I know I had mentioned that I was going to try to do a retro live blog of the NBA draft since I couldn't watch it myself, but I just couldn't do it. I already knew what happened. It's kind of like tivoing a Gopher basketball game, finding out the lost by 10, and then watching it anyway. You just wouldn't do that, because the fun of watching sports is watching an event with an uncertain outcome in which you are emotionally invested in the result. Knowing what happens and then watching is stupid. I know there are people who would tivo a game and then watch it even if they know the end result already. Those people are psychopaths.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Minnesota Timberwolves. I think they'd have been better off using #20 by either keeping Motiejunas or grabbing Marshon Brooks (or trading it for a veteran SG or C - Brad Miller is retiring) but I can be talked into Kahn's madness because #1 - it's fun and #2 - they did get a future 1st. The real reason I'm going to praise the mad man here is because, despite himself, he did the right thing and picked Derrick Williams - and kept him (at least thus far). In my opinion Irving is the surest thing - his downside is probably a long-time starter - but I think Williams has the most upside in the draft. I suppose this belongs in the back-handed insult department, but kudos to Kahn for not outsmarting himself even though it became abundantly clear he wanted to. So hurray for competence, accidental or otherwise.
2. JaJuan Johnson. The awesome thing for him is that he managed to get himself drafted in the first round, so like, congrats. What I'm really fascinated about, however, is that the player Snake and I have been calling "College KG" for four years because his skill set was so similar to KG (and Hakim Warrick, FYI) will now be playing with the real KG. I'd say he couldn't find himself in a better situation with the perfect player to pattern himself after on the same team, but the word "mentor" doesn't exactly come to mind when you think about Garnett. How is he going to react to a young, new player showing up who has the same game KG himself had 15 years ago? Fights? Verbal assaults? Undermining his confidence? Or maybe he'll actually see an opportunity to sort of live on after he retires by doing everything he can do help Johnson. I doubt it, and I'm thinking more of the pushing and yelling is likely, but I'm totally fascinated here. I've never watched Hard Knocks or whatever, but if they did a show like that on the Celtics this year I would totally watch. And just fast forward to the KG/JJ parts.
3. Evan Longoria. Big sexy is back, in case you missed him. Longoria struggled so far this year after returning from injury, but he finally broke out this week. Well, maybe not a total breakout, but in his last four games he has two 2-HR games, including Sunday's game against the Astros where he went 4-6 and missed he cycle by a triple. Interestingly enough, this little hot streak has started ever since Longo dropped the batting gloves which reminds me of this dude I played amateur baseball with. See, I hit with no batting gloves because I like to feel the wood (insert your own joke here). Snacks played on the team too, and he liked to wear eye black because it was the most effective way for him to keep the sun out of his eyes in the outfield. We had another guy who used a ton of pine tar, another guy who wore two big wristbands around his forearms, and another guy who wore his hat slightly cocked to the left. All these things were done because they worked for people. But then we had this one little weiner dork on on our team who did all of them - no batting gloves, eye black, pine tar, wrist bands, and hat cocked. God he was such a little idiot, and he sucked too. This really has nothing to do with Evan Longoria any more.
4. J.J. Hardy. Well the Twins didn't need him now did they? While the revolving door of Tolbert/Casilla/Nishioka/Plouffe has put up a combined .225 batting average and a whopping .339 slugging, Hardy hit as many home runs this past week (3) as Twins' shortstop have all year. He also has multiple hits in 6 of his last 7 games, and for the season has the 4th highest average of all MLB shortstops (.304), the second-highest OBP (.369), the highest slugging (.538), the highest OPS (.907), and the fourth most homers despite only playing in slightly more than half the team's games. Basically he'd be the best hitter on the Twins: only Kubel has a a higher average and he'd lead the team in both on-base and slugging and be tied with Cuddy for the HR lead at 10. Meanwhile Jim Hoey's averaged more than 2 base-runners allowed per inning in his 17 shitty innings. I hate you, Bill Smith.
5. Justin Verlander. I think he's a cyborg of some kind, sent from the future to rescue major league baseball from crappy, wussy pitchers who both suck and are marshmallow soft. Him and Roy Halladay (and maybe a couple of others) are just a completely different species. I've always wondered what would happen if Gardy was managing Verlander. Say it's the bottom of the 7th and the Twins were up 2-0, Verlander is at 98 pitches and just gave up back-to-back singles with Mijares warm in the bullpen. When Gardy goes out there to try to get the ball from him do you think they would actually get in a fist fight? Is there any way we can make this happen?
WHO SUCKED
1. Minnesota Twins. Well it's over. I hope you didn't get sucked into believing this team actually had the ability to turn around that 13-29 start or whatever it was. I know the weak division and sliding Indians and everything made things look possible, but all you had to do was keep looking at that lineup. 50% of that lineup every game should be hitting ninth, which, based on the rules of baseball as set down by the great Abner Doubleday, is illegal. I know injuries have played a huge part of it - the team only has four guys who have enough plate appearances to qualify for the batting title for christ's sake - but there were some pretty bad decisions made this offseason. Specifically not looking for a viable back-up catcher when you know your starter is a china doll who only plays 2 out of every 3 games when he is healthy, deciding, "yeah, we'll go to war with Alexi Casilla as an everyday regular even though he's failed year after year after year" and not getting someone, anyone, to be insurance in case Morneau wasn't ready. The season was set-up to be a high-wire toward success, and the team tipped over and has gone splat on the city street below. When you dig yourself a hole you can't weather a 5-game losing streak. 2 or 3, yeah. Five? It's over.
2. Sacramento Kings. Let me get this straight. First, the Kings trade the only guy on their roster who ever considers passing for John Salmons, a gunning ballsink with an absolutely enormous contract and the right to move down in the draft. Then they usually their newly acquired 10th pick to draft Jimmer Fredette so they can team him up with Tyreke Evans in their back court. This means their two starting guards both need the ball in their hands at all times and are both shoot first kind of guys, and their first man of the bench shoots the ball every time he touches it. I think the two second round picks they made in Tyler Honeycutt and Captain Circus Ball himself were solid, but that can't over shadow this insane roster. Fredette, Evans, Salmons, and DeMarcus Cousins? Is anybody ever going to pass the ball? And how quickly do you think Jimmer asks for a trade, before or after he's threatened with bodily harm by Cousins and/or Evans?
3. Adam Dunn. I'm going to admit that I was terrified when the White Sox signed Dunn. Since he basically only hits homers, walks, or strikes out and the Twins' pitchers don't walk or strike out anyone I figured he basically just stand at home plate and hit tape measure home runs all day. Turns out, however, the he's decided to completely suck instead. This entire week he managed all of 2 hits (which both came in a game where he got 7 at-bats) and struck out 14 times. 14 times in one week! I'm not a guy who looks at strikeouts as a huge negative, especially when balanced out with power, but holy crap that's ridiculous, especially when he's now struck out in his last seven consecutive at-bats and is now hitting .179 on the year with an OPS nearly identical to Luke Hughes. Of course, it's still higher than Justin Morneau's so there's that. Plus Morneau is a huge girl.
4. Madison Bumgarner. It already feels like it happened 100 years ago, but you remember Captain Stripper Name's game against the Twins, don't you? Let me refresh you: single, double, single, double, single, double, single, double, strikeout, double, gone. 1/3 ip, 9 hits, 8 runs allowed. Now he did bounce back with a good game last night against Cleveland, but I feel like when you get shredded in such an epic way these things need to be mentioned whenever possible. Especially when the team that shredded you ranks in the bottom 7 of all of MLB in runs scored, batting average, OBP, slugging, and OPS. God what a fun year this has been. I'm going to become a Lynx fan.
Just kidding.
5. All the idiots who shouldn't have entered the NBA Draft. There are always plenty of idiots who get bad advice and/or have an overinflated ego who go into the NBA Draft despite everyone knowing they have no chance of getting drafted or maybe a slight prayer at getting snagged in the second round except for them. Some of those geniuses this year include Terrence Jennings of Louisville, who could have been a major player in the Big East next year, Jereme Richmond of Illinois who had a ton of potential but didn't bother to let it develop, Willie Reed of St. Louis who never had a prayer, Josh Selby of Kansas, who did get picked in the late second but probably could have been a lotto pick in a year or two, and Jordan Williams of Maryland, who was also picked in the late second but, like Selby, could have ended up a lottery pick in another year or two. Well done, gentlemen. Well done. All of you will be awarded an Anderson Hunt Memorial Award for terrible draft decisions.
I finally started watching Game of Thrones. Best show on TV, and it's not even close. If you don't have HBO do yourself a favor and order it, download all the Game of Thrones episodes on HBO on Demand, watch them, realize how good this show is and how you've been wasting your time, and then cancel HBO after a month. Brilliant.
Showing posts with label Evan Longoria. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Evan Longoria. Show all posts
Monday, June 27, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday Musings
Why are weekends at the cabin always so exhausting? Seriously, I mostly just fished and drank, yet when I got home last night I was way too tired to even think of putting words down on a screen that about 13 people will probably read and are mostly stupid anyway. I suppose it's probably the drinking. Anyway, that's why there was no week in review post. I'll try to make it up to you by posting things right now instead.
- Might as well start with the obvious: the Twins are just ridiculous. Seven straight wins, 14-2 in their last 16, and now they're suddenly just 8 games out of first and in an actual position where the idea of them winning the division is no longer out of the question. And they're doing it with nobody. Kubel's on the DL. Morneau is on the DL. Thome is on the DL. Span is on the DL. Mauer just came off along with Nishioka. Valencia is banged up. Delmon Young is retarded. It's just amazing. I can't stand Gardy but maybe there's something to this "manager of the year" stuff.
Honestly I can't wrap my head around it. The team is being carried by Alexi Casilla and a bunch of other AAAA-types. Casilla is hitting .348 with 7 doubles over the last four weeks and even added a home run (which I thought had to have been a mis-speak when I heard it on the radio) over the weekend. Matt Tolbert has been a competent major league hitter. Danny Valencia is showing power. Cuddy is almost impossible to get out. Ben Revere has been a joy to watch, and even toothpick hitters like Jason Repko, Rene Tosoni, Hughesy, and those two dingleberry catchers are coming up with big hits. I completely understand why the White Sox and Ozzie are so terrified of the Twins. No matter how good the pitching has been (and it's been very, very good lately) a team regularly trotting out a lineup of Revere/Casilla/whoever is healthy and can hit/Cuddyer/Valencia/Hughes/Dinkleman/Butera/Tolbert should lose, approximately, 90% of their games. Instead the Twins have gotten hot. So stupid. Honest to god they're my favorite team but even I almost hate them for their ability to somehow constantly pull this shit off. But I don't. Go Twins. I'm starting to think we might even get to watch them get swept by the Yankees in the playoffs again.
- Couple quick U.S. Open notes, one good and one bad. First, how impressive was Rory McIlroy's win? (and no, I didn't have any money down on him to win). I really wish I would have had a chance to watch more of his play over the weekend, but unfortunately the cabin only gets channel 4, but man everything sounded good. He fired out with a 65 in the opener to take the lead, then followed that up with a 66 to give him the all-time best score to par through 36 holes at -11. Saturday he shot 68 and Sunday 69, which also gave him the all-time record for 54 and 72 holes, and an 8-shot US Open win (over Jason Day, who, incidentally, is going to win the PGA this year).
Now, clearly that's an incredibly stellar performance by McIlroy, either the most impressive or second most impressive major win every (along with Tiger's Masters), but I do think we need to ease back on the "where will McIlroy rank when it's all said and done" talk. It's still just one major. I know, it's very exciting that he's just 22 and has been on a roll that's had him in contention in every major lately but "the next Tiger Woods"? Really, Charch? I like McIlroy. Hell, he's one of my favorite golfers, but to get even halfway to Woods' major total - if he doesn't add to it - he'll need to win six more. If you had to lay money on him being more likely to win 0 more or 6 more in his career, which side would you take?
The 6 right, but it's a toughy. That's not the next Tiger. There probably isn't going to be one, so relax, nerd.
Secondly, I've gotten a couple of comments from people who read this shitty blog about how I always pick Hunter Mahan to win the U.S. Open, and it's true - I do. The reason is because his career was looking like it was built to win a US Open. His first three times playing in it, not counting 2003 - his rookie year, he finished 13th-18th-6th. When early in the 2010 season he broke through with his first win since 2007 at the Phoenix Open vs. a pretty good field, everything looked set for him to win his first major at the US Open at Pebble. So what's he do? Shoots 78-74 and misses the cut. I was heartbroken.
Then comes this year. He's been on fire: Seven top 10s this year, just one missed cut, and a run of 16th-6th-10th-13th in his last four starts which included the Players and the Memorial. Once again, looking like a good bet to win the U.S. Open. So what's he do? Fires a 74-73 and misses the cut again. Honest to god, this guy has gone from looking like an inevitable US Open winner to a complete US Open choker and I hate him like Super Sioux Fan hates delicious animals.
- Dustin Ackley. Look out folks, the starting second baseman for the American League All-Star Team for the next 12 years just arrived. Think Chase Utley without the chicken legs or weinerness. Guy can just flat out rake. As a freshman at North Carolina in 2007 he became just the fifth player in Tar Heel history to bat .400 for a season - and then went and did it again the next two years as well before being drafted #2 by Seattle. After a good 2-year run in the minors that included winning the MVP of the Arizona Fall League, Ackely made his Mariner debut over the weekend and collected his first major league hit, first major league triple, and first major league home run. He is going to be a star (and I think I'm officially in love with the Mariners right side of the infield). If you can, pick him up in your fantasy league and thank me later. Of course, if you're in my league you can't because I already have him. Neener neener neener.
- So I've been hearing lately that the Timberwolves might be considering trading the #2 pick now that Cleveland officially announced they were taking Kyrie Irving #1, which was frankly the most obvious thing in the world since that dude from Twilight announcing he's gay. The reason they are looking at trading the pick: Derrick Williams is the obvious pick and they have too many forwards? What. the. fuck. You won 17 games all of last season and now you're turning down best player available because of Michael Beasley and Wesley Johnson? I am not 100% against trading the pick or anything, but you better be getting a big haul - like 2 players and a top 10 pick, and that is exactly what I don't trust David Kahn to do. I suppose you never know what to expect from a team that once drafted four PGs in the same draft, but keep in mind this information comes from Paul Charchian so I'd say there's about a 20% chance it's true and a 98% chance it's douchey.
- Speaking of the draft, it looks like not only is Jimmer Fredette going to be a lottery pick but there are a handful of teams actively trying to trade up to get him. Again - what. the. fuck. Is the power of a white boy on the American wallet really that strong? The guy can score and is like a poor man's The Professor with the ball - I get it. But as I said after the NCAA Tournament, "Freaking amazing when he has the ball, right? Amazing shooter with unlimited range and a hair-trigger release, ability to get by a defender off the dribble and get into the lane, an excellent eye to find open teammates for easy hoops, and just amazing body control. Really an impressive player with the ball. But did you happen to notice him when he doesn't have the ball? I've never seen a lazier god damn player in my life. He does one of three things if he doesn't have the ball:
And I stand by that. Especially the race riot part.
- Wait. The NBA Draft is on Thursday? Holy shit. I got a lot of work to do. And I have stupid softball that night. DAMMIT.. I should just quit.
- Do you know who's closing for the Rays this year? Guess. Give up? It's Kyle freaking Farnsworth. Kyle Farnsworth. One one hand you could say he's been a quality set-up man who hasn't been given much of a shot at closing. On the other, more accurate, hand you could say he's inconsistent as hell and his career as a set-up man has as many god awful years as decent ones. I don't even care that he's been lights out this year there's almost no way this is going to continue. I'd say he's going to cost them a playoff spot, but my sexy boyfriend Evan Longoria is helping to do that too. I don't know, man, we're still going steady but with Justin Smoak and Dustin Ackley breathing down his neck and old flame Cole Hamels back in the picture I'm just not sure how much longer we'll last. I'm tempted man, tempted. It's like co-ed softball, but with dudes. Hot dudes.
- Did you know the Marlins have lost like 38 straight games? That may seem pretty irrelevant to you, but some of us took the Marlins to win over 81.5 games this year and just a few short weeks ago when they were 29-19 we were practically counting our money. Now they're 32-41 and I'm scrambling to figure out how to pay our next mortgage bill. Oh well. There's always winning the lottery. Also food stamps. THANK YOU OBAMA!
- Finally, it seems like a lot of people are kind of bored by this but it's the first "serious" sports movie that hasn't made me roll my eyes since He Got Game and the first sports movie period since Varsity Blues that I'm actually interested in so fuck you, Chris N. Sports, nerd stats, and the hottest man alive (and Brad Pitt, too)? I'm all in. Which, since I have two kids and zero free-time, means I'll probably rent it 3 weeks after it's out on DVD. Hooray for my stupid life.
- Might as well start with the obvious: the Twins are just ridiculous. Seven straight wins, 14-2 in their last 16, and now they're suddenly just 8 games out of first and in an actual position where the idea of them winning the division is no longer out of the question. And they're doing it with nobody. Kubel's on the DL. Morneau is on the DL. Thome is on the DL. Span is on the DL. Mauer just came off along with Nishioka. Valencia is banged up. Delmon Young is retarded. It's just amazing. I can't stand Gardy but maybe there's something to this "manager of the year" stuff.
Honestly I can't wrap my head around it. The team is being carried by Alexi Casilla and a bunch of other AAAA-types. Casilla is hitting .348 with 7 doubles over the last four weeks and even added a home run (which I thought had to have been a mis-speak when I heard it on the radio) over the weekend. Matt Tolbert has been a competent major league hitter. Danny Valencia is showing power. Cuddy is almost impossible to get out. Ben Revere has been a joy to watch, and even toothpick hitters like Jason Repko, Rene Tosoni, Hughesy, and those two dingleberry catchers are coming up with big hits. I completely understand why the White Sox and Ozzie are so terrified of the Twins. No matter how good the pitching has been (and it's been very, very good lately) a team regularly trotting out a lineup of Revere/Casilla/whoever is healthy and can hit/Cuddyer/Valencia/Hughes/Dinkleman/Butera/Tolbert should lose, approximately, 90% of their games. Instead the Twins have gotten hot. So stupid. Honest to god they're my favorite team but even I almost hate them for their ability to somehow constantly pull this shit off. But I don't. Go Twins. I'm starting to think we might even get to watch them get swept by the Yankees in the playoffs again.
- Couple quick U.S. Open notes, one good and one bad. First, how impressive was Rory McIlroy's win? (and no, I didn't have any money down on him to win). I really wish I would have had a chance to watch more of his play over the weekend, but unfortunately the cabin only gets channel 4, but man everything sounded good. He fired out with a 65 in the opener to take the lead, then followed that up with a 66 to give him the all-time best score to par through 36 holes at -11. Saturday he shot 68 and Sunday 69, which also gave him the all-time record for 54 and 72 holes, and an 8-shot US Open win (over Jason Day, who, incidentally, is going to win the PGA this year).
Now, clearly that's an incredibly stellar performance by McIlroy, either the most impressive or second most impressive major win every (along with Tiger's Masters), but I do think we need to ease back on the "where will McIlroy rank when it's all said and done" talk. It's still just one major. I know, it's very exciting that he's just 22 and has been on a roll that's had him in contention in every major lately but "the next Tiger Woods"? Really, Charch? I like McIlroy. Hell, he's one of my favorite golfers, but to get even halfway to Woods' major total - if he doesn't add to it - he'll need to win six more. If you had to lay money on him being more likely to win 0 more or 6 more in his career, which side would you take?
The 6 right, but it's a toughy. That's not the next Tiger. There probably isn't going to be one, so relax, nerd.
Secondly, I've gotten a couple of comments from people who read this shitty blog about how I always pick Hunter Mahan to win the U.S. Open, and it's true - I do. The reason is because his career was looking like it was built to win a US Open. His first three times playing in it, not counting 2003 - his rookie year, he finished 13th-18th-6th. When early in the 2010 season he broke through with his first win since 2007 at the Phoenix Open vs. a pretty good field, everything looked set for him to win his first major at the US Open at Pebble. So what's he do? Shoots 78-74 and misses the cut. I was heartbroken.
Then comes this year. He's been on fire: Seven top 10s this year, just one missed cut, and a run of 16th-6th-10th-13th in his last four starts which included the Players and the Memorial. Once again, looking like a good bet to win the U.S. Open. So what's he do? Fires a 74-73 and misses the cut again. Honest to god, this guy has gone from looking like an inevitable US Open winner to a complete US Open choker and I hate him like Super Sioux Fan hates delicious animals.
- Dustin Ackley. Look out folks, the starting second baseman for the American League All-Star Team for the next 12 years just arrived. Think Chase Utley without the chicken legs or weinerness. Guy can just flat out rake. As a freshman at North Carolina in 2007 he became just the fifth player in Tar Heel history to bat .400 for a season - and then went and did it again the next two years as well before being drafted #2 by Seattle. After a good 2-year run in the minors that included winning the MVP of the Arizona Fall League, Ackely made his Mariner debut over the weekend and collected his first major league hit, first major league triple, and first major league home run. He is going to be a star (and I think I'm officially in love with the Mariners right side of the infield). If you can, pick him up in your fantasy league and thank me later. Of course, if you're in my league you can't because I already have him. Neener neener neener.
- So I've been hearing lately that the Timberwolves might be considering trading the #2 pick now that Cleveland officially announced they were taking Kyrie Irving #1, which was frankly the most obvious thing in the world since that dude from Twilight announcing he's gay. The reason they are looking at trading the pick: Derrick Williams is the obvious pick and they have too many forwards? What. the. fuck. You won 17 games all of last season and now you're turning down best player available because of Michael Beasley and Wesley Johnson? I am not 100% against trading the pick or anything, but you better be getting a big haul - like 2 players and a top 10 pick, and that is exactly what I don't trust David Kahn to do. I suppose you never know what to expect from a team that once drafted four PGs in the same draft, but keep in mind this information comes from Paul Charchian so I'd say there's about a 20% chance it's true and a 98% chance it's douchey.
- Speaking of the draft, it looks like not only is Jimmer Fredette going to be a lottery pick but there are a handful of teams actively trying to trade up to get him. Again - what. the. fuck. Is the power of a white boy on the American wallet really that strong? The guy can score and is like a poor man's The Professor with the ball - I get it. But as I said after the NCAA Tournament, "Freaking amazing when he has the ball, right? Amazing shooter with unlimited range and a hair-trigger release, ability to get by a defender off the dribble and get into the lane, an excellent eye to find open teammates for easy hoops, and just amazing body control. Really an impressive player with the ball. But did you happen to notice him when he doesn't have the ball? I've never seen a lazier god damn player in my life. He does one of three things if he doesn't have the ball:
- Stand there
- Clap his hands and call for the ball.
- Run directly at his teammate with the ball and clap his hands while calling for the ball
And I stand by that. Especially the race riot part.
- Wait. The NBA Draft is on Thursday? Holy shit. I got a lot of work to do. And I have stupid softball that night. DAMMIT.. I should just quit.
- Do you know who's closing for the Rays this year? Guess. Give up? It's Kyle freaking Farnsworth. Kyle Farnsworth. One one hand you could say he's been a quality set-up man who hasn't been given much of a shot at closing. On the other, more accurate, hand you could say he's inconsistent as hell and his career as a set-up man has as many god awful years as decent ones. I don't even care that he's been lights out this year there's almost no way this is going to continue. I'd say he's going to cost them a playoff spot, but my sexy boyfriend Evan Longoria is helping to do that too. I don't know, man, we're still going steady but with Justin Smoak and Dustin Ackley breathing down his neck and old flame Cole Hamels back in the picture I'm just not sure how much longer we'll last. I'm tempted man, tempted. It's like co-ed softball, but with dudes. Hot dudes.
- Did you know the Marlins have lost like 38 straight games? That may seem pretty irrelevant to you, but some of us took the Marlins to win over 81.5 games this year and just a few short weeks ago when they were 29-19 we were practically counting our money. Now they're 32-41 and I'm scrambling to figure out how to pay our next mortgage bill. Oh well. There's always winning the lottery. Also food stamps. THANK YOU OBAMA!
- Finally, it seems like a lot of people are kind of bored by this but it's the first "serious" sports movie that hasn't made me roll my eyes since He Got Game and the first sports movie period since Varsity Blues that I'm actually interested in so fuck you, Chris N. Sports, nerd stats, and the hottest man alive (and Brad Pitt, too)? I'm all in. Which, since I have two kids and zero free-time, means I'll probably rent it 3 weeks after it's out on DVD. Hooray for my stupid life.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday Wonderings
A few quick, random thoughts while watching Francisco Liriano throw batting practice.
- Apparently Peyton Hillis is the cover boy for the next Madden and even weirder, he ended up the cover boy by winning a tournament against a bunch of other players which fans voted on. What? How can Peyton freaking Hillis win a popularity contest? The only people who would vote for Peyton Hillis are Browns fans, racists, people who won their fantasy league because of him, and racists who won their fantasy league because of them. I can see him beating Mike Vick (the guy he beat in the finals) because some people love dogs a little too much (and some people hate black people), but winning a whole tournament? I'm baffled. The only tournament Hillis should win is a tournament of people I know the least about.
- I know nobody pays attention the National League, but if you have you may have noticed that the Padres are possibly the worst offensive team in history - dead last in runs scored in the majors (just one less than the Twins - oy!) and last in runs per game. Bad enough that Orlando Hudson is their number three hitter, and bad enough to have scored just 8 total runs in their last seven games. It's a fantastic example of why wins are an awful way to measure a pitcher because Dustin Moseley has started five games and compiled an ERA of 1.99 (2nd in the NL) and a WHIP of 1.11 (14th) and yet he's 0-3. That's because in his five starts the Padres have won 5-3 (and didn't win until the 13th inning), 2-1, 1-0, 4-0, and 2-0. That's one run they've scored in the his last four starts. I know idiots like Bert Blyleven will talk about pitching to the game situation, but there's a reason he's won the big stupid idiot of the year award seventeen times. I assume.
- Eric Hacker with back-to-back bases loaded walks. That's not easy to do. Good thing they signed him to a major league deal, especially since he hadn't pitched in the majors since 2009 and probably would have taken a minor league offer. It's like if you're trying to lure a fatty into your van, you don't need to offer a t-bone steak because the fatty will climb on in for an Arby's junior roast beef. It's just common sense.
- Hold on to your panties, ladies, and hold on to your hearts, boys, because the third coming of Jesus is coming back on Tuesday. Yep, Big Sexy, Evan Longoria has started re-habbing and is scheduled to join the team on Tuesday. Although I'm sure his rehab isn't like normal people rehab. Probably a lot more banging chicks.
- Have you ever read Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne? Let me save you some time: don't. I figured it would be at least entertaining because hey, it's got dinosaurs so what the hell. But I'm 90% of the way through, other than a short Ichthyosaur vs. Plesiosaur (how sweet would that movie be) fight, and some Mastodons in the distance the dinosaurs have been non-existant. So far it's basically been a cartoon character, a mute, and a whiny narrator wandering around in a cave. Hell, there is more time spent on geology than dinosaurology. Big disappointment so far. Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World is infinitely better.
- Finally, the NFL draft is tomorrow, and although I usually make fun of people who take football too seriously and though the whole move to primetime last year was ridiculous, I ended up watching and actually enjoyed it. I won't be watching this year, however, because I will be making my slow-pitch softball pitching debut (weather permitting). Which probably means I will either walk 20 guys or end up with a broken face. Maybe both.
- Apparently Peyton Hillis is the cover boy for the next Madden and even weirder, he ended up the cover boy by winning a tournament against a bunch of other players which fans voted on. What? How can Peyton freaking Hillis win a popularity contest? The only people who would vote for Peyton Hillis are Browns fans, racists, people who won their fantasy league because of him, and racists who won their fantasy league because of them. I can see him beating Mike Vick (the guy he beat in the finals) because some people love dogs a little too much (and some people hate black people), but winning a whole tournament? I'm baffled. The only tournament Hillis should win is a tournament of people I know the least about.
- I know nobody pays attention the National League, but if you have you may have noticed that the Padres are possibly the worst offensive team in history - dead last in runs scored in the majors (just one less than the Twins - oy!) and last in runs per game. Bad enough that Orlando Hudson is their number three hitter, and bad enough to have scored just 8 total runs in their last seven games. It's a fantastic example of why wins are an awful way to measure a pitcher because Dustin Moseley has started five games and compiled an ERA of 1.99 (2nd in the NL) and a WHIP of 1.11 (14th) and yet he's 0-3. That's because in his five starts the Padres have won 5-3 (and didn't win until the 13th inning), 2-1, 1-0, 4-0, and 2-0. That's one run they've scored in the his last four starts. I know idiots like Bert Blyleven will talk about pitching to the game situation, but there's a reason he's won the big stupid idiot of the year award seventeen times. I assume.
- Eric Hacker with back-to-back bases loaded walks. That's not easy to do. Good thing they signed him to a major league deal, especially since he hadn't pitched in the majors since 2009 and probably would have taken a minor league offer. It's like if you're trying to lure a fatty into your van, you don't need to offer a t-bone steak because the fatty will climb on in for an Arby's junior roast beef. It's just common sense.
- Hold on to your panties, ladies, and hold on to your hearts, boys, because the third coming of Jesus is coming back on Tuesday. Yep, Big Sexy, Evan Longoria has started re-habbing and is scheduled to join the team on Tuesday. Although I'm sure his rehab isn't like normal people rehab. Probably a lot more banging chicks.
- Have you ever read Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne? Let me save you some time: don't. I figured it would be at least entertaining because hey, it's got dinosaurs so what the hell. But I'm 90% of the way through, other than a short Ichthyosaur vs. Plesiosaur (how sweet would that movie be) fight, and some Mastodons in the distance the dinosaurs have been non-existant. So far it's basically been a cartoon character, a mute, and a whiny narrator wandering around in a cave. Hell, there is more time spent on geology than dinosaurology. Big disappointment so far. Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World is infinitely better.
- Finally, the NFL draft is tomorrow, and although I usually make fun of people who take football too seriously and though the whole move to primetime last year was ridiculous, I ended up watching and actually enjoyed it. I won't be watching this year, however, because I will be making my slow-pitch softball pitching debut (weather permitting). Which probably means I will either walk 20 guys or end up with a broken face. Maybe both.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Week in Review 04.11.2011
Do you want to know what's really, really awesome? The burgers at The Blue Door Pub. There's only seating for about 25 people in the entire place so even at 6pm on a Friday night when most of the going out public is in Minneapolis following the Twins' home opener the wait was still an hour to get a table for four, but it was totally worth it.
We tried a variety of their burgers, from The Frenchy (stuffed with caramelized onions and swiss cheese and served with au jus) to the Cajun (stuffed with pepper jack and diced jalapenos) to the Luau (stuffed with mozzarella and Canadian Bacon and topped with grilled pineapple and a sweet chili lime sauce) and they were all awesome, as were the fish tacos, tator tots, and deep fried pickles. Add in an awesome selection of beer on tap and it might be my favorite restaurant ever. Of course, seeing as how long it takes to get seated I don't know if I'll be going very often but I really can't recommend it highly enough. Go there.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. The Masters. Now that, my friends, was a freaking awesome golf tournament. Really it had everything you could want: Tiger making a Sunday charge, the best of the young guns (McIlroy) and the most underrated (Day), vets who had won majors before (Ogilvy, Cabrera) and who were still looking for their first (Choi), two guys trying to drop out of contention for the best player never to win a major (Donald, Scott), and and the next in the line of South African studs (Schwartzel). Most importantly, outside of McIlroy's implosion, which happened early enough to not affect the enjoyment of the back 9, and fades from Bo Van Pelt and Choi on the back, everybody brought their A-game down the stretch. Donald's chip, Day's putts at 17 and 18, Scott's tee shot at 16, or any of Schwartzel's birdies from 15-18 could have been a signature moment, but this year's year's tournament was just stuffed with 'em, and was so competitive 8 different players had at least a share of the lead on the back nine on Sunday. Just insane. Such an awesome tournament, I can only hope the other three majors come close.
2. Edwin Jackson. Well shit. When the Sox were trying to maneuver to acquire Adam Dunn last year, the thought was they got Jackson from Arizona simply because they knew the Nationals were sweet on him and they would use him to try to facilitate a trade for Dunn. When the trade never materialized, it was awesome because it looked like they screwed themselves. Unfortunately for all those who hate the White Sox (which is everyone in the world outside Chicago and prisons) it looks like Jackson may be a keeper all by himself. His 8 inning, 4 hit, 1 walk, 13 strikeout performance against Tampa puts him at 2-0 for the year with a 1.93 ERA, 1.00 WHIP, and 20-5 Ks to BBs. He looks like he might actually be good and that's unfortunate because the team of evil deserves to have nothing good happen to them, ever.
3. Alex Gordon. It's taken forever, a bunch of false starts, a few really poor seasons, and a position change, but maybe, just maybe, Alex Gordon - former #2 overall pick in 2005 - has arrived. He's been in the majors since 2007 (with a few trips to AAA sprinkled in) and managed just a .244/.328/.405 over that time with about 1 HR ever 40 at-bats and twice as many strikeouts as walks, and he threw in shitty defense to round it out. Basically the kid was looking like a monster bust. This year, however, things may be looking up. He's currently hitting at a .357/.400/.548 while leading the league in hit and playing a passable left field. He's also showing some power, at least compared to his previous years, and has cut down a bit on the strikeouts. I'm not saying he's arrived, but he's finally looking like a competent player. Which brings the Royals total to 3.
4. Ty Lawson. It's not often I write about the NBA in the regular season. I pay attention in the playoffs, of course, because playoff NBA basketball is one of the most entertaining and skillful displays in any sport at any time, but the regular season is nearly as boring as the WNBA or your average Gopher men's home game. That being said, occasionally something happens that is so inexplicable and/or bizarre that I need to mention it, and that's why this part here with Ty Lawson is here. Lawson is a great penetrator and distributor and is fast as hell but going back to his days at North Carolina it's always been known as a terrible shooter. But naturally everything changes and gets flipped on its head when the Wolves are involved, and Lawson hit 10 of 11 three-pointers. That's 10 of 11 threes, including his first 10 (an NBA record) on his way to 37 points (a career high). Lawson's previous career high for three pointers hit in a game was three. THREE! God the basketball in this town sucks.
5. Trevor Plouffe. I don't know if he's the middle infield answer (more on Casilla later), but he's certainly showing he might be ready by destroying AAA pitching thus far this season. Rochester kicked off their year on Thursday and Plouffe started slowly going 0-4, but he's followed that up by going 3-5 with a double and a homer, 3-5 with a walk, a double and two homers, and 2-4 with a walk, bringing his early season line to .444/.500/1.056. Simply put, so far he's been completely on fire. Some may say it's early still and the Twins should wait and not bring him up yet, but those people are the same idiots who stare at a fire in the corner and wait until the entire house is ablaze before reacting. Come on Bill Smith, don't let the house burn down. We need some Plouffe.
WHO SUCKED
1. Alexi Casilla. I'm sorry, but this guy is not a shortstop and not a starting caliber bat at any position, possibly including National League pitcher. I'm not even sure he can throw the ball from the hole all the way to first, and just how many times this year are we going to see him dive to stop a ball, get up, and not get the guy or not even bother throwing the ball? Just don't even bother stopping the ball if you can't throw anybody out. And don't even get me started with the bat - he's just terrible. The worst part is that he's actually the best option right now, because the only other player who can play short on the major league roster is Matt Tolbert and we all know what a giant piece of crap he is. Honest to god, can we get Plouffe up here please? Maybe he's the answer and maybe he isn't, but at least he's got potential and brings hope to the position. Every time they read off the Twins lineup and say Casilla's or Tolbert's name a little piece of me dies inside.
2. Matt Thornton. I don't know why you'd bother giving the closer to anyone else when you have the nastiness that is Chris Sale - who might have the best stuff of any pitcher in the league - but for some reason the White Sox decided to roll with Thornton. He repaid that trust by going 0-2 in save opportunities this week, blowing the first against Kansas City (after they scored 3 runs on Joakim Soria to almost steal the game) and then followed that up by getting absolutely bombed for four hits and five runs against Tampa. The good news for the Sox, and bad news for all White Sox haters which I assume is everyone, is that they look like they may have moved the closer duties over to the unhittable Chris Sale, who picked up the save on Saturday (although he did give up a run). Hopefully, for the children and America, they stick with Thornton.
3. Tampa Rays. I know Evan Longoria is important - not just to the Rays but to all of Major League Baseball, the world, the safety of our nation, and the love in my heart - but it's pretty sad how Tampa has basically just given up after his injury. A pathetic 1-8 start to the year, and it's been even uglier than that. They currently rank dead last in the majors in runs scored, batting average, on-base percentage, and slugging percentage and in the bottom six in ERA, quality starts, and batting average against. Only B.J. Upton is hitting the ball remotely well and he leads the team in basically every batting stat, while the starting pitching has been atrocious and is backed up by a pretty poorly performing bullpen. This is really, really ugly. Who knew Longoria had this kind of effect on the entire team? Pretty clear he's the AL MVP at this point.
4. Austin Jackson. I like Austin Jackson. He's fast, a good fielder, and he can hit the ball with power and average - at least in theory - but he's been brutal this year. He's hitting just .184 this year (with an OBP of .244 and SLG of .289), but that's not even the most troubling part. That would be his impressive 14 strikeouts in just 38 at-bats, a pace that would leave him at 228 Ks for the year if he reaches the 618 at-bats he had last year - a new single-season record. Although I feel pretty safe saying that if he doesn't start getting some hits he'll be logging some of those ABs down on the farm. He's a free swinger and is always going to strike out a lot (and never really bothers to walk), but he needs to produce when he does put the ball in play, as he did last year. The weird thing is that his contact rate isn't even that bad at 76.5% (Carlos Pena is at 58.5% - worst in the majors) and you can have plenty of success even if you swing and miss frequently (Nelson Cruz is at 64.2%), but when he does hit the ball he's making terrible contact (4.3% line drives vs. 52.2% fly balls). Things are not lining up well for Mr. Jackson to turn it around. And yes, he's on our fantasy team. Joy.
5. UND Fighting Sue. I don't know anything about hockey and to be honest don't even completely understand most of their crazy rules, but I know gambling and I know the Sue were a huge favorite at -220 (meaning you'd have to bet $220 to win $100 - that's a huge favorite) so I know that them losing to Michigan was a pretty epic chocke job. I'll let Snake elaborate further:
We tried a variety of their burgers, from The Frenchy (stuffed with caramelized onions and swiss cheese and served with au jus) to the Cajun (stuffed with pepper jack and diced jalapenos) to the Luau (stuffed with mozzarella and Canadian Bacon and topped with grilled pineapple and a sweet chili lime sauce) and they were all awesome, as were the fish tacos, tator tots, and deep fried pickles. Add in an awesome selection of beer on tap and it might be my favorite restaurant ever. Of course, seeing as how long it takes to get seated I don't know if I'll be going very often but I really can't recommend it highly enough. Go there.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. The Masters. Now that, my friends, was a freaking awesome golf tournament. Really it had everything you could want: Tiger making a Sunday charge, the best of the young guns (McIlroy) and the most underrated (Day), vets who had won majors before (Ogilvy, Cabrera) and who were still looking for their first (Choi), two guys trying to drop out of contention for the best player never to win a major (Donald, Scott), and and the next in the line of South African studs (Schwartzel). Most importantly, outside of McIlroy's implosion, which happened early enough to not affect the enjoyment of the back 9, and fades from Bo Van Pelt and Choi on the back, everybody brought their A-game down the stretch. Donald's chip, Day's putts at 17 and 18, Scott's tee shot at 16, or any of Schwartzel's birdies from 15-18 could have been a signature moment, but this year's year's tournament was just stuffed with 'em, and was so competitive 8 different players had at least a share of the lead on the back nine on Sunday. Just insane. Such an awesome tournament, I can only hope the other three majors come close.
2. Edwin Jackson. Well shit. When the Sox were trying to maneuver to acquire Adam Dunn last year, the thought was they got Jackson from Arizona simply because they knew the Nationals were sweet on him and they would use him to try to facilitate a trade for Dunn. When the trade never materialized, it was awesome because it looked like they screwed themselves. Unfortunately for all those who hate the White Sox (which is everyone in the world outside Chicago and prisons) it looks like Jackson may be a keeper all by himself. His 8 inning, 4 hit, 1 walk, 13 strikeout performance against Tampa puts him at 2-0 for the year with a 1.93 ERA, 1.00 WHIP, and 20-5 Ks to BBs. He looks like he might actually be good and that's unfortunate because the team of evil deserves to have nothing good happen to them, ever.
3. Alex Gordon. It's taken forever, a bunch of false starts, a few really poor seasons, and a position change, but maybe, just maybe, Alex Gordon - former #2 overall pick in 2005 - has arrived. He's been in the majors since 2007 (with a few trips to AAA sprinkled in) and managed just a .244/.328/.405 over that time with about 1 HR ever 40 at-bats and twice as many strikeouts as walks, and he threw in shitty defense to round it out. Basically the kid was looking like a monster bust. This year, however, things may be looking up. He's currently hitting at a .357/.400/.548 while leading the league in hit and playing a passable left field. He's also showing some power, at least compared to his previous years, and has cut down a bit on the strikeouts. I'm not saying he's arrived, but he's finally looking like a competent player. Which brings the Royals total to 3.
4. Ty Lawson. It's not often I write about the NBA in the regular season. I pay attention in the playoffs, of course, because playoff NBA basketball is one of the most entertaining and skillful displays in any sport at any time, but the regular season is nearly as boring as the WNBA or your average Gopher men's home game. That being said, occasionally something happens that is so inexplicable and/or bizarre that I need to mention it, and that's why this part here with Ty Lawson is here. Lawson is a great penetrator and distributor and is fast as hell but going back to his days at North Carolina it's always been known as a terrible shooter. But naturally everything changes and gets flipped on its head when the Wolves are involved, and Lawson hit 10 of 11 three-pointers. That's 10 of 11 threes, including his first 10 (an NBA record) on his way to 37 points (a career high). Lawson's previous career high for three pointers hit in a game was three. THREE! God the basketball in this town sucks.
5. Trevor Plouffe. I don't know if he's the middle infield answer (more on Casilla later), but he's certainly showing he might be ready by destroying AAA pitching thus far this season. Rochester kicked off their year on Thursday and Plouffe started slowly going 0-4, but he's followed that up by going 3-5 with a double and a homer, 3-5 with a walk, a double and two homers, and 2-4 with a walk, bringing his early season line to .444/.500/1.056. Simply put, so far he's been completely on fire. Some may say it's early still and the Twins should wait and not bring him up yet, but those people are the same idiots who stare at a fire in the corner and wait until the entire house is ablaze before reacting. Come on Bill Smith, don't let the house burn down. We need some Plouffe.
WHO SUCKED
1. Alexi Casilla. I'm sorry, but this guy is not a shortstop and not a starting caliber bat at any position, possibly including National League pitcher. I'm not even sure he can throw the ball from the hole all the way to first, and just how many times this year are we going to see him dive to stop a ball, get up, and not get the guy or not even bother throwing the ball? Just don't even bother stopping the ball if you can't throw anybody out. And don't even get me started with the bat - he's just terrible. The worst part is that he's actually the best option right now, because the only other player who can play short on the major league roster is Matt Tolbert and we all know what a giant piece of crap he is. Honest to god, can we get Plouffe up here please? Maybe he's the answer and maybe he isn't, but at least he's got potential and brings hope to the position. Every time they read off the Twins lineup and say Casilla's or Tolbert's name a little piece of me dies inside.
2. Matt Thornton. I don't know why you'd bother giving the closer to anyone else when you have the nastiness that is Chris Sale - who might have the best stuff of any pitcher in the league - but for some reason the White Sox decided to roll with Thornton. He repaid that trust by going 0-2 in save opportunities this week, blowing the first against Kansas City (after they scored 3 runs on Joakim Soria to almost steal the game) and then followed that up by getting absolutely bombed for four hits and five runs against Tampa. The good news for the Sox, and bad news for all White Sox haters which I assume is everyone, is that they look like they may have moved the closer duties over to the unhittable Chris Sale, who picked up the save on Saturday (although he did give up a run). Hopefully, for the children and America, they stick with Thornton.
3. Tampa Rays. I know Evan Longoria is important - not just to the Rays but to all of Major League Baseball, the world, the safety of our nation, and the love in my heart - but it's pretty sad how Tampa has basically just given up after his injury. A pathetic 1-8 start to the year, and it's been even uglier than that. They currently rank dead last in the majors in runs scored, batting average, on-base percentage, and slugging percentage and in the bottom six in ERA, quality starts, and batting average against. Only B.J. Upton is hitting the ball remotely well and he leads the team in basically every batting stat, while the starting pitching has been atrocious and is backed up by a pretty poorly performing bullpen. This is really, really ugly. Who knew Longoria had this kind of effect on the entire team? Pretty clear he's the AL MVP at this point.
4. Austin Jackson. I like Austin Jackson. He's fast, a good fielder, and he can hit the ball with power and average - at least in theory - but he's been brutal this year. He's hitting just .184 this year (with an OBP of .244 and SLG of .289), but that's not even the most troubling part. That would be his impressive 14 strikeouts in just 38 at-bats, a pace that would leave him at 228 Ks for the year if he reaches the 618 at-bats he had last year - a new single-season record. Although I feel pretty safe saying that if he doesn't start getting some hits he'll be logging some of those ABs down on the farm. He's a free swinger and is always going to strike out a lot (and never really bothers to walk), but he needs to produce when he does put the ball in play, as he did last year. The weird thing is that his contact rate isn't even that bad at 76.5% (Carlos Pena is at 58.5% - worst in the majors) and you can have plenty of success even if you swing and miss frequently (Nelson Cruz is at 64.2%), but when he does hit the ball he's making terrible contact (4.3% line drives vs. 52.2% fly balls). Things are not lining up well for Mr. Jackson to turn it around. And yes, he's on our fantasy team. Joy.
5. UND Fighting Sue. I don't know anything about hockey and to be honest don't even completely understand most of their crazy rules, but I know gambling and I know the Sue were a huge favorite at -220 (meaning you'd have to bet $220 to win $100 - that's a huge favorite) so I know that them losing to Michigan was a pretty epic chocke job. I'll let Snake elaborate further:
"I would like to take this first sentence to thank the Michigan Wolverines for doing gods work and beating the prairie scrubs from the University of North Dakota.
Certain things can be expected every spring in the midwest. Robins return, the snow melts, flowers bloom and coach Hakstol and the University of North Dakota lose in fantastic fashion in the NCAA tournament. Of course nothing changed this year. Coach Hak brought the best team in the country into a frozen four field filled with mediocre teams. Instead of walking through the field they got shutout 2-0 by a Michigan team who played a walk-on goalie and lost to the gophers 3-1 this year. This was a choke job of epic proportions. Vegas had the Sioux at -250 to win it all while Michigan was +175, UMD was +450 (which bogart cashed) and Notre Dame was +500.
So basically UND losing on Thursday was a bigger upset than Russia losing to the USA in 1980 olympics. Only this was better because the majority of TRUE americans hate North Dakota more than those Red bastards from the USSR. As usual, UND fans took the loss with class and dignity!"
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
MLB Preview: American League
After I won multiple awards for my NL preview yesterday, I couldn't very well ignore the American League, especially since that's all anybody around here cares about. So that's what we got goin' down here tonight, a little American League chatter.
Also I want to mention as a public service announcement that although the 5-8 Club is famous for their Juicy Lucys you shouldn't ignore the broasted chicken. It's not quite as good as any random place at least 1 hour north of the cities (and the more norther the better), but for a city joint it's very good.
Anyway, here you go.
AL EAST
1. Boston Red Stockings. There's a reason all thdork Red Sox fans are so excited for their team - they're going to be really god damn good. They signed the top 2 free agent position players available who filled holes for them in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, have an excellent rotation 1-5, a bullpen good enough that they can ship Hideki Okajima to triple-A, and, lest you think their 3rd place finish last year means they're overrated, they still won 89 games and several key players (Pedroia, Ellsbury, Youkilis) missed substantial time last season. In short, no matter how much you hate them and their fans (and I do with one exception) this team is going to be a monster. The shark move here would be to make sure and get Papelboner as your fantasy closer, since he's going to get a ridonkulous amount of save opps.
2. New York Yankees. They're lucky that the offense is loaded up because that rotation is brutal. Sabathia is good, I guess, but AJ Burnett is terrible, Phil Hughes is a dandy, Freddy Garcia is dead, and Ivan Nova will be in AAA ball by June. That said, they're going to be tough to beat and should win a lot of 8-6 ball games, plus with Soriano setting up for Rivera they essentially just have to outscore you through 7 innings. Side note: if you look at the lineup there's absolutely no reason Derek Jeter should be hitting anything other than 8th or 9th. Other than the intangibles of course. And those piercing blue eyes.
3. Tampa Bay Rays. Whoever stocked up the Rays farm system did one hell of a job, because it seems no matter who leaves there is always a hot young prospect ready to step in, and that especially includes the pitching staff. This year those guys will have to be dead on, because behind provens David Price and James Shields are a bunch of youngins - talented youngins in Wade Davis, Jeff Niemann, and Jeremy Hellickson - but young just the same. Two other things: 1. FREE DESMOND JENNINGS! and 2. Kyle Farnsworth as your closer? Seriously? I dropped them from #2 to #4 for that reason alone. Then bumped them back to #3 because Evan Longoria is both awesome and sexy.
4. Baltimore Orioles. I feel bad for these guys, I really do. After years of throwing good money after bad, making poor decisions, and decimating the farm system they're finally starting to do things right. They got a solid manager (Buck Showalter), good young talent (Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, Brian Matusz, Jake Arrieta), with more on the way (Zach Britton, Manny Machado, Chris Tillman), and are signing reasonable free agents who make sense and fit with the roster (Derrek Lee, Mark Reynolds, Kevin Gregg, and trading for JJ Hardy). Really they're doing a lot right and in any other division they'd be a sleeper to win it. Here, however, fourth place is their absolute upside.
5. Toronto Blue Jays. This is definitely a fun team if you like a youth movement - the oldest pitcher in the rotation is 26. They also have fun prospects like LF Travis Snider and C JP Arencibia who are going to be handed starting jobs and told to run with them. If the youth is good and crap factories Adam Lind and Aaron Hill - two of the biggest disappointments in all of baseball last year - can bounce back this team might be able to threaten for fourth place. That being said, this team would be a contender in the AL Central. Thank god the Twins are in such a shitty division.
AL CENTRAL
1. Minnesota Twins. Hey, speaking of the Twins being in a shitty division, here I am picking them to win again even though I'm not remotely impressed with this team. If you're reading this you probably know everything you need to about the Twins so all I'm going to say is I hate hate hate hate hate the middle infield and I still don't understand the Hardy trade, but my biggest question is how they handled the whole Scott Diamond thing. Trading Billy Bullock, he of the 150 strikeouts in 108 innings in two years at age 22 and the Twins second-round pick just TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO means that Diamond better be the best god damn reliever in history. AGAGDASHKJ the season hasn't even started yet and I'm already mad. Let's just move on.
2. Detroit Tigers. You know who I love this year? Justin motherfuckin' Verlander. He's been awesome the last several years, no doubt, but I think this is the year he goes from awesome to AWESOME. I also love Austin Jackson, and I think if he can just have half of Delmon Young's plate discipline he's got super star written all over him, and the youngster SP duo of Scherzer and Porcello has got potential. That's it that I like on that team because I hate everybody else including fat alcoholic and girl hair McGee. I guess I don't hate Will Rhymes, but that's not because of his play (Punto-esque) but because of his sweet name. If Snow had just called himself Will Rhymes Informer would have hit #1 on the charts.
3. Chicago Gay Sox. Ever have a player you love (Adam Dunn) who goes to a team you hate with every fiber of your being? I always loved Mike Mussina and it broke my heart when he signed with the Yankees, but I never really really cared because it was AL East crap. This time it's really going to test me. I harbor no ill will towards Dunnsy right now, but I'm pretty sure the first time he takes a Nick Blackburn 88 mph heater 500 feet the other way (and you know it's coming) I'm pretty sure the hatred will rise up quickly. Looking forward to the Twins facing Jesse Crain though, pretty sure we have some guys who will return that 500 foot favor. Of course I'm assuming/hoping they got old Crain, not fancy new Crain from the second half of last season. Because that guy was good. Ah god dammit. This is going to be so frustrating.
4. Kansas City Royals. Holy shit you guys are these last two teams brutal. Honestly these might be the two worst teams in the entire league. I'm going to throw the Royals in the lead because I like that fat doubles machine and $nake has a shirt of the Mexecutioner. There's your upside, plus that Hawai'ian dude who's slugging like 3 in spring training. The future is supposedly very bright here, which is good because the present is full of Jason Kendall and Bruce Chen. No shit. The Chenner. Want to know how fucked up the Royals' are? ESPN lists Melky Cabrera as their starting CF and starting RF, and that seems like it might be accurate.
5. Cleveland Indians. Carlos Santana is going to be awesome. That's the entire list of positives I can come up with unless you believe in Justin Masterson (kind of sort of) or think Matt LaPorta might still be good (no chance). Since I got nothin' else to say, here's a picture of a naked Grady Sizemore:
You know you love it.
AL WEST
1. Oakland Athletics. Ok fine, I'm buying in. If San Francisco can win an entire World Series on the strength of their pitching staff, why can't Oakland win a crappy AL West on the strength of theirs? Trevor Cahill and Brett Anderson are studs in the making, Gio Gonzalez is nasty, and Dallas Braden has the soft-tossing lefty thing down pat. Add in bullpen additions in Brian Fuentes and Grant Balfour and I really like the pitching they've got here. The offense was downright dreadful last year, and although the pick-ups of David DeJesus, Josh Willingham, and Godzilla will help it still isn't going to be pretty. This is going to be another team that's going to have to win those 3-2 ball games quite a bit if they're going to contend.
2. Texas Rangers. These guys are the opposite of Oakland with their potent lineup that gets more potenter with Adrian Beltre at the hot corner, but with Cliff Lee gone the entire rotation is rather underwhelming, especially if you're like me and think they all suck outside of C.J. Wilson. With such a shaky staff I don't understand why they're so strident in keeping Neftali Feliz as their closer. Yes he was good last year, but he's easily the most talented pitcher on the team and came up through the minors as a starter, and since that's where they could maximize his value I'm baffled at the choice to keep him closing games. Good for the rest of the AL, I suppose.
3. Los Angeles Angels. Just a massive pile of meh, which seems odd because these guys were perennial contenders not that long ago, but I guess missing out on Carl Crawford and having a back-up plan of standing around doing nothing will generally drag you down a smidge. Jered Weaver and Dan Haren are a great 1-2 punch, especially since it turns out Weaver is actually good which shocked the hell out of me, but after that everybody is boring unless you think 1B Mark Trumbo can win rookie of the year. I don't, because I have never heard of him. When the left-side of the diamond is made up of Maicier Izturis, Erick Aybar, and Alex Rios you know damn well you aren't competing for anything, and don't forget their still trying to force Fernando Rodney to be a closer so they'll lose their share of close games as well.
4. Seattle Mariners. I picked these guys as my sleeper team last year. Turns out I'm an idiot. Good news though, they've taken major steps to turn this thing around by acquiring Jack Cust, Gabe Gross, Adam Kennedy, Miguel Olivo, and Brendan Ryan. Jesus Christ guys, you only won 61 games last year and THIS is how you address your issues? How can you be this shitty and only have three young, high upside guys in the entire system (Justin Smoak, Dustin Ackley, Michael Pineda)? At least the Pirates and Royals look like they have a plan, and don't forget they had Cliff Lee! What did they get for him, Smoak and a bag of balls? This is terrible. I can't wait until Felix forces his way out, maybe the Twins can get him for Cuddyer and Dusty Hughes.
POSTSEASON AND AWARDS:
NL MVP: Troy Tulowitzki (alternate: Buster Posey)
AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez (Evan Longoria)
NL Cy Young: Clay Kershaw (Roy Halladay)
AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander (Jon Lester)
NL Rookie: Domonic Brown (Freddie Freeman)
AL Rookie: JP Arencibia (Desmond Jennings)
NL Division Winners: Phillies, Reds, Giants
NL Wild Card: Brewers
AL Division Winners: Red Sox, Twins, A's
AL Wild Card: Yankees
World Series: Reds over Red Sox
Also I want to mention as a public service announcement that although the 5-8 Club is famous for their Juicy Lucys you shouldn't ignore the broasted chicken. It's not quite as good as any random place at least 1 hour north of the cities (and the more norther the better), but for a city joint it's very good.
Anyway, here you go.
AL EAST
3. Tampa Bay Rays. Whoever stocked up the Rays farm system did one hell of a job, because it seems no matter who leaves there is always a hot young prospect ready to step in, and that especially includes the pitching staff. This year those guys will have to be dead on, because behind provens David Price and James Shields are a bunch of youngins - talented youngins in Wade Davis, Jeff Niemann, and Jeremy Hellickson - but young just the same. Two other things: 1. FREE DESMOND JENNINGS! and 2. Kyle Farnsworth as your closer? Seriously? I dropped them from #2 to #4 for that reason alone. Then bumped them back to #3 because Evan Longoria is both awesome and sexy.
5. Toronto Blue Jays. This is definitely a fun team if you like a youth movement - the oldest pitcher in the rotation is 26. They also have fun prospects like LF Travis Snider and C JP Arencibia who are going to be handed starting jobs and told to run with them. If the youth is good and crap factories Adam Lind and Aaron Hill - two of the biggest disappointments in all of baseball last year - can bounce back this team might be able to threaten for fourth place. That being said, this team would be a contender in the AL Central. Thank god the Twins are in such a shitty division.
AL CENTRAL
2. Detroit Tigers. You know who I love this year? Justin motherfuckin' Verlander. He's been awesome the last several years, no doubt, but I think this is the year he goes from awesome to AWESOME. I also love Austin Jackson, and I think if he can just have half of Delmon Young's plate discipline he's got super star written all over him, and the youngster SP duo of Scherzer and Porcello has got potential. That's it that I like on that team because I hate everybody else including fat alcoholic and girl hair McGee. I guess I don't hate Will Rhymes, but that's not because of his play (Punto-esque) but because of his sweet name. If Snow had just called himself Will Rhymes Informer would have hit #1 on the charts.
3. Chicago Gay Sox. Ever have a player you love (Adam Dunn) who goes to a team you hate with every fiber of your being? I always loved Mike Mussina and it broke my heart when he signed with the Yankees, but I never really really cared because it was AL East crap. This time it's really going to test me. I harbor no ill will towards Dunnsy right now, but I'm pretty sure the first time he takes a Nick Blackburn 88 mph heater 500 feet the other way (and you know it's coming) I'm pretty sure the hatred will rise up quickly. Looking forward to the Twins facing Jesse Crain though, pretty sure we have some guys who will return that 500 foot favor. Of course I'm assuming/hoping they got old Crain, not fancy new Crain from the second half of last season. Because that guy was good. Ah god dammit. This is going to be so frustrating.
4. Kansas City Royals. Holy shit you guys are these last two teams brutal. Honestly these might be the two worst teams in the entire league. I'm going to throw the Royals in the lead because I like that fat doubles machine and $nake has a shirt of the Mexecutioner. There's your upside, plus that Hawai'ian dude who's slugging like 3 in spring training. The future is supposedly very bright here, which is good because the present is full of Jason Kendall and Bruce Chen. No shit. The Chenner. Want to know how fucked up the Royals' are? ESPN lists Melky Cabrera as their starting CF and starting RF, and that seems like it might be accurate.
5. Cleveland Indians. Carlos Santana is going to be awesome. That's the entire list of positives I can come up with unless you believe in Justin Masterson (kind of sort of) or think Matt LaPorta might still be good (no chance). Since I got nothin' else to say, here's a picture of a naked Grady Sizemore:
AL WEST
2. Texas Rangers. These guys are the opposite of Oakland with their potent lineup that gets more potenter with Adrian Beltre at the hot corner, but with Cliff Lee gone the entire rotation is rather underwhelming, especially if you're like me and think they all suck outside of C.J. Wilson. With such a shaky staff I don't understand why they're so strident in keeping Neftali Feliz as their closer. Yes he was good last year, but he's easily the most talented pitcher on the team and came up through the minors as a starter, and since that's where they could maximize his value I'm baffled at the choice to keep him closing games. Good for the rest of the AL, I suppose.
4. Seattle Mariners. I picked these guys as my sleeper team last year. Turns out I'm an idiot. Good news though, they've taken major steps to turn this thing around by acquiring Jack Cust, Gabe Gross, Adam Kennedy, Miguel Olivo, and Brendan Ryan. Jesus Christ guys, you only won 61 games last year and THIS is how you address your issues? How can you be this shitty and only have three young, high upside guys in the entire system (Justin Smoak, Dustin Ackley, Michael Pineda)? At least the Pirates and Royals look like they have a plan, and don't forget they had Cliff Lee! What did they get for him, Smoak and a bag of balls? This is terrible. I can't wait until Felix forces his way out, maybe the Twins can get him for Cuddyer and Dusty Hughes.
POSTSEASON AND AWARDS:
NL MVP: Troy Tulowitzki (alternate: Buster Posey)
AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez (Evan Longoria)
NL Cy Young: Clay Kershaw (Roy Halladay)
AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander (Jon Lester)
NL Rookie: Domonic Brown (Freddie Freeman)
AL Rookie: JP Arencibia (Desmond Jennings)
NL Division Winners: Phillies, Reds, Giants
NL Wild Card: Brewers
AL Division Winners: Red Sox, Twins, A's
AL Wild Card: Yankees
World Series: Reds over Red Sox
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I Think We're Alone Now (Live Movie Blog)
Alright, it's time. I know I haven't done a live movie blog in a while, and I figure it's time to break it out again. I'm sitting here with some Red Stripe and looking for something to watch and it's time to break out the big gun. Yep, we're going with "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus." I've been sitting on this since I Tivo'd it in January because the title is just too perfect and I'm afraid I'm going to be let down. Then again, with a title like that it might also be the type of flick that doesn't take itself seriously, and that would suck too. I don't want to rip on self-aware crap movies, I want ones that actually think they're good. Let's find out what we have here together.
- Looks like we're getting started in the great frozen north which is where I'm guessing someone is going to thaw out a giant prehistoric shark. But more importantly, the opening credits inform me that our leads are Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Also yes, that Lorenzo Lamas, but you probably knew that part.
- They just showed a giant sheath of ice sliding off a glacial wall, which basically guarantees that they are going to end up blaming global warming in some way for this. Great. Nothing like getting a political statement from a crappy B movie, especially considering the science they usually use in these is less accurate than your average Delmon Young throw to the plate.
- On on mother effing cue, they show us a school of Hammerheads allegedly swimming around in Alaskan waters. God damn it, people. Hammerheads are tropical. I'm almost positive they only shark you'd find in Alaskan waters is the Greenland Shark. Why not just show some Greenland sharks? Lazy stupid morons. At least attempt to get it right. I know I'm a nerd, but even a minimum amount of research would tell you that you would never, ever, ever find a hammerhead anywhere near Alaska. It just makes me so mad.
- We're two minutes in. Two minutes. And now they show us reef sharks and manta rays. In Alaska. Frozen Alaskan waters. Reef sharks, manta rays, and hammerheads. How about you just toss in a tropical coral reef or the Loch Ness monster. At this point you've already destroyed your credibility. This is almost as bad as that goblin shark movie.
- Huh, Debbie Gibson is actually a halfway decent actress. She doesn't have much to work with here already. For example, some army guy dropped some kind of sonar bomb into the alaskan ocean and it's forcing this bunch of whales to start ramming glaciers. Uh oh and oh noes they rammed so much ice so effectively that they freed both a mega-shark and a giant octopus who were frozen in their endless struggle through eternity. I am going to go ahead and assume these are the titular creatures. Heh, titular.
- Oooh, and right away the giant octopus attacks an oil drilling platform and crushes it to death. That is a really, really big octopus. Also to the best of my knowledge no giant octopus like that ever existed. I can't confirm for sure since I'm just a shark nerd and not an octopus nerd, but based on this movie's complete disregard for factual scientific science I'm going to assume they made that all up.
- They just found a dead whale basically bitten in half and the guy who is going to turn out to be the stuffy professor who never believes there's a giant shark says it was killed by a boat propeller. Based on the size of half of the whale, the boat would have had to the size of Rhode Island to have propellers that big. Also, the whole "it wasn't a shark it was a boating accident" thing was already done by Jaws, and every other shark-related movie since. At least be original in your crappiness.
- Debbie Gibson just jedi mind-tricked some security guard so she could get into some random giant tent and examine the dead whale body. Damn what the rules say! She's a rebel. She's also singing to the whale "I Think We're Alone Now."
- Some asian with glasses is yelling at some other asian with a goatee.
- Oh for the love of god. The giant shark just lept out of the ocean to grab and eat a plane. I don't even know where to start with this. First, the plane had just broken cloud cover which means the shark jumped a minimum of 5,000 feet in the air. Second, the shark was at least 5 times longer than the plane, despite the fact that the biggest estimate for a Megalodon would put it at about a quarter of the length of a 747. Finally, why the hell would a just de-frozen shark jump up in the air and grab a plane when it has had no learnings that plane = food. Plus, a shark that size wouldn't be interested in people because sharks need to eat high amounts of fat from like whales and seals and stuff, and I am pretty sure metal isn't high in fat content.
- I take it back. Debbie Gibson is not a good actress. She should stick to posing in playboy. Google is your friend.
- Now the asian guy with glasses is meeting with Debbie and her mentor science guy who is being played by a guy who reminds me of the guy from Cocktail and has the same accent. Remember in that movie when Elisabeth Shue took her top off? She was awesome.
- So Asian guy thinks the thing killing stuff is an Octopus, while Debbie and Cocktail guy think it's a shark. OMG THEY'RE BOTH RIGHT! TWO PRESHISTORIC CREATURES UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY!!
- I was going to write about something else that just happened but then, just now as predicted, Debbie gives us this "The Polar Ice Caps are melting so rapidly, maybe this is our comeuppance." THANK YOU MOVIE! I WILL NOW REPENT MY LIFE AND BUY AN ELECTRIC SCOOTER AND COOK MEALS OVER AN OPEN FLAME! YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE!
- This is a really god-damned stupid movie.
- The shark just killed a navy battle ship, but they couldn't be bothered to show anything to us because they're stupid and cheap. Instead it would show the shark swimming, kind of, in some of the worst CGI I've ever seen (comparable to Etch-A-Sketch) and then cut to some army guys in a room that was shaking. Do that three times, then cut to head army guy yelling "noooooooooooooo" and then fade to black. Thanks a lot. That was super entertaining. I hope Aquaman shows up and kills everybody dead.
- Asian guy with glasses just now compared the two creatures to Hurricane Katrina. I can't decide if that's offensive, and since I'm not affiliated with and really wasn't affected by the hurricane, I'm just going to chalk it up as being unfunny instead. Which once again proves that asians aren't funny.
- Shocking. Military guy wants to destroy the creatures, while the Sciencey people want to study them. Just like every animal destruction movie ever. And did I really say Debbie Gibson was a good actor, earlier? I need to be gut-punched.
- Do you think Wilson Ramos is more like the next Johnny Bench or the next Mickey Cochrane? Nevermind, I'm being silly. He's the next Matt Wieters. Who, by the way, has 3x the home runs of your precious Joe Mauer. Since HRs are the only really viable way to evaluate a hitter, I'd say it's clear Wieters is tops. Other than Ramos.
- Asian guy is now telling some sob story about how he has always wanted to be a marine biologist ever since he saw a dolphin get killed in a net when he was a kid but his family all wanted him to follow in his footsteps. I didn't catch what it was they wanted him to be, but I'm going to assume ping-pong player. And now he's humping Debbie Gibson. Clearly she's pretty easy if that story worked. Eww Debbie.
- Since we're talking about studs, guess how many AL third-basemen have a better batting average than Evan Longoria? Zero. Guess how many have a better OBP. Zero. Guess how many have a better SLG. Zero. Plus, he'll steal your girlfriend. Such a pimp.
- Some fighter guy like Maverick or Goose just got slapped out of the air by an octopus tentacle, which means I guess nobody learned anything from the plane that got eaten by the shark earlier. Also, since I'm sure you want to know how awesome it looked, it was a screen of a plane, then a shot of a tentacle, then the guy inside the plane with red flights flashing and him yelling. Then they cut to the people in the big ship running this whole operation and they were all sad. This movie rocks.
- Nice pony-tail, Lamas.
- I still don't get the switch from Sci Fi Channel to SyFy Channel. I mean, you're basically going to get two reactions - either irritation or indifference, so what's the point? Not really seeing an upside here. This is the worst marketing decision since they eliminated Crystal Pepsi.
- For a movie about a giant shark and a giant octopus (which doesn't and never has existed) there has been a stunning lack of footage of said monsters. And not the good kind of tension building keeping the monster hidden like in Jaws, the bad kind. Like that one time I accidentally watched a male model show - The girls never came! The girls never came!
- They're doing something with pheremones to attract the monsters or something, but for some reason these pheremones are a glowing fluorescent green, like the ooze from TMNT. Oh my god! Maybe it is the ooze, and when the octo and shark meet up and fight they'll break the container and the ooze will spill everywhere and create a giant Shark/Octopus hybrid! That would be the greatest thing ever! Please let this happen. Or at least turn Lamas into some human/shark creature. He'd probably be more articulate.
- I've never watched a movie that utilized shaky camerawork more often. It's worse than the Blair Witch Project. More like if the Blair Witch Project was filmed by Michael J Fox. Or any movie, really.
- Sweet jesus. The shark somehow disappeared from the radar of the navy battleship which is currently attempting to shoot it with torpedos. We've already established this thing is at least 200 feet long. Nice radar. Must be american-made. Oh, there is is. It ate the ship, and then it ate the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm assuming we're not in Alaska anymore, but with the fact-finding and accuracy we've seen in this movie who the hell knows. I'm guessing it'll go after Big Ben next. Not Roethlisberger. He'd probably hump it while it tried to get away.
- The new plan is to drop nukes into San Francisco Bay (the shark) and somewhere in Tokyo that I don't remember (the octopus) in order to "avoid a global catastrophe." I don't even know where to begin.
- Awesome. Now they are going to try to get them to fight and kill each other instead, because "Sharks and Octopi are natural enemies." Good lord. This seriously puts every other one of these movies to shame, even that one with the Baldwin brother. Don't worry, I'll be back with another one after this. I have something called "Mega Piranha" waiting for me. Hard to get a better title than that.
- I'm really sick of fantasy baseball. Our pitchers just keep getting Greinke'd. First off, we have Greinke, who has a 2.27 ERA and zero wins. Then tonight, Cole Hamels goes 8 innings, gives up 1 run, no win. Last night Mike Leake pitched a gem and got nothing. It's not fair. We have the best team by far (Wieters AND Longoria) by are just 2-2 because of cheaters and cheating and bad luck. We should be 5-0, even though it's only been four weeks. Yep, we're that good.
- By the way, I really wanted to like V, but I just couldn't get into it. I feel like I'm insulting my childhood. Then again, a certain recent remake of a certain awesome classic kind of destroyed it already. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate.
- I see Wilson Ramos is 0-3 with a K right now tonight. I know a little bit of regression to the mean is inevitable, but if he doesn't end up hitting at least .500 this year, I think you have to consider his season a failure.
- I'm thinking Gardy should have stuck with his unbreakable routine and brought in Rauch to finish the game. Oops. (I'm getting back to the movie, I swear).
- $20 says this movie ends with another message about the evils of global warming.
- Debbie and Asian guy just had a really touching conversation via video computer phone. He's apparently in Asian now which I guess makes sense, but they're in love or something which doesn't. And their romantic talk involved some quote from my guy Julius Caesar, but it was a pretty gay one. The whole thing was awful. Kind of gave me a hankerin' for watching Anakin and Padme.
- Mmmmmmmmmmmm.....Padme. Remember in the second movie how the somehow manages to rip her shirt just perfectly to get some nice mid-riff action? I couldn't decide if that was awesome or stupid, and I still can't decide. I know I didn't complain though.
- I quite literally have no idea what is going on anymore, but Debbie Gibson just punched some dude out (unfortunately not Lamas. or the Asian guy) and then somebody said "Ice Wall! Right Ahead!" which I think was supposed to be an homage to Titanic. This is pretty surreal. But not in a good way in the least.
- So the Shark and Octopus are fighting, just like in Debbie's master plan (as natural enemies are wont to do), and they're actually showing the fight. Sort of. They're also using the shaking camera manuever, and when they do show them it looks like something I could create in the bathtub using Wonderbaby's toys pretty easily. And she doesn't even have an octopus.
- How do they keep losing the creatures on their radar? This is about the fourth or fifth time. Way to keep going back to the same plot device over and over again. And, speaking of, we now have more shaking cameras. I really can't stress enough how prevalent this has been. This movie is as predictable as a Jesse Crain outing. As shaky, too.
- The octopus from Super Mario just squeezed the asian guy in half, but $50 says he shows up again because he and Debbie are in love and we need a happy ending to get us all through the day and our pathetic lives. Also I'm betting we aren't getting any TMNT ooze ending, which is a total bummer.
- I think they're looping the footage from the octo/shark fight.
- And the two creatures actually managed to kill each other, which is obviously super realistic. And there's asian guy to give us a little more Anakin-level banter in case you needed a little more. Just fantastic. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, but this is the worst. Other than Jumper.
- And we're set up for a sequel, because some old guy just gave our heros a file and said "here's something else" or some similar line. They better not be in Piranha. I can't take it again.
- Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this, because I sure as hell didn't, and I'm once again questioning why I keep doing this to myself. It must be for you, because I love you. Seriously, though, if I have to choose between a Giant Shark and a Giant Octopus, I'm going with crab juice.
- And just so this night isn't a total loss, here is a picture Snake snapped of a guy who was sitting near us at the Twins game we went to on Monday. I'm not even going to go with any commentary, I think it speaks for itself.
- Looks like we're getting started in the great frozen north which is where I'm guessing someone is going to thaw out a giant prehistoric shark. But more importantly, the opening credits inform me that our leads are Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Also yes, that Lorenzo Lamas, but you probably knew that part.
- They just showed a giant sheath of ice sliding off a glacial wall, which basically guarantees that they are going to end up blaming global warming in some way for this. Great. Nothing like getting a political statement from a crappy B movie, especially considering the science they usually use in these is less accurate than your average Delmon Young throw to the plate.
- On on mother effing cue, they show us a school of Hammerheads allegedly swimming around in Alaskan waters. God damn it, people. Hammerheads are tropical. I'm almost positive they only shark you'd find in Alaskan waters is the Greenland Shark. Why not just show some Greenland sharks? Lazy stupid morons. At least attempt to get it right. I know I'm a nerd, but even a minimum amount of research would tell you that you would never, ever, ever find a hammerhead anywhere near Alaska. It just makes me so mad.
- We're two minutes in. Two minutes. And now they show us reef sharks and manta rays. In Alaska. Frozen Alaskan waters. Reef sharks, manta rays, and hammerheads. How about you just toss in a tropical coral reef or the Loch Ness monster. At this point you've already destroyed your credibility. This is almost as bad as that goblin shark movie.
- Huh, Debbie Gibson is actually a halfway decent actress. She doesn't have much to work with here already. For example, some army guy dropped some kind of sonar bomb into the alaskan ocean and it's forcing this bunch of whales to start ramming glaciers. Uh oh and oh noes they rammed so much ice so effectively that they freed both a mega-shark and a giant octopus who were frozen in their endless struggle through eternity. I am going to go ahead and assume these are the titular creatures. Heh, titular.
- Oooh, and right away the giant octopus attacks an oil drilling platform and crushes it to death. That is a really, really big octopus. Also to the best of my knowledge no giant octopus like that ever existed. I can't confirm for sure since I'm just a shark nerd and not an octopus nerd, but based on this movie's complete disregard for factual scientific science I'm going to assume they made that all up.
- They just found a dead whale basically bitten in half and the guy who is going to turn out to be the stuffy professor who never believes there's a giant shark says it was killed by a boat propeller. Based on the size of half of the whale, the boat would have had to the size of Rhode Island to have propellers that big. Also, the whole "it wasn't a shark it was a boating accident" thing was already done by Jaws, and every other shark-related movie since. At least be original in your crappiness.
- Debbie Gibson just jedi mind-tricked some security guard so she could get into some random giant tent and examine the dead whale body. Damn what the rules say! She's a rebel. She's also singing to the whale "I Think We're Alone Now."
- Some asian with glasses is yelling at some other asian with a goatee.
- Oh for the love of god. The giant shark just lept out of the ocean to grab and eat a plane. I don't even know where to start with this. First, the plane had just broken cloud cover which means the shark jumped a minimum of 5,000 feet in the air. Second, the shark was at least 5 times longer than the plane, despite the fact that the biggest estimate for a Megalodon would put it at about a quarter of the length of a 747. Finally, why the hell would a just de-frozen shark jump up in the air and grab a plane when it has had no learnings that plane = food. Plus, a shark that size wouldn't be interested in people because sharks need to eat high amounts of fat from like whales and seals and stuff, and I am pretty sure metal isn't high in fat content.
- I take it back. Debbie Gibson is not a good actress. She should stick to posing in playboy. Google is your friend.
- Now the asian guy with glasses is meeting with Debbie and her mentor science guy who is being played by a guy who reminds me of the guy from Cocktail and has the same accent. Remember in that movie when Elisabeth Shue took her top off? She was awesome.
- So Asian guy thinks the thing killing stuff is an Octopus, while Debbie and Cocktail guy think it's a shark. OMG THEY'RE BOTH RIGHT! TWO PRESHISTORIC CREATURES UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY!!
- I was going to write about something else that just happened but then, just now as predicted, Debbie gives us this "The Polar Ice Caps are melting so rapidly, maybe this is our comeuppance." THANK YOU MOVIE! I WILL NOW REPENT MY LIFE AND BUY AN ELECTRIC SCOOTER AND COOK MEALS OVER AN OPEN FLAME! YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE!
- This is a really god-damned stupid movie.
- The shark just killed a navy battle ship, but they couldn't be bothered to show anything to us because they're stupid and cheap. Instead it would show the shark swimming, kind of, in some of the worst CGI I've ever seen (comparable to Etch-A-Sketch) and then cut to some army guys in a room that was shaking. Do that three times, then cut to head army guy yelling "noooooooooooooo" and then fade to black. Thanks a lot. That was super entertaining. I hope Aquaman shows up and kills everybody dead.
- Asian guy with glasses just now compared the two creatures to Hurricane Katrina. I can't decide if that's offensive, and since I'm not affiliated with and really wasn't affected by the hurricane, I'm just going to chalk it up as being unfunny instead. Which once again proves that asians aren't funny.
- Shocking. Military guy wants to destroy the creatures, while the Sciencey people want to study them. Just like every animal destruction movie ever. And did I really say Debbie Gibson was a good actor, earlier? I need to be gut-punched.
- Do you think Wilson Ramos is more like the next Johnny Bench or the next Mickey Cochrane? Nevermind, I'm being silly. He's the next Matt Wieters. Who, by the way, has 3x the home runs of your precious Joe Mauer. Since HRs are the only really viable way to evaluate a hitter, I'd say it's clear Wieters is tops. Other than Ramos.
- Asian guy is now telling some sob story about how he has always wanted to be a marine biologist ever since he saw a dolphin get killed in a net when he was a kid but his family all wanted him to follow in his footsteps. I didn't catch what it was they wanted him to be, but I'm going to assume ping-pong player. And now he's humping Debbie Gibson. Clearly she's pretty easy if that story worked. Eww Debbie.
- Since we're talking about studs, guess how many AL third-basemen have a better batting average than Evan Longoria? Zero. Guess how many have a better OBP. Zero. Guess how many have a better SLG. Zero. Plus, he'll steal your girlfriend. Such a pimp.
- Some fighter guy like Maverick or Goose just got slapped out of the air by an octopus tentacle, which means I guess nobody learned anything from the plane that got eaten by the shark earlier. Also, since I'm sure you want to know how awesome it looked, it was a screen of a plane, then a shot of a tentacle, then the guy inside the plane with red flights flashing and him yelling. Then they cut to the people in the big ship running this whole operation and they were all sad. This movie rocks.
- Nice pony-tail, Lamas.
- I still don't get the switch from Sci Fi Channel to SyFy Channel. I mean, you're basically going to get two reactions - either irritation or indifference, so what's the point? Not really seeing an upside here. This is the worst marketing decision since they eliminated Crystal Pepsi.
- For a movie about a giant shark and a giant octopus (which doesn't and never has existed) there has been a stunning lack of footage of said monsters. And not the good kind of tension building keeping the monster hidden like in Jaws, the bad kind. Like that one time I accidentally watched a male model show - The girls never came! The girls never came!
- They're doing something with pheremones to attract the monsters or something, but for some reason these pheremones are a glowing fluorescent green, like the ooze from TMNT. Oh my god! Maybe it is the ooze, and when the octo and shark meet up and fight they'll break the container and the ooze will spill everywhere and create a giant Shark/Octopus hybrid! That would be the greatest thing ever! Please let this happen. Or at least turn Lamas into some human/shark creature. He'd probably be more articulate.
- I've never watched a movie that utilized shaky camerawork more often. It's worse than the Blair Witch Project. More like if the Blair Witch Project was filmed by Michael J Fox. Or any movie, really.
- Sweet jesus. The shark somehow disappeared from the radar of the navy battleship which is currently attempting to shoot it with torpedos. We've already established this thing is at least 200 feet long. Nice radar. Must be american-made. Oh, there is is. It ate the ship, and then it ate the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm assuming we're not in Alaska anymore, but with the fact-finding and accuracy we've seen in this movie who the hell knows. I'm guessing it'll go after Big Ben next. Not Roethlisberger. He'd probably hump it while it tried to get away.
- The new plan is to drop nukes into San Francisco Bay (the shark) and somewhere in Tokyo that I don't remember (the octopus) in order to "avoid a global catastrophe." I don't even know where to begin.
- Awesome. Now they are going to try to get them to fight and kill each other instead, because "Sharks and Octopi are natural enemies." Good lord. This seriously puts every other one of these movies to shame, even that one with the Baldwin brother. Don't worry, I'll be back with another one after this. I have something called "Mega Piranha" waiting for me. Hard to get a better title than that.
- I'm really sick of fantasy baseball. Our pitchers just keep getting Greinke'd. First off, we have Greinke, who has a 2.27 ERA and zero wins. Then tonight, Cole Hamels goes 8 innings, gives up 1 run, no win. Last night Mike Leake pitched a gem and got nothing. It's not fair. We have the best team by far (Wieters AND Longoria) by are just 2-2 because of cheaters and cheating and bad luck. We should be 5-0, even though it's only been four weeks. Yep, we're that good.
- By the way, I really wanted to like V, but I just couldn't get into it. I feel like I'm insulting my childhood. Then again, a certain recent remake of a certain awesome classic kind of destroyed it already. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate.
- I see Wilson Ramos is 0-3 with a K right now tonight. I know a little bit of regression to the mean is inevitable, but if he doesn't end up hitting at least .500 this year, I think you have to consider his season a failure.
- I'm thinking Gardy should have stuck with his unbreakable routine and brought in Rauch to finish the game. Oops. (I'm getting back to the movie, I swear).
- $20 says this movie ends with another message about the evils of global warming.
- Debbie and Asian guy just had a really touching conversation via video computer phone. He's apparently in Asian now which I guess makes sense, but they're in love or something which doesn't. And their romantic talk involved some quote from my guy Julius Caesar, but it was a pretty gay one. The whole thing was awful. Kind of gave me a hankerin' for watching Anakin and Padme.
- Mmmmmmmmmmmm.....Padme. Remember in the second movie how the somehow manages to rip her shirt just perfectly to get some nice mid-riff action? I couldn't decide if that was awesome or stupid, and I still can't decide. I know I didn't complain though.
- Ok, so if you're going to make a movie with two giant sea creatures, and advertise in your title that you have two giant sea creatures, do me a favor and have some kind of a special effects budget so most of the time you can show the creature instead of just shake a camera and when you do show it it doesn't look like it's out of Super Mario Brothers. Seriously, the octopus looks just like this:
- I quite literally have no idea what is going on anymore, but Debbie Gibson just punched some dude out (unfortunately not Lamas. or the Asian guy) and then somebody said "Ice Wall! Right Ahead!" which I think was supposed to be an homage to Titanic. This is pretty surreal. But not in a good way in the least.
- So the Shark and Octopus are fighting, just like in Debbie's master plan (as natural enemies are wont to do), and they're actually showing the fight. Sort of. They're also using the shaking camera manuever, and when they do show them it looks like something I could create in the bathtub using Wonderbaby's toys pretty easily. And she doesn't even have an octopus.
- How do they keep losing the creatures on their radar? This is about the fourth or fifth time. Way to keep going back to the same plot device over and over again. And, speaking of, we now have more shaking cameras. I really can't stress enough how prevalent this has been. This movie is as predictable as a Jesse Crain outing. As shaky, too.
- The octopus from Super Mario just squeezed the asian guy in half, but $50 says he shows up again because he and Debbie are in love and we need a happy ending to get us all through the day and our pathetic lives. Also I'm betting we aren't getting any TMNT ooze ending, which is a total bummer.
- I think they're looping the footage from the octo/shark fight.
- And the two creatures actually managed to kill each other, which is obviously super realistic. And there's asian guy to give us a little more Anakin-level banter in case you needed a little more. Just fantastic. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, but this is the worst. Other than Jumper.
- And we're set up for a sequel, because some old guy just gave our heros a file and said "here's something else" or some similar line. They better not be in Piranha. I can't take it again.
- Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this, because I sure as hell didn't, and I'm once again questioning why I keep doing this to myself. It must be for you, because I love you. Seriously, though, if I have to choose between a Giant Shark and a Giant Octopus, I'm going with crab juice.
- And just so this night isn't a total loss, here is a picture Snake snapped of a guy who was sitting near us at the Twins game we went to on Monday. I'm not even going to go with any commentary, I think it speaks for itself.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Weekend Review
So who else is going to miss Travis Busch? Remember that one time when he fell on the floor? Or that other time when he ended up on the ground? Or the way he always fell down at every opportunity? Man, what a bummer. That Travis Busch, he do be hustlin.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Evan Longoria. The 2008 rookie of the year hasn't exactly slowed down, leading the majors after the first week of play with five home runs after hitting twenty-seven last year. He is also second with 10 rbi, and has blistered the ball at a .481/.481/1.185 clip - yes that slugging percentage is accurate and is also tops in the majors. In an era where it seems like more prospects flame out than produce (I'm looking your way Delmon), it's rare to see a kid like this shoot to the top of the league's best. When the Rays signed him to a lucrative five year deal when he was still in the minors it raised some eyebrows, but now it looks genius since they are only going to have to pay him $17 million over the next seven freaking years (assuming they don't re-work the deal). Seriously, he's only making $550,000 this year for that kind of production. Nice.
2. Roy Halladay. The first pitcher to get to two wins this year, Halladay shut down the Indians on Saturday, giving up just one run and five hits while striking out seven or seven innings. He was hurt by the long ball in his first start, giving up a couple of solo shots to the Tigers, which is why he has a less than impressive 3.86 ERA right now, but his 1.00 WHIP, .212 OBA, and 3-to-1 K/BB ratio says he is still a top pitcher again this year. And why not? The guy has been lights out every year he’s been healthy, finishing in the top five in the Cy Young voting the past three years and winning it in 2003 – and he had nine complete games last year, just to prove he’s a man’s man – all while playing for the crappy Blue Jays. I’m a big Halladay fan. It sickens me that he’s going to make $14 million this year and A.J. Burnett is going to make $16.5. So wrong.
3. Emilio Bonifacio & Josh Johnson. It’s ok if you haven’t heard of either of these guys, but they are pretty much the biggest two reasons the Marlins are currently 5-1 and sitting on top of the NL East. Bonifacio, who came over in a weird ass trade that the Nationals made for Josh Willingham, who is now their fourth outfielder, has absolutely been on fire and has really been a catalyst for the team. He's second in the NL in average, batting .500, and leads the league in steals with four already. He's also shown a bit of pop, with a double, triple, and inside-the-park home run mixed in there. He obviously can't keep up this pace, but if he can manage a three hundred average that trade is going to look worse than it already does.
As good as Bonifacio has been, Johnson has been even better on the hill for the Marlins. He's 2-0, and has posted an ERA of 0.57 (leading all two start pitchers) and a WHIP of 0.83. His last time out he out-dueled Johan Santana, pitching a complete game against the Mets, striking out seven while giving up just five hits and one run. Johnson returned in the middle of last season from Tommy John surgery and pitched well, coming into this season as kind of a sleeper in fantasy circles. I don't think anybody expected him to look this dominating though. With these two joining the group Florida put together, the Marlins are suddenly a threat to win the division.
4. Nick Swisher. Good with the A's, horrible with the Sox, and now suddenly Swisher looks reborn in pinstripes. He started the season as a backup for the Yanks, but after getting a start in the third game and killing the ball, he's started every game since and looks like an all-star, hitting .471/.550/1.118 with two home runs and 9 rbi. One of Swisher's best skills has always been his ability to work a count and take a walk (he's had more than 80 walks the past three years) and to hit for power, but he's never hit for a particularly high average - especially last year when he struggled to get over .200, finishing at .219 and leading the Sox to trade him. If he can add a high average to the power and the walks, look out.
5. Adam Lind. I’ve been pimping Travis Snider, who has been good at .286/.286/.643, but the real story for the Jays offense has been Lind, who is off to tremendous start in his third major league season. He leads the league in RBI with 12, and has crushed opponents' pitching to the tune of .400/.419/.767 with 3 home runs. If you hadn't heard of him that's ok, I had barely heard of. He was considered an elite prospect at one time, but failed to live up to that promise his first two years, failing to break a .760 OPS in either season. Is he now living up to the hype, or is this nothing more than a hot start that we can expect to fade? I don't know, but now he gets to come to the cozy Metrodome and face home run giving up machines Slowey, Perkins, and Baker and hit balls over the baggy, so his hot start will probably continue for at least another week.
WHO SUCKED
1. Minnesota Twins Offense. Uh oh, folks. You can’t explain all the team’s offensive troubles away by saying Mauer is missing, and it’s been ugly. Span has been awesome as a leadoff hitter (.419 OBP with 5 walks) and Nick Punto has been good (.353 BA with a .476 OBP), but that's pretty much it other than a couple of nice Morneau home runs. Delmon is hitting .133, Gomez is at .136, and Crede is at .160 as the team has more regulars hitting under .200 than over .300. Also I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but getting shut out twice in your first six games is not good. Once again, it doesn't seem to matter who is on the mound, good young pitchers (Felix Hernandez), old washed up pitchers (Bartolo Colon), injured pitchers (Erik Bedard), mediocre pitchers (Jarrod Washburn), or long-time nemesises (Mark Buehrle) they are getting shut down far too often already. Currently ranking in the bottom five in the league in average, OBP, and slugging, they will get a boost when (if?) Mauer returns, but some of these other guys need to turn it around in a hurry.
Lastly, if you saw Delmon's homerun yesterday it was a thing of beauty and a little preview into what he could become with a little more patience. He took two close pitches that were off the plate to get to a 2-0 count, and then hit the next meaty fastball over the middle out of the yard. If he can do that more often, maybe he can live up to his alleged tremendous potential.
2. Cliff Lee. Well it’s official, Cliff Lee sucks and I’m a moron – or even more of a moron than usual, I guess I should say. Lee lost again to drop to 0-2, and lost again in blowout fashion against Toronto on Saturday. Last year’s fluke pitched just five innings, giving up 7 hits and 4 walks on the way to giving up 4 earned runs. This now leaves Lee at 0-2, with a WHIP of 2.20 and an ERA of 9.90. I still don’t get it. How can a pitcher completely dominate for a full year, like Cliffy last season, and suddenly complete lose it just one year later? There’s nothing that says Lee should suck now, both his BABIP and LOB % last year weren’t fluky, completely weird numbers that deflated his ERA, but watching him pitch this year all of a sudden who the hell knows what’s going on. Glad I have him on two fantasy teams (actually, on one team my three top starters are Lee, Liriano, and Roy Oswalt – all 0-2 after this weekend). This also keeps the Indians in a bad way, sitting at 0-5 to start the year (they did win on Sunday to get to 1-5).
3. Tim Lincecum. The other Cy Young award winner from last season hasn’t had much success either. Unlike Lee, there weren't many questions about Lincecum. The only real issue was how many wins he would be able to pick up, considering the Giants are awful, but that his other stats should still be pretty good. Not the case thus far. The little guy lasted just three innings (a career low) in his opening day start against Milwaukee, giving up 3 runs, 4 hits, and 3 walks before getting pulled and looking generally unimpressive, and then followed that up on Saturday by giving up a career high 10 hits to go with three walks and four runs in just 5 and 1/3. Something is very much off right now, as he is fifth in the league with 14 hits allowed in just 8.1 innings, and has walked to many guys resulting in a 2.40 WHIP, the second worst number in the league amongst pitchers with two starts. I would expect him to rebound more than I would Lee, but neither have looked anywhere near their 2008 form thus far.
4. Cole Hamels. He’s still my boyfriend and all, but he certainly didn’t impress me in his first start since winning the World Series MVP, getting lit up by the Rockies to the tune of 11 hits and 7 earned runs allowed in just 3 and 2/3 innings pitched. He had a bit of an injury scare in Spring Training with a sore elbow, but it was supposed to be nothing more than elbow inflammation. Does this mean he’s hurt more than we think? It could be, especially since his fastball averaged just 87 mph in that game compared to his career average of 90. It’s something to keep an eye on, especially with Hamels poor history with injuries. If he’s hurt I might have to kill myself. Or just find a new obsession. Halladay looking pretty good these days.
5. Everyone in contention at the Masters. I could I suppose put Angel Cabrera in the awesome column for winning, but it really didn’t feel like anybody won the tournament as much as everybody lost it and Cabrera won by everyone else screwing up worse. The top two, Cabrera and Perry, both played half-assed throughout the tournament until Perry birdied 15 and hit an incredible tee shot at 16 to birdie again and get to -14 and a two stroke lead. He then proceeded to pull an Albany and shat all down his leg, bogeying the final two holes to drop into a three-way tie with Cabrera and Chad Campbell (who actually played at -3 on the day and based on his four days in Augusta probably should have ended up winning).
The playoff was even more of a choke-fest, with Cabrera in the woods, Campbell in the sand, and Perry chunking his approach shot. Perry and Cabrera saved par, but Campbell missed a short par putt to eliminate himself. On the final hole, Cabrera played well and Perry doinked his approach way off to the left of the green, giving Cabrera an easy win. It was pretty lame. Like watching Greg Norman and Steve Stricker battle down the stretch.
The most exciting part of the final round was watching Mickelson and Woods, who were grouped together, make a run up the leaderboard to get back into contention. Mickelson tied a Masters record with a 30 on the front side to get to -10 and just two shots back, but lost his mojo with a double bogey after hitting into the water at twelve, and ended up at +1 on the back to finish three shots back in fifth. Woods started more slowly, but turned it on after the turn, going three under on holes 13-16, also getting to -10. He then bogeyed the final two holes, however, to finish in a tie for sixth with John Merrick and Steve Flesch, and Steve Stricker.
So yeah, congrats Angel Cabrera on your second major win. It wasn’t the most impressive, but winning a war of attrition is still winning.
And that'll do it. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to attempt to do Daily Updates rather than weekly. Don't worry your pretty little head, they'll still be additional posts sprinkled throughout the week, hopefully with a little bit of Sidler Nerd Baseball talk, Dawger movie reviews and Gopher updates, and Snake hockey bits.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Evan Longoria. The 2008 rookie of the year hasn't exactly slowed down, leading the majors after the first week of play with five home runs after hitting twenty-seven last year. He is also second with 10 rbi, and has blistered the ball at a .481/.481/1.185 clip - yes that slugging percentage is accurate and is also tops in the majors. In an era where it seems like more prospects flame out than produce (I'm looking your way Delmon), it's rare to see a kid like this shoot to the top of the league's best. When the Rays signed him to a lucrative five year deal when he was still in the minors it raised some eyebrows, but now it looks genius since they are only going to have to pay him $17 million over the next seven freaking years (assuming they don't re-work the deal). Seriously, he's only making $550,000 this year for that kind of production. Nice.
2. Roy Halladay. The first pitcher to get to two wins this year, Halladay shut down the Indians on Saturday, giving up just one run and five hits while striking out seven or seven innings. He was hurt by the long ball in his first start, giving up a couple of solo shots to the Tigers, which is why he has a less than impressive 3.86 ERA right now, but his 1.00 WHIP, .212 OBA, and 3-to-1 K/BB ratio says he is still a top pitcher again this year. And why not? The guy has been lights out every year he’s been healthy, finishing in the top five in the Cy Young voting the past three years and winning it in 2003 – and he had nine complete games last year, just to prove he’s a man’s man – all while playing for the crappy Blue Jays. I’m a big Halladay fan. It sickens me that he’s going to make $14 million this year and A.J. Burnett is going to make $16.5. So wrong.
3. Emilio Bonifacio & Josh Johnson. It’s ok if you haven’t heard of either of these guys, but they are pretty much the biggest two reasons the Marlins are currently 5-1 and sitting on top of the NL East. Bonifacio, who came over in a weird ass trade that the Nationals made for Josh Willingham, who is now their fourth outfielder, has absolutely been on fire and has really been a catalyst for the team. He's second in the NL in average, batting .500, and leads the league in steals with four already. He's also shown a bit of pop, with a double, triple, and inside-the-park home run mixed in there. He obviously can't keep up this pace, but if he can manage a three hundred average that trade is going to look worse than it already does.
As good as Bonifacio has been, Johnson has been even better on the hill for the Marlins. He's 2-0, and has posted an ERA of 0.57 (leading all two start pitchers) and a WHIP of 0.83. His last time out he out-dueled Johan Santana, pitching a complete game against the Mets, striking out seven while giving up just five hits and one run. Johnson returned in the middle of last season from Tommy John surgery and pitched well, coming into this season as kind of a sleeper in fantasy circles. I don't think anybody expected him to look this dominating though. With these two joining the group Florida put together, the Marlins are suddenly a threat to win the division.
4. Nick Swisher. Good with the A's, horrible with the Sox, and now suddenly Swisher looks reborn in pinstripes. He started the season as a backup for the Yanks, but after getting a start in the third game and killing the ball, he's started every game since and looks like an all-star, hitting .471/.550/1.118 with two home runs and 9 rbi. One of Swisher's best skills has always been his ability to work a count and take a walk (he's had more than 80 walks the past three years) and to hit for power, but he's never hit for a particularly high average - especially last year when he struggled to get over .200, finishing at .219 and leading the Sox to trade him. If he can add a high average to the power and the walks, look out.
5. Adam Lind. I’ve been pimping Travis Snider, who has been good at .286/.286/.643, but the real story for the Jays offense has been Lind, who is off to tremendous start in his third major league season. He leads the league in RBI with 12, and has crushed opponents' pitching to the tune of .400/.419/.767 with 3 home runs. If you hadn't heard of him that's ok, I had barely heard of. He was considered an elite prospect at one time, but failed to live up to that promise his first two years, failing to break a .760 OPS in either season. Is he now living up to the hype, or is this nothing more than a hot start that we can expect to fade? I don't know, but now he gets to come to the cozy Metrodome and face home run giving up machines Slowey, Perkins, and Baker and hit balls over the baggy, so his hot start will probably continue for at least another week.
WHO SUCKED
1. Minnesota Twins Offense. Uh oh, folks. You can’t explain all the team’s offensive troubles away by saying Mauer is missing, and it’s been ugly. Span has been awesome as a leadoff hitter (.419 OBP with 5 walks) and Nick Punto has been good (.353 BA with a .476 OBP), but that's pretty much it other than a couple of nice Morneau home runs. Delmon is hitting .133, Gomez is at .136, and Crede is at .160 as the team has more regulars hitting under .200 than over .300. Also I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but getting shut out twice in your first six games is not good. Once again, it doesn't seem to matter who is on the mound, good young pitchers (Felix Hernandez), old washed up pitchers (Bartolo Colon), injured pitchers (Erik Bedard), mediocre pitchers (Jarrod Washburn), or long-time nemesises (Mark Buehrle) they are getting shut down far too often already. Currently ranking in the bottom five in the league in average, OBP, and slugging, they will get a boost when (if?) Mauer returns, but some of these other guys need to turn it around in a hurry.
Lastly, if you saw Delmon's homerun yesterday it was a thing of beauty and a little preview into what he could become with a little more patience. He took two close pitches that were off the plate to get to a 2-0 count, and then hit the next meaty fastball over the middle out of the yard. If he can do that more often, maybe he can live up to his alleged tremendous potential.
2. Cliff Lee. Well it’s official, Cliff Lee sucks and I’m a moron – or even more of a moron than usual, I guess I should say. Lee lost again to drop to 0-2, and lost again in blowout fashion against Toronto on Saturday. Last year’s fluke pitched just five innings, giving up 7 hits and 4 walks on the way to giving up 4 earned runs. This now leaves Lee at 0-2, with a WHIP of 2.20 and an ERA of 9.90. I still don’t get it. How can a pitcher completely dominate for a full year, like Cliffy last season, and suddenly complete lose it just one year later? There’s nothing that says Lee should suck now, both his BABIP and LOB % last year weren’t fluky, completely weird numbers that deflated his ERA, but watching him pitch this year all of a sudden who the hell knows what’s going on. Glad I have him on two fantasy teams (actually, on one team my three top starters are Lee, Liriano, and Roy Oswalt – all 0-2 after this weekend). This also keeps the Indians in a bad way, sitting at 0-5 to start the year (they did win on Sunday to get to 1-5).
3. Tim Lincecum. The other Cy Young award winner from last season hasn’t had much success either. Unlike Lee, there weren't many questions about Lincecum. The only real issue was how many wins he would be able to pick up, considering the Giants are awful, but that his other stats should still be pretty good. Not the case thus far. The little guy lasted just three innings (a career low) in his opening day start against Milwaukee, giving up 3 runs, 4 hits, and 3 walks before getting pulled and looking generally unimpressive, and then followed that up on Saturday by giving up a career high 10 hits to go with three walks and four runs in just 5 and 1/3. Something is very much off right now, as he is fifth in the league with 14 hits allowed in just 8.1 innings, and has walked to many guys resulting in a 2.40 WHIP, the second worst number in the league amongst pitchers with two starts. I would expect him to rebound more than I would Lee, but neither have looked anywhere near their 2008 form thus far.
4. Cole Hamels. He’s still my boyfriend and all, but he certainly didn’t impress me in his first start since winning the World Series MVP, getting lit up by the Rockies to the tune of 11 hits and 7 earned runs allowed in just 3 and 2/3 innings pitched. He had a bit of an injury scare in Spring Training with a sore elbow, but it was supposed to be nothing more than elbow inflammation. Does this mean he’s hurt more than we think? It could be, especially since his fastball averaged just 87 mph in that game compared to his career average of 90. It’s something to keep an eye on, especially with Hamels poor history with injuries. If he’s hurt I might have to kill myself. Or just find a new obsession. Halladay looking pretty good these days.
5. Everyone in contention at the Masters. I could I suppose put Angel Cabrera in the awesome column for winning, but it really didn’t feel like anybody won the tournament as much as everybody lost it and Cabrera won by everyone else screwing up worse. The top two, Cabrera and Perry, both played half-assed throughout the tournament until Perry birdied 15 and hit an incredible tee shot at 16 to birdie again and get to -14 and a two stroke lead. He then proceeded to pull an Albany and shat all down his leg, bogeying the final two holes to drop into a three-way tie with Cabrera and Chad Campbell (who actually played at -3 on the day and based on his four days in Augusta probably should have ended up winning).
The playoff was even more of a choke-fest, with Cabrera in the woods, Campbell in the sand, and Perry chunking his approach shot. Perry and Cabrera saved par, but Campbell missed a short par putt to eliminate himself. On the final hole, Cabrera played well and Perry doinked his approach way off to the left of the green, giving Cabrera an easy win. It was pretty lame. Like watching Greg Norman and Steve Stricker battle down the stretch.
The most exciting part of the final round was watching Mickelson and Woods, who were grouped together, make a run up the leaderboard to get back into contention. Mickelson tied a Masters record with a 30 on the front side to get to -10 and just two shots back, but lost his mojo with a double bogey after hitting into the water at twelve, and ended up at +1 on the back to finish three shots back in fifth. Woods started more slowly, but turned it on after the turn, going three under on holes 13-16, also getting to -10. He then bogeyed the final two holes, however, to finish in a tie for sixth with John Merrick and Steve Flesch, and Steve Stricker.
So yeah, congrats Angel Cabrera on your second major win. It wasn’t the most impressive, but winning a war of attrition is still winning.
And that'll do it. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to attempt to do Daily Updates rather than weekly. Don't worry your pretty little head, they'll still be additional posts sprinkled throughout the week, hopefully with a little bit of Sidler Nerd Baseball talk, Dawger movie reviews and Gopher updates, and Snake hockey bits.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Weekend Review
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Gopher football. I’m sure you spent most of your weekend trying to figure out where I would put them, in the awesome category or the suck category. Would I concentrate on the win on the road at Purdue, a tough place for the Gophers traditionally, and a road win in the Big Ten is never an easy task? Or would I concentrate on the ugliness of the game, and how Purdue is not only terrible, but the Gophers were facing a third string quarterback for a good chunk of the game, a guy I’m almost certain doesn’t belong anywhere near a D-I football field? Well, a 7-1 record, 3-1 in the Big Ten, and a #20 ranking nationally have me feeling pretty awesome. Please don’t F this up.
2. Penn State. Staying in the Big Ten, the Nittany Lions let everyone know they truly are the class of the Big Ten by the hated Buckeyes in Columbus 13-6 on Saturday, thanks in part to a late fumble by the right-handed Vince Young, QB Terrelle Pryor. I’m not exactly sure how high of praise “The Class of the Big Ten” really is, but look out, because they’ve picked up three #1 votes in the USA Today poll. The true good news here is that we won’t have to watch Ohio State get their asses kicked in the national championship game, we just might have to watch Penn State get their asses kicked instead. Also, I don’t know if this is true but I heard it somewhere that if Penn State goes to the championship game and the Gophers win out they go to the Rose Bowl. That would be pretty cool. I once won a chili cook-off and kicked a 40 yard field goal at the Rose Bowl.
3. Ryan Howard. Not the guy from The Office, things aren't so good for him right now, but the big fat slugging first baseman for the Phillies. After a very bad game one in which he looked mostly lost and confused and reminded me a lot of the Manatee, Craig Smith, he seems to have figured out Rays pitching, culminating in last night's 3-4 performance with 2 homers and 5 rbi, including an absolute laser of a homerun in the 8th. He has Philly on track for the win, as well as probably being the favorite for MVP at this point. Might as well toss Philly starting pitching in here as well, with Hamels (7ip/5h/2er), Myers (7ip/7h/3er), Moyer (6.1ip/5h/3er), and Blanton (6ip/4h/2er and a HR himself) pretty much dominating the Rays' bats. Congrats to the Phillies.
4. Texas Tech. You know, whenever there’s a gimmicky offensive team in college football it’s hard to take them too seriously. Whether it’s Houston or Hawaii and their super run-and-gun or Air Force with their wishbone/flexbone attack, I never really consider them a top team, no matter the record or the ranking, but it’s looking like this year’s version of the Red Raiders might be different. This weekend they beat a very good Kansas team in Kansas to the tune of 63-21, running their record to 8-0, 4-0 in the Big Twelve. The true test is still ahead, as their next four games are vs. #1 Texas, #7 Oklahoma State, and at #4 Oklahoma, and that’s where we’ll find out if their QB Graham Harrell (#1 in NCAA in Passing Yards and completions, 28 TDs vs. 5 INTs) is more Andre Ware or more Drew Brees.
5. Tyler Thigpen. If you happened to watch the Chiefs/Jets game, first of all you were probably really bored, but in contrast to Brett Favre (more on this below) you would have seen Tyler Thigpen look like an actual, competent NFL quarterback. He ended up 25-36 for 280 yards and 2 TDs with no interceptions, and more so even that that was making good decisions and showed good accuracy and arm strength. He may very well have even led the Chiefs on a fourth quarter drive with under 2 minutes remaining for the win except for a non-call on a fourth down possible pass interference. Basically, he looked like the kind of guy who could be a QB of the future for a team. If only the Vikings had drafted him, like in the seventh round or something. What? Oh. Go T-Jax!
WHO SUCKED
1. Brad Johnson. Holy noodle arm, watching him try to play QB is just painful. I knew he was a cranky old man at this point and I expected the Cowboys to slow down, but not to stop completely. Owens is worthless now. So is Witten. Barber still gets a few yards, but with 13 in the box on every play because BJ can’t throw, the going is tough. On any third down longer than 8 yards, they either run a draw, a screen, or Johnson ends up dumping it to a check down guy 3 yards down field, who then runs to just short of the first down before being tackled. Sound familiar, Vikings fans.
2. Brett Favre. As long as we’re on the subject of bad, old quarterbacks, Favre was vintage Favre on Sunday. No, not the “fourth quarter comeback”, although that’s all I heard from the announcers all day, I’m talking about the poor decisions and interceptions thrown right into the defenders arms. Favre had three of those, and I can’t adequately describe how poor these throws were, including one that the Chiefs took back for a TD, as well as another one right in the linebackers arms that was dropped. Look, he threw three picks to a team that had three thus far in the season, he had an INT returned for a TD in the fourth, losing the lead, and on the TD to take the lead back he horribly underthrew Laveraneous Coles who made an incredible catch to win the game. But all you heard about was the fourth quarter comeback and what a great throw he made by intentionally underthrowing Coles, although I’m 99% sure he was actually supposed to lead him and he made a great play. The media love for Favre continues, any other QB would have been ripped to shreds for this performance. I also heard he’s hooked on pain pills and young Asian boys.
3. Northwestern. I think pretty much every knew Northwestern was pretty much a sham at 6-1, but Saturday’s loss to Crapdiana pretty much seals the deal for any believers out there. Pretty much tells you the state of the Big Ten right now when this team is in fifth.
4. Big 12 Defenses. I always thought of the Big 12 as kind of a smashmouthy type of conference, but clearly that is not the case this season. The lowest scoring game in the conference this weekend was 28-24. In terms of scoring offense, Oklahoma is #2, Texas Tech #3, Missouri #4, Texas #5, Okla State #6, and K State #13. In passing yards, Tex Tech is #1, Oklahoma #3, Missouri #4, Kansas #8, Texas #11, Nebraska #12, and K State #13. That’s a lot of ball slinging, and a whole hell of a lot of fun to watch. Will be interesting to see if it’s just good offense, or bad defense once bowl season rolls around.
5. Evan Longoria. He's still a stud, he's still handsome, and it's a very small sample size no doubt, but Longoria has looked completely befuddled at the plate and in the field in the series. He's currently running at 0-16 with 9 strikeouts, and a whole bunch of fielding plays that he should have made, even if they don't show up as errors. I'm not exactly ready to give up on him or anything, but it would do him well to get a couple of hits tonight at least, so this isn't hanging over his head all offseason.
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