Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Week in Review - 5/30/2011

 Another excellent Memorial Day weekend, probably the best weekend of the year.  I caught the biggest crappie, biggest northern, and biggest bass out of everybody at the cabin, and while this would usually be the point where I'd brag about how awesome I am - and I am - but pretty much everybody killed it, or at least as much as we could when it wasn't too windy.  We collectively caught a ton of crappies that all ranked among the biggest we ever caught at the cabin, and in one stretch of about 45 minutes out on the boat we caught 15 northerns.  It was totally awesome.  You're so jealous.  Anyway I'm really tired so you can expect a definite half-assed effort here.


1.  Nick Blackburn.  Generally he's pretty overrated, but I get it - good lookin' guy, killer side burns, little bit of a "I don't care what anybody think about me" beard, unflappable on the mound, and just a cool, calm guy who can absolutely shut down a team once in a while, so I get it.  If you actually look at stats and whatnot, however, he's generally been pretty bad over his career, even finishing in the top 4 in hits allowed twice in his career.  I have to give it up to him, however, because he has somehow become the team's only reliable pitcher - the only one you know will keep you in the game this year. 

In his six games pitched in the month of May his worst outing would have been today - 6ip, 7 hits, 5 runs.  Using Game Score (I won't bore you but it's explained mid-page right here) that comes out as a 40.  Looking at every other Twins starter they've only equaled or beaten that score 19 times between five guys, and only 16 times prior to this weekend before the hapless Angels gave everybody a boost.  Blackie's average for the month was 59, a score only reached by a non-Blackburn twin 7 times.  All of which is a nerdy way of saying that an average Nick Blackburn outing is probably better than the best any other Twin can pitch right now, which is actually of really succinctly summing out just how crappy this season is going.

2.  Mike Miller.  This already feels like a million years ago but technically it happened last week, but did you see Miller against the Bulls in those final two games?  After playing sparingly in the first two playoff rounds and even in the first 3 games versus Chicago he suddenly burst back onto the scene and played 26 and 24 minutes in games 4 and 5, averaging 10 pts and 8 rebs in the two games and, no joke, was probably the biggest reason the Heat won game 4 and swung the series.  No kidding if you watched it he registered the majority of his stats in the fourth and absolutely was the difference in that game.   There's a decent change he'll matter again against Dallas, but let me tell you watching him in that fourth quarter was jarring and a reminder of how good he used to be.  At Florida, I mean, when he played a complete game, not the jump-shooting nancy boy he became in the NBA. 

3.  Bartolo Colon.  I will admit that I thought Colon was a big-fat tub of goo who was basically washed up and done and when the Yankees signed him I was like "good, suck it Yankees you queers!" but well fuck me I guess.  Colon shut out the A's today on just four hits while striking out six, and now has just a 3.26 ERA on the year.  And I don't care because the Yankees are still stupid and still suck and Bartolo is still fat and has a stupid name.  He's probably going to give up eleventeen runs his next time out, assuming he's not throwing at the Twins.  

4.  Carl Crawford.  Well it's about time, Mr. Crawford.  After signing that huge contract with the Red Sox he's been one of the biggest disappointments of the year and was sort of the symbol for Red Sox suckage to start the season, but he's starting to turn it around.  Well, he's had a few good games, I should say, including a 4-4 with 2 doubles and a homer on Wednesday and 4-5 with two triples the next day.  Then I went out of town and now I just looked up his next few games and they were 0-4, 0-3, and 0-4.  So who knows.  He's still just hitting .232/.267/.362 now for the year, which sounds bad but would be the fifth highest OPS on the Twins.  Wow.  Fifth highest on the worst team in the league.  I guess he's still really bad.  But at least he had a good week.  Has any twin had even a single 4-hit game this year?  Looking it up, yes.  Span had 4 hits April 13th and Cuddyer had four the day before.  So the Twins have gone nearly two months without a 4-hit game from a single player, and one the season have as many as Carl Crawford, the guy synonymous with disappointing player this year, had in one week.  This season is so much fun.

5.  Michael Morse.  I seriously have no idea who this guy is, but I do a lot of wagering on individual players and the Nationals have been a gold mine to bet against players not getting an rbi or not scoring a run in a game.  So every time I see Washington has scored a run I have to look up immediately how they scored to see if I lost a bet and need to punish myself.  So that's how I know that Morse hit a home run on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Monday and in that stretch he's knocked in 11 of his team's total 27 runs.  So I picked up in Fantasy.  Stay tuned to find out if I'm a genius, like I was with Charlie Morton.     


1.  Derrick Rose.  No lie, it was kind of tough to watch Rose those last couple of games against Miami.  The good news is he clearly wanted the ball, was the leader, and was aggressive.  The bad news was he couldn't have scored with your mom after a glass of white zin.  He's still one of the best in the NBA and he'll be fine and all, but yuck.  More here if you need it.

2.  Kevin Durant.  Much the same as Rose, Durant certainly didn't do himself any favors in the final few games against the Mavericks.  In game 3 he was 0-8 from three, in game 4 he turned it over 9 times including a killer down the stretch where he just straight lost control of the ball, and overall he shot just 23% from three for the series.  I love the guy and he's obviously one of a handful of people you'd consider as your #1 choice if you were starting a franchise, but I almost wonder if he needs a littler more killer in his blood.  I'm interested to see if any kind of possible feud develops between him and Westbrook.  You can only have one alpha on a team, and it's obvious to everyone that Durant should be that alpha - obvious to everyone except Durant and Westbrook.  Pay attention.  You'll see.

3.  Washington Nationals.  It's hard to believe a team could be as bad as the Twins - because that's actually impossible so the joke's on you - but Washington is bad, bad, bad.  They're 1-8 in their last 9 and have given up five or more runs in six of those games while scoring three or less runs in five (we've already talked about that offense above).  That's a bad combination.  Also a bad combination?  Their rotation.  Jason Marquis and Livan Hernandez in the same rotation?  Possibly the two worst pitchers of the last five years?  Seriously that's like the pitching equivalent of a middle infield combination of Alexi Casilla and Matt Tolbert, as if anybody would be dumb enough to roll with those two. 

4.  Joakim Soria.  Did I, or did I not, tell you about this?  I did, because I'm a genius and so much smarter than you.  Soria's week - 2/3 inning, 3 runs allowed, blown save - 1 good ip in a meaningless 12-7 game -  2/3 ip, 2 runs allowed, blown save - 1 ip, 3 runs allowed, blown save.  He now has an ERA of almost 7 and is seven for twelve in save opps after having now blown 4 of his last 5.  Done.  And I told you so. 

5.  Car Racing.   I normally wouldn't bother to include car racing in the sucks column since it always sucks - I mean, come on man, it's just cars driving in a circle and whoever has the fastest car wins, you know it, I know it, and racing fans know it no matter what they try to say - but tonight was a special case.  I only know this because it was all over the radio when I was driving back from the cabin, but now we have special proof of how stupid it all is.  There were two big races this weekend, one in each league (called, I believe, NASCAR and NASCAR2), and in one some dude was winning until the very last turn on the last lap where, for some unknown reason, he drove straight in a wall despite having a big lead and ended up finishing second, and the other where some dude was winning almost until the end when he ran out of gas.  He ran out of gas.  He ran out of gas in car racing.  That would be like a baseball player going out into the field without his glove (I would guess Casilla almost does this twice a week) or a basketball player not wearing shoes.  So dumb.  But honestly if you like racing you probably don't own a computer so you can't read this and your Memorial Day BBQ likely consisted of squirrel or possum or whatever you ran over in your truck recently (you know, your truck with a door that's a different color than the rest of the truck and has a sticker of calvin pissing on a logo on the back window, along with an "Ass, Cash, or Grass bumper sticker.)  In conclusion, racing is stupid and so is your face.

Since I mentioned Memorial Day BBQ you're probably wondering what we had.  So I will tell you.  We simply had Kobe beef burgers on the grill (lightly seasoned with salt and pepper - you don't want to mess with these too much - and topped with provolone), corn on the cob (garlic and herb butter), and really excellent cauliflower gratin that Mrs. W made.  It was excellent, and I highly recommend going for the Kobe burgers once in a while.  They're about twice the price of regular burger patties and about 3 times more than lump burger you form yourself, but holy crap they were worth it.  Also, before any smartass posts a comment here, I will come clean and admit I screwed up cooking turkey burgers and brats on the grill this weekend, but in my defense I haven't cooked on a charcoal grill since we got our sweet gas one about 6 years ago.  Plus everything was fine once my dad figured out the bottom grate was closed.  So shut up.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Six Very Important Things from Last Night - 05/26/2011

What's that?  A post in the patented "6 Things" format?  Righteous!  Well aren't you lucky.  And go:

1.  The Twins still suck.  This time it was Erik Bedard who shut them down, causing Gardenhire to say retarded Gardenhire things like "filthy", "great stuff", and "guys were swinging and missing by a foot."  Now that last one might be true, but I'd say it had more to do with the Twins being terrible, terrible, terrible at hitting than anything to do with Erik Bedard.  The same Bedard who hasn't been filthy - or pitched in the majors - since 2009 and was lit up by both the Indians and Royals earlier this year.  I will admit he's been pretty solid lately, but I refuse to give him any credit or any pitcher who shuts down the Twins any credit because these guys are god damn terrible.  They have two guys hitting above .270, only 5 guys with an OBP over .300, and 3 guys slugging over .400 and two of those are part-timers (Plouffe, Thome).  To be completely honest with you, I'm pretty sure Ila Borders could start and would allow less than 3 runs to these cream puffs.

2.  Zack Attack is back, Jack.  In news that feels AL Central related but isn't, Zack Greinke finally put together a vintage Zack Greinke performance yesterday afternoon going seven strong innings, striking out 10 and allowing just a 3-run homer to Mike Morse (note:  who? his name may not actually be Mike.  I didn't look it up.) to wreck a very nice day.  And, just to add on to his re-breakout performance, he also hit a ding dong which gave the Brewers a 4-3 lead.  It was Greinke's first time throwing 100 pitches since returning from injury, and he looked damn good.  This now gives the Brewers a very good rotation on paper:  Greinke, Marcum, Narveson, Wolf, and Gallardo, except not on paper Marcum is the only one whose been worth a damn.  Luckily their offense has been good enough to keep them just 2.5 games out of first.  If Greinke has it together it's going to be huge for them.  Of course, as soon as the Milwaukee media starts asking tough questions he'll probably crumple into fetal position and cry to his mom.

3.  The future may be bleak.  ESPN came out with their first set of team recruiting rankings for 2012 and of the top 10 (that's all they rank) you'll find four Big Ten teams.   Indiana is #1 (fo real) with four ESPN top 100 guys already signed, highlighted by big time PG Kevin Farrell and some weirdo with the first name Hanner.  Michigan State is ranked #3 with some highly rated white dudes, Purdue is #8 with a handful of really good back court players, and Michigan ranks tenth with Glenn Robinson's kid and the second coming of Jon Deibler.  The Gophers' list of 2012 commits?  Zero.  Joy.

4.  This happened Tuesday night, but what happened to Derrick Rose?  I know he's basically the reason the Bulls have gotten as far as they have, but whoa how bad did he choke in that game?  He couldn't hit anything most of the game, but saved his most special screw-ups for crunch time - a great trait in your crunch time player.  First he made only one of two free throws with just over a minute left and the Bulls down by one.  Then, he missed a mid-range jumper that would have given the Bulls the lead with 28 seconds left, and followed that up by by air-balling the potential game winner at the end of regulation by forcing a fade away weird forced thing.  Then, in overtime, he failed to score a single point (and only managed one shot) and committed a crucial turnover with just over a minute left and the Bulls down 4.  There's no doubt he's one of the five best young players in the NBA, but watching that game was like watching Chris Webber call that timeout again, but stretched out for an entire half + overtime.

5.  Speaking of the NBA, Kobe must want full control of the Lakers.  I can't think of any other reason the team would hire Mike freaking Brown, who is most famous for failing to get the most out of Lebron James and helping hasten his departure out of town, helping to turn Cleveland into even more of a wasteland than it already was, but without their one shining hope - like what would happen to Fargo if some intrepid young soul was to burn NDSU to the ground.  Basically his entire idea of coaching offense is to give the ball to his star and just let him and wait a minute I totally get it.  Kobe would have definitely had a large hand in deciding who was going to be the next Laker coach, and a coach with no clue on how to run a coherent offense who is almost totally dependent on his star player to create points is perfect for a selfish son of a bitch like Bryant.  Everybody knows there are two things Kobe loves:  being completely in charge of the basketball, and naive 17-year old hotel managers.

6.  Finally, late tonight the old man Mavericks knocked off the Thunder to advance to the NBA finals.  For the second straight game the Thunder seemed in control of the game, but once again Dallas came back in the end to get the win, this time thanks to not one but two open three-point looks for Dirk Nowitzki with the Mavs trailing in the final couple of minutes.  Dirk hit the second one to give Dallas the lead and they never looked back.  I hope to god they can beat the Heat in the finals, because make no mistake this is probably the worst version of this Heat team we're going to get.  They're still in some ways learning to play together and I'm pretty sure they'll figure out a way to upgrade their supported cast in the coming seasons.  Do you really want a Heat dynasty?  Better than a Laker one, at least, but Dirk deserves a ring.  I'm 100% Maverick fan now.

Also the Phillies/Reds played 19 innings last night, with the Phillies finally pulling it out on a sac fly by Raul Ibanez.  It seems like the kind of thing that I could fit into my six relevant things or whatever, but it's the national league so let's be honest nobody gives a crap.  The two teams combined to use 16 pitchers, all of whom are better than anybody the Twins have on their roster.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Monday Musings - Who should the Twins trade?

I'll keep this short tonight since I kind of feel like crap, but I'm just lying on the coach watching the Twins game and the NBA game, so I might as well jot down a few thoughts as they occur in my brain.  First though:  you're telling me that Denard Span can golf a pitch up and over the right field wall but Mauer, Morneau, and even Kubel talk about how difficult it is to hit a ball out to right?  God I hate this team sometimes.  I swear 90% of the roster is a bunch of nancy little whiner girls.

-  I'm really excited for this Dallas/OKC game.  I'm probably going to spend more time watching them than the Twins, mainly because Pavano decided to throw batting practice again today.  It's so annoying when the pitchers decide to do that.  It's really too bad it seems to be a team mantra this season.

- Fairly crazy that Ed DeChellis is leaving Penn State to coach at Navy, no?  I mean, there are a million reasons to leave that job:  the program hasn't been good under him, he's basically losing his entire team from last year, and despite making the NCAA Tournament last year he wasn't offered an extension or given any assurance he'd remain the coach after what is guaranteed to be a terrible season.  So yes, I can understand leaving, but to go to Navy?  Not only a Patriot League team but a middle-of-the-road Patriot League team and a service academy?  That says an awful lot about the state of Penn State, and it's going to get worse before it gets better because based on the state of the program and the timing of this change they're going to have a hell of a time finding a good coach - or any coach, really.  Other than beating the Gophers in State College, I don't know that they'll win a Big Ten game, and will be lucky to get to 10 wins total on the year.

-  So let's assume the Twins don't make some kind of big comeback and are clearly out of it as we get to the trade deadline.  Who could/should they trade?
  • Carl Pavano.  He may be very attractive to some teams because they'd get him for one and a half years - he's got another year after this one at a very affordable $8.5 million.  Not the top flight kind of arm that would put a team over the top, but he could help a team for a couple months down the stretch, and isn't part of the Twins' future.
  • Kevin Slowey.  He may end up getting moved anyway because he's looking like the odd man out, but he would be an attractive pick-up for a team since he's under team control until 2014.  Of course, that may be the biggest reason the Twins won't trade him.
  • Matt Capps.  He's making $7 million this year and definitely won't be resigned after this season, so he's almost a must trade once the Twins fall out of contention.  Someone desperate enough and foolish enough to be blinded by the "save" statistic to give up a mid-tier prospect (see last season.  Oof).
  • Joe Nathan.  His contract next year is either for $12.5 million or the Twins can buy him out at $2.5, so he's likely going to get bought out and I'd expect the Twins to try to re-sign him at a cheaper number.  Why not move him, let some other team buy him out, then resign?  Question is, would anybody want him?
  • Jason Kubel.  Lot's of decisions to be made in the outfield, and with Span entrenched and Revere and Benson the future there's probably only room for one, maybe two of Kubel, Cuddy, and Delmon in the future.  Kubel is the one I'd resign - he's a free agent after this year - but if his huge year so far continues he may price himself out of the Twins' range since they've sunk so much money into the two left-handed nancy boys.  Teams most valuable tradeable asset.
  • Michael Cuddyer.  Also a free agent after this season, I have a sneaking feeling that the Twins don't want to let him go because of all the "little things" like playing multiple positions, leadership, and other undefinable gritty gamerish qualities.  Plus if Cuddy goes, who's going to make sure they get quoted in every single media piece on the team?
  • Delmon Young.  The problem with trading Young is that I don't know how much value he actually has.  I'm curious as to what the perception around the league is, but personally I wouldn't trade much for him even if he still has another year under team control.  Personally I think if you find a buyer who is willing to give you anything you consider valuable, you do it.  And as I'm typing this he fouls a ball off his leg and reacts as if he's been shot.  Trade him.  Hate him.
  • Jim Thome.  There's no reason for him to be on this team if they aren't going to compete for a playoff spot, either for the team (taking ABs away from younger players) or for him (wasting his time going no where).  Lots of contending teams could use a big left-handed bat on their bench, although I would be pretty shocked to see him go the National League so you're trade options are kind of limited.  Still, he could fetch a decent price.
So there's your list.  Not counting all the little minor chips and bullpen depth and crap.  Hopefully whoever it is they end up trading they at least get some decent players back.  Yep, that's what I have left to look forward to.  Hurray.

-  I've decided to become a huge Iowa State fan next basketball season.  200-1 to win the whole thing.  Get on it.

-  Finally, I leave you with this.  I can't decide if it's awesome or super duper awesome.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

What's a Gatoroid? (Movie Blog)

Seriously, what is a Gatoroid?  I have no idea, but it's about to battle a Mega Python in this movie I'm about to watch appropriately named "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid."  Bonus:  this one stars both Debbie Gibson, star of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and Tiffany, star of Mega Piranha.  Oh joyful day!  Let's rock and roll.

-  One concern:  this movie was both written and directed by women.  Now don't get me wrong, I love the ladies - they really rev my engine, but should they really be involved in these kinds of movies?  These movies should be about bad science, bloody deaths, and gratuitous T & A, and women are only generally associated with bad science because their brains are smaller than men's.  I'm skeptical.  Plus I heard that their periods attract bears.

-  Oh, you probably want to know what was for dinner tonight.  Pork chops poached in a ketchup/worchestershire/chili powder/lemon/onion bath along with some spanish rice.  Nothing complicated, but very delicious.  Thanks for the recipe Grandma June.

-   We open - where else - in the Florida everglades, complete with swamp, fanboats, gators, snakes, cajun rednecks, and every other Florida cliche you can think of.  Great.

-  Apparently Debbie Gibson is the leader of a group that breaks into, what appears to be a cabin of some sort, and steals snakes from their cages.  If she really wants a snake I'd be happy to give her one.  It's in my pants.

-  Well they tripped an alarm but luckily she is such an incredible driver she was somehow able to maneuver her crappy jeep in a way that made the one cop car that responded to the alarm flip over and explode. 

-  Going back to Miz Writer and looking at her writing credits she's previously written Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (gonna have to rent this), #1 Cheerleader Camp, 18-year old Virgin, 2012 Doomsday, and Barely Legal.  I have no idea if those are any good, but the titles sound good.  Maybe we're going to be ok here.

-  So they took the snakes they stole and dumped them in the swamp.  No doubt that won't end up wrecking things.  By the way, guess who had Shackelford at both 12-1 to win and 5-1 to win, place, or show at the Preakness today?  If you could see me right now you would see that I'm doing a happy dance, waving my hands in the air while jumping from foot to foot.  It's pretty white, but it conveys my happiness well enough.

-  Debbie Gibson then will be playing the crazy animal lover, while Tiffany, who just showed up will be playing her arch enemy the sheriff with giant boobs.  Seriously, those things are massive.

-  God dammit some redneck cajun hippy just stole my "I'll show you a snake, it's in my pants" joke.  Assholes.

-  This redneck is played by Bob Vance.  Jarring.

-  Some 200 foot python or something ridiculous like that just killed the hell out of a big ole gator.  And Tiffani informs us that's the 72nd dead Gator, which means the pythons Debbie Gibson, who is supposed to be a scientist who cares about the environment and eco-system remember, released into the wild are now completely fucking up the swamp's ecosystem.  Nice, Debbie, nice.  So this is going to end up being animal lover touchy-feely chick with a great ass Debbie vs. shoot the animals and kill them don't fuck with my swamp chick with big boobs Tiffany.  Too close to call.  I just want to know when the gatoroid comes in.  And also what it is.

-  Tiffani's boyfriend runs over a snake in order to save Debbie who then gives me a big yelly speech about how these snakes shouldn't be killed because she "returned them back to their natural habitat where they belong."  But guess what?  Florida isn't a natural habitat for any pythons.  In fact, Florida is actually having problems with invasive python species wrecking the habitat right now.  Something Tiffany just mentioned.  So, in a bit of a surprise, this isn't an example of more poor science it's actually just that Debbie's character is super super dumb.  How odd.

-  Now one of the snakes just killed a people.  A people1!!!!!!!1  Damn you Debbie Gibson! [shaking fist].

-  Tiffany's plan to deal with the snakes is to issue snake hunting permits to a bunch of drunken cajun rednecks, including Bob Vance, with assault rifles.  What could possibly go wrong?

-  I'm not going to lie to you - this is the most boring movie ever.  We are 24 minutes in and we've had one person death which took less than 5 seconds.  Mainly it's been snakes killing dogs or gators or other various wildlife.  If I wanted to see that I'd just watch Nat Geo.

-  If you shoot a giant python egg does it explode in a shower of cascading blood?  According to this movie:  yes.

-  This assistant deputy in this movie looks just like my friend Leif, who looks just like Jesse McCartney.

-  Well hell.  The Snake just growled.  This is just like every single shark movie where the shark roars.  Why do shitty directors of shitty animal movies feel the need to add sound effects to the creatures?  They're menacing enough, and their silence is even part of it.  Did the shark roar in Jaws?  No, not until the fourth one, and everybody knows how shitty the fourth one was.  Freakin' morons.  I need to write one of these.

-  The snakes are at least killing people now, even if it's poorly CGI'd crap.  Even better, they decapitated a guy.  As in severed his head at the neck bone.  Constrictor snakes, which kill by - appropriately enough - by constricting their prey decapitated someone.  They could have the snakes grow arms and use a scimitar and it would be as realistic.  Not to mention that these snakes are suddenly showing a strong preference for human flesh which also makes just a ton of sense.  Seriously they're picking off these cajuns left and right.  Team Boobs is losing numbers rapidly.

-  This wine is terrible.

-  Here's what Debbie Gibson looks like now in case you were wondering

A better picture would be one from the back, but I can't find one so deal.

-  The snake went after Leif and Tiffany knifed it to death.  While knifing it a cell phone fell out of it's skin.  I don't get it either.  I'm just typing here, man, don't ask me to explain it.

-  I still don't understand what's going on with this "gatoroid" thing.  There's no gatoroid at all.  The only gators have been snake food so far.  They could have called this Mega Python and it would have been a much better name.  Or gone with "Two former teen pop stars who have been in Playboy looking for another check."  Or even "Tits vs. Ass."  Any of those would have been more accurate.

-  That is really not a regulation cop uniform Tiffany is wearing.  It looks like a sheriff outfit, but it's unbuttoned to the waist and she's got some low cut undershirt going on.  Not complaining, mind you, but it's definitely not regulation.

-  Team Ass is now installing cameras all throughout the everglades in order to watch everything Tiffany does and see if she "hurts their snakes."  Hopefully they make sure to get a camera in her shower.  "I think I'm alone now" indeed.

-  Here's Team Boobs' plan to deal with the snakes:  feed a bunch of super steroids to a bunch of gators to create super gators, or the titular "gatoroids", which of course will end up growing too big and too strong and turning on their creators.  I feel like the foresight of the characters in this flick is sorely lacking.  First Team Ass releases pythons into the wilds of the Florida Evergaldes in order to "return them to nature" not thinking through the consequences or releasing these top of the food chain predators into a new habitat that can't support them (come to think of it, there's not real Mega-Python here - but I'll guess it's coming).  Now they go with the classic "feed steroids to a gator" gambit, popularized by Ulysses S. Grant in aught eight, with no regard for the fact that even if it works and the gators kill all the pythons they still have a bunch of roided up gators to deal with.  This is what happens when you let women be in charge.

-  This picture comes up when you search for "steroids gator" in google:
I don't know who that is but it made me laugh.  Cheaters.

-  Tiffany's crying.  No I don't know what happened.  Stop asking stupid questions.

-  It's been one day and suddenly these gators are just monstrous.  One day.  And know we are getting a montage of gators growing, cells multiplying, snakes eating, other microscopic things happening that I'm guessing actually have nothing to do with what steroids would do to reptiles, and it's all set to the same song melody as "There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance."  I shit you not.  The summary here is that the gators are getting huge and aggressive because of the roids and the snakes are getting bigger and more aggressive because they are eating gator eggs that have been laid by roided out gators.  Again, it's been one day.

-  I stopped the movie for a minute to check in on the basketball game and now I'm wondering whatever happened to Josh Howard?  He was always a really underrated player until he became so underrated he was overrated, but he was always pretty good.  Let me look this up.  Ok, they traded him in a package of guys that netted them Brendan Haywood, Caron Butler, and DeShawn Stevenson.  And it looks like since he was traded he played 3 games for the Wizards in 2009-2010 and 18 games in 2010-2011 due to injury and massive pot usage.  Looks like Dallas dumped him at the right time even if the center piece of their return, Butler, has only played 56 games the last two years.

-  The everglades are now entirely populated with giant mega pythons and giant gatoroids, yet this crisis is being handled by a big-boobed washed up pop star ranger, my friend Leif, a female deputy who is like 100, Dr. Nick Rivera (or some other mexican doctor guy, but we'll go with Nick Rivera), and some hot chick.  Seems like they can handle this crisis.  And is there a really important fundraiser tonight?  They kind of fundraiser that will be highly attended?  Of course.

-  Giant gator just ate some chinese chick from team ass.  Probably gonna be hungry again in about an hour.

-  That was a terribly predictable joke.  But so's your face.

-  How the hell is there still an hour and 10 minutes of this left?  I'm probably going to have to kill myself.

-  This is totally going to shock you, but neither Tiffany nor Debbie is a very good actress.  Hard to believe I know.  Also hard to believe:  I'd totally have sex with either of them.  Sober.

-  Dr. Nick just saved Debbie from a 300-foot gator by picking her up in his helicopter which he apparently has.  He also saved her by grabbing her and flying away, leaving some jackass who was with her to get eaten by that gator.  I'd claim he was irresponsible and a bad doctor, but I would have done the same thing.  Easier to sleep with her that way.  Get her all emotionally vulnerable rather than having some cockblocking jackass in the helicopter with you and your target.  It's really pick-up artist 101.

-  I like how rednecks always have dynamite with them to blow a snake to bits even after they've been eaten by said snake.  Classic Hollywood.

-  Oh my god those boobs.  Oh my god.  Also I am pretty sure that one dude from the Monkeys just showed up in this movie.  With an actual monkey.  I can't decide if this is totally lame or totally awesomely self-aware.  Probably the first.

-  Guess what I just ordered from a used DVD broker?  Red Water, Shark Swarm, Grizzly Rage, Blue Demon, and Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.  You're god damn right I did.  I can't wait to watch Red Water again.  Kristy Swanson?  Lou Diamond Phillips?  Coolio?  The only movie ever about a bull shark?  Fuck yeah.

-  And the fundraiser must go on.  Just like Jaws and every single giant creature movie since then.  So cliched.  I think the next one of these movies should be called Mega Shark vs. Giant Boobs.  Tiffany stars.

-  No, you have a one track mind.

-  Dr. Nick keeps finding and blowing up giant nests of giant gator eggs.  Once again, it's been one day.

-  They just referred to Dr. Nick as "that Indian doctor."  Now I feel racist.  More so than usual, I mean.

-  Naturally Debbie Gibson is invited to the big fundraiser.  Every time they show her from behind all I can think is I wonder if her father was a baker, because that's a nice set of buns.

-  If you're getting the impression that this movie was written basically as a showcase for Tiffany's boobs and Debbie's ass you're completely accurate.  And yes, I'm complaining.  I want the showcase to be giant animals killing people who are stupid with a side dish of T & A.  Not the main point to be T & A.

-  That's a lie.  I would be very happy if the whole point of the movie was T & A.  Just not Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.  I mean, the nostalgia factor on these two is great, and although I applaud their efforts with my penis it's really kind of meh.  More killing please.

-  Oh my god I take it all back.  Debbie Gibson/Tiffany cat fight.  CAT FIGHT!  Wrestling.  Grabbing.  Groping.  Slapping.  Hair-pulling.  I need a minute.

-  I bet they made out after that in one of their trailers.  Also this movie just lost all credibility.  And yes, going from a 1 to a 0 still means you lost all credibility.

-  Oh my god now their in the water and Debbie Gibson is wearing a white dress.  I feel like I'm 15 again.

-  Well apparently the snakes and gators have teamed up.  That makes total sense.  Jesus this is really stupid.

-  Every time Debbie Gibson throws a punch (yes, they're still fighting) she then has to pull up the top of her dress.  Seriously, Debbie, you already let those puppies free in a magazine, just do it again for this movie.  It's like the same thing.  Prude.

-  Debbie "I think we're alone now."  Tiffany "There doesn't seem to be anyone around."  No lie.  Credibility now -1.  I'm actually pretty pissed at this move.  Despite my love of Tiffany's boobs and Debbie's Ass and Tiffany's boobs this is really freaking stupid.  Instead of making a monster movie with former popstars this is a former popstars movie with a few creatures in it.  When did monster movies stop being about the monsters?  Fucking sell-outs.

-  Fun fact:  if you shoot a 60-foot gator in the mouth it immediately dies.  Less fun fact:  this movie makes me want to stab my brain with a rusty pitchfork.

-  Shocking shocker of shocking writing:  Tiffany and Debbie have now teamed up to kill the rogue monster reptiles.  In a telling moment of female behavior everywhere, neither has apologized or even acknowledged their role in this mess.  Next thing you know they'll be blaming the men and then telling them to take out the trash.  Is this post misogynistic enough for you?  Jesus I feel like

-  If you could switch lives with anyone in the world, how many people would you pick over Justin Timberlake?  Can't be many.  And, understanding the whole natural draw of sports to the readers of this blog, what about non-sports people?  He has to be #1.  Handsome, talented, funny, hot, incredible dancer, great singer, sexy as hell, adorable, charismatic, and just the kind of guy who even though you know he's humping everything in town you still want him to date your daughter.  Just perfect.

-  Oh my god there's a movie coming out with Timberlake and Mila Kunis.  World's most perfect couple and my dream threesome (not counting Evan Longoria).  And yes, to answer your question we are watching Saturday Night Live now.  Thanks for asking.

-  Well, I got a boner.

-  Well now the girls (Tiff and Debbie) won't stop talking.  First realistic thing in this whole movie.

-  The gators and snakes, by the way, have now moved into the city and are migrating to Miami according to Dr. Nick.  Why are they on their way to Miami?  I don't have a clue.  Either they didn't explain it or I wasn't paying attention.  Maybe both.  Also I should mention that all the reptiles are now the size of a house due to the steroids in their systems.  It's been one day.

-  Too bad Bonds didn't take this brand of steroid.  His whole body would swell up like Ken Griffey Jr.'s head after too much of Burns's nerve tonic.

-  The aurora borealis?  At this time of year?  At this time of day?  In this part of the country?  Localized entirely in your kitchen?

-  Snake just ate the Goodyear blimp.  So yeah.  That should do it.

-  New plan.  Use "pheremones - first we've heard of these - to lure the reptiles all to "the quarry" and then blow them up with dynamite.  God this movie is stupid.  And now these broads are screaming because soem old lady deputy became snake lunch.  And they're shrill and hurty.  I thought they were singers.  Shouldn't their screams not make my head break?

-  They have a grand total of 3 bundles of dynamite.  I'm no demolitions expert, but it seems to me that you'd want more to blow up a whole shit ton of snakes and gators that are now the size of Rhode Island. 

-  So in the Everglades snakes and gators are natural enemies who can't stop killing each other.  In the city, however, they're buddies who team up to eat buildings.  This movie can go to hell.

-  I just remembered I have beef jerky in the kitchen.  Score!

-  Commercial just came on for adamandeve.com.  I just want to warn you that if you ever order anything from them be prepared to get like three emails and a day every day for the rest of your life.  And if you aren't familiar with them you probably shouldn't go visit that site from your work computer.  Or go ahead and do it, I don't really care.

-  Debbie was just putting dynamite in the cave with the gator eggs when they began to hatch.  Then the mommy gator came in through the front door so she's trapped between the mom and the kids with no where to go and a with only a handgun to protect her.  She managed to not get eaten though by hiding behind a rock.  Go to hell, movie.

-  Serious question:  what do you think Delmon Young's IQ is?  Like, I think both Denard Span and Alexi Casilla are stupid ballplayers, but they don't strike me as guys who would be particularly dumb in real life.  Delmon, on the other hand?  90 tops, but it wouldn't shock me if he came in slightly under 80.

-  Tiffany just blew up that gator that was menacing Debbie by turning her car into a rolling molotav cocktail and jumping out as it got to the gator and then the car exploded as soon as it touched the gator for some reason.  I don't know.  I don't ask questions.  On a related note, Tiffany is wearing black underwear.

-  Wow, Tiffany got eaten by a gator.  Definitely didn't see that coming.

-  Dr. Nick and Ms. Gibson blew up all the animals.  Well, except for the one snake that just ate the crap out of Debbie Gibson.  So I guess Dr. Nick is the hero here.  Just like most Simpsons episodes, whether he appears in them or not.

-  Movie over.  Here's what I learned:  Tiffany has ridiculous boobs, snakes and gators are natural enemies in the swamp but friends in the city, SyFy is getting even worse with the movies they're churning out, and I'm a complete idiot for watching this crap.

Then again, who's dumber:  me for watching, or you for actually reading this?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Oh Come On!

Obviously even the most casual and rational sports fan knows the NBA Lottery is occasionally rigged - Ewing to the Knicks, Webber (Penny) to the Magic, Duncan to the Spurs, and LeBron to the Cavs are all pretty obvious examples - but I've never seen a more obvious case of rigging than tonight.  I mean really?  In a draft with one of the most obvious number one picks in recent memory the Cleveland Cavaliers snagged the #1 pick, moving up from the 8th spot (a pick they acquired from the Clippers), just one year after their previous savior, franchise identity, city identity, and generally Mr. Cleveland personified ripped the city's heart out in the most public and humiliating way possible.

I mean come on.  It's hard to feel too pissed because what LeBron did was a legitimate cold blooded move that brought the city to it's knees, not to mention Cleveland is such a moribund sports town that they could use some good fortune, but what the hell about us?  The Gophers suck at everything and the one time they were good was only because they were cheating so badly that it's still the scandal against which all academic fraud is measured.  The Vikings cycle in high/low spurts where the highs culminate in pure heartbreak.  The Wolves haven't had a winning season since 1957.  The Twins, the tough little engine that could until it ran into a big bad engine in the playoffs every year, have finally run out of gas and are sliding back down the hill into a canyon of doom.  And the Wild, well, I don't actually know anything about them because hockey is for douchebags.

Sure, the Wolves got the #2 pick, which normally would be great.  However this is a 1-player draft, even if I like Derrick Williams.  Just like when they had the #3 pick in a two-player draft and were stuck with Laettner, or the #4 in a 3-player draft and got Donyell Marshall, or the #3 in a two-player draft and took OJ Mayo (ok that one worked out with the Love trade).  Like I said I like Derrick Williams and think he'll be a solid pro, borderline all-star, and a good pick, but he's just non-consensus enough that the Wolves could end up talking themselves into some foreign dork or Tweener McGee (Kawhi Leonard).  This just opens the door, again, for a chronically mismanaged franchise to get mismanaged again.  Honest to god, if they ever wanted to contract a couple of teams in the NBA can you come up with a single possible argument against getting rid of the Wolves?  I sure as hell can't.

God I hate sports.  Even our one great shining hope year after year is now dead, with the Twins sucking worse than your mom.  I don't even know where it ends.  1998 NFC Championship game.  41-donut.  Swept by the Yankees every year.  Final Four berth stripped.  Monson.  McHale.  Brewster.  David Ortiz winning a championship.  Kevin Garnett winning a championship.  Randy Moss breaking every receiving record with the Patriots.  The Joe Smith debacle.  Isaiah Junior J.R. Jay Rider.  Sex boat.  Favre throwing across his body.  The Randy Moss trade.  Marty Cordova.  The Johan Santana trade.  Troy Williamson.  Ndudi Ebi.  Marbury forcing his way out and killing the future.  Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau's constant injuries.  Olowokandi and the taser.  Gopher basketball players fleeing the program.  The mismanagement of Rico Tucker.  Malik Sealy.  Gopher basketball rapists.  Gopher football rapists.    Darko's contract.  Baseball from 1993-2000.  Gopher basketball since 2000.  Gopher football since the 40s.  Latrell Sprewell and feeding his family.  Sid Hartman.  Patrick Reusse.  Paul Allen.  Jeff Dubay.  Alexi Casilla.

I am sure I could go on, but after Casilla I just can't do it anymore.  I was planning on writing more but what's the point.  I think I'm going to start watching SyFy movies again.  They don't break my heart.  As much.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Week in Review - 05/16/2011

Seriously you guys, I am an awesome chef.  Not that tonight's meal was particularly difficult (steaks for the guys, turkey burgers for the broads all on the grill plus a romaine salad) but it's the attention to detail that's the important thing.  Steaks and turkey burgers were all perfectly cooked and perfectly seasoned, and although the salad was just romaine, cucumbers, carrots, and edamame, but rather than just lazily slicing the veggies the cukes were peeled, sliced, and quartered and the carrots were shaved, not to mention how I boiled and shelled the edamame.  Now that's a salad.

But really, I've mastered the grill and can cook anything to near perfection.  I can make a great garlic lemon butter for fish and have an absolutely killer dry rub for chicken wings.  I took my dad's ole reliable beef stew recipe and, using nothing more than various spices in my cabinet and a little celery revitalized it to the point where my mom was basically begging me to take home the leftovers.  Chili?  Please.  I've got three different recipes that are all great (a tomato-based one, a beef broth based one, and a simple one that can be made in under an hour).  The last time I made pork chops I was begged for the brand name of the seasoning I used (hint:  I made it myself.  Holla.)  I'm basically bulletproof (except for homemade fries on the grill.  I can season them to perfection but I can't make them crispy.  If anybody can help please e-mail or leave your tip in the comment section).

So in other words, I just had a great meal and am possibly a little drunk.  Let's type some words.


1.  Joey Votto.  Votto always makes me mad because a year or two ago it looked like both leagues would have a monster hitting first baseman from Canada - Votto for the NL, Morneau in the AL.  Only now our version has turned into a chicken-legged little girl with noodle arms, a scrambled brain, and a comprised immune system while Votto has continued to build upon his MVP campaign from last year.  He's in the top 5 in basically everything in the NL, he's hitting .350 and leads the league in walks, and has the Reds in first in the NL Central - helped by a couple of walk-off hits Votto put up this week.  He also reached base in each of the first 33 games of the year, and hasn't hit an infield pop-up since 2009 (no joke, that's for real).  Meanwhile our Canadian is at the point where hitting the ball of the wall is a major accomplishment.  Gross.  This is like trying to book a Canadian music act and hoping for Rush but getting stuck with Bryan Adams.  Yes, Rush is awesome.  If you don't think so you probably think Nickelback is awesome too.  Actually now that I think about it I think Nickelback is Canadian.  I should have just used them instead of Bryan Adams in that analogy.  Oh well, too late.  To sum up; Awesome:  Rush, Joey Votto.  Girls:  Adams, Nickelback, Morneau.

2.  Jose Bautista.  It's not often I admit I'm wrong (mostly because I rarely actually am) but I was way off on Bautista.  I thought we had a bit of a Brady Anderson situation on our hands last year, but this season Bautista hasn't slowed down as evidenced by his three bombs he hit earlier today against your precious Twins squad (although to be fair hitting them against Duensing and Slowey isn't exactly Spahn and Sain).  Actually during the broadcast I heard Dick or Bert mention that since September of 2009 Bautista has hit more home runs than any other player in the league with 77 and the next closest was in the 50s.  Since Dick or Bert said it I'm going to assume it's probably not accurate, but the point remains - somebody fixed something in this guys swing and he went from Gary Gaetti to Eddie Matthews (no relation to Cory).  I don't think he's going to continue to slug .868 because that's just not possible (right?), but he's become the best hitter in baseball.  For your reference, his sixteen home runs are more than Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, Cuddy, Kubel, Thome, Delmononucleosis, Valencia, and Denard Span combined.  Sick.

3.  Russell Westbrook.  Since we're talking about things I was wrong about why not go ahead and throw Russell Westbrook out there since he basically completely dominated the Grizzlies (along with Kevin Durant of course, which doesn't hurt).  I thought his questionable outside shot and so-so ball handling at just 6-3 meant he'd be a tweener his entire career.  Maybe he's still a bit of a tweener but it doesn't matter because he's also unguardable.  It apparently doesn't matter that he'd still lose a game of HORSE to Ralph Samspon because he can do things like score 40 in game 3 and drop a triple-double in game 7.  Seriously if you were starting a franchise today who would you take over him?  James, Wade, Howard, Durant, Rose, and that's it.  That's the whole list.  It's like you don't really realize how good he is, possibly because he's actually in the shadow of his own teammate, but Westbrook is the real deal.  Russell, not Lawrence. 

4.  Carlos Boozer.  What the hell Boozer?  For most of the playoffs the easiest bet possible was to take the under on Boozer.  It'd usually be something like 15 points, 10 rebounds, or 25 combined and it was always easy money.  Now all of a sudden in the last two games he's been an absolute dynamo who can suddenly and inexplicably can any jumper he tosses up.  In game 6 vs. Atlanta he scored 23 (on 10-16 shooting), just his second 20 point game since April 2, and then had what looked like an ok game in the opener vs. Chicago (14 pts, 9 rebs) but I swear he scored every single time the Bulls needed a bucket.  Plus the guy can't shoot for shit yet hit 50% of his jumpers.  Or maybe he can shoot, what the hell do I know?  I only watch the NBA in the playoffs, I'm not a psycho.    

5.  Zach Britton.  When your team sucks and you have no hope you need one of two things to keep your fans interested:  a superstar or a young dude who could become a superstar (which, incidentally, is why the Twins' season is going to be boring until Gibson gets the call).  Luckily for the terrible for years Orioles it looks like they might have finally found a new great hope (since Wieters turned out to be more Drew Butera than Johnny Bench) in Britton.  After his nine inning 3-hit/no-run performance against Tampa this week (in which he didn't get the win because the O's offense can give the Twins a run for their anti-money) he ranks 7th in the AL in ERA (2.42) and ninth in WHIP (1.02) and has been the starting pitcher in six of the Orioles' wins (out of 18 total).  Dude's looking like he's going to live up to the hype.  Hope must be a pretty sweet thing to have.  I wouldn't know.  And I'm not just talking about sports, I'm talking about life.  My tears taste like steak tonight.


1.  Ron Gardenhire.  I've never made it a secret that I think Gardy is a terrible game manager (and why would I because that should be obvious to even the weird old ladies who watch the Twins), but in particular two things he is seemingly addicted to have been absolutely driving me crazy this year:  the early inning sac bunt and the late game pinch run.  I can sort of give him a pass on the early inning bunting just because this team is so awful and struggles to score so much that maybe getting a runner on first with nobody out is actually a major accomplishment.  I can't, however, excuse the late game pinch running.  An example would be Saturday's game, where Justin Morneau doubled with 1 out in a tie game in the ninth and was immediately pulled for Alexi Casilla, meaning that one of the only decent bats on this team (despite what I wrote above) was replaced with a faster version of Nick Punto.  How often does that pinch runner even matter?  What percentage of possible at-bat outcomes would result in a score by Casilla and not a score by Morneau?  How often would Casilla do something stupid like getting picked off?  You eliminate an important batter (IN A TIE FREAKING GAME) for, at-best, a marginal uptick in your odds to score.  Just so stupid.  Of course it didn't matter in this case since the bullpen decided getting batters out was for fags, but the point stands.  Retarded move.

2.  Rajon Rondo.  Rondo was basically the key guy if Boston was going to beat the Heat.  The big 3 of Boston aren't as good as Miami's 3 guys (and every nickname I've ever heard for these guys is terrible - Moheatos?  Heatles?  Please) but could at least hang tight.  Rondo's matchups, on the other hand, were very Celtic-favorable because let's face it Bibby is about as mobile as Luka Mirkovich at this point and Mario Chalmers is Mario Chalmers.  Unfortunately for Boston Rondo never bothered to show up.  I know he was hurt for games 4 and 5 and that's rough but it doesn't excuse the missed lay-ups or somehow continually losing Chalmers on defense.  And I really think that if Rondo doesn't figure out how to make a jump shot he's got a limited shelf life.  Although I'm already baffled at his success despite having Jeff Hagen type range.  Whatever.  I don't like 'em.  He looks like Momaw Nadon. 

3.  Alex Gordon.  Raise your hand if you thought Alex Gordon's hot start meant that after four disappointing years full of up and downs between Kansas City and AAA Omaha everything suddenly clicked.  Ok, now if you're currently raised your hand what I'd like you to do:  take your other hand and make a little puppet out of it to distract you, and then use the hand you have raised in the air and grab the nearest gardening tool you can find and stab your face.  Honest to god, this guy is awful and he can't even field to make up for it.  Just in case you're still on his jock here are his stats this week:  0-4 with 2 Ks vs. Freddy Garcia.  0-1 as a pinch hitter.  1-5 with 2 ks against Ivan Nova.  1-4 with 2 ks against Justin Verlander.  1-4 with a K vs. Brad Penny.  Seriously.  Outside of Verlander that is a shitbox group of pitchers and yet he managed to get almost no hits while striking out almost constantly.  Yes, I think he finally gets it.  I'm shocked Dawger and Bogart haven't picked this guy up yet.

4.  Jon Lester.  Sigh.  Why do so many players upon whose bandwagon I thrust myself upon end up letting me down?  And I don't even like the Red Sox....hate 'em, in fact and all their obnoxious fans with their stupid accents and overuse of the word wicked and the pink mafia that constantly invades Fenway Park.  But that's  not the point.  The point is that for some reason Lester has decided that getting people out is super overrated.  I might be overreacting a bit because it's not like he's been awful - he'd pretty clearly be the best pitcher on the Twins (of course, I think whoever the ace of the St. Paul Saints is might take that honor as well) but he's just not taking that next step I've been waiting for.  Everybody I love let's me down.  Hear that, kids?  You're my last hope for happiness.

5.  Miami Heat.  Oy.  That's it?  That's all you can do against Chicago?  Sorry Heat, but that was pretty freaking pathetic.  I would write more but I'm tired and fuck the Heat.  Dwyane Wade, despite one of the most egregious misspellings of our generation, is one of my favorite players in the entire world.  Lebron and Bosh?  Whores.  Weak, sissified whores.  And despite Lebron's very stellar performance at the close of the Celtics series he still hasn't shown he can be a big time player.  He can defer to Wade all day long, because it's pretty clear who the Alpha is here.       

Be honest.  You googled Momaw Nadon, didn't you?  And then you laughed.

Finally, I just want to mention that this will now be the official video of DWG for when something awesome happens.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm a terrible blogger

I was going to live blog the game tonight but I got really bored and quit because I had nothing interesting to say and now it's 10:00pm and I'm drunk and tired and angry and need to go to bed.  I just wanted to apologize to you people and say I will do my best to step up my game. 

But seriously, have you watched this team?  They're terrible.  And terrible teams are hard to write about.  Unless you want to know who sucks.  But at this point it's not even fun to point out how bad some of these guys are.  Look at tonight's lineup:  Matt Tolbert (hitting second), Rene Tosoni, Luke Hughes, and Drew Butera are all involved.  Those guys suck.  And everybody knows they suck.  Management knows they suck.  They know they suck.  Suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked, indeed.  It's not really fun to point that out.  I might as well start a blog about how mushrooms are disgusting and anybody who eats them probably needs to be interred in a concentration camp, and I don't really want to do that.

I guess we could talk about Morneau.  As in - what the fuck is up with this dude.  Do you think it's still a problem from when he whacked his head?  Do you think he sometimes gets really drunk and drives out to his old high school baseball field with a shotgun and shoots his old trophies?  While crying?  Yeah probably.  I'd say he should have stuck with hockey but how many crosschecks do you think it would take to send him to la-la land?  Kind of like the wise old owl and the tootsie pop, no?

Well  I missed this but apparently Rene Tosoni hit a home run tonight.  Amazing considering Porcello threw about four balls over the plate.  Honest to god Porcello vs. Delmon Young would be the ultimate game of chicken.  Kind of like Rebel Without a Cause but instead of the quintessential representation of American cool you get a shitty guy with a rag arm and a cross between a tree trunk and a largemouth bass.  With a rag arm.

Do you want to make money?  Here's what you do:  take no run in the first (both teams) in every Twins game.  Take the Twins team total under (usually 3.5 or 4 when it should be 2 or 2.5), and do whatever Snacks says about playoff NBA player props.  The no run in the first is money, the Twins team under is money, and Snacks is killing it so far this postseason.  He's going to be pissed that I mentioned it because he's going to think he's jinxed now (the same reason he hasn't shared his picks with Bogart - for shame).  But he's so good, he can bust through the jinx.  Do it.

Good god Christina Aguilera plumped up.  I mean, I'd still do all kinds of illegal stuff to and on her, but - and this comes from someone who is ok with a little extra junk in the trunk - it wouldn't exactly kill her to mix in a salad or some veggies.  Not mushrooms though.  Gross.

I've tried everything I can to break gambling down mathematically and it turns out I fucking suck.  I've never been so depressed.  Would it be weird if my suicide note was just "I couldn't figure out a mathematical system to beat baseball player props"?

I'm not entirely certain that's the proper placement for that question mark.

You know what pisses me right the fuck off?  Crap.  I got distracted and then when I came back to type again that previous sentence was sitting there staring at me and I can't remember where I was going with this.  Well that's embarrassing.

Wife just told me "I officially hate Blake Shelton."  I have no idea who that is.

Year-to-date - Wilson Ramos:  .301/.358/.466, 6 doubles, 2 home runs.  Christ, even Jose Morales would be a massive upgrade at .231/.323/.308.  I just.  I just can't understand why you'd completely hamstrimg yourselves when your starting catcher is a a delicate little flower and you know damn well that he is.  I'm fine with Butera as your back-up.  Hell I love the little guy as a back-up because I want my back-up catcher to be a defensive whiz and there's no doubt Butera fits that bill.  But I want him my major league back-up knowing there's somebody who can actually hit the ball in AAA I can call up if my starter gets hurt.  Trading both Ramos and Morales was lunacy.  Just lunacy.  It's something Dawger would do. 

Note:  Dawger and Bogart split a fantasy baseball team in the same league Snake and I have a team in.  They're 0-5.  hahahahahahahahahhahahaahahahaaha.

Well I certainly wasn't expected this to turn into an actual post.  Way to go booze.  You haven't let me down yet, except for all those times when you did.

Shoutout to Kate J. for a nice care package.  I don't know that Buffalo Wing flavored sunflower seeds will work, but the idea is beyond solid and worth a shot.  Also Jaws 2 trading cards?  Yes please.  My only critiscism is how could you include Growing Pains trading cards and not at least have a Boner card?  Weak.

Speaking of Jaws have I told you guys about the sweet dream I had the other night?  I was drinking beer and smoking cigarettes while watching a brand new Jaws movie and getting a handjob from Mila Kunis.  Best.  Dream.  Ever.  Only thing missing was buffalo wings (specifically either spicy garlic wings from BWW or cajun wings from anywhere that realizes cajun spice doesn't just mean salt), but no complaints.  Honestly I was a little pissed when I woke up.  I did that thing where you immediately try to fall back asleep to get back into your dream.  Didn't work.

I don't think I'm writing about sports anymore. 

Have I ever told you guys that Brian Butch's agent keeps trying to get me take this picture off my blog:
And the best part is that his agent emails me from a gmail address.  Nothing says professionalism like using a gmail address.  As a blogger I don't bother spend the $9 dollars a year to use a @downwithgoldy.com email address because who gives a fuck.  But If I'm representing a professional (??) athlete (??) for hundreds (??) of dollars a year I'm giving up the lunch at Panera and at least trying to look like I'm a pro.  That way peon bloggers like me might at least spend a minute or two contemplating dumping the image.  Or just give me money.  I'm pretty sure I've shown multiple times that if you give me money you can have a link in a post, a link in the link list, or even your own post if you just pay me money.  I'm a whore and I'm proud.  I'm like Cleopatra.

I feel like this is similar to the old shit I used to do when I used to travel a lot for work.  You know, back when this blog was good (or less bad).  Hopefully this post doesn't suck or it might be the end of the beginning of the end.  Oh who am I kidding.  I'm done.  In multiple ways.  But not done with Brian Butch pictures!  Ha ha, crossdresser!  I win!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Week in Review - 05.09.2011

I was all set to write up something about Ralph Sampson staying in the draft, Tubby Smith sabotaging Gopher basketball, and idiotic decisions, but I've now see some tweets that indicate he may have pulled out at the last minute (unlike his dad) so I'll save that speculation for later in the week when something more concrete comes out.


1.  Justin Verlander.  Remember when I picked Verlander to win the AL Cy Young?  I'm pretty sure that his no-hitter on Saturday proves that I was right.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking he only struck out four guys and I just recently downplayed Liriano's no-hitter for a lack of domination so how can I praise this one?  Well first off Francisco Liriano fucking sucks while Verlander is a god of pitching.  Second, Verlander only walked one dude and threw about 70% of his pitches for strikes while Liriano treated the strike zone as if it was .  Thirdly, did you watch the game?  Justy Just completely dominated fools.  The Blue Jays only hit two balls remotely well and really after about two batters you knew Verlander had a shot at doing it.  Just so good.  So dominating.  I swear every time I watch him pitch he makes me hate the Twins and every time Leyland let's him pitch his 125th pitch of the game I hate Gardy.  I hate everything.

2.  Vancouver Grizzlies.  Gotta admit out of all the surprising things in the sporting world, including VCU  making the final four and Alexi Casilla once getting a hit, Vancouver's playoff run thus far is way up there.  Of course a big part of that shock is because I had no idea Vancouver was in the playoffs until like Game Three of the first round, but they're gettin' it done now.  Knocking off the #1 seeded Spurs was surprising, but not as surprising as the semi-dominant fashion in which they did it (and my favorite part was watching Zach Randolph kick the crap out of that old man whiny bitch Tim Duncan.  Honestly the guy would send back soup at a deli)  Now they're up 2-1 on Oklahoma City after stealing game 3 with a furious second half comeback and surprisingly dominant performance in overtime.  With the Lakers getting bounced and the Grizz up, it's suddenly not ridiculous to think Memphis might end up making the finals.  Read that again.  Now set your own face on fire because Memphis is a title contender while the T-Wolves should just be contracted.

3.  Cliff Lee.  Clifford is always fun to watch pitch, but you never know which version you're going to get.  There's the don't-walk anybody, let the batter hit your pitch right where you want it version, and then there's the don't walk anybody, strike everybody out version.  Both are dominant in different ways, and both are fun to watch.  However, more accurately the version where he just strikes everybody the hell out is way more fun and that's the version that showed up this weekend to throw against the Braves and strike out 16 guys.  Of course the bad news is that he gave up 9 hits and 3 runs and they lost which may make some people wonder why I'd give him credit for being awesome.  Those people should just shut their big fat faces.

4.  Dirk Nowitzki.  God I love watching this guy.  He's too slow to be devastating, but he can shoot the lights out, he's six foot thirteen, and he knows how to use his body to create open shots.  I don't know if I love that slow motion spin and fade better or if I prefer the weird, awkward step back fadeaway that looks more like something that a dude who had never played basketball before would do, but it's impossible to stop and I'm pretty sure he shoots like 90% with that one.  He's just unstoppable and sweet.  And the best part is, as Bill Simmons laid out in a recent column, once he gets to the point where he can't carry a team anymore he's going to have a role as a more deadly version of Sam Perkins.  Probably with the same amount of pot though.  

5.  Andre Ethier.  Yes his 30-game hit streak came to an end over the weekend but it should still be recognized because a 30-game hit streak is really pretty remarkable.  More importantly have you seen this guy?  You look at his adonis like looks and his hair, realize he's a multi-millionaire who plays baseball and lives in Los Angeles, and I'm assuming he's basically beating gorgeous girls off with a stick.  His list of conquests must be epic.  Of course, it's tough to beat Derek Jeter who has gone out with Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Adriana Lima, Jordana Brewster, and Minka Kelly.  Then again, while I assume Ethier is a tender and considerate lover you know Jeter is just using these chicks - using them to cover up that he's a raging homosexual, I mean.


1.  Los Angeles Lakers.  Wow, talk about a gutless performance.  Not only did the defending two-time champs - and defending two-time champs with nearly the same entire squad back - get bounced in round 2 but they got swept.  And not only did the get swept but they got ugly swept, losing the first two games at home and then getting run by 30 in the deciding game four.  No other word for it but pathetic.  The Lakers might be the most talented team, especially in the West, but it was clear they weren't 100% engaged in round 1 and they couldn't just flip the switch when they suddenly ran into a better than we thought Dallas team.  And that, in a nutshell, is the biggest reason Kobe will never be the next Michael Jordan.  Other than a very good game 1 (36 pts) Kobe basically was completely disinterested and finished the series with averages well below his season averages for the series in literally every category.  What a douchebag.  By the way, a rapist, a homophobe, and a black guy walk into a bar.  Everybody there was like, "Hey Kobe."

2.  Kentucky Derby.  Not so much for the race, because watching Animal Kingdom shoot from the middle to the front for the win was actually pretty exciting, but it was just kind of meh.  There was no great horse in this field and no great stories so there was no good lead-ups, so much so that most of the Kentucky Derby rubes I know said this was the least interesting derby in years.  Even the whole Calvin Borel, winner of three of the last four derbys, angle was lame because he ended up sitting on a horse that everybody knew was a shitbox.  Didn't help that I didn't win money (although I know Bogart was on Animal Kingdom so congrats there).  I hit a bunch of the mid-range horses and with Mrs. W's pick (Stay Thirsty) and Wonderbaby's first ever pick (Soldat) I basically had everybody covered as long as a long shot (other than Santiva) or the favorite didn't win.  Then this freaking dirtbag horse who has never even raced on dirt before and whose regular rider was out with an injury (yep, an injury to a jockey.  WTF has never seemed more appropriate) goes out and wins.  Least satisfying Derby ever.  And Animal Kingdom has no shot at even contending for the triple crown.  None.  Lame.  Gay.  Stupid.

3.  Brandon Lyon.  Can anyone explain to me why this dingleberry keeps getting closing jobs?  He's fucking terrible, which he proved once again this week by trying to close a game against the Reds, a game in which he dudes he faced went walk-single-single-single-double and suddenly a 2-0 lead was a 3-2 loss - a game that would have been rookie Aneury Rodriguez's first career W.  Although I don't know why anybody would be surprised since Lyon has sucked every year.  He sucked with the Diamonbacks, sucked with the Tigers after they gave him a nice 1-year deal and then said thanks but no thanks, and has sucked with Houston the last two years (after their inexplicable 3-year/$15 mil contract) and leads the league in blown saves this year.  Not since Ambirorix Burgos has a worse player been given the ball to close games.  Except maybe Matt Capps.

4.  Carl Pavano.  Hey, do you guys remember when there was all that talk about signing Pavano long-term, and everybody was like damn dude, you gotta be careful with this one because his margin for error is razor thin and at his advancing age things could fall apart in a big ole hurry?  Well I'm not saying he's done done, but there are some ominous signs.  And I'm not even talking about the really obvious stuff like getting slapped all over the yard in consecutive games by the Royals and Red Sox (2 games combined:  10 innings, 22 hits, 13 runs).  No, the scary part here is in those two outings Pavano tallied as many strikeouts as hits Joe Mauer's had since April 12th - a big fat zero.  Now, Pavano's never been a big time K pitcher but he's generally been around 5-7 per 9 ips.  Last year he set a career low at 4.8, and this year he's been even lower at 4.1 (before today's game).  That' a terrible sign.  Am I saying he's going to be terrible the rest of this year and probably end up waived before we even get to year 2 of his contract?  Yes.  Yes I am.

5.  Justin Morneau.  Sigh.  No doubt you are aware he's been bad this year, but do you know just how bad he was this week?  He hit .105 (2-19 and obviously no extra base hits).  Guess how many of his teammates had a worse average for the week?  Nobody.  At all.  Butera hit .143.  Casilla hit .125.  Repko, Tolbert, and Revere all beat him.  Unfortunately he's cooling off (if that was even possible) right as Cuddy, Span, and Valencia are starting to remember how to hit and the team just added the shortstop of the future in Trevor Plouffe, who probably deserves a spot in the WHO WAS AWESOME section but I forgot about him until just now.  This team can't win without Morneau's bat.  I mean, they can't really win with it either, but at least with him going they have a chance, however small.  Maybe somebody needs to just smack him in the head with a tire iron and joggle everything back the way it was before.  I'll volunteer.

In conclusion the Lakers suck are a punch of punks led by King Punk Kobe.  Although I have to give him credit for not being the biggest little bitch on the team in this series.  That honor would to to Andrew Bynum who pulled this move at the end of the shellacking the Mavs put on them to cap off the sweep:

I'm not even sure what my favorite part is, but I can narrow it to five parts:

1.  Steve Blake not really trying to get through a screen while guarding Barea.
2.  Ron Artest making zero effort to help out on said screen or when Barea starts to drive.
3.  Shannon Brown's "help defense" which consisted of a half-assed swipe at the ball.
4.  The biggest guy on the court (Bynum) completely destroying the littlest one while he's defenseless (but in Bynum's defense he was the only one who played any kind of defense on that play).
5.  And, of course Bynum taking off his jersey for some reason.

Basically just class personified right there.  In summation, fuck you Lakers!  I couldn't be happier.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Frankie says Relax

You guys probably didn't hear about this at all, but Francisco Liriano pitched a no-hitter last night, which is awesome and a lot of fun to watch.  But what some people, particularly those who didn't watch and just like to talk about it on the radio, are missing is that this was one of the more underwhelming no-hitters ever thrown.  Not this year, I mean ever.

He struck out only two batters, just the 13th no hitter ever and first since 1980 with two or fewer whiffs.  He also walked 6, just the 22nd time a pitcher threw a no-ho and walked that many and his two strikeouts were the fewest out of that group.  He also threw just 66 strikes out of his 123 pitches.  I checked all starters from that night and his 54% strike rate was better than just Ryan Vogelsong's 51% - the same Ryan Vogelsong who was making his second start since 2006.

In other words, he did the same crap he always does.  Nibble nibble nibble and drive me and every pitching coach in the world bonkers, but this time it worked to perfection because the White Sox (sans Konerko) are a bunch of sissy nancy-boys who swing the bat with their little noodle arms and most of the time they make contact the speed with which the ball comes off the bat wouldn't break a spider's web.  I mean, it worked.  It did, he pitched a great game, and I'm thrilled for him.  I enjoyed the hell out of watching the end, and actually clapped my hands once and said "YES!" out when he got the last out, and coming from a reserved fan like me that's a pretty big reaction. 

I just want people to settle down a bit.  This doesn't mean Liriano is back to form or is on the cusp - again - of becoming an ace pitcher.  Don't forget that the lineup he no-hit is the same group that only managed four hits off the infinitely hittable Nick Blackburn.  So enjoy it, but don't expect him to suddenly "get it."  Sorry to rain on your stupid parade.

I was going to write more, but I just saw that Ice Cube is now doing Coors Light commercials.  Jesus Christ.

Monday, May 2, 2011

How bad are the freaking Twins?

Holy crap you guys, how bad are the Twins? I think we've gone beyond slow start at this point and have officially reached "gunning for the top pick in the lottery" status. I mean, what's been remotely promising so far? They can't hit or pitch, and they're making up for it by running the bases like a bunch of third-graders and fielding like absolute garbage, not to mention everybody who gets hurt needs an ambulance to carry them to the DL for half the season. Twins' baseball used to mean pitchers who threw strikes, fielders who made plays, and just enough offense supplemented by rarely making mistakes on either side of the ball. Now it means getting swept by the Royals.

Granted injuries have left them a bit short handed at times, but it's hard to just chalk up this many hurt players to bad-luck or the training staff - pretty sure it's a big ole contagious case of pussy-itis started by Morneau last year which has now affected half the roster. A week off for the flu? A couple of weeks for sore ribs and the flu, including pulling yourself from the starting lineup because "you can't get loose?" Several months (or more) off because of sore legs? It's baffling, but it fits their candy-soft mentality.

Worse, the players that do play can't hit. Jason Kubel's resurgence closer to his 2009 form after a sub-par 2010 is literally the only positive thing you can say about any position player:

Denard Span seems to have settled into a career role of "completely average lead-off who erases half of the good things he does by being really really fucking stupid running the bases." The problem is who could take over for him? Nobody on this team can handle center field (including Span), and the most likely candidates on the current roster are Jason Repko, a career back-up, and Rene Tosoni, who looks like a smaller, and possibly dumber, Lew Ford. I'm afraid we're stuck with Span until Revere is ready (and I wouldn't mind Denard in LF).

The middle infield is a complete mess, with someone too slow to play first playing at second and two subpar defensive second basemen alternating at shortstop. At least Cuddy can occasionally mash one - neither Tolbert or Casilla is anywhere near a major league quality hitter. (as mentioned here, combined they are the third-worst hitting middle infield since 1980). To make it even worse, Casilla might be the worst fielding shortstop in the league (and gives Span some competition for dumbest player), and the only the reason it isn't clearly him is because Tolbert gives him a run for his money.

The corner infielders should be ok, but Morneau can't seem to figure this whole "baseball" thing out. His power is basically completely gone along with both his patience and his aggressiveness, which sounds like it doesn't make sense but it does. Not only is he swinging at too many pitches (decreased patience) he's also swinging more like a slap-hitter and making contact more often, but poor contact (decreased aggressiveness). Basically he's a complete mess out there, and his drop of Tolbert's throw in that disastrous eight inning against the Royals over the weekend was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. I'm not worried about Valencia, at least. His numbers aren't great but if you did into the nerd stats (I'll spare you) he looks like he's just been unlucky and should be ok.

Catcher, geez, where to begin. Either Butera or Holm would make a fine back-up. Lots of teams carry a very good defensive catcher who can't really hit so no big deal. But when you hamstring yourself so severely by trading your two major-league ready back-ups in Jose Morales and Wilson Ramos, this is the situation you create when your dandy of a starter gets hurt for the one hundredth time. I get they thought they needed Capps and had to give Ramos to get him, but why then trade Morales? Mauer is a huge injury risk and they know this, so why guarantee having a guy back there who can't outhit most pitchers? Just a stupid, short-sighted move. Probably the most irritating thing of the entire season.

I don't even know where to being with the pitching. Basically all the starters have decided to stop throwing strikes because when they do throw strikes they're just getting crushed all over the yard. The only two starters with numbers that don't look like they should be an auto-trip to Rochester or the waiver wire are Duensing and Baker, and nerd stats tell us that Duensing is the only one who can remotely even hope to have keep it up.

We all know Blackburn sucks, and Pavano is Pavano and will giveth and taketh away, but this regression by Liriano from promising to disaster could very well be the logo for this season. He's been absolutely dreadful, and he's taken his always maddening approach of nibbling around the corners of the plate to a whole new level. Unfortunately for him, however, the scouting report is out and nobody's chasing. He's tripled his walks from last year, and with him being behind in basically every count to every batter they're pulverizing the ball when he finally puts it in the strike zone. He's already a third of the way to last year's walk total and half way to last year's home run total, all while allowing nearly two baserunners per inning. And sadly, there's no reason at all to think this is going to get better.

Then, if by some miracle, a starter does put together a nice outing there's nobody in the bullpen who bothers getting people out other than Glen Perkins, and if you believe he's suddenly become a good pitcher then go ahead and email me your home address so I can drive over and hit you in the face with a hammer. Joe Nathan is obviously broken, Jose Mijares has seemingly completely lost sight of the strike zone, and the rest of the guys (Hoey, Hughes, Burnett, Manship) are exactly as advertised - terrible and probably don't belong on a big-league roster. Hughes is particularly troubling because he sucked with the Royals yet the Twins jettisoned the promising Rob Delaney to make room for him, and he's suck even worse since joining the team.

That leaves Matt Capps, a competent closer, but the kind of player people who overrate the save stat love and people who love nerd stats underrate a bit. He's serviceable and can get outs but is always a candidate to get completely throttled because his stuff is underwhelming and if he isn't razor sharp with location he's very hittable. All that means he is a thoroughly mediocre bullpen arm, which also he means he's very clearly the Twins' top reliever.

Where does that all leave the team? A terrible hitting team that ranks last in the AL in runs scored, batting average, slugging percentage, and OPS (and second to last in OBP). A terrible pitching team that ranks dead last in the AL in ERA, opponents' batting average, and strikeouts. A terrible fielding team with a corner outfielder playing second, a couple of poor second basemen playing shortstop, a left fielder in center, and DHs playing corner outfield. A team with the worst run differential in baseball (outscored by 64 runs this year - more than 2 per game) and the worst record in the game.

Maybe things will turn around when (if) everyone gets back from injury. Maybe those who are struggling will get it figured out. I don't know. What I do know is that no team in history has every made the playoffs after a start this poor. I also know that I totally made that up because I don't actually know where to find that information, but it sounds like it's probably correct, doesn't it?

Seriously, this sucks. I don't know how to handle a summer without meaningful Twins baseball. I may just need to adopt a new team. I think I'm a Royal fan. They at least have hope for the future.