Gophers vs. Clemson Live Blog

Since this is basically the only interesting home non-conference opponent the Gophers are going to face this year and since I cannot be in attendance I might as well live blog the game.

Before that though, I went to the Gopher football game this weekend and actually tailgated for the first time.  I know what you're thinking and yes there's probably something wrong with me, but it was my first time and it was a blast.  I got to hook up with a couple of old college buddies who were in town from Wisconsin (including WSCTQB who used to comment on this blog back when it didn't suck so much), fun internet dudes Disco Stu and Stryker, and a big chunk of the Gopher Blogger/Twitterverse including @TreTanic (and his brother who I don't believe is on twitter anywhere), @MVoDT, @jdmill, and @Swannosaurus.  I know I met other people but it's hard to remember because we did thinks like drink bourbon at 9:30am, destroy all of the beers, take an Uber from one parking lot to another, do back to back shots of fireball or fireball equivalent, and eat nothing but grilled sausages.  It ruled.  We also played a bunch of cornhole and MVoDT and I were the best team in history.  I wish I could say I remembered more of the game, but I don't and then I died the next morning.  Was a blast.

So anyone, on to the next crappy Gopher team.  They opened as a pick 'em against Clemson tonight and have been bet all the way to -2 at some places.  Which means someone is confident in the Gophers.  I myself am not.  Away we go.

Oh wait hold on.  We had our Big Ten Basketball Fantasy Draft last night.  Just a few notes:

• Keepers: Nate Mason, Caris Levert, Denzel Valentine, Robert Blackmon, Shep Garner, Jake Layman, Melo Trimble, Keita Bates-Diop.
• First round: Yogi Ferrell, Nigel Hayes, Malcolm Hill, Jarrod Uthoff, Isaac Hayes, Mike Thorne, Troy Williams, Shavon Shields.
• My team: Levert, Hayes, Derrick Walton, Brandon Taylor, Jae'Sean Tate, Adam Woodbury, and Carlos Morris.
• Gophers taken: Mason, Morris, Joey King
• I would also list which teams had the most and fewest players taken, but the website is being a dick and this is already boring.

And now away we go.

-  And the game won't load on the stupid WatchESPN app.  I swear to god someone will burn for this.

18:38 - It's 3-2 Clemson and I finally got it to load.  I'm shocked the Gophers alllowed a 3.  Shocked.

17:42 - Joey King posts up from about 16 out, then kicks a nice pass out of a double to Dupree McBrayer who first misses and easy rotation pass that would have resulted in an open 3, following that up by forcing up a terrible three pointer of his own.  Then Clemson hits a 3 in transition.  I can already sum this season up in once sequence.

17:14 - My son just snuck down to watch some of the game with me.  I want to forbid him from being a Gopher fan so, so bad.  Just as my Dad should have done for me.

15;50 - Buggs knocks down a 3 to make it 11-10 Clemson.  I still have no idea what to make of Buggs.

15:21 - Clemson has done two things so far this game - offensive rebounds and make 3s.  Stop me if you've heard this one before.

14:48 - Morris with a dumb floater that gets blocked, nobody fills to get back, layup Clemson.  This may be the year I actually quit this dumb blog.

13:40 - No defense on either side, so at least it's fun.  18-14 Clemson.

12:58 - Mason drives and doesn't score, nobody fills and gets back, easy lay-up Clemson.

12:21 - McBrayer looks pretty smooth.  Freshman-y, but smooth.  TO THE FUTURE!

12:06 - Murphy gets completely lost and it's another Clemson lay-up.  This is fairly unreal.

11:08 - Murphy's spin move from post to baseline, however, has gotten him multiple easy buckets this year including just now.  There's some potential from some of these guys, no doubt.

9:30 - Murphy now hits a free throw line jumper.  He's got an awfully good all around offensive game for a freshman.  I expect "lots of potential but lots of young mistakes" to be this year's theme.  Which I guess could be worse.

8:09 - And Murphy tip-dunk.  This is just a Jordan Murphy live blog, apparently.

7:16 - Carlos Morris takes the pass in the left corner with a small window if he wants to shoot, jab steps instead and creates a little bit of room if he wants to drive, instead pulls back and shoots a contested 3-pointer which doesn't even come close to going in.  This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

6:16 - Nice little double screen off the indbounds leads to a Mason jumper.  Pitino still excels at drawing up offensive plays, either half court or off the inbounds.  He sucks at a few things, but hopefully he'll learn, and he was more imaginative offensively than any other Gopher coach I can remember.  Also Clemson hit a three while I was typing that.

4:30 - Buggs airballs a 3 by about 3 feet.  Sure.  Why not.

3:22 - Clemson just made a pass from wing to wing you should never be able to make against an aggressive zone.  Led to a stupid 3, that went in of course, but just making that pass shouldn't happen.

2:50 - Joey King hits another open three and he's developed a pretty quick trigger.  He still can't create his own offense and I don't see Big Ten coaches being unable to take him completely away, but he's at least reached a point where they'll have to scheme for him.  Which I wouldn't have believed even a year ago.

0:30 - Clemson three.  I almost can't wait to look at their kenpom numbers tomorrow.  Hard to believe any other team in the country is getting killed by 3s like this.   42-36 half.  I'm going to go watch whatever dumb show my wife is watching.  I might be late for the second half.  OH NO.

19:10 - Mason is so solid shooting.  He's going to be really good.

17:24 - As I say that Mason gets caught standing around on defense.  Some of the mistakes this team makes.........

16:25 - Morris goes one on 3 and somehow manages to kick it to Buggs who takes a dumb contested 3-pointer.  Which hits front of rim, bounces up, and goes in.  We'll take it, but that is not good basketball.

15:05 - Man Murphy just owns the baseline.  Of course, then nobody gets back and it's yet another Clemson three.  51-50 Clemson.

14:04 - Another Clemson three on a drive and kick.  Can't fault the Gophers too much on that one, but man it's just such a common pattern.

13:30 - Announcer guy, "King in the post.  That's not really his offensive strength."  No shit.

12:19 - Buggs hits just a stupid, stupid three pointer.  Good for him I guess.

12:17 - I think I will have some sriracha beef jerky.

11:47 - Clemson sagging way off Dorsey already.  I was hoping that wouldn't happen.

11:25 -  Buggs fouled as he wildly drives the lane.  He's much better at that then when he wildly chucks up contested threes.

11:00 - Dorsey steal and is blocked on the lay up, goes to McBrayer who wildly throws it in the direction of the rim, and then Murphy (who else) with the three point play to put the Gophers up 58-56.  Huge coming out party against the Gophers toughest opponent to date.  I still think McBrayer is going to be my guy from this team (behind Mason, who is everyone's guy) but Murphy showing some real chops.

9:11 - Lotta ugly and fast basketball here.  Basically sums up the Pitino era so far.  And I'm a fan!!

8:30 - I think that's Jabal Abu-Shamala behind the bench.  Also the defense doesn't get back again.

8:22 - So I mention Shamala on twitter and my feed just blows up.  You know who else people mentioned?  Ryan Saunders and Blake Hoffarber.  So many racists on twitter.

5:31 - of course that goes in

5:12 - OH SHIT McBrayer is from NYC?  How the hell did I miss this?  I LOVE NYC point guards.  Told you he was my guy.

4:46 - Clemson misses a free throw.  Somehow the rebound goes out of bounds off the Gophers.  I need to drink more.

4:01 - Beautiful hesitation move into a lay-up by Dorsey.  I take it all back.  71-65 Gophers.

3:31 - King just gets manhandled by Clemson big guy for deep position and easy lay-up.  Probably shouldn't judge King on that since he shouldn't have to be in that position.  Going to anyway.

2:40 - Murphy goes baseline again.  Having an amazing game right now, 22 points and 8 rebounds on a team high 15 shots.  Love it.

1:10 - Murphy tip in to pretty much end the game (80-73) and he came from the complete opposite block to get around the defense and get to that ball.  What a game by this kid. Wow.

0:40 - Gophers up 85-78 and Pitino just called a timeout.  Which means I'm bored now and it's time to go watch crappy tv with the wife.  Jordan Murphy is amazing, and I see a ton of potential from Konate, Mason, Dorsey, and McBrayer.  With some size transferring in I am currently way to optimistic about next year.  Someone come hit me with something.

2014 NBA Draft Live Blog

Hurray!  Live Blog!  This draft could get absolutely crazy, or at least I hope so.  Seems like most drafts that are supposed to be nuts end up being snoozers, but there's so much potential for the crazy here I can't believe nothing interesting will happen.

As with just about anything, you can bet on a ton of draft related stuff.  Because you can bet on it, I did.  Here's what I have tonight:

Joel Embiid draft position over 5 (small)
Tyler Ennis draft position over 18.5 (small)
Marcus Smart draft position over 5.5 (normal bet)
Shabazz Napier draft position under 25.5 (normal)
Total seniors taken in first round over 2.5 (extra super big bet)

I also have a combination of bets where I win a normal amount if Parker goes first but don't lose anything if Wiggins go first.  It's from a combination of an early bet at great odds that suddenly looked like a bad bet but an opportunity to hedge out of a lot of it presented itself.  It's complicated and you're definitely not smart enough to understand.

Anyway, hopefully something happens with Love tonight or soon at least.  I think if they can get Golden State to include Harrison Barnes that's a pretty good trade.  Remember Barnes averaged 16 points and 6 rebounds per game in 12 postseason games in 2012-2013.  Then the Warriors traded for Andre Iguodala and his development was completely blocked.  If you can get Klay Thompson, Harrison Barnes, and David Lee you're acquiring three starters, two of whom could have significant upside and at a minimum you're getting a second tier star in Thompson, a solid starter in Lee, and at least a rotation guy in Barnes (though I think he'll be better than this).  I dunno, I take it for sure, especially if you can shed either Kevin Martin or Chase Budinger's contract while you're at it.

Anyway, on to the draft.

-  We got a new cat today.  Murray.  3 years old and Orange and super mellow.  Daughter (age 6) cried tears of joy when we brought him home.  Took him less than three hours to get stuck in the crawl space in the basement and, despite being I assured that I would have to do zero work if we got a cat, guess who got to spend 40 minutes getting him out and then figuring out how to block it off so he couldn't get out.  Yep.

-  Does anyone ever pick in this draft?

-  Cavs go with Andrew Wiggins.  Kind of a mild surprise since Cleveland is Cleveland and I could see them doing something insane like picking Dante Exum.

-  How fast does Milwaukee get this pick in?  It should take about 4 seconds.  Like you.

-  Indeed it's Jabari.  What are the odds going to be on him winning ROY?  He's got to be an overwhelming favorite as the most NBA ready talent and going somewhere he'll immediately become the #1 option.  He will be the top option there, right?  I'll admit, I have trouble coming up with Bucks.  I think they have Larry Sanders and maybe Brandon Jennings.   Or is he on the Pistons now?  Wow.  This is embarrassing.  Jon Leuer maybe?  Probably some foreign guys.  So yeah, ROY.  For a lot of monies.

-  Third pick here for Philly is the most interesting one.  Go with Embiid and take that risk or take a safer player (or somewhere in between like Exum)?  I'd go with Embiid as the Sixers since they aren't going to be anywhere near contending for at least another couple years, why not swing for the fences?

-  Boom.  It is Embiid.  No doubt about, most talented guy in the draft.  A seven footer with the athleticism of a swingman who keeps developing more offensive abilities, including a mid-range jumper mid-season.  Unreal.  IF he stays healthy, and yes that's clearly become a monster IF, he's going to be a monster.

-  Magic go with Aaron Gordon at #4.  Gross, and what horrid night for Orlando.  First they trade Aaron Afflalo for some crappy guard with a frenchy name and almost the last pick of the draft, now they take a guy with absolutely no real basketball skills when there were two much better forwards (Vonleh and Randle) available. Gross.

-  Utah travels back in time to when high school kids were drafted in the lottery despite having no real game tape against proper competition and takes Dante Exum.  Look, maybe he'll work out - KG, Kobe, and Lebron certainly did, but thanks to Jon Bender, Kwame Brown, and Kovortney Barber I wouldn't touch him with so many semi-proven good players still on the board.  And this means the Lakers will get either Vonleh or Randle.  Stupid Lakers.

-  Exum's accent makes him sound like a dandy.

-  Celtics go with Marcus Smart, and this has to mean they're trading Rondo, right?  They're practically the same player with the ball, in that their strength is their strength when it comes to getting to the rim to either score, get fouled, or dish.  Both are good rebounders for guards, both are excellent defenders, and neither can shoot outside.  I had heard earlier that Rondo might be on the move to Sacramento for #8, and now that sounds more likely to me than it did earlier today.

-  Vonleh or Randle is one hell of a tough decision.  It's like choosing between Knob Creek and Woodford Reserve.  I LOVE YOU BOTH.

-  I think how they can't stop talking about how Smart is so competitive.  Sure, but he's kind of an asshole too and he still can't shoot.

-  Randle is the choice.  `If Sacramento goes Vonleh and that trade with the Celtics is real a Smart/Vonleh draft is a great one for Boston.  Oh, and the cat's in the ceiling somehow.  Time to visit my good friend liquor.

-  Whoa, Nik Stauskas.  Wasn't expecting this.  Would Boston want to reload with Smart/Stauskas?  Would the Kings really want Stauskas when they took Ben McLemore last year?  Well nothing really fun has happened yet, but there are enough questions about this first round that there's got to be some wheels turning.

- Hornets, who have been basically been linked to Doug McDermott by everyone, do the smart thing with Vonleh having slipped and take him.  He's going to be a star.

-  Interviewer guy to Vonleh, "How important was Tom Crean in your development."  Give Vonleh and incredible amount of credit for not just plain bursting out laughing.

-  Philly goes Elfrid Payton at #10, which is a horrible pick and also doesn't make a whole lot of sense because he's a point guard and the Sixers have rookie of the year Michael Carter-Williams and neither one of them can shoot.  Both are good defenders, but neither has a whole lot of strength and they could both just get brutalized by stronger 2s.  I feel like this is another trade waiting to be announced.  And never, ever trust a player who shoots up draft boards late for no real reason.  It never works.  Probably.

-  Here comes Denver, a pick that has been rumored to be heading to the Wolves along with Wilson Chandler and Kenneth Faried for Kevin Love and if that happened I would kill myself.

-  Nugs take McDermott.  Now I'll double kill myself if that trade happens.  1 senior off the board.  I need three to go.  That's seriously a really big bet.

-  There you go, McDermott traded to Chicago for #16 and #19.  Let the trade waters flow.

-  The Magic take Dario Saric from Croatia to go with trading Afflalo for nothing and Aaron Gordon.  Oof.  This is like watching Dawger at a fantasy football draft.

-  I suppose that means the Wolves are up.  I have very little interest in anyone here.  Gary Harris is probably the most ready.  Adreian Payne is interesting.  Zach LaVine is Bilas's best available and even though I think he has bust written all over him I suppose at this point he also has the most upside of anyone available.  I dunno.  I am strangely ambivalent, but that's probably because I know the Love trade is coming up at some point and that's way more interesting.

-  Zach LaVine it is.  Any time you can get a point guard who was a backup at UCLA and averaged more rebounds than assists you have to do it.

-  Sixers and Magic trade Saric for Payton.  One time I gave this bum a bag of trash and he gave me back his bag of trash.

-  Suns go with T.J. Warren.  This either going to be an absolute steal or a huge bust.  Warren is a monster scorer, but he doesn't really look the part.  He has a goofy looking jumper and he scores a ton of his points on weird shots that go in because he can just do it no matter how off balance or out of rhythm.  He should actually do quite well in Phoenix.

-  Atlanta takes Adreian Payne (senior #2), which means we get to hear that whole story about him and that little girl again.  Yes, it's a great story, but does it make me a bad person if I'm bored hearing about it?  Actually I don't care.

-  The Magic should have their two picks, Aaron Gordon and Elfried Payton play horse.  Could last until infinity.

-  Denver takes some foreigner from Bosnia whose name I don't feel like typing, Celtics go with James Young (who I like a lot, mostly because he's a lefty, he got a lot better last season when he decided to be more than a jump shooter), and the Suns take Tyler Ennis to go with T.J. Warren.  Tyler Ennis goes #18.  I had the over 18.5.  Dammit.

-  Vance Worley with 7 innings of 1 run ball tonight, running his ERA to 1.74 in 3 starts with the Pirates.  It's like the Twins coaches somehow actually wreck players.  I know I've joked about it before, but I think maybe it's time to stop joking about it.  They're doing something very wrong over there.

-  I'm strangely super bored by this draft.  Nuggets take Gary Harris, which means Denver has acquired both Aaron Afflalo and Gary Harris, which is redundant.

-  Raptors select some buy from Brazil who nobody has ever heard of.  I'm bailing on this draft as soon as Napier goes.

- Jesus Christ with this cat stuff.  Now my son, who is kind of scared of everything, is freaking out if the cat goes in his room while he's trying to fall asleep.  But he also cries if we shut his door because he likes to sleep with it open.  Remember back when I started this blog and I was basically just a drunk stupid kid?  Growing up and having to take care of things like kids sucks sometimes.  I'm out boys.  Pray for Shabazz Napier.

Gophers vs. Illinois L ive Blog

-11 minutes - So why not drink some booze and live blog, am I right?  Watching the Iowa State vs. Kansas game right now.  Great game. 

-9 minutes - On a scale of 1-think the Big Bang Theory isn't nerdy enough, how nerdy is it that I just watched this:


-7 minutes - So real quick since we have some time let me just mention how ridiculous the Hall of Fame voting crap was this year with nobody getting in.  Are you guys kidding me?  The worst part is you know they think they're taking some kind of stand or making a statement, when in reality they're just being a bunch of pussies.  The worst part?  As pointed out by Loretta8 from Sippin' on Purple - Bonds and Clemens finished with a different amount of votes.  One is the all-time home run leader, the other won 7 Cy Young Awards.  They're both no-brainer first ballot inductees - unless you are against voting in steroid guys (aka completely ignoring the 90s) in which case they both are at the same level of guilt and should both stay out.  One way or the other.  This means somebody voted for one, but not the other guy. Makes zero sense.  They need to revamp the whole system, and I hate saying that because I really don't know how to make it better.  To start, how about kicking out all the idiots. 

-4 minutes - Seriously, even if you don't want to vote in anybody you remotely suspect of steriods (and, by the way, I've never heard Piazza linked to roids) how do you not elect Craig Biggio?  The stats are there and I'm pretty sure nobody suspects him of steroid use.  Or elect Tim Raines for christ's sake.  He's the second best leadoff hitter of all-time.  At some point I may have to do a post on Raines - or at least link to one - because the guy absolutely has the numbers to be in Cooperstown.  And you know he wasn't on steroids because he was too busy being high on cocaine.

-2 minutes - This Iowa State game needs to end before the Gopher game starts.  Hurry up already.

20:00 - A banked in three for Kansas?  You gotta be joshing me.  Welp, on to the Gopher game.

20:00 - Being good kind of sucks.  It was much easier watching these games when I knew they were going to lose. 

20:00 - What's Egwu doing in there, he doesn't even shoot threes?

19:48 - Paul with a very tough three point attempt (and missed).  You can have that all game, guys.

19:04 - Another bad three early in the shot clock.  Please keep doing this, Illini.

17:41 - Illinois doing a good job keeping the Gophers off the offensive glass, which we can tell already because they've missed like, a billion shots already.

16:53 - Announcer guy FYI - D.J. Richardson is not a "sharp shooter."  Gopher offense is so bad right now I'm afraid Tubby might go with the line change offense.

16:18 - Brandon Paul called for the charge after dunking over Mbakwe - announcers don't seem to realize that is, indeed, an offensive foul so who cares about the dunk part.  I feel like these guys might be the death of me.  Gophers down 4-3, but there have been as many shots already as there were in the entire first half of the Northwestern game.

15:44 - Wait a minute.  How can a basket count on a made dunk with a charge called?  By definition the ball was still in Paul's hand, which by definition means the basket doesn't count.  Jesus this is like re-writing the rules of math.  It's not like you can just change PI to be equal to 3.14158.  My god people.

14:29 - Gopher defense has been good, forcing Illinois into tough shots, other than the two dunks that is, and doing a good job on the boards.  Gophers just not converting opportunities except for just now with Coleman on a dunk in transition.  More transition please.

13:25 - Rodney for 3?  I guess if they aren't going to challenge it he's going to have to prove he can hit it.  Big shot as far as rest of the game implications go.

12:12 - Dre hits a three to answer a Richardson three.  Richardson's came early in the shot clock with a hand in his face, Dre's came mid-shot clock and was wide open.  Gophers are going to win this game, you guys.

11:29 - Complete second unit in for the Gophers.  Great.  And Elliason travels 35 feet from the bucket.  I know why he does this, so he can play the good players the entire second half, but I still don't like it.  Gophers down 13-11 right now, let's hope it stays close to that number while these clowns run down the shot clock again and again.

10:18 - Gopher turnover, Illinois three, Gopher turnover.

9:52 - Welch guarding Paul.  God save us all.

9:32 - Offensive foul on Elliason.  That's three straight turnovers by him.  Effing brilliant.

9:00 - Is there anything more terrifying than Maverick in transition?  For Gopher fans, I mean.

7:56 - TV timeout coming with Illinois up 16-15.  Good job by the second unit.  And by good job, I mean good job on defense (for real) with absolutely brutal offense until Mbakwe came in for Elliason, with Trevor scoring all four points.

7:42 - Wow.  Mbakwe with the drive from the top of the key, makes a lefty layup and is fouled.  That was an NBA second round draft pick play right there.  Free throw to tie?  Good.

6:45 - Coleman goes for a monster dunk and gets fouled but it's not called, good job attacking the rim though.  Pretty sure Dan just pulls up for a 16 footer there.

5:47 - Great defensive rotations forcing the Illini into bad shots, leading to transition opportunities leading to back-to-back dunks by Coleman and Mbakwe.  Gophers up four.

4:53 - More bad shots, more transition opportunities, more Gopher dunks.

4:17 - Good one-on-one move by Bertand to hit a jumper, answered by a three-pointer by Austin Hollins off a good pass by Andre in transition.

3:57 - D.J. Richardson has got to be one of the more disappointing big 10 players I can remember.  Tons of fan fare and hype and in four years he's become nothing more than a jump shooter.  Of course, it's tough when you have to play for the worst couch in the world.

2:08 - Illinois getting (and hitting) a shit ton of free throws, keeping this close at 31-27 Gophers.  Illinois just terrible from three right now, but a lot of it is the Gopher defense.  In general the Illini aren't missing open shots, but contested ones.

1:25 - Hollins (Austin) for three, followed by an Illini miss, followed by Andre Ingram throwing a pass into the 8th row.  I really think Andre Ingram is very promising for a sophomore.

0:47 - Paul actually gets an open look and drains it.  Then Ingram travels.  We're going to have to go Iron Five.

0:00 - 34-30 Gophers at the half.  Excellent job.  Gopher defense is playing awesome, and as long as they keep that up and keep getting transition opportunities they're going to win this game.

0:00 - Holy crap the Lakers are a mess.  Spurs up 101-85 with seven minutes left.

19:13 - Illinois still taking dumb shots as Paul goes for the contested running floater (and misses).

18:33 - Paul swatted by Rodney on a contested turnaround jumper, which leads to a wide open three for Austin Hollins (who misses) which leads to an offensive rebound which leads to a lay-up (and foul) for Mbakwe.  Free throw good.  That sequence was a microcosm of this game.

17:53 - Richardson step back 18 footer early in the shot clock.  So dumb.

16:54 - Gopher ball up 39-30.  Looking for a dagger.  Looking at you, Austin.

16:17 - How about a 40 footer with teh shot clock at two that banks in for Dre who I'm not even sure looked at the hoop?  How about that?

14:52 - Illinois with a couple buckets in the paint to cut it to 44-36 Gophers.  I hope they haven't figured out this "get good shots" thing.

14:11 - Another lay-up for Illinois, time-out Gophers.  Gotta keep 'em out of the paint and keep making them take those contested jumpers they love so much.

12:33 - Illini cut it to 2 with like their fourth straight basket in the paint.  I liked it better when they were stupid.  Also Mo Walker in the game is killing everything. 

11:54 - Austin Hollins steal leads to a dunk for Coleman, and then a Dre Hollins steal leads to an intentional foul by Illinois.  Also, I'm having a heart attack.

11:54 - I think I'm supposed to try to be funny but I'm just way too into the game.  If you want to laugh just listen to Nickelback or Coldplay or something.

11:41 - Dre hits both free throws and then nails a three.  Thank god for Dre.  Like Eminem said, you can't forget about Dre.  *streetcred*

11:09 - Shit, Paul into the lane, fouled and hits the shot.  STOP PLAYING SMART ILLINOIS.

10:50 - "Ahanmisi getting ready to check-in."  Cry.

10:28 - Another Illinois lay-up, defense has gone to shit. 

9:38 - Coleman for three?  Great play by Rodney to find him.  And again Illinois gets to the lane and draws a foul.  This needs to stop.

9:12 - Time for Welch to shine here with four fouls on Andre Hollins already.  I'm fine with him on offense, but very scared on defense.

8:38 - Gophers switch to a zone leading to an absolutely terrible three point miss by Paul, leading to a dunk by Rodney and a 58-47 Gopher lead.  I love dumb teams.

7:09 - Paul into the lane and misses when he could have kicked it out to a teammate for an open three, leads to a transition lay-up for Coleman and a 60-49 lead.  I feel like I'm typing the same thing over and over again.  Also fearing this is a pretty worthless live blog for the reader, but what do you care it's saving you from having to think about actually doing work.

6:42 - Bertand goes one-on-one for about 10 dribbles then misses a contested turnaround.  I know I keep pointing it out but I can't get over how dumb this team is. 

5:43 - Could have done without the easy dunk.  On Coleman, naturally.

5:24 - He pays it back by blowing by his defender for a lay-up.  Incredible game for Coleman.

4:45 - Coleman with ANOTHER three.  And Dre Hollins just checked in and picked up his fourth foul, which means earlier when I thought he had four he only had three which means I have no idea why he was ever taken out of the game.

3:33 - Gophers up 13 (another Coleman dunk) and I can still barely breathe.

3:04 - Sloppy turnover.  Oh yeah, that's why.

2:52 - Richardson airballs a three (contested, of course) which reminds me why I probably CAN breathe.

2:30 - I know the game isn't over yet (Gophers up 72-59) but man is this team good.  Their defense is incredible.  Watching their rotations on defense was the most impressive part of the game, and that's a game when Coleman scored 25 (as of now).  Those who didn't watch or didn't pay attention may call this a fluky bad shooting night by the Illini, but the Gophers had everything to do with that.  Then look at the offense where they have five guys who could put up 20 on any given night?  This team is for real, kids. 

1:48 - I can't believe Illinois missed another contested three-pointer, you guys.

1:16 - Brandon Paul lay-up.  Basically uncontested since the Gophers are up by 12 (after that).

0:30 - Coleman playing some serious suckhole, now up to 29 points after a couple easy dunks.

0:09 - Dre with a three as the shot clock winds down becasue why not.  84-67 Final.  Crazy, dudes.  I'll maybe have more on this game tomorrow if I don't get lazy

Gophers vs. NDSU Live Blog

I couldn't make it to the game tonight, but will be watching live, so why not live blog for the first time this year?  I used to do this to some critical acclaim, so might as well fire it up.

20:00 - Announcer guys point out Tubby has 113 career wins with Minnesota.  Pretty sure nearly 4 of those are against good Big 10 teams.  Need to double that up this year.

20:00 - How bad is that Kevin Correia signing by the way?  And 2 years!??!??  He's a right-handed, National Leagued Nick Blackburn and they already tried that last year with Jason Marquis.  I guess somebody has to mop up the fifth spot, but why not let's the kids throw rather than burning it on a younger Marquis?  Or, they think he can be the #3 guy, which is the worst thing I've ever heard.

20:00 - ZOMBIE NATION!! Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

19:47 - Elliott Elliason draws a quick foul.  Unguardable.

19:43 - Rodney with a long 2.  Terrible shot, but it went down.  Gonna be an easy game if that's happening.

18:38 - NDSU plan seems to be get the ball to Bjorklund on the block against Elliason, and Gophers are content to not help, which is a good call since NDSU shoots the three so well.  They've gone to him on all three possessions so far and gotten a block shot by Elliason, a hoop, and a 3-second call.  And, not for nothing, but Elliason needs to be able to handle Summit League big men before he can get a lot of conference minutes.

17:21 - Joe Coleman gets lost on defense again (although to be fair he's been MUCH better this year) which leads to a wide open monster dunk by NDSU white guy, which is actually the kind of play you can't let the Bison get off because pretty soon they're going to "start to believe they can win" which is a total cliche but cliches are true for a reason and I really don't want these farmer dorks hanging around.

16:55 - Coleman gets burned by the guy with the ball after not switching quickly enough off a pick.  He is a truly horrendous defender.

16:04 - Both Hollins's have missed open threes.  Don't like how this game is going.  Not just the score (9-4 NDSU) but everything about it.  This game is french fried taters and I'm the opposite of the sling blade guy.

15:30 - Rodney dunk.  He has all six for the Gophers.  At least he looks good.

15:03 - Going to TV timeout at 9-6 NDSU with Dre going to the line.  Gophers really upped the intensity all of a sudden.   Hopefully that translates into you know, winning, and stuff.

15:03 - Weird D-Backs and Indians trade just went down.  Looks like a 6-player swap of prospects and middle relievers.  The bad news?  Trevor Bauer to the Indians.  Would really prefer to NOT have him in the AL Central.  Felt the same way about Chris Sale, and see?  I'm always right.

14:57 - Andre missed both.  Sweet heavens of jesus wept.

13:41 - All they do is run Felt (big-time 3-point guy) around screens the whole time he's in there.  Good test for Austin since you know he's going to be getting all the toughest defensive assignments.  Well him or Joe Coleman.

12:51 - Maverick throws the ball directly to a NDSU player.  He was trying to hit Oto on the wing though, so it's probably a wash.

12:25 - I'm going to pretend Welch tried to bank that one.

11:59 - Felt drives into the lane and manages to get called for a charge and airball a floater at the same time.  I'm guessing that's why they tell you to hang out on the perimeter, wiener.

11:34 - Has Oto gone retarded?

11:28 - I think there may have been more to that trade.  I'm only getting partial info from Twitter and it's too hard to search for it while trying to count how many passes Osenieks can drop on one possession.  Also, Mbakwe grabbing every board in sight right now.  13-12 Gophers.

10:48 - Ahanmisi hits the 3-ball off a Mbakwe kick out (3 fantasy points for me!).  I hate to say it - like really really hate it - but he's not been completely horrendous this year.

9:39 - Welch/Ahanmisi/Osenieks/Ingram/Mbakwe is not a good look.  There's nobody in that group who can create offense.  Mbakwe is the closest thing but I don't know if it's the knee or what but he doesn't seem to have much of a post game this year.

8:16 - This appears to be one of those games where Coleman plays with his head in his rectum.

7:58 - Did you ever stop and think that the classic Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside" is about date rape?  Think about it.

7:11 - I don't take back what I said about Coleman, but my goodness is he clever when he has the ball in the lane.  Probably from playing in the driveway with the taller Dan growing up.  Then again, he probably could just bump Dan once and he'd quit and go inside to play Bubble Bobble.

5:36 - Rodney Williams with a 360 that somehow managed to also be an absolute hammer dunk.  Got to be #1 on SportsCenter.  They like dunks and stuff.  Gophers 26, NDSU 20.

4:41 - I cannot decide if Mo Walker looks good or horrible.  It's the same every game.  He's a two-face.

4:14 - Wait, a two face either looks good or bad.  Mo is a decision I just can't make.  Rather than a two face he's more like Michelle Williams or Robin Tunney.

2:40 - Back to back 5 second calls.  You don't see that every day.  Or ever.

0:53 - Tip-jam for Mbakwe.  Does my heart good to see it.  Like a bunny holding a kitten.

0:00 - Hollins' three as the half ends and the Gophers close on an 8-0 to go into the half up 11.  They should (SHOULD) just need to just keep putting the hammer down to win this one easily.  We shall see.

0:00 - Rodney dunk already on youtube thanks to zipsofakron who writes either for the Gopher Hole, From the Barn, or both:

0:00 - So this has nothing to do with the Gophers, but I can't stop laughing at this Jay Cutler story since I read about it about a week ago.  I mean, it could be a completely random time of the day with nothing going on and I'll think about it and just laugh.

Friend is in a bar in Chicago during the off-season. He goes to the bathroom and sees Jay Cutler, hat on backwards, taking a piss at the urinal. So the guy starts going to the bathroom and says, “Hey, I’m a huge fan, also went to Vanderbilt… ”
Jay throws his head back, still pissing, eyes half-closed because he’s drunk, interrupts him with, “DOOOONNNNTTTTTT CAAAAAARRRREEEEEE.”

 Cannot stop giggling.  Like a little girl.

20:00 - Choo to Cincy is the main piece of the trade, with the Indians getting Bauer and Drew Stubbs.  I can't wait to watch Stubbs face Correia.  The stoppable force vs. the movable object when it comes to strikeouts.  Gonna be sweet.

17:23 - 37-29 Gophers.  I missed the start of the half because I was melting american cheese on saltines which is delicious and Mbakwe is already in.  Maybe he started the second half which maybe we are done with this nonsense.

16:44 - Mbakwe with 10 boards already.  Looking pretty good.  Twitter nerds attacking that dude who wrote how he "had no explosiveness" anymore.  Relax, nerds.  So Trevor dunked.  He didn't even do a 360 or anything.  I'm going to go make this same joke on twitter now, as I watch Mbakwe make another lay-up against some hapless fool.

15:43 - Dre Hollins takes it to the rack 1-on-4 in transition, has it knocked away out of bounds.  I don't care what fundamental dorks say, I like a little reckless in my PG.

15:26 - Gophers realizing NDSU can't deal with either Rodney Williams or Mbakwe down low and just feeding the post.  Nice to see them appear as if they are coached.  For the last several years, whether Tubby was coaching or not, it sure didn't look like it.

14:29 - Mbakwe air-balls a free throw.  That's his second one this year (at least).  Between that and Andre Hollins actually missing free throws something weird is going on.  Even more weird?  Coleman, Elliason, and Williams all hitting 70%.  It's kind of like when you're playing Contra and you lose all your lives but player 2 has some left so you just steal one.

 13:30 - 49-32 Gophers and looking like they've taken control.  Best news of this game is that Mbakwe is looking a lot like his old self tonight, absolutely crashing the boards with reckless abandon with 13 boards and 6 on the offensive end.  Remember last year when he'd all of a sudden just decide, "yeah, I'm going to get every missed shot now"?  It's like that.  In sad news, do you realize when Williams and Mbakwe graduate next year's big man duo will be Elliason and Walker.  Oof.

12:55 - Andre Ingram would be a very promising sophomore.

12:08 - Osenieks really shoots like a shooter.  He doesn't make them like a shooter, but he shoots like one.

9:45 - The way Walker has played tonight, and he just missed a lay-up, I'm starting to think he's not a two face he's just ugly.  I'll give him the benefit of the doubt since he's still dealing with coming back from an injury, but that feels like an excuse.  That's an excuse, isn't it?  It is.  I knew it.

7:28 - Gophers trying to let NDSU back in the game here up just 57-45 now.  Good thing NDSU is terrible.

6:43 - Wow.  Rodney Williams just blows right by his guy coming from the perimeter, then when dude overcommits to stop the drive he stops on a dime, pivots in the other direction, and hits the turnaround jumper.  NBA level move right there.

4:42 - Another rebound for Mbakwe.  That's like, 15 or something.  Austin hits a J on the break and Gophers up 66-50.  I'm getting tired.

3:37 - Wally Ellenson on the floor for the Gophers.  I guess we solved the question of the redshirt.  And he immediately turns it over.  Great.

2:55 - Ellenson nearly turns it over again but is bailed out with a foul call.  EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT!

1:40 - Ellenson continues to play like a walk-on.  I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, obviously since it's his first game, but not exactly impressed.  Gophers up 70-57.  Line is 14.

0:00 - Gophers win 70-57.  Do not cover.

Gophers vs. Badgers: Second Half Live Blog

Sure why not?  Kids are gone and the wife and I hit the bar across the street for happy hour since the weather was so crappy, and well, it's 4 hours since then.  So yeah.  Let's go.

20:00 - Wisconsin couldn't shoot, and Ralph Sampson was super aggressive and assertive on the defensive end.  I fully expect these things to continue.  Also Andre Hollins is clearly a future star, and I do actually expect that to continue for two more years (because he'll go pro after his junior year, obviously).

20:00 - How long is this god damn half-time?  I mean jesus, is this the super bowl?

19:46 - Jordan Taylor misses a wide open, and I mean wide open, three pointer.  That seems to be the gophers' most effective defense tonight - just let Wisconsin suck.  And the whole state does, amiright?  I mean, if you put Wisconsin and Iowa into the Large Hadron Collider you'd just get this massive ball of drunken hick douchenss that you could then launch into outer space with some kind of giant water balloon sling shot, right?  What?

18:58 - Gophers going clang clang clang like the little engine that could.  The Nick Punto of trains, you know.

17:52 - Wide open three for Berggggrren, who misses (might have been Brewsewitz).  It's working!!

17:38 - Announcer guy: "sometimes this Gopher team just doesn't think."  Amen, brother man.

17:24 - Saul smith is yelling at someone on the Gopher bench.  I assume that isn't good.

16:31 - Rodney Williams seems very upset with officials like, all the time lately.  He might as well be a Gopher fan with all the bitching, particularly the dude who sits right next to us who has, almost literally, no idea what a foul is and isn't.  And for the record, Williams fouled him with the body, even if the block was clean.  Gophers 25, Wisconsin 22. 

16:04 - 12-2 run by the Badgers to tie the game up.  Never saw this one coming.  Might just watch the Walking Dead.  Yeah, the writing might be meh and the dialogue might be Lucas-esque and the actors might be woodenish, but you know, zombies and shit.

15:19 - Brusewitz misses an open three.  Genius strategy by Tubby.  Just let 'em shoot.  Just like that dude at the Y who thinks he's all like whoa but really kind of sucks and you just let him shoot all game and he keeps missing and then he makes one and looks at you like "you can't lay off me son cuz I'm gonna hit it every time" and that's when you know you got 'em because he's going to just keep chucking and missing and you don't really have to expend any energy on defense anymore so you can save it for when you have the ball and light some chumps up.  I love that guy.

14:20 - Sconnie misses a free throw but gets their own rebound.  Lol.  Doesn't matter though when Gasser misses an open three point shot.  Still 25-25.

13:44 - Joe Coleman goes with the Rick Vaughn impression and throws it through the back of endzone at 99mph, looking for I assume a teammate.

12:53 - Now this play right here illustrates why Rodney Williams can be so frustrating.  Gets the ball at the key, sees Berggren or some fat white guy on him so he takes it right past him, uses excellent body control to avoid the charge when Brust (might be Gasser) slides over, and makes the easy lay-up.  Incredible quickness and athleticism.  Just amazing.  But three years in and no jumper?  Might be easier to handle if he had the aggressiveness he showed on that play more than once a month.

12:43 - Has Julian Welch played tonight?  I watched the pre-game and 1st half on the treadmill with no sound so if they said anything I didn't hear it, but I can't remember seeing him tonight.

11:57 - Andre Hollins goes up for a three and has it tipped and it heads straight out of bounds.  Austin Hollins completely sells out and sacrifices his body to attempt to save it (even though it's going to be Gopher ball) and just tips it enough to make sure it's Wisconsin's ball.  If I could sum up the season in one play I'm pretty sure that's it.

11:57 - By the way, shout out to Mrs. W who, besides being hot, put together our new treadmill all by herself yesterday.  Good woman.  Also a great cook.  Second best in the house.

11:57 - Technical foul on Tubby, which is actually good to see.  Actually turns out Hollins' didn't get his shot tipped, he actually got his arm smacked which caused the airball (and should have been a foul) so my bad to Austy.  I shouldn't have doubted a kid whose cousin's dad is an NBA coach.

11:15 - It's now 32-27 Wisconsin.  Sweet.

9:05 -  This game is kind of putting me to sleep.  Now 34-29.  Also Josh Gasser is a girl.

8:53 - Ralphy!!  Hammer dunk!!  Doesn't count because he was fouled on the entry pass, but still.  Deezam.  Not sure on the spelling on that one.  Do like this "getting back into the paint" stuff.

8:52 - Osenieks 1-2 from the line.  Isn't he supposed to be a shooter but hits less than 50% from the line?  Am I wrong here?  I hope so, because that don't make no sense.

8:23 - Brust for 3.  Huh. Maybe the whole "let 'em shoot" strategy isn't the best one.  And that move by Andre Hollins was just ridiculous. Just went right by Jordan Taylor and then right at one of those fat Sconnie dues and made the lay-up.  Hollins is going to be a star.  Watching him kind of reminds me of watching LeSean McCoy.  That either makes total sense to you or is really stupid.  I vote for makes sense.

7:40 - Missed Badger free throw, Badger board, Taylor three-pointer, 41-32 Badgers.  Any of you basketball nerds know where to find how often a team gives up an offensive board on a missed free throw?  Pretty sure the Gophers lead the nation.

7:11 - Two made throws give Sampson 1,000 career points.  I remain underwhelmed.

6:47 -  Another made three for the Badgers and I'm pretty sure Andre Ingram just blew his knee out again.  Poor dude.  Actually he looks less knee-blowout-y now.  Hopefully he's ok.  Based on the nearly constant transfers out of this program you never know, he could be a starter next year.

6:01 - Oto probably just traveled on a fast break lay-up attempt, which he missed, and then tipped in his own miss.  I'm trying to decide if that was pretty or ugly.  Since I've had a couple beers let's go with the beer goggles and call it pretty.

5:08 - 44-36 Wisconsin.  I wish I could just fast forward.  This is the kind of game people make fun of nationally.

4:54 - I honestly have no idea which one is Bruskewitz and which one is Berggren.  Also Brust vs. Gasser is a challenge.  I can pick out Ryan Evans though, thanks to all that time misspent watching Kid N Play movies in my youth.

3:45 - Either an amazing touch pass by Williams or a fortunate bounce leads to a Sampson dunk.  46-40 Badgers.  If this was any other B10 team I'd say they were at least in it.

2:42 - Andre Hollins takes a very aggressive, but not ill-advised, three pointer; Williams grabs the o-board by outjumping everyone, misses the putback, gets back up quicker than anyone else to grab another, gets fouled, and makes both free throws.  That is exactly what Gopher fans need to concentrate on for next year.  That hole sequence actually looked like a good, confident team.  Also, if you're scoring at home, I'm now writing effusive praise for a sequence where the gophers shot 1-3 from the floor.  Also they just showed a graphic that the Gophers have 3 assists tonight.  Which, I suppose, isn't that bad when you consider I think they have about 8 field goals.

1:21 - Austin Hollins travels for no good reason whatsoever. 

0:41 - Announcer guys aren't making much sense with their reasons, but the overall point is sound - the Gophers could really use an actual point guard.  I love Andre Hollins, but, well, I don't know.  I mean I guess he could be an actual point guard in the scoring point vein, but I think the team would be better if he could just be the scorer.  They need a Darren Collison to his Russell Westbrook.  Good thing they have both a good point guard on the current roster plus one of a quality pedigree coming in next year.  The future is bright!

0:00 - Gophers lose 52-45.  Sucks because the Gophers really needed this to land a top NIT seed.  And thanks a bunch for not covering Badger asses.

Gophers vs. Iowa: Live Blog

Am I blogging the Gopher/Hawkeye game?  Yes.  Why, you ask?  Not very sure.  I think the best reason is that, on the very good chance that things go south, this and future generations can study what I type and come to conclusions about what happens to a rational man's brain when his favorite sports' team, a team made of 18-22 year old kids in this case, fails in a spectacular fashion after building said man's hopes up.  A case study on a meltdown.  Some people leave their bodies to science and/or donate their organs, I do this.  Because, let's face it, I don't science would much want my body (just like my wife, hey-oh!).

20:00 - I wrote a short preview tonight because the way to win this game is simple - score points.  Attack the zone, be aggressive in transition and in the half-court, and score points.  Iowa is terrible defensively so all you have to do is go after them and score points.  Their offense can be scary but it's not good enough to outscore you if you play well.  Remember, it was just 64-62 when Iowa won in the Barn - Gophers need more points than that.

19:59 - Iowa starts in man, which is a good call by McCaffrey (the opposite of coming to Iowa in the first place) because you know the Gophers practiced against it over and over all week, so don't give them that zone right away, save it for when/if you need it.  Man-to-man leads to an easy steal and a lay-up anyway, so it's 2-0 Iowa and Julian Welch now bricks a long jumper.  Great.

18:24 - For the record, Dawger thinks Welch is/will be one of the best Gopher PGs ever, so his mistakes aren't really his fault.

18:05 - Two transition opportunities for Iowa and twice the Gophers haven't gotten back quickly.  They're lucky it's only 2-0.  I'm not a fan of Tubby's line change substitution patterns, but if you're ever going to do it that would have been the right time.

17:36 - Ralph 16-footer to tie it up.  He could still end up the best center in gopher history, you just gotta believe.

16:50 - I bet Roy Marble is way prouder of his kid than Ralph Sampson is of his.  Don't you picture the older Ralph just mentally abusing Ralph III?  Like in high school Ralph III would be like, hey dad (who was probably never at the games) I had a triple-double last night and Ralph II would be all like, "triple-double?  I used to get quadruple doubles in high school?  Why were you slacking off?  Now go mow the lawn."

16:01 - Another Welch turnover and he's out for Maverick instead of Andre Westbrook for some reason.  I don't get this substitution.  Also I want to clarify that I call Dre Hollins Andre Westbrook because he reminds me of Russell, not Lawrence.  Let's not make that mistake.

15:09 - Well say this for Ralph, he's being aggressive.  He's being terrible, but he's being aggressive.   7-2 Iowa at the first break as the Gophers look sloppier than Lindsay Lohan (that's not dated yet, right?)

14:24 - Out of the break Iowa goes to a half-court trap which scares Oto half to death so he just gives them the ball so they can score.  9-2 Iowa.  It's over.

13:59 - Ahanmisi fouled on a 3-pointer.  1-3 on the FTs.  What a dickwagon.

13:36 - Another Gopher turnover.  Every time I watch this team play it makes me wish turnovers were the goal of the game.  :championship:

12:33 - At what point does the Gophers' failure to get back to stop the Hawkeyes in transition stop being about lazy players and start becoming about the coach?  I know he can't exactly run out there yet - he's not Pete Rose - but at some point it has to be the prep work, no?

11:34 - Eight and a half minutes, 1-8 shooting, 3 points, 8 turnovers.  13-3 Iowa.  This is like Marcellus Wallace and Zed so far.

11:16 - Turnover against the press.  I wish I was kidding.  The good news is Iowa doesn't look like they have their world-beater pants on (they would probably be black Zubaz with like, corn on 'em) so I still think the Gophers can get back into this, as long as they play the rest of the game the exact opposite of how they have been playing.

9:56 - Two consecutive possessions with a shot by the Gophers, new record.  They made one, now 15-5.  Now 17-5.

9:30 - Ralphie with the hammer dunk and the foul.  Seriously might be the most aggressive Sampson has been all year.  I think he's got seven of the team's 8 points right now and has missed around 3 shots too.  I like seeing him go after it, reminds me of what I saw way back when before I was stabbed in the nuts.

8:45 - Iowa is just awful.  Seriously terrible.  There is zero reason for the Gophers to lose this game.  None.  They've played one of the worst games in basketball history - the hoops equivalent of 41-donut, if you will - so far and yet are only down 18-11 after Welch's 3-point play. 

7:49 - Iowa misses, Austy Hollins 3-ball.  18-14, and some dumb white guy just had his lay-up swatted by Sampson.  On the ensuing possession Hollins misses a WIDE OPEN three, Rodney tips the board out and it leads to an Iowa lay-up on the break.  That's a pretty rough swing, momentumally.

6:16 - 20-17 Iowa and here comes the zone.  This is going to decide the game right here I type as Welch throws the ball right out of the back of the end zone.

5:40 - I'm not even sure Iowa has a rebound yet.  Jesus these guys really fucking suck.  How the hell do they have those semi-impressive wins they have?  I'm pretty sure Penn State would beat these guys nine out of every 10 games.

4:25 - Despite all that, after a missed open three and a missed lay-up on the follow, the Gophers are still down to these assholes 20-19.  The points are just like, right there for the taking.  I've threatened this before, but if they don't win this game I'm done with this team.  This is like watching a bad high school team and Matt Gatens just hit nothing but backboard on a wide open three-pointer.  How can the Gophers possibly be losing?  Oh.  Right.  They're the Gophers.

2:32 - So I've been watching a lot of the old Scooby-Doo's with Wonderbaby^TM these days, and holy crap was that show racist.  Well racist isn't really the proper term because it's just the way the world was back then, I guess stereotypical is the right word.  Tonight's episode took place in China Town and 80% of the chinese characters were basically Hong Kong Phooey and at one point Shaggy impersonated a Chinese dude and it included slits for eyes, buck teeth, and Ls and Rs pronounced as Ws.  I'm not saying it wasn't hilarious, I'm just saying it was weird to see not only on TV but on a kids' show.  And the Gophers are up 27-24 after a couple made threes.

0:00 - 27-24 is your halftime score.  And this is why the preview I wrote for this game was so short and half-assed - Iowa completely sucks balls.  Like, they're the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.  There's no fucking secret formula to winning this one, just don't play like assholes and the Gophers should walk.  Well they played like assholes for most of the first half and Iowa was so bad that was completely wiped out by a good, solid four minutes of ball.  So just do that the second half.  Don't come out with this stupid shit where you look lost and confused and suck.  Just attack Iowa and they'll crumble like the French - after all, Napoleon was defeated in Iowa.

Napoleon was finally defeated at Waterloo.  Look it up, noob.

19:31 - Iowa with an offensive board off a missed free throw.  Wonderful.  Great way to start the half.

19:02 - Nice hooker by Ralph.  Suck it, Ralph's dad.  Mow your own damn lawn.

18:50 -  Iowa with a terrible full-court press leads to a Sampson dunk.  31-28 Gophers. 

18:34 -  Iowa has to be the worst team in the country.  Bryce Cartwright spins, completely out of control but puts up a terrible jump shot any way and then some big dumb white just crashes over the back of Joe Coleman as if he doesn't really even understand the rules and just thinks if you can get the ball, get it.  Like letting some kind of animal loose.

18:10 -  Iowa just missed a lay-up on a 2-on-1, but because the Gophers still aren't hustling back they got the o-board and another crack at a lay-up.  Which they missed, leading to a transition 3-pointer for Austin Hollins.

17:02 - Six fouls on the Gophers already.  Iowa seems to employing the "fat kid in sixth grade who put his head down and dribbled at the rim" offense, and the Gophers are obliging by fouling them.  Of course, Iowa is fucking terrible so Basabe just missed both free throws.

16:30 - It's officialy, Austin Hollins can't shoot.  He's like 2-5 on threes which sounds good but if you'd seen any of them he's been completely and totally wide open on all of them.  I mean like, Magic Johnson just got AIDS but is playing in the all-star game and nobody wants to guard him open.

15:45 -  You're never going to believe this, but the Gophers just had another unforced turnover which led to a Matt Gatens dunk and it's now 36-33 Gophers.  In a related story, Matt Gatens can dunk.

15:09 - Iowa crowd all fired up but an Armelin three shuts 'em up.  Suck on that, corn boys.  Go home and fix one of the four cars sitting on your lawn and watch Dukes of Hazzard while drinking Schlitz.  That actually describes all of my uncles on my mom's side, who grew up on a farm, when I was growing up, so I know what I'm talking about here.

14:30 - So who's excited for three more years of Aaron White after this?  I can't decide what hurts my eyes more, his hair or his blindingly white skin.  I know white guys always stand out on the court (even on Iowa) but this is like somebody suited up Powder.  Although I guess that would be pretty helpful having Powder on your team because he could like, move the ball with is mind and shit.  Way better than having that ball-hogging Teen Wolf.

12:49 - Also now that I wrote Teen Wolf  I'm reminded I once compared Evan Turner to a werewolf on this blog, but I'll be damned if I can remember why.

12:29 - Rodney misses the jumper, the rebound goes through to Iowa dudes to the Gophers again, ball goes to Westbrook who takes it at Oglesby and crosses him over to where he has about 6 feet of room to knock down the 14-footer (and does).  45-35.  Yes, 35.  Jesus these guys suck. 

11:35 - Iowa brings out the 3/4 court trap again and the Gophers make two horrible and wild passes.  Somehow Iowa tracks down neither of them.

10:54 - Another foul on the perimeter, Iowa goes to the line again.  That's four straight Iowa points and they're all at the line.  I can't believe the Gophers are still in danger of losing.

10:24 - The cure for a struggling offense?  Elliott Elliason 8-foot jumpers.  I'm just kidding.  He completely bricked it and then scores to cut it to 4 because their slow white guy is still quicker than Elliason.

9:20 - Let's play guess the Gophers offense out of a timeout:  Did they A. Run a well-designed play that led to a good shot, or B.  Didn't even have a play because Tubby neglected to call one and passed the ball around the perimeter until there was little left on the shot clock forcing Coleman to try a desperation shot that didn't hit the rim leading to a shot clock violation?  If you chose A you are a liar.

8:56 - Remember the Joe Coleman from earlier in the year who was a terrible off the ball defender?  He's back, Gatens 3 makes it 45-44 Gophers as Joe completely loses him on a fake cut.

8:30 - Welch answers!!!  Probably one of the best point guards in Gophers history.

7:40 - Sampson's shot is slow, hesitant, and blocked and that reminds me that he's done nothing this half at all.  Just like a woman, you start praising her and talking about how much you like her and she turns her back on you and starts banging the bartender at the bowling alley.

6:23 - If a tip counts as an o-board that's two offensive rebounds on one possession for Sampson leading to two made free throws for Ralph.  I take it back.  I take it all back.  I still love this guy and I don't care who knows it except probably he shouldn't know because of the whole bartender thing.

5:27 - It's a 50-49 game and Rodney Williams misses two free throws.  God this team is just retarded.

5:12 - Basabe makes two (SEE HOW FUCKING EASY THAT IS YOU DICKHEADS) and Iowa now leads 51-50. 

4:45 - Welch with another huge three.  Nobody hits more clutch shots on this team than Welch other than if it's to win or ice the game, but from about 8 minutes left to 2 minutes left he's just nails.

3:58 - Hollins hits a three somehow and Gophers lead 56-53.  Keep up the inside-outside offense and things should be good, until Iowa starts fouling and the Gophers miss every free throw and let Iowa win.  You know damn well it's coming.

3:43 - Powder pushes Oto down to the ground (probably with his mind) on a Gatens missed free throw.  Big spot for Oto since it's 1-and-1.  He missed.  Board to Elliason.  Leads to a three-pointer by Oto and a 59-54 Gopher lead.  What a weird possession in a really weird game.  Gophers are 10-16 from three, despite being a terrible shooting team and the only thing Iowa does fairly well defensively is defend the three.  Just goes to show you that stats don't matter, nerd.  Little computer men and numbers you feed into your calculator don't play basketball, people play basketball and heart and grit and hustle matter.

2:26 - By the way I got to do a fancy work dinner earlier this week.  We went to Seven and went with the Spicy Salmon Roll and Calamri for appetizers and then grilled asparagus, truffle mac-and-cheese, and roasted corn for our sides.  I went with the Picanha steak for my entree, which is a Brazillian cut of sirloin using the sirloin cap and served with a garlic oil infusion that is to die for.  I've only had Picanha before at Fogo de Chao and it was easily my favorite cut, so to get it for an entree was an awesome treat.  Seriously, if you can get to Seven and don't order this you are an asshole.

1:55 - Hollins (the bad one) misses another three, leading to a monster dunk right in Ralph's effeminate, tentative face to tie the game at 59.  This blows ass.

1:09 - Gophers go to Sampson who is doubled and then turns it over leading to a fast break for Iowa where Welch fouls Cartwright.  He makes both.  Iowa up 2.  I really wish I grew up something gay like dancing or hunting so I wouldn't even care about sports.  Maybe snowmobiling.  That seems pretty dumb.

0:42 - Do they ever even fucking run a god damn play?  Ever?  Nobody had a god damn clue what to do on that possession!  Can anyone explain to me what exactly it is that Tubby does out there because he sure as fuck doesn't coach or recruit.  He doesn't do shit.  Honest to jesus baby santa christ he's fucking worthless. 

0:00 - ballgame.  Fuck you Tubby.

0:00 - Let's watch that possession again.  Remember, Gophers are down two here, this is a huge possession and basically the game. 

Shotclock time:

35 - ball into Welch, dribbles across half-court.

27 - to Hollins in the middle of the court, 35 feet from the rim.

25 - swing to Coleman on the wing, still 35 feet from the rim.

22 - Coleman dribbles to mid-court swings it back to Hollins on the left now 30 feet from the rim.

19 - Over to the right side to Coleman, still 30 feet from the rim.  Coleman clearly looks confused.

17 - To Welch in the center, 26 feet from the rim

14 - Welch drives and puts up a contested, double-teamed, ill-advised 18 footer that misses and that's the game.

Guess how many timeouts they had?  Two.  Look I am all for letting your players play, but you've seen this group before and I don't think they qualify for Mensa even if you combined all their basketball IQs.  Fine, give 'em a chance to look competent if you really want to, but when they spend 21 seconds outside of 26 feet from the rim it's time to call a timeout.  This is just an embarrassment.  I can no longer think of a single reason to believe in Tubby Smith as the coach.  He's terrible and he only tries about once every three games.  He was invisible tonight.  Congrats on your National Championship with Kentucky, I'm glad Rick Pitino was such a good recruiter.  What a fucking joke.  Officially an Iowa State fan now.

Gophers vs. Hoosiers Live Blog

I'm not exactly certain why, but I'm going to live blog this game.  I'm a bit nervous because I fully expect that three-eighths of my body will be covered in vomit by the end of this and let's face it I'm not 28 anymore so that's not cool, but I'm going to do it anyway.  I had a work sponsored happy hour earlier and am now armed with five Coors Light silos and a giant vat of Mrs. W's delicious vinegar dill cucumbers so I'm feeling confident.  Confident I'll be done with this post in less than an hour, but I'm now committed so let's see I guess.

20:00 - Ahanmisi not in the starting lineup tonight.  It's like we've already won.

20:00 - I love how everyone is so confused about Tubby being 0-4 in conference and how it's a miracle.  It's not a miracle when you don't care.  It's like, it's not a miracle that I have no Wild pennants in my house.  It's just that hockey is for idiots and I don't give a crap.  Kind of like how I imagine Tubby feels about this job.

19:38 - Welch's slow feet commit a foul.  He's now officially slower than small white dudes.

19:34 - Rodney bringing the aggressive getting his own board off a miss and converting it into a 3-point play.  I'm feeling like it might be a Rodney night.  Not sure if Indiana really has anybody outside Oladipo who can handle him.

18:48 - Indiana attacking the paint early.  What a weird concept.  Speaking of such, what percentage of Mbakwe's shot attempts were off of offensive rebounds?  Gotta be like 80, no?

18:16 - 8 seconds on the shot clock and the Gophers hadn't crossed the 3-point line yet.  Austy Hollins takes it to the rack and gets a lay-up. MORE OF THIS MORE EARLIER PLZ!

17:40 - Coleman gets it in the paint and makes the lay-up.  7-4 Gophers.  What's will all this paint action?  I haven't seen anything like this since Bear and I were firing paintball guns out our windows at each other at 2am back in high school.  Ok, they were staple guns, but same thing.

16:58 - Zeller finds himself in a breakaway situation and Ralph chases him down and gives him a good hard, clean foul to prevent the lay-in.  The exact kind of foul he needed to throw Lewis Jackson's way against Purdue.  I don't know if I should be more frustrated or encouraged.  Maybe this is like when Zack learns he's native american and half-asses his assignment and the professor is all like "dude" and then he goes to talk to Chief Henry and gets all serious and is all like "I'm running Zack."  Now that I look at it, I'm not really sure how that relates but Saved by the Bell references are always a hit.

15:38 - Ralph scores in the paint to make it 11-8 Gophers.  Yes, in the paint.  I assume he got lost.

15:15 - #1 for Indiana isn't Jordan Hulls is it?  Cuz #1 is freaking terrible.

14:35 - Zellar lay-up, Ralph grabs it to throw it in to the guard guy, half-ass lobs it without paying any attention and Zeller steals it and scores again.  12-11 Indiana.  Time-out Gophers.  Uh oh, Rexy, I don't think this one has the distance.

13:17 - I should mention I'm watching this on tape delay on account of my stupid kids, and it's 9:02 right now and my phone just buzzed with a text.  I'm too scared to check it, seeing as this is about the time the game would have ended.  I know, I'm stupid.  But what if?

12:33 - Will Sheehey checks in.  I had no idea he was white. Kind of a Lew Ford moment for me here.

12:12 - Joe Coleman to the rack.  Blocked by Zellar, but at least he's got the stones to take it inside.  I dislike an awful lot about Coleman's game, but for a freshman there is a ton I like.  I can't wait to watch him not develop at all over the next 3+ years and/or transfer after year two.

11:44 - Christian Watford goes down with an apparent ankle injury.  Not to sound like a callous dick, but I hope he's out for the game.  Just the game, nothing serious or anything, just maybe take the night off.  You've had a good year, you deserve some rest.  Maybe bring a cheerleader or team booster back with you.  Crack open a nice bottle of wine and maybe eat some grapes or whatever.  Have a nice relaxing evening.

10:36 - Holy fuck.  Zellar just dream shaked Ralph resulting in an uncontested hammer dunk and I'm not sure Ralph's figured out where the ball is yet.  Wow.  Seriously that's gonna be a sportscenter thingy.  Which means the Gophers will show up on the plays of the day for the second time this year.  Huzzah!

9:45 - Chip for 3 (Gophers 19, Indiana 18).  guess how much room he had and how much time he took to take the shot:  wrong.  The answer is zero.

9:02 - Ahanmisi to the rack for a lay-up.  Where the shit was all this against Iowa and Purdue?  I swear to god if they win this game I'm going to be more pissed than happy.

8:02 - Wide open three for Indiana and he goes clang city.  Got to assume those will fall eventually.  Just like the 3 Maverick just hit to open up a 26-20 lead for the Gophers. Then Verdell Jones missed an open 8-foot jumper.  And just now as I'm typing Chip hits another three.  It's 29-20.  I hate this team for what they do to me.  I hate them so much.  I should be in bed right now.

7:04 - I forgot to pause it when I went upstairs to get a beer and it's 29-23 now.  That is all.

6:34 - Couple more text messages trickling in.  Perhaps this one is closer than I thought in the end.  No chance Gophers can win.  None.  God I hope I'm wrong I think.  I'm so tempted to read them.  What if they aren't even about basketball?  Maybe it's some hot chick texting me pictures of her boobs and I'm ignoring it?  I think I'll resist for now, but it's close.

6:04 - Fucking awful charge call.  And another text comes in.  Interesting.

5:21 - Indiana continues to clang open threes like a wrestling team an open gym.  If that continues and never mind because Jordan Hulls (who is indeed #1) just buried a 25 footer in Chip's face.  Nine point lead now down to one.  Waaah waah.

4:24 - Joe Coleman either lost an eye or a contact.  I'd write more but I was trying to fast-forward to half-time and this made me stop so I'm kind of annoyed.

3:52 - Fast forwarded to far.  Indiana now winning, mainly because the Hoosiers switched to a zone and the Gophers are all like oh my god I'm so confused until just now when Austy hits a 3 to give them back the lead so that was good.

3:01 - Rodney dunk.  Nice to see you again, sir.

1:49 - Watford's back and just missed a really stupid shot.  Keep it up.

0:12 - Oto, while the team has the shot clock off and is playing for one shot, puts up a three with 12 seconds left and airballs it.  Yikes.  There is so much wrong about that play I'd actually be a little bit stunned if he gets off the bench in the second half.

0:00 - Gophers lead 37-34 and my phone is absolutely blowing up (and I'm still ignoring it).  This is either going to be a heartbreaking loss or a heartbreaking win, if you know what I mean.  And if you don't you're stupid.

0:00 - Am I drunk or is that Gary Williams as part of the Big 10 Network half-time show?  Gary Williams?  The Maryland guy?  What the hell?  That doesn't even remotely make sense.  Maybe they should pull in John Chaney and Rollie Mossimino are available.

19:18 - Well this will shock you, but Julian Welch missed another lay-up (he did get fouled but it was one of those sissy fouls where you're supposed to make the shot).  If you take Welch and a 3rd grader and have them do a lay-up contest who wins?  Welch of course, but it's probably a little too close.

18:32 - Zeller gets it on the block against Sampson and for some reason goes for the fade-away jump hook instead of doing anything remotely aggressive - and misses.  Welch takes it to the rack and makes it on the other end and Gophers now lead 43-34.  The amount of rim attacking in this game has now convinced me that Tubby (well, probably whichever assistant he gets to do the actual gameplanning) reads this blog.  I'm definitely the only one who had that idea ever.

17:00 - Rodney misses a weird off-balance lay-up kind of thing badly and scarily, but he took it to the rim from the top of the key.  This is definitely a concerted effort by the Gophers to get to the rack.  Nicely done.  I try to get to the rack as often as possible as well.

16:42 - Verdell Jones just hit all backboard on a wide open 3-point attempt.  That kind of night so far for Indiana.  This is going to be crushing when the Gophers lose.

16:32 - Will Sheehey has a little bit of Punto to 'em.

15:51 - The announcers point out that Jordan Hulls hasn't played this half and wonder what his status is.  I'll tell you his status - he sucks.  Been a long time since I've been this unimpressed by somebody who was supposed to be awesome.  Jordan Hulls, the Dave Matthews of Indiana basketball.

14:30 - Zeller dream shakes Ralph again, less effectively but still makes the shot, then Oladipo steals the inbounds pass and gets fouled.  Misses both free throws.  I can't decide if this is an omen that it's the Gophers night or a sign that they're falling apart.

14:01 - Wow, Austin Hollins is having a hell of a game after taking it right at Zeller and making the lay-up to make it a 47-40 Gopher lead.  Must be rough for Lionel to have to watch his kid sit on the bench while his nephew lights it up.  And he just hit a real nice pull-up J to make it a NINE point Gopher lead.  I'm starting to think unthinkable things.  Can't wait to have my heart ripped out.

12:25 - Rodney lay-up.  51-40 Gophers.  I don't know who this team is that I'm watching.  All they do is attack the rim/paint.  It's a whole different team.

11:50 - Hey there's Hulls!  Watford just missed a jumper off a Hulls' pass.  Pretty sure it was Hulls fault.

10:54 - Coleman drives and draws the help in the paint so even thought he missed the shot nobody was there to block out Rodney for an easy tip in.  Gophers 53-45 (Indiana scored while I was typing).  I'm going to be honest here, if the Gophers lose this it's going to break my heart even though I thought they already broke it.  They're playing exactly how I want them to play (on offense) and Indiana is missing shots.  This has to be it.  It has to be.

9:22 - Moving pick called on Indiana (John Thompson would be so proud).  I happened while Hulls had the ball.  Pretty sure he fucked up and Watford was trying to fix it when he got called for the foul.

9:00 - Williams with a lay-up (again) and a made free throw for kicks.  They are just slaughtering Indiana in the paint which is exactly what they should do since Zeller is their only inside presence of note.  I have no idea who this team is.  It's like that movie where who you think somebody is isn't because they're someone else.  The Hot Chick.

8:43 - Look at these cucumbers.  You want these.  If you tasted these you would punch your wife or boyfriend in the face for not making them:

8:18 - Eliason just hit a 16-footer to make it 58-51 Gophers.  This was after like four straight Indiana points.  I repeat:  Eliason just hit a 16-foot jump shot.  Like, he made it.  This is not the Hoosiers night.  Until it is, of course.

8:00 - Jordan Hulls just missed a three.  He's 90% of the reason they're losing.  He's like a white Russ Archambeau who plays the whole game.  Also Julian Welch is really, really good when he gets in the lane not counting those times when he blew the game.  You know how Ralph is really a fancy pants nancy boy perimeter player in a 7-footer's body?  I think Welch is the opposite.  If they could swap bodies like Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan in that movie or whoever else in those 4000 other movies based on that same basic premise I think everybody would be happy.  Plus they'd get to sleep with each other's girlfriends and wouldn't really be cheating. 

6:10 - Jordan Hulls just tried to take a dive on a lay-up to draw the charge, but it wasn't called and the gopher guy who I think was Chip missed the lay-up but because Hulls was on the floor the Gophers got the offensive rebound and scored.  Hulls, single-handedly ruining the Hoosiers' season.

4:11 - Trade Oto.

3:22 - Sampson misses a hook shot, naturally (did you notice that Sampson is almost an acronym for tampon?) but Coleman gets not one but two shots at a tip-in and makes the second to put the Gophers up 66-59.  They're up 7 with 3 minutes to go.  I'm semi-hyperventilating.

3:11 - Rodney just fouled out.  So that's pretty shitty.  I've always said this whole "foul limit" thing was pretty fascist.

2:42 - Not to hammer this point home too much like I was Sid Hartman or jesus's dad, but I have no idea what team I'm watching tonight.  Welch misses a lay-up (naturally) and Osenieks, filling in for Godney, gets not one but two chances at a tip-in, making the second one.  It's like they somehow get how close the season is to slipping away.  Maybe should've figured that out a game (or two) earlier, but this is the team I had been expecting to see this year.

Please don't blow this.

2:19 - Welch misses another lay-up which, and I'm not joking, makes four in the second half alone.  Serioulsy.  Remember that joke about how he'd beat third grader in a lay-up contest?  Not so sure he wins anymore.  This is an epidemic.  If they lose this that will make three games he's blown this year.  He's like the Jenna Jameson of basketball.  Because of the blows thing.  Get it?  Whatever shut up.  I'm semi-drunk and a little bit delirious.

1:42 - Sampson knocks down a 17 footer to make it 70-62 Gophers.  They can't blow this, right?  Right?

1:27 - Hulls misses a three.  What an anchor.  Terrance Simmons like.

0:50 - Mav misses a free throw but Colmean ends up grabbing the board.  Probably Hulls' fault.

0:40 - Gophers turn it over on the inbounds play giving Indiana a lay-up and the foul.  This is the kind of shit I don't need.  Gophers up 71-68.

0:39 - Indiana fouls and the announcers are debating whether they should have, which is stupid because if you don't foul you might not get the ball back until there are only 4 seconds left in the game.  Announcers are all dumb. All of them.  Might as well just let women do it.

0:30 - Coleman hits both FTs (I love you) then Indiana hits a three (not Jordan Hulls) to cut it to 73-71.  Blood pressure rising.

0:29 - Hulls fouls Coleman who makes both free throws.  That's on you, Hullsy.

0:17 - Zeller goes for the lay-up and Hollins's's fouls him.  What.  The.  Fuck.  Once he gets inside the three-point line just let him go.  Good god.  Talk to Uncle Lionel one of these days about making smart plays.

0:02 - Hollins makes two, Hulls passes to the wrong guy who misses, and Welch is at the line for two.  Make one and we're looking at ball game and a very serious how the hell did that happen situation.  Like when Pam Beasley got boobs all of a sudden.

0:01 - Did that mother fucker miss both?  Of course he did.  Jesus H christ Julian Welch makes Lebron look like Larry Bird with this clutch shit.  He needs to be nowhere near the court in the last 3 minutes of any close game.

0:00 - Gophers win, .  Perfect storm my friends.  Gophers finally learned they need to attack the basket the same night Indiana stopped making jump shots.  Not taking anything away from it, it was a great win for the home town team and a great feather in their cap, but I don't think we can start talking NCAA Tournament yet because they dug themselves such a huge hole, but wow.  Just wow.  I didn't remotely see this coming.  If they play like this the rest of the way they can win a ton of games.  Don't forget Indiana beat both Kentucky and Ohio State in this same building.  I think I'll have more thoughts later or next week or tomorrow or something, need some time to fully process this.  I can't remember being this stunned.  They led this game pretty much wire-to-wire.  Obviously they need to do a whole hell of a lot more, but this win saved the season.

I'm gonna go to bed.  Joe Coleman is my hero.

Also suck it Sidler.

Live Blog: Gophers vs. Chippewas

Since I didn't get you a preview (prediction:  Minn 64, CMU 50) I figured I might as well live blog this garbage.  Although fair warning:  I'm not drinking tonight so this probably won't be funny.  I'll also probably lose my motivation and will quit by halftime.

Plus I'm in a shitty mood because my car broke yesterday and I had to pay $1,500 to fix it.  Then this morning we had a plumbing issue which cost us another $500 and we know have holes in our walls the plumber dude had to cut to get to our pipes, all to get a baby washcloth out of the trap thing.  Then, this evening on my way home, my car broke again the exact same way and I had to walk home after dropping it at the same shop who had earlier claimed to have fixed it, and I almost got hit by a car passing another car on the shoulder.  So yeah, it's been a great day.   I need a drink.

20:00 - Ralph's expression priar to the jump ball is some weird combination of "I'm about to cry" and "I'm really bored", with a sprinkle of "why won't you just leave me alone" mixed it.

18:52 - Gophers up 4-0.  Thus far Minnesota has taken, and made, two shots both in the paint.  CMU has airballed a jumper and tossed up a running lay-up thing that missed the rim completely and got all bored.  All though in that guy's defense he is a short white guy.

17:04 - Welch airballs a three-pointer.  Gotta admit, I didn't see that one coming.  Welch almost has this weird calm aura about him that just makes me feel so confident that he's going to make the right play at all times.  Pretty sure that's not going to end up being the case.

16:06 - CMU hits back to back threes to take the lead 8-4, including one by some dude with knee high socks that enrage me.  Ralph has also missed shots on back to back possessions inside the lane.  This is going to be a long night. 

14:28 - Ahanmisi misses a three-pointer for the second straight possession.  Announcer guy, "Ahanmisi with the shot.  It draws iron."  Good god this team sucks at shooting.  Wasn't Tubby shooting his mouth off about how this was going to be a great shooting team?  You know who can shoot on this team?  Oto.  That's the whole list.  Austin Hollins is ok, Welch is ok, Armelin is streaky, and everyone else is terrible.  They might as well be shooting at that 20-point basket from the ole Rock N Jock days when they line up a three-ball.

14:16 - This will shock your pants off but CMU hit another three-pointer.  This one after a pump fake where Andre Hollins jumped after so completely and convincingly and aggressively he must have thought the Chippewa guy was shooting a baby rather than a ball and he had to grab it out of the air.  Good lord, I expect better from a coach's kid.

13:44 - Joe Coleman is still a terrible defender.   Arapahoe of nothing, I will be in Cali for work the next two nights.  Hopefully I can get a little tipsy and blog some crap.  Speaking of crap, Elliason just Knoblauched a pass into the fourth row.  11-6 CMU.  Probably the ugliest game ever.

11:21 - Sigh.


11:10 - Are we going with "Andre Hollins" or "Dre Hollins"?  Because the announcer just referred to him as Dre and I know it says Dre on the back of his jersey but I didn't know if that was just because putting An. Hollins looked retarded or if that's what he wants to be known as.  Or maybe it's like, "Andre" is the official name but amongst his friends and what not he goes by "Dre", but then why would announcer guy call him "Dre" when I'm pretty sure he and Hollins aren't boys.  Personally I prefer Andre but that's because I just don't like guys going by Dre because really there's Dr. Dre and then nobody else can live up.  It would be like naming your kid Madonna or Screech or Knight Rider.  Also Joe Coleman has the team's last six points and it's 12-12.  I like him when the Gophers have the ball quite a bit.

9:26 - That's now three lay-up type shots where the Chippewas have missed the rim.  If the Gophers lose this game I'm going to take a magnet to this computer in order to destroy this blog.  That'll work, yes?

8:54 - OTO FOR THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

7:58 - Trey Zeigler, who is really really good which you would know if I had written that preview, just scored his first two points of the game on a reverse lay-up which involved going right around Austin Hollins who is supposed to be a defensive stud.  Ziegler is good enough to score 20 in a hurry and win this game for the Chippewas, at least I think so but then again CMU has been terrible his two years there so maybe I'm a liar.

7:40 - Four point play for Welch, Gophers now up 19-14.    I mean 19-17 because nobody stopped the ball after CMU broke the press and they made another freaking three-pointer. 

7:04 - I just realized Rodney Williams has been invisible this game.  Also across the bottom we get the news that Kansas freshman Ben McLemore, who was supposed to be a stud this year but was ruled academically ineligible, was arrested after failing to appear in court on a minor consumption charge.  I'd say that's going swimmingly.  Also going swimmingly?  Rodney Williams dunking on people's heads.

6:28 - Announcer guy, "Rodney Williams played the 4 in high school, so it was an easy switch for him to make to help out the Gophers after Mbakwe's injury."  I'm almost positive this isn't true, but not quite confident enough to rip this guy.  Damn no alcohol.  I really prefer to have my inhibitions be less inhibiting. 

5:08 - This is weird.  Whenever CMU goes with their 2-3 zone the Gophers pass it around like they're playing hand ball and inevitably throw the ball at the rim from the 3-point line and just as inevitably miss.  Whenever they go man the Gophers use motion and picks and penetrate and get lay-ups.  So why doesn't CMU just go 2-3 zone the entire time?  I have absolutely no idea.  I can only assume John Calipari must be coaching them or something.

4:00 - I cannot remotely tell the difference between Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes.

I'd tell which one of these was who, but I honestly have no freaking clue

2:42 - I can comfortably say now that this announcer is an idiot because after a Rodney Williams blocked shot he said, "I don't know about you, but I got my evite to the block party." 

1:52 - Say you're a seven-footer.  Now say you're a seven-footer whose standing near the top of the key about 18-feet from your own basket, and after you set a pick for Austin Hollins he dribbles the ball off his foot and it rolls, not bounces to you.  You bend down to pick-it up and there's a defender near you, so what's your first instinct?  Well if you're Sampson you just shoot the jump shot, and honestly I've never seen anybody go from picking a ball off the floor to shooting it.  He must be a god damn pop-a-shot all-star, except for all th misses.  Like this one.

0:00 - 34-23 Gophers.  This could become a game if CMU sticks with that 2-3, keeps hitting threes, stops turning the ball over, and gets Ziegler going.  So no.  And why the hell are there two broads doing this halftime show?  Isn't this ESPN?   Don't they have real people?  One chick, fine.  Whatever.  I don't really care, but I can't have two.  I just can't.  Don't you people know that they can attract bears when they're on their cycle or whatever.  Bears.

18:10 - Gophers score the first four of the second half on a strong drive by Ahanmisi and 19-foot jumper by Welch.  Yes, it's backwards day.  This causes Calipari or whoever is coaching the Chippewas to call a timeout, because the Gophers scored four straight.  It's totally necessary to give each team 8 timeouts per game or whatever.

17:43 - I just received a text that used "sry" for sorry, "sux" for sucks, "ur" for your, and "b" for be.  All in the same text.  Luckily it was from a girl so I can sort of let it go because their brains aren't as big and aren't wired for spelling (sorry ladies, it's science).  If you, or anyone you know, is a guy and texts like this just know that it pretty much automatically means you have a small penis.

16:14 - Another three for the little white guy with huge socks, which makes four for him on the day and cuts the Gopher lead to 40-29.  I also think I'm wrong calling him white.  He's got a little color in there.  Also he has some crazy ass hair style and I just realized he looks almost exactly like Paulie D, which makes me think about J-Woww which gets me all hot.

14:03 - Jesus the gophers are terrible, but luckily they're still light years better than this Chippewa team.  45-31 Gophers. 

13:08 - Andre Hollins knocks down a three and announcer guy calls him both "Andre"  and "Dre" in the span of six seconds.  I'm so confused.

12:33 - Ziegler heating up a bit.  Also appears to be willing to shoot any shot at any time.  Dangerous combo.  For both teams.

11:32 - Elliason grabs a rebound.  Announcer guy, "That's what Elliason can do for the Gophers, grab rebounds."  Well no shit, genius,  he's like 8 feet tall and sucks, he's going to plant his ass in the lane and grab missed shots.

8:51 - Joe Coleman with a foul on the perimeter playing terrible defense.  Good overall game though.  57-37 Gophers.  I'm pretty bored, and yet I can't muster up the energy to post on anything else like the Jayme Carroll signing or the NBA Stuff or even this Josh Willingham possible signing by the Twins.  I don't even have the energy to go on twitter and find out if that signing because official yet or not.  Guess I'm saving something for the California trip.  You could complain, but be honest:  that Dumb and Dumber thing made your day.

7:04 - Back to back possessions where CMU made lay-ups and were sent to the line due to dumbass ticky-tack fouls by the Gophers.  You either foul hard so they can't make the lay-up or get the eff out of the way.  If I wasn't yawning so much I'd be really pissed about that.

6:54 - I'm gonna go fold some towels.

5:03 - $57 million for Nene?  Man it is really not fair if you're over 7-feet tall.  Also apparently ever single person involved in this game is going to hit a three-pointer in the final few minutes, blowing the fuck out of my UNDER 127.

2:02 - And there goes the over.  Gophers 73, CMU 56. 

0:00 - Gophers win 76-56.  I've been trying to come up with a sentence to put here for like 5 minutes.  I just want to get to the real games already.