Dumb

1. Holy sweet jesus is anybody else sick of Red Sox/Patriot fans? And the diehards are equally as annoying as the bandwagon hoppers. Exhibit A is a Bill Simmons article about the Patriots' cheating that is the most homerrific thing I've read, like ever. I'm a pretty big Simmons fan, but I couldn't even finish this article. If you don't want to read the whole thing, and you really shouldn't, here's all you need to know. He actually wrote this:

1. Is there a chance -- just a chance -- Belichick has gotten a little paranoid in his old age, and since an undermanned Jets team played them closely in all three Pats-Jets games last season, he spent the spring and summer wondering if Mangini had figured out a way to steal their signals, so he decided to tape their coaches in Week 1 to see if that was true? And then he got caught?

Really. He wrote that. In all seriousness. I couldn't make something that ridiculous up if I tried.

Exhibit 2 is this douche bag who was at the bar tonight (still in Arkansas, still BW3's). First of all, he was wearing an Arkansas hat, shirt, belt (and not just a belt buckle, which would be bad enough, but a belt with little razorbacks spaced out around the whole thing), cell phone (like, the whole cell phone was all Razorbacky, and I know this because this homo had it clipped to his belt. Yeah, like you're really that important. Just die). So clearly, he wasn't actually from Boston.

The Red Sox game was on in the bar (as was the replay of the Vikings/Lions game. So that was a real treat), and this guy just couldn't stop being retarded. Clapped at every single Sox hit and every single Blue Jay out. Every single one. Dude, you're the only guy in the bar who gives a crap, and a single hit or out isn't really a big deal. Stop.

Then there was the fly ball some sox guy hit, and this guy starts running around the bar. I'm not even kidding. Funny thing was, the ball didn't even get to the warning track, so calm down Corky. And you could tell, if you've ever watched baseball ever, that he didn't get a hold of it, so you should have known it wasn't going out. But not captain dipshit here, he's running around like a fucking high school cheerleader. Then the ball is caught not even close to going out, and he's shocked. Christ, watch a couple of games before you hitch onto a bandwagon.

So I end up staying there later than I wanted to, because the Sox are down 2-1 in the 8th and I really, really want to see them lose. With the bases loaded in the 8th and 1 out, they bring in Papelboner and hes strikes out the first guy and Douchey McGee gets all excited and makes a whole hell of a lot of noise. Then the next guy, Russ Adams, decided to hit his second home run of the year, a nice grandslam to make it 6-1 and pretty much put the game out of reach. Of course, I'm happy, and I look at slappy mcdickhole, and he's not even watching. Then some homo at his table tells him what happened, and he just shrugs, smiles, and keeps drinking.

If you're going to be a bandwagon fan, at least care win or lose. Don't just be an idiot. You people are making me actually root for the Fucking Yankees. Never thought that would happen. And by the way, when the Yankees win the division and the Sox get the wild card, Simmons will write an article about how it doesn't matter. But if the Sox manage to hang on to the division lead and the Yanks get the wild card, he'll write an article about how it does matter. That dude was a much better writer when Boston teams all sucked.

Was this lucid? It doesn't feel lucid. You had to be there. You would have punched this guy in the face in your mind like I did.

2. I'm not not fat or anything, but there are more fat people here than in any other state ever. Not counting Wisconsin.

3. Ken Griffey Jr. broke his groin. Seriously, it looked like somebody shot him in the weiner.

4. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is about as hot as it gets.

5. Have you ever seen current Baltimore and former Oakland reliever Chad Bradford pitch? He's the deepest submariner ever. It works, as his career ERA+ is 132 (Johan's is 143 for reference sake). I tried to find some video of it, but there's not much out there so just start watching every single Oriole game hoping he gets in.

C. Hotels that sell beer are still cool. Hotels that market themselves as for the "business traveler" yet don't sell saline solution are fucking stupid. Also, I'm pretty sure the late night front desk girl wants me.

9. Remember when the U was pimping Chris Darkins as a heisman candidate? Good one.

10. Reggie Bush still sucks.

11. Why does fantasy golf have to stop after the tour championship? There's still plenty of golf to go. Also, if you're curious, I won my fantasy golf league this year, what up bitches? If I were a betting man, and I am, I would take Robert Allenby at 20-1 or Anders Hansen at 60-1 to win this week.

12. Goldy won his first matchup in that thing I posted that one time. Don't let it happen again.

13. I can't wait to get out of here tomorrow. This place is worse than Connecticut. Ok, not really, but it's close. Never go to Connecticut.