Going to be flipping between the Twins and the NBA Finals tonight, so might as well write some random stuff while doing those things.
- First off, I know we are all very excited about our little Byron Buxton and the just promoted to double-A Miguel Sano and with good reason. Buxton is hitting .350/.444/.578 with 8 triples, 7 homers, and 26 steals while playing amazing defense and Sano hit .330/.424/.655 with 16 home runs in 56 games before his promotion. No doubt these guys are crushing it and, assuming nothing significantly changes, both will be rated as top 10 prospects in all of baseball when next year's rankings come out. It's very, very awesome, but the hype train might want to back up just a hair.
On the radio today I heard both Dubay and PA spout complete inanities about these guys (and yes, they are two of the biggest dummies when it comes to baseball among all people who have a public voice so I know they're almost going to say something stupid, but this just really bugged me). Dubay's big call was that Sano would be a September call-up this year, which is wrong for two reasons. First, you never go from A-ball to the major leagues in one season, it just doesn't happen unless somebody can prove me wrong but I'm sure it's extremely rare. Even if he finishes the year tearing up AA like he did A I just can't see it happening. Secondly, the money issue. It's moot if he ends up starting 2014 in the majors, which I could see happening but kind of doubt it after Aaron Hicks started so slowly this year, but if they call him up in September guess what? That major league service time clock gets going a year early. The Twins are no longer cheap, but that doesn't mean they want to start giving out big money contracts a year early. Won't happen.
The far more egregious and stupid comment came from PA which is something I assume we are all accustom to at this point, in that he said Buxton should be in the majors RIGHT NOW. He also said if Buxton had started the year in the majors (yes this year) he would be as good or better than Aaron Hicks so far. I'm not even going to start to break this doubt because it would be an insult to all of us, but I just don't get the PA popularity. His knowledge of sports is extremely limited to NFL-only and he's only ok with that, his interview skills are subpar, and his personality is grating and annoying. Yet, when I was listening to a Vikings game on the radio with a group of people one time somebody said, "Man I love PA" and then somebody else said "He's the best" and then everybody agreed. I just don't get it. Is it the raging homerism thing? Do people love a homer announcer? He's an idiot and a jackass and is stupid. It's so confusing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm living in some kind of weird dream world and this isn't real life.
- One other thing that's kind of getting lost in the Buxton/Sano hype is that Eddie Rosario was also promoted to AA along with Sano. Rosario may not have the hype of the other two, but he's a pretty big deal and ranks consistently in the top 5 or top 10 on most Twins prospect lists, and is becoming even more valuable after his conversion from outfield to second base which, based on being promoted here, is likely going well. He can hit (.329/.377/.527 this year) and if he can field at the 4-spot he may be the guy to finally fill that second base hole that's been on this team seemingly since Rod Carew. Hurry up, Eddie, I can't take much more Brian Dozier.
- Since I've been typing I've now seen Josh Willingham, Justin Morneau, and Oswaldo Arcia absolutely drill balls back-to-back-to-back off Cole Hamels and it makes one wonder - what is up with that dude? Long time readers may remember that Hamels was my boyfriend for a while, but he's just been brutal this year. Thing is, I can't find a single thing you can point to and say "that's the problem." He's practically been the exact same pitcher this year as he's always been. The only difference at all is batters are making more contact than usual when they swing at pitches in the strike zone (84% vs. 82%), he's given up more infield hits (16% vs. 11%), and more fly balls he's given up are going out of the park (13% vs. 11.5%). All of that says his results have been more the result of a fluke than anything significant going on with him. Then I see him basically put it on a tee for four straight Twin batters and I wonder if he's just making more mistakes this year - the higher contact rates in the zone and homer/flyball rates could back that up. So, I guess I'm not sure yet what's his deal. What am I, Galileo?
- I actually had someone tell me they thought That's My Boy was a really good and funny movie. No I didn't punch him immediately in the neck but only because we were at softball and we are on the same team and that would have caused all kinds of issues, but I kind of wanted to.
- Speaking of movies, I caught a little bit of Reign of Fire recently, which is that movie with Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey about dragons in a post apocalyptic world. It's mostly a terrible movie, but Bale and McConaughey both rock and obviously dragons are like the bomb and stuff so every time I see it I ended up staying on the channel at least long enough to see a dragon fight and quite often end up watching the entire rest of the movie. So if you're a fan of dragons and/or hot guys you should totally check it out on your netflix or hulu or whatever people watch stuff on these days.
- The fact that Lebron James hasn't developed a true post game yet drives me crazy - almost as much as his constant bitching. After the success of having him play the 4 in the Finals last year after Bosh got hurt he had to know they were going to be doing it a lot this season, but still he didn't develop any kind of offensive post moves. I mean yeah he's still effective posting up and finding shooters or cutters, but his offensive game on the block is to put it on the floor and drive to the hoop. Sure that works sometimes and he can get to the line that way as well, but can you imagine him with a turnaround jumper or a little jump hook or something? I know it seems silly to criticize someone who just put up a season where he averaged 27, 8, & 7 while shooting 57%, but man, what if he had an actual post game? That's fairly terrifying, in a boner inducing way. Pretty sure he'd still bitch about everything though.
- Wow the Spurs are just daring Lebron to take jumpers. Seems to be working since he just bricked a wide open three.
- Should be a very interesting U.S. Open. From what I've heard the rough will be rough, but tons of rain will make the greens incredibly soft and slow so you'll see a whole lot of conservative play off the tee (to keep in in the fairway) and then aggressive shots into the green. Sounds like a recipe for an awfully low winning score, which the U.S. Open hates, but there are three par-3s over 235 yards which is going to equalize things a bit, as well as only two par-5s to keep scores in check. I know a lot of people like to say stuff like "I like it better when it's super tough because then the cream really rises to the top" but really the last few winners when the winning score was even or worse were Webb Simpson, Graeme McDowell, Angel Cabrera, Geoff Ogilvy, and Michael Campbell while the last few winners at -5 or better are Rory McIlroy, Jim Furyk, Tiger Woods, Ernie Els, Lee Janzen, and Payne Stewart. I mean, that's a pretty clearly better second grouping, right? Just proves my theory that people are idiots. Man, I got a lot of evidence for that theorem. I'll probably be in a magazine soon.
- Wow Lebron has just been terrible. Kawhi Leonard refusing to let him drive by giving him the jumper and James can't hit anything. He's 2-11 from the field right now and if it wasn't for the incredible, incomparable Mike Miller being 5-5 from three this one would be over already. And now that's 2-12, and he's whining to the ref. I think I hate this guy.
- Oh yeah, and I don't have any favorites for the U.S. Open yet. I need to take a look at a few things before I give you your good futures bets, but without spending too much time on it I think Steve Stricker and Matt Kuchar would be the two I'd throw money at if I had to right now with no time to research.
- Wow. This got out of hand quickly. Like Game 2 but in the Spurs favor. It's a 31 point lead. Gary Neal and Danny Green have combined for 51 points so far. Green by himself has outscored Duncan+Ginobilli+Parker. Crazy game. But crazy awesome.
Showing posts with label Cole Hamels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cole Hamels. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Tuesday Talkers
Well my derby picks didn't exactly work out, but Mrs. W randomly picked the winner, "I'll Have Another", probably because she's a raging alcoholic and that brought in some dough. Which, naturally, she immediately assumes is hers and has already been trying to figure out what to buy with it. Funny how that works. When I win and make a withdrawal, she's buys something. When she wins and I don't make a withdrawal, she's buys something. Frankly as long as she keeps reading that book I don't much care what else she does. In any case, sorry for the shitty derby picks. Here's some other thoughts on what's going on.
- Gopher dream transfer Trent Lockett picked Marquette over the Gophers, and it appears that your favorite team was never really in the mix. Whether it's because Lockett had no interest (understandable), Tubby and no interest (ridiculous), or simply because they didn't have a scholarship (come on), from what I can tell from very limited research he never even considered the U. It's too bad because he would have been the second or third best player on the team depending on where you want to slot Dre Hollins, but if the Gophers were going to lose a player (well kind of) losing one on the wing was the way to go. They should have enough perimeter guys to get them through, but this puts a ton of extra pressure on the Hollins twins. Assuming Mbakwe is healthy (yes a big assumption) it's going to be on those two how good/how far this Gopher team can go. Well, them and Charles Buggs, the next Hakim Warrick/JaJuan Johnson. Give it time. Love has patience.
- Sticking with college basketball, inside sources have confirmed for me that Butler is moving to the Atlantic-10, which is a great move for both parties. Butler gets to step up and challenge itself with programs like Xavier and Temple (assuming they're not moving because frankly I can't keep up with all the moves), while the A-10 grabs another marquee school (I know they weren't last year, but back-to-back Final Fours says a lot). Apparently the A-10 is also looking to grab VCU and George Mason out of the Colonial, and that pretty much has to vault them ahead of the Mountain West for basketball power, doesn't it? Certainly Conference USA if they weren't there already, and possibly even the Pac-10 the way things are going lately. Crazy basketball world. Next thing you know San Diego State will be in the Big East.
- I know, I should talk Twins but they suck worse than Woody Allen movies. I mean, all these people are in the lineup tonight: Komatsu (I literally have no idea who this is, where's Ben Revere?), Brian Dozier, Danny Valencia, Trevor Plouffe, Drew Butera, and Jamey Carroll. How many of those guys are big league hitters? Valencia and Plouffe combined make one? Honestly how many Twins could you even write anything positive about this year? Span (for being a good leadoff guy), Willingham (for not completely tanking after his hot start), and Doumit (for doing exactly what he's supposed to - be average at everything with average defense at 3 positions)? I mean for fuck's sake they were just praising Mauer for hitting a double - a double that was a blooper down the left field line (yes I'm actually watching the game, but just until Mrs. W is out of the shower because she won't watch this garbage and they're way too shitty for me to go all the way downstairs to watch.)
I guess the bullpen has been better than expected because three guys are having good years out of there (Burton, Gray, Burnett), but you Burnett and at least one of those other two is going to go back to sucking, the most important reliever (Capps) might be the worst one in the pen not named Maloney, and pretty much all of this is moot because the Twins have to have the worst rotation in all of baseball. And there's no hope for the future. None. The only possible prayer is the Twins' knock this upcoming draft out of the park with a bunch of college players who are going to be close to ready and can get here before Morneau and Mauer are completely washed up, because you know damn well the Twins are stuck with those two for the rest of their careers because nobody else is going to overpay to that extent. A terrible present and a non-existent future. This is exactly how the Wolves used to feel. I guess the Twins need a Rubio in this draft. What would that be, some kind of pitcher with studly stuff who makes the game fun to watch? Yeah, I'd take that. Thanks for nothing, Kyle Gibson. But apparently this team completely owns Dan Haren, which makes total sense.
- Staying with baseball for a moment, did you see my boyfriend Cole Hamels got suspended for five games for admitting to intentionally hitting Brian Harper's dickhead kid? And here's how it went down - Hamels plunked him in the back, not the head or anywhere, but the back - the most accepted place to hit someone intentionally. Harper went to first without a look, without a glance, without a reaction (which was kind of surprising because unlike his dad I thought he was kind of a dick). Then later Hamels comes up and Jordan Zimmerman hits Cole in the leg, to which he just jogs down to first without a look or reaction. Hard-nosed baseball where all parties understand exactly what's going on. But because Hamels admitted it he gets rung for five games (which for a starting pitcher means 1 game but still). What about Zimmerman, shouldn't he get a game too? It's all so stupid. I'm not a big whiner about the "pussification of America" since I think football and surfing should be outlawed as too dangerous, but this is so stupid. If somebody hits a dude in the head then yeah, hammer him. But this was harmless. Hamels should pitch in a skirt next time. If nothing else it'd be kinda hot.
- Last baseball thing quick. I was following a Mets' game the other night due to a wager I made (3 actually, and I won all 3 so suck it) and these were some Met players: Kirk Nieuwenheis, Andres Torres, Josh Thole, Justin Turner, Ruben Tejada, Mike Baxter, and Mike Nickeas. Those are all batters. I'm in a pretty deep fantasy baseball league and regularly play baseball player prop bets so I know players quite well even in the NL, and I'm only vaguely familiar with a couple of those guys. That team may be more messed up than the Twins, and they have more money (although most of it is wrapped up in Jason Bay lolololol oh wait Twins/Mauer right). Actually bite my tongue because apparently when your recreations all involve following players you sometimes miss shit like the Mets are 17-13. I'm not going to go sever my own limbs with a chainsaw and then drown myself in my own blood.
That was pretty morbid. Go Twins.
- Gopher dream transfer Trent Lockett picked Marquette over the Gophers, and it appears that your favorite team was never really in the mix. Whether it's because Lockett had no interest (understandable), Tubby and no interest (ridiculous), or simply because they didn't have a scholarship (come on), from what I can tell from very limited research he never even considered the U. It's too bad because he would have been the second or third best player on the team depending on where you want to slot Dre Hollins, but if the Gophers were going to lose a player (well kind of) losing one on the wing was the way to go. They should have enough perimeter guys to get them through, but this puts a ton of extra pressure on the Hollins twins. Assuming Mbakwe is healthy (yes a big assumption) it's going to be on those two how good/how far this Gopher team can go. Well, them and Charles Buggs, the next Hakim Warrick/JaJuan Johnson. Give it time. Love has patience.
- Sticking with college basketball, inside sources have confirmed for me that Butler is moving to the Atlantic-10, which is a great move for both parties. Butler gets to step up and challenge itself with programs like Xavier and Temple (assuming they're not moving because frankly I can't keep up with all the moves), while the A-10 grabs another marquee school (I know they weren't last year, but back-to-back Final Fours says a lot). Apparently the A-10 is also looking to grab VCU and George Mason out of the Colonial, and that pretty much has to vault them ahead of the Mountain West for basketball power, doesn't it? Certainly Conference USA if they weren't there already, and possibly even the Pac-10 the way things are going lately. Crazy basketball world. Next thing you know San Diego State will be in the Big East.
- I know, I should talk Twins but they suck worse than Woody Allen movies. I mean, all these people are in the lineup tonight: Komatsu (I literally have no idea who this is, where's Ben Revere?), Brian Dozier, Danny Valencia, Trevor Plouffe, Drew Butera, and Jamey Carroll. How many of those guys are big league hitters? Valencia and Plouffe combined make one? Honestly how many Twins could you even write anything positive about this year? Span (for being a good leadoff guy), Willingham (for not completely tanking after his hot start), and Doumit (for doing exactly what he's supposed to - be average at everything with average defense at 3 positions)? I mean for fuck's sake they were just praising Mauer for hitting a double - a double that was a blooper down the left field line (yes I'm actually watching the game, but just until Mrs. W is out of the shower because she won't watch this garbage and they're way too shitty for me to go all the way downstairs to watch.)
I guess the bullpen has been better than expected because three guys are having good years out of there (Burton, Gray, Burnett), but you Burnett and at least one of those other two is going to go back to sucking, the most important reliever (Capps) might be the worst one in the pen not named Maloney, and pretty much all of this is moot because the Twins have to have the worst rotation in all of baseball. And there's no hope for the future. None. The only possible prayer is the Twins' knock this upcoming draft out of the park with a bunch of college players who are going to be close to ready and can get here before Morneau and Mauer are completely washed up, because you know damn well the Twins are stuck with those two for the rest of their careers because nobody else is going to overpay to that extent. A terrible present and a non-existent future. This is exactly how the Wolves used to feel. I guess the Twins need a Rubio in this draft. What would that be, some kind of pitcher with studly stuff who makes the game fun to watch? Yeah, I'd take that. Thanks for nothing, Kyle Gibson. But apparently this team completely owns Dan Haren, which makes total sense.
- Staying with baseball for a moment, did you see my boyfriend Cole Hamels got suspended for five games for admitting to intentionally hitting Brian Harper's dickhead kid? And here's how it went down - Hamels plunked him in the back, not the head or anywhere, but the back - the most accepted place to hit someone intentionally. Harper went to first without a look, without a glance, without a reaction (which was kind of surprising because unlike his dad I thought he was kind of a dick). Then later Hamels comes up and Jordan Zimmerman hits Cole in the leg, to which he just jogs down to first without a look or reaction. Hard-nosed baseball where all parties understand exactly what's going on. But because Hamels admitted it he gets rung for five games (which for a starting pitcher means 1 game but still). What about Zimmerman, shouldn't he get a game too? It's all so stupid. I'm not a big whiner about the "pussification of America" since I think football and surfing should be outlawed as too dangerous, but this is so stupid. If somebody hits a dude in the head then yeah, hammer him. But this was harmless. Hamels should pitch in a skirt next time. If nothing else it'd be kinda hot.
- Last baseball thing quick. I was following a Mets' game the other night due to a wager I made (3 actually, and I won all 3 so suck it) and these were some Met players: Kirk Nieuwenheis, Andres Torres, Josh Thole, Justin Turner, Ruben Tejada, Mike Baxter, and Mike Nickeas. Those are all batters. I'm in a pretty deep fantasy baseball league and regularly play baseball player prop bets so I know players quite well even in the NL, and I'm only vaguely familiar with a couple of those guys. That team may be more messed up than the Twins, and they have more money (although most of it is wrapped up in Jason Bay lolololol oh wait Twins/Mauer right). Actually bite my tongue because apparently when your recreations all involve following players you sometimes miss shit like the Mets are 17-13. I'm not going to go sever my own limbs with a chainsaw and then drown myself in my own blood.
That was pretty morbid. Go Twins.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I Think We're Alone Now (Live Movie Blog)
Alright, it's time. I know I haven't done a live movie blog in a while, and I figure it's time to break it out again. I'm sitting here with some Red Stripe and looking for something to watch and it's time to break out the big gun. Yep, we're going with "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus." I've been sitting on this since I Tivo'd it in January because the title is just too perfect and I'm afraid I'm going to be let down. Then again, with a title like that it might also be the type of flick that doesn't take itself seriously, and that would suck too. I don't want to rip on self-aware crap movies, I want ones that actually think they're good. Let's find out what we have here together.
- Looks like we're getting started in the great frozen north which is where I'm guessing someone is going to thaw out a giant prehistoric shark. But more importantly, the opening credits inform me that our leads are Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Also yes, that Lorenzo Lamas, but you probably knew that part.
- They just showed a giant sheath of ice sliding off a glacial wall, which basically guarantees that they are going to end up blaming global warming in some way for this. Great. Nothing like getting a political statement from a crappy B movie, especially considering the science they usually use in these is less accurate than your average Delmon Young throw to the plate.
- On on mother effing cue, they show us a school of Hammerheads allegedly swimming around in Alaskan waters. God damn it, people. Hammerheads are tropical. I'm almost positive they only shark you'd find in Alaskan waters is the Greenland Shark. Why not just show some Greenland sharks? Lazy stupid morons. At least attempt to get it right. I know I'm a nerd, but even a minimum amount of research would tell you that you would never, ever, ever find a hammerhead anywhere near Alaska. It just makes me so mad.
- We're two minutes in. Two minutes. And now they show us reef sharks and manta rays. In Alaska. Frozen Alaskan waters. Reef sharks, manta rays, and hammerheads. How about you just toss in a tropical coral reef or the Loch Ness monster. At this point you've already destroyed your credibility. This is almost as bad as that goblin shark movie.
- Huh, Debbie Gibson is actually a halfway decent actress. She doesn't have much to work with here already. For example, some army guy dropped some kind of sonar bomb into the alaskan ocean and it's forcing this bunch of whales to start ramming glaciers. Uh oh and oh noes they rammed so much ice so effectively that they freed both a mega-shark and a giant octopus who were frozen in their endless struggle through eternity. I am going to go ahead and assume these are the titular creatures. Heh, titular.
- Oooh, and right away the giant octopus attacks an oil drilling platform and crushes it to death. That is a really, really big octopus. Also to the best of my knowledge no giant octopus like that ever existed. I can't confirm for sure since I'm just a shark nerd and not an octopus nerd, but based on this movie's complete disregard for factual scientific science I'm going to assume they made that all up.
- They just found a dead whale basically bitten in half and the guy who is going to turn out to be the stuffy professor who never believes there's a giant shark says it was killed by a boat propeller. Based on the size of half of the whale, the boat would have had to the size of Rhode Island to have propellers that big. Also, the whole "it wasn't a shark it was a boating accident" thing was already done by Jaws, and every other shark-related movie since. At least be original in your crappiness.
- Debbie Gibson just jedi mind-tricked some security guard so she could get into some random giant tent and examine the dead whale body. Damn what the rules say! She's a rebel. She's also singing to the whale "I Think We're Alone Now."
- Some asian with glasses is yelling at some other asian with a goatee.
- Oh for the love of god. The giant shark just lept out of the ocean to grab and eat a plane. I don't even know where to start with this. First, the plane had just broken cloud cover which means the shark jumped a minimum of 5,000 feet in the air. Second, the shark was at least 5 times longer than the plane, despite the fact that the biggest estimate for a Megalodon would put it at about a quarter of the length of a 747. Finally, why the hell would a just de-frozen shark jump up in the air and grab a plane when it has had no learnings that plane = food. Plus, a shark that size wouldn't be interested in people because sharks need to eat high amounts of fat from like whales and seals and stuff, and I am pretty sure metal isn't high in fat content.
- I take it back. Debbie Gibson is not a good actress. She should stick to posing in playboy. Google is your friend.
- Now the asian guy with glasses is meeting with Debbie and her mentor science guy who is being played by a guy who reminds me of the guy from Cocktail and has the same accent. Remember in that movie when Elisabeth Shue took her top off? She was awesome.
- So Asian guy thinks the thing killing stuff is an Octopus, while Debbie and Cocktail guy think it's a shark. OMG THEY'RE BOTH RIGHT! TWO PRESHISTORIC CREATURES UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY!!
- I was going to write about something else that just happened but then, just now as predicted, Debbie gives us this "The Polar Ice Caps are melting so rapidly, maybe this is our comeuppance." THANK YOU MOVIE! I WILL NOW REPENT MY LIFE AND BUY AN ELECTRIC SCOOTER AND COOK MEALS OVER AN OPEN FLAME! YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE!
- This is a really god-damned stupid movie.
- The shark just killed a navy battle ship, but they couldn't be bothered to show anything to us because they're stupid and cheap. Instead it would show the shark swimming, kind of, in some of the worst CGI I've ever seen (comparable to Etch-A-Sketch) and then cut to some army guys in a room that was shaking. Do that three times, then cut to head army guy yelling "noooooooooooooo" and then fade to black. Thanks a lot. That was super entertaining. I hope Aquaman shows up and kills everybody dead.
- Asian guy with glasses just now compared the two creatures to Hurricane Katrina. I can't decide if that's offensive, and since I'm not affiliated with and really wasn't affected by the hurricane, I'm just going to chalk it up as being unfunny instead. Which once again proves that asians aren't funny.
- Shocking. Military guy wants to destroy the creatures, while the Sciencey people want to study them. Just like every animal destruction movie ever. And did I really say Debbie Gibson was a good actor, earlier? I need to be gut-punched.
- Do you think Wilson Ramos is more like the next Johnny Bench or the next Mickey Cochrane? Nevermind, I'm being silly. He's the next Matt Wieters. Who, by the way, has 3x the home runs of your precious Joe Mauer. Since HRs are the only really viable way to evaluate a hitter, I'd say it's clear Wieters is tops. Other than Ramos.
- Asian guy is now telling some sob story about how he has always wanted to be a marine biologist ever since he saw a dolphin get killed in a net when he was a kid but his family all wanted him to follow in his footsteps. I didn't catch what it was they wanted him to be, but I'm going to assume ping-pong player. And now he's humping Debbie Gibson. Clearly she's pretty easy if that story worked. Eww Debbie.
- Since we're talking about studs, guess how many AL third-basemen have a better batting average than Evan Longoria? Zero. Guess how many have a better OBP. Zero. Guess how many have a better SLG. Zero. Plus, he'll steal your girlfriend. Such a pimp.
- Some fighter guy like Maverick or Goose just got slapped out of the air by an octopus tentacle, which means I guess nobody learned anything from the plane that got eaten by the shark earlier. Also, since I'm sure you want to know how awesome it looked, it was a screen of a plane, then a shot of a tentacle, then the guy inside the plane with red flights flashing and him yelling. Then they cut to the people in the big ship running this whole operation and they were all sad. This movie rocks.
- Nice pony-tail, Lamas.
- I still don't get the switch from Sci Fi Channel to SyFy Channel. I mean, you're basically going to get two reactions - either irritation or indifference, so what's the point? Not really seeing an upside here. This is the worst marketing decision since they eliminated Crystal Pepsi.
- For a movie about a giant shark and a giant octopus (which doesn't and never has existed) there has been a stunning lack of footage of said monsters. And not the good kind of tension building keeping the monster hidden like in Jaws, the bad kind. Like that one time I accidentally watched a male model show - The girls never came! The girls never came!
- They're doing something with pheremones to attract the monsters or something, but for some reason these pheremones are a glowing fluorescent green, like the ooze from TMNT. Oh my god! Maybe it is the ooze, and when the octo and shark meet up and fight they'll break the container and the ooze will spill everywhere and create a giant Shark/Octopus hybrid! That would be the greatest thing ever! Please let this happen. Or at least turn Lamas into some human/shark creature. He'd probably be more articulate.
- I've never watched a movie that utilized shaky camerawork more often. It's worse than the Blair Witch Project. More like if the Blair Witch Project was filmed by Michael J Fox. Or any movie, really.
- Sweet jesus. The shark somehow disappeared from the radar of the navy battleship which is currently attempting to shoot it with torpedos. We've already established this thing is at least 200 feet long. Nice radar. Must be american-made. Oh, there is is. It ate the ship, and then it ate the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm assuming we're not in Alaska anymore, but with the fact-finding and accuracy we've seen in this movie who the hell knows. I'm guessing it'll go after Big Ben next. Not Roethlisberger. He'd probably hump it while it tried to get away.
- The new plan is to drop nukes into San Francisco Bay (the shark) and somewhere in Tokyo that I don't remember (the octopus) in order to "avoid a global catastrophe." I don't even know where to begin.
- Awesome. Now they are going to try to get them to fight and kill each other instead, because "Sharks and Octopi are natural enemies." Good lord. This seriously puts every other one of these movies to shame, even that one with the Baldwin brother. Don't worry, I'll be back with another one after this. I have something called "Mega Piranha" waiting for me. Hard to get a better title than that.
- I'm really sick of fantasy baseball. Our pitchers just keep getting Greinke'd. First off, we have Greinke, who has a 2.27 ERA and zero wins. Then tonight, Cole Hamels goes 8 innings, gives up 1 run, no win. Last night Mike Leake pitched a gem and got nothing. It's not fair. We have the best team by far (Wieters AND Longoria) by are just 2-2 because of cheaters and cheating and bad luck. We should be 5-0, even though it's only been four weeks. Yep, we're that good.
- By the way, I really wanted to like V, but I just couldn't get into it. I feel like I'm insulting my childhood. Then again, a certain recent remake of a certain awesome classic kind of destroyed it already. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate.
- I see Wilson Ramos is 0-3 with a K right now tonight. I know a little bit of regression to the mean is inevitable, but if he doesn't end up hitting at least .500 this year, I think you have to consider his season a failure.
- I'm thinking Gardy should have stuck with his unbreakable routine and brought in Rauch to finish the game. Oops. (I'm getting back to the movie, I swear).
- $20 says this movie ends with another message about the evils of global warming.
- Debbie and Asian guy just had a really touching conversation via video computer phone. He's apparently in Asian now which I guess makes sense, but they're in love or something which doesn't. And their romantic talk involved some quote from my guy Julius Caesar, but it was a pretty gay one. The whole thing was awful. Kind of gave me a hankerin' for watching Anakin and Padme.
- Mmmmmmmmmmmm.....Padme. Remember in the second movie how the somehow manages to rip her shirt just perfectly to get some nice mid-riff action? I couldn't decide if that was awesome or stupid, and I still can't decide. I know I didn't complain though.
- I quite literally have no idea what is going on anymore, but Debbie Gibson just punched some dude out (unfortunately not Lamas. or the Asian guy) and then somebody said "Ice Wall! Right Ahead!" which I think was supposed to be an homage to Titanic. This is pretty surreal. But not in a good way in the least.
- So the Shark and Octopus are fighting, just like in Debbie's master plan (as natural enemies are wont to do), and they're actually showing the fight. Sort of. They're also using the shaking camera manuever, and when they do show them it looks like something I could create in the bathtub using Wonderbaby's toys pretty easily. And she doesn't even have an octopus.
- How do they keep losing the creatures on their radar? This is about the fourth or fifth time. Way to keep going back to the same plot device over and over again. And, speaking of, we now have more shaking cameras. I really can't stress enough how prevalent this has been. This movie is as predictable as a Jesse Crain outing. As shaky, too.
- The octopus from Super Mario just squeezed the asian guy in half, but $50 says he shows up again because he and Debbie are in love and we need a happy ending to get us all through the day and our pathetic lives. Also I'm betting we aren't getting any TMNT ooze ending, which is a total bummer.
- I think they're looping the footage from the octo/shark fight.
- And the two creatures actually managed to kill each other, which is obviously super realistic. And there's asian guy to give us a little more Anakin-level banter in case you needed a little more. Just fantastic. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, but this is the worst. Other than Jumper.
- And we're set up for a sequel, because some old guy just gave our heros a file and said "here's something else" or some similar line. They better not be in Piranha. I can't take it again.
- Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this, because I sure as hell didn't, and I'm once again questioning why I keep doing this to myself. It must be for you, because I love you. Seriously, though, if I have to choose between a Giant Shark and a Giant Octopus, I'm going with crab juice.
- And just so this night isn't a total loss, here is a picture Snake snapped of a guy who was sitting near us at the Twins game we went to on Monday. I'm not even going to go with any commentary, I think it speaks for itself.
- Looks like we're getting started in the great frozen north which is where I'm guessing someone is going to thaw out a giant prehistoric shark. But more importantly, the opening credits inform me that our leads are Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Also yes, that Lorenzo Lamas, but you probably knew that part.
- They just showed a giant sheath of ice sliding off a glacial wall, which basically guarantees that they are going to end up blaming global warming in some way for this. Great. Nothing like getting a political statement from a crappy B movie, especially considering the science they usually use in these is less accurate than your average Delmon Young throw to the plate.
- On on mother effing cue, they show us a school of Hammerheads allegedly swimming around in Alaskan waters. God damn it, people. Hammerheads are tropical. I'm almost positive they only shark you'd find in Alaskan waters is the Greenland Shark. Why not just show some Greenland sharks? Lazy stupid morons. At least attempt to get it right. I know I'm a nerd, but even a minimum amount of research would tell you that you would never, ever, ever find a hammerhead anywhere near Alaska. It just makes me so mad.
- We're two minutes in. Two minutes. And now they show us reef sharks and manta rays. In Alaska. Frozen Alaskan waters. Reef sharks, manta rays, and hammerheads. How about you just toss in a tropical coral reef or the Loch Ness monster. At this point you've already destroyed your credibility. This is almost as bad as that goblin shark movie.
- Huh, Debbie Gibson is actually a halfway decent actress. She doesn't have much to work with here already. For example, some army guy dropped some kind of sonar bomb into the alaskan ocean and it's forcing this bunch of whales to start ramming glaciers. Uh oh and oh noes they rammed so much ice so effectively that they freed both a mega-shark and a giant octopus who were frozen in their endless struggle through eternity. I am going to go ahead and assume these are the titular creatures. Heh, titular.
- Oooh, and right away the giant octopus attacks an oil drilling platform and crushes it to death. That is a really, really big octopus. Also to the best of my knowledge no giant octopus like that ever existed. I can't confirm for sure since I'm just a shark nerd and not an octopus nerd, but based on this movie's complete disregard for factual scientific science I'm going to assume they made that all up.
- They just found a dead whale basically bitten in half and the guy who is going to turn out to be the stuffy professor who never believes there's a giant shark says it was killed by a boat propeller. Based on the size of half of the whale, the boat would have had to the size of Rhode Island to have propellers that big. Also, the whole "it wasn't a shark it was a boating accident" thing was already done by Jaws, and every other shark-related movie since. At least be original in your crappiness.
- Debbie Gibson just jedi mind-tricked some security guard so she could get into some random giant tent and examine the dead whale body. Damn what the rules say! She's a rebel. She's also singing to the whale "I Think We're Alone Now."
- Some asian with glasses is yelling at some other asian with a goatee.
- Oh for the love of god. The giant shark just lept out of the ocean to grab and eat a plane. I don't even know where to start with this. First, the plane had just broken cloud cover which means the shark jumped a minimum of 5,000 feet in the air. Second, the shark was at least 5 times longer than the plane, despite the fact that the biggest estimate for a Megalodon would put it at about a quarter of the length of a 747. Finally, why the hell would a just de-frozen shark jump up in the air and grab a plane when it has had no learnings that plane = food. Plus, a shark that size wouldn't be interested in people because sharks need to eat high amounts of fat from like whales and seals and stuff, and I am pretty sure metal isn't high in fat content.
- I take it back. Debbie Gibson is not a good actress. She should stick to posing in playboy. Google is your friend.
- Now the asian guy with glasses is meeting with Debbie and her mentor science guy who is being played by a guy who reminds me of the guy from Cocktail and has the same accent. Remember in that movie when Elisabeth Shue took her top off? She was awesome.
- So Asian guy thinks the thing killing stuff is an Octopus, while Debbie and Cocktail guy think it's a shark. OMG THEY'RE BOTH RIGHT! TWO PRESHISTORIC CREATURES UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY!!
- I was going to write about something else that just happened but then, just now as predicted, Debbie gives us this "The Polar Ice Caps are melting so rapidly, maybe this is our comeuppance." THANK YOU MOVIE! I WILL NOW REPENT MY LIFE AND BUY AN ELECTRIC SCOOTER AND COOK MEALS OVER AN OPEN FLAME! YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE!
- This is a really god-damned stupid movie.
- The shark just killed a navy battle ship, but they couldn't be bothered to show anything to us because they're stupid and cheap. Instead it would show the shark swimming, kind of, in some of the worst CGI I've ever seen (comparable to Etch-A-Sketch) and then cut to some army guys in a room that was shaking. Do that three times, then cut to head army guy yelling "noooooooooooooo" and then fade to black. Thanks a lot. That was super entertaining. I hope Aquaman shows up and kills everybody dead.
- Asian guy with glasses just now compared the two creatures to Hurricane Katrina. I can't decide if that's offensive, and since I'm not affiliated with and really wasn't affected by the hurricane, I'm just going to chalk it up as being unfunny instead. Which once again proves that asians aren't funny.
- Shocking. Military guy wants to destroy the creatures, while the Sciencey people want to study them. Just like every animal destruction movie ever. And did I really say Debbie Gibson was a good actor, earlier? I need to be gut-punched.
- Do you think Wilson Ramos is more like the next Johnny Bench or the next Mickey Cochrane? Nevermind, I'm being silly. He's the next Matt Wieters. Who, by the way, has 3x the home runs of your precious Joe Mauer. Since HRs are the only really viable way to evaluate a hitter, I'd say it's clear Wieters is tops. Other than Ramos.
- Asian guy is now telling some sob story about how he has always wanted to be a marine biologist ever since he saw a dolphin get killed in a net when he was a kid but his family all wanted him to follow in his footsteps. I didn't catch what it was they wanted him to be, but I'm going to assume ping-pong player. And now he's humping Debbie Gibson. Clearly she's pretty easy if that story worked. Eww Debbie.
- Since we're talking about studs, guess how many AL third-basemen have a better batting average than Evan Longoria? Zero. Guess how many have a better OBP. Zero. Guess how many have a better SLG. Zero. Plus, he'll steal your girlfriend. Such a pimp.
- Some fighter guy like Maverick or Goose just got slapped out of the air by an octopus tentacle, which means I guess nobody learned anything from the plane that got eaten by the shark earlier. Also, since I'm sure you want to know how awesome it looked, it was a screen of a plane, then a shot of a tentacle, then the guy inside the plane with red flights flashing and him yelling. Then they cut to the people in the big ship running this whole operation and they were all sad. This movie rocks.
- Nice pony-tail, Lamas.
- I still don't get the switch from Sci Fi Channel to SyFy Channel. I mean, you're basically going to get two reactions - either irritation or indifference, so what's the point? Not really seeing an upside here. This is the worst marketing decision since they eliminated Crystal Pepsi.
- For a movie about a giant shark and a giant octopus (which doesn't and never has existed) there has been a stunning lack of footage of said monsters. And not the good kind of tension building keeping the monster hidden like in Jaws, the bad kind. Like that one time I accidentally watched a male model show - The girls never came! The girls never came!
- They're doing something with pheremones to attract the monsters or something, but for some reason these pheremones are a glowing fluorescent green, like the ooze from TMNT. Oh my god! Maybe it is the ooze, and when the octo and shark meet up and fight they'll break the container and the ooze will spill everywhere and create a giant Shark/Octopus hybrid! That would be the greatest thing ever! Please let this happen. Or at least turn Lamas into some human/shark creature. He'd probably be more articulate.
- I've never watched a movie that utilized shaky camerawork more often. It's worse than the Blair Witch Project. More like if the Blair Witch Project was filmed by Michael J Fox. Or any movie, really.
- Sweet jesus. The shark somehow disappeared from the radar of the navy battleship which is currently attempting to shoot it with torpedos. We've already established this thing is at least 200 feet long. Nice radar. Must be american-made. Oh, there is is. It ate the ship, and then it ate the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm assuming we're not in Alaska anymore, but with the fact-finding and accuracy we've seen in this movie who the hell knows. I'm guessing it'll go after Big Ben next. Not Roethlisberger. He'd probably hump it while it tried to get away.
- The new plan is to drop nukes into San Francisco Bay (the shark) and somewhere in Tokyo that I don't remember (the octopus) in order to "avoid a global catastrophe." I don't even know where to begin.
- Awesome. Now they are going to try to get them to fight and kill each other instead, because "Sharks and Octopi are natural enemies." Good lord. This seriously puts every other one of these movies to shame, even that one with the Baldwin brother. Don't worry, I'll be back with another one after this. I have something called "Mega Piranha" waiting for me. Hard to get a better title than that.
- I'm really sick of fantasy baseball. Our pitchers just keep getting Greinke'd. First off, we have Greinke, who has a 2.27 ERA and zero wins. Then tonight, Cole Hamels goes 8 innings, gives up 1 run, no win. Last night Mike Leake pitched a gem and got nothing. It's not fair. We have the best team by far (Wieters AND Longoria) by are just 2-2 because of cheaters and cheating and bad luck. We should be 5-0, even though it's only been four weeks. Yep, we're that good.
- By the way, I really wanted to like V, but I just couldn't get into it. I feel like I'm insulting my childhood. Then again, a certain recent remake of a certain awesome classic kind of destroyed it already. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate.
- I see Wilson Ramos is 0-3 with a K right now tonight. I know a little bit of regression to the mean is inevitable, but if he doesn't end up hitting at least .500 this year, I think you have to consider his season a failure.
- I'm thinking Gardy should have stuck with his unbreakable routine and brought in Rauch to finish the game. Oops. (I'm getting back to the movie, I swear).
- $20 says this movie ends with another message about the evils of global warming.
- Debbie and Asian guy just had a really touching conversation via video computer phone. He's apparently in Asian now which I guess makes sense, but they're in love or something which doesn't. And their romantic talk involved some quote from my guy Julius Caesar, but it was a pretty gay one. The whole thing was awful. Kind of gave me a hankerin' for watching Anakin and Padme.
- Mmmmmmmmmmmm.....Padme. Remember in the second movie how the somehow manages to rip her shirt just perfectly to get some nice mid-riff action? I couldn't decide if that was awesome or stupid, and I still can't decide. I know I didn't complain though.
- Ok, so if you're going to make a movie with two giant sea creatures, and advertise in your title that you have two giant sea creatures, do me a favor and have some kind of a special effects budget so most of the time you can show the creature instead of just shake a camera and when you do show it it doesn't look like it's out of Super Mario Brothers. Seriously, the octopus looks just like this:
- I quite literally have no idea what is going on anymore, but Debbie Gibson just punched some dude out (unfortunately not Lamas. or the Asian guy) and then somebody said "Ice Wall! Right Ahead!" which I think was supposed to be an homage to Titanic. This is pretty surreal. But not in a good way in the least.
- So the Shark and Octopus are fighting, just like in Debbie's master plan (as natural enemies are wont to do), and they're actually showing the fight. Sort of. They're also using the shaking camera manuever, and when they do show them it looks like something I could create in the bathtub using Wonderbaby's toys pretty easily. And she doesn't even have an octopus.
- How do they keep losing the creatures on their radar? This is about the fourth or fifth time. Way to keep going back to the same plot device over and over again. And, speaking of, we now have more shaking cameras. I really can't stress enough how prevalent this has been. This movie is as predictable as a Jesse Crain outing. As shaky, too.
- The octopus from Super Mario just squeezed the asian guy in half, but $50 says he shows up again because he and Debbie are in love and we need a happy ending to get us all through the day and our pathetic lives. Also I'm betting we aren't getting any TMNT ooze ending, which is a total bummer.
- I think they're looping the footage from the octo/shark fight.
- And the two creatures actually managed to kill each other, which is obviously super realistic. And there's asian guy to give us a little more Anakin-level banter in case you needed a little more. Just fantastic. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, but this is the worst. Other than Jumper.
- And we're set up for a sequel, because some old guy just gave our heros a file and said "here's something else" or some similar line. They better not be in Piranha. I can't take it again.
- Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this, because I sure as hell didn't, and I'm once again questioning why I keep doing this to myself. It must be for you, because I love you. Seriously, though, if I have to choose between a Giant Shark and a Giant Octopus, I'm going with crab juice.
- And just so this night isn't a total loss, here is a picture Snake snapped of a guy who was sitting near us at the Twins game we went to on Monday. I'm not even going to go with any commentary, I think it speaks for itself.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
World Series Game 3 Live Blog
Seeing as it is Halloween, the missus and I are watching Drag me to Hell, which so far is a pretty good movie despite the presence of Justin Long. It's helped by the fact that I am a little bit in love with Alison Lohman, who could be sisters with both Jenna Fischer and Anna Paquin. Can you image those three in the same family, because they could easily all be related. I think I'd go Fischer, Paquin, Lohman, but really, whichever order they want to come to me in is fine by me.
Anyway, I'm also watching the World Series on an internet feed, as I usually do, and the Gophers are being monitored thanks to the game tracker via ESPN.com. Currently the Gophers are recovering from an almost blown awesome start, but lead 21-10 with 2 minutes left in the first half, the Yanks and Phillies are tied 0-0 in the bottom of the first, and this chick in the movie should not have turned that old lady down for a loan, because I'm pretty sure she's fucked at this point. Any way, let's roll.
- Andy Pettitte is the all-time leader in postseason wins? W.T.F??!?! This would be like finding out Derek Jeter is third all-time in postseason home runs........WHAT!!??!
- Just got back from tending to my pumpkin seeds (slow roasted at 300 degrees for an hour, butter spray, seasoned salt, garlic powder) and the Phillies managed to get nothing out of Jimmy Rollins's leadoff single and steal of second. Can't waste opportunities, boys, you know the Yanks won't. Or maybe they will. I don't know.
- I guess we'll find out as my sort-of boyfriend Cole Hamels plunks a-rod with the first pitch of the second inning. Cole and I were going really good most of last year, it was pretty serious, I think he might have picked out a ring, but I kind of had to slow things down most of this year. Now he's been slowly winning me back over, and this is a pretty good chance for him to get back into my good graces.
- Pedro Feliz, who Tim McCarver keeps insisting is one of the best 3bmen in baseball, bobbles and easy double play ball and they only get A-rod at second. What do you want to bet that costs them?
- Nevermind, my boyfriend pitched out of it with no further issues. I guess that was a bad bet, like most of them that Snacks lays down these days.
- Wow, this chick in this movie is having a couple of really horrible days. Nice rack though.
- Home run Jayson Werth to lead off the second. He really had to go down and get it, too. A lot like Matsui's in Game 2, but insead of hitting a pop up that somehow managed to get over the fence by some weird miracle, he laced that sumbitch into like the 15th row in left field. A right-handed, National League Jason Kubel with speed and fielding. So really he has nothing in common with Kubel at all, except they are both underrated and I love them both (NOTE: I love Kubel more).
- With one out, Feliz doinks one off the wall for a double, and then walks Carlos freaking Ruiz. Falling apart, Pettitte? Need a little GHB or your precious "God?" Well you're on your own, chief.
- The Spartans took the opening kick of the second half back for a TD? Good lord.
- Uh, oh, bunt hit for Hamels because Pettitte can't field. I'm feeling blow out here folks, this might be a a very short live blog - no point continuing when the Phillies are up 15-0.
- Pettitte walks in a run, walking Rollins on five pitches. He looks awful, just awful. Which, of course, is good for me, and for America.
- The Phils pick up one more, and it's a 3-0 now going to the third. This game is huge for Philadelphia, because next up is Sabathia vs. Blanton, in a game the Yankees should win 20-1.
- Gophers answer, and it's 28-17. Honestly, you can't lose that game after the way it started for them, or you might as well quit football and move on to field hockey. In case you missed it, the Gophers scored on the first play from scrimmage on a long TD pass to Duane Bennett, then MSU fumbled the kickoff and Minnesota recovered, and converted that into another TD with a pass to future stud Brandon Green. In other words, a near perfect start.
- so I have no sound with this internet feed (well, I do but instead we are watching some crazy goat-sacrificing seance), but Predro Feliz just fielded a grounder and threw a guy out, and they've now shown the replay four times, paying most attention to how he used two hands to field it. Twenty bucks says McCarver is having a jizz party over this righ tnow, and that's why we are watching a routine play over and over and over.
- I'm having trouble getting the ESPN tracker to work, but it appears Sparty just returned a kickoff for a touchdown for the second time this game, and it's now 28-24 Gophers. I would wager my kickass Protege (with Spoiler) that the Spartans win this game.
- Oh, nevermind it was only an 84-yard touchdown run, not a kickoff return. No need to panic, pretty routine.
- A-Rod dingers after Texeira walks. It's the Yankees first hit, the first higt A-Rod has ever gotten against Hamels, and it makes the score 3-2. On a related note, or not, somehow Michigan State now leads the Gophers 31-28. You pretty much have to get rid of Brewster, right? Maybe they bring in a new coach and keep Brewster on as tight ends' coach.or something.
- What the hell? Wanda Sykes is getting her own talk show?
- Error or Rodriguez to lead off the fourth. I guess we should call him E-Rod. Can a get a rimshot here?
- We finished Drag me to Hell. I'm going to lightly recommend it. Up next is Orphan, which I'm assuming involves some creepy kid. I have a feeling I'm going to be very wary of WonderbabyTM tomorrow.
- And now the Gophers are up again, thanks mostly to a fifty-three yard completion from Weber to someone named Da'Jon McKnight, who I have definitely never head of. What a crazy game. It's almost enough to make me wish I was watching.
- Uh, this Orphan movie is pretty effed up right here. Pretty sure that opening scene is going to give me nightmares for years. NICE MOVIE PICK MRS. W!
- Yankees tie it up on a Nick Swisher double and a Pettitte single. Yes, a Pettitte single. Call me crazy here, but maybe you don't throw your lollipop curveball to a career .134 hitter. I'm thinking it makes more sense to save that pitch for guys who can actually hit so you can disrupt their timing. Not a guy who you could throw nothing but fastballs too and he'd make contact 10% of the time. You are on thin ice, Hamels.
- And it's now 5-3 thanks to a Jeter bloop and a Damon double. And now he walks Texeira to bring A-Rod back up. and he's being yanked for Happ. We are so broken up. And not like a Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson break-up, I mean real one.
- Sparty field goal, 35-34 Gophers. Wow.
- Just got a text from snacks, who is at the Gopher game, which is now 42-34 and clearly the craziest game ever. He told me to turn the game on, which I did, so I could see the weird Tow-Arnett deflection to Bennett thing, which might be the most unreal play I've seen in a long time. I kind of wish I was watching that game.
- This kid in this movie is creepy as all shit.
- Home run Swisher, 6-3 Gay-nkees. Interest level: waning.
- The NL version of Jason Kubel homers to lead off the sixth, and it's now 6-4. I am also now watching the last two minutes of the Gopher game, and I was all excited to watch Sparty march down in the last two minutes to end up tying it up, but instead some dumb bastard runs into the punter to give the Gophers a first down, and that should just about do it. Totally earned that victory, way to go, Brewster.
- So far the kid is just creepy, and hasn't killed anybody or poisoned anybody or lit anyone on fire yet or anything. She should probably get on that here pretty quickly, especially since her parents are horny pervs who get it on at the drop of a hat no matter who or what is around. Seriously, bending the wife over the kitchen table and going to town is good stuff, but when you have three kids and it's like 8pm, I'd probably advise against it. Pervs.
- J.D. Durbin. The Real Deal. And he still sucks. Couple hits, couple walks, and a run, and he was bailed out by what could only be described as the worst call in history - Posada was rung up on pitch that was well below the knees and about a foot outside. Almost wonder if the umps are supposed to make sure this thing gets back to New York. After those excerpts from the Donaghy book, who the hell knows what's going on in pro sports.
- Wait. This one is Chad Durbin, who has made a decent career out of being a middle reliever. The Real Deal hasn't pitched in the bigs since 2007, totaled just 72 innings pitched in his career, and is currently floundering about in the Dodgers' system. But perhaps most damning of all? Baseball Reference has a section for each player where it lists their nicknames. There is no mention of "The Real Deal" on his page. None whatsoever.
- She now pushed some mean girl down a slide and she hurt her ankle. This chick's evil level is closer to Nelson Muntz than Damien.
- Black taco.
- Well, now she killed some black nun lady by hitting her in the head wiht a hammer like, fifty times. That was pretty evil. But in her defense, she's Russian.
- Matsui takes Brett Myers yard to make it 8-4. Amazing somebody can hit the ball that far without opening their eyes. Also, Brett Myers? Seriously? God the Phillies' bullpen sucks. And now they're screwed. You can't go with Blanton tomorrow now, can you? Let's be honest, that guy is terrible, and if they go with Blanton it's going to be 3-1 Yankees. You need to go with pimp daddy Cliffy, it's the only way.
- Phillies' are down 8-4 in the 8th, and Marte is pitching. What they need to do is make the game close enough so Rivera has to come in. Obviously, ideally they would win, but barring that they need to at least make Mariano pitch.
- Good job Phillies. He strikes out two and gets Ibanez to line out. Worthless.
- I'd love to keep blogging this crap, but we're going to play strip Trivial Pursuit. I'm sure you understand. For now, Happy Halloween readers, from the W family:
Anyway, I'm also watching the World Series on an internet feed, as I usually do, and the Gophers are being monitored thanks to the game tracker via ESPN.com. Currently the Gophers are recovering from an almost blown awesome start, but lead 21-10 with 2 minutes left in the first half, the Yanks and Phillies are tied 0-0 in the bottom of the first, and this chick in the movie should not have turned that old lady down for a loan, because I'm pretty sure she's fucked at this point. Any way, let's roll.
- Andy Pettitte is the all-time leader in postseason wins? W.T.F??!?! This would be like finding out Derek Jeter is third all-time in postseason home runs........WHAT!!??!
- Just got back from tending to my pumpkin seeds (slow roasted at 300 degrees for an hour, butter spray, seasoned salt, garlic powder) and the Phillies managed to get nothing out of Jimmy Rollins's leadoff single and steal of second. Can't waste opportunities, boys, you know the Yanks won't. Or maybe they will. I don't know.
- I guess we'll find out as my sort-of boyfriend Cole Hamels plunks a-rod with the first pitch of the second inning. Cole and I were going really good most of last year, it was pretty serious, I think he might have picked out a ring, but I kind of had to slow things down most of this year. Now he's been slowly winning me back over, and this is a pretty good chance for him to get back into my good graces.
- Pedro Feliz, who Tim McCarver keeps insisting is one of the best 3bmen in baseball, bobbles and easy double play ball and they only get A-rod at second. What do you want to bet that costs them?
- Nevermind, my boyfriend pitched out of it with no further issues. I guess that was a bad bet, like most of them that Snacks lays down these days.
- Wow, this chick in this movie is having a couple of really horrible days. Nice rack though.
- Home run Jayson Werth to lead off the second. He really had to go down and get it, too. A lot like Matsui's in Game 2, but insead of hitting a pop up that somehow managed to get over the fence by some weird miracle, he laced that sumbitch into like the 15th row in left field. A right-handed, National League Jason Kubel with speed and fielding. So really he has nothing in common with Kubel at all, except they are both underrated and I love them both (NOTE: I love Kubel more).
- With one out, Feliz doinks one off the wall for a double, and then walks Carlos freaking Ruiz. Falling apart, Pettitte? Need a little GHB or your precious "God?" Well you're on your own, chief.
- The Spartans took the opening kick of the second half back for a TD? Good lord.
- Uh, oh, bunt hit for Hamels because Pettitte can't field. I'm feeling blow out here folks, this might be a a very short live blog - no point continuing when the Phillies are up 15-0.
- Pettitte walks in a run, walking Rollins on five pitches. He looks awful, just awful. Which, of course, is good for me, and for America.
- The Phils pick up one more, and it's a 3-0 now going to the third. This game is huge for Philadelphia, because next up is Sabathia vs. Blanton, in a game the Yankees should win 20-1.
- Gophers answer, and it's 28-17. Honestly, you can't lose that game after the way it started for them, or you might as well quit football and move on to field hockey. In case you missed it, the Gophers scored on the first play from scrimmage on a long TD pass to Duane Bennett, then MSU fumbled the kickoff and Minnesota recovered, and converted that into another TD with a pass to future stud Brandon Green. In other words, a near perfect start.
- so I have no sound with this internet feed (well, I do but instead we are watching some crazy goat-sacrificing seance), but Predro Feliz just fielded a grounder and threw a guy out, and they've now shown the replay four times, paying most attention to how he used two hands to field it. Twenty bucks says McCarver is having a jizz party over this righ tnow, and that's why we are watching a routine play over and over and over.
- I'm having trouble getting the ESPN tracker to work, but it appears Sparty just returned a kickoff for a touchdown for the second time this game, and it's now 28-24 Gophers. I would wager my kickass Protege (with Spoiler) that the Spartans win this game.
- Oh, nevermind it was only an 84-yard touchdown run, not a kickoff return. No need to panic, pretty routine.
- A-Rod dingers after Texeira walks. It's the Yankees first hit, the first higt A-Rod has ever gotten against Hamels, and it makes the score 3-2. On a related note, or not, somehow Michigan State now leads the Gophers 31-28. You pretty much have to get rid of Brewster, right? Maybe they bring in a new coach and keep Brewster on as tight ends' coach.or something.
- What the hell? Wanda Sykes is getting her own talk show?
- Error or Rodriguez to lead off the fourth. I guess we should call him E-Rod. Can a get a rimshot here?
- We finished Drag me to Hell. I'm going to lightly recommend it. Up next is Orphan, which I'm assuming involves some creepy kid. I have a feeling I'm going to be very wary of WonderbabyTM tomorrow.
- And now the Gophers are up again, thanks mostly to a fifty-three yard completion from Weber to someone named Da'Jon McKnight, who I have definitely never head of. What a crazy game. It's almost enough to make me wish I was watching.
- Uh, this Orphan movie is pretty effed up right here. Pretty sure that opening scene is going to give me nightmares for years. NICE MOVIE PICK MRS. W!
- Yankees tie it up on a Nick Swisher double and a Pettitte single. Yes, a Pettitte single. Call me crazy here, but maybe you don't throw your lollipop curveball to a career .134 hitter. I'm thinking it makes more sense to save that pitch for guys who can actually hit so you can disrupt their timing. Not a guy who you could throw nothing but fastballs too and he'd make contact 10% of the time. You are on thin ice, Hamels.
- And it's now 5-3 thanks to a Jeter bloop and a Damon double. And now he walks Texeira to bring A-Rod back up. and he's being yanked for Happ. We are so broken up. And not like a Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson break-up, I mean real one.
- Sparty field goal, 35-34 Gophers. Wow.
- Just got a text from snacks, who is at the Gopher game, which is now 42-34 and clearly the craziest game ever. He told me to turn the game on, which I did, so I could see the weird Tow-Arnett deflection to Bennett thing, which might be the most unreal play I've seen in a long time. I kind of wish I was watching that game.
- This kid in this movie is creepy as all shit.
- Home run Swisher, 6-3 Gay-nkees. Interest level: waning.
- The NL version of Jason Kubel homers to lead off the sixth, and it's now 6-4. I am also now watching the last two minutes of the Gopher game, and I was all excited to watch Sparty march down in the last two minutes to end up tying it up, but instead some dumb bastard runs into the punter to give the Gophers a first down, and that should just about do it. Totally earned that victory, way to go, Brewster.
- So far the kid is just creepy, and hasn't killed anybody or poisoned anybody or lit anyone on fire yet or anything. She should probably get on that here pretty quickly, especially since her parents are horny pervs who get it on at the drop of a hat no matter who or what is around. Seriously, bending the wife over the kitchen table and going to town is good stuff, but when you have three kids and it's like 8pm, I'd probably advise against it. Pervs.
- J.D. Durbin. The Real Deal. And he still sucks. Couple hits, couple walks, and a run, and he was bailed out by what could only be described as the worst call in history - Posada was rung up on pitch that was well below the knees and about a foot outside. Almost wonder if the umps are supposed to make sure this thing gets back to New York. After those excerpts from the Donaghy book, who the hell knows what's going on in pro sports.
- Wait. This one is Chad Durbin, who has made a decent career out of being a middle reliever. The Real Deal hasn't pitched in the bigs since 2007, totaled just 72 innings pitched in his career, and is currently floundering about in the Dodgers' system. But perhaps most damning of all? Baseball Reference has a section for each player where it lists their nicknames. There is no mention of "The Real Deal" on his page. None whatsoever.
- She now pushed some mean girl down a slide and she hurt her ankle. This chick's evil level is closer to Nelson Muntz than Damien.
- Black taco.
- Well, now she killed some black nun lady by hitting her in the head wiht a hammer like, fifty times. That was pretty evil. But in her defense, she's Russian.
- Matsui takes Brett Myers yard to make it 8-4. Amazing somebody can hit the ball that far without opening their eyes. Also, Brett Myers? Seriously? God the Phillies' bullpen sucks. And now they're screwed. You can't go with Blanton tomorrow now, can you? Let's be honest, that guy is terrible, and if they go with Blanton it's going to be 3-1 Yankees. You need to go with pimp daddy Cliffy, it's the only way.
- Phillies' are down 8-4 in the 8th, and Marte is pitching. What they need to do is make the game close enough so Rivera has to come in. Obviously, ideally they would win, but barring that they need to at least make Mariano pitch.
- Good job Phillies. He strikes out two and gets Ibanez to line out. Worthless.
- I'd love to keep blogging this crap, but we're going to play strip Trivial Pursuit. I'm sure you understand. For now, Happy Halloween readers, from the W family:
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
PANDEMIC!!!
This was supposed to be the night that I got super drunk and blogged funny things, but instead I get hit with the flu which has sapped my will to live. I still have a couple of things to say, and may add to it during the breaks between naps and crying. Also, please pray for Mrs. W, who has the same thing and is stuck at home with a one-year old and nobody to help her out. Oof. God bless that woman.
- Being linked by the best and funniest sports blog out there, WithLeather, is not only an ego boost, but also a traffic boost, as when they linked our Video Game Mock Draft our daily hits were 7.5x higher than a usual day. Thanks again, WithLeather.
- Last night for dinner our group went to a U of Princeton Bar & Grill. There were not equations on the wall and shit.
- At one point in the car I was trying to find a local sports radio station as I usually do, and came across a religious preacherman instead. He said, "I advise teenagers and young people not to date at all. When you are ready for someone, god will give them to you. Spending time in a relationship not given by god is just wasting your time." I love these people.
- Have you ever seen that movie Enough? Me neither, but from what I figured it's about J-Lo who is mad that her husband is beating her up and fights back and probably kills him. That's how I feel about my boyfriend Cole Hamels right now. I gave him everything, forsaking all others, and now how has repaid me? With outright suckitude. He sucked hard in his first two starts, compiling an ERA of 11.17, and although he's been better since, he's also left both of his last two starts early with injuries, first after a line drive hit him in the back and then after rolling his ankle fielding a bunt. This is definitely the part of the movie where I am developing my master plan to kill him to set me free. He can still win me back, but he better be damn charming.
- Now watching the Heat/Hawks game in the hotel bar (while drinking Ginger Ale, pretty much the most depressing thing ever) and I'm seeing Mario Chalmers. Who should have been a Wolf. What a horrible trade. Chalmers averaged 32 minutes, 10 points, and five assists per game and although there's no way he will be rookie of the year since Derrick Rose has that on lock, you could make the argument he's more valuable to the Heat than fellow rookie Michael Beasley (25 minutes, 14 points, 5 boards). Looking at NBADraft.net's latest mock, with the second rounder from Miami (#48, Chalmers was 34) they have the Wolves taking Roderick Flemings from Hawaii (who is my boy but still) with Luke Harangody, JP Prince, and Raymar Morgan as other possibilities. What are the odds those guys come in on Chalmer's level? No way. Just another horrible trade in a long, long list of awful moves.
- Also I should note that it appears the Heat are coached by a hispanic child. Must be some kind of promotion, although I would probably use those in the regular season. Weird time to do it in the playoffs.
- Last thing before I pass out in a swine flu haze: I keep forgetting to post this, but Dawger and I did a little draft of all-time Gopher teams on our road trip to Madison. Which team wins and why? (mid-80s and newer only) -
- Being linked by the best and funniest sports blog out there, WithLeather, is not only an ego boost, but also a traffic boost, as when they linked our Video Game Mock Draft our daily hits were 7.5x higher than a usual day. Thanks again, WithLeather.
- Last night for dinner our group went to a U of Princeton Bar & Grill. There were not equations on the wall and shit.
- At one point in the car I was trying to find a local sports radio station as I usually do, and came across a religious preacherman instead. He said, "I advise teenagers and young people not to date at all. When you are ready for someone, god will give them to you. Spending time in a relationship not given by god is just wasting your time." I love these people.
- Have you ever seen that movie Enough? Me neither, but from what I figured it's about J-Lo who is mad that her husband is beating her up and fights back and probably kills him. That's how I feel about my boyfriend Cole Hamels right now. I gave him everything, forsaking all others, and now how has repaid me? With outright suckitude. He sucked hard in his first two starts, compiling an ERA of 11.17, and although he's been better since, he's also left both of his last two starts early with injuries, first after a line drive hit him in the back and then after rolling his ankle fielding a bunt. This is definitely the part of the movie where I am developing my master plan to kill him to set me free. He can still win me back, but he better be damn charming.
- Now watching the Heat/Hawks game in the hotel bar (while drinking Ginger Ale, pretty much the most depressing thing ever) and I'm seeing Mario Chalmers. Who should have been a Wolf. What a horrible trade. Chalmers averaged 32 minutes, 10 points, and five assists per game and although there's no way he will be rookie of the year since Derrick Rose has that on lock, you could make the argument he's more valuable to the Heat than fellow rookie Michael Beasley (25 minutes, 14 points, 5 boards). Looking at NBADraft.net's latest mock, with the second rounder from Miami (#48, Chalmers was 34) they have the Wolves taking Roderick Flemings from Hawaii (who is my boy but still) with Luke Harangody, JP Prince, and Raymar Morgan as other possibilities. What are the odds those guys come in on Chalmer's level? No way. Just another horrible trade in a long, long list of awful moves.
- Also I should note that it appears the Heat are coached by a hispanic child. Must be some kind of promotion, although I would probably use those in the regular season. Weird time to do it in the playoffs.
- Last thing before I pass out in a swine flu haze: I keep forgetting to post this, but Dawger and I did a little draft of all-time Gopher teams on our road trip to Madison. Which team wins and why? (mid-80s and newer only) -
Monday, April 13, 2009
Weekend Review
So who else is going to miss Travis Busch? Remember that one time when he fell on the floor? Or that other time when he ended up on the ground? Or the way he always fell down at every opportunity? Man, what a bummer. That Travis Busch, he do be hustlin.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Evan Longoria. The 2008 rookie of the year hasn't exactly slowed down, leading the majors after the first week of play with five home runs after hitting twenty-seven last year. He is also second with 10 rbi, and has blistered the ball at a .481/.481/1.185 clip - yes that slugging percentage is accurate and is also tops in the majors. In an era where it seems like more prospects flame out than produce (I'm looking your way Delmon), it's rare to see a kid like this shoot to the top of the league's best. When the Rays signed him to a lucrative five year deal when he was still in the minors it raised some eyebrows, but now it looks genius since they are only going to have to pay him $17 million over the next seven freaking years (assuming they don't re-work the deal). Seriously, he's only making $550,000 this year for that kind of production. Nice.
2. Roy Halladay. The first pitcher to get to two wins this year, Halladay shut down the Indians on Saturday, giving up just one run and five hits while striking out seven or seven innings. He was hurt by the long ball in his first start, giving up a couple of solo shots to the Tigers, which is why he has a less than impressive 3.86 ERA right now, but his 1.00 WHIP, .212 OBA, and 3-to-1 K/BB ratio says he is still a top pitcher again this year. And why not? The guy has been lights out every year he’s been healthy, finishing in the top five in the Cy Young voting the past three years and winning it in 2003 – and he had nine complete games last year, just to prove he’s a man’s man – all while playing for the crappy Blue Jays. I’m a big Halladay fan. It sickens me that he’s going to make $14 million this year and A.J. Burnett is going to make $16.5. So wrong.
3. Emilio Bonifacio & Josh Johnson. It’s ok if you haven’t heard of either of these guys, but they are pretty much the biggest two reasons the Marlins are currently 5-1 and sitting on top of the NL East. Bonifacio, who came over in a weird ass trade that the Nationals made for Josh Willingham, who is now their fourth outfielder, has absolutely been on fire and has really been a catalyst for the team. He's second in the NL in average, batting .500, and leads the league in steals with four already. He's also shown a bit of pop, with a double, triple, and inside-the-park home run mixed in there. He obviously can't keep up this pace, but if he can manage a three hundred average that trade is going to look worse than it already does.
As good as Bonifacio has been, Johnson has been even better on the hill for the Marlins. He's 2-0, and has posted an ERA of 0.57 (leading all two start pitchers) and a WHIP of 0.83. His last time out he out-dueled Johan Santana, pitching a complete game against the Mets, striking out seven while giving up just five hits and one run. Johnson returned in the middle of last season from Tommy John surgery and pitched well, coming into this season as kind of a sleeper in fantasy circles. I don't think anybody expected him to look this dominating though. With these two joining the group Florida put together, the Marlins are suddenly a threat to win the division.
4. Nick Swisher. Good with the A's, horrible with the Sox, and now suddenly Swisher looks reborn in pinstripes. He started the season as a backup for the Yanks, but after getting a start in the third game and killing the ball, he's started every game since and looks like an all-star, hitting .471/.550/1.118 with two home runs and 9 rbi. One of Swisher's best skills has always been his ability to work a count and take a walk (he's had more than 80 walks the past three years) and to hit for power, but he's never hit for a particularly high average - especially last year when he struggled to get over .200, finishing at .219 and leading the Sox to trade him. If he can add a high average to the power and the walks, look out.
5. Adam Lind. I’ve been pimping Travis Snider, who has been good at .286/.286/.643, but the real story for the Jays offense has been Lind, who is off to tremendous start in his third major league season. He leads the league in RBI with 12, and has crushed opponents' pitching to the tune of .400/.419/.767 with 3 home runs. If you hadn't heard of him that's ok, I had barely heard of. He was considered an elite prospect at one time, but failed to live up to that promise his first two years, failing to break a .760 OPS in either season. Is he now living up to the hype, or is this nothing more than a hot start that we can expect to fade? I don't know, but now he gets to come to the cozy Metrodome and face home run giving up machines Slowey, Perkins, and Baker and hit balls over the baggy, so his hot start will probably continue for at least another week.
WHO SUCKED
1. Minnesota Twins Offense. Uh oh, folks. You can’t explain all the team’s offensive troubles away by saying Mauer is missing, and it’s been ugly. Span has been awesome as a leadoff hitter (.419 OBP with 5 walks) and Nick Punto has been good (.353 BA with a .476 OBP), but that's pretty much it other than a couple of nice Morneau home runs. Delmon is hitting .133, Gomez is at .136, and Crede is at .160 as the team has more regulars hitting under .200 than over .300. Also I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but getting shut out twice in your first six games is not good. Once again, it doesn't seem to matter who is on the mound, good young pitchers (Felix Hernandez), old washed up pitchers (Bartolo Colon), injured pitchers (Erik Bedard), mediocre pitchers (Jarrod Washburn), or long-time nemesises (Mark Buehrle) they are getting shut down far too often already. Currently ranking in the bottom five in the league in average, OBP, and slugging, they will get a boost when (if?) Mauer returns, but some of these other guys need to turn it around in a hurry.
Lastly, if you saw Delmon's homerun yesterday it was a thing of beauty and a little preview into what he could become with a little more patience. He took two close pitches that were off the plate to get to a 2-0 count, and then hit the next meaty fastball over the middle out of the yard. If he can do that more often, maybe he can live up to his alleged tremendous potential.
2. Cliff Lee. Well it’s official, Cliff Lee sucks and I’m a moron – or even more of a moron than usual, I guess I should say. Lee lost again to drop to 0-2, and lost again in blowout fashion against Toronto on Saturday. Last year’s fluke pitched just five innings, giving up 7 hits and 4 walks on the way to giving up 4 earned runs. This now leaves Lee at 0-2, with a WHIP of 2.20 and an ERA of 9.90. I still don’t get it. How can a pitcher completely dominate for a full year, like Cliffy last season, and suddenly complete lose it just one year later? There’s nothing that says Lee should suck now, both his BABIP and LOB % last year weren’t fluky, completely weird numbers that deflated his ERA, but watching him pitch this year all of a sudden who the hell knows what’s going on. Glad I have him on two fantasy teams (actually, on one team my three top starters are Lee, Liriano, and Roy Oswalt – all 0-2 after this weekend). This also keeps the Indians in a bad way, sitting at 0-5 to start the year (they did win on Sunday to get to 1-5).
3. Tim Lincecum. The other Cy Young award winner from last season hasn’t had much success either. Unlike Lee, there weren't many questions about Lincecum. The only real issue was how many wins he would be able to pick up, considering the Giants are awful, but that his other stats should still be pretty good. Not the case thus far. The little guy lasted just three innings (a career low) in his opening day start against Milwaukee, giving up 3 runs, 4 hits, and 3 walks before getting pulled and looking generally unimpressive, and then followed that up on Saturday by giving up a career high 10 hits to go with three walks and four runs in just 5 and 1/3. Something is very much off right now, as he is fifth in the league with 14 hits allowed in just 8.1 innings, and has walked to many guys resulting in a 2.40 WHIP, the second worst number in the league amongst pitchers with two starts. I would expect him to rebound more than I would Lee, but neither have looked anywhere near their 2008 form thus far.
4. Cole Hamels. He’s still my boyfriend and all, but he certainly didn’t impress me in his first start since winning the World Series MVP, getting lit up by the Rockies to the tune of 11 hits and 7 earned runs allowed in just 3 and 2/3 innings pitched. He had a bit of an injury scare in Spring Training with a sore elbow, but it was supposed to be nothing more than elbow inflammation. Does this mean he’s hurt more than we think? It could be, especially since his fastball averaged just 87 mph in that game compared to his career average of 90. It’s something to keep an eye on, especially with Hamels poor history with injuries. If he’s hurt I might have to kill myself. Or just find a new obsession. Halladay looking pretty good these days.
5. Everyone in contention at the Masters. I could I suppose put Angel Cabrera in the awesome column for winning, but it really didn’t feel like anybody won the tournament as much as everybody lost it and Cabrera won by everyone else screwing up worse. The top two, Cabrera and Perry, both played half-assed throughout the tournament until Perry birdied 15 and hit an incredible tee shot at 16 to birdie again and get to -14 and a two stroke lead. He then proceeded to pull an Albany and shat all down his leg, bogeying the final two holes to drop into a three-way tie with Cabrera and Chad Campbell (who actually played at -3 on the day and based on his four days in Augusta probably should have ended up winning).
The playoff was even more of a choke-fest, with Cabrera in the woods, Campbell in the sand, and Perry chunking his approach shot. Perry and Cabrera saved par, but Campbell missed a short par putt to eliminate himself. On the final hole, Cabrera played well and Perry doinked his approach way off to the left of the green, giving Cabrera an easy win. It was pretty lame. Like watching Greg Norman and Steve Stricker battle down the stretch.
The most exciting part of the final round was watching Mickelson and Woods, who were grouped together, make a run up the leaderboard to get back into contention. Mickelson tied a Masters record with a 30 on the front side to get to -10 and just two shots back, but lost his mojo with a double bogey after hitting into the water at twelve, and ended up at +1 on the back to finish three shots back in fifth. Woods started more slowly, but turned it on after the turn, going three under on holes 13-16, also getting to -10. He then bogeyed the final two holes, however, to finish in a tie for sixth with John Merrick and Steve Flesch, and Steve Stricker.
So yeah, congrats Angel Cabrera on your second major win. It wasn’t the most impressive, but winning a war of attrition is still winning.
And that'll do it. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to attempt to do Daily Updates rather than weekly. Don't worry your pretty little head, they'll still be additional posts sprinkled throughout the week, hopefully with a little bit of Sidler Nerd Baseball talk, Dawger movie reviews and Gopher updates, and Snake hockey bits.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Evan Longoria. The 2008 rookie of the year hasn't exactly slowed down, leading the majors after the first week of play with five home runs after hitting twenty-seven last year. He is also second with 10 rbi, and has blistered the ball at a .481/.481/1.185 clip - yes that slugging percentage is accurate and is also tops in the majors. In an era where it seems like more prospects flame out than produce (I'm looking your way Delmon), it's rare to see a kid like this shoot to the top of the league's best. When the Rays signed him to a lucrative five year deal when he was still in the minors it raised some eyebrows, but now it looks genius since they are only going to have to pay him $17 million over the next seven freaking years (assuming they don't re-work the deal). Seriously, he's only making $550,000 this year for that kind of production. Nice.
2. Roy Halladay. The first pitcher to get to two wins this year, Halladay shut down the Indians on Saturday, giving up just one run and five hits while striking out seven or seven innings. He was hurt by the long ball in his first start, giving up a couple of solo shots to the Tigers, which is why he has a less than impressive 3.86 ERA right now, but his 1.00 WHIP, .212 OBA, and 3-to-1 K/BB ratio says he is still a top pitcher again this year. And why not? The guy has been lights out every year he’s been healthy, finishing in the top five in the Cy Young voting the past three years and winning it in 2003 – and he had nine complete games last year, just to prove he’s a man’s man – all while playing for the crappy Blue Jays. I’m a big Halladay fan. It sickens me that he’s going to make $14 million this year and A.J. Burnett is going to make $16.5. So wrong.
3. Emilio Bonifacio & Josh Johnson. It’s ok if you haven’t heard of either of these guys, but they are pretty much the biggest two reasons the Marlins are currently 5-1 and sitting on top of the NL East. Bonifacio, who came over in a weird ass trade that the Nationals made for Josh Willingham, who is now their fourth outfielder, has absolutely been on fire and has really been a catalyst for the team. He's second in the NL in average, batting .500, and leads the league in steals with four already. He's also shown a bit of pop, with a double, triple, and inside-the-park home run mixed in there. He obviously can't keep up this pace, but if he can manage a three hundred average that trade is going to look worse than it already does.
As good as Bonifacio has been, Johnson has been even better on the hill for the Marlins. He's 2-0, and has posted an ERA of 0.57 (leading all two start pitchers) and a WHIP of 0.83. His last time out he out-dueled Johan Santana, pitching a complete game against the Mets, striking out seven while giving up just five hits and one run. Johnson returned in the middle of last season from Tommy John surgery and pitched well, coming into this season as kind of a sleeper in fantasy circles. I don't think anybody expected him to look this dominating though. With these two joining the group Florida put together, the Marlins are suddenly a threat to win the division.
4. Nick Swisher. Good with the A's, horrible with the Sox, and now suddenly Swisher looks reborn in pinstripes. He started the season as a backup for the Yanks, but after getting a start in the third game and killing the ball, he's started every game since and looks like an all-star, hitting .471/.550/1.118 with two home runs and 9 rbi. One of Swisher's best skills has always been his ability to work a count and take a walk (he's had more than 80 walks the past three years) and to hit for power, but he's never hit for a particularly high average - especially last year when he struggled to get over .200, finishing at .219 and leading the Sox to trade him. If he can add a high average to the power and the walks, look out.
5. Adam Lind. I’ve been pimping Travis Snider, who has been good at .286/.286/.643, but the real story for the Jays offense has been Lind, who is off to tremendous start in his third major league season. He leads the league in RBI with 12, and has crushed opponents' pitching to the tune of .400/.419/.767 with 3 home runs. If you hadn't heard of him that's ok, I had barely heard of. He was considered an elite prospect at one time, but failed to live up to that promise his first two years, failing to break a .760 OPS in either season. Is he now living up to the hype, or is this nothing more than a hot start that we can expect to fade? I don't know, but now he gets to come to the cozy Metrodome and face home run giving up machines Slowey, Perkins, and Baker and hit balls over the baggy, so his hot start will probably continue for at least another week.
WHO SUCKED
1. Minnesota Twins Offense. Uh oh, folks. You can’t explain all the team’s offensive troubles away by saying Mauer is missing, and it’s been ugly. Span has been awesome as a leadoff hitter (.419 OBP with 5 walks) and Nick Punto has been good (.353 BA with a .476 OBP), but that's pretty much it other than a couple of nice Morneau home runs. Delmon is hitting .133, Gomez is at .136, and Crede is at .160 as the team has more regulars hitting under .200 than over .300. Also I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but getting shut out twice in your first six games is not good. Once again, it doesn't seem to matter who is on the mound, good young pitchers (Felix Hernandez), old washed up pitchers (Bartolo Colon), injured pitchers (Erik Bedard), mediocre pitchers (Jarrod Washburn), or long-time nemesises (Mark Buehrle) they are getting shut down far too often already. Currently ranking in the bottom five in the league in average, OBP, and slugging, they will get a boost when (if?) Mauer returns, but some of these other guys need to turn it around in a hurry.
Lastly, if you saw Delmon's homerun yesterday it was a thing of beauty and a little preview into what he could become with a little more patience. He took two close pitches that were off the plate to get to a 2-0 count, and then hit the next meaty fastball over the middle out of the yard. If he can do that more often, maybe he can live up to his alleged tremendous potential.
2. Cliff Lee. Well it’s official, Cliff Lee sucks and I’m a moron – or even more of a moron than usual, I guess I should say. Lee lost again to drop to 0-2, and lost again in blowout fashion against Toronto on Saturday. Last year’s fluke pitched just five innings, giving up 7 hits and 4 walks on the way to giving up 4 earned runs. This now leaves Lee at 0-2, with a WHIP of 2.20 and an ERA of 9.90. I still don’t get it. How can a pitcher completely dominate for a full year, like Cliffy last season, and suddenly complete lose it just one year later? There’s nothing that says Lee should suck now, both his BABIP and LOB % last year weren’t fluky, completely weird numbers that deflated his ERA, but watching him pitch this year all of a sudden who the hell knows what’s going on. Glad I have him on two fantasy teams (actually, on one team my three top starters are Lee, Liriano, and Roy Oswalt – all 0-2 after this weekend). This also keeps the Indians in a bad way, sitting at 0-5 to start the year (they did win on Sunday to get to 1-5).
3. Tim Lincecum. The other Cy Young award winner from last season hasn’t had much success either. Unlike Lee, there weren't many questions about Lincecum. The only real issue was how many wins he would be able to pick up, considering the Giants are awful, but that his other stats should still be pretty good. Not the case thus far. The little guy lasted just three innings (a career low) in his opening day start against Milwaukee, giving up 3 runs, 4 hits, and 3 walks before getting pulled and looking generally unimpressive, and then followed that up on Saturday by giving up a career high 10 hits to go with three walks and four runs in just 5 and 1/3. Something is very much off right now, as he is fifth in the league with 14 hits allowed in just 8.1 innings, and has walked to many guys resulting in a 2.40 WHIP, the second worst number in the league amongst pitchers with two starts. I would expect him to rebound more than I would Lee, but neither have looked anywhere near their 2008 form thus far.
4. Cole Hamels. He’s still my boyfriend and all, but he certainly didn’t impress me in his first start since winning the World Series MVP, getting lit up by the Rockies to the tune of 11 hits and 7 earned runs allowed in just 3 and 2/3 innings pitched. He had a bit of an injury scare in Spring Training with a sore elbow, but it was supposed to be nothing more than elbow inflammation. Does this mean he’s hurt more than we think? It could be, especially since his fastball averaged just 87 mph in that game compared to his career average of 90. It’s something to keep an eye on, especially with Hamels poor history with injuries. If he’s hurt I might have to kill myself. Or just find a new obsession. Halladay looking pretty good these days.
5. Everyone in contention at the Masters. I could I suppose put Angel Cabrera in the awesome column for winning, but it really didn’t feel like anybody won the tournament as much as everybody lost it and Cabrera won by everyone else screwing up worse. The top two, Cabrera and Perry, both played half-assed throughout the tournament until Perry birdied 15 and hit an incredible tee shot at 16 to birdie again and get to -14 and a two stroke lead. He then proceeded to pull an Albany and shat all down his leg, bogeying the final two holes to drop into a three-way tie with Cabrera and Chad Campbell (who actually played at -3 on the day and based on his four days in Augusta probably should have ended up winning).
The playoff was even more of a choke-fest, with Cabrera in the woods, Campbell in the sand, and Perry chunking his approach shot. Perry and Cabrera saved par, but Campbell missed a short par putt to eliminate himself. On the final hole, Cabrera played well and Perry doinked his approach way off to the left of the green, giving Cabrera an easy win. It was pretty lame. Like watching Greg Norman and Steve Stricker battle down the stretch.
The most exciting part of the final round was watching Mickelson and Woods, who were grouped together, make a run up the leaderboard to get back into contention. Mickelson tied a Masters record with a 30 on the front side to get to -10 and just two shots back, but lost his mojo with a double bogey after hitting into the water at twelve, and ended up at +1 on the back to finish three shots back in fifth. Woods started more slowly, but turned it on after the turn, going three under on holes 13-16, also getting to -10. He then bogeyed the final two holes, however, to finish in a tie for sixth with John Merrick and Steve Flesch, and Steve Stricker.
So yeah, congrats Angel Cabrera on your second major win. It wasn’t the most impressive, but winning a war of attrition is still winning.
And that'll do it. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to attempt to do Daily Updates rather than weekly. Don't worry your pretty little head, they'll still be additional posts sprinkled throughout the week, hopefully with a little bit of Sidler Nerd Baseball talk, Dawger movie reviews and Gopher updates, and Snake hockey bits.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Gophers vs. Illinois, Sort of Live Blog
Do you realize it's the first live blog of the year for me? It's also not completely live, since I'm watching this on Tivo on tape delay, by request from Mama W. Since I can't wander over to The Daily Gopher or From the Barn to chat, I might as well put my thoughts here.
Oh, and yes I'm drinking. Bet you can't guess what.
- Dawger just called and Holy F is that kid fired up about both tonight's game as well as whoever that was who called his ugly baby ugly. I also got a facebook message from Mama Dawger you just said, "I am going to kill you." This is a terrifying evening.
- Text from Snacks. The tickets that were sold tonight apparently went to a spastic, energetic and loud Illini fan, currently sitting right next to him. Murder is imminent. Bogart be at the ready, he's going to need a real lawyer.
- Geez big night already and the game hasn't even started yet, at least not for me.
- I still don't get the Gorillas. I'm not even close to getting them. Was it just the cheapest costume at Ragstock? Is it some kind of social commentary? Blatant, and crudely obvious racism? I don't get it.
- Westbrook on Meachem tonight. That says about where he ranks on the defensive confidence scale right now. It's an important assignment, but not necessarily a tough assignment. He will have to work and work hard coming around a lot of screens, but won't have to worry about being taken off the dribble. It's a worker role, not a skill role. It will be interesting to see how the laziest player in Gopher history does.
- And he hits a three to put the Gophers up 3-0. Urge to Kill: fading.
- Nolen gets absolutely toasted by Frazier and picks up foul #1. I have no clue, not even a tiny one, what is going on with Nolen sometimes. It's like trying to find Carmen Sandiego; impossible.
- Great, Iverson has decided he can't make layups anymore. Gophers really not looking particularly good here, but still lead 3-1 with 16 minutes left. Luckily the Illini aren't hitting, but a lot of that has been good Gopher defense - said as future All-American Ralph Sampson blocks yet another shot.
- Great drive by Nolen to find Shamala for the easy lay-in. If Nolen can do that thing where he's actually good tonight that would go a long way towards a win.
- I just realized Shamala came off the bench before Hoffarber, and I have to say I don't like this one bit. As one-dimensional as Hoff is, Shamala is ten times worse. Plus, could there be a worse message to send a struggling shooter than, "You haven't hit much lately, we're going to put in a poor man's version of you because we don't trust you anymore?"
- Bostick misses a three badly, hopefully we haven't entered the part of the game where the Gophers just chuck threes.
- Hoff for three, and it was pretty. I am now shifting my prediction to a Gopher win.
- Tisdale just abused Iverson. Where is Sampson? Did he get two fouls when I wasn't looking? He then follows that up with a really lazy pass stolen by Illinois. Still no sign of Sampson.
- Tisdale = 0-1 vs. Ralph. On the other end, he draws a foul on him.
- Ralph needs a nickname. I vote for "Program Changer."
- Whoever #23 is = 0-1 vs. Sampson
- There has been some seriously good defense in this game, particularly on the Gophers side. I don't really know what happened or what changed, but they are looking like the late 80s Pistons over here. Even Hoff and Jamala are in shut down mode.
- Tisdale 1-2 now against Program Changer after hitting some lucky bullshit hook shot that looked less coordinated than Program Changer's own hook. I have also decided that I would accept "The Dynasty" as Ralph's nickname.
- Ralph Sampson's nickname related poll added on right.
- I still don't get the green guy. Dawger tried to explain it to me and mentioned something about Philadelphia, and then I tuned him out because I started thinking about Cole Hamels.
- Starting the second half, leading scorer in the game has 5 points (Keller, Hoff, Westie). I guess when you combine two very good defensive teams with two very balanced teams that sounds about right. I'm also less than thrilled to see Iverson out there. He's regressing faster than Voshon Lenard between his sophomore and junior years.
- McCamey absolutely loses Westbrook on a screen for a wide open layup. I don't really so much get what is what with him. Maybe when his cousin lost in the NFL playoffs it really messed with his head?
- The Dynasty is absolutely an awesome passer. He might win POY four times.
- DON'T LEAVE LITTLE WHITE GUYS OPEN THEY WILL MAKE THE SHOT EVERY TIME. fact.
- Gophers really doing a stellar job getting the ball inside, whether getting it to Iverson and Sampson or with Nolen driving.
- The Dynasty with an o-board and an assist on the same possession. Best gopher ever.
- Great pass from the best passing big man of all-time to set up Iverson for a three point play; of course he misses the free throw though. Sampson follows it up on the next possession by almost dunking on some stupid fool who got in his way. We are at 35-22 with 12:25 left after Ralph makes 1-2, probably because the rim isn't regulation.
- I'm starting to love the whole emotionless thing Sampson has going on.
- I'm now caught up, so I'm now chatting at the Daily Gopher. I'm pretty sure I'm drunk and obnoxious.
- Dammit. You know what would be a good name for Sampson is Jesus. Too late since the poll is already up.
- Sampson, Carter, Shamala, Hoffarber, Joseph? I've said this about fifty times this year, but I really don't like this lineup. Of course, Jesus makes 2-2 from the line to give the Gophers an 11 point lead. Which i like.
- Good news if you like awesome movies that are awesome. Mama W was trying to find something to watch online because she's really not interested in basketball, and particularly not in a defensive struggle. She finally decided to watch Nick & Nora'sInfinite Playlist, laughed several times in the first couple of minutes and finally decided to stop watching it saying, "This is good. We need to watch this together." That's good. She did not have this same reaction to Bride Wars.
- Someone over at the Daily Gopher just badmouthed Rico. I think heads are going to have to roll. I learned back when I was a drug dealer that you can't let one person get away with insolence. Once one does it, they'll all do it, so when you get the first whiff you have to kill that person. And that's how I ruled the west side.
- Ralph dunk. Call it game.
- Awesome awesome awesome. The only downside is that slacker Damian Johnson won the defensive player of the game and lazy ass Westbrook got player of the game from Big Ten Network over Ralph, I mean Jesus, who clearly deserved it. What more do you want him to do, rise from the dead? Cuz you better believe he'll do it.
- STOP with the overrated chant. Isn't the From the Barn guy there? He seems pretty sharp, can't he make them stop with that crap?
- Really though, they just picked up a 20+ point win over a 20th ranked Illinois team they hadn't beaten since the Nixon administration. They did it with perhaps the best defensive effort I can recall since I started watching the team, and by getting the best college big man of the last 20 years involved. Awesome.
- Since I'm in a such a good mood, here's a picture of Wonderbaby(tm), Dawger, and myself in Gopher gear. We look almost as good as Audrina.
Jesus that was a good, decisive, and significant win.
Oh, and yes I'm drinking. Bet you can't guess what.
- Dawger just called and Holy F is that kid fired up about both tonight's game as well as whoever that was who called his ugly baby ugly. I also got a facebook message from Mama Dawger you just said, "I am going to kill you." This is a terrifying evening.
- Text from Snacks. The tickets that were sold tonight apparently went to a spastic, energetic and loud Illini fan, currently sitting right next to him. Murder is imminent. Bogart be at the ready, he's going to need a real lawyer.
- Geez big night already and the game hasn't even started yet, at least not for me.
- I still don't get the Gorillas. I'm not even close to getting them. Was it just the cheapest costume at Ragstock? Is it some kind of social commentary? Blatant, and crudely obvious racism? I don't get it.
- Westbrook on Meachem tonight. That says about where he ranks on the defensive confidence scale right now. It's an important assignment, but not necessarily a tough assignment. He will have to work and work hard coming around a lot of screens, but won't have to worry about being taken off the dribble. It's a worker role, not a skill role. It will be interesting to see how the laziest player in Gopher history does.
- And he hits a three to put the Gophers up 3-0. Urge to Kill: fading.
- Nolen gets absolutely toasted by Frazier and picks up foul #1. I have no clue, not even a tiny one, what is going on with Nolen sometimes. It's like trying to find Carmen Sandiego; impossible.
- Great, Iverson has decided he can't make layups anymore. Gophers really not looking particularly good here, but still lead 3-1 with 16 minutes left. Luckily the Illini aren't hitting, but a lot of that has been good Gopher defense - said as future All-American Ralph Sampson blocks yet another shot.
- Great drive by Nolen to find Shamala for the easy lay-in. If Nolen can do that thing where he's actually good tonight that would go a long way towards a win.
- I just realized Shamala came off the bench before Hoffarber, and I have to say I don't like this one bit. As one-dimensional as Hoff is, Shamala is ten times worse. Plus, could there be a worse message to send a struggling shooter than, "You haven't hit much lately, we're going to put in a poor man's version of you because we don't trust you anymore?"
- Bostick misses a three badly, hopefully we haven't entered the part of the game where the Gophers just chuck threes.
- Hoff for three, and it was pretty. I am now shifting my prediction to a Gopher win.
- Tisdale just abused Iverson. Where is Sampson? Did he get two fouls when I wasn't looking? He then follows that up with a really lazy pass stolen by Illinois. Still no sign of Sampson.
- Tisdale = 0-1 vs. Ralph. On the other end, he draws a foul on him.
- Ralph needs a nickname. I vote for "Program Changer."
- Whoever #23 is = 0-1 vs. Sampson
- There has been some seriously good defense in this game, particularly on the Gophers side. I don't really know what happened or what changed, but they are looking like the late 80s Pistons over here. Even Hoff and Jamala are in shut down mode.
- Tisdale 1-2 now against Program Changer after hitting some lucky bullshit hook shot that looked less coordinated than Program Changer's own hook. I have also decided that I would accept "The Dynasty" as Ralph's nickname.
- Ralph Sampson's nickname related poll added on right.
- I still don't get the green guy. Dawger tried to explain it to me and mentioned something about Philadelphia, and then I tuned him out because I started thinking about Cole Hamels.
- Starting the second half, leading scorer in the game has 5 points (Keller, Hoff, Westie). I guess when you combine two very good defensive teams with two very balanced teams that sounds about right. I'm also less than thrilled to see Iverson out there. He's regressing faster than Voshon Lenard between his sophomore and junior years.
- McCamey absolutely loses Westbrook on a screen for a wide open layup. I don't really so much get what is what with him. Maybe when his cousin lost in the NFL playoffs it really messed with his head?
- The Dynasty is absolutely an awesome passer. He might win POY four times.
- DON'T LEAVE LITTLE WHITE GUYS OPEN THEY WILL MAKE THE SHOT EVERY TIME. fact.
- Gophers really doing a stellar job getting the ball inside, whether getting it to Iverson and Sampson or with Nolen driving.
- The Dynasty with an o-board and an assist on the same possession. Best gopher ever.
- Great pass from the best passing big man of all-time to set up Iverson for a three point play; of course he misses the free throw though. Sampson follows it up on the next possession by almost dunking on some stupid fool who got in his way. We are at 35-22 with 12:25 left after Ralph makes 1-2, probably because the rim isn't regulation.
- I'm starting to love the whole emotionless thing Sampson has going on.
- I'm now caught up, so I'm now chatting at the Daily Gopher. I'm pretty sure I'm drunk and obnoxious.
- Dammit. You know what would be a good name for Sampson is Jesus. Too late since the poll is already up.
- Sampson, Carter, Shamala, Hoffarber, Joseph? I've said this about fifty times this year, but I really don't like this lineup. Of course, Jesus makes 2-2 from the line to give the Gophers an 11 point lead. Which i like.
- Good news if you like awesome movies that are awesome. Mama W was trying to find something to watch online because she's really not interested in basketball, and particularly not in a defensive struggle. She finally decided to watch Nick & Nora'sInfinite Playlist, laughed several times in the first couple of minutes and finally decided to stop watching it saying, "This is good. We need to watch this together." That's good. She did not have this same reaction to Bride Wars.
- Someone over at the Daily Gopher just badmouthed Rico. I think heads are going to have to roll. I learned back when I was a drug dealer that you can't let one person get away with insolence. Once one does it, they'll all do it, so when you get the first whiff you have to kill that person. And that's how I ruled the west side.
- Ralph dunk. Call it game.
- Awesome awesome awesome. The only downside is that slacker Damian Johnson won the defensive player of the game and lazy ass Westbrook got player of the game from Big Ten Network over Ralph, I mean Jesus, who clearly deserved it. What more do you want him to do, rise from the dead? Cuz you better believe he'll do it.
- STOP with the overrated chant. Isn't the From the Barn guy there? He seems pretty sharp, can't he make them stop with that crap?
- Really though, they just picked up a 20+ point win over a 20th ranked Illinois team they hadn't beaten since the Nixon administration. They did it with perhaps the best defensive effort I can recall since I started watching the team, and by getting the best college big man of the last 20 years involved. Awesome.
- Since I'm in a such a good mood, here's a picture of Wonderbaby(tm), Dawger, and myself in Gopher gear. We look almost as good as Audrina.
Jesus that was a good, decisive, and significant win.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Rambling Sioux Fan Post + Additional Reader Content
Are you in the mood for a rambling, semi-incoherent post riddled with spelling mistakes? No, I'm not drunk again. It's time for an email from our favorite racist hockey female, Super Sioux Fan aka Momma Dawger. And if you manage to get through this whole thing, there's a video sent in by a DWG reader that is sure to annoy and horrify you. Anyway, here we go:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This weekend was pretty uneventful. Mostly because the Sioux had a by.... Yeah that is the only reason it was uneventful.
The Epic Gophers (that is what some guy at work called gopher hockey today...Epic) haha What a douche bag.
Anyways they shared a victory (Tie) with Sconnie on Friday night, then destroyed them on Saturday night.
In funny news Bemidji aka the worst team in the WCHA swept SCSU. That victory last weekend just isnt as sweet now is it gopher fans.
So as of now UofM is #1 in the WCHA and my Sioux are rockin #6. I believe we fell of the top 20 list according to espn.com. Granted this is never a great way to start out the season it is pretty typical of us. We start out shitty and start playing hockey around christmas time. That is usually when the gophers start to win less games and barely make the playoffs.
So I guess it is just another rough start of the season for my Fighting Sioux.
The Sioux play Sconnie next weekend and I am predicting a split. I would say we will sweep them but I am realistic although it is by no means impossible. Maybe Ryan Duncan can get his head out of his ass and remember that he is a god damn Hoby Baker winner. But the chances of that are slim. Maybe Finley will start some sweet fights and kick some Sconnie ass.
Hopefully the Sioux sat at home and used this weekend off to think about they actions last weekend. It was the most embarrasing display of hockey ever played....well not counting the Gopher vs Holy Cross game of course :)
PS. No you guys will NEVER live that down.
Siouxfan OUT!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there you go. Once again, I didn't bother to read it since it's about hockey, but she assures me it's awesome.
On to my other email, this one included a video and was sent in by Ryan M., who seems like a pretty awesome dude. I tried to come up with something clever to say about it, but it speaks for itself. It's a video for getting flu shots, something that is good, and they used the world's most annoying mascot, Goldy, something that is pure evil, so it's kind of a mixed message. Unless your message is to be really irritating. Or to say that you should get massive amounts of heroin injected into your blood stream by an oversized rodent.
You peoople should email more often. We could do a mailbag type deal, like the sports buy does but less bostony. Anyone? No? That's cool. I'm busy anyway.
P.S. I think Cole Hamels might be jesus.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This weekend was pretty uneventful. Mostly because the Sioux had a by.... Yeah that is the only reason it was uneventful.
The Epic Gophers (that is what some guy at work called gopher hockey today...Epic) haha What a douche bag.
Anyways they shared a victory (Tie) with Sconnie on Friday night, then destroyed them on Saturday night.
In funny news Bemidji aka the worst team in the WCHA swept SCSU. That victory last weekend just isnt as sweet now is it gopher fans.
So as of now UofM is #1 in the WCHA and my Sioux are rockin #6. I believe we fell of the top 20 list according to espn.com. Granted this is never a great way to start out the season it is pretty typical of us. We start out shitty and start playing hockey around christmas time. That is usually when the gophers start to win less games and barely make the playoffs.
So I guess it is just another rough start of the season for my Fighting Sioux.
The Sioux play Sconnie next weekend and I am predicting a split. I would say we will sweep them but I am realistic although it is by no means impossible. Maybe Ryan Duncan can get his head out of his ass and remember that he is a god damn Hoby Baker winner. But the chances of that are slim. Maybe Finley will start some sweet fights and kick some Sconnie ass.
Hopefully the Sioux sat at home and used this weekend off to think about they actions last weekend. It was the most embarrasing display of hockey ever played....well not counting the Gopher vs Holy Cross game of course :)
PS. No you guys will NEVER live that down.
Siouxfan OUT!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there you go. Once again, I didn't bother to read it since it's about hockey, but she assures me it's awesome.
On to my other email, this one included a video and was sent in by Ryan M., who seems like a pretty awesome dude. I tried to come up with something clever to say about it, but it speaks for itself. It's a video for getting flu shots, something that is good, and they used the world's most annoying mascot, Goldy, something that is pure evil, so it's kind of a mixed message. Unless your message is to be really irritating. Or to say that you should get massive amounts of heroin injected into your blood stream by an oversized rodent.
You peoople should email more often. We could do a mailbag type deal, like the sports buy does but less bostony. Anyone? No? That's cool. I'm busy anyway.
P.S. I think Cole Hamels might be jesus.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Game 1: I'm not Drinking. Well maybe a little.
I'm not drinking or anything, so you should probably stop reading right now, but since I love the World Series just so damn much I figured I might as well put down a thought or two.
- Seriously, I really love the World Series. I've been majorly looking forward to it all day, and not just because my boyfriend Cole Hamels is pitching. I think if the Twins ever get to another series in my lifetime (not bloody likely) I might not be able to take it. I could possibly, quite literally, explode.
- On the radio on the way home tonight, some doofus was talking about how this series is the talent of the Rays vs. the experience of the Phillies. What the hell does that even mean? The Phillies are just as talented as the Rays, and have just as much World Series experience. So I'd say it's the talent of the Phillies vs. the talent of the Rays. Kind of like every World Series/Playoff Series/regular season game.
- The Backstreet Boys? What year is it, 1983?
- Phillies to win tonight and to win the series, if you're curious.
- We have Utley here to not get a hit tonight, but I wouldn't mind a dinger donger right here.
- HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 2-0. That should be more than Hamels needs.
- First batter for the Rays, Ichiro-Lite, get's an infield hit because Ryan Howard is too fat to move. Guy is a perfect DH, too bad there's no DH in the NL. Wait, what's that you say? American League park tonight, thus there is a DH? Hmmm, perhaps whoever the Phillies manager is (is it Charlie Manuel, maybe?) is like Ron Gardenhire. Because you know damn well if he was in this situation no way Howard would DH. If he doesn't have the energy to move Redmond down in the order no way would he even begin to imagine something as radical as "move the fat guy to DH." Which reminds me, how is Matt Stairs in the NL at all? Where does he play? He has to be like a designated pinch hitter, right?
- Victorino was out there. Break for the Phils.
- Uh, nevermind. Why would you send him there on Upton? Upton has an absolute cannon, and that fly ball (nay, pop up) was barely beyond the infield, might have been shorter than the Griffey/Cuddyer play. I know Victorino is fast, I mean, they don't call him the Flyin' Hawaiian because he's high on crack cocaine like Jeff Dubay, but I don't even think Vince Coleman could have scored on that one.
- Garza backs up my assessment of Upton with the comment, "Don't test the Cannon! Don't test him!" Agreed.
- Hamels making people look silly, even my other boyfriend Evan Longoria who didn't even come close to making contact on that at bat. Watching Hamels pitch to Longoria is like watching my parents fight.
- God dammit, I really wish they'd stop pointing out the Rays/Twins trade. It makes my heart hurt.
- Upton v. Hamels with the bases loaded and one out. I don't feel too good.
- Double play hell to the yeah!! Hamels is like the white Johan Santana. (Ok, actually that ball was smashed and Pedro Feliz made an amazing play considering he's forty three years old).
- I just looked up Matt Stairs stats, and after coming to the NL in September he played in sixteen games and he had more than one at bat exactly once. And that time he had two. He started that game in RF, and it was the first game he was with the Phillies. I'm assuming they started him, and it took exactly four innings for them to realize he should be nowhere near the field of play unless he has a bat on his shoulder, and pinch hit Pat Burrell for him. Now that's funny.
- Back to back hits by Victorino (in serious danger of becoming Ecksteined by the media if the Phils win - except he's a lot better) and Feliz, and the Phillies have yet another scoring opportunity. They've been knocking Kazmir around in every inning, but except for the Utley homerun can't take advantage. I know Hamels is on the mound and what not, but it wouldn't hurt to grab a couple extra runs. You know, just in case.
- Well, they pick up one on a groundout, it's something at least. Phils making Kazmir throw a lot of pitches. Which Reusse would hate. I don't think I mentioned this anywhere, but the world's worst columnist wrote up an "article" which is pretty much nothing more than bitching about players who take walks. The title gives away the stupidity, "Games drag on in era that rewards the walk" and features bonus bitching about umpires by Tom Kelly. My favorite quote by Reusse: "Kelly played only briefly in the big leagues in the 1970s. He was around long enough to know that hitters were expected to swing the bat." Can't you just see him ranting and raving about how real men don't watch pitches go by. Real men swing at everything. If a real man had three balls and the next pitch was in the dirt, he'd swing just so he wouldn't embarrass himself by having to take a walk, which, as we all know, is worse than getting caught making sweet, sweet love to your third base coach. Homerun Carl Crawford. I should pay more attention. Also I just cracked a beer. Trader Joe's Oktoberfest.
- FYI: Darius Miles was cut by the Celtics, paving the way for Bill "Sky" Walker to dominate.
- Pena dropping Kazmir's girl-like throw at first here reminds me: Did you know that in adapted softball, if you hit someone in a wheelchair with the ball it's considered a caught ball? So all the adapted softball teams put a player in a wheelchair at first base, and the infielders just chuck the ball at them. True story.
- Man that Japanese guy is pesky. Foul ball, foul ball, foul ball, base hit - in this case a double to knock in Bartlett and make it 3-2. Let's see, he fouls pitches off and takes a lot of balls - Reusse must hate him. I know I hate him. And is there a scarier #2 hitter than BJ Upton? Yamma hamma, it's fright night.
- Upton fouls out to first as the fat guy I said should be a DH reaches into the stands to make the catch. That doesn't mean he can field, don't be foold. But let's not worry about that now, instead let's concentrate on how awesome Cole Hamels is. I wonder if there's any way the Twins could get him. He's still under salary control, as in he made only $500K this year (less than Nick Punto or 1/10th of what Livan Hernandez made) but I don't know how long that would last. Maybe they should offer Liriano, Delmon Young, and Scott Baker. And Joe Mauer. And whatever else the Phillies want. Throw in Adrian Peterson for the Eagles.
- Ryan "I'm a fat pig who can't play in the field but I can hit like a mofo" just played juggly ball with a grounder, and now Pena is on for Longoria with nobody down.
- Never mind, Pena picked off first. Why would you run there? With Longoria up? Don't think he can get an extra base hit? That makes no sense. Seriously people, the stolen base is an extremely overrated weapon. And that's a classic example of why. That's why Gardy loves it.
- Yet another wasted opportunity by the Phillies, leaving two on thanks to strikeouts of Howard and Victorecksteinino. That is an assload of runners left on base, and that usually doesn't work out particularly well for that team.
- If Toronto was in the World Series, would they still sing "God Bless America?"
- Hamels still dealing like Koufax, getting two week grounders and a strikeout, basically making most of the Rays look like fools - although definitely not the Japanese guy who is 3-3. Pretty much everybody else though. That should do it for him tonight, 7ip/5h/2bb/5k/2er. Pretty damn good. The Phillies should have him pitch 3 games in the series, even though that's so ten twenty years ago - like jean jackets and cocaine.
- I freakin' love the internet. Did I mention I'm watching the game on an internet feed? Go to www.justin.tv and click on sports, and there it is. Or any football game. Or any sporting event pretty much. Very cool stuff.
- With one out, following a Jayson Werth double, the Rays decide to walk Utley to pitch to Ryan Howard. Risky? Not really, he's looked absolutely lost up there. And now he's going to be facing a lefty in Trever Miller, who I could have sworn was a former Twin but it turns out he isn't.
- Well, it worked. Howard strikes out. AGAIN. On an absolute gem of a pitch. Howard has to act all like, "dude, ump, you screwed me, probably because I'm black you racist son of a bitch" because he's embarrassed at being such a shitty hitter to go along with being a terrible fielder. A dual threat, if you will.
- It works, and we go to the bottom of the ninth at 3-2 Phils. Hopefully Brad Lidge doesn't turn into that one version of Brad Lidge from a few years ago where he sucked. He's got Pena/Longoria/Crawford in a one run game, so it's gonna be a toughie.
- Lidge's slider is nasty. Almost as nasty as that gigantic mole on his face. I want to give him a quarter and have him go down to the docks and have a rat gnaw that thing off his face. MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY!!!!!!!!!
- That'll do it. And without a hit from Rollins or Howard.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
COLLEGE HOOPS PREVIEW: The Big 12
With practice starting around the nation on Friday (except at Illinois, who got to go early) I figured it's about time to start previewing a little college hoops action. I know it's not as controversial as college hockey or major league baseball, but it's still the main point of this retarded blog.
If you were around last year, you'll remember that I started to preview my top 50 teams, but got tired and bored after doing around 20 of them and quit. I've learned my lesson, I think, so I'm just going to hit on a few of the conferences here and there. I'll get around to the Big Ten eventually and do a bit bigger right up, but for now, I'm going to start with the Big Twelve, which should be a fairly deep and very good conference this season:
1. Baylor
A few short years ago the program was in total disarray, to the point that the non-conference season was canceled and people were dying. Then Aaron Bruce showed up and helped bring Baylor back into the national picture, even leading the team to the NCAA tournament last season. Now he's gone, but the team should be even better. The Bears are led on the perimeter by a quartet of awesome guards in Curtis Jerrells, LaceDarius Dunn, Henry Dugat, and Tweety Carter. Any of them can score, with Jerrells leading the way and also leading the team in assists. Dunn is an explosive scorer off the bench, and Dugat is a top flight defender. Baylor also has an outstanding inside presence in Kevin Rogers who has a shot at the Big 12 First Team this season after averaging 12.5 points and 8.5 rebounds last season. Help arrives in 6-9 freshman Anthony Jones, #44 on the Rivals Top 150. He can run, a must on this team, and can score inside and out. This team will score a lot of points. If you can still get them at 80-1 to win the National Championship, do it.
2. Texas
Every year, I'm like, "Texas is losing too much this year" and every year they prove me wrong. So, finally this year, I'm a believer in Barnes, his program, and his system. Even with DJ Augustin bolting for the NBA, the Longhorns are loaded and ready for another run. AJ Abrams is back, and is one of the best shooters in college hoops with a lightning quick release. An interesting wrinkle this season is that Abrams withdrew from the NBA draft after getting feedback that he will need to learn to play the point, so that will be the plan going into this year. All the other pieces are in place, with Justin Mason, Damion James, and Connor Atchley all back, with James an All-American candidate. The freshmen class will help with depth, but everything hinges on point guard play, whether it's Abrams sliding over or one of two freshmen getting up to speed quickly. Without that, they will struggle all year.
3. Oklahoma
Everyone loves Blake Griffin. I don't. And I like his gay brother Taylor even less. Seriously, way to go Griffin parents: Taylor and Blake? Anyway, even though I'm not a fan, he's good, even if incredibly boring. Like a Dusty Rychart with talent basically. Throw in a couple of good, experienced guards in Tony Crocker and Austin Johnson, and a top recruiting class, and they'll be in the Big 12 title hunt and in line for an early exit in March. Their class is highlighted by point guard Willie Warren, the #4 point guard for 2008 and the #10 overall prospect. Not only can he create and play the true PG role, but he can score too, and led all scorers in the McDonald's all star game. This team could be dangerous but probably won't be since their coach is an ex-Dookie.
4. Oklahoma State
It will be interesting to watch this team this season, with Travis Ford taking over for Sean Sutton and changing the team from halfcourt lockdown defense to a more up tempo type team. Almost as a symbol of the change, defensive stopper Marcus Dove is the only major contributor gone from last season's enigmatic squad. Good news for Ford is that the Cowboys strength lies in it's wing players, keys to an up tempo team. Wings James Anderson, Terrel Harris, and Obi Muonelo were three of the top four scorers for the Cowboys, and assuming Harris is let off his suspension they should be solid. The key for the team's success will be point guard Byron Eaton, who averaged over 20 points a game in a five game winning streak towards the end of last season. He's battled weight problems and inconsistency in his career, and hopes to put it all together for his senior season.
5. Kansas
National title, yes. Nobody coming back, also yes. Well, except Sherron Collins and Cole Aldrich. Aldrich could end up being the star on this team, breaking Minnesotan hearts all across the land. He looked good against UNC in the final four, and with Danny Manning there to help teach him he could make a big leap this season. Collins is the only returnee who averaged more than 9 minutes per game this season, and it will be up to him to lead Aldrich and a whole mess of newcomers. Of note are freshmen twin forwards Marcus (Rivals #29) and Markieff (#49) Morris and guards Travis Releford (#70) and Tyshawn Taylor (#77), all of whom have a chance to start. The newcomer most likely to make a big impact is junior college transfer Mario Little, the #1 ranked JuCo player by Rivals. Although as I wrote previously, when it comes to JuCo's you never really know what you're gonna get.
6. Missouri
This is a weird team. I could totally seem them finishing anywhere between 2nd and 11th in the conference this year. They play the 40 minutes of hell style coach Mike Anderson inherited from Nolan Richardson, and it is as inconsistent as it is fun to watch. A group of trouble-makers are gone, and the team now belongs to senior forwards DeMarre Carroll and Leo Lyons, who can score in bunches. The biggest question is at point guard, with last year's primary ballhandlers Stefhon Hannah, Jason Horton, and Keon Lawrence all gone. Look for freshman Miguel Paul to end up the starting PG, and look for him to do well. Last name Paul? Point guard? Yep, he's Chris Paul's cousin, and if he's even half as good as Paul these guys could really fly. When Baylor and Missouri play, expect the scores to be in the eighties.
7. Texas A&M
I really don't know much about this team. They lost solid guard Dominique Kirk, fat Joseph Jones, and overrated and very tall DeAndre Jordan, and I'm not really sure where that leaves them. Josh Carter is one of the best shooters in the Big Twelve, but without Acie Law IV his accuracy took a huge hit last year. Donald Sloan is back, but he never really impressed me much. The biggest key here is forward Bryan Davis (not the crying dude from Duke back in the day). He's a decent player who is really the only returning big man. He'll need to be more than decent to make A&M at all relevant this year. The most notable frosh is PG Dashan Harris (rivals #93), a true PG on a team lacking one.
8. Texas Tech
The Red Raiders were a perimeter oriented (dominated) team last year, and look to be again this season, except without last year's top player Martin Zeno. Alan "Don't call me Jake" Voskuil and John Robertson are talented guards with excellent outside shots, but who knows where any offense will come from beyond those two. Last season's top inside guy was Trevor Cook who averaged all of 4.9 points per game. They did little to address this weakness, pinning their new guy hopes on 6-8 freshman Corbin Ray, and the nicest thing I can find anybody writing about him was "Plays like Christian Laettner." Hopefully for Tech it's the college version and not the pro version.
9. Nebraska
Do you know how excited Cornhusker fans were to make the NIT last year? Really excited. How that's how awful their program is there. The NIT is their NCAA tournament, and nothing much looks like it's going to change, with last year's top player Aleks Maric graduating and nothing much coming in to help out. They have four starters back, but really, who cares? There best player is Ryan Anderson, who has the same name as that awesome dude for Cal last year, so I guess that's something.
10. Iowa State
Ouch. Remember Fred Hoiberg? Marcus Fizer? Jamaal Tinsley? Hell, even Mike Taylor before he went all J.R. Rider? The Cyclones have fallen, and fallen hard with mass defections. They continued again this off season, as their top returning player, Wesley Johnson, decided to transfer to Syracuse. Still, there is a little bit of talent here with Craig Brackins, a pretty tough post player, and Diante Garrett, who could develop into a solid pass first point guard. A deep, if not immensely talented freshmen class will help. Look out for freshman Dominique Buckley to make an impact.
11. Kansas State
With Mike Beasley and Bill "Sky" Walker bolting to the NBA, the cupboard is pretty bare at K State. The season hopes rest in the backcourt, with sophomore Jake Pullen and transfer from Miami Denis Clemente. They are definitely fast, and they are definitely streaky. Pullen was electric at times last season, running the break and finding those two awesome forwards on the wings as well as getting his own shot and dropping 20 on Kansas. I love this little dude even though sometimes his decision-making skills rival those of Tavaris Jackson. As far as the front court, there's really nothing to talk about there. Empty and worthless.
12. Colorado
What kind of outlook to you have when you go 3-13 in conference last season, and then lose possibly the best player in your program's history in Richard Roby, along with two other starters? I don't know, maybe it's time to defect and head on over to the WAC. The Buffaloes biggest hope is that freshman transfer from Wake Forest Casey Crawford is better than advertised. He's more of a post type banger, not really a program changer type, but still will probably end up as one of Colorado's best players this season along with Cory Higgins (Rod's kid). With a decent recruiting class, highlighted by familiar Austin Dufault, things are looking slightly up at CU, where they can look forward to finishing as high as seventh in the next ten years. With a little luck.
P.S. Cole Hamels is sick good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
