Blah blah balh let's just get to the 10 things I liked and mostly didn't like.
1. First off, as most triple overtimes games are this one was heart breaking. The bad part is it wasn't heart breaking in a "they battled their asses off just couldn't get the win" way or a "man they really did everything they could it just wasn't enough" way. It was heart breaking in a "Purdue did everything they could to not win and they're really terrible and the Gophers are just more terrible" way. The worst part is that at no time from the last five minutes through the three overtimes did I expect the Gophers to win. We've been conditioned to expect terrible Februaries, and it's looking like the team has been as well. I hoped that would all change with the new coach, and hopefully it still will. Just maybe not this year.
2. Rebounding. God damn rebounding. It's going to be
everyone's point about this game and you know how the public is
generally wrong about everything? Well they're right this time and god
dammit. Purdue grabbed 23 offensive rebounds, which means they got the
ball back on 46% of their missed shots - that's a ridiculous number.
Lest you think we can just pin this on the big men, Ronnie and Terone
Johnson combined for 8 offensive boards on their own, which tells me the
guards for the Gophers aren't doing any work when the ball goes up. We
know the Gophers have rebounding issues, and we know Purdue is a great
offensive rebounding team (moved from #2 in the Big 10 to #1 after last
night) but god that was just disgusting to watch.
3. The zone defense was just swiss cheese. Nothing but holes, baby. The hope was to pack in the zone and let Purdue throw up brick after brick from the outside, but they played smart last night. The Gopher zone was a little more extended than I would have liked, and it left the middle wide open time after time after time. After some initial struggles, probably because they were confused that they kept getting the ball with nobody on them in a strong position, Sterling Carter and Terone Johnson played the zone like a fiddle, scoring when it was available and finding and open teammate when it wasn't. It was basically a clinic on how to score against a zone when you're terrible.
4. Of course the switch to man didn't go much better. Then it just became Ronnie Johnson penetrating off a screen and finding an open teammate, or if not him then Carter. The Gopher interior defense kept having to help, and the secondary help was never there in time. Make no mistake, this game was there for the taking. Purdue refused to make free throws and turned the ball over 15 times, just begging the Gophers to win and put them out of their misery. When you can't play zone, and you can't play man, well, I don't really think there's a third thing.
5. I'm starting to run out of good things to say about Mo Walker. On the offensive end, at least. When he was big and fat he showed flashes of good footwork and passing ability, and now that he's in better shape he's putting those skills to good use and showing a lot of confidence. His post up game has changed from just trying to bull people over to actually using moves and some quickness. At least twice he took it at Hammons and actually used his footwork to get a good shot instead of throwing it directly into his arms like he would have done in the past. He's making free throws and even hit a nice 17 foot jumper Purdue dared him to take. He's coming into his own, and it's fantastic to watch.
6. I'm starting to worry about Dre Mathieu just a little bit. Look, I love the Honey Gopher and I love how he plays. I said earlier this season that I like my point guard to be just a little bit out of control, and that's how Mathieu played for much of this season, but I'm now worrying he's crossed over and gone too far out of control. After playing a great game against Wisconsin he's now had three subpar games in a row, averaging 4 assists and over 6 turnovers per. In the team's first 15 games he had more TOs than assists just once, since then they've played 8 games and he's done it four times. I will grant the level of competition has increased, but he doesn't seemed to have adjusted.
7. I said it would be important for one of the "power forwards" to step up offensively and Joey King did.
Fourteen points and nine rebounds is a really nice line from him, and
he actually scored in a post a few times without looking like a baby
deer trying to walk. It's rather stunning to see he played 47 minutes
last night to just 8 for Oto. I think it's clear Pitino really prefers
King to Oto, and if he's played well he's going to see the bulk of the
minutes. Maybe this was King's breakout game. Of course his defense
was still terrible and he constantly got lost on picks. The next time I
see King successfully navigate multiple picks and end up in good
defensive position on his man will be the first time.
8. I have no idea why they didn't call a timeout at the end of the second overtime (I think).
It was their first chance to really win the game, and I get not calling
a TO right away and trusting your players but it wasn't working.
Mathieu was trying to work a pick and roll with Mo Walker and he just
couldn't get the penetration and kept having to reset. At that point
you need to call a timeout and run a designed play, because I know the
Gophers this year have plenty of them designed to get a shot. Instead
they got nothing but a Dre Hollins contested fade away from 17 feet. I
even double and triple checked and yep, they still had a timeout
available. Zero idea why Pitino didn't call one there when it was clear
that "letting them play" wasn't going anywhere.
9. Shon Morris is absolutely terrible. Most announcers aren't very good but are pretty easy to tune out, but Morris somehow blasts through your ear hole and into your brain like some sort of miniature super villain. He seems to feel the need to make some sort of analysis on every single play, and most of the time he's either making shit up or just flat wrong. If Dre Hollins throws the pass over Austin Hollins' head and out of bounds, I don't need some in depth analysis about why he threw a shitty pass unless there's actually a reason. Sometimes it's just a shitty pass. He's just horrible. Of course, he gets stuck doing games like Minnesota vs. Purdue, so maybe the Gophers should just be more better.
10. Indiana is now a must win game. The Gophers are now 4-6 in conference, and in order to feel safe and make their Big Ten Tournament results mostly irrelevant they'll need to get to 9-9, which means closing out at 5-3. With only four games they "should" win left (home vs. Indiana, Illinois, and Penn State and @Northwestern which I'm still counting as a "should win") that means they've really put themselves in a terrible place. If they can win those four they still need to steal one out of the @Wisconsin, @Ohio State, @Michigan, and home vs. Iowa group. Yes, that's doable, but if they drop any of the "should win" games they'll have to get two of those others, and I don't see that happening. I was starting to think this would be the year I'd finally get to see the Gophers in the "lock" category in a bubble watch column. Not looking that way, once again.
I might put up a preview of the Indiana game but if not in a nutshell I have no idea how they're going to keep Yogi Ferrell out of the lane and I'm pretty sure Indiana has a good chance to score 100.
Showing posts with label Things that Suck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Things that Suck. Show all posts
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Friday, December 13, 2013
Two-Headed Horribleness: A DWG movie blog
Coming at you live from my couch, and it's time to use this fancy netflix thing I have now to watch something completely terrible, hopefully with people dying, and write words about it. Today I have chosen 2-Headed Shark Attack for your enjoyment, as you probably surmised from the picture right above here. I went with this movie for four reasons:
1. It's on Netflix
2. It sounds really stupid
3. Carmen Electra
Yes, Carmen Electra, one of my first loves, is in this, along with Brooke Hogan who is famous for being a daughter and Charlie O'Connell who is famous for being a brother and has also been in at least one Live Movie Blog on here before. So let's kick back with a drink (going with Bell's Christmas Ale to start, but I'm guessing my good buddy Vodka might make an appearance by the halfway point of this garbage) and enjoy some terrible acting, horrible science, and big breasts. I'll set the mood:
- Two chicks water skiing at the same time, there's almost now way the 2-headed shark doesn't eat them simultaneously, right?
- Right.
- I like this because there's these three douchebag guys who were driving the boat and the sharked rammed it and we're supposed to think they're in deep water but while they're "treading" water I can actually see the ocean floor.
- Carmen. Electra. My god. Still just stunning. I can't even think right now.
- Ok so here's some boat that appears to be some kind of school on a boat deal and Charlie O'Connell's the teacher, so that's the second biggest stretch of the movie so far. The biggest is Brooke Hogan playing the "hot chick." So far every character is a perfect stereotype - we have nerdy guy, nerdy chick, hot chick, mean jock, pothead guy, and bitchy chick. I don't like any of them.
- Apparently this movie needed two writers, one for the story and one for the screenplay. I feel like this is somehow the most absurd thing about this movie, and there's a two-headed shark involved.
- Oh god more Carmen. Is it hot in here? It feels really hot in here.
- The black girl talks really black. You know what I mean. Super good writing so far. The characters really come to life.
- The school boat just ran over a dead megamouth shark, and nerdy guy rips off about 10 facts about the megamouth and you're not going to believe this, but they're all dead on balls accurate. So some completely retarded movie about a 2-headed shark is the first syfy movie ever to actually research and put something factually accurate in the movie. I did not see that coming.
- So here's what happened: the megamouth ended up going through the school ship's propellers injured the boat and made it start taking on water, while at the same time the massive amount of blood in the water attracted the totally realistic looking 2-headed shark to the boat. So the school boat will have to land at this super small island that's probably going to be deserted or something while some blonde chick repairs the hull. Not a euphemism.
- So since I switched jobs about a year and a half ago you may have noticed a lack of updates regarding fancy dinners, and that's because we never have fancy dinners at this job. But last week we did, and so you should know that we went with calamari, mozzarella stuffed meatballs, a couple of flatbreads, spicy shrimp, and brussels sprouts for appetizers, followed up by a caesar salad and then for my entree I had pesto sea bass with roasted asparagus with a thai chili beurre blanc. Pretty good. Toffee and Grand Marnier truffles for dessert. I much prefer my current job to any other I've had, but man do I miss those kind of dinners.
- The good news is there are about 20 "college students" on this island now and many of them are female and in bikinis. The bad news is that everyone in this thing is either a terrible overactor or just a plain terrible actor, and we need more Carmen Electra.
- Guess what's attracted to the sound/smell/sight of a welding torch underwater? Yep, a 2-headed shark which roars, of course. Sorry blonde girl, although I do like how the two heads fought over the meal and ended up tearing her in half. If the computer effects were done by something more powerful than an etch-a-sketch that would have been really cool. But hey, Carmen is not sunbathing in a tiny bikini. Previously she was dancing in the sun in a tank top. I enjoy how nobody is pretending she is anything she isn't in this movie. It's kind of beautiful.
- I feel bad for Brooke Hogan here and not just because of her dad. She's clearly supposed to be the main star here but she's completely overshadowed by Carmen and really everybody else. We know Brooke is supposed to be the star because she just told a story about almost getting attacked by a shark or something and how she hasn't been in the water since she was twelve. So she signed up for semester at sea to get over her fear of the water because that's something people in movies do that people in real life would never ever do.
- Uh oh, a guy and two girls snuck off and are about to go "swimming." This never ends well.
- Boobs? We have boobs? Whoa. Since this was originally on SyFy I wasn't ready for this but I guess the netflix and DVD versions are different, because there are lots of minutes of boobs. But here comes growly mcfunhater shark to blow things up, and right as we have two chicks making out. Also, they're in water that's only up to their waists (to better expose the boobs, of course) but the huge shark (with 2-heads) somehow managed to kill both the girls and do so in such a way that it bit their legs and they started coughing up blood. This is horrible.
- I think there was an earthquake or something. Not really sure but there was a loud noise and then everybody started yelling and pretending the ground was shaking. Chuck O'Connell fell on a dock and now he has some blood on his leg and can't walk or something. I suspect this is supposed to be a serious injury but it pretty much looked like he fell down and got a scrape. And there's another earthquake or whatever and bitchy girl started crying so Brooke Hogan slapped her. Everyone is mad at Brooke now but I think slapping a woman when she's crying or talking is something that should really start catching on.
- Ha Ha Carmen Electra is playing a doctor. Awesome. Also Mr. O'Connell hasn't stopped whining about his leg. Brooke Hogan needs to slap that bitch.
- Two more students we were never introduced got eaten, but this time people saw it so now they know there's a shark. A shark that kills indiscriminantly in as little as 3 feet of water besides being totally huge and also every time it attacks they show it coming up from deep water. And also roars.
- The students found some old fishing boats which apparently Brooke can fix and so now they have two working boats. To be eaten. Keep in mind these students have no idea anything is wrong other than their big school boat needs repairs, so there's no reason for them to steal these fishing boats other than to go joy riding, which is exactly what they're doing. Kids today, no respect.
- Omg the island is sinking because the shark keeps ramming the island. Go ahead and let that one sink in while I grab another beer.
- And now we have looped footage of Carmen Electra yelling "get out of the god damn water." Looped footage. I have watched an awful lot of crap but this is the worst of the bunch, and it has Carmen Electra so you know it must be extra bad.
- Oh man that guy just got his arm ripped right off. Just like Aaron Rodgers. By the way, fantasty football is totally gay and if you play it you're stupid too. I hate it and I'm quitting forever next year.
- So I guess this is just some shark born with two heads. And because it has two heads apparently boat motors really bug it because it has "hyper sensitive electromagnetic responders", which really goes along way towards why it keeps attacking swimmers.
- "We're in shallow water now, the shark can't get to us." OH BULLSHIT! Haven't you been watching this movie Brooke?
- This is so bad there isn't even much to say. The atoll is sinking because the shark is ramming it, teh big boat doesn't work, and they can't use the little boats because the 2-headed shark has twice the "electromagnetic resonance" as a normal shark. And yet it's all super boring.
- The plan is too create a super strong magnetic field to distract the shark using an electric generator and some metal polls. It took two writers to come up with this.
- So how about Jason Kubel coming back to the Twins? That's pretty cool. Not cool? I got ride of my Kubel shirt.
- The shark rammed charge generator and then ate a couple of characters we don't care about (while roaring). Now there is nothing to distract the shark from Brooke Hogan who is the one who is welding the ship back together even though she's scared of the water. This seems more like a scooby doo episode than a movie.
- I guess she fixed it because the mean jock guy is driving away now, which means he's leaving all the other students behind because they've already established he's a jerk who is only worried about himself. Also earlier they said it would take at least a day to fix the hull but that was clearly about 15 minutes. Shocking there would be continuity problems with a movie that also spent the majority of the time establishing that this mean guy was mean. And now dead because the shark killed the school boat. Because of all the electromagnitvity, you see.
- Now that the atoll (fancy word for island) is about to sink the new plan is to climb the trees. Seriously this is when SyFy clearly threw in the towel and just stopped trying altogether. I would rather spend the entire weekend in Iowa than watch this again. And I don't mean Ames which is pretty awesome or that Casino just over the border, I mean the bad parts of Iowa. Most of it. You know, the parts that literally smell like shit.
- Carmen and O'Connell just got hit by a tidal wave (no idea where that came from) and the shark at the same time but it's ok because they realized they were about to die and started making out. Lucky dude. Hope he grabbed a feel.
- Now alternating between shots of completely fake super tidal wavy water and the students screaming while in totally calm water. Par for the course. They locked themselves in a flooded shed but the shark is still knocking on the door like the big bad wolf and shit because that's how sharks totally act god this sucks I hope everybody involved went bankrupt.
- Roaring. Kill me.
- Somebody has a gun all of a sudden. I don't know. I need a drink.
- Since 99% of this is computer generated so many of the scenes are clearly the director (if there is one) telling the actors, "ok, the shark is coming after you now, run towards the camera screaming" and it totally shows.
- They're going to try to blow up a barrel of gas to kill the shark, because one of the students still alive somehow kept her beach bag with her through everything else including earthquakes and shark attacks (the 2-headed kind) and she happened to have a lighter.
- The shark what ated everybody just got successfully fought off by Brooke Hogan with a piece of driftwood. Then it bit the can of gasoline and blew up. But wait! Only one head blew up! What a twist!!
- The second head died when the shark bit the boat's engine, a behavior it hadn't exhibited throughout the entire movie. This movie gave me eye cancer.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Let's Talk Football
If you follow a little too closely on Twitter, you're aware that our football guy, TRE, has left DWG to pursue other opportunities. This means that we have no football guy. However, this being HATE WEEK with the HATED Iowa Hate-eyes coming to town means I really need to put something down about the game. I don't follow college football per se, but I do watch most Gopher games and plenty of other games because I'm an avid follower of College Football Spreads and a big fan of gambling. As such, I'm going to try to write something about Saturday's game. Please be gentle.
The hated jerks from Iowa come to TCF as about a one point favorite, which means this could be a hell of an entertaining game as long as the Gophers win. Those dudes are 3-1 which is great because the Gophers are 4-0 which means Minnesota is clearly the better team. Their loss was to Northern Illinois who I thought was supposed to be pretty good because they have that quarterback who I've heard of, but they almost lost to Eastern Illinois who I don't think is a FBS team which means Iowa must be really shitty. Plus I found some power rankings that had Iowa at #72 and Minnesota at #41, so, you know, CHAMPIONSHIP!
One other important thing when evaluating competition is to look at how the team has played, not just the results. Since I have not seen one minute of Iowa football against a non-Gopher team in the last, say, 5-6 years, I'm going to solely have to rely on stats, which seems pretty dumb but I have no other options plus as they say in math "Numbers Never Lie."
The first thing that pops out at me is that Iowa can play some defense, ranking 19th in the country in yards allowed per game. Of course they played Western Michigan and Missouri State as two of their opponents and those teams are terrible, but you know what they say about how those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw shoes. The worst part is they're mostly good at defending the running game (12th) and not as good at defending the pass (46th) but that doesn't matter since the Gophers don't throw the ball nor should they.
Offensively Iowa is pretty terrible which plays into the Gophers' hands because their defense completely sucks. They are god awful at throwing the football, and despite their QB (Jake Rudock) clearly being more of a runner guy than a thrower guy they still like to sling that pill like he was Mox. I'm guessing it's mostly little slants and screens though because I don't really think Kirk Ferentz (he's still the coach, right?) is an idiot, just a jackass. When they do throw it's probably going to Kevonte Martin-Manley (terrible name) who has 20 catches and nobody else has more than 7 thanks to "One Read" Rudock. Their tight end only has seven catches which is weird because Iowa really seems like a team who would use their tight end a lot.
Iowa main running jerk is Mark Weisman who if I remember correctly is white so he's probably not very fast. He averages 4.9 yards per carry which sounds kind of fancy but this is college and all the Gopher running guys are laughing at him, including both QBs. There other two running backs are Damon Bullock (too tall at 6-1) and Jordan Canzeri who is only 5-9 so he's probably really fast and brittle. They are terrible.
As for the Gophers they don't throw the ball unless they have to which is a pretty good strategy I think because I'm not certain they even have any wide receivers. Sticking to running it with David Cobb and Rodrick Williams, both perfectly proportioned to be running backs, and Mitch Leidner who I'm betting will grow up to be a lumberjack or an alligator wrestler or something seems like a solid plan of attack. Unfotunately, like I mentioned before up there, Iowa is pretty decent at stopping the run probably because they're all so fat and ugly. This means at some point Leidner is going to have to throw the ball in the air. Will this be successful? NO ONE CAN SAY! Leidner has never had to throw the ball as far as I recollect because he usually is too busy running people over and stomping on their heads.
Basically what's going to happen is Iowa's shitty offense is going to clash with the Gophers swiss cheese defense and Iowa will probably score about 21 points. Simple enough, right? The Gophers just have to score more, and to score more they'll need to hit on a few passing plays. The difference in the game will be if they can do it, and I'd guess they probably can since they have Mitch Mother Fucking Leidner.
No guarantees, so I'm only going to make one prediction: there are going to be a lot of people running into each other and falling down.
Also if you ask WonderbabyTM what Iowa is like she will answer "it smells like poop." From the mouths of babes. Also it really does smell like poop. And poor people.
The hated jerks from Iowa come to TCF as about a one point favorite, which means this could be a hell of an entertaining game as long as the Gophers win. Those dudes are 3-1 which is great because the Gophers are 4-0 which means Minnesota is clearly the better team. Their loss was to Northern Illinois who I thought was supposed to be pretty good because they have that quarterback who I've heard of, but they almost lost to Eastern Illinois who I don't think is a FBS team which means Iowa must be really shitty. Plus I found some power rankings that had Iowa at #72 and Minnesota at #41, so, you know, CHAMPIONSHIP!
One other important thing when evaluating competition is to look at how the team has played, not just the results. Since I have not seen one minute of Iowa football against a non-Gopher team in the last, say, 5-6 years, I'm going to solely have to rely on stats, which seems pretty dumb but I have no other options plus as they say in math "Numbers Never Lie."
The first thing that pops out at me is that Iowa can play some defense, ranking 19th in the country in yards allowed per game. Of course they played Western Michigan and Missouri State as two of their opponents and those teams are terrible, but you know what they say about how those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw shoes. The worst part is they're mostly good at defending the running game (12th) and not as good at defending the pass (46th) but that doesn't matter since the Gophers don't throw the ball nor should they.
Offensively Iowa is pretty terrible which plays into the Gophers' hands because their defense completely sucks. They are god awful at throwing the football, and despite their QB (Jake Rudock) clearly being more of a runner guy than a thrower guy they still like to sling that pill like he was Mox. I'm guessing it's mostly little slants and screens though because I don't really think Kirk Ferentz (he's still the coach, right?) is an idiot, just a jackass. When they do throw it's probably going to Kevonte Martin-Manley (terrible name) who has 20 catches and nobody else has more than 7 thanks to "One Read" Rudock. Their tight end only has seven catches which is weird because Iowa really seems like a team who would use their tight end a lot.
Iowa main running jerk is Mark Weisman who if I remember correctly is white so he's probably not very fast. He averages 4.9 yards per carry which sounds kind of fancy but this is college and all the Gopher running guys are laughing at him, including both QBs. There other two running backs are Damon Bullock (too tall at 6-1) and Jordan Canzeri who is only 5-9 so he's probably really fast and brittle. They are terrible.
As for the Gophers they don't throw the ball unless they have to which is a pretty good strategy I think because I'm not certain they even have any wide receivers. Sticking to running it with David Cobb and Rodrick Williams, both perfectly proportioned to be running backs, and Mitch Leidner who I'm betting will grow up to be a lumberjack or an alligator wrestler or something seems like a solid plan of attack. Unfotunately, like I mentioned before up there, Iowa is pretty decent at stopping the run probably because they're all so fat and ugly. This means at some point Leidner is going to have to throw the ball in the air. Will this be successful? NO ONE CAN SAY! Leidner has never had to throw the ball as far as I recollect because he usually is too busy running people over and stomping on their heads.
Basically what's going to happen is Iowa's shitty offense is going to clash with the Gophers swiss cheese defense and Iowa will probably score about 21 points. Simple enough, right? The Gophers just have to score more, and to score more they'll need to hit on a few passing plays. The difference in the game will be if they can do it, and I'd guess they probably can since they have Mitch Mother Fucking Leidner.
No guarantees, so I'm only going to make one prediction: there are going to be a lot of people running into each other and falling down.
Also if you ask WonderbabyTM what Iowa is like she will answer "it smells like poop." From the mouths of babes. Also it really does smell like poop. And poor people.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Gophers lose to Northwestern
After calming down from being ready to quit the blog business altogether and give up on Gopher basketball, I've decided I should probably write something - I'm just not sure what to write. I'll try to stay somewhat coherent, but I'll probably bounce around to a bunch of different points.
I can't write about the game much because I turned it off at about the 8 minute mark. It was painfully obvious the team had completely lost it's composure and any semblance of a game plan and that the coach had no idea how to get it back without his coach on the court already fouled out - somehow. For Tubby not to have somebody in for Austin Hollins when he picked up his fourth foul was inexcusable, but Hollins deserves plenty of blame, if not the majority of it, for going anywhere near the Northwestern dude on that lay-up - he has to know better. When the team started shooting jumpers that didn't even draw iron, started settling for contested 16-footers like a god damn Illinois team, committed a ton of completely unforced turnovers against a team that never turns their opponents over (12 second half TOs!!) and completely went away from getting the ball into the paint, it was obvious what was going to happen, and I wanted no part of it and watched Lake Placid: The Final Chapter instead. It was a good choice.
Whether it was an unwillingness, an inability, or the fault of the coach (or all three), failure to get the ball to Mbakwe in the paint in the second half is inexcusable. The Gophers dominated Northwestern inside with their strength and athleticism the entire first half, and if the Gophers hit a couple more open shots (the shooting was atrocious) and make more free throws (ditto) they go into the second half with a double digit lead and likely cruise to a win. They still ended up outrebounding the Wildcats 42-23 with nearly as many offensive boards (17) as Northwestern had total. When they switched to the 1-3-1 and the Gophers inexplicably had no clue what to do, passively passing it around the perimeter, it played right into Northwestern's hands because it eliminates the advantage the Gophers have in athleticism and in the paint. I would say this looked like a Monson team out there, but let's not pretend Tubby's squads have had any success against it either - the same 1-3-1, mind you, that Iowa completely shredded last week.
I really don't know where to go from here. Every season I'm the pessimistic fan. The realist fan. Gophers beat Louisville? Still not buying it. Gophers knock off Butler? I'm not there yet. But this year was different. I'm like Charlie Brown and Lucy's always been holding that football, but year after year after year I refuse to make a move. This year? I went tearing after that football and was going to kick it all the way to the Final Four, and that bitch Lucy just pulled it right out from under me last night. I'm not giving up - well, the Final Four thing yeah probably, but Sweet 16 could still be in play but it's now likely to take an upset to get there. This team could still finish in the 5-6 seed range and have a shot at a couple of wins, and if you had told me at the beginning of the year that's where this team would land I'd be ecstatic. But it's not the beginning of the year. The Battle for Atlantis, Michigan State game, Illinois game, and second half of Indiana had me all in, all the way. This is what you get for believing.
So we move on. The Gophers play at Wisconsin this weekend, and it is always great to beat those a-holes, especially in Madison, so certainly that's what I'll be cheering for. This is also a "must win" in the sense that the Gophers really need to show something. They've already taken away any reason to believe they're an elite team, now it's time to let us at least settle on them being a "pretty good" team, but you have to take care of business in Madison. This season has suddenly taken a dark turn, but there's still time to make sure it's not a complete disappointment.
I'm not even sure where to lay the blame, but mostly I think I blame myself.
Whether it was an unwillingness, an inability, or the fault of the coach (or all three), failure to get the ball to Mbakwe in the paint in the second half is inexcusable. The Gophers dominated Northwestern inside with their strength and athleticism the entire first half, and if the Gophers hit a couple more open shots (the shooting was atrocious) and make more free throws (ditto) they go into the second half with a double digit lead and likely cruise to a win. They still ended up outrebounding the Wildcats 42-23 with nearly as many offensive boards (17) as Northwestern had total. When they switched to the 1-3-1 and the Gophers inexplicably had no clue what to do, passively passing it around the perimeter, it played right into Northwestern's hands because it eliminates the advantage the Gophers have in athleticism and in the paint. I would say this looked like a Monson team out there, but let's not pretend Tubby's squads have had any success against it either - the same 1-3-1, mind you, that Iowa completely shredded last week.
I really don't know where to go from here. Every season I'm the pessimistic fan. The realist fan. Gophers beat Louisville? Still not buying it. Gophers knock off Butler? I'm not there yet. But this year was different. I'm like Charlie Brown and Lucy's always been holding that football, but year after year after year I refuse to make a move. This year? I went tearing after that football and was going to kick it all the way to the Final Four, and that bitch Lucy just pulled it right out from under me last night. I'm not giving up - well, the Final Four thing yeah probably, but Sweet 16 could still be in play but it's now likely to take an upset to get there. This team could still finish in the 5-6 seed range and have a shot at a couple of wins, and if you had told me at the beginning of the year that's where this team would land I'd be ecstatic. But it's not the beginning of the year. The Battle for Atlantis, Michigan State game, Illinois game, and second half of Indiana had me all in, all the way. This is what you get for believing.
So we move on. The Gophers play at Wisconsin this weekend, and it is always great to beat those a-holes, especially in Madison, so certainly that's what I'll be cheering for. This is also a "must win" in the sense that the Gophers really need to show something. They've already taken away any reason to believe they're an elite team, now it's time to let us at least settle on them being a "pretty good" team, but you have to take care of business in Madison. This season has suddenly taken a dark turn, but there's still time to make sure it's not a complete disappointment.
I'm not even sure where to lay the blame, but mostly I think I blame myself.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Some Hard Truths about the Gophers
The 12-1 start is nice and shiny and everything and you probably think the Gophers are good, but it's time to face the cold hard truth: the Gophers are not an NCAA Tournament caliber team. Not even close. Take a look at these arguments and tell me where I'm wrong. No, seriously: please tell me where I'm wrong, I'd absolutely love to be convinced that I don't know what I'm talking about. Hit up the game with $nake, Dawger, and Bear tonight (there, you guys happy with the mention) and I think we all left feeling like we'd been punched in the stomach so hard we were about to vomit. Here are my comments, please comment on my comments and convince me I don't know what I'm talking about:
1) They play terrible defense. Did you see that garbage tonight? NDSU attacked the rim again and again and again, and even their mediocre guards were getting edges on the Gophers, and with zero help defense on the interior for some reason they were able to get fouled or get lay-ups way too often for their talent level. What's going to happen when Brandon Paul and D.J. Richardson come flying down the wing? Throw in some of the worst three-point defense in the country (seriously, they were 292nd in the country in 3-point defense going into the game) and how many points do you think William Buford will score? 25? 30? Hell Matt "12 points every game" Gatens will probably hit for 20. They can probably hold down Penn State, but I'm pretty sure that's the whole list of teams they can stop
2) They have zero inside presence. With Mbakwe down the Gophers inside players are now reduced to a dude who makes Jeff Hagen look like a prima ballerina and a guy who is the softest dude I've seen since the black dude in those Revenge of the Nerds movie. One plays defense with the mobility of a tree and the other is more like a weeping willow, and they're getting brutalized by a bunch of weakass low major players. Jared Sullinger is going to make them cry. Hell I'm not so sure Luka Mirkovich isn't going to go for a double-double (just kidding - sort of). The team's only prayer is for Andre Ingram to get bitten by a radioactive spider that gives him super powers. Seriously, Ralph, you cannot be pushed around by non-recruited players who are 3 inches shorter than you. It's just pathetic. I'm pretty sure every rebound "Once bounce Ralph" got tonight hit the floor first. I'm just done. I've defending him for 3+ years and I'm done. He's averaging 4 god damn rebounds per game against this shitbox level of competition. FOUR! He's fucking seven-feet tall and playing shitty teams with shitty players and he gets four rebounds per game? You know who else can get four rebounds per game? Fucking anybody.
3) There is no reliable offensive option. None. Rodney is the leading scorer but most of his offense comes off fast breaks and put-backs which may or may not translate in Big 10 play, and outside of him who do you go to? There isn't a single perimeter player who you can count on to either make a shot or penetrate which is just sad. Sometimes Welch looks like he gets it and could develop into something, but then you remember he's already a junior and slower than the fat lady with the cart full of ham at Walmart. And the one guy who is supposed to be a shooter (Oto) is so hesitant to take his shot you'd think he's a walk-on. When Maverick Ahanmisi looks like your best guard things have gone wrong in a horribly shocking way. Look, I like Mav. I think he's the best pure point guard on the team and he's looking like the best shooter (god help us), but he's a back-up. He may become a very good back-up, but he's a back-up. When he carries the offense (like tonight) it's a massive cry for help. Unfortunately due to NCAA regulations it appears you can't just magically add someone in mid-season. Commies.
4) The talent level is mediocre. I'm sorry, but how many Gopher players would start for even half of the other Big 10 teams? Rodney Williams, right? Is there even another one? Maybe Ralph just based on his height, but his passivity and wienershipitude would have most Big 10 coaches sending him to the bench. Who would you rather have, Ralph or that fat dude from Michigan State (not Draymond Green, the other one)? Sampson is more talented but at least that Spartan dude will throw his J-Lo ass into somebody and get rough in there and mix it up when the need arises. The guards? Not a chance. The Hollins's's would probably start for Penn State and Nebraska, but I don't even think they'd get the nod over Cartwright and Gatens at Iowa. 50/50 probably. How sad is that?
5) There is no offensive scheme. What, exactly, does Tubby do? Clearly he coaches defense, and the team occasionally responds, but offensively they're just awful - and I'm talking outside of the players' talent level. How many times tonight were there four dudes standing around while somebody dribbled? And why (like, WHY????) did Rodney never ever ever get the ball posting up in the second half? Not once. Not one single solitary time (I'm pretty sure). He's their only semi-reliable option to score or get fouled and against a team like NDSU they should have made him the focus, but instead the offense consisted of hoping a guard could go one-and-one and get a shot. It worked just enough for them to win tonight, but against the real grown-up defenses in the conference the combination of a lack of offensive talent and a lack of offensive imagination or even a simple game plan is going to sink them in a hurry.
I will admit it's possible I'm overreacting to one of the worst played games I've ever seen and just being a spaz, but I'm having trouble seeing more than 7 Big 10 wins. So please, somebody tell what I'm wrong about. Please.
To cheer myself up, here is a picture of J-Woww in a bikini.
1) They play terrible defense. Did you see that garbage tonight? NDSU attacked the rim again and again and again, and even their mediocre guards were getting edges on the Gophers, and with zero help defense on the interior for some reason they were able to get fouled or get lay-ups way too often for their talent level. What's going to happen when Brandon Paul and D.J. Richardson come flying down the wing? Throw in some of the worst three-point defense in the country (seriously, they were 292nd in the country in 3-point defense going into the game) and how many points do you think William Buford will score? 25? 30? Hell Matt "12 points every game" Gatens will probably hit for 20. They can probably hold down Penn State, but I'm pretty sure that's the whole list of teams they can stop
2) They have zero inside presence. With Mbakwe down the Gophers inside players are now reduced to a dude who makes Jeff Hagen look like a prima ballerina and a guy who is the softest dude I've seen since the black dude in those Revenge of the Nerds movie. One plays defense with the mobility of a tree and the other is more like a weeping willow, and they're getting brutalized by a bunch of weakass low major players. Jared Sullinger is going to make them cry. Hell I'm not so sure Luka Mirkovich isn't going to go for a double-double (just kidding - sort of). The team's only prayer is for Andre Ingram to get bitten by a radioactive spider that gives him super powers. Seriously, Ralph, you cannot be pushed around by non-recruited players who are 3 inches shorter than you. It's just pathetic. I'm pretty sure every rebound "Once bounce Ralph" got tonight hit the floor first. I'm just done. I've defending him for 3+ years and I'm done. He's averaging 4 god damn rebounds per game against this shitbox level of competition. FOUR! He's fucking seven-feet tall and playing shitty teams with shitty players and he gets four rebounds per game? You know who else can get four rebounds per game? Fucking anybody.
3) There is no reliable offensive option. None. Rodney is the leading scorer but most of his offense comes off fast breaks and put-backs which may or may not translate in Big 10 play, and outside of him who do you go to? There isn't a single perimeter player who you can count on to either make a shot or penetrate which is just sad. Sometimes Welch looks like he gets it and could develop into something, but then you remember he's already a junior and slower than the fat lady with the cart full of ham at Walmart. And the one guy who is supposed to be a shooter (Oto) is so hesitant to take his shot you'd think he's a walk-on. When Maverick Ahanmisi looks like your best guard things have gone wrong in a horribly shocking way. Look, I like Mav. I think he's the best pure point guard on the team and he's looking like the best shooter (god help us), but he's a back-up. He may become a very good back-up, but he's a back-up. When he carries the offense (like tonight) it's a massive cry for help. Unfortunately due to NCAA regulations it appears you can't just magically add someone in mid-season. Commies.
4) The talent level is mediocre. I'm sorry, but how many Gopher players would start for even half of the other Big 10 teams? Rodney Williams, right? Is there even another one? Maybe Ralph just based on his height, but his passivity and wienershipitude would have most Big 10 coaches sending him to the bench. Who would you rather have, Ralph or that fat dude from Michigan State (not Draymond Green, the other one)? Sampson is more talented but at least that Spartan dude will throw his J-Lo ass into somebody and get rough in there and mix it up when the need arises. The guards? Not a chance. The Hollins's's would probably start for Penn State and Nebraska, but I don't even think they'd get the nod over Cartwright and Gatens at Iowa. 50/50 probably. How sad is that?
5) There is no offensive scheme. What, exactly, does Tubby do? Clearly he coaches defense, and the team occasionally responds, but offensively they're just awful - and I'm talking outside of the players' talent level. How many times tonight were there four dudes standing around while somebody dribbled? And why (like, WHY????) did Rodney never ever ever get the ball posting up in the second half? Not once. Not one single solitary time (I'm pretty sure). He's their only semi-reliable option to score or get fouled and against a team like NDSU they should have made him the focus, but instead the offense consisted of hoping a guard could go one-and-one and get a shot. It worked just enough for them to win tonight, but against the real grown-up defenses in the conference the combination of a lack of offensive talent and a lack of offensive imagination or even a simple game plan is going to sink them in a hurry.
I will admit it's possible I'm overreacting to one of the worst played games I've ever seen and just being a spaz, but I'm having trouble seeing more than 7 Big 10 wins. So please, somebody tell what I'm wrong about. Please.
To cheer myself up, here is a picture of J-Woww in a bikini.
Monday, November 28, 2011
There goes the Season
I don't exactly know the best way to articulate this so I'll just go with fucking hell. Trevor Mbakwe's MRI today revealed a tear of both the ACL and MCL, obviously ending his season and basically the Gophers' as well. I will preface this by saying this obviously sucks way worse for Trevor than it does for me, of that there is no question. That being said, FML. Mbakwe wasn't just the best player on the team, he was it's heart and soul, it's leader, and the only player capable of taking over a game - it's no coincidence nearly ever preview I've written for games this year has ended by referencing a way that he could single-handedly win the game. He's certainly the best player the Gophers have had in a long time, since Bobby Jackson I'd guess, and the best post player I can ever remember watching, besides maybe Willie Burton. His injury takes the season from "hey you never know, sweet 16, maybe" to "hopefully they can scrounge up an NIT bid." Yes, he's that good. This blows.
Not only does it suck because of Mbakwe's ability, but he was a big reason why this is one of the most likable teams I can remember. When is the last time you saw a player work so hard and improve their biggest weakness? Trevor adding a jump shot and completely revamping his free throw technique and going from a 60% to a 70-75% shooter is one of the more impressive offseason changes I've ever seen from a player who had already established themselves as "good." Voshon Lenard got worse. Sam Jacobson got worse. Michael Bauer got worse. The only thing I've seen even close to it was Eric Harris going from a terrible outside shooter to a dead-eye 3-point specialist. Just an awesome showing of dedication, and coming from a guy who had a difficult past (how much of that you want to blame on him is up to you), combined with his obvious effort and work ethic on the floor made him very easy to root for. This just sucks on every level.
How much is this going to affect the team? I think that's obvious. Kenpom.com doesn't have individual player stats up yet, so I can't tell you Mbakwe's rebounding rates, but I can tell you that with 27 offensive rebounds and 64 total rebounds on the year he's grabbed 28% of the team's O-boards and 25% of their total rebounds - and that's total total, not just when he's on the floor, numbers that would be significantly higher.
Minnesota's team strength this year has been their offensive efficiency, which ranks 32nd in the country. The main reason for that is the team has been extremely strong in 2P Field Goal percentage, offensive rebounding, and getting to and converting free throws. Oy. Defensively, the team's strengths thus far have been blocking shots and getting steals. So I guess that's the good news. Mbakwe out won't affect getting steals all that much - he's only fourth on the team.
It's going to take something major for this team to be able to even compete to be on the NCAA bubble without him, but there are some signs of hope. Maybe it's because I actually like this team that my usual pessimism seems to be lacking this season, but I can see some signs of hope. Starting with:
- Ralph Sampson shifts immediately from #2 guy to #1 in the post, something he needs to get comfortable with. This is the #1 thing that has to happen for the team to have any chance at any success. Ralph's role as second banana in the paint to Trevor, where he could roam the high post/perimeter, feed Mbakwe down low, post up from time to time and grab the leftover rebounds suited him well - both his skills and his demeanor. Now he has to become the #1 low post option, something he can either embrace as his last chance to make a mark in his unremarkable college career, or he can shrink from the responsibility and ensure this season goes nowhere. I fear the latter is more likely, but hold out hope for the former.
- The second biggest key to the year is whether or not Rodney can break out. And I know it seems like a silly question we've been asking for three years now and the answer has always been an emphatic no. His game against DePaul showed flashes of his potential, even if it was mostly just rebounding and putback dunks, but maybe that's what he needs to turn into and this is the biggest chance he's going to get because there are suddenly going to be a lot more rebounds and put back chances available. It's clear that he's not going to develop into a perimeter player without a minor miracle, but maybe this is what he's meant to be - an athletic, undersized four. If he can turn himself into a 10 & 8 guy this year - and I think he can - maybe he puts his offseason efforts into bulking up a bit and becomes a legit college 4. It could happen.
- The development of Andre Ingram. The Gophers really only have three options to play the post, and Elliason isn't nearly skilled enough to grab anything more than spot time, and although Osenieks has shown to be a pretty skilled player he doesn't have to size to bang in the Big 10, leaving Ingram as the guy who needs to step in for Mbakwe - as far as anybody can. I've liked what I've seen from him so far, and although mostly a raw athlete he does have some skill and I think he's going to end up being a quality Big 10 player at some point - whether or not that happens this season is key #3 for the Gophers to have some kind of success this year.
- Finally, and maybe most obviously, the guard play needs to get better, and all these other little flights of fancy might be a bunch of mute points unless this one happens. They all have skills with the ball that I like and little things that can develop further and I think each of Austin Hollins, Andre Hollins, and Julian Welch will end up being quality ball players, but that perimeter defense is just brutal. Their opponents shot 42% from three in the Old Spice Classic (and if you take out the brick factory that is DePaul it was 46%) and it was the same in each game - guard drives, either off a hand off or a pick, Gopher defender can't keep up, help side defense collapse towards the penetrating guard, kick out for the open three. Again and again and again. And if that isn't fixed, nothing else matters.
I hope Trevor can somehow get a sixth year of eligibility due to medical hardship. I hope Ralph Sampson seizes his chance to make his senior year something more memorable than as a side kick. I hope Rodney takes what may be his best and last chance to turn into something more than an athletic freak who never lives up to his potential. I hope the rest of thing shows signs of improvement and of true development and can turn this year into something less than a lost season, and at least compete to be on the bubble. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope I can see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the pacific is as blue as it is in my dreams. I hope.
Not only does it suck because of Mbakwe's ability, but he was a big reason why this is one of the most likable teams I can remember. When is the last time you saw a player work so hard and improve their biggest weakness? Trevor adding a jump shot and completely revamping his free throw technique and going from a 60% to a 70-75% shooter is one of the more impressive offseason changes I've ever seen from a player who had already established themselves as "good." Voshon Lenard got worse. Sam Jacobson got worse. Michael Bauer got worse. The only thing I've seen even close to it was Eric Harris going from a terrible outside shooter to a dead-eye 3-point specialist. Just an awesome showing of dedication, and coming from a guy who had a difficult past (how much of that you want to blame on him is up to you), combined with his obvious effort and work ethic on the floor made him very easy to root for. This just sucks on every level.
How much is this going to affect the team? I think that's obvious. Kenpom.com doesn't have individual player stats up yet, so I can't tell you Mbakwe's rebounding rates, but I can tell you that with 27 offensive rebounds and 64 total rebounds on the year he's grabbed 28% of the team's O-boards and 25% of their total rebounds - and that's total total, not just when he's on the floor, numbers that would be significantly higher.
Minnesota's team strength this year has been their offensive efficiency, which ranks 32nd in the country. The main reason for that is the team has been extremely strong in 2P Field Goal percentage, offensive rebounding, and getting to and converting free throws. Oy. Defensively, the team's strengths thus far have been blocking shots and getting steals. So I guess that's the good news. Mbakwe out won't affect getting steals all that much - he's only fourth on the team.
It's going to take something major for this team to be able to even compete to be on the NCAA bubble without him, but there are some signs of hope. Maybe it's because I actually like this team that my usual pessimism seems to be lacking this season, but I can see some signs of hope. Starting with:
- Ralph Sampson shifts immediately from #2 guy to #1 in the post, something he needs to get comfortable with. This is the #1 thing that has to happen for the team to have any chance at any success. Ralph's role as second banana in the paint to Trevor, where he could roam the high post/perimeter, feed Mbakwe down low, post up from time to time and grab the leftover rebounds suited him well - both his skills and his demeanor. Now he has to become the #1 low post option, something he can either embrace as his last chance to make a mark in his unremarkable college career, or he can shrink from the responsibility and ensure this season goes nowhere. I fear the latter is more likely, but hold out hope for the former.
- The second biggest key to the year is whether or not Rodney can break out. And I know it seems like a silly question we've been asking for three years now and the answer has always been an emphatic no. His game against DePaul showed flashes of his potential, even if it was mostly just rebounding and putback dunks, but maybe that's what he needs to turn into and this is the biggest chance he's going to get because there are suddenly going to be a lot more rebounds and put back chances available. It's clear that he's not going to develop into a perimeter player without a minor miracle, but maybe this is what he's meant to be - an athletic, undersized four. If he can turn himself into a 10 & 8 guy this year - and I think he can - maybe he puts his offseason efforts into bulking up a bit and becomes a legit college 4. It could happen.
- The development of Andre Ingram. The Gophers really only have three options to play the post, and Elliason isn't nearly skilled enough to grab anything more than spot time, and although Osenieks has shown to be a pretty skilled player he doesn't have to size to bang in the Big 10, leaving Ingram as the guy who needs to step in for Mbakwe - as far as anybody can. I've liked what I've seen from him so far, and although mostly a raw athlete he does have some skill and I think he's going to end up being a quality Big 10 player at some point - whether or not that happens this season is key #3 for the Gophers to have some kind of success this year.
- Finally, and maybe most obviously, the guard play needs to get better, and all these other little flights of fancy might be a bunch of mute points unless this one happens. They all have skills with the ball that I like and little things that can develop further and I think each of Austin Hollins, Andre Hollins, and Julian Welch will end up being quality ball players, but that perimeter defense is just brutal. Their opponents shot 42% from three in the Old Spice Classic (and if you take out the brick factory that is DePaul it was 46%) and it was the same in each game - guard drives, either off a hand off or a pick, Gopher defender can't keep up, help side defense collapse towards the penetrating guard, kick out for the open three. Again and again and again. And if that isn't fixed, nothing else matters.
I hope Trevor can somehow get a sixth year of eligibility due to medical hardship. I hope Ralph Sampson seizes his chance to make his senior year something more memorable than as a side kick. I hope Rodney takes what may be his best and last chance to turn into something more than an athletic freak who never lives up to his potential. I hope the rest of thing shows signs of improvement and of true development and can turn this year into something less than a lost season, and at least compete to be on the bubble. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope I can see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the pacific is as blue as it is in my dreams. I hope.
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| I hope. |
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday Musings (World Series, Vikings, Billy Beane, Racism in football, etc.)
I'm watching the World Series right now (currently 2-0 St. Louis in the 3rd) and watching the Rangers work on imploding, which is exactly what Detroit did to hand the Cards their last World Championship, when they were once again a substantial underdog. So far C.J. Wilson has walked Lance Berkman after being ahead 0-2, and Berkman then advanced to third on David or Daniel Murphy's error on a single to left (which scored Holliday), and then scored when Keith Moreland's kid booted a ground ball. C.J. Wilson also threw a Furcal bunt away, but was able to pitch out of it. And now Moreland just hit a Thome-sized home run. Looks like a ball game. I'm not going to live blog it like, but I'll just do that thing where I type whatever comes into my head about whatever. I guess that's what I usually do. Whatever. Shut your big fat face.
- So I suppose, for the first time in two years, there's something worthwhile to talk about with the Vikings. Of course, this is only because they have clearly jumped into rebuilding mold and Ponder gave everyone hope, but despite being impressed with Ponder I'm not exactly looking forward to the next couple of years.
Here's your problem - too old and/or too bad. What do you have? Well you have a good start because you have one bona fide superstar on each side of the ball (AP and Jared Allen), both of whom will probably be able to give you 3-5 more years at a high level. That's an excellent start, and far better than a lot of teams can build around. But from there it's tough.
Ponder looked very good for it being his first start. He made his mistakes, misjudged just how fast even an old cornerback is in the NFL, and made some interesting decisions, but he also made a lot of good throws, showed a lot of poise for a rookie, and never seemed rattled. I don't know what exactly his upside is, but, at the very least, he looks like a young QB the team can build around. It's been a long time since this team has had that (Culpepper), and I'd say Ponder's downside is as a middle of the pack type starter. That's very, very good.
But what else do you have? Nothing. On offense the only other person who has big-time potential is Percy Harvin, but it's hard for me to see him as anything more than a kick returner slot receiver type. I think his absolute upside is the kind of guy who can have a 5 catch-180 yd-2 td day and then follow it up the next week with 1 catch for 8 yards. Who else is there? Kyle Rudolph I guess, but I'm pretty sure everybody loves him because he's white and he's best friends with Ponder who, it turns out, is also white and everybody loves. We'll see.
The real problem here is that there is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, on that offensive line. There is not one single player who starts on that line who would start for any other team in the league with the possible exception of Steve Hutchinson, but that doesn't matter because he's too old to matter when this team is 2-3 years away at a minimum. Loadholt I suppose has some potential and I wouldn't exactly give up on him, but he's not nearly as good as I had hoped and the rest of these guys are fuckin' clown shoes.
And the defense? Who, outside of Allen is remotely interesting? Greenway is alright and Robison is fine as long as you're ok with a mediocre DE2, but that's it. E.J. Henderson? Please. Guy is so overrated and still can't move around correctly. Maybe after another year of healing he'll be ok but I'm not betting on it. Kevin Williams is done, I have no idea who the other DT or LB is, and the only half-way decent defensive backs are a guy who has had 2 knee surgeries and a guy who is currently in jail. Antoine Winfield is one of my favorite players ever but he's pretty much done unless he can move to safety which they should definitely try because Hussain Abdullah's one skill seems to be allowing the big play and also because he's probably a terrorist.
The good news is there are some legitimately nice players here - AP, Allen, Harvin, Ponder, and Greenway are all quality players. The bad news is this isn't baseball or basketball and you can't just trade veterans from prospects and/or picks. It's unfortunate, because guys like Winfield and Hutchinson would be perfect trade bait in other sports, but not the NFL so their kind of stuck. So I guess my point is that the Vikings will be bad for a while but should at least be fun to watch. So I guess that's something. The Gophers are going to be terrible and no fun to watch, so I guess point NFL.
- You know what I'd rather watch than that Captain America movie that's coming out on DVD tomorrow? Anything.
- You know what I do like though? Walking Dead. Very good show so far. Not exactly the most realistic, but if you're looking for realism in a show about zombies I contend you're kind of lost already.
- Last time Pujols came up there as a runner on third with 1 out and they walked him. Holliday grounded into a double play. Now there are runners on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs. They're walking him again. The intrigue is so thick you could cut it with a spoon.
- Ground out to short. Holliday is terrible. Billy Beane was right again.
- Know who the A's got for Holliday? Shane Peterson, Clay Mortensen, and Brett Wallace. Mortensen was then traded to the Rockies for Ethan Hollingsworth, Wallace was shipped to the Jays for Michael Taylor, and Peterson is still in the minors (along with Hollingsworth and Taylor). And Beane originally had to give up Carlos Gonzalez, Huston Street, and Greg Smith to get Holliday. So essentially he flipped a superstar outfielder (down year notwithstanding), a still capable closer, and a young starter who is already in the majors for three minor leaguers, only one of which (Taylor) is considered a top 20 prospect in their system. I guess Joe Morgan was right, moneyball schmoneyball.
- So not only am I playing in the fantasy Big 10 hoops league with my friends (Snacks, Dawger, Snake, Bogart, Optimator, Elk, and Grandslam), but I'm playing in a bigger college hoops league as well, similar to the won I played in - and won - 2 years ago. We've got 13 teams and we're using the Big Six leagues plus the meaningful outliers (UNLV, BYU, New Mexico, Memphis, Gonzaga, etc.). It's a lot harder, and I wish I could talk about it more in depth but unfortunately TRE from Still got Hope? (which if you don't read you should) is also in the league, so I can't divulge my secrets. We fire up the draft tomorrow and it's slowish style so I might get like 2 picks per day. I pick 9th, and I'll give you a hint (and also TRE picks after me) - if he's there I'm going to go with a guy whose name rhymes with Shumbakwe and probably has a huge crank.
- That "huge crank" talk is probably inappropriate but I'm going to leave it in there because it's just going to help the google search results. Also megan fox lesbian kiss midget vagina fart ass sex nick punto.
- Speaking of Nick Punto vagina farts, he just struck out with runners on 2nd and 3rd and 2 outs. Big spot there. Punto's definitely the guy I'd want up in that situation.
- Adrian Beltre just hit a home run on a lollipop curve ball from his knees. No lie. That was pretty weird and impressive. Now 2-2. This has been a great series.
- So this morning before work one of our Direct TV remotes stopped working. It had been going and even when we switched batteries it didn't get any better and today it was just done. So I looked it up on their website and I can get a replacement remote for $15. I figured cool, that's a reasonable price and I'll swing by the nearest retailer to my house and see how much more it is, thinking I'd be willing to pay $5-$10 to have it tonight rather than waiting for it to ship. So I get home from work, grab my damn wiener kids so Mrs. W can do her Tae Bo or yoga or whatever it is tonight, and run up to said retailer. Almost immediately find the remote. It's priced at $44.99. Forty. Five. Fucking. Dollars. Naturally I walked out without it and am now watching the game with no ability to flip channels on the commercials or mute Tim McCarver, but I'm sure as shit not paying 200% more than I have to. I'll wait a couple days, thanks.
- Top 7, tie game. Allen Craig or someone with a name like that, walks with one out and then tries to steal second and is out by two billion feet. And now they're walking Pujols. And guess what they would have done if that steal would have been successful? Yep. Walked him. Since he's nearly as likely to hit an XBH as get a single, maybe you just stay put on first, ok? I get the stolen base and it certainly has it's place, but these two managers both seem to be way to obsessed with it and have both screwed their teams over in this series. Also let's see if Holliday can go 0-3 after getting slapped in the mouth.
- Hey a base hit! Way to go little buddy! And thanks to a whole bunch of thrown the ball around-itis, we're at 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs. 20 bucks says Berkman strikes out for the 3rd time tonight.
- I missed what happened with Berkman but the bases were loaded when David Freese struck out so I assume they walked him.
- By the way you should probably ignore everything I wrote about the Vikings above. I made most of that up.
- Bottom 7, 1 out, Kinsler on first. 20 bucks says they send him here.
- Nope, but Elvis Andrus struck out on 3 pitches. God they'd be so much better if they hit Napoli or Cruz or even Beltre second. But of course, Ron Washington can't do that. You gotta have a guy there who can handle the bat, right Gardy and every other manager in the stupid world. And Dawger.
- Ever want to combine racism with football? Go nuts.
- After a leadoff hit by Yadier Molina I'm pretty sure the Cardinals just pinch hit for Skip Schumaker with Ryan Theriot just so he could sac bunt. You're telling me a dude named Skip can't bunt? You might as well tell me that sliding into first doesn't get you there faster. I can't believe it. I won't.
- Punto blows it again, striking out in a still tied game with a runner on 2nd and 1 out. Takes a special kind of guy to constantly disappoint two franchises.
- In one fantasy league I'm in today I was offered Cam Newton and James Starks in exchange for Hakeem Nicks and LaSean McCoy. So that was pretty fun.
- Bases loaded. One out. Bottom of the 8th. 2-2 game. Mike Napoli up. A hit, and particularly an extra-base hit, would help my bank account tremendously. Na-Po-Li. Na-Po-Li. Na-Po-Li.
- Double, scores 2. Damn dude, shit never works out like this for me.
- That message board I posted earlier really thinks Peyton Hillis is being held down because he's white. Why can't they just accept that he's terrible at football? Probably a good blocker though.
- I couldn't tell you one thing about Lance Lynn. Well, other than he's a pitcher for St. Louis who is about to come into a high leverage situation in the World Series.
- Your name is Lance Lynn and you're gonna roll out the perm? Interesting choice. Also he just intentionally walked Ian Kinsler and then got yanked. Looks like LaRussa has his overmanaging pants on again.
- Feliz now in for the ninth and he gets 2 strikes on Craig and then plunks him right in the back shoulder on a pitch that was so zeroed in on him that there was no way Craig could've gotten out of the way even if his life was on the line. Pujols up. Tying run, can't walk him. Nice.
- Jesus Pujols has a great eye. Now at 3-2. Laid off three close ones but were clearly balls. He's really good at hitting stuff. Not unlike Chris Cook, I suppose.
- Strike 'em out throw 'em out. Pujols whiffs on a pitch that was ball four and Craig is tossed easily and I have no clue why they sent him. I know Albert doesn't strike out a ton, but you just took a runner out who, really, didn't matter. If he gets to second and scores on a single who fucking cares, you're still down by a run. Stupid play. Tony LaRussa outsmarted himself here tonight. I hope Holliday hits a home run here.
- Holliday walks. Will probably get thrown out stealing. Stay tuned.
- Berkman whiffs. Texas wins. Pretty sure we're going 7 folks. Adios and good night.
- So I suppose, for the first time in two years, there's something worthwhile to talk about with the Vikings. Of course, this is only because they have clearly jumped into rebuilding mold and Ponder gave everyone hope, but despite being impressed with Ponder I'm not exactly looking forward to the next couple of years.
Here's your problem - too old and/or too bad. What do you have? Well you have a good start because you have one bona fide superstar on each side of the ball (AP and Jared Allen), both of whom will probably be able to give you 3-5 more years at a high level. That's an excellent start, and far better than a lot of teams can build around. But from there it's tough.
Ponder looked very good for it being his first start. He made his mistakes, misjudged just how fast even an old cornerback is in the NFL, and made some interesting decisions, but he also made a lot of good throws, showed a lot of poise for a rookie, and never seemed rattled. I don't know what exactly his upside is, but, at the very least, he looks like a young QB the team can build around. It's been a long time since this team has had that (Culpepper), and I'd say Ponder's downside is as a middle of the pack type starter. That's very, very good.
But what else do you have? Nothing. On offense the only other person who has big-time potential is Percy Harvin, but it's hard for me to see him as anything more than a kick returner slot receiver type. I think his absolute upside is the kind of guy who can have a 5 catch-180 yd-2 td day and then follow it up the next week with 1 catch for 8 yards. Who else is there? Kyle Rudolph I guess, but I'm pretty sure everybody loves him because he's white and he's best friends with Ponder who, it turns out, is also white and everybody loves. We'll see.
The real problem here is that there is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, on that offensive line. There is not one single player who starts on that line who would start for any other team in the league with the possible exception of Steve Hutchinson, but that doesn't matter because he's too old to matter when this team is 2-3 years away at a minimum. Loadholt I suppose has some potential and I wouldn't exactly give up on him, but he's not nearly as good as I had hoped and the rest of these guys are fuckin' clown shoes.
And the defense? Who, outside of Allen is remotely interesting? Greenway is alright and Robison is fine as long as you're ok with a mediocre DE2, but that's it. E.J. Henderson? Please. Guy is so overrated and still can't move around correctly. Maybe after another year of healing he'll be ok but I'm not betting on it. Kevin Williams is done, I have no idea who the other DT or LB is, and the only half-way decent defensive backs are a guy who has had 2 knee surgeries and a guy who is currently in jail. Antoine Winfield is one of my favorite players ever but he's pretty much done unless he can move to safety which they should definitely try because Hussain Abdullah's one skill seems to be allowing the big play and also because he's probably a terrorist.
The good news is there are some legitimately nice players here - AP, Allen, Harvin, Ponder, and Greenway are all quality players. The bad news is this isn't baseball or basketball and you can't just trade veterans from prospects and/or picks. It's unfortunate, because guys like Winfield and Hutchinson would be perfect trade bait in other sports, but not the NFL so their kind of stuck. So I guess my point is that the Vikings will be bad for a while but should at least be fun to watch. So I guess that's something. The Gophers are going to be terrible and no fun to watch, so I guess point NFL.
- You know what I'd rather watch than that Captain America movie that's coming out on DVD tomorrow? Anything.
- You know what I do like though? Walking Dead. Very good show so far. Not exactly the most realistic, but if you're looking for realism in a show about zombies I contend you're kind of lost already.
- Last time Pujols came up there as a runner on third with 1 out and they walked him. Holliday grounded into a double play. Now there are runners on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs. They're walking him again. The intrigue is so thick you could cut it with a spoon.
- Ground out to short. Holliday is terrible. Billy Beane was right again.
- Know who the A's got for Holliday? Shane Peterson, Clay Mortensen, and Brett Wallace. Mortensen was then traded to the Rockies for Ethan Hollingsworth, Wallace was shipped to the Jays for Michael Taylor, and Peterson is still in the minors (along with Hollingsworth and Taylor). And Beane originally had to give up Carlos Gonzalez, Huston Street, and Greg Smith to get Holliday. So essentially he flipped a superstar outfielder (down year notwithstanding), a still capable closer, and a young starter who is already in the majors for three minor leaguers, only one of which (Taylor) is considered a top 20 prospect in their system. I guess Joe Morgan was right, moneyball schmoneyball.
- So not only am I playing in the fantasy Big 10 hoops league with my friends (Snacks, Dawger, Snake, Bogart, Optimator, Elk, and Grandslam), but I'm playing in a bigger college hoops league as well, similar to the won I played in - and won - 2 years ago. We've got 13 teams and we're using the Big Six leagues plus the meaningful outliers (UNLV, BYU, New Mexico, Memphis, Gonzaga, etc.). It's a lot harder, and I wish I could talk about it more in depth but unfortunately TRE from Still got Hope? (which if you don't read you should) is also in the league, so I can't divulge my secrets. We fire up the draft tomorrow and it's slowish style so I might get like 2 picks per day. I pick 9th, and I'll give you a hint (and also TRE picks after me) - if he's there I'm going to go with a guy whose name rhymes with Shumbakwe and probably has a huge crank.
- That "huge crank" talk is probably inappropriate but I'm going to leave it in there because it's just going to help the google search results. Also megan fox lesbian kiss midget vagina fart ass sex nick punto.
- Speaking of Nick Punto vagina farts, he just struck out with runners on 2nd and 3rd and 2 outs. Big spot there. Punto's definitely the guy I'd want up in that situation.
- Adrian Beltre just hit a home run on a lollipop curve ball from his knees. No lie. That was pretty weird and impressive. Now 2-2. This has been a great series.
 |
| Big fuckin' deal, Beltre. I could've done that do if that dickhead Veeck would've let me swing. |
- Top 7, tie game. Allen Craig or someone with a name like that, walks with one out and then tries to steal second and is out by two billion feet. And now they're walking Pujols. And guess what they would have done if that steal would have been successful? Yep. Walked him. Since he's nearly as likely to hit an XBH as get a single, maybe you just stay put on first, ok? I get the stolen base and it certainly has it's place, but these two managers both seem to be way to obsessed with it and have both screwed their teams over in this series. Also let's see if Holliday can go 0-3 after getting slapped in the mouth.
- Hey a base hit! Way to go little buddy! And thanks to a whole bunch of thrown the ball around-itis, we're at 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs. 20 bucks says Berkman strikes out for the 3rd time tonight.
- I missed what happened with Berkman but the bases were loaded when David Freese struck out so I assume they walked him.
 | |
| Let me guess, you were expecting a picture of Arnold as Mr. Freeze? You probably don't even know who this is, do you you unoriginal bastard? |
- By the way you should probably ignore everything I wrote about the Vikings above. I made most of that up.
- Bottom 7, 1 out, Kinsler on first. 20 bucks says they send him here.
- Nope, but Elvis Andrus struck out on 3 pitches. God they'd be so much better if they hit Napoli or Cruz or even Beltre second. But of course, Ron Washington can't do that. You gotta have a guy there who can handle the bat, right Gardy and every other manager in the stupid world. And Dawger.
- Ever want to combine racism with football? Go nuts.
- After a leadoff hit by Yadier Molina I'm pretty sure the Cardinals just pinch hit for Skip Schumaker with Ryan Theriot just so he could sac bunt. You're telling me a dude named Skip can't bunt? You might as well tell me that sliding into first doesn't get you there faster. I can't believe it. I won't.
- Punto blows it again, striking out in a still tied game with a runner on 2nd and 1 out. Takes a special kind of guy to constantly disappoint two franchises.
- In one fantasy league I'm in today I was offered Cam Newton and James Starks in exchange for Hakeem Nicks and LaSean McCoy. So that was pretty fun.
- Bases loaded. One out. Bottom of the 8th. 2-2 game. Mike Napoli up. A hit, and particularly an extra-base hit, would help my bank account tremendously. Na-Po-Li. Na-Po-Li. Na-Po-Li.
- Double, scores 2. Damn dude, shit never works out like this for me.
- That message board I posted earlier really thinks Peyton Hillis is being held down because he's white. Why can't they just accept that he's terrible at football? Probably a good blocker though.
- I couldn't tell you one thing about Lance Lynn. Well, other than he's a pitcher for St. Louis who is about to come into a high leverage situation in the World Series.
- Your name is Lance Lynn and you're gonna roll out the perm? Interesting choice. Also he just intentionally walked Ian Kinsler and then got yanked. Looks like LaRussa has his overmanaging pants on again.
 |
| Oh hello. I pitch for the Cardinals. |
- Jesus Pujols has a great eye. Now at 3-2. Laid off three close ones but were clearly balls. He's really good at hitting stuff. Not unlike Chris Cook, I suppose.
- Strike 'em out throw 'em out. Pujols whiffs on a pitch that was ball four and Craig is tossed easily and I have no clue why they sent him. I know Albert doesn't strike out a ton, but you just took a runner out who, really, didn't matter. If he gets to second and scores on a single who fucking cares, you're still down by a run. Stupid play. Tony LaRussa outsmarted himself here tonight. I hope Holliday hits a home run here.
- Holliday walks. Will probably get thrown out stealing. Stay tuned.
- Berkman whiffs. Texas wins. Pretty sure we're going 7 folks. Adios and good night.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Joe Mauer is Worthless
$184 million for this? Joe Mauer wasn't in the lineup today due to being "pretty beat up" and "general soreness from foul tips, blocking pitches, and being hit in the shoulder by a fastball." Are. You. Freaking. Kidding. Me?
Look at the players in the lineup from day-to-day: Ben Revere is a decent leadoff hitter and Cuddy is a major league bat but that's it. Valencia belongs in the bigs and Thome can still unleash from time to time, but everyone else on this roster right now is a back-up at best and a minor leaguer at worst. When that's the case and you are purported to be the best player on the team you CANNOT sit out games due to being "sore."
I know I'm not exactly breaking new ground here, but being injury prone is one thing. It's incredibly annoying and the amount of time Mauer has missed due to injury in his career is staggering and at this point is probably damn near as much time as he's actually played, but it's a more innocent annoyance. Some people are just brittle and get hurt a lot. I grew up with a guy who got hurt nearly every baseball season and missed a good chunk of the games, including both varsity years, and even hurt his wrist playing golf and had to sit out an entire summer league. Mauer's injury history is irritating, annoying, and sucks (and would have been a pretty good reason to balk at his contract demands) but basically it is what it is.
But this unwillingness to play when his team needs him the most is ridiculous on a whole new level because he can control it. I don't know if Mauer is asking for these constant days off (bad) or if Gardenhire is giving them to him and he's not standing up and saying he wants to play (worse) but it's simply unfathomable. According to nerd stats, which I'll spare you, Mauer in an average year creates about 25 runs more than an average batter. Drew Butera is about 10 runs worse than average. So Mauer creates 35 runs more than Butera, so every time he sits out when he should be playing he costs the team big.
Or ate least he would if he didn't completely suck when he does play this year. I mean he's just been dreadful. Hitting .223 with zero power and not walking. His .553 OPS? That would be a career worst for Nick Punto. Nick motherfucking Punto! He has four extra-base hits in 101 plate appearances which, if you extrapolate it out to 500 PAs and 20 XBH, would be just the 15th time in history a player had 20 XBHs or less with at least 500 PAs - a list that includes slap-nancies like Luis Castillo and Chone Figgins. I mean we are talking historically terrible shit here.
He's walking about half as often as usual, striking out about 50% more, and is hitting the ball on the ground 67% of the time when he is usually around the high 40s. His groundball to flyball ratio is 4-to-1, the highest such number in the entire league. Guess who else is in the top 5? Ichiro, Jeter, Elvis Andrus, and Jose Tabata - fast players who beat the ball into the ground and use their speed to reach base. All four of those guys rank in the top 20 in the majors in infield hits with 21, 14, 12, and 13 respectively. Mauer has 2, and I think we all know he isn't the Willie Mays Hayes beat it into the ground type. He needs to drive the ball and he's simply not doing that.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just pissed that the season is on the rocks due in large part to injuries. Maybe I'm sick of dealing with the Butera/Rivera platoon. Maybe Mauer is actually pretty hurt but is playing anyway and that's why he sucks and eventually everything will be back to normal. I don't know. All I know is right now he's completely worthless, yet $184 million dollars richer.
Look at the players in the lineup from day-to-day: Ben Revere is a decent leadoff hitter and Cuddy is a major league bat but that's it. Valencia belongs in the bigs and Thome can still unleash from time to time, but everyone else on this roster right now is a back-up at best and a minor leaguer at worst. When that's the case and you are purported to be the best player on the team you CANNOT sit out games due to being "sore."
I know I'm not exactly breaking new ground here, but being injury prone is one thing. It's incredibly annoying and the amount of time Mauer has missed due to injury in his career is staggering and at this point is probably damn near as much time as he's actually played, but it's a more innocent annoyance. Some people are just brittle and get hurt a lot. I grew up with a guy who got hurt nearly every baseball season and missed a good chunk of the games, including both varsity years, and even hurt his wrist playing golf and had to sit out an entire summer league. Mauer's injury history is irritating, annoying, and sucks (and would have been a pretty good reason to balk at his contract demands) but basically it is what it is.
But this unwillingness to play when his team needs him the most is ridiculous on a whole new level because he can control it. I don't know if Mauer is asking for these constant days off (bad) or if Gardenhire is giving them to him and he's not standing up and saying he wants to play (worse) but it's simply unfathomable. According to nerd stats, which I'll spare you, Mauer in an average year creates about 25 runs more than an average batter. Drew Butera is about 10 runs worse than average. So Mauer creates 35 runs more than Butera, so every time he sits out when he should be playing he costs the team big.
Or ate least he would if he didn't completely suck when he does play this year. I mean he's just been dreadful. Hitting .223 with zero power and not walking. His .553 OPS? That would be a career worst for Nick Punto. Nick motherfucking Punto! He has four extra-base hits in 101 plate appearances which, if you extrapolate it out to 500 PAs and 20 XBH, would be just the 15th time in history a player had 20 XBHs or less with at least 500 PAs - a list that includes slap-nancies like Luis Castillo and Chone Figgins. I mean we are talking historically terrible shit here.
He's walking about half as often as usual, striking out about 50% more, and is hitting the ball on the ground 67% of the time when he is usually around the high 40s. His groundball to flyball ratio is 4-to-1, the highest such number in the entire league. Guess who else is in the top 5? Ichiro, Jeter, Elvis Andrus, and Jose Tabata - fast players who beat the ball into the ground and use their speed to reach base. All four of those guys rank in the top 20 in the majors in infield hits with 21, 14, 12, and 13 respectively. Mauer has 2, and I think we all know he isn't the Willie Mays Hayes beat it into the ground type. He needs to drive the ball and he's simply not doing that.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just pissed that the season is on the rocks due in large part to injuries. Maybe I'm sick of dealing with the Butera/Rivera platoon. Maybe Mauer is actually pretty hurt but is playing anyway and that's why he sucks and eventually everything will be back to normal. I don't know. All I know is right now he's completely worthless, yet $184 million dollars richer.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
These sports movies suck
You know how sometimes you're watching a movie, and there's a sports scene in it and you think "That's ridiculous and totally fake. Way to go stupid movie?" Well, here's the top ten absurd sports moments I can think of in an hour of thinking I did. A couple of things first:
1. I only thought about this for about an hour and I didn't rewatch these movies/parts unless I could find it on YouTube. I'm sure there is a lot I missed or got slightly wrong. Feel free to tell me.
2. I haven't seen every sports movie, and there are a lot I haven't seen enough to really remember. I have never seen Remember the Titans because it looks like stupid crap for overly sentimental idiots. And I saw Blue Chips so long ago, I don't really remember it. There are plenty of other examples.
3. Obviously, Shoeless Joe appearing in a cornfield, a kid breaking his arm and developing a wicked fastball and playing for the Cubs, and a kid becoming General Manager of the Twins are pretty absurd. But that's not the kind of absurd we're talking about.
5. True stories are exempt. So even though it's absurd that a little weiner like Sam from Lord of the Rings could somehow walk on to Notre Dame and get a sack in his last ever game, I had to leave it off.
4. I tried to find clips of these moments whenever possible.
Now, the top 10 most absurd sports moments, as chosen by a panel of me, from least absurd to most absurd.
10. Bad News Bears in Breaking Training: Now, I really like this movie, quite a bit, but there are two pieces that just can't be ignored as far as absurdity goes. The first is the whole, thirteen year olds outsmarting all their parents and organizers of the big game at the Astrodome, using an old van and a 50 year old mentally challenged lawn guy. The second is the entire Astrodome chanting "Let them Play." Seriously, if I was at a doubleheader for the Twins, and a bunch of stupid kids came out to play, and they took too long and had to have their game cut short there's no way in hell I want them to get to play longer. And if that coach comes out and tries to start a chant, I'm thinking he's a loony, not that I want to join in and help out. Good movie though.
9. The Natural: The big homerun. Seriously, have you seen how high up those lights are? Plus, he had been shot. Plus, they totally changed the ending from the book. Still, this scene gives me chills just watching it on YouTube.
8. Zapped: I'm guessing most people haven't seen this, and it's not an actual sports movie, but there's one part that always drove me crazy as a kid, and it's baseball related. The movie centers around Scott Baio and his friend played by Willie Aames, and Baio's character somehow figures out a secret formula to create a potion to freeze time, kind of like Evie from Out of this World. He uses it to pause time in a baseball game against the big rival, and becomes the hero, hitting a homerun against the scary pitcher who is supposed to be awesome.
There's only one problem, they went ahead and got a big, giant guy to play the pitcher, but he has clearly never thrown a baseball - like ever. And he looks like he's about forty. We're supposed to think he's awesome, but it is clear he couldn't get a fastball to go even 40 mph unless he put it in his car. It drove me crazy then, and it drives me crazy now. I can't find a picture or a video, but if you knew what I was talking about, you'd totally be nodding your head right now.
7. Jerry Maguire: Yes, this whole movie is pretty absurd, and there aren't even many sports scenes, but the one they have is totally ridiculous. It's when Cuba Gooding's character gets hurt, then gets up and dances for half an hour, magically making the crowd love him and the owner decide that now he needs to pay for a big contract, even though up until then, he wasn't going to pay. See below:
First off, I think the footage is off Jake Plummer to Rob Moore, and it's pretty clear that the receiver Moore/Tidwell/Gooding comes down on his back, not his head. It should be obvious that he just has the wind knocked out of him and nothing more. Then he gets up from this supposedly scary injury, and dances around for a full minute. And supposedly throughout the whole movie, he was like Jeff George, and getting the wind knocked out of him turned him into Chad Johnson x Steve Smith. And somehow this makes the crowd fall in love with him. AND somehow this makes the owner decide to pay him a truckload of money? I'm getting angry just typing this. Maybe this should have been higher on the list. Let's move on.
6. Tin Cup: I couldn't find video for this one, but I'm of course talking about how Tin Cup doinks his shot on the 72nd hole of the U.S. Open into the water five or six times before holing out, taking him from contending to win to second place or worse. I like this movie, and the scene is actually pretty entertaining, but that's only if you refuse to acknowledge the fact that continuing to attempt that shot, instead of taking a drop up closer, is something only a complete pig-headed, stubborn idiot would do. Way to blow your chance at winning the US Open, Jackass!
5. Varsity Blues: A whole lot about this movie is absurd (such as banishing the coach at halftime, the entire state of Texas, and how hot Ali Larter is) but the very ending almost ruins what is otherwise a pretty fun movie. If you're familiar with this movie, at the end, the team needs a touchdown to win with one play left, and they decide to run a hook-and-ladder/hook-and-lateral, and they have the pitch man be their 350 pound offensive lineman, Billy Bob. Now, not only is this dumb enough, but then to add "drama" they have him bobble the ball about six times before he finally pulls in the lateral, in which time nobody on the defense bothers to get over to him. Finally the defense gets to him, and he carries three defenders on his back into the endzone. Just stupid. Did I mention they're like 30 yards out? So no defensive players could catch the 400 pound lineman until he had ran 20 yards already? This makes me upset. I tried to find video of the play, but I couldn't, so instead here's Ali Larter in a whipped cream bikini from the movie:
4. Major League 2: Major League was an awesome movie. One of my favorites. I can pretty much look past everything from that, other than, of course, Cerrano's inability to hit a curve ball. Seriously, if he was that bad at hitting the curve, he never would have been in the majors to begin with. Everyone would just throw him a curveball every pitch, and he'd hit .000 with a 100% K/AB ratio. I can look past that though, because it's a great movie and they're pretty much just exaggerating to make a point.
Major League 2 however, petty much pisses me off on all levels. I haven't seen it more than a couple of times, because it sucked so bad. Basically, ML 1 did so well, that the executives wanted to make a second one, and couldn't figure out how to make a winning team into lovable losers, so they used stupid, horrible ideas to try to make it the first one all over again, and added in some useless, idiotic crap.
If I remember correctly, the young stars Rick Vaughn and Willie Mays Hayes, get cocky and conceited and, surprise surprise, Vaughn loses his control and Hayes tries to do too much at the plate, and they struggle and have to come together as a young team to try to rise above and win the pennant. Give me a break. It's the same god damn movie, just done poorly. Add in a catcher who couldn't throw the ball back to the pitcher, and you have the world's worst movie of all time ever. I know there was an issue with real-life catcher Mackey Sasser throwing it back to the pitcher at one point, but this movie takes it to such a ridiculous extreme it makes me want to kill the guy who played that role and his whole family.
3. Teen Wolf: The whole reason for this column. Obviously, a movie where a kid turns into a werewolf isn't to be taken too seriously, but there is one glaring problem with the end of this movie's basketball scene, and I've never been able to get over it. This was on the other day, and I watched the last half hour in order to get to this scene, just to make sure it was as bad as I remembered. It was. It is clear that nobody associated with this film in any way had ever played, watched, or heard of basketball.
Unfortunately, I can't find a clip of it anywhere, but Teen Wolf gets fouled with no time left and his team down one (well, Teen Wolf in his human form because we learn the valuable lesson in this movie that you don't have to be a werewolf be good at sports.) He has two free throws, so they clear the lane since the clock reads 0:00, except for the "bad guy" of the movie, who gets to STAND RIGHT UNDER THE HOOP. Like it's practice and he's the rebounder for TW's free throws. After he hits the first, the guy GRABS THE BALL AND THROWS IT BACK TO TW. Not a ref in sight. Seriously. An absolute travesty that nobody caught this in editing, writing, directing, or acting. Ruins an otherwise completely believable movie.
2. The Program: Sure, some college football programs are pretty corrupt, and it's likely almost all major programs are corrupt to some degree, but ESU in The Program is completely corrupt, and extremely unlucky. They have exactly five good players:
1. QB Joe Cain (Heisman Candidate) - Alcoholic, borderline suicidal, daddy issues, goes into treatment after getting in a fight in a bar, season down drain
2. LB Alvin Mack - top linebacker in country, breaks leg. Will never play football again
3. DL Steve Lattimer - on steroids. Rapist.
4. RB Darnell Jefferson - head case, academically challenged, gets in fights with fellow RB
5. OL Something Something - seems like a good guy
So out of five good players, four of them get messed up. On top of this, is the constant giving of cash to the players by alumni, the back up QB getting the coach's daughter to take his test for him because they're humping, and infraction upon infraction. If this movie's point was to show every single thing that could every possibly go wrong, well done. Otherwise it's a completely over the top ridiculous look at college football. Just to make sure you don't take it seriously, the final play where ECU wins is a combination of Steve Young's run versus the Vikings and Mike Vick's run vs. the Vikings, but with a fumble and a touchdown pass mixed in as well, instead of something that, you know, might actually happen - ever. But Kristy Swanson was pretty hot. Here's the final play. Just horrible.
1. Summer Catch: Absolutely, without question, the worst ending not only of any sports movie ever, but any movie ever period ever in the history of ever. If you haven't seen it, don't, but I'm going to give away the ending so if you have a big bad Freddie Prinze boner, look away. If you have a Jessica Biel boner, stick around.
Prinze is some dipshit pitcher, and gets to play in the Cape Cod league (a very big deal) as the local boy. He also ends up falling for Biel's character, some rich chick whose Daddy doesn't want her dating the local pool boy - a plot that's been used in more movies than Zombies have. Prinze is also full of talent but self destructive because his mommy left him when he was young - again, a huge cliche.
After struggling most of the summer, the ace pitcher gets booted off the team for setting the press box on fire (seriously) so Prinze gets his shot in the biggest game of the summer season, while Biel is heading off to somewhere for some scholarship or internship or something I can't remember, and they'll never see each other again.
Prinze finds his inner talent, and pitches a perfect game through 8, with major league scouts all over the place, basically his big break and everything he's been working for. At the beginning of the ninth, HE TAKES HIMSELF OUT OF THE GAME TO GO CHASE DOWN THE GIRL HE'S KNOWN FOR ALL OF TWO MONTHS. Seriously. Perfect game. Ninth inning. Two months.
This is what happens when you try to take sports and make a girl movie out of it. I seriously had to explain why the ending was so stupid to my wife, who thought it was sweet. Luckily, she had me there to explain it to her, and she now understands how stupid it was and still refers to it as the worst ending ever. But all those stupid girls with their crushes on Freddy Prinze probably think it was awesome. It wasn't. I tried to burn down the theater that was showing this movie after I left, but I don't know how to make fire with sticks and twigs so I kicked the side of the building instead. So angry. Here's Billy Simmons' review of Summer Catch, if you're looking for something a little more indepth. And here's a video of Jessica Biel from that movie, so we can all feel better instead of bitterly angry and ready to kill.
Thanks for reading all these 8 billion words. I feel slightly better now.
[NOTE: I originally wrote this 3.5 years ago, but I am feeling stuck for creativity, stumbled across it, and laughed once or twice, so we're reposting. I probably have three readers in common from 3.5 years ago anyway. Also Rudy sucks and if you disagree I will fight you.]
1. I only thought about this for about an hour and I didn't rewatch these movies/parts unless I could find it on YouTube. I'm sure there is a lot I missed or got slightly wrong. Feel free to tell me.
2. I haven't seen every sports movie, and there are a lot I haven't seen enough to really remember. I have never seen Remember the Titans because it looks like stupid crap for overly sentimental idiots. And I saw Blue Chips so long ago, I don't really remember it. There are plenty of other examples.
3. Obviously, Shoeless Joe appearing in a cornfield, a kid breaking his arm and developing a wicked fastball and playing for the Cubs, and a kid becoming General Manager of the Twins are pretty absurd. But that's not the kind of absurd we're talking about.
5. True stories are exempt. So even though it's absurd that a little weiner like Sam from Lord of the Rings could somehow walk on to Notre Dame and get a sack in his last ever game, I had to leave it off.
4. I tried to find clips of these moments whenever possible.
Now, the top 10 most absurd sports moments, as chosen by a panel of me, from least absurd to most absurd.
10. Bad News Bears in Breaking Training: Now, I really like this movie, quite a bit, but there are two pieces that just can't be ignored as far as absurdity goes. The first is the whole, thirteen year olds outsmarting all their parents and organizers of the big game at the Astrodome, using an old van and a 50 year old mentally challenged lawn guy. The second is the entire Astrodome chanting "Let them Play." Seriously, if I was at a doubleheader for the Twins, and a bunch of stupid kids came out to play, and they took too long and had to have their game cut short there's no way in hell I want them to get to play longer. And if that coach comes out and tries to start a chant, I'm thinking he's a loony, not that I want to join in and help out. Good movie though.
9. The Natural: The big homerun. Seriously, have you seen how high up those lights are? Plus, he had been shot. Plus, they totally changed the ending from the book. Still, this scene gives me chills just watching it on YouTube.
8. Zapped: I'm guessing most people haven't seen this, and it's not an actual sports movie, but there's one part that always drove me crazy as a kid, and it's baseball related. The movie centers around Scott Baio and his friend played by Willie Aames, and Baio's character somehow figures out a secret formula to create a potion to freeze time, kind of like Evie from Out of this World. He uses it to pause time in a baseball game against the big rival, and becomes the hero, hitting a homerun against the scary pitcher who is supposed to be awesome.
There's only one problem, they went ahead and got a big, giant guy to play the pitcher, but he has clearly never thrown a baseball - like ever. And he looks like he's about forty. We're supposed to think he's awesome, but it is clear he couldn't get a fastball to go even 40 mph unless he put it in his car. It drove me crazy then, and it drives me crazy now. I can't find a picture or a video, but if you knew what I was talking about, you'd totally be nodding your head right now.
7. Jerry Maguire: Yes, this whole movie is pretty absurd, and there aren't even many sports scenes, but the one they have is totally ridiculous. It's when Cuba Gooding's character gets hurt, then gets up and dances for half an hour, magically making the crowd love him and the owner decide that now he needs to pay for a big contract, even though up until then, he wasn't going to pay. See below:
First off, I think the footage is off Jake Plummer to Rob Moore, and it's pretty clear that the receiver Moore/Tidwell/Gooding comes down on his back, not his head. It should be obvious that he just has the wind knocked out of him and nothing more. Then he gets up from this supposedly scary injury, and dances around for a full minute. And supposedly throughout the whole movie, he was like Jeff George, and getting the wind knocked out of him turned him into Chad Johnson x Steve Smith. And somehow this makes the crowd fall in love with him. AND somehow this makes the owner decide to pay him a truckload of money? I'm getting angry just typing this. Maybe this should have been higher on the list. Let's move on.
6. Tin Cup: I couldn't find video for this one, but I'm of course talking about how Tin Cup doinks his shot on the 72nd hole of the U.S. Open into the water five or six times before holing out, taking him from contending to win to second place or worse. I like this movie, and the scene is actually pretty entertaining, but that's only if you refuse to acknowledge the fact that continuing to attempt that shot, instead of taking a drop up closer, is something only a complete pig-headed, stubborn idiot would do. Way to blow your chance at winning the US Open, Jackass!
5. Varsity Blues: A whole lot about this movie is absurd (such as banishing the coach at halftime, the entire state of Texas, and how hot Ali Larter is) but the very ending almost ruins what is otherwise a pretty fun movie. If you're familiar with this movie, at the end, the team needs a touchdown to win with one play left, and they decide to run a hook-and-ladder/hook-and-lateral, and they have the pitch man be their 350 pound offensive lineman, Billy Bob. Now, not only is this dumb enough, but then to add "drama" they have him bobble the ball about six times before he finally pulls in the lateral, in which time nobody on the defense bothers to get over to him. Finally the defense gets to him, and he carries three defenders on his back into the endzone. Just stupid. Did I mention they're like 30 yards out? So no defensive players could catch the 400 pound lineman until he had ran 20 yards already? This makes me upset. I tried to find video of the play, but I couldn't, so instead here's Ali Larter in a whipped cream bikini from the movie:
4. Major League 2: Major League was an awesome movie. One of my favorites. I can pretty much look past everything from that, other than, of course, Cerrano's inability to hit a curve ball. Seriously, if he was that bad at hitting the curve, he never would have been in the majors to begin with. Everyone would just throw him a curveball every pitch, and he'd hit .000 with a 100% K/AB ratio. I can look past that though, because it's a great movie and they're pretty much just exaggerating to make a point.
Major League 2 however, petty much pisses me off on all levels. I haven't seen it more than a couple of times, because it sucked so bad. Basically, ML 1 did so well, that the executives wanted to make a second one, and couldn't figure out how to make a winning team into lovable losers, so they used stupid, horrible ideas to try to make it the first one all over again, and added in some useless, idiotic crap.
If I remember correctly, the young stars Rick Vaughn and Willie Mays Hayes, get cocky and conceited and, surprise surprise, Vaughn loses his control and Hayes tries to do too much at the plate, and they struggle and have to come together as a young team to try to rise above and win the pennant. Give me a break. It's the same god damn movie, just done poorly. Add in a catcher who couldn't throw the ball back to the pitcher, and you have the world's worst movie of all time ever. I know there was an issue with real-life catcher Mackey Sasser throwing it back to the pitcher at one point, but this movie takes it to such a ridiculous extreme it makes me want to kill the guy who played that role and his whole family.
3. Teen Wolf: The whole reason for this column. Obviously, a movie where a kid turns into a werewolf isn't to be taken too seriously, but there is one glaring problem with the end of this movie's basketball scene, and I've never been able to get over it. This was on the other day, and I watched the last half hour in order to get to this scene, just to make sure it was as bad as I remembered. It was. It is clear that nobody associated with this film in any way had ever played, watched, or heard of basketball.
Unfortunately, I can't find a clip of it anywhere, but Teen Wolf gets fouled with no time left and his team down one (well, Teen Wolf in his human form because we learn the valuable lesson in this movie that you don't have to be a werewolf be good at sports.) He has two free throws, so they clear the lane since the clock reads 0:00, except for the "bad guy" of the movie, who gets to STAND RIGHT UNDER THE HOOP. Like it's practice and he's the rebounder for TW's free throws. After he hits the first, the guy GRABS THE BALL AND THROWS IT BACK TO TW. Not a ref in sight. Seriously. An absolute travesty that nobody caught this in editing, writing, directing, or acting. Ruins an otherwise completely believable movie.
2. The Program: Sure, some college football programs are pretty corrupt, and it's likely almost all major programs are corrupt to some degree, but ESU in The Program is completely corrupt, and extremely unlucky. They have exactly five good players:
1. QB Joe Cain (Heisman Candidate) - Alcoholic, borderline suicidal, daddy issues, goes into treatment after getting in a fight in a bar, season down drain
2. LB Alvin Mack - top linebacker in country, breaks leg. Will never play football again
3. DL Steve Lattimer - on steroids. Rapist.
4. RB Darnell Jefferson - head case, academically challenged, gets in fights with fellow RB
5. OL Something Something - seems like a good guy
So out of five good players, four of them get messed up. On top of this, is the constant giving of cash to the players by alumni, the back up QB getting the coach's daughter to take his test for him because they're humping, and infraction upon infraction. If this movie's point was to show every single thing that could every possibly go wrong, well done. Otherwise it's a completely over the top ridiculous look at college football. Just to make sure you don't take it seriously, the final play where ECU wins is a combination of Steve Young's run versus the Vikings and Mike Vick's run vs. the Vikings, but with a fumble and a touchdown pass mixed in as well, instead of something that, you know, might actually happen - ever. But Kristy Swanson was pretty hot. Here's the final play. Just horrible.
1. Summer Catch: Absolutely, without question, the worst ending not only of any sports movie ever, but any movie ever period ever in the history of ever. If you haven't seen it, don't, but I'm going to give away the ending so if you have a big bad Freddie Prinze boner, look away. If you have a Jessica Biel boner, stick around.
Prinze is some dipshit pitcher, and gets to play in the Cape Cod league (a very big deal) as the local boy. He also ends up falling for Biel's character, some rich chick whose Daddy doesn't want her dating the local pool boy - a plot that's been used in more movies than Zombies have. Prinze is also full of talent but self destructive because his mommy left him when he was young - again, a huge cliche.
After struggling most of the summer, the ace pitcher gets booted off the team for setting the press box on fire (seriously) so Prinze gets his shot in the biggest game of the summer season, while Biel is heading off to somewhere for some scholarship or internship or something I can't remember, and they'll never see each other again.
Prinze finds his inner talent, and pitches a perfect game through 8, with major league scouts all over the place, basically his big break and everything he's been working for. At the beginning of the ninth, HE TAKES HIMSELF OUT OF THE GAME TO GO CHASE DOWN THE GIRL HE'S KNOWN FOR ALL OF TWO MONTHS. Seriously. Perfect game. Ninth inning. Two months.
This is what happens when you try to take sports and make a girl movie out of it. I seriously had to explain why the ending was so stupid to my wife, who thought it was sweet. Luckily, she had me there to explain it to her, and she now understands how stupid it was and still refers to it as the worst ending ever. But all those stupid girls with their crushes on Freddy Prinze probably think it was awesome. It wasn't. I tried to burn down the theater that was showing this movie after I left, but I don't know how to make fire with sticks and twigs so I kicked the side of the building instead. So angry. Here's Billy Simmons' review of Summer Catch, if you're looking for something a little more indepth. And here's a video of Jessica Biel from that movie, so we can all feel better instead of bitterly angry and ready to kill.
Thanks for reading all these 8 billion words. I feel slightly better now.
[NOTE: I originally wrote this 3.5 years ago, but I am feeling stuck for creativity, stumbled across it, and laughed once or twice, so we're reposting. I probably have three readers in common from 3.5 years ago anyway. Also Rudy sucks and if you disagree I will fight you.]
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Week in Review - 5/30/2011
Another excellent Memorial Day weekend, probably the best weekend of the year. I caught the biggest crappie, biggest northern, and biggest bass out of everybody at the cabin, and while this would usually be the point where I'd brag about how awesome I am - and I am - but pretty much everybody killed it, or at least as much as we could when it wasn't too windy. We collectively caught a ton of crappies that all ranked among the biggest we ever caught at the cabin, and in one stretch of about 45 minutes out on the boat we caught 15 northerns. It was totally awesome. You're so jealous. Anyway I'm really tired so you can expect a definite half-assed effort here.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Nick Blackburn. Generally he's pretty overrated, but I get it - good lookin' guy, killer side burns, little bit of a "I don't care what anybody think about me" beard, unflappable on the mound, and just a cool, calm guy who can absolutely shut down a team once in a while, so I get it. If you actually look at stats and whatnot, however, he's generally been pretty bad over his career, even finishing in the top 4 in hits allowed twice in his career. I have to give it up to him, however, because he has somehow become the team's only reliable pitcher - the only one you know will keep you in the game this year.
In his six games pitched in the month of May his worst outing would have been today - 6ip, 7 hits, 5 runs. Using Game Score (I won't bore you but it's explained mid-page right here) that comes out as a 40. Looking at every other Twins starter they've only equaled or beaten that score 19 times between five guys, and only 16 times prior to this weekend before the hapless Angels gave everybody a boost. Blackie's average for the month was 59, a score only reached by a non-Blackburn twin 7 times. All of which is a nerdy way of saying that an average Nick Blackburn outing is probably better than the best any other Twin can pitch right now, which is actually of really succinctly summing out just how crappy this season is going.
2. Mike Miller. This already feels like a million years ago but technically it happened last week, but did you see Miller against the Bulls in those final two games? After playing sparingly in the first two playoff rounds and even in the first 3 games versus Chicago he suddenly burst back onto the scene and played 26 and 24 minutes in games 4 and 5, averaging 10 pts and 8 rebs in the two games and, no joke, was probably the biggest reason the Heat won game 4 and swung the series. No kidding if you watched it he registered the majority of his stats in the fourth and absolutely was the difference in that game. There's a decent change he'll matter again against Dallas, but let me tell you watching him in that fourth quarter was jarring and a reminder of how good he used to be. At Florida, I mean, when he played a complete game, not the jump-shooting nancy boy he became in the NBA.
3. Bartolo Colon. I will admit that I thought Colon was a big-fat tub of goo who was basically washed up and done and when the Yankees signed him I was like "good, suck it Yankees you queers!" but well fuck me I guess. Colon shut out the A's today on just four hits while striking out six, and now has just a 3.26 ERA on the year. And I don't care because the Yankees are still stupid and still suck and Bartolo is still fat and has a stupid name. He's probably going to give up eleventeen runs his next time out, assuming he's not throwing at the Twins.
4. Carl Crawford. Well it's about time, Mr. Crawford. After signing that huge contract with the Red Sox he's been one of the biggest disappointments of the year and was sort of the symbol for Red Sox suckage to start the season, but he's starting to turn it around. Well, he's had a few good games, I should say, including a 4-4 with 2 doubles and a homer on Wednesday and 4-5 with two triples the next day. Then I went out of town and now I just looked up his next few games and they were 0-4, 0-3, and 0-4. So who knows. He's still just hitting .232/.267/.362 now for the year, which sounds bad but would be the fifth highest OPS on the Twins. Wow. Fifth highest on the worst team in the league. I guess he's still really bad. But at least he had a good week. Has any twin had even a single 4-hit game this year? Looking it up, yes. Span had 4 hits April 13th and Cuddyer had four the day before. So the Twins have gone nearly two months without a 4-hit game from a single player, and one the season have as many as Carl Crawford, the guy synonymous with disappointing player this year, had in one week. This season is so much fun.
5. Michael Morse. I seriously have no idea who this guy is, but I do a lot of wagering on individual players and the Nationals have been a gold mine to bet against players not getting an rbi or not scoring a run in a game. So every time I see Washington has scored a run I have to look up immediately how they scored to see if I lost a bet and need to punish myself. So that's how I know that Morse hit a home run on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Monday and in that stretch he's knocked in 11 of his team's total 27 runs. So I picked up in Fantasy. Stay tuned to find out if I'm a genius, like I was with Charlie Morton.
WHO SUCKED
1. Derrick Rose. No lie, it was kind of tough to watch Rose those last couple of games against Miami. The good news is he clearly wanted the ball, was the leader, and was aggressive. The bad news was he couldn't have scored with your mom after a glass of white zin. He's still one of the best in the NBA and he'll be fine and all, but yuck. More here if you need it.
2. Kevin Durant. Much the same as Rose, Durant certainly didn't do himself any favors in the final few games against the Mavericks. In game 3 he was 0-8 from three, in game 4 he turned it over 9 times including a killer down the stretch where he just straight lost control of the ball, and overall he shot just 23% from three for the series. I love the guy and he's obviously one of a handful of people you'd consider as your #1 choice if you were starting a franchise, but I almost wonder if he needs a littler more killer in his blood. I'm interested to see if any kind of possible feud develops between him and Westbrook. You can only have one alpha on a team, and it's obvious to everyone that Durant should be that alpha - obvious to everyone except Durant and Westbrook. Pay attention. You'll see.
3. Washington Nationals. It's hard to believe a team could be as bad as the Twins - because that's actually impossible so the joke's on you - but Washington is bad, bad, bad. They're 1-8 in their last 9 and have given up five or more runs in six of those games while scoring three or less runs in five (we've already talked about that offense above). That's a bad combination. Also a bad combination? Their rotation. Jason Marquis and Livan Hernandez in the same rotation? Possibly the two worst pitchers of the last five years? Seriously that's like the pitching equivalent of a middle infield combination of Alexi Casilla and Matt Tolbert, as if anybody would be dumb enough to roll with those two.
4. Joakim Soria. Did I, or did I not, tell you about this? I did, because I'm a genius and so much smarter than you. Soria's week - 2/3 inning, 3 runs allowed, blown save - 1 good ip in a meaningless 12-7 game - 2/3 ip, 2 runs allowed, blown save - 1 ip, 3 runs allowed, blown save. He now has an ERA of almost 7 and is seven for twelve in save opps after having now blown 4 of his last 5. Done. And I told you so.
5. Car Racing. I normally wouldn't bother to include car racing in the sucks column since it always sucks - I mean, come on man, it's just cars driving in a circle and whoever has the fastest car wins, you know it, I know it, and racing fans know it no matter what they try to say - but tonight was a special case. I only know this because it was all over the radio when I was driving back from the cabin, but now we have special proof of how stupid it all is. There were two big races this weekend, one in each league (called, I believe, NASCAR and NASCAR2), and in one some dude was winning until the very last turn on the last lap where, for some unknown reason, he drove straight in a wall despite having a big lead and ended up finishing second, and the other where some dude was winning almost until the end when he ran out of gas. He ran out of gas. He ran out of gas in car racing. That would be like a baseball player going out into the field without his glove (I would guess Casilla almost does this twice a week) or a basketball player not wearing shoes. So dumb. But honestly if you like racing you probably don't own a computer so you can't read this and your Memorial Day BBQ likely consisted of squirrel or possum or whatever you ran over in your truck recently (you know, your truck with a door that's a different color than the rest of the truck and has a sticker of calvin pissing on a logo on the back window, along with an "Ass, Cash, or Grass bumper sticker.) In conclusion, racing is stupid and so is your face.
Since I mentioned Memorial Day BBQ you're probably wondering what we had. So I will tell you. We simply had Kobe beef burgers on the grill (lightly seasoned with salt and pepper - you don't want to mess with these too much - and topped with provolone), corn on the cob (garlic and herb butter), and really excellent cauliflower gratin that Mrs. W made. It was excellent, and I highly recommend going for the Kobe burgers once in a while. They're about twice the price of regular burger patties and about 3 times more than lump burger you form yourself, but holy crap they were worth it. Also, before any smartass posts a comment here, I will come clean and admit I screwed up cooking turkey burgers and brats on the grill this weekend, but in my defense I haven't cooked on a charcoal grill since we got our sweet gas one about 6 years ago. Plus everything was fine once my dad figured out the bottom grate was closed. So shut up.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Nick Blackburn. Generally he's pretty overrated, but I get it - good lookin' guy, killer side burns, little bit of a "I don't care what anybody think about me" beard, unflappable on the mound, and just a cool, calm guy who can absolutely shut down a team once in a while, so I get it. If you actually look at stats and whatnot, however, he's generally been pretty bad over his career, even finishing in the top 4 in hits allowed twice in his career. I have to give it up to him, however, because he has somehow become the team's only reliable pitcher - the only one you know will keep you in the game this year.
In his six games pitched in the month of May his worst outing would have been today - 6ip, 7 hits, 5 runs. Using Game Score (I won't bore you but it's explained mid-page right here) that comes out as a 40. Looking at every other Twins starter they've only equaled or beaten that score 19 times between five guys, and only 16 times prior to this weekend before the hapless Angels gave everybody a boost. Blackie's average for the month was 59, a score only reached by a non-Blackburn twin 7 times. All of which is a nerdy way of saying that an average Nick Blackburn outing is probably better than the best any other Twin can pitch right now, which is actually of really succinctly summing out just how crappy this season is going.
2. Mike Miller. This already feels like a million years ago but technically it happened last week, but did you see Miller against the Bulls in those final two games? After playing sparingly in the first two playoff rounds and even in the first 3 games versus Chicago he suddenly burst back onto the scene and played 26 and 24 minutes in games 4 and 5, averaging 10 pts and 8 rebs in the two games and, no joke, was probably the biggest reason the Heat won game 4 and swung the series. No kidding if you watched it he registered the majority of his stats in the fourth and absolutely was the difference in that game. There's a decent change he'll matter again against Dallas, but let me tell you watching him in that fourth quarter was jarring and a reminder of how good he used to be. At Florida, I mean, when he played a complete game, not the jump-shooting nancy boy he became in the NBA.
3. Bartolo Colon. I will admit that I thought Colon was a big-fat tub of goo who was basically washed up and done and when the Yankees signed him I was like "good, suck it Yankees you queers!" but well fuck me I guess. Colon shut out the A's today on just four hits while striking out six, and now has just a 3.26 ERA on the year. And I don't care because the Yankees are still stupid and still suck and Bartolo is still fat and has a stupid name. He's probably going to give up eleventeen runs his next time out, assuming he's not throwing at the Twins.
4. Carl Crawford. Well it's about time, Mr. Crawford. After signing that huge contract with the Red Sox he's been one of the biggest disappointments of the year and was sort of the symbol for Red Sox suckage to start the season, but he's starting to turn it around. Well, he's had a few good games, I should say, including a 4-4 with 2 doubles and a homer on Wednesday and 4-5 with two triples the next day. Then I went out of town and now I just looked up his next few games and they were 0-4, 0-3, and 0-4. So who knows. He's still just hitting .232/.267/.362 now for the year, which sounds bad but would be the fifth highest OPS on the Twins. Wow. Fifth highest on the worst team in the league. I guess he's still really bad. But at least he had a good week. Has any twin had even a single 4-hit game this year? Looking it up, yes. Span had 4 hits April 13th and Cuddyer had four the day before. So the Twins have gone nearly two months without a 4-hit game from a single player, and one the season have as many as Carl Crawford, the guy synonymous with disappointing player this year, had in one week. This season is so much fun.
5. Michael Morse. I seriously have no idea who this guy is, but I do a lot of wagering on individual players and the Nationals have been a gold mine to bet against players not getting an rbi or not scoring a run in a game. So every time I see Washington has scored a run I have to look up immediately how they scored to see if I lost a bet and need to punish myself. So that's how I know that Morse hit a home run on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Monday and in that stretch he's knocked in 11 of his team's total 27 runs. So I picked up in Fantasy. Stay tuned to find out if I'm a genius, like I was with Charlie Morton.
WHO SUCKED
1. Derrick Rose. No lie, it was kind of tough to watch Rose those last couple of games against Miami. The good news is he clearly wanted the ball, was the leader, and was aggressive. The bad news was he couldn't have scored with your mom after a glass of white zin. He's still one of the best in the NBA and he'll be fine and all, but yuck. More here if you need it.
2. Kevin Durant. Much the same as Rose, Durant certainly didn't do himself any favors in the final few games against the Mavericks. In game 3 he was 0-8 from three, in game 4 he turned it over 9 times including a killer down the stretch where he just straight lost control of the ball, and overall he shot just 23% from three for the series. I love the guy and he's obviously one of a handful of people you'd consider as your #1 choice if you were starting a franchise, but I almost wonder if he needs a littler more killer in his blood. I'm interested to see if any kind of possible feud develops between him and Westbrook. You can only have one alpha on a team, and it's obvious to everyone that Durant should be that alpha - obvious to everyone except Durant and Westbrook. Pay attention. You'll see.
3. Washington Nationals. It's hard to believe a team could be as bad as the Twins - because that's actually impossible so the joke's on you - but Washington is bad, bad, bad. They're 1-8 in their last 9 and have given up five or more runs in six of those games while scoring three or less runs in five (we've already talked about that offense above). That's a bad combination. Also a bad combination? Their rotation. Jason Marquis and Livan Hernandez in the same rotation? Possibly the two worst pitchers of the last five years? Seriously that's like the pitching equivalent of a middle infield combination of Alexi Casilla and Matt Tolbert, as if anybody would be dumb enough to roll with those two.
4. Joakim Soria. Did I, or did I not, tell you about this? I did, because I'm a genius and so much smarter than you. Soria's week - 2/3 inning, 3 runs allowed, blown save - 1 good ip in a meaningless 12-7 game - 2/3 ip, 2 runs allowed, blown save - 1 ip, 3 runs allowed, blown save. He now has an ERA of almost 7 and is seven for twelve in save opps after having now blown 4 of his last 5. Done. And I told you so.
5. Car Racing. I normally wouldn't bother to include car racing in the sucks column since it always sucks - I mean, come on man, it's just cars driving in a circle and whoever has the fastest car wins, you know it, I know it, and racing fans know it no matter what they try to say - but tonight was a special case. I only know this because it was all over the radio when I was driving back from the cabin, but now we have special proof of how stupid it all is. There were two big races this weekend, one in each league (called, I believe, NASCAR and NASCAR2), and in one some dude was winning until the very last turn on the last lap where, for some unknown reason, he drove straight in a wall despite having a big lead and ended up finishing second, and the other where some dude was winning almost until the end when he ran out of gas. He ran out of gas. He ran out of gas in car racing. That would be like a baseball player going out into the field without his glove (I would guess Casilla almost does this twice a week) or a basketball player not wearing shoes. So dumb. But honestly if you like racing you probably don't own a computer so you can't read this and your Memorial Day BBQ likely consisted of squirrel or possum or whatever you ran over in your truck recently (you know, your truck with a door that's a different color than the rest of the truck and has a sticker of calvin pissing on a logo on the back window, along with an "Ass, Cash, or Grass bumper sticker.) In conclusion, racing is stupid and so is your face.
Since I mentioned Memorial Day BBQ you're probably wondering what we had. So I will tell you. We simply had Kobe beef burgers on the grill (lightly seasoned with salt and pepper - you don't want to mess with these too much - and topped with provolone), corn on the cob (garlic and herb butter), and really excellent cauliflower gratin that Mrs. W made. It was excellent, and I highly recommend going for the Kobe burgers once in a while. They're about twice the price of regular burger patties and about 3 times more than lump burger you form yourself, but holy crap they were worth it. Also, before any smartass posts a comment here, I will come clean and admit I screwed up cooking turkey burgers and brats on the grill this weekend, but in my defense I haven't cooked on a charcoal grill since we got our sweet gas one about 6 years ago. Plus everything was fine once my dad figured out the bottom grate was closed. So shut up.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Oh Come On!
Obviously even the most casual and rational sports fan knows the NBA Lottery is occasionally rigged - Ewing to the Knicks, Webber (Penny) to the Magic, Duncan to the Spurs, and LeBron to the Cavs are all pretty obvious examples - but I've never seen a more obvious case of rigging than tonight. I mean really? In a draft with one of the most obvious number one picks in recent memory the Cleveland Cavaliers snagged the #1 pick, moving up from the 8th spot (a pick they acquired from the Clippers), just one year after their previous savior, franchise identity, city identity, and generally Mr. Cleveland personified ripped the city's heart out in the most public and humiliating way possible.
I mean come on. It's hard to feel too pissed because what LeBron did was a legitimate cold blooded move that brought the city to it's knees, not to mention Cleveland is such a moribund sports town that they could use some good fortune, but what the hell about us? The Gophers suck at everything and the one time they were good was only because they were cheating so badly that it's still the scandal against which all academic fraud is measured. The Vikings cycle in high/low spurts where the highs culminate in pure heartbreak. The Wolves haven't had a winning season since 1957. The Twins, the tough little engine that could until it ran into a big bad engine in the playoffs every year, have finally run out of gas and are sliding back down the hill into a canyon of doom. And the Wild, well, I don't actually know anything about them because hockey is for douchebags.
Sure, the Wolves got the #2 pick, which normally would be great. However this is a 1-player draft, even if I like Derrick Williams. Just like when they had the #3 pick in a two-player draft and were stuck with Laettner, or the #4 in a 3-player draft and got Donyell Marshall, or the #3 in a two-player draft and took OJ Mayo (ok that one worked out with the Love trade). Like I said I like Derrick Williams and think he'll be a solid pro, borderline all-star, and a good pick, but he's just non-consensus enough that the Wolves could end up talking themselves into some foreign dork or Tweener McGee (Kawhi Leonard). This just opens the door, again, for a chronically mismanaged franchise to get mismanaged again. Honest to god, if they ever wanted to contract a couple of teams in the NBA can you come up with a single possible argument against getting rid of the Wolves? I sure as hell can't.
God I hate sports. Even our one great shining hope year after year is now dead, with the Twins sucking worse than your mom. I don't even know where it ends. 1998 NFC Championship game. 41-donut. Swept by the Yankees every year. Final Four berth stripped. Monson. McHale. Brewster. David Ortiz winning a championship. Kevin Garnett winning a championship. Randy Moss breaking every receiving record with the Patriots. The Joe Smith debacle. Isaiah Junior J.R. Jay Rider. Sex boat. Favre throwing across his body. The Randy Moss trade. Marty Cordova. The Johan Santana trade. Troy Williamson. Ndudi Ebi. Marbury forcing his way out and killing the future. Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau's constant injuries. Olowokandi and the taser. Gopher basketball players fleeing the program. The mismanagement of Rico Tucker. Malik Sealy. Gopher basketball rapists. Gopher football rapists. Darko's contract. Baseball from 1993-2000. Gopher basketball since 2000. Gopher football since the 40s. Latrell Sprewell and feeding his family. Sid Hartman. Patrick Reusse. Paul Allen. Jeff Dubay. Alexi Casilla.
I am sure I could go on, but after Casilla I just can't do it anymore. I was planning on writing more but what's the point. I think I'm going to start watching SyFy movies again. They don't break my heart. As much.
I mean come on. It's hard to feel too pissed because what LeBron did was a legitimate cold blooded move that brought the city to it's knees, not to mention Cleveland is such a moribund sports town that they could use some good fortune, but what the hell about us? The Gophers suck at everything and the one time they were good was only because they were cheating so badly that it's still the scandal against which all academic fraud is measured. The Vikings cycle in high/low spurts where the highs culminate in pure heartbreak. The Wolves haven't had a winning season since 1957. The Twins, the tough little engine that could until it ran into a big bad engine in the playoffs every year, have finally run out of gas and are sliding back down the hill into a canyon of doom. And the Wild, well, I don't actually know anything about them because hockey is for douchebags.
Sure, the Wolves got the #2 pick, which normally would be great. However this is a 1-player draft, even if I like Derrick Williams. Just like when they had the #3 pick in a two-player draft and were stuck with Laettner, or the #4 in a 3-player draft and got Donyell Marshall, or the #3 in a two-player draft and took OJ Mayo (ok that one worked out with the Love trade). Like I said I like Derrick Williams and think he'll be a solid pro, borderline all-star, and a good pick, but he's just non-consensus enough that the Wolves could end up talking themselves into some foreign dork or Tweener McGee (Kawhi Leonard). This just opens the door, again, for a chronically mismanaged franchise to get mismanaged again. Honest to god, if they ever wanted to contract a couple of teams in the NBA can you come up with a single possible argument against getting rid of the Wolves? I sure as hell can't.
God I hate sports. Even our one great shining hope year after year is now dead, with the Twins sucking worse than your mom. I don't even know where it ends. 1998 NFC Championship game. 41-donut. Swept by the Yankees every year. Final Four berth stripped. Monson. McHale. Brewster. David Ortiz winning a championship. Kevin Garnett winning a championship. Randy Moss breaking every receiving record with the Patriots. The Joe Smith debacle. Isaiah Junior J.R. Jay Rider. Sex boat. Favre throwing across his body. The Randy Moss trade. Marty Cordova. The Johan Santana trade. Troy Williamson. Ndudi Ebi. Marbury forcing his way out and killing the future. Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau's constant injuries. Olowokandi and the taser. Gopher basketball players fleeing the program. The mismanagement of Rico Tucker. Malik Sealy. Gopher basketball rapists. Gopher football rapists. Darko's contract. Baseball from 1993-2000. Gopher basketball since 2000. Gopher football since the 40s. Latrell Sprewell and feeding his family. Sid Hartman. Patrick Reusse. Paul Allen. Jeff Dubay. Alexi Casilla.
I am sure I could go on, but after Casilla I just can't do it anymore. I was planning on writing more but what's the point. I think I'm going to start watching SyFy movies again. They don't break my heart. As much.
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