Saturday, October 20, 2007

Shutup

Well, it's time to live blog the baseball game. I just finished watching Transformers - which fuckin' A rocked by the way, and I"m ready to blog off the Tivo machine. It's the top of the third, and it's 4-1 sox which sucks, but hopefully the rest of the game is awesome.

10:10 - The only thing I know about this game is that JD Drew hit a grandslam for those four runs, and all the faggy Boston fans should not be allowed to cheer. You all bitched and bitched and bitched about my friend's friend JD Drew who almost played softball with me once, and now he comes through for you and you dipshits are now going to be all happy and worship him. God I hate Bill Simmons and the Red Sox. I just hate 'em.

10:11 - The other thing I know is that as my Tivo starts and it's top of third with two outs and two on for Hafner and I'd solidly bet twenty bucks right now this homo strikes out.

10:15 - Hafner bounces out to first. Nice job dipshit. Way to have an awesome ALCS. You're hitting .200 for the playoffs. Miss those steroids a bit? Ass.

10:18 - Hafner's OPS+ the previous three years: 162, 168, 179. This season: 118. Wonder when he stopped taking the roids. Nice season. And his nickname is apparently "Pronk." Sounds kinda gay. Like, hey Vic Martinez, meet me behind the third base dugout later and I'll Pronk ya.

10:22 - Rbi single for my man JD Drew. It's not fair that retarded Boston fans are all like "Jah Dah Drah is the Mahn." I don't know, that was pretty weak but the point is that Boston fans are complete idiots. Good city though. Although they don't have public bathrooms. Seriously, in Boston you have to buy something from a shop and then they give you a token so you can use the bathroom. I really wish I was making this up. Also, this game better not get boring.

10:25 - Carmona is out. You know what's funny? It should have been obvious Carmona couldn't handle a game like this. He was a worse closer than LaTroy Hawkins, so how could he handle the pressure of an elimination game? Maks sense.

10:27 - Okay, Jacoby Ellbury is up. All of Boston and Tim McCarver have a hardon for this guy, so I'm going to base my opinion of him on this atbat.

10:28 - RBI single. Turns out I'm a huge fan. Nice job Cleveland.

10:29 - Double down the line to score two. This fuckin' Mexican can't get anybody out. You know who would have made that play though? Nick Punto. He's so fucking good. 8-1 Boston. I'm not even sure why I'm watching. Boston has a freakin' 16 year old hitting.

10:31 - Actually, it's not a 16 year old, it's Dustin Pedroia, and this guy walks him like he was Ted Williams. This sucks. I can guarantee I'm fast forwarding the Tivo at some point.

10:34 - I'm going to assume by keeping this homo in, the Indians are just throwing the game at this point. This guy sucks.

10:35 - I refuse to believe this happened. Youkilis doinks one off the wall, gets caught in a rundown, and then dipshit McGee second baseman throws to first to get him out and instead hits him in the damn helmet. I only have two beers left and I was going to try to pace myself but I think the smart move is to just down them as fast as I can and try to pass out real quick.

10:38 - I fast forwarded a little. It seems people got out. I'm going to leave it on +1 fast forward while I go to the bathrorm and get a beer. Hopefully something good happens.

10:42 - I'm back and it's still 10-2. Clearly the whole "ignore it and it'll get better" thing didn't work. Anybody ever had a bison burger? I'm grilling some up tomorrow and I"m looking forward to it.

10:43- I think the announcers just tried to teach me the history of rowing. I ignored it and ate a burrito instead. F-you learning!

10:45 - I also think I did pretty well on my college football bets. I know Arkansas, Iowa St, Wake, and somebody else I can't remember won. That's good. This game is boring.

10:46 - Precious little Ellsbury got out on a diving catch. I will guarantee you Simmons writes an article and finds a way to credit Ellsbury with this win. Guaranteed. And also doesn't credit Drew. Also guaranteed.

10:48 - Did I ever tell you about the time I was at Fenway and Schilling pitched really well? Yeah, well....that's pretty much teh whole story.

10:49 - Casey Blake is up. Funny story about Blake. Former Twin. Third baseman. Could we have used him? I'm glad you asked.

In 2000, the Twins grabbed him off waivers from the Blue Jays. Then in Sept 2001, the Orioles took him. In October of the same year, the Twins took him back. I'm not even kidding. So they clearly liked him. However, just over one year later, the Twins released him. Blake played for Edmonton in AAA that season, and hit .309 with 19 HRs and an OPS of .871. Yet the Twins got rid of him. He signed with the Indians for $330K. That's it. I'm going to assume Terry Ryan was having an affair with his secretary that season because why the hell else would that happen.

In case you're curious, the seasons since Blake was let go:

2003: Blake OPS .723 , Koskie .845(Blake's first season as a starter, relax.)
2004: Blake .840, Koskie .837
2005: Blake .746, Cuddyer .752 (this was when he played third, also the year the Twins were last in the majors in runs scored. nice.)
2006: Blake .835, Punto .725
2007: Blake .776, Punto .562

So, I guess, really not that the Twins needed Blake, but more like how Punto sucks. You should do a search on Punto and read about how he had THE WORST FUCKING SEASON IN THE HISTORY OF BASEBALL. Ignore all the drinking in that post. The point is sound.

11:00 - Weird that Hafner would strike out. Fifty bucks says he hits up his HGH dealer at some point tonight. Also, this game is boring.

11:04 - Hey Snacks, remember when I said Schilling would lay the hammer on the Indians and give up nothing tonight? Remember that? Don't you ever, EVER, doubt me again.

11:07 - Please let Drew hit a homerun here.

11:09 - F you Simmons. F you.

11:12 - Hey it's 10-2. I care.

11:16 - None of this crap will matter after Dice-K melts down in game 7. Go back to Commieland, Commie!

11:17 - Ellsbury just embarrassed himself against whatever lefy is pitching for the Indians. I haven't seen a lefty look that bad since Snacks played Town Ball with me.

11:18 - Seriously, you know it's true.

11:19 - I can't wait til they bring in Beckett in relief in game seven. He's going to get shelled. He's a very good big game pitcher, I'm fairly certain he's no Mordecai Brown.

11:22 - If Hafner or Sizemore decided to hit, at all, this would be a better series.

11:24 - Curt Schilling is saying something. I'm goinmg t assume it's about he's tough and the team is tough and the franchise is tough and it's one day at a time and it's do or die and you can't take anything for granted. Seriously, this is boring. When is game 7?

11:25 - Also, I just want you to understand that Nick Punto had the
WORST SEASON IN THE HISTORY OF BASEBALL EVER, ever. Since Abner Doublneday or Alexander Cartwright invented baseball, whoever it was, nobody has had as poor a season as Nick Punto. I bet Maddog loves that guy.

11:28- You know, down 10-2, with first base open and Manny up, if Cleveland was ever going to bean him, this would be the time.

11:28 - Instead he hits a sac fly. I guess they weren't nearly as pissed as the media made it sound like. Weird. I've never known the media to be wrong.

11:29 - I'm fast forwarding but everybody keeps gettng on base. You should rent tranformers. I bet Optimus Prime could kick your ass.

11:31 - It's weird that Hafner would get out. He better have already dialed his supplier for game 7.

11:32 - They just showd DiceK in the dugout and I'm pretty sure he was thinking "this sucks please don't win don't want to pitch again scared and want to go home." Yep, he's going down faster than your mom.

11:35 - Game over. Fag Sox win. I'd like to dedicate this live blog to jesus. Witout him, none of this could have been possible.

11:47 - If the gay sox win, and I have to read a Bill Simmons column about them winning, I'm simply going to snap and most likely kill someone close to me. I hate the Red Sox more than a fat kid loves cake. I also just mixed schnapps, creme de menthe, and coffee liqour. Wont' someone run an intervention or call somebody?

12:05 - I'm going to be in Michigan Monday night. I'm going to assume I'm going to be drunk, likely belligerent, and hopefully all posty. When is game 7? Please let it be Monday.

12:07 - That's just dumb. Game seven is on sunday when everybody is stupid and cares about football and simpsons. Should have saved it for Monday, deproving everyone of a post on here and I'm going t stop postig now.

5 comments:

M. Greenwell said...

See, much better. Which group of fans do fans do you find more insufferable, Yankees or Sox? Personally, and I never thought I would say this, I would rather have the Yankees win.
Buffalo Burgers. Trying to reduce that cholesterol level?

P.S. Dice-K is Japanese, ass.

snacks said...

I would just like to point out to all of the faithful readers of this blog, that WWWWWWW is starting LenDale White today against me in fantasy football. On a related note, he also just offered Peyton Manning for Reggie Bush.

Anonymous said...

What a complete phony. What's next? Is snacks going to come on here next week and tell us that you secretly love B. Simmons and you religiously listen to P.A. & Dubay.

Dale Jr. said...

WWWWWWW, what size Red Sox jersey are you ordering sellout. My guess is XXXL.

Also, Al backs up WWWWW claim that snacks is a terrible town ball player. According to Al, Ellsbury swing in game 6 actaully looked like good compared to the cuts snacks would take.

Anonymous said...

Transformers huh, people who actually enjoy that kind of movie are usually geeks with too much time on their hands, considering you write a blog and talk about it must make you like princess or queen geek. Also judging by your girth the full title must be Queen of the Chubby Geeks, local chapter 16. loser