Saturday, August 7, 2010

Two Piles of Crap Face-Off (Live Movie Blog)

Mrs. W is being all crafty and making things for the soon-to-be-arriving baby's room, so I'm going to help her out by drinking some beer and watching Dinocroc vs. Supergator.  No that is not a misprint.  SyFy took two of their crappiest movies, both of which I've live blogged on here before, and combined them into one massive dump (or so I assume).  Let's hope I'm wrong.

-  So we open, before we even get to a title screen, with an alarm going off and a giant alligator (or crocodile) rampaging around and eating dorks in lab coats.  I gotta say, I approve so far.  This is what Godzilla would have been if the Japanese weren't such pussies.

-  So this must be the Supergator, because if I remember correctly the dinocroc was actually some unholy combination of a T-Rex and a crocodile.  Except that is way less cooler than it sounds.  It sounds badass, like a gorilla that breathes fire, but it was actually really gay, like Zac Efron.

-  David Carradine is in this!  That's the dude who hung himself to death while trying to do a combo whack & choke, right?

-  There's supergator.  It walks on it's hind legs with it's arms flapping around uselessly like a T-Rex or Dawger's ding-dong.  The evolutionary advantage of an alligator learning to walk on two legs while losing all front leg function?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  In fact, I posit that would be an evolutionary disadvantage.  Negative points for SyFy.

-  This hot chick and this d-bag are going to go to a waterfall so they can have underwater sex.  Is there any doubt they're about to die?  What is this obsession with punishing any movie character who has sex?  Damn puritans. 

-  This movie was written by two first-time writers.  So let me get this straight, they didn't even bother to bring back the writer from either of the two movies these iconic characters are taken from?  How can we be sure they're going to be written true to their characters?  Only the original writers know the true vision and motivation of our titular heroes.  This is going to be a travesty.  Like the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Hannibal Lecter movies.  Also the fourth Hannibal book, the prequel?  Third worst book ever. 

-  The guy just died, and he didn't even get to do it first.  But the way he died was genius.  He was standing in the lake and the water was only up to his knees, but then supergator killed him by coming out of the water straight vertically, which means it had to burrow through the ground to get to the guy, so this supergator is also part mole.  Or this is just really shitty writing.  And also the girl just died, but dinocroc did it.  It's like they're working together.

-  The token hot blonde is a game warden, just like in Lake Placid.  Here's the problem:  she's not hot.  That's a major issue.  I bet if the original writers were back this wouldn't happen.

-  So there's all these army guys who just showed up out of nowhere who I assume and there to kill the genetically engineered and recently escaped creatures, and they just shot a doctor who survived and escaped for no reason except for over acting black guy who said "No witness!"  Also one of the creatures just roared and I'd be willing to bet everything I have that they ripped that directly from Jurassic Park.

-  Two army dorks just pumped dinocroc full with what had to have been like 500 rounds from their machine guns.  His reaction?  Just kept walking and ate them.  No two other dorks are pumping more rounds into him and even threw C4 at him which, by the way, I'm pretty sure isn't the kind of thing you can just throw and have it explode but whatever, it didn't work.  Apparently the "dino" in dinocroc is ancient sanskrit for kevlar.

-  No worries about the blonde not being hot.  Token dark-haired chick just showed up and she is hot as fire. 

-  Here is how hot dark-haired chick, who is affiliated with David Carradine who is affiliated with the lab, wants to handle this:  she wants to hire "The Cajun" to kil these things.  Who is THE CAJUN, you ask?  It's a dude who looks like Simon Rex but in one of those cajun-y type hats who talks in a bad cajun-y accent, carries a huge knife (as cajun's are known to do) and just shot a rifle at a gator that was underwater and made the bullet travel underwater with enough velocity to kill.  In short, he's a badass and is probably who the game Bayou Billy was based on.

-  According to IMDB one of chicks in this, I haven't been able to figure out which one, also starred in something called "The Devil Wears Nada."  If it's this dark-haired lady I may have to find out if Vudu has that one available.

-  Two blondes in bikinis have suddenly appeared from nowhere, and have decided to "go for a walk."  I'm betting that 1.  one of these is the Devil Wears Nada chick and 2.  they are going to get way chomped in the woods.  I mean, maybe two top-heavy, scantily glad bimbos could go for a walk in wilderness that was being stalked by one super-large, genetically altered killer reptile, but two?  Come on.  Maybe Ice Cube's character from Surviving the Game could do it, but that's about it.

-  I figured out who the hot chick is.  Her name is Aurelia Scheppers, and she's never been in a movie like The Devil Wears Nada.  She has, however, played a character identified only as "hot tub hottie" in something called "Secret Girlfriend."

-  So for some reason those two chicks who were going for a walk are now at a waterfall, and there's some photographer there, randomly, who is going to take their pictures.  In the original Dinocroc (or Supergator) there was a model shoot with two models at a waterfall and it ended with the creature jumping out of the water and eating his head off.  And it just happened again.  Same identical scene, same chicks in bikinis running away, bouncily.

-  There are zero characters in this thing.  Every time somebody is introduced they die.  I think the not-hot blonde has had the most screen time, and she's been on for a grand total of about 6 minutes - no joke.  I like the idea that they are making this about the monsters, which is right and good, but you got to at least give us a main character we are supposed to care about.  It would be like watching a Twins season where the best and most likeable and most canadian player suddenly disappeared for a month with little explanation, and you just waiting and expecting for him to come back but it just never happened.

-  In case you couldn't tell I was referring to Justin Morneau.

-  Blonde girl is PISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSED.  The dude she was working with for some reason that was never clarified told her he was a tourist, but it turns out he works for the government and was sent to check on Dr. Crazy-pants and his genetic experiments before it got out of hand.  Little late for that buddy.  Oh, and she got over it.  Just like women always do in real life.  That's what I love about the fairer sex, they never hold grudges, blow things out of proportion, or spaz out over minor issues.

-  THE CAJUN and my new girlfriend are going out in the boat to hunt together.  Fitting, since between his cajun accent and her british accent they both sound like they're from Australia.  And they're running a bit of a flirty country hick vs. city girl thing.  This is just terrible.  It's like they're actively assaulting both acting and chemistry.

-  Blonde girl, fake government guy, and the science lady from the beginning who it turns out was in The Devil Wears Nada are in a jeep and driving as fast as they can to escape dinocroc, who is running after them on his two legs and making noises that are identical to the T-Rex from Jurassic Park.  Actually, this entire scene is completely lifted from Jurassic Park except the jeep in this case is yellow instead of red.

-  They got away somehow.  I missed it because I wasn't paying attention.  Now science lady, THE CAJUN, hot chick, blonde chick, and government guy are all at the hospital together while science lady gives them all the rundown of how David Carradine made all this happen.  You ready for this?  He was trying to find a way to make humans immune to disease.  So from that, he created two gigantic reptilian creatures, one of which became bipedal.  They're not even trying anymore.

-  Suddenly we are introduced to some sleazy movie star dude and his two buxom companions who have just arrived upon this island or country or state or wherever the hell they are.  I wonder if they're going to die?  Seems unlikely.

-  Dinocroc showed up and ate all three of their heads at once.  Huh, who could have seen that coming?  I guess they wanted another death and couldn't bear to part with any of the "core" characters and also couldn't have bothered to plan ahead to introduce these donks to us.  Also, I'm really disappointed in supergator.  Dinocroc has like 90% of the kills in this thing.

-  Hot chick just injected science lady with something for some reason, but then government guy showed up and tried to beat her up until she used one of those fancy paddles to shock him to unconsciousness, until literally five seconds later when blond girl and THE CAJUN show up.  They wake him up and he says, "she killed her" and nobody even bothers to check on the science lady at all.  It would be a sweet twist if at the end she turns out to still be alive and is all like, "Hey dumbasses, nobody even so much as took my pulse.  Owned" and then turns a machine gun on everybody.

-  Now, as they talk about how they have to kill things, they keep referring to them as "the two lizards."  This bothers me a lot because I'm a huge nerd and alligators and crocodiles aren't lizards.  What doesn't bother me, however, is that the new plan is to get the two creatures together and get them to fight.  Sounds pretty awesome, although I'm confident they'll find a way to somehow lame this up.

-  Remember how I mentioned there is no character development in this?  There's really no plot development either.  This is a completely empty movie.  It's not even bad, really, there isn't enough here to be terrible.  It's just a waste of time.  I'd almost rather this was completely terrible so I could mock it.  Instead it's like eating  carrots.

-  Government guy just called THE CAJUN, "Logan."  How disrespectful.  That's like calling Bob Cobb "Bob Cobb."  He should probably cut his throat with his huge knife, the same knife we haven't seen once since his introduction.  Come to think of it, THE CAJUN hasn't really done anything at all other than flirt with the hot chick and talk like a retard, and all while squinting.

-  Hey, there's my boy Supergator!  And he just ate a tour bus.  Actually, he didn't eat it, he jumped on it for some inexplicable reason, which crushed it when he landed.  That might have been the dumbest scene in  this whole thing.  And they still haven't explained how they're going to get both creatures in the same place, let alone make them fight since they were basically in the same place twice before and didn't seem to give two shits about each other.

-  A couple of FBI agents just showed up to arrest David Carradine and hot chick, although since we've never seen them before I'd assume they end up dead, but unfortunately not before they shoot hot chick to death.  What a waste.  Also, the FBI guy told David Carradine (who also just died of being shot) that he was under arrest for "genetic engineering."  No joke.  So these FBI agents tried to arrest someone for something that isn't a crime and then shoot both suspects dead.  Either these guys are completely incompetent or this movie is full of sloppy writing and couldn't figure out any other way to kill off the bad guys.

-  Have I mentioned before that supergator seems to have stegosaurus-like spikes on it's back?  Again, fo rno real reason.

-  Somehow they got both monsters to the same place, despite not really explaining it and using explosives in some way that made no sense.  This is going to be sweet.  Or really suck.  I am betting on the second one.

-  A lot of roaring and posturing so far.  Nobody with an advantage.

-  sueprgator goes for the leg.  dinocroc dodges, counters with a headbutt that knocks supergator on his back despite the fact that he's 2 feet off the ground.

-  Neither monster is using its teeth, which makes tons of sense since they're their only weapons.

-  Five minute cutaway to the people so they can talk.  gay.

-  Cut back to monsters and dinocroc won.  We know this because we see supergator with it's stomach torn open and dinocroc feeding.  Thanks for showing us nothing of the fight despite it being the title of this movie that must have been written by a four-year old.

-  Dinocroc then blown up by some random explosive.  Government guy didn't get killed by it because he hid a fridge in a move ripped off from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, a scene which was universally panned by every movie watcher ever.  I'm just saying, if you're going to rip a scene from somewhere, maybe don't go for the worst scene in movie history.

-  So it's over, but before we get to credits we see a dark corner of a barn or something and hear the sound of what I can only assume is supposed to be a baby supergator/dinocroc.  Terrible.  Why not just show an egg?  This movie was both a waste of time and stupid.

Now, something important is say you're lettuce, but you're sentient. You're also unable to feel pain (this is important). Obviously the ideal way to live out your life would be for nobody to ever notice you so you can just keep on impregnating the girl lettuce through osmosis or whatever, but that's not what happens to you.

You get picked by those people who make salad mixes. They chop you all up (remember, you can't feel pain so you don't care) and throw all of you in the same bag through sheer luck. You get purchased by someone. However this someone is maybe not the best salad eater in the world, and you just sit and sit and sit in the fridge, unopened, and you are starting to turn that ugly purplish/red on the edges which shows you're going bad.

Now, would you rather have this person notice you and make you into a delicious salad (remember, you don't feel pain) and get eaten, or would you rather just waste away until he remembers you're there and you are all rotten and get thrown in the garbage?


E. E said...

It was Ice T in Surviving the Game not Ice Cube.

WWWWWW said...

I actually typed Ice Cube? Ugh. My bad. I know it was Ice T. I love that movie.