MLB Playoff Preview

When TRE, from the latest and greatest Gopher blog Still Got Hope? reached out to me to ask if I wanted to do a co-MLB playoff preview with him my first though was "jesus that sounds like work."  Then I remembered that I've seen TRE in real life and he's a gigantic monster man who would probably rip my arms out my sockets and beat me over the head with them wookie-style if I angered him, so I figured I better do it.

So here's the protocol - I'm previewing the AL, he's previewing the NL which works well for me because my knowledge of the NL is on par with Super Sioux Fan's knowledge of cooking - NOT ALL THAT MUCH.  Then we'd each write a paragraph in response to the other's original paragraph.

Will we agree?  Disagree?  Fight?  Will we come to blows?  TOO SOON TO TELL.  But it should be exciting.  My pants are already half-off in anticipation.

AMERICAN LEAGUE



TEXAS RANGERS vs. TAMPA RAYS  

DWG:  Classic match-up here of momentum vs. unstoppablenessittude.  The Ranger offense is really good at hitting and scoring, much like Bobby Brown, and really has no holes.  But that's the fun thing about good pitching, it creates those holes.  Tampa has the two best pitchers in this deal in Shields and Price, and in a short series sometimes that's all you need.  Evan Longoria is looking sexy and mashing baseballs, and the Rays have heaps of karma from playing the role of Will Hunting to the Sox Carmine Scarpaglia, and saving the world from the hoards of Boston douchefans that always come out of the woodwork for the playoffs.  THAT ROBAHT ANDINO IS WICKED GOOD!  This should be a dogfight, but I give the edge to pitching and karma.  Rays in Five.

TRE:  Evan Longoria is as good a hitter as he is a dreamboat.  On Wednesday he basically willed the Rays into the playoffs and it was amazing.  TREbro cried like a river when the Sox missed the playoffs. (he's a longtime fan, don't try and make sense of it)  TREbro's wife bombarded facebook with Red Sox propaganda too.  None of that could make Carl Crawford not suck extremely hard.

The Rays and Rangers did this dance last year and it took five games for the Rangers to take them down.  They're a year wiser and a year better.  Rangers noob Napoli had a monster second half (.383 AVG, .706 SLG) and co-noob Adrian Beltre has returned from the hamstring injury and has destroyed in September. (Player of the Month I guess!) Tampa may have a slight edge in starting pitching, but Texas has a TRE's head sized edge in the bullpen.  Especially with Ogando and Holland joining the pen for the playoffs.

Oops

DWG is right that the edge should go to pitching, but wrong in choosing Tampa for having the edge.  This series goes to the Rangers.  Ron Washington will do a head spin on that bald pate of his afterwards.  Verdict: Rangers in four.

 


NEW YORK YANKEES vs. DETROIT TIGERS

DWG:  Obviously nobody likes the Yankees, that's a universal law like water or dinosaurs, but the question is do the Tigers have enough to knock them off?  Both teams have a stone cold ace at the front of the rotation and a bunch of question marks to follow so game 1 is even more important than it usually is in a 5-game series.  Just like the Death Star, Justin Verlander has one weakness, and his is giving up home runs.  If that comes into play with the 230 foot right field fence in Yankee Stadium and a bunch of power-hitting lefties the Tigers could get shoved in a hole they can't climb out of, especially since Jim Leyland has already said he won't pitch Verlander on short rest in Game 4 even if Detroit is facing elimination (Sabathia is already slated for Game 4) which makes so little sense to me I'm convinced Leyland was replaced with Ron Gardenhire.  Easily the most difficult series to pick.   It's either Yankees in four or Tigers in five.  I say Detroit gets two wins from Verlander and squeaks one out somewhere else.  Tigers in five.

TRE:  I love Verlander and think he's the best pitcher in baseball.  All of the cool kids are saying that now, but if you ask Doctor Detroit, I've been saying this for awhile.  I get this feeling though that the Tigers believe too much.  Fans think Doug Fister is the new Bob Welch.  A lot rides on CC Sabathia.  Can that big SOB that was somehow robbed once on the street get the best of Verlander?  If he does, it's freaking over.  Doug Fistplay will curl up into the fetal postion.  The bad news for the Yankees is they're not playing the Twins.  Since 2002, they're 12-2 in ALDS games against the Twins and 5-12 against everyone else.  Last time I checked though, former Twin Delmon Young was batting in the 3-hole.  Even Ivan Nova and Freddy Garcia can get Delmon out.  The Tigers are ready for this.  They're going to join the Twins in the slop bucket of AL Central victims by leg sweep.  Verdict: The Jeterses in three.

NATIONAL LEAGUE


ST LOUIS CARDINALS vs. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

TRE:  The Cards snuck into the playoffs on the last day of the season. They were down 8.5 games from Atlanta on September first, but went 18-8 in the month and watched Atlanta piss the bed. The Phillies get an opponent that they struggled with in 2011; going 3-6 against them. It sounds like we'll see Roy Halladay against Kyle Lohse in game 1 and Cliff Lee against Edwin Jackson in game 2. So, that's basically 2-0 Phillies. Since this is a best of 5 series, the Cardinals are pretty much screwed at this point. I assume they'd throw Chris Carpenter in game 3 against Cole Hamels; perhaps on short rest. That might get them a win, but then they'd lose to Roy Oswalt in game 4 against Jaime Garcia. Matt Holliday has an injured hand/wrist and is unlikely to start the series, but Allen Craig has played well of late. In my opinion the Cardinals lineup just doesn't stack up with the Phillies. It's basically Pujols and The Big Puma and pray for HBP. The Phillies have a lineup that's solid from top to bottom and they even have some decent depth on their bench. I suppose that explains the franchise record 102 wins. Verdict: Phillies in four.


DWG:  Ok great, the Cards went 6-3 against the Phillies this year.  That's awesome and everything but I mean, come on.  Nobody really thinks the Cardinals can win, do they?  It's taking every ounce of restraint and personal responsibility I have to not put the largest wager of my lifetime down on the Phils to win this series at -300.  Then again, the last time I discounted a Cardinals team this badly they ended up winning the World Series after the Tigers pitchers took turns playing the smash hit game "Throw the ball into the dugout."  Still though, the Phil's worst pitcher (of four) is better than the best St. Louis can trot out there and outside of Pujols their second string offense might be better than the Cards' starters.  Phillies sweep.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS vs. ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

TRE:   This is an intriguing series and sadly will probably be the least watched due to market size. The Brewers have a solid lineup headed by my NL MVP choice Ryan Braun. Prince Fielder, Corey Hart and Rickie Weeks all bring a lot to the table as well. Casey McGehee took the year off, but I give him a break because he's bald and ugly like me.

The Brewers led the NL in homeruns and did it while posting a decent average, OBP and a relatively low strikeout total. They also brought in some pitching that doesn't blow goats. Shawn Marcum and Zack Grienke joined with Yovanni Gallardo to provide a solid top 3. Lefties Randy Wolf and Chris Narveson round out the rotation. They also have a solid bullpen with Saito and K-Rod joining Axford for the late innings.

Arizona also packs a pop with Justin Upton, Chris Young (the black one, not the tall dork from Princeton) and Miguel Montero being the core run producers. They also have a solid top 4 starters with Ian Kennedy, Daniel Hudson, Josh Collmenter and Joe Saunders. This is a five game series to me. Kennedy went 21-4 and will likely start the series against Gallardo. I really dislike that the Diamondbacks abbreviate themselves with "D-Backs". That's a little too close to d-bags. Verdict: Brewers in five.

DWG:  I agree that this will be an interesting series because these teams are pretty evenly matched.  Milwaukee has more star power with Braun, Fielder, Greinke, and Weeks and seem more glamorous, or at least as glamorous as annything from dirty, dirty Wisconsin can be, but Arizona is a surprisingly good, and complete, team.  Kennedy, Hudson, Collmenter, and Saunders might not sound like much, but they're one of the best starting groups in the NL.  I know, I didn't believe it either, but every single one of them has an ERA under 3.70 and a WHIP under 1.32.  Not really a true ace in the group, sorry Kennedy but I'm not buying it yet, but that really plays well for them.  They can reasonably expect to hold Milwaukee to 3 runs per game, so all they have to do is score 4 runs three times in five games.  They have one of the highest scoring offenses in baseball, so that shouldn't be a problem, and Justin Upton is the Patrick Jane of baseball.  D-Bags in five and TRE is an idiot and a traitor.

MLB Preview: National League

Since I just learned today that baseball starts up for real on Thursday, which seems ridiculously early but is apparently real, I better get going with my baseball previews.  I'll start with the National League today, and go onto the AL tomorrow.  If you want to know who you should target in your fantasy league, feel free to just go ahead and take a gander at the bottom of this post.  That's your championship team, folks.


Once again, you can consider these to be equivalent to clairvoyant looks into the future.  I almost never get anything wrong.



NL EAST

1.  Philadelphia Phillies.  Pretty obvious pick here, but it's always going to be obvious when your first four starters are four guys who would all be the ace on the majority of teams in the entire league.  Of course, these kind of super team things rarely work out, at least in the regular season, and a very old offense has tons of question marks.  Utley is out and nobody knows when he's coming back, Rollins was a nightmare last year, they just gave a fat, old player a monster contract, and perhaps their best all-around offensive player is now on the Nationals.  They'll still win, but they aren't going to dominate.

2.  Florida Marlins.  They've been a scrappy bunch the last several years, and I think this is the year they finally make the leap.  Their rotation of Josh Johnson, Javy Vazquez, Ricky Nolasco, Anibel Sanchez, and Chris Volstad would be the best in many divisions, assuming they stay healthy, and there's enough offense here to keep them in Wild Card contention.  Whatever you think of Hanley Ramirez's attitude issues the guy is an incredible player and gives Florida a huge advantage by having such an offensive powerhouse at such a traditional weak position.  Mike Stanton is an absolute future star.

3.  Atlanta Braves.  Should be a very solid team, and for no particular good reason just as I'm blindly believing in the Marlins' rotation, I'm expecting the Braves to fall apart.  Tim Hudson and Derek Lowe are older than dirt, Tommy Hanson is inconsistent and for Jair Jurrjens inconsistent would be a huge improvement.  And what's to be excited about with the offense other than Jason Heyward, Brian McCann, and Freddie Freeman?  They'll be in the Wild Card running, but I think Bobby Cox being gone is going to take longer to adjust to than you'd think.

4.  New York Mets.  The division between the 3rd team and 4th team in this division is absolutely immense, because the Mets are absolute garbage.  Let's put it this way:  R.A. Dickey will be prominently involved, and he might actually be the second best pitcher on the entire squad behind Mike Pelphrey - and that's not a compliment to Dickey, these guys are brutal.  There's still some minor jump up potential here based on a decent offense with David Wright, breakout candidate Ike Davis, and contract year guy Jose Reyes, plus Jason Bay and Carlos Beltran.  The offense should be ok, but that pitching staff is terrifying.

5.  Washington Nationals.  I wanted to rank them ahead of the Mets because the Mets are terrible, but I just couldn't after looking at what they're rolling out there.  Livan Hernandez is still here, and so is Jon Lannan, Jason Marquis, and they added Tom Gorzelanny as starter #5.  Sweet, that should make all the difference.  There's a decent young base here with closer Drew Storen, starter Jordan Zimmerman, 3B Ryan Zimmerman, SS Ian Desmond, and, of course, SP Stephen Strasburg and minor leaguer Bryce Harper (Brian Harper's son), but with The Stras out until late this year or next this won't be the year they put it all together.


NL CENTRAL

1.   Cincinnati Reds.  Love this team.  Absolutely and completely love them.  Young and talented pitching staff with multiple candidates to breakout (Mike Leake, Johnny Cueto, Travis Wood, Edinson Volquez), the hardest throwing man in all of MLB (Aroldis Chapman), and a young group of position players who are either already stars (Joey Votto), look to be right on the cusp (Jay Bruce, Brandon Phillips), or are still just in the "potential" phase (Drew Stubbs).  They aren't really the type of team who I'd consider a serious World Series contender unless multiple guys on that staff breakout this year, but they'll win this division.

2.  Milwaukee Brewers.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery some donk once wrote, and the Brewers are definitely going with the San Francisco Giants model and have assembled a very good rotation.  If Zack Greinke stops getting hurt playing basketball and doesn't end up on the floor in the fetal position every time someone asks him a question he should dominate the NL, and Shaun Marcum should be a poor man's version of the same after coming over from Toronto.  Add in Yovani Gallardo and a pretty good offense and they'll be a very good team, especially if Prince Fielder's contract year becomes PRINCE FIELDER'S CONTRACT YEAR.  And closer John Axford has the sweetest mustache in the league.

3.  St. Louis Cardinals.  Adam Wainwright is so good at throwing a baseball that his injury knocks St. Louis from division favorite to division also-ran.  Any team with Albert Pujols can't be completely counted out, but the rest of the lineup is either old guys on the downslope of their career or David Eckstein clones.  Honestly, I have no idea why a team with David Freese, Skip Schumaker, Ryan Theriot, and Tyler Greene would possibly be interested in signing Nick Punto since all five of these guys are basically clones of each other and they all suck.  Maybe LaRussa's gone all demented and is starting some sort of bizarre collection, and at the all-star break he's going to encase them all in wax and open some sort of Eckstein Wax Museum.  That's be pretty sweet, actually.

4.  Chicago Cubs.   This should be a pretty competitive division, because I can even see the Cubs jumping up and contending at the top if everything goes their way.  It won't, of course, because we're talking the Cubs here and there's an awful lot that would need to go right.  Carlos Zambrano's head has to be on right, Matt Garza has to be able to dominate more often being in the NL, Ryan Dempster has to be good, Carlos Pena needs to bounceback as does Alfonso Soriano as does Aramis Ramirez, and so on.  One thing is for sure, they have a future star at shortstop in Starlin Castro.  Or at least that's what I told myself when we ended up having to draft him as our fantasy shortstop.

5.  Pittsburgh Pirates. Is this the year the Pirates finally turn it around?  Well, if by turn it around you mean don't finish in last then I say yes, although that's more of a testament to the shittiness of the Astros than the improvement of the Pirates.  I mean, you can at least see that they're trying to turn it around:  Neil Walker, Pedro Alvarez, Andrew McCutchen, and Jose Tabata are a nice young core but after that it's very blah - and that's the upside.  Assembling young arms is a good strategy, but someone needs to tell these guys that it really only helps if at least some of them have some talent.

6.  Houston Astros.  Kind of the opposite of Pittsburgh in that the starting pitching is at least ok (Wandy, Bret Myers, JA Happ, and Bud Norris) but the lineup is just brutally brutal.  The middle infield pairing of Clint Barmes and Bill Hall should make you feel better knowing there's actually a worse combo than what the Twins are trotting out there, I've never even heard of their third baseman, and their first basemen is a rookie who was traded three different times before he managed a major league at-bat.  And they still have Carlos Lee, who continues to kill team morale by constantly pawing through teammates' lockers looking for snacks.


NL WEST

1.  San Francisco Giants.  It's hard to believe any team that was so reliant on it's starting staff can repeat, but in this case you have to pick the Giants because 1.  The NL West sucks, 2.  At least one of those pitchers (Madison Bumgarner) is still waiting to breakout, and 3.  there only losses off the roster of "significance" were Juan Uribe and Edgar Renteria.  They might have the worst hitting outfield in history, but they should still be good enough to win this crappy division, especially since they have a rich man's Joe Mauer in Buster Posey.

2.  Colorado Rockies.  I wanted to pick the Rockies to win the division but I just can't.  Troy Tulowitzki is a pimp and Carlos Gonzalez is awesome, but then it's crickets.  Todd Helton is old with the power of Drew Butera but is still starting somehow, Chris Iannetta and Ian Stewart are starting to look like they're "potential" and that's about it, Dexter Fowler is Carlos Gomez with a slightly better batting eye, and Seth Smith should be a pinch hitter.  They also have Ty Wigginton.  Yeah.  The pitching is alright and could probably clean an office building or hotel like nobody's business, but that lineup is just really, really icky.

3.  Los Angeles Dodgers.  These guys have been about as underachieving as the Mets the last few years, and it all starts with Captain Disappointment (that's also what Mrs. W calls me), Matt Kemp, who decided to go from future superstar do everything five tool player to Adam Dunn with less power.  Think about that one. And speaking of less power we can't forget first baseman James Loney, the only 1B in history with less power than Dough Mientkiewicz.  Clay Kershaw is probably a future Cy Young award winner, but behind him is a soft-tossing old man (although he's a lefty) and a Japanese guy who will probably throw his arm out by July.  And also Chad Billingsley, who sucks.  How you can have that much money and fuck up a team should be the next study done by Dateline.  I think we've got all the sex predators by now.

4.  Arizona Diamondbacks.  You could basically flip a coin between Arizona and San Diego right now because both of these teams are equally depressing and shitty.  I'm giving the nod slightly to Arizona because they at least have a few players who could have huge years:  Justin Upton (although I feel like we're saying this every year for the last several), Miguel Montero (not a huge year overall, but at least for a catcher), and Daniel Hudson (if his post-trade results were real).  They also have a middle infield with some pop in Stephen Drew and Kelly Johnson, even if they field as well as Roger Dorn.

5.  San Diego Padres.  The list of exciting players on this team is Mat Latos and Cameron Maybin.  That's the entire list unless you really like nondescript but effective closers who are going to be traded at some point or mediocre-to-poor starting pitchers who were featured in really awesome books.  All I know is a team with zero offense just got rid of the man responsible for about 106% of that offense.  Plus their middle infield combo is Jason Bartlett and Orlando Hudson.  Ouch.    


The last thing I want to mention here is what should/could be considered a national travesty.  Take a look at this picture and guess who this is:

 

No, it's not the female joker (and I don't mean Harley Quinn), no matter how much it may look like it.  It's actually Rose McGowan, formerly the super hot and busty star of Scream and Jawbreaker.  This is what she used to look like:

Why?  Why would you kill that?  Even setting aside her formerly awesome boobs which have suddenly disappeared, check out this side-by-side of her formerly beautiful face:

Good lord, why?  This is the kind of thing that convinces me that the devil actually exists.  I'm actually near tears right now.  I'm going to go cry myself to sleep and probably masturbate.

Weekend Review

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Darren McFadden. Oh boy, here we go. It was said that McFadden might be on the same talent tier level as Adrian Peterson was last year, but due to his situation he wouldn’t be able to have the same kind of season despite similar talent. After yesterday, that might not be true. McFadden went for 164 yards in just his second career game and is now averaging better than 6 ypc in his two games. Of course, the 164 was against Kansas City, who also let Michael Bush, who I think has two fake legs right now, go for over 90, so take it for what it’s worth.

2. Buffalo Bills. It’s looking like my pick of the Bills as a sleeper team last season was one year too early, as Buffalo went to 2-0 yesterday with a win over Jacksonville. That, along with their week 1 victory over Seattle has people taking notice. Marshawn Lynch is a grinder, Trent Edwards is what I thought JP Losman could be, and the defense is playing very well. In a wide open AFC, you could be looking at a playoff team.

3. Aaron Rodgers. I was really, really hoping Rodgers would suck so that Green Bay would implode upon itself and we wouldn’t have to deal with those queers every again, but no such luck as it turns out he’s pretty freaking good. He followed up his dismantling of the Vikings by torching the Lions – granted not that tough but it still counts. Pain Killer addiction imminent. And let’s just go ahead and stop with the A-Rodge stuff right now, ok?

4. Denver Wide Receivers. Holy geez it’s like Jerry Rice and John Taylor running around on Tecmo Super Bowl right now up in Denver. Last week, Eddie “Casino” Royal hauls in 9 catches for 146 yards and a score, and this week it’s Brandon "Brandon" Marshall registering 18 catches, WHICH IS NOT AN NFL RECORD, for 166 and a TD. It’s almost like Jake Cutler is a really good quarterback all of a sudden, but that can’t possibly be true because look at that porn stache. For reference, Minnesota wideouts have 10 catches for 148 yards in their two games combined.

5. Me. Played in our family’s golf tournament over the weekend, and not only did my team win but I also took the prize for longest drive, netting me a cool $15. Not only that, but after two weeks my NFL sleeper teams are a combined 6-3, while my teams who will suck are 4-5 (remember, these teams were supposed to be playoff type teams).

WHO SUCKED

1. The Ohio State University. This could actually just read Big Ten Football in general, which has become an absolute joke. Ohio State has been head and shoulders above the rest of the conference in recent years, and every time they have a chance to make a statement nationally they get whomped, culminating in Saturday’s 35-3 thumping by USC. Luckily dirty Wisconsin was able to win by 3 at Fresno State, or this would be a thoroughly embarrassing weekend for the conference as a whole. Michigan got worked by Notre Dame. Purdue lost at Oregon, which isn’t that bad but still a missed opportunity. Minnesota and Northwestern beat I-AA teams, and Illinois almost lost to a Sun Belt opponent. Other than Wisconsin, the most impressive win here is Iowa at home over Iowa State, who sucks. I think it may be time to take the Big Ten out of the BCS and let the Mountain West or the WAC or C-USA in or something. It’s only fair.

2. Ron Gardenhire. Yes, I know they swept, but let’s talk about that doubleheader and Gardy’s lineup decisions, ok? When you are in a pennant race with only 16 games remaining, you cannot afford to take one of your only two good hitters out of the lineup in any game, you just can’t, yet Mauer was out of the second game on Saturday. Why not just DH you ask? Well no shit, that’s the obvious choice that any sane manager would choose, but it seems it was critical to get Randy Ruiz in the lineup instead. I get that catchers need days off, I do, but not DHing him is a decision so dumb it truly defies explanation.

3. LaDainian Tomlinson. What the F is going on here? It seems that toe injury may just be a much bigger deal than originally thought, as LT did almost nothing this weekend. He left the game at one point, they looked at his foot, he tried to come back, and then he was done. With Darren “Sproilies” Sproles filling in admirably, who knows how many games LT might miss, even with two last second losses making San Diego fans antsy. Also San Diego means Whale’s Vagina.

4. Minnesota Vikings. What a crappy way to lose a game. The Colts were thoroughly dominated pretty much the entire game, but because the Vikes and T-Jax were unable to actually score a TD and had to settle for five Ryan Longwell field goals the Colts were able to take the game away. I have no idea why he passed as often as he did, with AP running right through the Colts with ease. Now at 0-2, and confidence in Jackson at an all-time low, the Vikes could be in real trouble. Feel free to trade for Jeff Garcia, if only to get his wife, Carmella Decesare, here. Google is your friend.

5. Milwaukee Brewers. Pretty much gave away the NL Central after losing 3 of 4 to the Phillies over the weekend to fall 6.5 behind the Cubs, watching their team batting average fall to .219 in the month of September. Chief among the chokers is the super overrated Ryan Braun, who leads the Brewers in pretty much offensive category, who is now hitless in his last 18 at bats as Milwaukee completes their shame spiral. The good news for them is they still lead the Wild Card Race by a game over the Phillies. The bad news is that the Phillies are hot, and Milwaukee sucks as I previously alluded to.