Two Fake Sharks for the Price of One (A DWG Live Movie Blog)

Sup dudes.  Been a long time since we've watched a stupid movie.  Since I refuse to watch Sharknado 2 because it's a blatant cash grab that's intentionally stupid, I'll fill that void by watching something on Netflix.  And not just any something, but something called Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark.  If you think this is the stupidest sounding movie you've ever heard of, well, it is.  Let's rock and roll anyway.

-  I would give you the synopsis of the movie here, but I don't think the title left any great mysteries.

-  We're starting in Egypt.  Maybe there's a giant shark encased in a pyramid or something.  Don't tell me one of these movies wouldn't jump all over that idea.

-  This boat is towing part of a glacier.  Is that a thing?  Then the glacier breaks and a giant shark broke free and it appears to be the size of a house.  I'm guessing this is the titular Mega Shark.  It then flipped its tail which sent the boat flying into the desert where it hit the Sphinx and knocked its head off.  I'm already regretting my decision to watch this.

-  All sea traffic and air traffic has been suspended in the whole world because of the shark.  That seems a bit drastic.

-  The UN "is working on a weapon to combat the giant shark."  I bet I know what it is, and I bet I'm going to hate my life for the next hour and a half.

-  And boom.  Mecha Shark, piloted by hot blonde scientist who used to be on Law and Order and speaks in a total monotone.  So we're six minutes in and we already have our sharks.  What's left to do?  Oh, right.  They probably battle for an hour and 24 minutes.  This was a really bad idea.

-  Mecha Shark just got attacked by two giant squids, which don't eat sharks, wouldn't attack a hunk of metal that didn't smell like food, and don't attack in pairs.  So we got that going for us.  Mecha Shark wins by the blonde lady switching to either "Eel Skin" or "Seal Skin" and something changed on the outside of the shark sub and the two squid went flying away.  I was going to rewind to figure out what she said but since neither makes even a lick of sense I figured why bother.

-  Mecha shark has torpedos.  Feels like cheating.

-  Ooh, there's a new version of the shark sub that hasn't had it's artificial intelligence program installed or had sea trials done, but the guy in charge says they have to get moving because "that thing killed my brother, and I don't like to lose" and hot blonde is like "let's go" and her husband is like "wait no" but she does it any way.  Women.

-  Lobster boat captain steals a line from Jaws, "Harbor master going to have a heart attack when sees what we brung him" which is probably meant as an homage but screw this movie.  Then the megalodon ate the boat.  Good.  Screw those guys.

-  Husband guy is going to known as Hootie.

-  Wait how was their a lobster boat on the water when all sea traffic has been banned?  Anarchy.

-  Holy shit Debbie Gibson!  Debbie Gibson!  I'm going to have to look up if she's playing the same character from that other movie or that other one, but she's definitely playing a scientist who must informed the Navy that the meg wouldn't be going anywhere without a mate so they're going to be dealing with one horny shark.  Yeah that happened.

-  It's a pretty fancy sub.  Looks like shark but it's all computer-y inside.  Too bad it's going to get raped.

-  Ooh the two sharks found each other.  First encounter.  This is like when Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man meet after level 2.

-  Robo Shark just hit real shark with a tracking tag.  Is that shark foreplay?

-  I can't figure out what happened here.  Some other sub, not the shark sub, was there and fired a torpedo at the real shark and hit it.  Then a torpedo started flying the other way and it hit that sub and it died.  I am not nearly drunk enough to not be able to figure this out if it made sense, so I'm going to assume it didn't make sense.  I also spent WAY to much time rewinding, which is just prolonging how far the end of this movie is.

-  So Debbie Gibson is playing the same character from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, who was different from her character in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.  She's got a ton of range.

-  Admiral guy, "I had friends on that sub."  This guy is really hung up on his friends dying.  What a pussy.  I still have no idea what happened to blow that sub up.  I'm going to assume the shark swallowed the torpedo and then barfed it back up at the sub.  Makes as much sense as whatever their actual explanation is.

-  OMG hot blonde lady pilot with the baritone has a bottle of vodka in her travel bag.  Like I wasn't already in love.

-  This megalodon is hyper aggressive.  It just ate an oil platform.  Because that's what sharks do, you see, eat things that in no way resemble their natural prey.  Nature's serial killers, that's what I always say.

-  One hour left.

-  Ok so remember how the sub didn't do "pressure tests" or whatever?  Well they just did this horrible scene where the pressure started affecting the systems and everyone was worried it would sink.  Luckily everything worked out ok and they docked it and started fixing the problem.  Ha ha just kidding after everything seemed regular again they started chumming to attract the meg again.

-  Now there's an oil leak.  This movie is moving at 100 miles per hour, but it's terrible.  Like putting an asian woman in a race car.

-  Some plane had a fuel emergency and needed to divert to some island that was in "restricted air space."  Naturally the meg jumped out of the water to try to eat it because that makes sense since a shark that just de-froze from a glacier would know that planes = food, but even better the shark sub followed it up into the air and bumped it off course like some kind of fancy hockey goalie guy so the plane was safe.  That was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen, and even worse I can picture two SyFy executives high fiving about it.

-  Megs mad about not getting eat a bunch of metal and fuel, so it attacks the shark sub, which fires a torpedo at it, which then gets slapped away by the Meg with its tail (this must be what happened early and totally makes sense because this is the kind of thing sharks do all the time in real life).  And it hits some aircraft carrier that was there and everyone dies.  I bet that admiral guy had friends on that boat.

-  This real shark is a lot more bitey than that fake shark.

-  Ok so the real shark was riding the fake share like rubbing up on its side and stuff (probably horny) and the monotone chick decided to remedy this by firing a torpedo into an underwater mountain which makes lots of rocks and stuff fall.  Those rocks and stuff sank the sub and knocked out the communications equipment.  And I'm guessing missed the real shark since there are 45 minutes left of this crap.

-  Wait it only knocked out the communications for 3 minutes.  This movie is horrible.

-  I bet the admiral had friends on that shark sub.

-  Totally horrible throw-away scene about launching fighter jets top gun style.  I wish could write more but honestly there's no way to do it justice.

-  Somehow that artificial intelligence program that's park of shark sub got the shark sub working again even though hot blonde who speaks in a monotone is still unconscious.  That AI thing almost has to turn evil at some point, right?  Isn't that the whole point of putting an AI program in a movie?

-  You want to know why this shark is attacking aircraft carriers like it's doing right now?  Because of the high frequency emitters.  Damn those commercial airplanes for testing their high frequency emitters.

-  So then the aircraft carrier currently under attack turns off it's high frequency emitters or whatever and then the shark jumps on top of the carrier and breaks it in half.  I don't know.  Shit's gotten really weird.

-  Blonde girl is still knocked out, according to the admiral the "only two other pilots who can pilot that sub were on that aircraft carrier and are now dead" (probably friends of his) and the AI program is agitating to go out on it's own.  That can't be good.  Everyone knows you can't trust machines.  My oven burns me every chance it gets.

-  Oh.  My.  God.  They let the AI program take the shark sub out by itself.  And get this.  IT HASN'T BEEN DEBUGGED.  David Kahn must be in charge over there.

-   The sharks are fighting and it looks as dumb as you'd think.  I still haven't figured out why this dumbass fish is attacking a robot.  I know the horny theory, but I'm pretty sure you need pheremones or something like that.  Or at least high frequency emitters.

-  Blondie is now pouring the vodka down the drain (which makes my heart hurt).  So that plot point never had anything to do with anything.  She never took a drink.  It never came up in conversation.  I feel like they're just toying with me.

-  37 minutes to go!

-  Debbie's back!

-  She knows where the Meg is heading, which seems like something they don't need to know since it seems to follow the shark sub like it's stuck in the friend zone.  He's heading towards Sydney, Australia because millions of years ago it was a Megalodon breeding ground.  I guess he really is horny.

-  Text from Snacks, "I get so bored watching most of these breaking bad episodes."  What's the procedure for disowning a brother?  Or murder?

-  Jesus another aircraft carrier.  And remember those fighter jets from before I referenced?  Either nothing happened with them or I wasn't paying enough attention and missed it.  Both equally likely.

-  AI program questioning its masters.  WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?

-  They need to get the sub there because if the meg shows up and there are no females it's going to be pissed.  I don't really think sharks have the capacity to get pissed, but even better they're evacuating Sydney.  The city.  Not the harbor, the city.  On land.  The people on land have to evacuate because a horny shark is in the water.  On land.  The people on land.  Because of a shark.

-  Shark showed up.  Did that thing again where it jumps in the air and lands on an aircraft carrier and it explodes.  Maybe it thought the ship was a female shark and it was going for some kind of fancy pile driver move.  I don't know.  I need to invent a new word for this movie.

-  Some lady can't find her daughter during the evacuation so blond monotone lady is going to help find her.  Nice work mom.

-  Shark just rammed the Sydney Opera House.  Probably on account of the high frequency flutes.  Or horny.  I had friends in that opera house.

-  Blonde lady found the kid who is now running away from her.  I would too.  She's clearly some kind of robot with all the monotone and stuff.

-  Once again, Debbie Gibson makes the point that the shark is horny and won't leave without a mate.  So basically the AI is going to decide to become a real shark and then it and the actual real shark and going to swim off into the sunset to go screw, right?  25 minutes!

-  Wait so now the metal shark (in full rogue, ignoring it's human masters, not responding to computer commands mode) jumped onto the remains of the opera house.  This movie is worse than Hitler.

-  Ok so there are two robot sharks now.  One must be the earlier model from the beginning of the movie.  I don't know.  I clearly missed something.  Maybe that would be the key to making this movie not horrible.  I'm terrible at movies.

-  Holy crap the rogue sub shark thing apparently has an "amphibious mode" and it just went all transformers on the bit (while ignoring its human masters) and it now has tank treads for feet and it's now rolling through the streets of Sydney eating stuff.  I apologize for making fun of the whole "city evacuation" thing earlier.  Clearly the admiral saw this coming.

-  For some reason blondie and Hootie have that kid from earlier, who is supposed to be six years old but is like 5 feet tall.  The mom isn't there and since she said "I'm not leaving without my daughter" I assume she's dead now.  Way to go Hootie.  First you ruin music, now this.

-  Everything's on fire.  I have no idea.

-  Debbie Gibson's plan is to get tank sub shark back in the water and then the meg will think it's a mate.  That's the whole plan.  Maybe a real shark humping a mechanical shark will make them both die.  That seems to be her plan.  Pretty hot in those playboy pics back when though.

-  They found the mom.  Another plot point that really went nowhere.  This is like shakespeare.

-  OMG you guys the shark sub has high frequency emitters on board!  Blonde lady can trigger them if she just can get on board the tank shark sub thing.  Which she did by jumping in its mouth.  Honest to god, I've watched some really bad movies, but I just don't even.

-  Man nothing went right for the Navy.  Not since Beau Morgan spurned them for Air Force has the Navy faced such a disaster.

-  Admiral guy is dropping depth charges on the real shark.  I feel like people really aren't communicating effectively here.

-  Speaking of Admiral, he just started firing a hand gun at the shark.  Fucking brilliant.  Guess what the shark did?  Yep, it jumped on the aircraft carrier (AGAIN!) which caused to explode.  The admiral had a lot of himself on that boat.

-  I will say the CGI shark actually looks better than anything else I've seen out of these shitty movies throughout the years.  I think that's where the budget for plot and writing and directing and choreography went.

-  All the Navy planes and stuff are shooting missiles at sub shark, which currently contains blonde lady.  Hootie's not happy.  Those two sentences make me hate my blog.

-  I rewound this twice to get it right, but the reason the AI malfunctioned is because of a "the system was hijacked my a drone mode overlay."  When I was younger I would have looked this up to figure out if it was a real thing, but at this point I"m going to assume it's not.  Much like all the rest of this scene where they throw out fancy words like "I need you to empty the jump stores."  Jump stores can't be a thing right?  At least not a computer thing.  I mean maybe you could go to a jump store and get fancy shoes like Reebok pumps or a trampoline or something, but it's can't be computer related.

-  I'm sure there was a reason for this but the real shark bit the fake shark and they both exploded and I admit to not knowing why but everything bad is dead.  This movie gave me glaucoma.

Two-Headed Horribleness: A DWG movie blog

Coming at you live from my couch, and it's time to use this fancy netflix thing I have now to watch something completely terrible, hopefully with people dying, and write words about it.  Today I have chosen 2-Headed Shark Attack for your enjoyment, as you probably surmised from the picture right above here.  I went with this movie for four reasons:

1.  It's on Netflix
2.  It sounds really stupid
3.  Carmen Electra

Yes, Carmen Electra, one of my first loves, is in this, along with Brooke Hogan who is famous for being a daughter and Charlie O'Connell who is famous for being a brother and has also been in at least one Live Movie Blog on here before.  So let's kick back with a drink (going with Bell's Christmas Ale to start, but I'm guessing my good buddy Vodka might make an appearance by the halfway point of this garbage) and enjoy some terrible acting, horrible science, and big breasts.  I'll set the mood:

 

 

All good?  Let's go.

-  Two chicks water skiing at the same time, there's almost now way the 2-headed shark doesn't eat them simultaneously, right?

-  Right.

-  I like this because there's these three douchebag guys who were driving the boat and the sharked rammed it and we're supposed to think they're in deep water but while they're "treading" water I can actually see the ocean floor.

-  Carmen.  Electra.  My god.  Still just stunning.  I can't even think right now.

-  Ok so here's some boat that appears to be some kind of school on a boat deal and Charlie O'Connell's the teacher, so that's the second biggest stretch of the movie so far.  The biggest is Brooke Hogan playing the "hot chick."  So far every character is a perfect stereotype - we have nerdy guy, nerdy chick, hot chick, mean jock, pothead guy, and bitchy chick.  I don't like any of them. 

-  Apparently this movie needed two writers, one for the story and one for the screenplay.  I feel like this is somehow the most absurd thing about this movie, and there's a two-headed shark involved. 

- Oh god more Carmen.  Is it hot in here?  It feels really hot in here.

-  The black girl talks really black.  You know what I mean.  Super good writing so far.  The characters really come to life. 

-  The school boat just ran over a dead megamouth shark, and nerdy guy rips off about 10 facts about the megamouth and you're not going to believe this, but they're all dead on balls accurate.  So some completely retarded movie about a 2-headed shark is the first syfy movie ever to actually research and put something factually accurate in the movie.  I did not see that coming.

-  So here's what happened:  the megamouth ended up going through the school ship's propellers injured the boat and made it start taking on water, while at the same time the massive amount of blood in the water attracted the totally realistic looking 2-headed shark to the boat.  So the school boat will have to land at this super small island that's probably going to be deserted or something while some blonde chick repairs the hull.  Not a euphemism.

-  So since I switched jobs about a year and a half ago you may have noticed a lack of updates regarding fancy dinners, and that's because we never have fancy dinners at this job.  But last week we did, and so you should know that we went with calamari, mozzarella stuffed meatballs, a couple of flatbreads, spicy shrimp, and brussels sprouts for appetizers, followed up by a caesar salad and then for my entree I had pesto sea bass with roasted asparagus with a thai chili beurre blanc.  Pretty good.  Toffee and Grand Marnier truffles for dessert.  I much prefer my current job to any other I've had, but man do I miss those kind of dinners.

-  The good news is there are about 20 "college students" on this island now and many of them are female and in bikinis.  The bad news is that everyone in this thing is either a terrible overactor or just a plain terrible actor, and we need more Carmen Electra.

-  Guess what's attracted to the sound/smell/sight of a welding torch underwater?  Yep, a 2-headed shark which roars, of course.  Sorry blonde girl, although I do like how the two heads fought over the meal and ended up tearing her in half.  If the computer effects were done by something more powerful than an etch-a-sketch that would have been really cool.  But hey, Carmen is not sunbathing in a tiny bikini.  Previously she was dancing in the sun in a tank top.  I enjoy how nobody is pretending she is anything she isn't in this movie.  It's kind of beautiful.

-  I feel bad for Brooke Hogan here and not just because of her dad.  She's clearly supposed to be the main star here but she's completely overshadowed by Carmen and really everybody else.  We know Brooke is supposed to be the star because she just told a story about almost getting attacked by a shark or something and how she hasn't been in the water since she was twelve.  So she signed up for semester at sea to get over her fear of the water because that's something people in movies do that people in real life would never ever do.

-  Uh oh, a guy and two girls snuck off and are about to go "swimming."  This never ends well.

-  Boobs?  We have boobs?  Whoa.  Since this was originally on SyFy I wasn't ready for this but I guess the netflix and DVD versions are different, because there are lots of minutes of boobs.  But here comes growly mcfunhater shark to blow things up, and right as we have two chicks making out.  Also, they're in water that's only up to their waists (to better expose the boobs, of course) but the huge shark (with 2-heads) somehow managed to kill both the girls and do so in such a way that it bit their legs and they started coughing up blood.  This is horrible.

-  I think there was an earthquake or something.  Not really sure but there was a loud noise and then everybody started yelling and pretending the ground was shaking.  Chuck O'Connell fell on a dock and now he has some blood on his leg and can't walk or something.  I suspect this is supposed to be a serious injury but it pretty much looked like he fell down and got a scrape.  And there's another earthquake or whatever and bitchy girl started crying so Brooke Hogan slapped her.  Everyone is mad at Brooke now but I think slapping a woman when she's crying or talking is something that should really start catching on.

-  Ha Ha Carmen Electra is playing a doctor.  Awesome.  Also Mr. O'Connell hasn't stopped whining about his leg.  Brooke Hogan needs to slap that bitch.

-  Two more students we were never introduced got eaten, but this time people saw it so now they know there's a shark.   A shark that kills indiscriminantly in as little as 3 feet of water besides being totally huge and also every time it attacks they show it coming up from deep water.  And also roars.

-  The students found some old fishing boats which apparently Brooke can fix and so now they have two working boats.  To be eaten.  Keep in mind these students have no idea anything is wrong other than their big school boat needs repairs, so there's no reason for them to steal these fishing boats other than to go joy riding, which is exactly what they're doing.  Kids today, no respect. 

-  Omg the island is sinking because the shark keeps ramming the island.  Go ahead and let that one sink in while I grab another beer. 

- And now we have looped footage of Carmen Electra yelling "get out of the god damn water."  Looped footage.  I have watched an awful lot of crap but this is the worst of the bunch, and it has Carmen Electra so you know it must be extra bad. 

-  Oh man that guy just got his arm ripped right off.  Just like Aaron Rodgers.  By the way, fantasty football is totally gay and if you play it you're stupid too.  I hate it and I'm quitting forever next year.

-  So I guess this is just some shark born with two heads.  And because it has two heads apparently boat motors really bug it because it has "hyper sensitive electromagnetic responders", which really goes along way towards why it keeps attacking swimmers.

-  "We're in shallow water now, the shark can't get to us."  OH BULLSHIT!  Haven't you been watching this movie Brooke?

-  This is so bad there isn't even much to say.  The atoll is sinking because the shark is ramming it, teh big boat doesn't work, and they can't use the little boats because the 2-headed shark has twice the "electromagnetic resonance" as a normal shark.  And yet it's all super boring. 

-  The plan is too create a super strong magnetic field to distract the shark using an electric generator and some metal polls.  It took two writers to come up with this. 

-  So how about Jason Kubel coming back to the Twins?  That's pretty cool.  Not cool?  I got ride of my Kubel shirt. 

-  The shark rammed charge generator and then ate a couple of characters we don't care about (while roaring).  Now there is nothing to distract the shark from Brooke Hogan who is the one who is welding the ship back together even though she's scared of the water. This seems more like a scooby doo episode than a movie.

-  I guess she fixed it because the mean jock guy is driving away now, which means he's leaving all the other students behind because they've already established he's a jerk who is only worried about himself.  Also earlier they said it would take at least a day to fix the hull but that was clearly about 15 minutes.  Shocking there would be continuity problems with a movie that also spent the majority of the time establishing that this mean guy was mean.  And now dead because the shark killed the school boat.  Because of all the electromagnitvity, you see.

-  Now that the atoll (fancy word for island) is about to sink the new plan is to climb the trees.  Seriously this is when SyFy clearly threw in the towel and just stopped trying altogether.  I would rather spend the entire weekend in Iowa than watch this again.  And I don't mean Ames which is pretty awesome or that Casino just over the border, I mean the bad parts of Iowa.  Most of it.  You know, the parts that literally smell like shit.

-  Carmen and O'Connell just got hit by a tidal wave (no idea where that came from) and the shark at the same time but it's ok because they realized they were about to die and started making out.  Lucky dude.  Hope he grabbed a feel.

-  Now alternating between shots of completely fake super tidal wavy water and the students screaming while in totally calm water.  Par for the course.  They locked themselves in a flooded shed but the shark is still knocking on the door like the big bad wolf and shit because that's how sharks totally act god this sucks I hope everybody involved went bankrupt. 

-  Roaring.  Kill me.

-  Somebody has a gun all of a sudden.  I don't know.  I need a drink.

-  Since 99% of this is computer generated so many of the scenes are clearly the director (if there is one) telling the actors, "ok, the shark is coming after you now, run towards the camera screaming" and it totally shows.

-  They're going to try to blow up a barrel of gas to kill the shark, because one of the students still alive somehow kept her beach bag with her through everything else including earthquakes and shark attacks (the 2-headed kind) and she happened to have a lighter.

-  The shark what ated everybody just got successfully fought off by Brooke Hogan with a piece of driftwood.  Then it bit the can of gasoline and blew up.  But wait!  Only one head blew up!  What a twist!!

-  The second head died when the shark bit the boat's engine, a behavior it hadn't exhibited throughout the entire movie.  This movie gave me eye cancer.

Sharknado: The Return of Tara Reid (a DWG Live Movie Blog)

A movie called Sharknado.  About sharks and tornadoes or sharks in tornadoes or tornadoes made of sharks or something awesome like that.  Starring my old flame Tara Reid, and the never aging Ian Ziering?  Written by the guy who wrote, produced, and directed Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood! (exclamation point actually part of the title)?  Of course I'm in.  I'm a bit worried that rather than take itself seriously and, as such, become unintentionally hilarious like the rest of these kinds of movies, it's embracing the stupidity (I mean, shark tornadoes?) and thus won't be quite as fun to make fun of (plus the movie poster just says "Enough Said").  But then again, maybe it will be awesome in an awesome way instead of a stupid way.  In any case, I'm watching.  Join me here on another DWG Live Movie Blog.

-   We open with a giant school of sharks swimming in a rain storm.  Something tells me we're not going to be wasting any time here.

-  Oh yeah, and there's a tornado too now.  And it just sucked all the sharks up into it.  So yeah, no wasting time.  But answer me this - isn't a tornado in water a hurricane?  Shouldn't this be called "Sharkicane"?  And isn't that a cooler name anyway?  You know it is.

-  Oh no, we see dudes finning sharks.  If you don't know what that is it's something really evil unscrupulous fisherman can do where you catch sharks, cut off their fins, and then throw the sharks back to die, using the fins to make shark fin soup, a delicacy in Asian countries.  It's illegal and basically just a shitty thing to do.  Hopefully these guys, and all shark finners everywhere, die soon.  Especially this stupid french guy with really bad teeth.

-  This is one crazy storm.  And I know it's crazy because the camera man keeps bobbing up and down to similate waves while they show stock footage of storms.  Now the sharks on board thanks to the Sharknado.  They're all on board.  And they're hungry and crudely computer animated.

-  Ok wait like, some of them are just jumping into the boat to eat french people.  It's almost like sharks don't need a tornado at all to kill people.

-  Cut to credits as everyone died.  Requisite beach montage full of boobs and butts.  At least this movie got one thing right.

-  Ian Ziering is here now and he's going surfing.  You know what Wonderbaby answers if you ask her what sharks eat?  Surfers.

-  We just met a waitress who I think is probably going to be the hero.  Also we are now guaranteed Tara Reid won't be the hottest chick in this movie, because whoever this girl is rates a 10.

-  Another montage, this one of some broad and Ziering surfing.  Feels like filler.  Feels like that might be a good thing.

-  Montage mercifully interrupted by a shark attack.  That's good.  And that chick got eaten like crazy by like 10 sharks.  And, if you're wondering by the way, the shark footage is a big mish mash of a whole bunch of different types (all computer animated by the way) and now they're all hanging out together and just eating everybody they see, and none of them are in a tornado at all - not even a little bit.  This is all like, really fake and stuff.

-  That hot waitress's name is Cassie Scerbo.  Here she is:

Boobs

-  Ian Ziering and some old guy at the bar who looks familiar are convinced that the reason there are so many sharks and the reason why they're so aggressive is because of Hurricane David which is pushing all the sharks all up the coast, which, again, means this is a hurricane not a tornado.  Also, great theory, 90210 boy.  Makes tons of sense.

- Yes and there's Tara Reid.  Man I was so in love with her back in the American Pie/Urban Legend/Bodyshots days.  She was my #2 girl (nobody ever has or ever will pass Tiffani Thiessen for #1).  Sure, she's now the poster girl for wrecking her body and career thanks to bad plastic surgery, drinking, and drugs, and yeah she's aged but it's not like she's all rotten and gross or anything.  It's more like she's changed from a grape to a raisin.  She's not as smooth or round or shiny or firm anymore and she's spent a little too much time out in the sun and has a few too many wrinkles, but she's still delicious and I'd like to put it in her.

-  Steve Sanders and the beautiful Tara Reid are apparently ex-married people with a kid together, which means they'll end up together battling sharks in a hurricane for love.  Also, Tara Reid still can't act, but I'd still dry hump her in the back seat of a small car.

-  They keep cutting to aerial shots of this place that's supposedly experiencing this horrid storm, but in the aerial shots the water is completely calm.  I love you SyFy OH MY GOD SHARK IN THE BAR!  SHARK IN THE BAR!  So bizarre.  This is insane.  They aren't even bothering with a semblance of a plot, it's just sharks flying around the city and landing on stuff.  I guess that sort of sounds awesome but it's really not.

-  And now the Ferris Wheel broke free and is just rolling down the pier.  We're only 26 minutes from teh start of the movie and completely pandemonium has set in.

-  According to the Newslady on the day after, "the waves also brought several sharks in to shore."  I'm pretty certain that's not a thing.  

-  Somebody found this blog today by searching for "drunk girl puke" on google.  Somebody from Japan.  I feel so dirty.

-  Man the whole city has flooded.  I bet people are looting like fucking crazy.

-  There are sharks in the street.  SyFy isn't even trying anymore.  So the water is shallow enough for people to drive through, but deep enough for a shit ton of sharks to just cruise around in including big-ass Tiger Sharks, which, fun fact, are never found off California.  They are, however, found off Mexico so I guess the waves must have pushed them North.  Makes sense.

-  Holy shit that old guy is the dad from Home Alone.  Wow.  He looks terrible, but what can you expect when you live in a world where tiger sharks are just cruising around ignoring stop signs like some kind of toothsome bicyclists.

-  Ok, last time I'm going to complain about this, but they keep showing people standing/running in ankle deep water, then the cut to computer generated dorsal fins swimming in what would have to be much deeper water, then they show people dying by shark.  As dumb as this sounds considering I'm watching a movie called Sharknado, I feel like my intelligence is being insulted.  And Mr. McAllister just died.  RIP.

-  The computer animation of Ziering driving his car through a bunch of waves or whatever is reminiscent of Excitebike.  But hey, now they're on the freeway and there are no sharks around.  Probably should stay away from the shark infested areas and stuff.  Guess the movie's over.

-  Wait, no.  There's a shark on top of a building.  And now sharks are being belched out of whatever you call those things where water drains from.  Culvert, maybe?  Whatever it is.  And now one just came shooting out of a manhole cover.  There are more sharks in this damn town than at a surfing convention off the coast of South Africa during a bleeding competition.  Waiting for Grandpa to show up to say, "One thing about Santa Monica I never could stand....all the damn sharknados."

-  Now a shark jumped from Tara Reid's swimming pool into her living room and ate Tara Reid's boyfriends head off.  It's ok though because the good guys stopped it by crushing it with a book shelf.  Not joking.  This is the worst thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of guys naked.

-  After the guy died and the shark died the entire living room is flooded with red water because of the blood (and the water, of course).  Ziering's friend guy says, "must be that time of the month."  I may not be able to go on, I think this movie is giving me glaucoma.

-  And where is this Sharknado everybody keeps talking about?  I just see a bunch of lame flooded streets and Tara Reid's face which never moves, but which wouldn't stop me from making sweet love to her awkwardly.  And now the house just exploded.  It exploded.  I don't know either.  I need to drink A LOT faster.

-  I'll give them a little credit, at least they didn't try to shoehorn in some plot with villains and were content to just make the sharks the bad guys.  Unfortunately I'm rapidly losing interest.

-  There's a bus stranded in the middle of somewhere.  The sharks are circling even though the the water is either 2 feet or 200 feet deep depending on what camera angle they're using.  Ziering's answer?  Rappel down from the bridge and into the bus, of course, because who doesn't have a bunch of rappelling equipment in their car, along with like, 4000 rounds of ammo for several different weapons?  If you don't, what are you going to do when the street becomes the ocean?  Huh, pal?  You probably sit around on your couch eating range free cheetos and you don't even have a gun and you're just waiting for the King of England to show up and start pushing you around.  Thought so, pansy.

-  I wish this movie was over.

-  You're never going to believe this, but after saving all the kids Ziering is climbing back up and the rope STARTS TO FRAY!  DUN DUN DUN!  But don't worry, he just barely makes it back up in time.  Whew.  And they really need to stop showing wide shots of the city, because every time they do they just show a calm, normal city with zero sharks in the streets or bars.  Zero water too.

-  Sharks are now falling from the sky.  I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one truly takes the cake.  Not even that hot waitress chick can save it.  And their car just exploded for some reason.  It's possible they explained it when I wasn't paying attention, but I feel safe just assuming it was for no reason at all.

-  Awesome name for a shark movie:  Sharkpocalypse.  MONEY.

-  You know, Ian Ziering really isn't a terrible actor.

-  Now they have a Hummer.  Of course.  Makes me think about Tara Reid for some reason.

-  Now our heroes are being chased by the cops through dry land for some reason.  I think they're trying to get to Tara Reid's daughter's brother who's stranded at 31 Flavors or something.  All I know is it's not raining, it's not flooded, there's no tornadoes, and even less sharknadoes.  There's not even a Jarvis Varnado.  What a gyp.

-  Oh hey, there's a tornado.

-  Remember this?

Good Lord.

-  The son apparently lives in an airplane hanger.  I don't know.

-  Ziering, "A hurricane can pick up marine life and drop it hundreds of miles away."  Oh.  So there's your justification for this entire movie, although I suspect we're talking starfish and seahorses, not 1,000 lb. tiger sharks, but whatevs.  Also, there you go with all your hurricane talk again. Effing false advertising.

-  The new plan, rather than finding shelter since they could, with nothing happening right now, work on finding shelter or even driving further away from the coast, is to "stand and fight." A sharknado.  With things from the local hardware store like chainsaws and an axe and a weed wacker.  And everyone is just accepting that "when those tornadoes show up they're going to be dropping sharks down upon us."  This is so fucking stupid.  It's worse than Arby's. 

-  Now Daddy and Daughter are arguing about how "he's never there for her."  Ain't it just like a woman to bring up irrelevant shit at the worst possible time?

-  The plan is to take the helicopter (don't ask) and drop bombs into the tornadoes to kill the sharks.  Did nobody really see how stupid this was before we got to the "greenlight it" phase?  This is impossible to enjoy, on any level.  This might even be the worst shark movie ever.  And I'm including Jaws 4.  Yeah, I said it.

-  It appears SyFy made a movie called "Chupacabra vs. The Alamo."  I am damn pissed off I missed that one.

-  Nothing like taking a chopper into a tornado.  Full of sharks.  This movie is worse than Wisconsin.  And nobody has died in like 45 minutes.  In the movie, I mean.  I'm guessing several people in Wisconsin have died in the last 45 minutes from firework related accidents and farm animals alone.

-  So the bomb made the tornado disappear.  Why the F don't we just do that whenever there's a tornado here in Minnesota?  Seems like an easy solution.

-  At least people are dying now, as sharks randomly fall in areas which clearly are not being affected by the weather in any way.  Please just end.

-  If you dump gasoline in a pool and throw a match in what would happen?  Would it start on fire?  According to this movie it just straight up explodes.  Like that car that exploded earlier.  And that house.  Suspecting Michael Bay might be secretly involved here.  Or, more likely, his "special" cousin Tony.

-  Oh snap that hot chick fell out of the helicopter and right into the mouth of a shark.  That sucks.  Also we haven't seen Tara Reid in quite some time.  This is probably the part where they were filming but she was passed out because she took all the drugs so they just went ahead without her after drawing a shlong on her face and taking pictures.

-  Ziering (to his son):  "Take care of your mother and sister."
Son:  "Where are you going?"
Ziering (serious face):  "To finish this."

Fucking finish what?  It's a god damn tornado and you know what, when weather conditions change the stupid thing will go away.  Just go in your basement with a flashlight and read a book.  What the fuck?  And how in the holy hell do bombs make a tornado go away?  And where did these thousand of sharks come from that a fucking tornado picked them all up?  They didn't even try to make sense.

-  A shark swallowed Ziering.  Then he chainsawed his way out, no worse for wear.  And he rescued the hot girl at the same time when he pulled her out of the sharks stomach on his way out.  Fuck off.

Gary Sinise is a terrible father (Live Movie Blog)

'Sup nerds?  It's been a while since I've done on of these, and the people seem to be clamoring for one, so it's time to fire up the Movie Live Blog-inator and watch some crap.  I think most of the recent ones I've done have either been about a giant something, a mix of two things, or a vs. type movie, so this time I'm going to go back to my cruel mistress - the shark.  That's right, we're going to watch Swamp Shark, which I assume is about a shark in the swamp and not about some kind of mutant monster something.  Which is good. Plus, Kristy Swanson.  Not when she was fat.  Or at least I assume not because who would put her in a movie?  Even a SyFy movie?  Nobody, that's who, so I'm betting she's hot again.  Let's find out!  The tension is so thick you could cut it with a Justin Morneau flail at a ball down and away in the dirt for strike three swing.

-  Whoa, D.B. Sweeney too?  This is like a murderous row of awesome people.  Naturally, I will be referring to him as Shoeless Joe throughout this movie.  And of course Swanson will be Buffy.

-  So we have water, alligators, black people, and harmonica music.  I'm going to guess the Bayou because of course.  All we need is a crawfish boil.  Or broil.  I'm not sure, what am I, cajun?

-  Speaking of cajun, you know what I hate?   When you look up a recipe to make cajun something or other and one of the main ingredients is "cajun spice".  WTF is that shit?  Anybody can dump "cajun seasoning" on something and call it cajun, I want to make it with real spices like paprika and cumin and coriander and stuff like it.  Bunch of lazy bastards.

-  The sign on the sheriff who just broke up the "Back to the Bayou" party's car says he is from Cypress Lake Parish and I'm pretty sure Louisiana is the only state that uses that weird parish thing so I'm sticking with Louisiana.  Also this sheriff seems shady and like he's up to no good, and not just because he's a minority.

-   This is a weird scene to describe, but some dude just showed up with a big tanker truck and told the sheriff "damn thing killed half my crew before I got it in the tank" and then "you pay me to find exotic animals so pay me" and then he did and then the thing in the tanker somehow made it fall off the truck where it rolled into the lake/sea/ocean/river and sank about five feet off shore into what must have been the world's steepest drop-off.  Then we saw a shark's dorsal fin swimming away.  Not an ideal start.

-  In a new wrinkle, Kristy Swanson, clearly the heroine, is the owner of a restaurant rather than a sheriff or game warden or anything along those lines.  This might be the first time that's happened in one of these.

-  The restaurant is gator themed.  I know this because they've said the word "gator" at least 30 times in the last 3 minutes.  And also they fed the gators some chicken.

-  They just arrested the gatorstraunt's bouncer for punching a belligerent drunk who swung first.  That can't be right.  Ah I see.  Sheriff guy is trying to get in Buffy's pants so he's putting the squeeze on her because the bouncer is her brother.  She agrees to a date (even though she has a boyfriend duh duh duh) and he lets the brother go.  I like the way this guy operates.  Pity usually works too, but black mail is pretty solid.

-  Went out for Snacks birthday dinner tonight.  Had a nice little filet mignon with roasted potatoes and a greek salad that had not nearly enough kalamata olives.  Went with the calamari and garlic bread for appetizers and I almost got my daughter to try calamari by telling her it was a mini onion ring but she didn't buy it probably because she watched the Octonauts all the time.  Pretty cool show.

-  Nighttime.  That same drunk from earlier, still drinking, is stumbling around on the docks.  Wonder what's going to happen.  Also I still don't know if this water is a lake or the ocean or something else.  THANKS FOR ALL THE INFO.

-  Oh and what appears to be a shark killed him by ramming the dock he was standing on because of course that's something sharks do.  Buffy heard the noise and went running out with a gun to protect I don't know something and for some reason she apparently sleeps in some kind of weird house dress or something a grandma from the 40s would wear.  Perfect opportunity to show off her sexiness and they blow it.  Thanks again, movie.  I mean yeah, she's a little bit older and a little bit heavier than her glory days of maxim and playboy, but she's still got it - or at least some of it.

These glory days.

-  So the shark ate Buffy's show gators.  And apparently this is a fresh water swamp because her boyfriend is making fun of her and telling her she's crazy and stupid and stuff like that.  Nice guy.  I have a crazy feeling she'll end up with Shoeless Joe.

-  The sheriff is laughing at her now too.  Nobody believes poor Buffy and her tales of the swamp shark.  Except for this one nerd who keeps saying "Bull Sharks can live in fresh water for up to 3 weeks" which is actually true and is really quite shocking because these movies never, ever get the science right.  Hopefully this actually turns out to be a bull shark (a bull shark that rams docks for no reason, but still a bull shark) rather than some kind of mutant or monster or something.

-  So, and this seems totally plausible, apparently her gators all had microchips implanted so she could know where they were at all times.  You know where you'd go to find out where the gators are?  Gator Locator Online, duh.

-  The chick playing Swanson's little sister looks exactly like what Kristy Swanson's little sister should look like.  Perfect casting.

-  Buffy, her a-hole boyfriend, and her gigantic brother are going shark hunting but then Shoeless Joe shows up with like a crossbow gun or something and says "I'm coming with you" and Buffy's like "no you aren't" so then Shoeless takes out his crossbow gun (like Chewbecca's thing but real) and turns and shoots a tree and everybody is impressed but there are like, a shit load of trees where they are and he never said which one he was shooting at so he could have just shot at random and hit a tree and they're like whoa.  Pretty smart on his part though.

-  This is absolutely awesome and hilarious and makes complete sense, all at the same time!  A triple threat.  Just like Elliott Elliason.

-  They found the transmitters but they aren't in the sharks belly anymore because apparently sharks crap which I suppose they must but man, I have to admit I've never really thought about it.  Then shoeless, Buffy, and the giant all take a shot at the shark while it's charging the boat because this shark is super rammy and stuff.  They all miss, to which Buffy says, "It didn't even flinch" which makes sense since it's a shark and thus doesn't have the brain capacity to understand the concept of guns so when you miss it's probably not really going to notice.  Then they left.  Yeah I don't know.

-  Uh oh, it's a party boat and everybody is drunk and making out.  You know what that means.

-  So this couple on the party boat "wanted more privacy" to go do it and their answer is to leave the huge party boat, which looks like it probably has tons of bedrooms, and steal somebody's row boat and do it in a super uncomfortable shitty boat.  Even though the chick is pretty hot I hope they get eaten out of stupidity.  Plus the black dude's name is Marcus.  Talk about stereotyping.

-  The shark rammed their boat.  This shark likes ramming things like a fat kid loves cake.

-  Shoeless fixed their boat which apparently got injured, while Buffy's boyfriend is some kind of pretty boy nancy pants with nice nails and good hair and side burns who probably has never fixed anything ever.  You see where this is going.  While Buffy just laid one on Shoeless that was like whoa so I guess we're all done with that subplot.  Except obviously the bitchy boyfriend is going to end up like, I don't know, telling the shark where Shoeless lives or something.

-  Sweet, there are sunflower seeds here and they're in the drawer right next to me, I don't have to get up or nothin'.  Feels like I won the lottery.  Speaking of the lottery, remember last season when I won 50 Gopher 5 tickets at the Northwestern game?  Well, you couldn't get more than 1 per visit to a place per day (I got 50 coupons for free tickets, not actually tickets) so I had to just keep getting them every time I stopped somewhere and I just kept them together and never checked them.  Then I lost them all not long after I cashed in the final coupon.  Found them today and checked them all on the website.  Total winnings?  Four dollars.  Thanks a lot, Obama.

-  Buffy's little sister has kind of a sweet ass.

-  And she's Gary Sinise's daughter.  Wow.  This is awkward.

-  The shark has "an armor-like exoskeleton" which means it's not a bull shark and once again we're looking at something stupid and fake and/or extinct.  Awesome.  Christ, I almost respect the movie that went with the goblin shark even though they got basically every single scientific fact wrong.  At least it was real.

-  Shoeless went for a drive and not only did he see the sheriff taking money from some shady guy (and have a sweet ass camera to take pictures of it) but he found half that row boat with half a dead body in it too.  That alone should get him in the Hall of Fame.

-  Back from commercial and we see a sign for "Gator Fest" being erected, which clearly sets this up for the good guys trying to get the festival canceled "because there's a shark out there" while the mayor and/or sheriff "can't possibly cancel do you have any idea how much money this means to the community."  Every time.

-  And, well, that'll do it right there.  The shark just jumped out of the water and bit the head off some deputy guy who was using his binoculars to spy on this couple having sex (no nudity because it's SyFy, of course).  Not that this movie was good, but it wasn't horrible.  This, however, is a bit much.

-  Oh no, Gary Sinise's daughter came to the party boat.  She is good, and they are bad.  This is terrible.  Does Gary know about this?  Does anybody know his phone number?  Is he on twitter?  Someone has to do something.

@garysinise YOUR DAUGHTER IS ON THE PARTY BOAT AND THERE IS A SHARK IN THE SWAMP!!!!
— Down with Goldy (@DownwithGoldy) February 16, 2013

-  Buffy and Shoeless are now viewing the remains of Marcus who got killed in the sexy row boat.  But they're viewing them in a hospital or morgue or somewhere official.  So how did a restaurant owner and former baseball player get access to these remains?  I know, it's stupid to pay any attention to logic or facts.  Also stupid?  Watching theses movies, period.

-  Apparently Shoeless is a "Fish and Game Official."  Well alright.

-  Holy fuck.  Holy shit you guys.  OMG.  This deputy is Wade Boggs.  THIS DEPUTY IS WADE MOTHER EFFING BOGGS.  I'm not kidding.  This is so awesome.

You think I'm kidding?

-  Man this is awesome.  They also just had the fight about wanting to cancel Gator Fest and NO YOU CAN'T cancel Gator Fest but I don't care Wade mother effing Boggs is in this movie.

-  Sinise's daughter tried to call Buffy for help because she wants off the party boat which is now drifting aimlessly around the swamp but the drunk dudes didn't much care for that because they threw her cell phone in the swamp which seems like a bit of an overreaction.  I'm glad she's trying to get someone to help though, because god knows that fucking bum Sinise isn't coming to her rescue.  Guy still hasn't responded to my tweet.  Nice father.

-  I got distracted a little bit but the guy who threw the cell phone in the water died.  And then Gary Sinise's daughter shot off her flair gun, which is probably just a desperate attempt to get her father to notice her.  I think it's the pole, next.

-  Oh my god Wade Boggs is speaking with a semi-cajun accent.  It's actually pretty terrible, but I don't care.  This is greatest thing ever.  This might be the greatest movie ever and they've only shown the shark once.  Maybe those things are correlated.

-  This ginger, who was the other dude on the party boat, reaches down to try to untangle the weeds that have entangled the teeny tiny motor that propels this giant boat and, because sharks hate that, the shark ate him.  Now there are only two people left on that boat and they're all women so you know they aren't getting out of there without some serious help.

-  And on cue, here are our heroes to rescue the girls without incident.  Or, it would have been without incident but, and you're never going to believe this, the shark rammed the boat and then ate the asshole boyfriend.  No one is sad, but Kristy Swanson has really busted out the cleavage here.  Wade Boggs approves.

-  Oh my god, Boggs and Shoeless just got in an argument about Lord Palmerstone and Pitt the Elder!!  No I'm just kidding, but that'd be pretty sweet.  Also I think they established that this is some kind of shark that came up from "the deepest part of the ocean."  No notice of the facts that if that was true it likely couldn't survive in shallow water, couldn't survive in fresh water, and no such shark has ever existed.  Normally that would piss me off pretty good, but you got Kristy Swanson and Wade Boggs here, so I'm cool with whatever, man.

-  For some reason Kristy Swanson's boobs have like, this giant M-16 looking thing.

-  The shark ate the corrupt sheriff because of course corrupt sheriff's can't live in these movies.  And it ate him by jumping onto land and eating his face off, so now it's like, wriggling around on shore for some reason.  This is really god damn stupid.

-  Somehow it's back in the water now.  I think we might be almost done.

-  Shoeless stands in the shallows with his fancy Chewbacca gun and cuts his own hand in order to get blood in the water to attract the shark.  Could have just stood on a dock or in a boat, shark'd come to you to get it's ramming fix.

-  So shoeless shoots the shark in the face, then while the shark just floats there and does nothing, he runs like 100 yards and throws his gun in the back of one of them cajun'y fan boat hover craft things and as the fan spins it pulls winds the rope and pulls the shark into the fan where it cuts it to pieces.  Like I said, pretty god damn stupid.

-  In short, that movie was completely terrible.  From a science perspective, an entertainment perspective, and a shark perspective it was an utter and colossal failure.  But it had Kristy Swanson, who I've always loved, the Shoeless Joe Guy, and Wade Boggs, plus I laughed for like 20 minutes at myself for tweeting Gary Sinise so I give it a solid B+.

Super Shark is Super Puke

Well I have nothing better to do with my time and the Tivo is busy Tivo-ing so I can't watch the Twins, so might as well dip once again into the well and see what all I have as far as giant aquatic creature movies.  Yes that's right, I'm once again going for the Live Movie Blog.  As I look, I have Super Shark and Sharktopus on this TV, and I don't feel like going downstairs or walking all the way to the DVD cabinet so it's going to be one of these two.  Super Shark is about a giant, prehistoric shark terrorizing a seaside town and stars the blonde Duke from Dukes of Hazzard who I think was Bo.  Sharktopus is about exactly what you think it is and stars Julia Roberts brother.  Both are off SyFy so possibility of nudity is nil in both cases.  I'm going with Super Shark, it at least sounds like it has a chance to not suck, right? right?

-  On IMDB this has a rating of 2.5/10.  For reference, Piranhaconda was a 2.9.  I'm fucked.

-  Interesting wrinkle in that we're starting the movie off with military guys guarding a beach with big-ass guns.  Usually that doesn't happen until later.  And there''s the shark.  Which just beached itself and isnot leaping about the sand like a god damn Super Mario Brother and roaring the entire time.  Yes, roaring the entire time while bouncing around the beach like the sand was a trampompolline.  And science-y looking chick says, "this isn't working" and then cut to credits.  So we've got:

1.  Shark roaring
2.  Shark on land and mobile
3.  A complete disregard for science
4.  Ignoring of the Jaws formula of "tease, hint, but don't reveal your monster until later in the movie"

And we're one minute in.  Great.

-  ....one week earlier.....there are some dudes on an oil derrick who broke through the earth's crust or something and caused an earthquake where the "Super Shark" came out of the ground and somehow caused an explosion and then leaped out the water and grabbed part of the thing and pulled it under water.  Yeah.  I'm going to go refreshen this rum and coke so it's way stronger.

-  Obligatory beach shot while credits run to music.  No gratuitous shots of female body parts.  This is rough.

-  There's your gratuitous bikini shot right there, and on a sluttier looking Ana Faris kind of chick too.  I dig.

-  Her dude or whatever is scuba diving and asked her to throw a net into the water for some reason so she did and it made the super shark roar and then turn around like it was all mad.  It's true, sharks hate nets that are thrown in the water for no reason.

-  This is the girl who has been walking around in a bikini for like, 7 minutes.  Well done SyFy, well done.

This is where 2.4 of that 2.5 rating come from

-  Suddenly the two-way radio between her and her dude goes nothing but static, so she unplugs it.  Brains are not her best feature.  I can't decide what is yet, but it's not brains.

-  And now she's dead because the shark jumped out of the air and landed on the boat.  Yep, I wish I was the kind of guy who could paint a picture with words because that was just shitty stupid.  And that's twice now this shark has jumped, and like 5-8 times if you include that opening scene.  I think the producer/director/writer of this watched Air Jaws a few too many times.

-  In this movie, Quint will be played by a hawaiian shirt wearing, cowboy hat wearing, swisher sweet smoking, fruity umbrella drink with a bendy straw drinking, sunglasses around the neck on a string having caricature of Jimmy Buffet.  Christ.

-  Science chick just told Buffet that he should take her to the site of the oil platform crash or whatever and gave him a bunch of money and he said it's off limits and she said "my badge says Oceanic Investigation Bureau, it'll get us past anyone."  That can't be a real thing, right?  Then on the boat ride out she takes off the fancy jacket and nice blouse so she can just sunbathe in a bikini.  Not that I'm arguing, but that can't be consider professional conduct by the Oceanic Investigation Bureau.  If she's not careful she's going to get a censure.

-  I'm 17 minutes into this movie.  17.  Shit.

-  FYI:  Josh Willingham is officially known as "Mrs. W's boyfriend" around our house.  Just thought ya'll should know.

-  Science chick is now telling Luke Duke that the area where that oil platform sank is loaded with chemicals.   Well no shit.  then she gets all hard-assy on him and he manages to somehow turn that into a dinner date.  Oh, I'm sure she doesn't think of it as a date, but once she has a couple glasses of wine and he turns on that duke boy charm her pants will be on the floor of the General Lee before she even realizes she's been roofied.

-  The shark roared again.

-  Ooh, there was a survivor of the oil rig accident.  Which honestly doesn't make a lick of sense because the whole thing blew up and was then pulled underwater by the most roaringest shark since Jaws 4.

-  Plus this guy (we'll call him Kobe because he looks like Kobe) actually saw the shark, which is also stupid because in that scene Kobe was down in bowels of station or whatever and then somehow apparently sprinted to the top where he saw the shark and then somehow survived when the whole top level exploded and also survived when it got pulled over.  He really is like Kobe, except he'd probably recognize the talent he has in the paint and work to get them involved in the offense.

-  Suddenly now there's a navy sub for some reason.  I know it's the Navy because the operators are all wearing the kind of NAVY hats you can buy at Walmart.

-  The shark is ramming the sub with it's head at it's side, kind of in a "I'd really like to get to know you biblically" kind of way.  Sexy.

-  Never mind it bit the sub in half instead.  Man, talk about a violent relationship.  This shark's got nothing on Dez Bryant, who, by the way, is a cornerstone in my rebuilding effort in our Fantasy Football keeper league. Ass.

-  THERE WAS POTASSIUM FELDSPAR IN THE WATER!  It HYDROLIZES INTO KAOLINITE AND QUARTZ AND POTASSIUM HYDROXIDE!  IT CAN CREATE A CHEMICAL THAT CAN BREAK DOWN ROCKS!

-  This lady is a dummy.  She thinks this hyrdolizing thing caused the rocks around the base of the oil platform to crumble thus causing it to sink.  Stupid lady, we all know it was a shark.  Excuse me, a super shark.

-  Potassium Feldspar is used to make glass and ceramics.  Kaolinite is used in medicines and paper manufacturing.  Quartz is quartz.  Potassium Hydroxide is actually corrosive, but in a way where it's used in batteries and cuticle removers, but it's most common use is to make soap and biodiesel which I assume is some kind of fuel.  Hydrolysis is a real thing that means the breakdown of chemicals by the addition of water.  So in theory all of those words science lady used could happen, except for the part where it created something that basically melted rock.  Also known as, "the whole half-assed scientific theory this movie is based on."  Plus the shark roars.

-  By the way, congrats should go out to Snacks and Mrs. Snacks as they welcomed their first child, Baby Lukas, into the world late Monday evening.  Pretty cool stuff, though I would have gone with a "c".

-  Two life guard girls who have been in several scenes but have been too boring to mention are now at some karaoke bar with some dude that looks like that mean guy from the OC but isn't.  Also earlier that one lifeguard lady was like telling the other lifeguard lady how they'd have a big party for her birthday but now it's just the three of them and this is very sad.  But it turns out there's a bikini contest, so all is not lost.

-  This bikini contest is sad.  And a sad bikini contest is the saddest thing of all.

-  Oh snap!  The birthday girl life guard girl decided to join the contest and be brave and strip because of course she had her bikini on under her clothes and she was all happy until she turned and looked and saw OC guy and other lifeguard girl guy making out.  Sad.  Reminded me of when Screech saw Zack and Lisa making out before the fashion show at the Max.  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

-  I wasn't paying attention and there was an Advil commercial that I thought was part of the movie.  I'm not sure if that says more about this movie or me but I'm a stupid free blogger and this is a movie that presumably cost 10s of thousands of dollars I assume.  Right?  100s?  I don't know.  How much does something like this cost?  And what can the profit margin possibly be?  Like 8 bucks?  I hope.

-  These lifeguards broads are arguing over that OC dude and then the one who didn't get the guy said I wish I was dead and then the shark ate her by jumping on the beach which is genius.  Then it ate her traitorous friend by jumping again and eating her.  The shark bouncing through sand is actually starting to win me over.  It's the stupidest thing ever other than Sex and the City but god damn at least they're consistent.  Something to be said for that I assume but I'm drunk so shut your mother.

-  The shark just ate somebody.  I don't know.  What am I, Kreskin?

-  Man, the Oceanic Bureau of Investigation sure does have a lax dresscode, because she's just out there and loving any minute of it.  and it worked because her and Jimmy Buffet guy just found he shark, AND IT'S CIRCLING THE BOAT!  The wake trailing behind the dorsal fin also looks like a child drew it with crayon.

-  Huh.  It seems that if you turn off your radio a giant prehistoric shark that is circling your boat for no real reason will leave.  Actually, now Investigator Boobsy explains that the shark was giving off it's own radio waves that were interfering with the boat's radio.  Yep, that's their explanation.

-  Bikini photo shoot on the beach.  I fear for these ladies lives.  But of course, the killer animal in this is a shark and they aren't actually in the water, so clearly they're safe.  Of course they're not safe you fool!  Did you forget we aren't dealing with some kind of regular old Tom Gugliotta of sharks, this is like, the kind of sharks!  The Kevin Durant or Rico Tucker of sharks!  And right on cue sharky boy jumps onto the beach and eats the photographer and both girls, but not before the blond one tries to beat it up by using a beach umbrella as a javelin or a jousting stick thing.  It didn't work.

-  Science lady, who it turns out is not an actual investigator with the ocean CSI or whatever but is in reality a hippie who hates people who drill for sweet, sweet oil, is now hammered at the bar because apparently she hates sharks or something.  I don't know.  I'd post a picture of the young lass but sadly I can't find a good one.  Or I'm struggling to use google properly.

-  Here comes the army or whatever to try to kill the shark before the big 4th of July festivities.  I was going to make a joke here but I got nothin'.

-  Speaking of gotting nothing, we went to a meat raffle tonight - me, TRE, Dr. Acula, Theory, and Lunny and TRE won twice (two $20 giftcards to a meat store), Theory won once (one giftcard), I won once (Six burgundy pepper marinated strip steaks), and Dr. Acula and Lunny were shutout in your face.  I don't have any idea if those steaks are good but I won and wanted steak and it was either that or kabobs and the kabobs had vegetables on them and I didn't go to a vegetable raffle.

-  Fake Dr. boobsy is winning me over.  Mostly with the cleavage.  Also winning me over?  When I logged into an online sportsbook I hadn't used in about a year and saw over $300 in there.  Sweet.  Can't wait to blow it.

-  We're back at the part with the army on the beach from before.  I bet you guys like, $80 the shark jumps on the beach and eats that tank and all that shit.

-  Bullets seem to only make super shark mad.  Also this looks like something my son could creaate with his toy shark and army men, plus a little ketchup.  Shark is actually walking on the beach on it's fins right now.  I might be drunk enough for this to be sweet.  Also, and this is quite the run-on post already, sharks hate fire.  Apparently.

-  Shark dude just jumped way the eff up in the air and took down Maverick and Goose.  Probably a deleted scene from Top Gun.

-  Best British Open Bets (to win):  Sergio 30-1, Poulter 40-1, Furyk 40-1, Johnson 40-1, Stricker 60-1.

-  Everyone is now listening to crazy fake ocean cop lady.  She, with no examination mind you, says the shark has too tough of skin to shoot and is completely neutralized and/or driven crazy by radio waves because it omits waves, also claims it flies because it jumps, can walk on it's fins, and was trapped in rock, but was still alive, and escaped after the hydrolizing agent was used by the oil companies.   And she delivers it so earnestly it's like she forgot what movie she is in.

-  Mayor guy or whoever doesn't really care except to say "Those beaches must be open for the fourth of July."  Pretty sure Jaws guy did this better.

-  And she's sexing Jimmy Buffet guy who is once again wearing a Hawaiian shirt.  This movie makes me hurt.

-  The army dudes are going with some kind of walking tank, while Jimmy Buffet and his lady are rocking some pretty serious speakers.  I will bet you $40 right now they end up doing something like cranking up the radio and it makes the sharks head explode.  $40.

-  That stupid tank thing misses the shark by like 90 feet every time it tries to shoot.  Stupid tank.

-  This.  This is.....just indescribable.  there are no words.  It's just jumping around on the beach like Misti May (who married shitty baseball player Matt Traynor, by the way).

This is what you get when you're a failed baseball player.

-  Fake science lady blew up the shark by throwing a boombox in it's mouth.  I think there was something about explosives in there too but I wasn't really paying attention because I was busy looking for pictures and doesn't it just seem right that throwing a boombox in the sharks mouth and like, turning it on or something would fit this movie well.  I think so, and that's how I choose to believe this ended.  Makes it easier when i think about how I spent my time watching this instead of gambling.

Piranhanconda

Well I haven't done this in quite some time (nearly a year), but I think it's time for a new Live Movie Blog.  I mean, the wife is sleeping, the kids are sleeping, I'm downing some vodka/iced teas, and it just seems like the thing to do.  Plus, if I know my fellow americans, nobody's going to any work tomorrow anyway even if you're at work so you'll be looking for something good to read.  And then when you finish that something crappy like this blog will do.

Anyway, tonight we're going with a promising little flick called, "Piranhaconda" and I have to say I love the name.  I also will guarantee you there is going to be some spectacularly awful CGI and this is on SyFy so there will be zero nudity.  Can always hope for side boob, I guess.  Glass half full and all that.  Anyway, let's see what's crackin'. 

-  Holy crap, Mr. Blonde is in this movie.  Wow.  I mean, I know he's not exactly been ripping it up at the box office or winning box loads of awards.  But wow.  Kind of hurts my heart.  But I'm over it, because one of his co-"stars" is some dude named Chris DeChristopher.  That is an awful fucking name.

-  Mr. blonde, some asian scientist lady, and some dork who reminds me of a nerdier Ryder Strong are in a jungle somewhere with a waterfall.  They don't really specify where, but there is a definitely a tree frog there because they just had the camera linger on it for about five minutes like this was an episode of Planet Earth.

-  Mr. Blonde just found some eggs and he's stealing them by putting them in a Kool-Aid pitcher.  You know what always works well?  Stealing strange creatures eggs.  And suddenly what I can only presume is the Piranhaconda just ate the asian lady and the fake Shawn Hunter.  Then the Piranahaconda ate the helicopter they got there in.  So far the bad CGI just makes the stupid thing look like a giant snake with teeth.  That's less exciting than I'd pictured, and let me tell you I've spent a lot of my life trying to imagine what a hybrid piranha and anaconda would look like.

-  Hot chick in a bikini alert.  Probably means she's going to die, and I'm ok with that because her boobs are kind of misshapen.  Probably why she's stuck in this flick and not in something classy like Zombie Strippers from Mars.

-  Some dude pops out of the bushes wearing a weird mask and flailing about with a machete.  I'm guessing we're watching a movie within a movie here, people.  THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS.

-  I was right.

-  I don't really care about hockey, like at all, but this signing of these two dudes (Parise and the other guy) is pretty bad-ass.  I might even watch a game.

-  Some other chick shows up and let me tell you what her boobs are not misshapen.  They are real and they are spectacular or at least appear to be from all the bending over this broad is doing.  Also piranhaconda is there (I still have no idea where "there" is) and bites off her leg.  She seems curiously unaffected by this, and continues bouncing around until the snake thing eats her in a cloud of blood.  I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty disappointed.  That was a nice shirt.  Anyway, here is what we're dealing with:

lol wat?

So.....yeah.

-  There is an ocean and palm trees.  Some waiter guy in a hawaiian shirt just brought drinks with umbrellas to some guy and girl who are flirting.  I'm going to guess they're in Hawaii.  Also that waiter in the hawaiian shirt was actually a chick.  Yeah, like that's my fault.

-  Some random chick was just walking in the Hawaiian (?) wilderness, saw a waterfall, and decided to strip down and go swimming.  While I would normally condone this behavior, all hit did was arouse the ire of the mean snake god piranha who then ate said chick.  And apparently this thing just eats everyone whole because they're there, then the thing moves in and there's a spray of red computer generation, and then they're gone.  No collateral body parts or anything.  Fascinating creature.  Or terrible writing/editing/cinematography/special effects.  One or the other.

-  I either missed it or it happened off camera, but Mr. Blonde was kidnapped by a bunch of probably terrorists who kind of look like Mexicans, except for their leader who is a bored looking former SI model Rachel Hunter.  I assume they are terrorists because they have lots of guns and stuff.  They also suck at being criminals because the plan is apparently to kidnap Mr. Blonde, who it turns out is a professor at the University of Hawaii (go Rainbow Warriors), and hold him for ransom.  Because doing that randomly is a really good way to make like $2,000.  Anyway, Miz Hunter still looks damn good for what must be a 50-60 year old at his point.

Stacy's mom is like whoa

-  Two college chicks are walking in the woods again and saying all kinds of nerdy things about science or whatever nerds talk about.  One is a straight up nerd with ugly glasses and super conservative clothes and the body of a young boy.  The other is pretty hot with a nice rack.  I was going to say guess which one lives but neither did because instead they just exploded in a cloud of CGI blood like everybody else.

-  Seriously, this movie is just introducing and killing random people without advancing the plot at all.  And they've already gone down the path of introducing the "bad guys" (booby mcbooberson and her gang) when the only bad guy you need should be the monster animal.  I hate this movie and we're only 29 minutes in.  Including commercials.

-  The hot, bitchy chick in this is a former Miss Missouri 2004.  This was her second movie.  Her second was Sharktopus.  Love it.  She must have some kind of giant hybrid animal fetish.  Hot.  This is her:

Remember Stuff?  That was a truly awful magazine.

-  In case you're curious, yes the Piranhaconda roars.  Interesting, since neither a piranha nor an anaconda does.  Perhaps it will fly as well like the Piranhas in Piranha 2: The Spawning.  Also guess what you guys?  Oh my god.  A second snake thing just showed up.  This is like, Piranhaconda vs. Piranhaconda.  How can one movie contain so much awesomeness?

-  The movie within the movie just ran out of money and had to shut down.  Unfortunately the same fate did not befall the actual movie.  I'm already regretting doing this.  Hopefully Mrs. W wakes up and makes me stop watching soon.

-  That same mexican Rachel Hunter gang just took the hot mean girl, the sexy main lead dude guy, his semi-aisan racked out girlfriend, some weird hippie, and the movie's director hostage.  Again, with the plan to hold them hostage.  What is this, Venezuela?

-  Sexy guy and hippie escaped because the hippy had some kind of gigantic bang popper thing.  Like you know, the thing you had when you were kids that you'd throw on the ground and it would make a small bang sound and you'd laugh and do it again and it was all fun and games until one of your friends decided he'd be a bad ass and snap one with his teeth and then he ended up in the hospital.  Like that.

-  Ugly racked out chick (not kidnapped, just galavanting about the woods with her pasty boyfriend) goes with "I am sweating like a pound puppy."  That's either a brilliant line or the dumbest thing ever uttered, and I can't decide which.

-  God this is horrible.

-  If you're wondering what the explanation for what this creature is and/or how a hybrid of an anaconda and piranha came to be in Hawaii with nobody knowing, well, I'm waiting too.  They haven't even attempted to give us anything (although smart money is always on a genetic experiment gone wrong).  Really though, at this point the creature could be a bear or a pteradactyl - there's nothing piranhaconda specific about it.

-  Mexican gang dude, "This isn't just a giant snake.  It's like an unholy combination of a piranha and an anaconda."  Rachel Hunter, "You mean a piranhaconda."  This is surreal.

-  This entire kidnapping subplot is one of the worst subplots in one of these shitty movies, and that's saying something.  And what happened to that handsome leading man guy and his buddy the hippie with the fireworks?  Come on, hurry up and end already.

-  Leading man guy's semi-hot semi-asian girlfriend just went with the "fake seduce the guard guy and then when he's all excited knee him in the balls and run away" gambit.  Brilliant.  That was like pearl harbor all over again, but now she's being chased down on some other gang dude who is wearing a skeletor mask for some reason.  I'm serious.

-  Semi-hot asian girlfriend stumbled into the anacondaronda's nest of eggs while running from skeletor.  Then she fell down.  Skeletor called her a bitch and said she's going to die as he raised his machete.  Then the snake ate him, but didn't bother to chase after the girl, who ran right back to the gang dudes.  Still no word from handsome guy.

-  Mr. Blonde says the piranhaconda is the most dangerous predator known to man, although it's clearly not known to man at all, despite the fact that Mr. Blonde has been hunting it for 20 years.  He's clearly a terrible hunter.

-  Oh, there's Mr. leading man guy, who just broke some dude's neck doing that Steven Seagal type of thing.  Only we didn't actually see it, just heard it, since dude apparently doesn't quite have the acting chops to pull off "killing someone."

-  Big ole firefight between the good guys and bad guys where nobody hits anybody else and the bad guys can't even be bothered to hit the van the good guys are hiding behind.  Everyone escapes except Rachel Hunter, who is eaten by the snake.  Shame.

-  I can't believe Michael Madsen is in this.  My god the shame he must feel.

-  The last remaining Mexican gang dude just shoot the snake with a rocket launcher.  It flinched slightly.

-  Good guys van just ran out of gas.  Naturally.

-  Hold on there's like 10 mexican gang guys left.  God damn this is going to go on forever.

-  I don't think I mentioned this but that ugly big-boobed chick and her pasty boyfriend found a cool beach to chill at but then he got eaten by the snake and she didn't know it and that was like 40 minutes ago and I forgot about her but there she is.  I completely forgot she existed.  Great job by this movie of developing characters I care about, which should be easy with the giant rack.

-  She just found the nest.  But in soviet russia, nest finds you.  BOOM, eaten.  But not before she smashing a bunch of eggs, apparently just because she was being bitchy.

-  The four still alive good guys - handsome guy, handsome's guy's semi-hot girlfriend, Mr. Blonde, and the hot and bitchy chick, just made their way to Mr. Blonde's fancy science guy boat, and the other three suddenly realized Mr. Blonde had a piranhaconda egg with him the whole time and that's why they were after him, just like what happened in Jurassic Park III.  Also Mr. Blonde just called the thing, "a species unknown to mankind" like 20 minutes after he said it was "one of the most dangerous species known to man kind."  Well which is it, dickfor?  Or is this like the whole flammable/inflammable thing?  Or regardless/irregardless?

-  FYI - guns do not appear to work on the piranhaconda.

-  And hottie mchotpants is no more.

-  Mr. Blonde somehow doubled back, with the egg what that handsome guy and his gal were going to return to the snake nest, and now he's booking it out of there and I'm not sure how this happened but that asian broad is with him and seems ok with the whole "let's get out of here with this egg" plan even though her boyfriend is still back there.  Given her past history of tricking that guy by making him horny and then kneeing him in the balls, I'd say she probably Effs over Mr. Blonde somewhere right around here.

-  Yep, she just ganked the egg out of his cute little satchel.  Then a lot of stuff happened and ened up with her pushing him into the river, him getting eaten, and her taking off with the egg.  I don't know why she has the egg when she could just dump it in the river and let the stupid snake have it.

-  That guy and that girl blew the snake's head off.  So the end.  That was truly awful.  I hate myself right now.  

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