Weekend Review - 03.28.2011

 What a retardedly stupid nonsensical and awesome tournament this has been.  I can't remember ever having this much fun watching.  Nearly every game close, and essentially completely impossible to predict.  At this point I'd bet there are more people with zero final four teams correct (including your president - suck it, commie) than even have one, and although I'm sure there are a handful of people who have two correct I'd be pretty shocked if I know anyone who does.  Every year it sucks when this tournament ends because it's always the most fun sporting event to watch, but this year it's going to be even worse.  Doesn't help that the Twins are speeding towards mediocrity even faster than usual, but I won't dwell on that know.  Plenty of time to talk hardball after next week.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Virginia Commonwealth Rams.   Hard not to recognize a team that went from the First Four round to the Final Four, and a team that had the "experts" wringing their hands and bitching non-spot about how they shouldn't have gotten a bid (check the records and you'll see that I said they should be in multiple times - point me).  Since you're about to get force fed more happy fun stories about VCU than you can handle I'm going to tell you a semi-funny story from Chicago instead.  As most bars do at this time, the Dayton bar where we spent an inordinate amount of time had a bracket on the wall and an employee would hand write in each winner.  This bar clearly had a female employee do it, because on the line where you would write the winner of the Georgetown/VCU game the chick wrote "VCU/USC."  So now I'm picturing a bracket on the wall of the bar with four different winner lines with "VCU/USC" written down.  I don't know, maybe you had to be there but it's pretty god damn funny.

2.  Derrick Williams.  Easily the most impressive player I saw this weekend and I don't even know if there was a second one.  What an absolute monster.  That dunk he threw down against UCONN in the second half where he basically powered through two dudes to throw down would have been the most impressive dunk of the entire tournament, except he eclipsed that one with the monster Shawn Kemp NBA Jam style slam he had against Duke.  And it's not like he's a one-dimensional, Trevor Mbakwe dunking machine.  He can shoot from the perimeter, rebound like a mofo, and he's excellent with the ball around the basket.  I don't know what kind of NBA career he might have because I don't watch until the playoffs because I'm not retarded, but Williams is/was an absolute college beast.  Probably has a huge crank, too.


3.  Matt Howard.  If Williams blew me away with his awesomeness, Howard blew me away with his improvement.  Last year he was basically a chubby disaster against good teams and, although I don't want to say he single handedly lost the championship game against Duke, but he was so badly outplayed by Brian freaking Zoubek and looked so ridiculously out of place in that game that it's really just a testament to the brilliance of Shelvin Mack and Gordon Hayward that the championship went down to the wire.

Now, however, he's lost a bunch of that babyfat, added a jumper with 3-point range to his game, cut way way way down on his fouling, and is absolutely brimming with confidence.  Which he should be because he's playing great.  He's played some very good front courts so far this tournament in Old Dominion, Pitt, and Florida, and even the dainty Jon Leuer can be a challenge, and he's played well on both ends of the court against all of them.  Last year's version of Howard would have gotten killed by Florida's super athletic dudes, but this year Howard scored 14, grabbed 5 boards, and most importantly only committed three fouls so he was able to play 40 minutes.  His numbers might not jump out an grab you, but if you saw him this year and last you'd see what a massive improvement he's made, and he's a big, big reason Butler is heading to the Final Four.

4.  Jeremy Lamb.  All season long the one thing UCONN really needed was a second scorer to take pressure off of Kemba Walker who, despite being completely awesome, is not unstoppable despite what the media and announcers decided to make their running story (12-25 and 7-17 shooting in the two games this weekend doesn't make him unstoppable, it just makes him a high volume shooter and scorer).  Lamb really stepped up, scoring 24 against San Diego State, tying a season high and was basically the whole reason UCONN won that game, and then following it up with 19 in the win over Zona.  I still think he's a bit soft, but he's only a freshman so he can either take the good path and toughen up a bit and end up a pretty high level player and scorer, or he can go on about his business as he is, having games where he scores a ton and just as many games where he's nowhere to be found.  I say that second thing like it's a bad thing, but I should point out that even that version of Lamb would be the best player on the Gophers, and it wouldn't even be close.

5.  Kentucky Wildcats.  Well I'm flabbergasted.  It's rare of me to misjudge a team this badly.  Actually strike that, because I think team's are better than they really are all the time, but it's rare that a team I think is terrible ends up doing something stupid like going to the Final Four.  Calipari is a terrible game coach and a terrible game planner, generally winning games by having the most talent, almost in spite of himself.  This year's Kentucky isn't all that talented, at least from a Calipari's most talented team perspective, so I figured an early exit was inevitable.  Shocking that I got something wrong in this year's tournament I know, but apparently Brandon Knight is a lot better than I thought.  Much, much better than Brandin Knight, who, of course, played for the world's most chokiest program in history in the Pitt Panthers, the same most chokiest program who I inexplicably chose as my national champion.  Next year I'm not even filling out a bracket, it's getting too embarrassing.  It's like if Stephen Hawking called you to hook up his tivo.  From an understanding how to do it perspective, I mean.  Not the whole "I have no movement in any of my limbs" thing.


WHO SUCKED


1.  Wisconsin Badgers.  As enjoyable as that loss was for Gopher fans and white people haters that had to be brutal for Badger fans.  Really, I mean if you lose a buzzer beater game it sucks like getting punched in the stomach by a large black man who was just helping you find your glasses in a snowbank sucks - quick, painful, unexpected, but the pain subsides quickly.  It sucks to lose that way, just like it sucks to lose to a team that just blows you away because they're so much better or playing so well at the time, but you can live with those losses.  The way Wisconsin lost, however, has got to just gnaw away at you for a long, long time.  Butler gets credit for shutting the Badgers down, but in reality they didn't do much.  It was simply Wisconsin missing open shots.  Over.  And over.  And over.  And over.  In the mid-first half Jordan Taylor was fouled on a three-pointer and missed the first two free-throws, and that basically summed up the night.  And I loved every damn minute of it.    

2.  Jimmer Fredette.  Did you get a chance to watch the Jimmer?  Freaking amazing when he has the ball, right?  Amazing shooter with unlimited range and a hair-trigger release, ability to get buy a defender off the dribble and get into the lane, an excellent eye to find open teammates for easy hoops, and just amazing body control.  Really an impressive player with the ball.  But did you happen to notice him when he doesn't have the ball?  I've never seen a lazier god damn player in my life.  He does one of three things if he doesn't have the ball:

1. Stand there
2. Clap his hands and call for the ball.
3. Run directly at his teammate with the ball and clap his hands while calling for the ball

That's it.  That's the entire repertoire.  My favorite though is any time he passes the ball and it doesn't directly lead to a shot for this teammate he immediately follows his own pass, naturally while clapping and calling for the ball.  There's a reason nobody on this team every gets an assist other than Jimmer, and that's because he either shoots, creates a shot for somebody else, or immediately demands the ball back.  Honestly I was pretty unimpressed, and I watched all four of his games in this tournament and they were all the same.  Add in a level of defense that would make Blake Hoffarber turn red with embarrassment and he might be the most overrated player since Adam Morrison.  If this guys wins National Player of the Year it'll be a travesty and, frankly, should probably spark off some race riots.  But that's pretty much my answer for everything.

3.  Duke Blue Devils.  hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha oh my god that was so awesome.  It was like, all of a sudden Arizona realized, "hey, these guys are a bunch of nerds.  More athletic nerds than the Northwestern dorks of course, but still nerds.  And we aren't, so let's kill them" and then suddenly a dunk contest broke out and pasty white dorks and Jalen Rose's favorite type of brothers were their props.  They could do the entire one shining moment montage just from dunks from this game.  I think if Duke was playing a women's team that night those broads would have been running and jumping all over there heads.  Or maybe a lay-up line would have broken out instead.  I guess that's more realistic.

4.  William Buford.  Outside the Wisconsin duo of Jordan Taylor and Jon Leuer, I'm not sure anybody looked crappier than Buford.  Here's my impression of his game against Kentucky:  clang clang clang clang clang clang and so on and so forth.  Like Billy Ho once said, "I'll tell you what. Why don't we take all these bricks and build a shelter for the homeless, so maybe your mother will have a place to stay.  And your sister, too.  I want your mother and sister out of my house."   Damn Will, you just got played by a slow, white, geeky chump.  What do you mean, black ball?


5.  Colton Iverson's transfer.  Of all the red flags jumping up around the program regarding player defections this one has to be the worst.  The rest can all be rationalized away if you are looking for a reason to do so:  Royce White was a bad egg, Justin Cobbs was homesick, Paul Carter's sister was sick (ok so that one was pretty legit), Devoe Joesph is a selfish player who only cares about himself, and on and on.  If you want to have blind faith in Tubby you didn't have to try to hard.  For me, however, this one is a stunner and, frankly, makes me more than a little concerned.

I mean, what exactly is the reasoning here?  Iverson can't possibly believe Tubby is holding him back from a professional future playing ball, so what possible rationale could he have for leaving with only one year left to play?  It's not like a playing time issue makes much sense either, because of his style of play, body type, and just overall gangliness he's not going to suddenly jump up to 36 minutes a night no matter where he goes.  I just don't get this one.  Colton would have been my last guess at a player who would be transferring out.  I fear there are some real issues with this program, and I'm starting to think this year may not have been rock bottom.  If Colton can leave, anybody could.  What if both Mbakwe and Rodney end up leaving?  Or hell, anybody else, I don't even know any more.  I just know that I'm suddenly more fearful than ever that Tubby's style of coaching isn't just not winning as many games as we'd hoped but is now actively pushing players out.  Let's just move on to baseball so a different team can let me down.


And since we're almost to baseball season (preview of some sort coming soon, maybe even this week), here's the team Snake and I put together in our fantasy baseball draft.  I don't know about you, but looks like a championship to me.

C - Miguel Montero, Arizona (do you realize there are like 3 good catchers?  And we weren't getting stuck with freaking Wieters again.  I've done that dance twice).
1B - Billy Butler, KC (fat doubles machine)
2B - Rickie Weeks, MIL (counting on last year NOT being a career year)
3B - Evan Longoria, TB (so sexy he'll steal your girlfriend)
SS - Starlin Castro, CHC (please don't suck)
OF - Mike Stanton, FLA (not the middle reliever.  We're buying the hype)
OF - Austin Jackson, DET (how about just a little plate discipline?)
OF - Delmon Young, MIN (no points for fielding)
Ut - Jason Kubel, MIN (got him very, very late.  Decent upside)
SP - Jon Lester, BOS (could win 25)
SP - Justin Verlander, DET (looking even more unhittable this year)
SP - Clay Buchholz, BOS (I guess we're all in on Boston)
SP - Madison Bumgarner, SF (hoping his rough spring doesn't mean anything)
RP - Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (like I said)
RP - Joakim Soria, KC (Will probably end up saving 85% of KC's wins)
RP - Drew Storen, WAS (we can't have Strausberg, so we'll take his little buddy)
Bench - 1B Justin Smoak, SEA (Of course)
Bench - SP Michael Pineda, SEA (we hit it big with Leake last year, might as well try again)
Bench - RP Chris Sale, CHW (already unhittable, just needs to get the closer gig)
Bench - SP Carl Pavano, MIN (steady enough)

CHAMPIONSHIP!








RIP Paul.

Zack Greinke has Lost Something

Yes, I am aware that Zack Greinke finally picked up his first win yesterday and good for him.  I'm actually all too aware of it since he was on Snake and my Fantasy Baseball team.  As you might imagine with that being the case, I've paid way too much attention to Greinke, including listening to radio broadcasts of Royals' games using the MLB app for my phone.  At I've noticed that he isn't nearly as good as he was last year.  Since someone was looking to acquire him in our league, I did a little more digging, and I found some interesting things.

No, I'm not judging him based on his paucity of wins this year - I do actually understand baseball.  And I know his basic numbers look pretty good; he has an ERA of  2.73 and a WHIP of 1.12.  There's nothing wrong with those numbers, even if they aren't as dominating as last year.  So dig deeper with me, won't you?

Let's start with a few basics.  First, his K/9 is 7.5.  Good, very good in fact, but a deep drop from the 9.5 he posted last year.  At the same time, his HR/9 allowed has nearly doubled from 0.43 to 0.85.  Again, good numbers, but substantially worse than last year.  Opponents are hitting .248 against him this year, up from .232 last season, while his BABIP is at .296, below his career number of .314 (he was at .313 last year), which suggests that the opponents average is only going to increase from here.

The home run increase can be attributed to giving up more fly balls (41% FB last year, 46% this year) and a higher proportion of those are flying out of the park (6.8% of his fly balls have gone out this year compared to 4.5% last year).

What's causing this?  I can see a couple of things, and the first is a drop in velocity on his fastball.  Last year he averaged 93.7mph, this year he's down to 92.2mph - not an alarming drop, but enough to make a difference.  And that difference has been enough to account for a huge difference in Greinke making batters miss.  Last year, batters made contact just 77% of the time they swung at a Greinke pitch - this year that number is 87%.  To put it in perspective, that 77% ranked him 17th in the majors.  This season, that 87% number ranks him 105th out of the 115 pitchers who qualify for the ERA title.

Finally, there is a stat called FIP, which stands for Fielding Independent Pitching, which takes in all pitcher stats and spits out a number that is a projection of what you would expect the pitcher's ERA to be in a generic park with an average defense behind him.  Last year, Greinke's FIP was 2.33.  This year, it's 3.45.

In conclusion, although Zack Greinke is still a very good pitcher, but so far this year he's been no more than very good - not anywhere near the dominant force he was last season.  Considering he was historically good last year and only managed to win 16 games, he's going to be lucky to hit 12 this year, which means that us trading him (along with Matt Kemp) for Jason Heyward, Ricky Nolasco, and Jimmy Rollins was definitely the right move.

Also I didn't start researching this to convince myself of that or anything, in case you're wondering.

By the way, prior to tonight A-Rod was 4-6 with 3 home runs against Matt Guerrier.  Can we all please remember this when a bunch of yo-yos start stumping for Gardy as manager of the year?  Please?

I Think We're Alone Now (Live Movie Blog)

Alright, it's time.  I know I haven't done a live movie blog in a while, and I figure it's time to break it out again.  I'm sitting here with some Red Stripe and looking for something to watch and it's time to break out the big gun.  Yep, we're going with "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus."  I've been sitting on this since I Tivo'd it in January because the title is just too perfect and I'm afraid I'm going to be let down.  Then again, with a title like that it might also be the type of flick that doesn't take itself seriously, and that would suck too.  I don't want to rip on self-aware crap movies, I want ones that actually think they're good.  Let's find out what we have here together.

-  Looks like we're getting started in the great frozen north which is where I'm guessing someone is going to thaw out a giant prehistoric shark.  But more importantly, the opening credits inform me that our leads are Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas.  Yes, that Debbie Gibson.  Also yes, that Lorenzo Lamas, but you probably knew that part.

-  They just showed a giant sheath of ice sliding off a glacial wall, which basically guarantees that they are going to end up blaming global warming in some way for this.  Great.  Nothing like getting a political statement from a crappy B movie, especially considering the science they usually use in these is less accurate than your average Delmon Young throw to the plate.

-  On on mother effing cue, they show us a school of Hammerheads allegedly swimming around in Alaskan waters.  God damn it, people.  Hammerheads are tropical.  I'm almost positive they only shark you'd find in Alaskan waters is the Greenland Shark.  Why not just show some Greenland sharks?  Lazy stupid morons.  At least attempt to get it right.  I know I'm a nerd, but even a minimum amount of research would tell you that you would never, ever, ever find a hammerhead anywhere near Alaska.  It just makes me so mad.

-  We're two minutes in.  Two minutes.  And now they show us reef sharks and manta rays.  In Alaska.  Frozen Alaskan waters.  Reef sharks, manta rays, and hammerheads.  How about you just toss in a tropical coral reef or the Loch Ness monster.  At this point you've already destroyed your credibility.  This is almost as bad as that goblin shark movie.

- Huh, Debbie Gibson is actually a halfway decent actress.  She doesn't have much to work with here already.  For example, some army guy dropped some kind of sonar bomb into the alaskan ocean and it's forcing this bunch of whales to start ramming glaciers.  Uh oh and oh noes they rammed so much ice so effectively that they freed both a mega-shark and a giant octopus who were frozen in their endless struggle through eternity.  I am going to go ahead and assume these are the titular creatures.  Heh, titular.

-  Oooh, and right away the giant octopus attacks an oil drilling platform and crushes it to death.  That is a really, really big octopus.  Also to the best of my knowledge no giant octopus like that ever existed.  I can't confirm for sure since I'm just a shark nerd and not an octopus nerd, but based on this movie's complete disregard for factual scientific science I'm going to assume they made that all up.

-  They just found a dead whale basically bitten in half and the guy who is going to turn out to be the stuffy professor who never believes there's a giant shark says it was killed by a boat propeller.  Based on the size of half of the whale, the boat would have had to the size of Rhode Island to have propellers that big.  Also, the whole "it wasn't a shark it was a boating accident" thing was already done by Jaws, and every other shark-related movie since.  At least be original in your crappiness.

-  Debbie Gibson just jedi mind-tricked some security guard so she could get into some random giant tent and examine the dead whale body.  Damn what the rules say!  She's a rebel.  She's also singing to the whale "I Think We're Alone Now."

-   Some asian with glasses is yelling at some other asian with a goatee.

-   Oh for the love of god.  The giant shark just lept out of the ocean to grab and eat a plane.  I don't even know where to start with this.  First, the plane had just broken cloud cover which means the shark jumped a minimum of 5,000 feet in the air.  Second, the shark was at least 5 times longer than the plane, despite the fact that the biggest estimate for a Megalodon would put it at about a quarter of the length of a 747.  Finally, why the hell would a just de-frozen shark jump up in the air and grab a plane when it has had no learnings that plane = food.  Plus, a shark that size wouldn't be interested in people because sharks need to eat high amounts of fat from like whales and seals and stuff, and I am pretty sure metal isn't high in fat content.

-  I take it back.  Debbie Gibson is not a good actress.  She should stick to posing in playboy.  Google is your friend.

-  Now the asian guy with glasses is meeting with Debbie and her mentor science guy who is being played by a guy who reminds me of the guy from Cocktail and has the same accent.  Remember in that movie when Elisabeth Shue took her top off?  She was awesome.

-  So Asian guy thinks the thing killing stuff is an Octopus, while Debbie and Cocktail guy think it's a shark.  OMG THEY'RE BOTH RIGHT!  TWO PRESHISTORIC CREATURES UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY!!

-  I was going to write about something else that just happened but then, just now as predicted, Debbie gives us this "The Polar Ice Caps are melting so rapidly, maybe this is our comeuppance."  THANK YOU MOVIE!  I WILL NOW REPENT MY LIFE AND BUY AN ELECTRIC SCOOTER AND COOK MEALS OVER AN OPEN FLAME!  YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE!

-  This is a really god-damned stupid movie.

-  The shark just killed a navy battle ship, but they couldn't be bothered to show anything to us because they're stupid and cheap.  Instead it would show the shark swimming, kind of, in some of the worst CGI I've ever seen (comparable to Etch-A-Sketch) and then cut to some army guys in a room that was shaking.  Do that three times, then cut to head army guy yelling "noooooooooooooo" and then fade to black.  Thanks a lot.  That was super entertaining.  I hope Aquaman shows up and kills everybody dead.

-  Asian guy with glasses just now compared the two creatures to Hurricane Katrina.  I can't decide if that's offensive, and since I'm not affiliated with and really wasn't affected by the hurricane, I'm just going to chalk it up as being unfunny instead.  Which once again proves that asians aren't funny.

-  Shocking.  Military guy wants to destroy the creatures, while the Sciencey people want to study them.  Just like every animal destruction movie ever.  And did I really say Debbie Gibson was a good actor, earlier?  I need to be gut-punched.

-  Do you think Wilson Ramos is more like the next Johnny Bench or the next Mickey Cochrane?  Nevermind, I'm being silly.  He's the next Matt Wieters.  Who, by the way, has 3x the home runs of your precious Joe Mauer.  Since HRs are the only really viable way to evaluate a hitter, I'd say it's clear Wieters is tops.  Other than Ramos.

-  Asian guy is now telling some sob story about how he has always wanted to be a marine biologist ever since he saw a dolphin get killed in a net when he was a kid but his family all wanted him to follow in his footsteps.  I didn't catch what it was they wanted him to be, but I'm going to assume ping-pong player.  And now he's humping Debbie Gibson.  Clearly she's pretty easy if that story worked.  Eww Debbie.

-  Since we're talking about studs, guess how many AL third-basemen have a better batting average than Evan Longoria?  Zero.  Guess how many have a better OBP.  Zero.  Guess how many have a better SLG.  Zero.  Plus, he'll steal your girlfriend.  Such a pimp.

-  Some fighter guy like Maverick or Goose just got slapped out of the air by an octopus tentacle, which means I guess nobody learned anything from the plane that got eaten by the shark earlier.  Also, since I'm sure you want to know how awesome it looked, it was a screen of a plane, then a shot of a tentacle, then the guy inside the plane with red flights flashing and him yelling.  Then they cut to the people in the big ship running this whole operation and they were all sad.  This movie rocks.

-  Nice pony-tail, Lamas. 

-  I still don't get the switch from Sci Fi Channel to SyFy Channel.  I mean, you're basically going to get two reactions - either irritation or indifference, so what's the point?  Not really seeing an upside here.  This is the worst marketing decision since they eliminated Crystal Pepsi.

-  For a movie about a giant shark and a giant octopus (which doesn't and never has existed) there has been a stunning lack of footage of said monsters.  And not the good kind of tension building keeping the monster hidden like in Jaws, the bad kind.  Like that one time I accidentally watched a male model show - The girls never came!  The girls never came!

-  They're doing something with pheremones to attract the monsters or something, but for some reason these pheremones are a glowing fluorescent green, like the ooze from TMNT.  Oh my god!  Maybe it is the ooze, and when the octo and shark meet up and fight they'll break the container and the ooze will spill everywhere and create a giant Shark/Octopus hybrid!  That would be the greatest thing ever!  Please let this happen.  Or at least turn Lamas into some human/shark creature.  He'd probably be more articulate.

-  I've never watched a movie that utilized shaky camerawork more often.  It's worse than the Blair Witch Project.  More like if the Blair Witch Project was filmed by Michael J Fox.  Or any movie, really.

-  Sweet jesus.  The shark somehow disappeared from the radar of the navy battleship which is currently attempting to shoot it with torpedos.  We've already established this thing is at least 200 feet long.  Nice radar.  Must be american-made.  Oh, there is is.  It ate the ship, and then it ate the Golden Gate Bridge.  I'm assuming we're not in Alaska anymore, but with the fact-finding and accuracy we've seen in this movie who the hell knows.  I'm guessing it'll go after Big Ben next.  Not Roethlisberger.  He'd probably hump it while it tried to get away.

-  The  new plan is to drop nukes into San Francisco Bay (the shark) and somewhere in Tokyo that I don't remember (the octopus) in order to "avoid a global catastrophe."  I don't even know where to begin.

-  Awesome.  Now they are going to try to get them to fight and kill each other instead, because "Sharks and Octopi are natural enemies."  Good lord.  This seriously puts every other one of these movies to shame, even that one with the Baldwin brother.  Don't worry, I'll be back with another one after this.   I have something called "Mega Piranha" waiting for me.  Hard to get a better title than that.

-  I'm really sick of fantasy baseball.  Our pitchers just keep getting Greinke'd.  First off, we have Greinke, who has a 2.27 ERA and zero wins.  Then tonight, Cole Hamels goes 8 innings, gives up 1 run, no win.  Last night Mike Leake pitched a gem and got nothing.  It's not fair.  We have the best team by far (Wieters AND Longoria) by are just 2-2 because of cheaters and cheating and bad luck.  We should be 5-0, even though it's only been four weeks.  Yep, we're that good.

-  By the way, I really wanted to like V, but I just couldn't get into it.  I feel like I'm insulting my childhood.  Then again, a certain recent remake of a certain awesome classic kind of destroyed it already.  Unfortunately, I can't elaborate.

-  I see Wilson Ramos is 0-3 with a K right now tonight.  I know a little bit of regression to the mean is inevitable, but if he doesn't end up hitting at least .500 this year, I think you have to consider his season a failure.

-  I'm thinking Gardy should have stuck with his unbreakable routine and brought in Rauch to finish the game.  Oops.  (I'm getting back to the movie, I swear).

-  $20 says this movie ends with another message about the evils of global warming.

-  Debbie and Asian guy just had a really touching conversation via video computer phone.  He's apparently in Asian now which I guess makes sense, but they're in love or something which doesn't.  And their romantic talk involved some quote from my guy Julius Caesar, but it was a pretty gay one.  The whole thing was awful.  Kind of gave me a hankerin' for watching Anakin and Padme.

-  Mmmmmmmmmmmm.....Padme.  Remember in the second movie how the somehow manages to rip her shirt just perfectly to get some nice mid-riff action?  I couldn't decide if that was awesome or stupid, and I still can't decide.  I know I didn't complain though.

-  Ok, so if you're going to make a movie with two giant sea creatures, and advertise in your title that you have two giant sea creatures, do me a favor and have some kind of a special effects budget so most of the time you can show the creature instead of just shake a camera and when you do show it it doesn't look like it's out of Super Mario Brothers.  Seriously, the octopus looks just like this:

 -  I quite literally have no idea what is going on anymore, but Debbie Gibson just punched some dude out (unfortunately not Lamas.  or the Asian guy) and then somebody said "Ice Wall!  Right Ahead!" which I think was supposed to be an homage to Titanic.  This is pretty surreal.  But not in a good way in the least.

-  So the Shark and Octopus are fighting, just like in Debbie's master plan (as natural enemies are wont to do), and they're actually showing the fight.  Sort of.  They're also using the shaking camera manuever, and when they do show them it looks like something I could create in the bathtub using Wonderbaby's toys pretty easily.  And she doesn't even have an octopus.

-  How do they keep losing the creatures on their radar?  This is about the fourth or fifth time.  Way to keep going back to the same plot device over and over again.  And, speaking of, we now have more shaking cameras.  I really can't stress enough how prevalent this has been.  This movie is as predictable as a Jesse Crain outing.  As shaky, too.

-  The octopus from Super Mario just squeezed the asian guy in half, but $50 says he shows up again because he and Debbie are in love and we need a happy ending to get us all through the day and our pathetic lives.  Also I'm betting we aren't getting any TMNT ooze ending, which is a total bummer.

-  I think they're looping the footage from the octo/shark fight.

-  And the two creatures actually managed to kill each other, which is obviously super realistic.  And there's asian guy to give us a little more Anakin-level banter in case you needed a little more.  Just fantastic.  I've seen a lot of crappy movies, but this is the worst.  Other than Jumper.

-  And we're set up for a sequel, because some old guy just gave our heros a file and said "here's something else" or some similar line.  They better not be in Piranha.  I can't take it again.

-  Well there you have it.  I hope you enjoyed this, because I sure as hell didn't, and I'm once again questioning why I keep doing this to myself.  It must be for you, because I love you.  Seriously, though, if I have to choose between a Giant Shark and a Giant Octopus, I'm going with crab juice.

-  And just so this night isn't a total loss, here is a picture Snake snapped of a guy who was sitting near us at the Twins game we went to on Monday.  I'm not even going to go with any commentary, I think it speaks for itself.

Week in Review - 4/4/2010

Baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball.  Seriously, this NCAA hoops championship matchup really sucks, but at least we have baseball.  Hell, I even enjoyed the hell out of the Yankees/Red Sox last night, and usually I'd rather die than watch those two teams play.  Now, if some of their fans want to go at it, who am I to stand in the way?

God bless baseball.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Harrison Barnes.  Did you happen to check out any of the McDonald's All-Star festivities this week?  If you did, you would have definitely noticed Harrison Barnes.  First was all the goofy stuff, in which Mr. Barnes finished third in the three-point competition and third in the skills competition while eschewing the dunk contest because he was too pimp and knows that dunk contests are for the same people who love monster truck rallies and Big Buck Hunter.  Then he went out and dominated the actual all-star game, scoring 18 points and grabbing I think something like 40 rebounds.  He is going to be a beast.  Remember the part where I said he finished third in both the skills competition and the three-point contest?  Yeah, he's also 6-7.  And I read where somebody called him "the most competitive high-school player since Kobe Bryant."  I have no idea what that means since I never saw Kobe in high school, but I have to imagine it's some kind of compliment.  Should've picked the Gophers, Harrison.  Your bad.

I should also mention that soon to be Duke PG Kyrie Irving's favorite book is Catcher in the Rye, which automatically means I'm a big fan of his and he's now my second all-time favorite Dookie behind Ricky Price, who was god on Coach K for the Genesis.

2.  Missouri State/Virginia Commonwealth.  Congrats to these two teams for winning their tournaments, Mizz State the CIT and VCU the CBI.  Unlike the NIT you can actually take pride in winning these two tournaments (more on that below).  Your team sucked and wasn't worthy of an NCAA bid and probably had no shot since day one, but you get to keep playing against other semi-crappy teams and if you win you've proven you're the best of the lousiest.  Hey, it's something.  Better than being Iowa.

3.  Eric Hayes.  I know you don't know who this is, so I'll just tell you.  He's a graduating senior guard on Maryland who averaged 11 pts and 4 assists per game this season, but more importantly he took his 45% three-point shooting to the NCAA Three-point contest earlier this week and won the whole thing, and dominated while doing it.  He posted the best score in each of the three rounds while shooting his way past guys like Ryan Wittman, Jason Bohannon, and other assorted whities to grab the title and join the prestigious list of past winners which includes nobody who I can remember right now.  And that's really I have to say about Eric Hayes.  You can expect Blake to be in this thing next year.

4.  Butler.  I have no idea why I'm not solidly behind Butler.  I mean, I'll be rooting for them since they're playing Duke who are all gays or jerks or gay jerks, but I'm just not buying into the whole underdog thing.  Maybe it's too much of being shoved down my throat and all the retarded comparisons to Hoosiers.  I don't know.  I just know that I'm not a Butler fan.  Except for tonight.  Tonight I will be praying to god that Butler wins, and you know God cares about this one because everybody knows Duke is Satan's team.

5.  The Taco Hawks.  Seriously you guys, me and Snake's Fantasy Baseball team (named after former WKU star Orlando Mendez-Valdez) is just stacked.  Check this out:
C - Matt Wieters.  See here
1B - Justin Morneau - 30 homers + fun factor?  Perfect.
2B - Rickie Weeks - he walks often and has power, expect a big year after his injury last season
3B - Evan Longoria - you know you have a crush on him too
SS - Jason Bartlett - last year wasn't a fluke.  Nice trade, Twins.
OF - Matt Kemp - 30/30 is his downside
OF - BJ Upton - he's back, baby.
OF - Jason Kubel - yet another MVP candidate on our team
UT - Billy Butler - keeps getting better

SP - Zach Grienke - will probably win 20 even on that shitty team
SP - Cole Hamels - thanks for letting him slide, draft-mates
SP - Chad Billingsley - a lock for 20 wins
SP - Tommy Hansen - stud
SP - Matt Garza - yes, that's five Cy Young candidates on our team
RP - Rafael Soriano - plenty of chances for saves with the Rays
RP - Jon Rauch - Believe it.

And that's without even getting into the potential breakout pitchers on our bench - Stephen Strasburg, Homer Bailey, and Madison Bumgarner.

I told you - we're stacked..  And we did it without a single Yankee, Red Sock, or White Sock, so there are no dirty feelings.  Although you should know Snake was pushing to take Jeter around the fourth or fifth round.  Ick.


WHO SUCKED

1.  J'mison Morgan.  No, he's not here for that horrendous spelling of his name, but because he seems like he might be following the Jaron Rush school of squandering your talent.  Morgan was the #25 recruit coming out two years ago and the #4 center in his class.  Since signing with UCLA, however, he hasn't done much and was dismissed from the team earlier this week.  Morgan was suspended for a game in early March for missing a meeting and didn't play in either of the Bruins Pac-10 Tournament games, and pretty much struggled with being fat all season long.  When he did play he didn't do much, averaging just 2.1 points and 1.1 rebounds per game over his two years, with career highs of 8 points and 4 rebounds.  UCLA has now lost Morgan and Drew Gordon this season, but honestly they're probably better off.  Howland really needs to recalibrate his recruitilizer before he ends up without a team.  I hear Monson is gunning for the UCLA job.  Also nice name, jackass.

2.  Dayton.  I know that I've ever said anything good about Dayton, and I'm not going to start now just because they won the NIT.  Hey morons, how about you play like this during the season, actually live up to expectations and make the NCAA Tournament instead of winning something that almost ten people in the whole world even know is going on.  Chris Wright, Marcus Johnson, and Chris Johnson all had a couple of really nice games in Madison Square Garden in the Flyers' wins over Ole Miss and UNC, but where were you all season long?  If you were a little more consistent you wouldn't have lost to St. Louis.  Or Duquesne.  Or St. Joe's.  I swear winning the NIT is nothing more than a reminder that your team shit the bed and way underachieved all season long.

3.  West Virginia.  Da'Sean Butler didn't bother to show up until the game was mostly out of hand, the Mountaineers played basically zero defense and little offense, they couldn't keep Zoubek off the glass, and for some unfathomable reason Bobby Huggins never went with the 1-3-1, despite the fact that it was the team's go-to defense all year long and that man-to-man was doing nothing but giving Duke wide open looks.  If you were worried about going zone against a team with shooters like Duke, trust me, they couldn't have gotten more open.  Just an ugly, crappy, shitty game by a Mountaineer team that on Saturday didn't come close to resembling the team they were all season long.  Ugly. 

4.  Chicago Cubs.  Guess who the Cubbies' fourth starter is this year?  Come on, guess.  You'll never get it.  It's Carlos Silva.  It seems he's not only still in baseball, which seemed unlikely enough, but also beat out Jeff Samardzjia and Sean Marshall, which means those two should probably start considering killing themselves - or, failing that obvious move, retire.  I can't even come up with anything else to say here.  Carlos Silva won the fourth spot in the Cubs' rotation really just speaks for itself.

5.  Red Sox.  They actually allowed the Yankees to pull off the double steal, first and third thing.  Seriously, what is this, little league?


Finally, I leave you with the following:

"The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and what could be again."

National SemiFinal #2

I'm still basking in the glow of the world's greatest fantasy baseball draft, but I'm also basking in sitting in my bed with a Michelob Golden Draft Light 12 oz. can and watching the basketball game on a 19 inch television and since I'm here I see no reason why I should hide my most intimate thoughts with you, dear friend.  Keep in mind that I have made my biggest bet ever on this game, a 15-unit wager on WVU +2, so I care more than I probably should.  I also know that Snacks is "All in" on West Virginia.  I don't know how much money that actually encompasses after the Michigan State loss left him a broken man who stopped watching at the ten minute mark, but at least he's on my side.  I also know that Bogart has 5 units on WVU scoring first.  Let's get to it.

20:00 - Oh, I also have 5-to-win-15 that the first basket of the game is a 3-pointer.  Had the same bet in the first game and it hit, so if it hit here it would just be gravy.

20:00 - I hate Duke so much.  Other than this chick, I mean;

20:00 - Stay with me now, perv.  Eyes up top.

20:00 - You realize the Gophers beat Butler, right?

20:00 - I just read something where the guy was saying that Butler winning is terrible for CBS.  What?  That's the best thing that could have happened.  The only people who care about Michigan State are their own fans, die-hard college hoop junkies who were going to watch anyway, and gamblers.  Causal fans are going to be interested in the Butler story.  Hell, I told Mrs. W about Butler and even she's interested.  And I can tell you this month, like every March, she is so sick of college basketball right now she's probably strongly considered taking a croquet mallet to my cubes.  And yet, she perked up a bit when I told her about Butler and all the blah blah crap.  So, in conclusion, that guy who wrote that thing is an idiot.

20:00 - I hate it when they don't tell you the major of the players when they do the intros.  I bet at least 4 out of 5 WVU starters are majoring in African American Studies and the other guy is in Communication.  And what do the Dukies major in?  Like, is Singler majoring in Bio-Chem and Nolan Smith in Genetic Engineering?  Or are they in Communication too?  I seriously want to know this.  Someone go look it up.

20:00 - AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGgghhhhhhhhhh!  Sorry, I thought there was a gigantic female chicken running lose.  It was just Singler.  My bad.

19:49 - 5 second call on Mazzulla to open the game.  They already miss Bryant.

19:12 - WVU with a blocked shot on Singler and a offensive rebound already in the first minute.  They're going to athletic Duke to death. 

18:54 - And Mazzulla throws his layup attempt over the backboard.  It might be time to sit him down for a few minutes, ask him why exactly he's attempting to take over the game when he averages like 6 points per game.

18:10 - Easy lay-up for Wellington Smith to tie the game at 2.  If Huggins doesn't melt down WVU could end up running away with this, they look far better than Duke.  And there's a third blocked shot by the Mountaineers.  This is like that scene in Rushmore where Bill Murray rejects that dumb kids shot.

16:39 - Well somehow Duke is up 7-4 after a Scheyer three.  And since I know you're wondering, no, Scheyer didn't close his mouth at any point, and he's seriously threatening Tyler Hansbrough's NCAA record streaking of never ever closing his mouth. 

15:12 - Between this Robin Hood movie and Clash of the Titans I am as amped for movies as I have ever been.  I think the only times I've been more exited were when Lord of the Rings were coming out (happy about the result), the Star Wars prequels (so-so), and Jurassic Park 3 (kill me in the neck).

14:41 - Shot clock violation on Duke for being gay.  Time for WVU to get after it.  And there you go, they go inside and get a foul.  Kevin Jones misses both, of course, but at least they got the ball inside.

13:57 - Jesus Duke is just shredding the WVU defense at this point.  They can't stop penetration (like your mom) and can't seem to figure out a high pick-and-roll.  This does not bode well.

13:26 - At least Singler is still shooting like that guy at the Y who sucks but thinks he's good so he always shoots no matter what even though he hasn't hit a shot in a month.  And as I say that WVU throws up an airball from 15.  You can tell they're feeling a lot more pressure than the Dukies right now, even though the pressure should be the other way around.  Because all of the media really want to give the Duke players handies if they win, and the Duke players really want handies, so that's why.  Feel free to re-arrange that sentence into something more coherent.

12:30 - That perimeter handoff is not supposed to result in any easy layup for Duke.  Everybody runs that play, and unless you are the Gophers and you're playing Wisconsin it doesn't ever work.  Until tonight.  It's only 13-9 Duke but I think this one is over, and I'm going to have to root for freaking Butler.

11:05 - And the big giant chicken hits a three.  18-11 Duke.  The Blue Devils are hitting everything, and it's not luck, it's just piss poor defense.  Huggy Bear needs to do something here (he called timeout), but I think we're in trouble folks.  Huggins isn't exactly what I consider a great good mediocre adequate fair in-game coach.  God I hate Duke.  More like Puke, am i right?

10:55 - You know one thing I hate about summer?  Those people who are a little too into grilling, you know what I mean?

7:50 - A second three of the game for WVU's Flowers and it's 23-21 Duke.  Flower si s aguy who was something like 6-20 from three on the season, but that makes both Duke and Kentucky who basically played defense on him by backing off in the lane and daring him to shoot, and he hit a huge one against Kentucky and like I said that's now two tonight.  I don't get it.  He's 6-20, not 0-0.  It's obviously not a huge weapon of his, but he's not worthless out there as if he was Al Nolen or something either.

6:16 - This is the worst game I've seen WVU play all year.  Poor defense, tentative offense, just sick.  Duke now up 31-21, and Huggins is barking at his players which means this one is done.  Almost not even worth watching.  I'm going to try to hedge my bet a bit with a live bet on Duke.

5:47 - God Mazzulla is basically Al Nolen without the defense.  He can drive, but he just jump stops and picks up his dribble with no idea what he's doing.  And then Duke misses, offensive rebounds, and hits a three.  Ugh.  Can't this at least be entertaining?  37-24 Duke. 

3:44 - Alright let's move on to 2011.  I'm predicting Michigan State to win it all.  And speaking of winning it all, have you heard about me and Snake's fantasy baseball team?  Wow, just crazy good.  Want to hear our starting pitching staff?  Greinke, Hamels, Billingsley, Tommy Hanson, and Matt Garza.  Wow.  And waiting in the wings we have have Strasburg, Homer Bailey, and Madison Bumgarner.  Yeah, we're loaded.

3:40 - 5 seconds on Duke trying to inbound.  This is the break we need.  LET'S GO MOUNTAINEERS.

3:22 - Ebanks with a nice move for two, 37-28 Duke.  I feel a run coming except then instead Nolan Smith found a wide open layup.  I can't get over this suddenly shitty WVU defense.  It's just awful.  Duke currently shooting 59%.  Ridiculous. 

2:54 - Ebanks with another nice move and a three-point play.  He's single-handedly keeping this from being a blowout.  Where the hell is Butler?  1-4 for two points.  Nice job assface.  You're telling me he can't score on Lance freaking Thomas?  Disgusting.

0:47 - Christ, Zoubek must have 10 rebounds already.  I have no idea what is going on.  This West Virginia team is not the same team I saw all year and bet on.  Huggins you killed yet another talented team somehow.  This guy is a bigger choker than Darius Washington.


0:00 - 39-31 Duke at half.  I'm no so much worried about the score, but the defense of WVU is just crap right now.  CRAP I SAY!!!

20:00 - Ok I'm back.  Took a short break there to watch an episode of the Office ("Frame Toby", hysterical) and grab a couple of Stroh's Lights out of the fridge.  Yep, Stroh's Lights.  WVU doesn't deserve better right now.

19:49 - Da'Sean Butler and Nolan Smith are basically complete opposites of each other right now. 

19"17 - Mazzulla hits from 17.  I guess he's not like Nolen after all.

18:59 - Wide open jumper for Singler.  And I mean WIDE open.  This is baffling.

17:27 - I can't quite give up on WVU as Wellington hits a three to make it 36-43, but they need to get their defensive scheme figured out in a hurry because Duke is one short run away from blowing them out.

16:04 - Duke just not missing.  This is like the opposite of watching Trajan Langdon in a Final Four.  WVU hanging in, but right now if feels like when the Gophers played Xavier and you knew they were basically just holding on for dear life and any moment they were going to be out of it.  WVU just hanging on by a thread.

15:21 - Another open Sheyer three wins me my OVER 14 threes for the game bet, but that is pretty meaningless considering I have 15 units on WVU.  This sucks.

13:43 - Another Duke layup and it's 51-42.  This is like watching the Gophers play defense.  I probably won't post anything else.  Game over.  I suck.

12:41 - Huggins completely melting down and just started screaming at Flowers.  If it wasn't over already (it was) it's over now.  Guy is really not a very good coach.  I have no idea why I was backing him so hard.  Pretty sure it was nothing but anti-Duke bias coming through. 

11:44 - Looks like Nolan Smith took a nice shot to the nads.  Of course it would happen to the only duke dick that I don't hate.  I would pay good money for somebody to take a shot at Singler's giblets.

11:44 - Technical on Duke for hanging on the rim after dunking back a miss.  Butler shoots the free-throws and makes both, which is one more field goal than he has on the night.  That should tell you what kind of night it is.

10:35 - I just took the Yankees to win tomorrow night for a unit, just to make me feel better. 

10:02 - I'm sad.

8:59 - I'm almost positive Huggins is trying to make out with Da'Sean Butler who is down after some kind of knee injury.  This probably actually a good coach/player moment but it looks really creepy on TV.  Also Duke is up 63-48 and I'm guessing with Butler now out and being carried off that takes whatever energy/motivation WVU might have had left and kills it.  Duke's going to win by 25.

6:37 - It upsets me greatly that Duke is going to win the National Championship.

0:00 - Well that ended up being pretty boring.  At least they hit the over.  I can't believe I'm going to be rooting for Butler.

Final Four Picks

I'm not going to get into a whole analysis at this point because to be honest I've somewhat checked out and am in full on baseball mode now.  I still care who wins and will still watch and enjoy the games and root against Duke, but with the Twins getting going and our fantasy baseball draft last night I'm way more in hardball mode.  And we just rocked the draft.  Just killed it.  Sorry, Elk, but it's true.  We're easily the favorite to win the whole thing, and it wouldn't be a huge surprise if we went undefeated.

I'm not going to dwell on it too much because I'm pretty sure I'll go into a little more depth later, but let me give you a few highlights:  Matt Kemp in round 3.  Cole Hamels and Chad Billingsley in 5 and 6.  Garza in the 8th.  Wieters in the 11th.  Kubel and Billy Butler in 13 and 14.  Michael Young in the 17th.  Strasburg in the 18th.  Madison Bumgarner and Homer Bailey with our last two picks.  Yes, we really made all those picks in those rounds.  I know it seems hard to believe.  Team Taco Hawks is loaded for complete and total domination.

Ok, now that that's clear here are the Final Four picks, in order of confidence:

WVU +2 vs. Duke, 15 units (yes, 15)
Butler -1.5 vs. Mich State, 4 units
WVU/Duke OVER 133, 4 units
Butler/MSU OVER 126, 2 units
Summers -2pts vs. Hayward, 1 unit
Summers +2.5pts. vs. Mack, 1 unit
K. Lucious UNDER 2 three-pointers, 1 unit
Nolan Smith OVER 1.5 three-pointers, 1 unit

Also I want to point out that the line on Roy Halladay wins right now is 16.  I would highly recommend putting several units on the OVER.

GO MOUNTAINEERS!

First Fantasy Baseball Draft of the Year

I was so antsy for fantasy baseball that I signed up for a free yahoo league and drafted a team tonight. Things kind of fell apart because it moved too quickly (autodrafters) and it got to the point I couldn't cross people off my list so I kind of had to wing it (and also I was drinking). Here's where I ended up

C - Matt Wieters (buying into the hype)
1b/3b - Chris Davis (ditto, but with some production to back it up)
2b - Howie Kendrick (sort of ended up here by default, could be worse)
3b - Aramis Ramirez (got him when I didn't realize it was my turn and I timed out, but I was considering him here anyway so it's ok)
SS/2B/OF - Alexei Ramirez (good in the outfield, awesome as a SS)
OF - Grady Sizemore (40-40 this year?)
OF - Matt Holliday (leaving Coors will hurt, but I still think .300/.370/.500 with 25 homers and 20 steals is possible and even likely)
OF - Justin Upton (LOVE this guy this year. LOVE him.)
UTIL - OF Lastings Milledge (either going to breakout this year or whither away, betting on the breakout)

BENCH- SS Orlando Cabrera (don't particularly like him, but need a backup SS)
BENCH - 1B/3B/C Pablo Sandoval (could be a rookie of the year candidate in the NL, and qualifies at catcher)
BENCH - OF Carlos Gomez (so call me a homer. He gives me steals if nothing else - or at least did the first half of last year. Plus, Snacks says he will be thirty/thirty someday)

SP - Tim Lincecum (what's there to say - dude rocks)
SP - Rich Harden (don't particularly care for this pick - should have taken Cliff Lee or Felix Hernandez - both were available - instead. If Harden stays healthy it could still work)
SP - Ricky Nolasco (quietly had a great year last year, and PECOTO loves him)
SP - Zack Grienke (I dissed him last year, but now studying the numbers I can admit he looks like the real deal - not JD Durbin)
RP - Mariano Rivera - seems old and all, but a 0.67 WHIP last year? I bet this dude is throwing PECOTA into a tizzy, who could compare?
RP - Jose Valverde - 44 saves last year, and also is a free agent this year and will likely be traded to a contender = more saves
RP - Chad Qualls - PECOTA doesn't like him, but like F computers man. Bobby Fischer rules!

BENCH - SP Justin Duchscherer - was an all-star last year before getting hurt, and was helped by an insane .238 BABIP. Still, seems like a good gamble with one of my last picks.
BENCH- SP Jason Schmidt - I have no idea what to expect since he hasn't pitched since like 2005. Other choice here was Ian Snell of the Pirates, and although he is supposed to have potential the fact that he got the crap kicked out of him last year and he pitches for an awful team scared me away. Who knows, Schmidt might work out.

Guys I love who I missed - Evan Longoria, BJ Upton, Cole Hamels (:sadface:), Carl Crawford, Dan Haren, Nick Markakis, Matt Kemp, Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, Jon Lester, Francisco Liriano, James Loney, Conor Jackson, Scott Baker, Carlos Guillen, Alex Gordon, Chris Iannetta (shut up Sidler), Adam Jones. I also left Jason Kubel out there. It makes me sad inside. Maybe I should drop Gomez, but I might need the steals.

Fantasy Baseball Draft - Catch the Fever

The Sidler and I co-own a fantasy baseball team and our draft was tonight. What better way to kick off baseball season than a running diary of our draft together.

We will be communicating over yahoo messenger, while drafting with a group of people in the Milwaukee area on a community chat. Actually, Stevens Point to be specific, home of Point Special beer, Terry Porter, and Grandslam's ex-girlfriend.

We've finished 5th, 1st, and 2nd in our three years together in this league and plan to dominate once again. There are 10 teams in the league, and we pick ninth. Lineup is C, 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, OF, OF, OF, OF, Middle-Infielder, Corner-Infielder, Utility, and 9 pitchers. Hoping to grab Jimmy Rollins, David Wright, Jose Reyes, Johan Santana, or Albert Pujols at 9. Two of that group at 9th and 12th would be great. Somehow Pujols is slipping in drafts due to injury concerns, despite being in the top 9 of MVP voting all seven years of his career - he'd be a steal. Some other sleepers we like: Nick Swisher, Alex Gordon, Howie Kendrick, Billy Butler, Nick Markakis, Lastings Milledge, Dontrelle Willis, Dustin McGowan, Micah Owings, BJ Upton, Geovany Soto, Adam Jones, and Rickie Weeks.

6:02 - ARod goes first. Big surprise. Way to think outside the box.

6:04 - Followed by Hanley Ramirez, David Wright (who we had last year), Jose Reyes, and Jimmy Rollins. That's a lot of shortstops.

6:05 - By the way, easiest money ever is tonights NIT game, with Cal +8 at Ohio State.

6:06 - Next Miguel Cabrera, Matt Holliday, and Chase Utley leading up to our pick. Do we go Santana or Pujols? We decide to go with Johan. Never had him as a Twin, but now we get him in the NL. He could very well go ahead with a sub 2.5 era and a WHIP under 1 in the NL.

6:10 - Pretty happy with the turn, as we end up picking Albert Pujols to go with Santana. Domination has begun.

6:13 - Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder go in the next couple of picks, which is no surprise with a Brewer-centric group. Expect all kinds of crazy Brewers to go way earlier than they should. Also, we're not going anywhere near any Twins other than maybe Delmon Young.

6:15 - Brandon Phillips goes, and I'm not really even sure who he is. I mean, I know he's a second basemen for the Reds, and he's good, but I've never even seen an at bat. He could be black, white, or chinese for all I know. Stupid national league.

6:17 - Jake Peavy goes at the turn, ending our dream of a Santana/Peavy top of the rotation. Luckily, he pairs Peavy with Alfonso Soriano, the first official crappy pick of the draft.

6:20 - CC Sabathia goes. Too bad his arm is going to fall off this year. You heard it here first.

6:30 - On our swing we grab Ichiro and Brian Roberts to get some speed, after getting sniped at the last minute on BJ Upton. I was all fired up too. Watch, Upton is going 30/30 this year, and we just effing missed him and took Roberts in a panic. At least we got Ichiro for the third straight year. Average, runs, and steals, year after year. Almost went with Mags, but Sidler dismissed him due to his "faggy hair." I'd have to agree, but instead we take Brian Gayberts.

6:37 - Bobby Abreu goes right after our pick. We used to have a man-crush on Fatbreu back when he was good. Now he sucks, and is officially the worst pick of the draft thus far.

6:39 - Josh Beckett gets picked, except that he got all fat and lazy this offseason. See picture above, I'm predicting health issues for him.

6:51 - Four picks away and we're hoping to get Troy Tulowitzki and Nick Swisher, just so we can get all the cool names to offset Brian Gayberts.

7:00 - Tulowitzki gets snapped up right before our pick, continuing a disturbing trend that really better not continue. We go with his buddy Garret Atkins, despite the fact that Sidler, "hates all rockies." Also pull an audible on the Swisher ick after we realize he's actually not good in fantasy terms. Decide to start a run instead, going with Papelboner, the first closer taken. Despite missing out on Upton and Tulowitzki, which really stings, I think we've still managed to pull ourselves together and look ok so far.

7:16 - We've officially reached the first "I hate everybody available" portion of the draft. Names being tossed around: Adam Dunn, Delmon Young, Russel Martin, Orlando Cabrera, Scott Kazmir.

7:19 - Have officially locked onto Russel Martin as the pick. Meaning he's likely to be taken right before us.

7:21 - Sidler suggests Chris Young (the outfielder) who hit all of .237 next year. Sidler's next suggestion: Nick Punto, I'm guessing. It's clear I'm the brains here.

7:25 - We manage to get Martin, our #1 catcher in the league. Yes, above the baby Jesus. After debating between Doc Halladay and Scott Kazmir, we go with Kaz, figuring between him and Santana, that's a ton of strikeouts. Of course, he'll probably get hurt and Halladay will blow up. We also miss out on Sidler's guy Adam Dunn. He's likely crying right now.

7:33 - And there goes Tori Hunter. Enjoy his .255/.304/.400 with 18 homeruns this year.

7:51 - In case you're wondering, there is no bench in this league, but if somebody is on the DL you can put them on our league's DL. Which is why we're going to take Curtis Granderson very late in the draft, and immediately move him to the DL and stash him for later in the season. It's moves like this that make me the Billy Beane of fantasy baseball.

7:57 - Chipper Jones goes right before us, and might end up being a steal for the dude who took him, if he stays healthy (doubtful). We grab Swisher, who we almost took four rounds ago, realizing he's the best power option right now, and follow him up with Takashi Saito, the Dodgers underrated closer. Torre knows how to use closers, and Saito should have an excellent year, if he's stays healthy.

8:04 - Granderson plan no longer valid, as someone who didn't know he was hurt grabs him. Next pick is Delmon Young who I have been wanting to draft for several picks but was assured "he'll still be there next time." I will now have to kill the Sidler.

8:11 - At about 2 picks every half hour, at this pace, with 11 picks left, we'll be done around 11pm. These things take forever.

8:22 - Francisco Liriano just went. Ballsy move, especially considering it sounds like he's going to start the year in the minors. For our picks, we go with OF Matt Kemp of the Dodgers, a guy I was hoping the Twins would get in some kind of Santana trade, and SP Tim Lincecum of the Giants. Might have grabbed Kemp a little early, but we've lost out on everybody and made our move. Assuming he gets full playing time and lives up to his potential, he could be a monster. Lincecum gives us another strikeout machine, and a funny name. Plus, if there's any kind of offense in San Francisco, he could have a very nice season.

8:36 - Mauer finally goes in the thirteenth round. I'm not big Mauer guy, but I thought it was getting ridiculous. We were considering grabbing him for utility, but as Sidler pointed out, if he's in the 2-spot with Gomez and Everett the two guys in front of him, he'll have about 18 rbi this year.

8:38 - My favorite closer of all-time, Trevor Hoffman, goes. If you want to know what makes him so awesome, watch this - with sound on:



It's far away, but it's the only video I could find with decent sound quality. Hells Bells is just a killer song to run out to.

8:44 - Still needing a shortstop, we grab Orlando Cabrera. Getting a SS late who can possibly give you 20 steals and a .300 average is a good deal at this point. As an added bonus, we can watch him shred the Twins over and over again. With our other pick, realizing closers are getting taken rapidly (Kerry Wood just went for Pete's sake) we grab Chad Cordero, the last closer we feel comfortable with. Giving us three save guys (Cordero, Saito, and Papelbon) and a good chance to finish high in the saves category.

8:54 - Someone I have never, ever heard of just got taken for the first time in some outfielder named Michael Bourn from the Astros. I have no idea who that is.

8:58 - Jeff Kent still plays baseball?

9:13 - We go with Todd Helton, to give us a little more power and Sidler's been hyperventilating over him for the past several rounds, and Ted Lilly. I'm not really a big Lilly guy, but I'm getting too bored and too tired to argue at this point. Helton is an excellent pick at this point. An upside of .300 with 20 hrs, 100+ runs and 80+ rbi is nice this late.

9:31 - Needing power, went with the biggest bat left available by far in Pat Burrell. He's boring, but you can pretty much pencil in a .260 average with 30 homers and 90 rbi, and we need homers and rbi. Follow that up with SS Jhonny Peralta, the best power option in the middle infield, with 20 homerun potential.

9:35 - Jon Lester before Clay Buchholz? What am I missing here?

9:38 - Apparently Buchholz has had a tough spring and will likely start the season in AAA. So that's why then.

9:49 - Scott Baker gets grabbed in the third to last round. We are currently debating if we should grab either Bonser or Slowey in the final round, just to have a Twin. We'd be passing on a guy like Jeff Francis or Matt Garza.

9:54 - Second to last turn to pick, we go with Derek Lowe and Billy Butler. Lowe is a good pickup this late to add to the rotation, especially since we're loaded on strikeouts and won't get hurt by his low K/9 rate. Butler is a pick on potential, and Sidler and I are both in love with how this guy can rake. Awesome late round pick as he has a chance to explode in full time duty this year.

10:08 - Just over four hours later, and we finally get to make our last pick, a guy we really wanted in Matt Garza. So no actual Twins, but Garza and Santana. Sweet.


Ended up with a pretty good squad. Or strength is pitching, as it seems to be every year, but our hitting should be solid. A lot of good hitters, with only Pujols a star, unless Kemp or Butler break out this year. Basically a solid hitting team all around, with nothing spectacular in the group, although they should score a good amount of runs and be in the top five of every category.

Pitching looks great, both the rotation and the pen. A rotation of Johan, Kazmir, Lincecum, Lilly, Lowe, and Garza looks like a great mix. Johan and Kazmir could be stars. Lilly and Lowe are veterans who aren't going to set the world on fire, but should be consistently above average, and Lincecum and Garza are young fireballers who have the potential to take a leap to the next level. All together, this group should strike out a ton of guys at the very least. The bullpen of Saito, Cordero, and Papelboner gives us three top 15 closers.

All in all, we're gonna win.

Best Fantasy Baseball Team Ever

C - Russel Martin, LA
1b - Prince Fielder, Mil
2b - Ian Kinsler, Tex
3b - David Wright, NYM
SS - Rafael Furcal, LA
OF - Jason Bay, Pit
OF - Michael Cuddyer, Min
OF - Vladimir Guerrero, Ana
OF - Juan Pierre, LA
CI - Adrian Beltre, Sea
MI - Scott Drew, Ari
Ut - Frank Thomas, Tor

SP - Jake Peavy, SD
SP - Kelvim Escobar, Ana
SP - Curt Schilling, Bos
SP - C. C. Sabathia, Cle
SP - Tom Glavine, NYM
SP - Daniel Cabrera, Bal
RP - Francisco Rodriguez, Ana
RP - J.J. Putz, Sea
RP - Dan Wheeler, Hou