Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.4.2010

1. Looks like somebody's sick of not being the lead on Sportscenter.  You are no doubt aware of this already, but the Pete Rose of football, Brett Favre, decided to make his retirement/non-retirement a story again, this time texting teammates the phrase "this is it" which somehow has been taken to mean he is retiring, despite the fact that I can think of a million other things that phrase could be referring to.  Of course, this is the kind of thing you'd think could be easily clarified with a statement, but naturally Debbie Drama has kept silent on the issue.

It's freaking unbelievable.  Every year.  There were times I thought it might be a media obsession that created this circus every year, but it really is Favre.  He completely creates this every where he goes.  He's not the down home of the farm good ole boy, he's Paris Hilton.  Seriously he makes Lindsay Lohan look shy and Spencer Pratt look media savvy.  I'm ready to say good riddance to Captain Look-at-Me.  Except that with him they are a Super Bowl contender, without they are a borderline playoff team, so I'll put up with it and then welcome him back with open arms.  Oh my god I think I have battered wife syndrome.

2.  Well Matt Guerrier certainly lit that candle, didn't he?  I know I overreact to every loss.  I admit it, and if I continue to write daily you'll see it as I write about each Twins game, but isn't it disheartening to see them just fail against good teams again and again?  I mean, they had opportunity after opportunity to take control of that game and let them all pass by.  When they finally manage to tie the game on a big and unlikely HR by Butera, Guerrier comes in and gives us one of the ugliest relief outings you'll ever see to give the game away.  I'm not suggesting they can't win the division, being just 1.5 back of a very flawed Chicago teams means you're just another streak away from first, and they have the schedule where they could do it, but I am suggesting they have no shot in the playoffs to do anything other than fade away.  Again.

When Morneau is back things could change, he's that good, but day by day this thing gets curiouser and curiouser.  Perhaps most telling is the fact that Morneau seems to have gone into hiding.  Maybe he has a huge lump on his head and he's embarrassed.  Maybe he actually had an eyeball fall out when he got kneed.  Or maybe things are really, truly bad up in his noggin.  Like, really bad.  I certainly hope not, because that would be a tragedy not just in the sports world but in the world world as well, but the comparisons to what happened to Corey Koskie are feeling more and more disturbingly apt. 

3.  I should probably update you on this.  Since I talked yesterday about super phenom Carlos Santana getting run over at the plate and destroying his leg the day after I traded for him, you will probably be happy to hear the news that it ended up being just a knee sprain and Santana is now on the 15-day disabled list.  Based on how bad that play looked, this is beyond good news for the Indians.  Now he should be able to be back in time to shred Twins' pitching and knock them out of the playoffs.

4.  What year is this, 2003?  The Boston Celtics are about to sign Shaquille O'Neal.  Seriously.  You would have thought it near impossible for this team to get older, but it looks like they have done it.  Seriously though, they easily have the best team of 2003.  KG finished second in the MVP voting with Shaq finishing fifth and both were All-NBA first teamers and on the all-defensive team.  Paul Pierce was third team All-NBA and was 13th in MVP balloting, with Jermaine O'Neal joining him on that all-NBA third team.  Ray Allen was merely an all-star and won the Sportsmanship Award (wait, the what?).  All they need to do is fill out their roster with the available Tracy McGrady (4th in MVP voting) and Allen Iverson (6th) and they would dominate.  All they'd need is a time machine.  Or a Hot Tub and an illegal Russian energy drink.  Or even a Delorean and some plutonium.   1.21 Gigawatts!

5.  Suck it, Chicago.  When the White Sox were unable to consummate an Adam Dunn deal, despite committing self-rape in acquiring Edwin Jackson, their hope was that he would slip through waivers and they could claim him, at which point they could then work out a trade to acquire the services of the big donkey.  The Nationals didn't waste any time according to reports, putting Dunn on waivers today, however it doesn't look like Chicago will get a crack at him.  According to analysts there's is essentially no way Dunn will slip past both the Rockies and Giants, and since a waived player has to pass through his own league before the teams in the other get a chance, it looks like the Sox will just have to sit there with a limp wiener, the saddest kind of wiener.  (and if you aren't a nerd like me and don't quite understand all this waiver stuff, here is a very excellent primer from excellent Twins' blog Twinkie Town). 

6.  Maybe this is why Favre is retiring again.  According to reports, Donkey Kong Sue will sign with the Lions at some point today, putting his name to a contract worth $60 million over five years, with $40 million of that guaranteed.  Nice.  He did miss four days of practice and whoever the Lions new coach is (Jim Schwartz is his name.  Seriously.  Just go with Jim Shorts already) is all twisted up about the "missed opportunities" or whatever.  Relax Mr. Shorts, I think he'll be ok.  As noted poet and wordsmith Allen Iverson once said, "I know it’s important, I honestly do but we’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice man. We’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice. We’re not talking about the game. We’re talking about practice."  Preach on, brother!