NBA Game 3. And Go.

I mostly covered everything that was interesting that happened this week in this post from Friday, so I won't rehash with a Week in Review post.  Instead I'll do sort of a running blog of the NBA game and mention anything from this weekend that pops into my head.  And you're going to sit there and like it.

-  First off I'm going to come right out and admit that today was an awful gambling night, one of the worst I can recall in recent memory.  If I haven't already told you this, my main gambling during baseball season is to spend time analyzing the player props and making the proper picks based on what my math says are the best plays.  So far this season (since a formula tweak in mid-May) the system has been +16.08 units, with only three losing days.  Then this weekend it went -1.31 units, -0.48 units, and today was -3.46 units, easily the worst gambling day of the baseball season.  Doesn't feel good.  With three straight losing days my confidence is shaken right now.  Stay tuned.

-  That being said, I could take today from a disaster to just a bad day by doing well on NBA props.  Here's what I'm going with:  Both teams combined under 14 made 3s, Chandler over 17.5 pts+rebs, Bosh over 8.5 rebs, Nowitzki over 7.5 made FTs, Terry over 1.5 made 3s, and Lebron over 1.5 made 3s.  It's gonna be a bad night either way, but if I can at least hit a majority of these I can mitigate it.  I really don't want to have to deposit again.  Sending a $500 Western Union moneygram to Manuel in the Philippines makes me feel icky.

-  I should also mention I'll just be doing the second half of the NBA game because I missed the first half.  Looking at the box score the Heat are up 5 at half and every single one of my bets is in absolutely terrible shape.  Good.  Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

-  I guess if I'm going to talk sports I need to start with the Twins since they just swept the royals in a four game series.  I suppose it's tempting to think they may have righted the ship, and with Cleveland getting swept in four by Texas and the second place team barely hovering around .500 that they have a shot, but lets look a little deeper.  The offense in this four-gamer was driven by Revere-Rivera-Tolbert in Game 1, Span-Young-Revere-Hughes-Butera in game 2, Revere-Casilla-Tolbert in Game 3, and Casilla-Repko-Hughes in Game 4.  Do we really think those guys are that good, or was this lightning in a bottle?  And is the pitching, which held the Royals to 6 runs in the four games, suddenly clicking or is KC just that bad?  I hate to say it, but I think this was more the demise of 2011 Kansas City more than the resurgence of the Twins.  Haters gonna hate.

-  I love this Maverick team.  Miami scored 8 straight to open the half and drove their lead to 15.  So the Mavs just said, "ok" and made smart plays, smart passes, and good shots while Miami acted like a bunch of idiots and suddenly the lead is just 7.  Also I hate the Miami Heat and Cameron Diaz.

- Hottest player in ball not named Michael Morse:  Jose Reyes of the Mets.  He's 2-3 with a double with 2 runs and a ribbie tonight, which is his 10th straight game with a hit and his 12th multi-hit game in his last 18.  I'm going to write that again - he's had more than one hit in 12 of his last 18 games.  Before this Royals' series I don't know if the Twins had 12 multi-hit games by a player all year.

-  Yeah here's the problem with my Lebron over 1.5 made three pointers bet.  I forgot that he can't shoot for shit.

-  I really like Tyson Chandler.  I mean, offensively he's a bit retarded, but he just blocked two shots and then saved a ball back to his team by diving out of bounds.  The guy is the perfect kind of building block guy for a team.  Excellent defender, excellent rebounder, doesn't need to score but can put it in the hoop if he's close enough, but doesn't give a crap for scoring.  Not exactly what you'd want out of the #2 pick in the draft but considering Dallas got him basically straight up for Eduardo Najera I'd call that a steal.  Also, Mavs now lead.

-  James for three!!!!  I mean oh crap.  I mean good. I'm so conflicted.

-  Terry for three!!!!! Good!  I mean good!!!

-  By the way, I also have a pretty good chunk of change on both Wade for MVP and Dirk for MVP.  If Lebron wins it I'm probably going to have to sell at least one car.

-  I know what you're thinking:  didn't this used to be a Gopher blog?  And yes, it still is, but I know I haven't done much on the basketball team but really you should just shut up because it's the off-season and also you're being kind of rude.  But, very quickly, here is a very short rundown of the 5 unsigned players for 2012 that Rivals says the Gophers have offered:

• SG Gary Harris (Fishers, Indiana - #6 SG, #26 overall) - Very good player with a lot of quality midwestern offers including Indiana, Michigan State, Purdue, and Louisville.  He's not coming here.
• C A.J. Hammons (Mouth of Wilson, VA - #11 C, #55 overall) - a strong season has teams like Ohio State, Kentucky, and Purdue looking at him.  None of those teams have offered yet, but if he doesn't sign with Minnesota fairly soon it may be too late.
• G Javontae Hawkins (Flint, MI - #18 SG, #92 overall) - he's from Flint but Izzo doesn't want him so that's kind of weird.  He lists Ohio State, Michigan, USC, and West Virginia as the leaders (all have offered) and the Gophers are lumped with about 15 other teams behind them.  Outlook:  not likely.
• SF Demarquise Johnson (Phoenix, AZ - #28 SF, #122 overall) - Tubby is after him very hard, but he sounds like he's looking to stay on the west coast.  This is the guy I really want - he's athletic and can score from in or out.  Like everything I'm hearing about him.
• PF Khaliq Spicer (Dearborn Heights, MI - unranked) - Gophers are competing with a couple of crappy MAC and crappy A-10 teams (like Dayton) for his services, so it's either a diamond-in-the-rough situation or a reminder that the Gophers suck.  Sounds like he's a pretty good athlete, but also pretty raw, who would be that sweet ass rebounder and shot-blocker whose scoring range is "dunk."  I love that kind of guy, as long as he's a complimentary part of the class, not the focal point.

So there you go.  Three guys they won't get, one good one they might, and one they have to beat out Central Michigan for.  Whew, I'm overwhelmed here.  I'm sweating.  Dynasty here we come.

-  Uglier jumper:  Shawn Marion or random WNBAer?  No, you're right that's not fair.  Shawn Marion or random women's high school player?

-  So how about that Blake Lively?

-  I love it when Miami is stupid and leaves Dirk open for three (it's now 70-70 with 10 minutes to go).  On this one Dirk set a pick for J.J. Barea and both Chalmers and Haslem fall all over themselves to chase Barea and Wade doesn't even take a step out of the corner to rotate off of Terry.  Dirk open.  Dirk make.  Game tied.  Except Bosh just dunked on an absolutely gorgeous pass from Lebron.  I really wish he wasn't such a doosh.  Such a great passer.  Fourth best passer ever at that height:  Magic, Bird, Penny.

-  You know what I really hate?  Restaurants that automatically put lemon in your water.  Is this the default now?  Is lemon in water so freaking popular with people that it's just assumed everybody loves it?  Because guess what?  I hate it.  New rule:  from now on every time there's a freaking lemon in my water without my being asked I'm going to pour the damn thing out on the floor.  Join me, won't you?  Like they say in all those commercials with sad music and sad animals and sad babies or whatever, "Together, we can make a difference."  END LEMON WATER NOW!!!!

-  Ha ha go to hell Lebron.

-  Lebron has now been called for both a travel and a double dribble in the last five minutes.  Also if bitching to the refs was an olympic event they'd just skip gold and give him a platinum.  He's like if the Yankees and Kobe Bryant had a kid.  What if this thing was Lakers/Heat?  I'm pretty sure I'd be going Heat because I like Wade but god, talk about Sophie's Choice of douchery.

-  The Mavs have missed about 7 threes in the last 1 minute.  I don't like how this is going.  Heat up 6 with 4 to play.

-  Who the hell is Joel Anthony and why are we pronouncing his name Jo-El?  Is that' Superman's dad?

-  So I watched the original Tron the other day for the first time in at least 20 years.  It was really, really stupid.  Yet we get a long-awaited sequel to that and I"m still sitting here waiting for Jurassic Park 4.  That's really fair.  Although the last rumor I heard for a fourth Jurassic Park was military trained raptors with weapons strapped to their backs (I'm not kidding, that was a legit serious script) so maybe we just hold steady at three, which was actually one too many.  Really?  Raptors, which have been held up as the smartest of all dinosaurs through the entire trilogy, are going to suddenly NOT eat Dr. Grant and that kid because they blow air through a raptor skull?  And do we really need to bring in a bigger badass than the T-Rex?  I think he was doing just fine, thanks.  Go to hell, movie.  Go to hell.  At least we got Pterodactyls. 

-  FACT:  Jason Kidd cannot guard Dwyane Wade.  Also FACT:  Dwyane Wade's mom can't spell for shit.

-  Ha ha Lebron you donkey ass face!!!

-  Jason Terry has now missed 3 three-pointers, anyone of which would win me a bet.  I don't care if I lose all my bets if Dallas wins, but if Miami wins and I get cleaned out I'm going to be VERY unhappy.

-  Well the Heat won and I went 1-5 on my game bets.  Really just a fabulous day.  I'm never posting again.

-  Since I'm quitting blogging this will be the last thing I ever write on here, but I do need give a little shout-out to Mrs. W, who ran an entire half-marathon today, while I'm still tired today from mowing half the lawn yesterday.  Way to go, baby, and I know you are disappointed in 2:28, but I think it's pretty damn amazing, and I love that even after that you can still give me a look like I'm an idiot when I want to take your picture.

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but Mama. W is all knocked up again and I'm pretty sure it's mine so I'm pretty interested in what's going on with this here kid, and we found out tonight that we're having a boy, which is awesome because we already have a girl named Wonderbaby^TM as you probably know.  Since we got that bit o' good news I figured I'd celebrate by having a couple of little screwdrivers and watching the Twins.  Join me, won't you, on this magical ride I call life? 

8:51 - No, the Twins haven't started but I'm watching the O's/Rays thanks to the free MLB package preview Directv is nice enough to give us, and I'm torn.  The Orioles are leading 5-3 in the 8th and I have the Orioles at +155 but I also have the Rays' closer on my fantasy team.  Some might look at this as a win/win, but I look at it as sucky and am trying to figure out how I can cash in on both.  I'm looking for the Rays to tie it up, Soriano to pitch 2 shutout innings, and then the O's win and somebody else gets the loss.  Win/win.

8:57 - So we had a nice girl's name that we agreed on, but we haven't been able to come to an agreement with a boy name at all.  Mrs. W wants Lucas, while I'm trying to convince her to go with a first name-middle name combo of either Optimus Prime or Matt Wieters.

9:02 - By the way that wasn't me who picked Furyk to win the Masters.  I think Dr. Acula hacked my account.

9:04 - I'll be watching the game, at least for now, via internet feed and it is behind real TV by anywhere from 30 seconds to a couple of minutes, so if you Tivo'd the game and play it back later to match up the times with this blog it won't work.  Sorry to spoil your Friday night plans.

9:05 - Gail Simmons has large boobs, but she's no Audrina.

Audrina and Vegas in the same picture?  Is this heaven?

9:11 - Good god this is a terrible internet feed.  It's like watching the game through a Viewmaster.

9:17 - Morneau strikes out with runners on second and third and only one out which means all he had to do was put the ball in play and the Twins go up 1-0.  And if I know one thing about facing Joel Piniero, it's that you need to score the runs when you can because a shut-down pitcher like him doesn't give you many opportunities to score.

9:19 - Text from Snacks "God Cuddyer is a fat piece of crap."  Sums it up.  Not much more to add.

9:20 - Oh, I forgot to mention that my soon to be son has a gigantic head.  Like, their computer program actually moved up Mrs. W's due date by a full week because the kid's head was so gigantic.  Apparently he's basically like a toothpick with an orange on top in there.  He's pretty much either Stewie or Justin Morneau.

9:22 - Slowey strikes out the leadoff batter, Aybar, on a pitch that I have no idea what it was because I only saw the windup and then the result, but that's a good sign.  I was worried about Slowey a bit because any time you miss as much time as he did I worry about rust a bit.

9:27 - So that would be back to back hits now by Fatbreau and Torii.  I take it back.

9:30 - I think he got out of it.  I can't tell because the feed froze.  Whoever is after Matsui either popped out to Hardy or Hardy couldn't get quite get back there and Span was being not Gomez and couldn't get up there and it fell.  And nevermind he caught it.  I'm going to try to find another feed because this is a nightmare.    And not like the new one with Kelly Leak, I mean more like Robert Englund.

9:33 - Thome again?  He better not be playing for Kubel again.

9:34 - Thome walks and here comes Kubel.  Sorry Delmon.  And it's about time for Kubel to get a god damn hit already.  It's not like he's Denard Span.

9:35 - God Kubel sucks.

9:44 - I was poking around for a different feed, which I didn't at all find, and now I come back and it's 1-0 Angels?  What happened?  God it's like Slowey just hates me.  And also we're still watching Viewmaster style.  Actually I think it's more like a flip book.

9:50 - Span grounds one back to the pitcher to officially move to 1-14 on the season.  What's the deal here?  Gomez gets traded, Span gets a fat contract, and suddenly he's like a big fat cat sitting on top of a swimming pool full of money?  God I miss Gomez.  At least he's a gamer.

9:57 - Slowey walks Torii Hunter.  Isn't that kind of like some kind of reverse unstoppable force meets immovable object kind of thing?

9:58 - Hideki Matsui's eyes are really doing nothing to dispel stereotypes.

10:06 - Ok I'm on to an actual television now.  We just stared the top of the fourth and it's 1-0 Angels.  I can't believe they haven't scored off of Piniero yet.  That guy always has a four+ run inning in him, you just have to crack the shell so it comes oozing out.

10:09 - Another 1-2-3 inning as the Twins go down meekly like a tentative high school kid.  This is getting embarrassing.  It's Joel Piniero for christ's sake.  I'd be really upset right now but I'm seeing Clash of the Titans tomorrow so really nothing can bring me down.  Also we're having a son.  That too.  That is also important.

10:17 - Slowey sets them down 1-2-3. I'm either going to have to get more entertaining or this game is going to have to get more interesting.  Hope for the game, I think.

10:20 - Thome with a double, leaving Kubel as the only Twin without a hit this year I assume without looking anything up, not counting that fake catcher guy.  And there you go, game-tying run-scoring single by Kubes, which is also worth 2 fantasy points.  Our team is so good.

10:22 - Hardy, with 2 homers already this year, is ordered to bunt.  Jesus christ Gardenhire, you have an actual offense this year.  I know you're used to having a bunch of Matt Tolbert's in the lineup and you have to scratch and claw for every run you can get, but not this year.  Just chill out, sit back, and let the Hardy boy mash like he wants

10:23 - Mama W just described Hardy as "cute."

10:26 - Holy F Brendan Harris just destroyed the ball, and the Twins are up 3-1.  Can we please, please, please start Harris at 3B more than once a week?  I know he never slides into first and isn't some minority scrappy guy but he's a much better hitter than Punto and doesn't exactly suck defensively.  Stop being retarded, Gardy.  You know you need more Harris in your life.

10:29 - Hudson reaches on error which is apparently his best shot at getting on base.  He's been bad at the plate and his defense has been less than impressive as well.  Since I believe you can easily make blanket judgments about the entire season after just four days, I'm going to go ahead and say this guy sucks.

10:46 - Massive computer problems kept me off of here for the past 17 minutes.  I saw some things in the game I was going to comment on but now meh and also I can't really remember.  Instead I will let you know that Matt Wieters (a rich man's Joe Mauer) did not hit a home run tonight, instead electing to go 2-4 with an RBI and a run scored.  I don't know why that's all he did, and you don't either, but who are we to question his plan?

10:49 - Kubel got out again.  How odd.

10:50 - I'm lame.  I'm too tired to keep going.  I've stayed up for all three games, and with early rise times I'm just plain tuckered, so it's either keep drinking or go to bed.  As much as I'd like to keep drinking, it turns out they frown upon employees who show up reeking of vodka, so it's probably in my best interests to pass.  Don't judge me, I'm old.  Plus I have little Optimus Prime on the way, so I need to save up my strength now.

Sorry Folks.

I know I haven't written in a while, and that will probably be the status for the rest of the week as I'm swamped at work, but I have been running around like a crazy person.

Last Thursday I brought Wonderbaby^TM to her first ever Twins game, and since I know you're curious, you'll be happy to know she loved it. She clapped when everyone else clapped, danced when the played loud music, and laughed and yelled when everyone was cheering. It was awesome. Smartest 14 month old ever. Need more proof? Whenever Snacks gets near her she bawls like Adam Morrison and desperately tries to get away. See, told you.

Then this past weekend was Grandma's marathon and we headed up there so Mrs. W could run the half (no, not me, are you crazy?). I'm very proud to say that despite the intense heat, a record amount of people dropping out needing medical attention, and a mild case of heat stroke, Mrs. W crossed the finish line and received her medal. I couldn't be more proud. The rest of the weekend was a good ole time, with the Optimators, Klingers, Dr. Aculas, and The Todd showing they still know how to have a good time (although The Todd did lose a refried bean eating contest to a girl). I also just want to say RIP Titus. And that's that.

Then was father's day activities on Sunday and softball last night (we won both games and I was awesome), so I've been a bit busy. This work week is a nightmare as well, so I won't be around much, but I I feel the need to drop a comment or two on the US Open.

I actually thought it was pretty boring. And not because Tiger effed up in round 1 and could never really get back into contention, I consider that a positive. Just because, once again, it seemed like nobody rose to the occasion to win. Glove won with a final round +3, and the other guy in the final group, Ricky Barnes, completely wet himself with a +6. Nobody behind them was able to make a run to the win, with nobody in the final top five shooting below par. I just don't like golf when nobody separates himself from the pack with an excellent Sunday (or Monday in this case).

There were only two real "moments" I can remember that fit the category. The first was Glover's huge birdie at 16 where he stuck his approach about five feet away, timed with a bogey from both Duval and Mickelson it jumped Glover from a tie at the top to a 2-stroke lead, which ended up being the final margin. The other was Mickelson's incredible Eagle on 13, when he hit his second shot on the par five to about four feet. Just an amazing shot, and after the putt he was suddenly tied for the lead at -4 and had all the momentum and looked like this was his to lose, exactly the kind of golf that is fun to watch.

As usual with Phil, however, when the U.S. Open is his to lose he couldn't get out of his own way, including two short missed par putts, one from about three feet and one from about six. This loss is certainly easier to take for Phil, as he has the family issues excuse conveniently at hand - I'm not saying it didn't play a part or that it isn't serious, just that if it wasn't there we would be hearing a lot more talk about Phil dropping an Open that looked to be his. That's five runner-up finishes without a win now. Like the guy who can't quite close the deal with the drunken strumpet at the bar night after night, it's got to be frustrating.

As for Glover, he has always been a pretty much middle-of-the-road golfer, and had never even made the cut at the Open so this is doubly huge for him. One thing I didn't know is that Glover is actually only 29 despite looking closer to forty. He's still a young golfer, so this could be the springboard that vaults him into a higher tier. I doubt it, but it's possible.

Lastly, and nobody seems to realize this, but Hunter Mahan is absolutely a US Open stud. Even though he isn't having a very good year, he still managed to tie for sixth and might have been higher if his absolutely perfect approach on 16 hadn't hit the flag pole which was apparently made of trampoline. That gives him three top-18s in three Open trips (we won't count 2003). Mark my words, Hunter will win this tournament in the next few years.

- NBA Draft on Thursday, and I heard on the radio that the Wolves new GM (David Kahn?) is the busiest GM in the league right now. Awesome. Other than Jefferson and Brewer (since they are coming off of injuries and you won't get fair value) should be in play to be traded. I hope they don't trade Love, and if they do it better be for more than him + #6 for #2, but if the right offer is there I'd be ok with it. With all those picks and expendable parts, it could be a fun night. Will there be a live blog? Strong maybe.

- One last thing before I return to being a slave for the man: Dolphin Stadium is being renamed Land Shark Stadium thanks to Jimmy Buffett. So awesome, and not because of that crappy beer. As you know if you read here often, I love sharks, so having the name Shark in a stadium is a victory for everyone. Plus, the Dolphins play there, and they are a shark's natural enemy. Expect a lot of dissention and unrest amongst that team this season.

Thursday Things (McLouth, Ostertag, Babies, Elaine Benes, Kobe, Idiots)

Just finished up a nice meal on the grill (steaks, corn-on-the-cob, baked beans), Wonderbaby^TM is in bed, and I'm kicking back with a couple of Red Stripes, ready to watch the NBA Finals (for as long as Mrs. W will let me get away with it) and toss up a few observations and what not.

- My all-star ballot:

AMERICAN
C Joe Mauer
1b Justin Morneau
2b Ian Kinsler
3b Evan Longoria
ss Jason Bartlett (this one stings a bit)
of Adam Jones
of Nelson Cruz
of Carl Crawford

NATIONAL
c Brian McCann
1b Albert Pujols
2b Chase Utley
3b Ryan Zimmerman
ss Miguel Tejada
of Raul Ibanez
of Justin Upton
of Carlos Beltran

And I don't have a single one of these guys on either of my fantasy teams. Yippee. God I suck.

- Since we're talking about baseball here, let's talk about this Nate McLouth trade and how little of it I really understand. In case you missed it, the perpetually financially strapped and non-competitive Pittsburgh Pirates traded their best player, third-year outfielder Nate McLouth, to the Braves for three prospects. Normally you'd just say this is a case of the have-nots trading to the haves and trying to reload. But this is gets curiouser and curiouser the more you look at it.

First off, McLouth is not an old all-star on his last legs. He's just 27, and is in just his third season. Last year he hit .276/.356/.497 (an OPS+ of 126, equivalent to Kubel so far this year) with 26 homers, 23 steals, and a league leading 46 doubles. He's putting up very similar numbers again this year, so he doesn't look like a one-year wonder.

Even more, he's not that expensive. McLouth is on the hook for the next 3 years at just $13 million after signing an extension with the Pirates in February. Basically the Pirates agreed to pay him that money in February, and then after he played exactly as expected, they traded him away just 3.5 months later. And he's only scheduled to make $2 million this year (then $4.5 and $6.5) so it's not like there was a lot of urgency to get that money off the books. Why now? Why not wait until the trade deadline when team's are ready to pay higher premiums for players? Or next year? It makes zero sense.

Lastly, the package the Pirates got back was subpar, and described by the Pirates GM himself as "Three players who could become above average players someday." Not exactly glowing praise. They got back outfielder Gorkys Hernandez and pitchers Charlie Morton and Jeff Locke. Hernandez is the "jewel" here the same way Bernard Berrian is the "jewel" of the Vikings' wideouts - more "meh" than anything else. He's a no power, speedy, excellent defender with zero batting eye (sounds familiar) who was ranked the #8 prospect in the Braves system, with Locke coming in at #10 and Morton unranked in the top 40, and in his fifteen starts with the Braves last year he put up numbers nearly identical to Liriano so far this season, but without the strikeouts and might very well be a classic AAAA player.

Essentially, the Pirates traded a young, talented, cheap player for a handful of mediocre two years before he would be a financial issue. Seriously, it looks like the Pirates could have the budget of the Yankees and still suck. Not even Bill Smith is this shitty.

- You know who isn't shitty? My guys Denard Span and Jason Kubel combined for three home runs and seven rbi today to help kick the crap out of Cleveland 11-3. Seriously, those two are the best players on the team by far. Canucks and Roid-heads are ineligible.

- You know what I love about Mrs. W? Every time we watch basketball together when she sees a big dumb white guy she always asks, "Oh, is that their Ostertag?" She knows almost nothing about basketball, but always remembers that. I laugh every time. (This time it was Gasol. I don't think he qualifies. Dumb enough and ugly enough, but slightly too skilled).

- Ha Ha! Kobe missed. Jackass.

- Twice!

- Jameer Nelson is back. There's a guy I never thought would become much of an NBA player, but once again my eye for talent is surpassed only by Bogart, he of the Troy Williamson worship. Downside to Nelson back is we'll get less Skip 2 My Lou.

- Speaking of Bogart, I just poured myself a Cranberry & Vodka (with Lime) in honor of Wonderbaby's future husband's birth. That's right, little Baby Bogart arrived yesterday in Chicago, weighing in at 8 lbs. and 6 oz, ready to start his journey towards eventually becoming my (rich) son-in-law. Since Wonder Woman once had a little thing with Superman, I have decided that Baby Bogart will henceforth also be known as, Superbaby^TM.

- Uh oh, looks like Lamar Odom decided to actually try tonight. Magic in trouble (even though they're winning).

- Ok, so there's a trailer for a romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. Normally romantic comedies are the suck, and Sandra Bullock is really annoying, but Ryan Reynolds is the freakin' man and makes anything good - including that other romantic comedy he was in with that chick from Wedding Crashers. So do I let Mama W drag me to it or not? Decisions, decisions.

- FYI - last night at 2am my Tivo recorded a movie called "Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy." I don't know when I'll get to it, but I'll get to it.

- Tobey McGuire is there!! Sweet!!! And he's sitting with Kevin Connolly!!! The star power is amazing!!! (NOTE: I have no idea who Kevin Connolly is)

- Hedo Turkoglu was the 16th overall pick the year he came out? I guess that's about right. Actually, now that I look it up, he was a top 10 player from that draft, along with Kenyon Martin, Jamaal Magloire, Michael Redd, Jamal Crawford, Mike Miller, Quentin Richardson, Joel Pryzbilla, Eduardo Najera, and Eddie House. Top ten picks Stromile Swift, Marcus Fizer, Darius Miles, and DerMarr Johnson sure worked out well.

- Did you know Kobe Bryant likes to have buttsecks with Pau Gasol? I'm not kidding. I've seen it.

- I've been watching a lot of "The New Adventures of Old Christine" lately. I think I'm falling in love with Elaine Benes (no relation to Andy. or Alan) all over again.


- NOTE: Courtney Lee, as much as I liked him at Western Kentucky, cannot guard Kobe Bryant, aka The Rapist^tm. By the way, I'd bet anything Bogart is a huge Kobe fan. Jesus, I really hope SuperBaby^TM doesn't get Bogart's eye for talent. I don't think WonderBaby^TM could handle that. I know I couldn't. If you take idiocy to a second generation, it's like idiocy².

- 18 point Laker lead. This shit got lame faster than Jumper. Dwight Howard is the Al Nolen of centers, and they have no chance at stopping Kobe. This finals is going to suck, and my least favorite player ever is going to win another ring, except this one without Shaq which will cause morons like the Sports Guy to say things like, "Kobe is now the third best shooting guard in the history of the NBA." God that guy sucks now. Sports Guy, I mean, not Kobe. Kobe is like the third best guard in NBA history.

- Remember Matt Wieters? The next Joe Mauer, but with power (so like Mauer now that he is on roids)? He's really made a big splash since being called up on May 29th. A stellar 7-21 with five strikeouts and one walk. I know, small sample size and actually his overall stat profile is fine, but I like to make snap judgements. It's easier. That's probably why most people think I'm racist and sexist, but I just think it saves time. And I'm usually right. If not, oh well, I'm sure the jury will acquit.

- Randy Johnson got his 300th win today, which has set off an obnoxious spurt of morons with columns like, "Last 300-game winner ever" and "The End of the 300-win club?" Relax, idiots. There will always be 300 game winners. You realize there are only 24 people who have won 300 games? And four have them have done it in years that end begin with the number 2. That's one-sixth. That's a disproportionate amount based on how long baseball has existed. So settle down, idiots.

Gophers/Northwestern Game Blog

Absolute must win here for the Gophers. They probably need to win three of the last four to feel good about their NCAA bid chances, and this is the easiest of the bunch. Easiest on paper of course, ignoring Northwestern's earlier ass-whooping of the Gophers. And don't forget they went into East Lansing and beat the Spartans, so they aren't just a home threat.

A couple of keys before we get started:

1. Gophers offense. Stagnant, lazy, perimeter oriented, and it needs to get healthy while going against it's absolute nemesis - the Northwestern 1-3-1. The one, and only, shred of good news on this front is that the Gophers showed they have the ability to go against a 1-3-1 in the opening minutes against Michigan, where they attacked and penetrated and got good shots. Of course, the bad news is that they quickly abandoned that strategy to swing the ball around the perimeter and take bad shots.

2. Gophers defense. Lazy and not smart lately. Giving up a lot of open shots, and Northwestern has the shooters to knock them down. They can't give up as many wide-open looks as they did against the Wolverines, or this one will be over quickly.

Anyway, on to the game:

- God damn overtime in the stupid Iowa/Michigan game, as if anybody cares about that. Meaning, of course, that we won't get to the Gopher game until, like, the 12 minute time out. Which, I suppose, makes it just like pretty much every other Gopher home game.

- Ooh, live look split screen style at the Gopher tip off with Iowa up by 10 and up less than a minute left. Hello NIT Wolverines, enjoy yourselves.

- We're here, 17:45 left and Northwestern up 3-0. I'm going to assume the Gophers let the Wildcats have a wide open three. It's just what they do.

- Wide open NU layup as Sampson and DJ get confused on a screen, followed by an Al Nolen airball from three. I kind of want to turn this off already.

- Northwestern is in a man-to-man. I repeat, Northwestern is in a man-to-man. This makes zero sense. You don't need to play mind games and try to mix things up when the other team can't handle your base defense. This would be like having the spread gun in Contra but deciding, you know what, I'm going to go with the Laser instead.

- Defense looking very tough and very aggressive, creating turnovers and transition opportunities. Plus Devron Bostick just scored. Things starting to look a little more positive.

- Joseph fouled on a three point attempt about a foot behind the three point line. Of course, whoever the dumb announcer is says, "that's well outside Devoe Joseph's range." the way he's been shooting lately, I'm pretty sure if he's inside the half court line, he's in range. Watch a game once in a while, ass. 2-3 for Joseph, 11-5 Gophers.

- Defense looking even better. Northwestern is, at this point, chucking up threes but they aren't open. Generally they are a foot or two behind the line, and there's a Gopher flying out in the shooter's face each time. I am encouraged.

- Hugh Jackman is hosting the Academy Awards? What the F?

- I've thought about it, and I'm now convinced that Travis Busch is the worst player in the country averaging more than 12 minutes a game. And I'm including those guys on NJIT and other joke schools.

- My wife has really bad strep throat, and tylenol isn't helping, so we dug out some old Percoset she had from after she gave birth to Wonderbaby^TM. She's now wandering around the house saying, "this feels really good" and "I really like this." I'm concerned. And yet, the Gophers interest me more. Seems like they are dominating the game, but their only up seven (with 7 minutes left). Bostick looking great though with seven points already and a lot of PT. Maybe he won't transfer after all. I'm still hoping he doesn't, at least.

- And HERE'S the 1-3-1. This will tell the tale of the game right here. And they never cross the three point line, settling for a Westbrook heave with 3 left on the shot clock. I am now worried. Also worried about Mrs. W, who is now yelling at her Mac & Cheese for having clumps in the sauce.

- Announcer guy: "I think Minnesota sometimes struggles when their guards overhandle the ball, and they don't feed the big guys." Ok, so maybe he does watch the games sometimes.

- Halftime, Gophers lead 36-18 and are looking very good doing it. A very aggressive, high-pressure defense is forcing Northwestern into bad shots, and despite a lack of turnovers, they are able to get out and run thanks to a lot of missed Wildcat shots. In the halfcourt offense, they have for the most part utilized both dribble penetration as well as finding the big man on the block in order to get inside, not to mention attacking the 1-3-1 from the high post well enough to get NU to abandon playing that defense (although Paul Carter is far superior to DJ in that high post position). The Gophers have been helped by some cold Northwestern shooting, as they had some wide open shots they've missed, but overall it's their defense, reminiscent of the Illinois game, that's forcing the Wildcats to look bad. Excellent half.

- Player of the Half = Devron Bostick, with 9 points and, aside from one blown defensive assignment, has looked great and basically kept Hoffarber on the bench. Interestingly, it's also his birthday today. Happy birthday Devron, please keep this shit up in the second half.

- Mrs. W is now accusing me of deleting all the playlists off her Ipod, despite the fact that I've never used it and have my own synced to a completely different computer.

- Hm, the halftime summary thing is trying to tell me that Lawrence Westbrook has 11 points to lead the team, but I'm having trouble buying that.

- Northwestern going with that hell of a 1-3-1 to start the half. Gophers need to keep attacking and not try to sit on their 18 point lead. Also I just ordered Baseball Prospectus Guide for 2009. And Ralph made 2 free throws to stretch the lead to 20. Life is good.

- A Northwestern 3, followed by a shot clock violation after Nolen passed up an open three with about 4-5 on the clock. I feel less good. Kind of like before was eating fire sauce on a Taco Bell taco and it feels so good, but now it's kind of like about a half hour after that, when it feels like that alien from that movie about an alien is trying to burst out.

- Another shot clock violation, but the Gophers still lead by 20 because Northwestern is so awful. I think Northwestern vs. Kerwin Fleming, Kevin Payton, Travis Busch, Zach Puchtel, and Steve Esselink would be a pretty damn good game.

- "Colton Iverson playing like Allen Iverson." Ugh. How do these guys get jobs? Still up 19.

- Busch with a breakaway due to playing suckhole aka Spehar style, goes up for a layup and is "flagrantly" fouled by Nash, who was almost my new hero when it looked for a moment like Busch was injured. I know it's not very classy to hope for an injury, but.....well.....I got nothin' here.

- Al Nolen's new nickname is, "I suck at basketball"

- I dislike most of the fans who dress up like idiots because it's stupid, but the dude in the Paul Carter jersey with the Flava Flav clock that says "Tubby Time" is money.

- Mrs. W now talking about our Vegas trip in May with Snacks and his wife, Optimator and his wife, and two randoms including some chick who made out with Grand Slam at Snacks' wedding. Nothing particularly funny about it this time, but it did get me fired up for Vegas.

- 62-37 with 5 minutes left after an excellent pass from Hoffarber to set up Paul Carter for a three point play. I'm going to go ahead and say that's pretty much an allegory for the season. Hoffarber has two sides to him: the one dimensional shooter who doesn't do much else, and the all-around good player who can put it on the floor and do some things. I don't remember where I was going with this but your mother's a whore.

- 67-40 with four minutes left. I'm calling this one. Excellent win for the Gophers, and if they can figure out a way to play like this all the time there's no doubt the NCAA tournament is in their future. Let's hope they keep this up for the next three. And I'll close with yet another picture of Wonderbaby^TM. This is her climbing her walker thing while I watch the Northwestern/Michigan game. It would be pretty easy for her to tip that over and hurt herself, but on the other hand it looks cute and in order to stop her I'd have to stand up, so, you know.


Hey! Shamala hit a three, good job. Announcer guy just called him a pretty good player, so I can only assume that dude will be fired by the end of tonight.

Gophers/Sparty Tivo Blog (RETITLED: Oof)

Currently sitting here at 7:38pm, watching Indiana get their first win and waiting for the Gopher game to start. Currently here with Mrs. W, Old Man W, and Grandma W, although two of three are shopping for baby clothes online. Going to fast forward to get to the game now, and we'll see how long this lasts. Rest assured, I will finish this game at some point tonight, no matter how late it is.

Also I'm drinking.

Vodka/Cranberry with Lime.

- Game on. 18:55 left, 3-0 Michigan State. I consider this an excellent sign since it wouldn't really have surprised me if they were down 10 already.

- This is going to be a long game. Especially if the Spartans keep getting o-boards like they just did.

- Shot clock violation. Let's go ahead and call this one. I think I'll watch the end of the Cuse game instead.

- Ok, I couldn't change the channel. You know what blows my mind? How come we don't hear more about the Japanese interment camps in WW2? That was a pretty dark period. I'm kidding, nobody cares. What really blows my mind is how I'm watching the Gophers play at Michigan State and believe they can win, although that belief is quickly waning; 8-0 Sparty.

- I just noticed Suton is playing, bummer. And the best Gopher in history got completely outmuscled for a Spartan offensive rebounding, leading to another Summers three pointer. Let's seriously go ahead and call this one. I can't believe I thought they were vulnerable, when really they were just pissed off. 13-1, and it's not nearly that close.

- Carter in, and takes it aggressively to the hole, something nobody was doing then draws a charge and seems really, really fired up. Maybe he's what they need today.

- Carter O-board after a DJ missed three - won't someone please tell him not to take that shot? And then a big steal. Wow for Carter. I award him five out of five stars thus far.

- I'm now live, and doing my own Live Blog whilst chatting with From the Barn on his live blog. Man this shit is bananas.

- Mrs. W and Grandma are doing some weirdo geography quiz, and somehow Tunisia came up and Mrs. W said, "That's where they filmed Star Wars." I love her more right now then pretty much ever. Meanwhile Michigan State continues to basically completely outplay the Gophers in everyway. I have no idea how the Gophers are only down 11.

- This is like watching the Gopher vs. Illinois game, only if it was opposite day. Meanwhile Old Man W is constantly complaining about the refs, as only old people can truly do. It's like a work of art at this point.

- Awful.

- Really? I mean, Really?

- I feel sick.

- Tubby Smith = worst coach ever? This is a complete embarrassment. So let me get this straight, the Gophers have it out of bounds under their basket, and turn it over, leading to the Spartans having it out of bounds under their basket, and they get a layup? Wow, if you could sum up this entire game (season?) in one sequence, that's it.

- Grandma W. doing a geography quiz online, "Where's Texas?"

- This sucks. It's not very fun doing this right now. Everything that could go wrong, is going wrong. Combine that with shitty play and a shitty gameplan, and I am having trouble coming up with reasons to keep watching. Jesus Christ, it's 42-16 at half. Kill me. Did Monson ever lose by this much?

- I'm not watching anymore. This is horrible.