World Series Game 6 (plus Tyus Jones and fantasy college basketball updates!!)

Watching Game 6.  Typing stuff.  Let's go.

-  Game update - It's 2-2 in the 3rd.  Nick Punto recently tried to kill Chris Carpenter by throwing his bat at him.  No big deal though, he threw it in a gritty way.

-  So the big news in Gopher hoop news is that Tyus Jones, the all-world 10th grader who is ranked as the 5th best sophomore and #1 point guard in the country according to ESPN, came out in an interview and didn't mention the Gophers.   This is, of course, big news because keeping instate recruits, especially at this level, and raising the level of talent coming to Minnesota was supposed to be one of the reasons Tubby Smith was hired, and because Jones would likely be the most important commit in Gopher history if Tubby was able to secure it.  A few points, if I may:

• First thing, ignore the sensationalist headline and keep in mind that when he mentions "Arizona, Michigan State, Ohio State, and Duke" as the schools he's seriously considering he's not just talking about himself.  He is talking about the schools where he and fellow sophomore Jahlil Okafor, a center from Chicago who is ranked #3 by ESPN, are looking at attending together.  It isn't his "official" list.

• There have been a lot of these "we're going to play together" deals, especially when kids are younger like Tyus and Jahlil.  Rarely do they end up happening.  I'd give you an example but I can't think of one.  In any case, Tyus could certainly still consider the Gophers as a strong possibility for himself if he goes his own way from Okafor.

• All that being said, Jones has never come out and said Minnesota is a leader and he's never given me the feeling that he's even seriously considering the U, so it shouldn't exactly be a surprise that the Gophers aren't high on his radar.  Once teams like Kansas, Duke, Michigan State, etc. come calling, the Gophers don't look all that attractive even to many home town kids.  It's a sad reality, but it's a reality.   Remember Naadir Tharpe?  Not a hometown kid, but a kid who had narrowed his choices to Minnesota or Rutgers.  When Rutgers secured a commitment from a different point guard and it seemed inevitable he was going to be a Gopher.  At the last minute Kansas got involved, and like 2 days later he committed to the Jayhawks.  The power programs are power programs for a reason. 

• Tubby HAS reversed the trend of the best Minnesota kids leaving the state.    Going back to 2006 the biggest recruits in the state were Isaiah Dahlman, Cole Aldrich, Jon Leuer, Jared Berggren, and Jordan Taylor, and to the best of my knowledge none of them even considered Minnesota.  Since 2008 the top kids have been Royce White, Rodney Williams, and Joe Coleman - all Gophers.  One miss does not mean he's not doing his job.  By all accounts Tubby has been after Tyus hard.

• But no matter what you do, once a kid hits that level of accomplishment, that level of stardom, and starts receiving those kinds of accolades and has his pick of schools, he will nearly always go to a premier program rather than stay home to try to revive his home town school.  Looking at the Rivals top 10 from 2007-2011 , the only kids I found who actually stayed home were kids whose home town school was a national powerhouse and/or "premier" programs (Sullinger to Ohio State, Bullock to UNC, Holliday to UCLA, Mullens to Ohio State, and Gordon to Indiana),  There were only three exceptions - Perry Jones to Baylor (although technically he lived closer to SMU), Derrick Favors to G-Tech, and Demar DeRozan to USC.  So out of five years and 50 kids, only 3 stayed home to help their hometown school - this was a long shot to begin with.

• A lot can change in the next couple of years, and maybe Tubby will re-energize the program, finally, and maybe Tyus will catch the fever and decide he wants to be a Gopher (and bring his buddy with him).  But I wouldn't consider it likely.  No matter who the coach is, Minnesota isn't the kind of school that gets these kids.  It just is what it is.  Tubby needs to get good, talented kids he can coach up, freaking keep them, and hope that every few years lightning hits and the Gophers are a Sweet 16 team with possible upside.  That's the reality folks.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love it.

This is GOLDEN.  GOPHER.  BASKETBALL.  (Get it.  You want it to be really good but it's just mediocre but you keep watching because you really hope it's going to get better and maybe they'll be a sweet dinosaur that shows up.

-  Dropped pop-up by Holliday after a miscommunication with Furcal.  You know who doesn't miscommunicate there?  Nick Punto.

-  Napoli knocks him in.  Of course he does.  I never realized how good a hitter that guy was.  He snuck up on me, just like that little sister of the girl you went to high school with and knew really well and she was always your little buddy and then all of a sudden it's the summer before your senior year and she's going into 10th grade and she comes into Blockbuster where you work and it's all BAM! boobs and the hotness and it's weird and sweaty.  I've heard.

Like this, only if instead of it being school it was Blockbuster and if the girl was way hotter

-  Throwing error on St. Lou's pitcher.  Looking like we might be witnessing the implosion to end the season.  Stay tuned.

-  Or not.  3-2 Rangers.

-  Oh, right.  You wanted to know how my Fantasy College Basketball Draft was going.  Well here she is:

• ROUND 1 - TREVOR MBAKWE, F, MINNESOTA:  When you're in a college basketball draft with bunches of players who you might not even see on TV this year and a hometown boy should go somewhere near where you're picking, you take him.  I picked 9th, and after what I thought was a clear top 5 (Tu Holloway, Jared Sullinger, Harrison Barnes, Terrence Jones, and Jordan Taylor) it's pretty wide open after that.  Mbakwe is somewhere on that second tier, and with a legit chance to put up 18-12-2-1-2 with 60% shooting this year, I had to take him.

• ROUND 2 - DEE BOST, G, MISS STATE:  Bost managed to average north of 6 assists per game last year while scoring 15 points per contest.  His shooting percentage is a atrocious, but he's going to dominate the ball and put up some serious numbers.

• ROUND 3 - DREW GORDON, F, NEW MEXICO:   I love this pick.  He was the Mountain West newcomer of the year last season and is the front-runner for player of the year this year.  He could easily put up the same numbers as Mbakwe, but I got him three rounds later.

• ROUND 4 - JOSH SMITH, C, UCLA:  He slimmed down a bit and he's also had the talent, hopefully he's a little more motivated this year - and that weight loss is a good sign.  I'm a little bit nervous because the Wear twins are there now and he could end up losing playing time, but he was good last year with the talent to be great, and we start 3 centers so they're at a premium with 13 teams in the league.

•  ROUND 5 - ALLEN CRABBE, G, CAL:  Team was looking a little bit too front-court heavy, so I went with an all-around guard who can help out in most categories.  I regret this one a bit and am thinking I should have gone with Ramone Moore from Temple, but they're pretty similar statistically. 

• ROUND 6 - ANDREW SMITH, C, BUTLER:  I considered Smith a nice sleeper at C, but a huge run on the position caused me to move earlier than I wanted to.  Remember we start 3 centers, and in the last 10 picks prior to me going here Augustus Gilchrist (So Fl), Ralph Sampson (lol), Kenny Frease (Xavier), Reggie Johnson (Miami), and Greg Echenique (Creighton) - all centers - were taken.  I expect Smith to see a nice jump in production with Howard gone, and it was either get my 2nd center here or just forget about it altogether.  I still have some nice sleepers I can't mention here because stupid TRE reads this blog and is in the league, but I feel much better with 2 solid centers on board.

-  Error by Michael Young to open the bottom of the 4th.  I swear this is like watching adapted softball.

-  A 4-pitch walk, and then Andrus throws the ball about 200 feet too high trying to turn the double-play.  What an ugly game.  It's like watching the Twins play the Twins.

-  Top 5, now a 3-3 game and David Freese drops a pop-up.  He drops a pop-up.  He.  drops.  a.  pop-up.  So bizarre right now.  Nobody wants to win.

-  Aaaand I just missed a shitload of the game because my daughter is a psychopath.  It's now the bottom of the sixth, we're tied 4-4 with the bases loaded and one out, and Nick Punto is up.  I'm not going to lie to you, I totally have an erection right now.

-  Matt Holliday picked off third.  Wow.  And according to the inning summary Michael Young made another error as well.  Pretty good chance this is the worst played world series game in history.  Of course Nick Punto was involved.

-  Alexi Ogando just walked Punto to re-load the bases, which means if Matt Holliday didn't have his head up his ass (note:  that is valid for this entire series) the Cardinals take the lead.  Instead the bases are loaded for Jon Jay.  If I'm the Rangers I like my chances here.  Of course, Nick Punto just walked for like the 8th time this series, so whatevs.

-  Jay grounds out to the pitcher.  Colored me shocked.  Which would probably be some shade of blue.

-  Beltre goes yard to lead off the 7th, giving Texas teh lead and winning a bet for me.  Nice.

-  Cruz home run, which probably loses a bet for me.  The lord giveth and he taketh away.  But at least he digs gambling.

-  Nice work Lance Lynn, by the way.  I'm just stunned someone with your name is a terrible pitcher.  It's such a manly name you'd think you'd be throwing gas in the upper 90s and mixing in some filthy breaking stuff.  Instead it's like watching Jamie Moyer but if he never changed speeds.  I'm pretty sure Lance Lynn is the worst pitcher and person ever.  I heard he likes to torture kittens and kick babies.

-  Jesus christ there are five minutes left in this Houston/Rice football and Case Keenum has 483 yards passing with 8 TD passes.  Yes 8.  Houston is just ridiculous.  I don't know that it's even football they play, but they've perfected it.  Sure, there are wannabes like Texas Tech, but nobody has been able to perfectly copy whatever Houston's system is.  Both Andre Ware and David Klingler?  And now this Keenum cat?  Not to mention Kevin Kolb who is heading in that direction.  Just brilliant.  And all this with Donnie Avery being the only WR of note there ever, and I'm not even sure he's of note but I've heard of him because of my unhealthy love of Sam "Six Killer" Bradford.  Also this is way too long of a paragraph talking about a Houston QB.  I miss Rodney Peete.  Who has nothing to do with anything.  I really don't know where that came from.

-  I got to see the new Muppet movie last night as a sneak preview (comes out in a month).  Wonderbaby^TM liked it and so did I.  It was weird because the whole message of the movie was pretty much "Hey you've forgotten about the Muppets but they were a huge part of you life and guess what they're still awesome" and that's pretty much exactly how I felt.  I didn't really even realize how big they were in my own life, but watching this movie I remember every character, every bit, and every joke and when Kermit and the gang sang "Rainbow Connection" it was, no kidding, totally awesome.  Especially when Animal rocks out.  It was just so much fun. 

-  AAAAAH Derek Holland's mustache is back!   Also is Mike Adams dead?

-  Allen Craig goes yard here in the bottom of the 8th to make it a 7-5 ball game, filling in for the "injured" Matt Holliday.  Injured?  Well considering how lost he's looked at the plate, in the field, and on the base paths he better be injured and hopefully for him it's some sort of brain injury.  He's been absolutely terrible.

-  Tivo'd the new Beavis and Butthead tonight.  Gotta at least give it a shot, right?  For old, awesome times, sake? 

-  Weird play, but I guess it's fitting with tonight's theme of sucky plays.  Daniel LaRusso hits a routine grounder to Andrus who looks at second (runner on 1st) despite it being a pretty easy out, double pumps, throws it in the dirt to first and even though it's cleanly picked LaRusso beats it out like he beat up Johnny Lawrence.  Runner safe.  So weird.

-  Base knock for Jay, bases loaded.  Molina, of course, couldn't score because he's slower than dirt and he's still on the base paths because LaRussa will never, ever, take him out because of his defense.  Also the music guy at Busch is playing a little House of Pain here so I'm pretty sure Furcal's clearing the bases here.

-  Groundout to the pitcher.  Might as well have played a little Dido.

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why-y-y, we traded for Fur-cal.

-   My favorite part of this World Series is now when Tim McCarver said, "A home run doesn't tie it" when there was nobody on base and the Cardinals were down by two.  You can't pay for that kind of insight.  And Pujols just doubled with one out, so now a home run does tie it.  I think.  McCarver hasn't weighed in yet.  He's pretty much a slightly younger, more well-paid Sid Hartman, right?

-  Walk.  Things are interesting.

-  Feliz just froze Craig for strike 3.  And that pitch was a hanging slider.  Should have smoked that one.  Now just one out to go. 

-  I have a feeling Freese wants to walk here.  Looks like he has a giant Louisville Slugger in his rectum.  Also I hardly knew 'em.

-  Shows what I know because Freese just smoked one to the wall to tie the game and now he's sitting on third - the winning run.  Luckily Nelson Cruz's athleticism is approaching Manny from Modern Family levels.

-  We're going to extras.  And I'm supposed to go watch Parks and Rec.  Hold on, brb.

-  That is definitely the best show on tv.  And now I get to watch the rest of the game in speeded up time.

-  With one out Andrus singles, and McCarver can't hold himself back from talking about stealing bases.  Honest to god it's some sick sort of obsession.  It's all he ever talks about.  If we could find stats on this I bet 70% of the sentences he's said in this series have revolved around stolen bases or "sending the runner" which is extra creepy when you think about how often there has been nobody on base when he talks about it.

-  Hamilton with a moon shot and the Rangers are up 2.  Again.  Did that HR hit a fan in the head and kill him?  Seems likely.

-  He thrusts his fists against the post and still insists he sees the ghosts.

-  LaRusso leads off with a knock for the Cards.  They certainly aren't going away.  Although Jon Jay is up, so that's pretty much an automatic out.  The Cards should consider this a win if this isn't a double play. 

-  Texas-Leaguer, base hit for Jay.  2-on, nobody out, and we have a pitcher pinch-hitting for I assume a pitcher but I can't look it up because I'm on tivo and looking it up means I see a box score which means I learn stuff I don't want to.  And the pinch-hitter edwin jackson is pulled and now it's Kyle Lohse.  Former twin.  Up in a huge spot and being asked to bunt.  And since he's a pitcher the corners are going to be way in and if he gets the bunt down they'll get the out at third.  Same thing happened to Colby Lewis earlier.

-  Well he gets the runners over but only by making an absolutely horrendous bunt, which just happened to find an open area and was actually closer to a hit than an out.  Now Ryan theriot is up with runners on 2nd and 3rd and 1 out.  I think they should walk him and pitch to Pujols.

-  Ground out to score a run by Theriot (best case scenario if you're st. louis).  Tying run on second, Pujols up.  Do you walk him and put the winning run on base?  Tough call, but the Rangers are going to do it.  Single by Berkman ties it, double wins it, out ends it.  It ain't game 7, but there's some high drama here tonight.

-  Jesus christ.  Berkman singles to center to tie the game.  Winning run now on third.  I'm so tired and excited. 

-  We're going to 11 folks.

-  I fast forwarded through the top of the 11th to get live.  Nothing happened.

-  Home run David Freese, and of course Buck steals the "we'll see you tomorrow night" line.  Great series.  Calling it now:  Pujols at least 3 hits tomorrow, and probably 2 home runs.  Book it.

- 

Monday Musings (World Series, Vikings, Billy Beane, Racism in football, etc.)

I'm watching the World Series right now (currently 2-0 St. Louis in the 3rd) and watching the Rangers work on imploding, which is exactly what Detroit did to hand the Cards their last World Championship, when they were once again a substantial underdog.  So far C.J. Wilson has walked Lance Berkman after being ahead 0-2, and Berkman then advanced to third on David or Daniel Murphy's error on a single to left (which scored Holliday), and then scored when Keith Moreland's kid booted a ground ball.  C.J. Wilson also threw a Furcal bunt away, but was able to pitch out of it.  And now Moreland just hit a Thome-sized home run.  Looks like a ball game.  I'm not going to live blog it like, but I'll just do that thing where I type whatever comes into my head about whatever.  I guess that's what I usually do.  Whatever.  Shut your big fat face.

-  So I suppose, for the first time in two years, there's something worthwhile to talk about with the Vikings.  Of course, this is only because they have clearly jumped into rebuilding mold and Ponder gave everyone hope, but despite being impressed with Ponder I'm not exactly looking forward to the next couple of years. 

Here's your problem - too old and/or too bad.  What do you have?  Well you have a good start because you have one bona fide superstar on each side of the ball (AP and Jared Allen), both of whom will probably be able to give you 3-5 more years at a high level.  That's an excellent start, and far better than a lot of teams can build around.  But from there it's tough.

Ponder looked very good for it being his first start.  He made his mistakes, misjudged just how fast even an old cornerback is in the NFL, and made some interesting decisions, but he also made a lot of good throws, showed a lot of poise for a rookie, and never seemed rattled.  I don't know what exactly his upside is, but, at the very least, he looks like a young QB the team can build around.  It's been a long time since this team has had that (Culpepper), and I'd say Ponder's downside is as a middle of the pack type starter.  That's very, very good.

But what else do you have?  Nothing.  On offense the only other person who has big-time potential is Percy Harvin, but it's hard for me to see him as anything more than a kick returner slot receiver type.  I think his absolute upside is the kind of guy who can have a 5 catch-180 yd-2 td day and then follow it up the next week with 1 catch for 8 yards.  Who else is there?  Kyle Rudolph I guess, but I'm pretty sure everybody loves him because he's white and he's best friends with Ponder who, it turns out, is also white and everybody loves.  We'll see. 

The real problem here is that there is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, on that offensive line.  There is not one single player who starts on that line who would start for any other team in the league with the possible exception of Steve Hutchinson, but that doesn't matter because he's too old to matter when this team is 2-3 years away at a minimum.  Loadholt I suppose has some potential and I wouldn't exactly give up on him, but he's not nearly as good as I had hoped and the rest of these guys are fuckin' clown shoes.

And the defense?  Who, outside of Allen is remotely interesting?  Greenway is alright and Robison is fine as long as you're ok with a mediocre DE2, but that's it.  E.J. Henderson?  Please.  Guy is so overrated and still can't move around correctly.  Maybe after another year of healing he'll be ok but I'm not betting on it.  Kevin Williams is done, I have no idea who the other DT or LB is, and the only half-way decent defensive backs are a guy who has had 2 knee surgeries and a guy who is currently in jail.  Antoine Winfield is one of my favorite players ever but he's pretty much done unless he can move to safety which they should definitely try because Hussain Abdullah's one skill seems to be allowing the big play and also because he's probably a terrorist.

The good news is there are some legitimately nice players here - AP, Allen, Harvin, Ponder, and Greenway are all quality players.  The bad news is this isn't baseball or basketball and you can't just trade veterans from prospects and/or picks.  It's unfortunate, because guys like Winfield and Hutchinson would be perfect trade bait in other sports, but not the NFL so their kind of stuck.  So I guess my point is that the Vikings will be bad for a while but should at least be fun to watch.  So I guess that's something.  The Gophers are going to be terrible and no fun to watch, so I guess point NFL.

-  You know what I'd rather watch than that Captain America movie that's coming out on DVD tomorrow?  Anything.

-  You know what I do like though?  Walking Dead.  Very good show so far.  Not exactly the most realistic, but if you're looking for realism in a show about zombies I contend you're kind of lost already. 

-  Last time Pujols came up there as a runner on third with 1 out and they walked him.  Holliday grounded into a double play.  Now there are runners on 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs.  They're walking him again.  The intrigue is so thick you could cut it with a spoon.

-  Ground out to short.  Holliday is terrible.  Billy Beane was right again.

-  Know who the A's got for Holliday?  Shane Peterson, Clay Mortensen, and Brett Wallace.  Mortensen was then traded to the Rockies for Ethan Hollingsworth, Wallace was shipped to the Jays for Michael Taylor, and Peterson is still in the minors (along with Hollingsworth and Taylor).  And Beane originally had to give up Carlos Gonzalez, Huston Street, and Greg Smith to get Holliday.  So essentially he flipped a superstar outfielder (down year notwithstanding), a still capable closer, and a young starter who is already in the majors for three minor leaguers, only one of which (Taylor) is considered a top 20 prospect in their system.  I guess Joe Morgan was right, moneyball schmoneyball.

-  So not only am I playing in the fantasy Big 10 hoops league with my friends (Snacks, Dawger, Snake, Bogart, Optimator, Elk, and Grandslam), but I'm playing in a bigger college hoops league as well, similar to the won I played in - and won - 2 years ago.  We've got 13 teams and we're using the Big Six leagues plus the meaningful outliers (UNLV, BYU, New Mexico, Memphis, Gonzaga, etc.).  It's a lot harder, and I wish I could talk about it more in depth but unfortunately TRE from Still got Hope? (which if you don't read you should) is also in the league, so I can't divulge my secrets.  We fire up the draft tomorrow and it's slowish style so I might get like 2 picks per day.  I pick 9th, and I'll give you a hint (and also TRE picks after me) - if he's there I'm going to go with a guy whose name rhymes with Shumbakwe and probably has a huge crank.

-  That "huge crank" talk is probably inappropriate but I'm going to leave it in there because it's just going to help the google search results.  Also megan fox lesbian kiss midget vagina fart ass sex nick punto.

-  Speaking of Nick Punto vagina farts, he just struck out with runners on 2nd and 3rd and 2 outs.  Big spot there.  Punto's definitely the guy I'd want up in that situation.

-  Adrian Beltre just hit a home run on a lollipop curve ball from his knees.  No lie.  That was pretty weird and impressive.  Now 2-2.  This has been a great series.

Big fuckin' deal, Beltre.  I could've done that do if that dickhead Veeck would've let me swing.

-  So this morning before work one of our Direct TV remotes stopped working.  It had been going and even when we switched batteries it didn't get any better and today it was just done.  So I looked it up on their website and I can get a replacement remote for $15.  I figured cool, that's a reasonable price and I'll swing by the nearest retailer to my house and see how much more it is, thinking I'd be willing to pay $5-$10 to have it tonight rather than waiting for it to ship.  So I get home from work, grab my damn wiener kids so Mrs. W can do her Tae Bo or yoga or whatever it is tonight, and run up to said retailer.  Almost immediately find the remote.  It's priced at $44.99.  Forty.  Five.  Fucking.  Dollars.  Naturally I walked out without it and am now watching the game with no ability to flip channels on the commercials or mute Tim McCarver, but I'm sure as shit not paying 200% more than I have to.  I'll wait a couple days, thanks.

-  Top 7, tie game.  Allen Craig or someone with a name like that, walks with one out and then tries to steal second and is out by two billion feet.  And now they're walking Pujols.  And guess what they would have done if that steal would have been successful?  Yep.  Walked him.  Since he's nearly as likely to hit an XBH as get a single, maybe you just stay put on first, ok?  I get the stolen base and it certainly has it's place, but these two managers both seem to be way to obsessed with it and have both screwed their teams over in this series.  Also let's see if Holliday can go 0-3 after getting slapped in the mouth.

-  Hey a base hit!  Way to go little buddy!  And thanks to a whole bunch of thrown the ball around-itis, we're at 2nd and 3rd with 2 outs.  20 bucks says Berkman strikes out for the 3rd time tonight.

-  I missed what happened with Berkman but the bases were loaded when David Freese struck out so I assume they walked him.

Let me guess, you were expecting a picture of Arnold as Mr. Freeze?  You probably don't even know who this is, do you you unoriginal bastard? 

-  By the way you should probably ignore everything I wrote about the Vikings above.  I made most of that up. 

-  Bottom 7, 1 out, Kinsler on first.  20 bucks says they send him here. 

-  Nope, but Elvis Andrus struck out on 3 pitches.  God they'd be so much better if they hit Napoli or Cruz or even Beltre second.  But of course, Ron Washington can't do that.  You gotta have a guy there who can handle the bat, right Gardy and every other manager in the stupid world.  And Dawger.

-  Ever want to combine racism with football?  Go nuts. 

-  After a leadoff hit by Yadier Molina I'm pretty sure the Cardinals just pinch hit for Skip Schumaker with Ryan Theriot just so he could sac bunt.  You're telling me a dude named Skip can't bunt?  You might as well tell me that sliding into first doesn't get you there faster.  I can't believe it.  I won't.

-  Punto blows it again, striking out in a still tied game with a runner on 2nd and 1 out.  Takes a special kind of guy to constantly disappoint two franchises.

-  In one fantasy league I'm in today I was offered Cam Newton and James Starks in exchange for Hakeem Nicks and LaSean McCoy.  So that was pretty fun.

-  Bases loaded.  One out.  Bottom of the 8th.  2-2 game.  Mike Napoli up.  A hit, and particularly an extra-base hit, would help my bank account tremendously.  Na-Po-Li.  Na-Po-Li.  Na-Po-Li.

-  Double, scores 2.  Damn dude, shit never works out like this for me.

-  That message board I posted earlier really thinks Peyton Hillis is being held down because he's white.  Why can't they just accept that he's terrible at football?  Probably a good blocker though.

-  I couldn't tell you one thing about Lance Lynn.  Well, other than he's a pitcher for St. Louis who is about to come into a high leverage situation in the World Series.

-  Your name is Lance Lynn and you're gonna roll out the perm?  Interesting choice.  Also he just intentionally walked Ian Kinsler and then got yanked.  Looks like LaRussa  has his overmanaging pants on again.

Oh hello.  I pitch for the Cardinals.

-  Feliz now in for the ninth and he gets 2 strikes on Craig and then plunks him right in the back shoulder on a pitch that was so zeroed in on him that there was no way Craig could've gotten out of the way even if his life was on the line.  Pujols up.  Tying run, can't walk him.  Nice.

-  Jesus Pujols has a great eye.  Now at 3-2.  Laid off three close ones but were clearly balls.  He's really good at hitting stuff. Not unlike Chris Cook, I suppose.

-  Strike 'em out throw 'em out.  Pujols whiffs on a pitch that was ball four and Craig is tossed easily and I have no clue why they sent him.  I know Albert doesn't strike out a ton, but you just took a runner out who, really, didn't matter.  If he gets to second and scores on a single who fucking cares, you're still down by a run.  Stupid play.  Tony LaRussa outsmarted himself here tonight.  I hope Holliday hits a home run here.

-  Holliday walks.  Will probably get thrown out stealing.  Stay tuned.

-  Berkman whiffs.  Texas wins.  Pretty sure we're going 7 folks.  Adios and good night.

World Series Game 1

Man I love the stupid World Series.  Even when it's Texas vs. St. Louis and I can't even decide who I'm rooting for until I put money down on Texas.  I watched the top of the first while folding clothes and drinking a Hamm's and saw Texas kill its early momentum by being too obsessed with running.  Seriously, McCarver and buck suck and are prone to hyperbole, but Yadier Molina really is that good when it comes to throwing out base-runners so here's a tip - don't freaking run on him.  I mean jesus christ Ron Washington, you were on the Oakland A's staff in the salad days of moneyball, did you learn nothing?  I guess that's why you never trust a crackhead manager.

7:17 - Furcal walks to start things up for St. Louis.  Tonights' action:  Rangers to win, over 7.5 total runs, David Freese no RBI, Adrian Beltre YES Hit, Nelson Cruz YES to strikeout, Mike Napoli to have more total bases than Yadier Molina, and Furcal no RBI.  They all matter, but that Furcal no RBI is a monster wager.  We need that one.

7:19 - I think Tim McCarver is watching a completely different game than everybody else.  It's either that or he's completely insane.

7:24 - Michael Young weakly grounds to 2nd and I'm reminded that I hate him.  Throughout the ALDS, which was not a bastion of profit, whatever I bet he did the opposite.  Bet on him to K before he gets a hit, he gets a hit in the first inning.  Bet on him to get a hit, and he goes 0-4.  I think I was like 1-5 wagering on him.  I hope he dies.

7:25 - Base knock for Beltre, a double down the line.  I always like winning those bets on the guys first time up.  Now maybe Nelson could whiff here for me.

7:27 - Joe Buck just said, "It's now 2-1 to a guy who is 31."  What kind of weird ass sentence is that?  What's next, "Here comes the pitch from a guy who really, really digs pine nuts in his salad."

7:28 - Cruz apparently didn't wear his chasing pants tonight because Cruz walks after completely refusing to chase Carpenter's slider which he threw low and away four times.  I'm pretty sure Cuddyer took a swing at his TV there at least twice.

7:30 - That's the second time Carpenter's thrown one in the dirt and yelled "God damn it" loud enough for the camera mics to pick it up.  Pretty sure little Joey Buck's ears are bleeding.  Also DP by Napoli.

7:36 - Lance Berkman, fourth all-time in home runs amongst switch hitters.  That seems odd for some reason.  FUN FACT:  Former Twin Chili Davis is fifth and former Twin Ruben Sierra is 8th, and right up until this very minute of my life I had completely forgotten Sierra played for the Twins.

7:41 - FUN FACT #2 - Roy Smalley holds five of the top 10 HR hitting seasons by a switch-hitter in Twins history.  Of course, it's not a very distinguished list considering Bobby Kielty is in 6th place and Cris Guzman is top 10, but still.

7:45 - Uneventful inning.  But that reminds me that you wanted to know why I was drinking Hamm's.  It's because the local liquor store had it on sale for $11.99 for the 30-pack.  How could I not buy it?  I mean, it's from the land of sky blue waters (waters).  And I have to admit, it is the beer refreshing.

7:47 - What a quaint little story by McCarver.  Turns out C.J. Wilson, get this, even though he's a pitcher, you're not going to believe it, but he considers himself a hitter.  OMG that's so crazy!  He's such a unique snowflake with his California surfer attitude and his really unique necklace that every god damn pitcher in the league wears.

7:53 - Nick freaking Punto with a base hit to lead off the bottom of the third.  Not only is this annoying because he's Nick Punto, but it sets up a sac bunt by Carpenter and then Furcal can get an RBI with a hit AND THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.  Also I'm pretty sure Punto slid into first even though he lined it into center.  They didn't show or anything, but I can just feel it.

God Damn that Punto gives me a boner

7:55 - Carpenter strikes out, which is good.  Still need no extra base hit from Furcal here.  Or maybe an xbh but then Punto slides head first into third instead of scoring.  Because he's so gritty, you see.

7:57 - Furcal whiffs on a pitch that barely crossed the plate in the air and was missed by at least 2 feet.  Now that reminded me of Twins baseball.

8:04 - Tim McCarver is interviewing Ron Washington.  This is like Richard Dawkins interviewing Stephen Hawking, only the exact opposite.

8:06 - Another 1-2-3 inning.  Glad Snacks convinced me to take the over. 

8:13 - Punto hit by a pitch, Holliday double, and Berkman scores them both home by not being able to catch up to a pitch and fisting it into right.  It counts, I know, it's just blah.  I remember the last time these guys were in the Series (I think) and the Tigers should have smoked 'em but they have some kind of jedi mind shit over teams.  It's happening again.

8:14 - I just realized I typed Punto when I meant Pujols.  HE'S IN MY HEAD, MAN!!!

8:18 - With Berkman on 2nd and 2 outs they intentionally walk Punto, and yes this time it is Punto, and that has got to be the first time that's ever happened.  Checking Baseball Reference, and Punto has actually been intentionally walked 9 times in his career (3 this year, 1 with the phils, and 5 with the Twins).  How could he possibly have been IBB'd as a Twin?  Gotta be interleague, right?  I mean it has to be.  I need to figure this out.

8:26 - Carpenter strikes out Cruz with Beltre on 2nd.  The important thing is that that's another bet won.

8:28 - Napoli with a monster shot to right to make it a 2-2 game.  That also gives him a 4-0 advantage in total bases over Molina.

8:30 - This infrared shit might be literally the gayest thing I've ever seen.  McCarver, "This is weird to me, I don't know how you do that."  With infrared cameras you dumb fucking hick.  I swear to god I'm going to find out where he lives and stab him in the tongue with a crocodile.

8:31 - "That camera reminds me of The Thing."  - Tim McCarver.  I'm 99.9% sure he means Predator.  It seems weird to hate someone you've never even met and who is mostly harmless, and yet here we are.

8:38 - A Furcal walk (with no RBI) and then a sac bunt and we have a fast runner on 2nd, representing the go-ahead run, with one out and Albert Pujols up.  Looks like this is where we find out just how valuable he really is oh wait no I guess we don't because they're walking him.  Damn it I wanted to see this.  Now I'm going to have to watch Matt Holliday ground into a double play.

8:39 - McCarver, "Pitchers really struggle to pitch around batters because they're trained to throw strikes and when you ask them not to they can't make that adjustment."  I'm now thinking some kind of garrotte.  Or maybe just C.J. Wilson's cool hip California style necklace.

8:41 - I love it when I call things.  Double play for Holliday.  And that shit rhymes, homeslice.

8:44 - Kinsler with a nice texas leaguer into right for a knock to lead off the sixth.  Hopefully the Rangers don't do any kind of running here.  I could accept a sac bunt from Andrus, if need be.

8:46 - Sac bunt down, now time to see if Hamilton can be a hero or if he's really just a fan murderer.  McCarver, "This is a really evenly matched World Series."  Well, Tim, actually the Rangers are fairly heavy favorite and would likely be almost 1-2 to win if they had home field advantage, so once again you're wrong.  I'm not entirely certain McCarver could outwit a briefcase full of crackers.

The battle of wits has begun

8:48 - McCarver:  "as a pitcher you have to have complete confidence in your catcher where you can throw the ball in the dirt with a runner on third."  He said this after a pitch that was at the batter's knees.  Also no run scored. 

8:56 - Freese with a double with one out (which is fine because there was nobody on base).  With Molina up followed by Punto and pitcher why not just walk Molina?  Punto is terrible and since he already has a hit tonight you know he can't possibly get another one, then the pitcher in which case you force the Cards to pinch hit and get Carpenter out of the game.  Win win win.

8:58 - Wild pitch moves Freese to third.  Looks like Wilson can't trust Napoli.  Probably because he's Sicilian.  I kind of wish I hadn't used my Vezzini picture already.

9:00 - Wilson whiffs Molina on a huge, huge pitch.  All he had to do was put that ball in play and St. Louis takes the lead, instead there are 2 outs and it's up to Nick Punto to get the runner home.  Watch, that little dick is going to get a hit now too, just to eff with me.

9:03 - They walk Punto non-intentionally but intentionally to get Carpenter out of the game.  Makes sense, but now you're facing a legit major league hitter when you could have faced Punto, one of the worst hitters in the history of the game.  Tecas countering with Ogando.  Good move here.  Good game for Wilson, but it's time go get the Ogandonator in there.  I just made that up.

9:08 - And THAT's why you pitch to a shitty hitter like Punto when you have a chance.  Craig, the pinch-hitter for Carpenter, singles to right to score the go-ahead run.

9:09 - Oh shit that means Furcal is up with a runner on third.  God please just bean him or something.

9:11 -  Furcal hits the shit out of it but thankfully he's a little noodle-armed weiner and it dies at the warning track.  I'm not going to lie to you, I'm pretty sure I just made some pants chocolate.

9:12 - These Chili-Lime almonds are really the cat's pajamas.

9:15 - I wonder if this Fernando Salas character is at all related to former Twin Mark Salas.  I kind of doubt it because he's not a big fat pile of goo.  Still, I'll always have a soft spot in my hard for Mark Salas because his was the first autograph I ever got.  It looked like M-scribble S-scribble, but it's a nice memory.  Not like that fuckface Jeff Reardon.

9:20 - I stopped paying attention for a minute but now the Rangers have 2 on and 1 out and Mark Salas is out and the guy with the weird polish name is in.

9:26 - Polish guy strikes out Dennis Nedry in a huge spot, which once again validates the Colby Rasmus trade because polish guy was one of a couple of relievers they picked up.  Rangers have one more shot, but they're pinch hitting with Esteban German so they might as well not have pinch hit.

9:29 - Polish guy whiffs German, which is no surprise.  Slightly more surprising is after that when McCarver says, "It's a five-letter word, S-T-R-I-K-E."  Now, the fact that it's a six letter word isn't even the least bit surprising at this point because it seems like exactly the kind of thing McCarver would say.  Better, though, is that he never follows up on it.  That's his entire point.  He says nothing else, there's awkward silence, and then we cut to some army dude singing.  So bizarre.  I assume twitter must be blowing up about this.  I'd check it, but I'm about 20 minutes behind due to tape delay so I don't want to spoil anything.

9:34 - McCarver, "By the way, I figured out between innings that strike has six letters, not five."  I'll give it to him, I never expected a classic doucher like McCarver to admit his own error.

9:43 - No runs scored, and we go to the 8th.  I seem to be getting a bit sleepy.  Damn Hamm's.

9:45 - So I went to the Gopher tip-off deal last Friday night with Wonderbaby^TM, and it really didn't go all that well.  They started late, I assume because the autograph part of it went long, the intros took forever since they introduced like 30 alumni who were there, and then they ended up skipping the skills competiton for current players (although we did get to see Abdul-Shamala and Brent Lawson win for the alumni).  Then they went to the halfcourt shot thing, which was really stupid because nobody made one so it was really boring.  Then my lovely daughter had finished her popcorn and mello yello and was pretty bored because "nobody's even playing, daddy" and it was almost 2 hours past her bedtime so we left.  Which means other than the half-court shot I didn't see any current players do anything outside of warmup.  Still kind of excited for the year though.  I'm kinda dumb that way.

9:53 - no runs again, despite the Rangers getting a shot at the world's oldest lefty Arthur Lee Rhodes.  We go bottom 8, still 3-2 National League.

9:57 - I miss Derek Holland's mustache.

9:58 - Berkman with an infield hit to open the bottom of the 8th, which seems weird when you think about how he's 800 years old and kind of fat.  The good part of this is, by the way, is that it seems David Freese is out of the lineup and I didn't even know it.  His replacement tosses down a nice sac bunt, setting things up for Molina, Punto, and pitcher's spot.  A true murderer's row.  Although compared to Repko, Butera, Tolbert......I'm just sayin'.

10:01 - IT'S ALL UP TO PUNTO

10:03 - There's not a lot of meat in these gym mats. 

10:04 - Punto whiffs.  I laugh.

10:07 - Looks like Jason Motte is the closer tonight.  I can't keep up.  I do know that I don't like him because I took him like 2-3 years ago late in a fantasy baseball draft because a friend of mine told me he was a "great sleeper" because nobody really knew him and he was assured to win the closer role.  Which he did, but then he pitched as if he was throwing BP and lost the job and my heart.

10:09 - Tim McCarver is definitely retarded.

10:12 - they get all the outs and the Cardinals win.  This game got kind of boring.  Needed more Punto.

Mega Piranhas? (Live movie blog)

Tonight is weird. Due to circumstances not worth getting into here I am currently without internet or TV of any kind, cable or otherwise. What I do have, however, is a working DVD player, a DVD of the smash hit "Mega Piranha", and some beers. Let's see what kind of magic we can make, shall we?

- Right away I'm going to tell you that I'm very concerned about this movie based on the cover. Since I don't have an internet connection (I'm typing this on Word and will paste it into blogger later) I can't paste it in here, so let me try to describe it......it's a giant f*cking piranha eating an aircraft carrier, with several other piranhas of the "mega" variety that appear to be flying through the air. So, to recap, it appears this movie might feature piranhas the size of a city block that can fly. Optimistic, I am not.

- What I'm hoping this movie might be about is Nick Punto, Lew Ford, Jason Tyner, Luis Castillo, and Jason Bartlett combining to form one, Voltron-like mega-piranha. Ozzie Guillen would have a heart attack.

- I will also tell you that I have had to restart this twice already to get it to work. That does not bode well. It seems to be working now, except for the fact that for some reason I’m seeing a meteor from outer space fall to earth and cause mass destruction. They already did this in Raging Sharks, a movie of which you can find a live blog of right on this very site.

- False alarm. I’m actually watching the preview for Meteor Apocolypse, which once again proves I’m an idiot. I also have no plans to watch Meteor Apocolypse. I also can’t spell Apocolypse. We’re off to a great start.

- Before we get started I want to mention something genius Dan Gladden said on tonight’s radio broadcast. Thome was up in a 3-2 game in the 8th, and apparently they had some kind of wicked shift on as usual and so he tried to bunt. Gladden said he had talked to Thome, who had said he would try that if the team ever needed a base runner. Gladden said, “We don’t need a base runner, we need a home run.”

Dan Gladden, the same guy who is always harping on and on about manufacturing runs and getting on base and blah blah blah, just completely contradicted himself. I don’t know why I would expect anything less.

- We’re starting this movie at the Orinoco River, which looks like a cross between paradise and hell – like Jamaica. I’m not some fancy scientist so I can’t tell you where the Orinoco River is, but based on the actors here speaking Mexican, I’m going to assume it’s in South America.

- Some little Chiquita banana chick just got eaten by what I can only assume are piranhas, but it was just like straight up normal piranhas, which rarely if ever attack humans, preferring to dine on smaller animals and fish and carrion when available. Now we cut to the credits, which seem to be trying to show some kind of mutant cells, only it looks more like somebody playing Asteroids.

- Jesus the music in this movie is intense already. I feel like we’re at the climax already and we’re only three minutes in. This is clearly not a John Williams production. And speaking of that, when is Jaws going to come out on Blu-ray? I got a Blu-ray player, and the thing is freakin’ sweet and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves looks like I’m actually in the middle ages firing and queer-ass Celts with my sweet longbow, but we can’t get one of the best movies of all-time, which is just begging for the HD treatment, on Blu-ray? Who’s in charge over there, Ron Gardenhire?

- So credits role, and now we’re back to the Orinoco River (which they had to tell us again) except now we’re on a boat with a bunch of fat creepy old men and Latina chicks with no bikini tops (note: far less exciting then the description makes it sound). Also, I might be wrong on this but I can’t look it up for sure, but aren’t piranhas basically localized to the Amazon and that’s it? I would question myself, but since this is a SyFy movie with “Mega” in the title I’m going to go ahead and trust myself.

- The piranhas just chewed through the boat and sunk it in order to dine on sweet, sweet human flesh and latina breasts. Still, again, regular piranhas. Followed again by intense music. Good god. And there is that guy from the Brady Bunch. I think he was the older brother. He’s some CIA guy who just sent some Bourne wannabe to the Orinoco River to “check out what happened” since one of the creepy old pervs was a US diplomat or some such. Still following? Me neither. And we’re 11 minutes in.

- Hey Tiffany is in this! Like, “I think we’re alone now” Tiffany, who is playing a genetic engineer in a brilliant bit of casting. First Debbie Gibson in Megashark vs. Giant Octopus (also blogged here somewhere) and now Tiffany? They both did Playboy too. I heard from someone. I wouldn’t know. Didn’t look up the pics online at all. Didn’t even know the internet had that kind of thing. It was invented so researchers at different institutions could share their findings, pervs. You guys corrupt everything.

- Little bit of explanation here. Seems these piranhas have been genetically engineered, but something has gone wrong and they are now doubling in size approximately every 36 hours. This would probably explain the DVD cover. This movie is dropping plot points on us at a very rapid pace. I can hardly keep up.

- I was talking to a friend of mine today, and somehow taking food into a movie theater came up. He told me he’s taken a burrito from Chipotle into a theater before, as well as Subway and Jimmy John’s. I get the sandwiches, that’s actually genius, but does it seem really weird to anybody else to take a gigantic burrito, the size of a mega piranha after 72 hours, into a movie theater? Am I the weird one here?

- Tiffany explains they genetically altered the food supply to something something something and now one of the piranha groups grew too aggressive and too big and have no either been escaped or been stolen. She’s also a terrible actress.

- Do you guys remember when The Todd used to comment here all the time? And he even posted once in a while and had some pretty good random thoughts from The Todd when he got drunk on random afternoons? What ever happened to that guy? When Klinger ran off to Europe did it break his heart? Does he now spend his time sitting by the window, watching the rain fall and matching it’s drops with the tears running down his face, playing I Think We’re Alone Now on his recorder he stole from seventh grade music class?

- The fake Jason Bourne guy, let’s call him Lew Ford, now has to sneak around because the government of whatever hell hole country this is won’t let him investigate. The guy said why but it was in foreign and I wasn’t paying attention enough to read the subtitles. Stupid fancy artsy film.

- I don’t remember if this Brady Bunch guy is the one who turned out to be gay or the one who was sleeping with Marsha. Can’t get much further apart than that.

- Lew Ford just got attacked by a piranha! Not sure if it was Punto or Tyner.

- Oh. My. God. Nick Punto just jumped out of the water to attack Lew Ford while he was standing on shore. Like flying through the air. Then he stabbed it and killed it. Then, to get back, he got back in the water to get to his boat. To recap, after seeing giant, blood-thirsty piranha in the water, including one that was so aggressive it came after him like Nick Punto sliding into first, he got back in the water to swim to his boat. I’ve watched a lot of bad movies, and usually they are enjoyable on some level, but this one is basically unwatchable.

- Tiffany examines the carcass, and reports that they have two hearts. I don’t have a comment here, just wanted to toss that in just in case you didn’t think this movie was ridiculous enough.

- That colonel guy’s plan to deal with the piranhas? Take a helicopter and alternately fire missiles and machine guns into the river. Who wrote this, a four year old?

- You want a prediction on what else they’ll ruin? I read earlier today that dirt scientists found the intact skeleton of a prehistoric whale-like creature that was sixty feet long with razor sharp teeth over a foot long. Pretty badass, right? Well there’s some clown right now churning out a script for “Mega-Whale” or “Super Killer Whale” where one of these ends up being unthawed from a glacier and still alive, and then probably grows legs and invades Manhattan. Like Jason, but less gay.

- Uh oh. The missiles only killed 35 specimens, not nearly enough. Who would have thought that indiscriminately firing weapons into a gigantic river wouldn’t have got everything?

- Somebody just got eaten by piranhas, but honestly I have no idea who or why he was in the water. Let’s just assume they flew (much like the classic, Piranha II: The Spawning, a DVD I just acquired for free, possibly coming to a blog near you).

- I haven’t commented on the special effects yet, but as you would imagine they are poor. The piranhas appear to be cardboard cut outs in most cases, similar to Matt Tolbert playing shortstop.

- I don’t know exactly why, but Brady Bunch guy just told Lew Ford, “We’ve got to keep those scientists safe!” but he said it with the same inflection and passion that Joe Mauer shows in his commercials. Seriously, if I had to pick one thing that was the best in this movie out of plot, effects, acting, or writing, I’d just shoot myself in the calf.

- Should we talk about the free agency thing in the NBA that’s going on right now? It’s pretty frickin’ fun, at least. I can’t remember holy crap Tiffany has a large chest a single offseason that was ever close to this in terms of interestinglyness. And of course, we get the Wolves, who bring over some Eurodork and then sign Darko for 4 years and 20 million.

I was hoping they would resign him, because he must have some talent in there somewhere to have been drafted second overall (before Wade, Bosh, and Carmelo – oof) and he did seem to blossom somewhat once Rambis gave him actual playing time, but I’m not sure about this contract. I think four years is fine, and I think 5 million per is fine, but I’m not sure about them altogether. I think maybe 2 years/10 mil or 4 years 12 million makes a lot more sense.

We’ll see. This could end up being brilliant.

- I can’t really adequately describe this, but a piranha just leapt threw the air and impaled itself upon a lighthouse trying to eat someone. A lighthouse. A big, giant, normal sized lighthouse. So yes, my fears from the DVD cover appear to be accurate.

- Ok, now, smaller piranhas, about the size of a 42 inch television, just started jumping out of the river to eat Lew Ford. However, he was lying on his back, and he was able to bicycle kick them away. I’m rewinding so I can count how many. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Twelve. Lionel Messi would be proud. And this movie is even taking place in Argentina (I think). Poetic justice. Assuming I’m right and Messi is from Argentina. There is a large chance I’m wrong.

- According to some dirtball looking scientist guy, these piranhas will be the size of a rhinoceros in 8 hours. Um, dude, I don’t know if you saw that one get spitted by a lighthouse, but they’re way bigger than that. Unless SyFy saw fit to introduce a plot point that didn’t fit with the rest of the movie or what, you know, we actually see on screen. That can’t be right.

- God damn word is now effing with my post trying to format it into bullets. If this looks weird it’s not my fault.

- Do you want to know what’s awesome? I am now in possession of a Matt Wieters autographed baseball thanks to awesome reader Kate. The rest of you slouches could take a lesson from her and start sending me some kick-ass stuff, instead of just assuming you’re entitled to free entertainment. Typical Americans. Plus, bacon-flavored sunflower seeds. Bacon. Flavored. Sun. Flower. Seeds.

- Lew Ford: “This just got real.” Indeed, my friend, indeed. It’s been real from the beginning. There’s a car chase right now. I’d tell you why but I have no idea. And Lew Ford keeps talking in some deep, fakey, super serious voice. I want to punch him.

- Uh oh. They just showed an aircraft carrier. I fear it is going to be eaten by Luis Castillo and friends.

- You know how creature movies on Sci Fi can’t ever let the conflict just be about the monster? And how they always have to create outside conflict? In this one, it’s the Argentinian (?) military against the scientists, and I haven’t really been able to figure out why, but now the military guys are actively hunting the scientists through the swamps of South American and are trying to kill them. It’s like the catholic church versus Galileo, but with stupid people.

- I just got distracted playing Family Feud on Facebook (thanks Nutter) since I found a rogue internet connection, but right now we have tidal waves the size of the one that killed that one state due to huge piranhas which have apparently made their way to the ocean. I can only assume this means they’ve acquired the ability to breath salt water. I’d love to rip the science in this movie, as per usual, but they haven’t even made an attempt to make any kind of sense at all. Of any kind.

- Seriously this is the worst thing ever. Now that I think about it, they never even bothered to explain their “genetic experiment.” So the whole crux of this movie, a genetic experiment gone wrong, was explained as “a genetic experiment gone wrong.” They gave us nothing. At least attempt to explain. Even Malibu Shark Attack, the worst movie ever for science (as seen on this very blog) made an attempt. Poor form, Mega Piranha, poor form.

- Tiffany: “They have three stomachs.” No explanation or theory as to why that would be any kind of advantage, no explanation as to why that would happen, no nothing. I’m not asking for much, really I’m not, but you could at least make an effort.

- Jesus this cat sitting on my leg just farted. That is rank.

- I don’t expect a lot of science from these, obviously, but one of the best parts of watching this crap is ripping on their stupid science. But they don’t even bother here. They give us no plot, no science, no good acting or writing – nothing. This might seem counterintuitive, but at least the older ones made an attempt at something. It might have been bad (it was), it might have sucked (it did), it might not have made sense (it didn’t’), but this movie gives me nothing. It’s just garbage. I hope this isn’t what we can expect from SyFy going forward. If you’re going to make stupid retarded movies like this, you have to give the weirdos who secretly like them (hi) something to grab on to. This had nothing. It just made me want to kill myself.

- They just shot a nuclear warhead at Matt Macri and friends. Apparently it just made them bigger because they just ate a submarine, a submarine that looked like a toy next to them. Because it was. Jesus, I can take Wonderbaby’s toys and make a better movie than this.

- New plan: Let’s make one of them bleed, and the others will turn on him. I’m not sure if it’s the beer or this movie sucking the brain out of me, but I seriously can’t come up with words.

- I’m fast-forwarding. This is the worst movie ever. This makes Sharks in Venice (which you can find on this weblog) look like Groundhog Day (best movie ever).

- The piranhas are now the size of airplanes. Also what’s awesome is every time one of them jumps into a hotel (don’t ask) it immediately bursts into flames. It’s like a Michael Bay movie.

- You know how we’re going to fix this? Navy Seals. Because nothing says doom for a giant school of 80-foot long aggressive fish with giant teeth like humans with pop guns. Not to be confused with Ice Cube and George Clinton’s bop gun.

- Fast forwarding. How long is this movie, like 800 minutes?

- I think I just saw a lightsaber. Not going to rewind. Makes the movie better.

- Here’s how they win: Lew Ford shot one with an underwater bop gun. It bled. They went into a feeding frenzy and, apparently, they all ate each other. Not making this up.

- Roll credits. Wow.

- I’d do a wrap-up here, but wow. Brutal. No words.

Random Thoughts whilst watching the Twins game

-  Hey Punto, when you end up on the ground after throwing the ball all the way from the infield grass over to first base you don't look like a gritty hustler, you look like a moron.

-  Text from Snacks at the game:  "I'm actually watching Matt Wieters in person.  He looks 10 feet tall."  Seems low.

-  Hey Bert, when Miguel Tejada slides into first base on a close play on a grounder, you shouldn't laud him for being a great leader for a young team at age 35.  First, he's from Latin America which means he's probably closer to 40, and second, sliding into first is literally one of the dumbest things you can do on a baseball field.  For an ex-player you are insanely dumb.

-  You know what makes me feel really grown up and classy?  The fact that I'm sitting here drinking Captain Cokes.  After this maybe I'll just wash it down with some Coors Lights from the fridge.  I can't decide if I feel more college or more trailer.

-   Do you realize that both Ron Coomer and Dan Gladden are affiliated with the Twins in some sort of broadcast capacity?  Don't you want to look for maybe more, I don't know, cerebral ex-players to fill these roles?  I get Bert, because he's very friendly and personable in both real life and on the broadcast, so his dumb little things he says are almost endearing, but Coomer and Gladden drive me crazy.  Especially Gladden.  The Dazzle Man?  The Dazzle Man?  Dear god, why?

-  So apparently on the broadcasts now they do a "Legendary Performance on this date in Twins' history" thing.  Tonight's was from 2008, when Joe Mauer doubled in the top of the ninth to break up Gavin Floyd's no-hitter - a game the Sox won 7-1.  Seriously?  That's the best thing you could find on this date in Twins' history?  Something that the White Sox could use as a legendary performance on this date in their history?  Or is this just a Joe Mauer thing?  Like, every day they have to say something Mauer did once?  So maybe tomorrow it could be "On this date in 2007 Joe Mauer actually played catcher in a day game following a night game."  Awesome.

-  I somehow missed Wieters second at-bat.  How is he 0-2?  Is Carl Pavano now Warren Spahn?  What's happening here?

-  Kubel almost got a hit!  That would have made him 2-2!  Yep, facing Brad Bergeson cures all.

-  Did you know Alexi Casilla has stole 29 bases out of 32 attempts in his career?  That's incredible.   And just now FSN flashed that same stat up, thus meaning I wasted my time looking it up on my own.  Thanks, dicks.

-  Even with that success rate, however, in the five pitches they threw Punto (which ended in him, yes, sliding headfirst into first base) they didn't send him.  Know why?  Wieters.

-  Don't you find it awfully fishy that Dick and Bert get the daily trivia question right like, 99% of the time?  I'm pretty sure if you came up to them on the street and asked who was the all-time leader in home runs they wouldn't be able to get it, yet they just nailed all four Oriole managers since Ron Gardenhire took over.  Suspicious.

-  Bert now whining about how so many players who have hit more HRs than Harmon Killebrew are "tainted."  Then he said Jim Thome "has no taint."  I'll leave that one alone.

-  Wieters with a great at-bat, falling behind 0-2 and then fighting back to work a walk.  Guy is just solid.  Like Jesus.  Just a solid dude.

-  Brad Bergeson entered tonight's game with an ERA of 10.57 and a WHIP of 2.22 over 5 starts.  He hadn't even made it to the sixth at any point this season, and got ripped by teams like Seattle and Toronto.  He was so bad he was sent to triple-A at one point this year.  He is so bad, I just realized I've been spelling his name wrong this whole time.  And yet, he's now shut the Twins out through six and allowed just five hits.  Jesus, talk about an emotional hangover after sweeping Detroit.

-   The Twins trying to hit Bergeson is like Audrina trying to look like less than a perfect 10.  Futile.

-  Well, they finally chased Bergeson, and we now have two on and two out in a 2-0 game with Morneau up facing some fat lefty they just brought in.  Since Morneau is on my fantasy team, I'm going to predict a weak ground-out.

-  Well, he got him 0-2 and then walked him.  You might say that Morneau is very Wieters-like in his ability to work the count.

-  And Thome strikes out with the bases loaded, still 2-0 Orioles.  They should have signed Jermaine Dye instead.

-  This is a really impressive outing for Pavano.  8 ips, 6 hits, 8 Ks.  Other than that home run to Wiggington he's been basically flawless.  On a related note, did you know Wigginton has 10 home runs this year?  How can that even be possible?  His career high is 24, and now he's on pace to hit 50.  Probably a roids guy.  Also, did you know he finished 8th in the rookie of the year voting in 2003?  You probably didn't.  That's why I'm here.  I'm an educator.  You're welcome.

-  Funny story.  You know that MacGruber movie that's coming out that is based on those terrible SNL sketches and seems like the worst thing you've ever heard of and how could anybody be dumb enough to make that movie?  Yeah, it's currently at 100% at Rotten Tomatoes.  It's only 7 reviews so far, but every single one has been positive.  I have no idea how this can be.  I'm flummoxed.  Also flummoxing is Jason Kubel's sudden inability to hit.

-  Text from Grand Slam:  "Is Tejada a Hall-of-Famer?"  My gut says no, so I decided to check out his actual numbers to be more accurate.  According to the Black Ink and Grey Ink tests on baseball reference (these evaluate a player based on leading the league in things or top 5) he's not even close, but according to Bill James' HOF Monitor test, which awards points for hitting over .300 or 30 home run season and such, he should be.  Looking at his career, he has had some seriously monster seasons (including a 150 rbi year) and has gotten an MVP vote in 8 different seasons, including winning one in 2002 (not even his 150 rbi year).  Being an offensive force at a position like SS definitely helps his cause.  He's third all-time in HRs by a SS and 6th in RBI.  I don't think he's got enough to get in, but he'll be an interesting case.

-  Alfredo Simon in to get the save, and lucky for him he gets to start with Casilla and Punto.  This guy is super hittable/walkable.  If I were the Twins I'd make sure to come back and win this game.  You just can't lose to the O's.

-  Ground out, Ground out, Ground out.  Game over, and the Orioles have shut out your precious Twins.

Season over.

-   God the NBA is boring.  Or at least this Orlando/Atlanta series is.

-  Jamarcus Russell was straight up cut by Oakland?  Man, I don't use this often because it's stupid but L.O.L.  I did hear a story on the radio today about how coaches always prepare a DVD of the game plan for the next game and give it to the QBs to study, and the Oakland coaches suspected that Russell wasn't watching it.  So one week they gave him a blank DVD, and then asked him what he thought of it and his answer was "it looks pretty good."  Seriously though, if he didn't blow through his money like a typical athlete, he's set.  He got $31.5 million in guaranteed money, so if he just lived even remotely frugally he'd be set for life and he would have hardly ever gotten tackled.  He could just chill for the rest of his life and never have to work again.  Of course, I'm going to assume he owns like 8 cars and has 6 kids and is probably already close to broke and we'll hear about him robbing a liquor store in three years, but I'm a stereotyper like that.

-  I just read that Russell's cousin is Marshawn Lynch.  Wow.  That family really has their shit together.

-  Also, he was actually better than both Ryan Leaf, and Akili Smith.  God there have been some really bad quarterbacks (Spergon Wynn).  And this is also a super boring conversation so I'm just going to stop now.

-  Before I go, I want to let you know that Justin Smoak went yard again today.  ROY (unless they give it to Wieters, even though it's his second year).

-  Jenna Fischer is still hot.

Iwanna Iwamura?

I received an email from super awesome reader Kate J. yesterday where she asked an interesting question,

Iwamura?  Do we want him?  (I do!)  He’s probably (maybe) going to be available.  He could potentially be part of the patch up for the left side of the infield, he’s not super Nick Punto-like and his defensive prowess is something to be admired.

 

Do you take the Crede/Harris until Valencia is ready approach or Iwamura at third until Valencia is ready and then transition Iwamura back over to 2^nd?

 

I think for the money Iwamura is a good option.

 

I am also in love with Jason Kubel—good to see some other Kubel lovers out there and to see former Kubel haters come around to our kind of thinking.

Mainly I find this intriguing because the times I've watched Iwamura play, I've liked him.  Of course, subjective opinions based on small sample size observations, despite being the main info sources for mainstream journalists these days, are not the best way to evaluate things, so let's take a look.

First off, he's under contract with the Rays, and they have an option for 2010 at $4.25 million, compared to his 2009 salary of $3.25 million, with the buyout at $250,000.  Based on the fact that Iwamura just missed half the season with a torn ACL, that the Rays are reportedly going to be over budget already next year, and that the Rays have other options including prospect Reid Brignac who are cheaper, I think the odds that they let him go are fairly good.

Iwamura was a .290/.355/.390 hitter in 260 PAs this year before getting hurt, and is a .281/.354/.393 hitter for his career (3 seasons).  These numbers rate him as an average major league hitter, and also average for his position in the AL in 2009.  What really stands out to me is a good average and a very good OBP - his overall numbers are dragged down because he doesn't have much power (14 career homers), although he did have 45 extra base hits in 2008.  Over a full season that .355 OBP would have ranked him 36th in the AL, and fifth amongst second basemen (just .002 away from 3rd).  He would certainly be an upgrade over Punto, whose .337 OBP isn't that far off but he is nowhere near Iwamura in average or slugging.  He's also a better hitter than Brendan Harris or Alexi Casilla.  Imagine Punto's patience, but with more hits and a lot more doubles.  This, I like. 

Fielding metrics aren't perfect, and we've been able to see how good Punto can be with our own eyes, but according to Ultimate Zone Rating (which I think is considered the best of them), he's comparable, though slighlty worse than Punto, and far better than Harris (who, by the way, is a much better defensive second basement than third basemen - nice job Gardy.)  In a trade off, Iwamura's offensive upgrade at second outweights the slide downgrade in the field, and he's an upgrade at third from Harris in both ways.

Perhaps most interesting, I found something at the wonderful Fangraphs.com that takes into account a players hitting and fielding, their position, how much better or worse they are than a replacement level player would be, the league's aveage salary, and computes what a player should be worth on the open market.  Interestingly, Iwamura comes out at $11.8 million in 2008, and $5.5 million in 2009 (for half a season, so double it to $11 million) - a veritable steal at his option of $4.5, not counting of course the risk of coming off a major injury.  According to this metric, Iwamura falls between Cuddyer and Kubel in his value - certainly someone the Twins should look at.

I have no idea what the market will be like, but I would much rather have Iwamura than Orlando Cabrera, if they end up at a comparable price.


Thanks for writing Kate.  I'm glad somebody pointed him out to me, because now I have someone to pine for the entire offseason.  Hopefully with the "new money" coming in from the stadium, they will at least take a look.  And as always, if any other readers ever have a question, shoot them on over to downwithgoldy@yahoo.com.

Oh, and I also had a dream last night where the converted Jason Kubel to a DH/8th inning relief guy.  He threw in the low 90s with a good slider and impeccable control and mixed in a knuckleball here and there.  I think this could happen.

Detroit City is Garbage

I made sure to get all my shit done today in the cesspool that is Detroit so I could pick up some beers, load 'em up with ice and put them in the sink, and watch the Tigers vs. Twins nightcap.  Then I get to my room, and guess what?  This gay hotel doesn't carry Fox Sports Detroit, which means no dice on the game.  They have ESPN on here twice, but no FS.  Sweet.  Luckily the hotel bar does, and that's where I am right now, drinking $5.50 16oz Miller Lites, which I luckily don't have to pay for.  They also claim they have wireless down here, but I can't seem to figure out how to connect.

-  We are in the bottom of the third right now, and it's 1-0 Tigers which has already been rubbed in my face by my waitress.  I must have been staring rather intently at the one tv the game is on down here, because she was asked if I was rooting for Detroit or Minnesota.  After it was 1-0, she came over and said, "My team is winning, my team is winning" and then asked, "whoever wins this game plays the Yankees this weekend, right?"  Jesus lady.  Braggy fans are bad enough, but at least try to have a clue.  Tip amount......dropping.

-  Ok, I now figured it out and I'm logged in, although I'm not sure how much good that does me.  I now just need to figure out an outlet.  My computer has been on since I left Minnesota, on account of I can't turn it off because when we were trying to watch True Blood Season 2 online I somehow downloaded like 20 viruses, most of which I've eliminated but one pesky one keeps hanging on and makes me have to reboot about 10 times to get my computer to restart.  It's pretty awesome. 

-  Now 3-0.  Maybe I won't have to worry about power after all.  Looking like a short night.  Thanks Dunce-ing.  Ha.  I just made that up.

-  Seriously, 3-0?  And Verlander looks as sharp as I've seen him, which of course, I predicted early.

-  Kubel with a hit, of course.  Now if Cuddyer can just stay hot and not look like the fool that he did in his last at bat.  Seriously, the need to get a run here soon. 

-  Nope, and we're scoreless through four.  Well, I mean the Twins are, obviously not the Tigers who are treating Duesning like Liriano.  Verlander is at 55 pitches (40 strikes, jesus) so he should peter out just in time for Fernando Rodney to shut the door.  Awesome.

-  In non-related news, Chuckie Knoblauch is in trouble for choking his common-law wife, which seems about right for a hick.  Tough break for her.  If he had just tried throwing things at her head she would have been golden. 

-  Dear lord is this guy next to me a loud eater.  Take a break tubby, the food will still be waiting for you in a few minutes. 

-  Duensing gives up a double and a single that inning, but manages to pitch his way out of it and thank god since Gardy had Keppel warming up.  They're still playing with fire here, need to get something going.  I'd also like to mention that the squeeze play in Game 1 might have been one of the worst decisions of all time.  I didn't get to see it or anything, since I was on a god damn plane, but I stand by my opinion.  Between that and taking Kubel out for a pinch runner, sometimes I think he tries to lose. 

-  Verlander with another dominant inning, including two strikeouts on some of the best pitching I've seen since Santana was in town.  Just filthy.  This guy needs a nickname.  Let me think on it.  Of course, my little waitress friend had to point out it was still three nothing.  And she keeps doing this thing where she rubs her shoulder on mine while kind of moving up and down.  It's very weird.  I wouldn't mind if she wasn't like, 70.  I'm going to start pretending she's hot.  Otherwise she's going to start noticing that I shudder every time she comes near me.

-  Duensing with a leadoff walk to Raburn, who moves up to third on a couple of outs and then they intentionally walk Cabrera, which probably ranks as the first smart strategic decision Gardy has ever made.  No we have Thames, and I'm pretty sure this is either going to be a home run or a strikeout.  I'm rooting for the strikeout.

-  Ok, a walk.  No problem, nothing hurt.  Inge is up, and he sucks.  Oh crap.  Nevermind, Gardy is going with Keppel.  I think my heart just broke.

-  First pitch, 2-run single.  Let's go ahead and put this one in the books folks.  I'd recommend Gardy just leave Keppel out there for the rest of the game, save the bullpen for the next two games.  Pavano vs. Bodine and Baker vs. Robertson.  Twins have the advantage in both games.  This was the game the Twins were most likely to lose, so I'm not going to quite wave the white flag on the season just yet.  Win the next two and it's tied, with the Twinks facing the Royals and the Tigers going against the Sox.  Yes, the Royals are pitching Greinke in a game, but I just read that Ozzie shuffled the rotation and now Peavy will pitch one of the games against Detroit.  He gave some stupid reason, but you know he's trying to spoiler, and god bless you for that Ozzie Guillen.  God bless you.  I'm sorry I called you gay.

-  Wow, a hit.  And a double even.  Denard Span breaks the streak of I think 34 consecutive outs by Verlander (29 Ks).  Don't worry, this won't go anywhere.  Verlander is still looking like a curve ball pitcher while the Twins look like Jesus Christ.

-  Cabrera knocks him in, but I'm still not excited.  Also just because he's played well these two games that's no reason to sign him for three years at $5 million per.  Settle down, Dawger and PA.

-  Mauer doubles, runners on 2nd and 3rd with one out and the best hitter in the AL up.  Still not confident. 

-  Kubel hit it well, but not well enough.  Gets a run home on a sac fly, still a runner on for Cuddy.  If they can get it to 5-3 going into the bottom of the sixth I'll feel pretty good.  Also Gardy can take Keppel out at any time.  Verlander up to 95 pitches. 

-  Cuddy swings right through a fastball, after changing his apparently irrestible candy of a down and away breaking pitch.  That puts Verlander at 100 pitches.  I'll feel much better if they get to the pen, but of course, Keppel has to hold the lead at three - not bloody likely.

-  Great catch by Mauer in foul ground, or in the stands, actually.  Looks like a fan got a piece of it, but they called the out.  I'm not 100% sure on the rule there, but I don't think that should be an out.  I'll take it though.  The Detroit fans at the table next to me (chubs left, probably to go order room service and porn) are livid right now.  Dudes.  Chill.  You're winning.  Spaz out tomorrow after Pavano tosses a no-no.

-  You're probably wondering what I had for dinner tonight.  Well, it was pretty non-descript.  We were in the air through lunch so had an early dinner at 4:30 at Buffalo Wild Wings.  I went with the Desert Heat, their new dry rub.  It's excellent.  I love a good dry rubbed wing.  Usually most places with a rub offer cajun, which 80% of the time just means "really salty" - although Sensor's has excellent cajun wings and so does Boston's - but this is a really unique spice.  It's got a hint of sweet and then a good chile pepper taste.  Highly recommended.  Keppel has gotten two outs and given up two hits.  Now we are getting Mahay.  Clearly Gardy has punted this game.

-  Mahay gets out of it.  Time to shine boys, time to shine.  *cue Eminem*

-  Or just go down as the easiest inning of all-time.  Brutal when Gomez has the best at-bat of the inning.

-  Snacks just texted me, "If Mauer is a 1B and Cabrera is a catcher, Cabrera is the MVP, right?"  So let's look because it's difficult to watch Crain pitch. 

Mauer:  .368/.442/.598 with 28 homers and 92 rbi
Cabrera:  .329/.399/.550 with 32 homers and 100 rbi

Jesus Snacks, I thought you were smarter than this.  Mauer's numbers kick the hell out of Cabrera's.  Also he leads the league in average, on-base, and slugging.  HE LEADS THE LEAGUE IN AVERAGE, ON-BASE, and SLUGGING.  Mauer could play DH and Cabrera could be Ozzie Smith at short and this still should go to Mauer.  Wow.  This is pretty embarrassing.  Kind of wish I hadn't started this blog entry right now.

-  Crain gives up no runs despite throwing more balls than strikes.  Good work. 

-  According to baseball reference, where we sponsor the Mo Sanford page, Joe Mauer's OPS+ this year is 181, while Cabrera is at 145.  That's the same as Barry Bonds career vs. Vladimir Guerrero.  Think about it.

-  Back to back singles with one out by Span and Cabrera, Mauer up and Verlander still in at 122 pitches.  This is quite the showdown right here.

-  RBI ground out.  Pretty anti-climactic.  Gets them to within a Kubel swing of a tie game though.

-  Big RBI double by the best hitter in baseball.  There is now a permanent ban on Kubel-bashing on this blog.  You dumb people keep trying to tear him down, and he keeps showing how he's the next Lou Gehrig.  Tying run on second with two outs and the Twin Cities' latest hero in Cuddybear up at the plate.  Still not excited.

-  Cuddy grounds out like a girl, reaching for yet another breaking pitch outside the zone.  5-4 as we head to the bottom of the 8th.  The good news is that Fernando Rodney is maybe the worst 35 save pitcher in history.  Just keep it to one run.

-  Guerrier gives up a leadoff homer in the 8th to Granderson.  Great. Waitress comes over to tell me she just loves Granderson because he has such a cute face.  Tip = 0%.

-  Down 2, heading to the top of the ninth with suckface Rodney coming on.  *cue Eminem again*

-  This city is really weird by the way.  I'm not going to bash it - yet - but I'll spend a lot more time down here tomorrow so I'm sure that's to come.  So far, it's looking very much like a have/have not situation, with a lot of really seedy, run down looking bars right next to pretty high end looking restaurants.  I don't think it knows what it's identity is.  And the cars are weird too.  For being mo-town, like the motor city, there are an inordinate amount of crappy cars and cars with damage that are still tooling around.  I'm not a car guy by any means, you pretty much have to be driving the ferrari from Ferris Bueller's Day Off for me to notice, but even I picked up on the multitude of shitty cars here.  Weird.  It's like if nobody here could play hockey.

-  Delmon lead off infield hit.  He's just so fleet of foot.  Willie Mays Hayes like, you could say.

-  Morales strikes out on a pitch at his eyes, and we're left with Tolbert and Punto.  Confidence is high.

-  Punto with a double over Granderson's head?  I have no idea how that happens.  Must have been a great pitch.  That was like when Katie Holmes took her shirt off in The Gift, completely unexpected and completely awesome.  All up to Span here.  Please, just please.  Come on. 

-   Nope, lazy fly out.  Like I said, that's ok.  This was the game they couldn't really expect to win.  Now they need to get the next two, no way around it.  I'll be in attendance tomorrow, so hopefully I have something to cheer about and get beat down by Detroitians who are angry at life because of the cities crappy economy. 

-  70 year old super hot waitress just came over and said, "well they still have the doubleheader tomorrow."  Ugh.  Seems like a good way to end the night.

Forget about J.J. Hardy

It's been written here before that we'd like to see the Twins acquire J.J. Hardy. Well you can pretty much forget that, or at least I hope so as the asking price is extremely steep according to my inside source (seriously, I have an inside source - or more accurately, I know someone who knows someone who is in the know). Whatever, the point is it's real information and I'm not making it up.

According to this source, the Twins inquired about getting Hardy from the Brewers, who asked for Denard Span, Francisco Liriano, and another prospect. I don't care what level "another prospect" is, that is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. Honestly, I'd have trouble giving up that for anyone below superstar status.

So that dream is dead. But hey, we still have Punto.

Sharks in Venice

So here's whatsup: The baby is asleep and the wife is off spending money. I am in a good mood after our work holiday dealie, which including lunch at Fogo de Chao (fantastic) and some gaming at Brunswick Zone, where I found out I am bad at Laser Tag (12th out of 14 players), mediocre at bowling (129 and 144), rock at the basketball pop-a-shot (36 and 44, two best scores there), and thoroughly dominating at air hockey (smoked some fool 7-0 and another one 7-1). I also learned Brazilians can't bowl for shit. What was my point? Oh yeah, I'm gonna drink beer and watch "Sharks in Venice." Sounds like heaven.

- Summary: A man (Stephen Baldwin) must brave shark-infested Venetian waters to find treasure and rescue his girlfriend. A little bit of everything.

- Will they go with the time honored shark movie tradition of have someone get killed in the first three minutes? I'm going to guess not, because they are going to have to come up with a reason why there are so many damn sharks in Venetian waters - traditionally sharkless. I will, however, guess that they will continue the tradition of most shark movies and use footage of the wrong species of shark at some point. Which would have been like tossing in a shot of Samuel Jackson into an Indiana Jones movie and saying it was Indy, except worse because Sam Jackson and Harrison Ford are at least the same species. Can you tell this gets me all riled up?

- Oops, two minutes in and we have faceless, treasure hunting divers - you know what that means.

- This was given a 2.9 out of 10 on IMDB. That can't be good. But Scarlet Johannson's sister is in this. If nothing else, it gives me a reason to post a picture of Scarlet if I get bored.

- Shark attack. Killed the divers, right as they found the treasure, too. Along with a plaque that "dated from the correct time period" which really means they didn't want to look anything up. And guess what? The god damned shark roared when it attacked. Again. I don't understand why movies keep doing this to me.

- Holy god is Stephen Baldwin awful. I have no idea how he ended up in the brilliance that was "The Usual Suspects." Here he's giving a lecture on the Andrea Doria (oh, yeah, he's a professor - good Seinfeld reference though) while channeling a poor Alec Baldwin impersonator caught between his poor Alec Baldwin impression and a bad Dirty Harry one. But yeah, one of those divers from before was his father, so he's off to Venice - HOORAY!

- Well, in a complete ripoff from Jaws, the Venetian authorities are trying to claim it was a boat propeller accident that killed the divers, not a shark. But Billy Baldwin knows the truth! He will not be denied! Vengeance!!!!!!!!!1

- Have you ever been to Fogo? Ohmigod. They give you these little coasters with a green side and a red side. Red means don't serve me, green means bring me food. And boy do they ever. They walk around with skewers of fifteen different kind of meat preparations, from worthless chicken and pork to lamb and about 10 kinds of beef. They're like, "would you like this kind of steak" and then "would you like this kind of slightly different steak prepared with slightly different seasoning" and then like "here is some prime rib" and what not. My god. I don't think I'll ever have to eat again. I'm not even close to hungry and I last ate over 8 hours ago. Although I could really go for some steak right now.

- Ooh, Baldwin just found his father's diary hidden away (his house was ransacked, naturally) and it refers to the crusades and the templar knights. This is like DaVinci Code and Jaws all wrapped into one juicy candy shell, much better than his last big hit, Bio-Dome.

- Wife's home. Constantly talking and talking and talking and showing me what she bought that we don't need. What she's really doing is causing me to miss key plot points and steve baldwin facial expressions. She just doesn't get it.

- Ok, so I did some research and the Venetian canals water comes from the Adriatic Sea. Minimal google searching reveals that both a Great White and a Tiger Shark have been found there at a minimum in the past ten years. Since they haven't bothered to explain it, I basically just did it for them - although they haven't said what kind of shark it is yet. Probably a super shark like the ones from Deep Blue Sea or something faggy like that.

- You know what else borders on the Adriatic? Albania. Their chief export is chrome (I had to look that up, I always thought it was coal.)

- First shark footage. Great White. Let's see how consistent that is. Also Danny Baldwin is in the water right now. With our roaring shark. Searching a location that was marked on the diary they found in his father's ransacked apartment, looking for treasure. This movie is a mess, and we're only a quarter way through it. Venice was done much better in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

- So the new thing in this movie is everytime they show the shark they show it in fast motion and then use a sound effect that sounds very much like when the Millennium Falcon went into Hyperspace. Odd. And it roared again.

- Is anybody else really not getting the offers for Texeira? 8 years, $20 million per year? That's insane. Sometimes I'm glad the Twins not only don't have the resources, but also don't have the balls to get involved in anything like this. Although, I'm not going to lie to you, it would be nice to see them do something this off-season. Signing Nick Punto doesn't count. And way to make him your starting shortstop. Giving up already? The guy is an excellent, excellent utility player and backup. I love him in that role, because he's a great fielder at several positions and no longer completely worthless with the bat, but he's not a starting caliber player. Never has been, never will be. And they just eliminated themselves from signing any free agents or making any kind of move for a shortstop.

- If I'm following this correctly, Barty Baldwin just got chomped by Mr. Shark, who then inexplicably let go and now he's running around some hidden cave looking for treasure with no ill effects from said Shark Attack. From the same shark that completely destroyed all four previous victims, one so thoroughly that it decapitated him and his water-logged head went floating by (another Jaws ripoff). I don't know, but I'm starting think this movie might have been written by monkeys. Not smart ones either, but the Mr. Burns ones, "It was the best of times, it was teh BLURST of times!!!!"

- He found the treasure, but then he fell in the water and got chomped again, and his leg just got ripped off and DAMMIT it was just a dream. DAMN stupid movie with all it's false awesome death of Baldwin.

- Now he's meeting with a mob boss who looks like one of those stupid Geico cavemen from those retarded commercials who wants him to go back and find the treasure again. The boss's name: Vito Clemenza. So this movie is now Indiana Jones mixed with Jaws mixed with The Godfather. It's like somebody took pizza, tacos, and steak and mixed them up in a blender and expected to not get baby crap. Also Scarlet's sister is a horrible overactor who belongs on a day-time soap, and kind of a buzzill as she tells Bucky if he dives for the treasure again she's leaving him. But here's a picture of Scarlet to make me feel better:


- Worst piece of CGI ever, featuring a shark flying through the air to grab an attempted date rapist. Thing of reverse beauty.

- Jesus Christ, now the shark is rampaging and attacking the gondoloas, including eathing three people at once. This movie is worse than Jumper.

- Now there's some kind of shoot-out between police and what appear to be ninjas trying to inject Baldwin with something in a syringe. There are like, five hundred plot elements to this movie, and none of them connect to each other in any way that makes sense. It's kind of like a baseball team without good chemistry; unlike the Twins who always have incredible chemistry and invite each other over for a cook out all the time and thus always win the championships always and then have slumber parties.

- Early line on UL/Gophers is UL -9. If I had to pick, I'd take the Cards.

- So the caveman mafia godfather guy finally admits to putting the sharks in the canals. So now it all ties together. Great movie.

- Worst fight scenes ever. I can't go on.