Two Fake Sharks for the Price of One (A DWG Live Movie Blog)

Sup dudes.  Been a long time since we've watched a stupid movie.  Since I refuse to watch Sharknado 2 because it's a blatant cash grab that's intentionally stupid, I'll fill that void by watching something on Netflix.  And not just any something, but something called Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark.  If you think this is the stupidest sounding movie you've ever heard of, well, it is.  Let's rock and roll anyway.

-  I would give you the synopsis of the movie here, but I don't think the title left any great mysteries.

-  We're starting in Egypt.  Maybe there's a giant shark encased in a pyramid or something.  Don't tell me one of these movies wouldn't jump all over that idea.

-  This boat is towing part of a glacier.  Is that a thing?  Then the glacier breaks and a giant shark broke free and it appears to be the size of a house.  I'm guessing this is the titular Mega Shark.  It then flipped its tail which sent the boat flying into the desert where it hit the Sphinx and knocked its head off.  I'm already regretting my decision to watch this.

-  All sea traffic and air traffic has been suspended in the whole world because of the shark.  That seems a bit drastic.

-  The UN "is working on a weapon to combat the giant shark."  I bet I know what it is, and I bet I'm going to hate my life for the next hour and a half.

-  And boom.  Mecha Shark, piloted by hot blonde scientist who used to be on Law and Order and speaks in a total monotone.  So we're six minutes in and we already have our sharks.  What's left to do?  Oh, right.  They probably battle for an hour and 24 minutes.  This was a really bad idea.

-  Mecha Shark just got attacked by two giant squids, which don't eat sharks, wouldn't attack a hunk of metal that didn't smell like food, and don't attack in pairs.  So we got that going for us.  Mecha Shark wins by the blonde lady switching to either "Eel Skin" or "Seal Skin" and something changed on the outside of the shark sub and the two squid went flying away.  I was going to rewind to figure out what she said but since neither makes even a lick of sense I figured why bother.

-  Mecha shark has torpedos.  Feels like cheating.

-  Ooh, there's a new version of the shark sub that hasn't had it's artificial intelligence program installed or had sea trials done, but the guy in charge says they have to get moving because "that thing killed my brother, and I don't like to lose" and hot blonde is like "let's go" and her husband is like "wait no" but she does it any way.  Women.

-  Lobster boat captain steals a line from Jaws, "Harbor master going to have a heart attack when sees what we brung him" which is probably meant as an homage but screw this movie.  Then the megalodon ate the boat.  Good.  Screw those guys.

-  Husband guy is going to known as Hootie.

-  Wait how was their a lobster boat on the water when all sea traffic has been banned?  Anarchy.

-  Holy shit Debbie Gibson!  Debbie Gibson!  I'm going to have to look up if she's playing the same character from that other movie or that other one, but she's definitely playing a scientist who must informed the Navy that the meg wouldn't be going anywhere without a mate so they're going to be dealing with one horny shark.  Yeah that happened.

-  It's a pretty fancy sub.  Looks like shark but it's all computer-y inside.  Too bad it's going to get raped.

-  Ooh the two sharks found each other.  First encounter.  This is like when Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man meet after level 2.

-  Robo Shark just hit real shark with a tracking tag.  Is that shark foreplay?

-  I can't figure out what happened here.  Some other sub, not the shark sub, was there and fired a torpedo at the real shark and hit it.  Then a torpedo started flying the other way and it hit that sub and it died.  I am not nearly drunk enough to not be able to figure this out if it made sense, so I'm going to assume it didn't make sense.  I also spent WAY to much time rewinding, which is just prolonging how far the end of this movie is.

-  So Debbie Gibson is playing the same character from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, who was different from her character in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.  She's got a ton of range.

-  Admiral guy, "I had friends on that sub."  This guy is really hung up on his friends dying.  What a pussy.  I still have no idea what happened to blow that sub up.  I'm going to assume the shark swallowed the torpedo and then barfed it back up at the sub.  Makes as much sense as whatever their actual explanation is.

-  OMG hot blonde lady pilot with the baritone has a bottle of vodka in her travel bag.  Like I wasn't already in love.

-  This megalodon is hyper aggressive.  It just ate an oil platform.  Because that's what sharks do, you see, eat things that in no way resemble their natural prey.  Nature's serial killers, that's what I always say.

-  One hour left.

-  Ok so remember how the sub didn't do "pressure tests" or whatever?  Well they just did this horrible scene where the pressure started affecting the systems and everyone was worried it would sink.  Luckily everything worked out ok and they docked it and started fixing the problem.  Ha ha just kidding after everything seemed regular again they started chumming to attract the meg again.

-  Now there's an oil leak.  This movie is moving at 100 miles per hour, but it's terrible.  Like putting an asian woman in a race car.

-  Some plane had a fuel emergency and needed to divert to some island that was in "restricted air space."  Naturally the meg jumped out of the water to try to eat it because that makes sense since a shark that just de-froze from a glacier would know that planes = food, but even better the shark sub followed it up into the air and bumped it off course like some kind of fancy hockey goalie guy so the plane was safe.  That was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen, and even worse I can picture two SyFy executives high fiving about it.

-  Megs mad about not getting eat a bunch of metal and fuel, so it attacks the shark sub, which fires a torpedo at it, which then gets slapped away by the Meg with its tail (this must be what happened early and totally makes sense because this is the kind of thing sharks do all the time in real life).  And it hits some aircraft carrier that was there and everyone dies.  I bet that admiral guy had friends on that boat.

-  This real shark is a lot more bitey than that fake shark.

-  Ok so the real shark was riding the fake share like rubbing up on its side and stuff (probably horny) and the monotone chick decided to remedy this by firing a torpedo into an underwater mountain which makes lots of rocks and stuff fall.  Those rocks and stuff sank the sub and knocked out the communications equipment.  And I'm guessing missed the real shark since there are 45 minutes left of this crap.

-  Wait it only knocked out the communications for 3 minutes.  This movie is horrible.

-  I bet the admiral had friends on that shark sub.

-  Totally horrible throw-away scene about launching fighter jets top gun style.  I wish could write more but honestly there's no way to do it justice.

-  Somehow that artificial intelligence program that's park of shark sub got the shark sub working again even though hot blonde who speaks in a monotone is still unconscious.  That AI thing almost has to turn evil at some point, right?  Isn't that the whole point of putting an AI program in a movie?

-  You want to know why this shark is attacking aircraft carriers like it's doing right now?  Because of the high frequency emitters.  Damn those commercial airplanes for testing their high frequency emitters.

-  So then the aircraft carrier currently under attack turns off it's high frequency emitters or whatever and then the shark jumps on top of the carrier and breaks it in half.  I don't know.  Shit's gotten really weird.

-  Blonde girl is still knocked out, according to the admiral the "only two other pilots who can pilot that sub were on that aircraft carrier and are now dead" (probably friends of his) and the AI program is agitating to go out on it's own.  That can't be good.  Everyone knows you can't trust machines.  My oven burns me every chance it gets.

-  Oh.  My.  God.  They let the AI program take the shark sub out by itself.  And get this.  IT HASN'T BEEN DEBUGGED.  David Kahn must be in charge over there.

-   The sharks are fighting and it looks as dumb as you'd think.  I still haven't figured out why this dumbass fish is attacking a robot.  I know the horny theory, but I'm pretty sure you need pheremones or something like that.  Or at least high frequency emitters.

-  Blondie is now pouring the vodka down the drain (which makes my heart hurt).  So that plot point never had anything to do with anything.  She never took a drink.  It never came up in conversation.  I feel like they're just toying with me.

-  37 minutes to go!

-  Debbie's back!

-  She knows where the Meg is heading, which seems like something they don't need to know since it seems to follow the shark sub like it's stuck in the friend zone.  He's heading towards Sydney, Australia because millions of years ago it was a Megalodon breeding ground.  I guess he really is horny.

-  Text from Snacks, "I get so bored watching most of these breaking bad episodes."  What's the procedure for disowning a brother?  Or murder?

-  Jesus another aircraft carrier.  And remember those fighter jets from before I referenced?  Either nothing happened with them or I wasn't paying enough attention and missed it.  Both equally likely.

-  AI program questioning its masters.  WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?

-  They need to get the sub there because if the meg shows up and there are no females it's going to be pissed.  I don't really think sharks have the capacity to get pissed, but even better they're evacuating Sydney.  The city.  Not the harbor, the city.  On land.  The people on land have to evacuate because a horny shark is in the water.  On land.  The people on land.  Because of a shark.

-  Shark showed up.  Did that thing again where it jumps in the air and lands on an aircraft carrier and it explodes.  Maybe it thought the ship was a female shark and it was going for some kind of fancy pile driver move.  I don't know.  I need to invent a new word for this movie.

-  Some lady can't find her daughter during the evacuation so blond monotone lady is going to help find her.  Nice work mom.

-  Shark just rammed the Sydney Opera House.  Probably on account of the high frequency flutes.  Or horny.  I had friends in that opera house.

-  Blonde lady found the kid who is now running away from her.  I would too.  She's clearly some kind of robot with all the monotone and stuff.

-  Once again, Debbie Gibson makes the point that the shark is horny and won't leave without a mate.  So basically the AI is going to decide to become a real shark and then it and the actual real shark and going to swim off into the sunset to go screw, right?  25 minutes!

-  Wait so now the metal shark (in full rogue, ignoring it's human masters, not responding to computer commands mode) jumped onto the remains of the opera house.  This movie is worse than Hitler.

-  Ok so there are two robot sharks now.  One must be the earlier model from the beginning of the movie.  I don't know.  I clearly missed something.  Maybe that would be the key to making this movie not horrible.  I'm terrible at movies.

-  Holy crap the rogue sub shark thing apparently has an "amphibious mode" and it just went all transformers on the bit (while ignoring its human masters) and it now has tank treads for feet and it's now rolling through the streets of Sydney eating stuff.  I apologize for making fun of the whole "city evacuation" thing earlier.  Clearly the admiral saw this coming.

-  For some reason blondie and Hootie have that kid from earlier, who is supposed to be six years old but is like 5 feet tall.  The mom isn't there and since she said "I'm not leaving without my daughter" I assume she's dead now.  Way to go Hootie.  First you ruin music, now this.

-  Everything's on fire.  I have no idea.

-  Debbie Gibson's plan is to get tank sub shark back in the water and then the meg will think it's a mate.  That's the whole plan.  Maybe a real shark humping a mechanical shark will make them both die.  That seems to be her plan.  Pretty hot in those playboy pics back when though.

-  They found the mom.  Another plot point that really went nowhere.  This is like shakespeare.

-  OMG you guys the shark sub has high frequency emitters on board!  Blonde lady can trigger them if she just can get on board the tank shark sub thing.  Which she did by jumping in its mouth.  Honest to god, I've watched some really bad movies, but I just don't even.

-  Man nothing went right for the Navy.  Not since Beau Morgan spurned them for Air Force has the Navy faced such a disaster.

-  Admiral guy is dropping depth charges on the real shark.  I feel like people really aren't communicating effectively here.

-  Speaking of Admiral, he just started firing a hand gun at the shark.  Fucking brilliant.  Guess what the shark did?  Yep, it jumped on the aircraft carrier (AGAIN!) which caused to explode.  The admiral had a lot of himself on that boat.

-  I will say the CGI shark actually looks better than anything else I've seen out of these shitty movies throughout the years.  I think that's where the budget for plot and writing and directing and choreography went.

-  All the Navy planes and stuff are shooting missiles at sub shark, which currently contains blonde lady.  Hootie's not happy.  Those two sentences make me hate my blog.

-  I rewound this twice to get it right, but the reason the AI malfunctioned is because of a "the system was hijacked my a drone mode overlay."  When I was younger I would have looked this up to figure out if it was a real thing, but at this point I"m going to assume it's not.  Much like all the rest of this scene where they throw out fancy words like "I need you to empty the jump stores."  Jump stores can't be a thing right?  At least not a computer thing.  I mean maybe you could go to a jump store and get fancy shoes like Reebok pumps or a trampoline or something, but it's can't be computer related.

-  I'm sure there was a reason for this but the real shark bit the fake shark and they both exploded and I admit to not knowing why but everything bad is dead.  This movie gave me glaucoma.

Thursday Thoughts

-  Can anyone explain this Derrick Rose thing?  So with the Bulls up 3-2 they have a chance to close out New Jersey in Chicago, knowing a loss sends this back to a game 7 in Jersey so this is basically a do or die game.  Both Kirk Hinrich, who started at PG in place of Rose all year, and Luol Deng, probably the team's best perimeter defender, are out and in case you forget New Jersey has Derrick Williams.  In Game 5 in a similar situation (no Hinrich) Williams abused Nate Robinson for 23 and 10 assists, and as I write this mid-way through the second quarter he already has seven assists.  All this could potentially be handled by Rose, you know the former MVP and all, coming back and playing which, by the way, his doctor's have cleared him to do.  It's just weird. 

- I'm all over Revolutionary for the Derby on Saturday (10/1 right now I believe).  He's got good results, he's ridden by Calvin Borel (the pimp daddy of all jockeys) and he drew a position near the rail but not on it (#3) which is where Borel loves to be.  There's also a good possibility of rain and Revolutionary rates as the 2nd best wet track horse in the field (behind Oxbow) and Borel likes sloppy tracks as well.  Everything sets up well for Revolutionary, which actually kind of scares me a bit, but I put a good amount on him to win and boxed him up with Normandy Invasion and Orb in a trifecta.  I also let the wife pick a horse (Goldensoul because she's a hippy at heart) and let the daughter pick one as well (Charming Kitten because she's five) while throwing a bit on Will Take Charge as my longshot and still hold a WIN ticket on itsmyluckyday that I put down on a couple of months ago.  I hit the winner 3 years ago (Super Saver) and wife hit it last year (I'll Have Another) so I think we're due for another win.

-  I made the decision not to get HBO this year in order to save money and I knew Game of Thrones was going to be the biggest test.  They tried to suck me in with the free preview that let me watch episode 1 but I held strong.  Then I spent the night at Snacks' place and he's got HBO and has all the episodes and we watched two over there and I thought I was screwed, but luckily I remember that all HBO subscribers get access to HBOGO so I can used Snacks' ID and stuff and watched the last couple to get all caught up and my god this show is just so amazingly good.

I am a huge fan of the books and I never, ever imagined they could have done it this well.  All the cool shit from the books was done right and all the stuff they changed, added, or eliminated has been done exceptionally well to the point where I honestly don't have any complaints.  There's tons of hot chicks and boobs and butts and stuff which is of course welcome, but honestly the story and the drama completely sucks me in even though I know what's going to happen already.  Daenarys with the unsullied, Jamie's hand, the fight at Craster's, even something with no action like Sansa discussing Joffrey with Margaery (hot as fire) and Lady Tyrell are all good enough to be the biggest moment of the season in pretty much any other show, and we ain't seen nothing yet.  If I had to pick the best 3 non-comedic tv shows in history I'd go with Lost (the first 3 seasons or so), Walking Dead, and Game of Thrones, and GoT is so far beyond those other two it'd be like if Jim Thome raced a horse.  A good horse.  Also no, I have never seen The Wire or Breaking Bad (although I plan to eventually) so shut it.

- So Kahn out, Flip in, eh?  Tough to fault it, and I'm sure Glen Taylor pours himself a drink every time he watches Steph Curry score 16 points in a quarter and then thinks about Jonny Flynn is probably on the And 1 Tour at this point.  Really, outside of Darko over Melo and Wade and Oden over Durant that might end up the worst draft pick of this generation.  Unfortunately, because otherwise Dawger will rake me over the coals in the comments, I have to admit that I thought Steph Curry was on the fast train to bustville.  I was convinced his big numbers at Davidson were because he played sub-par competition and his team was so dependent on him that he was going to score big no matter what, but I though his absolute upside was a spot up shooter like Steve Novak or Craig Hodges.  My oh my was I ever wrong.  The guy is a completely dynamic scorer and one of the best shooters I've ever seen.  If he ever figures out how to drive to the rim he's going to be unstoppable, and he kind of is already.  It takes a strong man with a great character to admit when he's wrong, and that man is me.

-  So Byron Buxton hit another home run tonight.  That's his fifth for Cedar Rapids and coming into the night he was hitting .383/.510/.667 with 5 doubles, 3 triples, 4 HRs, and 10 steals in 14 attempts.  Simply put - he's killing low A ball in just his second year and he's just 19 years old.  I know you don't want to rush a teenager, but it's just silly.  He's walking more than he's striking out, hitting for a huge average and showing massive power while stealing bases like crazy.  He leads the Midwest league in slugging, OPS, runs, and walks, is #2 in average and OBP, and is top 5 in homers, total bases, steals, RBI, and triples. Between him and Miguel Sano (.368/.435/.747 with 9 homers) the Twins might end up with two top 10 prospects when the mid-year Baseball America prospect ratings come out.  Pretty cool shit.

- I still can't believe Joe Johnson was ever a max deal player.

Who are these guys?

If you're like me, you don't much care about the NBA until the playoffs even though you love the game of basketball.  You also find yourself irrationally getting a little excited before the start of every NBA season, only to have that excitement and "caring" wear off as soon as you watch your first game.  Since I haven't watched a preseason game or anything, I still have that tiny bit of excitement on me, much like the blood and mucus all over a new born baby, but I have one question, "Who the hell is on the Wolves?"

Seriously, with David "the" Kahn taking over and making trade after trade after signing, and with Ricky Rubio chilling over in Spain for a few more years, I really don't know who ended up on the team.  So let's see.

POINT GUARDS

-  Jonny Flynn.  You probably know who this is.  The rookie from Syracuse who has scared Rubio so much that he won't even cross the Atlantic, and will likely start from Day 1, I think.  He's had a huge preseason, leading the team in assists and coming up second in scoring at 13.8 points per game.  Since I assume NBA Preseason success correlates perfectly with NBA Regular Season success, much like MLB or the NFL, I'm going to call him as rookie of the year, and probably a first ballot hall-of-famer.

-  Ramon Sessions.  I remember watching him at Nevada, and then I remember being surprised he was in the NBA, and then I remember being really surprised that the Wolves signed him for $4 million a year for four years, and then I remember being shockingly stunningly surprised by this article and the following comments that the $16 million contract was a steal for the Wolves.  Looking up the stats on my internet device, it appears he averaged 12 points and 6 assists per game last year, which sounds pretty good to me.  So, I guess like, good job Kahny?

-  Antonio Daniels.  Huh.  My brain tells me that this guy was a pretty decent player for the Spurs a few years back, and it seems odd that they would bring him in given the two point guards I already wrote about.  Let me confirm, hold on.  Yep, turns out he was a pretty decent player for ten years on a couple of pretty good teams - too bad he's coming into year 13 right now.  He put up career worst stats last season, but with two young and promising point guards on the team, a veteran who has been on more than a couple of playoffs team is probably a good idea for a mentor.  I approve of this.

-  Jason Hart.  This guy is still kicking around?  I remember him as somewhat of a disappointment coming out of Syracuse, but he's carved out a nice nichey career for himself as a third point guard on bad teams.  Now that I write it down, it feels like a match made in heaven.

-  Mustafa Shakur.  I'm laughing right now, I'm seriously laughing.  There's not a chance in hell this guy makes the team, but god bless you for trying.  He wasn't even that good at Arizona, and he spent the last few years playing in a Polish league with guys like the pride of UW-Green Bay Jeff Nordgaard and MSU benchwarmer Drew Naymick.  I wish I had known he was on the team, I totally would have gone to a preseason game.

SHOOTING GUARDS

- Sasha Pavlovic.  Clearly this is a pretty big weakness for the team, given that I'm listing this grease ball as the starter.  Actually guess what?  I have no idea who this is.  I thought it was the guy from the Lakers, but it turns out this guy has played for the Cavaliers for the last five years.  Seriously, I have no idea who this is, but he has a career scoring average of less than six per game.  Awesome.

-  Wayne Ellington.  He hasn't been great in the preseason, but he has shot 46% from three, which is awesome and exactly what they drafted him to do - hit the three pointer.  Of course, it's hard to fathom how a team would use a three point bomber when they're terrible, but with Al Jefferson requiring a double-team and a good drive-and-kick style guard like Flynn, Ellington will have opportunities to fill it up.  I anticipate some big games out of Ellington, surrounded by a lot of nothing games, but that's fine, as long as somebody can shoot the ball.

-  Damien Wilkins.  Meh.  I mean, he's totally meh.  He's not awful, but he's not going to make your pants tight or anything.

-  Devin Green.  I have no idea who this is.  Instead, you should know that Rusty Gatenby is a really funny name. 

SMALL FORWARDS

-  Corey Brewer.  Coming off a major injury, it's pretty much go time for the guy I said would be "The best player in this draft not named Durant."  So yeah, let's do it Corey.  He filled it up in the preseaons, leading the Wolves with 14.3 points per game, although he's shot just 37%, which is completely terrifying.  Hopefully he can still play defense, or he's gunning for some kind of Least Valuable Player award.  Also, he's almost certainly going to be starting at shooting guard, thanks to shitbox collection of shooting guards on this team and because they're far more talented at SF.

-  Ryan Gomes.  The likely starter, this guy has turned into a pretty good player since coming out of Providence and being drafted late in the second round.  Gomes has developed a really good mid-range jumper, and if he wasn't just a little bit too slow to be a true 3 and a little bit undersized to be a true 4, he might be an all-star.  I'm totally serious, and perhaps slightly delusional.

POWER FORWARDS 

-  Kevin Love.  He has been screwed, as in he now has several screws in his left hand and is going to miss six-to-eight weeks of action, which sucks.  Love won't ever be like, a perennial all-star type, but he's a damn fine player and had a very good rookie season in which he almost averaged a double-double.  He was getting better and better too, and in the last 8 games of last season he recorded six double-doubles.  I really like this kid, and this injury sucks.

-  Oleksiy Pecherov.  I don't really know who this is, but I know two things:  1)  he's seven feet tall, but just 234 lbs., is listed as a PF instead of a center, and is a commie Euro so he is clearly softer than The Todd's belly after a visit to Pancheros, and 2)  Pecker off. ahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahah.

-  Brian Cardinal.  God it makes me very upset that this guy is on a Minnesota team, but not as upset as realizing he's made several tens of millions of dollars in his career by having zero talent but being slightly tall and possessing an embarrassing willingness to fall on the ground.  Seriously, you remember this doofus nerd from Purdue, right?  Did you know he won Purdue's "Mr Hustle" and "Courage" award all four years he was there?  Barf.

CENTERS

-  Al Jefferson.  Definitely the star of the team, definitely more a PF than a center but forced to play center, and definitely is dealing with both the flu and an achilles tendon problem, which always sounds like the most painful thing in the world to me.  You know, if you slice someones achilles and they try to golf, when his weight displacement goes back he won't be able to come through because his weight will all be on his right foot and he'll push everything to the right.  Probably end up quitting the game. 

-  Ryan Hollins.  UCLA guy, typical college center type, good scorer around the basket and automatically a good rebounder by virtue of being seven feet tall, but really nothing special.  Sadly, he's the best of a mishmash of crappy back up centers.

-  Mark Blount.  This guy was on the team before, and he sucked and was overpaid then.  Now he's older and is making $8 million dollars a year to score four points a game.  The only way having him on the team even makes a lick of sense at this point is if they got him as part of a trade and he's coming off the books after this year so they can make a run at LeBron.  *giggle*

-  Jared Reiner.  The internet tells me that this goofball played for Iowa, and I know it wouldn't lie to me, but I sure as hell don't remember him.  That could be because Iowa has consistantly had a string of high energy, no talent, tall, skinny, worthless centers who all somehow manage to grab a cup of coffee in the NBA.  Remember Brad Lohaus?  Don't tell me cloning a human isn't possible, because Iowa has been doing it since he graduated.


So that's the roster as it stands right now.  I know there were a lot of moves and some guys who were here are gone, but I have no idea where.  I know they had Quentin Richardson (pure shooter), Etan Thomas (defensive force at the Cuse), and the communist from Wake Forest all at some point, but it seems they're gone now.  Looking like a long year folks, but, with a little luck and a few more injuries, that #1 pick will be in reach.

No this Blog is not Dead.

No, we aren't dead. Some brain dead jackass asked me this weekend if this blog was going to die, and the answer is no. As I've mentioned in every post I've made this month, although admittedly there haven't been many, I'm swamped at work and with weekend things going on all month. I promise once we hit August things will pick back up. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if one of the other contributors on this site would like to toss up a post or two. I know Dawger is dying to talk Twins. Anyway, I do have a little bit of time tonight, so I'll make a couple quick comments.

- I should probably go ahead and start with the British Open, since the winner is my arch enemy, the uncalcuably gay Stew Cink. Make no mistake, he got lucky and it probably shouldn't count. Think about it. How hard is it to beat an old man? An old man who has already played 72 holes in four days in the freezing cold and wind and rain? Most guys Watson's age would have been out by hole 11. Hell, most guys Watson's age would have woken up the morning after the first round and been unable to get out of bed and have to use that clicker thing or whatever it is that the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady advertised. Seriously, what was it? A clicker of some kind? A phone? Wow, I can picture the lady but I don't remember the product. Is that good advertising or bad?

Anyway, I had originally planned to call Watson a choker, but now that I think more about it I'm guessing he was just a bit tuckered. Although there isn't much more disappointing than thinking you are watching the story of the year (at a minimum), but instead you get some bald-headed, gigantic sloth freak sneaking in the back door and stealing that 59-year-old leprechaun's gold. Crying shame.

And Ian Poulter should be ashamed of himself for that performance. From a solo 2nd last year to dead effing last this year. And he was even playing well going into this tournament. I have no clue what happened, but I'll never trust that dandy again.

- Speaking of advertising, Kmart's advert for lay-a-way is for a blow up shark. I mean, I like blow up sharks as much as the next guy, but are we really doing lay-a-way for them? I thought that was for poor people who can't afford a love seat, not average suburban white couple who need lawn water toys. I might have to look into this.

- In what has become a Twins' tradition, your favorite team needed help at a position and went out and signed the oldest, cheapest option available; this time giving a minor league contract to 39-year old second basemen Mark Grudzielanek.

I actually think is a pretty good idea. Minor league contract means no risk - probably the biggest reason they made the signing, but even last year Grudzy put up some decent numbers (.299/.345/.399) - not much for slugging the ball, but it's basically what Luis Castillo gave them that one year he was here all season (.296/.358/.370). And it wasn't a fluky season either - Grudzielanek has hit no worse than .294 in his last six seasons, and hasn't hit lower than .271 since his rookie year way back in 1995. No major risk here, especially when the Tolbert/Casilla/Punto trio is doing nothing but making outs at a prodigious rate. If he can still hit anywhere near his career average and isn't a total stiff in the field (major questions due to a late ankle injury last year that has had him sitting out almost a full calendar year), he's a major upgrade. Of course, since this is a Twins' signing, I'm going to fully assume that they essentially signed Steve Lombardozzi (the current, 48-year-old version).

- Since we're chatting about Twins' busts, how about a little Jesse Crain update (who I have pretty much completely forgotten about)? He's thrown twelve games down in Rochester so far, compiling 17 2/3 innings and a 2.55 ERA and 1.19 WHIP. Toss in a 22-8 K/BB ratio, and I'd say thus far the experiment with Mr. Seashell Necklace has been a success. Expect to see him up again soon, especially with the Twins' bullpen in full on implosion mode. I'm sure with the bullpen blowing leads and giving up monster home runs, Crainsy is feeling pretty left out.

- I'm trying to muster up the energy to give a crap about the most recent T-Wolves trade, but it's hard. I dig on how Kahn has come to town with a "Let's start this garbage over" mentality, because that was definitely what was needed. Madsen is little more than a crowd favorite, which means a white jackass who hustles and has no talent. He will be missed by drunken idiots with more money than sense only. Telfair and Craig "the Manatee" Smith, were able to put up ok numbers on a crappy team, but I'm pretty sure that was their upside. Telfair will be little more than a career backup, and Smith will eat himself out of the league as soon as he signs his first non-rookie contract (book it).

So by not losing anything, the Wolves automatically win this trade. Getting Q Richardson back isn't going to really add much to the team in terms of win, but it at least gives them a big-time shooter to replace Mike Miller. Plus, with $9+ million in salary coming off the books next off-season he adds a little bit of flexibility to any off-sesaon plans that little munchkin has cooking in his little brain.

Not a monster improvement, but a very good little trade. Although I will miss watching the Manatee cross mid-court on less than half his team's possessions.

- The Onion is almost always a guaranteed laugh, but this might be my favorite of all-time, "Derek Jeter makes easy play look easy."

- Another funny link: Ed O'Bannon is suing the NCAA for use of his image. I'm not even 100% sure what this means, but it makes total sense that O'Bannon would need money. The best thing he could do is shoot some sort of anti-early entry warning video. I know he didn't leave school early, but he's a great warning for guys who are great in college that they might not quite pan out as pros. Him, Shawn Respert, Adam Morrison, Randolph Childress, Pervis Ellison, Marcus Fizer, and George Lucas can get together and teach a class on dissapointing people.

- Lastly, you should know that Wonderbaby^TM is already the most advanced in her gymnastics class and might have to be moved up to the more advanced class. That's right, guess who is the only one in her class who can hang from a bar? Yep. Her teacher/coach/volunteer/weirdo loner cat-lady person already said, "She's really advanced. A real natural athlete." Hopefully this will translate to non-gay sports like basketball and softball baseball, but if she ends up in the Olympics, so be it. She'll be the Michael Phelps of gymnastics, but without the weed and overall douchiness.

I'll leave you with a picture of her showing off her skills:

First Annual (but not really) NBA Draft Diary

Draft time. I usually just comment on the picks that night or the next day, but this should be fun right here. A lot of picks, and already a lot of trades in the NBA (not just the Wolves). The Shaq trade is interesting. I won't pretend to know enough to really break it down, but I know Shaq is still good enough to average 18 and 8 and the Cavs got him for essentially zero. And his contract expires after next season, so they really aren't giving up that flexibility. Basically I have no idea what the Suns are freaking doing. And I just learned that Vince Carter is headed to the Magic for Skip 2 My Lou and change. I haven't really looked at it yet, but my knowledge tells me anybody getting Vince Carter is on the wrong end of the deal.

Anyway, it should be cool, and I'll be here to document all the mistakes, like whoever drafts Stephen Curry, Brandon Jennings, or Roy Hibbert II (Thabeet), as well as whoever grabs the bargains, like Ty Lawson, Austin Daye, Earl Clark, or Sam Young. So here we go.

- Clippers take Blake Griffin, no surprise. You know, people who believe in curses, as just profiled on ESPN and in Billy Simmons article on ESPN, are idiots, but man have the Clips have a shit-ton of bad luck. Danny Manning and Shaun Livingston's injuries are two of the worst derailers I can remember, not counting Len Bias. Griffin and Eric Gordon are a nice young inside/outside punch. Maybe they finally turn it around?

And speaking of idiots, can Dazzle and Gordy please please please stop talking about the Sports Illustrated curse? Please. I'm begging. I'm seriously on my knees right now, begging. Please? That's the kind of stupid thing that only dudes like Dawger believe in, but he also believes in things like tarot cards, alien abductions, leprechauns, and the holocaust, so what does that tell you? {NOTE: El Chupacabras and vampires are real.)

- Fun Fact - Blake Griffin wants to host Saturday Night Live, and Tivo's it every week. My money is on his favorite sketch being "The Target Lady."

- The Memphis nightmares take Thabeet, and thank god for that. Look, he might end up being a Dikembe Mutombo, but I don't think he'll even end up that good. His offensive game is barely functional right now, and he is awfully soft for a 7-2 shot blocker. He makes me very, very nervous, but everything I read said he's a good fit for the Grizzlies, so good for them. Fun Fact - Thabeet's MUST IMPROVE: Offensive game. Well no shit.

- And Kevin Durant gets play with James Harden, in what I consider a surprise. I didn't expect harden and is Urkel-suit to go quite this early, I figured the Wolves could grab him at 5 or 6. The real good news here is that the Wolves are going to get either Evans or Rubio. Of course, they are now set up pretty well to take your boyfriend Stephen Curry, too.

- The Kings steal Tyreke at #4. I love this pick. I think, other than Griffin, Evans has the biggest chance to be a star out of this class. He's also kind of an idiot, but he's young and his ability to get to the rim, play defense, and overall out-athletic everybody makes him an almost automatic success. Crap. At least we'll get Rubio.

- BAM! Ricky Rubio on his way to the Wolfies. Obviously, I wish I had seen this kid play so I could evaluate him, but everything I've heard I like. Young kid, held his own on the international stage, has been a pro in Europe since age 14, is just supposed to be an overall stud. As a bonus, he speaks broken Engrish so he's going to a quote laugh machine. The downside is that he's only 18 and the groupies are going to eat him alive, and he looks like a Jonas brother. Jay Bilas just said, "Rubio has a Gretzky-like feel for the court." What?

- I don't even want this pick right now. I hate Hill and Curry, and there's no way they'll take Flynn here. Either figure out a way to trade it, or just take Terrence Williams. Crap, they're going to take Curry, aren't they? They are, right? Just tell me, I can take it.

- Oh thank god. Flynn is the pick, and I'm not sure but I think might have just gotten a little bit of a boner. Two PGs is a bit of a question mark, but Rubio is going to take some time (like a season or two) to be ready, so you put the ball in Flynn's hands now and then see how the two of them develop together. Flynn is supposedly a good leader, although all I saw is him leading Donte Greene to shoot nothing but threes and Eric Devendorf to hit some bitch, but I don't give two craps about that. He can ball, and he can get to the rim. Loving this pick. LOVING.

- I'm pumped.

- Atlanta just traded for Jamal Crawford, giving up Acie Law and Speedy Claxton. I'm bored by this. Twenty bucks says the Warriors take Hill here.

- Nope, they go with Curry. Wow. And, unfortunately for me, this is probably the one place Curry can thrive (or the Knicks, actually, whose fans are booing like crazy right now). A team without much of a half-court game that relies on the run and gun and doesn't play much defense is actually a good recipe for success for Curry. They'll be in their best shape if they have a good PG (I seriously have no idea. Tim Hardaway?) so he can just find his spots on breaks. Crap. He's going to have a good year but he still straight up sucks.

- Knicks take Jordan Hill. That guys a nightmare. Not for opponents, for the team that picked him. Mark it down.

Speaking of marking things down, I heard a discussion between Danny Gladden and Gordon today on the radio about who the Twins best pitcher had been this year. Gladden said, "Well, Blackburn has the innings and the ERA, but Slowey has the wins so I'll go with him." I shit you not.

- Derozan goes 9th to Toronto. The only thing I know about the Raptors is that they have Chris Bosh. The only thing I know about Derozan is that he is the reason Lil Romeo ended up with a scholly to USC. (FYI Lil Romeo - 2 minutes per game, 0.5 points - career high = 2 vs. UT-Martin).

- Milwaukee takes noted gigantic crybaby whiner idiot failure Brandon Jennings. HAHAHAHAHA. Way to go Wisconsin. You guys always suck at everything that isn't college football or basketball, up to and including just being a human being. And now this isn't going to help. Although Jennings will fit in well with all the other failures of humanity in that god-forsaken state. Other than Mike Redd, have the Bucks every had a a good pick? Don't forget, they traded Dirk Nowitzki for Tractor Traylor. I love Wisconsin.

- Just saw more details in the Vince/Skip 2 My Lou trade. Orlando also gave up Courtney Lee (bummer) and Tony Battie (more irrelevant than Dawger's opinion), but New Jersey also gave up Ryan Anderson, formerly of Cal. That is going to be the sneaky difference here. Anderson was an offensive stud in college, but was (and still is) weak on defense, but he will continue to develop. He put up 7 and 5 in twenty minutes per game this year. Looks like a throw-in, but makes this trade a very shrewd one by Orlando.

- Crap, NJ takes Terrence Williams who I was still hoping against hope would keep sliding. Hopefully Earl Clark will be there instead. There are a lot of uninspiring big men/wing men that the Wolves could end up with, but Clark would be a steal. Fun fact: Williams carried his books in a barbie backpack in high school to be "different." Suddenly, and politically correctly, I'm very happy he didn't end up a Wolf. We don't need no queers in the locker room, I'm pretty sure most of that team is a couple of glasses of wine and a back massage away from some "experimentation."

- Bobcats (that still cracks me up) take Gerald Henderson in a pretty uninspiring pick. Isn't that team made up of nothing but Tar Heels at this point? Isn't this like introducing a stupid dog into a house of awesome cats? Seems like team chemistry would be destroyed here. Ron Gardenhire isn't going to be happy about this.

- Pacers go for Hansbrough at 13. It's kind of a shame, he would have been absolutely perfect for Salt Lake City, but the second best fit is Indiana. Don't they just seem like they always have a bunch of white guys flitting about, going back to Smits and Schrempf? Also I love the NY crowd, firing up an overrated chant. Sweet. Amount of seconds his mouth was closed during his interview = 0.

- Fun fact: Hansbrough helped a man having a seizure on a plane on the way back from the Maui invitational. See haters, hustle and gamey-ness always come in handy. I bet Nick Punto would have found a way to rebuild that guy as the next 6-million dollar man.

- Phoenix, seemingly in give up mode after throwing Shaq to Cleveland for basically nothing, crush my hopes and dreams by taking Earl Clark. Damn you Dan Majerle. Damn you to hell.

- DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now they're going to take someone stupid like BJ Mullens. Ugh. Don't ruin it now, you're doing so well! Please, please, please take Austin Daye instead. Please.

- Jennings being interviewed about skipping college to play in Europe, "It's a great experience, I think more kids will do it and more kids should, it was great." Really? What happened to this? You're a god damned liar, Jennings.

- Ugh, kill me in the face. Daye gets taken by Detroit at 15. Yes, he's a little soft and a little weak right now, but his all around game is absolutely off the charts. This sucks. I love this guy. BJ Mullens here we come.

- Dickie V loves the Hansbrough and the Curry picks. I'm shocked. Claims Hansbrough should have been a lottery pick and Curry will be rookie of the year. Isn't it about time to "retire" him. Like, the way they "retire" snitches in the mob?

- The Bulls take James Johnson from Wake, which surprises me since they are probably losing Ben Gordon. Johnson never impressed me either. I'm calling this the fourth worst pick behind Curry, Thabeet, and Hill.

- You know who would be great at 18 now? DeJuan Blair. He's like Craig Smith, but with skill, drive, hustle, and talent. This would be excellent.

- 76ers take Jrue Holiday. I watched a couple UCLA games last year, and he really never stood out to me - at all. I haven't seen nearly enough of him to really bash this pick or anything, but I know he's no Cameron Dollar.

- Wolves up. With #18 they go with Ty Lawson. I love this pick, but they already took two point guards. Best player available strategy? I am a little confused, but I don't really love anybody else here, and I think Lawson is absolutely the best pick in this spot, if you aren't paying attention to positions of need. Trade in the works? I don't know, I'm too drunk to really evaluate this pick right now.

- UPDATE: Lawson is heading to Denver for a future first round pick that is originally coming from Charlotte. Since Charlotte is so shitty, I definitely approve of this. You realize this could end up being Ralph "Black Jesus" Sampson III next year.

- I had some Chuckles this weekend. You know, Chuckles.

Black and Orange are the best, Green is the worst. I didn't even know they made them anymore, but sure enough, if you go to the gas station with the White Castle in it in Hinckley, you can get not only Chuckles, but also Bottle Caps, Necco Wafers, and Charleston Chews. It's like a time machine created by a joint venture between Jesus and Willy Wonka, only with stench of White Castle Ass wafting in from the background.

- Jeff Teague from Wake at #19 to the Hawks. I could pretend I know anything about Atlanta here, but I'd be lying. When I saw they made the playoffs this past season I assumed I had wandered into a time machine - one perhaps created by Jesus and Willy Wonka.

- Jazz take Eric Maynor. Very good player, excellent pick, but Utah is a horrible fit. The Jazz have the point locked up for the next ten years in Deron Williams. They just grabbed a guaranteed back up point guard in the first round. Although Snacks has been texting me bitching about the Rubio/Flynn combo and how they drafted a backup point at either 5 or 6, despite the fact that there was nobody there to pick at 6 other than a point guard and I assume they couldn't trade it. Nobody ever said Snacks was a good basketball mind.

- Charlotte New Orleans Hornets go with Darren Collison, continuing the run on back up point guards since they already have the supremely overrated Chris Paul. I don't like Collison much. He's very much like a Jacque Vaughn. I mean, I guess if you're looking for a fluffer you're good here.

- Portland apparently moved up from 24 to 22 for some reason when I wasn't paying attention, or so Stew Scott tells me. And they take some Spanish retard. The Blazers have a ton of young guys under contract for a few years, so a Euro makes sense, but I really don't get moving up to get him. There's a lot of weird shit going on these days. I'm cautiously optimistic about the new Wolves' guy so far. Two PGs at 5 and 6 is a bit off, but they were the two best players available and nobody else really stood out at those spots. The trade of the 18th pick didn't cost you anybody overly exciting after Clark and Daye were scooped up, and has a good chance of being a lottery pick next year, since it comes from Charlotte, not Denver. Like I said, cautiously optimistic.

- I'm starting to think they need to sell Vodka by the keg. That would probably be a negative on my draft resume.

- Speaking of Vodka, Sacramento takes some Russian. Actually, they're trying to tell me he's from Israel, but he doesn't look Jewish so I stick by my Russian call. The part of the draft when everybody takes the commies is super boring. Let's get into the drafting of college guys who I have heard of but have no shot at being good in the NBA.

- They just interviewed Shaq about the trade. I fast forwarded through the whole thing. Eff that guy.

- Dallas takes BJ Mullens. Isn't this the same franchise that took Shawn Bradley? And some other guy whose name began with an A who I don't remember? I actually think Mullens has a shot to be decent, even though I bashed him earlier. He showed some seriously nice moves at times last season, and has more polish than a lot of seven footers who hit the NBA. I'm thinking he will either end up being a very, very good player or completely disappear. Not a lot of in between here.

- I just made a reference to Goofus and Gallant from Highlights magazine to Mrs. W, who proceeded to ask me just what exactly was wrong with me. Somebody else has to remember them, right?

- Somebody who is picking take another foreign bastard. What is going on here? Do I need to shut this down? How are DeJuan Blair and Sam Young still on the board?

- The Bulls take Taj Gibson, one of the most overrated players in the history of history. And he's not that much different than Ty Thomas, so I'm not sure what the point of this pick is.

- Finally a good pick, seems like it's been forever. Memphis takes Demare Carroll from Missouri. Although, again, they already have Hakim Warrick, so not sure what the exact point is. Is this what the draft has been reduced to - picking backups? I don't really know, I haven't paid this much attention to the draft in years, but I remember the entire first round seeming very impactful. Maybe it was my own naivety.

- Interesting pick here by the Wolves at #28 in UNC's Wayne Ellington. Nobody would ever think he'll be a star, but he could be a good fit with the Wolves. With Miller and Foye shipped out, there really isn't a shooter left on this team. With Rubio and Flynn, there are going to be some drive and kick opportunities. Similar to Curry, Ellington might have just found himself in a situation where he can thrive and produce well above his actual abilities. I don't love this pick, but it could work - work to help them win 21 instead of 19 games the next couple of seasons, but still.

- Ok, screw that. I can't believe they didn't take Blair or Young here. Either of them would have been a good pick at #18, and they are both still there. Ellington is only a good pick here if you are on the cusp of contending and need a shooter to put you over the top. He has no room to improve, and is a good bit role player, but with an upside of Mike Miller. Blair and Young offered you more. Dropped the ball here, big time.

- Lakers take Toney Douglas from FSU and Cleveland grabs some dude from the Congo (genetically altered Ape programmed to kill? That would be a good pick) to close out round 1. I'm tired and drunk and tired and am a little burned out. I'll take a look at round 2 tomorrow.

Wolves Breaking News!!

As much as I hate to step on a Sioux Fan post (please make sure to read the post below this), a big T-Wolves deal is something I have to comment on.

According to ESPN, The Wolves have reached an agreement with the Wizards to send Randy Foye and Mike Miller to Washington in exchange for Darius Songaila, Etan Thomas, and Oleksiy Pecherov, as well as the #5 pick in Thursday's draft.

Wow. Kahn is really going ahead and putting his stamp on this team immediately. Getting rid of Miller isn't a big deal, and is pretty unsurprising. He's still good enough that he can contribute on a team that needs outside shooting help (the #1 need of the Kings), and is affordable at just $9 million this year with the contract expiring next season. An attractive piece to both trade and trade for. If he was on the team by draft day it would have been an upset.

Trading Foye is pretty much Kahn saying, "Look at me! Look at me! I'm in charge now! I want my own guys!" I'm not saying he's right or wrong here, as I am not exactly sold on Foye myself. He's not really a point guard (4.3 APG/2.1 TO), and he's not really a shooting guard (40% floor, 36% from three), but he did score over 16 points per game last season and he's still playing under his rookie contract, not to mention he's improved every year (sans shooting). In short, it's a huge risk and a huge gamble, and takes some huge balls right off the bat by this Kahn fella. I LOVE it. Even if it doesn't work out, at least he's not afraid to try.

As far as what's coming back, it's pretty much just the fifth pick and three players to match Foye and Miller's salaries. Thomas was a great shot blocker in college for the Cuse and showed some defensive potential in his six years in the league but has pretty much evolved into a bit player (and still has two years on his deal at $6.8 mil per). Songaila was an interesting player at Wake back in the day, and is a slow, white big guy but he should be able to impact the rotation if nothing else. Pecherov is a second-year communist Greg Ostertag but not as talented, but at least his name sounds like "Pecker Off" which makes me laugh.

I'm guessing the Wolves have basically fallen in love with two players in the draft (since Kahn has said he won't use #5 and #6 to move up to #2 - thank god) and wants to get them both. What I'm hoping is they grab Tyreke Evans and James Harden, then either trade #18 and/or #26 or use one of them on a wing player (if Earl Clark or Terrence Williams slip that would be ideal).

If they trade the pick, a good bet would be that they send the pick to Portland for SF Travis Outlaw. Word is the Blazers are trying to move some of the backcourt, and Outlaw is one of the names being tossed around. The Wolves would have to toss in Sheldon Williams to make the salaries match and couldn't after July 1st, but it's a possibility.

PG Tyreke Evans
SG James Harden
SF Terrence Williams/Earl Clark/Travis Outlaw
PF Kevin Love
C Al Jefferson

Fun.

In any case, a fun NBA draft for the Wolves just got a whole lot more fun. And don't think I'm not aware of the fact that this now doubles the chances they draft Curry.

Please god no.

Now go read the Sioux Fan post under this one if you haven't yet. It's a doozy!