MLB Playoff Preview

When TRE, from the latest and greatest Gopher blog Still Got Hope? reached out to me to ask if I wanted to do a co-MLB playoff preview with him my first though was "jesus that sounds like work."  Then I remembered that I've seen TRE in real life and he's a gigantic monster man who would probably rip my arms out my sockets and beat me over the head with them wookie-style if I angered him, so I figured I better do it.

So here's the protocol - I'm previewing the AL, he's previewing the NL which works well for me because my knowledge of the NL is on par with Super Sioux Fan's knowledge of cooking - NOT ALL THAT MUCH.  Then we'd each write a paragraph in response to the other's original paragraph.

Will we agree?  Disagree?  Fight?  Will we come to blows?  TOO SOON TO TELL.  But it should be exciting.  My pants are already half-off in anticipation.

AMERICAN LEAGUE



TEXAS RANGERS vs. TAMPA RAYS  

DWG:  Classic match-up here of momentum vs. unstoppablenessittude.  The Ranger offense is really good at hitting and scoring, much like Bobby Brown, and really has no holes.  But that's the fun thing about good pitching, it creates those holes.  Tampa has the two best pitchers in this deal in Shields and Price, and in a short series sometimes that's all you need.  Evan Longoria is looking sexy and mashing baseballs, and the Rays have heaps of karma from playing the role of Will Hunting to the Sox Carmine Scarpaglia, and saving the world from the hoards of Boston douchefans that always come out of the woodwork for the playoffs.  THAT ROBAHT ANDINO IS WICKED GOOD!  This should be a dogfight, but I give the edge to pitching and karma.  Rays in Five.

TRE:  Evan Longoria is as good a hitter as he is a dreamboat.  On Wednesday he basically willed the Rays into the playoffs and it was amazing.  TREbro cried like a river when the Sox missed the playoffs. (he's a longtime fan, don't try and make sense of it)  TREbro's wife bombarded facebook with Red Sox propaganda too.  None of that could make Carl Crawford not suck extremely hard.

The Rays and Rangers did this dance last year and it took five games for the Rangers to take them down.  They're a year wiser and a year better.  Rangers noob Napoli had a monster second half (.383 AVG, .706 SLG) and co-noob Adrian Beltre has returned from the hamstring injury and has destroyed in September. (Player of the Month I guess!) Tampa may have a slight edge in starting pitching, but Texas has a TRE's head sized edge in the bullpen.  Especially with Ogando and Holland joining the pen for the playoffs.

Oops

DWG is right that the edge should go to pitching, but wrong in choosing Tampa for having the edge.  This series goes to the Rangers.  Ron Washington will do a head spin on that bald pate of his afterwards.  Verdict: Rangers in four.

 


NEW YORK YANKEES vs. DETROIT TIGERS

DWG:  Obviously nobody likes the Yankees, that's a universal law like water or dinosaurs, but the question is do the Tigers have enough to knock them off?  Both teams have a stone cold ace at the front of the rotation and a bunch of question marks to follow so game 1 is even more important than it usually is in a 5-game series.  Just like the Death Star, Justin Verlander has one weakness, and his is giving up home runs.  If that comes into play with the 230 foot right field fence in Yankee Stadium and a bunch of power-hitting lefties the Tigers could get shoved in a hole they can't climb out of, especially since Jim Leyland has already said he won't pitch Verlander on short rest in Game 4 even if Detroit is facing elimination (Sabathia is already slated for Game 4) which makes so little sense to me I'm convinced Leyland was replaced with Ron Gardenhire.  Easily the most difficult series to pick.   It's either Yankees in four or Tigers in five.  I say Detroit gets two wins from Verlander and squeaks one out somewhere else.  Tigers in five.

TRE:  I love Verlander and think he's the best pitcher in baseball.  All of the cool kids are saying that now, but if you ask Doctor Detroit, I've been saying this for awhile.  I get this feeling though that the Tigers believe too much.  Fans think Doug Fister is the new Bob Welch.  A lot rides on CC Sabathia.  Can that big SOB that was somehow robbed once on the street get the best of Verlander?  If he does, it's freaking over.  Doug Fistplay will curl up into the fetal postion.  The bad news for the Yankees is they're not playing the Twins.  Since 2002, they're 12-2 in ALDS games against the Twins and 5-12 against everyone else.  Last time I checked though, former Twin Delmon Young was batting in the 3-hole.  Even Ivan Nova and Freddy Garcia can get Delmon out.  The Tigers are ready for this.  They're going to join the Twins in the slop bucket of AL Central victims by leg sweep.  Verdict: The Jeterses in three.

NATIONAL LEAGUE


ST LOUIS CARDINALS vs. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

TRE:  The Cards snuck into the playoffs on the last day of the season. They were down 8.5 games from Atlanta on September first, but went 18-8 in the month and watched Atlanta piss the bed. The Phillies get an opponent that they struggled with in 2011; going 3-6 against them. It sounds like we'll see Roy Halladay against Kyle Lohse in game 1 and Cliff Lee against Edwin Jackson in game 2. So, that's basically 2-0 Phillies. Since this is a best of 5 series, the Cardinals are pretty much screwed at this point. I assume they'd throw Chris Carpenter in game 3 against Cole Hamels; perhaps on short rest. That might get them a win, but then they'd lose to Roy Oswalt in game 4 against Jaime Garcia. Matt Holliday has an injured hand/wrist and is unlikely to start the series, but Allen Craig has played well of late. In my opinion the Cardinals lineup just doesn't stack up with the Phillies. It's basically Pujols and The Big Puma and pray for HBP. The Phillies have a lineup that's solid from top to bottom and they even have some decent depth on their bench. I suppose that explains the franchise record 102 wins. Verdict: Phillies in four.


DWG:  Ok great, the Cards went 6-3 against the Phillies this year.  That's awesome and everything but I mean, come on.  Nobody really thinks the Cardinals can win, do they?  It's taking every ounce of restraint and personal responsibility I have to not put the largest wager of my lifetime down on the Phils to win this series at -300.  Then again, the last time I discounted a Cardinals team this badly they ended up winning the World Series after the Tigers pitchers took turns playing the smash hit game "Throw the ball into the dugout."  Still though, the Phil's worst pitcher (of four) is better than the best St. Louis can trot out there and outside of Pujols their second string offense might be better than the Cards' starters.  Phillies sweep.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS vs. ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

TRE:   This is an intriguing series and sadly will probably be the least watched due to market size. The Brewers have a solid lineup headed by my NL MVP choice Ryan Braun. Prince Fielder, Corey Hart and Rickie Weeks all bring a lot to the table as well. Casey McGehee took the year off, but I give him a break because he's bald and ugly like me.

The Brewers led the NL in homeruns and did it while posting a decent average, OBP and a relatively low strikeout total. They also brought in some pitching that doesn't blow goats. Shawn Marcum and Zack Grienke joined with Yovanni Gallardo to provide a solid top 3. Lefties Randy Wolf and Chris Narveson round out the rotation. They also have a solid bullpen with Saito and K-Rod joining Axford for the late innings.

Arizona also packs a pop with Justin Upton, Chris Young (the black one, not the tall dork from Princeton) and Miguel Montero being the core run producers. They also have a solid top 4 starters with Ian Kennedy, Daniel Hudson, Josh Collmenter and Joe Saunders. This is a five game series to me. Kennedy went 21-4 and will likely start the series against Gallardo. I really dislike that the Diamondbacks abbreviate themselves with "D-Backs". That's a little too close to d-bags. Verdict: Brewers in five.

DWG:  I agree that this will be an interesting series because these teams are pretty evenly matched.  Milwaukee has more star power with Braun, Fielder, Greinke, and Weeks and seem more glamorous, or at least as glamorous as annything from dirty, dirty Wisconsin can be, but Arizona is a surprisingly good, and complete, team.  Kennedy, Hudson, Collmenter, and Saunders might not sound like much, but they're one of the best starting groups in the NL.  I know, I didn't believe it either, but every single one of them has an ERA under 3.70 and a WHIP under 1.32.  Not really a true ace in the group, sorry Kennedy but I'm not buying it yet, but that really plays well for them.  They can reasonably expect to hold Milwaukee to 3 runs per game, so all they have to do is score 4 runs three times in five games.  They have one of the highest scoring offenses in baseball, so that shouldn't be a problem, and Justin Upton is the Patrick Jane of baseball.  D-Bags in five and TRE is an idiot and a traitor.

MLB Preview: National League

Since I just learned today that baseball starts up for real on Thursday, which seems ridiculously early but is apparently real, I better get going with my baseball previews.  I'll start with the National League today, and go onto the AL tomorrow.  If you want to know who you should target in your fantasy league, feel free to just go ahead and take a gander at the bottom of this post.  That's your championship team, folks.


Once again, you can consider these to be equivalent to clairvoyant looks into the future.  I almost never get anything wrong.



NL EAST

1.  Philadelphia Phillies.  Pretty obvious pick here, but it's always going to be obvious when your first four starters are four guys who would all be the ace on the majority of teams in the entire league.  Of course, these kind of super team things rarely work out, at least in the regular season, and a very old offense has tons of question marks.  Utley is out and nobody knows when he's coming back, Rollins was a nightmare last year, they just gave a fat, old player a monster contract, and perhaps their best all-around offensive player is now on the Nationals.  They'll still win, but they aren't going to dominate.

2.  Florida Marlins.  They've been a scrappy bunch the last several years, and I think this is the year they finally make the leap.  Their rotation of Josh Johnson, Javy Vazquez, Ricky Nolasco, Anibel Sanchez, and Chris Volstad would be the best in many divisions, assuming they stay healthy, and there's enough offense here to keep them in Wild Card contention.  Whatever you think of Hanley Ramirez's attitude issues the guy is an incredible player and gives Florida a huge advantage by having such an offensive powerhouse at such a traditional weak position.  Mike Stanton is an absolute future star.

3.  Atlanta Braves.  Should be a very solid team, and for no particular good reason just as I'm blindly believing in the Marlins' rotation, I'm expecting the Braves to fall apart.  Tim Hudson and Derek Lowe are older than dirt, Tommy Hanson is inconsistent and for Jair Jurrjens inconsistent would be a huge improvement.  And what's to be excited about with the offense other than Jason Heyward, Brian McCann, and Freddie Freeman?  They'll be in the Wild Card running, but I think Bobby Cox being gone is going to take longer to adjust to than you'd think.

4.  New York Mets.  The division between the 3rd team and 4th team in this division is absolutely immense, because the Mets are absolute garbage.  Let's put it this way:  R.A. Dickey will be prominently involved, and he might actually be the second best pitcher on the entire squad behind Mike Pelphrey - and that's not a compliment to Dickey, these guys are brutal.  There's still some minor jump up potential here based on a decent offense with David Wright, breakout candidate Ike Davis, and contract year guy Jose Reyes, plus Jason Bay and Carlos Beltran.  The offense should be ok, but that pitching staff is terrifying.

5.  Washington Nationals.  I wanted to rank them ahead of the Mets because the Mets are terrible, but I just couldn't after looking at what they're rolling out there.  Livan Hernandez is still here, and so is Jon Lannan, Jason Marquis, and they added Tom Gorzelanny as starter #5.  Sweet, that should make all the difference.  There's a decent young base here with closer Drew Storen, starter Jordan Zimmerman, 3B Ryan Zimmerman, SS Ian Desmond, and, of course, SP Stephen Strasburg and minor leaguer Bryce Harper (Brian Harper's son), but with The Stras out until late this year or next this won't be the year they put it all together.


NL CENTRAL

1.   Cincinnati Reds.  Love this team.  Absolutely and completely love them.  Young and talented pitching staff with multiple candidates to breakout (Mike Leake, Johnny Cueto, Travis Wood, Edinson Volquez), the hardest throwing man in all of MLB (Aroldis Chapman), and a young group of position players who are either already stars (Joey Votto), look to be right on the cusp (Jay Bruce, Brandon Phillips), or are still just in the "potential" phase (Drew Stubbs).  They aren't really the type of team who I'd consider a serious World Series contender unless multiple guys on that staff breakout this year, but they'll win this division.

2.  Milwaukee Brewers.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery some donk once wrote, and the Brewers are definitely going with the San Francisco Giants model and have assembled a very good rotation.  If Zack Greinke stops getting hurt playing basketball and doesn't end up on the floor in the fetal position every time someone asks him a question he should dominate the NL, and Shaun Marcum should be a poor man's version of the same after coming over from Toronto.  Add in Yovani Gallardo and a pretty good offense and they'll be a very good team, especially if Prince Fielder's contract year becomes PRINCE FIELDER'S CONTRACT YEAR.  And closer John Axford has the sweetest mustache in the league.

3.  St. Louis Cardinals.  Adam Wainwright is so good at throwing a baseball that his injury knocks St. Louis from division favorite to division also-ran.  Any team with Albert Pujols can't be completely counted out, but the rest of the lineup is either old guys on the downslope of their career or David Eckstein clones.  Honestly, I have no idea why a team with David Freese, Skip Schumaker, Ryan Theriot, and Tyler Greene would possibly be interested in signing Nick Punto since all five of these guys are basically clones of each other and they all suck.  Maybe LaRussa's gone all demented and is starting some sort of bizarre collection, and at the all-star break he's going to encase them all in wax and open some sort of Eckstein Wax Museum.  That's be pretty sweet, actually.

4.  Chicago Cubs.   This should be a pretty competitive division, because I can even see the Cubs jumping up and contending at the top if everything goes their way.  It won't, of course, because we're talking the Cubs here and there's an awful lot that would need to go right.  Carlos Zambrano's head has to be on right, Matt Garza has to be able to dominate more often being in the NL, Ryan Dempster has to be good, Carlos Pena needs to bounceback as does Alfonso Soriano as does Aramis Ramirez, and so on.  One thing is for sure, they have a future star at shortstop in Starlin Castro.  Or at least that's what I told myself when we ended up having to draft him as our fantasy shortstop.

5.  Pittsburgh Pirates. Is this the year the Pirates finally turn it around?  Well, if by turn it around you mean don't finish in last then I say yes, although that's more of a testament to the shittiness of the Astros than the improvement of the Pirates.  I mean, you can at least see that they're trying to turn it around:  Neil Walker, Pedro Alvarez, Andrew McCutchen, and Jose Tabata are a nice young core but after that it's very blah - and that's the upside.  Assembling young arms is a good strategy, but someone needs to tell these guys that it really only helps if at least some of them have some talent.

6.  Houston Astros.  Kind of the opposite of Pittsburgh in that the starting pitching is at least ok (Wandy, Bret Myers, JA Happ, and Bud Norris) but the lineup is just brutally brutal.  The middle infield pairing of Clint Barmes and Bill Hall should make you feel better knowing there's actually a worse combo than what the Twins are trotting out there, I've never even heard of their third baseman, and their first basemen is a rookie who was traded three different times before he managed a major league at-bat.  And they still have Carlos Lee, who continues to kill team morale by constantly pawing through teammates' lockers looking for snacks.


NL WEST

1.  San Francisco Giants.  It's hard to believe any team that was so reliant on it's starting staff can repeat, but in this case you have to pick the Giants because 1.  The NL West sucks, 2.  At least one of those pitchers (Madison Bumgarner) is still waiting to breakout, and 3.  there only losses off the roster of "significance" were Juan Uribe and Edgar Renteria.  They might have the worst hitting outfield in history, but they should still be good enough to win this crappy division, especially since they have a rich man's Joe Mauer in Buster Posey.

2.  Colorado Rockies.  I wanted to pick the Rockies to win the division but I just can't.  Troy Tulowitzki is a pimp and Carlos Gonzalez is awesome, but then it's crickets.  Todd Helton is old with the power of Drew Butera but is still starting somehow, Chris Iannetta and Ian Stewart are starting to look like they're "potential" and that's about it, Dexter Fowler is Carlos Gomez with a slightly better batting eye, and Seth Smith should be a pinch hitter.  They also have Ty Wigginton.  Yeah.  The pitching is alright and could probably clean an office building or hotel like nobody's business, but that lineup is just really, really icky.

3.  Los Angeles Dodgers.  These guys have been about as underachieving as the Mets the last few years, and it all starts with Captain Disappointment (that's also what Mrs. W calls me), Matt Kemp, who decided to go from future superstar do everything five tool player to Adam Dunn with less power.  Think about that one. And speaking of less power we can't forget first baseman James Loney, the only 1B in history with less power than Dough Mientkiewicz.  Clay Kershaw is probably a future Cy Young award winner, but behind him is a soft-tossing old man (although he's a lefty) and a Japanese guy who will probably throw his arm out by July.  And also Chad Billingsley, who sucks.  How you can have that much money and fuck up a team should be the next study done by Dateline.  I think we've got all the sex predators by now.

4.  Arizona Diamondbacks.  You could basically flip a coin between Arizona and San Diego right now because both of these teams are equally depressing and shitty.  I'm giving the nod slightly to Arizona because they at least have a few players who could have huge years:  Justin Upton (although I feel like we're saying this every year for the last several), Miguel Montero (not a huge year overall, but at least for a catcher), and Daniel Hudson (if his post-trade results were real).  They also have a middle infield with some pop in Stephen Drew and Kelly Johnson, even if they field as well as Roger Dorn.

5.  San Diego Padres.  The list of exciting players on this team is Mat Latos and Cameron Maybin.  That's the entire list unless you really like nondescript but effective closers who are going to be traded at some point or mediocre-to-poor starting pitchers who were featured in really awesome books.  All I know is a team with zero offense just got rid of the man responsible for about 106% of that offense.  Plus their middle infield combo is Jason Bartlett and Orlando Hudson.  Ouch.    


The last thing I want to mention here is what should/could be considered a national travesty.  Take a look at this picture and guess who this is:

 

No, it's not the female joker (and I don't mean Harley Quinn), no matter how much it may look like it.  It's actually Rose McGowan, formerly the super hot and busty star of Scream and Jawbreaker.  This is what she used to look like:

Why?  Why would you kill that?  Even setting aside her formerly awesome boobs which have suddenly disappeared, check out this side-by-side of her formerly beautiful face:

Good lord, why?  This is the kind of thing that convinces me that the devil actually exists.  I'm actually near tears right now.  I'm going to go cry myself to sleep and probably masturbate.

Week in Review - 5/31/2010

It's pretty tough to keep track of what's going on in the world when you're spending an entire weekend at a cabin without a computer and limited/no cell phone reception.  Of course, the trade off is that you get to spend the whole time alternating between drinking, fishing, and drinking and fishing.  Pretty sweet deal.  Plus I caught a monster Swamp Muskie.  A monster.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Roy Halladay.  I, of course, missed this until I got back into town, but it seems Doc twirled himself a no-hitter this weekend.  That gets him to 7-3, with an ERA of 1.99 and a WHIP of 0.99, all while sporting a nice 70-12 strikeout-to-walk ratio.  So he's pretty much dominating the national league, just like I said, and has a shot to actually win 25 games, which I also said.  That's the reason I wanted to draft him early in our fantasy draft.  To which, Snake said, "I wouldn't draft Halladay if he was still there in the fifth round."  

2.  Jon Lester.  Remember watching this guy carve up the Twins a couple weeks ago?  Well that wasn't a fluke, and he continued mowing down hitters this week, going 2-0 and racking up 14 strikeouts in 13 innings while giving up just five hits and one run.  He's now #2 in the league in strikeouts and ranks in the top ten in both ERA and WHIP.  For years when I read about top prospects there was talk about the two Red Sock arms:  Lester and Clay Buchholz.  And now they've both actually developed and become top pitchers in the American League.  Since the Red Sox have more money than Scrooge McDuck they'll never have to worry about losing these guys in free agency and can just ride them for the next decade.  Great.  I really hate Boston.

3.  Buster Posey.  Besides having a sweet name, Posey is one of the top hitting prospects in all of baseball, but the Giants have kept him down at AAA because they are trying to figure out a position for him.  He's a catcher officially, but I think he's a catcher more like how Brian McCann and Brian Harper were catchers more than how Joe Mauer and the Molina's are catchers.  But when the bat talks, the bat talks, and after hitting .349/.442/.552 at Fresno the Giants made the call and brought him up this weekend.  He responded well.  In his first game, he went 3-4 with 3 RBI, and in game two on Sunday he 3-5 with two doubles and an RBI.  Sounds very Wilson Ramos-y, but I'm no anticipating that same dropoff for Posey.  Oh, and remember how I said he was a bad defensive catcher?  He played first base in both games. 

4.  Jason Kubel.  He's heating up folks.  Lock up your wives and daughters people, Kubel is heating up.  He hit .375 this week with 2 homers and 3 doubles, and continued to walk like a madman with an OBP of .500 - by far his overall best week this season.  What's crazy is even with his average languishing down in the .230s (and that's a big improvement lately), he's still OBPing at .355 and is second on the team in RBI.  If he can keep up this hot streak, I think we're talking possible triple-crown winner.  Yes, this year.

5.  The Daytona 500.  What a race!  It was amazing how all those guys drove in a circle so fast.  I'm kidding of course, because this stupid race is only thing that sucks about Memorial Day weekend.  I'd rather remove my own eyeballs with a shrimp fork than watch racing of any kind.  Not counting the Kentucky Derby. 


WHO SUCKED

1.  Phillies.  It seems a titch weird to be putting a team who had a pitcher throw a no-hitter for them into the sucked category, but that was only one of two games they won this week, going 2-4.  Going 2-4 might not necessarily warrant inclusion in the bottom section on it's own, but here are their run totals for the week:  0, 0, 0, 3, 1, 0.  And here is the illustrious group of pitchers who held them to four total runs for the week:  R.A. Dickey, Hisanori Takahashi (2 career starts), Mike Pelphrey, Chris Volstad, Josh Johnson (he's actually good), and Anibal Sanchez - and this doesn't even include the near no-hitter Dice-K tossed at them last Saturday.  I have a theory.  When Rollins was out, their midset was just "hold it together until J-Roll comes back."  Then he did, and there was much rejoicing.  But, as you would know if you have him on your fantasy team, he got hurt again and is back on the DL, and this time they're pretty bummed.  They're still going to end up winning the World Series, but they'll just do it in a less dominating fashion.

2.  Kendry Morales.   Remember when one of the Gramatica brothers blew out his knee after celebrating like he scored a goal in the World Cup?  This is like that, except not quite as funny.  In case you missed it, Morales hit a game-winning Grand Slam to beat the Mariners.  For some reason, despite it being a game in late May and not in September, the entire team met him at home plate to celebrate.  Morales jumped up to land on the plate, and somehow came out of it with a broken leg - a broken leg that might have ended his season.  Morales leads the team in average, home runs, and RBI and led in HRs, RBI, and OPS last year, so this is a pretty significant blow.  Seriously guys, I know it's exciting to win on a walk-off grand slam, but it's pretty hard to feel sympathy considering they were acting like they won Game 7 of the World Series.  Karma is always watching, and Karma hates jackassery.

3.  Bobby Jenks.  This guy sucks so hard.  He came into a non-save situation and gave up 3 hits and 3 runs while walking another 3 guys, and his ERA now stands at 6.35, and his WHIP is 2.06.  Somehow he's 7 out of 8 in save opportunities, but when he comes in and it's not a save opp he can't find the plate, and when he does he just gets ripped.  Plus he's a big fat idiot who sucks.  He's like Charlie Kerfeld crossed with Guy Fieri, with a dash of Jesse Crain.

4.  Vince Carter.  Bill Simmons long-running opinion of Vince Carter as a player you can't build a team around just continues to get validated over and over again, and really, just a bang-up job against the Celtics.  In the three games this week, Vinsanity managed to shoot 10-34, highlighted by an awesome 1-9 in game 4.  I saw the one basket he made, and it was a very nice take to the rim, one where he got hit pretty hard and made the free throw for a 3-point play.  But, just like Simmons says, if he gets hit he stops getting to the paint and settles for jumpers.  And that's exactly what he did.  The Magic are screwed with him on the team, but he's under contract for two more years.  Even more tragic:  he and Rashard Lewis (who also disappeared this postseason) will make a combined $36 million next year.  Thirty.  Six.  Million.  Dollars.

5.  NBA Finals.  Speaking of basketball, I'm bored by this matchup.  I'll be rooting for the Celtics, because I love watching Ray Allen shoot the J and I still kind of like Kevin Garnett and I hate Kobe Bryant and basically every other Laker other than Shannon Brown, but I'm bored with it.  It will actually be pretty fascinating to watch and see how Kobe deals with such a solid defensive team and if he is willing to keep getting Gasol involved or if he goes into one man show mode and how the Lakers are going to deal with Rondo/Allen/Pierce when Derek Fisher is going to be involved defensively.  Maybe it's really not all that bad of a matchup.  There are some good story lines and strategy decisions that need to be made here.  I take it back, it should be a pretty good finals.


Lastly, I didn't really want to put him in the official awesome section, but it should be noted here for posterity that Snacks had one of the best fishing weekends I've been privileged to see.  Apparently a chartreuse single-bladed spinner with a skirt guarantees you won't have to worry about going more than three casts in a row without catching something.  Nicely done.  Although I still caught the biggest swamp muskie (and the biggest crappie).

About this Ryan Howard contract

I was planning on saving this for something that sucks for my Monday review, but the more I think about it the more I want to write about it.  Plus, it's better than watching the Biggest Loser.

In case you haven't heard, Howard was just given a $5 year, $125 million contract extention by the Phillies, which kicks in AFTER next season.  The contract also includes a team option for $23 million in the sixth year, and if they choose not to exercise it they have to pay out a $10 million buyout.  Plus, there is a limited no-trade clause involved.  In short, this thing is monster that pays more per annum than what the Twins dished out to Mauer, and ranks behind just A-Rod on a $/Season basis.

This, in short, is a bit of a problem.  You see, both Howard's body type and statistical profile don't hold up well into the mid-thirties, and this contract will run until he's 37, not even including the option year.  Think Mo Vaughn, Cecil Fielder, or even our very own David Ortiz.  Howard is a good hitter, maybe even a great one now, but six years from now?  There is essentially zero chance he will be worth that money.  Big, overweight, slow, mediocre-to-poor fielders who can't hit lefties and strike out a lot don't generally produce until they're forty.

The two counter-examples I have heard are Jim Thome and Frank Thomas, who have hit well into their late thirties.  But there are some differences.  Neither Thome or Thomas was paid as if they were the second-best hitter in the league at that point in their career; Howard is.  Secondly, both of those guys lost about 10% of their ability in their late years.  That made them into the equivalent of Ryan Howard.  If Howard loses 10% of his ability, he'll be Michael Cuddyer.  Do you want to pay $25 million a year for Michael Cuddyer?  Hell, I don't even want to pay him the $9 million he's making this year. 

And that's not even counting what it might do to the Phillies long-term.  Jayson Werth, an underrated 20/20 guy with 30/30 upside, is almost certainly gone now.  The following year they are going to have to answer some tough questions about Jimmy Rollins and Cole Hamels as well.  And all this from the team that declined to pay Cliff Lee $8 million to have a rotation of Halladady, Lee, and Hamels.

I like the Phillies, and I like Ryan Howard, I really do.  But for what he is now, and what he will almost certainly be at the end of this contract, this is going to hamstring the Phils for at least the last two years of the deal, if not more.  There is something to be said for holding on to "the guys who got you there", but damn.  What is Pujols going to make?  $40 a year?

Oh, and also I'm willing to say that Francisco Liriano is back now.

MLB Preview - National League

I'm trying not to think about how we're about to lose Tubby Smith, so instead I'll turn my attention elsewhere so I don't break down and cry.  With just five days until opening day and the first day of being sick and tired of the Yankees/Sox media barrage it's time to roll out the baseball predictions.  I'm breaking this into National League and American League posts, one today and one tomorrow, because I'm way too lazy to it all at once.  I'm also starting with the National League - just to piss you off.

NL EAST

1.  PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES.  Take the same team that won the Series in 2008 and finished runner-up in 2009 and add the best (possibly second best) pitcher in baseball.  Yeah, I think they're going to be pretty good.  Look for Hamels to regain his 2008 form and J.A. Happ to get even better in his second year and they're likely going to be the team with the most wins in baseball.  I'm fully expecting Halladay to win 25 games.

2.  ATLANTA BRAVES.  They're getting a lot of preseason heat as a possible sleeper team, and it's not all that far-fetched.  Tommy Hansen is a stud, and there's good pitching behind him in the rotation, especially if Tim Hudson is back to top-of-his-game form like all the preseason crap is saying.  And this Jason Heyward hype has officially surpassed Wieters-levels.  If he isn't built like Deebo while hitting like Roy Hobbs and running like Willie Mays Hayes I'm going to be disappointed.

3.  FLORIDA MARLINS.  Outisde of pimp-daddy Hanley and alleged NL Rookie-of-the-Year Chris Coghlan there are plenty of questions about the lineup, but that rotation should be pretty rock solid.  At the very least Josh Johnson and Ricky Nolasco are going to form a very nice 1-2 punch at the top.  I'm very interested in seeing what Cameron Maybin can do with a full season of at-bats as well.

4.  NEW YORK METS.   I know you're thinking it's crazy to have the Mets in fourth, but go ahead and check out their team for a minute and then tell me they're good.  Wright has regressed, Reyes has some mystery ailment, their right-fielder was basically cut by Atlanta, and I've never even heard of their projected starting catcher.  Perhaps most damning of all, however, is that they STILL start Luis Castillo and bat him second.  Oof.  And that rotation is a nightmare behind Johan.  Oh, by the way, Johan.  How many postseason games have you played in since you forced the Twins to trade you? 

5.   WASHINGTON NATIONALS.  At least they have Strasburg so there's a reason to watch beyond watching Adam Dunn put everything he's got into every swing.  What's that?  They're starting him in the minors despite some truly sick Spring stats?  I hope it's worth the minimal savings you'll get by keeping his clock from running right away.  Seriously, who runs this team, Brad Childress?


NL CENTRAL

1.   ST LOUIS CARDINALS.  Although the Phillies should win more games, the Cards will probably win their division by the widest margin because after them this whole division should be thrown in a garbage dumpster.  It's basically Pujols and friends going up against five teams of Cleveland Indians.  I suppose I should predict something for this team, so I predict that Brad Penny will have one of his best ever years.  I also predict Ryan Franklin loses his closer job to Jason Motte.

2.  MILWAUKEE BREWERS.  All because Carlos Gomez came aboard?  Maybe.  We still have to see if he's continued to learn plate patience (you might not have noticed, but he was better last year).  The Brewers have the best lineup of the rest of the central teams and will be getting Rickie Weeks back.  There's a lot to like about the lineup here, and Gallardo gets any help behind him they could be in line for a Wild Card spot.  Ugliest part?  They still start Jeff Suppan, and LaTroy Hawkins is their top set-up guy.  Ouch.

3.  CINCINNATI REDS.  I'm giving a lot of credit to some young guys here, but I'm a big believer in most of these guys.  Injuries have derailed Homer Bailey before, but he finally hit his stride late last season and him and Cueto join veterans Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo to give Cincy's rotation a nice mix of young and old.  The lineup will need guys like Jay Bruce and Chris Dickerson to live up to their potential, but I say they do and make the Reds a dangerous team.

4.  CHICAGO CUBS.  Aramis is a walking injury, Soriano looks like he's basically done, their big free-agent signing was Marlon freaking Byrd, and their middle infield consists of that wiener Ryan Theriot and a cast-off from the Rockies.  Yuck.  The rotation is mostly brutal as well, and you can go ahead and pencil in Carlos Marmol for a complete meltdown as a closer right about mid-June.  Yeah, I'm not a big fan of the Cubbies this year.

5.  HOUSTON ASTROS.  This is the most boringest team in all of baseball.  Their big free-agent splash was signing Brandon Lyon.  Yawn.  Also, nice shitty signing, that guy sucks.  They should have two mid-teen game winners in Oswalt and Wandy Rodriguez, assuming Lyon doesn't blow every game.

6.  PITTSBURGH PIRATES.  I really didn't want to pick Pittsburgh to finish last because I'm starting to really like what their front office is doing (it's a new front office the last year or two), but I just can't quite yet.  They're moving in the right direction.  If Lastings Milledge has finally figured it out he and Andrew McCutchen make up a nice start to the outfield, and when Jose Tabata finally gets up that's going to be a very fast outfield.


NL WEST

1.  COLORADO ROCKIES.  If Chris Iannetta and Ian Stewart can raise their averages even a little this going to be a dangerous team because the lineup is loaded, and even if they don't they are still solid players because they walk a lot.  A good but not great rotation should be enough to win the West, assuming Franklin Morales doesn't blow it while he fills in for Huston Street.  Troy Tulowitzki is a complete and total stud, and if Albert Pujols didn't exist he'd have a shot at an MVP.

2.  LOS ANGELES DODGERS.  James Loney is kind of a lame-o and Blake DeWitt hasn't worked out, but the Dodgers hit home runs with Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp, who are a hell of a 1-2 punch.  Kemp looks like a good bet to go 30-30 and Ethier has the look of a career professional hitter.  The rotation is pretty thin, but Clay Kershaw at the front is a sure-fire Cy Young candidate, and will probably be for years to come.

3.  ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS.  They'd be a bit easier to place if I knkew what was going on with Brandon Webb, but in reality they probably couldn't be better than the teams above them and definitely couldn't be worse than the team's below them.  Like Kemp, Justin Upton has a shot at 30-30 this year, and is just an incredible hitter for his age - kind of like what everybody wanted Delmon Young to be just shoot me right in the face.

4.  SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS.  They get to finish fourth based solely on their pitching staff, because Lincecum and Cain are studs, Baumgartner and Jonathan Sanchez are potential studs, and everybody in the lineup sucks other than Pablo Sandoval (aka the black Billy Butler) and possibly Nate Schierholtz.  They also have Buster Posey, who has a super sweet name is is supposed to be a pretty big stud with the stick.  He better be, because their isn't much of a lineup here and there isn't much coming soon. 

 5.  SAN DIEGO PADRES.  Holy god this lineup is depressing.  How depressing?  Kevin Kouzmanoff hits clean-up, David Eckstein hits in the upper half, and I haven't come even close to hearing of their 7th or 8th batter.  The rotation isn't that much better, but at least there's some hope with guys like Clayton Richard, Mat Latos, and star of "The Last Best League" Tim Stauffer.  The bullpen is decent, but they'd really be better served trading Heath Bell for prospects (as well as Adrian Gonzalez) because they aren't going anywhere as currently constructed.   


NL Wild Card - L.A. Dodgers
NL Pennant - Philadelphia Phillies
MVP - Albert Pujols (runner up = Kemp)
CY YOUNG - Roy Halladay (runner up = Lincecum)
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR - Jesus Heyward (runner up = Posey)


AL preview should be coming tomorrow, assuming Tubby doesn't leave.  I mean by tomorrow, because I know he's leaving I just don't know when.

Suck.

God Damn It.

I hate the Yankees so much.  I can't even believe I thought I hated the Red Sox as much as I hated them.  Not even close.

Pretty much the only saving grace tonight is Mrs. W thinks Chase Utley is hot.  That makes two of us, my dear, that makes two of us.  I believe the quote was, "he looks like Jess from Gilmore Girls."  Sadly, I know what that means.

This is the first time I've ever approved of one of her crush's more other than that one time she liked me.


Also I just want to say Cohutta is the fuckin' man.  I love that bumpkin.

World Series Game 5 Live Blog

It could be the last game of the baseball season, so I might as well Live Blog this crap, right?  Plus we'll see if my man-crush on Cliff Lee grows, or just disappears like a john, with nothing more than a crisp new fifty on the night stand and a slight burning sensation during urination.  We're picking this game up in the top of the second after finally getting Wonderbaby^TM ready for bed.  She's a bit wound up after her first day of pre-pre-school today, and I'm a bit concerned because the majority of her classmates look like Sloth from the Goonies.  On to the show.....

-  It's 3-1 Phillies thanks to Chase Utley continuing to be a P.I.M.P.  And I turned it on just in time to hear McCarver say, "American League batters are used to Mariano Rivera breaking bats, but not many of them know about Cliff Lee........even though he was with the Indianas............Lee's a different pitcher with Philadelphia."  Dude.  Just stop.  It makes me glad I've been watching most of this with no sound - which I'll be doing again shortly once Mrs. W gets back from putting the baby down.

-  Speaking of Lee and pitching game five, I think he should have been moved up and pitched last night, but this yahoo article is quite harsh and mostly retarded (like Dawger).  I hardly think that decision "blew the world series" or that Charlie Manuel is like Forrest Gump and "stupid is as stupid does."  He also calls Cliff Lee "not an ace" because he didn't demand the ball for game 4.  I'm seriously stumped.  I didn't like it at the time, but I'm thinking that it was actually a good decision by Manuel.  Think about it - Blanton pitched well enough for the Phillies to win, Lidge blew the game.  If they can steal a win with Blanton going against Sabathia, suddenly the Phillies are in the driver's seat, and they damn near did it, again, if it wasn't for Lidge - not Blanton and not Manuel.  I'm willing to bet Passan had this article typed up before even the first pitch of Sunday night's game, and when the Phils lost he just hit send on his little mac-book.  It's not even surprising, that seems to be the standard for journalism these days.  Except me.  I'm really good.

-   Boy has Texeira been brutal.  Another weak grounder with a runner on base, and he's now at .062 for the series.  And yet since the Yankees will win, nobody will say a word.  This is so unfair to A-Rod. 

-  There is way too much being made of Damon stealing third after stealing second on the same play.  Yes, it was totally heads up and a great, smart, alert play - no doubt.  But also let's try to remember that A-Rod doubled two batters later - Damon is scoring from any base.  I'm just thankful Jeter isn't the one who made that play, can you imagine?  It would make the Madden/Favre love fest look like Twilight.  Because it's a chastity parable.  Shut up.  No, you're gay.

-  Utley walks and steals second - any chance we can get a losing player winning the World Series MVP?  I don't think it's ever happened, right?  I know some defensive guy from the Cowboys won the Super Bowl MVP even though the Cowboys lost back in the 70s, but I don't think it's happened in baseball.  Of course, seeing as how Jeter is on the Yankees and everyone loves him more than life itself, he'll get it for hitting .360 with no runs batted in and just two extra-base hits.  What a joke.  God I hate you Derek Jeter.  You know that scene is Se7en, where Kevin Spacey ties that guy to the bed and like cuts his hand off and somehow tortures him but keeps him alive for like a year?  What?  I'm just asking if you remember that scene, I ain't sayin' nothin'.

-  The NL's Jason Kubel knocks in Utley.  Burnett getting rocked.  And trust me, A.J. Burnett doens't have the mental capacity to recover when he's getting smoked.  Might as well pack up and head to New York, folks, this one's over.

-  Ibanez knocks in another one, and that'll do it for fragile little A.J.  We're going to David Robertson here folks, although if I'm Girardi I call this one over and go to Mitre or Gaudin.

-  Wow, base hit for Cliff Lee.  We're at 6-1 here, and Rollins can break this baby wide open.  Well, wide opener.

-  Strikes out like a jerk.

-  Link to Blue Ribbon's preview of Gopher basketball.  It points out something I had either forgotten or never knew:  The Gophers had more turnovers than assists last year.  Ouch.  Damian Johnson, Al Nolen, and Kevin Payton were the only ones with more assists than TOs, and Westbrook (1/1.5), Iverson (1/2.2), and Busch (1/2.l) were absolute killers.  Let's go ahead and put that as priority #1 for next season, shall we?  Also note that with rounding, future Big Ten P.O.Y. Ralph Sampson was one of only four players with a 1-to-1 ratio or better (and, of course, the preview doesn't fail to compare him to his "Heroin Satan" father - god that must get old).

-  FYI, Colbie Smulders recently had a baby, and she has lost the baby weight, but she hasn't lost it from everywhere, if you know what I'm saying.  (NOTE:  I'm talking about her boobs.)  This is her, if you are unaware:

Now imagine that with some C+ cups.

-  Derek Jeter got a hit.  MVP!  MVP!  MVP!  MVP!

-  Don't worry, nothing came of it.  And a great catch in left-center by Brett Gardner.  He's 10 times the fielder Melky is, too bad he can't hit for shit.  Sounds an awful lot like Carlos Gomez, no?

-  Iowa is ranked #4 in the latest BCS.  Serious question, how many other top 10 teams do you think Iowa would beat more often than not?  Florida?  Texas?  Alabama?  Boise?  Georgia Tech?  Cincy?  TCU?  I'm not sure there's a single team here they are bettre than..

-  Ok, actually they got a run somewhere back there, and it's now 6-2.  I would have known that, but I have become a bit distracted by facebook, and everybody trying to sound cool and ignore the fact that I was part of a group interview of Magic Johnson and Larry Bird today.  You are all jerks.

-  Oh, yeah.  So I was part of a conference call of a bunch of writers who got to do a group interview of Magic and Larry today.  Of course, it was only an hour and there were people from like, ESPN and The Sporting News and USA Today, etc., so I didn't get a chance to actually ask a question since I'm pretty sure I'd be the Pittsburgh Pirates of the invitees, but it was still cool.

- Cliffy keeps rolling along, now through seven with just the two runs allowed.  It certainly wouldn't hurt for the Phillies to pick up a couple of more runs here. 

-  This probably deserves it's own post, but here is a report on Corey Joseph's reaction to his official visit on Saturday.  Sounds good, folks, sounds really good.  In particular pay attention to the first two comments below the article - very insightful.

-  Utley just destroys a pitch down the line, but foul.  Dude, that guy is so dialed in right now it's ridiculous.

-  And the very next pitch he goes yard.  Again.  This guy is a second basemen, it just isn't right.  That's five in this series, which I think is some kind of record.  And we could have two more games.  I'm actually kind of starting to believe the Phillies can come back and win this - delirious, I know.

-  Ibanez goes yard.  This Phil Coke guy sucks.  Let me remind you all that Pedro's career postseason WHIP = 1.07.  Bring it Yanks, because I feel a career defining Pedro performance on Wednesday.  Yes, another one.

-  Cliffy gives up three straight hits, including a double that probably should have been caught but Ibanez is 100 years old to A-Rod and it's 8-4, and we get Chan Ho Park for like the 10th time this series.  Confidence = ug.

-  Park gets three straight guys out, but another run comes in when Ben Francisco - in at CF for the Flyin' Hawaiian who may or may not have injured his hand after taking a Burnett fastball off it - totally lolligags the throw to home and A-Rod tags up from third.  Really a very good, smart play.  He did the bluff-type thing, saw Francisco kind of wasn't really trying, and then just kept going and beat the throw.  Good play.  8-5 Phils, but the Yanks will get one more crack at it.

-  T-Wolves down 25-23 in the first.  I benched Kaman on my fantasy basketball team tonight and put in Ryan Anderson because I need more three-pointers.  Kaman has 8 points and 6 boards already.  Why the hell would I bench a center against the Wolves?  Dumb.  And speaking of fantasy, I now have the details on my fantasy college basketball league.  I'll be posting those sometime this week. 

-  Oh yeah, my fantasy basketball (NBA) team includes LeBron, Dwight Howard, Andrew Bynum, Joe Johnson, and Derrick Rose.  Yeah, I'm dominant.  Also when I just looked up my roster right there I realized that Kaman is still starting until tomorrow, so disregard all that "I'm dumb" talk.  Plus, you should have tried to make me feel better and you didn't.  Why are your feelings the only ones that matter?

-  8-5 still, but Madson gives up a lead-off double to Posada.  Seeing as how you not only can't trust Lidge, but he's probably not available anyway, I'd assume this is Madson's show.  If he sucks and they end up bringing in Brett Myers at any point, we might as well just engrave the trophy for the Yanks right then and there.

-  I just saw Danielle Harris's boobs.  God bless you free Showtime preview.

-  Base hit for Matsui.  If I used swear words on this blog, this would be the part where I would type fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

-  Jeter grounds into a double play.  Ha ha, way to be a True Yankee, Jeter.  Awesome.

-  Damon base hit.  A Tex home run here ties the game.  Awesome.  Nice bullpen Philadelphia.

-  Nevermind, he strikes him out proving that there is at least one person on this planet with the last name Madson who you can trust, and we're going back to New York where the Yankees will almost certainly win it.  But I really hope not.

World Series Game 3 Live Blog

Seeing as it is Halloween, the missus and I are watching Drag me to Hell, which so far is a pretty good movie despite the presence of Justin Long.  It's helped by the fact that I am a little bit in love with Alison Lohman, who could be sisters with both Jenna Fischer and Anna Paquin.  Can you image those three in the same family, because they could easily all be related.  I think I'd go Fischer, Paquin, Lohman, but really, whichever order they want to come to me in is fine by me.

Anyway, I'm also watching the World Series on an internet feed, as I usually do, and the Gophers are being monitored thanks to the game tracker via ESPN.com.  Currently the Gophers are recovering from an almost blown awesome start, but lead 21-10 with 2 minutes left in the first half, the Yanks and Phillies are tied 0-0 in the bottom of the first, and this chick in the movie should not have turned that old lady down for a loan, because I'm pretty sure she's fucked at this point.  Any way, let's roll.

-  Andy Pettitte is the all-time leader in postseason wins?  W.T.F??!?!  This would be like finding out Derek Jeter is third all-time in postseason home runs........WHAT!!??!

-  Just got back from tending to my pumpkin seeds (slow roasted at 300 degrees for an hour, butter spray, seasoned salt, garlic powder) and the Phillies managed to get nothing out of Jimmy Rollins's leadoff single and steal of second.  Can't waste opportunities, boys, you know the Yanks won't.  Or maybe they will.  I don't know.

-  I guess we'll find out as my sort-of boyfriend Cole Hamels plunks a-rod with the first pitch of the second inning.  Cole and I were going really good most of last year, it was pretty serious, I think he might have picked out a ring, but I kind of had to slow things down most of this year.  Now he's been slowly winning me back over, and this is a pretty good chance for him to get back into my good graces.

-  Pedro Feliz, who Tim McCarver keeps insisting is one of the best 3bmen in baseball, bobbles and easy double play ball and they only get A-rod at second.  What do you want to bet that costs them?

-  Nevermind, my boyfriend pitched out of it with no further issues.  I guess that was a bad bet, like most of them that Snacks lays down these days.

-  Wow, this chick in this movie is having a couple of really horrible days.  Nice rack though.

-  Home run Jayson Werth to lead off the second.  He really had to go down and get it, too.  A lot like Matsui's in Game 2, but insead of hitting a pop up that somehow managed to get over the fence by some weird miracle, he laced that sumbitch into like the 15th row in left field.  A right-handed, National League Jason Kubel with speed and fielding.  So really he has nothing in common with Kubel at all, except they are both underrated and I love them both (NOTE:  I love Kubel more).

-  With one out, Feliz doinks one off the wall for a double, and then walks Carlos freaking Ruiz.  Falling apart, Pettitte?  Need a little GHB or your precious "God?"  Well you're on your own, chief.

-  The Spartans took the opening kick of the second half back for a TD?  Good lord.

-  Uh, oh, bunt hit for Hamels because Pettitte can't field.  I'm feeling blow out here folks, this might be a a very short live blog - no point continuing when the Phillies are up 15-0.

-  Pettitte walks in a run, walking Rollins on five pitches.  He looks awful, just awful.  Which, of course, is good for me, and for America.

-  The Phils pick up one more, and it's a 3-0 now going to the third.  This game is huge for Philadelphia, because next up is Sabathia vs. Blanton, in a game the Yankees should win 20-1. 

-  Gophers answer, and it's 28-17.  Honestly, you can't lose that game after the way it started for them, or you might as well quit football and move on to field hockey.  In case you missed it, the Gophers scored on the first play from scrimmage on a long TD pass to Duane Bennett, then MSU fumbled the kickoff and Minnesota recovered, and converted that into another TD with a pass to future stud Brandon Green.  In other words, a near perfect start.

-  so I have no sound with this internet feed (well, I do but instead we are watching some crazy goat-sacrificing seance), but Predro Feliz just fielded a grounder and threw a guy out, and they've now shown the replay four times, paying most attention to how he used two hands to field it.  Twenty bucks says McCarver is having a jizz party over this righ tnow, and that's why we are watching a routine play over and over and over.

-  I'm having trouble getting the ESPN tracker to work, but it appears Sparty just returned a kickoff for a touchdown for the second time this game, and it's now 28-24 Gophers.  I would wager my kickass Protege (with Spoiler) that the Spartans win this game.

-  Oh, nevermind it was only an 84-yard touchdown run, not a kickoff return.  No need to panic, pretty routine.

-  A-Rod dingers after Texeira walks.  It's the Yankees first hit, the first higt A-Rod has ever gotten against Hamels, and it makes the score 3-2.  On a related note, or not, somehow Michigan State now leads the Gophers 31-28.  You pretty much have to get rid of Brewster, right?  Maybe they bring in a new coach and keep Brewster on as tight ends' coach.or something.

-  What the hell?  Wanda Sykes is getting her own talk show? 

-  Error or Rodriguez to lead off the fourth.  I guess we should call him E-Rod.  Can a get a rimshot here?

-  We finished Drag me to Hell.  I'm going to lightly recommend it.  Up next is Orphan, which I'm assuming involves some creepy kid.  I have a feeling I'm going to be very wary of Wonderbaby^TM tomorrow.

-  And now the Gophers are up again, thanks mostly to a fifty-three yard completion from Weber to someone named Da'Jon McKnight, who I have definitely never head of.  What a crazy game.  It's almost enough to make me wish I was watching.

-  Uh, this Orphan movie is pretty effed up right here.  Pretty sure that opening scene is going to give me nightmares for years.  NICE MOVIE PICK MRS. W!

-  Yankees tie it up on a Nick Swisher double and a Pettitte single.  Yes, a Pettitte single.  Call me crazy here, but maybe you don't throw your lollipop curveball to a career .134 hitter.  I'm thinking it makes more sense to save that pitch for guys who can actually hit so you can disrupt their timing.  Not a guy who you could throw nothing but fastballs too and he'd make contact 10% of the time.  You are on thin ice, Hamels.

-  And it's now 5-3 thanks to a Jeter bloop and a Damon double.  And now he walks Texeira to bring A-Rod back up.  and he's being yanked for Happ.  We are so broken up.  And not like a Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson break-up, I mean real one.

-  Sparty field goal, 35-34 Gophers.  Wow.

-  Just got a text from snacks, who is at the Gopher game, which is now 42-34 and clearly the craziest game ever.  He told me to turn the game on, which I did, so I could see the weird Tow-Arnett deflection to Bennett thing, which might be the most unreal play I've seen in a long time.  I kind of wish I was watching that game.

-  This kid in this movie is creepy as all shit.

-  Home run Swisher, 6-3 Gay-nkees.  Interest level:  waning.

-  The NL version of Jason Kubel homers to lead off the sixth, and it's now 6-4.  I am also now watching the last two minutes of the Gopher game, and I was all excited to watch Sparty march down in the last two minutes to end up tying it up, but instead some dumb bastard runs into the punter to give the Gophers a first down, and that should just about do it.  Totally earned that victory, way to go, Brewster.

-  So far the kid is just creepy, and hasn't killed anybody or poisoned anybody or lit anyone on fire yet or anything.  She should probably get on that here pretty quickly, especially since her parents are horny pervs who get it on at the drop of a hat no matter who or what is around.  Seriously, bending the wife over the kitchen table and going to town is good stuff, but when you have three kids and it's like 8pm, I'd probably advise against it.  Pervs.

-  J.D. Durbin.  The Real Deal.  And he still sucks.  Couple hits, couple walks, and a run, and he was bailed out by what could only be described as the worst call in history - Posada was rung up on pitch that was well below the knees and about a foot outside.  Almost wonder if the umps are supposed to make sure this thing gets back to New York.  After those excerpts from the Donaghy book, who the hell knows what's going on in pro sports. 

-  Wait.  This one is Chad Durbin, who has made a decent career out of being a middle reliever.  The Real Deal hasn't pitched in the bigs since 2007, totaled just 72 innings pitched in his career, and is currently floundering about in the Dodgers' system.  But perhaps most damning of all?  Baseball Reference has a section for each player where it lists their nicknames.  There is no mention of "The Real Deal" on his page.  None whatsoever. 

-  She now pushed some mean girl down a slide and she hurt her ankle.  This chick's evil level is closer to Nelson Muntz than Damien.

-  Black taco.

-  Well, now she killed some black nun lady by hitting her in the head wiht a hammer like, fifty times.  That was pretty evil.  But in her defense, she's Russian.

-  Matsui takes Brett Myers yard to make it 8-4.  Amazing somebody can hit the ball that far without opening their eyes.  Also, Brett Myers?  Seriously?  God the Phillies' bullpen sucks.  And now they're screwed.  You can't go with Blanton tomorrow now, can you?  Let's be honest, that guy is terrible, and if they go with Blanton it's going to be 3-1 Yankees.  You need to go with pimp daddy Cliffy, it's the only way.

-  Phillies' are down 8-4 in the 8th, and Marte is pitching.  What they need to do is make the game close enough so Rivera has to come in.  Obviously, ideally they would win, but barring that they need to at least make Mariano pitch. 

-  Good job Phillies.  He strikes out two and gets Ibanez to line out.  Worthless. 

-  I'd love to keep blogging this crap, but we're going to play strip Trivial Pursuit.  I'm sure you understand.  For now, Happy Halloween readers, from the W family:

World Series Game 2 Live Blog

Picking this one up in the bottom of the second with the Phils leading 1-0 and Pedro looking very, very good - four batters, four outs, three by strikeout, and if the Phillies can manage to steal this one, I'd be the happiest little girl in Switzerland, with my pretty hair all in braids while I drink my hot chocolate and pet a Saint Bernard. 

-  Ibanez with a nice diving catch that maybe saved a run, or at least a hit.  What's he doing out in left field?  He should be DHing.  Unless they put my boy Matty Stairs at DH?  Please let this be true.

-  And now we get Jerry Hairston, Jr. instead of Nick Swisher.  Hmmm, le'ts see.  Swisher OPS = .869, Jerry Hairston, Jr. = .710.  For you uniformed cretins out there, that's the difference between Jason Kubel and Orlando Cabrera.  I'm not sure I make that switch, assuming similar defense, under any circumstances.  Of course, Hairston is a light-hitting player who can play multiple positions well.  Gardy would start him at bat him second.

-  Burnett with a lot of movement on his ball tonight, so much so that Jimmy Rollins just missed a breaking ball by about a foot - and I'm not exaggerating.  Must be because he has his fancy personal catcher, a catcher by the way who OPSed  .560 this year, which is somewhere between Mike Redmond and Alexi Casilla, and even worse than Nick Punto.  He's been benched for  Jorge Posada, who OPSed .885, which is slightly better than Justin Morneau.  So the Yankees have torpedoed their offensive two ways, one because of a completely overreatction and one because of a big crybaby of a pitcher.  Nice job.  By the way, Posada and Molina both threw out 28% of attempted base stealers.  Nice job A.J.

-  Wow.  Walking Utley to face Howard?  Wow.

-  Well, he whiffed him.  Point Girardi.  Still think the Molina and Hairston moves are balls stupid.

-  Pedro walks Molina.  Nice job you jackass dominican or puerto rican or cuban or whatever.  This sets it up for Jeter to be "a yankee legend."  Or strikeout like the probably gay douchebag he is, hahahahahahahahahaha.  Suck it, jeter.

-  I want you people to stop for a minute and realize just how good Pedro Martinez was in his prime.  Because I'm trying to watch the game online I don't really have time to do a ton of digging, so we're just going to use ERA to analyze him.  More specifically, ERA+ which basically compares your ERA with the league average ERA in that season and gives you a numerical number, with 100 = league average.  Well Pedro has the #1 ERA+ of all-time (since 1900) in 2000 when his ERA was 1.74 (league average was4.92).  He is also #8 on that list.  And #16.  And #25.  And #31.  You know how good Zack Greinke was compared to the rest of the league this year?  He was #30.  Nobody else has three top 16 seasons.  Only Walter Johnson also has four top-25 seasons, and nobody else has five top 31 seasons.  Needless to say, he is the all-time career leader in that stat amongst starting pitchers (Mariano is the all-time leader).  Make no mistake, this guy was absolutely, unfathomably, incredibly, untouchably awesome. 

-  And while I was typing that Texeira homered to tie the game.  That only cost the Yankees $500,000 ($20,000,000 / 40 homers).  Good lord.

-  Oh, I forgot to mention, I looked it up and indeed Matt Stairs is the Phillies' DH.  Not only that, but he has the Phils' one RBI tonight.  That guy is so freaking awesome.  I love that big crazy goofball.

-  Do you watch The Office.  Man, that was the best show for every year up until this year.  Suddenly it seems they have no idea what they are doing with the characters or where they are going with any of the storylines.  It still has it's moments, and it still has some really, really good episdoes (the wedding episode was awesome), but I'm just not sure what's going on here.  Actually, The Office is really similar to Tubby's 2010 recruiting class so far.  Kind of unimpressive, a let down from previous years, but still time to turn it around/show how I'm wrong and I completely trust the people in charge.  Holy crap that's brilliant.  I feel like Samuel Taylor Coleridge over here.

-  We're watching Vampire Diaries right now.  Well, the wife is.  I'm watching the Phillies continue to look like fools against Burnett.  Anyway, it's pretty much just like Dawson's Creek with Vampires and is nowhere near as good as True Blood, but it has the third hottest black chick I've ever seen, a grown-up and hot Maureen from Freaks and Geeks, and this hot chick named Nina Dobrev who was also in the criminally underrated movie "Never Cry Werewolf" starring Hercules.  That was a lot of words so just shush and look at her:

-  Well, Matsui just hit a weak pop fly to right field, but because this new Yankee Stadium is an absolute joke (think Sandlot in Dusty Diamond All-Star Softball), it somehow managed to clear the fence.  Seriously, Pedro pitches a hell of a game, but now he's trailing because of that garbage?  Shouldn't there be some kind of rules in place to prevent people from building these monuments to subpar power hitters?  G.  A.  Y.

-  Ibanez has almost an identical stance to Jim Eisenrich.  And just got called out on a pitch that was both low and outside.  I was waiting for the pro-Yankee umpiring to show up.  Freakin' conspiracy man.  Like the moon landing.

-  Jesus this guy just called Stairs out on the same pitch.  That pitch is nowhere near a strike.  Might as well turn this game off right now, it's clear that MLB doesn't want the Yanks down 2-0.

-  So I stumbled across a reference to a movie called "Tyrannosaurus Rex" coming out in 2013.  Immediately you could have called me Hugh G. Rection.  I was very excited, is what I'm trying to say, aroused even, if you will.  Then I read the synopsis.  It's about a boxer who gets caught up in an underground fighting ring.  Shouldn't people be arrested for that shit?  And not only for misleading me so horribly, but you know this movie is going to star Cam Gigandet.

-  Back to back Yankee singles (including one by Hairston, dammit).  That will do it for Pedro.  Hell of a game.  And they are going to Chan Ho Park.  I'm going to assume they're writing this one off and are happy to go back to Philly with a split.

-  Park had a 4.43 ERA and a 1.40 WHIP.  There have to be better options.  Also, who knew that asians could grow full beards?  Other than Genghis Khan and that cult leader from Japan guy who tried to use Sarin Gas in the subway.  Wait.  So Park is a supervillian?  Makes sense, since he just gave up a hit and another run.  Totally worth it since "Mr Intangibles and Mr. Yankee and total clutch performer who can do anything" just failed to get down a sac bunt and struck out.  Suck it, Jeter.

-  Double play after Howard catches the ball in the air or doesn't or something.  Honestly I couldn't even tell on several replays if he caught that or not.  Then again, I'm a little drunk. 

-  I know I'm talking about TV alot today, but shut up it's my blog.  Get your own if you don't like.  Anyway my point here is that I stopped watching Heroes.  The first season is still one of the best seasons of all-time of any show, for serious, but it has totally lost it's way.  Not only has the writing petered off and become it's own little SyFy original movie script, but they can't kill anybody off.  They have killed like, ten people on that show, only to have each and every one of them (somtimes multiple times each) come back to life, not really be dead, or basically find some back way to get them back on the show.  That's all fine and dandy for a kids show, where you can't expect children to deal with death and all that jazz, but this is ridiculous for an adult show, and specifically a science fiction show.  Even Vampire Diaries just killed off a major character with a stake through her hot boob. I just can't do it.  I'm out.

-  Phils down two and will now have to face Chamberlain and Rivera.  Not lookin' good here.

-  Whoops, nevermind, we're going with Mariano for two here.  I don't know if I agree or disagree in this situaton, but mostly because the Twins have never had a manager who can think outside of the "closer for the ninth" box, despite the fact that Captian Dumbshit

-  A huge walk to Rollins in an 11-pitch at bat and a single by Victorino passed "gold-glover" Texeira and we're in business.

-  Shit.  Utley grounds into a double play, mostly the umpire called anything within a foot of the plate a strike so he had to hack around.  Seriously, this is some of the worst balls and strikin' I've seen in a while.  Also, thanks for cutting to a replay of Jeter pumping his fist as you go to commercial, Fox.  Lord knows we don't see/hear/read enough about him already.

-  Mrs. W just asked me who was winning the game and when I said the Yankees she made a very nice noise of disgust.  So at least I got that going for me.

-  Ibanez doubles in the bottom of the ninth with two outs.  It's now up to Matty Stairs.  I think I'm in heaven.

-  Nevermind, he strikes out.  That wasn't very exciting.  Oh well, a split is what you had to hope for.  The Phillies are in pretty good shape, and Yankee fans are all douchebags, and don't let Ashley Tisdale tell you differently.

World Series Game 1 Live Blog

Picking this bad boy up in the fourth, 1-0 Phillies thanks to the awesome Chase Utley.  Sabathia looked shaky early, but seems to have settled down, and Cliff Lee has been great.

-  Cliff Lee is like the next Sandy Koufax, dude.  I wasn't sure why they were going with Lee over Hamels, but he just struck out the side and looked awesome doing it.  Good call charlie Manuel.

-  Wow, I'm so used to Gardy here that I'm actually stunned that Robinson Cano isn't bunting here with a runner on first and nobody out.  Of course, Cano isn't exactly Punto, and he hit around .300 with 20+ homers, so I guess this isn't quite the same situation.

-  Wow, what a great freaking play by Rollins.  I have no idea if he meant to catch it or drop it, but he turned two either way and it was, simply put, brilliant.

-  UTLEYYYYyyyyyyyyy x2

-  By the way, I checked out some of the Wolves' game tonight, and first of all, that team is god awful (currently losing 74-61), and secondly, holy crap is Damien Wilkins a terrible defender.  He's ok on offense, in a boring sort of way (10 pts/9 rebs) but just a terrible, terrible, horrible, ugly defender.  In the fifteen minutes or so I watched, he gave up a bunch of layups, both by getting beat off the dribble and by losing guys away from the ball on cuts or screens.  It was, without question, the worst thing I've ever watched - other than Jumper.

-  McCarver keeps talking about how Jayson Werth is the best player nobody is talking about, and it turns out in a rare turn of events he's right.  .268/.373/..506 with 36 homers this year?  That's nearly identical to the year Jason Bay had, and Bay is talked about as a top five MVP kind of guy, while Werth is rarely mentioned in any conversation of the game's best.  You know why?  People love RBIs, and Bay had 119 while Werth had 99.  Werth is kind of like the Jason Kubel of the National League, and he's rapidly moving up my list of favorite players. 

-  Now that I think about it, I think the debate was actually Hamels or Pedro for game 2, not Hamels vs. Lee for game 1.  In any case, Cliff Lee is god damned awesome.

-  Jeter knocks a hit with one out in the bottom of the sixth.  Man, he is such a true Yankee hero.  He's like the Brett Favre of baseball (which kind of makes him the Pete Rose of baseball, which actually makes a lot of sense).

-  Lee gets Damon to pop up, and not only does he catch it himself (going against a very silly unwritten rule of baseball) but kind of pulls a hybrid Rickey Henderson 1-handed catch/Hap Felsch basket catch).  Very pimp.  Lee is rapidly moving up the chart of my favorite players, also partially because of that wicked ass curveball that I somehow didn't realize he had.

-  It's now clear that I'm rooting heavily for the Phillies, which makes sense since I kind of adopted them as my NL team after I went to a game at Citizen's Bank Park for a work thing.  I wasn't expected Yankee hatred to bubble to the surface, but here it is.  It wasn't until I started picturing the articles and reactions if they won that my blood started to boil.  Please don't let the Yankees win, it's going to be disgusting.

-  CC walks Francisco to lead off the inning, but gets a double play and another easy out.  He's at 113 pitches, so is probably done for the night.  That was a big chance to get a couple more, hopefully it doesn't kill them, because that Philly bullpen is questionable at best.  Luckily kick ass Cliff Lee is only at about 86, two more innings and then hand it over to Lidge (and close your eyes and pray).

-  One other thing I forget to mention from the Wolves game (currently losing 87-79), is that Terrence Williams, formerly of Louisville and now on the Nets, is going to be an absolute stud.  The announcer called him a point guard trapped in a linebacker's body, and that's a pretty apt description.  He currently has 15 points and 10 boards, and was unstoppable when I was watching (Brook Lopez has 27 and 14, but he's a weirdo and the Wolves don't have anything resembling a center, so I'm not impressed).   

-  Holy crap Natalie Portman is on Top Chef (which we are watching, I'm watching the game on an internet feed) and oh my goodness is she hot.  This isn't quite like seeing her live, but she's not in a movie role and she is just amazing looking.  I always had her near the top of my list, but I have kind of forgotten about her lately.  No more.  She is rapidly moving up my list of hottest chicks.  Look:

-  Posada check swings a little nubber down the line which Lee picks up, and instead of just tagging Posada out, he tags him by slapping him on the ass with his glove.  Man crush picking up major steam.  Right now if I have to choose Portman or Lee, I'm going Portman, but it's closer than you'd like to think or I'd like to admit.

-  Yankees close Sabathia's day out:  7ip, 4 hits, 3 walks, 2 runs, and 6 Ks.  Pretty good day of work outside of the two Utley ding-dongs.  Of course, he's also lucky none of those walks came around to score.  The Yanks are going Hughes here, and I'm guessing Rivera in the 9th, so the Phils better hope they don't somehow lose this lead.

-  NOTE:  Natalie Portman's favorite color is purple.  This will come in handy when I commence with the stalking.  And she just made a "prick in your mouth" joke.  Be still my heart.

-  Sorry.  During all that Rollins walked and stole second, followed by another walk to Victorino, and we're going to Damaso Marte.  Nice job Hughes, I'm glad you're not a Twin.  That would be pretty sweet if Utley knocks out a third one here.  I'm also legitimately surprised Girardi isn't giving the ball to Mariano here - I thought that was always the M.O.

-  Utley whiffs on three called strikes that all might have been outside, but the important thing here is that somehow the Wolves won 95-93.  I have no idea what happened, but now I'm going to have to watch the damn news.  You win this round, Don Shelby.

-  God, watching this show she has such a wonderful personality, too, and she's smart and a Harvard grad.  Two real issues here:  1) she's a flaming liberal and 2) she's a vegetarian.  I don't think it would work for us to get married, but Natalie, if you want to have a little fling shoot me an email, girl.

-  Robertson comes in and walks Werth after Howard flew out.  Bases loaded, two outs for Ibanez.  Still surprised we aren't getting Rivera.

-  Ibanez comes through and knocks in two, looks like Rivera would have been a better move than leaving in Dave frreaking Robertson.  I think Girardi should be fired.

-  Cliffy back out for the 8th, just under 100 pitches.  If he can handle this one quick we might be looking at a complete game shut out.

-  Two pitches, and a ground ball up the middle he fields behind his back.  I don't think I even need to say it.

-  Lee whiffs Swisher for the second out.  I wonder if he's still making the team laugh and doing fancy handshakes while they continue walking out there and looking like clowns against Superman Lee.

-  Third out is an easy fly out.  Lee at something like 107 pitches.   Hopefully they give him the chance to finish it.

-  Phillies pick up two more on a bunch of hits, and it would have been three put apparently the "Flyin' Hawaiian" is slow as shit.  6-0 going into the bottom of the ninth.

-  Two bloop hits and a Jimmy Rollins error and the shutout is gone, but Lee finishes it out and the Phils lead 1-0, and this was just a stud performance by Cliff Lee.  I think he's rocketing up my list of favorite baseball players.