How bad are the freaking Twins?

Holy crap you guys, how bad are the Twins? I think we've gone beyond slow start at this point and have officially reached "gunning for the top pick in the lottery" status. I mean, what's been remotely promising so far? They can't hit or pitch, and they're making up for it by running the bases like a bunch of third-graders and fielding like absolute garbage, not to mention everybody who gets hurt needs an ambulance to carry them to the DL for half the season. Twins' baseball used to mean pitchers who threw strikes, fielders who made plays, and just enough offense supplemented by rarely making mistakes on either side of the ball. Now it means getting swept by the Royals.

Granted injuries have left them a bit short handed at times, but it's hard to just chalk up this many hurt players to bad-luck or the training staff - pretty sure it's a big ole contagious case of pussy-itis started by Morneau last year which has now affected half the roster. A week off for the flu? A couple of weeks for sore ribs and the flu, including pulling yourself from the starting lineup because "you can't get loose?" Several months (or more) off because of sore legs? It's baffling, but it fits their candy-soft mentality.

Worse, the players that do play can't hit. Jason Kubel's resurgence closer to his 2009 form after a sub-par 2010 is literally the only positive thing you can say about any position player:

Denard Span seems to have settled into a career role of "completely average lead-off who erases half of the good things he does by being really really fucking stupid running the bases." The problem is who could take over for him? Nobody on this team can handle center field (including Span), and the most likely candidates on the current roster are Jason Repko, a career back-up, and Rene Tosoni, who looks like a smaller, and possibly dumber, Lew Ford. I'm afraid we're stuck with Span until Revere is ready (and I wouldn't mind Denard in LF).

The middle infield is a complete mess, with someone too slow to play first playing at second and two subpar defensive second basemen alternating at shortstop. At least Cuddy can occasionally mash one - neither Tolbert or Casilla is anywhere near a major league quality hitter. (as mentioned here, combined they are the third-worst hitting middle infield since 1980). To make it even worse, Casilla might be the worst fielding shortstop in the league (and gives Span some competition for dumbest player), and the only the reason it isn't clearly him is because Tolbert gives him a run for his money.

The corner infielders should be ok, but Morneau can't seem to figure this whole "baseball" thing out. His power is basically completely gone along with both his patience and his aggressiveness, which sounds like it doesn't make sense but it does. Not only is he swinging at too many pitches (decreased patience) he's also swinging more like a slap-hitter and making contact more often, but poor contact (decreased aggressiveness). Basically he's a complete mess out there, and his drop of Tolbert's throw in that disastrous eight inning against the Royals over the weekend was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. I'm not worried about Valencia, at least. His numbers aren't great but if you did into the nerd stats (I'll spare you) he looks like he's just been unlucky and should be ok.

Catcher, geez, where to begin. Either Butera or Holm would make a fine back-up. Lots of teams carry a very good defensive catcher who can't really hit so no big deal. But when you hamstring yourself so severely by trading your two major-league ready back-ups in Jose Morales and Wilson Ramos, this is the situation you create when your dandy of a starter gets hurt for the one hundredth time. I get they thought they needed Capps and had to give Ramos to get him, but why then trade Morales? Mauer is a huge injury risk and they know this, so why guarantee having a guy back there who can't outhit most pitchers? Just a stupid, short-sighted move. Probably the most irritating thing of the entire season.

I don't even know where to being with the pitching. Basically all the starters have decided to stop throwing strikes because when they do throw strikes they're just getting crushed all over the yard. The only two starters with numbers that don't look like they should be an auto-trip to Rochester or the waiver wire are Duensing and Baker, and nerd stats tell us that Duensing is the only one who can remotely even hope to have keep it up.

We all know Blackburn sucks, and Pavano is Pavano and will giveth and taketh away, but this regression by Liriano from promising to disaster could very well be the logo for this season. He's been absolutely dreadful, and he's taken his always maddening approach of nibbling around the corners of the plate to a whole new level. Unfortunately for him, however, the scouting report is out and nobody's chasing. He's tripled his walks from last year, and with him being behind in basically every count to every batter they're pulverizing the ball when he finally puts it in the strike zone. He's already a third of the way to last year's walk total and half way to last year's home run total, all while allowing nearly two baserunners per inning. And sadly, there's no reason at all to think this is going to get better.

Then, if by some miracle, a starter does put together a nice outing there's nobody in the bullpen who bothers getting people out other than Glen Perkins, and if you believe he's suddenly become a good pitcher then go ahead and email me your home address so I can drive over and hit you in the face with a hammer. Joe Nathan is obviously broken, Jose Mijares has seemingly completely lost sight of the strike zone, and the rest of the guys (Hoey, Hughes, Burnett, Manship) are exactly as advertised - terrible and probably don't belong on a big-league roster. Hughes is particularly troubling because he sucked with the Royals yet the Twins jettisoned the promising Rob Delaney to make room for him, and he's suck even worse since joining the team.

That leaves Matt Capps, a competent closer, but the kind of player people who overrate the save stat love and people who love nerd stats underrate a bit. He's serviceable and can get outs but is always a candidate to get completely throttled because his stuff is underwhelming and if he isn't razor sharp with location he's very hittable. All that means he is a thoroughly mediocre bullpen arm, which also he means he's very clearly the Twins' top reliever.

Where does that all leave the team? A terrible hitting team that ranks last in the AL in runs scored, batting average, slugging percentage, and OPS (and second to last in OBP). A terrible pitching team that ranks dead last in the AL in ERA, opponents' batting average, and strikeouts. A terrible fielding team with a corner outfielder playing second, a couple of poor second basemen playing shortstop, a left fielder in center, and DHs playing corner outfield. A team with the worst run differential in baseball (outscored by 64 runs this year - more than 2 per game) and the worst record in the game.

Maybe things will turn around when (if) everyone gets back from injury. Maybe those who are struggling will get it figured out. I don't know. What I do know is that no team in history has every made the playoffs after a start this poor. I also know that I totally made that up because I don't actually know where to find that information, but it sounds like it's probably correct, doesn't it?

Seriously, this sucks. I don't know how to handle a summer without meaningful Twins baseball. I may just need to adopt a new team. I think I'm a Royal fan. They at least have hope for the future.

Thursday Things

Random thoughts on a Thursday evening, as I sit here with a couple of Coors Light tallboys.  No, I'm not abandoning your precious 6 things format, but I can't sit here just married to it, night after night.  I'm sorry I'm not like you and can't just have the same thing over and over, night after night.  Some of us need a little variety.  A little newness.  So settle down.

By the way, I have Friday off.  Do you? 

SUCKA MC!!

-  I'm sitting here watching Alexi Casilla flail away haplessly at yet another pitch, it strikes me that this Casilla/Tolbert combo must be one of the absolute worst offensive double-play combos of all time.  So let's play around with baseball-reference.

Casilla's career OPS+ is 68.  Tolbert's is 72.  According to BR, there have been 134 seasons where a player had an OPS+ of 72 or less while playing 2b 75% of the time and acquiring 500 plate appearances, and using those same parameters we come up with 238 shortstops.  The question is, did any of those 2b's play with an of those SS's, or, if they hit at their career averages, do the Twins have the worst offensive double play combination in history?

I'll save you some suspense.  I found 16 teams where the SS and 2B both had an OPS+ of 72 or worse, so the Casilla/Tolbert combination is only one of the 16 worst in history - not THE worst.  BUT.  14 of those come from pre-1980 teams.  Back when nobody even gave a crap if your middle infield could even hit the ball out of the infield as long as they could field their position well.  Since 1980, only two teams (2003 Dodgers with Alex Cora (67) and Cesar Izturis (60) and the 2007 Giants with Ray Durham (64) and Omar Vizquel (60)) had a worse hitting middle infield than the Twins.  So yes, in case anybody asks you can feel comfortable telling them this Twins combo is the third worst since 1980.  Comforting.

-  Speaking of shitty baseball players I'm really sick of Austin Jackson, who is on my fantasy team.  The guy has zero plate discipline and apparently almost zero ability to actually make contact when he swings.  Now I'm not against strikeouts per se, despite their being fascist, but when you have a player who strikes out a ton you expect to get a little bit of power along with it.  Not so with Mr. Jackson, who struck out 170 times last year while countering with just four home runs (and this year he's at 24 to 1).  Bizarre, right?  Let's check Mr. Baseball-Reference again.

Prior to Jackson last year, the fewest home runs hit by a player with 170 strikeouts or more was 13 by Jose Hernandez in 2003.  Next fewest was Mark Bellhorn with 17 in 2004, then Curtis Granderson's 19 in 2006.  The fewest home runs by a player with 160 strikeouts was Mickey Tettleton with 15 in 1990.  150 strikeouts was Delino DeShields with 10 in 1991.  In fact, the most strikeouts by a player with 4 or less home runs was Michael Bourn, who struck out 140 times with just 3 home runs in 2009.  Simply put, Jackson is about to become the world's greatest strikeout artist with no power, because he's going to pretty much repeat last season's numbers.  Only 8 players have ever hit five or less home runs while striking out at least 125 times, including that illustrious firecracker Vince Coleman, and only Gary Pettis has done it twice.  Can Jackson match the feat of Gary George Pettis?  It's exciting, isn't it?

-  I'm pretty sure if there's a heaven, at least one of the main rivers is made up of Buffalo Wild Wing's Spicy Garlic sauce.  Not their version of the Nile or the Amazon or the Mississippi, because those are probably reserved for booze, but maybe like the Congo or the Mekong.

-  Former Twin Kyle Lohse pitched a hell of a game today, specifically a 2-hit shutout.  I was going to write more about it but really who the hell cares?  He's a completely average pitcher who occasionally has moments of brilliance, like today, just like he was 10 years ago or whatever on the Twins and just like ten million other pitchers in the major leagues.  God he's so boring.  He's like the pitcher version of a MASH episode.

-  Jesus christ is Parks and Recreation funny.  Community is awfully good too, but there's nothing better than Parks and Rec right now.  It's knock it out of the park funny every time.  I think the five funniest characters in tv history are Ron Swanson, April Ludgate, Tom Haverford, Rob Lowe's character, and Bill Haverchuck.  Four of them are from Parks and Rec.  And Andy Dwyer is a runner-up, and we haven't even gotten to comedic genius Amy Poehler yet.  Really, if you're not watching this show you're a god damn idiot.

- How does Chris Bosh only get 6 rebounds in 41 minutes?  Both Wade and LeBron grabbed more rebounds than him, when really his biggest role on that team should be "rebound getter guy."  Ugh.  He's so lame.

-  ohmygodohmygodohmygod you guys I am so freaking excited right now.  Mrs. W just showed me a video (settle down, pervs) of a movie coming out this summer from SyFy called Swamp Shark about, well, a shark in a swamp.  It stars D.B. "shoeless joe" Sweeney and Kristy "hotter than fire or at least I used to be" Swanson (who was also in Red Water which I desperately want to blog but is apparently never ever ever replayed on tv even though it had Coolio as an evil mastermind in it) which is simply an awesome pairing of two awesome people.  I don't know if I could come up with a better male and female lead for a crappy SyFy shark movie.  I'm like Jessie Spano on caffeine pills right now.  Here's the trailer but I want to warn you - you're going to end up with a boner.



Also I think we should all think of Kristy Swanson like this:

And pay no attention to any pictures of her from the last few years because hey, sometimes life gets in the way of being hot.  I'm sure she'll bring her A game for Swamp Shark.  I mean, she'd have to in order to beat out all the other actresses who were no doubt clamoring for that role.

-  So I came up with this formula to calculate how likely a player is to get a hit in any given at-bat against a pitcher and using that info can calculate games where a  player is particularly unlikely to get a hit and then wager on such, usually at a 2-to-1 payout or so if they don't.  I have to tell you it's nerve-wracking, especially when some dickhole (F you Melky Cabrera and Dan Uggla) is hitless all game and then gets one in the ninth.  Like right now I just watched a relatively meaningless Ryan Howard at-bat, but because I have him to get NO hit at +170 I was riveted, even though it's the 4th inning.  It's good, and it's bad.

-  Speaking of gambling, here are my season futures this year:

• Jayson Werth OVER 21.5 home runs
• Joakim Soria OVER 34.5 saves
• Mark Reynolds OVER 30.5 home runs
• Nelson Cruz OVER 27.5 home runs
• Jayson Heyward UNDER 23.5 home runs
• Adam Dunn OVER 35.5 home runs
• Ryan Zimmerman OVER 26.5 home runs
• Carlos Pena OVER 27.5 home runs
• Jose Bautista OVER 29.5 home runs
• Shin Soo Choo OVER 156.5 hits
• Justin Verlander OVER 15.5 wins
• Joe Mauer OVER 164.5 hits
• Ichiro OVER 197.5 hits
• Josh Johnson OVER 13.5 wins
• David Price OVER 15.5 wins
• Clayton Kershaw OVER 13.5 wins
• Clay Buchholz OVER 14.5 wins
• Troy Tulowitzki OVER 28.5 home runs
• Phillies UNDER 96.5 wins
• Marlins OVER 82.5 wins
• Red Sox UNDER 96.5 wins
• Cubs OVER 82.5 wins
• A's OVER 83.5 wins
• Orioles UNDER 77.5 wins

What?  No, YOU have a problem.

-  Oh crap I guess I should mention something here about Colton Iverson transferring to Colorado State.  So here, "Colton Iverson is transferring to Colorado State."  I can't think of anything else to write.  I'd rather have him here than there, but if you were to ask me if I care I'm not entirely sure I could even muster a "meh."  Maybe just a "m".  

-  I know Christina Aguilera has put on some weight lately, but I have to be honest with you - all the reports of her becoming a total drunk mess have me bumping her up in my rankings, extra weight or not.

-  You know what's a great snack mix?  Corn nuts and soy nuts.  Outstanding.  Throw some sunflower seeds in there and you have a little bit of heaven.

-  Finally, I started reading Sid Hartman's latest column on startribune.com, and I just can't resist.  Let's break this down a little bit, Sid's writings in bold.

The Vikings seem to have a strong interest in securing a veteran quarterback once the NFL lockout ends.

I'm not entirely certain, but the fact that the QBs on the roster are Joe Webb, Patrick Ramsey, and Rhett Bomar make it seem like they may need somebody else

It also might be possible the Vikings and Redskins have had some conversations about a deal for 34-year-old quarterback Donovan McNabb, who definitely won't be a member of his current team once play resumes.

I'm definitely not saying anything with any certainty but possibly maybe it could be in the realm of existence that the Vikings have talked to the Redskins about Donovan McNabb.  I think I read that somewhere.

Of course, no deals can be made while the lockout is in progress, but I don't know if there is any rule against the clubs talking about making a deal.

I don't know if there are any rules against it, and this paper for some reason has a strict policy against looking things up or even asking someone who might know the answer.  Of course, to do either of those things I'd have to figure out this computating machine or the communication device on my desk.

One reason why McNabb might be the veteran quarterback the team will sign is because Vikings coach Leslie Frazier is personally familiar with McNabb. Frazier was a defensive assistant with the Eagles from 1999 to 2002, when McNabb was in his prime.

Way back in 2002, back when the Patriots were a Super Bowl underdog, the New Jersey Nets made the NBA Finals, the Indiana Hoosiers made the Final Four, and Mike Tyson still held a championship belt.  But I'm assuming with Frazier being on board, McNabb should be about the same player he was back then.

Last season, Shanahan's first year as the Redskins coach, McNabb played in 13 games, completed 275 of 472 passes for 3,377 yards, a 58.3 completion percentage and an average of 7.2 yards per attempt. He threw for 14 touchdowns, 15 interceptions and a 77.1 passer rating.

AAAh numbers!  What are you, some kind of nerd?  Sports aren't played by computers or numbers or stats, they're played by people.  And Donovan McNabb is a people.

The big problem might be McNabb's contract, which calls for the Redskins to pick up McNabb's $10 million option if he is on the Redskins' 53-man roster the day after the first regular-season game. McNabb's base salary for the 2011 season, if it is played, is reported to be $2.5 million, but jumps to $12.75 million in 2012.

My head hurts.

I'm sure the Vikings would not deal for McNabb unless they could redo his contract. They are not going to pay that kind of money to a 34-year-old quarterback who is at the tail end of his career.

Sounds like a dare.

ESPN correspondent Adam Schefter wrote on Twitter on Saturday that he "believes McNabb would like to play for the Vikings" next year.

What's twitter?  Is that on the computationalator?

No doubt the plan is to sign a veteran quarterback, draft another and try to develop Joe Webb into the future starter.

What happened to all this "I'm not entirely certain" talk?  Now we've moved to no doubt?

Jerry Kill continues to coach the Gophers football team without a contract. Apparently University of Minnesota lawyers and Kill's agent can't agree on some of the clauses in the contract.

And I absolutely refuse to expound on this further.  I know stuff and you don't.  Neener neener neener.

Basketball coach Tubby Smith's lawyers still are trying to reach an agreement on an extension. Baseball coach John Anderson, who won the Big Ten title a year ago and advanced to the NCAA tournament, is operating on his old contract without any new negotiations taking place.

This is the part where I don't know where I am and forgot what I'm supposed to be writing about.  Since I just re-read the thing about the Gopher football coach, I'm just going to mention the only other two Gopher coaches whose names I remember.

Former Twins shortstop Orlando Cabrera is one of the big reasons for the Cleveland Indians' early success and first-place standing in the American League Central entering Wednesday's games. The 36-year-old is hitting .262, and his 11 RBI is second on the team. He's also hit two home runs this season after hitting five in all of 2009 for the Twins and four for Cincinnati last year. 

He's hitting .257, has walked all of twice in 72 plate appearances, and outside of those two precious home runs has one extra base hit.  His OPS+ of 86 actually says he's been a significantly below average hitter this year, equivalent to what Michael Cuddyer has done for the Twins so far this year (pre-tonight's home run).  But keep clinging to those 11 RBI, which are more a product of hitting behind Travis Hafner, Carlos Santana, and Michael Brantley - all of whom can't stop getting on base.  And how dare he hit more home runs for Cleveland than for the Twins.  He'll never work in this town again.

... Jon Rauch, who the Twins declined to keep after the 2010 season and instead signed a $3.5 million deal with Toronto, is 1-1 with a 2.35 ERA and three saves for the Blue Jays.

He also has a 5/4 strikeout-to-walk ratio and an insanely lucky BABIP.  He sucks.  And is lucky.

Another pair of relievers the Twins let go last winter are doing well with their new teams. Jesse Crain has been fantastic for the Chicago White Sox, posting an 0-1 record and a 1.93 ERA in 9 1/3 innings pitched, with 11 strikeouts and only two walks. 

And has been a huge part of two bullpen meltdowns that lead to Sox's losses.

Former Twins utility player Nick Punto appeared in his first game of the season for the St. Louis Cardinals on Wednesday, taking a walk as a pinch hitter in the sixth inning. Punto had been on the disabled list because of a sports hernia.

A real tough-guy, hard-nosed, gritty, hustley, gamer injury probably suffered by sliding into first base.

 ... J.J. Hardy, who was hurt a great deal in his one season with the Twins last year, has been placed on the 15-day disabled list by the Baltimore Orioles because of a muscle strain. Hardy was off to a somewhat slow start for the Orioles, hitting .200 (3-for-15) through six games, but all three hits were doubles.

Not a gamer.  Pussy.

Random Thoughts while watching the Twins

I once again have the opportunity to watch an entire Twins game with sound, and once again am going to take advantage while blogging whilst watching.  I won't be doing a live blog, since those seem to always end up boring lately and it's hard to get excited about the Mariners, but I'm sure some game or announcer related things will sneak in here.  I don't know.  I don't know if there's time.  I gotta go to Home Depot later.

-  First, it seems pitching a perfect game has become easier than your sister after a couple glasses of Boone's Farm.  On the heels of Dallas Braden and Roy Halladay's perfectos, Armando Galarraga pitched 8 and 2/3 perfect innings before having it broken up by an infield it, and according the radio the guy was only safe thanks to a bad call by the umpire (I haven't seen the replay, but I'll assume the umpire was probably racist).  And the list of guys with perfect games is so weird.  Out of the 20 perfect games, you have some that don't surprise you.  The Hall of Famers:  Sandy Koufax, Cy Young, Addie Joss, Jim Bunning, and Catfish Hunter and soon to be Hall of Famers:  Randy Johnson and Roy Halladay (if he can keep it up).  Then there are guys with electric stuff you don't really surprise you:  David Cone, Dennis Martinez, and even Mike Witt - the fact that they were unhittable for one day isn't a huge shock.

But then the rest of these guys.  Throw out Charlie Robertson because I've never heard of him and the two guys who did it in 1880 because the rules were all kinds of fucked up then, but Len Barker?  He only won double-digit games twice and never posted an ERA under 4.80.  Don Larsen?  You would never had heard of him if he didn't toss that perfect game in the World Series.  He never won more than 11 games in a season, and spent most of his career as a reliever.

The weirdest part is the sheer amount of soft-tossing lefties who achieved perfection:  David Wells, Tom Browning, Dallas Braden, Kenny Rogers, and Mark Buehrle.  That's as many nancy-boy southpaws who have done it as Hall of Famers.  It's just so weird.  I'm not taking anything away from the achievement, any way you look at it, it's still only been accomplished 20 times, but the list is mind-boggling.  Apparently Brian Duensing is more likely to toss a perfecto than Felix Hernandez.  So weird.

-  I just saw the replay.  That was a bad call.  I was also just reminded that Griffey Junior announced his retirement today.  Man was that guy good.  And since I am pretty sure he was never using anything performance enhancing (other than Mr. Burns' Nerve Tonic, which is not on the banned list) I can't help but wonder what would have happened if he had gone on the Barry Bonds diet. 

Griffey played until about 30 years old before he started getting injured all the frickin' time.  At that point, he had hit 438 home runs with a batting line of .296/.380/.568, giving him an OPS+ of 147 in 7,319 plate appearances.  At age 30, Bonds had hit 292 homers with a line of .286/.398/.541 for an OPS+ of 158 in 6,038 plate appearances.  Pretty close to equal.  So let's say Griffey stays mostly healthy and got as many at-bats as Bonds after age 30, and hit home runs at his same pace.  He would have ended up with 831 career HRs.  And if he hit the Balco diet and hit them at the rate Bonds did after age 30, he would have ended up with 908. 

I know it's a pretty useless exercise and uses a ridiculous amount of assumptions and conjecture, but still kind of fun to look at.  One thing is clear:  Griffey should have used the roids.  Burnsie's Tonic just couldn't quite cut it. 

-  Matt Tolbert somehow got a hit.  Dick:  "The Twins have some speed on the bases."  No, he's white and "gritty" and "scrappy."  That doesn't make him fast.  And he promptly tries to steal and gets thrown out by 8 feet.  Beautiful.  Gardy's fascination with that guy might be the worst part of him as a manager, and that's saying alot.

-  Now Punto walks, and Dick wants him to steal too.  What's this guy's fascination with stealing?  He would have thrived down in New Orleans after Katrina. 

-  Milton Bradley just stole third without a throw thanks to Kevin Slowey paying zero attention to him.  That's your go ahead run with only one out in a 0-0 game here in the bottom of the fifth.  I know Milton Bradley's crazy.  Like Carl Everett crazy, but I love his game.  I bet you didn't even know that in 2008 he led the league in OBP and OPS, and that he's broken a .400 on base percentage three times.  But he doesn't steal a ton of bases (career high of 17, hasn't hit double digits since 2007, and the two he stole in this inning just tripled his season total) so nobody cares that he gets on base all the time.  He's like the anti-Vince Coleman, but you probably like Coleman better because you're a moron.  Thanks for ruining baseball.

-   Oh, and he scored on a sac fly, so his heads up steal of third probably just won the game for the Mariners - who, I'll remind you, I claimed were a sleeper World Series contender.  I'm so dumb.

-  Since the M's are basically out of it already, I wonder when they'll deal Cliff Lee.  He's on the hook for $9 million this year, but he's a free agent after this season.  If the Twins tried to acquire him (LOL) I'd assume they wouldn't be looking to add payroll in the amount and length he'd be asking for, so it would have to be a half-year rental sort of deal.  Which I would be fine with, depending on what they are asking for.  I'm not sure what exactly I'd be willing to give up - haven't really thought about it - and I'm sure somebody else would be willing to offer him more + a contract (I'd bet he ends up a Met), so it's really just a pipe dream, but since they won't end up making a big trade deadline deal, pipe dreams is all I got.

-  They just showed the Galarraga replay again, and man, I don't like the guy or anything but that really sucks for him.  Maybe even worse, apparently the umpire admitted after the game that he blew it.  I'm sure that makes Galarraga feel a lot better.  Ugh.  Just a terrible situation.  And if Miguel Cabrera isn't a terrible terrible terrible fielder and let's the second basemen get that, we aren't even discussing it and are instead trying to figure out why there are so many perfect games this year.  He was probably drunk.

-  By the way, I just want you all to know that Matt Wieters fucking sucks.  It's like he's purposefully going out of his way to intentionally hurt me.  I'm shifting all my love to Stephen Strasburg, who, by the way, will be making his first big league start June 8th, which is only six days away.  I will be flying out to Washington for the occasion.*

-  It's still 1-0 Mariners and we're now in the 7th.  The good news is if they can get Lee out of the game (doubtful) Seattle's closer is David Aardsma, who in no way should be a closer and is the kind of closer you can rally against in the ninth.  Just like Jon Rauch.  :sadface:

-  Cuddyer dinger.  Tie game.  Suck it, Cliff Lee.  And Snacks.  I know you hate the guy with everything you have, but I can't enable this anymore.  There's no reason to hate him, guy can mash.  Sure, he chases the slider down and away all the time, but it's small price to pay for the power he brings.

-  Oh hell yes.  Cuddy is leaving the team for bereavement because his father-in-law died (that's not the hell yes part) and Danny Valencia will be called up.  Thank god we finally get to see this guy play.  I'm sick of hearing about him without seeing him.  And what happened to Luke Hughes?  And Trevor Plouffe?  Why do they keep recycling Tolbert and Casilla instead of giving one of these guys an extended look?  And just cut Harris.  Oh wait, you geniuses signed him for two years even though you only had to sign him for one.  For such a successful and well run organization sometimes these guys are dumb as shit.

-  Valencia's stats at AAA this year:  .298/.350/.380 with no homers and 34-13 BB/K ratio.  I could not be less excited.  Sounds like another slapper.  It's almost like they draft these kind of guys on purpose.  Seriously, the draft is in like a week and I expect them to go off the board and get a guy whose bio reads:

PROS:  Scrappy.  Tough.  Gritty.  Hustles.  Dives a lot.  Slides into first to show his hustle despite all the evidence that it's a dumb play.  Can play multiple positions.  Regularly invites teammates over for a barbecue.

CONS:  Can't hit.  No idea of the strike zone.  Gets an extra-base hit once a month.  Makes terrible base-running decisions.  Is either short and white or short and ethnic.  Definitely short.  Is a "Gardy" kind of guy.

-  Slowey lets the first two batters get hits in the seventh, but gets out of it with a double play (started by Tolbert!) and a pop-up.  We got a ballgame here folks.

-  Apparently they've given up.  Leading off the 8th, Punto attempted to bunt and ended up striking out and then Span did bunt and was thrown out by Lee on a pretty nice play.  I guess they've decided they can't hit him.  If only it was Aardsma out there.

-  I've come around on the Celtics/Lakers final.  I'm pretty fired up for it.  Definitely rooting Celtics here.  Even though I hate all Red Sox fans and most Patriot fans (but definitely all Red Sox fans), I have no problem with the Celtics.  I grew up a Laker fan because I hearted Magic Johnson and hated the Celtics and Bird because I had to, as I've gotten older I appreciate the Celtics more and more, and I'm rooting for them because I hate Kobe and still love KG and definitely love Ray Allen.  I've also learned to appreciate Michael Jordan.  I hated that guy and considered him nothing more than a high-scoring ball hog who managed to win.  But after watching a new generation of ball hogs who suck (I'm looking at you Tracy McGrady) I have to give Jordan some props.  He's still just the fifth best player ever, but that's higher than I used to have him.

-  I think Jesse Crain has a new curveball.  That thing is pretty nasty.  No way he had that pitch before, I would have noticed.  And he put Seattle down 1-2-3 in the 8th.  Pretty sure that's never happened before.

-  Sweet!  Aardsma is in to face Mauer/Morneau/Cuddy in the ninth.  This probably will end up not even being a save situation for Rauch.

-  Four pitch walk to Mauer.  Looking like a Morneau 2-run dinger here.

-  Or a wild pitch and a Morneau ground out to move him to third (look at that Twins baseball!  Giving up his at-bat to move a runner up!)  So now we have go-ahead run on third with one out for Cuddy.

-  And he hits the ball as hard as you can, but right at the shortstop who is playing in.  So it's up to Kubel.  All he does is win games.  Or strikeout.  Also a big fan of the pop-up.

-  Fly out.  Shit.  And apparently this has turned into a live blog of the game.

-  Guerrier goes 1-2-3 in the bottom of the ninth.  And I am getting way tired.  Stupid west coast.  And I hate traveling out there, every single sporting event is done by 8pm.  When you're out there alone and have nothing better to do than sit in a hotel bar and watch sports, that really puts a bit of a damper on things.

-  Twins lose.  Excellent base-running by the Mariner guy.  I'd write more on that play but I'm really tired.  Suffice it to say, that call to ruin the Big Cat's perfect game wasn't the only bad call tonight.





* = No, I'm not.

Twins v. Gay Sox

Hey folks, with the Twins making a run at the stupid little Tigers, I figured I might as well tackle doing a blog of tonight's tilt against the hated White Sox.  Of course, it's a little difficult because Mrs. W is actually in control of the remote on Tuesday nights on account of The Biggest Loser about fat people crying a lot, I think.  So what am I to do?  I'm streaming the game using Stream Torrent.  What's Stream Torrent?  I have no idea, but it means I can watch the game.  I might be downloading several different viruses which are stealing my identity as we speak, but dammit I can watch the game.

-  Span out tonight with a mild concussion, which sucks but is probably a best case scenario after getting hit by a projectile moving 90 mph in the melon.  Gomez in and, is Gardy's style, plugged right into the spot of the guy he's replacing.  He hasn't been playing much lately, but the improvement he's shown this year gives me hope.

-  And right off the bat he shows why I'm starting to have faith in him, drawing a walk.  I'd be willing to bet Gardy goes with a bunt here with Cabrera.

- Nevermind, Cabrera unloads on one for a 2-run home run in what must be just his second or so homer since joining the Twins.  That moron PA spent an entire segment this morning discussing if the Twins should re-sign Cabrera after this season.  No, of course they shouldn't.  He'll be 35 next season, and will probably get at least $3 million a year to give you the exact same skills you are already getting from Brendan Harris, only more ethnic.  And you could resign Harris for half or a third what you'd need to get Cabrera.  You'd probably like that, racist. 

-  Yet another Kubel double (that guy is better than Jesus at hitting, FYI), a Cuddy single, and a sac fly by Delmon and it's 3-0 Twins already.  I just checked and the Tigers are winning 1-0 in the fourth.  Come on Cleveland.

-  A lead off walk to Podsednik, one of the worst hitters in baseball history and a notorious hacker who never walks.  This is a less than inspiring start for Mr. Manship.  Although I was expecting the Twins to need about six runs tonight anyway, so my world hasn't been exactly rocked.

-  Sure enough, pillow-biter Pods steals second, moves up to third on a grounder and scores on a grounder.  I wish I had sound right now, because I'd be willing to bet that the Hawk is extolling the virtues of small ball right now and holding up the Twins as the ideal of that philosophy, despite the fact that they rank 13th in the majors in homers, 19th in steals, and 20th in sac bunts.  Note:  that's not small ball.  Note2:  small ball is for girls and queers.

-  Just having Matt Tolbert in the lineup makes me physically ill.  It must be terrifying for Danks to get to the end of the lineup and have to face that Harris/Tolbert/Punto bottom of the lineup (Harris is DHing for some reaosn that I can't come up with).  It's like the old Yankee teams, who were forced to trot out Tony Lazzeri, Joe Sewell, and Bill Dickey at the end of their order. 

-  A nice 1-2-3 second inning for Manship with no balls particularly hit hard.  I literally can't remember if I've been impressed by Manship or not.  Like, seriously, somehow I can't remember watching him pitch, even though I know I've seen him multiple times.  Odd.

-  I just found out Placido Polanco (Det still up 1-0, now in the seventh) is a free agent after this year and the Tigers might not sign him.  How good would he look in a Twins uniform?  Based on his last contract (4 years, $4.6 million per year), his age (34), his production (declining), and the economy (toilet), I'd be they could get him for 2 years, $8 million.  Think about it.

-  Alex Rios just parked one about 10,000 feet to make it a 3-2 game.  There is no way 3 runs are going to hold up with Manship pitching.  And now Scottie Podsednik just got on base - again.  I'd be willing to bet he hasn't been on base twice in the same game more than three times this year.

-  Two run home run for David Beckham.  4-3 White Sox.  Is Manship really all we have as an option here for a pennant drive?  I'd rather toss Liriano out there.  Incidentally, just how far has Liriano fallen that I have to explain I'm not kidding that I'd rather have him than Man "look at how far that ball goes the other way" ship.

-  Two more singles, and I get my wish, here comes Liriano.  Actually, my wish was that somebody could pitch decently tonight.  That's also a lie, my real wish is that Sarah Michelle Gellar would show up on my doorstep in a babydoll nightie with a bottle of champagne vodka, feathered handcuffs, some sort of edible body lotion, and a bucket of chicken wings.

-  While I was typing that Liriano got out of the inning.  Now Cuddyer, the next Morneau, leads off the inning with a double.  They need to get him home to tie it up.  Delmoney, Harris, and Tolbert don't fill me with confidence.

-  Delmoney with an infield hit on a Baltimore chop-style hit, which reminds me in a lot of ways getting rid of the metrodome is going to suck.  Not just because the Twins are more comfortable there than any other team, what with the roof and the baggie and all the other intricacies, but because of the mental advantage they have over the Sox and the Tigers.  Players don't say much, but Ozzie Guillen, the Sox announcers, and the fans on both sides are all convinced they can't win in the dome, and the records bear that out.  Make no mistake, the Twins will be giving up a significant home field advantage next season and beyond.  They should be able to make up that difference, however, by spending more on free agents.  Ha ha.  I'm kididng of course.  Their won't be any additional monies spent to bring in talent.

-  Harris gets the run home by grounding into a double play.  So it's tied at 4-4, but that wasn't exactly awe-inspiring.  Also, Jason Bartlett probably goes yard there.  Just saying.

-  Mrs. W made Caramel-Apple Banana Bread tonight, and it's becoming increasingly clear to me that she's not all that bright (hi honey) because she is complaining that all she can taste is the banana.  There are clearly strong apple and caramel flavors, and the banana taste is actually quite minor.  I guess not everyone can be the kind of banana bread connoisseur I am.  I could be a banana bread sommelier, no joke.  Oh, you're having the filet mignon au poivre tonight?  Let me recommend the banana bread with either walnuts or macadamia nuts.  Grilled Salmon with Asparagus?  You'd probably have a good time with the cream cheese banana bread.  Although everyone knows banana bread with chocolate chips is the best, right?

-  In case you're wondering, suddenly my internet feed isn't working.  According to the always exciting yahoo gametracker, the Twins managed to take the lead after a Cabrera walk and a Mauer double.  By the way, it seems the national media is ALL on board with Mauer definitely being the MVP.  We'll see.  I trust the national media less than I trust The Todd around a burrito.

-  Also I want to mention here that it appears Dawger and Super Sioux Fan (and baby Dawger) will be coming over to the W casa on Sunday for a little Vikings/Twins/food day.  And also probably my murder.  If SSF does kill me, somebody throw out the shoe box under my side of the bed.  Don't open it.  Just throw it out.  

-  Liriano walks Beckham with one out (internet feed is back).  This guy is still so afraid to throw a strike.  It sucks, and this is the exact same thing that happened to my dad in the early 70s.  Hot shot prospect gets hurt, career never the same - or in his case, over.  If the pattern repeats itself Liriano will one day be a math teacher with one child who is a lawyer and another who is a drunken blogger.  Geez, dad.  Sorry.

-  I think I see why he hates throwing strikes, because he just threw one and Konerko Konorked it about 400 feet.  Luckily the wall is at 401 so it's just a double, but it's still 5-5 and both Liriano and my self-esteem are in the toilet.

-  The TV claims Liriano just hit 95 on the radar gun.  I call so much bullshit, like Zack Morris talking to Belding levels here.

-  Jessie Crain on his way to the mound.  That's always the answer.

-  Ok, he got the last out.  Also that necklace is fabulous.

-  Cuddyer with ANOTHER home run.  Talk about rising to the occasion.  This is incredible.  Looking at home runs only.  Which as we all know are the most impressive thing about baseball.

-  I think my internet feed is messed up.  It looks like Matt Tolbert just went yard.  That can't be, can it?  Weird how this feed is still running fine, but made somebody else look like a weiner with giant nostrils.  Never really seen that before.

-  Cabrera just made a play going to his right and doing that gay Jeter jump throw.  That better be on sportscenter as a great play, and then replayed for years.  We also should start calling Cabrera "the Captain" and a "True Twin", as well as maybe consider giving him an MVP as like a lifetime achievement award.

-  1-2-3 inning for Crain as we roll to the 7th.  Think about that.  What are the odds?

-  Tiggers won.  Can't afford to give this one away.

-  Mijares out to throw the seventh.  I assume this means we'll see either Rauch or Guerrier in the 8th.  I also want to use this space to admit that Matt Guerrier has had an awesome year and I didn't realize it.  WHIP of 0.91, ERA 2.18, and 70 innings in the books?  That's Paul Quantrill like, man.  I mean that is straight up awesome.  And I wrote this right before he is probably going to pitch an important 8th.  Good on me.

-  Shocker!  Fatties are crying on The Biggest Loser.  Fatties.  Are.  Crying.

-  KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

-  We're going with Guerrier here.  Hopefully the DWG jinx is no longer in affect.

-  First batter is Konerko.  He konorks one over the fence.  DWG jinx looking strong.  Still 8-6 Twins.

-  Mrs. W just told me Sarah Michelle Gellar had a baby today.  Freddie Prinze's baby.  For both of these reasons, let's substittue Christina Aguilera in my dream scenario above.

-  Guerrier gets it done.  Either get a couple more or let's just hope the suddenly mortal Nathan doesn't F this up.

-  No runs in the 9th for the Twins.  Nathan in.  61 innings this year, 81 strikeouts, 39 hits.  Holy god.

-  That was deceptively easy.  Twins win again.  With the Tigers win, they remain 2.5 back.  The one big thing on the Twins side?  The Tigers are on the cover of SI.  I don't believe in curses (other than the Curse of King Tut, the Curse of the Billy Goat, and throwing salt over your shoulder if you spill it), but I think it's pretty obvious the Tigers are screwed.  Just keep winning twinkies, just keep winning.

Liriano's Last Stand

I was considering watching Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy tonight, but I found out it's not actually about Hammerheads. It's actually about some kind of crazy Hammerhead/Human hybrid science experiment gone rogue. Think Armaggon from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (see above). Lame. How can I bitch about faulty science and shoddy research if the movie isn't about something real? That's the blessing and the curse of Sci-Fi; you can make up anything you want. The Hammerhead/Human thing could speak fluent Esperanto, shoot lasers out of it's eyes, and have a chainsaw for a left hand and it could just be explained away as "that was the result of the experiment that created the creature." I can't handle that. Plus I don't speak Esperanto and I hate sub-titles. So instead I'm going to watch Francisco Liriano try not to lose his job.

This is a huge game for Francisco. He's been a giant pile of dung lately, failing to get to the fifth in his last three starts. With Glen Perkins coming off the disabled list soon, and Anthony Swarzak pitching well enough to stay in the bigs (mirage that it may be), this might be Liriano's last chance to stay in the rotation. If he falls flat again, expect to see him either sent down to AAA once again or thrown to the bullpen.

Liriano will once again be taking on Felix the King, the third time these two enigmas have dueled this season. Felix beat the Twins 6-1 on opening day, and the Twins got him back with a 9-6 win on May 9th, chasing him after just four innings thanks in large part to back-to-back jacks by Mauer and Morneau.

Felix is having a lot more success this season, sporting an ERA of 3.41 and a WHIP of 1.28. The Twins are hot but honestly I don't really like their chances here. More important than the win though is Franky pitching well. Let's watch.

Oh, and I'm going with Sweet Tea Vodka and Lemonade tonight. Nostrovia!

9:09 - Hmm. Buscher DHing tonight. I was really hoping for some Delmon action. If I'm live blogging, there's nothing better than a little Delmon.

9:12 - Mauer is 10-16 lifetime against Felix. 10-16! That's unreal. He has a career OAVG of .260, and Mauer just owns him (small sample size, yes). Of course, a lazy fly out to center is the only logical outcome.

9:14 - A 1-2-3 first inning on something like 7 pitches. Yeaaaaaaaaaah!

9:16 - This is not a scary Mariner lineup. Just looked it up, and they are last in the AL in runs scored and on-base percentage, and 2nd to last in slugging. If he can't handle these guys, it's time to move him while he still has value.

9:17 - We get Gomez instead of Cuddyer, too. At least there's some entertainment.

9:19 - Fly out, Strikeout of Branyan (of course), and another fly out. Looked good too.

9:21 - Kubel whiffs, chasing a curve in the dirt for strike three. Tonight the roll of Delmon Young will be played by Jason Kubel.

9:23 - By the way, did you know Delmon Young has all of two extra-base hits this year? Two! His Isolated Power (slugging - batting average), basically a different way to look at slugging without singles and a high average mucking it up, is the fourth worst in all of baseball. You know is the worst? Nick Punto. You know who is the fifth worst? Alexi Casilla. Jesus, the Twins have less power than Obama, who we all know is just the nominal head of a shadow government working behind the scenes for a One World Order.

9:25 - Base knock for the pervy alcoholic (Brendan Harris) as Bert let's us know just how racist against asians Felix is. He is 1-3 with a 7.22 ERA when Kenji Johjima catches, and 4-0, 0.83 when someone else does. Bert tells us if you can't communicate with your catcher, you can't win. Maybe Bert is the racist one? Buscher stikes out to end the inning.

9:31 - Mike Sweeney ding dong to start the second. I think he was the clown who broke up Baker's no hitter last year too. In my experience watching Liriano, once there's a run, several more will soon follow. Like kids in a trailer park family.

9:35 - Liriano settles down, getting a weak ground out and two strikeouts to finish out the second. Got to see him use the elusive changeup, too, and got a swing and a miss. Oh, and it's some white dude catching for the Mariners, so it's safe to say the Twins are effed.

9:39 - Gomez leads off the third with an infield hit. They need to institute the Willie Mays Hayes program for him - every time he hits the ball in the air, it's twenty push ups. There's no reason for Vince Coleman 2.0 to ever hit the ball in the air. By the way, this is the guy Snacks said would hit 30 home runs some year. He's the next Scott Stahoviak.

9:42 - Infield hit for Casilla now. The Isolated Power here is off the charts.

9:44 - And of course, Gardy is having Span bunt. He's your second best hitter (canucks and roid-heads ineligible), don't take the bat out of his hands - especially in just the third inning. What, you really think you're only gonna need one or two runs? Freaking Liriano is on the mound, you better look to get at least five or six, which means no sac bunts in a potential big inning. God I hate Gardy so much. If this town wasn't so retarded about the "blue collar mentality" he would have been run out of here already for being a dipshit.

9:45 - Mauer walks, setting up the double-play. Speaking of Morneau, did you know that there are two Canadians in the top 3 in the AL in RBI? It's an invasion. We were busy watching the south, but they got us from the north. A classic diversionary invasion. Sun Tzu would be proud.

9:48 - They end up getting one to tie it on a Morneau sac fly. Good use of the sacrifice that inning. I'm so proud.

9:51 - Some clown for the Mariners lays down a bunt and then tries to slide into first Punto-style. Shocker, he was out. Where is Punto? Is he hurt? No way Gardy has just stopped playing "his guy Nicky", right?

9:53 - I looked it up. He's on the DL with a groin strain, same injury I got last time I humped your sister.

9:55 - Liriano actually just walked Ichiro. Do you know how hard that is to do? In his career he walks in 6% of his plate appearances, and that walk right there gives him a whopping eleven this year. He's so awesome, he can even walk guys who hate to walk worse than fat softball players. And now we get to watch him try to pitch with a runner on, which is where he usually falls apart - and there's a single for Branyan, which actually I didn't know he ever did. Now here's Beltre. That god there are two outs.

10:01 - God dammit. Had him 1-2 and ended up walking him after he fouled off a bunch of pitches. I'm going to go ahead and say this is the at-bat of his season. If Sweeney takes him to a gap and clears the bases it's time to trade him before the implosion plays all the way out. If he can get out of it, maybe he can turn it back around and stop sucking.

10:06 - Lazy fly ball, out of the inning. Honestly, I think what Snacks and Sidler said about it being mental might be right. Watching him once a runner is on base is like watching a whole other pitcher. He's afraid to throw it over the plate, gets behind, and then has to groove it. He needs to stop that and get over it. Kind of like how Theory was afraid of being our softball pitcher because he was convinced he was going to take a line drive in the melon. Like that, but not as girly.

10:08 - Effin' Dick just stole my bit. Said that might have been a "crossroads" type inning for Liriano.

10:13 - Sean O'Hair can go to hell by the way. That little bitch dropped out of the Memorial at some point between round one and two. I can't find any news on why, but I'm going to guess his dad yelled at him and made him cry. Also, Adam Scott is absolutely wrecked somehow. He finished 77-81 and missed the cut at +12. Seriously, the guy has died faster than David Ortiz.

10:17 - What kind of name is Wladimir? I swear, black people can misspell anything.

10:24 - What the hell? Suddenly Span strikes out on a ball out of the zone. That means both of my favorites, Kubel and Span, who I love for their plate discipline, have struck out on pitches well out of the strike zone tonight. The only possible explanation is that Felix is the Jesus of pitching. He's the Joe Mauer of pitching.

10:31 - Two one, two out for Kubel and he just misses a pitch and ends up flying out. Twins are knocking Felix around and drawing walks, but can't get the big hit - which almost always comes back to haunt them. Middle of the fifth, still 1-1.

10:34 - Four pitch walk to start the fifth. Great.

10:40 - I've never seen anyone so afraid to throw the ball over the plate. The only called strikes he gets are when he nips the black on the outside corner with his slider. I have no idea if he doesn't have it since the surgery or if he just thinks he doesn't, but somebody needs to get in that guys head and fix it back up. He struck out Beltre with a low change up (a really good pitch) to end the inning after two walks, but he just looks like it's a struggle the whole time he's out there. Still, it's 1-1, and if he can get his confidence back up I'm convinced he can still be a 1/2 type pitcher. I BELIEVE.

10:45 - Joe Crede sucks

10:51 - Couple more hits, still no more runs. They are squandering every opportunity. It's not every day Buscher gets a hit, you need to take advantage of that, man.

10:57 - Two quick outs for Liriano, and then Wladimir somehow hits a soft ground ball that somehow gets passed Crede and down the line, and then Denardo drops it into the bleachers going from glove to hand. Ends up as a 2-out double for Vlad.

11:00 - Bert wants us to know that he hasn't seen Liriano shake off Mauer at all tonight. He then continues to praise Mauer and essentially give him the credit for Liriano's solid outing (which is likely now over after a weak fly out since he's through six and over 100 pitches now). What can the baby jesus not do? Oh, right, stay clean.

11:03 - Span down on strikes again. I hope he isn't broken. Mauer and Morneau follow it up with a couple of easy outs. It's now bullpen vs. bullpen. I have no idea who Seattle has, but I like their chances.

11:12 - Crain manages to get two outs, which is weird. Now we are going to get Mijares to go after Ichiro - who is still hitless and stuck on his 27 game hit streak. This might be his last time up.

11:15 - Easy ground out, still 1-1 going to the 8th. Good game. Not a lot to bitch about so far though, which sucks.

11:19 - Seattle goes with Sean white, who appears to be about 6-10 and Mrs. W says, "He could be cute. Wait. Nope, nevermind." He gets Kubel to ground out, but then somehow manages to walk Crede, which is nearly on par with walking Ichiro. Harris and Buscher coming up next doesn't exactly fill me with hope. It's more like, the opposite of hope. But not quite despair. We'll call it, Less Hope.

11:23 - When I mentioned to Mrs. W she made the blog, she asked how and I told her and she was underwhelmed. She would like me to mention to all of you that she ran 10 miles today in her prep for Grandma's half-marathon in two weeks. If I can have a moment of seriousity here, let me say that she is pretty awesome.

11:25 - Tolbert steals second, and I have no idea where Tolbert came from. Apparently he's so much faster than Crede that taking away Crede's bat and putting Tolbert's (the equivalent of a little girl) in is a worthwhile thing to do. Meanwhile Harris strikes out on a ball in the dirt, and Mrs. W (who is suddenly paying attention) sees Buscher at the plate and asks "Who is this Pud (pronounced with a long u)?" He then lines it off the second basemen's chest and somehow this all results in Tolbert being thrown out at home. Good call on taking out Crede, ass.

11:28 - I'm really in the mood for some chili. During some of the commercials we put it on a show that is doing a feature on a chili tavern in Seattle. Looks good. I'm making some tomorrow. If you know where I live you can come over and have some.

11:29 - Now that I see the replay, Tolbert is a jackass. He tried to run over the catcher, when he would have had a better chance trying to go around him and hook in like Dawg's guy Randy Bush, especially since his running into the catcher looked like a Deion Sanders tackle. I think I hate Matt Tolbert. Of course, Dick's reaction is "Wow, did the ball in the glove ever touch Tolbert, I'm not sure." God you're an ass, Dick.

11:30 - ASSDICK!!

11:31 - Guerrier in for the bottom of the 8th. I am predicting a three run Seattle lead after this inning.

11:33 - Beltre hits a weak fly ball which Gomez decides to break back on and can't get back for it. So it's now a single instead of a can-of-corn. Guerrier doesn't get that many people to hit the ball poorly. When he does, you really need to get an out.

11:35 - Double play. I've always been a big Guerrier fan.

11:37 - I've never been a fan of white pizza. I need the red sauce. And fancy toppings aren't really necessary either. Just give me sausage and pepperoni. I mean, I also like olives (green not black, sicko), peppers, and onions, but they aren't necessary. And thin crust, for the love of god thin crust. And I'm not adverse to weird pizza necessarily. I went to some super fancy pants restaurant and we had pizza as an appetizer, but it was goat cheese, bacon, and green apple pizza, and it was good. But for my money, there is nothing better than a thin crust, sausage and pepperoni cut into squares and not from a chain. Let me recommend Donatelli's if you are in the North St Paul type area? Second best pizza ever. I think I'm going to go there tomorrow. Pizza and Chili. I'm so healthy.

11:41 - Yes, we are still watching food shows during the commercials.

11:47 - Span gets tossed trying to steal with Mauer up. Man, the steal is such an awesome weapon. It's so important to get Span to second there with two outs. I mean, what are the odds Mauer would hit the ball in the gap? No way there's a chance at all Span could score from first on anything Mauer could do. Thank god we have Gardy to make all these super smart decisions for us.

11:50 - Hooray for more Guerrier. Also I want to mention once again that Gardy might be the worst game manager of all-time. That attempted steal by Span is simply inexcusable.

11:53 - I don't know how this happens, but Guerrier puts them away 1-2-3. I also don't understand how Mrs. W can be complaining right now because she's out of Michelob Ultra and "has to" drink my Red Stripe. That's like saying you have run out of Mike Redmond at bats and have to play Mauer intsead. And he's up right now, which is probably why I used that as my analogy. I'm not very clever.

11:57 - Roid boy hits it to the wall, but not over. I can't decide if that would have just been a fly out or if he is between cycles and a little weaker right now. Actually he was mostly helped out by Seattle's center fielder who played that fly ball like the helpless kid in little league who loves to play the piano and listens to Mozart but his parents want him to be well-rounded to get into Harvard so they make him play baseball.

11:59 - So that was a double, and then they walk Morneau to get to Kubel. The intentional walk is Mrs. W least favorite thing eve, and she is currently in mid-rant about how dumb and gay and stupid it is and how it should be illegal and I'd write more but Kubel just hit the hell out of the ball and it should have been a 3-run dinger but stupid Gutierrez, who is probably an illegal, made a great catch to rob him. So now we have first and third, one out, and Joe Crede isn't up because instead we have Tolbert. Sounds like a double-play waiting to happen.

12:03 - A suicide squeeze????? A suicide squeeze?????!! Gardy needs to go. This is the worst managing I've ever seen. Oh, they pitched out, so they knew it was coming and Mauer, who was on third, just 90 feet away from scoring with one out, is now out. Stunned. I'm stunned. I've heard people say they were stunned but I didn't really get it until now. What the fuck, gardy? I'm shocked he didn't pinch run for Mauer earlier.

12:05 - Tolbert doubles off the glove the same guy who misplayed Mauer's double earlier, scoring Morneau and giving the Twins the lead. So now they will win and everyone will forget how Gardenhire is the dumbest person in history. (ha ha they ruled it an error go to hell Tolbert)

12:11 - One out. Griffey pinch hitting. He's about to go yard and tie this garbage up.

12:14 - Or not. Two outs. Ichiro up. I kind of want him to get a knock here to extend his hit streak. But not a home run. Plus, if this goes any more innings Mrs. W is going to straight up kick my ass.

12:17 - Struck him out. Good win. Suck it Japan.

Thursday Things (Twins, Threesomes, and shitty ptiching)

- How the holy hell did the Twins win today? Naturally the game wasn't on television, because there's far too much fishing, racing, and poker to be shown on Fox Sports during the day, so I couldn't watch it in our conference room, but I had the gamecast from MLB.com up on my computer at my desk in my big office on the 30th floor with the big window. Justin Verlander was mowin' down fools, like I warned he would, with twelve strikeouts of idiotic Twins' hackers and no runs allowed through six. Scott Baker the home run maker had matched him through five, also giving up no runs (which I assume meant the Tigers were hitting a lot of line drives right at defenders), but then came the inevitable implosion in the top of the sixth. The Tigers lit him up for five runs in the inning, which included a hit by Adam Everett (ADAM. FREAKING. EVERETT.)

At this point I mercifully had a meeting which I would love to tell you all about but I wasn't paying attention because it was boring and I was busy thinking about my girl Bianca Kajlich:


So when I get back to my desk, the Twins have somehow won 6-5. I have no idea how. It appears Verlander's arm was pretty much about to fall off when they brought him out in seventh (ended up with 122 pitches) and he promptly (after striking out Crede of course) gave up a rare hit to Buscher and a walk to Punto and was yanked for Bobby Seay - who I have decided to call the Matt Guerrier of Detroit. Seay got just one out and gave up three hits and a walk to lose the game. Actually, Crede got the game-winning hit off Zach Miner, but Seay definitely Jesse Crained this one.

And of course, Gardy got thrown out for being an idiot. I love when he throws his gay little temper tantrums. It really makes me proud to have him as a manager. Well, that and his gameday genius. Like batting Matt Tolbert second. Second. Right after first. Between the next Ricky Henderson and the Baby Jesus. Essentially guaranteeing the Twins could never get three hits in a row to start a game. Because Tolbert sucks, you see.

He is, of course, hitting just .200 now after a stellar 0-4 today, in which he decided to not even come close to making good contact. Sure, 30 at bats so far this year is a pretty small sample size, but I feel pretty comfortable saying that his ceiling is Denny Hocking.

Let's go ahead and ignore the hitting second thing, and instead point out that Brendan Harris should probably be the everyday second basemen, especially over Tolbert who has now started in EVERY SINGLE GAME SINCE HE WAS CALLED UP. All 8. Go ahead and count it. I'll wait.

It's just so frustrating to have a jackass like this as manager. It's like that manager in little league who plays his kid over players who are better, except he's running a multi-million dollar business.

Back to Brendan Harris. He's hitting .309/.360/.441 so far this season. Those numbers put him 10th, 12th, and 12th amongst second basemen in the majors. Better average than Chase Utley. Better OBP than Dan Uggla. Better slugging pct. than Dustin Pedroia. Plus he can play three positions. Yet he's behind Tolbert, Punto, and even Buscher. Makes zero sense, except, like I Hate Cuddyer Guy said, "It's just because Gardy is a fucking dipshit who plays favorites right?"

Plus, check out this story from The Todd. Originally relayed here in the comments, but it deserves to be promoted to main post status:

[I was fortunate enough to attend the Twins game this afternoon, compliments of work.

And as luck would have it, a coworker of mine seems to know EVERYone. He played college ball at St. Thomas so that has to say something right?

Anyway, he informed me during the game that Brenden Harris has been bangin some UofM chick for a while now and when he does, insists that the doors be open so all the girls in her house can hear it (classy if you ask me).

Moving on, he's wanted and has been pressuring her like hell to have a three some with some other chick in the house. Well apparently this all came to a head last weekebd (or two), said chick broke down whilst wasted calling the cops etc etc. Harris now has a restraining order against that entire house. Or so he says.

God I love baseball!

I need another drink.]

How do you NOT start that guy?

- Speaking of the Twins, do you remember the god awful pitching rotation the Tigers of 2003 trotted out? You remember, the team was terrible and everyone knew they were going to be terrible and overall the ended up losing 119 games? It was supposed to be a group of young bucks who would eventually develop into something special but out of Mike Maroth, Jeremy Bonderman, Nate Cornejo, Adam Bernero, and Gary Knotts not one of them has pitched an inning in 2009 and only Bonderman has a shot at being anything at all.

Well, those guys, who combined to go 25-77, had a combined ERA that year of 5.50. The Twins five "young guns" this year have a combined ERA of 5.17.

I'm just sayin'.