Ready, Set...Major.

Alright golf fans I am back and better than ever. Sorry for going MIA for a month or so there but I got real lazy with my extra curricular activities. So needless to say there is a lot to talk about, I will try to hit on a bunch of points and try to leave you less bored than when you clicked on the site in the first place. And go.

-The first thing that pops in my head is Michelle Wie making the Solhiem Cup Team, this is the dykes version of the Ryder Cup. This makes me more sad for the state of women's golf in America than it does to have a win-nothing-clown represent our country. Here is a novel idea, since you shit canned the racist that hated the Ha-mungs and Orientals why dont you team up the best of USA and Europe vs Asia this way at least this way we can stay away from all the total no name randoms no one cares about from Europe and just stick to the ones from Asia.

-Ok, so Cink dusted off a man that could have been his dad, way to go you shit eating fag. You should have thrown the playoff, no one wanted you to win other than that tranny wife of yours.

Side note, I cannot stand chicks who feel the need to style their kids hair like their own. Secondly, why do women cut their hair when they start having kids, it looks horrible STOP!

Watson played awesomely for four days, he hit a 8I too flush and a putt off the green too firm. 2 shots out of a championship cost him, once again Stew you didn't win it, Tom lost it. Cink still sucks in my mind but he is confident and will likely keep winning, unfortunately. I could see him taking down a masters sometime soon.

-Tiger won the last two weeks, yawn. He beat down a no talent field in MI to close down the Buick Open. I soon see MI closing as a state and being sold to Canada, that place is worthless, but its gold to those damn Canadians, they need a Stanley Cup contender. Good luck to anyone still living there.

Tiger then was given the victory last week when Harrington didn't pull off a flop shot from over the green at the 16th at Firestone. There was a big controversy over the rules official for the group putting the group on "the clock". This rarely happens at tour events, unheard of at major events. The WGC events are major events, top fields, big crowds and huge money. I have no clue why that official on the 16th tee, with 1 stroke separating the top two players decided to put the players on the clock. Harrington seemed noticeably more fidgety than his already frosted flakes eating self. In the end he said "rules are rules", Tiger chastised the officials. Then out came the talk about fines.

Listen you idiot fringe fans or casual fans, this isn't Tiger's first fine. Although the PGA tour does not make their fines public, it is widely known that Tiger is at the top of the fine list. I have two actual ins on the tour, an agent and a caddie. Both have told me that these fines are common place and the tour polices its players. Everyone quit acting like Tiger is getting jobbed, he swears and throws clubs constantly OF COURSE they are going to fine him. A lot.

-Now to the PGA. Hazeltine is a monster, 7680 yards and since i don't want to look up if its the longest course in Major history or even just in PGA championship history, I am just going to go with that. Longest ever. Couple that with 5 inches of rain last weekend and that makes for a very long golf course. Some would contend that it takes the short or average length hitters out of the tournament, well I call those people morons. There is actually just as much of a premium on accuracy as there is on distance this week. Because not only is the course long but there are hundreds of well placed bunkers and thousands of trees, big trees.

Side note, I hate people talking about shit they have no idea about. Casual golf fans are famous for this, if you have spare time head out to the tournament this weekend and take a listen. Or read insanely dumb remarks like the one by 'dawger', 330 yards up hill huh, did you walk that off homo or just guess it by the time your girthy ass got to the ball you were out of breath so that's about 250 to 350 yards and you just gave yourself the benefit of the doubt? This is rhetorical. Also Phil just showed up on Wednesday for the first time, he didn't play on Tuesday. You are an idiot.

Also, dads, quit filling your kids heads full of false information. They will not love you any less if you say you are not sure or don't know. They don't need you to be their hero, if you cant be truthful to them at this point they probably have already written you off as a role model and you should just wait for the day when they don't return your calls.

-I truly needed to get that off my chest, whoa i feel good. So here are the guys in my top 5: Cabrera, Mahan, Westwood, Allenby and Martin Kaymer. Dark horse is Stenson. Blackout horse is Phil.

-In the end there will be one winner and 155 losers, let me tell you one of the loser's name is Tiger. He has won in every last tournament that he has entered before each major this year. Currently he is 0/3 you can book 0/4. One, he is still hitting it erratically off the tee, too much so to get it around at this course. Two, three in a row is pretty tough even for Tiger. I think he is a little gassed. Lastly, the odds are in my favor. So there.

I have to run, you can nit pick the grammar or spelling, it doesn't affect me. I hope to be writing more often as the season comes to a close, maybe.

Pay attention to 16, very tough for only 400 yards and 12 a 518 yard par 4, got a hybrid?

NF

PS--10 years ago a 19 year old pushed Tiger at the PGA, we all thought that kid would be pushing Tiger year after year. Sergio, where have you gone?

PPS-For some reason i could not get paragraph spaces to stick on the published version. sorry.

No this Blog is not Dead.

No, we aren't dead. Some brain dead jackass asked me this weekend if this blog was going to die, and the answer is no. As I've mentioned in every post I've made this month, although admittedly there haven't been many, I'm swamped at work and with weekend things going on all month. I promise once we hit August things will pick back up. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if one of the other contributors on this site would like to toss up a post or two. I know Dawger is dying to talk Twins. Anyway, I do have a little bit of time tonight, so I'll make a couple quick comments.

- I should probably go ahead and start with the British Open, since the winner is my arch enemy, the uncalcuably gay Stew Cink. Make no mistake, he got lucky and it probably shouldn't count. Think about it. How hard is it to beat an old man? An old man who has already played 72 holes in four days in the freezing cold and wind and rain? Most guys Watson's age would have been out by hole 11. Hell, most guys Watson's age would have woken up the morning after the first round and been unable to get out of bed and have to use that clicker thing or whatever it is that the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady advertised. Seriously, what was it? A clicker of some kind? A phone? Wow, I can picture the lady but I don't remember the product. Is that good advertising or bad?

Anyway, I had originally planned to call Watson a choker, but now that I think more about it I'm guessing he was just a bit tuckered. Although there isn't much more disappointing than thinking you are watching the story of the year (at a minimum), but instead you get some bald-headed, gigantic sloth freak sneaking in the back door and stealing that 59-year-old leprechaun's gold. Crying shame.

And Ian Poulter should be ashamed of himself for that performance. From a solo 2nd last year to dead effing last this year. And he was even playing well going into this tournament. I have no clue what happened, but I'll never trust that dandy again.

- Speaking of advertising, Kmart's advert for lay-a-way is for a blow up shark. I mean, I like blow up sharks as much as the next guy, but are we really doing lay-a-way for them? I thought that was for poor people who can't afford a love seat, not average suburban white couple who need lawn water toys. I might have to look into this.

- In what has become a Twins' tradition, your favorite team needed help at a position and went out and signed the oldest, cheapest option available; this time giving a minor league contract to 39-year old second basemen Mark Grudzielanek.

I actually think is a pretty good idea. Minor league contract means no risk - probably the biggest reason they made the signing, but even last year Grudzy put up some decent numbers (.299/.345/.399) - not much for slugging the ball, but it's basically what Luis Castillo gave them that one year he was here all season (.296/.358/.370). And it wasn't a fluky season either - Grudzielanek has hit no worse than .294 in his last six seasons, and hasn't hit lower than .271 since his rookie year way back in 1995. No major risk here, especially when the Tolbert/Casilla/Punto trio is doing nothing but making outs at a prodigious rate. If he can still hit anywhere near his career average and isn't a total stiff in the field (major questions due to a late ankle injury last year that has had him sitting out almost a full calendar year), he's a major upgrade. Of course, since this is a Twins' signing, I'm going to fully assume that they essentially signed Steve Lombardozzi (the current, 48-year-old version).

- Since we're chatting about Twins' busts, how about a little Jesse Crain update (who I have pretty much completely forgotten about)? He's thrown twelve games down in Rochester so far, compiling 17 2/3 innings and a 2.55 ERA and 1.19 WHIP. Toss in a 22-8 K/BB ratio, and I'd say thus far the experiment with Mr. Seashell Necklace has been a success. Expect to see him up again soon, especially with the Twins' bullpen in full on implosion mode. I'm sure with the bullpen blowing leads and giving up monster home runs, Crainsy is feeling pretty left out.

- I'm trying to muster up the energy to give a crap about the most recent T-Wolves trade, but it's hard. I dig on how Kahn has come to town with a "Let's start this garbage over" mentality, because that was definitely what was needed. Madsen is little more than a crowd favorite, which means a white jackass who hustles and has no talent. He will be missed by drunken idiots with more money than sense only. Telfair and Craig "the Manatee" Smith, were able to put up ok numbers on a crappy team, but I'm pretty sure that was their upside. Telfair will be little more than a career backup, and Smith will eat himself out of the league as soon as he signs his first non-rookie contract (book it).

So by not losing anything, the Wolves automatically win this trade. Getting Q Richardson back isn't going to really add much to the team in terms of win, but it at least gives them a big-time shooter to replace Mike Miller. Plus, with $9+ million in salary coming off the books next off-season he adds a little bit of flexibility to any off-sesaon plans that little munchkin has cooking in his little brain.

Not a monster improvement, but a very good little trade. Although I will miss watching the Manatee cross mid-court on less than half his team's possessions.

- The Onion is almost always a guaranteed laugh, but this might be my favorite of all-time, "Derek Jeter makes easy play look easy."

- Another funny link: Ed O'Bannon is suing the NCAA for use of his image. I'm not even 100% sure what this means, but it makes total sense that O'Bannon would need money. The best thing he could do is shoot some sort of anti-early entry warning video. I know he didn't leave school early, but he's a great warning for guys who are great in college that they might not quite pan out as pros. Him, Shawn Respert, Adam Morrison, Randolph Childress, Pervis Ellison, Marcus Fizer, and George Lucas can get together and teach a class on dissapointing people.

- Lastly, you should know that Wonderbaby^TM is already the most advanced in her gymnastics class and might have to be moved up to the more advanced class. That's right, guess who is the only one in her class who can hang from a bar? Yep. Her teacher/coach/volunteer/weirdo loner cat-lady person already said, "She's really advanced. A real natural athlete." Hopefully this will translate to non-gay sports like basketball and softball baseball, but if she ends up in the Olympics, so be it. She'll be the Michael Phelps of gymnastics, but without the weed and overall douchiness.

I'll leave you with a picture of her showing off her skills:

Get Bent Detroit!

Well it’s Wednesday night and you know what that means, time for some golf. Oh you don’t care about golf, well start caring losers it’s the week of the final major and there is lots to talk about.

First off last week was great golf, if you didn’t watch any you missed out on a great field that didn’t disappoint at the WGC Bridgestone. Well actually it was just a star studded field, minus Tiger, going head to head with no one really taking full charge until Vijay finally wished in his last 4 footer for the win. My guy Perry played like a dog but I did tell you that Vijay could win if he made putts. As it turns out he could have routed the field if he would have made anything. The guy was missing short putts left and right but his extraordinarily good ball striking was good enough to make him the winner.

What is up with Phil? He managed to choke away another tournament with just a horrible putting performance on Sunday. Personally I believe he is just thinking too much. Ever since his last big choke job at the 2007 US Open he just doesn’t seem the same, he will tell you that it is not bothering him but he has sucked in big events ever since. He has a poor putter to blame for it; in 06’ he ended the year 5th on tour in putting, in 07’ he was 15th and this year he is 48th. For a guy known for his short game he has certainly become all too average. He is a great player don’t get me wrong and he has a great rack but his putting is what is keeping him from winning more. Tiger is gone and Phil should be taking the lead and instead he is playing like a gay. By the way if you didn’t know Vijay and Phil hate each other, maybe even more than Phil and Tiger hate each other, I just wish they would have just went toe to toe on Saturday it would have been epic

OK, so when you think of a great golf course, a course good enough to hold a major, you probably think it would be held in a great town well not this week. Detroit, the Motor City, formally Hockeytown USA and as I like to call it “Detoilet” is the city that will host not only the best touring pros in the world but the best PGA Professionals from around the country. God hates Detroit more than abortionists and queers, that town is the crappiest piece of garbage in the lower 48. They really have nothing going for them other than poverty, crime and pollution. But all things aside Oakland Hills CC, The Monster, is still a tremendous course that should create fits for the players over the course of four days. At 7400 yards and again playing to a par 70 this week the emphasis will again be on driving accuracy, greens in regulation and of course putting. The greens are very undulated (lots of slope) and I believe the key will be hitting approach shots to the right section of the green in order to have a putt that doesn’t break six different ways. You are going to see guys playing shots off the banks of the greens to try and get the ball close to the hole and putts breaking 30 feet. Not to overshadow the greens but this course also has some of the longest par 3’s, 9th is 257yrds 17th is 238yrds, which is just another reason the guy who wins will need to hit greens, in the right spots, and can manage his putter.

So as an homage to WWWWW let’s look at who the stats would say wins this week. The best player overall in driving accuracy + distance, greens in regulation and putting is Ryan Palmer. He ranks 18th in ball striking which ranks players by combining Total Driving (distance and accuracy) and Greens in Regulation (hit the green with a putt at birdie or better) couple that stat with being 56th in Putts per Round (3rd in Putts per Green in Reg) and there you have it your statistical pick to click. Now is he even in the field…ummmm…NO he is not…DAMN IT. This stat shit is hurting my brain; well let’s look at another stat. All Around, ranks the average of all stats kept by the PGA tour that should tell us the winner. Stew Cink is your all around best ranked player by the numbers, but as I have explained before Stew is a homo so he is out, not because of his sexuality but just because I don’t like him. Campbell, Scott, Kim and Mickelson round out the top 5. Well Phil might win but I think there is a greater chance that he looses it on the final day. Chad Campbell, get real. Adam Scott is a fun pick but Aussies don’t win Majors in America just ask Norman…too soon…Nah. So there he is again the young, brash, best American player under 30, Anthony Kim. He wants the win and he has the stats to back it up 35th in Total Driving, 48th in Greens in Reg, 42nd in Putting and more importantly 29th in Putting when hitting the green in regulation. So there it is your winner Anthony Kim, not just by the stats but I really think he will win and if he doesn’t…well…well…well I will be very disappointed.


Watch These Guys Too:
Lee Westwood-He played too well last week not to consider him.
Vijay- Why not.
Hunter Mahan-This is his last shot to secure a spot on the Ryder Cup team.
Poulter/Garcia-Garcia played great here 4 years ago in the Ryder Cup, he hits his irons as well as anyone and if he gives himself good chances and makes some putts he will be there. Poulter is a wild card, he has the confidence but can he execute in America?

Sleeper of the Week:
Davis Love- In 96’ he three putted the 17th green and that cost him the title, look for him to be a surprise on the leader board

There it is my preview of the final major on the PGA Tour. Picks have been crappy but hopefully the content makes up for it and I have to get lucky here soon, but if not I will be back next week to tell you why Kim hosed me and breakdown how the winner got it done, until then enjoy the golf.

NF

PS-Michelle Wie sucks and will always suck, she is the suckiest suck that ever sucked. I was never so happy than to see her grind out that 80 in the 2nd round last week and then explain that she played her best, new flash, if that's your best then stay home!

Bay Hill? More like GAY Hill.

Am I right? Come on people.

Anyway, here's Grandslam's half-hearted contribution this week:

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Well first off Nick Faldo, i will apologize for my great golfing mind pick of Joe D. Nice MC!

This weeks recap is gonna be short and sweet, because lets face it selection Sunday is this weekend and the majority of you could give a shit less about what i have to say about golf this weekend.

As for the PODS Stewart Cink pretty much had an ass explosion down his leg and Sean O'Hair took advantage of it and won!

And as for this weeks Arnold Palmer Invitational aka The Bay Hill, it will be possibly the best field that we have seen thus far this year. Invitational tournaments on the PGA Tour are basically like majors, you have to be someone to get invited to these things. That being said, guess who's in the field this week???? That's right the #1 player himself Tiger Woods. I will really go out on a limb for my pick this week and pick Tiger Woods. Lets face it the way this guy has dominated in the last 2 years, you would have to be a complete dumbass not to pick him. My honorable mention pick will be Geoff Ogilvy. Hopefully he found his game again last week at the PODS and will start to get on a hot streak, i really like this guy.

But again, the majority of you don't give a shit about what i say, and you especially won't this week with maybe the biggest week of college basketball all season. So enjoy the week and i will talk to you knuckleheads next week.

GO Oral Roberts!!!

- Grandslam

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