Mega Piranhas? (Live movie blog)

Tonight is weird. Due to circumstances not worth getting into here I am currently without internet or TV of any kind, cable or otherwise. What I do have, however, is a working DVD player, a DVD of the smash hit "Mega Piranha", and some beers. Let's see what kind of magic we can make, shall we?

- Right away I'm going to tell you that I'm very concerned about this movie based on the cover. Since I don't have an internet connection (I'm typing this on Word and will paste it into blogger later) I can't paste it in here, so let me try to describe it......it's a giant f*cking piranha eating an aircraft carrier, with several other piranhas of the "mega" variety that appear to be flying through the air. So, to recap, it appears this movie might feature piranhas the size of a city block that can fly. Optimistic, I am not.

- What I'm hoping this movie might be about is Nick Punto, Lew Ford, Jason Tyner, Luis Castillo, and Jason Bartlett combining to form one, Voltron-like mega-piranha. Ozzie Guillen would have a heart attack.

- I will also tell you that I have had to restart this twice already to get it to work. That does not bode well. It seems to be working now, except for the fact that for some reason I’m seeing a meteor from outer space fall to earth and cause mass destruction. They already did this in Raging Sharks, a movie of which you can find a live blog of right on this very site.

- False alarm. I’m actually watching the preview for Meteor Apocolypse, which once again proves I’m an idiot. I also have no plans to watch Meteor Apocolypse. I also can’t spell Apocolypse. We’re off to a great start.

- Before we get started I want to mention something genius Dan Gladden said on tonight’s radio broadcast. Thome was up in a 3-2 game in the 8th, and apparently they had some kind of wicked shift on as usual and so he tried to bunt. Gladden said he had talked to Thome, who had said he would try that if the team ever needed a base runner. Gladden said, “We don’t need a base runner, we need a home run.”

Dan Gladden, the same guy who is always harping on and on about manufacturing runs and getting on base and blah blah blah, just completely contradicted himself. I don’t know why I would expect anything less.

- We’re starting this movie at the Orinoco River, which looks like a cross between paradise and hell – like Jamaica. I’m not some fancy scientist so I can’t tell you where the Orinoco River is, but based on the actors here speaking Mexican, I’m going to assume it’s in South America.

- Some little Chiquita banana chick just got eaten by what I can only assume are piranhas, but it was just like straight up normal piranhas, which rarely if ever attack humans, preferring to dine on smaller animals and fish and carrion when available. Now we cut to the credits, which seem to be trying to show some kind of mutant cells, only it looks more like somebody playing Asteroids.

- Jesus the music in this movie is intense already. I feel like we’re at the climax already and we’re only three minutes in. This is clearly not a John Williams production. And speaking of that, when is Jaws going to come out on Blu-ray? I got a Blu-ray player, and the thing is freakin’ sweet and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves looks like I’m actually in the middle ages firing and queer-ass Celts with my sweet longbow, but we can’t get one of the best movies of all-time, which is just begging for the HD treatment, on Blu-ray? Who’s in charge over there, Ron Gardenhire?

- So credits role, and now we’re back to the Orinoco River (which they had to tell us again) except now we’re on a boat with a bunch of fat creepy old men and Latina chicks with no bikini tops (note: far less exciting then the description makes it sound). Also, I might be wrong on this but I can’t look it up for sure, but aren’t piranhas basically localized to the Amazon and that’s it? I would question myself, but since this is a SyFy movie with “Mega” in the title I’m going to go ahead and trust myself.

- The piranhas just chewed through the boat and sunk it in order to dine on sweet, sweet human flesh and latina breasts. Still, again, regular piranhas. Followed again by intense music. Good god. And there is that guy from the Brady Bunch. I think he was the older brother. He’s some CIA guy who just sent some Bourne wannabe to the Orinoco River to “check out what happened” since one of the creepy old pervs was a US diplomat or some such. Still following? Me neither. And we’re 11 minutes in.

- Hey Tiffany is in this! Like, “I think we’re alone now” Tiffany, who is playing a genetic engineer in a brilliant bit of casting. First Debbie Gibson in Megashark vs. Giant Octopus (also blogged here somewhere) and now Tiffany? They both did Playboy too. I heard from someone. I wouldn’t know. Didn’t look up the pics online at all. Didn’t even know the internet had that kind of thing. It was invented so researchers at different institutions could share their findings, pervs. You guys corrupt everything.

- Little bit of explanation here. Seems these piranhas have been genetically engineered, but something has gone wrong and they are now doubling in size approximately every 36 hours. This would probably explain the DVD cover. This movie is dropping plot points on us at a very rapid pace. I can hardly keep up.

- I was talking to a friend of mine today, and somehow taking food into a movie theater came up. He told me he’s taken a burrito from Chipotle into a theater before, as well as Subway and Jimmy John’s. I get the sandwiches, that’s actually genius, but does it seem really weird to anybody else to take a gigantic burrito, the size of a mega piranha after 72 hours, into a movie theater? Am I the weird one here?

- Tiffany explains they genetically altered the food supply to something something something and now one of the piranha groups grew too aggressive and too big and have no either been escaped or been stolen. She’s also a terrible actress.

- Do you guys remember when The Todd used to comment here all the time? And he even posted once in a while and had some pretty good random thoughts from The Todd when he got drunk on random afternoons? What ever happened to that guy? When Klinger ran off to Europe did it break his heart? Does he now spend his time sitting by the window, watching the rain fall and matching it’s drops with the tears running down his face, playing I Think We’re Alone Now on his recorder he stole from seventh grade music class?

- The fake Jason Bourne guy, let’s call him Lew Ford, now has to sneak around because the government of whatever hell hole country this is won’t let him investigate. The guy said why but it was in foreign and I wasn’t paying attention enough to read the subtitles. Stupid fancy artsy film.

- I don’t remember if this Brady Bunch guy is the one who turned out to be gay or the one who was sleeping with Marsha. Can’t get much further apart than that.

- Lew Ford just got attacked by a piranha! Not sure if it was Punto or Tyner.

- Oh. My. God. Nick Punto just jumped out of the water to attack Lew Ford while he was standing on shore. Like flying through the air. Then he stabbed it and killed it. Then, to get back, he got back in the water to get to his boat. To recap, after seeing giant, blood-thirsty piranha in the water, including one that was so aggressive it came after him like Nick Punto sliding into first, he got back in the water to swim to his boat. I’ve watched a lot of bad movies, and usually they are enjoyable on some level, but this one is basically unwatchable.

- Tiffany examines the carcass, and reports that they have two hearts. I don’t have a comment here, just wanted to toss that in just in case you didn’t think this movie was ridiculous enough.

- That colonel guy’s plan to deal with the piranhas? Take a helicopter and alternately fire missiles and machine guns into the river. Who wrote this, a four year old?

- You want a prediction on what else they’ll ruin? I read earlier today that dirt scientists found the intact skeleton of a prehistoric whale-like creature that was sixty feet long with razor sharp teeth over a foot long. Pretty badass, right? Well there’s some clown right now churning out a script for “Mega-Whale” or “Super Killer Whale” where one of these ends up being unthawed from a glacier and still alive, and then probably grows legs and invades Manhattan. Like Jason, but less gay.

- Uh oh. The missiles only killed 35 specimens, not nearly enough. Who would have thought that indiscriminately firing weapons into a gigantic river wouldn’t have got everything?

- Somebody just got eaten by piranhas, but honestly I have no idea who or why he was in the water. Let’s just assume they flew (much like the classic, Piranha II: The Spawning, a DVD I just acquired for free, possibly coming to a blog near you).

- I haven’t commented on the special effects yet, but as you would imagine they are poor. The piranhas appear to be cardboard cut outs in most cases, similar to Matt Tolbert playing shortstop.

- I don’t know exactly why, but Brady Bunch guy just told Lew Ford, “We’ve got to keep those scientists safe!” but he said it with the same inflection and passion that Joe Mauer shows in his commercials. Seriously, if I had to pick one thing that was the best in this movie out of plot, effects, acting, or writing, I’d just shoot myself in the calf.

- Should we talk about the free agency thing in the NBA that’s going on right now? It’s pretty frickin’ fun, at least. I can’t remember holy crap Tiffany has a large chest a single offseason that was ever close to this in terms of interestinglyness. And of course, we get the Wolves, who bring over some Eurodork and then sign Darko for 4 years and 20 million.

I was hoping they would resign him, because he must have some talent in there somewhere to have been drafted second overall (before Wade, Bosh, and Carmelo – oof) and he did seem to blossom somewhat once Rambis gave him actual playing time, but I’m not sure about this contract. I think four years is fine, and I think 5 million per is fine, but I’m not sure about them altogether. I think maybe 2 years/10 mil or 4 years 12 million makes a lot more sense.

We’ll see. This could end up being brilliant.

- I can’t really adequately describe this, but a piranha just leapt threw the air and impaled itself upon a lighthouse trying to eat someone. A lighthouse. A big, giant, normal sized lighthouse. So yes, my fears from the DVD cover appear to be accurate.

- Ok, now, smaller piranhas, about the size of a 42 inch television, just started jumping out of the river to eat Lew Ford. However, he was lying on his back, and he was able to bicycle kick them away. I’m rewinding so I can count how many. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Twelve. Lionel Messi would be proud. And this movie is even taking place in Argentina (I think). Poetic justice. Assuming I’m right and Messi is from Argentina. There is a large chance I’m wrong.

- According to some dirtball looking scientist guy, these piranhas will be the size of a rhinoceros in 8 hours. Um, dude, I don’t know if you saw that one get spitted by a lighthouse, but they’re way bigger than that. Unless SyFy saw fit to introduce a plot point that didn’t fit with the rest of the movie or what, you know, we actually see on screen. That can’t be right.

- God damn word is now effing with my post trying to format it into bullets. If this looks weird it’s not my fault.

- Do you want to know what’s awesome? I am now in possession of a Matt Wieters autographed baseball thanks to awesome reader Kate. The rest of you slouches could take a lesson from her and start sending me some kick-ass stuff, instead of just assuming you’re entitled to free entertainment. Typical Americans. Plus, bacon-flavored sunflower seeds. Bacon. Flavored. Sun. Flower. Seeds.

- Lew Ford: “This just got real.” Indeed, my friend, indeed. It’s been real from the beginning. There’s a car chase right now. I’d tell you why but I have no idea. And Lew Ford keeps talking in some deep, fakey, super serious voice. I want to punch him.

- Uh oh. They just showed an aircraft carrier. I fear it is going to be eaten by Luis Castillo and friends.

- You know how creature movies on Sci Fi can’t ever let the conflict just be about the monster? And how they always have to create outside conflict? In this one, it’s the Argentinian (?) military against the scientists, and I haven’t really been able to figure out why, but now the military guys are actively hunting the scientists through the swamps of South American and are trying to kill them. It’s like the catholic church versus Galileo, but with stupid people.

- I just got distracted playing Family Feud on Facebook (thanks Nutter) since I found a rogue internet connection, but right now we have tidal waves the size of the one that killed that one state due to huge piranhas which have apparently made their way to the ocean. I can only assume this means they’ve acquired the ability to breath salt water. I’d love to rip the science in this movie, as per usual, but they haven’t even made an attempt to make any kind of sense at all. Of any kind.

- Seriously this is the worst thing ever. Now that I think about it, they never even bothered to explain their “genetic experiment.” So the whole crux of this movie, a genetic experiment gone wrong, was explained as “a genetic experiment gone wrong.” They gave us nothing. At least attempt to explain. Even Malibu Shark Attack, the worst movie ever for science (as seen on this very blog) made an attempt. Poor form, Mega Piranha, poor form.

- Tiffany: “They have three stomachs.” No explanation or theory as to why that would be any kind of advantage, no explanation as to why that would happen, no nothing. I’m not asking for much, really I’m not, but you could at least make an effort.

- Jesus this cat sitting on my leg just farted. That is rank.

- I don’t expect a lot of science from these, obviously, but one of the best parts of watching this crap is ripping on their stupid science. But they don’t even bother here. They give us no plot, no science, no good acting or writing – nothing. This might seem counterintuitive, but at least the older ones made an attempt at something. It might have been bad (it was), it might have sucked (it did), it might not have made sense (it didn’t’), but this movie gives me nothing. It’s just garbage. I hope this isn’t what we can expect from SyFy going forward. If you’re going to make stupid retarded movies like this, you have to give the weirdos who secretly like them (hi) something to grab on to. This had nothing. It just made me want to kill myself.

- They just shot a nuclear warhead at Matt Macri and friends. Apparently it just made them bigger because they just ate a submarine, a submarine that looked like a toy next to them. Because it was. Jesus, I can take Wonderbaby’s toys and make a better movie than this.

- New plan: Let’s make one of them bleed, and the others will turn on him. I’m not sure if it’s the beer or this movie sucking the brain out of me, but I seriously can’t come up with words.

- I’m fast-forwarding. This is the worst movie ever. This makes Sharks in Venice (which you can find on this weblog) look like Groundhog Day (best movie ever).

- The piranhas are now the size of airplanes. Also what’s awesome is every time one of them jumps into a hotel (don’t ask) it immediately bursts into flames. It’s like a Michael Bay movie.

- You know how we’re going to fix this? Navy Seals. Because nothing says doom for a giant school of 80-foot long aggressive fish with giant teeth like humans with pop guns. Not to be confused with Ice Cube and George Clinton’s bop gun.

- Fast forwarding. How long is this movie, like 800 minutes?

- I think I just saw a lightsaber. Not going to rewind. Makes the movie better.

- Here’s how they win: Lew Ford shot one with an underwater bop gun. It bled. They went into a feeding frenzy and, apparently, they all ate each other. Not making this up.

- Roll credits. Wow.

- I’d do a wrap-up here, but wow. Brutal. No words.