Saturday, May 30, 2009

I'm All a Rage (Movie Live Blog)


Raging over Raging Sharks that is, the latest piece I picked up off of Tivo in my quest to find a fourth shark movie that doesn't suck (Jaws, Jaws 2, and Spring Break Shark Attack are the other three). I don't have high hopes because it's damn near impossible to find a good shark movie, and yet, here I am once again, drinking and watching shark movies. Is this heaven?

- I'm more than a bit confused here, because we are starting this movie in space. Yes, space. There is a space ship that looks suspiciously like the Tantive IV (the one Leia is on at the beginning of Star Wars) that appears to be docking with some other space ship/space station. And I just saw some aliens. Since I haven't seen any titles yet, I'm going to assume Sci Fi lied to me and this is actually some other movie, since I can't imagine any way possible starting a shark movie in space can end well.

- The two outer space things crash, sending a piece of one of them careening off into the depths of space. Somehow I bet whatever it is ends up on earth and does something to sharks (makes them rage, perhaps) and makes me want to track down and kill whoever wrote this garbage.

- We have confirmation - this is actually Raging Sharks, and it did, indeed, start in outer space. I had no fair warning. Here's the plot summary: "White Sharks terrorize underwater researches and a group of divers in the Pacific Ocean." Nothing in there about outer space sharks or whatever. You should probably warn people about that kind of thing.

- Incidentally, this movie stars three people I have heard of, Corin Nemec - although I don't know why I know his name, Corbin Bernsen - Roger Dorn of Major League fame, and Vanessa Angel - who played that superfly honey from Kingpin. You remember her:


- I just looked her up, and it seems Ms. Angel also starred with Sawyer from Lost in something called Sabretooth, which is about a scientist who recreates a Sabretooth Tiger from old DNA, which then escapes and starts killing people. A rip-off of Jurassic Park? Yes. And yet, here I am, searching the TV Guide to see if it's on any time soon.

- Whatever it is that fell into the ocean has drawn a bunch of sharks to hang out around some underwater research base on the ocean floor. I have a feeling these sharks may start raging soon, and cause a problem. And, shocker of shockers, there is a storm a-brewing so the workers are now trapped in the base and can't get to the surface.

- Note: Vanessa Angel had a lot of work done on her face, and now exhibits the facial range of R2-D2. That's two Star Wars references, damn. I will say this though, Angel and Nemec guy have some actual acting chops. That already puts this movie light years ahead of Megalodon, the actors of which I'm fairly certain were plucked right off the street - and not the streets of Hollywood, the streets of like, Fort Worth.

- By the way, Clint Hurdle got canned. That should make our very own Rockies Guy pretty happy. Maybe Helton will be traded next.

- There's a couple of jackasses who swam out to fix something. I feel like we're going to finally get some shark action. Yep, two dead divers. And guess what? You're not going to believe this, but the shark roared. Again. The shark roared again. I think that makes four shark movies I've live blogged on here now, and in every single god damn one the idiots make the shark roar. It doesn't make any sense. Watch Jaws, that's pretty suspenseful and scary, and they didn't have to add any fake noises to their already terrifying apex predator. That would be like writing a movie where a Lion was killing people, but changing the roar so that instead before it strikes the Lion just yells, "HEY MOTHA FUCKA!!!"

- Now the shark bit some electrical cable for some unknown reason - whilst roaring of course. Actually I think there's two sharks. Both raging. and both roaring. And that electrical cable was their communication cable, so now they are CUT OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE. Bad deal, Kingpin lady.

- Ok I looked it up and the reason I know this Corin Nemec dude is because he was Parker Lewis on that old TV Show "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" which was basically Ferris Bueller's Day Off but on television and was an ok show. Anyway, he's some science guy and Kingpin lady is his wife, only she's trapped on the underwater base and he's somehow on the mainland but I don't know how because I wasn't paying attention.

- Holy effin' crap, Roger Dorn is playing a submarine captain. That's pretty damn hilarious. Also the sub he's captaining is a military sub, and apparently they are sending it down to the undersea base to deal with the shark attack. I wasn't aware they called the military in for that now.

- Dorn's orders to his sub pilot or driver or whatever: "Maximum Depth, Maximum Angle." That's what she said.

- I just looked up the guy who wrote this, and you'll never guess what else he wrote? Sharks in Venice. For realsies. If you remember that one, it was ambitious but horrible. Considering this one started in outer space, I'm guessing it will be more of the same. But Shark movies don't have to be complex. Jaws and Jaws 2 were about a shark that was simply attacking people near a resort beach because it had found fertile feeding ground. Spring Break Shark Attack was about tiger sharks that had been pulled too close to a beach by a new, artificial reef that was put in and all the prey fish that came with it. Simple. Realistic-ish. No roaring. Jaws didn't even bother with tossing in a hot chick and it's still a top 10 movie of all-time. Just keep it simple. Sharks are naturally awesome, you don't have to get cute and full of plot twists.

- Oh, and Spring Break Shark Attack's main female star was Shannon Lucio from the O.C. I like her:


- Man, these sharks sure are raging. Another diver down.

- Kingpin lady and some hot blonde with pigtails have figured out that the Great Whites are hunting in a school, and then discuss how that is not normal for Great Whites. An actual true fact. I don't want to go through all the other shark movie live blogs, but I'm almost positive that's the first scientifically sound plot point in any of them.

- And right on cue some dopey scientist type comes in and says, "Those orange particles we found? There's nothing like them on Earth." So basically this orange substance takes solitary loner creatures and makes them more social. I think Bear could use a little of this.

- Now the raging school of sharks just attacked a float plane (+ diver) when it landed on the water. Just like in Jaws 2. Man, the originality in this one so far is stunning - outside of the genius use of outer space substances and aliens, of course.

- This is awesome. Now, instead of waiting for help, the Kingpin lady is yelling at her poor foreign mechanic guy that he needs to go outside the undersea lab and fix whatever it is that is wrong with it. He's like, "there are sharks out there and I have three kids" and she's all like, "You're a coward." So basically there have been four people in the water in this movie and all four have been killed by the raging, mutated school of sharks, but she thinks this father of three is a coward because he doesn't want to play russian roulette with a loaded gun full of sharks. Mixed metaphor aside, she's quite the bitch. This is kind of how I'd imagine Marge Schott ran the Reds.

- Maassive attack on the local beach, at least five surfers dead. Of course, they'd probably be dead anyway because surfing is really damn stupid. I've said it before and I'll say it again - when you surf you look like a seal from below. Sharks love to eat seals. Ergo, if you surf, you will die. This movie proves it.

- Roger Dorn is PISSED at Parker Lewis. Dorn's sub is now surrounded by Raging SharksTM, and he's got a mad face on, blaming Parker for "crazy experiments." Also we've just been informed that the sub doesn't have the ability to evacuate an undersea lab. The sub that the navy sent to check out the problems at an undersea lab doesn't have the ability to evacuate an undersea lab. I don't know. I put that as a pretty high priority. If I was sending a sub to check out a problem at an undersea lab, my priority list would go:
1. Doesn't fill up with water or explode upon contact with water.
2. Can evacuate an undersea lab.
3. Full bar.

- Parker Lewis is swimming for some reason that I didn't quite catch because I was in mid-rant. And they are playing some crazy classical music to enhance the drama. It's a solid effort. It kind of sounds like O Fortuna from Cramina Burana (and many, many commercials and movies) but a lot shittier. Anyway, he's out there with some navy escort guy and the sharks spotted them and now there's a lot of roaring and horrible camera work and somehow they both made it. The music led me to believe that they would not. I feel cheated. I'm thirsty for blood.

- Speaking of blood, have you seen the trailers for "Drag Me to Hell?" God that movie looks Effed up. The trailer alone scares me. I can't wait to see, plus I dig that chick (Alison Lohman).


- Ok, so actually the navy escort guy is some kind of marine research cop guy who is there to check and see if this project has been up to safety code and if not shut them down. Hot pig-tailed blonde is unhappy about this development.

- ALARUM!!!! ALARUM!!!!! Somehow the submarine is on fire. Repeat, the submarine is on fire. Apparently somehow or other due to the raging, socially well-adjusted sharks. So that means this sub failed both #1 and #2 on my priority list. I think it's clear that I should be in charge of the Navy. First order of business: Destroy Wisconsin.

- There is now only one hour of oxygen remaining in the undersea lab. The only way to get more is for someone to out in the water and turn the valve on. Kingpin chick, "Well we know it won't be Harvey (the mechanic with three kids who, oddly enough, doesn't want to go in the water with a bunch of killing (and raging) sharks)." His response, "What?" Her response, "We know you're a chicken shit." What the hell is with this chick?

- OMG. Then Parker Lewis (her husband in this) says, "Fine I'll do it" and she says, "No, it's too dangerous." She is either the most evil character ever written, or the most realistic.

- FYI guys, you can get a bigger schwanz if you go to ExtenZe.com. According to the totally believable couple on the commercial, it makes both the dude and the chick happier, and you'll have more sex. Plus, you know, a bigger crank. ($20 says The Todd has already ordered this.)

- I almost don't even notice the roaring anymore. Thanks stupid shark movies, you have now sapped my strength to fight scientific inaccuracy. Damn you to hell.

- Have you read any of this Twilight garbage? It's basically 350 pages of teenage angst, with three pages of Vampire/Werewolf action thrown in. And yet, I just finished the second one and, slowly but surely, I would bet you I read the last two just so I know what happens and what has every female from age 13-65 all a twitter. F my life.

- The little two man submersible Parker Lewis and the marine cop was attacked and ripped to shreds. Cop guy dead, other guy trapped hiding in a reef. Good news is now they want Roger Dorn to fire a torpedo to disperse the sharks so he can get out and turn on the oxygen valve and then get back into the lab. This sounds brilliant.

- FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!

- I think the Torpedo just roared.

- Direct hit on a shark, which vaporized, and I'm assuming it was a nuclear torpedo because the blast radius on that sucker would have taken out Hiroshima - again (and it's probably about time, too. They're getting awful uppity). Shark bits are floating all through the water, but naturally Parker Lewis survived. Because he can't lose, you see. It feels like the end, but the Tivo tells me there are fifty minutes left of this. I'm so tired.

- Oh I see. There were so many raging (and roaring) sharks in the school that a lot of them just ran away from the torpedo and now they're coming back. And Parker found the alien canister full of magic socialization liquid, and now they only have ten minutes left of air. Tensions are high. Repeat, tensions are high.

- Ha ha. Remember that dude who was a mechanic and the father of three who Kingpin chick kept trying to get to go swimming with the fishes? He stole the mini-sub from the lab and drove away to the surface, essentially saving himself and dooming the other people. Of course, they didn't bother to think of the mini-sub (which looks like it would fit all six people left). Geniuses I tells ya.

- Oops, now the mini sub is getting battered by the sharks, and movies never reward cowardly intelligent behavior like stealing a mini-sub and stranding your idiot co-workers, so I have a feeling this guy is toast. WHAT ABOUT HIS CHILDREN!??!!

- Yep, he's dead now. Tis a blimmin' shame. He was a brave lad.

- Scientist "Styles" has run some tests on the unknown goo and determined it to be Hydrogen Isotopes charged with thermal neutrons - stable cold fusion fuel. I'm almost positive these are nothing but buzz words thrown together to sound fancy. Hydrogen isotopes are all over the earth, and you can't really charge anything with neutrons because they don't have a charge. At least they have determined it's from outer space. Of course, there's really no reason it would cause Great White Sharks to shrug off years of genetically programmed solitude and suddenly become aggressive, raging pack hunters, but whatever. I know facts aren't important here.

- Styles just got killed by some guy with a knife to the back. And now Roger Dorn just radioed and said that guy's boss has never heard of him. And now he has a machine gun from somewhere, and says he's black ops (DIA!) and tells them they have stumbled into a restricted area and now they will have to die. This movie was pretty bad already, but this plot point just went ahead and took a gigantic dump all over the small amount of dignity this movie had.

- I'm so confused right now. The "black ops" guy has now been ambushed twiced, once by some guy I don't think I've even seen before and then again by Kingpin chick. He's stalking the living people around the undersea lab trying to get the cold fusion thing back I think. I'm not sure who is alive or dead. I also don't know why everything seems to be on fire. And some scary looking chick who I don't remember even seeing before just drown. This thing just needs to end.

- "Black Ops" guy just got ambushed again, this time by Parker Lewis. Christ, if an elite military guy can't avoid three ambushes in fifteen minutes by civilians, what does our regular military do? It's a wonder we don't have tanks blowing each other up.

- You know what I really hate? When I pick a guy like Steve Stricker in fantasy golf early in the week, but then by the time I finalize my group I end up taking him out and then he jumps out to a big lead and is currently leading after three rounds (ok he's actually tied for second but he was in first earlier today).

- I watched Fanboys last night. The movie about Star Wars fans who try to break into Skywalker Ranch to watch the Phantom Menace early because one of their friends has cancer. Good not great. If you are a gigantic Star Wars dork (see Tantive IV reference earlier) like I am, there are a lot of really good in-jokes and references you'll like. If you aren't, like Mrs. W, you don't really need to watch it. You'll chuckle here and there but you won't really enjoy it like a true Star Wars nerd will - Snake you will like it. Can you tell I'm doing everything I can to not pay attention to this crappy shark movie? Maybe I need to just stop doing this.

- He just got ambushed a fourth time, again by Parker Lewis. This dude is lucky nobody has any idea how to finish the job, since they can apparently get the drop on him at will. He's no Stephen Seagal in Under Siege, I'll tell you that much. Perfect opportunity for an Erika Eleniak reference here, but I feel like I've already put too many pictures in here as it is. Google is your friend.

- Did you know Under Siege is the highest grossing movie ever that was not screened for critics? True Story.

- The killed the black ops guy. He was about to chop off Parker's head with an axe but Kingpin lady shot him in the back with a harpoon. He's dead. And we haven't seen a shark in like twenty minutes, roaring, raging, or otherwise. This is crap.

- The guy and the girl are the only two still alive, and they are trapped in a burning lab with no way out and almost no oxygen left, and are huddled up in a corner talking about their feelings more than the characters in those stupid Twilight books. This movie sure got gay in a hurry.

- Oh christ, the aliens just showed up. Now their stupid space ship is in the ocean, and it just deployed some alien guy who somehow got into the lab to get his cold fusion crap back while church music plays in the background. And the aliens look like Predators but they unfortunately don't kill anyone. Yet.

- The aliens used their "powers" to somehow teleport the two not only out of the lab and into the water, but in full scuba suits as well. And, of course, they get picked up by Dorn and his sub. Seriously? That's how you're going to wrap this up? Seriously?

- After a somewhat interesting middle part this movie sure went to crap in a hurry. Aliens, no sharks in the last half hour, and an inexplicable ending that comes from the school of, "Oh crap, I have no idea how to end this. Let's just do something miraculous and set it to angelic type music and maybe people will buy it because they are so distracted by our awesome sharks." Ugh. I might have to retire from doing this. I swear to you I didn't make any of this up.

- Off to Philadelphia tomorrow. I have no idea if I will have time to check in here or not. I'll let you know.

13 comments:

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SSF said...

Fanboys = Time for bed

The second Dawg put this gay ass movie in I rolled over on the couch and went to sleep. Way to ruin my friday night, Dick.

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You need to watch more MTV, F shark movies.

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