Twins v. Gay Sox

Hey folks, with the Twins making a run at the stupid little Tigers, I figured I might as well tackle doing a blog of tonight's tilt against the hated White Sox.  Of course, it's a little difficult because Mrs. W is actually in control of the remote on Tuesday nights on account of The Biggest Loser about fat people crying a lot, I think.  So what am I to do?  I'm streaming the game using Stream Torrent.  What's Stream Torrent?  I have no idea, but it means I can watch the game.  I might be downloading several different viruses which are stealing my identity as we speak, but dammit I can watch the game.

-  Span out tonight with a mild concussion, which sucks but is probably a best case scenario after getting hit by a projectile moving 90 mph in the melon.  Gomez in and, is Gardy's style, plugged right into the spot of the guy he's replacing.  He hasn't been playing much lately, but the improvement he's shown this year gives me hope.

-  And right off the bat he shows why I'm starting to have faith in him, drawing a walk.  I'd be willing to bet Gardy goes with a bunt here with Cabrera.

- Nevermind, Cabrera unloads on one for a 2-run home run in what must be just his second or so homer since joining the Twins.  That moron PA spent an entire segment this morning discussing if the Twins should re-sign Cabrera after this season.  No, of course they shouldn't.  He'll be 35 next season, and will probably get at least $3 million a year to give you the exact same skills you are already getting from Brendan Harris, only more ethnic.  And you could resign Harris for half or a third what you'd need to get Cabrera.  You'd probably like that, racist. 

-  Yet another Kubel double (that guy is better than Jesus at hitting, FYI), a Cuddy single, and a sac fly by Delmon and it's 3-0 Twins already.  I just checked and the Tigers are winning 1-0 in the fourth.  Come on Cleveland.

-  A lead off walk to Podsednik, one of the worst hitters in baseball history and a notorious hacker who never walks.  This is a less than inspiring start for Mr. Manship.  Although I was expecting the Twins to need about six runs tonight anyway, so my world hasn't been exactly rocked.

-  Sure enough, pillow-biter Pods steals second, moves up to third on a grounder and scores on a grounder.  I wish I had sound right now, because I'd be willing to bet that the Hawk is extolling the virtues of small ball right now and holding up the Twins as the ideal of that philosophy, despite the fact that they rank 13th in the majors in homers, 19th in steals, and 20th in sac bunts.  Note:  that's not small ball.  Note2:  small ball is for girls and queers.

-  Just having Matt Tolbert in the lineup makes me physically ill.  It must be terrifying for Danks to get to the end of the lineup and have to face that Harris/Tolbert/Punto bottom of the lineup (Harris is DHing for some reaosn that I can't come up with).  It's like the old Yankee teams, who were forced to trot out Tony Lazzeri, Joe Sewell, and Bill Dickey at the end of their order. 

-  A nice 1-2-3 second inning for Manship with no balls particularly hit hard.  I literally can't remember if I've been impressed by Manship or not.  Like, seriously, somehow I can't remember watching him pitch, even though I know I've seen him multiple times.  Odd.

-  I just found out Placido Polanco (Det still up 1-0, now in the seventh) is a free agent after this year and the Tigers might not sign him.  How good would he look in a Twins uniform?  Based on his last contract (4 years, $4.6 million per year), his age (34), his production (declining), and the economy (toilet), I'd be they could get him for 2 years, $8 million.  Think about it.

-  Alex Rios just parked one about 10,000 feet to make it a 3-2 game.  There is no way 3 runs are going to hold up with Manship pitching.  And now Scottie Podsednik just got on base - again.  I'd be willing to bet he hasn't been on base twice in the same game more than three times this year.

-  Two run home run for David Beckham.  4-3 White Sox.  Is Manship really all we have as an option here for a pennant drive?  I'd rather toss Liriano out there.  Incidentally, just how far has Liriano fallen that I have to explain I'm not kidding that I'd rather have him than Man "look at how far that ball goes the other way" ship.

-  Two more singles, and I get my wish, here comes Liriano.  Actually, my wish was that somebody could pitch decently tonight.  That's also a lie, my real wish is that Sarah Michelle Gellar would show up on my doorstep in a babydoll nightie with a bottle of champagne vodka, feathered handcuffs, some sort of edible body lotion, and a bucket of chicken wings.

-  While I was typing that Liriano got out of the inning.  Now Cuddyer, the next Morneau, leads off the inning with a double.  They need to get him home to tie it up.  Delmoney, Harris, and Tolbert don't fill me with confidence.

-  Delmoney with an infield hit on a Baltimore chop-style hit, which reminds me in a lot of ways getting rid of the metrodome is going to suck.  Not just because the Twins are more comfortable there than any other team, what with the roof and the baggie and all the other intricacies, but because of the mental advantage they have over the Sox and the Tigers.  Players don't say much, but Ozzie Guillen, the Sox announcers, and the fans on both sides are all convinced they can't win in the dome, and the records bear that out.  Make no mistake, the Twins will be giving up a significant home field advantage next season and beyond.  They should be able to make up that difference, however, by spending more on free agents.  Ha ha.  I'm kididng of course.  Their won't be any additional monies spent to bring in talent.

-  Harris gets the run home by grounding into a double play.  So it's tied at 4-4, but that wasn't exactly awe-inspiring.  Also, Jason Bartlett probably goes yard there.  Just saying.

-  Mrs. W made Caramel-Apple Banana Bread tonight, and it's becoming increasingly clear to me that she's not all that bright (hi honey) because she is complaining that all she can taste is the banana.  There are clearly strong apple and caramel flavors, and the banana taste is actually quite minor.  I guess not everyone can be the kind of banana bread connoisseur I am.  I could be a banana bread sommelier, no joke.  Oh, you're having the filet mignon au poivre tonight?  Let me recommend the banana bread with either walnuts or macadamia nuts.  Grilled Salmon with Asparagus?  You'd probably have a good time with the cream cheese banana bread.  Although everyone knows banana bread with chocolate chips is the best, right?

-  In case you're wondering, suddenly my internet feed isn't working.  According to the always exciting yahoo gametracker, the Twins managed to take the lead after a Cabrera walk and a Mauer double.  By the way, it seems the national media is ALL on board with Mauer definitely being the MVP.  We'll see.  I trust the national media less than I trust The Todd around a burrito.

-  Also I want to mention here that it appears Dawger and Super Sioux Fan (and baby Dawger) will be coming over to the W casa on Sunday for a little Vikings/Twins/food day.  And also probably my murder.  If SSF does kill me, somebody throw out the shoe box under my side of the bed.  Don't open it.  Just throw it out.  

-  Liriano walks Beckham with one out (internet feed is back).  This guy is still so afraid to throw a strike.  It sucks, and this is the exact same thing that happened to my dad in the early 70s.  Hot shot prospect gets hurt, career never the same - or in his case, over.  If the pattern repeats itself Liriano will one day be a math teacher with one child who is a lawyer and another who is a drunken blogger.  Geez, dad.  Sorry.

-  I think I see why he hates throwing strikes, because he just threw one and Konerko Konorked it about 400 feet.  Luckily the wall is at 401 so it's just a double, but it's still 5-5 and both Liriano and my self-esteem are in the toilet.

-  The TV claims Liriano just hit 95 on the radar gun.  I call so much bullshit, like Zack Morris talking to Belding levels here.

-  Jessie Crain on his way to the mound.  That's always the answer.

-  Ok, he got the last out.  Also that necklace is fabulous.

-  Cuddyer with ANOTHER home run.  Talk about rising to the occasion.  This is incredible.  Looking at home runs only.  Which as we all know are the most impressive thing about baseball.

-  I think my internet feed is messed up.  It looks like Matt Tolbert just went yard.  That can't be, can it?  Weird how this feed is still running fine, but made somebody else look like a weiner with giant nostrils.  Never really seen that before.

-  Cabrera just made a play going to his right and doing that gay Jeter jump throw.  That better be on sportscenter as a great play, and then replayed for years.  We also should start calling Cabrera "the Captain" and a "True Twin", as well as maybe consider giving him an MVP as like a lifetime achievement award.

-  1-2-3 inning for Crain as we roll to the 7th.  Think about that.  What are the odds?

-  Tiggers won.  Can't afford to give this one away.

-  Mijares out to throw the seventh.  I assume this means we'll see either Rauch or Guerrier in the 8th.  I also want to use this space to admit that Matt Guerrier has had an awesome year and I didn't realize it.  WHIP of 0.91, ERA 2.18, and 70 innings in the books?  That's Paul Quantrill like, man.  I mean that is straight up awesome.  And I wrote this right before he is probably going to pitch an important 8th.  Good on me.

-  Shocker!  Fatties are crying on The Biggest Loser.  Fatties.  Are.  Crying.

-  KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

-  We're going with Guerrier here.  Hopefully the DWG jinx is no longer in affect.

-  First batter is Konerko.  He konorks one over the fence.  DWG jinx looking strong.  Still 8-6 Twins.

-  Mrs. W just told me Sarah Michelle Gellar had a baby today.  Freddie Prinze's baby.  For both of these reasons, let's substittue Christina Aguilera in my dream scenario above.

-  Guerrier gets it done.  Either get a couple more or let's just hope the suddenly mortal Nathan doesn't F this up.

-  No runs in the 9th for the Twins.  Nathan in.  61 innings this year, 81 strikeouts, 39 hits.  Holy god.

-  That was deceptively easy.  Twins win again.  With the Tigers win, they remain 2.5 back.  The one big thing on the Twins side?  The Tigers are on the cover of SI.  I don't believe in curses (other than the Curse of King Tut, the Curse of the Billy Goat, and throwing salt over your shoulder if you spill it), but I think it's pretty obvious the Tigers are screwed.  Just keep winning twinkies, just keep winning.