Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Stars at Night, are Big and Bright...

*clap clap clap* Deep in the heart, of Texas. And that's where I am, deep in the heart of the asshole of America, Tejas.

Sadly, this is my third time here in the last 18 months or so. The first two times, which if you poke around a little bit you can find my posts from, I was holed up in a small little area, and it could have been pretty much anytown, anywhere (except stupid Irving, Tx is a dry city and there are no liquor stores anywhere so I had to drive all the way to Dallas to buy beer), but this time I'm driving all around the Dallas/Fort Worthless area and let me tell you something - this is the worst city in America, and probably the world (not counting anywhere in France).

Seriously. It's all concrete, and there is nothing whatsoever to look at. We ended up driving through scenic downtown Fort Worth, and the only thing notable about the entire downtown was there was a Bail Bonds place on every corner. Everywhere. We also ended up going to the most Mexican Walmart ever. I've been to the Crenshaw Walmart, and that was pretty terrifying, but this might have been worse. I swear to god I saw a guy with one of those tear drop prison tattoos that means he killed somebody. I spent the whole time there looking over my shoulder, and really got nothing worthwhile out of the trip except to remember to "never ever go there again."

Let's just move on. Never visit Dallas. Just don't do it.

- Hopefully you were able to watch the Cleveland/Orlando game tonight. It was pretty awesome. Lebron was unstoppable, but Orlando came up with the answer again and again, finally winning against the team that was 8-0 in the playoffs and had won every game by double-digits. Forget going up 1-0, forget stealing home court advantage; taking away that aura of invincibility is every bit as important and they did it today, mainly thanks to a rare good shooting night by Rashard Lewis.

Even better is that Lebron was hopping around like he had been shot in the leg after the game. It's already a huge story. Expect to get really, really sick of it soon. I predict this will be just like Tiger at the US Open last year. Every time Lebron misses a shot or turns the ball over he'll grab the knee like he was shot again, but if things are going well you won't see it even affect him. And either way, the press will be all over it.

- I just saw J.A. Happ is going to be replacing Chan Ho Park in the Phillies' rotation. Look out for this kid. If you are a fantasy baseball player pick him up (SIDLER PAY ATTENTION).

- David Otiz finally hit a homerun today, his first in 149 ABs. He got a curtain call from the Boston fans. I really hope it was sarcastic, but based on the average IQ I've seen from the Boston douches I've seen, I doubt it.

- Have you heard of this Stephen Stasburg kid from SDSU? If not, look him up and give it a good read. He sounds like a better version of Mark Prior, and if you remember the press on Prior coming out, you know this kid might be a real life Sydd Finch.

- The Twins suck. And I mean bad. I don't know what's up with that guy who keeps leaving comments, but the pitching is brutally bad. Suddenly my 2003 Tigers comparison seems pretty valid.

I'd really love to write more, but I've had a very long day, and I actually have some work I have to do, so I'm going to sign off. Luckily for you and sucky for me, I have one more night in this hell hole. Stay tuned.


catapult said...

One time my girlfriend told me to touch her some place dirty. So I took her to Fort Worth.

snacks said...

Still with the bit that Tiger was faking at the U.S. Open?? He had a torn ACL and a fractured bone in his leg you retard!

Anonymous said...

You don't have a girlfriend, Catapult.

WWWWWW said...

He didn't have surgery. His handlers realized what an ass he looked like faking it and set the whole story up.

You can convince anybody to do anything with enough cash. The doctors probably wheeled him off and then they all played playstation for 3 hours before the doc came back out and was all like, "Successful surgery."

Optimator said...

At least you aren't in Cleveland.

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