Wednesday Wonderings

Finally managed a little time to get some thoughts down on paper or whatever you want to call it cybernerd, so I better get to typing before it's too late.  Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but work has really been kicking the ever-loving shit out of me the last two weeks.  Hopefully things will calm down after this weekend

-  The biggest news is that Trevor Mbakwe is officially back.



Obviously this is huge as he was the team's best player a year ago before going down to injury, and with Sampson (thankfully) gone he gives the team another inside presence besides Elliott Elliason and takes a lot of pressure off of Mo Walker's return (what's up with him anyway?).  Hopefully Mbakwe (and Walker) will be back at full strength for the season, which gives the team three capable big men along with Rodney Williams who can clearly play the four when need be.  Rodney is also the biggest driver of how far this team can go.  Mbakwe's return will push him back out to the perimeter for stretches, and with him thriving this year more in the post than on the wing how what will that do to his development?

If Williams can develop a reliable jumper (how many years have we been saying this) and keeps the confidence he gained this season in going to the rim this team can be a monster.  I feel confident in saying Andre Hollins is a rising star, and him, Mbakwe, and the good Williams give this team three legitimate threats to dominate a game at any one time, whether for stretches or in total.  Add in the late season improvement of Elliason, Austin Hollins, and Joe Coleman and the Gophers should by all rights be a top 4 Big 10 team with Indiana, Ohio State, and Michigan.  Even without Mbakwe back they could have reached those heights with continued improvement, so expectations are high this year.

Of course, there's also the possibility that Williams still can't shoot and falls back into his old disappearing routine when Mbakwe is on the post.  I'd like to think any player capable of putting together the stretch of games Rodney did to finish out the year is incapable of completely regressing back to a full year ago's form, but I'm certainly not going to completely rule it out.  I have to say, without exaggeration, this looks to me like it could be the best Gopher team we've seen since Clem was framed and railroaded out of town.  I'm very interested to see how they break my heart into a million pieces this year.

-  Looking like Morneau is back, eh?  This Twins team keeps showing me just enough to keep me interested, which I guess I can't complain about since last year I was checked out by like June.  And yeah, maybe it's sad that locking up a guaranteed split is enough to get us all tingly in our nether parts and yeah, Matt Capps continues to be the worst pitcher in history (but at least he mixed in a couple non-fastballs this time), and yeah, there's no way this team can win without some kind of major shocker or something coming from the starting pitching, but you know what, I'm entertained so far.  No, I still can't tell you anything about the bullpen guys beyond Capps and Duensing, but I do at least know now that they have some guy named Burton, and that's a victory for the good guys.

-  If you've been reading this blog too long and have been keeping track of all the times I've been right (which shouldn't be too hard) you may remember this piece I posted on Zack Greinke back in May of 2010.  Greinke was coming off his historically awesome 2009 year and had gotten off to a slow start and, thanks to digging into some advanced metrics it was clear to me he wasn't the same pitcher and I traded him immediately in our fantasy league, which turned out to be the right move because he was basically a slightly above average pitcher in 2010.  Since I'm a genius, I will briefly look at Tim Lincecum since he's sucked this year and figure out if this is real or a mirage (I promise I'll be brief, this is a random thoughts post after all, not a Tim Lincecum post)

Red flag #1 is he stopped throwing his slider, I assume for arm health reasons but I tried to look it up and after 1 link that didn't say anything meaningful I was bored.  It's not always bad to give up a pitch if it's not working, but that slider was Timmy's second best pitch behind his change-up last year (although to be fair it's been mediocre through his career).  This can be fixed simply by throwing the slider again (he threw it 15% of the time last season), which I read he was going to start doing again.

Red flag #2 is an alarming drop in fastball velocity, from 92.3mph to 90.3mph.  This has resulted in fewer missed bats, particularly in the strike zone (batters make contact 93% of the time on balls in the zone this year compared to 84% last year).  This is resulting in a lot of line drives (29% compared to 19% in his career) and a greater number of fly balls going out of the park (17% of flyballs have been HRs this year compared to 8% in his career).

Unlike Greinke, however, I think Lincecum will be just fine.  Despite the above he's actually increased his strikeout rate while decreasing his walk rate, always a positive move for a pitcher.  He's also suffering from line drive rates and HR/flyball rates that would be historically bad, along with a BABIP of over .400 which would be the highest ever and is unsustainable.  Basically, unlike Greinke who had just faded a bit, you either believe Lincecum will right the ship and be just fine or you believe he's fallen off a cliff and is done.  I believe the former, and actually I think I'm going to go try to trade for him right now, brb.

-  Here are my thoughts on the NHL playoffs so far:

-  I find it interesting that although I like cheeseburgers, I find the very thought of cheeseburger pizza disgusting, while at the same time I love tacos and absolutely adore taco pizza.  Man I'm whacky. 

-  Finally, happy birthday to Wonderbaby^TM, four years old today and an awesome kid who loves gymnastics, baseball, The Legend of Zelda, and a whole bunch of girlie crap.  Hard to believe that when I started this blog I didn't even have a kid yet.  Wow, I've been doing this for a long time.  You'd think I would have gotten better at it at some point.

Gophers get started on 2012 class

Two quick things before we get to the sportsy stuff:

1. Words like "mitigate" and "optimize" sound great when presenting something, but they completely lose their effectiveness if you say "um" before them each time you use them.  It ends up having the opposite effect you're going for and you just sound like someone who is trying to use big words but is very uncomfortable with them.  Stop, and learn how to speak in public.  They have classes for this now.
2. When there is a meeting where one person is presenting and informing others it is still just called a meeting.  It is not, under any circumstances, to be called a "download."  I'm not making this up.  Don't we have enough bastardized words shoe-horned into every day parlance without making up more?  It's not a download.  It's just a meeting.  Stop this immediately, if not sooner.

Thanks for listening.  And go:

As I mentioned in the headline, Gopher hoops signed their first dude for 2012.  This actually happened a couple days ago, but like NBC always said if you haven't seen it, it's new to you.  Said signee is Wally Ellenson, a shooting guard out of Rice Lake, WI who is a bit of an anomaly in that he's a white dude whose best skills are his athleticism and dunking ability (which would explain why Bo Ryan had no interest).  I've read that he needs to do some work on his ball-handling and passing skills, so I don't think he's a potential answer to the point guard issue the Gophers.  I've also read varying reports on his shooting, from that he's a deadeye to that it's something he needs to work on.

Ellenson is really a bit of a mystery to those that haven't seen him play, which would include myself.  Rivals doesn't rank him (which means they haven't scouted him).  Scout doesn't rank him (ditto).  ESPN gives him an 89, although what that means I couldn't possibly tell you, and ranks him as the 36th best SG in the class but doesn't give us a scouting report.  We know he's a great athlete because he is a state champion high jumper and holds his school's record in that event, and we know he must have some skill since he was also offered by West Virginia, Washington, and Oklahoma State, amongst others.

Despite a bit of mystery I'm on board with this signing.  Check out this roster for the 2012 season:  Ellenson, the two Hollins, Mo Walker, Oto Osenieks, Joe Coleman, Maverick, Chip Armelin, Elliott Eliason, Andre Ingram, Julian Welch, and Rodney Williams assuming he doesn't go pro, along with another scholarship.  Notice anything?  That is a whole shitload of interchangeable parts.  Obviously Walker, Eliason, Osenieks, Maverick, and Welch don't fit that mold, but most of the rest of these guys can do a little bit of everything and fill a lot of different roles with their athleticism.  You've got Rodney, Coleman, Armelin, both HOllins's, and Ingram who are all plus athletes with varying degrees of ball-handling ability - that sounds a lot like both Memphis's Final Four team and West Virginia's Final Four team.

I'm not saying they'll have that kind of talent, but intentional or not Tubby seems to amassing that type of team, and it gives you all sorts of options.  If they can pick up a big man who has some perimeter skills - and no, I don't mean a dandy like Rick Rickert or Ralph Sampson who prances around the three-point line in their metaphorical sun dress - somebody like a Jon Leuer or JaJuan Johnson (although likely far less talented) I am really going to be pleased with the direction they're heading in. 

Of course if Welch was playing at UC-Davis for a reason and the new Hollins really is more of a shooting guard/wing than a combo guard/point guard (my fear) and they have to have Ahanmisi do the majority of the ball-handling this is all moot anyway and we might as well start lining up to watch the Lynx.  Let's move on to happier things.

Happier as in happy 1st birthday to Baby Ben^TM. Hard to believe it's been a year already, and I'm now realizing that I never really talk about my stupid kids on here anymore.  Well Benny's all dude, and just wants to play sports all day.  As a one-year old that just means picking up a random ball, throwing, and crawling after it mostly, but he has mastered picking up a ball and putting it in the little kiddie hoop we have already.  Future super star, although the bad news is he's pretty clearly right-handed.  His other favorite past times include playing with cars, banging shit together, and throwing things that aren't balls across the room.

As far as Wonderbaby^TM goes, she's now 3-years old and although she loves climbing things, running around outside, and playing with rocks and dirt, she's also got a "pure girly girl" streak running through her.  The other day we were sitting around and I asked her if she wanted to watch my animated copy of "The Hobbit" on DVD and her first question was, "Does it have a princess in it?"  So yeah.  But at least she loves Phineas and Ferb, which is a kid's cartoon but is also one of the funniest shows on TV.  Even better, I'm finding out that Dad's love the show and Mom's hate it, which is exactly what I want to raise my kids on.  They both get a nice sampling of Boy Meets World and Saved by the Bell, too.  Father of the year?  Yes, Father of the Year.

The boy, showing a nice jock/nerd mix:

The Girl, being a delightfully weird 3-year old:

 

And a closer up pic of the girl so you can see how cute she is:

Happy Birthday Wonderbaby!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WONDERBABY^TM!!! Those of you who have been with this blog for a long time might even remember her being born.  In any case, I've posted pictures of her here and there, and have maybe included a story or two, but really I just can't believe she's three years old already.   She's the smartest, prettiest, and most athletic three-year old in her preschool (that's not just bragging, the teachers have told us such), and I love every minute I get to spend with her, even when she's throwing tantrums because she wants candy or making me watch Shrek or Toy Story for the 8 billionth time.  Here's the latest picture of the world's most perfect child:

Jealous?


Lastly, for those who know some of the characters who frequent this blog, I want you to know that Dawger, Snake, and Bogart are all huge jerks.  Thank you and good night.

Embarrassment!

That was such a terrible loss (Gophers vs. South Dakota), I don't even know where to begin.  Ok, I do.  Barring a miraculous run, there is no way Tim Brewster should be back for his fifth year.  I know the players on the field are the ones who ultimately decide wins and losses, and Brewster can't be blamed for the amount of open receivers Adam Weber missed or the key drops by receivers, but there is a lot here that falls directly on the coaching staff.  The inability to stop a slant route?  Allowing a Division I-AA QB in his second career start to go 21-30 for 352 yards?  To get sucked in over and over by a simple screen pass?  These things are all preparation related and are the responsibility of the coaches.  And don't even get me started on somehow shifting away from the pound the ball philosophy that won the game vs. Middle Tennessee.  Once again, the Gophers had the size and strength advantage, but instead of exploiting it to their advantage as they did last week, they drifted away from their strength and it cost them.

It would be one thing if it was a fluke, with the Coyotes winning due to a few lucky plays and some breaks going their way, but it wasn't.  It was basically a domination, with USD in control the whole way.  First off, they scored 41 freaking points, and they don't exactly run one of those goofy high-scoring spread offenses.  They gained 444 yards, averaged nearly 12 yards per pass attempt, and converted 50% of their third downs.  Most of all, once they took the lead at 7-3 with 8:09 remaining in the first quarter, they never relinquished the lead.  In the second quarter when the Gophers cut the lead to 14-10 USD responded by going on an 8-play drive ending in a touchdown.  In the third quarter the Gophers cut the lead to 28-24.  The Coyotes immediately went on a 7-play drive, again ending in a TD.  When the Gophers made it 34-30 in the fourth, hey scored on the next drive yet again.  Finally, when the Gophers cut it to 41-38 with three minutes left, South Dakota didn't just sit on the ball, run it up the middle, and try to take the clock down.  They took it right at the Gophers, knowing they couldn't stop them through the air, completed two passes for first downs, and won the game.  They were in control the entire way.

Perhaps the worst thing about this loss and biggest indictment of the Brewster regime is that nobody could possibly be surprised by this loss.  I mean think about it.  Say you didn't watch the game and hadn't heard the result, and then your friend called you up and said the Gophers lost to South Dakota; what would be your reaction?  Mild disbelief?  At worst?  Maybe a sarcastic "shut up" but not with any real conviction behind it?  And how hard would he have to reassure you he was telling the truth?  Repeat himself once?  This isn't surprising at all, it's merely the logic product of four years of moving backwards.  The loss to Florida Atlantic, the loss to NDSU, the near loss to SDSU, the two-safeties collapse against Wisconsin, and 55-0 vs. Iowa were all just preludes to this:  the lowest moment in Gopher football history that I can remember being alive for, something Brewster has been on a beeline for the last couple of years. 

Look, I get it.  You took a chance on an unproven guy who talked a great game and was undeniably enthusiastic about the school and the job.  The problem was he was all talk and no walk, all flash and no substance, all sizzle and no steak.  Mediocre recruiting, poor fundamentals, an inability to put together and/or stick to a gameplan on either side of the ball, and a constantly shifting offensive identity isn't going to get it done at this level, and after four years I think we can safely assume that's still what we're going to get, so it's time to go.

Although it now looks like the absolute upside on wins this season is going to be four, so I don't think Maturi is going to have much of a choice but to can him.  The real question is, do we trust him to hire somebody better?

At least somebody I know enjoyed the game:

Home At Last

Baby Benny^TM has finally decided to join Wonderbaby^TM and take his talents to our house.  Blogging should recommence soon enough.  Stay tuned.

Week in Review - 7/26/2010 (Dan Haren edition)

God damn it.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Delmon Young.  No joke guys, I think we've reached the point where Delmoney is absolutely carrying this team.   In terms of the batters, that is, since really Pavariano is the combo that's really getting it done.  But batting-wise ever since that Canadian fella whacked his head like Billy-Bob, Delmon has become the man.  He's basically the third best hitter on the team this year, and that is only if you count Thome.  He's locked in the way Mauer was last year and Morenau was most of this year.

And he even made a play on Saturday night where he sprinted into the corner to catch a fly ball and then tossed out Miguel Tejada tagging (inexplicably) from first to second.  I'm starting to think something special is happenign.   Perhaps the best sign is what's coming out of the clubhouse from Gardy, Thome, and other teammates.  I know it's basically their job to blow smoke up the media and fan's collective ass, but last year you never heard anything positive about Delmon off the field (or on, for that matter) so even the faintest praise is a pretty positive sign.  And in this case the praise is flowing like the salmon to Capistrano, so we may very well have a monster breaking out here. 

2.  Miguel Cabrera.  Speaking of people who are overshadowing the advillian-challenged Morneau, Cabrera pretty much has the AL MVP wrapped up and we aren't even to August yet, and he killed pitchers again this week. 13-27 this week with 9 RBI, and he's now hitting .348/.421/.650 on the year, and is now first in slugging and second in OBP and AVG in all of baseball, and on top of that is third in home runs and first in RBI.  So he's basically doing what Joe Mauer did last year, but add in a possible triple crown.  Just a tremendous season so far.  I hope he hits Dan Haren in the face with a line drive.

3.  Kelly Johnson.  He hit for the cycle, which would be way more exciting but I know pretty much nothing about him.  I know he's a Diamondback and used to be a Brave, and I know he's a second baseman.  Does he play any other positions?  I don't know.  Does he hit .220 or .320?  Is he a 5 HR hitter or a 25 HR hitter?  Does he steal 3 bases or 60?  These are all answered with a shrug and a self-deprecating yet charming smirk.  So congrats on your cycle Kelly.  You've got a hell of a legacy going on here.  I hope you enjoy playing with the crap the Angels gave away to steal sexy Dan Haren away from you.

4.  Danny Valencia.  I still think he's probably a slap-hitting nancy girl, but I've been noticing that a lot of his hits lately are more of the line drive variety than the bloop/seeing eye grounder variety.  He put together back-to-back 3-for-5 games over the weekend, and he's now hitting .346/.398/.395 for the year, and if that was over an entire season thus far he would rank as the fifth best third baseman (OPS-wise) in the American League behind Adrian Beltre (wait, what?), Evan Longoria, A-Rod, and Michael Young.  Is he that good?  No, certainly not, and with a a slugging percentage lower than his OBP he is definitely a slap-hitting Judy, but still I feel slightly impressed.  He'd be a much better prospect to give the Diamondbacks than what the craptastic Halos gave for Haren, and not nearly good enough that they'd actually miss him.  Nice work, jackasses.

5.  Dan Haren.  He gets to pitch for a contender and gets to stay on the West Coast, the two things he said he wanted.  Well played, Haren.  Well played indeed.  Of course, he also said that going to a contender was the most important thing, and that he simply preferred to stay on the West Coast.  The Twins are a contender, allegedly, and would have been a good landing place.  This sucks.  



WHO SUCKED

1.  Twins.  I know they could have come up with a better offer than what the Angels gave for Haren.  I know they could have, because the offer the Angels put together was Joe Saunders, two middling prospects and a player to be named later.  I plan to look at this further, but for right now my first reaction is that this is a bunch of crap, and they were too pussy to put a real offer out there.  Seriously, this was the year to make a move like this.  The lineup is going to be worse next year.  Right now they have Hudson (when he's not hurt), Hardy (when he's not hurt), and Thome and next year they are going to end up going back to Tolbert, Casilla, and Harris.  Bank on it.  This was the time to make the move.  And if it didn't work out, Haren would still have trade value and they could flip him next year or two year's from now if needed.  Just a bullshit chicken-shit move.  Enough already with the small market bullshit.  Maybe I'm ungrateful, but I'm sick of scratching by to win the division and getting run right out of the playoffs.  Make a move already.  God I'm emotional right now.  This must be what women feel like all the time.

2.  Diamondbacks.  I'm too sleepy to look it all up, but over and over and over again the Arizona brain trust, and I mean that the same way people refer to David Kahn as the T-Wolves brain trust, said they would have to be blown away by an offer and that this wouldn't be a "salary dump."  Well guess what, assholes?  This was a straight salary dump.  They got a mediocre left-handed starter, a B prospect, a C prospect, and a nothing prospect.  Basically equivalent to a Twins offer of Slowey, Jesse Crain, Adrian Salcedo, and Matt Bashore.  Who?  Exactly.  The Twins could have bettered that offer with minimal effort and minimal affect on the overall minor league system.  Awesome.  Just awesome.   

3.  Paul Casey.  Here is the list of golfers who ranked higher than Paul Casey on the World Golf Rankings who played with him at the FBR Open in Canada this weekend:


Yep, nobody.  And yet, Mr. #8 in the world couldn't be bothered to make the cut.  Of course, neither did Sean O'Hair, Scott Verplank, Fred Couples, or Mike Weir, leading to a thrilling Sunday showdown between Carl "The Swedish Boss Hog" Petterson and Dean "Can't tell if he's Asian or not" Wilson.  This is where I would tell you who won, but you don't care and it doesn't matter.  And also I don't actually know because I didn't watch.  I was too busy crying.

4.  David Ortiz.  I somehow found myself watching the Boston/Seattle game Friday night, even though I didn't have money on it and had zero fantasy players involved.  No, I have no idea what I was doing there.  Not really the point, Tito.  The point is that with one out and the bases loaded in the top of the sixth in a 1-1 game, David Ortiz was picked off of third base.  And not by the pitcher on something weird, by the catcher.  And not by the catcher on a blocked ball in the dirt.  It was on a set play by the Mariners where the pitch was outside and the third basemen broke to cover and the catcher winged it down there as soon as he caught it.  Which tells me that it wasn't an isolated incident, but Ortiz was getting way too far off the base regularly.  Seriously where exactly was he going?  Where did David Ortiz think he was going?  Was he going to steal home?  Score on a ball in the dirt?  What could he have possibly had running through his head?  I can't decide if this is more Lew Ford or more Denard Span.   Maybe it's more Bill Smith.  You know, screwing something easy and simple and obvious up beyond all repair.

5.  Life.  You win again.  I feel like Wonderbaby^TM when she met Santa. 

Apologies to Rickie Weeks who probably deserved a spot in the Awesome column, but I had to give props to Danny Haren instead.  It's been a long time since I've had my heart broken like this.  I need to go drown my sorrows in alcohol and tears.  Maybe a nice bundt cake.

A Little Cliff Lee Talk

With the Cliff Lee rumors gaining traction, including one about an incredibly strong offer from the Twins camp (Ramos and Aaron Hicks - whoa) that I'm not sure I believe, especially because the Mariners would have/should have accepted that in a heartbeat, I took some time to take a little look at Cliffy and how he'd fit into the Twins rotation.  The answer = well.

His stats are incredibly easy to look up, so I'm not going to get into that too much, but one thing I was curious about is how he would look on a start-to-start basis compared to what the Twins have now.  For that, I turn to a Bill James' creation called "Game Score."  It's a pretty simple and of course slightly flawed way to measure a pitcher's effectiveness in any given start, but it's good enough for our purposes.  The formula is:

1.  Start with a score of 50.
2.  Add 1 point for every out recorded before the fifth, with 2 points added for every out recorded from the fifth inning on.
3.  Add 1 point per strikeout.
4.  Subtract 1 point per walk allowed.
5.  Subtract 2 points per hit allowed
6.  Subtract 4 points for every earned run allowed.
7.  Subtract 2 points for every unearned run allowed.

And that's it.  Pretty simple, yes, and kind of feels like something we would have cooked up in the basement while playing Dusty Diamond's All-Star Softball, but good enough.

The best game score of the year was Roy Halladay's perfect game with a 98.  The worst score of the year was Edwin Jackson's -5 in a game in which he pitched 2.1 innings and allowed 11 hits and 10 runs.  Interestingly, Jackson also has a seven this year, which makes him one of only four pitchers to have two games scoring less than a 10 (shockingly, Blackburn isn't one of them).  He also has three games above an 80, which is the same amount as Halladay and one more than Ubaldo.  He must be maddening to watch.

Anyway, I looked at the Twins' starters' scores each week, compared Cliff Lee's score for that week, and checked where he would slot in.  Below are the starters game scores for each start, with the columns representing the weeks of the season.  Lee's game scores are slotted in and highlighted in yellow.

As you can see, in the 10 weeks since he came off the DL, he would have had the best start by any Twin pitcher that week in 3 of the weeks, with the second best start in another three, with two of those second place finishes only being displaced because of incredible outings by Pavano (complete game shutout) and Baker (7 innings, 2 hits, 12 ks).

Ten of his twelve starts qualify as quality starts according to this metric (game score = 50 or greater), compared to the overall Twins' % of just 56%.  He has seven games this year which have scored at least 70.  The Twins as a team have had twelve.  His average game score, including the one clunker, is a 65.  That would be the 18th best start of the year by a Minnesota starter, and essentially equivalent to Nick Blackburn's best game.

I'm going to say that again.  Cliff Lee's average outing is essentially equal to the best that Nick Blackburn has offered this year.  I know it's skewed a bit since Blacky isn't a strikeout pitcher, but even so that is a bit staggering.

If nothing else, acquiring Lee and his 65 average allows Blackburn (and his average of 40) to be removed from the rotation.  So every five days instead of something like 6 innings/10 hits/4 runs/1 walk/ 4 ks, you'd be getting something like 7 innings/6 hits/1 run/2 walks/7 ks.

Sign me up.  I don't really love giving up both Ramos and Hicks, but I say do whatever it takes.

And try to get them to take Blackburn.

Lastly, I feel as if I haven't been giving you all enough Wonderbaby^TM lately, and with Wonderbaby 2.0^TM arriving in approximately six weeks, I should jam the original in here as much as possible. So here's the little darlin' getting her fish on this weekend. She only caught one fewer fish than Daddy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WONDERBABY!!!

I can't believe you are two already....

A Christmas Wish

I'm not going to preview the South Dakota State game (Go Jackrabbits!).  I'm just not.  You can't make me.  They are the last in a string of terrible non-conference opponents, they're terrible, and they have nobody worth watching.  Instead, I'm going to do a cliched cheesy christmas wish list.  Hopefully it's not terrible, but if it is, you get what you pay for.

Dear Santa,

Please bring:

Al Nolen the ability to finish at the rim.  I could have gone with jumpshot here as well, but if he can only have one I think adding the threat of being able to score when he consistently blows by his defender is more valuable than an outside shot.  Once the big ten season starts, players aren't going to leave their men for easy dishes - they know things.

Damian Johnson a consistent outside shot.  Remember Travarus Bennett?  Similar player, but he developed into a good perimeter shooter his senior year (as did Eric Harris).  Johnson is improved, but he's not there yet.

Ralph Sampson a mean streak.  He's nearly perfect physically (*swoon*), but it would be nice to see him a little more fired up, maybe knocking around a few people's heads and toss in a technical here or there.  Get pissed Ralphie, you're being disrespected.

Colt Iverson the dream shake.  Although improved, his footwork on the low block can be cringe-worthy at times.  If he adds some moves and be smoother and more fluid, I am starting to think he could be a serious offensive weapon down the line.

Joe Mauer the one team loyalty of Kirby Puckett and Cal Ripken. Come on Joe, you know you want to.  What can money buy you any way outside of happiness, love, and everything you could ever want?

Bill Smith some aggressiveness.  The J.J. Hardy trade is a good start, but there is a lot more work to do here, especially if you want to prove to Jo-Jo that you're serious about winning.  Take a page out of Seattle's book - they have a higher payroll but they maximize it.

Carlos Gomez the drive to excel when he's been disrespected (think Steve Smith).  I'd rather have him do it with the Twins, but he's gone now.  I'd love to see him channel their giving up on him into becoming a great player.

Brad Childress all the mental faculties a head coach needs.  Any of them would do, I'm not sure he has a single one.

Adrian Peterson twenty carries a game.  How is this something we even have to ask for?

Brett Favre the fountain of youth.  Don't you go falling apart on me old man.

Michael Cuddyer the hope that someone takes away Greg Gagne's inability to resist the down and away Slider in the dirt - this would be the White Elephant/Yankee Swap portion of the evening.

Devoe Joseph a brother to play with.

Lawrence Westbrook some focus.  You may be the "#1 option", but this whole team is essentially 1B to  your 1A, and drifting in-and-out of attentiveness on both ends of the court is not an endearing trait.

Delmon Young some plate patience.  I'm not sure what his ceiling is, but I'm confidant we aren't going to see it unless he stops swinging at every pitch he sees.

Devron Bostick a time machine.  If he had chosen St. Louis or Northern Illinois (two others who offered) he would be averaging 15-20 per game.

Blake Hoffarber nothing.  He's perfect.

Baseball some kind of reform.  Watching the Yankees and Red Sox continue to stock pile anything they want is actually starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth, and I know I'm late to the party and have defending the sport over and over again.  The Yankees just picked up Javier Vazquez, who is owed $11.5 million next year, to be their fourth starter.  $11.5 million for a fourth starter!  If he doesn't work out, they just shrug their shoulders and move on, meanwhile that money would be a huge investment for 90% of the other teams.  Frustrating.

Francisco Liriano some kind of miracle cure.  I can't be the only whose heart breaks every time he's on the hill, and not just for me as a fan, but for him as well.  It has to be incredibly frustrating.

Joe Crede the guy who worked on Larry Bird's back towards the end of his career.  Bird couldn't move on non-game days, but when he had to play the dude worked his Miyagi/Kilmer magic and Bird would go mess around and get a triple-double, yet Crede has missed like, 75% of his teams games.



I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting, but unfortunately that's all the time I have.  For now, let me say Merry Christmas (and all other Holidays) from Down with Goldy and Wonderbaby^TM, who really is not a big fan of Santa Claus:

I thought Hawks ate Gophers (or something)

Wow.  That was a brutal team.  I don't recall seeing such awful defense ever, not counting if you played Snacks in Coach K College Basketball on Sega Genesis and he was Michigan State with Jamie Feick anchoring the middle.  The Gophers shot 53% from the field and 45% from three and should almost be embarassed of those numbers.

I've seriously never seen so many open shots and easy dunks.  I have no idea how St. Joe's hung tough with Villanova.  Maybe that was "their Super Bowl" kind of game since they are heated rivals, but that team I saw out there tonight was embarrassing.  They weren't much better on offense either, particularly in the second half when it kind of turned into an "Imitate Reggie Holmes" contest and passing became little more than a rumor.  Even worse, this was Wonderbaby's^TM first ever Gopher game. I hope it didn't turn her off of basketball forever.

Rather than focus on the evil in this world (such as St. Joe's defense), let's just highlight some Gophers who performed well, keeping in mind they were essentially going up against a bunch of cardboard cutouts or those awesomely tight Fatheads. Seriously, I own like 20 fatheads. They're awesome and totally something a grown man should own. You definitely don't need to re-evaluate your life if you own any of them or anything.

- Ralph, who I just dropped in my fantasy league, put up some huge numbers - finishing with 16 points, 10 rebounds, 3 blocks and 3 assists.  He had like, seven dunks or something late in the game when St. Joe's went into their ole defense, but prior to that he played a pretty solid game with some nice moves, including an alley-oop that he effed up and accidentally made the layup instead.  Now I have to think about picking him back up.  F me.

-  Colt Iverson is starting to look, dare I say, kind of polished in the post and finished with 11 and 7.  I'm terrified he's becoming what I wanted Ralph to be.  Although Ralph still has a pretty touch from the perimeter and Iverson looks like he's throwing a hatchet and a hostile injun when he's outside of six feet, so maybe I don't have to worry just yet.

- Blake Hoffbauer definitely deserves mention after putting up a nearly-career high 20 after hitting five of his nine three-point attempts.  His shot being back after a rough year last season is overshadowing perhaps the most interesting part of his game; this guy can ball.  His other stats aren't that great today (3 rebs, 1 assist, 1 steal, and 1 turnover that was actually Ralph's fault please don't hurt me Ralph I still love you), but the guy is just a heady player.  Always around the ball, capable of a ten rebound game, and an excellent assist-to-turnover ratio; I'm just falling for the Hoff in such a big way.  Somebody invite me to a kegger at the U so I can get drunk and follow him around and compliment him so much he gets really uncomfortable but he's so polite he won't tell me to F off.

-  Devoe can shoot that rock like nobody's business.  I think the famous "guy who sits next to us who yells a lot and is a total homer and has almost zero understanding of how basketball actually works" had his crowning achievement today when he yelled at Devoe for shooting a wide open (and I mean wide open, even on a day when everybody was wide open this was wide open) three pointer (which he made) by saying, "No!  Get it inside, No!".  Oof.  This guy would be a psychiatrist's dream.  

-  Finally, this isn't Gopher related, but I promised I'd follow Morgan State's Reggie Holmes and report on him here and so I must.  Also I decided any post that contains a Holmes update will have his picture way up top, so you know the excellence will be broughten - sort of like the Bat Signal.The Bears beat my formerly beloved Manhattan Jaspers today behind 31 from Mr. Holmes on some most excellent shooting (10-17) with four turnovers.  Assists = 0, bringing his season totals to 4 assists and 19 turnovers.  He's still 15 assists shy of his career high.  Stay tuned.

Also here is a picture of Wonderbaby at the game because I know you want to see it.

Weekend Review - 9/28/2009

Obviously I survived our little cookout yesterday with Dawger, Super Sioux Fan, and Baby Dawger, and I had a shockingly good time.  Super Sioux Fan didn't try to kill me (to my knowledge), we ate some good food, watched a hell of a win by the Vikes and a predictable loss by the Twins, I beat Dawger in HORSE, and learned that Vodka & Tab is actually pretty damn good.  The day ended with hugs for all and by all, and I don't know which was scarier, when SSF hugged me, or when she hugged Wonderbaby^TM.  Luckily, she decided not to kill either of us this time.  Narrowly averted death, or grossly overestimated SSF craziness?  I'll let you decide.  Anyway, on to the stupid crap.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Jacob Edward Peavy.  Great googily-moogily, how much does it suck that this guy is going to be in the AL Central until like, 2012 or something?  In just his second start back from injury (since June 8th) he came out and completely shut down the Tigers Friday night, going seven scoreless innings allowing just six hits and striking out eight.  The Sox (well, more accurately the Twins) needed him to throw that well too, since the White Sox bats weren't working against Tigers' starter Eddie Bonine who nobody has ever heard of.  Bonine no-hit the Sox until their were 2 outs in the sixth, which is when Brandon "0 homers in the derby" Inge kicked away a routine groundball, letting Alex Rios reach.  The next batter was David Beckham, who went yahtzee for the Sox first hit and gave them the 2-0 lead - which would also be the final margin.  Anyway, this really sucks that Peavy is on the White Sox.  AL pitchers are supposed to go over to the NL and dominate, not the other way around.  It's going to be frustrating watching the Twins flail away against him.

2.  Phil Mickelson.  Well this was pretty unexpected.  I thought Mickelson was essentially done for the year after the whole double cancer issue, and his play was showing it, but he came up huge and won the Tour Championship this weekend.  He didn't have a finish in the top-25 in the five tournaments since the US Open, and started slowly this weekend with a 73 (+3) on Thursday, but he got better each day, closing it out 67-66-65, good enough for nine under par and a three shot win over a Tiger, not to mention an extra $1.35 million in the bank.  Tiger ended up the winner of the $10 mil and the Fed Ex Cup, but this is a good win for Phil not only to build on, but to remind everybody that he's still the second best golfer in the world.  I'm thinking 2010 might end up being a big year for him.  


3.  South Florida.  Huge win over #18 Florida State on Saturday in Tallahassee, fueled by two major parts - QB B.J. Daniels and their defense, particularly the defensive line.  The Bulls defense held the Seminoles to just 7 points and 16 rushing yards in their 17-7 upset, while sacking FSU QB Christian Ponder five times, forcing (and recovering) four fumbles, and putting so much pressure on the QB that FSU had to abandon anything down field.  Daniels is an even better story - making his first career start, replacing four-year starter Matt Grothe who is now out for the season with an injury.  Not only that, the Seminoles recruited Daniels but told him they wanted him as a WR, not as a QB, but he certainly showed them, tossing for 215 yards and 2 scores while rushing for 124 yards.  It was the first time since 1986 FSU as allowed an opposing QB to run for over 100 yards, and is the first win over Florida's big three schools for the Bulls.  I have a feeling they had a good time that night.

4.  Zack Greinke.  Seeing as the Twins' were fortunate enough to miss Mr. Greinke all season long, I never really got to see him pitch.  Now that I have, holy dear god.  This guy is ridiculous.  His fastball is in the upper mid-nineties and tails about a foot, his curve falls off a cliff, and his change had guys lunging like Cuddyer after a slider in the dirt, but I'm talkiing good hitters like Kubel and Span.  He shut down the Twins Sunday, and his season numbers are now a 16-8 record, a 2.06 ERA, and a 1.07 WHIP, and he's either first or second in every meaningful pitching category.  Honestly, him losing the Cy Young might be a bigger travesty than Mauer losing the MVP.  This one is a true test of how stupid award voters are, which makes me very nervous for Greinke.  Here's hoping they make the right choice.  Oh, and just for kicks, his ERA in September is 0.35.  No lie.

5.  Greg Lewis.  That catch was sick.  Absolutely gorgeous.  I'll admit, when the Vikes picked up Lewis my reaction was to make a dismissive wanking motion, but it turns out I was dead wrong.  Favre is the hero here, no doubt, for a great play on that finale as well as for leading the team on the game winning drive - one which T-Jax couldn't have pulled off - but if Lewis doesn't make that ridiculous catch that's the ball game, the Vikes are 2-1, and everybody is freaking out and wondering if the team sucks now.  And speaking of sucks, it really sucks that Frank Gore is hurt.  Not just because he is on my fantasy team either.  Ok just kidding.  That's pretty much the whole reason.

Here is Lewis's catch.  If you haven't seen it, you need to watch it.  If you have, are you telling me you don't want to see it again?


WHO SUCKED

1.  Ole Miss.  I had no idea Ole Miss was ranked #4 in football.  I thought the only time they were good was when Eli Manning was slinging the pill all those years back and that they had faded back into mediocrity.  Apparently not so, but they may be heading that way after laying an absolute egg and losing 16-10 to the unranked Gamecocks of South Carolina on Thursday.  After looking into it, it turns out that this is the highest ranking the Rebels have had since 1970, and also that their QB, Jevan Snead is thought of as one of the best QBs in college football.  He certainly didn't play like it, putting up a Jake Delhomme of a day, completing just 7 of 21 passes for the game and leading the Rebs on a drive of more than 49 yards just once.  Oh well, another top 5 teams bites it.  Maybe this will help get a non-BCS team like Boise into the championship game.  Plus, I finally get to post this picture of Ole Miss chicks I've been holding onto.

2.  Cal.  Yikers, there isn't a font big enough to post this OOF, an embarrassing, emasculating, and disembowling loss 42-3 against the terrible Oregon Ducks.  The Bears scored first, going up 3-0, but the the Ducks reeled of 42 unanswered on their way to gaining more than double the yards of Cal.  Jahvid Best, who you probably remember shredding the Gophers, gained just 65 yards.  What's weird is that Cal didn't really even turn the ball over - just one fumble - they just couldn't do anything.  They had the ball 14 times and couldn't muster a single drive over 50 yards; the only reason they even scored was because Oregon fumbled the opening kickoff.  Just wow.  Just a horrid performance on both sides of the ball.      

3.  Tampa Bay.  Guess how many yards Tampa Bay gained Sunday against the Giants.  Nevermind, it's impossible to even guess - it's 86.  86 yards.  Eighty-six.  And that's the entire game, mind you, not just a half or a quarter or a drive.  Byron Leftwich, Tampa's QB and the guy I just picked up to be my backup QB, completed just seven of 16 attemps, for a huge total of 22 yards and a pick before being pulled for Josh Johnson who I have never heard of.  Johnson was much more effective, completing four of ten for 36 yards, and also rushing once for a gain of 15.  Funny thing about that 15 yard gain is that it made Johnson the leading rusher for the Bucs on the day.  That vaunted three-headed monster at RB of Earnest Graham, Cadillac Williams, and Derrick Ward racked up a grand total of 13 yards, with Caddy leading the way with eight.  Needless to say, they scored 0 points and are starting to look like they're going to give the Rams, Browns, and Raiders a run for that first overall pick in 2010, or as I like to call it, "The Sam Bradford Sweepstakes."  

4.  Jamarcus Russell.  Remember when the Raiders took Russell first overall in the 2007 draft and everybody was like "Dude, what?  This guy isn't a first overall type.  There's way better guys like, oh, say Adrian Peterson available.  If you really need a QB, trade down and take Brady Quinn at least.  Good god, you're not really going to take J-Russ first are you?"  Well, it keeps looking more and more like everybody was right.  Russell laid his latest bomb on Sunday, completing 12-21 passes for a grand total of 61 yards (and 2 picks).  That's five yards per completion.  Five.  I don't even know how that is possible.  I wish I would have watched this game.  Was it a series of shovel passes?  Failed screen after failed screen?  I'm stumped.  That gave him a QB rating of 22.6, which will really drag down his season rating of 46.6 coming into the game.  The best part?  He's making north of $16 million this year.  Awesome.   

5.  Francisco Liriano.  Let's just go ahead and shut it down guys, it's over for Franky.  In case you missed it, he decided he didn't even want to get out of the second inning against KC on Sunday, mainly because he once again refused to throw strikes and when he did people like frickin' Yuniesky Betancourt hit it eight billion miles.  He needs to work his ass off this winter and figure something out, because his career is about thisclose to being over right now.  Assuming he doesn't pitch again this season (please god), his final numbers are 5-13 with an ERA of 5.88 and a WHIP of 1.56.  I don't have the time or inclination right now to get further into his numbers (Sidler, you still alive?), but things really aren't good.  He's like the Jamarcus Russell of pitchers. 


So that'll do it.  Honorable mention for sucking to Terrell Owens, who didn't have a catch yesterday because he's gay.

I am off to the Detroit City tomorrow, and will be spending two nights in the toilet bowl of america - including one night when I'll be at Comerica Park to no doubt watch the Twins lose.  For now I leave you with this awesome picture of Baby Dawger and Wonderbaby^TM.

 

No this Blog is not Dead.

No, we aren't dead. Some brain dead jackass asked me this weekend if this blog was going to die, and the answer is no. As I've mentioned in every post I've made this month, although admittedly there haven't been many, I'm swamped at work and with weekend things going on all month. I promise once we hit August things will pick back up. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if one of the other contributors on this site would like to toss up a post or two. I know Dawger is dying to talk Twins. Anyway, I do have a little bit of time tonight, so I'll make a couple quick comments.

- I should probably go ahead and start with the British Open, since the winner is my arch enemy, the uncalcuably gay Stew Cink. Make no mistake, he got lucky and it probably shouldn't count. Think about it. How hard is it to beat an old man? An old man who has already played 72 holes in four days in the freezing cold and wind and rain? Most guys Watson's age would have been out by hole 11. Hell, most guys Watson's age would have woken up the morning after the first round and been unable to get out of bed and have to use that clicker thing or whatever it is that the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady advertised. Seriously, what was it? A clicker of some kind? A phone? Wow, I can picture the lady but I don't remember the product. Is that good advertising or bad?

Anyway, I had originally planned to call Watson a choker, but now that I think more about it I'm guessing he was just a bit tuckered. Although there isn't much more disappointing than thinking you are watching the story of the year (at a minimum), but instead you get some bald-headed, gigantic sloth freak sneaking in the back door and stealing that 59-year-old leprechaun's gold. Crying shame.

And Ian Poulter should be ashamed of himself for that performance. From a solo 2nd last year to dead effing last this year. And he was even playing well going into this tournament. I have no clue what happened, but I'll never trust that dandy again.

- Speaking of advertising, Kmart's advert for lay-a-way is for a blow up shark. I mean, I like blow up sharks as much as the next guy, but are we really doing lay-a-way for them? I thought that was for poor people who can't afford a love seat, not average suburban white couple who need lawn water toys. I might have to look into this.

- In what has become a Twins' tradition, your favorite team needed help at a position and went out and signed the oldest, cheapest option available; this time giving a minor league contract to 39-year old second basemen Mark Grudzielanek.

I actually think is a pretty good idea. Minor league contract means no risk - probably the biggest reason they made the signing, but even last year Grudzy put up some decent numbers (.299/.345/.399) - not much for slugging the ball, but it's basically what Luis Castillo gave them that one year he was here all season (.296/.358/.370). And it wasn't a fluky season either - Grudzielanek has hit no worse than .294 in his last six seasons, and hasn't hit lower than .271 since his rookie year way back in 1995. No major risk here, especially when the Tolbert/Casilla/Punto trio is doing nothing but making outs at a prodigious rate. If he can still hit anywhere near his career average and isn't a total stiff in the field (major questions due to a late ankle injury last year that has had him sitting out almost a full calendar year), he's a major upgrade. Of course, since this is a Twins' signing, I'm going to fully assume that they essentially signed Steve Lombardozzi (the current, 48-year-old version).

- Since we're chatting about Twins' busts, how about a little Jesse Crain update (who I have pretty much completely forgotten about)? He's thrown twelve games down in Rochester so far, compiling 17 2/3 innings and a 2.55 ERA and 1.19 WHIP. Toss in a 22-8 K/BB ratio, and I'd say thus far the experiment with Mr. Seashell Necklace has been a success. Expect to see him up again soon, especially with the Twins' bullpen in full on implosion mode. I'm sure with the bullpen blowing leads and giving up monster home runs, Crainsy is feeling pretty left out.

- I'm trying to muster up the energy to give a crap about the most recent T-Wolves trade, but it's hard. I dig on how Kahn has come to town with a "Let's start this garbage over" mentality, because that was definitely what was needed. Madsen is little more than a crowd favorite, which means a white jackass who hustles and has no talent. He will be missed by drunken idiots with more money than sense only. Telfair and Craig "the Manatee" Smith, were able to put up ok numbers on a crappy team, but I'm pretty sure that was their upside. Telfair will be little more than a career backup, and Smith will eat himself out of the league as soon as he signs his first non-rookie contract (book it).

So by not losing anything, the Wolves automatically win this trade. Getting Q Richardson back isn't going to really add much to the team in terms of win, but it at least gives them a big-time shooter to replace Mike Miller. Plus, with $9+ million in salary coming off the books next off-season he adds a little bit of flexibility to any off-sesaon plans that little munchkin has cooking in his little brain.

Not a monster improvement, but a very good little trade. Although I will miss watching the Manatee cross mid-court on less than half his team's possessions.

- The Onion is almost always a guaranteed laugh, but this might be my favorite of all-time, "Derek Jeter makes easy play look easy."

- Another funny link: Ed O'Bannon is suing the NCAA for use of his image. I'm not even 100% sure what this means, but it makes total sense that O'Bannon would need money. The best thing he could do is shoot some sort of anti-early entry warning video. I know he didn't leave school early, but he's a great warning for guys who are great in college that they might not quite pan out as pros. Him, Shawn Respert, Adam Morrison, Randolph Childress, Pervis Ellison, Marcus Fizer, and George Lucas can get together and teach a class on dissapointing people.

- Lastly, you should know that Wonderbaby^TM is already the most advanced in her gymnastics class and might have to be moved up to the more advanced class. That's right, guess who is the only one in her class who can hang from a bar? Yep. Her teacher/coach/volunteer/weirdo loner cat-lady person already said, "She's really advanced. A real natural athlete." Hopefully this will translate to non-gay sports like basketball and softball baseball, but if she ends up in the Olympics, so be it. She'll be the Michael Phelps of gymnastics, but without the weed and overall douchiness.

I'll leave you with a picture of her showing off her skills:

Tuesday's Rage

I feel compelled to write tonight as an outlet for my rage - rage against stupidity and failure to not be an idiot. I left work late tonight, and was already in a pretty good lather due to co-worker incompetence and some stupid ass parade that went on for five hours down town and forced me to listen to marching band music the entire time while in my giant office with a giant window because I'm so awesome. Marching bands infuriate me, so I wasn't in a good mood heading home and wasn't helped by the massive herds of massive hippos waddling into the metrodome to watch the Twins suck and refusing to get out of the crosswalk or even stop to consider anything regarding the laws as they pertain to pedestrians.

Anyway, I was already in a bad mood, and then I hear Gordo ask Danny-boy Gladden, "The Twins were swept four straight games by the Yankees earlier in the year, do you think they are looking for a little payback here?" Naturally, since I'm not an idiot and I pay attention to the home town club, I knew that at the very least Joe Nathan had said, "We need some revenge", which I had read not only in the linked article but had also heard straight out of Nathan's mouth on the radio. You'd think the radio announcer or color man or resident white trash retard or whatever you want to call him would pay a little attention, but instead we get, "I guarantee you there isn't a single player in that clubhouse who is thinking about revenge." I shit you not. He guaranteed it. A statement that is completely and 100% falsifiable with just a modicum of research, and it's guaranteed. I have no idea why that hack has a job announcing baseball games. If I hear something insightful out of him it will be the first time.

Then, just to add insult to injury, here comes a radio interview with Twins' resident media whore Mike Cuddyer. The question? "The Twins have been playing much better recently than they were the last time these two teams met, what has changed?" The answer from Cuddy Bear? "Nothing's changed. We are just playing better now and not making the mistakes we were making earlier this season." lka;jdf;lsa hgoigh. THOSE. ARE. CHANGES. The definition of changes. You just said nothing has changed and then told us two things that had changed in the SAME SENTENCE. Doesn't this crap bother anybody else? Is it that I'm mad, or is it the rest of the world that is stupid? Isn't that like saying "I'm not gay, I just like giving dudes oral and taking it from behind?" Seriously?

Finally, just to make sure my head explodes, Coom-doggie gives us this on the TV box, "Sabathia is one of those pitchers who if you don't get to him by the fifth, he's pretty much unhittable." Guess what his two worst innings are? Yep, the fifth and sixth. Of course. What else would it be? Now, granted, his point isn't terrible, because Sabathia over his career is pretty much unhittable once he gets to the 7th, 8th, and 9th, but after everything else I had to deal with today, it's the last straw. I've decided to deal with my rage/depression by drinking heavily and blogging about less offensive sports.

- First up, a little bit of a scouting report from an informer who was at the Howard Pulley games last night, in the form of two text messages:

TEXT 1: “U r gonna love this cobbs kid!!! Royce and Rodney combo. Wow”

TEXT 2: “Nvmd. Wrong kid. Cobbs not here. But the kid I thought was him is a freak lol.”

So there you go. We here at Down with Goldy are always striving to bring you the most accurate and up to date information. Glad to help.

- Secondly, I want to recognize with some propers our very own Rockies guy, who called out a Loooooooooooooooong time ago (back in April somewhere, I can't find it) that Jason Marquis was the man. A couple of nights ago Marquis became the majors first eleven game winner, so I'm inclined to agree with Senior Rockies. And since I'm not a retard who judges pitchers solely on wins, I should add he also has a good not great ERA of 3.61 and a WHIP of 1.29. Those are decent numbers on any squad, but for a dude who pitches approximately half his game in Coors he's having a very good season.

Rockies guy also said that Clint Hurdle was the worst manager in the majors next to Gardy, and after canning Hurdle's ass the Rockies have been on fire, bringing their sorry asses back over .500 after starting the season 18-28. Todd Helton is having another solid season (sorry Rockies guy, I know you hate him but it's true), Brad Hawpe is suddenly one of the better hitters in the NL, and Jason Hammel is looking like a future star since being plugged into the starting rotation. The Division is probably too much to ask for being nine back already, but they're just two games out of the Wild Card. I'd expect to see them make the playoffs so Helton can suck again and break everyone's heart one more time.

- Oh hey, speaking of retards who think wins are the best way to measure a pitcher's ability, check out his quote from Joe Morgan's chat today on ESPN, "The name of the game, people always want to forget, for pitchers is wins and losses. If you beat a team 1-0, as he did recently, or 5-4, it doesn't matter. If you win, that goes on the team's side of the victory column. I'm not so much for a guy that has a low ERA and a losing record. That tells me that the other pitcher pitched better than he did, because that team scored more runs." On a single game basis? Yes. For a season? This is what sucks about Firejoemorgan.com going out of business. I really don't have the energy to tear this one apart too much, but here's a simple quiz.

Which pitcher would you rather have on your team in 1992?
A. Jim Abbott, 7-15 with a 2.77 ERA
B. Jack Morris, 21-6 with a 4.04 ERA

If you chose Morris, please chainsaw your own face off (yes, that means you Dawger).

- On a non-sports note, Mrs. W and I recently started renting the HBO Series True Blood, and I have to say it is awesome. It's set in Louisiana, in a world where Vampires have revealed themselves to the general public, and just want to live amongst humans in peace (well, some of them, at least - there are still evil ones). It is masterfully written and very well acted, and to say I'm smitten with female lead Anna Paquin is a major understatement. I recommend this highly. Very highly. And here's a picture of the lovely Ms. Paquin, if you need extra incentive (plus it's on HBO, so it's boobs all over the place:


- A new list of all-time disappointments now needs to start with Rangers' 1B Chris Davis. I mean, sure, it's early and he's only 23 so it's probably too early to judge, but I'm going to anyway.

After a rookie season last year that saw him knock seventeen dingers in just 295 ABs (and a respectable .285/.331/.549) and saw him become THE NEXT BIG THING. Unfortunately, he kept the power this year but lost everything else (15 homers but .202/.256/.415) and a lead leading 114 Ks (in 258 ABs). He was sent down to AAA this week to "get things together." When a guy has a strikeout of an unheard of 44% and doesn't walk very much, he's pretty much screwed. When he can't hit the ball, it's even worse.

Davis's contact rate (% of balls swung at and made contact with) was all of 58%. To give you an idea of how awful that truly is, here is a distribution of all major league players' contact rates, with Davis included:

I'm not going to sit here and explain just how bad that is. If you don't get it, I'd rather you don't even read this blog to be honest with you. Simply put, he's three standard deviations away from the mean, which means 0.1% of all players in history have put up this kind of contact rate. I feel pretty good just giving up on him. Plus, bonus, he was on my fantasy team this year. Go me.

- Speaking of prospects flaming out, the Twins signed some dude from Germany who is apparently a pretty big deal. I've never heard of him and know nothing about him, but with a name like Max Kepler he sounds like a pretty solid Nazi. Super Sioux Fan and the rest of South Dakota or North Dakota or wherever she's from should be pretty stoked.

- The last thing I want to mention is a quick little update on Wonderbaby^TM, as I know I have been lacking in that lately and I'm sure you are dying to know what's up. Well, Wonderbaby^TM has joined her first organized activity, a tumbling class at which she excels and is already a supremely gifted athlete. You can fully expect her to not only be the first female major league pitcher, but also the first pitcher to play a position on her off days. I will leave you with a picture of the most beautiful child of all time doing her gymnastastics:


Ok not the last thing. You should also look at this awesome fish I caught this weekend. I'm awesome at everything. You should try it sometime. Life is much easier for me than you.

And that's the second biggest fish I've caught this year. Recognize.

Sorry Folks.

I know I haven't written in a while, and that will probably be the status for the rest of the week as I'm swamped at work, but I have been running around like a crazy person.

Last Thursday I brought Wonderbaby^TM to her first ever Twins game, and since I know you're curious, you'll be happy to know she loved it. She clapped when everyone else clapped, danced when the played loud music, and laughed and yelled when everyone was cheering. It was awesome. Smartest 14 month old ever. Need more proof? Whenever Snacks gets near her she bawls like Adam Morrison and desperately tries to get away. See, told you.

Then this past weekend was Grandma's marathon and we headed up there so Mrs. W could run the half (no, not me, are you crazy?). I'm very proud to say that despite the intense heat, a record amount of people dropping out needing medical attention, and a mild case of heat stroke, Mrs. W crossed the finish line and received her medal. I couldn't be more proud. The rest of the weekend was a good ole time, with the Optimators, Klingers, Dr. Aculas, and The Todd showing they still know how to have a good time (although The Todd did lose a refried bean eating contest to a girl). I also just want to say RIP Titus. And that's that.

Then was father's day activities on Sunday and softball last night (we won both games and I was awesome), so I've been a bit busy. This work week is a nightmare as well, so I won't be around much, but I I feel the need to drop a comment or two on the US Open.

I actually thought it was pretty boring. And not because Tiger effed up in round 1 and could never really get back into contention, I consider that a positive. Just because, once again, it seemed like nobody rose to the occasion to win. Glove won with a final round +3, and the other guy in the final group, Ricky Barnes, completely wet himself with a +6. Nobody behind them was able to make a run to the win, with nobody in the final top five shooting below par. I just don't like golf when nobody separates himself from the pack with an excellent Sunday (or Monday in this case).

There were only two real "moments" I can remember that fit the category. The first was Glover's huge birdie at 16 where he stuck his approach about five feet away, timed with a bogey from both Duval and Mickelson it jumped Glover from a tie at the top to a 2-stroke lead, which ended up being the final margin. The other was Mickelson's incredible Eagle on 13, when he hit his second shot on the par five to about four feet. Just an amazing shot, and after the putt he was suddenly tied for the lead at -4 and had all the momentum and looked like this was his to lose, exactly the kind of golf that is fun to watch.

As usual with Phil, however, when the U.S. Open is his to lose he couldn't get out of his own way, including two short missed par putts, one from about three feet and one from about six. This loss is certainly easier to take for Phil, as he has the family issues excuse conveniently at hand - I'm not saying it didn't play a part or that it isn't serious, just that if it wasn't there we would be hearing a lot more talk about Phil dropping an Open that looked to be his. That's five runner-up finishes without a win now. Like the guy who can't quite close the deal with the drunken strumpet at the bar night after night, it's got to be frustrating.

As for Glover, he has always been a pretty much middle-of-the-road golfer, and had never even made the cut at the Open so this is doubly huge for him. One thing I didn't know is that Glover is actually only 29 despite looking closer to forty. He's still a young golfer, so this could be the springboard that vaults him into a higher tier. I doubt it, but it's possible.

Lastly, and nobody seems to realize this, but Hunter Mahan is absolutely a US Open stud. Even though he isn't having a very good year, he still managed to tie for sixth and might have been higher if his absolutely perfect approach on 16 hadn't hit the flag pole which was apparently made of trampoline. That gives him three top-18s in three Open trips (we won't count 2003). Mark my words, Hunter will win this tournament in the next few years.

- NBA Draft on Thursday, and I heard on the radio that the Wolves new GM (David Kahn?) is the busiest GM in the league right now. Awesome. Other than Jefferson and Brewer (since they are coming off of injuries and you won't get fair value) should be in play to be traded. I hope they don't trade Love, and if they do it better be for more than him + #6 for #2, but if the right offer is there I'd be ok with it. With all those picks and expendable parts, it could be a fun night. Will there be a live blog? Strong maybe.

- One last thing before I return to being a slave for the man: Dolphin Stadium is being renamed Land Shark Stadium thanks to Jimmy Buffett. So awesome, and not because of that crappy beer. As you know if you read here often, I love sharks, so having the name Shark in a stadium is a victory for everyone. Plus, the Dolphins play there, and they are a shark's natural enemy. Expect a lot of dissention and unrest amongst that team this season.

Thursday Things (McLouth, Ostertag, Babies, Elaine Benes, Kobe, Idiots)

Just finished up a nice meal on the grill (steaks, corn-on-the-cob, baked beans), Wonderbaby^TM is in bed, and I'm kicking back with a couple of Red Stripes, ready to watch the NBA Finals (for as long as Mrs. W will let me get away with it) and toss up a few observations and what not.

- My all-star ballot:

AMERICAN
C Joe Mauer
1b Justin Morneau
2b Ian Kinsler
3b Evan Longoria
ss Jason Bartlett (this one stings a bit)
of Adam Jones
of Nelson Cruz
of Carl Crawford

NATIONAL
c Brian McCann
1b Albert Pujols
2b Chase Utley
3b Ryan Zimmerman
ss Miguel Tejada
of Raul Ibanez
of Justin Upton
of Carlos Beltran

And I don't have a single one of these guys on either of my fantasy teams. Yippee. God I suck.

- Since we're talking about baseball here, let's talk about this Nate McLouth trade and how little of it I really understand. In case you missed it, the perpetually financially strapped and non-competitive Pittsburgh Pirates traded their best player, third-year outfielder Nate McLouth, to the Braves for three prospects. Normally you'd just say this is a case of the have-nots trading to the haves and trying to reload. But this is gets curiouser and curiouser the more you look at it.

First off, McLouth is not an old all-star on his last legs. He's just 27, and is in just his third season. Last year he hit .276/.356/.497 (an OPS+ of 126, equivalent to Kubel so far this year) with 26 homers, 23 steals, and a league leading 46 doubles. He's putting up very similar numbers again this year, so he doesn't look like a one-year wonder.

Even more, he's not that expensive. McLouth is on the hook for the next 3 years at just $13 million after signing an extension with the Pirates in February. Basically the Pirates agreed to pay him that money in February, and then after he played exactly as expected, they traded him away just 3.5 months later. And he's only scheduled to make $2 million this year (then $4.5 and $6.5) so it's not like there was a lot of urgency to get that money off the books. Why now? Why not wait until the trade deadline when team's are ready to pay higher premiums for players? Or next year? It makes zero sense.

Lastly, the package the Pirates got back was subpar, and described by the Pirates GM himself as "Three players who could become above average players someday." Not exactly glowing praise. They got back outfielder Gorkys Hernandez and pitchers Charlie Morton and Jeff Locke. Hernandez is the "jewel" here the same way Bernard Berrian is the "jewel" of the Vikings' wideouts - more "meh" than anything else. He's a no power, speedy, excellent defender with zero batting eye (sounds familiar) who was ranked the #8 prospect in the Braves system, with Locke coming in at #10 and Morton unranked in the top 40, and in his fifteen starts with the Braves last year he put up numbers nearly identical to Liriano so far this season, but without the strikeouts and might very well be a classic AAAA player.

Essentially, the Pirates traded a young, talented, cheap player for a handful of mediocre two years before he would be a financial issue. Seriously, it looks like the Pirates could have the budget of the Yankees and still suck. Not even Bill Smith is this shitty.

- You know who isn't shitty? My guys Denard Span and Jason Kubel combined for three home runs and seven rbi today to help kick the crap out of Cleveland 11-3. Seriously, those two are the best players on the team by far. Canucks and Roid-heads are ineligible.

- You know what I love about Mrs. W? Every time we watch basketball together when she sees a big dumb white guy she always asks, "Oh, is that their Ostertag?" She knows almost nothing about basketball, but always remembers that. I laugh every time. (This time it was Gasol. I don't think he qualifies. Dumb enough and ugly enough, but slightly too skilled).

- Ha Ha! Kobe missed. Jackass.

- Twice!

- Jameer Nelson is back. There's a guy I never thought would become much of an NBA player, but once again my eye for talent is surpassed only by Bogart, he of the Troy Williamson worship. Downside to Nelson back is we'll get less Skip 2 My Lou.

- Speaking of Bogart, I just poured myself a Cranberry & Vodka (with Lime) in honor of Wonderbaby's future husband's birth. That's right, little Baby Bogart arrived yesterday in Chicago, weighing in at 8 lbs. and 6 oz, ready to start his journey towards eventually becoming my (rich) son-in-law. Since Wonder Woman once had a little thing with Superman, I have decided that Baby Bogart will henceforth also be known as, Superbaby^TM.

- Uh oh, looks like Lamar Odom decided to actually try tonight. Magic in trouble (even though they're winning).

- Ok, so there's a trailer for a romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. Normally romantic comedies are the suck, and Sandra Bullock is really annoying, but Ryan Reynolds is the freakin' man and makes anything good - including that other romantic comedy he was in with that chick from Wedding Crashers. So do I let Mama W drag me to it or not? Decisions, decisions.

- FYI - last night at 2am my Tivo recorded a movie called "Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy." I don't know when I'll get to it, but I'll get to it.

- Tobey McGuire is there!! Sweet!!! And he's sitting with Kevin Connolly!!! The star power is amazing!!! (NOTE: I have no idea who Kevin Connolly is)

- Hedo Turkoglu was the 16th overall pick the year he came out? I guess that's about right. Actually, now that I look it up, he was a top 10 player from that draft, along with Kenyon Martin, Jamaal Magloire, Michael Redd, Jamal Crawford, Mike Miller, Quentin Richardson, Joel Pryzbilla, Eduardo Najera, and Eddie House. Top ten picks Stromile Swift, Marcus Fizer, Darius Miles, and DerMarr Johnson sure worked out well.

- Did you know Kobe Bryant likes to have buttsecks with Pau Gasol? I'm not kidding. I've seen it.

- I've been watching a lot of "The New Adventures of Old Christine" lately. I think I'm falling in love with Elaine Benes (no relation to Andy. or Alan) all over again.


- NOTE: Courtney Lee, as much as I liked him at Western Kentucky, cannot guard Kobe Bryant, aka The Rapist^tm. By the way, I'd bet anything Bogart is a huge Kobe fan. Jesus, I really hope SuperBaby^TM doesn't get Bogart's eye for talent. I don't think WonderBaby^TM could handle that. I know I couldn't. If you take idiocy to a second generation, it's like idiocy².

- 18 point Laker lead. This shit got lame faster than Jumper. Dwight Howard is the Al Nolen of centers, and they have no chance at stopping Kobe. This finals is going to suck, and my least favorite player ever is going to win another ring, except this one without Shaq which will cause morons like the Sports Guy to say things like, "Kobe is now the third best shooting guard in the history of the NBA." God that guy sucks now. Sports Guy, I mean, not Kobe. Kobe is like the third best guard in NBA history.

- Remember Matt Wieters? The next Joe Mauer, but with power (so like Mauer now that he is on roids)? He's really made a big splash since being called up on May 29th. A stellar 7-21 with five strikeouts and one walk. I know, small sample size and actually his overall stat profile is fine, but I like to make snap judgements. It's easier. That's probably why most people think I'm racist and sexist, but I just think it saves time. And I'm usually right. If not, oh well, I'm sure the jury will acquit.

- Randy Johnson got his 300th win today, which has set off an obnoxious spurt of morons with columns like, "Last 300-game winner ever" and "The End of the 300-win club?" Relax, idiots. There will always be 300 game winners. You realize there are only 24 people who have won 300 games? And four have them have done it in years that end begin with the number 2. That's one-sixth. That's a disproportionate amount based on how long baseball has existed. So settle down, idiots.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WONDERBABY!

I can't believe she's already one year old!


(also: suck it, Kubel haters)