Monday, August 18, 2008
So I'm still drinking and the wife is still drinking and the baby is sleeping and somehow we're watching Jaws 4, which is, without question, the worst movie of all-time.
Now, I've mentioned both Jumper and Rudy as being possibly the worst movie ever, but that was just schtick. I mean, they're both top ten worst movies ever, but they aren't on the level of this piece of dirty dog poop.
Jaws is a classic. Possibly a top 5 movie of all-time, that still resonates. It invented the concept of the summer blockbuster. It influenced an entire population's behavior (ocean swimming) and still does today. Shark Week on Discovery probaby doesn't exist without this movie. It's a time tested kick ass movie that I can watch any time it's on, much to Mrs. W's chagrin.
Jaws 2 was a solid follow-up. Same basic cast, or at least same hero, and a decent, realisticish story. Well done. It's not Empire Strikes Back or Godfather 2, but it's a very good sequel, and another movie I can pretty much watch anytime it's on.
Jaws 3 took a bit of a bad turn, but solid casting from Lea Thompson, Dennis Quaid, and Lou Gossett, Jr. really helped. It takes a bit of a turn, changing the shark from a straight up realistic great white into a megaladon sized fantastical beast, and the story is a bit weak, but it's ok.
Then here comes this abortion of a film. Brought to you, live blog style. Whatup.
- Starts off ok. Same music as the rest, which is a clear shame and probably gives John Williams nightmares if he's even still alive. We get the same Mrs. Brody as always. Mr. Brody is dead, naturally Roy Schneider wouldn't deign to appear in this crapfest. And we get a nice ode to the pageant scene from part 2 with some Christmas Carols and pretty much the same cinematography style. If I didn't already know better, I'd think this looked good so far.
- So then, suddenly, Shark bites Shawn Brody (the youngest son)'s arm off. Randomly. Because he's trying to pull something off a buoy, even though there's no real reason why a shark would attack here. Oh, except Revenge. Because this whole movie is based on the entirely realistic premise that a shark would be out for revenge because some members of it's shark family were killed by Brodys. You know how Great Whites always hold a grudge. Even though they, you know, eat their own young and everything. Oh, and Shawn's dead now. Or maybe it's Sean.
- Now the dude from The Last Starfighter shows up, and apparently he's now Mike, who used to be played by Dennis Quaid who was too busy filming the Big Easy. Good move. That guy from the Last Starfighter should be ashamed.
- Turns out this was picked as one of the four worst sequels of all-time, along with the Phantom Menace (technically a prequel), Speed II, and Batman & Robin. This is pretty much by far the worst.
- Oh, and I forgot to mention that when that dude got his arm bit off, there was no blood. And his reaction was like, "Oh snap. There goes my arm. This is broke. Oh, and halp and what not." And then the Shark jumped up and grabbed him off the boat to eat him further. For Revenge.
- Mrs. Brody is all sad because sharks ruined her life. And that's pretty much the only thing that makes sense in this whole movie.
- Jesus Christ these St. Jude commercials are brutal. Just take my money already. HOLY CRAP it's Michael Caine. Wow, what a huge mistake. Also he is NOT the dude from Cocktail. That's some other guy who is like, Michael Caine light.
- Mrs. W just tried to take my beer when there was still at least 2 ounces in there. Looks like somebody is due for a tumble down the stairs. WATCH OUT FOR THAT DOOR KNOB!
- I have no idea how to play beer pong with actual paddles.
- Michael Phelps is the Babe Ruth of the Olympics. Alain Bernard is Home Run Baker.
- It's been hours I swear and no shark. Just Mario Van Peebles in dreadlocks with a bad accent.
- Ok, so I don't actually have a facebook thing because I don't understand it really because I'm old and also not gay (usually), but I have an account on there to screw around and I somehow found a group called "Spencer Tollackson Sucks Chode on a Daily Basis" and of course, I joined. it's funny.
- Van Peebles has a brutal Jamaican accent in this crapfest. So thick and bad you can't understand a damn word he is saying. Although, I guess that makes it pretty realistic. Nevermind. Bravo, Van Peebles! Viva la Jamaica! Usain Bolt! Reefer! Rasta!
- Ooh, Shark sighting. It attacked Michael Brody's boat. Just started eating the side of the boat while he was watching. And somehow there was suddenly blood in the water, so like, the boat bled or something. And the mom was at a carnival with Michael Caine, and suddenly stopped like that psychic in the Dead Zone because somehow she just knew her son's boat was being attacked. Nevermind that there was no reason a shark would attack that boat or even be around it. No chumming, no bait, not even fishing at all - no reason whatsoever the shark would attack. Oh, right. Revenge. I forgot. How silly of me.
- Uh oh. It's naughty time.
- Now they're playing craps. Man I miss Vegas. And I'll never get to go ever again. Stupid baby. I'll have to shoot for Turtle Lake at some point I guess. Sad.
- Michael Caine just kissed Mrs. Brody. Chief would be pissed. The son and Van Peebles are chumming now. They also have two anonymous black crew members on the boat. Gee, I wonder who will die first. Poor guys. Not only are they black, but they didn't even bother giving them names. They never had a chance.
- Nice homage to the original here, with Mike's daughter copying everything he does while they're sitting at the table, just like he did to the chief in the original. That was actually well done. Too bad the rest of this movie is dog piss.
- You know what the opposite of this movie is? Just Friends. That's hilarious. Not as funny as this commercial for ShamWow that just came on, but pretty hilarious.
- Oh noes! The shark is attacking Alex Rogan in his little underwater personal submarine thing! Death Blossom! Death Blossom! Whew, he escaped. Grig will be so relieved, but guess what? The shark roared. That's right, it roared. Like a lion. Underwater. For revenge.
- No, seriously, it roared.
- Oh oh, Alex Rogan's daughter is getting on one of those banana boat things being pulled by a speedboat. What do you want to bet it gets attacked by RevengeShark?
- Ha! Told ya.
- As Mrs. Brody tries to sacrifice herself to the shark god tokatikimechalachahiney-ho, I'm reminded once again how eye blisteringly awful these special effects are in this movie. The shark looks like a miniature toy they filmed up close, and for some reason is constantly leaving the water. Hey, where do most shark attacks take place? In mid-air, according to this movie.
- The Shark just ate a plane. Seriously. I mean, Michael Caine was in it or whatever, but still. It ate the plane. For revenge.
- Uh oh, now it ate Mario Van Rastaman. Guess how? It jumped in the air and roared and grabbed him off the boat. I know that the documentary Air Jaws showed that great whites will propel themselves out of water to hit seals on top of the water, but come on. Everybody this shark kills it flies out of the water to get. Oh, and I guess Michael Caine is still alive. I don't know what's going on anymore.
- So apparently there's some new technology now where if you let off a strobe light in the ocean, if there's a hellbent on revenge great white shark out there it will raise up in the ocean and expose it's soft, vulnerable underbelly. And roar. It roars too.
- Here's how this movie ends: after doing that strobe thing causing the shark to roar over and over again, they ram it in the soft underbelly with the front of the boat upon which is some sort of spear pointy thing. But get this, when they ram the shark in it's soft underbelly it explodes. IT EXPLODES! Like a freaking car crash. Like must have been one gassy-ass shark. I guess rastafarians are like chili.
- Speaking of car crashes, if you are in a car crash that causes multiple lanes to close on a major freeway between 7-9am on a weekday you should be arrested. I'm not even close to kidding.
- And speaking of rastafarians, Mario Van Peebles apparently didn't die even though the shark flew through the air like Peter Pan to grab him and almost sawed him in half. That means none of the main characters died. The total body count in this movie I think was 2. The brother at the beginning and the broad on the banana boat. Two. Two people died, none of them main characters. The shark roared. They made up weird technology that doesn't make sense. The shark exploded when impaled. Mrs. Brody quite severely overacted. This movie was more pathetic than my life.