Placeholder: Week in Review

I will have a Week in Review post up Monday night-ish so keep your shirt on unless you're a chick in which case send pics.  Seriously I got home from tonight's game and there were like 400 people at my house and I'm now too drunk and apathetic to bother writing anything.  I will say, however, it's very nice that the Gophers already broke me so I could watch tonight's drubbing without wanting to kill myself.  So just hold on to your panties, post will be up soon.

Spoiler alert:  TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

Week in Review - 12/12/2011

There's no Gopher talk below because meh.  I'm sorry, they blew out St. Peter's which is exactly what they're supposed to do.  I just don't care.  I could probably break down all the players' shit or whatever but again, it was against St. Peter's so it's all basically meaningless.  Well not totally meaningless, I mean it's nice to see them work over a shitbox team they way they should so that's encouraging.  And I know this is a Gopher blog and I should write up every single game but in my defense fuck that shit.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Anaheim Angels.  Ok so yeah, the Pujols' contract is probably too long and the C.J. Wilson contract is probably a little much for somebody who hasn't shown he can be a true ace, but the Angels just grabbed the best hitter and best pitcher on the market.  As someone who thinks a team should spend as much as they can and as much as they want to win and doesn't get all revved up about big market vs. small market discrepancies (I don't hate the Yankees and Red Sox because they have more money, I hate them because they're assholes), I think it's an awesome move to say "Yeah, this is probably more than these guys are worth, but we can afford it and it makes us better."  Pretty sweet week to be an Angel fan, and with Pujols, Kendry Morales assuming he's ok, and Mark Trumbo now on board they have a pretty sweet trade chip which, if they're lucky, they can use to also persuade somebody to take Torii Hunter or Vernon Wells' contract.  And now they have Wilson, Dan Haren, and Jered Weaver at the front of the rotation.  Yeah, nice.  I'd say this makes up for the Napoli thing.


2.  Indiana Hoosiers.  Well that was a pretty awesome game.  Huge win for the Hoosiers, and they're definitely on the way back but I'm not convinced they're good.  I mean really they shouldn't even have won that game but John Calipari was too busy counting his illegal monies to actually coach.  Do you realize Indiana was down 2 with 6 seconds left and Kentucky had TWO fouls to give.  So you wait until the guy catches the ball in the back court, let him get 2-3 dribbles down and foul.  Then, when they take it out on the side, you waste another second and foul again, and at this point Indiana has like one second left and the ball out of bounds on the side at mid-court.  Boom.  You can choose to blame Calipari or you can choose to blame his players instead, but I contend that Calipari coached those players so IN YOUR FACE.   

3.  Michigan State Spartans.  Pretty good weekend for the B1G 10 (outside of Ohio State) and Michigan State's win over Gonzaga in Spokane (or wherever the hell Gonzaga is) was a very good one.  What I found most interesting was Draymond Green's line.  Usually he's all like, I'm gonna grab a bunch of boards and dish some assists and score some points and just kind of facilitate the offense, but in this one he just took the hell over and scored 34 of their 75 points (no other Spartan hit double figures) and really didn't do anything else (2 rebs, 3 asst) and was like a completely different person than usual.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  Like one time I had this friend who was a huge drunk and he was hilarious but he drank like all the time and then he stopped drinking and we were like good for you that will make you so much healthier but then he wasn't funny any more and was kind of lame and I haven't talked to him in a long time.


4.  Devoe Joseph.  Royce White is probably the best player in the Big 12 (FACT!!), Justin Cobbs is a valuable member of Cal's almost certainly NCAA Tournament squad, and now Devoe makes his debut for Oregon and leads them in scoring with 18, throwing in 4 assists (to 1 TO) to boot.  That's always fun.  I'm fucking pissed at Devoe.  I liked him too much for him to just turn his back on me like this, then show up with some west coast hippie dude looking sexier than ever.  That was a metaphor.  Also, because I don't know where else to put this and I can't remember my twitter password, I just want to mention that I'm alone in my basement and I'm choosing to watch The Next Iron Chef rather than football.  Does that make me gay?

5.  Rob Gronkowski.  Do you remember how when you used to play Tecmo Super Bowl sometimes Christian Okoye would be in "excellent" condition and then when you'd run with him you'd actively look for defensive players to just run over and bounce them right the fuck out of the screen?  That's like Gronky, he's just sick.  Completely untackleable.  It doesn't even matter if it's some pussy ass little safety or some big fat defensive lineman, nobody can bring this dude down.  And he's not just some big bruiser, he's got hands that are baby soft.  I once saw Randy Johnson whip an egg at his head at 98 mph and he just cradled it in and the thing didn't even break.  Then he humped a porn star and when he was done she was all like "you're the best I've ever had" and he was all like "yeah don't call me."  True story.


WHO SUCKED


1.   Joe Webb Fans.  Are you people serious?  After a very nice day at the bar with Dawger and Bear (ps suck it $nake), I happened to be listening to the after game call-in show or whatever for the Vikings and I'm pretty sure people are completely out of their damn minds.  Hosts and callers both, because there was apparently a for real debate about whether Webb or Ponder should be the Viking QB of the future.  Guess what geniuses, Joe Webb sucks at throwing a football.  Did you even watch the game?  He was missing open receivers by five freaking yards and I'm not exaggerating.  He's not Mike Vick bad or even Terrelle Pryor bad, he makes them look like me playing bar league football - dead on balls accurate.  Yes he's fast.  Fun.  But Ponder might be an actual real life QB, even if that throw across the body crap was the worst throw in the history of football.  Webb is a bit and you're dumb.  You know damn well you love him, don't lie to me.

2.  Creighton Blue Jays.  Could be the return of the curse of DWG, or could just be that Creighton sucks balls because after getting out to a blistering start that actually had me complimenting a Missouri Valley team, Creighton sucked big-time this weekend getting rolled by St. Joseph's.  Creighton allowed St. Joe's to shoot 49%, sent them to the line 29 times and got there just 9 themselves, and was out-rebounded 37-24.  They also allowed someone named Carl Jones to score 29 points.  I don't really have else to add since I don't really know that much about either team or care, but I did bet a decent amount on Creighton to win this one so I'm a little peeved.

3.  Memphis Tigers.  Speaking of betting oh my god I suck at betting so much when it's not props.  How the hell could Memphis possibly lose to Murray State at home?  Murray State isn't even good.  They're not even mediocre, and that's why Memphis was an 11 point favorite but instead of winning by eleven they just flat out lost.  Which made sense because I got raped like an Egyptian geisha this weekend.  But really, could Pastnor have learned from Calipari any better?  Recruit great athletes, stress defense, refuse to run anything remotely resembling a real offense and just hope your players can outplay your opponent - exactly like Kentucky these days.  Too bad Murray State is boring and disciplined.  I hate that shit.

4.  Manchester United.  Wow.  Just wow.  How do you lose to Basel, and how do you get knocked out in the Group Stage in Champions League?  This is the first time since 2005 Man U hasn't made it to the knockout round.  Also I told the swamp donkey to sock it before I gave her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and had her lick my yarbles.

5.  The Xavier/Cincy Fight.  As someone who continually rips hockey because most of the "fans" of the "sport" care more about the fighting than the game I need to weight in here and say that the fight was stupid and dumb and stupid.  But you know what's even more stupid?  The people who are trying to blow this thing out of proportion and act like programs should be shut down and players should be kicked off teams.  Yes, punching some ugly white dude in the head isn't a good thing and stomping on some guy who's already on the ground is probably not a resume builder, but this is the ugliest rivalry in college hoops and has been for years.  The whole game (and pre-game really) was chippy and bitchy and you could see this shit coming when the refs didn't step in like asap.  Yes, it's a black mark on the game but it's not like somebody was engaging in a little horseplay in the showers here so let's settle down.  Also those people who are condemning Holloway for his "gangster" comment need to fucking relax.  He's not saying they're Crips for christ's sake, it's called his vernacular.  Relax, whitey.


By the way, this Tebow shit is ridiculous.  Every week it's the same thing - suck badly and embarrassingly for 3.5 quarters and then tear shit up in the last 6 minutes.  Once again it happened this week.  When I left the bar the Broncos were down 10-0, the offense had done nothing, and Tebow had 45 yards passing.  When I got home it turned out the Broncos won and Tebow threw for over 200 yards.  I mean how does this shit happen every single week?  It's crazy, and I gotta tell ya I think I've gone from Tebow hater to semi-on the bandwagon.  Seriously if he wasn't silly religious I'd probably be all aboard, but who am I to question god?  And if I was going to I'd probably start with the platypus anyway, then move on to general human misery and/or specific events like the holocaust or that tidal wave thing, and then eventually get to Tebow.  That sentence kind of got away from me.  Anyway, has there ever been such a lock for #2 in MVP voting?  Every single writer is going to go Rodgers #1 and Tebow #2.  And if they pick somebody other than Rodgers they're going to go that guy #1 and Tebow #2.  He's going to finish in second with zero #1 votes.  Right?  Because nobody would voluntarily vote him #1, right?  RIGHT?

Also I have $2 on Tebow to win MVP which would get me $200 so I'm on board.  Choo choo.

Week in Review - 10/31/2011

You know you've missed it. 

WHO WAS AWESOME


1.  Gopher football.  Awesome is probably a bit strong, but when the team is looking, convincingly, like they're unlikely to win another football game all year and there's no reason to root for them to lose because, it turns out, there's no draft picks in college football, this win is a bit of a relief, and the fact that it comes against Iowa, even in a down year for them, makes it all the sweeter.  I thought the storming of the field was a bit much and kind of embarrassing, but I'm probably not the right person to make that judgement (full disclosure:  I watched maybe 10 minutes of the game).  For those sickos that live and die with the Gopher football squadron, perhaps this was a "storm the field" worthy event.  Too each is own, even the weird psychos.

2.  Case Keenum.   You know the drill with Houston QBs by now - or at least you should - and Keenum is the latest big numbers Cougar QB, and Thursday against Rice might have been his magnum opus as he threw for 534 yards and 9, yes 9, touchdowns, an NCAA record, all while setting the all-time record for career TD passes.  So yeah, he puts up huge numbers, no doubt.  But there's a reason Andre Ware and David Klingler flamed out in the NFL and Kevin Kolb seems to be heading in that direction.  There's a reason Timmy Change and Colt Brennan and Graham Harrell aren't playing on Sundays and Ty Detmer was a career back-up.  Gimmicky offenses can put up big numbers and even win games when you aren't playing great teams, but NFL success is certainly not tied to it - and may even be inversely proportional.  That being said, Houston has perfected this system and used it for years, and it's god damn fun to watch. 

3.  Justin Blackmon.  Oklahoma State has a big-time offense.  They're third in the NCAA in total offense, fourth in passing offense, and second in points scored.  So yeah, they're putting up big numbers.  That's why when one player accounts for over half the team's catches and more than 62% of their passing yards, which Blackmon did with his 13 catch-172 yard-2 TD game in a 59-24 win over Baylor, it's worth mentioning.  Of course, it's not like this is out of the ordinary for Blackmon, who is top-3 in the Big 12 in catches, yards, and touchdowns and is 4th, 14th, and 2nd in all of NCAA D-I.  He's an interesting case because he clearly is in a class above college d-backs, but scouts say he lacks the true speed that a top flight NFL receiver needs and the stats bare that out - his ypc of 11.3 is 28th in the B12 and 275th in D-I.   He could end up an NFL star, a possession receiver, or even a complete washout and I wouldn't be surprised at this point.  If I had to bet I'd lean star, but those ypc and 4-time measurements are a concern.  For now though, he's nearly unstoppable.


4.  Cam Newton.  It's not often that I admit I'm wrong - mainly because it hardly ever happens - but I missed the boat on Newton big-time.  I thought Auburn tailored their offense to fit his talents so much that he wouldn't have a shot at transitioning to an NFL scheme because you actually have to make more than one read.  Even after he burst on the scene with that 400 yard passing game I figured it was just fluky, and still was in that camp when he did it a second time.  All season he's put up good numbers and I've convinced myself it was fake somehow, but after watching him on Sunday there's no doubt in my mind that he's got a real shot to be a star, and at worst will be a quality NFL QB.  I suppose there's still a chance he ends up more Kordell Stewart than Randall Cunningham (because we can only compare black QBs to black QBs, you see), but he is already one hell of a QB.  

5. Steven Jackson.  The Rams picked up their first win of the season on Sunday and did it in pretty impressive fashion, taking out an awfully good Saints team 31-21 and doing it with A.J. Feeley playing quarterback.  Of course the reason they were able to pull it off had very little to do with Feeley, and mainly happened because Jackson pulled a Kirby Puckett moment and put the whole team on his back.  Jackson rushed for 159 yards and 2 TDs and added 32 more yards receiving, all of which means he ended up accounting for over half the Rams yards in the game.  I don't really have anything interesting to add, just thought it was notable because I've had Jackson on a couple of my fantasy teams and he's been pissing me off all year.  Nice to see him do something.  Jerk.


WHO SUCKED

1.   Ron Washington.  I don't know how else to say it, but this guy is a terrible game manager, more married to old school ways than even Ron Gardenhire, which is extra funny because he was actually a coach on those Oakland A's teams when Moneyball was written.  And even if you forget all about his constant infatuation with sacrifice bunts and stealing bases/hit and runs, he made some just horrible calls.  After the rainout he could have saved Derek Holland and pitched him in Game 7 - following up his nearly complete game shutout in Game 4 - but instead used him in relief (instead of Mike Adams or Mike Gonzalez, relief specialists they traded for at the deadline) and used a shaky Matt Harrison in Game 7 instead.  Then there's the constant use of Alexi Ogando out of the pen despite the clear evidence that he was gassed, Esteban German being used as a pinch-hitter more than Mitch Moreland, and Mike Adams pitching fewer innings than Darren Oliver.  I wouldn't blame him for the Rangers losing, after all they have to play the games and it's not like he can run for Ian Kinsler or tie a rope around his waist to keep him from getting picked off like those weird parents who put their kids on leashes and they make them all cute like a monkey backpack but we all know it's a leash you weirdo, but he sure didn't help.

2. Wisconsin.  It's so sweet.  The dirty dirtball Badgers, looking by all rights to be a legit contender to make the BCS National Championship game (where they would have no doubt gotten embarrassed) just straight blew everything to hell.  Two weeks ago they lost at Michigan State on that hail mary which was sweet as your mom's ass and knocked them pretty much out of national title contention, and just to make sure this season goes down as a complete disaster in Sconnietown they lost on Saturday against a super crappy Ohio State team.  That, of course, gives them two losses and essentially knocks them completely out of any kind of BCS bowl contention.  All that has to happen now is Green Bay to not win the Super Bowl and the Badger hoop team to miss the tournament and you gotta call it a pretty good year.  Yes, apparently it's come to this.

3. Kevin Kolb.  Oh my god this guy is terrible.  I mean, he's just awful.  I got to see a little bit of the Zona/Baltimore game and he holds the ball too long and then makes terrible decisions/throws when he does finally get rid of it.  Even worse, when Peyton went down I needed a QB for my keeper league team and after getting snaked on Stafford I ended up going for Kolb as my "QB of the future."  Christ on a cracker that isn't working out.  I've since traded for Sam Bradford but since he's been in a walking boot (I don't even know what that means - as Nancy Sinatra said all boots are made for walkin') for two weeks I've actually started Christian Ponder over Kolb.  And now, after finally getting to watch him, he's about to be cut and we're going to roll with Ponder until Bradford gets unhurt.  WHAT A GREAT DRAFT PICK BY ME THAT WAS! 

4.  Tony Romo.  Is it just me, or does Romo play well against crappy teams and then always fall on his dick whenever he's playing anybody good or in a big game?  This goes all the way back to the time he dropped that snap in the playoff game, but he might have saved his best for tonight against the Eagles, a prime time that was supposed to be a big chance for Dallas to make a statement - and I suppose they did.  He was just garbage.  Other than a bunch of late, garbage-time yards and a fluky 70-yard touchdown he did nothing, and he's killing Dez Bryant, maybe the most talented receiver in the game.  I almost hope they somehow manage to make the playoffs just so we can watch Romo destroy all Cowboy fans' hopes and dreams.  Because that's always fun.

5.  Tim Tebow.  This experiment can't go on for too much longer, can it?  He's just terrible.  I get the allure, both from a skills standpoint as well as a PR/publicity/marketing standpoint and there are an enormous amount of people out there (and Jesus) who desperately want him to succeed.  But it's just not going to happen.  He's terrible.  He's what I thought Cam Newton was going to be.  His accuracy on his throws is far below Michael freaking Vick, and I'm pretty sure if he and Terrelle Pryor had an "accuracy-off" Pryor would actually win, probably the only person in America he could beat.  There's basically no chance the Broncos win another game if they stick with him.  


And I will always be thankful to sports jesus, who makes sure that just as the World Series is ending and you feel all sad about it, you don't have long to feel bad because the only other sport that matters, college basketball, is already here.  Yeah, that's right.  You might not even be aware of it, but both Michigan State and Missouri played (and won) exhibition games on Sunday heralding the beginning of the college hoops season.  (NOTE:  I'm sure other teams played too, these are just the two I am aware of).  Of Note:  MSU's freshman power forward Branden Dawson had a nice debut, leading the team with 15 points and 9 rebounds (and 14 field goal attempts) while Draymond Green seems already settled in the dude they run the offense through, going for 11 points, 6 rebounds, and 8 assists, which shouldn't really be a surprise because he's awfully damn good.  Seriously, we're gonna see at least a couple triple-doubles out of him this year.  With no real point guard he's going to basically run that team.  You could do a lot worse.



Finally, because I haven't talked nearly enough cooking lately and with college hoops firing up I probably won't, here's a pretty stellar Jamaican Jerk rub I used over the weekend:

1 T Coriander
1 T Brown Sugar
1 T Ginger
1/2 T Onion Powder
1/2 T Garlic Powder
1/2 T Salt
1/2 T Cayenne Pepper
1 t Black Pepper
1 t Thyme
1/2 t Cinnamon
1/2 t allspice
1/2 t cloves

Combine, throw it in a baggie/bowl with some wings or drumsticks and coat, then toss in a crockpot on low for 3-5 hours.  The ginger smells really strongly and you'll end up worrying you're making ginger wings, but they end up just fine.  Give 'her a shot.


Also Happy Halloween, jerks!  I hope at least one of you gets hit by a truck.

Weekend Review

Better late than never, as Dawger wasn't fortunate enough to get to say to Siouper Sioux Fan.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Bill Smith.  Getting Fuentes isn't exactly like stealing away a top of the line reliever, but it does help shore up the bullpen, particularly from the left side because the pick up of Randy Flores was basically worthless.  Fuenes's numbers this year are good, but not great (3.55 ERA and 1.20 WHIP) and are buoyed by a low .250 BABIP, but he's extremely tough on lefties both this year (.132 average against) and in his career (.213).  In fact, lefties this year are hitting .132/.209/.158 against him his season, an OPS+ of 10 which is unheard of and means LH batters are 90% worse against him than he league average.  He's given up just five hits against lefties this year (in 38 at-bats), only one for extra bases, and has 15 strikeouts against 3 walks.  As a left-handed set-up guy who cost you just a player to be named later, which usually means someone below a non-prospect, this is a steal.  Bill Smith might not be a wizard at the deadline, but he's proven himself to be awfully good after the waiver deadline.

2.  Nick Blackburn.  I guess we'll stick with the Twins theme, because you saw that gem coming?  The statistically worst starting pitcher in the entire major leagues this year comes back from AAA in just his second start and throws a near shutout that probably would have been a shut out if his crappy offense had managed to scrap together more than one run?  Inconceivable.  He threw strikes (66 of 98 pitches) and actually struck guys out (6 Ks - most in a game since May '09), and shut the Mariners down despite not getting a huge amount of groundballs (50/50 split).  In other words, this is almost certainly a huge fluke thanks to Seattle being a terrible offensive team.  But hey, we might as well enjoy it, even if the text I got from Dawger "Blacky is back with avengance (sic)!" isn't exactly true.  Or maybe it is completely true, just means something different than what he thinks.  

3.  Daniel Hudson.  I know Edwin Jackson has been pretty lights out for the Sox, but Hudson has been pretty lights out since they shipped him to Arizona as well, and he's also four years younger and makes 4% per year of what Jackson does, plus he's under team control for quite a while.  He had another brilliant outing over the weekend, going 7 innings and allowing just four hits and 2 runs on his way to a win over the Giants.  Since coming to the NL, he's pitched in six games posting an aggregate 1.65 ERA, 0.88 WHIP, and a 42-8 strikeout-to-walk ratio.  Wow.  I know it's the NL and all, but that's just outstanding.  I don't care what Edwin Jackson does the rest of the way, giving up Hudson for him (as well as another good prospect, an18-year old pitcher doing well in rookie ball) is straight up getting fleeced.  Now if the Dodgers can tease another good prospect out of them for Manny, the Sox will have completely tanked their future for a second place division finish.  And that, my friends, is simply awesome. [UPDATE:  Well the Dodgers gave up Manny for nothing.  Way to puss out, pussies.  This is why nobody likes the West Coast.]

4.  Matt Kuchar.  Kuchar outlasted everybody else at the Barclays to pick up what is kind of his first PGA Tour win.  He technically has two others, but one came in a Fall Series event and the other came way back in 2002.  And frankly he deserved way more than Martin Laird, who choked it away and then lost to Kuchar in the playoff.  Laird was in trouble the entire final round (on his way to an even par day while Kuchar shot -5) and only kept himself in it due to a very hot putter that had him saving par from 10 feet or so multiple times on the day.  Plus, Laird sucks, while Kuchar has dominated this year without winning, notching nine top 10s this year and missing just two cuts all year.  He deserved it, and I'm glad he won. Plus Laird is a commie.

5.  Tim Tebow.  Haters better back up, because it looks like NFL rookie-of-the-year is going to be a two man race between Friar Tuck and Dez Bryant.  Tebow should be starting over Orton by week four after the show he put on, and it's sad that some of you people doubted him just because of his relationship with his personal lord and savior Jesus, who loves him so that he takes a rooting interest in Tebow's football games.  Jealous much, hater?  He can still pass (like in college), he can still run (like in college), although he's now picked up a new skill - throwing the ball to Eric Decker.  Sorry haters, looks like Jesus is going to be adding a NFL ROY trophy to his trophy room soon, and probably a Lombardi Trophy right after that.  Tebow has a message for the NFL:  "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through
the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike
down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!" 


WHO SUCKED

1.  Phil Mickelson.  Ok, so maybe it's nit-picking to find fault with the #2 ranked golfer in the world who has won 46 pro tournaments and 4 majors, but is there anybody on tour who disappoints as often as he does?  He's had chance after chance lately to supplant Tiger at the top of the rankings, but hasn't been able to come through, finishing outside the top 45 at the Bridgestone and the British.  He did bounce back to finish 12th at the PGA, although he was never really in contention, and then missed the cut this weekend at the Barclays.  Seriously, take his inability to take that #1 ranking, couple it with all the meltdowns at the U.S. Open (he has 5 second-place finishes), and his poor Ryder Cup showings (he's second in US history with 14 losses and a 10-14-6 career mark), and the second best golfer of his generation might also be the most disappointing.

2.  Stephen Strasburg.  The game of baseball may never be the same.  Of course I'm mostly kidding (Wieters is still in the league, after all) but with Strasburg heading for Tommy John surgery we may be looking at the ultimate what-if.  I know we are watching a success story as Twins fans in Francisco Liriano right now, but that doesn't mean everybody can bounce back that well.  For a guy like Strasburg, the rare talent who was hyped to an unrealistic level and then met that level anyway, well this just sucks.  I'm bummed out as a baseball fan, I can't imagine what a Nationals fan must be feeling like right now.  Good thing there aren't any.

3.  Matt Leinart.  I'm starting to wonder if he's ever going to get it.  Nobody has been given more opportunities to become a star than Leinart, with talent around him that should help the process (great receivers, good line, good defense), and nobody has dropped the ball more often.  He was supposed to be the starter last year, but a poor preseason and lackluster work ethic pushed him behind Kurt Warner again.  Now this year, although his stats look fine in the preseason thus far, he's been demoted behind Derek Anderson.  Derek freaking Anderson.  This guy must have some kind of terrible attitude behind the scenes, and although that will get broads in the hot tub and make Snake fall in love with you, it seems NFL coaches don't necessarily love that.  He's like the anti-Tebow.

  

4.  John Danks.  I love this.  A few weeks ago when Danks shut down the Twins in a big game I happened to be watching the Sox feed at one point and Hawk and whoever the other guy are were tossing around phrases like "Bulldog", "Ace", "Big game pitcher", and "my first choice to pitch for me in a life or death situation."  Awesome, because with the Twins continuing to win the Sox need to keep pace and they were going up against Sabathia and the Yanks with Danksy on the hill - a big game if I've ever seen one.  Well the "bulldog" got bulldogged by the A-Rodless Yankees, giving up 8 runs in four innings, giving up 3 dongs and walking four.  Nice clutch outing.  I haven't seen an "ace" implode like that since John Tudor. 

5.  NCAA Fascists.  FREE OTO OSENIEKS!  FREE OTO OSENIEKS!  FREE OTO OSENIEKS!  FREE OTO OSENIEKS!  FREE OTO O.........    

NFL draft blog

I'm going to be paying halfway attention the the NFL draft tonight - only halfway because Mama W would kill me if I tried to make her watch the whole thing and also because I would end up bored out of my mind - so I figured I might as well put down some thoughts while I wait for the Vikes to make a terrible pick sometime after my bed time.

-  So far I've already heard the Donkey Kong Sue is a "great gap penetrator."  That was followed by me giggling for about twenty minutes.

-  We just had pick 5, safety Eric Berry to Kansas City.  I'm still on the channel and I heard him compared to Kenny Easley and Ronnie Lott in teh same sentence.  I think maybe everybody should calm down.

-  Are the Twins ever going to sweep?  Yeah, yeah, it's early and all that jazz, but this lack of a killer instinct popping up already isn't exactly my most favorite thing ever (that would either be Spicy Garlic wings from BW3 or Audrina Patridge.  No wait, my daughter.  I meant my daughter).  That's the third time now they've won the first two games of a series and then lost the third one with the opportunity to sweep, and I know I'm not the only one who noticed because I got an email from Snacks about it and I heard Barreiro talking about it on the radio.  Also that's four straight games where Rauch hasn't picked up a save.  How is he supposed to beat the record (is it K-Rod's now, or still Thigpen?) at this pace?  And how is he supposed to win us our fantasy league as the SOD?  I'm very irritated with the hometown 9 right now.

-  I did get to check out Target Field earlier this week, however, and I can say that all the praise you've been hearing is accurate, and might even be underselling it.  It's a great, great place to watch a ballgame, there's great food and plenty of places to get it, and there are bars and booze kiosks everywhere.  Honestly, my first reaction is that it is PERFECT.  They could have just given us any old outdoor park and people would sing its praises, but they really nailed it.  I could easily just live there happily.

-  I'm not exactly sure why people are talking about the Vikings getting Claussen at pick 30.  If he does start to slide into the 20s, some team with an early second rounder is going to trade up to leap frog the Vikes and get him.  I'm not even sure I really want him.  Not sure about Tebow either.  I think Snacks summed it up pretty well in this email he sent me earlier today,  

"I don’t know that I would be that much more excited about Claussen than I would about Tebow though.  I don’t think Claussen’s a sure thing.  Plus the newest reports all talk about his giant ego and other makeup issues (so he’s basically the anti-Tebow:  less doubt about ability and more doubt about makeup – this might be the first time I’m favoring the guy with the better makeup over the guy with the arguably better talent in my life.  Although I read something about Tebow being a virgin and that’s just silly.  I judge him negatively for that and view it as a character flaw.)"

Makes a lot of sense.

-  Naturally, the Raiders have to go off the board.  I won't pretend to know anything about the guy they took, but I know from reading that he was more of a mid-late teens kind of guy according to most of mock drafts and all that I looked at.  Which amounted to one.

-  Spiller to the Bills, huh?  Interesting.  I've heard two different scouting reports, one of which called him the next Chris Johnson, the other which said he's more of a Reggie Bush.  I don't think you can get much more separation than that.  That's like if you're out of town and the concierge tells you he can send a girl up to your room, and she'll either remind you of Megan Fox or Tony Siragusa.

-  If you're a big enough nerd, you might have heard that Marquis Teague, a class of 2011 point guard who is ranked as the #2 overall prospect by Rivals, committed to Kentucky today.  That shouldn't be a huge surprise given that he's the top point guard for the class and Calipari has a pretty good legacy (Derrick Rose, Tyreke Evans, John Wall, Brandon Knight) so it's practically a tradition, but one guy who is really seeing things suddenly fall apart is Rick Pitino.  Teague's father played for Pitino a long time ago, Pitino had been recruiting Teague two solid years before Calipari came into the picture, Pitino hired Teague's high school coach as an assistant, and Teague was essentially all but committed to play at Louisville last summer.  Combine this loss with top 10 recruit Michael Chandler's decision to de-commit from the Ville and the loss of Jeremy Tyler to play overseas last year after having committed to play for Pitino, not to mention all the personal crap going on, and it feels like Pitino is taking the program down.  Down, down, down.   

-  Chargers trade up to take Ryan Mathews out of Fresno and no relation to Cory.  I predict he will be the first pick in many, many fantasy keeper leagues this year.  Welcome to Bustville.  Population = you.

-  This is a lot more entertaining that I remember the draft being in the past.  When Mama W gets home and makes me change the channel I'm actually going to be kind of bummed out.  Oh well.  Booze always kills those feelings of sadness.  That Nic Cage guy had it right in that Las Vegas movie.

-  So the NCAA Tournament is expanding to 68 teams, which I think is awesome if they don't make the four play-in games between the 8 worst teams, thus essentially eliminating four conferences from the "real" tournament right away.  They need to make the play-in games between the last 8 at-large teams in order to grab the four twelve seeds.  They could make a whole day of it, one game each at like noon, 3, 6, and 9pm and call it Bubble Tuesday^TM. That's got a magical ring to it. I'm glad I thought of it and came up with it all on my own and Bogart didn't come up with this idea five years ago at all, no matter what he tells you.  Remember, all lawyers are liars.  Just watch Liar Liar.

-  I'M JOSE CANSECOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-  Good god is New York State of Mind or whatever it's called overplayed at every single sporting event that has anything remotely related to New York.  It's gotten to the point where it's almost as irritating as the wave or Chris Berman.

-  Mort, who is starting to look suspiciously like a cross of John Madden and Pat Summerall, tells us that if the 49ers don't take Claussen at 17 he's going to fall to the end of the first round.  I can see Arizona taking him at #26, but other than that if he doesn't go at 16 to Tennessee (he will) or the 9ers at 17 there's nobody else who needs a QB.  But again, it's almost certain somebody would trade up to jump the Vikes to get him.  I'm now dreading the almost certainty that they're going to draft Tebow, although I'm strangely titillated at the thought as well.

-  Derrick Morgan is also the name of a character on the pretty good CBS show Criminal Minds.  Good show.  When Inigo Montoya left I thought it was going to go downhill, but the Voice of Fat Tony has been even better.  Plus, both A.J. Cook and Paget Brewster?  Rawr.

-  Claussen officially slips past the 49ers.  Let the games begin.  I'm finding myself hoping he slips all the way down to the Vikings.  Who knew?

-  They just showed a trailer for a movie called "The Losers."  I missed most of it, but I'm assuming it's about the readers of this blog.  Zing.

-  The talking heads on ESPN want us to know that this is the year the Texans finally break through.  Yep, for the fourth year in a row, THIS is the Texans year.

-  Interesting.  They sent a reporter to the house of each of the three borderline first-round QBs:  Erin Andrews to Jimmy Claussen's house, some other nubile young blond to Colt McCoy's house, and Jeremy Schapp to Tebow's house.  I wonder if they planned to send a chick to all three, but when the girl got to Tebow's house he was like "Begone foul temptress!  The sight of thine flesh offends God, and brings a plague of demons uponest the earth!  Thou art banished from my home!  Go forth and pray for forgiveness, vile strumpet, for the stain of the devil's sin is upon your bosom!"

-  Denver takes Demaryius Thomas over Dez Bryant because they are so afraid of a little attitude from their wideouts since they had to ship out Brandon Marshall.  Seriously, you need swagger from your receivers if you want them to be good.  Name one good receiver who wasn't cocky?  You kind of want to say Marvin Harrison, but then you have to remember he shot a bunch of holes in people with a fat-ass handgun, so you can't really go there, can you?  Case closed.

-  This is really going to suck if the Packers take Dez Bryant here.

-  Good.  This Beluga kid was a possible top 10 pick so it sucks the Pack got a steal, but I really didn't want them to get Bryant.  Remember how Randy Moss lit up the Pack his rookie year?  It would have been the same thing.

-  Mountain Dew or Crab Juice?

-  Dez to the Cowboys.  This is either an absolutely perfect match or it's going to be a complete and total disaster.  There is no in-between.  You hear me?  There is no in-between.  Honestly, what a great pick.  This is going to go down with the Vikes' pick of Moss as one of the great first round steals of all-time.  I love this guy.  I think his downside is Chad Johnson.  Yes, downside.  Which means his upside is Jesus.

-  Tebow to Denver?  How odd.  I mean, it's clear to anybody with a brain that Orton isn't exactly the answer, but didn't they just trade for Brady Quinn?  What, exactly, are they doing?  I kind of feel like that McDaniels guy thinks he's a lot smarter than he really is.  Like he's trying to be all creative and innovative and live up to Bill Belichick's example, but this feels like a waste of a pick to me.  Maybe they'll make him a fullback.

-  Some nerd is interviewing Tebow right now and I desperately wish I was watching the actual TV coverage instead of a silent internet feed, but instead we are now watching the Office so I can't complain.  And Pam or Erin has become a legitimate question at this point.  I think I secretly wished the Vikings got Tebow.  My god, the jokes.  God I hope the Vikings draft a super religious virgin.

-  Holy crap this god interview is going on forever.  I wonder god what Tegod is saying?  I wonder if he god referenced god at all, or if it was god about football questions about god adn how he thinks he can god make an impact on the god field as a god quarterback god god.

-  Arizona takes a non-Claussen, which means there are three picks before the Vikes and Claussen is on the board and I'm officially really hoping he ends up a Viking.  Seriously, he could have been a top 10 pick and they can get him at 30?  And he lines up to take over for Favre perfectly.  I really hope this happens.

-  Damn, the Pats have this pick, and they're the kings of trading down, so I fully expect somebody to jump up grab Claussen right here.

-  Nope, they keep it and take somebody something.  Neither Miami or the Jets need a QB, so it's either a trade or they got a shot at Claussen.  They have to take him, don't they?  The guy could have been a top 10 pick and nobody would have batted an eye, and now he can be had at 30?  And it's a position of need?  God, they have to do it, right?  This would be a steal.  I'm actually excited.

-  By the way, how much did Tebow and all his ding-dong friends look like they belonged on Jersey Shore?  But with more bibles and probably more working out.  And also likely more suppressed longingly gay looks.

I'm going to miss the jokes so much.

-  Miami and the Jets both pass on Claussen, so he's just sitting there for the Vikings.  They better take him.  There is zero reason not to.

-  And they trade the pick to the Lions.  That's super boring, although I guess it makes tomorrow more interesting.  Oh, and with that I'm bored and going to stop typing.