MLB Preview: National League

Since I just learned today that baseball starts up for real on Thursday, which seems ridiculously early but is apparently real, I better get going with my baseball previews.  I'll start with the National League today, and go onto the AL tomorrow.  If you want to know who you should target in your fantasy league, feel free to just go ahead and take a gander at the bottom of this post.  That's your championship team, folks.


Once again, you can consider these to be equivalent to clairvoyant looks into the future.  I almost never get anything wrong.



NL EAST

1.  Philadelphia Phillies.  Pretty obvious pick here, but it's always going to be obvious when your first four starters are four guys who would all be the ace on the majority of teams in the entire league.  Of course, these kind of super team things rarely work out, at least in the regular season, and a very old offense has tons of question marks.  Utley is out and nobody knows when he's coming back, Rollins was a nightmare last year, they just gave a fat, old player a monster contract, and perhaps their best all-around offensive player is now on the Nationals.  They'll still win, but they aren't going to dominate.

2.  Florida Marlins.  They've been a scrappy bunch the last several years, and I think this is the year they finally make the leap.  Their rotation of Josh Johnson, Javy Vazquez, Ricky Nolasco, Anibel Sanchez, and Chris Volstad would be the best in many divisions, assuming they stay healthy, and there's enough offense here to keep them in Wild Card contention.  Whatever you think of Hanley Ramirez's attitude issues the guy is an incredible player and gives Florida a huge advantage by having such an offensive powerhouse at such a traditional weak position.  Mike Stanton is an absolute future star.

3.  Atlanta Braves.  Should be a very solid team, and for no particular good reason just as I'm blindly believing in the Marlins' rotation, I'm expecting the Braves to fall apart.  Tim Hudson and Derek Lowe are older than dirt, Tommy Hanson is inconsistent and for Jair Jurrjens inconsistent would be a huge improvement.  And what's to be excited about with the offense other than Jason Heyward, Brian McCann, and Freddie Freeman?  They'll be in the Wild Card running, but I think Bobby Cox being gone is going to take longer to adjust to than you'd think.

4.  New York Mets.  The division between the 3rd team and 4th team in this division is absolutely immense, because the Mets are absolute garbage.  Let's put it this way:  R.A. Dickey will be prominently involved, and he might actually be the second best pitcher on the entire squad behind Mike Pelphrey - and that's not a compliment to Dickey, these guys are brutal.  There's still some minor jump up potential here based on a decent offense with David Wright, breakout candidate Ike Davis, and contract year guy Jose Reyes, plus Jason Bay and Carlos Beltran.  The offense should be ok, but that pitching staff is terrifying.

5.  Washington Nationals.  I wanted to rank them ahead of the Mets because the Mets are terrible, but I just couldn't after looking at what they're rolling out there.  Livan Hernandez is still here, and so is Jon Lannan, Jason Marquis, and they added Tom Gorzelanny as starter #5.  Sweet, that should make all the difference.  There's a decent young base here with closer Drew Storen, starter Jordan Zimmerman, 3B Ryan Zimmerman, SS Ian Desmond, and, of course, SP Stephen Strasburg and minor leaguer Bryce Harper (Brian Harper's son), but with The Stras out until late this year or next this won't be the year they put it all together.


NL CENTRAL

1.   Cincinnati Reds.  Love this team.  Absolutely and completely love them.  Young and talented pitching staff with multiple candidates to breakout (Mike Leake, Johnny Cueto, Travis Wood, Edinson Volquez), the hardest throwing man in all of MLB (Aroldis Chapman), and a young group of position players who are either already stars (Joey Votto), look to be right on the cusp (Jay Bruce, Brandon Phillips), or are still just in the "potential" phase (Drew Stubbs).  They aren't really the type of team who I'd consider a serious World Series contender unless multiple guys on that staff breakout this year, but they'll win this division.

2.  Milwaukee Brewers.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery some donk once wrote, and the Brewers are definitely going with the San Francisco Giants model and have assembled a very good rotation.  If Zack Greinke stops getting hurt playing basketball and doesn't end up on the floor in the fetal position every time someone asks him a question he should dominate the NL, and Shaun Marcum should be a poor man's version of the same after coming over from Toronto.  Add in Yovani Gallardo and a pretty good offense and they'll be a very good team, especially if Prince Fielder's contract year becomes PRINCE FIELDER'S CONTRACT YEAR.  And closer John Axford has the sweetest mustache in the league.

3.  St. Louis Cardinals.  Adam Wainwright is so good at throwing a baseball that his injury knocks St. Louis from division favorite to division also-ran.  Any team with Albert Pujols can't be completely counted out, but the rest of the lineup is either old guys on the downslope of their career or David Eckstein clones.  Honestly, I have no idea why a team with David Freese, Skip Schumaker, Ryan Theriot, and Tyler Greene would possibly be interested in signing Nick Punto since all five of these guys are basically clones of each other and they all suck.  Maybe LaRussa's gone all demented and is starting some sort of bizarre collection, and at the all-star break he's going to encase them all in wax and open some sort of Eckstein Wax Museum.  That's be pretty sweet, actually.

4.  Chicago Cubs.   This should be a pretty competitive division, because I can even see the Cubs jumping up and contending at the top if everything goes their way.  It won't, of course, because we're talking the Cubs here and there's an awful lot that would need to go right.  Carlos Zambrano's head has to be on right, Matt Garza has to be able to dominate more often being in the NL, Ryan Dempster has to be good, Carlos Pena needs to bounceback as does Alfonso Soriano as does Aramis Ramirez, and so on.  One thing is for sure, they have a future star at shortstop in Starlin Castro.  Or at least that's what I told myself when we ended up having to draft him as our fantasy shortstop.

5.  Pittsburgh Pirates. Is this the year the Pirates finally turn it around?  Well, if by turn it around you mean don't finish in last then I say yes, although that's more of a testament to the shittiness of the Astros than the improvement of the Pirates.  I mean, you can at least see that they're trying to turn it around:  Neil Walker, Pedro Alvarez, Andrew McCutchen, and Jose Tabata are a nice young core but after that it's very blah - and that's the upside.  Assembling young arms is a good strategy, but someone needs to tell these guys that it really only helps if at least some of them have some talent.

6.  Houston Astros.  Kind of the opposite of Pittsburgh in that the starting pitching is at least ok (Wandy, Bret Myers, JA Happ, and Bud Norris) but the lineup is just brutally brutal.  The middle infield pairing of Clint Barmes and Bill Hall should make you feel better knowing there's actually a worse combo than what the Twins are trotting out there, I've never even heard of their third baseman, and their first basemen is a rookie who was traded three different times before he managed a major league at-bat.  And they still have Carlos Lee, who continues to kill team morale by constantly pawing through teammates' lockers looking for snacks.


NL WEST

1.  San Francisco Giants.  It's hard to believe any team that was so reliant on it's starting staff can repeat, but in this case you have to pick the Giants because 1.  The NL West sucks, 2.  At least one of those pitchers (Madison Bumgarner) is still waiting to breakout, and 3.  there only losses off the roster of "significance" were Juan Uribe and Edgar Renteria.  They might have the worst hitting outfield in history, but they should still be good enough to win this crappy division, especially since they have a rich man's Joe Mauer in Buster Posey.

2.  Colorado Rockies.  I wanted to pick the Rockies to win the division but I just can't.  Troy Tulowitzki is a pimp and Carlos Gonzalez is awesome, but then it's crickets.  Todd Helton is old with the power of Drew Butera but is still starting somehow, Chris Iannetta and Ian Stewart are starting to look like they're "potential" and that's about it, Dexter Fowler is Carlos Gomez with a slightly better batting eye, and Seth Smith should be a pinch hitter.  They also have Ty Wigginton.  Yeah.  The pitching is alright and could probably clean an office building or hotel like nobody's business, but that lineup is just really, really icky.

3.  Los Angeles Dodgers.  These guys have been about as underachieving as the Mets the last few years, and it all starts with Captain Disappointment (that's also what Mrs. W calls me), Matt Kemp, who decided to go from future superstar do everything five tool player to Adam Dunn with less power.  Think about that one. And speaking of less power we can't forget first baseman James Loney, the only 1B in history with less power than Dough Mientkiewicz.  Clay Kershaw is probably a future Cy Young award winner, but behind him is a soft-tossing old man (although he's a lefty) and a Japanese guy who will probably throw his arm out by July.  And also Chad Billingsley, who sucks.  How you can have that much money and fuck up a team should be the next study done by Dateline.  I think we've got all the sex predators by now.

4.  Arizona Diamondbacks.  You could basically flip a coin between Arizona and San Diego right now because both of these teams are equally depressing and shitty.  I'm giving the nod slightly to Arizona because they at least have a few players who could have huge years:  Justin Upton (although I feel like we're saying this every year for the last several), Miguel Montero (not a huge year overall, but at least for a catcher), and Daniel Hudson (if his post-trade results were real).  They also have a middle infield with some pop in Stephen Drew and Kelly Johnson, even if they field as well as Roger Dorn.

5.  San Diego Padres.  The list of exciting players on this team is Mat Latos and Cameron Maybin.  That's the entire list unless you really like nondescript but effective closers who are going to be traded at some point or mediocre-to-poor starting pitchers who were featured in really awesome books.  All I know is a team with zero offense just got rid of the man responsible for about 106% of that offense.  Plus their middle infield combo is Jason Bartlett and Orlando Hudson.  Ouch.    


The last thing I want to mention here is what should/could be considered a national travesty.  Take a look at this picture and guess who this is:

 

No, it's not the female joker (and I don't mean Harley Quinn), no matter how much it may look like it.  It's actually Rose McGowan, formerly the super hot and busty star of Scream and Jawbreaker.  This is what she used to look like:

Why?  Why would you kill that?  Even setting aside her formerly awesome boobs which have suddenly disappeared, check out this side-by-side of her formerly beautiful face:

Good lord, why?  This is the kind of thing that convinces me that the devil actually exists.  I'm actually near tears right now.  I'm going to go cry myself to sleep and probably masturbate.

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday Night

It's some random thoughts on a Tuesday night, much like the title told you.  What the title didn't tell you, however, and what you know that people who just read the title and clicked close don't, is that I'm sucking back some sweet, sweet alcohol while I type this, in the form of vodka & iced tea.  Is that weird?  I feel like that might be weird, but it's good.  So suck it.

- I read something today where a writer asked if Dayton was the next Butler, college hoopswise. I wish I could find the damn article, but nevertheless it sent me into a rage, as you'd guess, because I hate Dayton worse than I hate you. If you recall, or if you're new, you might remember that the Bar I frequent when I go to Chicago for the NCAA Tournament with Snacks, Snake, and Dawger when we visit Bogart and his giant TV is also a Dayton bar, and one year we were there Dayton was actually playing and their fans were some of the biggest idiot poser fancy boys I had ever seen.

So, last year when I was previewing the Atlantic 10 I referred to Dayton fans as hipster doofuses and predicted they'd miss the NCAA Tournament. Dayton fans found the blog and did not much appreciate my comments. Several emails of an unsavory nature were exchanged, there was mention of my living in a trailer (note: not true), and let's just say it wasn't pretty. Also, I fucking hate Dayton. Thus, said article which I can not find pretty much prompted this entire post.

And it deserves to be written about, because Dayton is about as far from Butler as Nick Blackburn is from a competent pitcher. First, Dayton's conference is light years beyond Butler's. The Horizon is a perennial one-bid conference, whereas the A-10 almost always sends between two and four teams; might as well ask if Xavier is the next North Carolina. Secondly, what exactly are we basing this dynastic prediction on, four straight years of underachievement topped off by an NIT Championship?  One NCAA berth in the last six years?  Really, an NIT Championship doesn't mean anything - really, despite what they want you to think nobody uses it as a springboard to success, ever - and even if it did, Dayton is losing seven players and 3 starters so who cares?  This whole dynasty is based around an overrated PF (Chris Wright) who can't ever stay healthy, and now they need a freshman and a transfer from fucking Drake to be their ballhandlers.

Dayton is a dynasty the same way Two and a Half Men is a good show - it's not true and you'd have to be a god damned moron to think so.  The Flyers and their fans can all bite me.

-  Jennifer Love Hewitt is going to be guesting on Law & Order:  SVU?  Man, how far has she fallen?  If you have a chance and haven't, go rent Heartbreakers and prepare for boner city.  No kidding, probably the hottest chick in a movie ever not counting Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Audrina in Sorority Row, and Tiffani Thiessen in anything ever.  You forget, but Jennifer Love Hewitt used to be at the absolute top of the hot chick pyramid.  Now she's doing Lifetime movies and guest spots.  She's now the Dayton of hot chicks.  Sad.

-  I'm all for relaxing, but anybody else think the Twins might want to continue playing this season instead of just packing it in until the playoffs start?  I'm not entirely sure of the rules here, but I think if they don't start winning games Bud Selig might step in and renounce them from the playoffs.  And who the hell is going to be the fourth starter now?  Slowey threw batting practice yesterday, and tonight Blackburn is getting lit up by Mike Aviles and Kila Ka'aihue for christ's sake.  Everything is set up for Baker, and he's probably the best choice anyway because he's the least likely to give up 6 runs in 3 innings.  Not that he's necessarily not likely, just slightly less likely than the velocity haters he's in competition with.

Seriously, close your eyes.  Now take off your pants.  Now imagine it's game four of the ALDS, we're at Yankee stadium, and the Twins are down 2 games to 1, but all games have been closely played.  They need someone to shut down the Yankees on the road.  Who is the last pitcher you'd want out there?  Correct, it's Nick Blackburn.  I would have also accepted Kevin Slowey, Anthony Swarzak, or Jeff Manship.  Scott Baker ranks slightly ahead of them because he's more likely to be absolutely lights out, no matter who he's facing.  Of course, we could also see the longest home run in the history of Yankee baseball (and Mantle allegedly hit a 600 footer).  Yes, longer than Mantles.  Imagine a 3-0 count on A-Rod.  Now take off your pants again.  Now imagine the bases are loaded and the winning run is on third, so Baker has to throw a strike.  How far could A-Rod hit that ball?  700 ft?  800?

- Anybody else watching The Event? I don't think it's terrible just yet, but I do think it's trying awfully hard to be both Lost and 24, even though I never ever watched 24 because it takes more than gun fights and explosions to entertain me. Anyway, it seems ok and any time D.B. Sweeney is involved you know I'm a fan, but this show could take a wrong turn in an awful hurry. I mean, this "plot" is like tightrope thin. Kind of like how the Dark Tower series by Stephen King could be brilliant on TV in the right hands, but would be a laughable train wreck if handled incorrectly. Or like the Game of Thrones series coming up on HBO. Real delicate stuff here. Actually, I'm not really sure why I made that comparison, except that those are two of my favorite book series and one is coming to TV and the other might be soon. Really, so far The Event is weird and doesn't make much sense and I only watched about half of episode two, but it's got this chick in a bikini so I'll keep watching:

-  Speaking of Episode 2, Mrs. W bought Wonderbaby^TM a Star Wars coloring book today, which she loved, and she likes to watch me play Lego Star Wars, so we watched a half hour of Episode I today (went with that one because it's most kid friendly) and she thought it rocked and didn't want to turn it off.  I'm looking to have her fully nerdifyed by age 4.

-  So who's excited for the Ryder Cup?  I am.  I think the Euro team is far better than the Americans, but we have a few units down on the USA just because, like Billy Mitchell, I'm proud to represent my country, even when I'm not really representing anything and really am more just betting on people who are representing my country.  Like Lex Luger.  Anyway, Sergio sucking too bad all year to not make the team is a huge break for the Americanos, because that dude is a machine at this stuff (career 14-3-3 record).  Nobody on the American team is a good Ryder Cup player, and Mickelson and Furyk are two of the worst, and unfortunately Jeff Overton made the team and then Rickie Fowler got picked for some reason, so really there is no reason to be on the USA except blind faith in good ole apple pie and blue jeans.  And a good underdog payout. 

-  The Rockies are losing again tonight, and most people don't really care, but we have the Rockies at OVER 85.5 wins for the year, and currently they are at 83-73 which means they need to go 3-3 to win the bet, which is starting to look less and less likely due to this incredible un-Rocky-like skid they are in which, if they lose again tonight, will have them at 1-8 in their last 9 games.  Which means that nine games ago they were 82-65 and needed to go just 4-11 to win it for us.  Thanks assholes.  I blame Helton. 

-  Also the Mets just need to lose two more games.  Pray for us.

-  I'm sure there's more, but the baby is waking up and by the time I get done feeding and taking care of him, whatever mojo is driving this post will be long gone.  So I'll just leave you with this:  Dez Bryant is going to destroy the NFL, Randy Moss style.  If not this year, then next. 

Make your time.

Six Very Important Things this Morning 9.16.2010

It's going to be pretty tough to keep up the post-per-day strategy I started up with before Baby Ben arrived on scene, at least until the little tyke learns to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, but I feel I can fire one off here.

1.  Well that should do it.  The Twins won again last night, beating the Sox 9-3, which brings their division lead to 8 games with just 17 left to play.  Their magic number is now 10, which essentially means it would take an epic collapse as well as a hell of a run by Chicago to keep the Twins out of the playoffs - something I haven't ruled out.  Most impressive last night was Brian Duensing, who wasn't very sharp and that is precisely the reason he was so impressive.  Throughout the game he seemed to always be on the verge of giving up the big inning, but kept getting key outs and bid double plays whenever he needed them.  It was a very impressive display of "battling" for such a young pitcher with less than twenty career starts.  There is no doubt in my mind he needs to be the third starter in any playoff series the Twins are in.  When Baker, Slowey, or Blackburn are off, rarely do you see them still manage to go six innings and scatter nine hits the way he did, they generally get killed and don't see the fourth.  Behind Mauer, Thome, Valencia, Pavano, and Liriano there's no doubt he's been the most valuable player this year, not only for what he's done since joining the rotation, but his stellar bullpen work earlier this year as well.  Finishing sixth as an MVP might not sound that impressive, but did you expect him to be there? 

2.  How fast did everybody get to the waiver wire?  Once again proving that you need to have waivers in your fantasy football league rather than some kind of crazy first-come, first-served style, Ryan Grant was announced to be out for the year on Tuesday, cementing Brandon Jackson as the waiver wire pickup who will win many fantasy leagues for people who drafted like crap.  Also setting off a firestorm of whining from every Grant owner who didn't draft Jackson and then had to watch some dork with a bad team scoop him up in front of them when waiver claims were processed, assuring that said owner will be starting someone like Fred Jackson next week.  To which I say:  You are all nerds.  But seriously, anything that hurts the Packers is a friend of mine, which is why Tony Mandarich is still one of my favorite players.  The Incredible Bulk or Barry Sanders?  Nice decision, Packer-jerks!

3.  Mark Ingram is ready to run over your face.  Last year's Heisman trophy winner, this year's favorite to win the Heisman, and the guaranteed #1 rookie pick in fantasy football next year was cleared to play after missing the first two weeks of the college season after having knee surgery.  I know knee surgery is never something you want, particularly if you're a running back, but he's got an awful nice blend of speed and power, so even if he's 80% he's still going to be better than pretty much everybody, and even at 10% he'd be better than anybody the Gophers have trotted out there since Amir Pinnix left.  I haven't decided if he's the next Curtis Martin or the next Ron Dayne at the NFL level, but luckily, I don't have to decide yet.  Although I can guarantee you if Dawger gets him in our keeper league, he'll turn into the next Dayne.  How's Darren McFadden working out for you, little guy? 

4.  Hard to believe he could be dirty.  I don't believe it either, but it's possible John Calipari and Kentucky cheated in order to get Eric Bledsoe to qualify to attend Kentucky last season.  You might remember it was looking iffy that he would get in, and you might also remember his name surfaced earlier this offseason with an investigation into whether or not he and/or his family received money while he was being recruited.  This time, the issues arise from his high school transcript which not only shows that, after never receiving higher than a C in his high school career, he received an A or a B in seven of his ten classes senior year, but also that he took Algebra 3 before Algebra 2.  And this isn't like taking History of World War II before History of World War I, this would be liking taking a class on spelling before you learned the alphabet.  Hard to believe this of Calipari.  This reminds me of when I saw Star Wars Episode III and, spoiler alert, suddenly Anakin turns to the dark side at the end.  Talk about a shocker!

5.  Speaking of dirty coaches, how about the guy in Orange?  Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl, noted tattle tail, is now in trouble for lying to the NCAA about possible violations and obviously, those same violations which include phone calls that shouldn't have been made and recruit visits that may have been violations.  Right now it sounds like the violations wouldn't be too major, the school is sticking behind Pearl, and he hasn't lost any players or recruits.  Which, coincidentally, is how it started for Kelvin Sampson at Indiana when the shit started coming down as well, and we know how that worked out - they still haven't recovered.  So is this the end for Bruce Pearl and Tennessee basketball?  I don't really care, because this kind of stuff doesn't really bother me, but I think Pearl is kind of a huge douche so seeing him crying at his press conference while he apologized was pretty neat.  

6.  In case you hadn't noticed, these guys can't lose.  Again.   The Colorado Rockies, a longshot to make the playoffs not that long ago, have gotten hot in September and suddenly right in the thick of the division race.  Yes, again.  No, this isn't last year.  Or that other year.  This is a new thing.  They have won 11 of 13, including a 10-game win streak, and are just 2.5 back of San Diego (and 2.5 back of the wildcard).  Yes, again.  This year.  I consider the Rockies my NL club, and with the Twins my AL team, I might as well not even watch the first few months each year.  Neither of these teams ever bothers to get going until the last two months anyway.  Besides them just being my favorite NL team I want them to win because Rocktober is just plain fun to say. 

And I also want to mention that Troy Tulowitzki has hit 11 home runs in his last 13 games because jesus.

Well this is getting Ridiculous

If you're like I used to be and like a lot of Twins fans and teams of American League teams in general are, you don't really pay much attention to the National League.  Well, you should start paying attention to the Rockies, but only every fifth day, because Ubaldo Jimenez is destroying the world.

Earlier today, he tossed a shoutout against the Giants, allowing just four hits and striking out nine.  This improved his record to 10-1, lowered his ERA to 0.78, and extended his streak of consecutive games allowing 2 or fewer earned runs to 11.  Staggering numbers.

That streak of 11 straight is the fourth best in history to start a season (behind Lou Vette in 1939 with 14 and John Tudor '88 and Edinson Volquez '08 with 12) and a top 50 streak in history (if he goes one more it will be a top-25 streak - Roger Clemens holds the all-time mark with 21). 

I can't find a way to look up lowest ERA at this point in the season in history, so I looked up a few guys with historic seasons to see where they stood at the end of May. 

-  In 2000, Pedro Martinez had a truly insane season, the best of his insane career, when he posted a 1.74 ERA in a year when the league average was 5.68, perhaps the greatest pitching season ever, all things considered.  At the end of May, his ERA was 1.05.

-  In 1985, super phenom Dwight Gooden had a season on par with Pedro's, chewing up the league with an ERA of 1.52 - the best since 1968.  At the end of May, his ERA was 1.75.

-  Greg Maddux, the best pitcher of our generation in my opinion, had back-to-back seasons in 1994 and 1995 that were just incredible, posting ERAs of 1.56 and 1.63.  His ERAs after May were 1.47 and 2.37.

-  For an easier frame of memory reference, you probably remember how Zack Greinke set the league on fire last year, and how he seemed completely unhittable out of the gate.  At the end of May, his ERA was 1.10.

-  Finally, in 1968, Bob Gibson would finish the season with an ERA of 1.12, the modern record.  At the end of May he was sitting at 1.52.

Ubaldo's ERA is lower than all of these, and in some cases by a half-run or more.  I don't know if this is the best start in history, because like I said I can't find that information, but he's off to a better start than the best seasons ever by a pitcher.  It's insane.

He's doing it with the fastest fastball in the league amongst starters with an average of 96.1 mph, and also mixes in a curve, slider, and change-up.  He gets guys to miss, and when they do make contact they hit groundballs twice as often as flyballs and pretty much never hit line drives, which accounts for a low BABIP of .226.  That number will almost certainly have to go up, and his WHIP and ERA along with it, but no matter what we are looking at a historically awesome start and possibly one of the best seasons in history, or at least this century.

He's everything we thought Francisco Liriano could be.  He also has one of the highest average pitch counts per start, as well.  Better hope that arm doesn't fall off. 

MLB Preview - National League

I'm trying not to think about how we're about to lose Tubby Smith, so instead I'll turn my attention elsewhere so I don't break down and cry.  With just five days until opening day and the first day of being sick and tired of the Yankees/Sox media barrage it's time to roll out the baseball predictions.  I'm breaking this into National League and American League posts, one today and one tomorrow, because I'm way too lazy to it all at once.  I'm also starting with the National League - just to piss you off.

NL EAST

1.  PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES.  Take the same team that won the Series in 2008 and finished runner-up in 2009 and add the best (possibly second best) pitcher in baseball.  Yeah, I think they're going to be pretty good.  Look for Hamels to regain his 2008 form and J.A. Happ to get even better in his second year and they're likely going to be the team with the most wins in baseball.  I'm fully expecting Halladay to win 25 games.

2.  ATLANTA BRAVES.  They're getting a lot of preseason heat as a possible sleeper team, and it's not all that far-fetched.  Tommy Hansen is a stud, and there's good pitching behind him in the rotation, especially if Tim Hudson is back to top-of-his-game form like all the preseason crap is saying.  And this Jason Heyward hype has officially surpassed Wieters-levels.  If he isn't built like Deebo while hitting like Roy Hobbs and running like Willie Mays Hayes I'm going to be disappointed.

3.  FLORIDA MARLINS.  Outisde of pimp-daddy Hanley and alleged NL Rookie-of-the-Year Chris Coghlan there are plenty of questions about the lineup, but that rotation should be pretty rock solid.  At the very least Josh Johnson and Ricky Nolasco are going to form a very nice 1-2 punch at the top.  I'm very interested in seeing what Cameron Maybin can do with a full season of at-bats as well.

4.  NEW YORK METS.   I know you're thinking it's crazy to have the Mets in fourth, but go ahead and check out their team for a minute and then tell me they're good.  Wright has regressed, Reyes has some mystery ailment, their right-fielder was basically cut by Atlanta, and I've never even heard of their projected starting catcher.  Perhaps most damning of all, however, is that they STILL start Luis Castillo and bat him second.  Oof.  And that rotation is a nightmare behind Johan.  Oh, by the way, Johan.  How many postseason games have you played in since you forced the Twins to trade you? 

5.   WASHINGTON NATIONALS.  At least they have Strasburg so there's a reason to watch beyond watching Adam Dunn put everything he's got into every swing.  What's that?  They're starting him in the minors despite some truly sick Spring stats?  I hope it's worth the minimal savings you'll get by keeping his clock from running right away.  Seriously, who runs this team, Brad Childress?


NL CENTRAL

1.   ST LOUIS CARDINALS.  Although the Phillies should win more games, the Cards will probably win their division by the widest margin because after them this whole division should be thrown in a garbage dumpster.  It's basically Pujols and friends going up against five teams of Cleveland Indians.  I suppose I should predict something for this team, so I predict that Brad Penny will have one of his best ever years.  I also predict Ryan Franklin loses his closer job to Jason Motte.

2.  MILWAUKEE BREWERS.  All because Carlos Gomez came aboard?  Maybe.  We still have to see if he's continued to learn plate patience (you might not have noticed, but he was better last year).  The Brewers have the best lineup of the rest of the central teams and will be getting Rickie Weeks back.  There's a lot to like about the lineup here, and Gallardo gets any help behind him they could be in line for a Wild Card spot.  Ugliest part?  They still start Jeff Suppan, and LaTroy Hawkins is their top set-up guy.  Ouch.

3.  CINCINNATI REDS.  I'm giving a lot of credit to some young guys here, but I'm a big believer in most of these guys.  Injuries have derailed Homer Bailey before, but he finally hit his stride late last season and him and Cueto join veterans Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo to give Cincy's rotation a nice mix of young and old.  The lineup will need guys like Jay Bruce and Chris Dickerson to live up to their potential, but I say they do and make the Reds a dangerous team.

4.  CHICAGO CUBS.  Aramis is a walking injury, Soriano looks like he's basically done, their big free-agent signing was Marlon freaking Byrd, and their middle infield consists of that wiener Ryan Theriot and a cast-off from the Rockies.  Yuck.  The rotation is mostly brutal as well, and you can go ahead and pencil in Carlos Marmol for a complete meltdown as a closer right about mid-June.  Yeah, I'm not a big fan of the Cubbies this year.

5.  HOUSTON ASTROS.  This is the most boringest team in all of baseball.  Their big free-agent splash was signing Brandon Lyon.  Yawn.  Also, nice shitty signing, that guy sucks.  They should have two mid-teen game winners in Oswalt and Wandy Rodriguez, assuming Lyon doesn't blow every game.

6.  PITTSBURGH PIRATES.  I really didn't want to pick Pittsburgh to finish last because I'm starting to really like what their front office is doing (it's a new front office the last year or two), but I just can't quite yet.  They're moving in the right direction.  If Lastings Milledge has finally figured it out he and Andrew McCutchen make up a nice start to the outfield, and when Jose Tabata finally gets up that's going to be a very fast outfield.


NL WEST

1.  COLORADO ROCKIES.  If Chris Iannetta and Ian Stewart can raise their averages even a little this going to be a dangerous team because the lineup is loaded, and even if they don't they are still solid players because they walk a lot.  A good but not great rotation should be enough to win the West, assuming Franklin Morales doesn't blow it while he fills in for Huston Street.  Troy Tulowitzki is a complete and total stud, and if Albert Pujols didn't exist he'd have a shot at an MVP.

2.  LOS ANGELES DODGERS.  James Loney is kind of a lame-o and Blake DeWitt hasn't worked out, but the Dodgers hit home runs with Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp, who are a hell of a 1-2 punch.  Kemp looks like a good bet to go 30-30 and Ethier has the look of a career professional hitter.  The rotation is pretty thin, but Clay Kershaw at the front is a sure-fire Cy Young candidate, and will probably be for years to come.

3.  ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS.  They'd be a bit easier to place if I knkew what was going on with Brandon Webb, but in reality they probably couldn't be better than the teams above them and definitely couldn't be worse than the team's below them.  Like Kemp, Justin Upton has a shot at 30-30 this year, and is just an incredible hitter for his age - kind of like what everybody wanted Delmon Young to be just shoot me right in the face.

4.  SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS.  They get to finish fourth based solely on their pitching staff, because Lincecum and Cain are studs, Baumgartner and Jonathan Sanchez are potential studs, and everybody in the lineup sucks other than Pablo Sandoval (aka the black Billy Butler) and possibly Nate Schierholtz.  They also have Buster Posey, who has a super sweet name is is supposed to be a pretty big stud with the stick.  He better be, because their isn't much of a lineup here and there isn't much coming soon. 

 5.  SAN DIEGO PADRES.  Holy god this lineup is depressing.  How depressing?  Kevin Kouzmanoff hits clean-up, David Eckstein hits in the upper half, and I haven't come even close to hearing of their 7th or 8th batter.  The rotation isn't that much better, but at least there's some hope with guys like Clayton Richard, Mat Latos, and star of "The Last Best League" Tim Stauffer.  The bullpen is decent, but they'd really be better served trading Heath Bell for prospects (as well as Adrian Gonzalez) because they aren't going anywhere as currently constructed.   


NL Wild Card - L.A. Dodgers
NL Pennant - Philadelphia Phillies
MVP - Albert Pujols (runner up = Kemp)
CY YOUNG - Roy Halladay (runner up = Lincecum)
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR - Jesus Heyward (runner up = Posey)


AL preview should be coming tomorrow, assuming Tubby doesn't leave.  I mean by tomorrow, because I know he's leaving I just don't know when.

Suck.

I am back and I smell like Hippies.

Hey folks, hope you didn't miss me too much while I was enjoying a much-needed vacation in Portland, but I'm back and better than ever.  Or not, who the hell knows.  Before I get into the sports goings-on that I missed, let me tell you something about Portland.  It is full of two things:  1.  Beer and 2.  Hippies.  I only approve of one of these.

The beer is awesome, with Portland being just full of Microbreweries and a ton of Brewpubs.  Pretty much everywhere had a huge selection of local beers on tap (and always just one macrobrew), and even places like hotel bars had a selection in the double digits.  My favorite joint was a place called Henry's, which had 105 beers on tap, enough to make even Old Chicago feel embarrassed.  If you're ever in the Pacific Northwest, I highly recommend trying Mac and Jack's African Amber.  Very, very good.

The hippies were far less awesome, and they are seriously every where.  The problem is you can't tell the hippies from the homeless, and the city is overstaffed with both.  I saw some dirty person sitting on the ground with a cup in front of them and assumed it was a homeless dude, but when we got closer his cup was actually full of coffee and he was listening to an ipod.  So really he was just some dirty hippy sitting on the ground listening to his hippy music.  And every dude here either has those ear gauge things that stretch your ipod like some kind of African tribal shaman or is wearing a stupid looking hipster hat, and all the chicks here wear really tall socks with weird designs on them.  And they're proud of it, too.  There are signs and bumper stickers everywhere that say, "Keep Portland Weird."  Well you're doing a hell of a job.

Lastly, three quick recommendations if you are ever in Portland:

1.  Voodoo Donut is absolutely worth the hype.  The line was never shorter than a 15 minute wait, but like I said, worth it.

2.  If you like books, definitely check out Powell's City of Books.  It's the biggest non-chain bookstore in America, and they aren't kidding with the "big" part.  Imagine a Walmart, but on three levels, and all they sell are books.  It's huge.  There's like, a room for sports books, and a room for history books, and different rooms for each book subject, and they aren't small rooms either.  Very cool, and I could have probably spent a full day in there, no problem. 

3.  Rent a car and take a drive up the Columbia Gorge.  Very scenic and a really cool drive.  Thanks to a recommendation from my good buddy Tim Dogg, we crossed into Washington and drove up that side, stopped at Cape Horn to take some incredible pictures, then kept going and crossed back into Oregon at the Bridge of the Gods to head back, stopping in Multnomah Falls for lunch and a little hiking on the trails.  Good times. 

This concludes your travel guide portion of this post.

- Obviously the biggest news since I've been gone is the Twins getting bounced from the playoffs without so much as a whimper.  It wasn't exactly a shock, but it was definitely a disappointment.  There were plenty of opportunities in Game 2 and Game 3 to win, but thanks to Joe Nathan's batting practice fastballs they were swept and revealed to be exactly what we should have always known they were - a thoroughly mediocre team who got white hot at the same time as their biggest division rival commenced completely tanking their season.

Meaningful baseball in september and making the playoffs are always good things, and honestly I'm having trouble being at all negative about this season since I didn't think they had a chance to really beat the Yankees anyway, but it would have been really nice if they would have at least put up a fight.  I was really hoping for a split in New York and getting it back to the Dome with a chance to win two and take it, and it almost looked like that was going to happen, but unfortunately Nathan and A-Rod decided not to let that happen.  Second choice would have been to win both at the Dome after losing the first two in New York and getting it down to a 1-game toss up, but once again, it was not to be - although Pavano looked awesome for about five innings.

Obviously for me the biggest disappointment was Jason Kubel, who looked like he regressed back to two years ago when he had zero chance of hitting lefties and was nothing more than a fourth infielder type, not the top ten hitter in the league he developed into this season.

It's still too early to really think about next season, but the Twins should be similar.  Span-Morneau-Mauer-Kubel-Cuddyer is a very nice base to a line up, but there are plenty of other holes and decisions that need to be made.  I've warmed up quite a bit to Punto, but you can only have one of him in the lineup, not two or three.  I'd like to see Crede back, but only if he will sign for 1-year at $1 or $2 million, other to man third for 80 games again or, if Valencia is ready, to be an actual power bat off the bench - the Twins' pinch hitters this year were really sad.  I suppose bringing Cabrera back wouldn't be the worst thing, if he's cheap, and in terms of free agents I haven't really done any research yet, but if the Tigers let Polanco go I'd like to see them go after him.  I hear Chone Figgins name a lot, but I don't think that's possible.  He's going to have a lot of interest, and even in a down economy I expect him to get a pretty good deal.

As for pitching, if Slowey comes back all the way you have three pretty good young pitchers as your core, and that's not counting whatever you think of Duensing (optimistic) or Perkins (not optimistic).  I haven't thought to hard about if I want Pavano back, so that's a maybe, and I have no idea who might be available.  The bullpen is interesting because the numbers look pretty good, but I swear they suck.  Nobody typifies this more than Guerrier, whose numbers show he had an excellent year but I swear he got lit up every time I watched him hit.  I've heard talk of Nathan being washed up, but that's pretty retarded.  Who knows what happens with Bonser or Neshek and how they come back.  I know of at least one pretty big Twins fan (Snacks) who is convinced Bonser will be an absolute shut-down 8th inning guy.  We'll see.

Maybe the biggest question is what to do with the outfielders.  Kubel should be locked in as DH even against lefties, despite his struggles in the playoffs, which still leaves you with four outfielders for three spots.  Both Gomez and Young need a full year as a starter so we can really figure out what they can do, but with Span and Cuddy needing to be in the lineup that can't happen.  Maybe a trade.  They can't trade Gomez yet and Delmon's value is likely pretty low, so it might have to be Cuddyer.  His numbers show his value, but he has a big contract as well and is wildly inconsistent.  If you put Cuddyer together with someone like Morales or a minor league prospect, maybe that will get teams interested, who knows?  Could be an interesting off-season, or perhaps the Twins will follow the same model and do nothing except sign a couple of retreads and hope they stick.  The fact of the matter is, they need to get better.  A mid-eighty win team in the worst division in baseball isn't going to get it done. 

-  Finally, in case you missed it, my NL team, the Rockies, also got bounced thanks to a blown save by a usually reliable closer.  In this case, you are probably wondering who I am rooting for now.  I think my answer is "not the Yankees." 

I hope the Red Sox Lose

Sitting here at my parents' house (due to a flight tomorrow early and a babysitting issue we are spending the night over here) and having a nice glass of a fine Captain Morgan and taking in the Red Sox vs. Angels game.  Naturally, I hate the Red Sox more than I hate communists and  spiders combined, so I hope to hell they lose.  We're picking this up in the bottom of the third, tie ball game at 0-0.

-  By the way, since I'm here I saw my mother is currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover (the book).  Yes, I get it's supposed to be a classic, but of course I had to tease her about reading smut.  Somehow this led to my mom talking for like five minutes and using words like penis and phallus.  I think I need another drink.  A double.  Or triple.

-  Now she just used the C-word.  Not as a curse word, but explaining how they use "that word" a lot in her smut book.  I swear to god I'm not making this up.  And now I'm getting the whole synopsis of this book.  It's basically porn.  Some chick is married and screwing around but her husband told her to go ahead and get pregnant by some other dude.  I don't know.  I just came here to watch baseball, jesus.

-  Somebody's on second for the Angels with one out.  God please I need to change the subject of my brain.

-  Did  you know Jon Lester once had cancer and then came back and pitched a no-hitter? 

-  I should also mention my mom went to a wine-tasting tonight.  Now she won't stop talking.  I can't even concentrate on the game - I have no idea what's happening, but I can tell you that some daughter of someone my mom knows is not behaving very well.  I don't know.  I can't keep up with the stories.

-  Bobby FatBreau walks, putting two on and one out for Torii Hunter, my mom's favorite player of all-time.  So NOW we get to watch the game.  I see how this works. 

-  Now the conversation has turned towards my blog, and she said I really need to "clean it up."  Well F that.  How am I supposed to clean it up with all this smut talk she's throwing my way.

-  Hunter walks.  I don't think I've ever seen that before.  First time for everything I guess.  So now we're loaded up for Guerrero.  I haven't looked up his stats this year, but he used to be pretty awesome.  Time to break this game open Vladdy.

-  Vlad strikes out, swinging at three straight pitches and reminding me of Jose Morales.  He used to remind me of Kirby Puckett, now he reminds me of Morales.  I'm guessing he must have hit some sort of age wall here.

-  My dad now called to have me check the playoff tickets that came in the mail today and tell him what section and row, so I missed the first two outs but now Roided-Ass David Ortiz is up.  He hit no home runs early but hit 27 late, I wonder if he re-learned how to swing or if he started up another cycle.

-  I just checked and this was Vlad's worst year of his career and by a lot.  Also Ortiz whiffs.  My mom seems to be slowing down.

-  Did you know Vlad led the league in caught-stealing in 2002?  It's true.

-  I think Lester is wearing a Crain-necklace.  Probably why the ump just made a horrendous call against the Sox.  Kendrick on first and two outs and I think someone named Mathis is up.  He might be a catcher but don't quote me on that.

-  Well I don't know if he's a catcher but I know he sucks because he just struck out.  Lester is seemingly developing quite well, too bad the Twins couldn't snag him in that stupid Johan trade.  Yeah, that's working out beautifully.  Christ, the centerpiece of the Yankees offer was Phil Hughes and he's developed into a stud 8th inning setup guy - more than the Twins can say they got out of their actual trade right now, apologies to C-Go fans.

-  Did I ever tell you how I almost played softball with J.D. Drew.  True story.  It was when he was holding out and playing for the Saints, and he was staying at a hotel down town where my friend Bear was working and they kind of got to be buddies.  We were playing on the same softball team and Bear asked him if he would play with us, he said he would, but before we had our next game he finally signed and obviously couldn't play softball with a bunch of weirdos.  Frickin' Scott Boras.  One more week.  One more week.

-  Wait a minute.  They're shooting something into the moon tonight?  That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.  Or, more accurately, an unmanned spacecraft launched in June will finally crash into the moon tonight in an attempt to find out if there is water or ice under the moon's surface.  This seems pretty elaborate to test for something they could have found out with, you know, a shovel, in the 1960s.  I'm guessing this is cover because the government has found out the Ko-Dan Armada is preparing to attack, and this is a covert test of our outer space missile defense system (OSMDS).  You heard it here first.

-  It seems I'm not paying any attention to the game, but it's now the bottom of the fifth with 1 out, runners on 1st and 3rd, and your boy Torii Hunter up again.  And now he's no longer up because he just hit the longest home run of all-time to give the Angels a 3-0 lead.  Jon Lester:  he could beat cancer, but he couldn't beat Torii Hunter.  Also my mom would like you all to know that she loves Torii, even though he doesn't have the sweetest ass in the league.  That belongs to Johnny Damon.

-  People who don't love baseball are idiots.  Seriously.  I bet if you did a correlation study where variable a = IQ and variable b = love of baseball, r would equal like, 0.9.  For real.

-  Did you see my Rockies tied up their series at 1-1?  I'd report more on it, but the game was at 1:30 when I was at work because I have a real job.  Rockies guy, take it away.

-   I really didn't like On The Road.  Sorry Dharma Bum.  Sorry.  I also feel like I'm getting really random.  I think their might be some rum in this rum and coke.

-  Football and IQ is probably like a -0.8.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

-  Game update:  Angels up 3-0, bottom of the seventh.  Care level:  dropping.

-  Bobby Fatbreau is now 0-0 on the game with four walks.  God that gives me such a boner.

-  Hunter hit by pitch.  Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to do that when he was with the Twins? 

-  Good thing the Sux brought in Mendoza or Ramirez or whatever Mexican that was so he could walk, HBP, and give up a hit.  Bases loaded and nobody out.  Good night Boston, you freaking retahds.

-  Would you believe my parents down own a pizza cutter?  True story.

-  You know, Nick Blackburn is a better pitcher than A.J. Burnett.  Unfortunately, the Yankees have a much better offense than the Twins, obviously.  Just get a split in NY and let's get a little more dome magic, am I right?

-  Some japanese guy almost got out of the jam but then instead gave up a two run double.  So close.  My dad's home now.  He was at his bowling league tonight and then the bar.  I'll be sure to let you know if he says anything wacky.

-  Well now they're talking about my academic career and how I got Cs a lot because I would never ever hand in homework but would ace all the tests.  Yeah, a non-conforming genius who plays by his own rules.  What up, ladies?

-  We're now getting a rundown of the bowling league tonight, so instead I'll tell you what's funny about the guys who are already getting thrown out as possible Free Agent targets of the Twins:  Chone Figgins and J.J. Hardy.  Guess who two of the top Targets are of the Tigers, according to my Tiger fan friends?  Yep.  And if you don't think there's about 15 other teams with those guys on their radar, you don't know dick.

-  this game is lame, my parents aren't being funny, and I have to get up before dawn to head to the airport, so I'm going to shut 'er down.  Look for a scheduled post of an ACC preview at around 1:30 or so tomorrow, then I'll be back Wednesday - so no Weekend Review this week.  Hopefully you'll figure out a way to get over it.  [of course, as I sign off I hear not only my parents discussing the merits of Nick Punto, but also hear my dad go on an absolute rant about Cub being sold out of roasted and salted soynuts, so I may be missing out on the good stuff]

Twins

1.  Obviously losing the first game isn't ideal, but I don't think anybody outside of the delusional and the wildly optimistic expected them to win this first game - not only due to the circumstances but also because of the pitching matchup.  The important thing in my opinion was that they made sure they didn't get blown out and let the Yankees know this is going to be a series, not a walk-over, and I think they accomplished that.  The score isn't as close as I would have liked at 7-2, but the team was able to get hits - actually outhitting the Yankees, and had plenty of opportunities to score, just couldn't get the big hits.  Even getting two runners on against Rivera is a bit of a mental win for the team.  I don't believe in moral victories, so this isn't one, but I do believe in moral losses - as in if the Twins got blown away here I could see them just rolling over and getting swept.  They now after to win three of the next four, which is going to be quite a chore, but game 1 gave me some hope, despite the loss.

2.  I am perplexed by Gardenhire's use of the DH.  Harris, really?  I understand why he was going Morales since he was swinging such a hot bat earlier this year, but now that he's looking overwhelmed (six pitches against Porcello, six swings-and-misses) why go with Harris?  Even the radio announcers were laughing at the Twins DH, saying they look like a national league team who doesn't have a DH and has to scramble to find one.  The move here is to play Gomez in center, shift Span to right, and move Kubel where he belongs which is no where near the field.  Gomez is a better CF than Span, and Span is immeasurably better than Kubel in right.  You gain far more in the field than you lose with Gomez's bat compared to Harris, if you actually lose anything at all there.  It's a no-brainer.  Which, of course, means Gardy will never, ever do it.

And speaking of my boy Kubes, I'm pretty sure he could face Sabathia 50 times without getting a hit.

Also, Rockies Guy - what happened?

Regression to the Mean is a Cruel Mistress

-  Well, stick a fork in 'em.  You couldn't expect a thoroughly mediocre pitcher like Pavano to shut down the Tigers all season long, so this comes as no huge surprise.  To be fair, and I hate to be fair, they made a hell of a run to even make it a race.

I really thought the biggest mistake tonight was Gardy having Tolbert steal in the second.  The Twins had pounded Bonine in the first inning, and only managed to score two runs due to a nice play at second by Polanco and Santiago and the fact that Morales runs like he has a freight train attached to his ass.  It was to the point where Leyland even had the bullpen up and warming in the first.  His confidence had to be shot.  And then Tolbert leads off the second with a bunt hit.  I can only imagine Bonine was looking over his shoulder, paranoid he was about to be pulled.  Then Gardy sends slow ass Tolbert who gets tossed, clearing the bases and giving Bonine a chance to take a deep breath and feel like he's starting over - and it showed as he retired the next 8 (at least) Twins in order.  Now, it probably didn't matter since Pavano got pounded, but at the time I said it was a huge mistake and it looks like I was right.

In any case, it was a good year.  Kubel finally showed what he's capable of, Cuddy had a nice bounceback year, Mauer showed he is the best hitter in baseball, Morneau was on his way to another awesome season before he got hurt, and Span turned into the prototypical leadoff hitter.  If the pitching comes around, they are set up to be a pretty good team for a while.  We'll see.

-  Oh yeah, Comerica is a very nice park.  Nothing overly special, particularly on the inside, but the outside is very cool with a lot of cool Tiger sculptures and they have nice bronze statues of Kaline, Cobb, Greenberg, and other Tiger greats.  Good place, and our seats in the first row of left field were awesome.  Mid-way through the first, the guys sitting next to us show up and they are without question the drunkest dudes I've ever seen at any sporting event, and that includes me and Snacks.  At one point Kubel was up and the guy next to me says, "Man this team has a lot of lefties" in super slurred language, and then two pitches later Kubel is still up and he says, "ANOTHER lefty, is that all they have."  It was great.  And then in about the third I'm heading to the bathroom and the dude is in front of me and suddenly he turns and pukes all over the wall just outside the bathroom.  Somehow they don't get kicked out then, but in about the 6th, after constant yelling and beer spilling, they end up getting escorted out by security with their hands secured behind their backs.  It was pretty sweet.

I do have to give the guys credit though, at one point they were discussing Inge, and the one guy said, "He's a really good fielder at least, even though he can't hit" and the other guys says, "You know what Inge brings to the team?  Team Spirit." in the proper sarcastic tones for such a statement.  So I salute you super drunk Tiger fans, you may have been annoying idiots, but you definitely had one good line tonight.

-  Spent some time in the great state of Canada today for the trip, which was less thrilling than it sounds.  Turns out Canada is pretty similar to the US, just with more strip clubs, dumber, and dirtier.  Although it was pretty nice to have some guy flip me off not more than five minutes after we crossed the border.  My co-worker was driving and these three dirty canucks were about to cross the street so she slowed down, then they didn't move so she started to drive and then they started to cross so she drove slowly around them.  When we passed, one of the guys started yelling at the car and gesturing, pointing to his head as if to say, "Use your head, woman."  So I gave him a thumbs up when we passed.  When I looked in the rear view mirror, sure enough, he was giving me the ole salute.  Nice country.

As far as the border crossing goes, to get into Canada they look at your passports and let you in.  To get into the U.S., they ask about fifty questions, seach your car, trunk, and bags, and practically give you a full on interrogation.  They asked what we were doing, we said shopping, she said, "You've been shopping for three hours and you didn't buy anything" and then we said, "We work for a company in the U.S. and wanted to check out some of the Canadian stores to see what was different", and she's like, "Oh, do you do that often" and back and forth for like ten minutes.  It was nerve-wracking, and we didn't do anything wrong.  Man, I'd be a total mess if I was ever interrogated for anything for real. I was ready to confess to anything this lady wanted me to. Andy Dufresne I am not.

- If you go to a diner to get breakfast in Canada, if you order bacon what do you get? Do you get what we call Canadian Bacon and have to ask for American bacon to get the good kind of bacon? Seriously, I want to know.

- Speaking of strip clubs, we spent a lot more time in Detroit today as well, and let me tell you there are only three kinds of buildings in that city: out-of-business and condemned, restaurants advertising Coney Islands, and strip clubs. That's it. I don't know what the obsession is with Coney Islands, but it's insane. I don't think they even have a normal restaurant. The strip clubs were pervasive as well. My two favorite signs were "Free Chicken Dinner Thursdays" and "Thursday - Lesbian Night." I'm totally not making these up.

-  With the Twins eliminated from the tournament of baseball, I've decided to swing my allegiances over to the Rockies, mainly because of our very own Helton guy.  Here's what I know:

• Helton has had a good career and a good year, but has essentially been stealing money from the team for years.
• Marquis is the ace, but he's not really all that good
• Tulowitzski is the next Cal Ripken
• Iannetta and Stewart are both hot shot prospects who are basically poor man's Adam Dunns right now
• Barmes is Adam Dunn without the walks
• Garret Atkins sucks and it's a damn good thing the Twins didn't trade for him
• Carlos Gonzalez is everything we want Carlos Gomez to be.
• Ubaldo Jimenez, who I thought was not going to end up being very good after watching him in the Series, has turned out to be pretty good
• Huston Street can still close ball games
• Joe Biemel is a lefty Rod Beck, and Matt Daly is Pat Neshek
• Contreras is 100 years old, but is getting it done
• Hammel has maybe salvaged his career after sucking in the AL
• Aaron Cook is still the same Aaron Cook

Please let me know what else I need to know and what I may have been wrong on.  Let's keep trucking to Rocktober baby.  Rocktober.

-  Tonights post is brought to you by that girl from the awesome kick ass movie Saved!  No, I'm not talking about the super hot Jena Malone or the hot Mandy Moore.  Nope, I'm talking about Susan Sarandon's daughter Eva Amurri, who played Cassandra and was sort of terrifying and unattractive, so you probably think I'm a weirdo.  Well she's all grown up now, and I would love to supply a picture but for some reason the computer isn't letting me.  Well just google her.  Trust me.

-  So I cant' upload that picture, but I can upload others.  So go ahead and gaze at this picture of Audrina as a consolation prize, but it's really the winner.  God I love her.

-  Lastly, and most importantly, guess who's back.

New Jersey Part II

You ever have one of those dinners with work people that just makes you want to claw your own ears out?  I mean, it was a really good dinner (bacon-wrapped shrimp, bruschetta, and mini-burger appetizers, micro green salad with apples, walnuts, and feta, with a top sirloin with grilled asparagus along with a few vodka tonics and a couple of glasses of wine) but the conversation was really sub-par.  Most of the time was spent with my co-workers extoling the comedic stylings of Home Improvement, The Nanny, and the George Lopez show and waxing nostaligic for movies like Dirty Dancing, Mannequin, and the Dirty Dozen.  In the meantime I try to slip in a reference to How I Met Your Mother, Seinfeld, or Roadhouse and I'm met with blank stares.  And when the chatter turned to work, I had to hear endlessly about "The Golden Nugget", "Low-hanging fruit", "looking at things from 30,000 feet", and "a long run for a short slide."  Seriously people, just say what you mean and stop sounding like corporate zombies.  Also, when referring to a previous job, please stop saying, "In my past life."  Just stop.  Let's just move on.

- Oh, and they all love Family Guy, too.  Ugh.

- Of course, the first thing I do when I get back to my room is check the Twins, and knowing Manship is throwing tonight I'm not expecting much.  But we're actually sitting at 0-0 through three.  How often does a Twins' starter go three innings without giving up a run?  10% of the time?  5%?  I need to get a slingbox, I'd love to be watching this game.  Although it looks like Denard just hit into a double play.  I'm assuming it was a rocket.  Keep smilin' Denard!

 

- How about the White Sox throwing in the towel?  I can't say I blame them.  They're too busy molesting little kids and visiting Turkish Bath Houses to be a real team.  After trading Thome and Contreras, I really wanted to know if they got anything decent back (hopefully not), but ESPN has their most recent transaction as calling up Freddy Garcia on August 19th.  Thanks ESPN!  You are truly the sports leader.  While I look elsewhere for the info, go ahead and chew on the logic of picking up Alex Rios and his contract right before you attempt to rebuild.

- Found a little info thanks to some website called Google.  The Sox got minor league infielder Justin Fuller from the Dodgers for Thome.  Fuller is nowhere to be found on any Dodger top prospect lists.  He's never been a big hitter, but has shown a little more promise this year, and has some value as a guy who can play every position, infield and out.  So like a Denny Hocking.  I'm not terrified.  From the Rockies (for Contreras), they picked up minor league pitcher Brandon Hynick.  This is, frankly, truly bizarre.  Contreras is, as you may recall, a broken down old man who says he's 37 but is probably more like 43 and on his best day is no more than a #5 starter.  Hynick, on the other hand, was a top 20 or top 10 prospect in the Rockies system at the beginning of the year depending on where you looked.  He didn't have a great year (4.98 ERA), but did register a 3-1 K to BB ratio.  The knock on him is that he doesn't have great stuff, but he does have great command of his pitches, and the Twins have shown those kind of pitchers can have at least a modicum of success in the AL Central.  A case of the Sox trying to get more and more like the Twins?  Maybe.  But I know one thing for sure, Rockies' fans should be pissed about this one.

- Home run Cuddyer to even the score.  Suck it, I Hate Cuddyer Guy.

- Hold on, I think I just remembered that this hotel bar has the baseball package.

-  Yep, sure did.  Just got back from watching the Twins beat the White Sox in the bottom of the ninth, which is essentially a ritual at this point.  At least so much so that after I asked the bartender for the Twins game, and he couldn't find it, I said, "try channel 668" which had the game.  He asked how I knew that and I said, "Same channel as back home."  Random guy says, "Is home Minnesota or Chicago?"  I says to him, "Minnesota" and he says, "I hate that fucking stadium.  I can't wait for next year."  It's these moments, and only these few moments, when I'm going to miss the dome.  It is so much in Chicago's head it's like a suburban white boy playing ball against Gary Payton in his prime.

- In case you missed it, Jose Morales knocked in the winning run in the bottom of the ninth in his first at-bat back from AAA.  Awesome.  That guy can seriously rake.  I say we trade Mauer now before it's too late and give the catcher job to him.  Other observations from tonight's game:

• Cuddy with a second home run.  He drives me crazy, but there's no doubt he can hit.  And still has the best arm on the team.
• Casilla bouncing into a key double play for the Sox.  I have to be honest, I'm not overly impressed since he's back up.  
• Guerrier comes in and does what he does, namely give up a game-tying home run to David Beckham.
• Jermaine Dye has got to be the scariest mo fo in the league.  I've always been so scared of Thome when they play the Sox, I've mostly been able to ignore how terrifying Dye is.  Not any more.
• At one point I switched seating areas in the bar (more on that later) and I was now watching the White Sox feed.  After Dye's fly out to the track, they started in on the "dome air conditioning blows in when the visiting team is at bat" theory.  They showed every single air vent in the dome, and actually a couple were blowing in, including the one in left.  Of course, like all shitty conspiracy theorists, they neglected to show the vents while the Twins were hitting.  One sided evidence is not evidence.
• Jon Rauch is a huge individual, neck tattoo and all.
  
• Right before Morales hit the big game winner, Gomez had a chance to be a hero and instead did his best Cuddyer impression, whiffing on a slider outside and in the dirt.  We already have one of those Gomez, we don't need another.
• Saw Span hit a triple to give the Twins a lead (the one Guerrier later blew).  Afterwards he looked like this:

- There is one good story from the bar.  About fifteen minutes or so after I came down and had them switch the tv to the Twins game, some guy comes and sits on the same side of the bar as me and asks if they can put it on the Phillies game and the bartender told him he had just switched it for someone else.  Now, the bartender already mentioned the Twins game was on a TV on the other side of the bar, so naturally - being the nice guy I am - I say I can just head over to the other side and watch it, no problem.  So then the guy ends up buying me a drink for being a nice guy.  Funny thing is, the Phillies game was already over at this point.  The guy was so drunk and busy macking on some chick that he never knew.  But hey, free drink, so that works for me.

- And well, it turns out that I accidentally had a lot to drink whilst watching the game, and I'm going to call it a night.  I know, the old me would have kept chugging through and blogged while I could barely see, but apparently I'm a more responsible W.  Dammit.

Tuesday's Rage

I feel compelled to write tonight as an outlet for my rage - rage against stupidity and failure to not be an idiot. I left work late tonight, and was already in a pretty good lather due to co-worker incompetence and some stupid ass parade that went on for five hours down town and forced me to listen to marching band music the entire time while in my giant office with a giant window because I'm so awesome. Marching bands infuriate me, so I wasn't in a good mood heading home and wasn't helped by the massive herds of massive hippos waddling into the metrodome to watch the Twins suck and refusing to get out of the crosswalk or even stop to consider anything regarding the laws as they pertain to pedestrians.

Anyway, I was already in a bad mood, and then I hear Gordo ask Danny-boy Gladden, "The Twins were swept four straight games by the Yankees earlier in the year, do you think they are looking for a little payback here?" Naturally, since I'm not an idiot and I pay attention to the home town club, I knew that at the very least Joe Nathan had said, "We need some revenge", which I had read not only in the linked article but had also heard straight out of Nathan's mouth on the radio. You'd think the radio announcer or color man or resident white trash retard or whatever you want to call him would pay a little attention, but instead we get, "I guarantee you there isn't a single player in that clubhouse who is thinking about revenge." I shit you not. He guaranteed it. A statement that is completely and 100% falsifiable with just a modicum of research, and it's guaranteed. I have no idea why that hack has a job announcing baseball games. If I hear something insightful out of him it will be the first time.

Then, just to add insult to injury, here comes a radio interview with Twins' resident media whore Mike Cuddyer. The question? "The Twins have been playing much better recently than they were the last time these two teams met, what has changed?" The answer from Cuddy Bear? "Nothing's changed. We are just playing better now and not making the mistakes we were making earlier this season." lka;jdf;lsa hgoigh. THOSE. ARE. CHANGES. The definition of changes. You just said nothing has changed and then told us two things that had changed in the SAME SENTENCE. Doesn't this crap bother anybody else? Is it that I'm mad, or is it the rest of the world that is stupid? Isn't that like saying "I'm not gay, I just like giving dudes oral and taking it from behind?" Seriously?

Finally, just to make sure my head explodes, Coom-doggie gives us this on the TV box, "Sabathia is one of those pitchers who if you don't get to him by the fifth, he's pretty much unhittable." Guess what his two worst innings are? Yep, the fifth and sixth. Of course. What else would it be? Now, granted, his point isn't terrible, because Sabathia over his career is pretty much unhittable once he gets to the 7th, 8th, and 9th, but after everything else I had to deal with today, it's the last straw. I've decided to deal with my rage/depression by drinking heavily and blogging about less offensive sports.

- First up, a little bit of a scouting report from an informer who was at the Howard Pulley games last night, in the form of two text messages:

TEXT 1: “U r gonna love this cobbs kid!!! Royce and Rodney combo. Wow”

TEXT 2: “Nvmd. Wrong kid. Cobbs not here. But the kid I thought was him is a freak lol.”

So there you go. We here at Down with Goldy are always striving to bring you the most accurate and up to date information. Glad to help.

- Secondly, I want to recognize with some propers our very own Rockies guy, who called out a Loooooooooooooooong time ago (back in April somewhere, I can't find it) that Jason Marquis was the man. A couple of nights ago Marquis became the majors first eleven game winner, so I'm inclined to agree with Senior Rockies. And since I'm not a retard who judges pitchers solely on wins, I should add he also has a good not great ERA of 3.61 and a WHIP of 1.29. Those are decent numbers on any squad, but for a dude who pitches approximately half his game in Coors he's having a very good season.

Rockies guy also said that Clint Hurdle was the worst manager in the majors next to Gardy, and after canning Hurdle's ass the Rockies have been on fire, bringing their sorry asses back over .500 after starting the season 18-28. Todd Helton is having another solid season (sorry Rockies guy, I know you hate him but it's true), Brad Hawpe is suddenly one of the better hitters in the NL, and Jason Hammel is looking like a future star since being plugged into the starting rotation. The Division is probably too much to ask for being nine back already, but they're just two games out of the Wild Card. I'd expect to see them make the playoffs so Helton can suck again and break everyone's heart one more time.

- Oh hey, speaking of retards who think wins are the best way to measure a pitcher's ability, check out his quote from Joe Morgan's chat today on ESPN, "The name of the game, people always want to forget, for pitchers is wins and losses. If you beat a team 1-0, as he did recently, or 5-4, it doesn't matter. If you win, that goes on the team's side of the victory column. I'm not so much for a guy that has a low ERA and a losing record. That tells me that the other pitcher pitched better than he did, because that team scored more runs." On a single game basis? Yes. For a season? This is what sucks about Firejoemorgan.com going out of business. I really don't have the energy to tear this one apart too much, but here's a simple quiz.

Which pitcher would you rather have on your team in 1992?
A. Jim Abbott, 7-15 with a 2.77 ERA
B. Jack Morris, 21-6 with a 4.04 ERA

If you chose Morris, please chainsaw your own face off (yes, that means you Dawger).

- On a non-sports note, Mrs. W and I recently started renting the HBO Series True Blood, and I have to say it is awesome. It's set in Louisiana, in a world where Vampires have revealed themselves to the general public, and just want to live amongst humans in peace (well, some of them, at least - there are still evil ones). It is masterfully written and very well acted, and to say I'm smitten with female lead Anna Paquin is a major understatement. I recommend this highly. Very highly. And here's a picture of the lovely Ms. Paquin, if you need extra incentive (plus it's on HBO, so it's boobs all over the place:


- A new list of all-time disappointments now needs to start with Rangers' 1B Chris Davis. I mean, sure, it's early and he's only 23 so it's probably too early to judge, but I'm going to anyway.

After a rookie season last year that saw him knock seventeen dingers in just 295 ABs (and a respectable .285/.331/.549) and saw him become THE NEXT BIG THING. Unfortunately, he kept the power this year but lost everything else (15 homers but .202/.256/.415) and a lead leading 114 Ks (in 258 ABs). He was sent down to AAA this week to "get things together." When a guy has a strikeout of an unheard of 44% and doesn't walk very much, he's pretty much screwed. When he can't hit the ball, it's even worse.

Davis's contact rate (% of balls swung at and made contact with) was all of 58%. To give you an idea of how awful that truly is, here is a distribution of all major league players' contact rates, with Davis included:

I'm not going to sit here and explain just how bad that is. If you don't get it, I'd rather you don't even read this blog to be honest with you. Simply put, he's three standard deviations away from the mean, which means 0.1% of all players in history have put up this kind of contact rate. I feel pretty good just giving up on him. Plus, bonus, he was on my fantasy team this year. Go me.

- Speaking of prospects flaming out, the Twins signed some dude from Germany who is apparently a pretty big deal. I've never heard of him and know nothing about him, but with a name like Max Kepler he sounds like a pretty solid Nazi. Super Sioux Fan and the rest of South Dakota or North Dakota or wherever she's from should be pretty stoked.

- The last thing I want to mention is a quick little update on Wonderbaby^TM, as I know I have been lacking in that lately and I'm sure you are dying to know what's up. Well, Wonderbaby^TM has joined her first organized activity, a tumbling class at which she excels and is already a supremely gifted athlete. You can fully expect her to not only be the first female major league pitcher, but also the first pitcher to play a position on her off days. I will leave you with a picture of the most beautiful child of all time doing her gymnastastics:


Ok not the last thing. You should also look at this awesome fish I caught this weekend. I'm awesome at everything. You should try it sometime. Life is much easier for me than you.

And that's the second biggest fish I've caught this year. Recognize.

Here's What Happened - 4/13/2009

Here is the first installment of the daily updates. I considered other names, like Studs & Duds, The Awesome & The Awful, The Good & the Bad, Yesterday's News, Three Stars, and other stupid crap, but for now have settled on "Here's What Happened." Suggestions are welcome, but not required. Anyway, instead of five entries in each category, I'm just going with three since I'll be hopefully doing this every single damn day now. I hope you choke on it.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Zach Duke. Who the hell is Zach Duke? Sounds like either a non-threatening actor popular with the Tweens or a character in the next installment of the Fast and the Furious, am I right? I mean, am I right? Unfortunately not. It turns out he's actually a pitcher for the Pirates, and is throwing some serious cheddar. Yesterday afternoon he completely shut down the Astros, dealing a complete game shut out while giving up just four hits. And it wasn't exactly a one start wonder. Last time out, Duke pitched well against St Louis, giving up just five hits and one earned run in six and a third, and is currently sporting a 2-0 record, an ERA of 0.59 and a WHIP under 1.00 for the suddenly over .500 Pirates - something you don't get to say very often. Zack Attack was a pretty highly regarded prospect when he broke in five years ago, and even finished fifth in the NL RoY voting, but has pretty much sucked since then. Perhaps he's finally putting it all together.

2. Orlando Hudson. I've never been much of an O-Dog fan, partially because Hudson is a city in Wisconsin and everything about Wisconsin sucks donkey ass and partially because his nickname is "O-Dog", but I bit the bullet this year and drafted him as one of the last middle infielders taken in my draft because I had really no choice - it was either him or Punto. The point is that Hudson hit for the cycle yesterday against San Francisco since Randy Johnson is washed up and pitches as poorly as he looks now, adding in three runs and two rbi to go with his four hits. Andre Ethier, also on my fantasy team, added in two homers and four rbi as the Dodgers killed the Giants 11-1 (no mercy rule in play).

3. Travis Snider. I told you about this guy. Two bombs last night, including the game winner in the 8th, to sink the Twins into the depths of a three game losing streak, the likes of which they will never be able to claw their way out of. I think they should probably just go ahead and contract.


WHO SUCKED

1. Rockies Offense. Usually if a team gets 1-hit, you chalk it up to an awesome performance by a hot pitcher, usually someone like Zach Duke, but what happens if you get 1-hit by a combo of four pitchers? That's what happened to the shitbox Rockies yesterday, as the Cubs beat them 4-0 and were a Garret Atkins seventh inning single away from a weirdo combined no-hitter. Ted "the Lilly" Lilly pitched the majority of the game, sailing through six and 2/3rds and giving up just that one single and a couple of walks while striking out 8 to move to 2-0 on the season, and when he was out the Rockies managed to get zero hits against Aaron Heilman, Angel Guzman, and Kevin Gregg to finish out the game. So, in summary, Ted Lilly = good, Colorado Rockies = bad.

2. Chien-Ming Wang. Oof, is Wang awful this year, and especially yesterday. Guess how many innings he pitched yesterday against the Rays? One. One plus, to be accurate, but only one officially, giving up six hits, three walks, and 8 earned runs, but at least he split it out equally giving up four runs in each of the first and the second inning, and as a bonus teaming up with Old Man Posada to give up four stolen bases in that time - two by BJ Upton who is sitting on my DL because I didn't know he was back yet. That makes two starts for Wang, and a total of four and 2/3 ips, 15 hits, 6 walks, and 15 earned runs allowed for a robust 28.93 ERA and 4.50 WHIP, with an opponents BA of .600. What's wong, Wang?

3. Luis Ayala. I'm already more sick of this jackass than I was of Guerrier last year, and we're in week #2. He clearly looks like Gardy's "guy", having pitched in five of the eight games thus far, and looks awful. He's given up 10 hits in five innings, which works out to opponents hitting .435 against him - at least he hasn't walked anybody though, so he fits in with the overall Twins theme. Awful. Just awful.


And that's it for the first ever daily update. As a closing thought, I want you to know that there are thirty people with the name "Jenna Talia" on Facebook. And that's one to grow on.