Hi folks. I just finished up an absolutely terrific meal I prepared myself (Grilled Marlin Steaks in a garlic lemon butter sauce) and as such I'm feeling pretty good so it's time to roll out an idea I've been kicking around for a while: Daily morning posts.
Usually during the week when something interesting happens but I don't feel it warrants an entire post, I just file it away to use for the Week in Review post on Monday, but that's irritating at times and a lot slips through the cracks, so from now if I'm not writing something about something more important like Twins' talk, Gopher hoops, or crappy SyFy movies, I'll try to put together a linksy/newsy like a respectable blogger for posting in the morning so you'll have something to do while you try to wake up at work.
Now, they will be shorter than the Week in Review posts (thank god is what you're saying), and I'm not guaranteeing this every morning, but I'm going to try to keep this going until I get bored. Also keep in mind that I go to bed around 11, so it's not going to be often that any West Coast games are going to be highlighted here.
Let's see how this goes. Without further ado, your first ever "Six Things":
1. Danny Valencia is sick of my calling him a nancy-boy slap hitter. Well, he didn't actually say that, but he said it with his bat, going 4-4 with his first career home run. He wasn't the only star for the Twins, with Delmon also chipping in with yet another 4-hit game and Joe Mauer going 5-5 with a home run and 7 RBI, all on their way to 19 runs on 20 hits, giving them 29 runs and 39 hits over he last two games. Lost in all this is the fact that Liriano tossed an easy breezy seven innings of 3 hit, no run ball for the win, and would have had a shot at a shut out (just 83 pitches) if the game wasn't such a massacre. The Twinkies have an easy schedule the rest of the way, and Detroit is falling apart at the seems, so this thing is right there for them if they want it. And then we can once again enjoy the yearly ritual known as "getting swept out of the playoffs." It's a magical time.
2. Al Jefferson hates Toyotas, T-Wolves. Ok, he had some nice things to say about Minnesota, but it's pretty clear he's not sad to be gone. I'm curious how he's going to fit in since Deron Williams is a pick-and-roll PG and he's not a pick-and-roll PF, but whatever. And Actually calling the T-Wolves a Toyota might be a compliment. I'd have been more specific, like calling them a '84 Toyota Tercel that for some reason has three semi-expensive steering wheels.
3. Matt Garza is feeling the heat from Delmon Young. Just when it was seeming like the balance of the Delmon/Garza trade might be swinging in the Twins favor, Matt Garza goes out and tosses a no-hitter, and damn near a perfect game with just a single blemish in the form of a walk to Brennan Boesch. Nice little outing. He's still no Delmon, but I'd say he's significantly better than Jason Pridie.
4. Matt Wieters is back. This week Snake and I were forced to bring Matt Wieters back aboard our fantasy team due to Miguel Olivo suddenly finding himself in a platoon with the hottest prospect of 2005, Chris Iannetta. We figured we'd give him one more week before cutting him for good, but that's probably not going to happen after he went deep twice last night against Toronto, increasing his season HR total by a whopping 33%. Bad news: They still lost because they're Baltimore. Good news: My autographed Matt Wieters ball just increased in value by 18%.
5. The Wolves continue to get weirder. This time the Kahner traded one of his three steering wheels (Ramon Sessions), last year's occasionally starting center (Ryan Hollins) and a second round pick for noted Lebron-mom banger Delonte West and second-time's the charm Sebastien Telfair, whose NBA career is clearly working out exactly according to plan. Except of course that neither of these guys will play a game, because West can be waived before August 5th, which would cost just $500k (compared to his $4.6 million salary) and Telfair will be re-traded or bought out as well. Let me tell you, there's nothing more satisfying for a fan than a trade which saves the team money but brings in no talent. This must mean cheaper beer next season, right?
6. Dez Bryant is probably going to steal Halle Berry too. The big news out of Cowboy Camp is that Dez Bryant refused to carry Roy Williams' pads after practice, as is customary at Dallas Training Camp, and everybody is all in a huff. I get that, there is something to be said for tradition, even if it's stupid and retarded, but this just smacks a little too much of a Darnell Jefferson/Ray Griffen situation if you ask me. The brash young rookie (Jefferson/Bryant) comes to the team (Dallas/ESU) with designs on stealing the underperforming incumbent starter's (Williams/Griffen) job. I think we know how this ends: Williams throws a crushing block to spring Dez for a key touchdown, helping a fresh-from-rehab led Tony Romo and the Cowboys to a Super Bowl victory while Demarcus Ware listens from a hospital room, tears running down his cheeks because he knows his career is over.
So there we are. The first ever 6 things. Hopefully it won't be the last, but I make no promises. I can be legendarily lazy, and get bored and distracted quic
Showing posts with label Matt Wieters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Matt Wieters. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Week in Review - 6/7/2010
Obviously the biggest news of the week was the non-perfect game thrown by Andres Galarraga's son. Since you probably haven't heard enough about that whole situation, allow me to weigh in.
Just kidding. Yes, it was a big deal and even the kind of thing we discussed around the office the day after, but I think it's probably time to just let it go. And let me tell you a secret. Galarraga is going to get killed his next time out. Just shelled. Trust me on this one.
Oh, and I suppose Wooden passing is a pretty big deal, too. RIP. Fifth best Wizard ever behind Merlin, Gandalf, Raistlin, and that kid from that Nintendo movie.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Justin Smoak. Smoak is rising (sorry, had to be done). Uber-prospect and secret crush of mine Justin Smoak got the call up early this year after Chris Davis crashed and burned (and whiffed) for the second year in a row, and didn't exactly get off to a great start. All through April and May he never got his batting average over .200. There were good signs, however, such as a good OBP (around .310), a good BB/K ratio (nearly 1:1), and good power when he did make contact. One of these days, things were going to click. And it looks like they have. He went 8-18 this week, including a 3-3 with a HR game against the Rays, and has now raised his average to .212, which may not sound like much, but it's a huge improvement. Oh yeah, he also walked five times. Seriously, man, this kid can hit, and he's going to be a player for a long, long, time. Get on board.
2. Tommy Hunter. As long as I'm talking about how the Rangers' are stacking with youngster types, we might as well throw a little bit of praise Hunter's way after he tossed a complete game five-hitter on Saturday in his first start of the year. And it's not like he threw it against a crappy hitting team like the Mariners or Twins, he threw it against the Rays. Hunter, a top pitching prospect type, made his debut in 2008 and got destroyed in his three starts, but then came up again mid-year last season and ended up putting up respectable numbers with a 9-6 record, 4.10 ERA, and 1.30 WHIP in 19 starts. For some reason that I don't know, he started the season in the minors, but was recalled this weekend in time to completely shut down Tampa. Because the Rangers don't have enough blue-chippers (Smoak, Andrus, Feliz, Borbon, Max Ramirez, and the list seriously goes on and on and on.) I don't really believe in Hunter, however, because there's no such thing as a good fat pitcher. 6-3, 280 lbs.? Oof.
3. Ray Allen. Game 1: 27 minutes, 0 three-pointers, 12 points, Celtics loss. Game 2: 44 minutes, 8 three-pointers, 32 points, Celtics win. Watching that game 2 tonight, Allen is clearly a major, major key for the Celtics if they're going to win. In game 1 he was limited by a bunch of terrible foul calls against him, but tonight he was able to get free and he lit up the Lakers for 7 threes in the first-half, which tied a finals record for a full game. Pierce is being limited pretty well by Artest and Garnett has shown that he's aged ten years in the last two real years, so it's basically up to Allen and Rondo, and they came through (Rondo had a triple double) to pull it out. They needed this one, and Allen was the biggest reason they got it. Plus that jumper is just so beautiful. What's prettier than a Ray Allen jumper. Nothing, that's what. And if you disagree you're a stupid liar.
4. Ubaldo Jimenez. I know I already wrote about Ubaldo early last week in his very own spotlight post, but I have to point him out once again because he won once again. My favorite part is that he pitched seven innings and gave up two runs, and it raised his ERA by 19%. He's now 11-1, with an ERA under one, and by all accounts is completely unhittable. Nobody can hit his fastball, and nobody can hit his changeup. And both his curve and his slider are above average. His BABIP and runner strand rate are outside of the normal range, so he should come back to earth, but watching him pitch I'm not sure. He seriously looks ridiculous out there. I feel like I'm watching Bob Gibson or the bizarro Brad Radke. He probably has around 22 starts or so remaining, so 30 wins is basically out of the question, but I can see him getting to 25-27, which would be the most since Bob Welch's 27 twenty years. Yes, he's that good. At least so far.
5. Troy Glaus. I seriously thought Glaus was retired, but it turns out he's playing 3B for the Braves, which is where I thought Chipper Jones played. Clearly I don't know what's going on. Especially because Glaus homered four times last week. That gives him 11 this year. That's as many as A-Rod, Joe Mauer, Ian Kinsler, and Nick Punto have combined. And Troy Glaus is like, 45. He should be playing softball with Matt Stairs and Matthew LeCroy, but instead he's killing NL pitching. Makes no sense. Although I'd take him on the Twins. I tire of slap-hitting corner infielders easily, no matter the amount of bare-handed pick-ups they make.
WHO SUCKED
1. Zack Greinke. Did I, or did I not tell you about Zack Greinke? Now, after a 6 inning, 10 hit, 4 run outing, even the too great to be put into actual words Joe Posnanski agrees. Check out his full blog post here, but it highlights the same drop in velocity I brought up, and mentions how his slider isn't breaking like it used to - big keys in him missing bats, the #1 change from last season. Posnanski believes that it isn't Greinke's physical tools that are hurting him this year, but his confidence. Check out these quotes: "The last month I haven't really been myself, I guess. Everything looks tougher, like the hitters look better and the strike zone looks smaller. It just seems tougher out there at the moment." and about his slider, "I was probably striking out like six guys a game last year on a slider, and now I probably do one or two a game. I still throw it, but I don't know why it's not working. But obviously, something's wrong with it. I don't know." Now it's not like his numbers are Kevin Mulvey-esque or anything and he's still one of the best pitchers in baseball, but it sounds like his head is all out of whack. And for a guy like Greinke who has had some mental problems before, that is a huge red flag. I hope he can get his head right and not go into a shame spiral, because when he's dominant he's about as fun to watch pitch as there is.
2. Ricky Rubio. It seems Mr. Rubio has no interest in coming to the NBA until after next season, and is only interested in becoming a Timberwolf if things "get better" and "gel." Well excuse me, your majesty. Did they not scout the arrogance on this kid? I'm starting to hope he never ends up a Wolf. Hopefully they can just go ahead and trade his rights. Maybe they can include him in a sign and trade with the Heat and get Dwyane Wade. I'm just sayin' that Al Jefferson, Corey Brewer, and the rights to Rubio would work under the salary cap rules to get Wade. And, if they do that trade, that still leaves them enough to sign Bosh. So Bosh, Love, Wade, Flynn, and Evan Turner after he slips to #4. Sounds about right.
3. Matt Wieters. Good god this is some kind of world-record slump. But do you remember when Jesus was in that slump and ended up getting crucified for it? And then three days later he smashed through that rock and flew up to heaven? Expect Wieters to be rebirthed in three days. Wednesday versus C.C. Sabathia. Make your time.
4. Denard Span. Since we are talking world record slumps, how can I leave out Spansy? He tripled on Sunday, which was his first hit in June, and his 1-5 on the day was a huge improvement over the 1-20 he had put up so far in the week. Span's average has now dipped down to .266, but because he has such a good command of the strike zone and such good plate patience, even when he's slumping with the bat he's still valuable because he gets on base due to walks. Of course, with the injuries piling up to the point where Matt Tolbert and Brendan Harris are now considered regualrs, Span's bat is sorely needed. Also, why did Brendan Harris play first base with Morneau out? Are we serious here that Jim Thome is really too old and too slow that he can't fill in in an emergency? With nearly ever big bat out of the lineup for various reasons it would have been a pretty good idea to get Thome in there. Either he's become completely immobile or Gardy is an idiot. I know which way I'm leaning.
5. Nick Blackburn. Staying with your precious Twinkies, Blackburn really stayed hot, didn't he? After a May in which he posted a 2.65 ERA and looked like he could be half as good as Dawger thinks he is, he came crashing back hard this week, going 0-2 and lasting a total of just six and a third innings, givng up 20 hits (yes, 20) and 10 runs while striking out zero. Yes, zero. See, here's the problem with Blackburn - if he's not hitting his exact spots, he gets destroyed because he doesn't have good stuff. He has good control and good sinker which can be a great weapon when he can keep it down and move it in and out, but if he's not he can't get away with just throwing. When opponents swing at his pitches they swing and miss only 5.6% of the time - lowest in the majors - so he needs the ground balls. Obviously, this week he couldn't hit the corners and didn't keep the ball down, and he got knocked all over the yard. This is exhibit A through exhibit Z of while he'll never be a top-line pitcher, and will always be mid to end of the rotation type. I still like him and all, but there are going to be plenty more games like this in his future. Zero margin for error.
Just kidding. Yes, it was a big deal and even the kind of thing we discussed around the office the day after, but I think it's probably time to just let it go. And let me tell you a secret. Galarraga is going to get killed his next time out. Just shelled. Trust me on this one.
Oh, and I suppose Wooden passing is a pretty big deal, too. RIP. Fifth best Wizard ever behind Merlin, Gandalf, Raistlin, and that kid from that Nintendo movie.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Justin Smoak. Smoak is rising (sorry, had to be done). Uber-prospect and secret crush of mine Justin Smoak got the call up early this year after Chris Davis crashed and burned (and whiffed) for the second year in a row, and didn't exactly get off to a great start. All through April and May he never got his batting average over .200. There were good signs, however, such as a good OBP (around .310), a good BB/K ratio (nearly 1:1), and good power when he did make contact. One of these days, things were going to click. And it looks like they have. He went 8-18 this week, including a 3-3 with a HR game against the Rays, and has now raised his average to .212, which may not sound like much, but it's a huge improvement. Oh yeah, he also walked five times. Seriously, man, this kid can hit, and he's going to be a player for a long, long, time. Get on board.
2. Tommy Hunter. As long as I'm talking about how the Rangers' are stacking with youngster types, we might as well throw a little bit of praise Hunter's way after he tossed a complete game five-hitter on Saturday in his first start of the year. And it's not like he threw it against a crappy hitting team like the Mariners or Twins, he threw it against the Rays. Hunter, a top pitching prospect type, made his debut in 2008 and got destroyed in his three starts, but then came up again mid-year last season and ended up putting up respectable numbers with a 9-6 record, 4.10 ERA, and 1.30 WHIP in 19 starts. For some reason that I don't know, he started the season in the minors, but was recalled this weekend in time to completely shut down Tampa. Because the Rangers don't have enough blue-chippers (Smoak, Andrus, Feliz, Borbon, Max Ramirez, and the list seriously goes on and on and on.) I don't really believe in Hunter, however, because there's no such thing as a good fat pitcher. 6-3, 280 lbs.? Oof.
3. Ray Allen. Game 1: 27 minutes, 0 three-pointers, 12 points, Celtics loss. Game 2: 44 minutes, 8 three-pointers, 32 points, Celtics win. Watching that game 2 tonight, Allen is clearly a major, major key for the Celtics if they're going to win. In game 1 he was limited by a bunch of terrible foul calls against him, but tonight he was able to get free and he lit up the Lakers for 7 threes in the first-half, which tied a finals record for a full game. Pierce is being limited pretty well by Artest and Garnett has shown that he's aged ten years in the last two real years, so it's basically up to Allen and Rondo, and they came through (Rondo had a triple double) to pull it out. They needed this one, and Allen was the biggest reason they got it. Plus that jumper is just so beautiful. What's prettier than a Ray Allen jumper. Nothing, that's what. And if you disagree you're a stupid liar.
4. Ubaldo Jimenez. I know I already wrote about Ubaldo early last week in his very own spotlight post, but I have to point him out once again because he won once again. My favorite part is that he pitched seven innings and gave up two runs, and it raised his ERA by 19%. He's now 11-1, with an ERA under one, and by all accounts is completely unhittable. Nobody can hit his fastball, and nobody can hit his changeup. And both his curve and his slider are above average. His BABIP and runner strand rate are outside of the normal range, so he should come back to earth, but watching him pitch I'm not sure. He seriously looks ridiculous out there. I feel like I'm watching Bob Gibson or the bizarro Brad Radke. He probably has around 22 starts or so remaining, so 30 wins is basically out of the question, but I can see him getting to 25-27, which would be the most since Bob Welch's 27 twenty years. Yes, he's that good. At least so far.
5. Troy Glaus. I seriously thought Glaus was retired, but it turns out he's playing 3B for the Braves, which is where I thought Chipper Jones played. Clearly I don't know what's going on. Especially because Glaus homered four times last week. That gives him 11 this year. That's as many as A-Rod, Joe Mauer, Ian Kinsler, and Nick Punto have combined. And Troy Glaus is like, 45. He should be playing softball with Matt Stairs and Matthew LeCroy, but instead he's killing NL pitching. Makes no sense. Although I'd take him on the Twins. I tire of slap-hitting corner infielders easily, no matter the amount of bare-handed pick-ups they make.
WHO SUCKED
1. Zack Greinke. Did I, or did I not tell you about Zack Greinke? Now, after a 6 inning, 10 hit, 4 run outing, even the too great to be put into actual words Joe Posnanski agrees. Check out his full blog post here, but it highlights the same drop in velocity I brought up, and mentions how his slider isn't breaking like it used to - big keys in him missing bats, the #1 change from last season. Posnanski believes that it isn't Greinke's physical tools that are hurting him this year, but his confidence. Check out these quotes: "The last month I haven't really been myself, I guess. Everything looks tougher, like the hitters look better and the strike zone looks smaller. It just seems tougher out there at the moment." and about his slider, "I was probably striking out like six guys a game last year on a slider, and now I probably do one or two a game. I still throw it, but I don't know why it's not working. But obviously, something's wrong with it. I don't know." Now it's not like his numbers are Kevin Mulvey-esque or anything and he's still one of the best pitchers in baseball, but it sounds like his head is all out of whack. And for a guy like Greinke who has had some mental problems before, that is a huge red flag. I hope he can get his head right and not go into a shame spiral, because when he's dominant he's about as fun to watch pitch as there is.
2. Ricky Rubio. It seems Mr. Rubio has no interest in coming to the NBA until after next season, and is only interested in becoming a Timberwolf if things "get better" and "gel." Well excuse me, your majesty. Did they not scout the arrogance on this kid? I'm starting to hope he never ends up a Wolf. Hopefully they can just go ahead and trade his rights. Maybe they can include him in a sign and trade with the Heat and get Dwyane Wade. I'm just sayin' that Al Jefferson, Corey Brewer, and the rights to Rubio would work under the salary cap rules to get Wade. And, if they do that trade, that still leaves them enough to sign Bosh. So Bosh, Love, Wade, Flynn, and Evan Turner after he slips to #4. Sounds about right.
3. Matt Wieters. Good god this is some kind of world-record slump. But do you remember when Jesus was in that slump and ended up getting crucified for it? And then three days later he smashed through that rock and flew up to heaven? Expect Wieters to be rebirthed in three days. Wednesday versus C.C. Sabathia. Make your time.
4. Denard Span. Since we are talking world record slumps, how can I leave out Spansy? He tripled on Sunday, which was his first hit in June, and his 1-5 on the day was a huge improvement over the 1-20 he had put up so far in the week. Span's average has now dipped down to .266, but because he has such a good command of the strike zone and such good plate patience, even when he's slumping with the bat he's still valuable because he gets on base due to walks. Of course, with the injuries piling up to the point where Matt Tolbert and Brendan Harris are now considered regualrs, Span's bat is sorely needed. Also, why did Brendan Harris play first base with Morneau out? Are we serious here that Jim Thome is really too old and too slow that he can't fill in in an emergency? With nearly ever big bat out of the lineup for various reasons it would have been a pretty good idea to get Thome in there. Either he's become completely immobile or Gardy is an idiot. I know which way I'm leaning.
5. Nick Blackburn. Staying with your precious Twinkies, Blackburn really stayed hot, didn't he? After a May in which he posted a 2.65 ERA and looked like he could be half as good as Dawger thinks he is, he came crashing back hard this week, going 0-2 and lasting a total of just six and a third innings, givng up 20 hits (yes, 20) and 10 runs while striking out zero. Yes, zero. See, here's the problem with Blackburn - if he's not hitting his exact spots, he gets destroyed because he doesn't have good stuff. He has good control and good sinker which can be a great weapon when he can keep it down and move it in and out, but if he's not he can't get away with just throwing. When opponents swing at his pitches they swing and miss only 5.6% of the time - lowest in the majors - so he needs the ground balls. Obviously, this week he couldn't hit the corners and didn't keep the ball down, and he got knocked all over the yard. This is exhibit A through exhibit Z of while he'll never be a top-line pitcher, and will always be mid to end of the rotation type. I still like him and all, but there are going to be plenty more games like this in his future. Zero margin for error.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Random Thoughts while watching the Twins
I once again have the opportunity to watch an entire Twins game with sound, and once again am going to take advantage while blogging whilst watching. I won't be doing a live blog, since those seem to always end up boring lately and it's hard to get excited about the Mariners, but I'm sure some game or announcer related things will sneak in here. I don't know. I don't know if there's time. I gotta go to Home Depot later.
- First, it seems pitching a perfect game has become easier than your sister after a couple glasses of Boone's Farm. On the heels of Dallas Braden and Roy Halladay's perfectos, Armando Galarraga pitched 8 and 2/3 perfect innings before having it broken up by an infield it, and according the radio the guy was only safe thanks to a bad call by the umpire (I haven't seen the replay, but I'll assume the umpire was probably racist). And the list of guys with perfect games is so weird. Out of the 20 perfect games, you have some that don't surprise you. The Hall of Famers: Sandy Koufax, Cy Young, Addie Joss, Jim Bunning, and Catfish Hunter and soon to be Hall of Famers: Randy Johnson and Roy Halladay (if he can keep it up). Then there are guys with electric stuff you don't really surprise you: David Cone, Dennis Martinez, and even Mike Witt - the fact that they were unhittable for one day isn't a huge shock.
But then the rest of these guys. Throw out Charlie Robertson because I've never heard of him and the two guys who did it in 1880 because the rules were all kinds of fucked up then, but Len Barker? He only won double-digit games twice and never posted an ERA under 4.80. Don Larsen? You would never had heard of him if he didn't toss that perfect game in the World Series. He never won more than 11 games in a season, and spent most of his career as a reliever.
The weirdest part is the sheer amount of soft-tossing lefties who achieved perfection: David Wells, Tom Browning, Dallas Braden, Kenny Rogers, and Mark Buehrle. That's as many nancy-boy southpaws who have done it as Hall of Famers. It's just so weird. I'm not taking anything away from the achievement, any way you look at it, it's still only been accomplished 20 times, but the list is mind-boggling. Apparently Brian Duensing is more likely to toss a perfecto than Felix Hernandez. So weird.
- I just saw the replay. That was a bad call. I was also just reminded that Griffey Junior announced his retirement today. Man was that guy good. And since I am pretty sure he was never using anything performance enhancing (other than Mr. Burns' Nerve Tonic, which is not on the banned list) I can't help but wonder what would have happened if he had gone on the Barry Bonds diet.
Griffey played until about 30 years old before he started getting injured all the frickin' time. At that point, he had hit 438 home runs with a batting line of .296/.380/.568, giving him an OPS+ of 147 in 7,319 plate appearances. At age 30, Bonds had hit 292 homers with a line of .286/.398/.541 for an OPS+ of 158 in 6,038 plate appearances. Pretty close to equal. So let's say Griffey stays mostly healthy and got as many at-bats as Bonds after age 30, and hit home runs at his same pace. He would have ended up with 831 career HRs. And if he hit the Balco diet and hit them at the rate Bonds did after age 30, he would have ended up with 908.
I know it's a pretty useless exercise and uses a ridiculous amount of assumptions and conjecture, but still kind of fun to look at. One thing is clear: Griffey should have used the roids. Burnsie's Tonic just couldn't quite cut it.
- Matt Tolbert somehow got a hit. Dick: "The Twins have some speed on the bases." No, he's white and "gritty" and "scrappy." That doesn't make him fast. And he promptly tries to steal and gets thrown out by 8 feet. Beautiful. Gardy's fascination with that guy might be the worst part of him as a manager, and that's saying alot.
- Now Punto walks, and Dick wants him to steal too. What's this guy's fascination with stealing? He would have thrived down in New Orleans after Katrina.
- Milton Bradley just stole third without a throw thanks to Kevin Slowey paying zero attention to him. That's your go ahead run with only one out in a 0-0 game here in the bottom of the fifth. I know Milton Bradley's crazy. Like Carl Everett crazy, but I love his game. I bet you didn't even know that in 2008 he led the league in OBP and OPS, and that he's broken a .400 on base percentage three times. But he doesn't steal a ton of bases (career high of 17, hasn't hit double digits since 2007, and the two he stole in this inning just tripled his season total) so nobody cares that he gets on base all the time. He's like the anti-Vince Coleman, but you probably like Coleman better because you're a moron. Thanks for ruining baseball.
- Oh, and he scored on a sac fly, so his heads up steal of third probably just won the game for the Mariners - who, I'll remind you, I claimed were a sleeper World Series contender. I'm so dumb.
- Since the M's are basically out of it already, I wonder when they'll deal Cliff Lee. He's on the hook for $9 million this year, but he's a free agent after this season. If the Twins tried to acquire him (LOL) I'd assume they wouldn't be looking to add payroll in the amount and length he'd be asking for, so it would have to be a half-year rental sort of deal. Which I would be fine with, depending on what they are asking for. I'm not sure what exactly I'd be willing to give up - haven't really thought about it - and I'm sure somebody else would be willing to offer him more + a contract (I'd bet he ends up a Met), so it's really just a pipe dream, but since they won't end up making a big trade deadline deal, pipe dreams is all I got.
- They just showed the Galarraga replay again, and man, I don't like the guy or anything but that really sucks for him. Maybe even worse, apparently the umpire admitted after the game that he blew it. I'm sure that makes Galarraga feel a lot better. Ugh. Just a terrible situation. And if Miguel Cabrera isn't a terrible terrible terrible fielder and let's the second basemen get that, we aren't even discussing it and are instead trying to figure out why there are so many perfect games this year. He was probably drunk.
- By the way, I just want you all to know that Matt Wieters fucking sucks. It's like he's purposefully going out of his way to intentionally hurt me. I'm shifting all my love to Stephen Strasburg, who, by the way, will be making his first big league start June 8th, which is only six days away. I will be flying out to Washington for the occasion.*
- It's still 1-0 Mariners and we're now in the 7th. The good news is if they can get Lee out of the game (doubtful) Seattle's closer is David Aardsma, who in no way should be a closer and is the kind of closer you can rally against in the ninth. Just like Jon Rauch. :sadface:
- Cuddyer dinger. Tie game. Suck it, Cliff Lee. And Snacks. I know you hate the guy with everything you have, but I can't enable this anymore. There's no reason to hate him, guy can mash. Sure, he chases the slider down and away all the time, but it's small price to pay for the power he brings.
- Oh hell yes. Cuddy is leaving the team for bereavement because his father-in-law died (that's not the hell yes part) and Danny Valencia will be called up. Thank god we finally get to see this guy play. I'm sick of hearing about him without seeing him. And what happened to Luke Hughes? And Trevor Plouffe? Why do they keep recycling Tolbert and Casilla instead of giving one of these guys an extended look? And just cut Harris. Oh wait, you geniuses signed him for two years even though you only had to sign him for one. For such a successful and well run organization sometimes these guys are dumb as shit.
- Valencia's stats at AAA this year: .298/.350/.380 with no homers and 34-13 BB/K ratio. I could not be less excited. Sounds like another slapper. It's almost like they draft these kind of guys on purpose. Seriously, the draft is in like a week and I expect them to go off the board and get a guy whose bio reads:
PROS: Scrappy. Tough. Gritty. Hustles. Dives a lot. Slides into first to show his hustle despite all the evidence that it's a dumb play. Can play multiple positions. Regularly invites teammates over for a barbecue.
CONS: Can't hit. No idea of the strike zone. Gets an extra-base hit once a month. Makes terrible base-running decisions. Is either short and white or short and ethnic. Definitely short. Is a "Gardy" kind of guy.
- Slowey lets the first two batters get hits in the seventh, but gets out of it with a double play (started by Tolbert!) and a pop-up. We got a ballgame here folks.
- Apparently they've given up. Leading off the 8th, Punto attempted to bunt and ended up striking out and then Span did bunt and was thrown out by Lee on a pretty nice play. I guess they've decided they can't hit him. If only it was Aardsma out there.
- I've come around on the Celtics/Lakers final. I'm pretty fired up for it. Definitely rooting Celtics here. Even though I hate all Red Sox fans and most Patriot fans (but definitely all Red Sox fans), I have no problem with the Celtics. I grew up a Laker fan because I hearted Magic Johnson and hated the Celtics and Bird because I had to, as I've gotten older I appreciate the Celtics more and more, and I'm rooting for them because I hate Kobe and still love KG and definitely love Ray Allen. I've also learned to appreciate Michael Jordan. I hated that guy and considered him nothing more than a high-scoring ball hog who managed to win. But after watching a new generation of ball hogs who suck (I'm looking at you Tracy McGrady) I have to give Jordan some props. He's still just the fifth best player ever, but that's higher than I used to have him.
- I think Jesse Crain has a new curveball. That thing is pretty nasty. No way he had that pitch before, I would have noticed. And he put Seattle down 1-2-3 in the 8th. Pretty sure that's never happened before.
- Sweet! Aardsma is in to face Mauer/Morneau/Cuddy in the ninth. This probably will end up not even being a save situation for Rauch.
- Four pitch walk to Mauer. Looking like a Morneau 2-run dinger here.
- Or a wild pitch and a Morneau ground out to move him to third (look at that Twins baseball! Giving up his at-bat to move a runner up!) So now we have go-ahead run on third with one out for Cuddy.
- And he hits the ball as hard as you can, but right at the shortstop who is playing in. So it's up to Kubel. All he does is win games. Or strikeout. Also a big fan of the pop-up.
- Fly out. Shit. And apparently this has turned into a live blog of the game.
- Guerrier goes 1-2-3 in the bottom of the ninth. And I am getting way tired. Stupid west coast. And I hate traveling out there, every single sporting event is done by 8pm. When you're out there alone and have nothing better to do than sit in a hotel bar and watch sports, that really puts a bit of a damper on things.
- Twins lose. Excellent base-running by the Mariner guy. I'd write more on that play but I'm really tired. Suffice it to say, that call to ruin the Big Cat's perfect game wasn't the only bad call tonight.
* = No, I'm not.
- First, it seems pitching a perfect game has become easier than your sister after a couple glasses of Boone's Farm. On the heels of Dallas Braden and Roy Halladay's perfectos, Armando Galarraga pitched 8 and 2/3 perfect innings before having it broken up by an infield it, and according the radio the guy was only safe thanks to a bad call by the umpire (I haven't seen the replay, but I'll assume the umpire was probably racist). And the list of guys with perfect games is so weird. Out of the 20 perfect games, you have some that don't surprise you. The Hall of Famers: Sandy Koufax, Cy Young, Addie Joss, Jim Bunning, and Catfish Hunter and soon to be Hall of Famers: Randy Johnson and Roy Halladay (if he can keep it up). Then there are guys with electric stuff you don't really surprise you: David Cone, Dennis Martinez, and even Mike Witt - the fact that they were unhittable for one day isn't a huge shock.
But then the rest of these guys. Throw out Charlie Robertson because I've never heard of him and the two guys who did it in 1880 because the rules were all kinds of fucked up then, but Len Barker? He only won double-digit games twice and never posted an ERA under 4.80. Don Larsen? You would never had heard of him if he didn't toss that perfect game in the World Series. He never won more than 11 games in a season, and spent most of his career as a reliever.
The weirdest part is the sheer amount of soft-tossing lefties who achieved perfection: David Wells, Tom Browning, Dallas Braden, Kenny Rogers, and Mark Buehrle. That's as many nancy-boy southpaws who have done it as Hall of Famers. It's just so weird. I'm not taking anything away from the achievement, any way you look at it, it's still only been accomplished 20 times, but the list is mind-boggling. Apparently Brian Duensing is more likely to toss a perfecto than Felix Hernandez. So weird.
- I just saw the replay. That was a bad call. I was also just reminded that Griffey Junior announced his retirement today. Man was that guy good. And since I am pretty sure he was never using anything performance enhancing (other than Mr. Burns' Nerve Tonic, which is not on the banned list) I can't help but wonder what would have happened if he had gone on the Barry Bonds diet.
Griffey played until about 30 years old before he started getting injured all the frickin' time. At that point, he had hit 438 home runs with a batting line of .296/.380/.568, giving him an OPS+ of 147 in 7,319 plate appearances. At age 30, Bonds had hit 292 homers with a line of .286/.398/.541 for an OPS+ of 158 in 6,038 plate appearances. Pretty close to equal. So let's say Griffey stays mostly healthy and got as many at-bats as Bonds after age 30, and hit home runs at his same pace. He would have ended up with 831 career HRs. And if he hit the Balco diet and hit them at the rate Bonds did after age 30, he would have ended up with 908.
I know it's a pretty useless exercise and uses a ridiculous amount of assumptions and conjecture, but still kind of fun to look at. One thing is clear: Griffey should have used the roids. Burnsie's Tonic just couldn't quite cut it.
- Matt Tolbert somehow got a hit. Dick: "The Twins have some speed on the bases." No, he's white and "gritty" and "scrappy." That doesn't make him fast. And he promptly tries to steal and gets thrown out by 8 feet. Beautiful. Gardy's fascination with that guy might be the worst part of him as a manager, and that's saying alot.
- Now Punto walks, and Dick wants him to steal too. What's this guy's fascination with stealing? He would have thrived down in New Orleans after Katrina.
- Milton Bradley just stole third without a throw thanks to Kevin Slowey paying zero attention to him. That's your go ahead run with only one out in a 0-0 game here in the bottom of the fifth. I know Milton Bradley's crazy. Like Carl Everett crazy, but I love his game. I bet you didn't even know that in 2008 he led the league in OBP and OPS, and that he's broken a .400 on base percentage three times. But he doesn't steal a ton of bases (career high of 17, hasn't hit double digits since 2007, and the two he stole in this inning just tripled his season total) so nobody cares that he gets on base all the time. He's like the anti-Vince Coleman, but you probably like Coleman better because you're a moron. Thanks for ruining baseball.
- Oh, and he scored on a sac fly, so his heads up steal of third probably just won the game for the Mariners - who, I'll remind you, I claimed were a sleeper World Series contender. I'm so dumb.
- Since the M's are basically out of it already, I wonder when they'll deal Cliff Lee. He's on the hook for $9 million this year, but he's a free agent after this season. If the Twins tried to acquire him (LOL) I'd assume they wouldn't be looking to add payroll in the amount and length he'd be asking for, so it would have to be a half-year rental sort of deal. Which I would be fine with, depending on what they are asking for. I'm not sure what exactly I'd be willing to give up - haven't really thought about it - and I'm sure somebody else would be willing to offer him more + a contract (I'd bet he ends up a Met), so it's really just a pipe dream, but since they won't end up making a big trade deadline deal, pipe dreams is all I got.
- They just showed the Galarraga replay again, and man, I don't like the guy or anything but that really sucks for him. Maybe even worse, apparently the umpire admitted after the game that he blew it. I'm sure that makes Galarraga feel a lot better. Ugh. Just a terrible situation. And if Miguel Cabrera isn't a terrible terrible terrible fielder and let's the second basemen get that, we aren't even discussing it and are instead trying to figure out why there are so many perfect games this year. He was probably drunk.
- By the way, I just want you all to know that Matt Wieters fucking sucks. It's like he's purposefully going out of his way to intentionally hurt me. I'm shifting all my love to Stephen Strasburg, who, by the way, will be making his first big league start June 8th, which is only six days away. I will be flying out to Washington for the occasion.*
- It's still 1-0 Mariners and we're now in the 7th. The good news is if they can get Lee out of the game (doubtful) Seattle's closer is David Aardsma, who in no way should be a closer and is the kind of closer you can rally against in the ninth. Just like Jon Rauch. :sadface:
- Cuddyer dinger. Tie game. Suck it, Cliff Lee. And Snacks. I know you hate the guy with everything you have, but I can't enable this anymore. There's no reason to hate him, guy can mash. Sure, he chases the slider down and away all the time, but it's small price to pay for the power he brings.
- Oh hell yes. Cuddy is leaving the team for bereavement because his father-in-law died (that's not the hell yes part) and Danny Valencia will be called up. Thank god we finally get to see this guy play. I'm sick of hearing about him without seeing him. And what happened to Luke Hughes? And Trevor Plouffe? Why do they keep recycling Tolbert and Casilla instead of giving one of these guys an extended look? And just cut Harris. Oh wait, you geniuses signed him for two years even though you only had to sign him for one. For such a successful and well run organization sometimes these guys are dumb as shit.
- Valencia's stats at AAA this year: .298/.350/.380 with no homers and 34-13 BB/K ratio. I could not be less excited. Sounds like another slapper. It's almost like they draft these kind of guys on purpose. Seriously, the draft is in like a week and I expect them to go off the board and get a guy whose bio reads:
PROS: Scrappy. Tough. Gritty. Hustles. Dives a lot. Slides into first to show his hustle despite all the evidence that it's a dumb play. Can play multiple positions. Regularly invites teammates over for a barbecue.
CONS: Can't hit. No idea of the strike zone. Gets an extra-base hit once a month. Makes terrible base-running decisions. Is either short and white or short and ethnic. Definitely short. Is a "Gardy" kind of guy.
- Slowey lets the first two batters get hits in the seventh, but gets out of it with a double play (started by Tolbert!) and a pop-up. We got a ballgame here folks.
- Apparently they've given up. Leading off the 8th, Punto attempted to bunt and ended up striking out and then Span did bunt and was thrown out by Lee on a pretty nice play. I guess they've decided they can't hit him. If only it was Aardsma out there.
- I've come around on the Celtics/Lakers final. I'm pretty fired up for it. Definitely rooting Celtics here. Even though I hate all Red Sox fans and most Patriot fans (but definitely all Red Sox fans), I have no problem with the Celtics. I grew up a Laker fan because I hearted Magic Johnson and hated the Celtics and Bird because I had to, as I've gotten older I appreciate the Celtics more and more, and I'm rooting for them because I hate Kobe and still love KG and definitely love Ray Allen. I've also learned to appreciate Michael Jordan. I hated that guy and considered him nothing more than a high-scoring ball hog who managed to win. But after watching a new generation of ball hogs who suck (I'm looking at you Tracy McGrady) I have to give Jordan some props. He's still just the fifth best player ever, but that's higher than I used to have him.
- I think Jesse Crain has a new curveball. That thing is pretty nasty. No way he had that pitch before, I would have noticed. And he put Seattle down 1-2-3 in the 8th. Pretty sure that's never happened before.
- Sweet! Aardsma is in to face Mauer/Morneau/Cuddy in the ninth. This probably will end up not even being a save situation for Rauch.
- Four pitch walk to Mauer. Looking like a Morneau 2-run dinger here.
- Or a wild pitch and a Morneau ground out to move him to third (look at that Twins baseball! Giving up his at-bat to move a runner up!) So now we have go-ahead run on third with one out for Cuddy.
- And he hits the ball as hard as you can, but right at the shortstop who is playing in. So it's up to Kubel. All he does is win games. Or strikeout. Also a big fan of the pop-up.
- Fly out. Shit. And apparently this has turned into a live blog of the game.
- Guerrier goes 1-2-3 in the bottom of the ninth. And I am getting way tired. Stupid west coast. And I hate traveling out there, every single sporting event is done by 8pm. When you're out there alone and have nothing better to do than sit in a hotel bar and watch sports, that really puts a bit of a damper on things.
- Twins lose. Excellent base-running by the Mariner guy. I'd write more on that play but I'm really tired. Suffice it to say, that call to ruin the Big Cat's perfect game wasn't the only bad call tonight.
* = No, I'm not.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Random Thoughts whilst watching the Twins game
- Hey Punto, when you end up on the ground after throwing the ball all the way from the infield grass over to first base you don't look like a gritty hustler, you look like a moron.
- Text from Snacks at the game: "I'm actually watching Matt Wieters in person. He looks 10 feet tall." Seems low.
- Hey Bert, when Miguel Tejada slides into first base on a close play on a grounder, you shouldn't laud him for being a great leader for a young team at age 35. First, he's from Latin America which means he's probably closer to 40, and second, sliding into first is literally one of the dumbest things you can do on a baseball field. For an ex-player you are insanely dumb.
- You know what makes me feel really grown up and classy? The fact that I'm sitting here drinking Captain Cokes. After this maybe I'll just wash it down with some Coors Lights from the fridge. I can't decide if I feel more college or more trailer.
- Do you realize that both Ron Coomer and Dan Gladden are affiliated with the Twins in some sort of broadcast capacity? Don't you want to look for maybe more, I don't know, cerebral ex-players to fill these roles? I get Bert, because he's very friendly and personable in both real life and on the broadcast, so his dumb little things he says are almost endearing, but Coomer and Gladden drive me crazy. Especially Gladden. The Dazzle Man? The Dazzle Man? Dear god, why?
- So apparently on the broadcasts now they do a "Legendary Performance on this date in Twins' history" thing. Tonight's was from 2008, when Joe Mauer doubled in the top of the ninth to break up Gavin Floyd's no-hitter - a game the Sox won 7-1. Seriously? That's the best thing you could find on this date in Twins' history? Something that the White Sox could use as a legendary performance on this date in their history? Or is this just a Joe Mauer thing? Like, every day they have to say something Mauer did once? So maybe tomorrow it could be "On this date in 2007 Joe Mauer actually played catcher in a day game following a night game." Awesome.
- I somehow missed Wieters second at-bat. How is he 0-2? Is Carl Pavano now Warren Spahn? What's happening here?
- Kubel almost got a hit! That would have made him 2-2! Yep, facing Brad Bergeson cures all.
- Did you know Alexi Casilla has stole 29 bases out of 32 attempts in his career? That's incredible. And just now FSN flashed that same stat up, thus meaning I wasted my time looking it up on my own. Thanks, dicks.
- Even with that success rate, however, in the five pitches they threw Punto (which ended in him, yes, sliding headfirst into first base) they didn't send him. Know why? Wieters.
- Don't you find it awfully fishy that Dick and Bert get the daily trivia question right like, 99% of the time? I'm pretty sure if you came up to them on the street and asked who was the all-time leader in home runs they wouldn't be able to get it, yet they just nailed all four Oriole managers since Ron Gardenhire took over. Suspicious.
- Bert now whining about how so many players who have hit more HRs than Harmon Killebrew are "tainted." Then he said Jim Thome "has no taint." I'll leave that one alone.
- Wieters with a great at-bat, falling behind 0-2 and then fighting back to work a walk. Guy is just solid. Like Jesus. Just a solid dude.
- Brad Bergeson entered tonight's game with an ERA of 10.57 and a WHIP of 2.22 over 5 starts. He hadn't even made it to the sixth at any point this season, and got ripped by teams like Seattle and Toronto. He was so bad he was sent to triple-A at one point this year. He is so bad, I just realized I've been spelling his name wrong this whole time. And yet, he's now shut the Twins out through six and allowed just five hits. Jesus, talk about an emotional hangover after sweeping Detroit.
- The Twins trying to hit Bergeson is like Audrina trying to look like less than a perfect 10. Futile.
- Well, they finally chased Bergeson, and we now have two on and two out in a 2-0 game with Morneau up facing some fat lefty they just brought in. Since Morneau is on my fantasy team, I'm going to predict a weak ground-out.
- Well, he got him 0-2 and then walked him. You might say that Morneau is very Wieters-like in his ability to work the count.
- And Thome strikes out with the bases loaded, still 2-0 Orioles. They should have signed Jermaine Dye instead.
- This is a really impressive outing for Pavano. 8 ips, 6 hits, 8 Ks. Other than that home run to Wiggington he's been basically flawless. On a related note, did you know Wigginton has 10 home runs this year? How can that even be possible? His career high is 24, and now he's on pace to hit 50. Probably a roids guy. Also, did you know he finished 8th in the rookie of the year voting in 2003? You probably didn't. That's why I'm here. I'm an educator. You're welcome.
- Funny story. You know that MacGruber movie that's coming out that is based on those terrible SNL sketches and seems like the worst thing you've ever heard of and how could anybody be dumb enough to make that movie? Yeah, it's currently at 100% at Rotten Tomatoes. It's only 7 reviews so far, but every single one has been positive. I have no idea how this can be. I'm flummoxed. Also flummoxing is Jason Kubel's sudden inability to hit.
- Text from Grand Slam: "Is Tejada a Hall-of-Famer?" My gut says no, so I decided to check out his actual numbers to be more accurate. According to the Black Ink and Grey Ink tests on baseball reference (these evaluate a player based on leading the league in things or top 5) he's not even close, but according to Bill James' HOF Monitor test, which awards points for hitting over .300 or 30 home run season and such, he should be. Looking at his career, he has had some seriously monster seasons (including a 150 rbi year) and has gotten an MVP vote in 8 different seasons, including winning one in 2002 (not even his 150 rbi year). Being an offensive force at a position like SS definitely helps his cause. He's third all-time in HRs by a SS and 6th in RBI. I don't think he's got enough to get in, but he'll be an interesting case.
- Alfredo Simon in to get the save, and lucky for him he gets to start with Casilla and Punto. This guy is super hittable/walkable. If I were the Twins I'd make sure to come back and win this game. You just can't lose to the O's.
- Ground out, Ground out, Ground out. Game over, and the Orioles have shut out your precious Twins.
Season over.
- God the NBA is boring. Or at least this Orlando/Atlanta series is.
- Jamarcus Russell was straight up cut by Oakland? Man, I don't use this often because it's stupid but L.O.L. I did hear a story on the radio today about how coaches always prepare a DVD of the game plan for the next game and give it to the QBs to study, and the Oakland coaches suspected that Russell wasn't watching it. So one week they gave him a blank DVD, and then asked him what he thought of it and his answer was "it looks pretty good." Seriously though, if he didn't blow through his money like a typical athlete, he's set. He got $31.5 million in guaranteed money, so if he just lived even remotely frugally he'd be set for life and he would have hardly ever gotten tackled. He could just chill for the rest of his life and never have to work again. Of course, I'm going to assume he owns like 8 cars and has 6 kids and is probably already close to broke and we'll hear about him robbing a liquor store in three years, but I'm a stereotyper like that.
- I just read that Russell's cousin is Marshawn Lynch. Wow. That family really has their shit together.
- Also, he was actually better than both Ryan Leaf, and Akili Smith. God there have been some really bad quarterbacks (Spergon Wynn). And this is also a super boring conversation so I'm just going to stop now.
- Before I go, I want to let you know that Justin Smoak went yard again today. ROY (unless they give it to Wieters, even though it's his second year).
- Jenna Fischer is still hot.
- Text from Snacks at the game: "I'm actually watching Matt Wieters in person. He looks 10 feet tall." Seems low.
- Hey Bert, when Miguel Tejada slides into first base on a close play on a grounder, you shouldn't laud him for being a great leader for a young team at age 35. First, he's from Latin America which means he's probably closer to 40, and second, sliding into first is literally one of the dumbest things you can do on a baseball field. For an ex-player you are insanely dumb.
- You know what makes me feel really grown up and classy? The fact that I'm sitting here drinking Captain Cokes. After this maybe I'll just wash it down with some Coors Lights from the fridge. I can't decide if I feel more college or more trailer.
- Do you realize that both Ron Coomer and Dan Gladden are affiliated with the Twins in some sort of broadcast capacity? Don't you want to look for maybe more, I don't know, cerebral ex-players to fill these roles? I get Bert, because he's very friendly and personable in both real life and on the broadcast, so his dumb little things he says are almost endearing, but Coomer and Gladden drive me crazy. Especially Gladden. The Dazzle Man? The Dazzle Man? Dear god, why?
- So apparently on the broadcasts now they do a "Legendary Performance on this date in Twins' history" thing. Tonight's was from 2008, when Joe Mauer doubled in the top of the ninth to break up Gavin Floyd's no-hitter - a game the Sox won 7-1. Seriously? That's the best thing you could find on this date in Twins' history? Something that the White Sox could use as a legendary performance on this date in their history? Or is this just a Joe Mauer thing? Like, every day they have to say something Mauer did once? So maybe tomorrow it could be "On this date in 2007 Joe Mauer actually played catcher in a day game following a night game." Awesome.
- I somehow missed Wieters second at-bat. How is he 0-2? Is Carl Pavano now Warren Spahn? What's happening here?
- Kubel almost got a hit! That would have made him 2-2! Yep, facing Brad Bergeson cures all.
- Did you know Alexi Casilla has stole 29 bases out of 32 attempts in his career? That's incredible. And just now FSN flashed that same stat up, thus meaning I wasted my time looking it up on my own. Thanks, dicks.
- Even with that success rate, however, in the five pitches they threw Punto (which ended in him, yes, sliding headfirst into first base) they didn't send him. Know why? Wieters.
- Don't you find it awfully fishy that Dick and Bert get the daily trivia question right like, 99% of the time? I'm pretty sure if you came up to them on the street and asked who was the all-time leader in home runs they wouldn't be able to get it, yet they just nailed all four Oriole managers since Ron Gardenhire took over. Suspicious.
- Bert now whining about how so many players who have hit more HRs than Harmon Killebrew are "tainted." Then he said Jim Thome "has no taint." I'll leave that one alone.
- Wieters with a great at-bat, falling behind 0-2 and then fighting back to work a walk. Guy is just solid. Like Jesus. Just a solid dude.
- Brad Bergeson entered tonight's game with an ERA of 10.57 and a WHIP of 2.22 over 5 starts. He hadn't even made it to the sixth at any point this season, and got ripped by teams like Seattle and Toronto. He was so bad he was sent to triple-A at one point this year. He is so bad, I just realized I've been spelling his name wrong this whole time. And yet, he's now shut the Twins out through six and allowed just five hits. Jesus, talk about an emotional hangover after sweeping Detroit.
- The Twins trying to hit Bergeson is like Audrina trying to look like less than a perfect 10. Futile.
- Well, they finally chased Bergeson, and we now have two on and two out in a 2-0 game with Morneau up facing some fat lefty they just brought in. Since Morneau is on my fantasy team, I'm going to predict a weak ground-out.
- Well, he got him 0-2 and then walked him. You might say that Morneau is very Wieters-like in his ability to work the count.
- And Thome strikes out with the bases loaded, still 2-0 Orioles. They should have signed Jermaine Dye instead.
- This is a really impressive outing for Pavano. 8 ips, 6 hits, 8 Ks. Other than that home run to Wiggington he's been basically flawless. On a related note, did you know Wigginton has 10 home runs this year? How can that even be possible? His career high is 24, and now he's on pace to hit 50. Probably a roids guy. Also, did you know he finished 8th in the rookie of the year voting in 2003? You probably didn't. That's why I'm here. I'm an educator. You're welcome.
- Funny story. You know that MacGruber movie that's coming out that is based on those terrible SNL sketches and seems like the worst thing you've ever heard of and how could anybody be dumb enough to make that movie? Yeah, it's currently at 100% at Rotten Tomatoes. It's only 7 reviews so far, but every single one has been positive. I have no idea how this can be. I'm flummoxed. Also flummoxing is Jason Kubel's sudden inability to hit.
- Text from Grand Slam: "Is Tejada a Hall-of-Famer?" My gut says no, so I decided to check out his actual numbers to be more accurate. According to the Black Ink and Grey Ink tests on baseball reference (these evaluate a player based on leading the league in things or top 5) he's not even close, but according to Bill James' HOF Monitor test, which awards points for hitting over .300 or 30 home run season and such, he should be. Looking at his career, he has had some seriously monster seasons (including a 150 rbi year) and has gotten an MVP vote in 8 different seasons, including winning one in 2002 (not even his 150 rbi year). Being an offensive force at a position like SS definitely helps his cause. He's third all-time in HRs by a SS and 6th in RBI. I don't think he's got enough to get in, but he'll be an interesting case.
- Alfredo Simon in to get the save, and lucky for him he gets to start with Casilla and Punto. This guy is super hittable/walkable. If I were the Twins I'd make sure to come back and win this game. You just can't lose to the O's.
- Ground out, Ground out, Ground out. Game over, and the Orioles have shut out your precious Twins.
Season over.
- God the NBA is boring. Or at least this Orlando/Atlanta series is.
- Jamarcus Russell was straight up cut by Oakland? Man, I don't use this often because it's stupid but L.O.L. I did hear a story on the radio today about how coaches always prepare a DVD of the game plan for the next game and give it to the QBs to study, and the Oakland coaches suspected that Russell wasn't watching it. So one week they gave him a blank DVD, and then asked him what he thought of it and his answer was "it looks pretty good." Seriously though, if he didn't blow through his money like a typical athlete, he's set. He got $31.5 million in guaranteed money, so if he just lived even remotely frugally he'd be set for life and he would have hardly ever gotten tackled. He could just chill for the rest of his life and never have to work again. Of course, I'm going to assume he owns like 8 cars and has 6 kids and is probably already close to broke and we'll hear about him robbing a liquor store in three years, but I'm a stereotyper like that.
- I just read that Russell's cousin is Marshawn Lynch. Wow. That family really has their shit together.
- Also, he was actually better than both Ryan Leaf, and Akili Smith. God there have been some really bad quarterbacks (Spergon Wynn). And this is also a super boring conversation so I'm just going to stop now.
- Before I go, I want to let you know that Justin Smoak went yard again today. ROY (unless they give it to Wieters, even though it's his second year).
- Jenna Fischer is still hot.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I Think We're Alone Now (Live Movie Blog)
Alright, it's time. I know I haven't done a live movie blog in a while, and I figure it's time to break it out again. I'm sitting here with some Red Stripe and looking for something to watch and it's time to break out the big gun. Yep, we're going with "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus." I've been sitting on this since I Tivo'd it in January because the title is just too perfect and I'm afraid I'm going to be let down. Then again, with a title like that it might also be the type of flick that doesn't take itself seriously, and that would suck too. I don't want to rip on self-aware crap movies, I want ones that actually think they're good. Let's find out what we have here together.
- Looks like we're getting started in the great frozen north which is where I'm guessing someone is going to thaw out a giant prehistoric shark. But more importantly, the opening credits inform me that our leads are Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Also yes, that Lorenzo Lamas, but you probably knew that part.
- They just showed a giant sheath of ice sliding off a glacial wall, which basically guarantees that they are going to end up blaming global warming in some way for this. Great. Nothing like getting a political statement from a crappy B movie, especially considering the science they usually use in these is less accurate than your average Delmon Young throw to the plate.
- On on mother effing cue, they show us a school of Hammerheads allegedly swimming around in Alaskan waters. God damn it, people. Hammerheads are tropical. I'm almost positive they only shark you'd find in Alaskan waters is the Greenland Shark. Why not just show some Greenland sharks? Lazy stupid morons. At least attempt to get it right. I know I'm a nerd, but even a minimum amount of research would tell you that you would never, ever, ever find a hammerhead anywhere near Alaska. It just makes me so mad.
- We're two minutes in. Two minutes. And now they show us reef sharks and manta rays. In Alaska. Frozen Alaskan waters. Reef sharks, manta rays, and hammerheads. How about you just toss in a tropical coral reef or the Loch Ness monster. At this point you've already destroyed your credibility. This is almost as bad as that goblin shark movie.
- Huh, Debbie Gibson is actually a halfway decent actress. She doesn't have much to work with here already. For example, some army guy dropped some kind of sonar bomb into the alaskan ocean and it's forcing this bunch of whales to start ramming glaciers. Uh oh and oh noes they rammed so much ice so effectively that they freed both a mega-shark and a giant octopus who were frozen in their endless struggle through eternity. I am going to go ahead and assume these are the titular creatures. Heh, titular.
- Oooh, and right away the giant octopus attacks an oil drilling platform and crushes it to death. That is a really, really big octopus. Also to the best of my knowledge no giant octopus like that ever existed. I can't confirm for sure since I'm just a shark nerd and not an octopus nerd, but based on this movie's complete disregard for factual scientific science I'm going to assume they made that all up.
- They just found a dead whale basically bitten in half and the guy who is going to turn out to be the stuffy professor who never believes there's a giant shark says it was killed by a boat propeller. Based on the size of half of the whale, the boat would have had to the size of Rhode Island to have propellers that big. Also, the whole "it wasn't a shark it was a boating accident" thing was already done by Jaws, and every other shark-related movie since. At least be original in your crappiness.
- Debbie Gibson just jedi mind-tricked some security guard so she could get into some random giant tent and examine the dead whale body. Damn what the rules say! She's a rebel. She's also singing to the whale "I Think We're Alone Now."
- Some asian with glasses is yelling at some other asian with a goatee.
- Oh for the love of god. The giant shark just lept out of the ocean to grab and eat a plane. I don't even know where to start with this. First, the plane had just broken cloud cover which means the shark jumped a minimum of 5,000 feet in the air. Second, the shark was at least 5 times longer than the plane, despite the fact that the biggest estimate for a Megalodon would put it at about a quarter of the length of a 747. Finally, why the hell would a just de-frozen shark jump up in the air and grab a plane when it has had no learnings that plane = food. Plus, a shark that size wouldn't be interested in people because sharks need to eat high amounts of fat from like whales and seals and stuff, and I am pretty sure metal isn't high in fat content.
- I take it back. Debbie Gibson is not a good actress. She should stick to posing in playboy. Google is your friend.
- Now the asian guy with glasses is meeting with Debbie and her mentor science guy who is being played by a guy who reminds me of the guy from Cocktail and has the same accent. Remember in that movie when Elisabeth Shue took her top off? She was awesome.
- So Asian guy thinks the thing killing stuff is an Octopus, while Debbie and Cocktail guy think it's a shark. OMG THEY'RE BOTH RIGHT! TWO PRESHISTORIC CREATURES UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY!!
- I was going to write about something else that just happened but then, just now as predicted, Debbie gives us this "The Polar Ice Caps are melting so rapidly, maybe this is our comeuppance." THANK YOU MOVIE! I WILL NOW REPENT MY LIFE AND BUY AN ELECTRIC SCOOTER AND COOK MEALS OVER AN OPEN FLAME! YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE!
- This is a really god-damned stupid movie.
- The shark just killed a navy battle ship, but they couldn't be bothered to show anything to us because they're stupid and cheap. Instead it would show the shark swimming, kind of, in some of the worst CGI I've ever seen (comparable to Etch-A-Sketch) and then cut to some army guys in a room that was shaking. Do that three times, then cut to head army guy yelling "noooooooooooooo" and then fade to black. Thanks a lot. That was super entertaining. I hope Aquaman shows up and kills everybody dead.
- Asian guy with glasses just now compared the two creatures to Hurricane Katrina. I can't decide if that's offensive, and since I'm not affiliated with and really wasn't affected by the hurricane, I'm just going to chalk it up as being unfunny instead. Which once again proves that asians aren't funny.
- Shocking. Military guy wants to destroy the creatures, while the Sciencey people want to study them. Just like every animal destruction movie ever. And did I really say Debbie Gibson was a good actor, earlier? I need to be gut-punched.
- Do you think Wilson Ramos is more like the next Johnny Bench or the next Mickey Cochrane? Nevermind, I'm being silly. He's the next Matt Wieters. Who, by the way, has 3x the home runs of your precious Joe Mauer. Since HRs are the only really viable way to evaluate a hitter, I'd say it's clear Wieters is tops. Other than Ramos.
- Asian guy is now telling some sob story about how he has always wanted to be a marine biologist ever since he saw a dolphin get killed in a net when he was a kid but his family all wanted him to follow in his footsteps. I didn't catch what it was they wanted him to be, but I'm going to assume ping-pong player. And now he's humping Debbie Gibson. Clearly she's pretty easy if that story worked. Eww Debbie.
- Since we're talking about studs, guess how many AL third-basemen have a better batting average than Evan Longoria? Zero. Guess how many have a better OBP. Zero. Guess how many have a better SLG. Zero. Plus, he'll steal your girlfriend. Such a pimp.
- Some fighter guy like Maverick or Goose just got slapped out of the air by an octopus tentacle, which means I guess nobody learned anything from the plane that got eaten by the shark earlier. Also, since I'm sure you want to know how awesome it looked, it was a screen of a plane, then a shot of a tentacle, then the guy inside the plane with red flights flashing and him yelling. Then they cut to the people in the big ship running this whole operation and they were all sad. This movie rocks.
- Nice pony-tail, Lamas.
- I still don't get the switch from Sci Fi Channel to SyFy Channel. I mean, you're basically going to get two reactions - either irritation or indifference, so what's the point? Not really seeing an upside here. This is the worst marketing decision since they eliminated Crystal Pepsi.
- For a movie about a giant shark and a giant octopus (which doesn't and never has existed) there has been a stunning lack of footage of said monsters. And not the good kind of tension building keeping the monster hidden like in Jaws, the bad kind. Like that one time I accidentally watched a male model show - The girls never came! The girls never came!
- They're doing something with pheremones to attract the monsters or something, but for some reason these pheremones are a glowing fluorescent green, like the ooze from TMNT. Oh my god! Maybe it is the ooze, and when the octo and shark meet up and fight they'll break the container and the ooze will spill everywhere and create a giant Shark/Octopus hybrid! That would be the greatest thing ever! Please let this happen. Or at least turn Lamas into some human/shark creature. He'd probably be more articulate.
- I've never watched a movie that utilized shaky camerawork more often. It's worse than the Blair Witch Project. More like if the Blair Witch Project was filmed by Michael J Fox. Or any movie, really.
- Sweet jesus. The shark somehow disappeared from the radar of the navy battleship which is currently attempting to shoot it with torpedos. We've already established this thing is at least 200 feet long. Nice radar. Must be american-made. Oh, there is is. It ate the ship, and then it ate the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm assuming we're not in Alaska anymore, but with the fact-finding and accuracy we've seen in this movie who the hell knows. I'm guessing it'll go after Big Ben next. Not Roethlisberger. He'd probably hump it while it tried to get away.
- The new plan is to drop nukes into San Francisco Bay (the shark) and somewhere in Tokyo that I don't remember (the octopus) in order to "avoid a global catastrophe." I don't even know where to begin.
- Awesome. Now they are going to try to get them to fight and kill each other instead, because "Sharks and Octopi are natural enemies." Good lord. This seriously puts every other one of these movies to shame, even that one with the Baldwin brother. Don't worry, I'll be back with another one after this. I have something called "Mega Piranha" waiting for me. Hard to get a better title than that.
- I'm really sick of fantasy baseball. Our pitchers just keep getting Greinke'd. First off, we have Greinke, who has a 2.27 ERA and zero wins. Then tonight, Cole Hamels goes 8 innings, gives up 1 run, no win. Last night Mike Leake pitched a gem and got nothing. It's not fair. We have the best team by far (Wieters AND Longoria) by are just 2-2 because of cheaters and cheating and bad luck. We should be 5-0, even though it's only been four weeks. Yep, we're that good.
- By the way, I really wanted to like V, but I just couldn't get into it. I feel like I'm insulting my childhood. Then again, a certain recent remake of a certain awesome classic kind of destroyed it already. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate.
- I see Wilson Ramos is 0-3 with a K right now tonight. I know a little bit of regression to the mean is inevitable, but if he doesn't end up hitting at least .500 this year, I think you have to consider his season a failure.
- I'm thinking Gardy should have stuck with his unbreakable routine and brought in Rauch to finish the game. Oops. (I'm getting back to the movie, I swear).
- $20 says this movie ends with another message about the evils of global warming.
- Debbie and Asian guy just had a really touching conversation via video computer phone. He's apparently in Asian now which I guess makes sense, but they're in love or something which doesn't. And their romantic talk involved some quote from my guy Julius Caesar, but it was a pretty gay one. The whole thing was awful. Kind of gave me a hankerin' for watching Anakin and Padme.
- Mmmmmmmmmmmm.....Padme. Remember in the second movie how the somehow manages to rip her shirt just perfectly to get some nice mid-riff action? I couldn't decide if that was awesome or stupid, and I still can't decide. I know I didn't complain though.
- I quite literally have no idea what is going on anymore, but Debbie Gibson just punched some dude out (unfortunately not Lamas. or the Asian guy) and then somebody said "Ice Wall! Right Ahead!" which I think was supposed to be an homage to Titanic. This is pretty surreal. But not in a good way in the least.
- So the Shark and Octopus are fighting, just like in Debbie's master plan (as natural enemies are wont to do), and they're actually showing the fight. Sort of. They're also using the shaking camera manuever, and when they do show them it looks like something I could create in the bathtub using Wonderbaby's toys pretty easily. And she doesn't even have an octopus.
- How do they keep losing the creatures on their radar? This is about the fourth or fifth time. Way to keep going back to the same plot device over and over again. And, speaking of, we now have more shaking cameras. I really can't stress enough how prevalent this has been. This movie is as predictable as a Jesse Crain outing. As shaky, too.
- The octopus from Super Mario just squeezed the asian guy in half, but $50 says he shows up again because he and Debbie are in love and we need a happy ending to get us all through the day and our pathetic lives. Also I'm betting we aren't getting any TMNT ooze ending, which is a total bummer.
- I think they're looping the footage from the octo/shark fight.
- And the two creatures actually managed to kill each other, which is obviously super realistic. And there's asian guy to give us a little more Anakin-level banter in case you needed a little more. Just fantastic. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, but this is the worst. Other than Jumper.
- And we're set up for a sequel, because some old guy just gave our heros a file and said "here's something else" or some similar line. They better not be in Piranha. I can't take it again.
- Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this, because I sure as hell didn't, and I'm once again questioning why I keep doing this to myself. It must be for you, because I love you. Seriously, though, if I have to choose between a Giant Shark and a Giant Octopus, I'm going with crab juice.
- And just so this night isn't a total loss, here is a picture Snake snapped of a guy who was sitting near us at the Twins game we went to on Monday. I'm not even going to go with any commentary, I think it speaks for itself.
- Looks like we're getting started in the great frozen north which is where I'm guessing someone is going to thaw out a giant prehistoric shark. But more importantly, the opening credits inform me that our leads are Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Also yes, that Lorenzo Lamas, but you probably knew that part.
- They just showed a giant sheath of ice sliding off a glacial wall, which basically guarantees that they are going to end up blaming global warming in some way for this. Great. Nothing like getting a political statement from a crappy B movie, especially considering the science they usually use in these is less accurate than your average Delmon Young throw to the plate.
- On on mother effing cue, they show us a school of Hammerheads allegedly swimming around in Alaskan waters. God damn it, people. Hammerheads are tropical. I'm almost positive they only shark you'd find in Alaskan waters is the Greenland Shark. Why not just show some Greenland sharks? Lazy stupid morons. At least attempt to get it right. I know I'm a nerd, but even a minimum amount of research would tell you that you would never, ever, ever find a hammerhead anywhere near Alaska. It just makes me so mad.
- We're two minutes in. Two minutes. And now they show us reef sharks and manta rays. In Alaska. Frozen Alaskan waters. Reef sharks, manta rays, and hammerheads. How about you just toss in a tropical coral reef or the Loch Ness monster. At this point you've already destroyed your credibility. This is almost as bad as that goblin shark movie.
- Huh, Debbie Gibson is actually a halfway decent actress. She doesn't have much to work with here already. For example, some army guy dropped some kind of sonar bomb into the alaskan ocean and it's forcing this bunch of whales to start ramming glaciers. Uh oh and oh noes they rammed so much ice so effectively that they freed both a mega-shark and a giant octopus who were frozen in their endless struggle through eternity. I am going to go ahead and assume these are the titular creatures. Heh, titular.
- Oooh, and right away the giant octopus attacks an oil drilling platform and crushes it to death. That is a really, really big octopus. Also to the best of my knowledge no giant octopus like that ever existed. I can't confirm for sure since I'm just a shark nerd and not an octopus nerd, but based on this movie's complete disregard for factual scientific science I'm going to assume they made that all up.
- They just found a dead whale basically bitten in half and the guy who is going to turn out to be the stuffy professor who never believes there's a giant shark says it was killed by a boat propeller. Based on the size of half of the whale, the boat would have had to the size of Rhode Island to have propellers that big. Also, the whole "it wasn't a shark it was a boating accident" thing was already done by Jaws, and every other shark-related movie since. At least be original in your crappiness.
- Debbie Gibson just jedi mind-tricked some security guard so she could get into some random giant tent and examine the dead whale body. Damn what the rules say! She's a rebel. She's also singing to the whale "I Think We're Alone Now."
- Some asian with glasses is yelling at some other asian with a goatee.
- Oh for the love of god. The giant shark just lept out of the ocean to grab and eat a plane. I don't even know where to start with this. First, the plane had just broken cloud cover which means the shark jumped a minimum of 5,000 feet in the air. Second, the shark was at least 5 times longer than the plane, despite the fact that the biggest estimate for a Megalodon would put it at about a quarter of the length of a 747. Finally, why the hell would a just de-frozen shark jump up in the air and grab a plane when it has had no learnings that plane = food. Plus, a shark that size wouldn't be interested in people because sharks need to eat high amounts of fat from like whales and seals and stuff, and I am pretty sure metal isn't high in fat content.
- I take it back. Debbie Gibson is not a good actress. She should stick to posing in playboy. Google is your friend.
- Now the asian guy with glasses is meeting with Debbie and her mentor science guy who is being played by a guy who reminds me of the guy from Cocktail and has the same accent. Remember in that movie when Elisabeth Shue took her top off? She was awesome.
- So Asian guy thinks the thing killing stuff is an Octopus, while Debbie and Cocktail guy think it's a shark. OMG THEY'RE BOTH RIGHT! TWO PRESHISTORIC CREATURES UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY!!
- I was going to write about something else that just happened but then, just now as predicted, Debbie gives us this "The Polar Ice Caps are melting so rapidly, maybe this is our comeuppance." THANK YOU MOVIE! I WILL NOW REPENT MY LIFE AND BUY AN ELECTRIC SCOOTER AND COOK MEALS OVER AN OPEN FLAME! YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE!
- This is a really god-damned stupid movie.
- The shark just killed a navy battle ship, but they couldn't be bothered to show anything to us because they're stupid and cheap. Instead it would show the shark swimming, kind of, in some of the worst CGI I've ever seen (comparable to Etch-A-Sketch) and then cut to some army guys in a room that was shaking. Do that three times, then cut to head army guy yelling "noooooooooooooo" and then fade to black. Thanks a lot. That was super entertaining. I hope Aquaman shows up and kills everybody dead.
- Asian guy with glasses just now compared the two creatures to Hurricane Katrina. I can't decide if that's offensive, and since I'm not affiliated with and really wasn't affected by the hurricane, I'm just going to chalk it up as being unfunny instead. Which once again proves that asians aren't funny.
- Shocking. Military guy wants to destroy the creatures, while the Sciencey people want to study them. Just like every animal destruction movie ever. And did I really say Debbie Gibson was a good actor, earlier? I need to be gut-punched.
- Do you think Wilson Ramos is more like the next Johnny Bench or the next Mickey Cochrane? Nevermind, I'm being silly. He's the next Matt Wieters. Who, by the way, has 3x the home runs of your precious Joe Mauer. Since HRs are the only really viable way to evaluate a hitter, I'd say it's clear Wieters is tops. Other than Ramos.
- Asian guy is now telling some sob story about how he has always wanted to be a marine biologist ever since he saw a dolphin get killed in a net when he was a kid but his family all wanted him to follow in his footsteps. I didn't catch what it was they wanted him to be, but I'm going to assume ping-pong player. And now he's humping Debbie Gibson. Clearly she's pretty easy if that story worked. Eww Debbie.
- Since we're talking about studs, guess how many AL third-basemen have a better batting average than Evan Longoria? Zero. Guess how many have a better OBP. Zero. Guess how many have a better SLG. Zero. Plus, he'll steal your girlfriend. Such a pimp.
- Some fighter guy like Maverick or Goose just got slapped out of the air by an octopus tentacle, which means I guess nobody learned anything from the plane that got eaten by the shark earlier. Also, since I'm sure you want to know how awesome it looked, it was a screen of a plane, then a shot of a tentacle, then the guy inside the plane with red flights flashing and him yelling. Then they cut to the people in the big ship running this whole operation and they were all sad. This movie rocks.
- Nice pony-tail, Lamas.
- I still don't get the switch from Sci Fi Channel to SyFy Channel. I mean, you're basically going to get two reactions - either irritation or indifference, so what's the point? Not really seeing an upside here. This is the worst marketing decision since they eliminated Crystal Pepsi.
- For a movie about a giant shark and a giant octopus (which doesn't and never has existed) there has been a stunning lack of footage of said monsters. And not the good kind of tension building keeping the monster hidden like in Jaws, the bad kind. Like that one time I accidentally watched a male model show - The girls never came! The girls never came!
- They're doing something with pheremones to attract the monsters or something, but for some reason these pheremones are a glowing fluorescent green, like the ooze from TMNT. Oh my god! Maybe it is the ooze, and when the octo and shark meet up and fight they'll break the container and the ooze will spill everywhere and create a giant Shark/Octopus hybrid! That would be the greatest thing ever! Please let this happen. Or at least turn Lamas into some human/shark creature. He'd probably be more articulate.
- I've never watched a movie that utilized shaky camerawork more often. It's worse than the Blair Witch Project. More like if the Blair Witch Project was filmed by Michael J Fox. Or any movie, really.
- Sweet jesus. The shark somehow disappeared from the radar of the navy battleship which is currently attempting to shoot it with torpedos. We've already established this thing is at least 200 feet long. Nice radar. Must be american-made. Oh, there is is. It ate the ship, and then it ate the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm assuming we're not in Alaska anymore, but with the fact-finding and accuracy we've seen in this movie who the hell knows. I'm guessing it'll go after Big Ben next. Not Roethlisberger. He'd probably hump it while it tried to get away.
- The new plan is to drop nukes into San Francisco Bay (the shark) and somewhere in Tokyo that I don't remember (the octopus) in order to "avoid a global catastrophe." I don't even know where to begin.
- Awesome. Now they are going to try to get them to fight and kill each other instead, because "Sharks and Octopi are natural enemies." Good lord. This seriously puts every other one of these movies to shame, even that one with the Baldwin brother. Don't worry, I'll be back with another one after this. I have something called "Mega Piranha" waiting for me. Hard to get a better title than that.
- I'm really sick of fantasy baseball. Our pitchers just keep getting Greinke'd. First off, we have Greinke, who has a 2.27 ERA and zero wins. Then tonight, Cole Hamels goes 8 innings, gives up 1 run, no win. Last night Mike Leake pitched a gem and got nothing. It's not fair. We have the best team by far (Wieters AND Longoria) by are just 2-2 because of cheaters and cheating and bad luck. We should be 5-0, even though it's only been four weeks. Yep, we're that good.
- By the way, I really wanted to like V, but I just couldn't get into it. I feel like I'm insulting my childhood. Then again, a certain recent remake of a certain awesome classic kind of destroyed it already. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate.
- I see Wilson Ramos is 0-3 with a K right now tonight. I know a little bit of regression to the mean is inevitable, but if he doesn't end up hitting at least .500 this year, I think you have to consider his season a failure.
- I'm thinking Gardy should have stuck with his unbreakable routine and brought in Rauch to finish the game. Oops. (I'm getting back to the movie, I swear).
- $20 says this movie ends with another message about the evils of global warming.
- Debbie and Asian guy just had a really touching conversation via video computer phone. He's apparently in Asian now which I guess makes sense, but they're in love or something which doesn't. And their romantic talk involved some quote from my guy Julius Caesar, but it was a pretty gay one. The whole thing was awful. Kind of gave me a hankerin' for watching Anakin and Padme.
- Mmmmmmmmmmmm.....Padme. Remember in the second movie how the somehow manages to rip her shirt just perfectly to get some nice mid-riff action? I couldn't decide if that was awesome or stupid, and I still can't decide. I know I didn't complain though.
- Ok, so if you're going to make a movie with two giant sea creatures, and advertise in your title that you have two giant sea creatures, do me a favor and have some kind of a special effects budget so most of the time you can show the creature instead of just shake a camera and when you do show it it doesn't look like it's out of Super Mario Brothers. Seriously, the octopus looks just like this:
- I quite literally have no idea what is going on anymore, but Debbie Gibson just punched some dude out (unfortunately not Lamas. or the Asian guy) and then somebody said "Ice Wall! Right Ahead!" which I think was supposed to be an homage to Titanic. This is pretty surreal. But not in a good way in the least.
- So the Shark and Octopus are fighting, just like in Debbie's master plan (as natural enemies are wont to do), and they're actually showing the fight. Sort of. They're also using the shaking camera manuever, and when they do show them it looks like something I could create in the bathtub using Wonderbaby's toys pretty easily. And she doesn't even have an octopus.
- How do they keep losing the creatures on their radar? This is about the fourth or fifth time. Way to keep going back to the same plot device over and over again. And, speaking of, we now have more shaking cameras. I really can't stress enough how prevalent this has been. This movie is as predictable as a Jesse Crain outing. As shaky, too.
- The octopus from Super Mario just squeezed the asian guy in half, but $50 says he shows up again because he and Debbie are in love and we need a happy ending to get us all through the day and our pathetic lives. Also I'm betting we aren't getting any TMNT ooze ending, which is a total bummer.
- I think they're looping the footage from the octo/shark fight.
- And the two creatures actually managed to kill each other, which is obviously super realistic. And there's asian guy to give us a little more Anakin-level banter in case you needed a little more. Just fantastic. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, but this is the worst. Other than Jumper.
- And we're set up for a sequel, because some old guy just gave our heros a file and said "here's something else" or some similar line. They better not be in Piranha. I can't take it again.
- Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this, because I sure as hell didn't, and I'm once again questioning why I keep doing this to myself. It must be for you, because I love you. Seriously, though, if I have to choose between a Giant Shark and a Giant Octopus, I'm going with crab juice.
- And just so this night isn't a total loss, here is a picture Snake snapped of a guy who was sitting near us at the Twins game we went to on Monday. I'm not even going to go with any commentary, I think it speaks for itself.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
FACT
The Orioles lost today to the Rays 9-1. The reason? They gave Matt Wieters the day off.
Also the Gophers got the official commitment from Mo Walker today. Awesome.
[EDIT: Somebody want to explain to me why the hell they sent Alex Burnett down in exchange for the world's oldest relief pitcher]
Also the Gophers got the official commitment from Mo Walker today. Awesome.
[EDIT: Somebody want to explain to me why the hell they sent Alex Burnett down in exchange for the world's oldest relief pitcher]
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
OFFICIAL MATT WIETERS HOME RUN COUNT
1
Matt Wieters is a six-tool player. The sixth tool is AWESOMENESS.
Matt Wieters is a six-tool player. The sixth tool is AWESOMENESS.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
MLB Preview - American League
Here it is, what you've all been waiting for. Your American League preview. Although I have to warn you I went out to dinner with my parents and had a bunch of beers, so I'm probably just going to half-ass this thing. Or at least more than usual.
AL EAST
1. NEW YORK YANKEES. It pains me, physically pains me to pick these jackasses to win. I almost win went another team here, but then I realized that would just have been picking against the Yankees because they were assholes, especially your boyfriend Derek Jeter, and as a professional journalist who was once named a top 100 sports blog in America I just can't have that kind of impartialism running rampant on such a respected blog, so I pick the Yankees first. Seriously though, that Nick Johnson signing is perfect for this team and the exact type of signing they used to not be smart enough to make. So I guess what I'm saying is the Yankees might be back. I mean Jesus Christ their fifth starter is Phil Hughes. How is that even fair? He'd be second on the Twins. You heard me.
2. TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS. It seems like they have an endless supply of young talent, much like Vivid. And most of them work out well, which is what makes them different. This year, keep an eye out for "fifth" starter Wade Davis and the guy who will be the Carlos Gomez we always wanted, Desmond Jennings. I'm not certain that Rafael Soriano is actually the answer to their bullpen questions but why is the guy from those Miller High Life commercials on Cougar Town? Side bar: this show is terrible.
3. BOSTON RED SOX. I just wish they'd go away already, but somehow ($200 million payroll) they keep staying relevant. But who fills in for Jason Bay's numbers? Victor Martinez? Please. Although I do want you all to know that I'm sharing a fantasy baseball team with Snake this year and he said our second round target should be V. Martinez so feel free to all point and laugh at him. Adrian Beltre should be a monster though.
4. BALTIMORE ORIOLES. I feel bad for these guys. They finally seem to have it together, with a bunch of nice young arms and a bunch of good young bats and it doesn't matter remotely because of the division they are in. If the O's were in the central or west they'd be in contention for a division crown, but being in the East they are screwed. Look out for both Adam Jones on the bat side and Brian Matusz on the arm side. I got a game he throwed last year and I think he's probably the real deal (not the J.D. Durbin kind). Also wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters.
5. TORONTO BLUE JAYS. Trading Halladay was the right move since they suck, but they need to pray to Poseidon that a bunch of those prospects pan out because this is uglier than that chick from that one show. Travis Snider is a complete pimp, as are Adam Lind and Aaron Hill, but the rest of the lineup features guys like Jose Bautista, Alex Gonzalez, and Lyle Overbay. And that's better than the rotation, which is just like the Twins rotation how every starter is kind of on the same level except if that level was Glen Perkins.
AL CENTRAL
1. MINNESOTA TWINS. I'm almost kind of glad about the whole Nathan injury because it puts a flaw into what was shaping up to be a little too perfect of a team. Kind of like going into the season everyone was expecting the Vikings to hit the Super Bowl, that's how the Twins offseason was shaping up. Now that there's a chink (NOTE: not racist) in the armor maybe they are ready to take it. Feel free to expect Kubel to become the third member of the current team to win an MVP. Also, Delmon Young: .310/.360/.500. Believe.
2. DETROIT TIGERS. I'm very intrigued by what they are doing here. It's a very nice mix of young (Austin Jackson, Scott Sizemore, Max Scherzer) and old (Mags, Miggy, Verlander) with a shitbox of a bullpen. Does anybody still believe in Joel Zumaya at this point? Because he's officially closing now, a solid three or so years after he should have been ready. Did you know Brandon Inge struck at 170 times and OBP'd at .314. God that guy sucks. If I wasn't lazy I'd try to find video footage of his 0 home runs in the derby last year. But here we are.
3. CHICAGO WHITE STOCKINGS. That rotation is super good if you believe Peavy is back, which any smart human does even though that sucks worse than your life for the Twins. Funny that the offense basically keys on if Carlos Quentin, who looks like a retarded mexican Eric Cartman, is back to form, which he won't be. So you can expect a lot of 2-1 losses for Chicago this year. Oh, and if you want a prediction you can consider this a guarantee - Bobby Jenks implodes this year. Mark Wohlers-style.
4. CLEVELAND INDIANS. They don't really have much of a chance to compete this year, and will definitely trade Kerry Wood and should think about trading Grady Sizemore, but they seem to at least have an idea of what they're doing and are stockpiling some talent. Matt LaPorta, Lou Marson, Carlos Santana, Luis Valbuena, Asdrubel Cabrera, and Michael Brantley are very good young hitters who aren't there as a group yet but will get their soon. Luckily the rotation is brutal and the bullpen might be even worse. There is a lot of chatter about Fausto Carmona and being back to form coming out of spring training. I'd dismiss it, but I'm basically buying in 100% to the Frank Liriano hype so I have to respect this, right. I don't want to be some kind of hypocrite like Oksana Baiul.
5. KANSAS CITY ROYALS. I want to believe in KC, I really do. Partially for Zack Greinke and partially because it should be unconstitutional for such a beautiful ballpark to house such a shitty team (see: TCF Bank and the Gophers). Every time it seems like they might be moving in the right direction, like stockpiling a good amount of young arms, they go out and sign the worst lineup anybody has ever seen ever in forever. Just terrible. It's like, I feel the Pirates are starting to figure it out but the Royals are the younger, more retarded brother who has had the same plan explained to them and acts like they get it but then signs Jason Kendall to a 2 year/$6 million contract. Honest to god his agent must have shit himself when he saw that come through on facsimile.
AL WEST
1. CALIFORNIA ANGELS. Sort of by default here. All these teams are pretty close to even, but when you're in a cut-throat business like blogging you have to make a stand and I guess my stand is picking the Angels and also I'm bored. Does it even matter? These teams (sans the Rangers) all play way the hell over on the west coast where sports are over by 8pm and then every one is bored. Unless the Oscars are on, in which case the whole city shuts down and if you happen to be out there for new job orientation you can't go to the hotel bar and watch a basketball game because every TV is on the stupid Oscars and god forbid you ask if they can change one little tv in the corner because the bartender will judge you like he was Mills Lane and then not change the channel at all.
2. SEATTLE MARINERS. I have to pick them here because I love their strategy of going after pitching and defense in that gigantic park, and also because I put some money on them already at 16-1 two win the AL. Now that I think about it, that's a pretty stupid bet and if I really like them I should have just waited for their win OVER/UNDER to come out and roll on that and hold on one minute. Ok I now have the Mariners to win over 83. Also Twins OVER 82, Rockies over 84.5 (heavy here), Giants UNDER 82.5, and ATHLETICS UNDER 78. That was fun.
3. TEXAS RANGERS. I have never heard of any of these pitchers. I wish it was Friday. I want to draft a team. And also drink beer. And also drink beer with Snake while we draft a dominant team which will have no Rangers at all unless Justin Smoak gets called up. That guy is going to make Justin Morneau look like a girl.
4. OAKLAND ATHLETICS. This is, frankly, pretty awful. I love Billy Beane and he basically turned the league's front offices upside down by looking at the game in a different way, but it's not really working anymore and I don't think you could fault the A's if they chose to go in a different direction. Also when/if that happens I will be first in line for the "Fire Bill Smith hire Billy Beane" movement. Somebody just let me know when we meet and what I have to bring. I just concocted a pretty good dry rub for some chicken wings, so if it's going to be that kind of party somebody let me know. Also let me know if it's the kind of party where ding-dongs are getting stuck in the mashed potatoes. I'll call Q-Tip.
AL WILD CARD - Rays
AL PENNANT - Twins (believe it)
AL MVP - A-Rod (runner up = Kubel)
CY YOUNG - Felix Hernandez (runner up = Matt Garza)
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR - Matusz (runner up = Jennings)
WORLD SERIES WINNER - Phillies. Sorry homers.
AL EAST
1. NEW YORK YANKEES. It pains me, physically pains me to pick these jackasses to win. I almost win went another team here, but then I realized that would just have been picking against the Yankees because they were assholes, especially your boyfriend Derek Jeter, and as a professional journalist who was once named a top 100 sports blog in America I just can't have that kind of impartialism running rampant on such a respected blog, so I pick the Yankees first. Seriously though, that Nick Johnson signing is perfect for this team and the exact type of signing they used to not be smart enough to make. So I guess what I'm saying is the Yankees might be back. I mean Jesus Christ their fifth starter is Phil Hughes. How is that even fair? He'd be second on the Twins. You heard me.
2. TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS. It seems like they have an endless supply of young talent, much like Vivid. And most of them work out well, which is what makes them different. This year, keep an eye out for "fifth" starter Wade Davis and the guy who will be the Carlos Gomez we always wanted, Desmond Jennings. I'm not certain that Rafael Soriano is actually the answer to their bullpen questions but why is the guy from those Miller High Life commercials on Cougar Town? Side bar: this show is terrible.
3. BOSTON RED SOX. I just wish they'd go away already, but somehow ($200 million payroll) they keep staying relevant. But who fills in for Jason Bay's numbers? Victor Martinez? Please. Although I do want you all to know that I'm sharing a fantasy baseball team with Snake this year and he said our second round target should be V. Martinez so feel free to all point and laugh at him. Adrian Beltre should be a monster though.
4. BALTIMORE ORIOLES. I feel bad for these guys. They finally seem to have it together, with a bunch of nice young arms and a bunch of good young bats and it doesn't matter remotely because of the division they are in. If the O's were in the central or west they'd be in contention for a division crown, but being in the East they are screwed. Look out for both Adam Jones on the bat side and Brian Matusz on the arm side. I got a game he throwed last year and I think he's probably the real deal (not the J.D. Durbin kind). Also wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters.
5. TORONTO BLUE JAYS. Trading Halladay was the right move since they suck, but they need to pray to Poseidon that a bunch of those prospects pan out because this is uglier than that chick from that one show. Travis Snider is a complete pimp, as are Adam Lind and Aaron Hill, but the rest of the lineup features guys like Jose Bautista, Alex Gonzalez, and Lyle Overbay. And that's better than the rotation, which is just like the Twins rotation how every starter is kind of on the same level except if that level was Glen Perkins.
AL CENTRAL
1. MINNESOTA TWINS. I'm almost kind of glad about the whole Nathan injury because it puts a flaw into what was shaping up to be a little too perfect of a team. Kind of like going into the season everyone was expecting the Vikings to hit the Super Bowl, that's how the Twins offseason was shaping up. Now that there's a chink (NOTE: not racist) in the armor maybe they are ready to take it. Feel free to expect Kubel to become the third member of the current team to win an MVP. Also, Delmon Young: .310/.360/.500. Believe.
2. DETROIT TIGERS. I'm very intrigued by what they are doing here. It's a very nice mix of young (Austin Jackson, Scott Sizemore, Max Scherzer) and old (Mags, Miggy, Verlander) with a shitbox of a bullpen. Does anybody still believe in Joel Zumaya at this point? Because he's officially closing now, a solid three or so years after he should have been ready. Did you know Brandon Inge struck at 170 times and OBP'd at .314. God that guy sucks. If I wasn't lazy I'd try to find video footage of his 0 home runs in the derby last year. But here we are.
3. CHICAGO WHITE STOCKINGS. That rotation is super good if you believe Peavy is back, which any smart human does even though that sucks worse than your life for the Twins. Funny that the offense basically keys on if Carlos Quentin, who looks like a retarded mexican Eric Cartman, is back to form, which he won't be. So you can expect a lot of 2-1 losses for Chicago this year. Oh, and if you want a prediction you can consider this a guarantee - Bobby Jenks implodes this year. Mark Wohlers-style.
4. CLEVELAND INDIANS. They don't really have much of a chance to compete this year, and will definitely trade Kerry Wood and should think about trading Grady Sizemore, but they seem to at least have an idea of what they're doing and are stockpiling some talent. Matt LaPorta, Lou Marson, Carlos Santana, Luis Valbuena, Asdrubel Cabrera, and Michael Brantley are very good young hitters who aren't there as a group yet but will get their soon. Luckily the rotation is brutal and the bullpen might be even worse. There is a lot of chatter about Fausto Carmona and being back to form coming out of spring training. I'd dismiss it, but I'm basically buying in 100% to the Frank Liriano hype so I have to respect this, right. I don't want to be some kind of hypocrite like Oksana Baiul.
5. KANSAS CITY ROYALS. I want to believe in KC, I really do. Partially for Zack Greinke and partially because it should be unconstitutional for such a beautiful ballpark to house such a shitty team (see: TCF Bank and the Gophers). Every time it seems like they might be moving in the right direction, like stockpiling a good amount of young arms, they go out and sign the worst lineup anybody has ever seen ever in forever. Just terrible. It's like, I feel the Pirates are starting to figure it out but the Royals are the younger, more retarded brother who has had the same plan explained to them and acts like they get it but then signs Jason Kendall to a 2 year/$6 million contract. Honest to god his agent must have shit himself when he saw that come through on facsimile.
AL WEST
1. CALIFORNIA ANGELS. Sort of by default here. All these teams are pretty close to even, but when you're in a cut-throat business like blogging you have to make a stand and I guess my stand is picking the Angels and also I'm bored. Does it even matter? These teams (sans the Rangers) all play way the hell over on the west coast where sports are over by 8pm and then every one is bored. Unless the Oscars are on, in which case the whole city shuts down and if you happen to be out there for new job orientation you can't go to the hotel bar and watch a basketball game because every TV is on the stupid Oscars and god forbid you ask if they can change one little tv in the corner because the bartender will judge you like he was Mills Lane and then not change the channel at all.
2. SEATTLE MARINERS. I have to pick them here because I love their strategy of going after pitching and defense in that gigantic park, and also because I put some money on them already at 16-1 two win the AL. Now that I think about it, that's a pretty stupid bet and if I really like them I should have just waited for their win OVER/UNDER to come out and roll on that and hold on one minute. Ok I now have the Mariners to win over 83. Also Twins OVER 82, Rockies over 84.5 (heavy here), Giants UNDER 82.5, and ATHLETICS UNDER 78. That was fun.
3. TEXAS RANGERS. I have never heard of any of these pitchers. I wish it was Friday. I want to draft a team. And also drink beer. And also drink beer with Snake while we draft a dominant team which will have no Rangers at all unless Justin Smoak gets called up. That guy is going to make Justin Morneau look like a girl.
4. OAKLAND ATHLETICS. This is, frankly, pretty awful. I love Billy Beane and he basically turned the league's front offices upside down by looking at the game in a different way, but it's not really working anymore and I don't think you could fault the A's if they chose to go in a different direction. Also when/if that happens I will be first in line for the "Fire Bill Smith hire Billy Beane" movement. Somebody just let me know when we meet and what I have to bring. I just concocted a pretty good dry rub for some chicken wings, so if it's going to be that kind of party somebody let me know. Also let me know if it's the kind of party where ding-dongs are getting stuck in the mashed potatoes. I'll call Q-Tip.
AL WILD CARD - Rays
AL PENNANT - Twins (believe it)
AL MVP - A-Rod (runner up = Kubel)
CY YOUNG - Felix Hernandez (runner up = Matt Garza)
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR - Matusz (runner up = Jennings)
WORLD SERIES WINNER - Phillies. Sorry homers.
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