Week in Review - 10/31/2011

You know you've missed it. 

WHO WAS AWESOME


1.  Gopher football.  Awesome is probably a bit strong, but when the team is looking, convincingly, like they're unlikely to win another football game all year and there's no reason to root for them to lose because, it turns out, there's no draft picks in college football, this win is a bit of a relief, and the fact that it comes against Iowa, even in a down year for them, makes it all the sweeter.  I thought the storming of the field was a bit much and kind of embarrassing, but I'm probably not the right person to make that judgement (full disclosure:  I watched maybe 10 minutes of the game).  For those sickos that live and die with the Gopher football squadron, perhaps this was a "storm the field" worthy event.  Too each is own, even the weird psychos.

2.  Case Keenum.   You know the drill with Houston QBs by now - or at least you should - and Keenum is the latest big numbers Cougar QB, and Thursday against Rice might have been his magnum opus as he threw for 534 yards and 9, yes 9, touchdowns, an NCAA record, all while setting the all-time record for career TD passes.  So yeah, he puts up huge numbers, no doubt.  But there's a reason Andre Ware and David Klingler flamed out in the NFL and Kevin Kolb seems to be heading in that direction.  There's a reason Timmy Change and Colt Brennan and Graham Harrell aren't playing on Sundays and Ty Detmer was a career back-up.  Gimmicky offenses can put up big numbers and even win games when you aren't playing great teams, but NFL success is certainly not tied to it - and may even be inversely proportional.  That being said, Houston has perfected this system and used it for years, and it's god damn fun to watch. 

3.  Justin Blackmon.  Oklahoma State has a big-time offense.  They're third in the NCAA in total offense, fourth in passing offense, and second in points scored.  So yeah, they're putting up big numbers.  That's why when one player accounts for over half the team's catches and more than 62% of their passing yards, which Blackmon did with his 13 catch-172 yard-2 TD game in a 59-24 win over Baylor, it's worth mentioning.  Of course, it's not like this is out of the ordinary for Blackmon, who is top-3 in the Big 12 in catches, yards, and touchdowns and is 4th, 14th, and 2nd in all of NCAA D-I.  He's an interesting case because he clearly is in a class above college d-backs, but scouts say he lacks the true speed that a top flight NFL receiver needs and the stats bare that out - his ypc of 11.3 is 28th in the B12 and 275th in D-I.   He could end up an NFL star, a possession receiver, or even a complete washout and I wouldn't be surprised at this point.  If I had to bet I'd lean star, but those ypc and 4-time measurements are a concern.  For now though, he's nearly unstoppable.


4.  Cam Newton.  It's not often that I admit I'm wrong - mainly because it hardly ever happens - but I missed the boat on Newton big-time.  I thought Auburn tailored their offense to fit his talents so much that he wouldn't have a shot at transitioning to an NFL scheme because you actually have to make more than one read.  Even after he burst on the scene with that 400 yard passing game I figured it was just fluky, and still was in that camp when he did it a second time.  All season he's put up good numbers and I've convinced myself it was fake somehow, but after watching him on Sunday there's no doubt in my mind that he's got a real shot to be a star, and at worst will be a quality NFL QB.  I suppose there's still a chance he ends up more Kordell Stewart than Randall Cunningham (because we can only compare black QBs to black QBs, you see), but he is already one hell of a QB.  

5. Steven Jackson.  The Rams picked up their first win of the season on Sunday and did it in pretty impressive fashion, taking out an awfully good Saints team 31-21 and doing it with A.J. Feeley playing quarterback.  Of course the reason they were able to pull it off had very little to do with Feeley, and mainly happened because Jackson pulled a Kirby Puckett moment and put the whole team on his back.  Jackson rushed for 159 yards and 2 TDs and added 32 more yards receiving, all of which means he ended up accounting for over half the Rams yards in the game.  I don't really have anything interesting to add, just thought it was notable because I've had Jackson on a couple of my fantasy teams and he's been pissing me off all year.  Nice to see him do something.  Jerk.


WHO SUCKED

1.   Ron Washington.  I don't know how else to say it, but this guy is a terrible game manager, more married to old school ways than even Ron Gardenhire, which is extra funny because he was actually a coach on those Oakland A's teams when Moneyball was written.  And even if you forget all about his constant infatuation with sacrifice bunts and stealing bases/hit and runs, he made some just horrible calls.  After the rainout he could have saved Derek Holland and pitched him in Game 7 - following up his nearly complete game shutout in Game 4 - but instead used him in relief (instead of Mike Adams or Mike Gonzalez, relief specialists they traded for at the deadline) and used a shaky Matt Harrison in Game 7 instead.  Then there's the constant use of Alexi Ogando out of the pen despite the clear evidence that he was gassed, Esteban German being used as a pinch-hitter more than Mitch Moreland, and Mike Adams pitching fewer innings than Darren Oliver.  I wouldn't blame him for the Rangers losing, after all they have to play the games and it's not like he can run for Ian Kinsler or tie a rope around his waist to keep him from getting picked off like those weird parents who put their kids on leashes and they make them all cute like a monkey backpack but we all know it's a leash you weirdo, but he sure didn't help.

2. Wisconsin.  It's so sweet.  The dirty dirtball Badgers, looking by all rights to be a legit contender to make the BCS National Championship game (where they would have no doubt gotten embarrassed) just straight blew everything to hell.  Two weeks ago they lost at Michigan State on that hail mary which was sweet as your mom's ass and knocked them pretty much out of national title contention, and just to make sure this season goes down as a complete disaster in Sconnietown they lost on Saturday against a super crappy Ohio State team.  That, of course, gives them two losses and essentially knocks them completely out of any kind of BCS bowl contention.  All that has to happen now is Green Bay to not win the Super Bowl and the Badger hoop team to miss the tournament and you gotta call it a pretty good year.  Yes, apparently it's come to this.

3. Kevin Kolb.  Oh my god this guy is terrible.  I mean, he's just awful.  I got to see a little bit of the Zona/Baltimore game and he holds the ball too long and then makes terrible decisions/throws when he does finally get rid of it.  Even worse, when Peyton went down I needed a QB for my keeper league team and after getting snaked on Stafford I ended up going for Kolb as my "QB of the future."  Christ on a cracker that isn't working out.  I've since traded for Sam Bradford but since he's been in a walking boot (I don't even know what that means - as Nancy Sinatra said all boots are made for walkin') for two weeks I've actually started Christian Ponder over Kolb.  And now, after finally getting to watch him, he's about to be cut and we're going to roll with Ponder until Bradford gets unhurt.  WHAT A GREAT DRAFT PICK BY ME THAT WAS! 

4.  Tony Romo.  Is it just me, or does Romo play well against crappy teams and then always fall on his dick whenever he's playing anybody good or in a big game?  This goes all the way back to the time he dropped that snap in the playoff game, but he might have saved his best for tonight against the Eagles, a prime time that was supposed to be a big chance for Dallas to make a statement - and I suppose they did.  He was just garbage.  Other than a bunch of late, garbage-time yards and a fluky 70-yard touchdown he did nothing, and he's killing Dez Bryant, maybe the most talented receiver in the game.  I almost hope they somehow manage to make the playoffs just so we can watch Romo destroy all Cowboy fans' hopes and dreams.  Because that's always fun.

5.  Tim Tebow.  This experiment can't go on for too much longer, can it?  He's just terrible.  I get the allure, both from a skills standpoint as well as a PR/publicity/marketing standpoint and there are an enormous amount of people out there (and Jesus) who desperately want him to succeed.  But it's just not going to happen.  He's terrible.  He's what I thought Cam Newton was going to be.  His accuracy on his throws is far below Michael freaking Vick, and I'm pretty sure if he and Terrelle Pryor had an "accuracy-off" Pryor would actually win, probably the only person in America he could beat.  There's basically no chance the Broncos win another game if they stick with him.  


And I will always be thankful to sports jesus, who makes sure that just as the World Series is ending and you feel all sad about it, you don't have long to feel bad because the only other sport that matters, college basketball, is already here.  Yeah, that's right.  You might not even be aware of it, but both Michigan State and Missouri played (and won) exhibition games on Sunday heralding the beginning of the college hoops season.  (NOTE:  I'm sure other teams played too, these are just the two I am aware of).  Of Note:  MSU's freshman power forward Branden Dawson had a nice debut, leading the team with 15 points and 9 rebounds (and 14 field goal attempts) while Draymond Green seems already settled in the dude they run the offense through, going for 11 points, 6 rebounds, and 8 assists, which shouldn't really be a surprise because he's awfully damn good.  Seriously, we're gonna see at least a couple triple-doubles out of him this year.  With no real point guard he's going to basically run that team.  You could do a lot worse.



Finally, because I haven't talked nearly enough cooking lately and with college hoops firing up I probably won't, here's a pretty stellar Jamaican Jerk rub I used over the weekend:

1 T Coriander
1 T Brown Sugar
1 T Ginger
1/2 T Onion Powder
1/2 T Garlic Powder
1/2 T Salt
1/2 T Cayenne Pepper
1 t Black Pepper
1 t Thyme
1/2 t Cinnamon
1/2 t allspice
1/2 t cloves

Combine, throw it in a baggie/bowl with some wings or drumsticks and coat, then toss in a crockpot on low for 3-5 hours.  The ginger smells really strongly and you'll end up worrying you're making ginger wings, but they end up just fine.  Give 'her a shot.


Also Happy Halloween, jerks!  I hope at least one of you gets hit by a truck.

World Series Game 6 (plus Tyus Jones and fantasy college basketball updates!!)

Watching Game 6.  Typing stuff.  Let's go.

-  Game update - It's 2-2 in the 3rd.  Nick Punto recently tried to kill Chris Carpenter by throwing his bat at him.  No big deal though, he threw it in a gritty way.

-  So the big news in Gopher hoop news is that Tyus Jones, the all-world 10th grader who is ranked as the 5th best sophomore and #1 point guard in the country according to ESPN, came out in an interview and didn't mention the Gophers.   This is, of course, big news because keeping instate recruits, especially at this level, and raising the level of talent coming to Minnesota was supposed to be one of the reasons Tubby Smith was hired, and because Jones would likely be the most important commit in Gopher history if Tubby was able to secure it.  A few points, if I may:

• First thing, ignore the sensationalist headline and keep in mind that when he mentions "Arizona, Michigan State, Ohio State, and Duke" as the schools he's seriously considering he's not just talking about himself.  He is talking about the schools where he and fellow sophomore Jahlil Okafor, a center from Chicago who is ranked #3 by ESPN, are looking at attending together.  It isn't his "official" list.

• There have been a lot of these "we're going to play together" deals, especially when kids are younger like Tyus and Jahlil.  Rarely do they end up happening.  I'd give you an example but I can't think of one.  In any case, Tyus could certainly still consider the Gophers as a strong possibility for himself if he goes his own way from Okafor.

• All that being said, Jones has never come out and said Minnesota is a leader and he's never given me the feeling that he's even seriously considering the U, so it shouldn't exactly be a surprise that the Gophers aren't high on his radar.  Once teams like Kansas, Duke, Michigan State, etc. come calling, the Gophers don't look all that attractive even to many home town kids.  It's a sad reality, but it's a reality.   Remember Naadir Tharpe?  Not a hometown kid, but a kid who had narrowed his choices to Minnesota or Rutgers.  When Rutgers secured a commitment from a different point guard and it seemed inevitable he was going to be a Gopher.  At the last minute Kansas got involved, and like 2 days later he committed to the Jayhawks.  The power programs are power programs for a reason. 

• Tubby HAS reversed the trend of the best Minnesota kids leaving the state.    Going back to 2006 the biggest recruits in the state were Isaiah Dahlman, Cole Aldrich, Jon Leuer, Jared Berggren, and Jordan Taylor, and to the best of my knowledge none of them even considered Minnesota.  Since 2008 the top kids have been Royce White, Rodney Williams, and Joe Coleman - all Gophers.  One miss does not mean he's not doing his job.  By all accounts Tubby has been after Tyus hard.

• But no matter what you do, once a kid hits that level of accomplishment, that level of stardom, and starts receiving those kinds of accolades and has his pick of schools, he will nearly always go to a premier program rather than stay home to try to revive his home town school.  Looking at the Rivals top 10 from 2007-2011 , the only kids I found who actually stayed home were kids whose home town school was a national powerhouse and/or "premier" programs (Sullinger to Ohio State, Bullock to UNC, Holliday to UCLA, Mullens to Ohio State, and Gordon to Indiana),  There were only three exceptions - Perry Jones to Baylor (although technically he lived closer to SMU), Derrick Favors to G-Tech, and Demar DeRozan to USC.  So out of five years and 50 kids, only 3 stayed home to help their hometown school - this was a long shot to begin with.

• A lot can change in the next couple of years, and maybe Tubby will re-energize the program, finally, and maybe Tyus will catch the fever and decide he wants to be a Gopher (and bring his buddy with him).  But I wouldn't consider it likely.  No matter who the coach is, Minnesota isn't the kind of school that gets these kids.  It just is what it is.  Tubby needs to get good, talented kids he can coach up, freaking keep them, and hope that every few years lightning hits and the Gophers are a Sweet 16 team with possible upside.  That's the reality folks.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love it.

This is GOLDEN.  GOPHER.  BASKETBALL.  (Get it.  You want it to be really good but it's just mediocre but you keep watching because you really hope it's going to get better and maybe they'll be a sweet dinosaur that shows up.

-  Dropped pop-up by Holliday after a miscommunication with Furcal.  You know who doesn't miscommunicate there?  Nick Punto.

-  Napoli knocks him in.  Of course he does.  I never realized how good a hitter that guy was.  He snuck up on me, just like that little sister of the girl you went to high school with and knew really well and she was always your little buddy and then all of a sudden it's the summer before your senior year and she's going into 10th grade and she comes into Blockbuster where you work and it's all BAM! boobs and the hotness and it's weird and sweaty.  I've heard.

Like this, only if instead of it being school it was Blockbuster and if the girl was way hotter

-  Throwing error on St. Lou's pitcher.  Looking like we might be witnessing the implosion to end the season.  Stay tuned.

-  Or not.  3-2 Rangers.

-  Oh, right.  You wanted to know how my Fantasy College Basketball Draft was going.  Well here she is:

• ROUND 1 - TREVOR MBAKWE, F, MINNESOTA:  When you're in a college basketball draft with bunches of players who you might not even see on TV this year and a hometown boy should go somewhere near where you're picking, you take him.  I picked 9th, and after what I thought was a clear top 5 (Tu Holloway, Jared Sullinger, Harrison Barnes, Terrence Jones, and Jordan Taylor) it's pretty wide open after that.  Mbakwe is somewhere on that second tier, and with a legit chance to put up 18-12-2-1-2 with 60% shooting this year, I had to take him.

• ROUND 2 - DEE BOST, G, MISS STATE:  Bost managed to average north of 6 assists per game last year while scoring 15 points per contest.  His shooting percentage is a atrocious, but he's going to dominate the ball and put up some serious numbers.

• ROUND 3 - DREW GORDON, F, NEW MEXICO:   I love this pick.  He was the Mountain West newcomer of the year last season and is the front-runner for player of the year this year.  He could easily put up the same numbers as Mbakwe, but I got him three rounds later.

• ROUND 4 - JOSH SMITH, C, UCLA:  He slimmed down a bit and he's also had the talent, hopefully he's a little more motivated this year - and that weight loss is a good sign.  I'm a little bit nervous because the Wear twins are there now and he could end up losing playing time, but he was good last year with the talent to be great, and we start 3 centers so they're at a premium with 13 teams in the league.

•  ROUND 5 - ALLEN CRABBE, G, CAL:  Team was looking a little bit too front-court heavy, so I went with an all-around guard who can help out in most categories.  I regret this one a bit and am thinking I should have gone with Ramone Moore from Temple, but they're pretty similar statistically. 

• ROUND 6 - ANDREW SMITH, C, BUTLER:  I considered Smith a nice sleeper at C, but a huge run on the position caused me to move earlier than I wanted to.  Remember we start 3 centers, and in the last 10 picks prior to me going here Augustus Gilchrist (So Fl), Ralph Sampson (lol), Kenny Frease (Xavier), Reggie Johnson (Miami), and Greg Echenique (Creighton) - all centers - were taken.  I expect Smith to see a nice jump in production with Howard gone, and it was either get my 2nd center here or just forget about it altogether.  I still have some nice sleepers I can't mention here because stupid TRE reads this blog and is in the league, but I feel much better with 2 solid centers on board.

-  Error by Michael Young to open the bottom of the 4th.  I swear this is like watching adapted softball.

-  A 4-pitch walk, and then Andrus throws the ball about 200 feet too high trying to turn the double-play.  What an ugly game.  It's like watching the Twins play the Twins.

-  Top 5, now a 3-3 game and David Freese drops a pop-up.  He drops a pop-up.  He.  drops.  a.  pop-up.  So bizarre right now.  Nobody wants to win.

-  Aaaand I just missed a shitload of the game because my daughter is a psychopath.  It's now the bottom of the sixth, we're tied 4-4 with the bases loaded and one out, and Nick Punto is up.  I'm not going to lie to you, I totally have an erection right now.

-  Matt Holliday picked off third.  Wow.  And according to the inning summary Michael Young made another error as well.  Pretty good chance this is the worst played world series game in history.  Of course Nick Punto was involved.

-  Alexi Ogando just walked Punto to re-load the bases, which means if Matt Holliday didn't have his head up his ass (note:  that is valid for this entire series) the Cardinals take the lead.  Instead the bases are loaded for Jon Jay.  If I'm the Rangers I like my chances here.  Of course, Nick Punto just walked for like the 8th time this series, so whatevs.

-  Jay grounds out to the pitcher.  Colored me shocked.  Which would probably be some shade of blue.

-  Beltre goes yard to lead off the 7th, giving Texas teh lead and winning a bet for me.  Nice.

-  Cruz home run, which probably loses a bet for me.  The lord giveth and he taketh away.  But at least he digs gambling.

-  Nice work Lance Lynn, by the way.  I'm just stunned someone with your name is a terrible pitcher.  It's such a manly name you'd think you'd be throwing gas in the upper 90s and mixing in some filthy breaking stuff.  Instead it's like watching Jamie Moyer but if he never changed speeds.  I'm pretty sure Lance Lynn is the worst pitcher and person ever.  I heard he likes to torture kittens and kick babies.

-  Jesus christ there are five minutes left in this Houston/Rice football and Case Keenum has 483 yards passing with 8 TD passes.  Yes 8.  Houston is just ridiculous.  I don't know that it's even football they play, but they've perfected it.  Sure, there are wannabes like Texas Tech, but nobody has been able to perfectly copy whatever Houston's system is.  Both Andre Ware and David Klingler?  And now this Keenum cat?  Not to mention Kevin Kolb who is heading in that direction.  Just brilliant.  And all this with Donnie Avery being the only WR of note there ever, and I'm not even sure he's of note but I've heard of him because of my unhealthy love of Sam "Six Killer" Bradford.  Also this is way too long of a paragraph talking about a Houston QB.  I miss Rodney Peete.  Who has nothing to do with anything.  I really don't know where that came from.

-  I got to see the new Muppet movie last night as a sneak preview (comes out in a month).  Wonderbaby^TM liked it and so did I.  It was weird because the whole message of the movie was pretty much "Hey you've forgotten about the Muppets but they were a huge part of you life and guess what they're still awesome" and that's pretty much exactly how I felt.  I didn't really even realize how big they were in my own life, but watching this movie I remember every character, every bit, and every joke and when Kermit and the gang sang "Rainbow Connection" it was, no kidding, totally awesome.  Especially when Animal rocks out.  It was just so much fun. 

-  AAAAAH Derek Holland's mustache is back!   Also is Mike Adams dead?

-  Allen Craig goes yard here in the bottom of the 8th to make it a 7-5 ball game, filling in for the "injured" Matt Holliday.  Injured?  Well considering how lost he's looked at the plate, in the field, and on the base paths he better be injured and hopefully for him it's some sort of brain injury.  He's been absolutely terrible.

-  Tivo'd the new Beavis and Butthead tonight.  Gotta at least give it a shot, right?  For old, awesome times, sake? 

-  Weird play, but I guess it's fitting with tonight's theme of sucky plays.  Daniel LaRusso hits a routine grounder to Andrus who looks at second (runner on 1st) despite it being a pretty easy out, double pumps, throws it in the dirt to first and even though it's cleanly picked LaRusso beats it out like he beat up Johnny Lawrence.  Runner safe.  So weird.

-  Base knock for Jay, bases loaded.  Molina, of course, couldn't score because he's slower than dirt and he's still on the base paths because LaRussa will never, ever, take him out because of his defense.  Also the music guy at Busch is playing a little House of Pain here so I'm pretty sure Furcal's clearing the bases here.

-  Groundout to the pitcher.  Might as well have played a little Dido.

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why-y-y, we traded for Fur-cal.

-   My favorite part of this World Series is now when Tim McCarver said, "A home run doesn't tie it" when there was nobody on base and the Cardinals were down by two.  You can't pay for that kind of insight.  And Pujols just doubled with one out, so now a home run does tie it.  I think.  McCarver hasn't weighed in yet.  He's pretty much a slightly younger, more well-paid Sid Hartman, right?

-  Walk.  Things are interesting.

-  Feliz just froze Craig for strike 3.  And that pitch was a hanging slider.  Should have smoked that one.  Now just one out to go. 

-  I have a feeling Freese wants to walk here.  Looks like he has a giant Louisville Slugger in his rectum.  Also I hardly knew 'em.

-  Shows what I know because Freese just smoked one to the wall to tie the game and now he's sitting on third - the winning run.  Luckily Nelson Cruz's athleticism is approaching Manny from Modern Family levels.

-  We're going to extras.  And I'm supposed to go watch Parks and Rec.  Hold on, brb.

-  That is definitely the best show on tv.  And now I get to watch the rest of the game in speeded up time.

-  With one out Andrus singles, and McCarver can't hold himself back from talking about stealing bases.  Honest to god it's some sick sort of obsession.  It's all he ever talks about.  If we could find stats on this I bet 70% of the sentences he's said in this series have revolved around stolen bases or "sending the runner" which is extra creepy when you think about how often there has been nobody on base when he talks about it.

-  Hamilton with a moon shot and the Rangers are up 2.  Again.  Did that HR hit a fan in the head and kill him?  Seems likely.

-  He thrusts his fists against the post and still insists he sees the ghosts.

-  LaRusso leads off with a knock for the Cards.  They certainly aren't going away.  Although Jon Jay is up, so that's pretty much an automatic out.  The Cards should consider this a win if this isn't a double play. 

-  Texas-Leaguer, base hit for Jay.  2-on, nobody out, and we have a pitcher pinch-hitting for I assume a pitcher but I can't look it up because I'm on tivo and looking it up means I see a box score which means I learn stuff I don't want to.  And the pinch-hitter edwin jackson is pulled and now it's Kyle Lohse.  Former twin.  Up in a huge spot and being asked to bunt.  And since he's a pitcher the corners are going to be way in and if he gets the bunt down they'll get the out at third.  Same thing happened to Colby Lewis earlier.

-  Well he gets the runners over but only by making an absolutely horrendous bunt, which just happened to find an open area and was actually closer to a hit than an out.  Now Ryan theriot is up with runners on 2nd and 3rd and 1 out.  I think they should walk him and pitch to Pujols.

-  Ground out to score a run by Theriot (best case scenario if you're st. louis).  Tying run on second, Pujols up.  Do you walk him and put the winning run on base?  Tough call, but the Rangers are going to do it.  Single by Berkman ties it, double wins it, out ends it.  It ain't game 7, but there's some high drama here tonight.

-  Jesus christ.  Berkman singles to center to tie the game.  Winning run now on third.  I'm so tired and excited. 

-  We're going to 11 folks.

-  I fast forwarded through the top of the 11th to get live.  Nothing happened.

-  Home run David Freese, and of course Buck steals the "we'll see you tomorrow night" line.  Great series.  Calling it now:  Pujols at least 3 hits tomorrow, and probably 2 home runs.  Book it.

- 

Monday Musings (World Series, Vikings, Billy Beane, Racism in football, etc.)

I'm watching the World Series right now (currently 2-0 St. Louis in the 3rd) and watching the Rangers work on imploding, which is exactly what Detroit did to hand the Cards their last World Championship, when they were once again a substantial underdog.  So far C.J. Wilson has walked Lance Berkman after being ahead 0-2, and Berkman then advanced to third on David or Daniel Murphy's error on a single to left (which scored Holliday), and then scored when Keith Moreland's kid booted a ground ball.  C.J. Wilson also threw a Furcal bunt away, but was able to pitch out of it.  And now Moreland just hit a Thome-sized home run.  Looks like a ball game.  I'm not going to live blog it like, but I'll just do that thing where I type whatever comes into my head about whatever.  I guess that's what I usually do.  Whatever.  Shut your big fat face.

-  So I suppose, for the first time in two years, there's something worthwhile to talk about with the Vikings.  Of course, this is only because they have clearly jumped into rebuilding mold and Ponder gave everyone hope, but despite being impressed with Ponder I'm not exactly looking forward to the next couple of years. 

Here's your problem - too old and/or too bad.  What do you have?  Well you have a good start because you have one bona fide superstar on each side of the ball (AP and Jared Allen), both of whom will probably be able to give you 3-5 more years at a high level.  That's an excellent start, and far better than a lot of teams can build around.  But from there it's tough.

Ponder looked very good for it being his first start.  He made his mistakes, misjudged just how fast even an old cornerback is in the NFL, and made some interesting decisions, but he also made a lot of good throws, showed a lot of poise for a rookie, and never seemed rattled.  I don't know what exactly his upside is, but, at the very least, he looks like a young QB the team can build around.  It's been a long time since this team has had that (Culpepper), and I'd say Ponder's downside is as a middle of the pack type starter.  That's very, very good.

But what else do you have?  Nothing.  On offense the only other person who has big-time potential is Percy Harvin, but it's hard for me to see him as anything more than a kick returner slot receiver type.  I think his absolute upside is the kind of guy who can have a 5 catch-180 yd-2 td day and then follow it up the next week with 1 catch for 8 yards.  Who else is there?  Kyle Rudolph I guess, but I'm pretty sure everybody loves him because he's white and he's best friends with Ponder who, it turns out, is also white and everybody loves.  We'll see. 

The real problem here is that there is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, on that offensive line.  There is not one single player who starts on that line who would start for any other team in the league with the possible exception of Steve Hutchinson, but that doesn't matter because he's too old to matter when this team is 2-3 years away at a minimum.  Loadholt I suppose has some potential and I wouldn't exactly give up on him, but he's not nearly as good as I had hoped and the rest of these guys are fuckin' clown shoes.

And the defense?  Who, outside of Allen is remotely interesting?  Greenway is alright and Robison is fine as long as you're ok with a mediocre DE2, but that's it.  E.J. Henderson?  Please.  Guy is so overrated and still can't move around correctly.  Maybe after another year of healing he'll be ok but I'm not betting on it.  Kevin Williams is done, I have no idea who the other DT or LB is, and the only half-way decent defensive backs are a guy who has had 2 knee surgeries and a guy who is currently in jail.  Antoine Winfield is one of my favorite players ever but he's pretty much done unless he can move to safety which they should definitely try because Hussain Abdullah's one skill seems to be allowing the big play and also because he's probably a terrorist.

The good news is there are some legitimately nice players here - AP, Allen, Harvin, Ponder, and Greenway are all quality players.  The bad news is this isn't baseball or basketball and you can't just trade veterans from prospects and/or picks.  It's unfortunate, because guys like Winfield and Hutchinson would be perfect trade bait in other sports, but not the NFL so their kind of stuck.  So I guess my point is that the Vikings will be bad for a while but should at least be fun to watch.  So I guess that's something.  The Gophers are going to be terrible and no fun to watch, so I guess point NFL.

-  You know what I'd rather watch than that Captain America movie that's coming out on DVD tomorrow?  Anything.

-  You know what I do like though?  Walking Dead.  Very good show so far.  Not exactly the most realistic, but if you're looking for realism in a show about zombies I contend you're kind of lost already. 

-  Last time Pujols came up there as a runner on third with 1 out and they walked him.  Holliday grounded into a double play.  Now there are runners on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs.  They're walking him again.  The intrigue is so thick you could cut it with a spoon.

-  Ground out to short.  Holliday is terrible.  Billy Beane was right again.

-  Know who the A's got for Holliday?  Shane Peterson, Clay Mortensen, and Brett Wallace.  Mortensen was then traded to the Rockies for Ethan Hollingsworth, Wallace was shipped to the Jays for Michael Taylor, and Peterson is still in the minors (along with Hollingsworth and Taylor).  And Beane originally had to give up Carlos Gonzalez, Huston Street, and Greg Smith to get Holliday.  So essentially he flipped a superstar outfielder (down year notwithstanding), a still capable closer, and a young starter who is already in the majors for three minor leaguers, only one of which (Taylor) is considered a top 20 prospect in their system.  I guess Joe Morgan was right, moneyball schmoneyball.

-  So not only am I playing in the fantasy Big 10 hoops league with my friends (Snacks, Dawger, Snake, Bogart, Optimator, Elk, and Grandslam), but I'm playing in a bigger college hoops league as well, similar to the won I played in - and won - 2 years ago.  We've got 13 teams and we're using the Big Six leagues plus the meaningful outliers (UNLV, BYU, New Mexico, Memphis, Gonzaga, etc.).  It's a lot harder, and I wish I could talk about it more in depth but unfortunately TRE from Still got Hope? (which if you don't read you should) is also in the league, so I can't divulge my secrets.  We fire up the draft tomorrow and it's slowish style so I might get like 2 picks per day.  I pick 9th, and I'll give you a hint (and also TRE picks after me) - if he's there I'm going to go with a guy whose name rhymes with Shumbakwe and probably has a huge crank.

-  That "huge crank" talk is probably inappropriate but I'm going to leave it in there because it's just going to help the google search results.  Also megan fox lesbian kiss midget vagina fart ass sex nick punto.

-  Speaking of Nick Punto vagina farts, he just struck out with runners on 2nd and 3rd and 2 outs.  Big spot there.  Punto's definitely the guy I'd want up in that situation.

-  Adrian Beltre just hit a home run on a lollipop curve ball from his knees.  No lie.  That was pretty weird and impressive.  Now 2-2.  This has been a great series.

Big fuckin' deal, Beltre.  I could've done that do if that dickhead Veeck would've let me swing.

-  So this morning before work one of our Direct TV remotes stopped working.  It had been going and even when we switched batteries it didn't get any better and today it was just done.  So I looked it up on their website and I can get a replacement remote for $15.  I figured cool, that's a reasonable price and I'll swing by the nearest retailer to my house and see how much more it is, thinking I'd be willing to pay $5-$10 to have it tonight rather than waiting for it to ship.  So I get home from work, grab my damn wiener kids so Mrs. W can do her Tae Bo or yoga or whatever it is tonight, and run up to said retailer.  Almost immediately find the remote.  It's priced at $44.99.  Forty.  Five.  Fucking.  Dollars.  Naturally I walked out without it and am now watching the game with no ability to flip channels on the commercials or mute Tim McCarver, but I'm sure as shit not paying 200% more than I have to.  I'll wait a couple days, thanks.

-  Top 7, tie game.  Allen Craig or someone with a name like that, walks with one out and then tries to steal second and is out by two billion feet.  And now they're walking Pujols.  And guess what they would have done if that steal would have been successful?  Yep.  Walked him.  Since he's nearly as likely to hit an XBH as get a single, maybe you just stay put on first, ok?  I get the stolen base and it certainly has it's place, but these two managers both seem to be way to obsessed with it and have both screwed their teams over in this series.  Also let's see if Holliday can go 0-3 after getting slapped in the mouth.

-  Hey a base hit!  Way to go little buddy!  And thanks to a whole bunch of thrown the ball around-itis, we're at 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs.  20 bucks says Berkman strikes out for the 3rd time tonight.

-  I missed what happened with Berkman but the bases were loaded when David Freese struck out so I assume they walked him.

Let me guess, you were expecting a picture of Arnold as Mr. Freeze?  You probably don't even know who this is, do you you unoriginal bastard? 

-  By the way you should probably ignore everything I wrote about the Vikings above.  I made most of that up. 

-  Bottom 7, 1 out, Kinsler on first.  20 bucks says they send him here. 

-  Nope, but Elvis Andrus struck out on 3 pitches.  God they'd be so much better if they hit Napoli or Cruz or even Beltre second.  But of course, Ron Washington can't do that.  You gotta have a guy there who can handle the bat, right Gardy and every other manager in the stupid world.  And Dawger.

-  Ever want to combine racism with football?  Go nuts. 

-  After a leadoff hit by Yadier Molina I'm pretty sure the Cardinals just pinch hit for Skip Schumaker with Ryan Theriot just so he could sac bunt.  You're telling me a dude named Skip can't bunt?  You might as well tell me that sliding into first doesn't get you there faster.  I can't believe it.  I won't.

-  Punto blows it again, striking out in a still tied game with a runner on 2nd and 1 out.  Takes a special kind of guy to constantly disappoint two franchises.

-  In one fantasy league I'm in today I was offered Cam Newton and James Starks in exchange for Hakeem Nicks and LaSean McCoy.  So that was pretty fun.

-  Bases loaded.  One out.  Bottom of the 8th.  2-2 game.  Mike Napoli up.  A hit, and particularly an extra-base hit, would help my bank account tremendously.  Na-Po-Li.  Na-Po-Li.  Na-Po-Li.

-  Double, scores 2.  Damn dude, shit never works out like this for me.

-  That message board I posted earlier really thinks Peyton Hillis is being held down because he's white.  Why can't they just accept that he's terrible at football?  Probably a good blocker though.

-  I couldn't tell you one thing about Lance Lynn.  Well, other than he's a pitcher for St. Louis who is about to come into a high leverage situation in the World Series.

-  Your name is Lance Lynn and you're gonna roll out the perm?  Interesting choice.  Also he just intentionally walked Ian Kinsler and then got yanked.  Looks like LaRussa  has his overmanaging pants on again.

Oh hello.  I pitch for the Cardinals.

-  Feliz now in for the ninth and he gets 2 strikes on Craig and then plunks him right in the back shoulder on a pitch that was so zeroed in on him that there was no way Craig could've gotten out of the way even if his life was on the line.  Pujols up.  Tying run, can't walk him.  Nice.

-  Jesus Pujols has a great eye.  Now at 3-2.  Laid off three close ones but were clearly balls.  He's really good at hitting stuff. Not unlike Chris Cook, I suppose.

-  Strike 'em out throw 'em out.  Pujols whiffs on a pitch that was ball four and Craig is tossed easily and I have no clue why they sent him.  I know Albert doesn't strike out a ton, but you just took a runner out who, really, didn't matter.  If he gets to second and scores on a single who fucking cares, you're still down by a run.  Stupid play.  Tony LaRussa outsmarted himself here tonight.  I hope Holliday hits a home run here.

-  Holliday walks.  Will probably get thrown out stealing.  Stay tuned.

-  Berkman whiffs.  Texas wins.  Pretty sure we're going 7 folks.  Adios and good night.

World Series Game 1

Man I love the stupid World Series.  Even when it's Texas vs. St. Louis and I can't even decide who I'm rooting for until I put money down on Texas.  I watched the top of the first while folding clothes and drinking a Hamm's and saw Texas kill its early momentum by being too obsessed with running.  Seriously, McCarver and buck suck and are prone to hyperbole, but Yadier Molina really is that good when it comes to throwing out base-runners so here's a tip - don't freaking run on him.  I mean jesus christ Ron Washington, you were on the Oakland A's staff in the salad days of moneyball, did you learn nothing?  I guess that's why you never trust a crackhead manager.

7:17 - Furcal walks to start things up for St. Louis.  Tonights' action:  Rangers to win, over 7.5 total runs, David Freese no RBI, Adrian Beltre YES Hit, Nelson Cruz YES to strikeout, Mike Napoli to have more total bases than Yadier Molina, and Furcal no RBI.  They all matter, but that Furcal no RBI is a monster wager.  We need that one.

7:19 - I think Tim McCarver is watching a completely different game than everybody else.  It's either that or he's completely insane.

7:24 - Michael Young weakly grounds to 2nd and I'm reminded that I hate him.  Throughout the ALDS, which was not a bastion of profit, whatever I bet he did the opposite.  Bet on him to K before he gets a hit, he gets a hit in the first inning.  Bet on him to get a hit, and he goes 0-4.  I think I was like 1-5 wagering on him.  I hope he dies.

7:25 - Base knock for Beltre, a double down the line.  I always like winning those bets on the guys first time up.  Now maybe Nelson could whiff here for me.

7:27 - Joe Buck just said, "It's now 2-1 to a guy who is 31."  What kind of weird ass sentence is that?  What's next, "Here comes the pitch from a guy who really, really digs pine nuts in his salad."

7:28 - Cruz apparently didn't wear his chasing pants tonight because Cruz walks after completely refusing to chase Carpenter's slider which he threw low and away four times.  I'm pretty sure Cuddyer took a swing at his TV there at least twice.

7:30 - That's the second time Carpenter's thrown one in the dirt and yelled "God damn it" loud enough for the camera mics to pick it up.  Pretty sure little Joey Buck's ears are bleeding.  Also DP by Napoli.

7:36 - Lance Berkman, fourth all-time in home runs amongst switch hitters.  That seems odd for some reason.  FUN FACT:  Former Twin Chili Davis is fifth and former Twin Ruben Sierra is 8th, and right up until this very minute of my life I had completely forgotten Sierra played for the Twins.

7:41 - FUN FACT #2 - Roy Smalley holds five of the top 10 HR hitting seasons by a switch-hitter in Twins history.  Of course, it's not a very distinguished list considering Bobby Kielty is in 6th place and Cris Guzman is top 10, but still.

7:45 - Uneventful inning.  But that reminds me that you wanted to know why I was drinking Hamm's.  It's because the local liquor store had it on sale for $11.99 for the 30-pack.  How could I not buy it?  I mean, it's from the land of sky blue waters (waters).  And I have to admit, it is the beer refreshing.

7:47 - What a quaint little story by McCarver.  Turns out C.J. Wilson, get this, even though he's a pitcher, you're not going to believe it, but he considers himself a hitter.  OMG that's so crazy!  He's such a unique snowflake with his California surfer attitude and his really unique necklace that every god damn pitcher in the league wears.

7:53 - Nick freaking Punto with a base hit to lead off the bottom of the third.  Not only is this annoying because he's Nick Punto, but it sets up a sac bunt by Carpenter and then Furcal can get an RBI with a hit AND THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.  Also I'm pretty sure Punto slid into first even though he lined it into center.  They didn't show or anything, but I can just feel it.

God Damn that Punto gives me a boner

7:55 - Carpenter strikes out, which is good.  Still need no extra base hit from Furcal here.  Or maybe an xbh but then Punto slides head first into third instead of scoring.  Because he's so gritty, you see.

7:57 - Furcal whiffs on a pitch that barely crossed the plate in the air and was missed by at least 2 feet.  Now that reminded me of Twins baseball.

8:04 - Tim McCarver is interviewing Ron Washington.  This is like Richard Dawkins interviewing Stephen Hawking, only the exact opposite.

8:06 - Another 1-2-3 inning.  Glad Snacks convinced me to take the over. 

8:13 - Punto hit by a pitch, Holliday double, and Berkman scores them both home by not being able to catch up to a pitch and fisting it into right.  It counts, I know, it's just blah.  I remember the last time these guys were in the Series (I think) and the Tigers should have smoked 'em but they have some kind of jedi mind shit over teams.  It's happening again.

8:14 - I just realized I typed Punto when I meant Pujols.  HE'S IN MY HEAD, MAN!!!

8:18 - With Berkman on 2nd and 2 outs they intentionally walk Punto, and yes this time it is Punto, and that has got to be the first time that's ever happened.  Checking Baseball Reference, and Punto has actually been intentionally walked 9 times in his career (3 this year, 1 with the phils, and 5 with the Twins).  How could he possibly have been IBB'd as a Twin?  Gotta be interleague, right?  I mean it has to be.  I need to figure this out.

8:26 - Carpenter strikes out Cruz with Beltre on 2nd.  The important thing is that that's another bet won.

8:28 - Napoli with a monster shot to right to make it a 2-2 game.  That also gives him a 4-0 advantage in total bases over Molina.

8:30 - This infrared shit might be literally the gayest thing I've ever seen.  McCarver, "This is weird to me, I don't know how you do that."  With infrared cameras you dumb fucking hick.  I swear to god I'm going to find out where he lives and stab him in the tongue with a crocodile.

8:31 - "That camera reminds me of The Thing."  - Tim McCarver.  I'm 99.9% sure he means Predator.  It seems weird to hate someone you've never even met and who is mostly harmless, and yet here we are.

8:38 - A Furcal walk (with no RBI) and then a sac bunt and we have a fast runner on 2nd, representing the go-ahead run, with one out and Albert Pujols up.  Looks like this is where we find out just how valuable he really is oh wait no I guess we don't because they're walking him.  Damn it I wanted to see this.  Now I'm going to have to watch Matt Holliday ground into a double play.

8:39 - McCarver, "Pitchers really struggle to pitch around batters because they're trained to throw strikes and when you ask them not to they can't make that adjustment."  I'm now thinking some kind of garrotte.  Or maybe just C.J. Wilson's cool hip California style necklace.

8:41 - I love it when I call things.  Double play for Holliday.  And that shit rhymes, homeslice.

8:44 - Kinsler with a nice texas leaguer into right for a knock to lead off the sixth.  Hopefully the Rangers don't do any kind of running here.  I could accept a sac bunt from Andrus, if need be.

8:46 - Sac bunt down, now time to see if Hamilton can be a hero or if he's really just a fan murderer.  McCarver, "This is a really evenly matched World Series."  Well, Tim, actually the Rangers are fairly heavy favorite and would likely be almost 1-2 to win if they had home field advantage, so once again you're wrong.  I'm not entirely certain McCarver could outwit a briefcase full of crackers.

The battle of wits has begun

8:48 - McCarver:  "as a pitcher you have to have complete confidence in your catcher where you can throw the ball in the dirt with a runner on third."  He said this after a pitch that was at the batter's knees.  Also no run scored. 

8:56 - Freese with a double with one out (which is fine because there was nobody on base).  With Molina up followed by Punto and pitcher why not just walk Molina?  Punto is terrible and since he already has a hit tonight you know he can't possibly get another one, then the pitcher in which case you force the Cards to pinch hit and get Carpenter out of the game.  Win win win.

8:58 - Wild pitch moves Freese to third.  Looks like Wilson can't trust Napoli.  Probably because he's Sicilian.  I kind of wish I hadn't used my Vezzini picture already.

9:00 - Wilson whiffs Molina on a huge, huge pitch.  All he had to do was put that ball in play and St. Louis takes the lead, instead there are 2 outs and it's up to Nick Punto to get the runner home.  Watch, that little dick is going to get a hit now too, just to eff with me.

9:03 - They walk Punto non-intentionally but intentionally to get Carpenter out of the game.  Makes sense, but now you're facing a legit major league hitter when you could have faced Punto, one of the worst hitters in the history of the game.  Tecas countering with Ogando.  Good move here.  Good game for Wilson, but it's time go get the Ogandonator in there.  I just made that up.

9:08 - And THAT's why you pitch to a shitty hitter like Punto when you have a chance.  Craig, the pinch-hitter for Carpenter, singles to right to score the go-ahead run.

9:09 - Oh shit that means Furcal is up with a runner on third.  God please just bean him or something.

9:11 -  Furcal hits the shit out of it but thankfully he's a little noodle-armed weiner and it dies at the warning track.  I'm not going to lie to you, I'm pretty sure I just made some pants chocolate.

9:12 - These Chili-Lime almonds are really the cat's pajamas.

9:15 - I wonder if this Fernando Salas character is at all related to former Twin Mark Salas.  I kind of doubt it because he's not a big fat pile of goo.  Still, I'll always have a soft spot in my hard for Mark Salas because his was the first autograph I ever got.  It looked like M-scribble S-scribble, but it's a nice memory.  Not like that fuckface Jeff Reardon.

9:20 - I stopped paying attention for a minute but now the Rangers have 2 on and 1 out and Mark Salas is out and the guy with the weird polish name is in.

9:26 - Polish guy strikes out Dennis Nedry in a huge spot, which once again validates the Colby Rasmus trade because polish guy was one of a couple of relievers they picked up.  Rangers have one more shot, but they're pinch hitting with Esteban German so they might as well not have pinch hit.

9:29 - Polish guy whiffs German, which is no surprise.  Slightly more surprising is after that when McCarver says, "It's a five-letter word, S-T-R-I-K-E."  Now, the fact that it's a six letter word isn't even the least bit surprising at this point because it seems like exactly the kind of thing McCarver would say.  Better, though, is that he never follows up on it.  That's his entire point.  He says nothing else, there's awkward silence, and then we cut to some army dude singing.  So bizarre.  I assume twitter must be blowing up about this.  I'd check it, but I'm about 20 minutes behind due to tape delay so I don't want to spoil anything.

9:34 - McCarver, "By the way, I figured out between innings that strike has six letters, not five."  I'll give it to him, I never expected a classic doucher like McCarver to admit his own error.

9:43 - No runs scored, and we go to the 8th.  I seem to be getting a bit sleepy.  Damn Hamm's.

9:45 - So I went to the Gopher tip-off deal last Friday night with Wonderbaby^TM, and it really didn't go all that well.  They started late, I assume because the autograph part of it went long, the intros took forever since they introduced like 30 alumni who were there, and then they ended up skipping the skills competiton for current players (although we did get to see Abdul-Shamala and Brent Lawson win for the alumni).  Then they went to the halfcourt shot thing, which was really stupid because nobody made one so it was really boring.  Then my lovely daughter had finished her popcorn and mello yello and was pretty bored because "nobody's even playing, daddy" and it was almost 2 hours past her bedtime so we left.  Which means other than the half-court shot I didn't see any current players do anything outside of warmup.  Still kind of excited for the year though.  I'm kinda dumb that way.

9:53 - no runs again, despite the Rangers getting a shot at the world's oldest lefty Arthur Lee Rhodes.  We go bottom 8, still 3-2 National League.

9:57 - I miss Derek Holland's mustache.

9:58 - Berkman with an infield hit to open the bottom of the 8th, which seems weird when you think about how he's 800 years old and kind of fat.  The good part of this is, by the way, is that it seems David Freese is out of the lineup and I didn't even know it.  His replacement tosses down a nice sac bunt, setting things up for Molina, Punto, and pitcher's spot.  A true murderer's row.  Although compared to Repko, Butera, Tolbert......I'm just sayin'.

10:01 - IT'S ALL UP TO PUNTO

10:03 - There's not a lot of meat in these gym mats. 

10:04 - Punto whiffs.  I laugh.

10:07 - Looks like Jason Motte is the closer tonight.  I can't keep up.  I do know that I don't like him because I took him like 2-3 years ago late in a fantasy baseball draft because a friend of mine told me he was a "great sleeper" because nobody really knew him and he was assured to win the closer role.  Which he did, but then he pitched as if he was throwing BP and lost the job and my heart.

10:09 - Tim McCarver is definitely retarded.

10:12 - they get all the outs and the Cardinals win.  This game got kind of boring.  Needed more Punto.

Saturday Night Live

So I'm sitting here at my parents house with the Bear watching both the Gopher hockey match and the playoff baseball.  My kids are asleep and I'm over here because the Mrs. has a fever of 101 so I had to get the kids out of that Outbreak environment.  We just housed some awesome chili that I made using no recipe and just using what I could find around my parents' house - and it was brililant.  Drinking a couple Coronoas sans lime, and I figured, what the hey, might as well try to find the ole mojo and live blog this bitch, amiright?

-  Scores update - Texas up 3-2 and threatening to blow the game open, Gophers also up 3-2 and I don't know if they're threatening to blow that one out because my understanding of hockey comes from NHL 95.

-  Scherzer walks Napoli on a 3-2 count which sucks because I have Napoli to strikeout in this game.  Scherzer is a dick.

-  Look at this douchebag right here.

-  I'm told the Gopher hockey team looks like they're much better this year and the reason is because they brought back Mike Gentzell, because without him all the coaches were nancy boy feelings coaches who told the players "don't worry, it's ok buddy, get 'em next time" when they screwed up.  But this Gensall guy is more of the Bud Kilmer type who will kick your ass if you're reading Slaughterhouse Five instead of your playbook, even if it's an awesome book.  So anyway the Gophers should be a tougher team this year which I suppose should mean they'll be better and also I have no idea what their record is.  Oh, and for the record, I've heard our hockey guy, Black Snake, hates that Gentzell guy.

-  Some mongolian looking lefty just served up a nice meatball to whoever the Murphy is who plays for Texas and it's now looking like I might have to watch hockey the rest of the night.  At least the Gophers are on the power play right now.  That's the only part of hockey that makes any sense to me - pass it around and get a good shot.  The rest of hockey is just a confusing blur.  Can we get that glowing puck thinger back?

-  GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

-  Pretty sure it was the Gophers.

-  Confirmed.

-  You ever do that thing where you switch the first letter/sound of a guys first name and last name that PA now does even though me, Snacks, 2P, and Bear invented in when we were growing up?  What's your favorite:  Bitch Recker or Fuck Chinley?

-  Delmon boots a routine groundball in left, then, even though the boot means the play at home is now not a possibility, he throws it completely over the cut-off man so Kinsler can get to second and take the double-play chance away.  Looked so familiar.

-  It's now 9-2.  I think I'm going to have to watch hockey.  And the Wild is on, and there's a game on the NHL network and then there's a late game on the NHL network.  This is my own personal hell.

-  Nice 'stache Holland.  He must have lost a bet.  That has to be it, right?  Nobody would voluntarily grow something like that, right?

Oh, hello Derek Holland.  I think your mustache looks smashing.

-  Oh, hello Fox Sports North Girls Paige and Jenny.  'Sup?  I have a Protege with a spoiler if you want to see it some time.

-  You know, I have no real problem with the Rangers as long as they aren't killing their own fans, but can we cut the crap with this "loosey goosey fun loving bunch" shit?  That's the same thing everybody would be saying about the Red Sox, but they didn't make the playoffs so instead they fire the best manager and GM they've ever had.  Enough already.

-  Beer isn't working, just impacting on the surface, switching to vodka.  That was a weird mix of a Top Gun quote and a Star Wars quote, but by the time I realized I was mixing them up, like poor Porkins, it was too late to pull out.

-  MAVIS BEACON reference!!

-  Story from the Bear, "So I have this bike, and I don't know what brand it is or whatever but the model name is the Sorrento.  So I took a piece of tape and wrote Paul on it and put it in front of the model name."  I don't know what's worse, that he's 34 years old or that I can't stop laughing.

-  Gopher power play coming up.  The most beautiful thing in all of hockey besides Paige and Jenny or whatever there names were.

-  GGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

-  We've now found some shitty wrestling on the CW.  I cannot believe I used to watch this crap, even as a kid.  At least I had the decency to grow out of it.  If you are over 15 years old and you watch wrestling just go ahead and remove your own eyes with a bucket of acid.

-  Wrestling announcer guy just compared this wrestler guy to Deion Sanders.  Probably because he's black.  Yes we're still watching.  Missed a UMD goal in there somewhere but it's worth the tradeoff to me.

-  Ring of Honor camerawork is just terrible.  There's a lot of crazy shit happening outside the ring between the tag-team guys who aren't in the ring and we're missing all of it.  Looks like someone didn't get the script.

-  The team in the black pajamas beat the team in the purple booty shorts using the small package move after a kick in the junk - double entendres galore.

-  The ref is asking the winning team if they kicked the guy in the nards and they won't admit to it.  You know who would admit to it?  That kid from that commercial about basketball and sportsmanship who is all like, "It was out on me coach, it was the wrong call" and then goes to tell the ref he got it wrong.  There's no chance that ref wouldn't tell the kid to get the hell out of his face, right?

-  5-4 now Gophers, we missed another goal by the dirty Bulldogs.  ROH wrestling is officially bad luck.

-  Jesus Christ Delmon Young is the worst hitter in history.  So glad I bet on him to have more total bases than David/Daniel/Dale Murphy, who has two singles tonight.  I hate everything.

-  GOPHERS WIN!!!  GOPHERS WIN!!!!  Boner!!

-  The Wild might have just lost in OT.  TOO SOON TO TELL!  There were 8 people in the crease, the goal scored off a skate, and the goal was off it's posts.  If that counts as a goal I'm going to burn Canada to the ground - for inventing hockey, you see.  Actually I should probably do that anyway.  Plus their money looks weird.

-  Need Napoli to K here.  It's going to have to be looking because there is zero fucking way Brad Penny can put one past anybody.

-  Fucking hell.  I hate gambling.

- Text from Bogart:  "I ate a steak tonight that cost $129."  What a dick.  Outback is a special treat for me, and Black Snake usually eats squirrel or possum or whatever he can shoot out his backyard window.  And I think Dawger subsists on Ramen and veggie-burgers.

-  Just took Arizona State +18.5 so we have something to watch besides wrestling.  Will probably still watch wrestling.

-  Musberger just told us that some freshman for Oregon is nicknamed "The Black Mamba."  What the hell is that shit?  Kobe is the Black Mamba and everybody knows that.  You can't recycle the nickname of a guy who is still playing, especially when it's something unique like The Black Mamba instead of just initals like LT and LT.  Although I suppose this information is coming from the guy who actually said, "This is for all the Tostitos" while announcing the Fiesta Bowl, so I suppose it's exceedingly possible that he got his tip sheet for this game mixed up with one from the NBA Finals from a few years ago.  Likely, even.

-  I miss Leapin' Lenny Poffo.

-  World's Greatest QB Andrew Luck threw for 336 yds and 4 TDs today.  More importantly, did you know his nickname is The Black Mamba.

-  Nelson Cruz just hit another home run.  I'm impressed by his postseason, but not really impressed by that home run because he hit it off of Brad Penny, who once again did not strike Mike Napoli out, because he's freaking terrible.  I don't even think he could strike Austin Jackson out.  Also Buck and McCarver are the worst combo ever.  Of anything.

Yep, worse that this.  Which me, Snacks, The Egyptian, and assorted others drank one New Year's Eve 

when we ran out of booze.  Was a bad decision what the hell is going on with this spacing?

-  If Delmon can get a 2b here I can push my bet, anything more I can win it.  And the waste of talent hits a squibber in front of the mound.  I am terrible at everything.  Except cooking.

-  We've been flipping to Monday Night Raw (which doesn't make much sense tonight) for 20 minutes or so.  Still no wrestling.  The soap opera crap is a bit out of control, but apparently people watch this.  Sickos.  But I can tell you what, this guy in the ponytail isn't very happy.

-  Just found a live stream of the Hopkins/Dawson fight.  Also just threw down a cool $10 spot on Hopkins.  I'll bet on anything.

- Bernard Hopkins is 46 years old.  He also wears an executioner's hood into the ring.  I can't decide if these are good omens or bad.  Probably bad.  Also, on Raw, some weird dude in a nose guardy face mask thing like Willie Burton wore just ran in the ring and beat up some guy who was supposed to be fighting some fat black dude.  Then he put a paper bag on the dudes head after he beat him up.  This is the weirdest night ever.

-  ROUND 1 Summary:  Nobody did anything.  Dawson tried one rush but missed everything.  I score that round Hopkins 0, Dawson 0, not watching boxing 8 (and I love boxing).

-  ROUND 2 Summary:  What.  The.  Fuck.  So the match has been called a no-contest because Dawson kind of picked Hopkins up and then Hopkins either hurt his shoulder or pretended he hurt his shoulder and couldn't go on, so they called it.  Honest to god between this and the Mayweather fight I don't really know what to do with boxing.  I haven't watched in years, and now as I try to get back to it I get this garbage.  I give up.  Also on wrestling there were just two hot blonde broads fighting some asian chicks and then it cut to Keith Hernandez.  I told you this was the weirdest night ever.

I don't always watch wrestling, but when I do, I prefer broads.

-  Took Oregon -7.5 for the second half.  So if the Ducks win by between 12 and 17 we win double money.  Anything else and it's a minuscule loss.  Had to be done.

-  God Seth Meyers is awesome.

-  Argument:  I think Anna Faris is hotter than fire.  Bear thinks she's a "plain jane."  Discuss.

Oh.  Hi.

-  Oh for fuck's sake they ruled it a TKO for Dawson.  Boxing is so stupid and I lost more money.  I'm going to go throw myself off a bridge assuming someone can drive me to one.

-  Just flipped over to bull-riding.  You heard me.  The dudes riding the bulls are now wearing kevlar vests and goalie masks.  The last bastion of the true man is now dead.  The only real man left is Ron Swanson.

-  Just learned Bear is a big Jim Rome fan.  Seems like a good time to call it a night because I'm pretty sure I need to punch him in the nuts now.

-  Bear:  "I need some wrestling up in here."  So we switch to Raw or whatever, and we see some wrestler guy limping off into the locker room.  Wrestling and Boxing are completely interchangeable.  Sad.  Also the Miz is wrestling so this seems appropriate:

I taught the Miz about black people!

-  Bear requesting some popcorn chicken up in here.  And at the same time we discover the WWE is doing a battle royal.  I don't recognize any of these people, and there's some giant ginger dude who's wrecking shit, but I'm all in.

-And the big Ginger is elimnated!  This is the worst fucking thing I've ever watched and I've watched bull riding tonight.  Such a weird night.

-  Everyone was elminated within like 4 minutes.  Now it's just Miz and some dude.  And oh my god controversey!  The both went out at the same time oh my god kill me.

-  Middle on Oregon and Ariz state coming down to the wire.  very dramatic.  You're drunk.

-  Wide open ASU reciever for a tD. through his hands, right to a duck.  MIddled.  boom.  I can't type and neither can you and I just won money so eat it.

MLB Playoff Preview

When TRE, from the latest and greatest Gopher blog Still Got Hope? reached out to me to ask if I wanted to do a co-MLB playoff preview with him my first though was "jesus that sounds like work."  Then I remembered that I've seen TRE in real life and he's a gigantic monster man who would probably rip my arms out my sockets and beat me over the head with them wookie-style if I angered him, so I figured I better do it.

So here's the protocol - I'm previewing the AL, he's previewing the NL which works well for me because my knowledge of the NL is on par with Super Sioux Fan's knowledge of cooking - NOT ALL THAT MUCH.  Then we'd each write a paragraph in response to the other's original paragraph.

Will we agree?  Disagree?  Fight?  Will we come to blows?  TOO SOON TO TELL.  But it should be exciting.  My pants are already half-off in anticipation.

AMERICAN LEAGUE



TEXAS RANGERS vs. TAMPA RAYS  

DWG:  Classic match-up here of momentum vs. unstoppablenessittude.  The Ranger offense is really good at hitting and scoring, much like Bobby Brown, and really has no holes.  But that's the fun thing about good pitching, it creates those holes.  Tampa has the two best pitchers in this deal in Shields and Price, and in a short series sometimes that's all you need.  Evan Longoria is looking sexy and mashing baseballs, and the Rays have heaps of karma from playing the role of Will Hunting to the Sox Carmine Scarpaglia, and saving the world from the hoards of Boston douchefans that always come out of the woodwork for the playoffs.  THAT ROBAHT ANDINO IS WICKED GOOD!  This should be a dogfight, but I give the edge to pitching and karma.  Rays in Five.

TRE:  Evan Longoria is as good a hitter as he is a dreamboat.  On Wednesday he basically willed the Rays into the playoffs and it was amazing.  TREbro cried like a river when the Sox missed the playoffs. (he's a longtime fan, don't try and make sense of it)  TREbro's wife bombarded facebook with Red Sox propaganda too.  None of that could make Carl Crawford not suck extremely hard.

The Rays and Rangers did this dance last year and it took five games for the Rangers to take them down.  They're a year wiser and a year better.  Rangers noob Napoli had a monster second half (.383 AVG, .706 SLG) and co-noob Adrian Beltre has returned from the hamstring injury and has destroyed in September. (Player of the Month I guess!) Tampa may have a slight edge in starting pitching, but Texas has a TRE's head sized edge in the bullpen.  Especially with Ogando and Holland joining the pen for the playoffs.

Oops

DWG is right that the edge should go to pitching, but wrong in choosing Tampa for having the edge.  This series goes to the Rangers.  Ron Washington will do a head spin on that bald pate of his afterwards.  Verdict: Rangers in four.

 


NEW YORK YANKEES vs. DETROIT TIGERS

DWG:  Obviously nobody likes the Yankees, that's a universal law like water or dinosaurs, but the question is do the Tigers have enough to knock them off?  Both teams have a stone cold ace at the front of the rotation and a bunch of question marks to follow so game 1 is even more important than it usually is in a 5-game series.  Just like the Death Star, Justin Verlander has one weakness, and his is giving up home runs.  If that comes into play with the 230 foot right field fence in Yankee Stadium and a bunch of power-hitting lefties the Tigers could get shoved in a hole they can't climb out of, especially since Jim Leyland has already said he won't pitch Verlander on short rest in Game 4 even if Detroit is facing elimination (Sabathia is already slated for Game 4) which makes so little sense to me I'm convinced Leyland was replaced with Ron Gardenhire.  Easily the most difficult series to pick.   It's either Yankees in four or Tigers in five.  I say Detroit gets two wins from Verlander and squeaks one out somewhere else.  Tigers in five.

TRE:  I love Verlander and think he's the best pitcher in baseball.  All of the cool kids are saying that now, but if you ask Doctor Detroit, I've been saying this for awhile.  I get this feeling though that the Tigers believe too much.  Fans think Doug Fister is the new Bob Welch.  A lot rides on CC Sabathia.  Can that big SOB that was somehow robbed once on the street get the best of Verlander?  If he does, it's freaking over.  Doug Fistplay will curl up into the fetal postion.  The bad news for the Yankees is they're not playing the Twins.  Since 2002, they're 12-2 in ALDS games against the Twins and 5-12 against everyone else.  Last time I checked though, former Twin Delmon Young was batting in the 3-hole.  Even Ivan Nova and Freddy Garcia can get Delmon out.  The Tigers are ready for this.  They're going to join the Twins in the slop bucket of AL Central victims by leg sweep.  Verdict: The Jeterses in three.

NATIONAL LEAGUE


ST LOUIS CARDINALS vs. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

TRE:  The Cards snuck into the playoffs on the last day of the season. They were down 8.5 games from Atlanta on September first, but went 18-8 in the month and watched Atlanta piss the bed. The Phillies get an opponent that they struggled with in 2011; going 3-6 against them. It sounds like we'll see Roy Halladay against Kyle Lohse in game 1 and Cliff Lee against Edwin Jackson in game 2. So, that's basically 2-0 Phillies. Since this is a best of 5 series, the Cardinals are pretty much screwed at this point. I assume they'd throw Chris Carpenter in game 3 against Cole Hamels; perhaps on short rest. That might get them a win, but then they'd lose to Roy Oswalt in game 4 against Jaime Garcia. Matt Holliday has an injured hand/wrist and is unlikely to start the series, but Allen Craig has played well of late. In my opinion the Cardinals lineup just doesn't stack up with the Phillies. It's basically Pujols and The Big Puma and pray for HBP. The Phillies have a lineup that's solid from top to bottom and they even have some decent depth on their bench. I suppose that explains the franchise record 102 wins. Verdict: Phillies in four.


DWG:  Ok great, the Cards went 6-3 against the Phillies this year.  That's awesome and everything but I mean, come on.  Nobody really thinks the Cardinals can win, do they?  It's taking every ounce of restraint and personal responsibility I have to not put the largest wager of my lifetime down on the Phils to win this series at -300.  Then again, the last time I discounted a Cardinals team this badly they ended up winning the World Series after the Tigers pitchers took turns playing the smash hit game "Throw the ball into the dugout."  Still though, the Phil's worst pitcher (of four) is better than the best St. Louis can trot out there and outside of Pujols their second string offense might be better than the Cards' starters.  Phillies sweep.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS vs. ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

TRE:   This is an intriguing series and sadly will probably be the least watched due to market size. The Brewers have a solid lineup headed by my NL MVP choice Ryan Braun. Prince Fielder, Corey Hart and Rickie Weeks all bring a lot to the table as well. Casey McGehee took the year off, but I give him a break because he's bald and ugly like me.

The Brewers led the NL in homeruns and did it while posting a decent average, OBP and a relatively low strikeout total. They also brought in some pitching that doesn't blow goats. Shawn Marcum and Zack Grienke joined with Yovanni Gallardo to provide a solid top 3. Lefties Randy Wolf and Chris Narveson round out the rotation. They also have a solid bullpen with Saito and K-Rod joining Axford for the late innings.

Arizona also packs a pop with Justin Upton, Chris Young (the black one, not the tall dork from Princeton) and Miguel Montero being the core run producers. They also have a solid top 4 starters with Ian Kennedy, Daniel Hudson, Josh Collmenter and Joe Saunders. This is a five game series to me. Kennedy went 21-4 and will likely start the series against Gallardo. I really dislike that the Diamondbacks abbreviate themselves with "D-Backs". That's a little too close to d-bags. Verdict: Brewers in five.

DWG:  I agree that this will be an interesting series because these teams are pretty evenly matched.  Milwaukee has more star power with Braun, Fielder, Greinke, and Weeks and seem more glamorous, or at least as glamorous as annything from dirty, dirty Wisconsin can be, but Arizona is a surprisingly good, and complete, team.  Kennedy, Hudson, Collmenter, and Saunders might not sound like much, but they're one of the best starting groups in the NL.  I know, I didn't believe it either, but every single one of them has an ERA under 3.70 and a WHIP under 1.32.  Not really a true ace in the group, sorry Kennedy but I'm not buying it yet, but that really plays well for them.  They can reasonably expect to hold Milwaukee to 3 runs per game, so all they have to do is score 4 runs three times in five games.  They have one of the highest scoring offenses in baseball, so that shouldn't be a problem, and Justin Upton is the Patrick Jane of baseball.  D-Bags in five and TRE is an idiot and a traitor.