Friday, November 30, 2007

Think of the Children


I'm here to talk to you today about a very serious disease sweeping the nation. It affects young and old, rich and poor, east coast and west coast, sparing nobody in it's deadly path. I'm talking, of course, about Attachment to Small, Scrappy White Player (ASSWiP) Syndrome: The way people fall in love with the undersized white boy, who is slower, smaller, and less athletic than the other players, but by god he works his ass off, hustles, and shows true grit and determination, nevermind the fact that he is completely average or below in every way.

You've seen it, and chances are, somebody you care about is inflicted with it at this very moment. It's the reason David Eckstein is about to get paid $8 million a year and Darin Erstad constantly has a job, despite being below average in almost every measurable baseball ability. It's the reason Lew Ford received an MVP vote in 2004, despite having a slightly above average season. It's the reason people in a bar were debating Joe Jurevicious vs. Braylon Edwards that one time I was in Nebraska. It's the reason Rudy made $23 million in the theater, despite really just being about a whiny little bitch who sucked at football . It's the reason players like David Grim, Jeff Hagen, Dusty Rychart, and Zach Puchtel are so beloved locally, and the thousands like them across the country (see Errek Suhr, Indiana). And it's the reason why you STILL see people in Chris Walsh jerseys, despite the fact that there is no reason that is an acceptable shirt to wear, ever.

Nobody is immune to it. I myself was once a sufferer of another form of this disease: Partial Basketball Blindness, brought on by Outside Shooting Ability. Oh yes, one dimensional white players who could knock down the three were my weakness. The list is embarrassing, but for educational purposes I will share it here. Some of my favorite players have been Chris Kingsbury, Jake Sullivan, Chris Collins, Teddy Dupay, and Travis Ford. Luckily, by the time that little dork J.J. Redick came around, I had been cured. I've finally learned to appreciate the all-around game of someone like Francisco Garcia, Travarus Bennett, or Chris Douglas-Roberts, rather than the White Boy Three Point Shooter. It's frightening to admit, but if Jamal Abu Shamala had come around just a few short years ago, he likely would have been my favorite Gopher. It shames, saddens, and terrifies me to admit this. Thank god I've been saved.

But just because I have been cured, doesn't mean I won't stop fighting to save the good people of this land from this disease. And you can help. When you hear about the white wide receiver who is so valuable because he busts his ass on special teams, remember that he's only on special teams because he's too worthless to play for real. When you hear someone say that the little white point guard should get more playing time because he's a hustler and a gamer and can knock down the three, remind them that hustle can't stop lightning quick point guards, and hitting the open three in mop up duty is a little different than against a match-up zone against guards who are 6-4. And if you know someone who thinks that short, white middle infielder needs to be signed because he does so much with his grit and toughness, remind him that a .250 average is still a .250 average, grit doesn't drive in runs, and sliding headfirst into first base isn't hustle, it's just really, really stupid.

Help me stop ASSWiP Syndrome. Think of the children.

19 comments:

reggie said...

So wearing a Chris Walsh jersey is not OK, but it is OK for a grown man who lived his whole like in Minnesota to wear an LT jersey to the bar (and drive home drunk in it no less - and also hitting another car)?

Dawg said...

You forgot to add precious Sam Jacobson to your list of overrated honkeys.

Ironically Dusty Rychart who you did mention has probably made significantly more money playing pro-basketball then your below average realestate agent Jacobson.

LSR said...

Reggie- What in the world does living your whole life in MN have to do with anything? You have a point about a grown man wearing an LT jersey, there is no excuse for that. Whoever you are talking about should have worn a Chris Walsh jersey while he was driving so he could have looked just like the real Chris Walsh when he stumbled out of his banged up car. Also, WWWWW has been to Utah (more then once) and that counts for something.

Dawg- Yes, Dusty is twice the player Sam was, but he could play 5 more years and still not maked as much as Sam did in his first year as an NBA player. Aussie's make 100K per year. The last player drafted in the 1st round is guaranteed 3 years at 1 Million a clip. Sorry to piss on your rug! Gardy is a d-bag!

Darin Erstad said...

PS Its human nature to pull for the underdog. I for one hate black underdogs such as Prince, Jose Critendon, Leo Lewis, Barry Sanders, Webster, Gary Coleman, Spudd Webb, Mougsy Bouges, Steve Erckel, Limar Wilson, Darren Nelson and Jake Reed (not because he was small but because of his walleye vision disability).

You're an idiot! Go Lil Whitey!

WWWWWW said...

Wearing a Chris Walsh jersey is the worst thing a person can possibly do.

reggie said...

The MN comment simply means that the individual who wears the LT jersey is not from San Diego and is not a Chargers fan, but simply wears the jersey because the player is on his fantasy team. I think thats right up there with an actual Vikings fan wearing a Chris Walsh jersey.

klinger said...

In case you haven't seen it yet, ESPN has been linking to this blog...

straightcashhomey.net

In case you're unfamiliar, the premise is to take unposed pictures of random tools in public wearing ridiculous jerseys.

Personal favorites include:

Andy Katzenmoyer
Kijana Carter
Al Del Greco (twice)
Muggsy Bogues

Your Good Boys said...

Would that be the same as a guy going to Dicks Sporting Good Store the night before a Chiefs game and loading up on Chiefs gear and deer stands the night before a game because Bowe is on his roster?

Dharma Bum said...

Chris Walsh is my least favorite Viking. Ever. It's not even close.

Oh, and Sam Jacobson could jump and had a great first name so he was cool. Even though he sucked.

Anonymous said...

Did I miss something here? In college Sam Jacobson was a great all-around offensive player, not just a taller version of Shane Heal. Bobby was not the only great player on that team. So he couldn't play "D" and wasn't in the NBA long, who cares.

Dawg said...

A great all around offensive player? You must toss the word great around to describe everything and anything. 13.1 PPG career college average. 1.8 APG career college average. Stop pole smoking whitey. If he hadn't played with Bobby J he would have begun his career at Remax 3 years earlier.

Dr. Acula!. said...

You should really do a public service announcement... The More You Know.

Theory said...

I admit, I've been affected. And not just for the white guys.
Come on...Spud Webb was the man:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CitnrHyoONU

Swift Bird said...

Senior Year 18.2ppg, which in college, is great. Maybe he should have only played one meaningful year of college hoops (like Bobby) to gain your approval.

P.S. W, do you still wear your Googs jersey?

WWWWWW said...

Don't remind me.

Matt said...

How could you like Jake Sullivan? Talk about a bitch. I remember watching him in high school - he would just lean into everyone and then bitch if he didn't get the call (which he usually did). Wow.

WWWWWW said...

I was afflicted with ASSWiPe syndrome. that's why i posted that to help others fight this dreaded disease

Kirik said...

Why would anyone cheer for a mealy-mouthed, spoonbilled, shitskinned nigger?

WWWWWW said...

Well this is weird.