1. Pirates acquire Travis Snider from Toronto for Brad Lincoln. This one doesn't get a whole ton of play in the media because it's not as sexy as a lot of the other trades that went down and if it does it's always mentioned as a "trade of two failed prospects, both of whom were drafted in the first round of the 2006 draft. That may be true, but that doesn't mean Pittsburgh didn't get a steal here. The Pirates have gotten nothing out of their left-fielders this year (mainly Alex Presley), with a combined .198 average, and Snider just so happens to play left field. The Pirates also have an excellent bullpen with a combined 2.81 ERA out of the pen this year, so although Lincoln has pitched well this year they aren't exactly going to notice his loss. Then there's their performance. Before settling in the pen this year Lincoln was tried as a starter twice, finishing 2010 with a 6.66 ERA (9 starts) and 2011 with a 4.72 (8 starts). He was always a starter in the minors, and outside of 13 double-A starts in 2009 (when he was already 24) and two AAA starts this year he's never posted an ERA below 4.00 at any level. Safe to say he's a middle reliever, and as I've discussed here a lot middle relievers pretty much grow on trees. Lincoln was worth little. Snider, on the other hand, with five plus .300 average seasons in seven in the minors with good plate discipline and good power. He also hit .300 his first year in the majors (.301 in 80 PAs) and hit 14 homers in 319 PAs in 2010, but he's battled a lot of injuries and been on the DL quite a bit. He's also 3 years younger than Lincoln. Basically the Pirates traded a player that plays a position they don't need who you pretty much already know his ceiling for a player at a position they need who has shown promise and if could stay healthy still has the potential to be an impact player. Great trade.
2. Cubs acquire Arodys Vizcaino (and Jaye Chapman) from Atlanta for Paul Maholm and Reed Johnson. The Braves acquired Vizcaino in the trade where they shipped Javier Vazquez to the Yankees in 2009 when he was the #16 prospect in New York's system. Since then he's ranked #5, #5, and #2 while in the Braves' system, and is now headed to the Cubs (along with a top-25ish reliever guy). All they had to give up was a journeyman outfielder in Johnson and a back-of-the-rotation starter who, literally, anybody could have had for about $5 million this offseason in Maholm. The downside of this trade for Chicago is nobody gives a shit. Maholm is not going to develop into a Cy Young candidate, so no matter what happens the Cubs aren't hurt. The upside is Vizcaino, who has #2 type stuff. For a team that's been pretty smart about moves the Braves were awfully antsy this year, trying to give Randall Delgado (#3 prospect) to the Cubs first for Ryan Dempster before he blocked it and then following it up by trading prospect #2. Epstein has actually done a nice job dealing with the hellhole that is Chicago's roster, and at some point he's going to find a taker for Soriano. I have to admit, I have a feeling that nerd will get the best of that one as well.
3. Angels acquire Zack Greinke from Milwaukee for Jean Segura, Ariel Pena, and John Hellweg. The Angels certainly didn't underpay, giving up three prospects ranked in their top 15 but getting Greinke, and maybe more importantly not letting the Rangers or Yankees get him, will be a key to the Angels postseason success this year. This move sets up their rotation as Jered Weaver, Greinke, C.J. Wilson, and Dan Haren, and if Haren wasn't having a pretty tough year I'd say that's one of the best rotation I'd seen in a while. Certainly they have an edge when compared to the other contenders, with Haren their fourth starter compared to guys like Phil Hughes, Zach Britton, Clay Buchholz, Phil Humber, Doug Fister, Travis Blackley, Derek Holland, Jeremy Hellickson, and Brett Cecil - and they're better than almost every other team at the #2 and #3 spots, too. The Giants showed in 2010 that pitching can win championships, and their rotation of Lincecum, Cain, Bumgarner, and Jonathan Sanchez wasn't as good as what the Angels have now put together. In fact, I just talked myself into a small bet on them to win the world series at 6-1. Take advantage man, take advantage.
4. Yankees acquire Ichiro Suzuki from Seattle for D.J. Mitchell and Danny Farquhar. Mostly I like this one because the Yankees' risk is basically nil. Farquhar is nowhere near a top prospect list and has already been traded 3 times and waived twice in his four year career and has an upside of a 7th inning reliever, while Mitchell is a meh starter who is in his third year at AAA at age 25. For that low price they get a guy who, although he's been on the decline the last two years, did hit over .300 for 10 straight years, and a guy who agreed to hit low in the lineup, move positions, and sit against at least some lefties. Ichiro wanted out (there is a theory he's just been bored the last two years playing for such a shitty team), Seattle wanted him out so they wouldn't have to deal with the headache of resigning/not resigning him, and so the Yankees swoop in with almost no risk. Their production out of their left-fielders (Raul Ibanez/Andruw Jones) has been brutal, so if Ichiro plays as he has all year it's a small upgrade. But if the move to New York and a contender lights a fire under his ass and he plays like pre-2011 Ichiro? Look out. And all for the cost of two non-prospects.
5. Royals acquire J.C. Sulbaran and Donnie Joseph from Cincinnati for Jonathan Broxton. This is the exact kind of trade the Twins should have been making. Broxton was only signed to a one-year deal, the Royals clearly weren't going anywhere this year, and several teams had interest so the Royals leveraged that and got the most they could. They picked up Joseph, a top-25ish type prospect in the Reds system who has been a nearly unhittable closer in both AA and AAA this year, and Sulbaran, ranked 12th among Reds' prospects and a starter whose numbers are pedestrian but Baseball America said he had the best curveball in the entire Reds' system. Sulbaran gives them another young arm as they try to figure out the whole pitching situation as they make the alleged run towards a division title everyone is telling us to expect, and Joseph can probably start in the big leagues next season so they have some flexibility with Soria coming off injury and owed $8 million (team option). Good trade, and exactly the kind of thing the Twins could have/should have done.
I also think Jeremy Guthrie is a good pick-up for them. I mean he sucks, but you know he's going to give you 200 semi-ok innings and you need at least one guy like that if you're going to be a contender. Of course they have to resign him, find more talented pitchers to put around him, and then dudes have to hit to turn them into a contender, but like Leo Marvin said, "Babysteps."
Showing posts with label Angels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Angels. Show all posts
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Week in Review - 5/29/2012
I think I've solved the issue with the lack of content/posts on the site. I've decided to bring in a partner. TRE from www.stillgothope.com. He's a pretty funny dude and a good writer, he's a Twins and Gopher fan, and this should increase the amount of Gopher football coverage on this site by eleventy billion percent. He's already written one post, on a weekend no less, and basically called me stupid so he should fit in here just fine. I've always thought I had a tougher road because I'm the only Gopher blog with only one writer and especially lately I haven't been bringing the quantity or quality, but now we don't have to worry about that anymore. So welcome aboard, TRE. If you suck you won't just be fired, you'll be killed.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Justin Morneau. His batting average last week was actually pretty crappy at .240, but of his 6 hits four of them were HR bombs which is a great sign, and his batting average on balls in play was just .125 which says he was pretty damn unlucky last week, outside of hitting the ball 1000 miles a few times. If you remember last year, before captain softhead was put down for the season the big problem was that he wasn't hitting the ball with any kind of power. His ISO (which is slugging-batting average and measures raw power without it being a function of a high average) was .106, which was less than half his career average and nowhere near what he usually does and was a huge reason many people, myself included, were wondering if perhaps the head injury had broken his brain enough where he had turned into a slap hitter. Well I'm not really worried about that anymore. Now I'm just hoping they can trade him for BOATLOADS.
2. Stephen Strasburg. I've never made it a secret that I'm desperately in love with the Stras but he's kind of like Natalie Portman and the more you learn about him the more you love him and now apparently he can hit, too. No, I won't waste your time drooling over his pitching again because you already know he's basically unhittable, but after going 1-2 with a monster dinger and 2-2 in his last two games he's .389 this year with an OBP of .421, slugging of .722, and OPS of 1.143. To put that in perspective he'd lead the Twins in every offensive category and it wouldn't even be fucking close which is actually pretty depressing. I mean, it's probably a bit fluky considering he was 1-26 in his career before this year and was hitting just .143 six games ago, but since then he's gone 6-11 and four of those six hits have been for extra bases, plus he hit .400 in his (admittedly short) minor league career. I guess what this really does is beg the question, "could Strasburg get Strasburg out?" We should ask that tootsie pop owl guy, he seemed pretty sharp.
3. Mike Stanton. I'm not going to call him Giancarlo just because somebody tells me to even if it's this guy himself and even if there's a good reason. I honestly don't know if there was a good reason because I didn't really pay attention and when I first saw the Giancarlo thing I wondered if they were brothers because I'm stupid but the point of this story is that Stanton destroyed the ball this week and even broke the scoreboard off Jamie Moyer (and watch him pimp this home run):
Dude's 22 years old and hitting .291 with 12 dingers already after hitting 34 last year and 22 in his half season rookie year. Take notes, Twins' fans. This is what we need to hope Sano is.
4. Anaheim Angels. Maybe it's stupid to write nice things about the Angels on the same day Jered Weaver gets pulled because of an injury after pitching to just three batters and getting none of them out, but the Angels seem like maybe they've kind of figured this shit out - finally. Dan Haren, who had been knocked around all year by such horrendous offensive teams as the Twins and the Twins, finally looked like the Dan Haren we used to know by throwing a complete game shutout against Seattle with 14 whiffs (yes Seattle but still), Albert Pujols is hitting the ball again like a man, and Kendrys Morales is hot. If they could figure out how to get Morales, Pujols, and Trumbo in the lineup at the same time or just trade one of them they'd be in better shape, but after a pretty lackluster start to the year they've won six straight, and even if it's against crappy teams like Oakland and Seattle it still counts and those teams are in their division too so it counts double. Plus these guys used to lose to the Twins, so you know.
5. Kevin Garnett. I know he's probably always been an ass and he's definitely become an ass since he won that title with the Celtics, but for some stupid reason I find myself rooting for him, again, and he was probably the biggest reason Boston made the finals, because outside of game 4, KG was a monster in the entire series against the 76ers. He outscored his season average in six of the seven games (averaged 19.7 vs. 15.8 reg season) and grabbed more boards in six as well (11.0 vs. 8.2) and shot 50% from the floor. Basically he completely raised his game in a big spot, which is something I'm not sure he's ever done - or at least not very often. I have a feeling KG, Jesus Shuttlesworth, and Pierce know this is probably their last shot since they all have been worn down like a porn star when she hits age 30. Time for one last shot at glory, no reason to hold back now. I also predict if they get bounced at some point KG loses his mind a decks somebody - probably Rondo.
WHO SUCKED
1. Jason Marquis. We all saw this coming, right? I know it only cost $3 million or whatever, but what exactly was the point? What was his upside? He hasn't hit 150 innings since 2009, hasn't finished a year with an ERA under four since 2004, and gives up almost as many base runners as Nick Blackburn over the course of their careers. Then he missed spring training, as understandable as that was, and jesus what a disaster. An ERA of 8.47 and WHIP of 1.94 in his seven Twins' starts, which really shouldn't have been a surprise considering his performance in three starts after being traded to Arizona late last year, where he actually put up worse numbers than he did for the Twins (ERA 9.53, WHIP 2.29). I know the Twins have a tendency to try to grab guys who are looked at as old and mediocre and sign them on the cheap and hope they get solid production, but lately it always seems to be a Marquis or a Tony Bautista or a Nishioka, and I can't remember the last time they hit on somebody but I'm gonna say Chili Davis. That was 100 years ago. That was the same year Dahmer was arrested and the Super Nintendo was released. That's how long it's been since the Twins made a really good free agent signing (although Willingham seems promising at this point). Chicks who were born that year can now go out and get drunk legally. Kinda hot, now that you mention it.
2. Hakeem Nicks. Hakeem Nicks is one of my favorite receivers. In our keeper league I took him with the 3rd overall pick his rookie year and everyone was like dude what? and I was like, this guy is going to be a rock star. And mostly I was right. He's easily one of the most talented receivers in the entire NFL, and has put up over 1,000 yards each of the last two years. But there's a minor problem - he's always hurt. He has yet to play a full season (14, 13, and 15 games in his three years) and although he hasn't ever come up with a major injury that's kept him out an extended period of time he's always freaking dinged up to the point where you never know if you can put him in your lineup until like, right up until the game when they announce he's going to play and if he plays Monday night you end up starting somebody else like Mike Sims-Walker instead you sucks and then Nicks does well and you lose. Sucks. And now he's got a broken foot (suffered at an offseason workout for god's sake) and could be out up to 12 weeks which I'm not really sure when that is but it seems like it won't affect the season but whatever. He's pissing me off. I'm gonna trade him now. If you're in my league and read this blog please ignore this entry and pretend I wrote something about Jamey Carroll instead.
3. Chicago Cubs. I heard something on the radio about how the Cubs won today and it was like their first win in the last 10 games. Then I just looked it up and they did win today, but this was actually their first win in 13 games so it was even worse, which is kind of funny but makes sense because the Cubs suck and are still paying Alfonso Soriano ten trillion dollars and I can't guarantee it but I bet they're still on the hook for Zambrano as well. So yeah, they're really bad. Until today they hadn't scored more than four runs in nine straight games, which included four games with 1 or 0 runs. Earlier this week the Cubs had 10 hits in a game against Pittsburgh but managed to not have an extra base hit and got shutout. They also lost a game on a hit-by-pitch in the bottom of the ninth. Things aren't going well. But this will happen when you're counting on Brian LaHair as your clean-up hitter and Paul Maholm features prominently in your rotation. Oh who am I kidding, I'd kill for Maholm on the Twins right now. He'd be the freaking ace.
4. Joe Blanton. I've always disliked Joe Blanton and routinely bet against him. He looks like a fat baby, he has one of those goatee things that's all shaggy but doesn't have the mustache part, and he's a right-handed junkballer with shitty stuff who can't break 90 but won a lot of games when the A's were good despite terrible stats and everybody thought he was good because most people are morons and now he's making $8 million per year. And then it almost kind of looked like he had maybe figured it out this year with an ERA under 3 and at least 6 innings pitched in six of seven starts this year. Then this week happened. In games against St. Louis and Boston he never made it out of the fifth with a combined statline of 8.2 ips, 19 hits, 13 earned runs, and 6 homers to balloon his ERA to a much more Blanton-like 4.55. It's kind of creepy how much better I feel now.
5. Oakland A's. I'm a Billy Beane fan and I mostly think the "moneyball" related criticisms of him are pretty ridiculous, but I just have no idea what that team is doing, and now they've lost six straight (including one to the Twins lolololol) and have gone 4-10 to suddenly drop off the map. Mostly I'm just confused with how they're handling pitching. Why trade Trevor Cahill when he's only 24 and looking like a future 2/3 type? Why trade Gio Gonzalez at age 26? Why trade Josh Outman (age 27) and Guillermo Moscoso (age 27) for Seth Smith who completely sucks? Cahill and Gonzalez, especially, and they had just hit arbitration so they weren't looking at the big-time expensive franchise killing contracts yet (Mauer -> hi). Beane used to make turning vets into prospects into an art form, but the A's won because Giambi, Tejada, Chavez, Hudson, Zito, Mulder, etc. were able to mature into great players before they were shipped out. Seems now like those same types of guys are getting moved before they even have a chance to develop. Can't win that way. Moneyball? More like Stupidball, amiright?
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Justin Morneau. His batting average last week was actually pretty crappy at .240, but of his 6 hits four of them were HR bombs which is a great sign, and his batting average on balls in play was just .125 which says he was pretty damn unlucky last week, outside of hitting the ball 1000 miles a few times. If you remember last year, before captain softhead was put down for the season the big problem was that he wasn't hitting the ball with any kind of power. His ISO (which is slugging-batting average and measures raw power without it being a function of a high average) was .106, which was less than half his career average and nowhere near what he usually does and was a huge reason many people, myself included, were wondering if perhaps the head injury had broken his brain enough where he had turned into a slap hitter. Well I'm not really worried about that anymore. Now I'm just hoping they can trade him for BOATLOADS.
2. Stephen Strasburg. I've never made it a secret that I'm desperately in love with the Stras but he's kind of like Natalie Portman and the more you learn about him the more you love him and now apparently he can hit, too. No, I won't waste your time drooling over his pitching again because you already know he's basically unhittable, but after going 1-2 with a monster dinger and 2-2 in his last two games he's .389 this year with an OBP of .421, slugging of .722, and OPS of 1.143. To put that in perspective he'd lead the Twins in every offensive category and it wouldn't even be fucking close which is actually pretty depressing. I mean, it's probably a bit fluky considering he was 1-26 in his career before this year and was hitting just .143 six games ago, but since then he's gone 6-11 and four of those six hits have been for extra bases, plus he hit .400 in his (admittedly short) minor league career. I guess what this really does is beg the question, "could Strasburg get Strasburg out?" We should ask that tootsie pop owl guy, he seemed pretty sharp.
3. Mike Stanton. I'm not going to call him Giancarlo just because somebody tells me to even if it's this guy himself and even if there's a good reason. I honestly don't know if there was a good reason because I didn't really pay attention and when I first saw the Giancarlo thing I wondered if they were brothers because I'm stupid but the point of this story is that Stanton destroyed the ball this week and even broke the scoreboard off Jamie Moyer (and watch him pimp this home run):
Dude's 22 years old and hitting .291 with 12 dingers already after hitting 34 last year and 22 in his half season rookie year. Take notes, Twins' fans. This is what we need to hope Sano is.
4. Anaheim Angels. Maybe it's stupid to write nice things about the Angels on the same day Jered Weaver gets pulled because of an injury after pitching to just three batters and getting none of them out, but the Angels seem like maybe they've kind of figured this shit out - finally. Dan Haren, who had been knocked around all year by such horrendous offensive teams as the Twins and the Twins, finally looked like the Dan Haren we used to know by throwing a complete game shutout against Seattle with 14 whiffs (yes Seattle but still), Albert Pujols is hitting the ball again like a man, and Kendrys Morales is hot. If they could figure out how to get Morales, Pujols, and Trumbo in the lineup at the same time or just trade one of them they'd be in better shape, but after a pretty lackluster start to the year they've won six straight, and even if it's against crappy teams like Oakland and Seattle it still counts and those teams are in their division too so it counts double. Plus these guys used to lose to the Twins, so you know.
5. Kevin Garnett. I know he's probably always been an ass and he's definitely become an ass since he won that title with the Celtics, but for some stupid reason I find myself rooting for him, again, and he was probably the biggest reason Boston made the finals, because outside of game 4, KG was a monster in the entire series against the 76ers. He outscored his season average in six of the seven games (averaged 19.7 vs. 15.8 reg season) and grabbed more boards in six as well (11.0 vs. 8.2) and shot 50% from the floor. Basically he completely raised his game in a big spot, which is something I'm not sure he's ever done - or at least not very often. I have a feeling KG, Jesus Shuttlesworth, and Pierce know this is probably their last shot since they all have been worn down like a porn star when she hits age 30. Time for one last shot at glory, no reason to hold back now. I also predict if they get bounced at some point KG loses his mind a decks somebody - probably Rondo.
WHO SUCKED
1. Jason Marquis. We all saw this coming, right? I know it only cost $3 million or whatever, but what exactly was the point? What was his upside? He hasn't hit 150 innings since 2009, hasn't finished a year with an ERA under four since 2004, and gives up almost as many base runners as Nick Blackburn over the course of their careers. Then he missed spring training, as understandable as that was, and jesus what a disaster. An ERA of 8.47 and WHIP of 1.94 in his seven Twins' starts, which really shouldn't have been a surprise considering his performance in three starts after being traded to Arizona late last year, where he actually put up worse numbers than he did for the Twins (ERA 9.53, WHIP 2.29). I know the Twins have a tendency to try to grab guys who are looked at as old and mediocre and sign them on the cheap and hope they get solid production, but lately it always seems to be a Marquis or a Tony Bautista or a Nishioka, and I can't remember the last time they hit on somebody but I'm gonna say Chili Davis. That was 100 years ago. That was the same year Dahmer was arrested and the Super Nintendo was released. That's how long it's been since the Twins made a really good free agent signing (although Willingham seems promising at this point). Chicks who were born that year can now go out and get drunk legally. Kinda hot, now that you mention it.
2. Hakeem Nicks. Hakeem Nicks is one of my favorite receivers. In our keeper league I took him with the 3rd overall pick his rookie year and everyone was like dude what? and I was like, this guy is going to be a rock star. And mostly I was right. He's easily one of the most talented receivers in the entire NFL, and has put up over 1,000 yards each of the last two years. But there's a minor problem - he's always hurt. He has yet to play a full season (14, 13, and 15 games in his three years) and although he hasn't ever come up with a major injury that's kept him out an extended period of time he's always freaking dinged up to the point where you never know if you can put him in your lineup until like, right up until the game when they announce he's going to play and if he plays Monday night you end up starting somebody else like Mike Sims-Walker instead you sucks and then Nicks does well and you lose. Sucks. And now he's got a broken foot (suffered at an offseason workout for god's sake) and could be out up to 12 weeks which I'm not really sure when that is but it seems like it won't affect the season but whatever. He's pissing me off. I'm gonna trade him now. If you're in my league and read this blog please ignore this entry and pretend I wrote something about Jamey Carroll instead.
3. Chicago Cubs. I heard something on the radio about how the Cubs won today and it was like their first win in the last 10 games. Then I just looked it up and they did win today, but this was actually their first win in 13 games so it was even worse, which is kind of funny but makes sense because the Cubs suck and are still paying Alfonso Soriano ten trillion dollars and I can't guarantee it but I bet they're still on the hook for Zambrano as well. So yeah, they're really bad. Until today they hadn't scored more than four runs in nine straight games, which included four games with 1 or 0 runs. Earlier this week the Cubs had 10 hits in a game against Pittsburgh but managed to not have an extra base hit and got shutout. They also lost a game on a hit-by-pitch in the bottom of the ninth. Things aren't going well. But this will happen when you're counting on Brian LaHair as your clean-up hitter and Paul Maholm features prominently in your rotation. Oh who am I kidding, I'd kill for Maholm on the Twins right now. He'd be the freaking ace.
4. Joe Blanton. I've always disliked Joe Blanton and routinely bet against him. He looks like a fat baby, he has one of those goatee things that's all shaggy but doesn't have the mustache part, and he's a right-handed junkballer with shitty stuff who can't break 90 but won a lot of games when the A's were good despite terrible stats and everybody thought he was good because most people are morons and now he's making $8 million per year. And then it almost kind of looked like he had maybe figured it out this year with an ERA under 3 and at least 6 innings pitched in six of seven starts this year. Then this week happened. In games against St. Louis and Boston he never made it out of the fifth with a combined statline of 8.2 ips, 19 hits, 13 earned runs, and 6 homers to balloon his ERA to a much more Blanton-like 4.55. It's kind of creepy how much better I feel now.
5. Oakland A's. I'm a Billy Beane fan and I mostly think the "moneyball" related criticisms of him are pretty ridiculous, but I just have no idea what that team is doing, and now they've lost six straight (including one to the Twins lolololol) and have gone 4-10 to suddenly drop off the map. Mostly I'm just confused with how they're handling pitching. Why trade Trevor Cahill when he's only 24 and looking like a future 2/3 type? Why trade Gio Gonzalez at age 26? Why trade Josh Outman (age 27) and Guillermo Moscoso (age 27) for Seth Smith who completely sucks? Cahill and Gonzalez, especially, and they had just hit arbitration so they weren't looking at the big-time expensive franchise killing contracts yet (Mauer -> hi). Beane used to make turning vets into prospects into an art form, but the A's won because Giambi, Tejada, Chavez, Hudson, Zito, Mulder, etc. were able to mature into great players before they were shipped out. Seems now like those same types of guys are getting moved before they even have a chance to develop. Can't win that way. Moneyball? More like Stupidball, amiright?
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Week in Review - 12/12/2011
There's no Gopher talk below because meh. I'm sorry, they blew out St. Peter's which is exactly what they're supposed to do. I just don't care. I could probably break down all the players' shit or whatever but again, it was against St. Peter's so it's all basically meaningless. Well not totally meaningless, I mean it's nice to see them work over a shitbox team they way they should so that's encouraging. And I know this is a Gopher blog and I should write up every single game but in my defense fuck that shit.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Anaheim Angels. Ok so yeah, the Pujols' contract is probably too long and the C.J. Wilson contract is probably a little much for somebody who hasn't shown he can be a true ace, but the Angels just grabbed the best hitter and best pitcher on the market. As someone who thinks a team should spend as much as they can and as much as they want to win and doesn't get all revved up about big market vs. small market discrepancies (I don't hate the Yankees and Red Sox because they have more money, I hate them because they're assholes), I think it's an awesome move to say "Yeah, this is probably more than these guys are worth, but we can afford it and it makes us better." Pretty sweet week to be an Angel fan, and with Pujols, Kendry Morales assuming he's ok, and Mark Trumbo now on board they have a pretty sweet trade chip which, if they're lucky, they can use to also persuade somebody to take Torii Hunter or Vernon Wells' contract. And now they have Wilson, Dan Haren, and Jered Weaver at the front of the rotation. Yeah, nice. I'd say this makes up for the Napoli thing.
2. Indiana Hoosiers. Well that was a pretty awesome game. Huge win for the Hoosiers, and they're definitely on the way back but I'm not convinced they're good. I mean really they shouldn't even have won that game but John Calipari was too busy counting his illegal monies to actually coach. Do you realize Indiana was down 2 with 6 seconds left and Kentucky had TWO fouls to give. So you wait until the guy catches the ball in the back court, let him get 2-3 dribbles down and foul. Then, when they take it out on the side, you waste another second and foul again, and at this point Indiana has like one second left and the ball out of bounds on the side at mid-court. Boom. You can choose to blame Calipari or you can choose to blame his players instead, but I contend that Calipari coached those players so IN YOUR FACE.
3. Michigan State Spartans. Pretty good weekend for the B1G 10 (outside of Ohio State) and Michigan State's win over Gonzaga in Spokane (or wherever the hell Gonzaga is) was a very good one. What I found most interesting was Draymond Green's line. Usually he's all like, I'm gonna grab a bunch of boards and dish some assists and score some points and just kind of facilitate the offense, but in this one he just took the hell over and scored 34 of their 75 points (no other Spartan hit double figures) and really didn't do anything else (2 rebs, 3 asst) and was like a completely different person than usual. I don't know if that's good or bad. Like one time I had this friend who was a huge drunk and he was hilarious but he drank like all the time and then he stopped drinking and we were like good for you that will make you so much healthier but then he wasn't funny any more and was kind of lame and I haven't talked to him in a long time.
4. Devoe Joseph. Royce White is probably the best player in the Big 12 (FACT!!), Justin Cobbs is a valuable member of Cal's almost certainly NCAA Tournament squad, and now Devoe makes his debut for Oregon and leads them in scoring with 18, throwing in 4 assists (to 1 TO) to boot. That's always fun. I'm fucking pissed at Devoe. I liked him too much for him to just turn his back on me like this, then show up with some west coast hippie dude looking sexier than ever. That was a metaphor. Also, because I don't know where else to put this and I can't remember my twitter password, I just want to mention that I'm alone in my basement and I'm choosing to watch The Next Iron Chef rather than football. Does that make me gay?
5. Rob Gronkowski. Do you remember how when you used to play Tecmo Super Bowl sometimes Christian Okoye would be in "excellent" condition and then when you'd run with him you'd actively look for defensive players to just run over and bounce them right the fuck out of the screen? That's like Gronky, he's just sick. Completely untackleable. It doesn't even matter if it's some pussy ass little safety or some big fat defensive lineman, nobody can bring this dude down. And he's not just some big bruiser, he's got hands that are baby soft. I once saw Randy Johnson whip an egg at his head at 98 mph and he just cradled it in and the thing didn't even break. Then he humped a porn star and when he was done she was all like "you're the best I've ever had" and he was all like "yeah don't call me." True story.
WHO SUCKED
1. Joe Webb Fans. Are you people serious? After a very nice day at the bar with Dawger and Bear (ps suck it $nake), I happened to be listening to the after game call-in show or whatever for the Vikings and I'm pretty sure people are completely out of their damn minds. Hosts and callers both, because there was apparently a for real debate about whether Webb or Ponder should be the Viking QB of the future. Guess what geniuses, Joe Webb sucks at throwing a football. Did you even watch the game? He was missing open receivers by five freaking yards and I'm not exaggerating. He's not Mike Vick bad or even Terrelle Pryor bad, he makes them look like me playing bar league football - dead on balls accurate. Yes he's fast. Fun. But Ponder might be an actual real life QB, even if that throw across the body crap was the worst throw in the history of football. Webb is a bit and you're dumb. You know damn well you love him, don't lie to me.
2. Creighton Blue Jays. Could be the return of the curse of DWG, or could just be that Creighton sucks balls because after getting out to a blistering start that actually had me complimenting a Missouri Valley team, Creighton sucked big-time this weekend getting rolled by St. Joseph's. Creighton allowed St. Joe's to shoot 49%, sent them to the line 29 times and got there just 9 themselves, and was out-rebounded 37-24. They also allowed someone named Carl Jones to score 29 points. I don't really have else to add since I don't really know that much about either team or care, but I did bet a decent amount on Creighton to win this one so I'm a little peeved.
3. Memphis Tigers. Speaking of betting oh my god I suck at betting so much when it's not props. How the hell could Memphis possibly lose to Murray State at home? Murray State isn't even good. They're not even mediocre, and that's why Memphis was an 11 point favorite but instead of winning by eleven they just flat out lost. Which made sense because I got raped like an Egyptian geisha this weekend. But really, could Pastnor have learned from Calipari any better? Recruit great athletes, stress defense, refuse to run anything remotely resembling a real offense and just hope your players can outplay your opponent - exactly like Kentucky these days. Too bad Murray State is boring and disciplined. I hate that shit.
4. Manchester United. Wow. Just wow. How do you lose to Basel, and how do you get knocked out in the Group Stage in Champions League? This is the first time since 2005 Man U hasn't made it to the knockout round. Also I told the swamp donkey to sock it before I gave her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and had her lick my yarbles.
5. The Xavier/Cincy Fight. As someone who continually rips hockey because most of the "fans" of the "sport" care more about the fighting than the game I need to weight in here and say that the fight was stupid and dumb and stupid. But you know what's even more stupid? The people who are trying to blow this thing out of proportion and act like programs should be shut down and players should be kicked off teams. Yes, punching some ugly white dude in the head isn't a good thing and stomping on some guy who's already on the ground is probably not a resume builder, but this is the ugliest rivalry in college hoops and has been for years. The whole game (and pre-game really) was chippy and bitchy and you could see this shit coming when the refs didn't step in like asap. Yes, it's a black mark on the game but it's not like somebody was engaging in a little horseplay in the showers here so let's settle down. Also those people who are condemning Holloway for his "gangster" comment need to fucking relax. He's not saying they're Crips for christ's sake, it's called his vernacular. Relax, whitey.
By the way, this Tebow shit is ridiculous. Every week it's the same thing - suck badly and embarrassingly for 3.5 quarters and then tear shit up in the last 6 minutes. Once again it happened this week. When I left the bar the Broncos were down 10-0, the offense had done nothing, and Tebow had 45 yards passing. When I got home it turned out the Broncos won and Tebow threw for over 200 yards. I mean how does this shit happen every single week? It's crazy, and I gotta tell ya I think I've gone from Tebow hater to semi-on the bandwagon. Seriously if he wasn't silly religious I'd probably be all aboard, but who am I to question god? And if I was going to I'd probably start with the platypus anyway, then move on to general human misery and/or specific events like the holocaust or that tidal wave thing, and then eventually get to Tebow. That sentence kind of got away from me. Anyway, has there ever been such a lock for #2 in MVP voting? Every single writer is going to go Rodgers #1 and Tebow #2. And if they pick somebody other than Rodgers they're going to go that guy #1 and Tebow #2. He's going to finish in second with zero #1 votes. Right? Because nobody would voluntarily vote him #1, right? RIGHT?
Also I have $2 on Tebow to win MVP which would get me $200 so I'm on board. Choo choo.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Anaheim Angels. Ok so yeah, the Pujols' contract is probably too long and the C.J. Wilson contract is probably a little much for somebody who hasn't shown he can be a true ace, but the Angels just grabbed the best hitter and best pitcher on the market. As someone who thinks a team should spend as much as they can and as much as they want to win and doesn't get all revved up about big market vs. small market discrepancies (I don't hate the Yankees and Red Sox because they have more money, I hate them because they're assholes), I think it's an awesome move to say "Yeah, this is probably more than these guys are worth, but we can afford it and it makes us better." Pretty sweet week to be an Angel fan, and with Pujols, Kendry Morales assuming he's ok, and Mark Trumbo now on board they have a pretty sweet trade chip which, if they're lucky, they can use to also persuade somebody to take Torii Hunter or Vernon Wells' contract. And now they have Wilson, Dan Haren, and Jered Weaver at the front of the rotation. Yeah, nice. I'd say this makes up for the Napoli thing.
2. Indiana Hoosiers. Well that was a pretty awesome game. Huge win for the Hoosiers, and they're definitely on the way back but I'm not convinced they're good. I mean really they shouldn't even have won that game but John Calipari was too busy counting his illegal monies to actually coach. Do you realize Indiana was down 2 with 6 seconds left and Kentucky had TWO fouls to give. So you wait until the guy catches the ball in the back court, let him get 2-3 dribbles down and foul. Then, when they take it out on the side, you waste another second and foul again, and at this point Indiana has like one second left and the ball out of bounds on the side at mid-court. Boom. You can choose to blame Calipari or you can choose to blame his players instead, but I contend that Calipari coached those players so IN YOUR FACE.
3. Michigan State Spartans. Pretty good weekend for the B1G 10 (outside of Ohio State) and Michigan State's win over Gonzaga in Spokane (or wherever the hell Gonzaga is) was a very good one. What I found most interesting was Draymond Green's line. Usually he's all like, I'm gonna grab a bunch of boards and dish some assists and score some points and just kind of facilitate the offense, but in this one he just took the hell over and scored 34 of their 75 points (no other Spartan hit double figures) and really didn't do anything else (2 rebs, 3 asst) and was like a completely different person than usual. I don't know if that's good or bad. Like one time I had this friend who was a huge drunk and he was hilarious but he drank like all the time and then he stopped drinking and we were like good for you that will make you so much healthier but then he wasn't funny any more and was kind of lame and I haven't talked to him in a long time.
4. Devoe Joseph. Royce White is probably the best player in the Big 12 (FACT!!), Justin Cobbs is a valuable member of Cal's almost certainly NCAA Tournament squad, and now Devoe makes his debut for Oregon and leads them in scoring with 18, throwing in 4 assists (to 1 TO) to boot. That's always fun. I'm fucking pissed at Devoe. I liked him too much for him to just turn his back on me like this, then show up with some west coast hippie dude looking sexier than ever. That was a metaphor. Also, because I don't know where else to put this and I can't remember my twitter password, I just want to mention that I'm alone in my basement and I'm choosing to watch The Next Iron Chef rather than football. Does that make me gay?
5. Rob Gronkowski. Do you remember how when you used to play Tecmo Super Bowl sometimes Christian Okoye would be in "excellent" condition and then when you'd run with him you'd actively look for defensive players to just run over and bounce them right the fuck out of the screen? That's like Gronky, he's just sick. Completely untackleable. It doesn't even matter if it's some pussy ass little safety or some big fat defensive lineman, nobody can bring this dude down. And he's not just some big bruiser, he's got hands that are baby soft. I once saw Randy Johnson whip an egg at his head at 98 mph and he just cradled it in and the thing didn't even break. Then he humped a porn star and when he was done she was all like "you're the best I've ever had" and he was all like "yeah don't call me." True story.
WHO SUCKED
1. Joe Webb Fans. Are you people serious? After a very nice day at the bar with Dawger and Bear (ps suck it $nake), I happened to be listening to the after game call-in show or whatever for the Vikings and I'm pretty sure people are completely out of their damn minds. Hosts and callers both, because there was apparently a for real debate about whether Webb or Ponder should be the Viking QB of the future. Guess what geniuses, Joe Webb sucks at throwing a football. Did you even watch the game? He was missing open receivers by five freaking yards and I'm not exaggerating. He's not Mike Vick bad or even Terrelle Pryor bad, he makes them look like me playing bar league football - dead on balls accurate. Yes he's fast. Fun. But Ponder might be an actual real life QB, even if that throw across the body crap was the worst throw in the history of football. Webb is a bit and you're dumb. You know damn well you love him, don't lie to me.
2. Creighton Blue Jays. Could be the return of the curse of DWG, or could just be that Creighton sucks balls because after getting out to a blistering start that actually had me complimenting a Missouri Valley team, Creighton sucked big-time this weekend getting rolled by St. Joseph's. Creighton allowed St. Joe's to shoot 49%, sent them to the line 29 times and got there just 9 themselves, and was out-rebounded 37-24. They also allowed someone named Carl Jones to score 29 points. I don't really have else to add since I don't really know that much about either team or care, but I did bet a decent amount on Creighton to win this one so I'm a little peeved.
3. Memphis Tigers. Speaking of betting oh my god I suck at betting so much when it's not props. How the hell could Memphis possibly lose to Murray State at home? Murray State isn't even good. They're not even mediocre, and that's why Memphis was an 11 point favorite but instead of winning by eleven they just flat out lost. Which made sense because I got raped like an Egyptian geisha this weekend. But really, could Pastnor have learned from Calipari any better? Recruit great athletes, stress defense, refuse to run anything remotely resembling a real offense and just hope your players can outplay your opponent - exactly like Kentucky these days. Too bad Murray State is boring and disciplined. I hate that shit.
4. Manchester United. Wow. Just wow. How do you lose to Basel, and how do you get knocked out in the Group Stage in Champions League? This is the first time since 2005 Man U hasn't made it to the knockout round. Also I told the swamp donkey to sock it before I gave her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and had her lick my yarbles.
5. The Xavier/Cincy Fight. As someone who continually rips hockey because most of the "fans" of the "sport" care more about the fighting than the game I need to weight in here and say that the fight was stupid and dumb and stupid. But you know what's even more stupid? The people who are trying to blow this thing out of proportion and act like programs should be shut down and players should be kicked off teams. Yes, punching some ugly white dude in the head isn't a good thing and stomping on some guy who's already on the ground is probably not a resume builder, but this is the ugliest rivalry in college hoops and has been for years. The whole game (and pre-game really) was chippy and bitchy and you could see this shit coming when the refs didn't step in like asap. Yes, it's a black mark on the game but it's not like somebody was engaging in a little horseplay in the showers here so let's settle down. Also those people who are condemning Holloway for his "gangster" comment need to fucking relax. He's not saying they're Crips for christ's sake, it's called his vernacular. Relax, whitey.
By the way, this Tebow shit is ridiculous. Every week it's the same thing - suck badly and embarrassingly for 3.5 quarters and then tear shit up in the last 6 minutes. Once again it happened this week. When I left the bar the Broncos were down 10-0, the offense had done nothing, and Tebow had 45 yards passing. When I got home it turned out the Broncos won and Tebow threw for over 200 yards. I mean how does this shit happen every single week? It's crazy, and I gotta tell ya I think I've gone from Tebow hater to semi-on the bandwagon. Seriously if he wasn't silly religious I'd probably be all aboard, but who am I to question god? And if I was going to I'd probably start with the platypus anyway, then move on to general human misery and/or specific events like the holocaust or that tidal wave thing, and then eventually get to Tebow. That sentence kind of got away from me. Anyway, has there ever been such a lock for #2 in MVP voting? Every single writer is going to go Rodgers #1 and Tebow #2. And if they pick somebody other than Rodgers they're going to go that guy #1 and Tebow #2. He's going to finish in second with zero #1 votes. Right? Because nobody would voluntarily vote him #1, right? RIGHT?
Also I have $2 on Tebow to win MVP which would get me $200 so I'm on board. Choo choo.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
MLB Preview - American League
Here it is, what you've all been waiting for. Your American League preview. Although I have to warn you I went out to dinner with my parents and had a bunch of beers, so I'm probably just going to half-ass this thing. Or at least more than usual.
AL EAST
1. NEW YORK YANKEES. It pains me, physically pains me to pick these jackasses to win. I almost win went another team here, but then I realized that would just have been picking against the Yankees because they were assholes, especially your boyfriend Derek Jeter, and as a professional journalist who was once named a top 100 sports blog in America I just can't have that kind of impartialism running rampant on such a respected blog, so I pick the Yankees first. Seriously though, that Nick Johnson signing is perfect for this team and the exact type of signing they used to not be smart enough to make. So I guess what I'm saying is the Yankees might be back. I mean Jesus Christ their fifth starter is Phil Hughes. How is that even fair? He'd be second on the Twins. You heard me.
2. TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS. It seems like they have an endless supply of young talent, much like Vivid. And most of them work out well, which is what makes them different. This year, keep an eye out for "fifth" starter Wade Davis and the guy who will be the Carlos Gomez we always wanted, Desmond Jennings. I'm not certain that Rafael Soriano is actually the answer to their bullpen questions but why is the guy from those Miller High Life commercials on Cougar Town? Side bar: this show is terrible.
3. BOSTON RED SOX. I just wish they'd go away already, but somehow ($200 million payroll) they keep staying relevant. But who fills in for Jason Bay's numbers? Victor Martinez? Please. Although I do want you all to know that I'm sharing a fantasy baseball team with Snake this year and he said our second round target should be V. Martinez so feel free to all point and laugh at him. Adrian Beltre should be a monster though.
4. BALTIMORE ORIOLES. I feel bad for these guys. They finally seem to have it together, with a bunch of nice young arms and a bunch of good young bats and it doesn't matter remotely because of the division they are in. If the O's were in the central or west they'd be in contention for a division crown, but being in the East they are screwed. Look out for both Adam Jones on the bat side and Brian Matusz on the arm side. I got a game he throwed last year and I think he's probably the real deal (not the J.D. Durbin kind). Also wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters.
5. TORONTO BLUE JAYS. Trading Halladay was the right move since they suck, but they need to pray to Poseidon that a bunch of those prospects pan out because this is uglier than that chick from that one show. Travis Snider is a complete pimp, as are Adam Lind and Aaron Hill, but the rest of the lineup features guys like Jose Bautista, Alex Gonzalez, and Lyle Overbay. And that's better than the rotation, which is just like the Twins rotation how every starter is kind of on the same level except if that level was Glen Perkins.
AL CENTRAL
1. MINNESOTA TWINS. I'm almost kind of glad about the whole Nathan injury because it puts a flaw into what was shaping up to be a little too perfect of a team. Kind of like going into the season everyone was expecting the Vikings to hit the Super Bowl, that's how the Twins offseason was shaping up. Now that there's a chink (NOTE: not racist) in the armor maybe they are ready to take it. Feel free to expect Kubel to become the third member of the current team to win an MVP. Also, Delmon Young: .310/.360/.500. Believe.
2. DETROIT TIGERS. I'm very intrigued by what they are doing here. It's a very nice mix of young (Austin Jackson, Scott Sizemore, Max Scherzer) and old (Mags, Miggy, Verlander) with a shitbox of a bullpen. Does anybody still believe in Joel Zumaya at this point? Because he's officially closing now, a solid three or so years after he should have been ready. Did you know Brandon Inge struck at 170 times and OBP'd at .314. God that guy sucks. If I wasn't lazy I'd try to find video footage of his 0 home runs in the derby last year. But here we are.
3. CHICAGO WHITE STOCKINGS. That rotation is super good if you believe Peavy is back, which any smart human does even though that sucks worse than your life for the Twins. Funny that the offense basically keys on if Carlos Quentin, who looks like a retarded mexican Eric Cartman, is back to form, which he won't be. So you can expect a lot of 2-1 losses for Chicago this year. Oh, and if you want a prediction you can consider this a guarantee - Bobby Jenks implodes this year. Mark Wohlers-style.
4. CLEVELAND INDIANS. They don't really have much of a chance to compete this year, and will definitely trade Kerry Wood and should think about trading Grady Sizemore, but they seem to at least have an idea of what they're doing and are stockpiling some talent. Matt LaPorta, Lou Marson, Carlos Santana, Luis Valbuena, Asdrubel Cabrera, and Michael Brantley are very good young hitters who aren't there as a group yet but will get their soon. Luckily the rotation is brutal and the bullpen might be even worse. There is a lot of chatter about Fausto Carmona and being back to form coming out of spring training. I'd dismiss it, but I'm basically buying in 100% to the Frank Liriano hype so I have to respect this, right. I don't want to be some kind of hypocrite like Oksana Baiul.
5. KANSAS CITY ROYALS. I want to believe in KC, I really do. Partially for Zack Greinke and partially because it should be unconstitutional for such a beautiful ballpark to house such a shitty team (see: TCF Bank and the Gophers). Every time it seems like they might be moving in the right direction, like stockpiling a good amount of young arms, they go out and sign the worst lineup anybody has ever seen ever in forever. Just terrible. It's like, I feel the Pirates are starting to figure it out but the Royals are the younger, more retarded brother who has had the same plan explained to them and acts like they get it but then signs Jason Kendall to a 2 year/$6 million contract. Honest to god his agent must have shit himself when he saw that come through on facsimile.
AL WEST
1. CALIFORNIA ANGELS. Sort of by default here. All these teams are pretty close to even, but when you're in a cut-throat business like blogging you have to make a stand and I guess my stand is picking the Angels and also I'm bored. Does it even matter? These teams (sans the Rangers) all play way the hell over on the west coast where sports are over by 8pm and then every one is bored. Unless the Oscars are on, in which case the whole city shuts down and if you happen to be out there for new job orientation you can't go to the hotel bar and watch a basketball game because every TV is on the stupid Oscars and god forbid you ask if they can change one little tv in the corner because the bartender will judge you like he was Mills Lane and then not change the channel at all.
2. SEATTLE MARINERS. I have to pick them here because I love their strategy of going after pitching and defense in that gigantic park, and also because I put some money on them already at 16-1 two win the AL. Now that I think about it, that's a pretty stupid bet and if I really like them I should have just waited for their win OVER/UNDER to come out and roll on that and hold on one minute. Ok I now have the Mariners to win over 83. Also Twins OVER 82, Rockies over 84.5 (heavy here), Giants UNDER 82.5, and ATHLETICS UNDER 78. That was fun.
3. TEXAS RANGERS. I have never heard of any of these pitchers. I wish it was Friday. I want to draft a team. And also drink beer. And also drink beer with Snake while we draft a dominant team which will have no Rangers at all unless Justin Smoak gets called up. That guy is going to make Justin Morneau look like a girl.
4. OAKLAND ATHLETICS. This is, frankly, pretty awful. I love Billy Beane and he basically turned the league's front offices upside down by looking at the game in a different way, but it's not really working anymore and I don't think you could fault the A's if they chose to go in a different direction. Also when/if that happens I will be first in line for the "Fire Bill Smith hire Billy Beane" movement. Somebody just let me know when we meet and what I have to bring. I just concocted a pretty good dry rub for some chicken wings, so if it's going to be that kind of party somebody let me know. Also let me know if it's the kind of party where ding-dongs are getting stuck in the mashed potatoes. I'll call Q-Tip.
AL WILD CARD - Rays
AL PENNANT - Twins (believe it)
AL MVP - A-Rod (runner up = Kubel)
CY YOUNG - Felix Hernandez (runner up = Matt Garza)
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR - Matusz (runner up = Jennings)
WORLD SERIES WINNER - Phillies. Sorry homers.
AL EAST
1. NEW YORK YANKEES. It pains me, physically pains me to pick these jackasses to win. I almost win went another team here, but then I realized that would just have been picking against the Yankees because they were assholes, especially your boyfriend Derek Jeter, and as a professional journalist who was once named a top 100 sports blog in America I just can't have that kind of impartialism running rampant on such a respected blog, so I pick the Yankees first. Seriously though, that Nick Johnson signing is perfect for this team and the exact type of signing they used to not be smart enough to make. So I guess what I'm saying is the Yankees might be back. I mean Jesus Christ their fifth starter is Phil Hughes. How is that even fair? He'd be second on the Twins. You heard me.
2. TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS. It seems like they have an endless supply of young talent, much like Vivid. And most of them work out well, which is what makes them different. This year, keep an eye out for "fifth" starter Wade Davis and the guy who will be the Carlos Gomez we always wanted, Desmond Jennings. I'm not certain that Rafael Soriano is actually the answer to their bullpen questions but why is the guy from those Miller High Life commercials on Cougar Town? Side bar: this show is terrible.
3. BOSTON RED SOX. I just wish they'd go away already, but somehow ($200 million payroll) they keep staying relevant. But who fills in for Jason Bay's numbers? Victor Martinez? Please. Although I do want you all to know that I'm sharing a fantasy baseball team with Snake this year and he said our second round target should be V. Martinez so feel free to all point and laugh at him. Adrian Beltre should be a monster though.
4. BALTIMORE ORIOLES. I feel bad for these guys. They finally seem to have it together, with a bunch of nice young arms and a bunch of good young bats and it doesn't matter remotely because of the division they are in. If the O's were in the central or west they'd be in contention for a division crown, but being in the East they are screwed. Look out for both Adam Jones on the bat side and Brian Matusz on the arm side. I got a game he throwed last year and I think he's probably the real deal (not the J.D. Durbin kind). Also wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters wieters.
5. TORONTO BLUE JAYS. Trading Halladay was the right move since they suck, but they need to pray to Poseidon that a bunch of those prospects pan out because this is uglier than that chick from that one show. Travis Snider is a complete pimp, as are Adam Lind and Aaron Hill, but the rest of the lineup features guys like Jose Bautista, Alex Gonzalez, and Lyle Overbay. And that's better than the rotation, which is just like the Twins rotation how every starter is kind of on the same level except if that level was Glen Perkins.
AL CENTRAL
1. MINNESOTA TWINS. I'm almost kind of glad about the whole Nathan injury because it puts a flaw into what was shaping up to be a little too perfect of a team. Kind of like going into the season everyone was expecting the Vikings to hit the Super Bowl, that's how the Twins offseason was shaping up. Now that there's a chink (NOTE: not racist) in the armor maybe they are ready to take it. Feel free to expect Kubel to become the third member of the current team to win an MVP. Also, Delmon Young: .310/.360/.500. Believe.
2. DETROIT TIGERS. I'm very intrigued by what they are doing here. It's a very nice mix of young (Austin Jackson, Scott Sizemore, Max Scherzer) and old (Mags, Miggy, Verlander) with a shitbox of a bullpen. Does anybody still believe in Joel Zumaya at this point? Because he's officially closing now, a solid three or so years after he should have been ready. Did you know Brandon Inge struck at 170 times and OBP'd at .314. God that guy sucks. If I wasn't lazy I'd try to find video footage of his 0 home runs in the derby last year. But here we are.
3. CHICAGO WHITE STOCKINGS. That rotation is super good if you believe Peavy is back, which any smart human does even though that sucks worse than your life for the Twins. Funny that the offense basically keys on if Carlos Quentin, who looks like a retarded mexican Eric Cartman, is back to form, which he won't be. So you can expect a lot of 2-1 losses for Chicago this year. Oh, and if you want a prediction you can consider this a guarantee - Bobby Jenks implodes this year. Mark Wohlers-style.
4. CLEVELAND INDIANS. They don't really have much of a chance to compete this year, and will definitely trade Kerry Wood and should think about trading Grady Sizemore, but they seem to at least have an idea of what they're doing and are stockpiling some talent. Matt LaPorta, Lou Marson, Carlos Santana, Luis Valbuena, Asdrubel Cabrera, and Michael Brantley are very good young hitters who aren't there as a group yet but will get their soon. Luckily the rotation is brutal and the bullpen might be even worse. There is a lot of chatter about Fausto Carmona and being back to form coming out of spring training. I'd dismiss it, but I'm basically buying in 100% to the Frank Liriano hype so I have to respect this, right. I don't want to be some kind of hypocrite like Oksana Baiul.
5. KANSAS CITY ROYALS. I want to believe in KC, I really do. Partially for Zack Greinke and partially because it should be unconstitutional for such a beautiful ballpark to house such a shitty team (see: TCF Bank and the Gophers). Every time it seems like they might be moving in the right direction, like stockpiling a good amount of young arms, they go out and sign the worst lineup anybody has ever seen ever in forever. Just terrible. It's like, I feel the Pirates are starting to figure it out but the Royals are the younger, more retarded brother who has had the same plan explained to them and acts like they get it but then signs Jason Kendall to a 2 year/$6 million contract. Honest to god his agent must have shit himself when he saw that come through on facsimile.
AL WEST
1. CALIFORNIA ANGELS. Sort of by default here. All these teams are pretty close to even, but when you're in a cut-throat business like blogging you have to make a stand and I guess my stand is picking the Angels and also I'm bored. Does it even matter? These teams (sans the Rangers) all play way the hell over on the west coast where sports are over by 8pm and then every one is bored. Unless the Oscars are on, in which case the whole city shuts down and if you happen to be out there for new job orientation you can't go to the hotel bar and watch a basketball game because every TV is on the stupid Oscars and god forbid you ask if they can change one little tv in the corner because the bartender will judge you like he was Mills Lane and then not change the channel at all.
2. SEATTLE MARINERS. I have to pick them here because I love their strategy of going after pitching and defense in that gigantic park, and also because I put some money on them already at 16-1 two win the AL. Now that I think about it, that's a pretty stupid bet and if I really like them I should have just waited for their win OVER/UNDER to come out and roll on that and hold on one minute. Ok I now have the Mariners to win over 83. Also Twins OVER 82, Rockies over 84.5 (heavy here), Giants UNDER 82.5, and ATHLETICS UNDER 78. That was fun.
3. TEXAS RANGERS. I have never heard of any of these pitchers. I wish it was Friday. I want to draft a team. And also drink beer. And also drink beer with Snake while we draft a dominant team which will have no Rangers at all unless Justin Smoak gets called up. That guy is going to make Justin Morneau look like a girl.
4. OAKLAND ATHLETICS. This is, frankly, pretty awful. I love Billy Beane and he basically turned the league's front offices upside down by looking at the game in a different way, but it's not really working anymore and I don't think you could fault the A's if they chose to go in a different direction. Also when/if that happens I will be first in line for the "Fire Bill Smith hire Billy Beane" movement. Somebody just let me know when we meet and what I have to bring. I just concocted a pretty good dry rub for some chicken wings, so if it's going to be that kind of party somebody let me know. Also let me know if it's the kind of party where ding-dongs are getting stuck in the mashed potatoes. I'll call Q-Tip.
AL WILD CARD - Rays
AL PENNANT - Twins (believe it)
AL MVP - A-Rod (runner up = Kubel)
CY YOUNG - Felix Hernandez (runner up = Matt Garza)
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR - Matusz (runner up = Jennings)
WORLD SERIES WINNER - Phillies. Sorry homers.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I hope the Red Sox Lose
Sitting here at my parents' house (due to a flight tomorrow early and a babysitting issue we are spending the night over here) and having a nice glass of a fine Captain Morgan and taking in the Red Sox vs. Angels game. Naturally, I hate the Red Sox more than I hate communists and spiders combined, so I hope to hell they lose. We're picking this up in the bottom of the third, tie ball game at 0-0.
- By the way, since I'm here I saw my mother is currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover (the book). Yes, I get it's supposed to be a classic, but of course I had to tease her about reading smut. Somehow this led to my mom talking for like five minutes and using words like penis and phallus. I think I need another drink. A double. Or triple.
- Now she just used the C-word. Not as a curse word, but explaining how they use "that word" a lot in her smut book. I swear to god I'm not making this up. And now I'm getting the whole synopsis of this book. It's basically porn. Some chick is married and screwing around but her husband told her to go ahead and get pregnant by some other dude. I don't know. I just came here to watch baseball, jesus.
- Somebody's on second for the Angels with one out. God please I need to change the subject of my brain.
- Did you know Jon Lester once had cancer and then came back and pitched a no-hitter?
- I should also mention my mom went to a wine-tasting tonight. Now she won't stop talking. I can't even concentrate on the game - I have no idea what's happening, but I can tell you that some daughter of someone my mom knows is not behaving very well. I don't know. I can't keep up with the stories.
- Bobby FatBreau walks, putting two on and one out for Torii Hunter, my mom's favorite player of all-time. So NOW we get to watch the game. I see how this works.
- Now the conversation has turned towards my blog, and she said I really need to "clean it up." Well F that. How am I supposed to clean it up with all this smut talk she's throwing my way.
- Hunter walks. I don't think I've ever seen that before. First time for everything I guess. So now we're loaded up for Guerrero. I haven't looked up his stats this year, but he used to be pretty awesome. Time to break this game open Vladdy.
- Vlad strikes out, swinging at three straight pitches and reminding me of Jose Morales. He used to remind me of Kirby Puckett, now he reminds me of Morales. I'm guessing he must have hit some sort of age wall here.
- My dad now called to have me check the playoff tickets that came in the mail today and tell him what section and row, so I missed the first two outs but now Roided-Ass David Ortiz is up. He hit no home runs early but hit 27 late, I wonder if he re-learned how to swing or if he started up another cycle.
- I just checked and this was Vlad's worst year of his career and by a lot. Also Ortiz whiffs. My mom seems to be slowing down.
- Did you know Vlad led the league in caught-stealing in 2002? It's true.
- I think Lester is wearing a Crain-necklace. Probably why the ump just made a horrendous call against the Sox. Kendrick on first and two outs and I think someone named Mathis is up. He might be a catcher but don't quote me on that.
- Well I don't know if he's a catcher but I know he sucks because he just struck out. Lester is seemingly developing quite well, too bad the Twins couldn't snag him in that stupid Johan trade. Yeah, that's working out beautifully. Christ, the centerpiece of the Yankees offer was Phil Hughes and he's developed into a stud 8th inning setup guy - more than the Twins can say they got out of their actual trade right now, apologies to C-Go fans.
- Did I ever tell you how I almost played softball with J.D. Drew. True story. It was when he was holding out and playing for the Saints, and he was staying at a hotel down town where my friend Bear was working and they kind of got to be buddies. We were playing on the same softball team and Bear asked him if he would play with us, he said he would, but before we had our next game he finally signed and obviously couldn't play softball with a bunch of weirdos. Frickin' Scott Boras. One more week. One more week.
- Wait a minute. They're shooting something into the moon tonight? That's the coolest thing I've ever heard. Or, more accurately, an unmanned spacecraft launched in June will finally crash into the moon tonight in an attempt to find out if there is water or ice under the moon's surface. This seems pretty elaborate to test for something they could have found out with, you know, a shovel, in the 1960s. I'm guessing this is cover because the government has found out the Ko-Dan Armada is preparing to attack, and this is a covert test of our outer space missile defense system (OSMDS). You heard it here first.
- It seems I'm not paying any attention to the game, but it's now the bottom of the fifth with 1 out, runners on 1st and 3rd, and your boy Torii Hunter up again. And now he's no longer up because he just hit the longest home run of all-time to give the Angels a 3-0 lead. Jon Lester: he could beat cancer, but he couldn't beat Torii Hunter. Also my mom would like you all to know that she loves Torii, even though he doesn't have the sweetest ass in the league. That belongs to Johnny Damon.
- People who don't love baseball are idiots. Seriously. I bet if you did a correlation study where variable a = IQ and variable b = love of baseball, r would equal like, 0.9. For real.
- Did you see my Rockies tied up their series at 1-1? I'd report more on it, but the game was at 1:30 when I was at work because I have a real job. Rockies guy, take it away.
- I really didn't like On The Road. Sorry Dharma Bum. Sorry. I also feel like I'm getting really random. I think their might be some rum in this rum and coke.
- Football and IQ is probably like a -0.8. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
- Game update: Angels up 3-0, bottom of the seventh. Care level: dropping.
- Bobby Fatbreau is now 0-0 on the game with four walks. God that gives me such a boner.
- Hunter hit by pitch. Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to do that when he was with the Twins?
- Good thing the Sux brought in Mendoza or Ramirez or whatever Mexican that was so he could walk, HBP, and give up a hit. Bases loaded and nobody out. Good night Boston, you freaking retahds.
- Would you believe my parents down own a pizza cutter? True story.
- You know, Nick Blackburn is a better pitcher than A.J. Burnett. Unfortunately, the Yankees have a much better offense than the Twins, obviously. Just get a split in NY and let's get a little more dome magic, am I right?
- Some japanese guy almost got out of the jam but then instead gave up a two run double. So close. My dad's home now. He was at his bowling league tonight and then the bar. I'll be sure to let you know if he says anything wacky.
- Well now they're talking about my academic career and how I got Cs a lot because I would never ever hand in homework but would ace all the tests. Yeah, a non-conforming genius who plays by his own rules. What up, ladies?
- We're now getting a rundown of the bowling league tonight, so instead I'll tell you what's funny about the guys who are already getting thrown out as possible Free Agent targets of the Twins: Chone Figgins and J.J. Hardy. Guess who two of the top Targets are of the Tigers, according to my Tiger fan friends? Yep. And if you don't think there's about 15 other teams with those guys on their radar, you don't know dick.
- this game is lame, my parents aren't being funny, and I have to get up before dawn to head to the airport, so I'm going to shut 'er down. Look for a scheduled post of an ACC preview at around 1:30 or so tomorrow, then I'll be back Wednesday - so no Weekend Review this week. Hopefully you'll figure out a way to get over it. [of course, as I sign off I hear not only my parents discussing the merits of Nick Punto, but also hear my dad go on an absolute rant about Cub being sold out of roasted and salted soynuts, so I may be missing out on the good stuff]
- By the way, since I'm here I saw my mother is currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover (the book). Yes, I get it's supposed to be a classic, but of course I had to tease her about reading smut. Somehow this led to my mom talking for like five minutes and using words like penis and phallus. I think I need another drink. A double. Or triple.
- Now she just used the C-word. Not as a curse word, but explaining how they use "that word" a lot in her smut book. I swear to god I'm not making this up. And now I'm getting the whole synopsis of this book. It's basically porn. Some chick is married and screwing around but her husband told her to go ahead and get pregnant by some other dude. I don't know. I just came here to watch baseball, jesus.
- Somebody's on second for the Angels with one out. God please I need to change the subject of my brain.
- Did you know Jon Lester once had cancer and then came back and pitched a no-hitter?
- I should also mention my mom went to a wine-tasting tonight. Now she won't stop talking. I can't even concentrate on the game - I have no idea what's happening, but I can tell you that some daughter of someone my mom knows is not behaving very well. I don't know. I can't keep up with the stories.
- Bobby FatBreau walks, putting two on and one out for Torii Hunter, my mom's favorite player of all-time. So NOW we get to watch the game. I see how this works.
- Now the conversation has turned towards my blog, and she said I really need to "clean it up." Well F that. How am I supposed to clean it up with all this smut talk she's throwing my way.
- Hunter walks. I don't think I've ever seen that before. First time for everything I guess. So now we're loaded up for Guerrero. I haven't looked up his stats this year, but he used to be pretty awesome. Time to break this game open Vladdy.
- Vlad strikes out, swinging at three straight pitches and reminding me of Jose Morales. He used to remind me of Kirby Puckett, now he reminds me of Morales. I'm guessing he must have hit some sort of age wall here.
- My dad now called to have me check the playoff tickets that came in the mail today and tell him what section and row, so I missed the first two outs but now Roided-Ass David Ortiz is up. He hit no home runs early but hit 27 late, I wonder if he re-learned how to swing or if he started up another cycle.
- I just checked and this was Vlad's worst year of his career and by a lot. Also Ortiz whiffs. My mom seems to be slowing down.
- Did you know Vlad led the league in caught-stealing in 2002? It's true.
- I think Lester is wearing a Crain-necklace. Probably why the ump just made a horrendous call against the Sox. Kendrick on first and two outs and I think someone named Mathis is up. He might be a catcher but don't quote me on that.
- Well I don't know if he's a catcher but I know he sucks because he just struck out. Lester is seemingly developing quite well, too bad the Twins couldn't snag him in that stupid Johan trade. Yeah, that's working out beautifully. Christ, the centerpiece of the Yankees offer was Phil Hughes and he's developed into a stud 8th inning setup guy - more than the Twins can say they got out of their actual trade right now, apologies to C-Go fans.
- Did I ever tell you how I almost played softball with J.D. Drew. True story. It was when he was holding out and playing for the Saints, and he was staying at a hotel down town where my friend Bear was working and they kind of got to be buddies. We were playing on the same softball team and Bear asked him if he would play with us, he said he would, but before we had our next game he finally signed and obviously couldn't play softball with a bunch of weirdos. Frickin' Scott Boras. One more week. One more week.
- Wait a minute. They're shooting something into the moon tonight? That's the coolest thing I've ever heard. Or, more accurately, an unmanned spacecraft launched in June will finally crash into the moon tonight in an attempt to find out if there is water or ice under the moon's surface. This seems pretty elaborate to test for something they could have found out with, you know, a shovel, in the 1960s. I'm guessing this is cover because the government has found out the Ko-Dan Armada is preparing to attack, and this is a covert test of our outer space missile defense system (OSMDS). You heard it here first.
- It seems I'm not paying any attention to the game, but it's now the bottom of the fifth with 1 out, runners on 1st and 3rd, and your boy Torii Hunter up again. And now he's no longer up because he just hit the longest home run of all-time to give the Angels a 3-0 lead. Jon Lester: he could beat cancer, but he couldn't beat Torii Hunter. Also my mom would like you all to know that she loves Torii, even though he doesn't have the sweetest ass in the league. That belongs to Johnny Damon.
- People who don't love baseball are idiots. Seriously. I bet if you did a correlation study where variable a = IQ and variable b = love of baseball, r would equal like, 0.9. For real.
- Did you see my Rockies tied up their series at 1-1? I'd report more on it, but the game was at 1:30 when I was at work because I have a real job. Rockies guy, take it away.
- I really didn't like On The Road. Sorry Dharma Bum. Sorry. I also feel like I'm getting really random. I think their might be some rum in this rum and coke.
- Football and IQ is probably like a -0.8. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
- Game update: Angels up 3-0, bottom of the seventh. Care level: dropping.
- Bobby Fatbreau is now 0-0 on the game with four walks. God that gives me such a boner.
- Hunter hit by pitch. Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to do that when he was with the Twins?
- Good thing the Sux brought in Mendoza or Ramirez or whatever Mexican that was so he could walk, HBP, and give up a hit. Bases loaded and nobody out. Good night Boston, you freaking retahds.
- Would you believe my parents down own a pizza cutter? True story.
- You know, Nick Blackburn is a better pitcher than A.J. Burnett. Unfortunately, the Yankees have a much better offense than the Twins, obviously. Just get a split in NY and let's get a little more dome magic, am I right?
- Some japanese guy almost got out of the jam but then instead gave up a two run double. So close. My dad's home now. He was at his bowling league tonight and then the bar. I'll be sure to let you know if he says anything wacky.
- Well now they're talking about my academic career and how I got Cs a lot because I would never ever hand in homework but would ace all the tests. Yeah, a non-conforming genius who plays by his own rules. What up, ladies?
- We're now getting a rundown of the bowling league tonight, so instead I'll tell you what's funny about the guys who are already getting thrown out as possible Free Agent targets of the Twins: Chone Figgins and J.J. Hardy. Guess who two of the top Targets are of the Tigers, according to my Tiger fan friends? Yep. And if you don't think there's about 15 other teams with those guys on their radar, you don't know dick.
- this game is lame, my parents aren't being funny, and I have to get up before dawn to head to the airport, so I'm going to shut 'er down. Look for a scheduled post of an ACC preview at around 1:30 or so tomorrow, then I'll be back Wednesday - so no Weekend Review this week. Hopefully you'll figure out a way to get over it. [of course, as I sign off I hear not only my parents discussing the merits of Nick Punto, but also hear my dad go on an absolute rant about Cub being sold out of roasted and salted soynuts, so I may be missing out on the good stuff]
Friday, August 22, 2008
Twinkies v. Angels
I'm watching some show right now, and they are talking about some restaurant in Texas whose specialty is Chicken-friend bacon. Dear lord. I mean, you'd probably have a heart attack if you ate it twice in a year, but damn I bet that's tasty. Also, Texas is weird.
Also, guess who I'm friends with on Facebook now? The one. The only. The man, the myth, the legend: Rico Tucker. Sweet, sweet validation. Although his motto or whatever you call it is, "Rico Tucker is GRINDIN until he's tired, cause they say YOU AINT GRINDIN UNTIL YOU TIRED! Lookin to find a way thru the day, a Light for the night!". I don't really get it, but I'm old and white. And pretty much a square.
Anywhere, here we go, Twins/Angels. Yes, there's beer involved.
- I refuse to believe a guy named Joe Saunders can be a legit Cy Young candidate. Why not just give it to Pete Smith. Hey, Alexi is back. That's good news. The less Punto the better. Despite what I wrote that one other time. I'd link it, but I don't want to do all your work for you.
- Did I ever tell you about how my family won a trip to Texas to watch a four-game Twins series against the Rangers in 1987? And to make it even better for my 10-year old self, the Twins were on the same flight to Texas that we were. So we ran around with our baseball cards getting them signed. Kirby Puckett, Kent Hrbek, Gary Gaetti, and Tom Brunansky were all cool. Bert Blyleven has absolutely the nicest guy in the history of ever, taking time out of his day to help us out once we got to the Dallas Airport. Jeff Reardon was a total dick, and when he got arrested for bank robbery I was ecstatically happy. Way to go asshole! Maybe if you weren't suck a dick to two little kids who worshipped you, Karma wouldn't have made you a crazy retard who robs banks. Or you could have gotten away with it.
- Lexi is a really stupid name for a boy or a girl.
- Three freaking fantasy drafts this coming week. God I'm such a loser.
- I asked Mrs. W how she thought you'd pronounce Chone Figgins first name, and I got, "Chone? Cone? Hone? Onee? Idiotface?" I think it's safe to say if nobody can figure out how to pronounce your first name you should probably do something about that. Like, change it to Shawn. Or Shawon. Or Sean. Whatever. Fix it, jerk.
- Remember Domanick Davis?
- Do you ever wonder if guys like Vlad Guerrero or Kirby Puckett would be better if they had any semblance of an idea of the strike zone? I mean, on the one hand, if they were more disciplined it would cut down on their aggressiveness. Bu ton the other hand, that's a stupid argument and anyone making it should probably watch the olympics instead of baseball. Of COURSE they'd be better if they stopped swinging at pitches that were outside the strike zone. It's common sense, idiot.
- I love Ruiz hitting fifth here, since he's in for Kubel. Gardy is so predictable. Can't mess up the rest of the lineup. La la la. Oh crap, Punto is in anyway? And he's hitting seventh now? WTF? How horrible are you if you're Gomez and Everett? I almost miss Augie Ojeda.
- Dick just said, "It's so nice to see Gomez going the other way." Is that some kind of gay crack?
- Ha. Gay crack.
- Does anybody else think it's possible that Carlos Gomez is kind of retarded? It's like he gets out there and runs around like he's a little special. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I think he should consider seeing a doctor. Just to be safe.
- Another Delmon Young homerun. Is he coming on? Is this what we've been waiting for? He just drove the crap out of that ball deep to right-center and gave it a Manny Ramirez like homerun stare. How awesome would it be if he finds his power stroke finally? Especially with how good Matt Garza has been (10-7, 3.71 ERA, 1.23 WHIP - 2 shutouts).
- Ok, Span is dumb too. At least he can hit. An OBP over .400 and OPS+ of 133 over 233 plate appearances mean I don't think it's a fluke. His linedrive % of 26% is off the charts good, and will probably regress - I mean it pretty much has to - but it shows the dude can hit. He's second on the team behind just Brian Buscher, who is at an incredible 30% (that would be first in all of MLB if he had enough at bats).
- You know who's hot? A.J. Cook. See, look:
- Remember Garrett Anderson? He was really good before roids became illegal. He's no Garrett Atkins. or Garrett Stephenson. Hey, did you see Alex Stepheson, formerly of North Carolina, is transferring to USC? He was ranked #41 as an incoming freshman, so it's a pretty good get for the Trojans. He's petitioning to be eligible this year - and might get it due to his dad's illness. If he does, he and Demar Derozan will form quite the frontcourt. Reminiscent of the Coleman/Tollackson frontcourts of the mid 00s.
- FYI - the US lost to Cuba in the semi-finals of the Olympic tournament, meaning they can win at best the bronze if they can knock of Japan in the third place game - which happens to be going on right now. If you want to read some really stupid stuff, just poke around and people having a fit about the loss and saying that MLB should have found a way to send the best players to the Olympics. There's no way MLB would even be ok with this anyway, and there's no way they're okaying a two week suspension of play during the olympics - nor should they. The World Baseball Classic doesn't even get the best players. And the whole thing is irrelevant anyway because this is the last Olympics where baseball will be a sport - for now. So shutup Keith Law.
- Brendan Donnelly doesn't pitch for Anaheim anymore but I know for a fact he once got grabs from banging some minor league groupie on a balcony of a team house. Word.
- Span homerun to make it 8-0. That should do it, even with this shitbox bullpen. I'm calling it a night. If I wake up tomorrow and the Twins' lost, I'm going to hunt you down.
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