Two Fake Sharks for the Price of One (A DWG Live Movie Blog)

Sup dudes.  Been a long time since we've watched a stupid movie.  Since I refuse to watch Sharknado 2 because it's a blatant cash grab that's intentionally stupid, I'll fill that void by watching something on Netflix.  And not just any something, but something called Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark.  If you think this is the stupidest sounding movie you've ever heard of, well, it is.  Let's rock and roll anyway.

-  I would give you the synopsis of the movie here, but I don't think the title left any great mysteries.

-  We're starting in Egypt.  Maybe there's a giant shark encased in a pyramid or something.  Don't tell me one of these movies wouldn't jump all over that idea.

-  This boat is towing part of a glacier.  Is that a thing?  Then the glacier breaks and a giant shark broke free and it appears to be the size of a house.  I'm guessing this is the titular Mega Shark.  It then flipped its tail which sent the boat flying into the desert where it hit the Sphinx and knocked its head off.  I'm already regretting my decision to watch this.

-  All sea traffic and air traffic has been suspended in the whole world because of the shark.  That seems a bit drastic.

-  The UN "is working on a weapon to combat the giant shark."  I bet I know what it is, and I bet I'm going to hate my life for the next hour and a half.

-  And boom.  Mecha Shark, piloted by hot blonde scientist who used to be on Law and Order and speaks in a total monotone.  So we're six minutes in and we already have our sharks.  What's left to do?  Oh, right.  They probably battle for an hour and 24 minutes.  This was a really bad idea.

-  Mecha Shark just got attacked by two giant squids, which don't eat sharks, wouldn't attack a hunk of metal that didn't smell like food, and don't attack in pairs.  So we got that going for us.  Mecha Shark wins by the blonde lady switching to either "Eel Skin" or "Seal Skin" and something changed on the outside of the shark sub and the two squid went flying away.  I was going to rewind to figure out what she said but since neither makes even a lick of sense I figured why bother.

-  Mecha shark has torpedos.  Feels like cheating.

-  Ooh, there's a new version of the shark sub that hasn't had it's artificial intelligence program installed or had sea trials done, but the guy in charge says they have to get moving because "that thing killed my brother, and I don't like to lose" and hot blonde is like "let's go" and her husband is like "wait no" but she does it any way.  Women.

-  Lobster boat captain steals a line from Jaws, "Harbor master going to have a heart attack when sees what we brung him" which is probably meant as an homage but screw this movie.  Then the megalodon ate the boat.  Good.  Screw those guys.

-  Husband guy is going to known as Hootie.

-  Wait how was their a lobster boat on the water when all sea traffic has been banned?  Anarchy.

-  Holy shit Debbie Gibson!  Debbie Gibson!  I'm going to have to look up if she's playing the same character from that other movie or that other one, but she's definitely playing a scientist who must informed the Navy that the meg wouldn't be going anywhere without a mate so they're going to be dealing with one horny shark.  Yeah that happened.

-  It's a pretty fancy sub.  Looks like shark but it's all computer-y inside.  Too bad it's going to get raped.

-  Ooh the two sharks found each other.  First encounter.  This is like when Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man meet after level 2.

-  Robo Shark just hit real shark with a tracking tag.  Is that shark foreplay?

-  I can't figure out what happened here.  Some other sub, not the shark sub, was there and fired a torpedo at the real shark and hit it.  Then a torpedo started flying the other way and it hit that sub and it died.  I am not nearly drunk enough to not be able to figure this out if it made sense, so I'm going to assume it didn't make sense.  I also spent WAY to much time rewinding, which is just prolonging how far the end of this movie is.

-  So Debbie Gibson is playing the same character from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, who was different from her character in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.  She's got a ton of range.

-  Admiral guy, "I had friends on that sub."  This guy is really hung up on his friends dying.  What a pussy.  I still have no idea what happened to blow that sub up.  I'm going to assume the shark swallowed the torpedo and then barfed it back up at the sub.  Makes as much sense as whatever their actual explanation is.

-  OMG hot blonde lady pilot with the baritone has a bottle of vodka in her travel bag.  Like I wasn't already in love.

-  This megalodon is hyper aggressive.  It just ate an oil platform.  Because that's what sharks do, you see, eat things that in no way resemble their natural prey.  Nature's serial killers, that's what I always say.

-  One hour left.

-  Ok so remember how the sub didn't do "pressure tests" or whatever?  Well they just did this horrible scene where the pressure started affecting the systems and everyone was worried it would sink.  Luckily everything worked out ok and they docked it and started fixing the problem.  Ha ha just kidding after everything seemed regular again they started chumming to attract the meg again.

-  Now there's an oil leak.  This movie is moving at 100 miles per hour, but it's terrible.  Like putting an asian woman in a race car.

-  Some plane had a fuel emergency and needed to divert to some island that was in "restricted air space."  Naturally the meg jumped out of the water to try to eat it because that makes sense since a shark that just de-froze from a glacier would know that planes = food, but even better the shark sub followed it up into the air and bumped it off course like some kind of fancy hockey goalie guy so the plane was safe.  That was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen, and even worse I can picture two SyFy executives high fiving about it.

-  Megs mad about not getting eat a bunch of metal and fuel, so it attacks the shark sub, which fires a torpedo at it, which then gets slapped away by the Meg with its tail (this must be what happened early and totally makes sense because this is the kind of thing sharks do all the time in real life).  And it hits some aircraft carrier that was there and everyone dies.  I bet that admiral guy had friends on that boat.

-  This real shark is a lot more bitey than that fake shark.

-  Ok so the real shark was riding the fake share like rubbing up on its side and stuff (probably horny) and the monotone chick decided to remedy this by firing a torpedo into an underwater mountain which makes lots of rocks and stuff fall.  Those rocks and stuff sank the sub and knocked out the communications equipment.  And I'm guessing missed the real shark since there are 45 minutes left of this crap.

-  Wait it only knocked out the communications for 3 minutes.  This movie is horrible.

-  I bet the admiral had friends on that shark sub.

-  Totally horrible throw-away scene about launching fighter jets top gun style.  I wish could write more but honestly there's no way to do it justice.

-  Somehow that artificial intelligence program that's park of shark sub got the shark sub working again even though hot blonde who speaks in a monotone is still unconscious.  That AI thing almost has to turn evil at some point, right?  Isn't that the whole point of putting an AI program in a movie?

-  You want to know why this shark is attacking aircraft carriers like it's doing right now?  Because of the high frequency emitters.  Damn those commercial airplanes for testing their high frequency emitters.

-  So then the aircraft carrier currently under attack turns off it's high frequency emitters or whatever and then the shark jumps on top of the carrier and breaks it in half.  I don't know.  Shit's gotten really weird.

-  Blonde girl is still knocked out, according to the admiral the "only two other pilots who can pilot that sub were on that aircraft carrier and are now dead" (probably friends of his) and the AI program is agitating to go out on it's own.  That can't be good.  Everyone knows you can't trust machines.  My oven burns me every chance it gets.

-  Oh.  My.  God.  They let the AI program take the shark sub out by itself.  And get this.  IT HASN'T BEEN DEBUGGED.  David Kahn must be in charge over there.

-   The sharks are fighting and it looks as dumb as you'd think.  I still haven't figured out why this dumbass fish is attacking a robot.  I know the horny theory, but I'm pretty sure you need pheremones or something like that.  Or at least high frequency emitters.

-  Blondie is now pouring the vodka down the drain (which makes my heart hurt).  So that plot point never had anything to do with anything.  She never took a drink.  It never came up in conversation.  I feel like they're just toying with me.

-  37 minutes to go!

-  Debbie's back!

-  She knows where the Meg is heading, which seems like something they don't need to know since it seems to follow the shark sub like it's stuck in the friend zone.  He's heading towards Sydney, Australia because millions of years ago it was a Megalodon breeding ground.  I guess he really is horny.

-  Text from Snacks, "I get so bored watching most of these breaking bad episodes."  What's the procedure for disowning a brother?  Or murder?

-  Jesus another aircraft carrier.  And remember those fighter jets from before I referenced?  Either nothing happened with them or I wasn't paying enough attention and missed it.  Both equally likely.

-  AI program questioning its masters.  WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?

-  They need to get the sub there because if the meg shows up and there are no females it's going to be pissed.  I don't really think sharks have the capacity to get pissed, but even better they're evacuating Sydney.  The city.  Not the harbor, the city.  On land.  The people on land have to evacuate because a horny shark is in the water.  On land.  The people on land.  Because of a shark.

-  Shark showed up.  Did that thing again where it jumps in the air and lands on an aircraft carrier and it explodes.  Maybe it thought the ship was a female shark and it was going for some kind of fancy pile driver move.  I don't know.  I need to invent a new word for this movie.

-  Some lady can't find her daughter during the evacuation so blond monotone lady is going to help find her.  Nice work mom.

-  Shark just rammed the Sydney Opera House.  Probably on account of the high frequency flutes.  Or horny.  I had friends in that opera house.

-  Blonde lady found the kid who is now running away from her.  I would too.  She's clearly some kind of robot with all the monotone and stuff.

-  Once again, Debbie Gibson makes the point that the shark is horny and won't leave without a mate.  So basically the AI is going to decide to become a real shark and then it and the actual real shark and going to swim off into the sunset to go screw, right?  25 minutes!

-  Wait so now the metal shark (in full rogue, ignoring it's human masters, not responding to computer commands mode) jumped onto the remains of the opera house.  This movie is worse than Hitler.

-  Ok so there are two robot sharks now.  One must be the earlier model from the beginning of the movie.  I don't know.  I clearly missed something.  Maybe that would be the key to making this movie not horrible.  I'm terrible at movies.

-  Holy crap the rogue sub shark thing apparently has an "amphibious mode" and it just went all transformers on the bit (while ignoring its human masters) and it now has tank treads for feet and it's now rolling through the streets of Sydney eating stuff.  I apologize for making fun of the whole "city evacuation" thing earlier.  Clearly the admiral saw this coming.

-  For some reason blondie and Hootie have that kid from earlier, who is supposed to be six years old but is like 5 feet tall.  The mom isn't there and since she said "I'm not leaving without my daughter" I assume she's dead now.  Way to go Hootie.  First you ruin music, now this.

-  Everything's on fire.  I have no idea.

-  Debbie Gibson's plan is to get tank sub shark back in the water and then the meg will think it's a mate.  That's the whole plan.  Maybe a real shark humping a mechanical shark will make them both die.  That seems to be her plan.  Pretty hot in those playboy pics back when though.

-  They found the mom.  Another plot point that really went nowhere.  This is like shakespeare.

-  OMG you guys the shark sub has high frequency emitters on board!  Blonde lady can trigger them if she just can get on board the tank shark sub thing.  Which she did by jumping in its mouth.  Honest to god, I've watched some really bad movies, but I just don't even.

-  Man nothing went right for the Navy.  Not since Beau Morgan spurned them for Air Force has the Navy faced such a disaster.

-  Admiral guy is dropping depth charges on the real shark.  I feel like people really aren't communicating effectively here.

-  Speaking of Admiral, he just started firing a hand gun at the shark.  Fucking brilliant.  Guess what the shark did?  Yep, it jumped on the aircraft carrier (AGAIN!) which caused to explode.  The admiral had a lot of himself on that boat.

-  I will say the CGI shark actually looks better than anything else I've seen out of these shitty movies throughout the years.  I think that's where the budget for plot and writing and directing and choreography went.

-  All the Navy planes and stuff are shooting missiles at sub shark, which currently contains blonde lady.  Hootie's not happy.  Those two sentences make me hate my blog.

-  I rewound this twice to get it right, but the reason the AI malfunctioned is because of a "the system was hijacked my a drone mode overlay."  When I was younger I would have looked this up to figure out if it was a real thing, but at this point I"m going to assume it's not.  Much like all the rest of this scene where they throw out fancy words like "I need you to empty the jump stores."  Jump stores can't be a thing right?  At least not a computer thing.  I mean maybe you could go to a jump store and get fancy shoes like Reebok pumps or a trampoline or something, but it's can't be computer related.

-  I'm sure there was a reason for this but the real shark bit the fake shark and they both exploded and I admit to not knowing why but everything bad is dead.  This movie gave me glaucoma.

New Mexico, Day 2

Oh my god you guys I am so full I can barely drink all this beer.  For dinner we went to this little Mexican dive called El Patio and wow was it good.  I got the tacos and ordered a bowl of the green chile stew since that's like the #1 specialty of New Mexico and it did not disappoint.  Green chiles, pork, pinto beans, and potatoes in a broth that was insanely flavorful.  So, so, so good.  You really need to travel to New Mexico to try it.  If you don't you're kind of a failure as a human.

-  Some weird things I saw in New Mexico today:

1. An entire aisle of pinatas in Walmart
2. An electronics/movies store with a complete section dedicated to VHS
3. A flyer taped to a pole advertising "Mechanical Bull for Rent" with a phone number
4. A vending machine for nothing but beef jerky

All of that was awesome.  Not awesome is the cell service in this town.  You will just lose service for like an hour or two randomly, then all of a sudden your phone will blow up with texts and you'll think you're all popular but it turns out those texts are from a two hour period.  My co-worker thinks it's because of all the military bases around here and they have cell phone jammers.  I'm not sure if that's true or how much he actually believes it, but we're running with it.  So hey, there are a lot of military bases in Albuquerque that send out cell phone jamming frequencies.  Be warned when you come here to get that sweet green chile stew.

-  Basically everybody I told I was going to New Mexico made a Breaking Bad joke, which makes sense since Breaking Bad is better than anything else you watch and what else are you going to joke about when New Mexico comes up?  One of my co-workers asked our shuttle driver about the Breaking Bad houses and I actually thought he might be all annoyed but he was super proud of the show being shot there and told us how it was such a big thing for the city.  So he told us where a bunch of them were.  Tonight we checked out Jesse and Jane's place.

Sup, bitch?

-  I finally watched Dawger's favorite movie Snatch and $nake's favorite movie Super Troopers last week.  I enjoyed them both, but I suspect both get better upon multiple viewings.  Snatch because you aren't missing half the joke's trying to figure out what the previous line was, and Super Troopers because it's just one of those movies that gets funnier over time.  I'd recommend them both to people, but I'm pretty sure I'm the last one to see either of them.

-  Somebody recently asked me for my opinion of Wichita State, sorry I can't remember who because I generally don't pay attention when people talk, and I think they're definitely a good team no doubt, but it's obviously tough to figure out how good.  30-0 is 30-0, and I tend to think they're better than that St. Joe's team (Jameer Nelson/Delonte West) from a while back who went undefeated through the A-10, and they made the Elite 8 (might have been Sweet 16, not 100% and don't want to bother to look it up).  Saying I think Wichita State is better than that team, and they already have a handful of guys with Final Four experience, it saying quite a bit.

But Snacks made a great point to me today.  Let's say the latest bracketology on ESPN is at least a close approximation of what actually gets pulled in the tournament and Wichita State is a one seed.  In the second round then they'd face either Stanford or Kansas State (or similar team), both of whom would be the best team the Shockers have faced since DECEMBER 14, and the second or third best team they've seen the entire season depending on your opinion of BYU.  And then the next round, and the next round, and the next round and all the way through they'll be facing teams so much better than anything they've seen with much more pressure and less time to prepare.  Wichita's strength of schedule is awful and their non-conference wasn't anything special either.  Man that is a ton of pressure.  I don't think I can take them any further than the Sweet 16.  Not like New Mexico, who is clear Final Four material.

-  Just went down to the bar to get a double Maker's because I'm too full for beer.  These two dopes get on the elevator with me and start laughing about how they're so wasted and they need to email each others' boss to cover their ass.  Guess what?  They don't remember they have to hit the button for the floor.  I'm on the top floor because I'm awesome and then they realize they never hit their buttons so they hit the five and seven and ended up spending like, 30 extra seconds in the elevator.  Way to go, amateurs.

-  One of the main reasons I'm out here is to look at this entertainment store called Hastings and maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan we need to get one in Minnesota.  It's like a Best Buy/Barnes and Noble/Shinders/Spencer's/Toys R Us all in one.  It's awesome.  Plus they buy and sell used stuff and even rent movies for 49 cents a day.  I could probably spend all day in one.  I have to find a way to make this happen.

-  You know that thing called the Peter Principle which says that as people excel in their roles they keep getting promoted until all of a sudden you have a bunch of people in roles they aren't qualified for?  Just google it I don't want to explain.  Well it generally applies to the working world but it exists in college basketball too.  I mean to do a whole big post on this (I'm currently reading Dean Oliver's Basketball on Paper which is excellent and you should read it so my advanced stats brain is like a hamster on blue meth) but exhibit A is the terrible Glenn Robinson III.  He was amazingly efficient last year playing his role and using a small amount of possessions for the Wolverines.  This year he's using way more possessions but every single metric and is still a terrible rebounder.  His raw numbers are in line with what he did last year, but he's really regressed if you look deeper.  Definitely not ready for/capable of the more increased role. 

I actually thought this same thing would apply to Austin Hollins, but really it doesn't.  His overall offensive rating is down a bit, but not all that much, and his rebounding numbers are far better this season.  Everything else is right around the same but with assist rate a tick down and turnover rate a tick up.  And here's a fun fact I never realized, he's shooting a career high 55% on two-pointers this year, which is a career high and a huge improvement from last year (48%).  Yeah he's struggling from three but that's amplified because the team lacks quality shooters, and he's actually taking fewer of them this year (percentage wise).  Really, I guess, for those that keep saying he's having a horrible year or is a disappointing senior shouldn't play so much (gopherhole -> hi!), you're wrong.

- One thing I forgot to mention about the Pit is how the people don't get up for you.  Like they'll stand on damn near every possession (no joke) but if you get up to go to the bathroom or go get a souvenir or food or anything during a timeout they don't stand up to let you out.  Every other arena I've ever been to the people get up to give you room to walk, but at the Pit they just do that thing where they turn their legs to the side and it sucks for everyone.  And this wasn't just one group of people, it was everywhere.  It struck me as very odd, especially because these people seemed to live for standing up.

-  I think that'll do it.  So tired and full of delicious green chile stew.   I kind of want some more.

Tuesday Talkers

 I hate this time of year.  Not because of Christmas because I love Christmas because hey, no work, but because there's so little going on.  College basketball is just so slow.  There might be an interesting game or two, but in general it's pretty boring.  And next week is even worse with Christmas and stuff.  I have no idea why college kids can't play basketball over Christmas week.  I doubt they like their families anyway.  So since I have nothing else to write about and I just did a movie blog, here's just some stuff.


- Things should be a bit more entertaining when Rutgers joins the Big 10 than previously hoped.  Not because they're any good, because they're still pretty terrible at 5-7 this year (with a loss to William & Mary!) but because former Hoya Greg Whittington has committed to play for the Scarlet Knights after getting kicked off the team at Georgetown.  Whittington is a solid player who averaged 12 points and 7 rebounds per game for Georgetown last season before being ruled ineligible.  Of course I suppose it's a a question of if he ever actually arrives there considering that being ruled ineligible and then getting kicked off the team, not to mention he's dealing with ACL tear right now.  And I don't know when he'd be eligible to play or how many years he'll have left since his circumstances are a bit weird.  Hooray for information!

-  North Carolina is a fascinating team this year, and I don't just mean because they've beaten Louisville, Michigan State, and Kentucky while losing to Belmont and UAB, although that's pretty crazy in and of itself.  I mean because they're playing a completely different style than anyone else in basketball.  The average basketball team takes 32.5% of their field goal attempts from behind the 3-point arc, and scores 26% of it's total points on three-pointers.  The Tar Heels take just 15.9% of their shots from three, and that shot makes up just 10.7% of their points - both of those are dead last in the NCAA.  The team in front of them in % of attempts (Lamar) takes 19.8% of their shots from three, and the team in front of them for % of points from three (Bowling Green) gets 14.3% of their points from deep.  So North Carolina ignores the three point shot to at extent that nobody else can even touch, and it's intentional because almost every year under Roy Williams they've ranked in the 330s in those metrics (I had no idea).  It's probably a good thing since they shoot under 30% and Marcus Paige is their only halfway reliable shooter, but isn't that weird.  I think it's weird.  And I'm sharing it with you because you deserve to know weird things that are weird.

-  If you're wondering about the Gophers, and I'm sure you are since this is allegedly a Gopher blog, they take 39.6% of their shots from three (48th) and get 32.1% of their points from there (54th), shooting an above average 35.7% (vs. 33.9% national average).  These numbers are all up considerably from last season when the Gophers were ranked in the 270s, which makes sense both given the change in roster make up and Pitino's emphasis on the 3-ball.  Plus, it's way more fun.

-  Semi-Gopher related, but if Rashad Vaughn ends up at Iowa State (I said if!!) he's in for a monster year.  Hoiberg gives his guards so much freedom offensively and such little responsibility defensively that he'll end up averaging like 25 a game.  I don't know that it's the best thing for his development, but it's not like a bad defensive year will suddenly drop him out of the first round of the draft.  I really hope he's a Gopher next season, but I can see the Iowa State appeal no doubt.

-  Apparently Miramax is going to be producing a sequel to Rounders and will be turning Good Will Hunting into a television series.  These both sound like horrible ideas.  Rounders 2 could be good depending on where they take the characters, but for some reason I'm picturing a version of the Hangover with more gambling, and I suppose that could be entertaining even if it isn't necessarily "good" if you know what I mean.  The Good Will Hunting series is baffling.  I have no idea what they'd even do with it.  Hopefully someone smarter than me has that one figured out already.

- Tons of stuff going down in baseball with the winter meetings and everything, way too much to comment on in depth even for me, but I'll tackle a couple things:

• The Twins signed Phil Hughes, Ricky Nolasco, and Mike Pelfrey and are still chasing Bronson Arroyo.  I read one comment along the lines of, "I've never seen a team retool by chasing so much mediocrity" and that may be true, but mediocrity is a huge upgrade for this team.  Twins' starters had an ERA of 5.26 last season, worst in the majors by nearly half a run (0.45 to be precise).  They were the second worst in 2012 with an ERA of 5.40, better than only the Rockies.  2011?  Fifth worst at 4.64.  From 2011-2013 Twins' starters' ERA was 5.08, worst in the majors.  So yeah, Hughes, Nolasco, Pelfrey, and Arroyo might be mediocre, but they almost can't be worse than what they've been trotting out there.  Right?  RIGHT?
• Jason Kubel is back with the Twins, and that's cool because he was always one of my favorites and I even had a Kubel shirt which I have since gotten rid of (waa waa).   He signed a minor league contract with an invite to spring training, and it surprised me they got him so cheap.  Yes he was brutal last year, but in 2012 he hit 30 homers and OPS+ed 120.  He's become even more useless against lefties, but he should be a solid platoon player against right handed pitchers.  Considering Doumit hits lefties pretty well that could be a pretty good DH combo.  Of course there's no chance of that actually happening because Gardy.
• Speaking of the AL Central, I am really not liking what the White Sox are doing.  Everyone has ranked them for years as having the worst farm system, so the thought was they'd be terrible for like a decade and that made me smile because fuck the White Sox, right?  Well now all of a sudden they've acquired a young promising outfielder in Avisail Garica, a young promising outfielder in Adam Eaton, a young promising third baseman in Matt Davidson, and the latest big swinging Cuban in 1B/DH guy Jose Abreu.  The pitching is still a huge question mark behind Chris Sale, but I liked it better when Kenny Williams was burning the team down by trading away all youth and trying to fix problems by throwing money at them.  I can't remember this new guys name but he's been making a lot of mostly under the radar, smart moves and I don't like it one bit.  Now, with the two new guys, Alejandro de Aza is suddenly available, and this stupid guy will probably do something smart with him.  Sucks.
• By the way, Eaton is 5-8 and describes himself as "gritty dirt bag" kind of player.  So that should be a blast.  Hawk will probably have an orgasm on the air at some point.

-  Finally got all subscribed up with Netflix and we started watching Orange is the New Black.  Really good show.  In a world where I'm having more and more trouble finding new good shows and even some of my old favorites seem to be heading off the rails, it was refreshing to find a show that is both well made and entertaining since there are like 3 of those left.  Check it out.  It's not Breaking Bad, but what is?  Nothing.  Nothing is.  God such a good show I miss it so much.  Magnets, bitch!

-  Plus, it brings Amazonian hot Laura Prepon back in my life, which is a solid plus.

-   Semi-Gopher related, but it seems Syracuse fans have little to no interest in traveling to Houston for the Texas Bowl against the Gophers.  Instead, the fantastic Syracuse blog Troy Nunes is an Absolute Magician is organizing a donation drive among readers/fans to send under privileged Houston area kids to the game for free, with a goal of getting tickets for 200 kids (plus a hotdog, soda, and a freaking Cuse shirt).  I don't know if it's the Christmas season or getting older or having my own kids or what, but I thought this was really, really cool.  Or maybe it's just the Gopher connection.  Let's go with that.

-  I love Jay Cutler.

-  If you don't know the story behind this, it's here.

-  I know the last thing anybody really wants to hear about is someone else's fantasy woes (Jay Cutler would weight in on this one) but indulge me for a moment.  Due to Andrew Luck falling off a cliff post Reggie Wayne injury and Alex Smith suddenly lighting the world on fire I benched Luck for Smith two weekends ago in our quarterfinal.  Ended up losing by 2 points on Brandon Marshall's last catch Monday night, and would have won easily if I had kept Luck in there.  Then I would have won easily this week, so I should be in the championship, but I'm not instead at sitting around like a loser.  Fantasy football is really stupid.  And so are you.

-  I took this quiz and got 198/200 (missed Tony Allen and Brian Scalabrine).  I feel both proud and slightly embarrassed.

-  Good news for the Gophers, Florida State absolutely crushed Charlotte tonight.  The same Charlotte squad who beat Michigan earlier this year, and, with a certainly possible good year in a weak Conference USA, could end up a top 100 RPI team.  Thus, since Florida State beats them and the Gophers beat Florida State through osmosis that helps the Gophers' RPI.  Or something.  I don't know.  I'm not that bright.

-  I was gonna right more but first I got distracted by Orange is the New Black and then I realized I really hate you.

Two-Headed Horribleness: A DWG movie blog

Coming at you live from my couch, and it's time to use this fancy netflix thing I have now to watch something completely terrible, hopefully with people dying, and write words about it.  Today I have chosen 2-Headed Shark Attack for your enjoyment, as you probably surmised from the picture right above here.  I went with this movie for four reasons:

1.  It's on Netflix
2.  It sounds really stupid
3.  Carmen Electra

Yes, Carmen Electra, one of my first loves, is in this, along with Brooke Hogan who is famous for being a daughter and Charlie O'Connell who is famous for being a brother and has also been in at least one Live Movie Blog on here before.  So let's kick back with a drink (going with Bell's Christmas Ale to start, but I'm guessing my good buddy Vodka might make an appearance by the halfway point of this garbage) and enjoy some terrible acting, horrible science, and big breasts.  I'll set the mood:

 

 

All good?  Let's go.

-  Two chicks water skiing at the same time, there's almost now way the 2-headed shark doesn't eat them simultaneously, right?

-  Right.

-  I like this because there's these three douchebag guys who were driving the boat and the sharked rammed it and we're supposed to think they're in deep water but while they're "treading" water I can actually see the ocean floor.

-  Carmen.  Electra.  My god.  Still just stunning.  I can't even think right now.

-  Ok so here's some boat that appears to be some kind of school on a boat deal and Charlie O'Connell's the teacher, so that's the second biggest stretch of the movie so far.  The biggest is Brooke Hogan playing the "hot chick."  So far every character is a perfect stereotype - we have nerdy guy, nerdy chick, hot chick, mean jock, pothead guy, and bitchy chick.  I don't like any of them. 

-  Apparently this movie needed two writers, one for the story and one for the screenplay.  I feel like this is somehow the most absurd thing about this movie, and there's a two-headed shark involved. 

- Oh god more Carmen.  Is it hot in here?  It feels really hot in here.

-  The black girl talks really black.  You know what I mean.  Super good writing so far.  The characters really come to life. 

-  The school boat just ran over a dead megamouth shark, and nerdy guy rips off about 10 facts about the megamouth and you're not going to believe this, but they're all dead on balls accurate.  So some completely retarded movie about a 2-headed shark is the first syfy movie ever to actually research and put something factually accurate in the movie.  I did not see that coming.

-  So here's what happened:  the megamouth ended up going through the school ship's propellers injured the boat and made it start taking on water, while at the same time the massive amount of blood in the water attracted the totally realistic looking 2-headed shark to the boat.  So the school boat will have to land at this super small island that's probably going to be deserted or something while some blonde chick repairs the hull.  Not a euphemism.

-  So since I switched jobs about a year and a half ago you may have noticed a lack of updates regarding fancy dinners, and that's because we never have fancy dinners at this job.  But last week we did, and so you should know that we went with calamari, mozzarella stuffed meatballs, a couple of flatbreads, spicy shrimp, and brussels sprouts for appetizers, followed up by a caesar salad and then for my entree I had pesto sea bass with roasted asparagus with a thai chili beurre blanc.  Pretty good.  Toffee and Grand Marnier truffles for dessert.  I much prefer my current job to any other I've had, but man do I miss those kind of dinners.

-  The good news is there are about 20 "college students" on this island now and many of them are female and in bikinis.  The bad news is that everyone in this thing is either a terrible overactor or just a plain terrible actor, and we need more Carmen Electra.

-  Guess what's attracted to the sound/smell/sight of a welding torch underwater?  Yep, a 2-headed shark which roars, of course.  Sorry blonde girl, although I do like how the two heads fought over the meal and ended up tearing her in half.  If the computer effects were done by something more powerful than an etch-a-sketch that would have been really cool.  But hey, Carmen is not sunbathing in a tiny bikini.  Previously she was dancing in the sun in a tank top.  I enjoy how nobody is pretending she is anything she isn't in this movie.  It's kind of beautiful.

-  I feel bad for Brooke Hogan here and not just because of her dad.  She's clearly supposed to be the main star here but she's completely overshadowed by Carmen and really everybody else.  We know Brooke is supposed to be the star because she just told a story about almost getting attacked by a shark or something and how she hasn't been in the water since she was twelve.  So she signed up for semester at sea to get over her fear of the water because that's something people in movies do that people in real life would never ever do.

-  Uh oh, a guy and two girls snuck off and are about to go "swimming."  This never ends well.

-  Boobs?  We have boobs?  Whoa.  Since this was originally on SyFy I wasn't ready for this but I guess the netflix and DVD versions are different, because there are lots of minutes of boobs.  But here comes growly mcfunhater shark to blow things up, and right as we have two chicks making out.  Also, they're in water that's only up to their waists (to better expose the boobs, of course) but the huge shark (with 2-heads) somehow managed to kill both the girls and do so in such a way that it bit their legs and they started coughing up blood.  This is horrible.

-  I think there was an earthquake or something.  Not really sure but there was a loud noise and then everybody started yelling and pretending the ground was shaking.  Chuck O'Connell fell on a dock and now he has some blood on his leg and can't walk or something.  I suspect this is supposed to be a serious injury but it pretty much looked like he fell down and got a scrape.  And there's another earthquake or whatever and bitchy girl started crying so Brooke Hogan slapped her.  Everyone is mad at Brooke now but I think slapping a woman when she's crying or talking is something that should really start catching on.

-  Ha Ha Carmen Electra is playing a doctor.  Awesome.  Also Mr. O'Connell hasn't stopped whining about his leg.  Brooke Hogan needs to slap that bitch.

-  Two more students we were never introduced got eaten, but this time people saw it so now they know there's a shark.   A shark that kills indiscriminantly in as little as 3 feet of water besides being totally huge and also every time it attacks they show it coming up from deep water.  And also roars.

-  The students found some old fishing boats which apparently Brooke can fix and so now they have two working boats.  To be eaten.  Keep in mind these students have no idea anything is wrong other than their big school boat needs repairs, so there's no reason for them to steal these fishing boats other than to go joy riding, which is exactly what they're doing.  Kids today, no respect. 

-  Omg the island is sinking because the shark keeps ramming the island.  Go ahead and let that one sink in while I grab another beer. 

- And now we have looped footage of Carmen Electra yelling "get out of the god damn water."  Looped footage.  I have watched an awful lot of crap but this is the worst of the bunch, and it has Carmen Electra so you know it must be extra bad. 

-  Oh man that guy just got his arm ripped right off.  Just like Aaron Rodgers.  By the way, fantasty football is totally gay and if you play it you're stupid too.  I hate it and I'm quitting forever next year.

-  So I guess this is just some shark born with two heads.  And because it has two heads apparently boat motors really bug it because it has "hyper sensitive electromagnetic responders", which really goes along way towards why it keeps attacking swimmers.

-  "We're in shallow water now, the shark can't get to us."  OH BULLSHIT!  Haven't you been watching this movie Brooke?

-  This is so bad there isn't even much to say.  The atoll is sinking because the shark is ramming it, teh big boat doesn't work, and they can't use the little boats because the 2-headed shark has twice the "electromagnetic resonance" as a normal shark.  And yet it's all super boring. 

-  The plan is too create a super strong magnetic field to distract the shark using an electric generator and some metal polls.  It took two writers to come up with this. 

-  So how about Jason Kubel coming back to the Twins?  That's pretty cool.  Not cool?  I got ride of my Kubel shirt. 

-  The shark rammed charge generator and then ate a couple of characters we don't care about (while roaring).  Now there is nothing to distract the shark from Brooke Hogan who is the one who is welding the ship back together even though she's scared of the water. This seems more like a scooby doo episode than a movie.

-  I guess she fixed it because the mean jock guy is driving away now, which means he's leaving all the other students behind because they've already established he's a jerk who is only worried about himself.  Also earlier they said it would take at least a day to fix the hull but that was clearly about 15 minutes.  Shocking there would be continuity problems with a movie that also spent the majority of the time establishing that this mean guy was mean.  And now dead because the shark killed the school boat.  Because of all the electromagnitvity, you see.

-  Now that the atoll (fancy word for island) is about to sink the new plan is to climb the trees.  Seriously this is when SyFy clearly threw in the towel and just stopped trying altogether.  I would rather spend the entire weekend in Iowa than watch this again.  And I don't mean Ames which is pretty awesome or that Casino just over the border, I mean the bad parts of Iowa.  Most of it.  You know, the parts that literally smell like shit.

-  Carmen and O'Connell just got hit by a tidal wave (no idea where that came from) and the shark at the same time but it's ok because they realized they were about to die and started making out.  Lucky dude.  Hope he grabbed a feel.

-  Now alternating between shots of completely fake super tidal wavy water and the students screaming while in totally calm water.  Par for the course.  They locked themselves in a flooded shed but the shark is still knocking on the door like the big bad wolf and shit because that's how sharks totally act god this sucks I hope everybody involved went bankrupt. 

-  Roaring.  Kill me.

-  Somebody has a gun all of a sudden.  I don't know.  I need a drink.

-  Since 99% of this is computer generated so many of the scenes are clearly the director (if there is one) telling the actors, "ok, the shark is coming after you now, run towards the camera screaming" and it totally shows.

-  They're going to try to blow up a barrel of gas to kill the shark, because one of the students still alive somehow kept her beach bag with her through everything else including earthquakes and shark attacks (the 2-headed kind) and she happened to have a lighter.

-  The shark what ated everybody just got successfully fought off by Brooke Hogan with a piece of driftwood.  Then it bit the can of gasoline and blew up.  But wait!  Only one head blew up!  What a twist!!

-  The second head died when the shark bit the boat's engine, a behavior it hadn't exhibited throughout the entire movie.  This movie gave me eye cancer.

Sharknado: The Return of Tara Reid (a DWG Live Movie Blog)

A movie called Sharknado.  About sharks and tornadoes or sharks in tornadoes or tornadoes made of sharks or something awesome like that.  Starring my old flame Tara Reid, and the never aging Ian Ziering?  Written by the guy who wrote, produced, and directed Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood! (exclamation point actually part of the title)?  Of course I'm in.  I'm a bit worried that rather than take itself seriously and, as such, become unintentionally hilarious like the rest of these kinds of movies, it's embracing the stupidity (I mean, shark tornadoes?) and thus won't be quite as fun to make fun of (plus the movie poster just says "Enough Said").  But then again, maybe it will be awesome in an awesome way instead of a stupid way.  In any case, I'm watching.  Join me here on another DWG Live Movie Blog.

-   We open with a giant school of sharks swimming in a rain storm.  Something tells me we're not going to be wasting any time here.

-  Oh yeah, and there's a tornado too now.  And it just sucked all the sharks up into it.  So yeah, no wasting time.  But answer me this - isn't a tornado in water a hurricane?  Shouldn't this be called "Sharkicane"?  And isn't that a cooler name anyway?  You know it is.

-  Oh no, we see dudes finning sharks.  If you don't know what that is it's something really evil unscrupulous fisherman can do where you catch sharks, cut off their fins, and then throw the sharks back to die, using the fins to make shark fin soup, a delicacy in Asian countries.  It's illegal and basically just a shitty thing to do.  Hopefully these guys, and all shark finners everywhere, die soon.  Especially this stupid french guy with really bad teeth.

-  This is one crazy storm.  And I know it's crazy because the camera man keeps bobbing up and down to similate waves while they show stock footage of storms.  Now the sharks on board thanks to the Sharknado.  They're all on board.  And they're hungry and crudely computer animated.

-  Ok wait like, some of them are just jumping into the boat to eat french people.  It's almost like sharks don't need a tornado at all to kill people.

-  Cut to credits as everyone died.  Requisite beach montage full of boobs and butts.  At least this movie got one thing right.

-  Ian Ziering is here now and he's going surfing.  You know what Wonderbaby answers if you ask her what sharks eat?  Surfers.

-  We just met a waitress who I think is probably going to be the hero.  Also we are now guaranteed Tara Reid won't be the hottest chick in this movie, because whoever this girl is rates a 10.

-  Another montage, this one of some broad and Ziering surfing.  Feels like filler.  Feels like that might be a good thing.

-  Montage mercifully interrupted by a shark attack.  That's good.  And that chick got eaten like crazy by like 10 sharks.  And, if you're wondering by the way, the shark footage is a big mish mash of a whole bunch of different types (all computer animated by the way) and now they're all hanging out together and just eating everybody they see, and none of them are in a tornado at all - not even a little bit.  This is all like, really fake and stuff.

-  That hot waitress's name is Cassie Scerbo.  Here she is:

Boobs

-  Ian Ziering and some old guy at the bar who looks familiar are convinced that the reason there are so many sharks and the reason why they're so aggressive is because of Hurricane David which is pushing all the sharks all up the coast, which, again, means this is a hurricane not a tornado.  Also, great theory, 90210 boy.  Makes tons of sense.

- Yes and there's Tara Reid.  Man I was so in love with her back in the American Pie/Urban Legend/Bodyshots days.  She was my #2 girl (nobody ever has or ever will pass Tiffani Thiessen for #1).  Sure, she's now the poster girl for wrecking her body and career thanks to bad plastic surgery, drinking, and drugs, and yeah she's aged but it's not like she's all rotten and gross or anything.  It's more like she's changed from a grape to a raisin.  She's not as smooth or round or shiny or firm anymore and she's spent a little too much time out in the sun and has a few too many wrinkles, but she's still delicious and I'd like to put it in her.

-  Steve Sanders and the beautiful Tara Reid are apparently ex-married people with a kid together, which means they'll end up together battling sharks in a hurricane for love.  Also, Tara Reid still can't act, but I'd still dry hump her in the back seat of a small car.

-  They keep cutting to aerial shots of this place that's supposedly experiencing this horrid storm, but in the aerial shots the water is completely calm.  I love you SyFy OH MY GOD SHARK IN THE BAR!  SHARK IN THE BAR!  So bizarre.  This is insane.  They aren't even bothering with a semblance of a plot, it's just sharks flying around the city and landing on stuff.  I guess that sort of sounds awesome but it's really not.

-  And now the Ferris Wheel broke free and is just rolling down the pier.  We're only 26 minutes from teh start of the movie and completely pandemonium has set in.

-  According to the Newslady on the day after, "the waves also brought several sharks in to shore."  I'm pretty certain that's not a thing.  

-  Somebody found this blog today by searching for "drunk girl puke" on google.  Somebody from Japan.  I feel so dirty.

-  Man the whole city has flooded.  I bet people are looting like fucking crazy.

-  There are sharks in the street.  SyFy isn't even trying anymore.  So the water is shallow enough for people to drive through, but deep enough for a shit ton of sharks to just cruise around in including big-ass Tiger Sharks, which, fun fact, are never found off California.  They are, however, found off Mexico so I guess the waves must have pushed them North.  Makes sense.

-  Holy shit that old guy is the dad from Home Alone.  Wow.  He looks terrible, but what can you expect when you live in a world where tiger sharks are just cruising around ignoring stop signs like some kind of toothsome bicyclists.

-  Ok, last time I'm going to complain about this, but they keep showing people standing/running in ankle deep water, then the cut to computer generated dorsal fins swimming in what would have to be much deeper water, then they show people dying by shark.  As dumb as this sounds considering I'm watching a movie called Sharknado, I feel like my intelligence is being insulted.  And Mr. McAllister just died.  RIP.

-  The computer animation of Ziering driving his car through a bunch of waves or whatever is reminiscent of Excitebike.  But hey, now they're on the freeway and there are no sharks around.  Probably should stay away from the shark infested areas and stuff.  Guess the movie's over.

-  Wait, no.  There's a shark on top of a building.  And now sharks are being belched out of whatever you call those things where water drains from.  Culvert, maybe?  Whatever it is.  And now one just came shooting out of a manhole cover.  There are more sharks in this damn town than at a surfing convention off the coast of South Africa during a bleeding competition.  Waiting for Grandpa to show up to say, "One thing about Santa Monica I never could stand....all the damn sharknados."

-  Now a shark jumped from Tara Reid's swimming pool into her living room and ate Tara Reid's boyfriends head off.  It's ok though because the good guys stopped it by crushing it with a book shelf.  Not joking.  This is the worst thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of guys naked.

-  After the guy died and the shark died the entire living room is flooded with red water because of the blood (and the water, of course).  Ziering's friend guy says, "must be that time of the month."  I may not be able to go on, I think this movie is giving me glaucoma.

-  And where is this Sharknado everybody keeps talking about?  I just see a bunch of lame flooded streets and Tara Reid's face which never moves, but which wouldn't stop me from making sweet love to her awkwardly.  And now the house just exploded.  It exploded.  I don't know either.  I need to drink A LOT faster.

-  I'll give them a little credit, at least they didn't try to shoehorn in some plot with villains and were content to just make the sharks the bad guys.  Unfortunately I'm rapidly losing interest.

-  There's a bus stranded in the middle of somewhere.  The sharks are circling even though the the water is either 2 feet or 200 feet deep depending on what camera angle they're using.  Ziering's answer?  Rappel down from the bridge and into the bus, of course, because who doesn't have a bunch of rappelling equipment in their car, along with like, 4000 rounds of ammo for several different weapons?  If you don't, what are you going to do when the street becomes the ocean?  Huh, pal?  You probably sit around on your couch eating range free cheetos and you don't even have a gun and you're just waiting for the King of England to show up and start pushing you around.  Thought so, pansy.

-  I wish this movie was over.

-  You're never going to believe this, but after saving all the kids Ziering is climbing back up and the rope STARTS TO FRAY!  DUN DUN DUN!  But don't worry, he just barely makes it back up in time.  Whew.  And they really need to stop showing wide shots of the city, because every time they do they just show a calm, normal city with zero sharks in the streets or bars.  Zero water too.

-  Sharks are now falling from the sky.  I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one truly takes the cake.  Not even that hot waitress chick can save it.  And their car just exploded for some reason.  It's possible they explained it when I wasn't paying attention, but I feel safe just assuming it was for no reason at all.

-  Awesome name for a shark movie:  Sharkpocalypse.  MONEY.

-  You know, Ian Ziering really isn't a terrible actor.

-  Now they have a Hummer.  Of course.  Makes me think about Tara Reid for some reason.

-  Now our heroes are being chased by the cops through dry land for some reason.  I think they're trying to get to Tara Reid's daughter's brother who's stranded at 31 Flavors or something.  All I know is it's not raining, it's not flooded, there's no tornadoes, and even less sharknadoes.  There's not even a Jarvis Varnado.  What a gyp.

-  Oh hey, there's a tornado.

-  Remember this?

Good Lord.

-  The son apparently lives in an airplane hanger.  I don't know.

-  Ziering, "A hurricane can pick up marine life and drop it hundreds of miles away."  Oh.  So there's your justification for this entire movie, although I suspect we're talking starfish and seahorses, not 1,000 lb. tiger sharks, but whatevs.  Also, there you go with all your hurricane talk again. Effing false advertising.

-  The new plan, rather than finding shelter since they could, with nothing happening right now, work on finding shelter or even driving further away from the coast, is to "stand and fight." A sharknado.  With things from the local hardware store like chainsaws and an axe and a weed wacker.  And everyone is just accepting that "when those tornadoes show up they're going to be dropping sharks down upon us."  This is so fucking stupid.  It's worse than Arby's. 

-  Now Daddy and Daughter are arguing about how "he's never there for her."  Ain't it just like a woman to bring up irrelevant shit at the worst possible time?

-  The plan is to take the helicopter (don't ask) and drop bombs into the tornadoes to kill the sharks.  Did nobody really see how stupid this was before we got to the "greenlight it" phase?  This is impossible to enjoy, on any level.  This might even be the worst shark movie ever.  And I'm including Jaws 4.  Yeah, I said it.

-  It appears SyFy made a movie called "Chupacabra vs. The Alamo."  I am damn pissed off I missed that one.

-  Nothing like taking a chopper into a tornado.  Full of sharks.  This movie is worse than Wisconsin.  And nobody has died in like 45 minutes.  In the movie, I mean.  I'm guessing several people in Wisconsin have died in the last 45 minutes from firework related accidents and farm animals alone.

-  So the bomb made the tornado disappear.  Why the F don't we just do that whenever there's a tornado here in Minnesota?  Seems like an easy solution.

-  At least people are dying now, as sharks randomly fall in areas which clearly are not being affected by the weather in any way.  Please just end.

-  If you dump gasoline in a pool and throw a match in what would happen?  Would it start on fire?  According to this movie it just straight up explodes.  Like that car that exploded earlier.  And that house.  Suspecting Michael Bay might be secretly involved here.  Or, more likely, his "special" cousin Tony.

-  Oh snap that hot chick fell out of the helicopter and right into the mouth of a shark.  That sucks.  Also we haven't seen Tara Reid in quite some time.  This is probably the part where they were filming but she was passed out because she took all the drugs so they just went ahead without her after drawing a shlong on her face and taking pictures.

-  Ziering (to his son):  "Take care of your mother and sister."
Son:  "Where are you going?"
Ziering (serious face):  "To finish this."

Fucking finish what?  It's a god damn tornado and you know what, when weather conditions change the stupid thing will go away.  Just go in your basement with a flashlight and read a book.  What the fuck?  And how in the holy hell do bombs make a tornado go away?  And where did these thousand of sharks come from that a fucking tornado picked them all up?  They didn't even try to make sense.

-  A shark swallowed Ziering.  Then he chainsawed his way out, no worse for wear.  And he rescued the hot girl at the same time when he pulled her out of the sharks stomach on his way out.  Fuck off.

Tuesday Talkers

Going to be flipping between the Twins and the NBA Finals tonight, so might as well write some random stuff while doing those things.

- First off, I know we are all very excited about our little Byron Buxton and the just promoted to double-A Miguel Sano and with good reason.  Buxton is hitting .350/.444/.578 with 8 triples, 7 homers, and 26 steals while playing amazing defense and Sano hit .330/.424/.655 with 16 home runs in 56 games before his promotion.  No doubt these guys are crushing it and, assuming nothing significantly changes, both will be rated as top 10 prospects in all of baseball when next year's rankings come out.  It's very, very awesome, but the hype train might want to back up just a hair.

On the radio today I heard both Dubay and PA spout complete inanities about these guys (and yes, they are two of the biggest dummies when it comes to baseball among all people who have a public voice so I know they're almost going to say something stupid, but this just really bugged me).  Dubay's big call was that Sano would be a September call-up this year, which is wrong for two reasons.  First, you never go from A-ball to the major leagues in one season, it just doesn't happen unless somebody can prove me wrong but I'm sure it's extremely rare.  Even if he finishes the year tearing up AA like he did A I just can't see it happening.  Secondly, the money issue.  It's moot if he ends up starting 2014 in the majors, which I could see happening but kind of doubt it after Aaron Hicks started so slowly this year, but if they call him up in September guess what?  That major league service time clock gets going a year early.  The Twins are no longer cheap, but that doesn't mean they want to start giving out big money contracts a year early.  Won't happen.

The far more egregious and stupid comment came from PA which is something I assume we are all accustom to at this point, in that he said Buxton should be in the majors RIGHT NOW.  He also said if Buxton had started the year in the majors (yes this year) he would be as good or better than Aaron Hicks so far.  I'm not even going to start to break this doubt because it would be an insult to all of us, but I just don't get the PA popularity.  His knowledge of sports is extremely limited to NFL-only and he's only ok with that, his interview skills are subpar, and his personality is grating and annoying.  Yet, when I was listening to a Vikings game on the radio with a group of people one time somebody said, "Man I love PA" and then somebody else said "He's the best" and then everybody agreed.  I just don't get it.  Is it the raging homerism thing?  Do people love a homer announcer?  He's an idiot and a jackass and is stupid.  It's so confusing.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm living in some kind of weird dream world and this isn't real life.

- One other thing that's kind of getting lost in the Buxton/Sano hype is that Eddie Rosario was also promoted to AA along with Sano.  Rosario may not have the hype of the other two, but he's a pretty big deal and ranks consistently in the top 5 or top 10 on most Twins prospect lists, and is becoming even more valuable after his conversion from outfield to second base which, based on being promoted here, is likely going well.  He can hit (.329/.377/.527 this year) and if he can field at the 4-spot he may be the guy to finally fill that second base hole that's been on this team seemingly since Rod Carew.  Hurry up, Eddie, I can't take much more Brian Dozier.

-  Since I've been typing I've now seen Josh Willingham, Justin Morneau, and Oswaldo Arcia absolutely drill balls back-to-back-to-back off Cole Hamels and it makes one wonder - what is up with that dude?  Long time readers may remember that Hamels was my boyfriend for a while, but he's just been brutal this year.  Thing is, I can't find a single thing you can point to and say "that's the problem."  He's practically been the exact same pitcher this year as he's always been.  The only difference at all is batters are making more contact than usual when they swing at pitches in the strike zone (84% vs. 82%), he's given up more infield hits (16% vs. 11%), and more fly balls he's given up are going out of the park (13% vs. 11.5%).  All of that says his results have been more the result of a fluke than anything significant going on with him.  Then I see him basically put it on a tee for four straight Twin batters and I wonder if he's just making more mistakes this year - the higher contact rates in the zone and homer/flyball rates could back that up.  So, I guess I'm not sure yet what's his deal.  What am I, Galileo?

-  I actually had someone tell me they thought That's My Boy was a really good and funny movie.  No I didn't punch him immediately in the neck but only because we were at softball and we are on the same team and that would have caused all kinds of issues, but I kind of wanted to.

-  Speaking of movies, I caught a little bit of Reign of Fire recently, which is that movie with Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey about dragons in a post apocalyptic world.   It's mostly a terrible movie, but Bale and McConaughey both rock and obviously dragons are like the bomb and stuff so every time I see it I ended up staying on the channel at least long enough to see a dragon fight and quite often end up watching the entire rest of the movie.  So if you're a fan of dragons and/or hot guys you should totally check it out on your netflix or hulu or whatever people watch stuff on these days.

-  The fact that Lebron James hasn't developed a true post game yet drives me crazy - almost as much as his constant bitching.  After the success of having him play the 4 in the Finals last year after Bosh got hurt he had to know they were going to be doing it a lot this season, but still he didn't develop any kind of offensive post moves.  I mean yeah he's still effective posting up and finding shooters or cutters, but his offensive game on the block is to put it on the floor and drive to the hoop.  Sure that works sometimes and he can get to the line that way as well, but can you imagine him with a turnaround jumper or a little jump hook or something?  I know it seems silly to criticize someone who just put up a season where he averaged 27, 8, & 7 while shooting 57%, but man, what if he had an actual post game?  That's fairly terrifying, in a boner inducing way.  Pretty sure he'd still bitch about everything though.

-  Wow the Spurs are just daring Lebron to take jumpers.  Seems to be working since he just bricked a wide open three.
 
 - Should be a very interesting U.S. Open.  From what I've heard the rough will be rough, but tons of rain will make the greens incredibly soft and slow so you'll see a whole lot of conservative play off the tee (to keep in in the fairway) and then aggressive shots into the green.  Sounds like a recipe for an awfully low winning score, which the U.S. Open hates, but there are three par-3s over 235 yards which is going to equalize things a bit, as well as only two par-5s to keep scores in check.  I know a lot of people like to say stuff like "I like it better when it's super tough because then the cream really rises to the top" but really the last few winners when the winning score was even or worse were Webb Simpson, Graeme McDowell, Angel Cabrera, Geoff Ogilvy, and Michael Campbell while the last few winners at -5 or better are Rory McIlroy, Jim Furyk, Tiger Woods, Ernie Els, Lee Janzen, and Payne Stewart.  I mean, that's a pretty clearly better second grouping, right?  Just proves my theory that people are idiots.  Man, I got a lot of evidence for that theorem.  I'll probably be in a magazine soon.

-  Wow Lebron has just been terrible.  Kawhi Leonard refusing to let him drive by giving him the jumper and James can't hit anything.  He's 2-11 from the field right now and if it wasn't for the incredible, incomparable Mike Miller being 5-5 from three this one would be over already.  And now that's 2-12, and he's whining to the ref.  I think I hate this guy.

-  Oh yeah, and I don't have any favorites for the U.S. Open yet.  I need to take a look at a few things before I give you your good futures bets, but without spending too much time on it I think Steve Stricker and Matt Kuchar would be the two I'd throw money at if I had to right now with no time to research.

-  Wow.  This got out of hand quickly.  Like Game 2 but in the Spurs favor.  It's a 31 point lead.  Gary Neal and Danny Green have combined for 51 points so far.  Green by himself has outscored Duncan+Ginobilli+Parker.  Crazy game.  But crazy awesome.

The Sandlot? On the Big Screen? Yes please.

Seriously you guys, this is pretty awesome.  Details below.  Don't forget to leave a comment with your favorite line from the flick to possibly win a free Blu-ray/DVD copy of maybe the best baseball movie of all-time.

The Sandlot” will be shown on the Target Field Jumbo Tron following the Minnesota Twins Game on May 19.  Director David M. Evans, as well as actors Chauncey Leopardi (Squints) and Patrick Renna (Ham) will be in attendance to sign autographs once the movie begins. Visit TwinsBaseball.com to purchase tickets.

 

ENTER TO WIN a copy of THE SANDLOT on DVD & Blu-Ray. Comment below on your favorite line from the film. One lucky winner will be chosen at random to receive a copy of THE SANDLOT on Blu-Ray & DVD, in stores now! 

Make sure when you leave your comment you identify yourself in some way so we don't have a bunch of cheaters trying to claim this sweet movie for themselves.  Or hopefully it's a cluster so I can just keep it for myself.

Some Monday Things

Just some things while I watch the National Championship game, in which I have a 14-to-1 betting slip on Louisville to win the title I bought back in December when I became convinced the Cardinals were the team to beat.  It is the largest futures bet I have ever made, and that is by quite a lot.  Needless to say, I'm a pretty big Louisville fan tonight . That being said, I also have some on Michigan +4 because that's what I actually think will happen, so let's hope for a Louisville win by 1-3 points please thank you drive through.


- First off, this Aaron Hicks thing is really a bummer so far.  I know it's not like his career is over or anything and technically he's off to a better start than Willie Mays and everything, but I was hoping this whole Hicksy thing would be exciting and sexy, not stressful and a little bit depressing.  The good news is that he doesn't seem like it's bothering him as much as it's bothering me.  He's still got his little bit of swagger out in center and his approach at the plate hasn't changed so it doesn't seem like he's pressing or anything.  Today actually was the first time he's looked frustrated at all after his strikeout in the 8th.  No doubt the numbers are ugly, particularly the strikeout numbers, but lots of crazy things happen with small sample sizes early in the season - you only have to look at the Twins' pitching thus far to see that.

By the way, I'm pretty sure Vance Worley is horrendous, we already know Kevin Correia is horrendous, and Liam Hendriks aspires to be horrendous.  That means the only starters in the rotation right now who might not be horrendous are Mike Pelfrey (who is probably horrendous) and Pedro Hernandez (I'm not even sure who this is).  Yet they're 6th in the American League in ERA.  Man that regression to the mean is going to be swift and painiful.

-   This Spike Albrecht shit is crazy.

- As far as Gopher hoops recruiting goes there are two interesting names to pay attention to - Alvin Ellis and Shavar Newkirk. 

Ellis is the dude who had already committed to the Gophers but asked for, and was granted, his release from his Letter of Intent after Tubby was fired and apparently nobody in the athletic department got around to even making a phone call (according to some reports).  I definitely think the Gophers are better off with Ellis than without, but it's not like losing a Royce White type of loss at all.  Ellis will probably end up being a pretty quality four-year player but he's not a program changer, and although his game sounds like it fits what Pitino wants to do if he bails and it just gives Pitino another scholarship to get one of his own guys well, we might as well let the kid do his thing.

Newkirk is a guy I'm really excited about, simply because he's a NYC point guard and I've always loved NYC point guards (I miss you Eric Harris!).  He's a 2014 recruit (obviously I'd rather have Tyus but Newkirk is a solid fall back) who ranks at #125 on the Rivals Top 150, and the reason he's popped up as a possible future Gopher is that our new coach already offered him a scholarship to FIU.  He also carries offers from Iona, Hofstra, Manhattan, Seton Hall, UMass, Providence, and Iowa State.  Really the only competition prestige-wise here is the Cyclones, and the Gophers should have an inside edge since Kimani Young is now on board Pitino's staff and he has deep roots into NYC and is a big reason FIU was on Newkirk in the first place.  As with many NYC point guards he's a great ball-handler and exceptional passer with a terrible jump shot, but I will gladly sacrifice that for a true distributor type and hope he can learn to shoot with time - it worked for Harris.  Let's do this.

-  I watched Weird Science today, and I think it's the first time I've watched the entire thing from start to finish since like, the 90s and you know what?  That is one weird as hell movie.  I'm not even sure if I think it was good or bad.  Somehow I think I blocked out the weird futuristic biker gang scene from my memory.  And all the magic and stuff at the end.  So bizarre.  I'd rather watch License to Drive.  That movie rocked your face off.

-   Half-time and after a huge comeback by Luke Hancock the Spike Albrechts lead 38-37.  Great game.  Especially if you have the Over 138.

-  I haven't really given much thought to the Masters yet (I should probably get Grand Slam in here to write up a Masters preview) but rest assured I'll have a little coin on a couple of players.  Just glancing at the list and without doing any research some of the guys who look interesting are Poulter at 50/1, Mahan at 50/1, Stricker at 66/1, and Immelman 500/1 (those odds are crazy).  Snedeker at 44/1 is another one I need to look at, along with Keegan Bradley (23/1) and Kuchar (40/1).  I don't really like any of the big favorites just because their odds suck.  Tiger is 4/1, Rory is 8/1, Phil is 11/1 and Justin Rose is 17/1.  I don't know.  I'll be back to let you know because I know you want to know.

-   I really expected to write more but this game is way too entertaining.  Bye.

Game Preview: Gophers vs. Northwestern

The Gophers play the Wildcats......again

The Gophers play the Northwestern Wildcats, again, and since the last time they squared off not all that much has changed - other than reconfiguring our expectations for this Gopher team.  Since the last game the Gophers have gone 1-2 with then impressive win at Illinois and losses to Indiana and Michigan - certainly understandable, however the team had stretches of poor play that have taken some of the luster off the early season success.  Northwestern has gone 2-2, winning at Penn State and Illinois (thus the "then impressive win" when the Gophers won in Champaign) and losses and home losses to Iowa (by 20!!) and Indiana.  Basically, the Gophers are maybe a little worse than what we thought last time, and Northwestern is a little better, if only because Reggie Hearn is healthier.  I will admit it - I'm concerned.


I probably shouldn't be.  Minnesota still ranks as the 7th best team in the country by kenpom's advanced metrics while Northwestern is 88th.  Pomeroy projects the Gophers to win 70-61 with an 82% chance of coming out with a victory, and the Gophers seemingly have solved the Northwestern zone, and with Drew Crawford done for the year they're a little lacking in the offensive weapons department.  I get it.  But I'm also a lifelong Minnesota fan, and all those years watching not only the Gophers but the Vikings and Twins have me programmed to expect disappointment.  How "Minnesota" would it feel to have them lose this game?  I don't like feeling this way, but it's just the way I am.  I'm a bipolar fan - high ups, and low downs.  Anyway, if the Gopher team is who I thought they were they should still take this, as long as they don't turn it over 25 times.

Which, just so you know, is actually in the realm of possibility.  Although kenpom ranks them as the 6th most efficient offensive team in the country that's a function of good shooting and great offensive rebounding (where they still rank #1, grabbing an astounding 47.9% of their misses, more than 5% higher than the second best team (Colorado State (Colton Iverson - hi!!))), because they still can't take care of the ball to save their lives.  The Gophers turn the ball over on 21.9% of their possessions, 247th in the country.  No other top ten offensive team turns it over more than 18.8% of the time or ranks outside the top 100.  It's ludicrous.

I'm not going to do duplicate work, so instead I'll direct you to From the Barn's post where he breaks down the nerd stats on turnovers - it's pretty cool.  My most favorite part is how Maverick Ahanmisi turns the ball over on 31% of the possessions when he's in the game.  Only Denzel Valentine of Michigan State and Benny Parker of Nebraska are worse in the Big 10.  The result of FTB's work is it's abundantly clear, even if it wasn't already, that the turnover problem is the one thing keeping the Gophers from reaching the potential we thought they had, but this far into the season it's time to start wondering if they can turn it around.  Bottom line:  STOP DOING THAT!!

I do, however, have a suggestion and hopefully someone can call or email or skype Tubby and tell him.  Did you ever see that movie The Program with Willie Mays Hayes and that alcoholic quarterback and James Caan and the steroid guy Lattimer and a super hot Kristy Swanson?  Well remember when Darnell Jefferson had fumbling issues and Caan gave him a football to carry around all the time and the other football players were supposed to try to knock it out of his hands and then if the ball was returned to Caan by anyone other than Jefferson he'd have to do laps or pushups or get in an Iron Maiden or something?  Well Tubby needs to do that with every single player on this team, and open the competition to everyone on campus and if anybody loses their ball they have to spend two hours in a locked room with the guy who thinks it's cool to dress up as Goldy and act like a complete moron at games, or take a sauna with Mo Walker.  It's our only hope.

The team is still plenty good enough to win the next four (@ NW, @ Wisconsin, vs. Nebraska, vs. Iowa) even if they keep the ball safe at a Lindsay Lohan's hoo-ha level (LiLo jokes played out?  Never, I say!), but if they want to be a truly great team - and I believe they can - they have to stop with this sloppiness.  I think we can all agree my proposal would solve everything.  I should probably step in and coach, too.

Oh, and if you want a rundown on Northwestern's players just read the linked thing above from last game or my preview from the last game since it just happened like a week ago.

Minnesota 66, Northwestern 58.

Super Shark is Super Puke

Well I have nothing better to do with my time and the Tivo is busy Tivo-ing so I can't watch the Twins, so might as well dip once again into the well and see what all I have as far as giant aquatic creature movies.  Yes that's right, I'm once again going for the Live Movie Blog.  As I look, I have Super Shark and Sharktopus on this TV, and I don't feel like going downstairs or walking all the way to the DVD cabinet so it's going to be one of these two.  Super Shark is about a giant, prehistoric shark terrorizing a seaside town and stars the blonde Duke from Dukes of Hazzard who I think was Bo.  Sharktopus is about exactly what you think it is and stars Julia Roberts brother.  Both are off SyFy so possibility of nudity is nil in both cases.  I'm going with Super Shark, it at least sounds like it has a chance to not suck, right? right?

-  On IMDB this has a rating of 2.5/10.  For reference, Piranhaconda was a 2.9.  I'm fucked.

-  Interesting wrinkle in that we're starting the movie off with military guys guarding a beach with big-ass guns.  Usually that doesn't happen until later.  And there''s the shark.  Which just beached itself and isnot leaping about the sand like a god damn Super Mario Brother and roaring the entire time.  Yes, roaring the entire time while bouncing around the beach like the sand was a trampompolline.  And science-y looking chick says, "this isn't working" and then cut to credits.  So we've got:

1.  Shark roaring
2.  Shark on land and mobile
3.  A complete disregard for science
4.  Ignoring of the Jaws formula of "tease, hint, but don't reveal your monster until later in the movie"

And we're one minute in.  Great.

-  ....one week earlier.....there are some dudes on an oil derrick who broke through the earth's crust or something and caused an earthquake where the "Super Shark" came out of the ground and somehow caused an explosion and then leaped out the water and grabbed part of the thing and pulled it under water.  Yeah.  I'm going to go refreshen this rum and coke so it's way stronger.

-  Obligatory beach shot while credits run to music.  No gratuitous shots of female body parts.  This is rough.

-  There's your gratuitous bikini shot right there, and on a sluttier looking Ana Faris kind of chick too.  I dig.

-  Her dude or whatever is scuba diving and asked her to throw a net into the water for some reason so she did and it made the super shark roar and then turn around like it was all mad.  It's true, sharks hate nets that are thrown in the water for no reason.

-  This is the girl who has been walking around in a bikini for like, 7 minutes.  Well done SyFy, well done.

This is where 2.4 of that 2.5 rating come from

-  Suddenly the two-way radio between her and her dude goes nothing but static, so she unplugs it.  Brains are not her best feature.  I can't decide what is yet, but it's not brains.

-  And now she's dead because the shark jumped out of the air and landed on the boat.  Yep, I wish I was the kind of guy who could paint a picture with words because that was just shitty stupid.  And that's twice now this shark has jumped, and like 5-8 times if you include that opening scene.  I think the producer/director/writer of this watched Air Jaws a few too many times.

-  In this movie, Quint will be played by a hawaiian shirt wearing, cowboy hat wearing, swisher sweet smoking, fruity umbrella drink with a bendy straw drinking, sunglasses around the neck on a string having caricature of Jimmy Buffet.  Christ.

-  Science chick just told Buffet that he should take her to the site of the oil platform crash or whatever and gave him a bunch of money and he said it's off limits and she said "my badge says Oceanic Investigation Bureau, it'll get us past anyone."  That can't be a real thing, right?  Then on the boat ride out she takes off the fancy jacket and nice blouse so she can just sunbathe in a bikini.  Not that I'm arguing, but that can't be consider professional conduct by the Oceanic Investigation Bureau.  If she's not careful she's going to get a censure.

-  I'm 17 minutes into this movie.  17.  Shit.

-  FYI:  Josh Willingham is officially known as "Mrs. W's boyfriend" around our house.  Just thought ya'll should know.

-  Science chick is now telling Luke Duke that the area where that oil platform sank is loaded with chemicals.   Well no shit.  then she gets all hard-assy on him and he manages to somehow turn that into a dinner date.  Oh, I'm sure she doesn't think of it as a date, but once she has a couple glasses of wine and he turns on that duke boy charm her pants will be on the floor of the General Lee before she even realizes she's been roofied.

-  The shark roared again.

-  Ooh, there was a survivor of the oil rig accident.  Which honestly doesn't make a lick of sense because the whole thing blew up and was then pulled underwater by the most roaringest shark since Jaws 4.

-  Plus this guy (we'll call him Kobe because he looks like Kobe) actually saw the shark, which is also stupid because in that scene Kobe was down in bowels of station or whatever and then somehow apparently sprinted to the top where he saw the shark and then somehow survived when the whole top level exploded and also survived when it got pulled over.  He really is like Kobe, except he'd probably recognize the talent he has in the paint and work to get them involved in the offense.

-  Suddenly now there's a navy sub for some reason.  I know it's the Navy because the operators are all wearing the kind of NAVY hats you can buy at Walmart.

-  The shark is ramming the sub with it's head at it's side, kind of in a "I'd really like to get to know you biblically" kind of way.  Sexy.

-  Never mind it bit the sub in half instead.  Man, talk about a violent relationship.  This shark's got nothing on Dez Bryant, who, by the way, is a cornerstone in my rebuilding effort in our Fantasy Football keeper league. Ass.

-  THERE WAS POTASSIUM FELDSPAR IN THE WATER!  It HYDROLIZES INTO KAOLINITE AND QUARTZ AND POTASSIUM HYDROXIDE!  IT CAN CREATE A CHEMICAL THAT CAN BREAK DOWN ROCKS!

-  This lady is a dummy.  She thinks this hyrdolizing thing caused the rocks around the base of the oil platform to crumble thus causing it to sink.  Stupid lady, we all know it was a shark.  Excuse me, a super shark.

-  Potassium Feldspar is used to make glass and ceramics.  Kaolinite is used in medicines and paper manufacturing.  Quartz is quartz.  Potassium Hydroxide is actually corrosive, but in a way where it's used in batteries and cuticle removers, but it's most common use is to make soap and biodiesel which I assume is some kind of fuel.  Hydrolysis is a real thing that means the breakdown of chemicals by the addition of water.  So in theory all of those words science lady used could happen, except for the part where it created something that basically melted rock.  Also known as, "the whole half-assed scientific theory this movie is based on."  Plus the shark roars.

-  By the way, congrats should go out to Snacks and Mrs. Snacks as they welcomed their first child, Baby Lukas, into the world late Monday evening.  Pretty cool stuff, though I would have gone with a "c".

-  Two life guard girls who have been in several scenes but have been too boring to mention are now at some karaoke bar with some dude that looks like that mean guy from the OC but isn't.  Also earlier that one lifeguard lady was like telling the other lifeguard lady how they'd have a big party for her birthday but now it's just the three of them and this is very sad.  But it turns out there's a bikini contest, so all is not lost.

-  This bikini contest is sad.  And a sad bikini contest is the saddest thing of all.

-  Oh snap!  The birthday girl life guard girl decided to join the contest and be brave and strip because of course she had her bikini on under her clothes and she was all happy until she turned and looked and saw OC guy and other lifeguard girl guy making out.  Sad.  Reminded me of when Screech saw Zack and Lisa making out before the fashion show at the Max.  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

-  I wasn't paying attention and there was an Advil commercial that I thought was part of the movie.  I'm not sure if that says more about this movie or me but I'm a stupid free blogger and this is a movie that presumably cost 10s of thousands of dollars I assume.  Right?  100s?  I don't know.  How much does something like this cost?  And what can the profit margin possibly be?  Like 8 bucks?  I hope.

-  These lifeguards broads are arguing over that OC dude and then the one who didn't get the guy said I wish I was dead and then the shark ate her by jumping on the beach which is genius.  Then it ate her traitorous friend by jumping again and eating her.  The shark bouncing through sand is actually starting to win me over.  It's the stupidest thing ever other than Sex and the City but god damn at least they're consistent.  Something to be said for that I assume but I'm drunk so shut your mother.

-  The shark just ate somebody.  I don't know.  What am I, Kreskin?

-  Man, the Oceanic Bureau of Investigation sure does have a lax dresscode, because she's just out there and loving any minute of it.  and it worked because her and Jimmy Buffet guy just found he shark, AND IT'S CIRCLING THE BOAT!  The wake trailing behind the dorsal fin also looks like a child drew it with crayon.

-  Huh.  It seems that if you turn off your radio a giant prehistoric shark that is circling your boat for no real reason will leave.  Actually, now Investigator Boobsy explains that the shark was giving off it's own radio waves that were interfering with the boat's radio.  Yep, that's their explanation.

-  Bikini photo shoot on the beach.  I fear for these ladies lives.  But of course, the killer animal in this is a shark and they aren't actually in the water, so clearly they're safe.  Of course they're not safe you fool!  Did you forget we aren't dealing with some kind of regular old Tom Gugliotta of sharks, this is like, the kind of sharks!  The Kevin Durant or Rico Tucker of sharks!  And right on cue sharky boy jumps onto the beach and eats the photographer and both girls, but not before the blond one tries to beat it up by using a beach umbrella as a javelin or a jousting stick thing.  It didn't work.

-  Science lady, who it turns out is not an actual investigator with the ocean CSI or whatever but is in reality a hippie who hates people who drill for sweet, sweet oil, is now hammered at the bar because apparently she hates sharks or something.  I don't know.  I'd post a picture of the young lass but sadly I can't find a good one.  Or I'm struggling to use google properly.

-  Here comes the army or whatever to try to kill the shark before the big 4th of July festivities.  I was going to make a joke here but I got nothin'.

-  Speaking of gotting nothing, we went to a meat raffle tonight - me, TRE, Dr. Acula, Theory, and Lunny and TRE won twice (two $20 giftcards to a meat store), Theory won once (one giftcard), I won once (Six burgundy pepper marinated strip steaks), and Dr. Acula and Lunny were shutout in your face.  I don't have any idea if those steaks are good but I won and wanted steak and it was either that or kabobs and the kabobs had vegetables on them and I didn't go to a vegetable raffle.

-  Fake Dr. boobsy is winning me over.  Mostly with the cleavage.  Also winning me over?  When I logged into an online sportsbook I hadn't used in about a year and saw over $300 in there.  Sweet.  Can't wait to blow it.

-  We're back at the part with the army on the beach from before.  I bet you guys like, $80 the shark jumps on the beach and eats that tank and all that shit.

-  Bullets seem to only make super shark mad.  Also this looks like something my son could creaate with his toy shark and army men, plus a little ketchup.  Shark is actually walking on the beach on it's fins right now.  I might be drunk enough for this to be sweet.  Also, and this is quite the run-on post already, sharks hate fire.  Apparently.

-  Shark dude just jumped way the eff up in the air and took down Maverick and Goose.  Probably a deleted scene from Top Gun.

-  Best British Open Bets (to win):  Sergio 30-1, Poulter 40-1, Furyk 40-1, Johnson 40-1, Stricker 60-1.

-  Everyone is now listening to crazy fake ocean cop lady.  She, with no examination mind you, says the shark has too tough of skin to shoot and is completely neutralized and/or driven crazy by radio waves because it omits waves, also claims it flies because it jumps, can walk on it's fins, and was trapped in rock, but was still alive, and escaped after the hydrolizing agent was used by the oil companies.   And she delivers it so earnestly it's like she forgot what movie she is in.

-  Mayor guy or whoever doesn't really care except to say "Those beaches must be open for the fourth of July."  Pretty sure Jaws guy did this better.

-  And she's sexing Jimmy Buffet guy who is once again wearing a Hawaiian shirt.  This movie makes me hurt.

-  The army dudes are going with some kind of walking tank, while Jimmy Buffet and his lady are rocking some pretty serious speakers.  I will bet you $40 right now they end up doing something like cranking up the radio and it makes the sharks head explode.  $40.

-  That stupid tank thing misses the shark by like 90 feet every time it tries to shoot.  Stupid tank.

-  This.  This is.....just indescribable.  there are no words.  It's just jumping around on the beach like Misti May (who married shitty baseball player Matt Traynor, by the way).

This is what you get when you're a failed baseball player.

-  Fake science lady blew up the shark by throwing a boombox in it's mouth.  I think there was something about explosives in there too but I wasn't really paying attention because I was busy looking for pictures and doesn't it just seem right that throwing a boombox in the sharks mouth and like, turning it on or something would fit this movie well.  I think so, and that's how I choose to believe this ended.  Makes it easier when i think about how I spent my time watching this instead of gambling.