Chomping??? (Live Movie Blog)

I caught the first twenty minutes or so of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon a few months ago, and promised myself I would rent it and/or Tivo it. Well I found it on Sci Fi and Tivo'd it. Go.

- The opening titles are in some kind of faux-3D. I like where we're going.

- It is hard to believe, but it looks like they actually did a little bit of research. The area where they are about to accidentally encounter the Meg for the first time is the Challenger Deep, which is the actual deepest part of the ocean. I'm willing to wager it's the only scientifically sound thing of the movie.

- Also I want to mention here that I will probably call Megalodon "Meg" to save time. I also want to tell you that Meg by Steve Alten, about a modern day Megalodon, is without question the worst book I've eve read, and I've read a lot of books. I don't want to spoil it for you, but I will because I want to save you the pain, but the main character ends up walking around in a Meg's stomach. No lie. Seriously. Steve Alten is a gigantic retard. He also writes books about a giant, mechanical sting ray. He's like the Matt Guerrier of authors.

- GOD FUCKING DAMMIT SHARKS DO NOT ROAR. I just don't understand.

- If you want to picture the lead hero dude in this, just picture a super cheesy (cheesier) Mark Harmon. And also they just showed side boob on the Sci Fi channel. HOT.

- The Shark just roared again. Honestly, it grates on my soul.

- Dude found a shark tooth that is going to end up being a Megalodon tooth. However, it's the size of a medium-sized Great White tooth. Megalodon tooth should be at least 3x bigger. Ominous music plays in the background as guy stares at his baby Great White sized tooth.

- Look here, this is a Megalodon tooth compared to a Great White:


The one they found is identical to the ones one the right.

- Did I ever tell you how I crossed 8 mile road in Michigan? Except I was so far from Detroit at the time it was actually farmland all around, but still: I crossed 8 mile road and lived to tell the story.

- He can't identify the tooth, even though he's a marine biologist and a Megalodon tooth is identical to a Great White's, the most famously recognizable tooth, except bigger. And then he looks it up in the "Shark Tooth Database" and couldn't find an entry. For a Great White shark tooth. In the Shark Tooth Database.

- We then get some action of a shark in the water (and what clearly would have been a topless chick if this wasn't on Sci Fi), but the footage they used was shark footage pirated from some poor documentary, and they didn't bother to make sure all the footage was of the same species. That's right, the supposed shark seems to alternate between being a Great White and a Bull Shark. The it dies, and we don't have any idea why, and the marine biologist guy identifies it as a "Sand Tiger" so everybody loses.

- Marine Biologist guy just talked to blonde Marine Biologist girl and keeps talking about how it's such a big tooth he found and wondering if the shark it came from is large and dangerous. But it's not big. It's not big at all. It's really quite small for a great white tooth. And now you're telling me two marine biologists can't identify it? Where'd they go to school, Dunwoody?

- Finally, Megalodon makes an appearance and eats a punk rocker couple who go swimming at night, but guess what it does right before it attacks? That's right, it roars. Like a lion. Because I guess that's what movie sharks do. At least this time it wasn't for revenge. I don't think. I can't keep up with all the complicated plot twists.

- Oh good, we have a fake Vince Vaughn as the cameraman. I hope he gets eaten soon. You have to be very likable to pull off that shtick. Vince is. Douchey doucherton here isn't.

- Oh for christ's sake. Their chum has no fish in it. It's basically red kool-aid. How expensive are fake fish parts. Hell, real fish parts are probably cheaper and more authentic.

- I guess the red kool-aid worked, because there is now a shark ramming the boat. So far all the video footage of it has of a great white, but it's still roaring. It's even roaring when it's just swimming and not actively attacking/ramming anything, as if just showing the shark swimming was too boring for these jackasses. And there's now a chomping sound effect. Chomping. CHOMPING! It sounds like the usual morons who always sit behind me eating popcorn in the movie theater who have never heard of not opening their mouth when they chew. Freaking retards. Anyway, it plays when the shark bites the bait suspended from the boat that is only there in the shot clearly lifted from a documentary and no longer visible in any actual shots of the boat. But hey, at least they managed to tag it.

- Marine Biologist guy is now in Marine Biologist chick's hotel room and found out she's really a paleontologist. Now is where the beans are spilled. And she smokes. You know what they say, "If she smokes, she pokes." Good work MB guy.

- MB guy wants to kill the Megalodon because it's a danger to the swimmers on his beach and killed some poor dumb bastard who shouldn't have been swimming there. The girl wants to study it because it's an incredible discovery. It's quite the classic battle of intellect here. Like watching Corky and Mr. T argue.

- Oh wow, total curveball here - they're going to join forces. I bet there's no way they fall for each other though. No chance.

- Uh oh. The shark is heading right for the resort. Where's Chief Brody when you really need him?

- And apparently life guards at this resort wear Speedos. Sign me up.

- This shark is one badass. The biologists and what not are chasing it, and then we hear "Go faster! It's heading for that boat!" Nevermind the fact that sharks ramming boats is generally a myth or a case of mistaken identity, but why start using actual facts or realistic shark behaviors in your movie now? It rams the boat - with accompanying roar, naturally - and eats not just one, but two of the drunk mexicans on board. Good way to solve the immigration problem. Do you think they're extra spicy?

- CHOMPING!!!??

- I checked out the two credited writers for this garbage, and one of them appears to be a cameraman who suddenly decided to start writing shark movies, and has written Shark Attack, Shark Attack 2, and Shark Attack 3 (this). The other guy has done nothing but help write and produce this garbage. So basically a cameraman and his rich friend with too much time and money. Seems about right.

- In a scene ripped from every shark movie ever, Marine Biologist guy gets in a argument with resort owner guy about closing the beaches, followed by teary paleontologist chick crying and whining about people dying because she wanted to study a shark. As a bonus, we are getting a level of acting here usually reserved for Saved by the Bell guest stars.

- Here's what I don't get. They keep saying that this is for sure a Megalodon, even though it's only twenty feet long. It's known that a real Meg would be 60 feet or more. So either this is a great white, or it's a baby Meg. But nobody is even mentioning that it's too small. It's my fault, isn't it? To expect sound science and actual facts and sharks that don't make noises that sharks don't make. I have no idea why I keep watching this kind of movies, and to make it worse the two main people just went into a church and lit about 60 candles because, "we're going to need all the help we can get." Oof. Excellent writing, cameraman and rich friend.

- That idiot Nick Punto slid into first again the other night. Except there was no play. He bunted, and A-Rod was playing so far back and the grass is so thick at Yankee Stadium and it was an excellent bunt so there was no play at all. But that jackass slid into first anyway. So it's clear that he doesn't do it because he (incorrectly) thinks it will help him be safe on a close play, he knows he's going to do it before the play even happens. So he's planning to be an idiot in advance. Bravo.

- CHOMPING!!!???!

- Ok, I obviously wasn't paying attention because suddenly the boat is all flooded, I assume from being rammed by the shark because that's what shark's do when they're bored. And bam, there is is again, half in the boat just like the shark in Jaws did when it ate Quint. Except this shark didn't get to eat anyone because it was too busy roaring At least I don't think so. Blair Witch Project levels of shaky camera here. I think this time it's attributable to shitty cameramen though.

- Still roaring. You'd think it would have a sore throat by now. Seriously, Wonderbaby doesn't roar this much and she spends 90% of her awake time wandering around the house roaring like a lion shark.

- They killed the shark with a shotgun in the mouth (just like Kurt Cobain). Sadly, my Tivo informs me we still have 39 minutes left of this crap, so I'm guessing it's not over yet. Considering that "Megalodon" was only the size of a Great White, I'm guessing the "Mother" meg is going to show up. It has to, right? Other wise this movie would have been called "Shark Attack 3: A Normal Great White."

- Oh my god! This is the most awesome thing ever. The mama did show up, and how they did it was taking normal footage of a shark eating, but then superimposed the footage of a boat where normally the real food would be. So it looks like the world's biggest shark eating a boat, only if the digital effects were done by a team of drunk mexican midgets.

- This, I suppose, is actually kind of a genius idea when your budget for a movie is only about $100 total, but I haven't laughed this hard since Theory ran into a screen door at my parents cabin.

- Creative editing. The resort owner guy is in an argument with MB guy, and he doesn't believe there's a 60 foot shark swimming around off his resort. His response: "Bull spit." I love the FCC!

- Naughty time in the shower between Marine Biologist guy and lying Paleontologist girl who smokes. I just went from six to midnight.

- Oh by the way, I forgot to mention that this is all the fault of the resort owner and some greedy communications company that is trying to get rich by building undersea electrical cables and knew about the Megs and ignored the problem. And they were having a celebratory dinner on a yacht. A yacht which is now being rammed by a roaring shark (for revenge) and doing it's best titanic impression.

- I was trying to come up with words to describe this most awesome of all awesome climaxes, but luckily I found the clip on youtube, so you can see it yourself in all it's glory. Check this out:

Have you ever seen anything so glorious in all your life? There are no words.

- After that Mark Harmon's douchier little brother kills the shark by blowing it up with a "super torpedo." I don't know. It doesn't really matter because you can't top that clip above. Totally made the two hours I spent watching this crap worth it. Well, not totally worth it, but kind of.

Both Marine Biologist guy and Lying Paleontologist girl live. I'm guessing they go make out. Like I'm going to go do. With your mom.