Six Very Important Things from Last Night - 5/17/2012

Maybe this will get me posting more often.  Be careful what you wish for.

1.  The Twins beat the Tigers today, which would be newsworthy all on its own, but even more shocking is that gives them two straight wins over the Tigers (just the second winning streak of the entire season) and since this was just a 2-game series that means the Twins just swept the preseason division favorite, even if they are two games under .500.  Even more shocking is they did it with Blackburn and P.J. Walters (who?) pitching the two games.  Blackburn sucked as expected and is now on the DL, but the Twins actually decided to hit for once with a couple of homers (Dozier & Plouffe) and six doubles, managing to score 11 runs which I have to assume is a season high, to pull out the win.  Then today Mr. Walters goes all no-hittery through the first four innings en route to a very nice game, picking up his second major league win and lowering his career ERA to a shade under seven.  Still, it's a two game win streak against a supposed good team.  Just 14 more to go to get to .500.  We can do this.

2.  It was a shitty day in daytime baseball if you were an ace-type pitcher or took the under on total runs scored today.  Mat Latos got knocked around by the Mets and only managed 5 innings, C.J. Wilson couldn't find the plate and walked six without getting out of the fourth, Matt Cain got knocked around pretty good by the Cards, while Adam Wainwright showed once again that he's all kinds of not back from his injury that made him miss all last season whatever it was.  Maybe this isn't really all that newsworthy but it matters to me because I took the god damn under on total runs which of course didn't cash because I'm on one of the all-time cold streaks, my friends.  It's enough to make me quit gambling if that wouldn't mean my life would be cold and empty.

3. The Pacers completely rolled the Heat 94-75, and you know me and I hate jumping to conclusions or throwing out opinions with little to back them up, but I think this is over, dudes.  Here's why.  First, that one game the Heat lost earlier they had a chance to tie and Lebron didn't take the shot (of course) and Wade didn't take the shot but Mario Chalmers took the shot.  And I like Chalmers and everything especially for when he pissed on John Calipari's dreams that one year, but come on.  Then tonight Lebron scores 22, which sounds like a slightly down game, but then you realize that only 7 of those came in the second half, Wade scored just five points on 2-13 shooting, and Chalmers was the team's leading scorer with 25.  Plus, here's stiff Roy Hibberts pt/rebs in the 3 games:  17/11, 8/11, 19/18.  Roy fucking Hibbert!  Does any of this sound like a team who has its shit together?  It's over.  I'm guessing sportsbooks will still have the Pacers only at like -150 or so to win the series or maybe even better - jump on it.

4.  The Colonial Athletic Conference is losing everybody now that Old Dominion has announced it is leaving for Conference USA.  First VCU bolted to join Butler in the A-10 and now ODU is taking off, and I'd be stunned if George Mason didn't join VCU in the next few days which means the three biggest basketball powers in the CAA are all leaving.  Apparently CAA is going to try to bring in Davidson and Charleston out of the SoCon and Boston out of the America East, but with ODU, VCU, and GMU (I'm assuming) all gone I'm not so sure leaving the SoCon would even be a step up for Davidson and Charleston (although it clearly would be for BU).  I assume at some point all this conference realignment will stop and it better stop soon because at the rate I drink alcohol my brain cells are getting very close to not being able to keep up with all this.

5.  Toronto's Brett Lawrie dropped his appeal of his four-game suspension for losing his mind on an umpire, and it's probably a good idea because look at this shit:


In response, I've prepared this video:


6.  Happy Birthday to Mrs. WWWWWWW.  I know you're lucky to have me, but what you probably don't realize is that I'm super lucky to have you.  Mostly because you're so hot.  Happy birthday, baby.  Way to always keep it classy:

Saturday Night Live

So I'm sitting here at my parents house with the Bear watching both the Gopher hockey match and the playoff baseball.  My kids are asleep and I'm over here because the Mrs. has a fever of 101 so I had to get the kids out of that Outbreak environment.  We just housed some awesome chili that I made using no recipe and just using what I could find around my parents' house - and it was brililant.  Drinking a couple Coronoas sans lime, and I figured, what the hey, might as well try to find the ole mojo and live blog this bitch, amiright?

-  Scores update - Texas up 3-2 and threatening to blow the game open, Gophers also up 3-2 and I don't know if they're threatening to blow that one out because my understanding of hockey comes from NHL 95.

-  Scherzer walks Napoli on a 3-2 count which sucks because I have Napoli to strikeout in this game.  Scherzer is a dick.

-  Look at this douchebag right here.

-  I'm told the Gopher hockey team looks like they're much better this year and the reason is because they brought back Mike Gentzell, because without him all the coaches were nancy boy feelings coaches who told the players "don't worry, it's ok buddy, get 'em next time" when they screwed up.  But this Gensall guy is more of the Bud Kilmer type who will kick your ass if you're reading Slaughterhouse Five instead of your playbook, even if it's an awesome book.  So anyway the Gophers should be a tougher team this year which I suppose should mean they'll be better and also I have no idea what their record is.  Oh, and for the record, I've heard our hockey guy, Black Snake, hates that Gentzell guy.

-  Some mongolian looking lefty just served up a nice meatball to whoever the Murphy is who plays for Texas and it's now looking like I might have to watch hockey the rest of the night.  At least the Gophers are on the power play right now.  That's the only part of hockey that makes any sense to me - pass it around and get a good shot.  The rest of hockey is just a confusing blur.  Can we get that glowing puck thinger back?

-  GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

-  Pretty sure it was the Gophers.

-  Confirmed.

-  You ever do that thing where you switch the first letter/sound of a guys first name and last name that PA now does even though me, Snacks, 2P, and Bear invented in when we were growing up?  What's your favorite:  Bitch Recker or Fuck Chinley?

-  Delmon boots a routine groundball in left, then, even though the boot means the play at home is now not a possibility, he throws it completely over the cut-off man so Kinsler can get to second and take the double-play chance away.  Looked so familiar.

-  It's now 9-2.  I think I'm going to have to watch hockey.  And the Wild is on, and there's a game on the NHL network and then there's a late game on the NHL network.  This is my own personal hell.

-  Nice 'stache Holland.  He must have lost a bet.  That has to be it, right?  Nobody would voluntarily grow something like that, right?

Oh, hello Derek Holland.  I think your mustache looks smashing.

-  Oh, hello Fox Sports North Girls Paige and Jenny.  'Sup?  I have a Protege with a spoiler if you want to see it some time.

-  You know, I have no real problem with the Rangers as long as they aren't killing their own fans, but can we cut the crap with this "loosey goosey fun loving bunch" shit?  That's the same thing everybody would be saying about the Red Sox, but they didn't make the playoffs so instead they fire the best manager and GM they've ever had.  Enough already.

-  Beer isn't working, just impacting on the surface, switching to vodka.  That was a weird mix of a Top Gun quote and a Star Wars quote, but by the time I realized I was mixing them up, like poor Porkins, it was too late to pull out.

-  MAVIS BEACON reference!!

-  Story from the Bear, "So I have this bike, and I don't know what brand it is or whatever but the model name is the Sorrento.  So I took a piece of tape and wrote Paul on it and put it in front of the model name."  I don't know what's worse, that he's 34 years old or that I can't stop laughing.

-  Gopher power play coming up.  The most beautiful thing in all of hockey besides Paige and Jenny or whatever there names were.

-  GGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

-  We've now found some shitty wrestling on the CW.  I cannot believe I used to watch this crap, even as a kid.  At least I had the decency to grow out of it.  If you are over 15 years old and you watch wrestling just go ahead and remove your own eyes with a bucket of acid.

-  Wrestling announcer guy just compared this wrestler guy to Deion Sanders.  Probably because he's black.  Yes we're still watching.  Missed a UMD goal in there somewhere but it's worth the tradeoff to me.

-  Ring of Honor camerawork is just terrible.  There's a lot of crazy shit happening outside the ring between the tag-team guys who aren't in the ring and we're missing all of it.  Looks like someone didn't get the script.

-  The team in the black pajamas beat the team in the purple booty shorts using the small package move after a kick in the junk - double entendres galore.

-  The ref is asking the winning team if they kicked the guy in the nards and they won't admit to it.  You know who would admit to it?  That kid from that commercial about basketball and sportsmanship who is all like, "It was out on me coach, it was the wrong call" and then goes to tell the ref he got it wrong.  There's no chance that ref wouldn't tell the kid to get the hell out of his face, right?

-  5-4 now Gophers, we missed another goal by the dirty Bulldogs.  ROH wrestling is officially bad luck.

-  Jesus Christ Delmon Young is the worst hitter in history.  So glad I bet on him to have more total bases than David/Daniel/Dale Murphy, who has two singles tonight.  I hate everything.

-  GOPHERS WIN!!!  GOPHERS WIN!!!!  Boner!!

-  The Wild might have just lost in OT.  TOO SOON TO TELL!  There were 8 people in the crease, the goal scored off a skate, and the goal was off it's posts.  If that counts as a goal I'm going to burn Canada to the ground - for inventing hockey, you see.  Actually I should probably do that anyway.  Plus their money looks weird.

-  Need Napoli to K here.  It's going to have to be looking because there is zero fucking way Brad Penny can put one past anybody.

-  Fucking hell.  I hate gambling.

- Text from Bogart:  "I ate a steak tonight that cost $129."  What a dick.  Outback is a special treat for me, and Black Snake usually eats squirrel or possum or whatever he can shoot out his backyard window.  And I think Dawger subsists on Ramen and veggie-burgers.

-  Just took Arizona State +18.5 so we have something to watch besides wrestling.  Will probably still watch wrestling.

-  Musberger just told us that some freshman for Oregon is nicknamed "The Black Mamba."  What the hell is that shit?  Kobe is the Black Mamba and everybody knows that.  You can't recycle the nickname of a guy who is still playing, especially when it's something unique like The Black Mamba instead of just initals like LT and LT.  Although I suppose this information is coming from the guy who actually said, "This is for all the Tostitos" while announcing the Fiesta Bowl, so I suppose it's exceedingly possible that he got his tip sheet for this game mixed up with one from the NBA Finals from a few years ago.  Likely, even.

-  I miss Leapin' Lenny Poffo.

-  World's Greatest QB Andrew Luck threw for 336 yds and 4 TDs today.  More importantly, did you know his nickname is The Black Mamba.

-  Nelson Cruz just hit another home run.  I'm impressed by his postseason, but not really impressed by that home run because he hit it off of Brad Penny, who once again did not strike Mike Napoli out, because he's freaking terrible.  I don't even think he could strike Austin Jackson out.  Also Buck and McCarver are the worst combo ever.  Of anything.

Yep, worse that this.  Which me, Snacks, The Egyptian, and assorted others drank one New Year's Eve 

when we ran out of booze.  Was a bad decision what the hell is going on with this spacing?

-  If Delmon can get a 2b here I can push my bet, anything more I can win it.  And the waste of talent hits a squibber in front of the mound.  I am terrible at everything.  Except cooking.

-  We've been flipping to Monday Night Raw (which doesn't make much sense tonight) for 20 minutes or so.  Still no wrestling.  The soap opera crap is a bit out of control, but apparently people watch this.  Sickos.  But I can tell you what, this guy in the ponytail isn't very happy.

-  Just found a live stream of the Hopkins/Dawson fight.  Also just threw down a cool $10 spot on Hopkins.  I'll bet on anything.

- Bernard Hopkins is 46 years old.  He also wears an executioner's hood into the ring.  I can't decide if these are good omens or bad.  Probably bad.  Also, on Raw, some weird dude in a nose guardy face mask thing like Willie Burton wore just ran in the ring and beat up some guy who was supposed to be fighting some fat black dude.  Then he put a paper bag on the dudes head after he beat him up.  This is the weirdest night ever.

-  ROUND 1 Summary:  Nobody did anything.  Dawson tried one rush but missed everything.  I score that round Hopkins 0, Dawson 0, not watching boxing 8 (and I love boxing).

-  ROUND 2 Summary:  What.  The.  Fuck.  So the match has been called a no-contest because Dawson kind of picked Hopkins up and then Hopkins either hurt his shoulder or pretended he hurt his shoulder and couldn't go on, so they called it.  Honest to god between this and the Mayweather fight I don't really know what to do with boxing.  I haven't watched in years, and now as I try to get back to it I get this garbage.  I give up.  Also on wrestling there were just two hot blonde broads fighting some asian chicks and then it cut to Keith Hernandez.  I told you this was the weirdest night ever.

I don't always watch wrestling, but when I do, I prefer broads.

-  Took Oregon -7.5 for the second half.  So if the Ducks win by between 12 and 17 we win double money.  Anything else and it's a minuscule loss.  Had to be done.

-  God Seth Meyers is awesome.

-  Argument:  I think Anna Faris is hotter than fire.  Bear thinks she's a "plain jane."  Discuss.

Oh.  Hi.

-  Oh for fuck's sake they ruled it a TKO for Dawson.  Boxing is so stupid and I lost more money.  I'm going to go throw myself off a bridge assuming someone can drive me to one.

-  Just flipped over to bull-riding.  You heard me.  The dudes riding the bulls are now wearing kevlar vests and goalie masks.  The last bastion of the true man is now dead.  The only real man left is Ron Swanson.

-  Just learned Bear is a big Jim Rome fan.  Seems like a good time to call it a night because I'm pretty sure I need to punch him in the nuts now.

-  Bear:  "I need some wrestling up in here."  So we switch to Raw or whatever, and we see some wrestler guy limping off into the locker room.  Wrestling and Boxing are completely interchangeable.  Sad.  Also the Miz is wrestling so this seems appropriate:

I taught the Miz about black people!

-  Bear requesting some popcorn chicken up in here.  And at the same time we discover the WWE is doing a battle royal.  I don't recognize any of these people, and there's some giant ginger dude who's wrecking shit, but I'm all in.

-And the big Ginger is elimnated!  This is the worst fucking thing I've ever watched and I've watched bull riding tonight.  Such a weird night.

-  Everyone was elminated within like 4 minutes.  Now it's just Miz and some dude.  And oh my god controversey!  The both went out at the same time oh my god kill me.

-  Middle on Oregon and Ariz state coming down to the wire.  very dramatic.  You're drunk.

-  Wide open ASU reciever for a tD. through his hands, right to a duck.  MIddled.  boom.  I can't type and neither can you and I just won money so eat it.