I was going to live blog the game tonight but I got really bored and quit because I had nothing interesting to say and now it's 10:00pm and I'm drunk and tired and angry and need to go to bed. I just wanted to apologize to you people and say I will do my best to step up my game.
But seriously, have you watched this team? They're terrible. And terrible teams are hard to write about. Unless you want to know who sucks. But at this point it's not even fun to point out how bad some of these guys are. Look at tonight's lineup: Matt Tolbert (hitting second), Rene Tosoni, Luke Hughes, and Drew Butera are all involved. Those guys suck. And everybody knows they suck. Management knows they suck. They know they suck. Suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked, indeed. It's not really fun to point that out. I might as well start a blog about how mushrooms are disgusting and anybody who eats them probably needs to be interred in a concentration camp, and I don't really want to do that.
I guess we could talk about Morneau. As in - what the fuck is up with this dude. Do you think it's still a problem from when he whacked his head? Do you think he sometimes gets really drunk and drives out to his old high school baseball field with a shotgun and shoots his old trophies? While crying? Yeah probably. I'd say he should have stuck with hockey but how many crosschecks do you think it would take to send him to la-la land? Kind of like the wise old owl and the tootsie pop, no?
Well I missed this but apparently Rene Tosoni hit a home run tonight. Amazing considering Porcello threw about four balls over the plate. Honest to god Porcello vs. Delmon Young would be the ultimate game of chicken. Kind of like Rebel Without a Cause but instead of the quintessential representation of American cool you get a shitty guy with a rag arm and a cross between a tree trunk and a largemouth bass. With a rag arm.
Do you want to make money? Here's what you do: take no run in the first (both teams) in every Twins game. Take the Twins team total under (usually 3.5 or 4 when it should be 2 or 2.5), and do whatever Snacks says about playoff NBA player props. The no run in the first is money, the Twins team under is money, and Snacks is killing it so far this postseason. He's going to be pissed that I mentioned it because he's going to think he's jinxed now (the same reason he hasn't shared his picks with Bogart - for shame). But he's so good, he can bust through the jinx. Do it.
Good god Christina Aguilera plumped up. I mean, I'd still do all kinds of illegal stuff to and on her, but - and this comes from someone who is ok with a little extra junk in the trunk - it wouldn't exactly kill her to mix in a salad or some veggies. Not mushrooms though. Gross.
I've tried everything I can to break gambling down mathematically and it turns out I fucking suck. I've never been so depressed. Would it be weird if my suicide note was just "I couldn't figure out a mathematical system to beat baseball player props"?
I'm not entirely certain that's the proper placement for that question mark.
You know what pisses me right the fuck off? Crap. I got distracted and then when I came back to type again that previous sentence was sitting there staring at me and I can't remember where I was going with this. Well that's embarrassing.
Wife just told me "I officially hate Blake Shelton." I have no idea who that is.
Year-to-date - Wilson Ramos: .301/.358/.466, 6 doubles, 2 home runs. Christ, even Jose Morales would be a massive upgrade at .231/.323/.308. I just. I just can't understand why you'd completely hamstrimg yourselves when your starting catcher is a a delicate little flower and you know damn well that he is. I'm fine with Butera as your back-up. Hell I love the little guy as a back-up because I want my back-up catcher to be a defensive whiz and there's no doubt Butera fits that bill. But I want him my major league back-up knowing there's somebody who can actually hit the ball in AAA I can call up if my starter gets hurt. Trading both Ramos and Morales was lunacy. Just lunacy. It's something Dawger would do.
Note: Dawger and Bogart split a fantasy baseball team in the same league Snake and I have a team in. They're 0-5. hahahahahahahahahhahahaahahahaaha.
Well I certainly wasn't expected this to turn into an actual post. Way to go booze. You haven't let me down yet, except for all those times when you did.
Shoutout to Kate J. for a nice care package. I don't know that Buffalo Wing flavored sunflower seeds will work, but the idea is beyond solid and worth a shot. Also Jaws 2 trading cards? Yes please. My only critiscism is how could you include Growing Pains trading cards and not at least have a Boner card? Weak.
Speaking of Jaws have I told you guys about the sweet dream I had the other night? I was drinking beer and smoking cigarettes while watching a brand new Jaws movie and getting a handjob from Mila Kunis. Best. Dream. Ever. Only thing missing was buffalo wings (specifically either spicy garlic wings from BWW or cajun wings from anywhere that realizes cajun spice doesn't just mean salt), but no complaints. Honestly I was a little pissed when I woke up. I did that thing where you immediately try to fall back asleep to get back into your dream. Didn't work.
I don't think I'm writing about sports anymore.
Have I ever told you guys that Brian Butch's agent keeps trying to get me take this picture off my blog:
I feel like this is similar to the old shit I used to do when I used to travel a lot for work. You know, back when this blog was good (or less bad). Hopefully this post doesn't suck or it might be the end of the beginning of the end. Oh who am I kidding. I'm done. In multiple ways. But not done with Brian Butch pictures! Ha ha, crossdresser! I win!