Friday, December 13, 2013

Two-Headed Horribleness: A DWG movie blog

Coming at you live from my couch, and it's time to use this fancy netflix thing I have now to watch something completely terrible, hopefully with people dying, and write words about it.  Today I have chosen 2-Headed Shark Attack for your enjoyment, as you probably surmised from the picture right above here.  I went with this movie for four reasons:

1.  It's on Netflix
2.  It sounds really stupid
3.  Carmen Electra

Yes, Carmen Electra, one of my first loves, is in this, along with Brooke Hogan who is famous for being a daughter and Charlie O'Connell who is famous for being a brother and has also been in at least one Live Movie Blog on here before.  So let's kick back with a drink (going with Bell's Christmas Ale to start, but I'm guessing my good buddy Vodka might make an appearance by the halfway point of this garbage) and enjoy some terrible acting, horrible science, and big breasts.  I'll set the mood:

All good?  Let's go.

-  Two chicks water skiing at the same time, there's almost now way the 2-headed shark doesn't eat them simultaneously, right?

-  Right.

-  I like this because there's these three douchebag guys who were driving the boat and the sharked rammed it and we're supposed to think they're in deep water but while they're "treading" water I can actually see the ocean floor.

-  Carmen.  Electra.  My god.  Still just stunning.  I can't even think right now.

-  Ok so here's some boat that appears to be some kind of school on a boat deal and Charlie O'Connell's the teacher, so that's the second biggest stretch of the movie so far.  The biggest is Brooke Hogan playing the "hot chick."  So far every character is a perfect stereotype - we have nerdy guy, nerdy chick, hot chick, mean jock, pothead guy, and bitchy chick.  I don't like any of them. 

-  Apparently this movie needed two writers, one for the story and one for the screenplay.  I feel like this is somehow the most absurd thing about this movie, and there's a two-headed shark involved. 

- Oh god more Carmen.  Is it hot in here?  It feels really hot in here.

-  The black girl talks really black.  You know what I mean.  Super good writing so far.  The characters really come to life. 

-  The school boat just ran over a dead megamouth shark, and nerdy guy rips off about 10 facts about the megamouth and you're not going to believe this, but they're all dead on balls accurate.  So some completely retarded movie about a 2-headed shark is the first syfy movie ever to actually research and put something factually accurate in the movie.  I did not see that coming.

-  So here's what happened:  the megamouth ended up going through the school ship's propellers injured the boat and made it start taking on water, while at the same time the massive amount of blood in the water attracted the totally realistic looking 2-headed shark to the boat.  So the school boat will have to land at this super small island that's probably going to be deserted or something while some blonde chick repairs the hull.  Not a euphemism.

-  So since I switched jobs about a year and a half ago you may have noticed a lack of updates regarding fancy dinners, and that's because we never have fancy dinners at this job.  But last week we did, and so you should know that we went with calamari, mozzarella stuffed meatballs, a couple of flatbreads, spicy shrimp, and brussels sprouts for appetizers, followed up by a caesar salad and then for my entree I had pesto sea bass with roasted asparagus with a thai chili beurre blanc.  Pretty good.  Toffee and Grand Marnier truffles for dessert.  I much prefer my current job to any other I've had, but man do I miss those kind of dinners.

-  The good news is there are about 20 "college students" on this island now and many of them are female and in bikinis.  The bad news is that everyone in this thing is either a terrible overactor or just a plain terrible actor, and we need more Carmen Electra.

-  Guess what's attracted to the sound/smell/sight of a welding torch underwater?  Yep, a 2-headed shark which roars, of course.  Sorry blonde girl, although I do like how the two heads fought over the meal and ended up tearing her in half.  If the computer effects were done by something more powerful than an etch-a-sketch that would have been really cool.  But hey, Carmen is not sunbathing in a tiny bikini.  Previously she was dancing in the sun in a tank top.  I enjoy how nobody is pretending she is anything she isn't in this movie.  It's kind of beautiful.

-  I feel bad for Brooke Hogan here and not just because of her dad.  She's clearly supposed to be the main star here but she's completely overshadowed by Carmen and really everybody else.  We know Brooke is supposed to be the star because she just told a story about almost getting attacked by a shark or something and how she hasn't been in the water since she was twelve.  So she signed up for semester at sea to get over her fear of the water because that's something people in movies do that people in real life would never ever do.

-  Uh oh, a guy and two girls snuck off and are about to go "swimming."  This never ends well.

-  Boobs?  We have boobs?  Whoa.  Since this was originally on SyFy I wasn't ready for this but I guess the netflix and DVD versions are different, because there are lots of minutes of boobs.  But here comes growly mcfunhater shark to blow things up, and right as we have two chicks making out.  Also, they're in water that's only up to their waists (to better expose the boobs, of course) but the huge shark (with 2-heads) somehow managed to kill both the girls and do so in such a way that it bit their legs and they started coughing up blood.  This is horrible.

-  I think there was an earthquake or something.  Not really sure but there was a loud noise and then everybody started yelling and pretending the ground was shaking.  Chuck O'Connell fell on a dock and now he has some blood on his leg and can't walk or something.  I suspect this is supposed to be a serious injury but it pretty much looked like he fell down and got a scrape.  And there's another earthquake or whatever and bitchy girl started crying so Brooke Hogan slapped her.  Everyone is mad at Brooke now but I think slapping a woman when she's crying or talking is something that should really start catching on.

-  Ha Ha Carmen Electra is playing a doctor.  Awesome.  Also Mr. O'Connell hasn't stopped whining about his leg.  Brooke Hogan needs to slap that bitch.

-  Two more students we were never introduced got eaten, but this time people saw it so now they know there's a shark.   A shark that kills indiscriminantly in as little as 3 feet of water besides being totally huge and also every time it attacks they show it coming up from deep water.  And also roars.

-  The students found some old fishing boats which apparently Brooke can fix and so now they have two working boats.  To be eaten.  Keep in mind these students have no idea anything is wrong other than their big school boat needs repairs, so there's no reason for them to steal these fishing boats other than to go joy riding, which is exactly what they're doing.  Kids today, no respect. 

-  Omg the island is sinking because the shark keeps ramming the island.  Go ahead and let that one sink in while I grab another beer. 

- And now we have looped footage of Carmen Electra yelling "get out of the god damn water."  Looped footage.  I have watched an awful lot of crap but this is the worst of the bunch, and it has Carmen Electra so you know it must be extra bad. 

-  Oh man that guy just got his arm ripped right off.  Just like Aaron Rodgers.  By the way, fantasty football is totally gay and if you play it you're stupid too.  I hate it and I'm quitting forever next year.

-  So I guess this is just some shark born with two heads.  And because it has two heads apparently boat motors really bug it because it has "hyper sensitive electromagnetic responders", which really goes along way towards why it keeps attacking swimmers.

-  "We're in shallow water now, the shark can't get to us."  OH BULLSHIT!  Haven't you been watching this movie Brooke?

-  This is so bad there isn't even much to say.  The atoll is sinking because the shark is ramming it, teh big boat doesn't work, and they can't use the little boats because the 2-headed shark has twice the "electromagnetic resonance" as a normal shark.  And yet it's all super boring. 

-  The plan is too create a super strong magnetic field to distract the shark using an electric generator and some metal polls.  It took two writers to come up with this. 

-  So how about Jason Kubel coming back to the Twins?  That's pretty cool.  Not cool?  I got ride of my Kubel shirt. 

-  The shark rammed charge generator and then ate a couple of characters we don't care about (while roaring).  Now there is nothing to distract the shark from Brooke Hogan who is the one who is welding the ship back together even though she's scared of the water. This seems more like a scooby doo episode than a movie.

-  I guess she fixed it because the mean jock guy is driving away now, which means he's leaving all the other students behind because they've already established he's a jerk who is only worried about himself.  Also earlier they said it would take at least a day to fix the hull but that was clearly about 15 minutes.  Shocking there would be continuity problems with a movie that also spent the majority of the time establishing that this mean guy was mean.  And now dead because the shark killed the school boat.  Because of all the electromagnitvity, you see.

-  Now that the atoll (fancy word for island) is about to sink the new plan is to climb the trees.  Seriously this is when SyFy clearly threw in the towel and just stopped trying altogether.  I would rather spend the entire weekend in Iowa than watch this again.  And I don't mean Ames which is pretty awesome or that Casino just over the border, I mean the bad parts of Iowa.  Most of it.  You know, the parts that literally smell like shit.

-  Carmen and O'Connell just got hit by a tidal wave (no idea where that came from) and the shark at the same time but it's ok because they realized they were about to die and started making out.  Lucky dude.  Hope he grabbed a feel.

-  Now alternating between shots of completely fake super tidal wavy water and the students screaming while in totally calm water.  Par for the course.  They locked themselves in a flooded shed but the shark is still knocking on the door like the big bad wolf and shit because that's how sharks totally act god this sucks I hope everybody involved went bankrupt. 

-  Roaring.  Kill me.

-  Somebody has a gun all of a sudden.  I don't know.  I need a drink.

-  Since 99% of this is computer generated so many of the scenes are clearly the director (if there is one) telling the actors, "ok, the shark is coming after you now, run towards the camera screaming" and it totally shows.

-  They're going to try to blow up a barrel of gas to kill the shark, because one of the students still alive somehow kept her beach bag with her through everything else including earthquakes and shark attacks (the 2-headed kind) and she happened to have a lighter.

-  The shark what ated everybody just got successfully fought off by Brooke Hogan with a piece of driftwood.  Then it bit the can of gasoline and blew up.  But wait!  Only one head blew up!  What a twist!!

-  The second head died when the shark bit the boat's engine, a behavior it hadn't exhibited throughout the entire movie.  This movie gave me eye cancer.


John R said...

Thank you! I love these things.

WWWWWW said...

And I love you, John R.