Monday, August 30, 2010

Weekend Review

Better late than never, as Dawger wasn't fortunate enough to get to say to Siouper Sioux Fan.


1.  Bill Smith.  Getting Fuentes isn't exactly like stealing away a top of the line reliever, but it does help shore up the bullpen, particularly from the left side because the pick up of Randy Flores was basically worthless.  Fuenes's numbers this year are good, but not great (3.55 ERA and 1.20 WHIP) and are buoyed by a low .250 BABIP, but he's extremely tough on lefties both this year (.132 average against) and in his career (.213).  In fact, lefties this year are hitting .132/.209/.158 against him his season, an OPS+ of 10 which is unheard of and means LH batters are 90% worse against him than he league average.  He's given up just five hits against lefties this year (in 38 at-bats), only one for extra bases, and has 15 strikeouts against 3 walks.  As a left-handed set-up guy who cost you just a player to be named later, which usually means someone below a non-prospect, this is a steal.  Bill Smith might not be a wizard at the deadline, but he's proven himself to be awfully good after the waiver deadline.

2.  Nick Blackburn.  I guess we'll stick with the Twins theme, because you saw that gem coming?  The statistically worst starting pitcher in the entire major leagues this year comes back from AAA in just his second start and throws a near shutout that probably would have been a shut out if his crappy offense had managed to scrap together more than one run?  Inconceivable.  He threw strikes (66 of 98 pitches) and actually struck guys out (6 Ks - most in a game since May '09), and shut the Mariners down despite not getting a huge amount of groundballs (50/50 split).  In other words, this is almost certainly a huge fluke thanks to Seattle being a terrible offensive team.  But hey, we might as well enjoy it, even if the text I got from Dawger "Blacky is back with avengance (sic)!" isn't exactly true.  Or maybe it is completely true, just means something different than what he thinks.  

3.  Daniel Hudson.  I know Edwin Jackson has been pretty lights out for the Sox, but Hudson has been pretty lights out since they shipped him to Arizona as well, and he's also four years younger and makes 4% per year of what Jackson does, plus he's under team control for quite a while.  He had another brilliant outing over the weekend, going 7 innings and allowing just four hits and 2 runs on his way to a win over the Giants.  Since coming to the NL, he's pitched in six games posting an aggregate 1.65 ERA, 0.88 WHIP, and a 42-8 strikeout-to-walk ratio.  Wow.  I know it's the NL and all, but that's just outstanding.  I don't care what Edwin Jackson does the rest of the way, giving up Hudson for him (as well as another good prospect, an18-year old pitcher doing well in rookie ball) is straight up getting fleeced.  Now if the Dodgers can tease another good prospect out of them for Manny, the Sox will have completely tanked their future for a second place division finish.  And that, my friends, is simply awesome. [UPDATE:  Well the Dodgers gave up Manny for nothing.  Way to puss out, pussies.  This is why nobody likes the West Coast.]

4.  Matt Kuchar.  Kuchar outlasted everybody else at the Barclays to pick up what is kind of his first PGA Tour win.  He technically has two others, but one came in a Fall Series event and the other came way back in 2002.  And frankly he deserved way more than Martin Laird, who choked it away and then lost to Kuchar in the playoff.  Laird was in trouble the entire final round (on his way to an even par day while Kuchar shot -5) and only kept himself in it due to a very hot putter that had him saving par from 10 feet or so multiple times on the day.  Plus, Laird sucks, while Kuchar has dominated this year without winning, notching nine top 10s this year and missing just two cuts all year.  He deserved it, and I'm glad he won. Plus Laird is a commie.

5.  Tim Tebow.  Haters better back up, because it looks like NFL rookie-of-the-year is going to be a two man race between Friar Tuck and Dez Bryant.  Tebow should be starting over Orton by week four after the show he put on, and it's sad that some of you people doubted him just because of his relationship with his personal lord and savior Jesus, who loves him so that he takes a rooting interest in Tebow's football games.  Jealous much, hater?  He can still pass (like in college), he can still run (like in college), although he's now picked up a new skill - throwing the ball to Eric Decker.  Sorry haters, looks like Jesus is going to be adding a NFL ROY trophy to his trophy room soon, and probably a Lombardi Trophy right after that.  Tebow has a message for the NFL:  "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through
the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike
down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!" 


1.  Phil Mickelson.  Ok, so maybe it's nit-picking to find fault with the #2 ranked golfer in the world who has won 46 pro tournaments and 4 majors, but is there anybody on tour who disappoints as often as he does?  He's had chance after chance lately to supplant Tiger at the top of the rankings, but hasn't been able to come through, finishing outside the top 45 at the Bridgestone and the British.  He did bounce back to finish 12th at the PGA, although he was never really in contention, and then missed the cut this weekend at the Barclays.  Seriously, take his inability to take that #1 ranking, couple it with all the meltdowns at the U.S. Open (he has 5 second-place finishes), and his poor Ryder Cup showings (he's second in US history with 14 losses and a 10-14-6 career mark), and the second best golfer of his generation might also be the most disappointing.

2.  Stephen Strasburg.  The game of baseball may never be the same.  Of course I'm mostly kidding (Wieters is still in the league, after all) but with Strasburg heading for Tommy John surgery we may be looking at the ultimate what-if.  I know we are watching a success story as Twins fans in Francisco Liriano right now, but that doesn't mean everybody can bounce back that well.  For a guy like Strasburg, the rare talent who was hyped to an unrealistic level and then met that level anyway, well this just sucks.  I'm bummed out as a baseball fan, I can't imagine what a Nationals fan must be feeling like right now.  Good thing there aren't any.

3.  Matt Leinart.  I'm starting to wonder if he's ever going to get it.  Nobody has been given more opportunities to become a star than Leinart, with talent around him that should help the process (great receivers, good line, good defense), and nobody has dropped the ball more often.  He was supposed to be the starter last year, but a poor preseason and lackluster work ethic pushed him behind Kurt Warner again.  Now this year, although his stats look fine in the preseason thus far, he's been demoted behind Derek Anderson.  Derek freaking Anderson.  This guy must have some kind of terrible attitude behind the scenes, and although that will get broads in the hot tub and make Snake fall in love with you, it seems NFL coaches don't necessarily love that.  He's like the anti-Tebow.


4.  John Danks.  I love this.  A few weeks ago when Danks shut down the Twins in a big game I happened to be watching the Sox feed at one point and Hawk and whoever the other guy are were tossing around phrases like "Bulldog", "Ace", "Big game pitcher", and "my first choice to pitch for me in a life or death situation."  Awesome, because with the Twins continuing to win the Sox need to keep pace and they were going up against Sabathia and the Yanks with Danksy on the hill - a big game if I've ever seen one.  Well the "bulldog" got bulldogged by the A-Rodless Yankees, giving up 8 runs in four innings, giving up 3 dongs and walking four.  Nice clutch outing.  I haven't seen an "ace" implode like that since John Tudor. 


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Full Gopher Hoop Schedule Released

I had a blog earlier breaking down the Gopher hoopsters non-conference schedule, coming to the conclusion that, once again, it was pretty easy and the team should have at least nine wins heading into big ten play.  Now the full conference schedule has been released, and this is where they are going to really have to do some damage in order to get off that 8-11 seed area in the tournament.

Let's say they go 9-2 during the non-conference slate with losses to North Carolina and then either in the Puerto Rico third-place game to Vandy or WVU, or if they were to win that one a loss to one of their lesser opponents (Virginia, Siena) in an upset.  With that going in, a 9-9 record in the Big 10 would leave them on the bubble, a 10-8 record would get them in but likely wouldn't result in any kind of big bump in seeding, while 11-7 would probably move them up into the 5 range.  That should be the goal in Year 4 of the Tubby era, at a minimum.  So let's look (Bold = home game):

6:00 p.m.
Michigan State
3:00 p.m.
Big Ten Network
6:00 p.m.
Ohio State
1/3:00 p.m.
Big Ten Network
6:00 p.m.
5/6:00 p.m.
Big Ten Network
6:00 p.m.
Big Ten Network
7:30 p.m.
Big Ten Network
5:30 p.m.
Big Ten Network
Ohio State
1:00 p.m.
8:00 p.m.
5:00 p.m.
Big Ten Network
Penn State
6:00 p.m.
Michigan State
8:00 p.m.
Big Ten Network
3:30 p.m.
Big Ten Network
7:30/8 p.m.
Penn State
Big Ten Network

Definite wins:  Iowa, @ Iowa, Penn State, Northwestern, Indiana
Likely wins:  @ Penn State, Michigan, @ Michigan, @ Indiana
Probable losses:  @ Purdue, @ Michigan State

That gives them a 9-2 record in the conference, with seven other games that I'd consider toss-ups:  @ Wisconsin, @ Ohio State, Purdue, Ohio State, Illinois, Michigan State, and @ Northwestern.

If they go 0-7 in those games then I don't think they'll get in despite the 9-9 conference, barring a big run in the B10 Tournament due to lack of marquee victories, so they'll have to get at least one of those toss-up games.  If they can win two of those games, just two, the NCAA Tournament would be a lock and likely a good seed to go with it.

Really, looking at this anything less than 11 Big Ten wins and 20 wins overall should be looked at as an abject failure this year.  The Conference is very tough at the top, but the bottom is gooey soft and a team with NCAA aspirations should be able to rip through those bottom feeders and pad itself a very nice record.  Am I setting myself up for disappointment?

I can't help but feel like I'm walking into a trap, just like Tiger when he got home and that crazy domestic abuser Elin was waiting with a golf club.  Maybe it's a lifetime of having the rug pulled out from under me as a Gopher (and Minnesota sports in general) fan.  This should be a very good year, and they should be set up for a top 3-4 finish in conference, a middle-low seed in the tournament, and a very winnable opening round game, and once you get passed that first game who knows what can happen.

I'm looking forward to it.  I feel like someone is stabbing me in the gut with a knife made out of ice, but I'm looking forward to it.  Please, Tubby.  Not you too.

Of course, not everyone shares those reservations.  New Minnesota Sports blogger MNSportsSideFX broke down the schedule and predicts the team will end up 13-5 in the tournament and 21-6 overall.  Personally, I think that's loony tunes when your point guard can't shoot and you don't have anyone who can create offense, but it's certainly not completely out of the realm of possibility.

Just mostly.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.25.2010

Obviously the most important thing you should know this morning is that Baby Benny was discharged from the NICU and is currently crying his way around our house.  I won't dwell on that since it's not really what this blog is for and I already mentioned it (with picture) yesterday, but suffice it to say it's a huge relief to both myself and Mrs. W.  Anyway, on to your precious sports, and don't expect me to be back to a post every day quite yet either.  This is just a taste so you don't end up wandering away to other, far better, websites for your daily content.

1. It's now obvious the Twins have zero chance to win a playoff series.  Maybe if Morneau comes back they could have an outside chance to upset somebody, but now that they're playing a good team like the Rangers it's obvious they suck.  Runners and 1st and 3rd in a tie game with nobody out and you can't get a single run across?  Yeah, that might fly against the shitty teams like the Royals and Orioles and White Sox, but when you're playing somebody good you need to take advantage of that situation.  And how many games lately have the Twins given their opponents an extra out in an inning, whether due to an error, a misplay in the outfield, or an easy scoop at first base that isn't made?  Once again, plays you can get away with against the crap of the league, but when you're playing play-off caliber teams those little mistakes are going to lose the game for you every time.  I almost hope the White Sox catch them, because I can't handle another first round sweep, but I don't see any other way this thing is going down.

2.  Imagine how far he can hit a Scott Baker meatball.  Manny Ramirez hasn't been put on waivers yet, but the White Sox have gone ahead and announced they are going to put in a claim on him if he does.  So first the Dodgers have to decide to get rid of him in order to save $4.5 million, then he has to pass through every single NL team with nobody making a claim, and then get passed the majority of AL teams before the White Sox can grab him.  Then he'll have to approve of the deal, and then the two teams will have to agree upon compensation.  So yes, it's a long shot.  And thank god for that, because even though he's been hurt this year he's OPSed .903 this year, which is a better number than Joe Mauer, and can you imagine what he could do to a Baker, Blackburn, or Slowey meatball?  It would be like using an aluminum bat - somebody's gonna die.

3.  Serves him right.  Remember how I've been calling Trevor Mbakwe "Reign Man II" after Shawn Kemp?  Well, we kind of have a problem, because the real Shawn Kemp, Jr. (no word on how many of those there are, but I'd set the over/under at 2.5) is already called Reign Man II and is attending Auburn.  In a stroke of poetic justice and a blow against lazy nick-naming (come on, Reign Man II for his son?), Kemp has been ruled academically ineligible (along with another top recruit, Luke Cothran).  Kemp, a 6-9 center who is ranked as the #105 incoming freshman by Rivals and #14 center, chose Auburn over a couple of other southeast schools, but his lack of good offers leads me to speculate he was a qualification risk from the get go, but Auburn was willing to take a gamble (as a program like that should) - no surprise to anybody who followed the real Shawn Kemp way too closely.  No word on how many offspring the kid has either, but I'm guessing it's more than 1.

4.  You don't see this every day.  The Phillies/Astros game last night ended up going 16 innings, with the Astros winning 4-2, and some interesting things happened.  After Ryan Howard got tossed by the Ump (who was doing him a favor since he was 0-7 with 5 strikeouts), the Phillies needed to bring Roy Oswalt in to play left field since they were out of position players.  The Astros also had to use starter Wandy Rodriguez as a pinch hitter, and losing Philly pitcher David Herndon had to pitch three innings and hit because they were out of players.  I don't know.  I don't really have anything else to add.  Just seemed kind of weird.  In retrospect, I probably should have written about Strasburg to the DL again, but that's just depressing.    

5.  Apparently Johnny Damon isn't a Boston fan.  Johnny Damon, current Detroit Tiger, was placed on waivers and then claimed by the Red Sox.  This would give Damon a chance to return to the city where he reached cult hero status before ripping out their hearts by signing with the hated Yankees.  This also would have given Damon an opportunity to play for a team with a playoff shot, however fleeting, rather than be on a Detroit team that is going nowhere this year, and since he has just a one-year contract he would be a free agent next year either way.  Also since he has a no trade clause, he'd have to approve the deal.  No brainer, right?  Apparently, but the way you'd think since Damon has blocked the move, and will remain a Tiger.  I don't know how somebody could more clearly express that they hate the Red Sox and/or Boston, short of farting in a boston baked bean can while pissing on John Adams grave and then faxing it to Mark Wahlberg in a box with an "I heart NY" logo on it.

6.  So much for all that contract dispute speculation.  There was a lot of talk that Sidney Rice missing practices was more because he wanted a new contract rather than him having an actual serious hip injury.  Either all of that was wrong or Sidney Rice is insanely committed to the bit, because he had hip surgery on Monday which will keep him out until mid-seasonish.  Losing a pro bowl receiver is quite the blow to the team's Super Bowl chances, especially with questions surrounding Percy Harvin, but a plan is in place to fill the hole with Javon Walker.  Yes, the same Javon Walker who was shot at as a Bronco, was beaten to unconsciousness in Vegas, and has caught a total of 51 passes in the last three seasons.  Yuck.  I don't know about you, but I generally live by three rules:
1.  Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
2.  Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
2.  Never play cards against someone whose first name is a place
3.  Headcase wideouts are only worth it when they're young and talented.  Or at least talented.

One last thing you should know is that today (the 25th) is Mrs. W and I's anniversary, and we've now been officially married for 10 years.  Wow.  That is a long time.  For perspective, in the year 2000 the playstation 2 launched, but only in Tokyo.  Also the Elian Gonzalez thing happened, Kazahiro Sasaki won the AL rookie of the year (good call), and the John Rocker thing went down.  It was a long time ago.  Thanks for having such bad taste, for so long, Mrs. W. 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Home At Last

Baby BennyTM has finally decided to join WonderbabyTM and take his talents to our house.  Blogging should recommence soon enough.  Stay tuned.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Five Game Lead.

Home from the hospital and watching the end of the Twins game.  Might as well put some thoughts down on paper (as it were).  We're in the top of the seventh, Twins up 7-5 with a runner on first and one out. 

Just got a text from Snacks:  "Wow chris sale is fucking nasty, not looking forward to seeing him for the next 20 years."  Agree with the nasty part, and I'll assume 20 years in hyperbole.  Follow up text "Or he could be the next Mike MacDougal."  Also possible.  I don't know if he's projected to end up a starter someday, which is what I'd bet on, but let's hope the Sox ship him out in a trade for Manny Ramirez or something.  He made Joe Mauer look silly, and that doesn't happen often.

-  Jesse Crain is in, and man has he turned a corner for me.  It wasn't long ago I would cringed at him coming in here, but right now I'm pretty happy he's in for this high leverage situation.  Don't let me down Jesse.  Everybody I know named Jesse just ends up disappointing me or letting me down and I just don't like any of them.  If you know anybody named Jesse, they probably suck, am I right?  Don't be like that Crain, don't be like that. 

-  Strikes out Konerko who did not, in fact, Konork one.  Inning over. 

-  Justin Morneau commercial here, where he's drinking any size softdrink from McDonald's for just a buck while lifting weights with a bear.  Do McDonald's any size soft drinks for a dollar cause symptoms similar to a terrible concussion?  Dizziness?  Disorientation?  Bloating?  Who hasn't felt that after eating (and, presumably, drinking) at McDonald's?  Has anyone investigated this?

-  So I'm pretty happy with the Trevor Mbakwe news (he's back on the Gopher squad) and you should be too assuming you're not an old white guy who hates any black player who has ever had a minor scrape with the law, deserved or not.  If nothing else this proves that Mbakwe is slippery enough to work his way out of an obvious frame job by some kind of anti-Minnesota cabal.  Something Royce White couldn't manage.  Worth mentioning.

-  Sale walks Kubel.  Guess he's not that good afterall.

-  Tall, throws 97+, and wild as hell. He could end up the next Randy Johnson.  Or the next Odalis Perez.

-  Knock for Cuddy (suck it Snacks).  He hit that ball as slow as one can and still get it through the SS/3B hole, but it's still a hit.  Guys a stud.

-  Strikes out Thome on 3 pitches and made him look silly.  If nothing else, Sale has a future as a LH specialist, although I suspect he's going to embarrass some Twins as a starter for years to come. 

-  Wait, Brett Favre is coming back to QB the Vikes?  How do I not know this?  Why isn't there any media coverage of something this big?  An embarrassment of epic proportions for the media here.  Like when Torii Hunter dove for that ball Mark Kotsay hit.

-  Scott Linebrink in.  So the Sox bullpen has Linebrink, Santos, Putz, Thornton, and Sale?  Holy god does that sound good.  Too bad they suck.

-  Delmon with a hard hit ball to first for an out which moves the runners up.  I'm stunned right now that Bert isn't extolling his virtue for "sacrifing" himself to move the runners along.

-  One thing I would post about if I was doing a 6 things post tonight is how BYU is leaving the Mountain West.  Having Boise move in seemed to legitimize the conference (football wise), but then having Utah leave neutralized that move, so I guess BYU figured they weren't ever going to get a BCS bid this way (note:  try being good first) so they are taking this step.  Although this means the rest of their sports are apparently moving to the WAC, which kills their basketball team.  Now I understand football makes the money, but BYU in hoops could basically pencil themselves in for an NCAA bid every single year, and now they are moving to a conference where it takes an absolute incredible season to get a bid (ask Utah State).  About the only upside I see here is that when I attend my semi-annual USU game I get a shot at seeing BYU.  Although I fail to see how that helps the Cougars.  Maybe they feel pretty good about throwing off the shackles on a conference affiliation.  Next is throwing off the shackles of an oppressive religion.  Baby steps, I suppose.

-    Quentin (who I still thinks looks like a retarded Cartman) laces a hit to center.  AJ now up with nobody down.  And you know what?  I have no idea why people boo A.J. when he comes to Minnesota.  The guy played his heart out when he was here, has nothing but good things to say about the Twins organization if you listen to him when he's on KFAN, and is just a gamer, which white people seem to love.  The alleged Delmon Young play which isn't a controversy although people seem to be trying to make it one?  When asked about it AJ said, "He had no other play and it's part of the game" or something similar.  You want me to say it?  Fine.  I love A.J. Pierzinski.  And I love him even more now because he hit into a double play.

-  We might be heading towards a Capps appearance here.  That makes me far more nervous than bringing in an acquired at the trade deadline closer should.  Oh and I saw earlier today on Twitter (follow me @downwithgoldy) that the Nationals called up Wilson Ramos after he had a solid few weeks at AAA.  Man, if he ends up becoming a star, I won't care at all because the Twins are winning the World Series this year.

-  First and third now after Hudson and Mauer hits.  Makes Mauer 4-5, with a HR and a double.  Pretty good night.  He's been about as hot as anybody since the break.  Do you realize how good this lineup would be if Morneau hadn't gotten whacked in the head?  Or how good it is without him?  Snacks made an interested point last time he was drunk and rambling;  getting Morneau back basically just takes Thome out of the lineup.  Do ou want Thome out of the lineup?  I sure as hell don't.  Maybe Morneau will clear waivers and they can trade him for Dan Haren.

-  Kubel grounds out because he sucks and that's why I traded him.  Capps in.  Breath being held.

-  Text from Snacks:  "I feel like Capps blwing saves now will benefit the Twins so Crain is doing it in October."  I don't even know what to say here.  Poor kid has an obsession with Jesse Crain that borders on the creepy.  Also, I'd assume he means "doing it in October" as saving games, but really.  Jesse Crain in the 9th in a one run game against the Yankees in the playoffs?  I can't imagine anybody likes that idea, not even Crain lover #1.

-  It's the Final Countdown.  Bu-du dah dah, buh-dah dah dah dah, dah-du dah dah dah, the Final Countdown!

-  One out.  Easy.  Omar Vizquel should retire.

-  Jason Repko in right to replace Kubel.  Good.  Game needs more Repko.

-  Double by Beckham.  Terribel terrible terrible pitch.  Right down the middle.  Seriously, if we rate Rauch as say a 7.0, Capps is a 7.1.  Ugh.

-  Base hit by Pierre.  One run game.  Ugh.

-  Ramirez somehow misses on an absolute meatball and grounds out to third base.  Tying run on second, two away.  I really really really hope nobody was expecting Joe Nathan when they traded for Capps.  If you were you are an idiot and should stop watching baseball.  Giving up Ramos for him was just terrible. 

-  Konerko grounds out to first, Twins win and are now up 5 games.  Wrap this one up, it's over.  Looking forward to getting swept by the Yankees.  Good night everybody.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What a Day

Favre comes back, Thome hits a blast to beat the Sox in the 10th, Mbakwe is going to be a Gopher, and little Benny arrives.  What a day.  Feels like the kind of day I should write a post about, but I've been at the hospital all day and I'm not Superman so no.

And I don't know how much I'll be able to post this week, so instead how about we discuss your ultimate Twins lineup, and let's limit this to the 80s and on.  I submit:

LF - Denard Span
C  - Joe Mauer
CF - Kirby Puckett
1B - Justin Morneau
DH - Kent Hrbek
RF - Torii Hunter
3B - Gary Gaetti
2B - Chuck Knoblauch
SS - Greg Gagne
RHP - Scott Erickson
LHP - Johan Santana
CL - Joe Nathan


Oh, and Benny has a message for you:

And that's a shoulder, pervs.

Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.17.2010

1.  In Gopher Football talk, this sucks.  According to whoever runs the Pioneer Press's Gopher twitter, MarQueis Gray spent the day playing WR for the Gophers, which I would assume means he won't be playing QB and we're stuck with Adam Weber again, but this time sans security blanket.  That leads to an upside of a mid-tier bowl, with a downside of zero bowl.  I've talked here about how I love what Fred Hoiberg is doing to try to turn Iowa State around by taking big risks, and I think that's where the Gophers need to go if they want a shot at relevance.  The best way to go about that is to scrap whatever kind of boring typical offense they're running and go with something more interesting.

The spread would have been an option (which Brewster has already killed), as would the wishbone (no chance), but my favorite option is to take the ball and give it to an incredible athlete with some QB experience in his background and turn him loose.  If only they could find somebody like that somewhere.  And if he was ranked as the 3rd best dual threat QB in his high school class, that would be even better.  But how could the Gophers ever land somebody like that?  I guess it's a pipe dream.

2.  No, not that kind of punchout.  In news that sucks for Mets' fans and Francisco Rodriguez fantasy owners, K-Rod is going to miss the rest of the season after injuring his thumb punching out either his father-in-law, girlfriend's father, or baby mama's father depending on which article you read.  Of course, that's not really the important part, the important part is that an ace reliever is going to miss the rest of the season after punching an old man who ended up in the hospital with (a lump on his head and scratches on his face.)  Is it just me here, or does it kind of sound like K-Rod fights like how I imagine Nick Punto probably fights.

3.  Since we're talking domestic violence, how about "Born Ready?"  I feel sad, because Lance "Born Ready" Stephenson was one of my favorite players last year.  Not because of his play, which kind of alternated between disinterested, ballhog, and unstoppable star, but because of his potential.  If he could harness himself a little better, focus more, and stay in control he could have been an absolute beast for Cincy.  Instead he turned pro, got drafted by the Pacers in the mid-first round, had an excellent summer league, and then threw his girlfriend down the stairs and slammed her head into said stairs after she was done rolling.  That's not domestic violence, that's like, a whole new level.  I think I saw Steven Seagal pull that move on Gary Busey in Under Siege.  Awesome then, just like that entire movie.  Not so awesome here.

4.  I wonder how this will turn out.  As of this writing (it's 10:30pm) #1 overall pick Bryce Harper had exactly a half hour to sign with the Nationals.  If he doesn't the Nats lose his rights and he would go back into the draft next year following another year of college ball.  There is, of course, no way that this will happen, because this is the guy who dropped out of high school after his sophomore year so he could get his GED, get started in JuCo ball and get drafted as soon as possible.  Everything this kid has done has been geared towards getting him into the Major Leagues, there is no way he's going to set the clock back an entire year over what is basically peanuts compared to his potential earnings.  Then again, douchebags who wear war paint eye black and get habitually tossed from games for arguing with umpires aren't exactly known for making sound decisions. 

[UPDATE:  He signed.  SHOCKER.]

5.  Shawn Marcum almost pitched a no-hitter against Oakland.  But that's no the exciting part since we are learning that the A's can't hit even a little bit.  The exciting news was that I saw, with m own two eyes, Boof Bonser on the hill for Oakland.  He looked awfully familiar, still featuring a low-nineties fastball, a lollipop slow curve, and an incredibly hittable slider, all to go along with a general lack of ability to hit his spots.  He threw two decent innings, allowing no runs on 3 hits and striking out one and lowering his season ERA to 7.20 and his WHIP to a terrifying 2.40. 

He's only pitched on four occasions this year:  June 9th with the Red Sox when he got destroyed and didn't get an out, June 11th with the Sox when he got knocked around the yard, then August 6th with Oakland when he pitched a good inning, and finally last night.  He's actually put up pretty awful numbers in the minors this year as well so I'm not really sure what Oakland is doing exactly, but I'm rooting for him for what it's worth.     

6.  This would be so awesome.  I've talked about a similar idea here before, but four top Indiana hoops programs are getting together to create the Crossroads Classic, where Indiana, Notre Dame, Purdue, and Butler will combined to play a doubleheader in both 2011 and 2012 at Conseco Fieldhouse.  Very cool.  My idea is some sort of Mid-West Classic tournament, say the Gophers, Iowa State, a Missouri Valley team, and either a MAC, OVC, or Horizon League team and just play a four-team tournament, alternating hosts each year between the Gophers and Cyclones.  Some years you could invite really good teams (Northern Iowa, Butler, etc.) and other years you could go further down the list.  I think this would rock.  But of course, since it's fun and awesome it will never happen since athletic directors and presidents hate fun.

As far as some site/personal news goes, Wonderbaby 2.0 will be arriving today at approximately 11:30am.  As such, posting may (or may not) be far more sporadic for a while.  I'll do my best to post as often as time and energy permits, but just know that you might not get a post every day for a while.  No, stop crying.  Come on.  You're embarrassing yourself.  Your co-workers are looking at you.  You're so ugly when you cry. 

Monday, August 16, 2010

Weekend Review - 8/16/2010

Seriously folks, if the crowd can walk in it, it's not a bunker.  


1.  Brian Duensing.  I don't think anyone is exactly shocked or anything since Duensing has looked like a very good pitcher since he was called up last year, but it was awfully nice to see him put up a 3-hit shutout so soon after joining the rotation.  I wouldn't expect this out of him regularly (his BABIP and strand rate are pretty much unsustainable), but he's shown himself to be a good middle-of-the-rotation type who throws strikes and induced groundballs - so he's your typical Twins pitcher.  He'll get knocked around some, and he doesn't miss a ton of bats, but he's much better than Nick Blackburn, even if that isn't really saying much.  So now they can just cut Blackie - except, of course, for the $13 million they owe him over the next three years.  Awesome contract.

2.  Kevin Slowey.  I suppose if I'm going to highlight Duensing here I should throw some props at Slowey as well since he just went out and threw 7 innings of no-hit ball on Sunday.  I guess I'm just much more impressed with Duensing's outing because we've seen this brilliance from Slowey before, and he can't ever sustain it - maybe Duensing can.  And I'm fine with Slowey getting pulled after 7 innings even though he had a no-hitter going.  It was a 1-0 game, and at this point in the pennant race winning the game is more important than getting Slowey some personal glory.  Additionally, he was over 100 pitches already and they just had to skip a start of his due to a sore elbow, no sense in risking re-injury.  I disagree with just about every game decision Gardy makes, but I'm with him on this one.

3.  The PGA Championship.  Now that was one fantastic tournament.  Sure, there were parts that sucked pretty bad:  Nick Watney's collapse (more on this later), Dustin Johnson's ridiculous penalty that knocked him out of the playoff, Bubba Watson's dumb decision that lost him in the playoff, and the fact that Martin Kaymer won despite a bogey on the last hole.  Overall though, this was great.  There were 10-20 different golfers that could have ended up winning on Sunday with just a couple of different shots so there was drama all the way to the end, and any tournament that ends up with a playoff is a good one.  Perhaps the best was the way the course played (outside of sand traps that aren't sand traps, right Dustin?).  There were opportunities to make shots and grab birdies, but there were also plenty of ways you could screw yourself with a poor shot or poor decision.  Unlike some of the other majors that are set up where par is a major achievement, this course was set up with the perfect combination of risk/reward.  Just a fantastic tournament and a great, great venue.  Hard to believe it was in that shithole of a state, Wisconsin.

4.  R.A. Dickey.  You ready for this one?  R.A. Dickey threw a 1-hit shutout on Friday.  Yes, R.A. Dickey.  And not against some crap team, but against the Phillies.  You want to know why he's good all of a sudden?  He's basically given up on everything else and is only throwing knuckleballs.  He used to throw the knuckler about 2/3rds of the time, but this year he's thrown it 83.7%.  He's also given up on throwing a curve, slider, or change, because his fastball makes up the 16.3% of his pitches.  The results of this change have been an increase in ground balls and fewer of the fly balls going over the fence, mainly due to getting batters to chase more pitches out of the zone.  So, yeah.  That'll do it.

5.  Cole Aldrich.  My sources tell me that Cole was in town this weekend.  My same sources also tell me he's a pretty nice guy.


1.  This Justin Morneau situation.  I won't even say Justin Morneau sucks any more, just that this whole situation sucks.  Supposedly he's getting better, but still can't make it through an entire day without showing symptoms, and as such was unable to travel with the team to Chicago because apparently airplane travel makes people who have had recent concussion's heads explode like that dude in scanners.  Instead, he stayed home and didn't get better, and is still unable to play.  In fact, he's unable to play so hard that there is officially no longer a time table for his return, which is causing all kinds of speculation that he won't be back this year.  Which would suck pretty bad.  This team might win the division without him, but they aren't going any farther.  So if he can make it through the day I say the get him in the lineup.  If he's walking around at home after the game and keeps bumping into things because he's all dizzy, well, I'm sure he can afford to replace whatever knick-knacks and porcelain dolls he breaks.  The team needs his bat, because he's not a pitch man.

2.  Nick Watney.  As I mentioned above, Nick Watney had a pretty epic collapse on Sunday.  After shooting the first three rounds all in the 60s, and being the only player to do so, Watney went into the final round with a 3 shot lead, only to double bogey the first hole to cough that up, tripled seven, followed that up with back to back bogeys, and then after a par tossed up another double, this time on a par 5.  Suffice it to say, it wasn't a good round.  That sucks too, because Watney has been one of my favorites and the reason is he seems to always be cool, always keep it together no matter what, so I was more that a bit surprised he went off the deep end here and ended up shooting an 81 to end up in 18th place.  I guess he's like every other golfer (other than Tiger and Louis Oosthuizen) and can't handle the pressure of being the leader after 54 holes.  Sucks, man.

3.  Memphis basketball.  Do you guys remember a few weeks ago when I talked about how Will Barton, Memphis's #1 recruit for this year and #11 on the Rivals150, wasn't going to be playing this year due to academic issues?  Well it seems that isn't the only issue the Tigers are going to have to deal with this year.  It also turns out that neither Chris Crawford (#72 Rivals) nor fellow freshman Hippolyte Tsafack have been cleared by the NCAA to play yet.  Finally, it turns out Jelan Kendrick (#15) didn't travel with the team on their Bahamas trip this weekend, dealing with "personal issues" and their are now rumors that he might not rejoin the team.  So Memphis had one of the best recruiting classes this year, but nobody can play.  I guess Pastner didn't learn enough tricks from Coach Cal.  Of course, they still have Joe Jackson (#18) and Tarik Black (#54), so I think they'll be just fine.  Unfortunately.

4.  Tim Lincecum.  It's not like he's been awful this whole season, and his numbers are ok overall (2nd in strike outs, 3.62 ERA) but after dominating to start the year he is fading and fading hard, and was knocked out in the fourth inning Sunday against the Padres.  And this follows up his last start when he didn't make it out of the fifth.  I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but this Giant team is winning with their pitching, and even though Matt Cain, Jonathan Sanchez, and Madison Bumgarner are all very good, Lincecum is obviously the most important member of that staff, and they aren't going anywhere if he doesn't get it together.  This could just be a blip, but he's lost a full MPH off his fastball from last year and is 3 off from 2 years ago, and his curveball seems to have lost some of its effectiveness.  Stay tuned.  Or don't, it's just the stupid NL after all.

5.  J.J. Putz.  When your closer is Bobby Jenks you're pretty much screwed.  And since Jenks has been little more than a fat batting-practice pitcher they turned to J.J. Putz.  Putz had been lights out as a set-up guy all year, and was a dynamite closer a few years ago when he was with Seattle.  Seems like it would make sense that he'd be pretty good closer for the Sox, right?  Wrong.  First on Saturday night he came into the game against Detroit in the top of the ninth with the Sox up 2-1, gave up a 2-run homer to Alex Avila, and walked away with the loss.  Then, Sunday afternoon, he came into the game in the top of the 8th, the Sox leading 7-6.  A single, triple, and error by Andruw Jones later and the Sox were down 9-7 and on their way to their sixth lost in their last 8 games.  Awesome.    

Also Happy Birthday to The Bear.  Way to be born, douchebag!

Thursday, August 12, 2010


In excellent, excellent news today, it was announced that Trevor Mbakwe would enter a pre-trial intervention program, finally ending our long national nightmare of this obvious frame job. 

What that means is that Mbakwe agrees to do a small amount of community service, pay a small fine, and the charges are dropped.  No record, no trial, no nothing.  Perform these simple tasks, and he gets to go on with his life.  Seems like a no-brainer, but some of the reaction I read today tended towards the negative.  Questions arose such as "Why would he agree to this if he was actually innocent?" or "Isn't this an admission of some guilt?"

To these people I ask, "Are you a complete god damned moron?"  How anybody can see this as an admission of guilt is beyond me. Other than the fact that, you know, it's explicitly stated it's not an admission of guilt, haven't you paid attention throughout this ordeal? It's gone on and on and on, despite Mbakwe's continued claims that he is innocent, and has dragged on long enough that he missed an entire year of his basketball career, and he hasn't even gotten to trial.

With an option in front of him where he merely has to pay a small fine and do some community service, ends up with a clean record, and gets to move on with his life, not to mention play basketball, I'm guessing he jumped at the chance to sign up for this. I would have to. Hell, anybody of sound mind would have.  It's pretty simple:  a slight inconvenience and you can move on with your life or a massive inconvenience and you can maybe move on with your life, but it would be at a later date, or you might not get to move on and things will just get worse for you.

Sorry, but anybody not meeting this news with a smile should probably shift their interests towards something more clean like college swimming or maybe volleyball.

Of course, two questions remained:  Would the U let him back on the team and would he still want to be here? 

Question #1 was answered right around 5pm tonight, when it was announced that Mbakwe was reinstated and eligible to play for the Gophers this season.  So now, barring Tubby doing something weird, Mbakwe will be welcomed back with open arms and be eligible to begin practicing soon (I thought I heard the 20th) and will be able to travel with the team on their Canada trip.  The bigger question is if he wants to still be here, or does he want to play for Memphis.  It seems the feeling is he wants to be a Gopher, both locally and from his lawyer down in Florida, but it's in his hands.  He would likely have to sit out yet another year to play for Memphis, so odds are he's coming to the Barn.

And that is news that could not have me more excited.  I have heard so much about him and how good he has looked in practices and summer league that at this point I am expecting nothing less than Patrick Ewing-type domination (the good version from Georgetown, not the sissy jump shooter from the Knicks).  Even if it turns out his offensive game is little more than dunking back offensive rebounds he should be big and strong enough to get plenty of opportunities to do just that, and his size and strength will allow Ralph to spend more time doing what he does best, mincing about outside the paint. 

Now I love Ralph and think he's a good bet for Big Ten Player of the Year in two years, but I wouldn't list a strength of his as "banging in the paint."  That's what Iverson was for, but Mbakwe should be bigger, stronger, blacker, and tougher than Colt.  Really, I'm sure I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but this is basically what I expect out of Trevor this year:

Can we please call him Reign Man II?

And in closing, I'd like to leave you with a little bit of a transcript from Mbakwe's hearing that I obtained from a confidential informant:

Mbakwe:  I got mind control over Deebo.  He be like, "shut the fuck up" so I be quiet.  But when he leave, I be talkin' again.  What chain?

Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.12.2010

1.  Reverse the curse?  I'm not surprised the Twins lost there, because Perkins vs. Danks is clearly tilted in the White Sox favor, but I'm really unsettled by how they lost.  Getting thrown out at third trying to stretch a double into a triple?  Failing to turn an easy double play?  Making multiple errors?  Picking a runner off of first but being unable to get the actual out because of a poor throw by the first baseman?  Having a pitcher failing to cover first on a grounder to the first baseman?  Not being able to get a big hit?  These are all the same things we've watched the Sox do against the Twins, and are the reason the Sox, Guillen, and their fans felt cursed against the Twins.

I don't want to take anything from Danksy, because he was brilliant tonight and kept the Twins off balance all game, but the Twins made damn sure they had no chance to win tonight.  Perkins didn't pitch well by any means, but he wasn't completely awful and he gave the team a solid chance to win.  Except that they played like morons.  Or, more accurately, the played like the White Sox, while the Sox played like the Twins.  If tonight was a sign of the roles flipping and we have to expect that kind of shit for the next 7 years or whatever you can count me out.  I'm going to track down the Zoltar Machine at Sea Point Park and get that crazy gypsy to fix this shit right quick.

2.  Break up the O's?  Don't look now, but suddenly the Orioles are white hot.  After beating the Indians tonight Baltimore has suddenly won four games in a row, which might not seem like a huge deal but you have to realize that is 10% of their victories on the season.  Even more shocking, the won thanks to a Brad Bergesen 2-hit shutout.  Let that one sink in for a moment.  Brad Bergeson with the 5.84 ERA.  Brad Bergesen with the 1.53 WHIP.  Brad Bergesen who hasn't won a game in his last 13 starts.  Brad Bergesen with the unbent bill of his cap.  Brad Bergesen who once got hurt shooting a commercial.  Apparently anything Buck Showalter touches turns instantly to gold.  Word is Joel Maturi has inquired to see if he has any interest in Gopher football.

3.  There was a fun trade in the NBA.  This isn't exactly going to shake the NBA landscape, but any time you get a four-team, five-player trade it's worth noting because hey, that's fun.  Houston traded Trevor Ariza to the Hornets, who traded Darren Collison and James Posey to the Pacers, who traded Troy Murphy to the Nets, who traded Courtney Lee to the Rockets.  So the Hornets get a good player to show Chris Paul they are serious about winning (although Ariza, really?), the Pacers get a steal in getting a potential top line PG for a slow white dork, while the Nets can use that same slow white guy to eat up minutes so they don't have to force Derrick Favors to play too much too quickly.  And the Rockets shed some salary, which they needed to after signing a bunch of large contracts this offseason, but get back a good quality, young rotation player at the same time.  The elusive win-win-win-win trade.  Meanwhile the Timberwolves traded a player they just signed last year for 4 years and $16 million dollars for two players who they immediately cut, assuming Telfair has been cut by now.  So I guess it's win-win-win-win-win.  Go team.    

4.  It's wide open.  The season's fourth and final major, the PGA Championship, starts today, and it's an absolutely wide open field.  The usual favorite is a complete mess, the #2 guy just completely melted down last Sunday, can't take advantage of his opportunities to become the world #1 and sucks at links style golf (which this course is), and the #3 isn't entered due to injury.  Beyond that there about 30 different guys who have a legit chance to win this and you could make a solid argument for.  I won't do that, but I will give you my top 6 and a sleeper:
1.  Rory McIlroy
2.  Steve Stricker
3.  Jeff Overton
4.  Retief Goosen
5.  Nick Watney
6.  Graeme McDowell
SLEEPER:  Ross Fisher
This, of course, means that Hunter Mahan is going to win.

5.  The most dangerous player in the Big Ten may have found a new home.  Chris Allen, the most dangerous player in the Big Ten and if you disagree I will fight you, recently visited our good friend Freddy Hoiberg at Iowa State and it sounds like he might be leaning towards joining the Cyclones.  This would help Hoiberg with his apparent need to collect players of questionable moral character - which of course is genius for him.  The Clones have been a nightmare since Jake Sullivan left, and no offense to Ames (which is currently underwater) but I've visited there and I don't exactly see a lot that would be a draw for a big-time recruit.  As such, collecting talented players whose background's scare other team's off is a calculated, and I think smart, risk that could bring this team back to prominence.  Or they crash and burn and suck and nobody notices the difference.

6.  Finally, the Great Villain triumphsIf you've read this post of mine or have heard me talk about it since or have pretty much ever been to my house, you'll seen the greatest movie ever, "The King of Kong" by now.  I'm not going to break it all the way down for you here, but seriously if you haven't seen it you have to go find it on Netflix or Blockbuster or Vudu or CinemaNow or whatever - go watch it.  It is the most fascinating look at the people who make up the world of championship gaming (retro games only, of course) centering around a battle for the world record of Donkey Kong between Steve Wiebe (clearly painted as the hero) and Billy Mitchell (clearly painted as the villain).  Of course, it wasn't too difficult to make him look bad, since his combination of smugness and douchery has only been seen before in a villain in an 80s movie (Karate Kid, Back to School, and Teen Wolf immediately come to mind), but douche though he may be, he once again has set the World Record in Donkey Kong (and Donkey Kong Jr. to boot).

Seriously, find a way to watch this and watch it.  I'm not being sarcastic or ironic or anything like that.  It is epically awesome to watch.  Check this:

Please, I beg you, watch this movie.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.11.2010

It makes me sad that I didn't do a 6 Things on 8/9/10, but Gopher business takes precedence.  At least when that's what I'm in the mood for.

1.  First place baby!  Love it!  Beating the Sox in their house to take over first is great, of course, but to do it in game one of a series and to do it in an emphatic fashion could be huge.  Will the Sox go into a huge tailspin, get swept, and become a non-factor the rest of the year?  Probably not, but they might.  And we at least know the Twins won't.

Scott Baker gave us exactly what he is capable of, electric stuff that looks unhittable mixed with terrible mistakes that get hit 500 feet, and all in one game, but he pitched well enough to get the win thanks to an offensive outburst that saw dingers hit by Thome, Mauer, Hardy, Cuddy, and Kubel.  This was exactly how they should have won this game.  Ripping the Sox pitching, and shutting down (mostly) the Sox bats.  This was the biggest advantage they had in starting pitching though, so it's not exactly a series won just yet.  Perkins/Danks is almost certainly a win for Chicago, so it will come down to Liriano/Floyd.  Either way, I'm pretty sure one team is walking out of here with a 1 game lead, and we got ourselves a dogfight.

Poor Detroit.

2.  Anybody else getting officially worried here?  Justin Morneau was supposed to travel with the team to Chicago, not to play, just to travel and get some workoutting in.  No big deal, you'd think.  But that's been called off and he'll stay behind in Minnesota, while Bill Smith "declined to give details about how Morneau has been feeling."  What?  He's been out since July 7th, well over a month at this point, and we're still not giving out details?  Seriously, I'm done making jokes or calling him a girl and/or sissy for not playing, and officially moving into "very very very worried" territory.  We've all heard the comparison's to Corey Koskie, and at first they seemed quite over blown and "sky is falling" type stuff, but at this point - ugh, I don't know, but it certainly isn't normal to miss this much time for a head injury.  Ask Trent Green.

3.  So why even have practice then?  I know this blog is 40% Twins, 40% Gophers, 15% other sports happenings from around the world, and 5% bad movies, but I do pay attention and am a fan of the Vikings.  So with that I ask, what is the point of even having a training camp right now?  Percy Harvin has missed the last 9 days due to a combination of his mother's death and his ongoing Migraine issues (can't we just let the man have his weed?).  Sidney Rice has yet to practice due to either a hamstring issue or a contract dispute, depending on who you ask.  Brett Favre is, well, I assume you know all about Peter Primadonna right now, and I heard on the radio today Adrian Peterson just now was able to go full speed - no word on how many times he fumbled in non-contract drills.  So really, this offense is going to be a mess.  At least it probably makes the defense feel better.  Kind of like a struggling NBA team gets to play the Timberwolves.

4.  I really should have mentioned this before.  If you're a Gopher football fan, and why wouldn't you be - Rose Bowl, baby - The Daily Gopher is doing a really excellent rundown, position by position, of how this year's team breaks down in comparison to last year's team.  Let's hope the answer is "better."  And if I'm being completely honest here, I didn't read all of them.  I read a couple but it was difficult because I don't really know any of the players.  I think I could name about five guys on the Gopher football team, and odds are at least half of them don't play anymore.  

5.  He probably just should have kept going with the "tired arm" thing.  Phenom and super stud Stephen Strasburg made his return from the DL last night, although he probably shouldn't have.  He got knocked around pretty good, lasting just 4 and 1/3 innings (a career low) and allowing six runs (a career high).  Not a great combo.  He did keep up his nice strikeout totals with four in those just over four innings, and that's what I'm going to choose to pay attention to rather than all that other blabbity blah.  Those are just numbers, anyway, numbers can't tell you the whole story.  He's clearly still dealing with some arm issues, because there's no way the real Strasburg walks somebody named Logan Morrison.  I would refuse to live in such a world, so sometimes I have to ignore certain facts in order to maintain my sanity.  I'm like Shelley Duvalle in the Shining.  I'm just going to keep ignoring any problems until I get smacked in the melon with a baseball bat.

6.  I don't have a link for this.  I don't have a link or any way to prove this and it would have zero impact on the Gophers so I'm not going to spend a lot of time on it, but there is some speculation among people I know, some who have some insight into things, that Myck Kabongo, class of 2011 point guard who committed to Texas way back in January 2009 and is ranked  as the #7 overall player in the class by ESPN and #11 by Rivals, as well as the #2 point guard by both, is unhappy with Texas.  Apparently he's not real pleased with how the Longhorns' season went last year, and there is a little bit of speculation that he may re-open his recruitment.  Now I'd guess that nothing will come of this, and it's not like my sources are more than people like me who are fans who try to keep their fingers on the pulse, but I wanted to put it out there so I can look smart if anything actually happens.  Plus sometimes where there's smoke, there's fire.  Just ask David Koresh.

Monday, August 9, 2010

A Quick and Early look at the Gopher Basketball Non-Conference Schedule

Alright, so before when I said I wasn't going to do a post about the Gophers non-conference schedule I was obviously lying, because here is a post about the Gophers non-conference basketball schedule.  I have tried to keep this information as accurate as possible, but there are always things that slip through and not even a genius such as myself can keep up with which players may or may not have been kicked off/left the team for every school in the country.  At least I can guarantee their records are accurate.  Probably.

Nov 2 vs. Northeastern State, Nov 8 vs. Winona State - Whatever.  Pass.

Nov 12 vs. Wofford College
Record:  26-9 (15-3 SoCon), lost in first round of NCAAs to Wisconsin
Good Wins:  @ Georgia, South Carolina
Last Year RPI:  70
Starters Lost:  1 (
NOTES:  A nice homecoming game for seniors Noah "The more successful" Dahlman and Cameron Rundles, the Terriers should be favorites to repeat in the SoCon and will probably be the Gophers biggest test outside of Puerto Rico.  Even so, this is a slow team without the athletes needed to keep up, and should be the first in a long line of easy wins to open the season.

Nov 15 vs. Siena
Record:  27-7 (17-1 MAAC), lost in first round of NCAAs to Purdue
Good Wins:  None
Last Year RPI:  33
Starters Lost:  3
NOTES:   One of the hottest mid-major type teams the last few years, the Saints should take a step back this year with a lot to replace including Ronald Moore, the national assist leader, and Edwin Ubiles and Alex Franklin, their two leading scorers and all-around threats from the wing.  Still, they do have some firepower back (Clarence Jackson is going to explode this year) and will probably be the second best team the Gophers will face - which still means they should be an easy win.

Nov 18 vs. Western Kentucky (in Puerto Rico)
Record:  21-13 (10-6 Sun Belt)
Good Wins:  Vanderbilt, Murray State
Last Year RPI:  138
Starters Lost:  2
NOTES:  Top player A.J. Slaughter is gone, but the Hilltoppers have a bit of a mini-mid-major dynasty going and reload their roster with a very good recruiting class this season.  They are bringing in five new players, including SG Brandon Peters who ranks as Rivals #129 freshman and a couple other three star recruits, along with a couple of transfers from Big 12 schools (Oklahoma and OSU).  It's probably good the Gophers get them early, because I have a feeling they are going to be a lot tougher by the end of the year.

Nov 19 vs. North Carolina (in Puerto Rico, assuming they beat WKU)
Record:  20-17 (5-11 ACC), lost in NIT Championship game to Dayton
Good Wins:  Ohio State, Michigan State, Wake, Miss State
Last Year RPI: 64
Starters Lost:  2 (I think)
NOTES:  It's hard to say how many starters the Tar Heels lost because they used so many lineups last season and never really were able to figure the team out until the NIT, but don't let the record fool you they have a ton of talent.  Harrison Barnes is amazing, John Henson started to look like he figured it out late in the season, Reggie Bulluck should be awesome, and really it just goes on and on.  Of course, I would have said basically the same thing last year, but I find it hard to believe UNC is going to be at that level back-to-back seasons.

Nov 21 vs.  Vanderbilt or West Virginai (or Nebraska or Davidson)
NOTES:  Most likely this will be either WVU or Vandy, and a win over either would be a challenge and a nice resume builder.  I think if they manage to beat UNC I'd hope for a championship matchup with he Mountaineers in order to get the biggest scalp possible, but if they lose to the Heels I'd hope they go up against Vandy, which would still be a nice win but an easier win as well.

Nov 24 vs. North Dakota State
Record:  11-18 (8-10 Summit)
Good Wins:  None
Last Year RPI:  267
Starters Lost:  3
NOTES:  This is not the same scrappy, rough-and-tumble, senior white boy led squad from a couple of years ago.  This is just a bad team.  Look at that RPI.  Now realize it's going to be about the same this year.  Worthless game here, rather than giving a few third and fourth tier former Minnesota high school players a chance to play in the Barn.  I guess I can see some value in that, and if this was the only game against an opponent like this, I wouldn't complain.

Nov 29 vs. Virginia (Big 10/ACC Challenge)
Record: 15-15 (5-11 ACC)
Good Wins:  UAB, Georgia Tech
Last Year RPI:  123
Starters Lost:  2
NOTES:  We get Virginia again the Challenge, which is a yawner, especially since their best and most exciting player, Sylvan Landesberg, got essentially booted off the team last year and is currently trying to hook on with an NBA squad.  Still, Tony Bennett is already starting to pay dividends on the recruiting trail, bringing in a very good class including #30 in the country K.T. Harrell, #108 James Johnson, #119 Joe Harris, and #148 Will Regan.  Wait.  Holy crap that's a really good class.  Virginia is on their way back to relevance (like, Harold Deane/Curtis Staples territory), and I'm now amending my previous statement and saying that THIS will be the toughest non-Puerto Rico game.

Dec 4 vs. Cornell
Record:  27-4 (13-1 Ivy), lost in the Sweet 16 of the NCAAs to Kentucky
Good Wins:  Temple, Wisconsin, Alabama, Harvard x 2
Last Year RPI:  37
Starters Lost:  4
NOTES:  Stop.  Just stop.  This is not a good opponent.  Last year was lightning in a bottle because they had 1.  A high quality coach, 2.  A legitimate scoring threat who could take over the game, 3.  A skilled 7-footer who was a weapon on offense and defense, and 4.  A point guard who could control the game.  All those things are gone.  The Gophers will win by 40, and at the end of the season their RPI will be north of 200.

Dec 8 @ St. Joseph's
Record:  11-20 (5-11 A-10)
Good Wins:  Dayton, Boston College
Last Year RPI:  180
Starters Lost:  2
NOTES:  The only true road game on the non-conference slate, always a good sign of a challenging schedule, and it's against a team with an RPI of 180 last year who will probably be even worse.  This is a truly horrible game, because nobody gives a crap if you win on the road against a team like this, but they are just good enough (and the Gophers are historically shaky enough on the road) to pull of an upset, which really hurts NCAA bid chances.  I am interested in seeing C.J. Aiken, a freshman who Rivals ranks as the #8 incoming center in the country who is playing for the Hawks for some reason that I assume involves a lost bet or alcohol.   

Dec 11 vs. Eastern Kentucky
Record:  20-13 (11-7 OVC)
Good Wins:  Morgan State
Last Year RPI:  164
Starters Lost:  2
NOTES:  They play Western, so might as well play Eastern, right?  I don't know.  A middling Ohio Valley team?  They're more likely to be a 200+ in RPI than a sub-100, so I don't really like this.  Should be an easy win though, so I guess they got that going for them.  Since there aren't enough of those already.

Dec 15 vs. Akron
Record:  24-11 (12-4 MAC), lost in first round of CBI to Green Bay
Good Wins:  Niagara
Last Year RPI:  95
Starters Lost:  3
NOTES:  My first reaction was "Akron?  Cool.  They've been a bubble team recently."  And then I realized that the days of Dru Joyce and Romeo Travis were actually five years or so ago, so they really aren't a dangerous team anymore (especially with losing their two best players to graduation).  I mean, Akron always seems to be a nice team, and I don't hate them being on the schedule at all since they'll probably just be a low 100 RPI, but meh.  Although maybe Lebron will show up.  Did I tell you I'm a huge Miami Heat fan now?

So really, there's no reason the Gophers shouldn't be, at a minimum, 9-2 heading into Big Ten play.  8-3 would be bad but not a disaster, but if they go in any worse than that the season is basically already done.  I don't think anybody realistically thinks they'll be more than a couple few games over .500 in Big Ten play, so a 7-4 non-conf record with that many cupcakes would make an NCAA bid a very tough road.

And it's really not that there are a ton of low-end games.  At most they'll probably end up with two teams with sub-200 RPIs, but it's the lack of high-end games that is so disappointing.  If everything breaks perfectly in the Puerto Rico Tip-Off they will end up having all of two marquee non-conference games - neither at home.  Didn't you think we'd be seeing better in Tubby:  Year IV?  I did.  Yeah, he's better than Monson (and thank god they didn't hire Molinari) and yes, we're seeing a better product and yes, they have indeed made the NCAA tournament two years in a row, so maybe it's my fault for wanting more.

Is it my fault?  Am I alone here?

Weekend Review - 8/9/2010

 Most important news from this weekend is that I beat New Super Mario Brothers on the Wii.  What up, Bowser?

Jesus.  Will you look at that monster.  I'm like some kind of god damn hero.


1.  Adam Wainwright.  It's officially time to start recognizing Adam Wainwright as one of the best pitchers in baseball.  I mean, I know people who know ball know how good he is, and he's pretty much universally hailed as having the best curveball in MLB, but you never really hear him mentioned when the best pitchers come up.  Wainwright tossed a complete game, 2-hit shutout Friday night, bringing his season numbers to a 2.07 ERA and 1.00 WHIP, to go along with a 16-6 record.  He's now second in ERA in the NL (behind Josh Johnson), second in WHIP (behind Mat Latos), second in Wins (behind Ubaldo), and third in strikeouts (behind Lincecum and Halladay).  That is a hell of a season. 

Maybe the most impressive thing though is in his six seasons so far, Wainwright has a career ERA of just 2.94.  Only 6 pitchers since 1980 have made at least 110 starts in their first six years and had an ERA of under 3.00:  Dwight Gooden, Orel Hershiser, Fernando Valenzuela, Tim Lincecum, Pedro Martinez, and Wainwright.  Not bad at all.

2.  Adam Dunn.  This is exactly why I was praying the White Sox wouldn't get Dunn - he can destroy a ballgame all by himself.  Friday night Dunn hit two 3-run homers off the Dodgers' Clayton Kershaw, one in the first and one in the third, to drive in all six National runs in a 6-3 win (they walked him in two of last three PAs - I bet you can guess what the outcome was in the other one - a perfect 3-true outcomes nigiht.)  Remember in game 163 two years ago, when you just knew Thome was going to be the guy who broke your heart?  That's what Dunn would have been on Chicago, they would have been half defeated before the game even started just knowing he was there.  Or at least I would have been.

3.  J.P. Arencibia.  With Matt Wieters currently worse than Drew Butera and Carlos Santana now out of the season I need a new young catcher to fixate on.  Oh, hello, Jonathan Paul Arencibia (I have to admit, I thought that J.P. was going to stand for something a lot cooler and ethnic-y.  This is just like finding out A.C. stood for Albert Clifford).  Hell of a debut for the highly touted rook, going 4-5 with 2 home runs and a double on Saturday.  Then, in a totally logical move, they sat him on Sunday for Jose Molina, who is 35 years old and has solidly proven himself to be mediocre in every way.  Leave it to the Canadians to eff up a good thing.  No wonder Chris Bosh left.

4.  Brandon Morrow.  I don't think anybody ever doubted Morrow's talent.  He was a monster prospect for Seattle a few years ago, but was never able to put it together at the big league level.  They tried him as a starter, and he really struggled with his control (66 ks and 50 walks in 63 innings) as a rookie.  So they moved him to the pen and tried to make him their closer which went ok, and then moved him back to starter where his control fell apart again (63 k/44 bb in 69 innings), finally giving up and sending him to Toronto for Brandon League and a minor leaguer. 

He finally put it all together for the Jays on Sunday, throwing 8 2/3 innings before allowing a hit, finishing with a complete game1-hit shutout while striking out 17.  According to Game Score, which I outlined in this post, he scored a 100 for the game, and ties it for the fourth best game in history behind Kerry Wood's 1-hit, 20-k masterpiece, a Nolan Ryan no-hitter with 16ks, and a Sandy Koufax no-no with 14 k's.  That is pretty damn good.  And since he threw 137 pitches, you can expect him to get shelled his next time out.

5.  Jason Repko.  Gotta say, I think I'm liking this guy.  He only played in one game this weekend and went just 1-4, so perhaps this isn't the ideal weekend to highlight him, but I can't help it - I just recently decided I like him.  He's now hitting .314/.386/.608 this season with three home runs in 51 at-bats.  That slugging percentage, by the way, is higher every Twin on the roster except for Justin Morneau, and is just .010 behind the guy with the broken head. 

Repko has some pedigree, too.  He was a first round pick of the Dodgers way back in 1999, but injuries and a pull-dependent swing kept him buried in the minors until 2005.  That year he got 301 PAs, but batted just .221/.281/.384, saw his PAs cut in half in 2006, and then missed all of 2007 with a torn hamstring suffered in a spring training collision with Rafael Furcal.  In 2008 and 2009 he played again in AAA for the Dodgers, putting up a combined line of .281/.341/.459 with 28 homers in 231 games but never got the call up, and was then outright released by Los Angeles, and signed 6 days later by the Twins.  He looks like a very promising fourth outfielder with some upside.  Excellent pickup.


1.  Francisco Liriano.  Double-U.  Tee.  Eff?  This is not what is supposed to happen.  Just as we're all happy and giddy and have boners because Baker and Slowey came to play, Franky - our hero, our light, our Obi-Wan, sucks against the triple-A team some call Cleveland.  Ok, yes, I'll admit that a good chunk of the hits he allowed could have been outs if they hadn't been precisely placed, but it's still disappointing to watch that kind of outing from our ace.  Go ahead and leave out the hits, but six walks in just 4 and 2/3 innings and a 61-48 strike-to-ball ratio isn't going to get it done.  It's just one bad outing in what has been a brilliant season thus far, but that looked an awful lot like last year's Liriano.  No thanks. 

2.  Tiger Woods.  I know already mentioned his worst-ever round at Firestone on Thursday in an earlier post this week, but it's impossible to ignore that he followed that up with a 72, 75, and 77 over the weekend to finish a combined +18 for the tournament, landing him in 78th place out of 80 finishers.  It was the worst tournament he's played in his career outside of the handful where he missed the cut, and the fact that it comes at Firestone, a course he has absolutely dominated in his career, should set off every warning siren that there is for him right now.  If I was going to give Tiger advice, and I am, it would be to shut it down for the year.  Skip the PGA since your game isn't in shape to contend anyway and go with whoever your current swing coach is and get this figured out, because we could be heading for David Duval or Joe Charboneau territory here. 

3.  Almost everyone else at the Bridgestone.  Lest you think Tiger Woods was the only one who crashed and burned, I must point out that there was an unusually high amount of terrible golf from great players this weekend, especially since the Bridgestone is a World Golf Championship event (second tier to the majors).  Woods' 77 wasn't the worst of the day because Phil Mickelson, who started the day in contention and had a chance to move from the #2 rated golfer to the #1 if he finished fourth or better, shot a 78.  The #3 golfer in the world, Lee Westwood, who could also have moved to #1 in certain scenarios, shot 71-76 and then withdrew.  And finally, the golfer who has overall played the best this year Ernie Els, started the day just two shots back and promptly shot 76 to drop all the way to 22nd.  And all this on the same day when 31 golfers managed to shoot par or better.  Weird stuff.  

4.  Chicago White Sox.  Not that I don't like it, because I do and hope it continues, but you can't win a division, even a shitty one like the AL Central, if you're going to lose two of three to the Orioles.  Their pitching is still retardedly good, with the O's only scoring 8 runs in the three games, but the Sox only scored 8 as well, and are now just a loss tonight away from coming into the big series against the Twins with the teams tied for first.  It'll be Edwin Jackson vs. Brian Matusz tonight, so it will probably be a 10-8 game, and then it's showdown time.  The pitching breaks out as:  Freddy Garcia vs. Scott Baker, John Danks vs. whoever fills in for Kevin Slowey, and Gavin Floyd vs. Liriano.  I would give the Twins a slight advantage in two of the three games, so it's very possible they leave Chicago in first place.  Or the Sox sweep and we just shut it down.

5.  Matt Kemp.  I was watching some of the Dodger/Nationals game (I have no idea why) and saw Kemp strike out and heard the L.A. crowd boo.  Knowing that in general Los Angeles fans are pretty laid back, I decided to look into why.  Turns out that was his fourth strikeout of the game (in four at-bats), which made him 0-10 for the weekend.  Truly sucktastic.  But beyond that, his stats have completely fallen off quite a bit from last year when he finished 10th in the NL MVP voting.  His average is down, his OBP is down, his slugging is down, and his strikeouts are up.  His OPS+ has fallen from 125 to 109, which is almost exactly like going from Michael Cuddyer last year to Michael Cuddyer this year, except Kemp can run and can field.  So the real lesson here is that we should all be booing Cuddy every time he's up.       

By the way, I've officially talked myself into Chip Armelin, the newest Gopher hoopster, coming to a campus near you September 1.  I put most of my thoughts in a post over the weekend, which you can either scroll down to read or if that's too much work just click here, but after meditating on this for a while I am getting a good feeling.  He's a great athlete who can shoot and handle the ball - what's not to like?  There are even explanations for why he wasn't recruited all that heavily (the football thing), and it's not like he was terrible - three time second-team All-State player and a McDonald's All-American Nominee (one of 30 in Louisiana, but still).  I'm officially on the Chip Armelin bandwagon.  Join me now, before everyone arrives.  And let's hope this doesn't turn into Rico Tucker part II.

Stay tuned.  I think you're going to get some Gopher stuff this week.  No promises of course, but let's say 80% likely.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Two Piles of Crap Face-Off (Live Movie Blog)

Mrs. W is being all crafty and making things for the soon-to-be-arriving baby's room, so I'm going to help her out by drinking some beer and watching Dinocroc vs. Supergator.  No that is not a misprint.  SyFy took two of their crappiest movies, both of which I've live blogged on here before, and combined them into one massive dump (or so I assume).  Let's hope I'm wrong.

-  So we open, before we even get to a title screen, with an alarm going off and a giant alligator (or crocodile) rampaging around and eating dorks in lab coats.  I gotta say, I approve so far.  This is what Godzilla would have been if the Japanese weren't such pussies.

-  So this must be the Supergator, because if I remember correctly the dinocroc was actually some unholy combination of a T-Rex and a crocodile.  Except that is way less cooler than it sounds.  It sounds badass, like a gorilla that breathes fire, but it was actually really gay, like Zac Efron.

-  David Carradine is in this!  That's the dude who hung himself to death while trying to do a combo whack & choke, right?

-  There's supergator.  It walks on it's hind legs with it's arms flapping around uselessly like a T-Rex or Dawger's ding-dong.  The evolutionary advantage of an alligator learning to walk on two legs while losing all front leg function?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  In fact, I posit that would be an evolutionary disadvantage.  Negative points for SyFy.

-  This hot chick and this d-bag are going to go to a waterfall so they can have underwater sex.  Is there any doubt they're about to die?  What is this obsession with punishing any movie character who has sex?  Damn puritans. 

-  This movie was written by two first-time writers.  So let me get this straight, they didn't even bother to bring back the writer from either of the two movies these iconic characters are taken from?  How can we be sure they're going to be written true to their characters?  Only the original writers know the true vision and motivation of our titular heroes.  This is going to be a travesty.  Like the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Hannibal Lecter movies.  Also the fourth Hannibal book, the prequel?  Third worst book ever. 

-  The guy just died, and he didn't even get to do it first.  But the way he died was genius.  He was standing in the lake and the water was only up to his knees, but then supergator killed him by coming out of the water straight vertically, which means it had to burrow through the ground to get to the guy, so this supergator is also part mole.  Or this is just really shitty writing.  And also the girl just died, but dinocroc did it.  It's like they're working together.

-  The token hot blonde is a game warden, just like in Lake Placid.  Here's the problem:  she's not hot.  That's a major issue.  I bet if the original writers were back this wouldn't happen.

-  So there's all these army guys who just showed up out of nowhere who I assume and there to kill the genetically engineered and recently escaped creatures, and they just shot a doctor who survived and escaped for no reason except for over acting black guy who said "No witness!"  Also one of the creatures just roared and I'd be willing to bet everything I have that they ripped that directly from Jurassic Park.

-  Two army dorks just pumped dinocroc full with what had to have been like 500 rounds from their machine guns.  His reaction?  Just kept walking and ate them.  No two other dorks are pumping more rounds into him and even threw C4 at him which, by the way, I'm pretty sure isn't the kind of thing you can just throw and have it explode but whatever, it didn't work.  Apparently the "dino" in dinocroc is ancient sanskrit for kevlar.

-  No worries about the blonde not being hot.  Token dark-haired chick just showed up and she is hot as fire. 

-  Here is how hot dark-haired chick, who is affiliated with David Carradine who is affiliated with the lab, wants to handle this:  she wants to hire "The Cajun" to kil these things.  Who is THE CAJUN, you ask?  It's a dude who looks like Simon Rex but in one of those cajun-y type hats who talks in a bad cajun-y accent, carries a huge knife (as cajun's are known to do) and just shot a rifle at a gator that was underwater and made the bullet travel underwater with enough velocity to kill.  In short, he's a badass and is probably who the game Bayou Billy was based on.

-  According to IMDB one of chicks in this, I haven't been able to figure out which one, also starred in something called "The Devil Wears Nada."  If it's this dark-haired lady I may have to find out if Vudu has that one available.

-  Two blondes in bikinis have suddenly appeared from nowhere, and have decided to "go for a walk."  I'm betting that 1.  one of these is the Devil Wears Nada chick and 2.  they are going to get way chomped in the woods.  I mean, maybe two top-heavy, scantily glad bimbos could go for a walk in wilderness that was being stalked by one super-large, genetically altered killer reptile, but two?  Come on.  Maybe Ice Cube's character from Surviving the Game could do it, but that's about it.

-  I figured out who the hot chick is.  Her name is Aurelia Scheppers, and she's never been in a movie like The Devil Wears Nada.  She has, however, played a character identified only as "hot tub hottie" in something called "Secret Girlfriend."

-  So for some reason those two chicks who were going for a walk are now at a waterfall, and there's some photographer there, randomly, who is going to take their pictures.  In the original Dinocroc (or Supergator) there was a model shoot with two models at a waterfall and it ended with the creature jumping out of the water and eating his head off.  And it just happened again.  Same identical scene, same chicks in bikinis running away, bouncily.

-  There are zero characters in this thing.  Every time somebody is introduced they die.  I think the not-hot blonde has had the most screen time, and she's been on for a grand total of about 6 minutes - no joke.  I like the idea that they are making this about the monsters, which is right and good, but you got to at least give us a main character we are supposed to care about.  It would be like watching a Twins season where the best and most likeable and most canadian player suddenly disappeared for a month with little explanation, and you just waiting and expecting for him to come back but it just never happened.

-  In case you couldn't tell I was referring to Justin Morneau.

-  Blonde girl is PISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSED.  The dude she was working with for some reason that was never clarified told her he was a tourist, but it turns out he works for the government and was sent to check on Dr. Crazy-pants and his genetic experiments before it got out of hand.  Little late for that buddy.  Oh, and she got over it.  Just like women always do in real life.  That's what I love about the fairer sex, they never hold grudges, blow things out of proportion, or spaz out over minor issues.

-  THE CAJUN and my new girlfriend are going out in the boat to hunt together.  Fitting, since between his cajun accent and her british accent they both sound like they're from Australia.  And they're running a bit of a flirty country hick vs. city girl thing.  This is just terrible.  It's like they're actively assaulting both acting and chemistry.

-  Blonde girl, fake government guy, and the science lady from the beginning who it turns out was in The Devil Wears Nada are in a jeep and driving as fast as they can to escape dinocroc, who is running after them on his two legs and making noises that are identical to the T-Rex from Jurassic Park.  Actually, this entire scene is completely lifted from Jurassic Park except the jeep in this case is yellow instead of red.

-  They got away somehow.  I missed it because I wasn't paying attention.  Now science lady, THE CAJUN, hot chick, blonde chick, and government guy are all at the hospital together while science lady gives them all the rundown of how David Carradine made all this happen.  You ready for this?  He was trying to find a way to make humans immune to disease.  So from that, he created two gigantic reptilian creatures, one of which became bipedal.  They're not even trying anymore.

-  Suddenly we are introduced to some sleazy movie star dude and his two buxom companions who have just arrived upon this island or country or state or wherever the hell they are.  I wonder if they're going to die?  Seems unlikely.

-  Dinocroc showed up and ate all three of their heads at once.  Huh, who could have seen that coming?  I guess they wanted another death and couldn't bear to part with any of the "core" characters and also couldn't have bothered to plan ahead to introduce these donks to us.  Also, I'm really disappointed in supergator.  Dinocroc has like 90% of the kills in this thing.

-  Hot chick just injected science lady with something for some reason, but then government guy showed up and tried to beat her up until she used one of those fancy paddles to shock him to unconsciousness, until literally five seconds later when blond girl and THE CAJUN show up.  They wake him up and he says, "she killed her" and nobody even bothers to check on the science lady at all.  It would be a sweet twist if at the end she turns out to still be alive and is all like, "Hey dumbasses, nobody even so much as took my pulse.  Owned" and then turns a machine gun on everybody.

-  Now, as they talk about how they have to kill things, they keep referring to them as "the two lizards."  This bothers me a lot because I'm a huge nerd and alligators and crocodiles aren't lizards.  What doesn't bother me, however, is that the new plan is to get the two creatures together and get them to fight.  Sounds pretty awesome, although I'm confident they'll find a way to somehow lame this up.

-  Remember how I mentioned there is no character development in this?  There's really no plot development either.  This is a completely empty movie.  It's not even bad, really, there isn't enough here to be terrible.  It's just a waste of time.  I'd almost rather this was completely terrible so I could mock it.  Instead it's like eating  carrots.

-  Government guy just called THE CAJUN, "Logan."  How disrespectful.  That's like calling Bob Cobb "Bob Cobb."  He should probably cut his throat with his huge knife, the same knife we haven't seen once since his introduction.  Come to think of it, THE CAJUN hasn't really done anything at all other than flirt with the hot chick and talk like a retard, and all while squinting.

-  Hey, there's my boy Supergator!  And he just ate a tour bus.  Actually, he didn't eat it, he jumped on it for some inexplicable reason, which crushed it when he landed.  That might have been the dumbest scene in  this whole thing.  And they still haven't explained how they're going to get both creatures in the same place, let alone make them fight since they were basically in the same place twice before and didn't seem to give two shits about each other.

-  A couple of FBI agents just showed up to arrest David Carradine and hot chick, although since we've never seen them before I'd assume they end up dead, but unfortunately not before they shoot hot chick to death.  What a waste.  Also, the FBI guy told David Carradine (who also just died of being shot) that he was under arrest for "genetic engineering."  No joke.  So these FBI agents tried to arrest someone for something that isn't a crime and then shoot both suspects dead.  Either these guys are completely incompetent or this movie is full of sloppy writing and couldn't figure out any other way to kill off the bad guys.

-  Have I mentioned before that supergator seems to have stegosaurus-like spikes on it's back?  Again, fo rno real reason.

-  Somehow they got both monsters to the same place, despite not really explaining it and using explosives in some way that made no sense.  This is going to be sweet.  Or really suck.  I am betting on the second one.

-  A lot of roaring and posturing so far.  Nobody with an advantage.

-  sueprgator goes for the leg.  dinocroc dodges, counters with a headbutt that knocks supergator on his back despite the fact that he's 2 feet off the ground.

-  Neither monster is using its teeth, which makes tons of sense since they're their only weapons.

-  Five minute cutaway to the people so they can talk.  gay.

-  Cut back to monsters and dinocroc won.  We know this because we see supergator with it's stomach torn open and dinocroc feeding.  Thanks for showing us nothing of the fight despite it being the title of this movie that must have been written by a four-year old.

-  Dinocroc then blown up by some random explosive.  Government guy didn't get killed by it because he hid a fridge in a move ripped off from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, a scene which was universally panned by every movie watcher ever.  I'm just saying, if you're going to rip a scene from somewhere, maybe don't go for the worst scene in movie history.

-  So it's over, but before we get to credits we see a dark corner of a barn or something and hear the sound of what I can only assume is supposed to be a baby supergator/dinocroc.  Terrible.  Why not just show an egg?  This movie was both a waste of time and stupid.

Now, something important is say you're lettuce, but you're sentient. You're also unable to feel pain (this is important). Obviously the ideal way to live out your life would be for nobody to ever notice you so you can just keep on impregnating the girl lettuce through osmosis or whatever, but that's not what happens to you.

You get picked by those people who make salad mixes. They chop you all up (remember, you can't feel pain so you don't care) and throw all of you in the same bag through sheer luck. You get purchased by someone. However this someone is maybe not the best salad eater in the world, and you just sit and sit and sit in the fridge, unopened, and you are starting to turn that ugly purplish/red on the edges which shows you're going bad.

Now, would you rather have this person notice you and make you into a delicious salad (remember, you don't feel pain) and get eaten, or would you rather just waste away until he remembers you're there and you are all rotten and get thrown in the garbage?