Monday, February 11, 2008

Balls of Fury



I have decided to review the epic picture Balls of Fury as my first post for WWWWW. I rented this crapper at the behest of Momma Dawger aka Soiux Fan. She has the 3rd worse taste in movies behind her sister who ironically recommended this film to Soiux Fan and Snake.

Soiux Fan's sister's movie recommendation resume includes box office smashes such as Bench Warmers and Nacho Libre. Snake has recommended turds such as Super Troopers, Crash (not the academy award winning version but the movie starring Super Perv James Spader in which he intentionally gets into car accidents and then makes love to the wounds in his woman's body). and Van Wilder part II the Rise of Taj.

Anyways back to the review. Balls of Fury is about this prodigy (raging Nerd)Ping Pong player named Randy Daytona. He ends up choking in the finals against against an East German homo wearing a wrestling singelet. So far absolutely nothing remotely funny has happened.

Fast forward 19 years and Randy Daytona has morphed into a 5'4" super chubby Nerd with long wild hair, sports a head band and likes to rock. He is a very poor man's version of Jack Black. He does the same schtick but it is way less funny. Thats
saying a lot because I think Jack Black sucks worse then Dane Cook.

I was fooled into thinking that this movie might be redeemed by Christopher Walken's character (who doesn't show up until the movie's midpoint) but I was wrong again. Walken mails in his performance because even he could tell that there wasn't anything that would save this miserable movie. Memo to Chris Walken : Start reading the script before agreeing to do any old movie that comes your way.

The Ping Pong scenes were so outrageous because there was no getting around Randy Daytona and his short, stubby, fat legs and arms could be good at anything other then playing video games and smoking pot. Then the movie went completely overboard when the smoking hot Asian chick somehow falls in love with this squatty misfit. It was disgusting. I'm sure in hind sight she wishes she would have broke into hollywood the old fashioned way and done porn.

I won't bore you with any more details from this crap box movie. I will also warn you that there isn't enough booze or pot in the world to make this movie enjoyable. I highly recommend avoiding this movie at all costs. You will never look at Ping Pong or hot Asian chicks the same.


22 comments:

Ebert and Roeper said...

Worst blog ever. Fire this turd asap. More blogs from the hockey guy!

Glenn Cowan said...

What's next a review of dumb and dumber. Way to tackle the tough movies from the start! We really needed this review to realize that Balls of Fury would suck. Thanks, because I was actually sitting in my underwear this morning thinking about how I wanted to go rent Balls of Fury later today and you just saved me $3. Telling us This movie sucked is like telling someone a Woody Allen movie sucks....everyone already knows! geez!

Dawg said...

Ebert - I wish you would have died instead of Siskel. You were fatter and knew less about movies and obviously can't appreciate a quality review.

Ebert said...

Don't hate me because I wear my fat better than You. I have more movie knowledge in my left hand then you have in your entire body.

P.S. I killed Siskel because he was an anchor and gave that turd of a movie Forrest Gump a thumbs up. Worse movie than Balls of Fury!

P.S.S. Transformers ruled....loser!

Anonymous said...

This blog just hit rock bottom! Thanks WWWWWWWWWWW, another reader lost!

Optimus Prime said...

Who thought Transformers sucked??? Granted it is an action movie, but I thought it was good. You don't expect casablanca when you see a movie like transformers. Get a clue.

Supertrooper said...

You hit the nail on the head. Randy Daytona is a poor mans Jack Black. And lets be honest there is nothing more rock bottom then that.
Walken was the only possible chance of this movie not sucking, but it did.

PS. Transformers blew

Sgt. Dan said...

I was in Forrest Gump and even I think it is the worst movie EVER made.

Life is like a box of chocolates. What a tard

Dawg said...

Sgt. Dan - Did you get demoted? When I saw the movie you were a leuitenant? You must be back on the sauce.

The man formally known as leuitenant Dan said...

I was demoted after I lost my legs. It sucks

I'm Walken said...

phhh....Balls of fury was great. You are all a bunch of ass clowns who have shit taste in movies. Supertroopers is a classic, Forrest Gum a saint. Jack Black is probably the greatest actor of our generation. What is wrong with you people. Get a clue

Shaking My Head said...

Hey did you guys know that Nacho Lebri was really bad also. If not, I am sure our new "critic" will be breaking down that shit sandwich for us soon.

Hey Movie Man, how about you actually review a movie that is in the theaters instead of a rental thats been reviewed 1000's of times on the internet? Just a thought.

P.S. We also know "The Replacements" with Keanu Reeves is bad. I am sure you watched it on TBS last weekend, so I am just saving all DWG readers from your blog.

na said...

I thought Randy Daytona was hot.

woz said...

Wow, what a crap box post. Nothing exciting, not wit and all around boring. Ripping on fat people is not funny - unless of course the fat person is W his sophmore through senior year at UMD.

Woz's Crazy Eye said...

I agree with the rest of my body. What a soiled diaper! This "blog" makes me pray the rest of my wozness goes and gets f'ed up on JD after work so I can forget he used me to read this review.

Honestly Dawg, for a guy who was once a professional at Blockbuster you know nothing about Movies or how to review them.

Dawg said...

I haven't seen anyone take a beating like this since 2002 when 3guys took turns hitting Bogart's giant clown nose in Green Bay.

I'm waiving the white flag. Enough is enough.

3 Guys From Green Bay said...

Dawg, You begging for Mercy is the first descent thing you have ever posted on this blog. The problem is we still have to look at his used tampon of a post you typed yesterday. Until it is down or you redeem yourself with some better material the beating will continue. P.S. Can you get a better picture also?

Golf guy where is your recap of VJ pissing down his leg?

thank god for dawg said...

Thanks dawg I was actually going to rent this movie tonight and now I will refrain. Thanks for the funny insight. I dont want to have my love of asian chicks tainted by some dumb movie Christopher Walken did cause he lost a bet.

Ps. you let your girlfriend pick out movies? Mistake #1 my friend, mistake #1.

Dawg said...

Your welcome TGFD! If my post could save 1 person for the torture of Balls of Fury then post served its purpose.

The surrender is off. I stand by my brilliant post 110%.

awesome said...

oh this blog sucks so bad but look at all the comments?
hmmmm.......

Theory said...

I thought it was a good post. If people don't want to read a movie review, skip the post! Nobody's forcing you to read it. And just like "awesome" said, look how many comments it got, so it's obvious people wanted to read it.

Hire dawg said...

Theory gets it. This blog was good! We needed SOMETHING diffrent. I was growing quit tiresome with the same old stats and North Dakota jokes. It was refreshing to see something diffrent and actually funny.

Good job Dawg