Down with Goldy?

If you're reading this for Gopher news or listen to the radio, you are probably already aware of the controversey surrounding Goldy Gopher's actions on Saturday against Penn State.  See below:



Now, the U has already rolled over and issued an apology, which is unfortunate for several reasons, which I will enumerate for you now:

1. This is the only remotely funny, entertaining, or worthwhile thing Goldy has ever done.  They actually had former Goldys call in to KFAN today to discuss this "controversey", and one of them actually used the phrase, "When I was on the team....".  I have no idea if he meant the football team or the cheerleading team, but either way it's ridiculous.  As a mascot, you are to do two things - make kids laugh and act like an idiot.  I don't think there's a team for this, unless you count the damn Shrine Circus.  
2. Sure, the guy was praying.  But he wasn't praying in a church, temple, synogogue, mosque, or even in his own house, he was praying in a football stadium.  If a mascot runs into a church and starts taunting jesus and raises the roof after kicking over an advent wreath, then we can talk.  Hey, if you want we can even say that Goldy was also praying, and evening the score at 1-1 with the Big Wizard in the Sky who cares about football games.
3. I'm guessing this was kind of an accident.  If you notice, Goldy's back is turned when he crosses himself the first time.  As JG (who I think is the Paging Jim Shikenjanski guy, but I'm not sure because I wasn't paying attention to any name change) laid out in the comments section over at The Daily Gopher, I'm pretty sure he started out just kneeling to mock the PSU guy, then realized he was praying and was kind of stuck.  Plus, he's a mascot.  He's a damn mascot, who the hell cares what he does?  
4. Nobody really cared.  I was planning on posting a bunch of links to articles with people being outraged, but I can't find anybody who was.  Reactions are pretty much either "Meh, no big whoop", or "It was a mistake but no big deal", or "I hate Minnesota and I'm glad they lost and/or look bad" (this one was mostly from Iowa fans).  Serious question, if nobody cares, why do you need to issue an apology?  I'm seriously embarrassed that the U felt the need to apologize for this.   

I don't know why I care though.  Any step we can take to get closer to a Goldy-less world is a step I want to be a part of.  On second thought, I'm OUTRAGED!


As long as I'm here I might as write a couple more things to give you something to do instead of work for a few more minutes

-  Big East preview coming on Friday.  Sneak peek - I LOVE Cincinnati this year.

-  I keep trying to figure out why I can't get into the MLB playoffs this year, and I think it's because I don't care, either way.  Every year there's always somebody to root for (Rockies, Rays) or root against (Red Sox), but I just don't have that this year, which is slightly alarming because the Yankees are still involved.  I don't know exactly when I lost my hate for them, but I have a feeling it's right about the time Red Sox fans got so obnoxious that I started hating that team instead.  I'm actually pretty glad that the Yankees are doing well and A-Rod is coming up huge, because maybe idiots will finally start appreciated that we're watching maybe the best right-handed hitter in history right here.  Or maybe I've just gone soft.   

- Huh.  I would have thought I'd more to say, yet here we are and I got nothing.

Weekend Review - 10/19/2009

I kind of sort of wanted to write about how gopher football sucked this weekend, and a 20-0 whopping by Penn State in which they gained all of 138 yards certainly seems like it might warrant it.  I'm not, though, because I didn't watch the game and although I usually shoot my mouth off without having all the facts, since this is ostensibly a gopher blog, even though it's basketball focused, I'll hold off.  I was going to watch the game, but when I got home from the softball state tournament on Saturday it wasn't on because the Oklahoma/Texas game ran late.  Then when it finally switched over I was busy with Wonderbaby^TM and then it was halftime and then I fell asleep. Go gophers.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Rodney Williams and Blake Hoffarber.  In case you're completely unaware, the Gophers season officially kicked-off Friday night with Midnight Madness, which in this case is called Tubby's Tip-Off and took place at 7:30.  These two get the nod for their big wins in the dunk and 3-point shootout - go ahead and guess who won which contest.  Perhaps more impressive than the Hoff's win was who the runner-up was - Justin Cobbs.  As good a defender as Al Nolen is, it's no secret to anybody with two eyes that his offense was lacking in a big, big way last season.  If it turns out Cobbs can score, even if he can just knock down an open three, that adds another dimension to the offense.  As for Rodney in the dunk contest, do yourself a favor and watch this:

[Video removed because it kept freaking out my browser. You can find it at From the Barn or Gophersports.com or pretty much anywhere. Just make an effort, fatty.]

Turns out those reports that he was an incredible athlete:  ACCURATE.  Additionally, I've read some reports from people who were there (over at the Gopher Hole) and it sounds like Ralph Sampson has bulked up quite a bit this year.  Combine that with the fact that Ralph can run a mile in under six minutes, which I learned straight from Tubby's mouth on the radio, and I don't really see any way he doesn't run away with Big Ten Player of the Year.

If you want some really detailed info on 3-point totals by round, and a thorough report on the scrimmage,  click your mouse device on this hyperlink.

2.  Hakeem Nicks.  He just keeps being awesome, so I just have to keep highlighting him.  In a suddenly crowded group of NY Giant receivers, Nicks keeps putting up good numbers and might have the highest upside of all of them - and that's no slight on the good Steve Smith.  On Sunday he lit up the Saints for 114 and a touch, making this the third straight week he's found the endzone, and, since Eli had a horrid game in the loss, he accounted for 64% of the team's receiving yards.  Smith and Mario Manningham both have more yards receiving this year than Nicks, partially due to Hakeem missing two and a half weeks due to injury, but it's becoming more and more obvious just how talented this kid is.  Steve Smith might end up with better numbers this year, but Manningham is currently being pushed aside, and neither will end up any near as good as Nicks when all their careers are wrapped up.

3.  Sidney Rice.  This guy is an asshole.  I'm sorry, and normally I don't like to use such coarse language in front of a lady (note:  that's you, nancy-boy), but I am required to hate this guy for screwing two of my fantasy teams (yes, I have more than one, kill me). I drafted him in two leagues, and in one of them when I picked him some jackass piped up with "potential will kill you."  Then after two weeks of nothing and looking like less than an afterthought, I had to drop him to make room for other players who were actually playing well.  Well, since then he's been picked up by other retards in my leagues and scored two TDs in the last four weeks, never dipped below 56 yards receiving, and blew up this weekend with a 6 catch, 176 yard game in the Vikes win.  Yeah, well he's too slow to outrun DBs and got caught from behind on what would have been a 70-yard touchdown, so eat it, guys who picked him up.

4.  LaDainian Tomlinson.  Numbers-wise, at first glance LT's performance last night doesn't look that impressive - 19 carries for 70 yards and 3 catches for 30, but two things are worth noting.  First, Denver's defense has been very, very good this year, particularly against the run.  Tomlinson's 70 rushing yards and the second most a back has managed to put up against the Broncos, just barely behind the 76 yards they allowed to Cedric Benson in week one.  Second, and more importantly, this is more about watching the game than the numbers.  Most of last year and this year, Tomlinson has looked slow, tentative, and was unable to either make people miss or break tackles - very similar to Shaun Alexander down towards the end there, and there was quite a bit of talk about how LT might be done.  Watching last night, it appears he might be heading back - not to the lofty heights he had reached previously, but I think he's far from done.  He was quicker than I had seen him in the last couple of years, making several defenders miss, and was making cuts quickly and decisively, much closer to the good LT than the recent LT.  He's not going to be MVP any time soon, but last night was very encouraging.

5.  The Beer Stars.  That's out softball team, and we are awesome.  Took part in the State Tournament this weekend, and ended up walking out with a nice plaque for finishing in fourth place (out of 63 teams).  Keep in mind, this isn't some kind of pansy-ass single elimination garbage like those sissies in the NCAA Tournament, this is double.  That means in order to finish in fourth, we had to win seven games, finishing up with an impressive 7-2 record that included a win over the (now former) #1 team in the state.  Once we got to the final four, I think we were in a different stratosphere.  The team that bounced us walked up and were drinking nothing but water and gatorade, and had warm-up donuts for their bats as well as those heavy warm up bats for the on-deck circle.  Not quite the same attitude we have, as demonstrated by the name "Beer Stars."  It was an excellent two days.  I think Snacks is the only other Beer Star who reads this blog, but if any of the others are out there - congrats fellas.  We kicked some serious ass.



WHO SUCKED

1.  Sam Bradford.  Let me give you people a bit of advice:  If you ever win a Heisman Trophy and are a guaranteed lock for a 1st round pick in the NFL Draft, just go.  Don't be noble.  Don't be loyal.  Don't be idealistic.  Just go.  I'm guessing Bradford's wishing he had done that after getting hurt for the second time this season on Saturday, and this one looks like there's a pretty good chance we're talking season's over here.  After getting his shoulder ripped in half against BYU in the season opener, he made his big triumphant return on Saturday against Texas in the big ole Red River Rivalry game, managed to sling six passes (completing just two) and then had his shoulder ripped off again.  What will this mean for his career?  I don't know.  It's probably not a career ender or anything, but will a team draft a guy who hurt the same shoulder twice in a season with a first round pick?  Seems doubtful.  We're talking a loss of multiple millions here.  All so he could get up and go to class.  Sucker.   

2.  Terrelle Pryor.  Enough with this guy already.  He's a good runner.  That's it.  He's not Michael Vick.  He's not Pat White.  He's not Vince Young (in college).  He's not even Beau Morgan.  He's more like Reggie Bush than anything else - elusive, fast runner who can help his team with his legs, but he is not a quality QB and he showed it again this weekend against Purdue.  Ohio State went in to West Lafayette and got rolled, 26-18 by a Boiler team that had only one other win on the season (against Toledo).  Pryor managed an incredible four turnovers all on his own, not to mention taking a sack on a third-and-five in Purdue territory late in the game with the Buckeyes down eight, and also managed to rush for just 34 yards on 21 attempts.  He's awful.  But you know what's funny?  I just checked, and he actually has a better QB rating than Adam Weber.  Good work Adam.  You're worse than the college equivalent of Tavaris Jackson.     

3.  Tennessee Titans.  Am I completely crazy, or weren't the Titans supposed to be a Super Bowl type contender this year.  Let me check something.  Yep, that's what I thought - they won their division last year.  Seeing as how they have pretty much the same team as last year, I'm guessing that their current 0-6 record is probably a bit of a shock to pretty much everybody.  Not a shock to me though, since I picked them tho finish third in their division.  What is a shock to me is the stats the Titans put up in Sunday's devastatingly embarrassing 59-0 loss to the Patriots.  It's hard to say what was worse, the offense or the defense.  The offense was so bad, that Vince Young was the leading passer for the Titans with a day of 0-2 for 0 yards.  That's because Kerry Collins somehow managed to 2-12 for -7, I have no idea how, which nets out to a QB rating of 4.9, which I assume is some kind of record and they exact opposite of the day the Titans' D let Tom Brady have:  29-34 for 380 yards and 6 TDs, which is a QB rating of 152.8.  He should probalby be in the Awesome portion of this post, but 1) I hate him, and 2) they pulled him for someone named Brian Hoyer who then went 9-11 for 52 yards in his pro debut.  In conclusion, Tennessee sucks worse than this TV movie with Tori Spelling Mrs. W is currently watching.

4.  Hideki Kuroda.  On Sunday for game 3 of the NLCS, Dodgers' manager Joe Torre had a choice:  go with Kuroda or Chad Billingsley.  They had pretty similar numbers on the season (Kuroda 3.76 ERA, 1.14 WHIP, Billingsley 4.03 and 1.32), and I'm sure there are a bunch of other factors that I don't feel like spending the time to research, but it seems he chose incorrectly and Kuroda got shelled, giving up six runs without bothering to get out of the second inning.  Of course, Billingsley didn't do much better in relief and the offense only managed three hits against Cliff Lee, so none of this really mattered, but there's still a valuable lesson here:  you can't trust commies.  Luckily, thanks to the second amendment, every man has the right to bear arms to protect himself from these commies, and the right to Liberty.  Liberty, if you've forgotten, is the soul's right to breath, and without liberty, man is a syncope.     

5.  John David Booty.  Sad news folks.  It's over.  John David Booty was released from the practice squad by the Vikings on Thursday in order to make room for some irrelevant o-lineman.  Seems a little unfair to get rid of a guy who has never thrown a regular season pass, but nobody said Chilly always makes the right decision.  So you people are going to have to give up on your dreams of having discovered a fifth round gem, and I'm going to have to give up on my dreams of using this picture for anything worthwhile:

So it goes.

I don't want.....your squid (Live Movie Blog)

It's been a while my friends, but I'm back with another live movie blog, and don't even try to pretend like you didn't miss it, because I know you damn well did.  After an excellent day of softballing, in which we played in the State Tournament and beat the #1 team in the state 10-9 in Game 1 and then kicked the crap out of a bunch of kids from the same high school I went too 20-3, I deserve a few drinks to relax.  Relax and watch an awesome movie.  This time we are going to take on another squid movie, which, after Kraken:  Tentacles of the Deep seems like a pretty stupid idea.  I am encouraged by this one, however, because it stars the one, the only, the magnificently cannon-armed, nimble-footed, Ivy League Smart Jonathan Moxon aka Dawson Leary aka James Vanderbeek.  Yes, I'm being serious.  For real, look it up.  He plays Dan Leland in Eye of the Beast (which is what I'm about to start watching).  That career is in rough shape, bro.  But Dawson was quite the movie buff, so he wouldn't star in a bad movie that totally lets me down, right?

-  Interestingly (well, more like predictably), this one starts just like Kraken did, with a couple trying to enjoy naughty time in a boat in the middle of the ocean.  She hears a noise, he says you're imagining things and tries for second base, she denies him and says she heard a noise again, he looks around and says there's nothing there, then they see an otter and assume that's what made the noise, and then they both get eaten by a squid.  Only difference this time?  The horny jock dude threw an empty beer bottle into the ocean first.  So Litter causes death.  Al Gore would be proud.

-  Oh, and also what tells me this movie is totally classy is that before the squid ate them, they were making out and it's tentacle came onto the boat and felt the chick's leg and she thought it was the guy trying to get to third base.  Classy.

-  Oh right, I haven't given the summary yet.  Here it is, "A scientist tries to stop a giant squid from killing residents of a small town."  Oof.  They didn't even make an effort.

-  That chick who got eaten apparently has no parents, and her brother is in charge of the family now.  I know this because he called the cops when she didn't come home last night and says things like, "She's my sister, man." and "Without mom and dad, I'm in charge of her now."

-  MOX!!!!  The Mox is here.  Sling that pill Mox, sling that pill!

-  He's got to be "the scientist" from the summary, right?  Also we just learned from a stereotypical creepy old man with an eye patch that this island (they're on a island, of course) is famous for the legend of the sea monster that patrols the waters around it.  And yes, Dawson is the scientist.  This movie is moving quickly.  Hopefully we get to the killins.

-  And he's got a beard.

-  Ah, we get a little backstory.  Dawson is there to figure out why there are no fish around the island and the fisherman can't make a living.  The fisherman are all bitter at the Indians, believing it is their fault since they can "catch whatever they want with no permits, some tribal right's crap."  Sounds like we'll get some good ole fashioned racism.  And for some reason that isn't explained, the fisherman are also mad at a scientist showing up - a scientist whose job it is to research the issues they are having and help them get back their livelihood.  Once again, logic and reason lose to a hastily written script - I assume scribed on either a napkin or some sort of cracker.

-  Did you know Captain Morgan is only 70 proof?  Real alcohol is 80 proof.  That really rocks my world.

-  Some poor dumb bastard just got eaten.  But he got eaten when he was standing on shore, and so the squid glided up to five feet from shore or so.  Meaning either the squid has no body, this part of the ocean drops off to about 10 feet right off of shore, or once again logic and reason lose.  Let's just choose B, which has at least a possibility of being true.

-  Looks like there's a full moon, and the Mox Boat is still out on the water.  I suppose it's too much to ask that Mox could turn into a werewolf.  God that would be sweet.

-  Ok, so they just found the destroyed boat from the opening scene, as well as the dead dude who it seems didn't get eaten.  Based on everything else so far, including the fisherpeople's complete disregard for science or facts, I'm going to predict that Mox tries to tell everybody it's a squid but the town's people and fishermen won't believe him.  Sort of like trying to talk to Dawger about Cal Ripken, actually.

-  Oh for christ's sake he's alive.  He's been out there at least a full day and night, and it's fall wherever they are (gotta either be the pacific northwest or the northeast) and it's cold because everyone is wearing stocking caps and big ole jackets, yet no ill effects suffered by being in the water 24 hours.  Nevermind, he only snapped awake long enough to cryptically say, "A monster...." and then died again. 

- So the sheriff, there's a female sheriff helping Mox if I forgot to mention that, is half-Injun, with a full Injun mother.  A minority sheriff on an island spilling over with racial tension and poorness?  It's like we're sitting on top of a powder keg here people, one little spark could cause an explosion the likes of which hasn't been seen since Nagasaki.  Powder.  Effing.  Keg.

-  Dawson - a marine biologist, mind you - is now researching the giant squid.  Using google.  I am 100% serious.  I'm just surprised they don't spring wikipedia on us too.  Actually, everything I've written on here before about giant squids is probably more scientificaly accurate, so maybe DWG will pop up on the Mox's computer.  His honey Darcy has been on here a couple of times.

-  Indian sheriff lady to Mox, "I'm heading over to the east shore to investigate a missing tourist, if you're up for it."  Mox, "I'm up for anything."  You sly dog.

-  Boring chit chat, minor flirting, bunch of drinks, sheriff let's her hair down and looks kind of hot suddenly, major flirting, Dawson accidentally starts a race riot between the indians and whiteys.  Yawn.  This might be the most boring one yet.

-  Some 700-year old man fishing finds a severed leg, which I guess is supposed to have come from the squid's first girl victim, confirming for the guy who had to raise her after his "Parents are gone, man!  They're gone and she's all I have!" that she is, in fact, dead.  Nice job raising her, paco.  Maybe you shouldn't let her go out on strange boats with Rapey McGroperson.  It's a fact that squid hate pre-marital sex.

-  Speaking of pre-marital sex, how hot was Courtney Thorne-Smith in Summer School?  Dear Lord.  Actually, that's a pretty good movie all the way around.  Plus Mark Harmon gallivants around the whole time with his chest hair hanging out.  You should probably rent it.   In case that's not enough from you, the chick who played Alotta Fagina and this chick are also in it:

-  Wait wait wait just wait a minute.  I have just learned, and there's a good chance they said this earlier when I wasn't paying attention, that they are actually on a freshwater lake.  So essentially, not only is this the first-ever freshwater squid in history, but it also happens to be a giant.  Dawson, of course, theorizes it could be an architeuthis, which is straight up incorrect because that is a genus of saltwater squid, and if they suddenly found a freshwater giant squid it would be a whole new genus and probably family and even order as well.  Hooray for science.

-  Mox just claimed that there are freshwater squid documented in Florida.  Hold on.

-  Hmm.  I found a site that has a whole breakdown of the history, physiology, and habits of a freshwater squid found in Florida called "The Mayfly Squid."  But I also found one that dismisses all freshwater squid talk as urban legends, dilluision, and wishful thinking, so I'm not sure what to think.  Unfortunately that already took like 10 minutes, during which I'm sure I missed several important plot points, so I won't be able to research further, lest I fall too far behind.

-  BACKSTORY - Injun sheriff lady saw her dad get killed by a giant squid all those years ago in this same lake, so now she holds a grudge and that's why everyone thinks she's crazy and that there's no squid here at all.  I think they did this with Jerry O'Connell's brother in that other squid movie I already blogged.

-  Holy crap was that awesome.  Some douchebag and his ugly wife were having a heart to heart about if they could stay on the island anymore what with the fishing sucking and no money and all that and in the middle of their sappy little hug and shit the squid attacked out of nowhere.  So awesome.  Of course, they got away after the dude sliced part of a tentacle off.  He then brought it to the bar, apparently the only one on the island, and showed everybody there saying, "The Fells Island Monster is real!"  Then everybody ran to get their boats to go after it.  Kind of like in Jaws when all the boats are around looking for the shark, but with more inbreds.

-  Then Dawson goes and finds indian lady (she wasn't at the bar, she was getting drunk at home) and drops this line, "We're gonna need two boats."  I can't decide if that's an homage or a rip-off, but either way it's his best line since "I don't want..yo' life."

-  By the way, it was total bullshit that the Twins didn't bring back Mo Sanford (whose page we sponsor at Baseball Reference) for any of the Metrodome festivities.  Total bullcrap.

-  There's been a god awful amount of lead up to this stupid squid.  It better be worth it.

-  I'm too tired to explain what stupid thing just happened, but let's just say it's impossible to see a giant squid in a tiny lake in the Pacific Northwest with a satellite.

-  So here's the big plan.  Mox and Injun Jane have their precious two boats, one captained by the redneck fisher dorks and the other captained by the Injuns, in a perfect display of the racial harmony and coming together that plagues low-rent, poorly written movies and they plan to net the squid between the two boats and "keep it at the surface so it's bouyancy sensors are disoriented and it will be helpless."  What?  I have no idea what that means, but it sounds a lot like the "if we turn on this strobe light it will make that shark jump in the air and we can ram it" plan from Jaws IV.  I'm just praying for this to end at this point.  Preferably with no boat ramming of any kind.

-  American Psycho is on IFC right now.  I actually own it on DVD, but I'm still quite tempted to flip over instead of finishing this.  Just 25 minutes left according to Tivo.

-  PRIVATE MESSAGE TO The Todd:  You mentioned on here once that there were some "adult" pictures of that chick from the Big Bang Theory.  I have been unable to locate.  Plz hlp.

-  The Squid is approaching.  Fisherman guy:  "That's no boat.  That's a space station."

-  Squid rammed Dawson's boat, somehow making the boat stop moving and creating more smoke than that time I tried to warm up a Wendy's Junior Bacon Cheeseburger while still in it's foil wrapper.  Man, was that a mistake.  Almost as bad as the time I tried to heat water in the microwave to make cup o' noodles for lunch, but I tried to warm it up in a cup that was partially metal.  Yeah, I'm not really all that great with microwaves.

-  Pretty sure A-Rod has shirked that "not clutch" label, yes?

-  I feel like this Live Movie Blog is devolving a bit, you?  The squid is attacking and there's a lot of yelling but I'm not really paying attention because I'm writing about my troubles with microwaves.  Speaking of waves, did you know if you turn your tv to a channel you don't get and you see that white static, a small part of those waves coming through are left-over from the Big Bang?  I'm totally not making that up.  Some dudes won the Nobel Prize for that.

-  The boat full of indians is the one what that got attacked.  There are no more indians now.  Squid boy did quite a number there, quite a number.  I think the plan of trapping the squid in a net between two boats is probably out the window at this point.  You know, cuz they only have one boat.

-  Wow, this baseball game just won't end.  Angels and Yanks heading to the 12th.

-  I'm not sure what the plan is now, but it appears to be:  fishermen hack at tentacles and then get eaten, indian lady gets her shirt wet, and Mox does something in the control room while never putting himself in danger.  Shit dude, that would be my plan.  Why would I give two shits about some rednecks and some red faces?  Let the squid be, my brother, let the squid be.

-  By the way, all we ever see of the squid are tentacles, which are clearly made out of plaster.  This is a real let down.  They didn't even bother showing the squid at any point.

-  Oh.  There it is.  Traditionally a giant squid is described as having eyes the size of dinner plates.  This one's are the size of a car.  But the good news is, it can be killed by some indian lady throwing a harpoon into it's eye.  Feels like a Nintnedo game, no?  Oh, the end boss is indestructible - unless of course you hit it in the freaking eye ball with a harpoon.  The same harpoon you had to get from the elvish king in the forest of enchanted unicorns by beating the cyclops, but only after you make sure and get the golden sword from the Dark Wizard of the forbidden cave.

-  OMG.  That's so dumb.  After the squid is dead, they go ahead and manufacture even more drama by having the indian lady have her leg get caught in the anchor rope of all things.  Dawson jumps in and saves her and then they make out in the water.  Her leg got caught in the anchor rope and pulled her over board.  Honestly I have no words at this point, so thank god that's the end.  Despite actually probably the best acting of any of these movies I've blogged on here, the plot and effects and writing were unforgiveable.  Not worth it.  Don't be brave and try to rent this.  I promise it's not worth it.  I've been putting off blogging "Giant Octopus vs. Mega Shark" because I know it's going to be a classic and I'm building up the anticipation, but I may need to turn to it next.  Check back next time.

Eh, Go Gophers!

Ok. Here we go. Not exactly the matchup I would like to see right out the gate but sometimes trial by fire is the only way to go. Let's just hope to God that we don't get destroyed by a bunch of fresh face freshmen from UND. SSF won't let us hear the end of it, which may cause me to jump out of a 9th floor window from the office. It wouldn't be the first time I've contemplated that.

I asked the The Todd if he wanted to come over and watch the game. He said he would be tooooooo drunk to drive over by game time. A true fan. Also, a true alcoholic.

1:36 in and we give up a dumb ass penalty. Congratulations, you were your ass as a hat. It's not a fashion statement contrary to what your friends say.

F me! F. F. F. F. F. Well, there it is. We go down 1-0 on the road to the Sioux. That is not good. Who the hell was that in front of the net? Way to clear the net. Bush, bush league. If you were a man I would punch you right in the mouth.

We get an interference call. Looks fairly week but we'll take it. There goes Snake Sr's man, Nico. Go Nico! Jackass.

I don't have a clue what our power play stats were last year but I do remember being very frustrated by how pathetic they looked last year. We are controlling the zone nicely but we aren't generating any traffic in front of the net, whatsoever. Everyone is out on the perimeter thinking they are going to snipe one. This is isn't bantam hockey fellas. Power play...dead. No shots on goal. I would say that is -3 on my weird ass point scale. -1 for the dumbass penalty we gave up, -1 for the not clearing the net, and -1 for no shots on goal during a power play. I am not optimistic at this point. I wish The Todd was here. He could get me a beer so I could keep typing and not get up. The only consolation I have is that he is probably sitting at home wishing someone would get him 13-14 beers.

"I might sit down and drink 30 beers in a sitting but I'm NOT going to chug this beer." - The Todd

Finally, commercial break. Bathroom break, beer.

We managed to kill off the penalty. That call was a little ticky-tack but whatever. As long as it goes both ways. Just like I like my girls.

Also, Woogisms. Let's keep track of those. It will make for a great recap of the season. I don't have any yet. If you catch one, post it to the comments PLEASE!

I think a quarter of these skaters played in the MN state hockey tournament last year.

How much trash is SSF talking at this moment. Dawg, I feel bad for you right now.

I suppose W has had about 3 cranberry vodkas by now. Very manly. I'm sure wonderbaby is embarrassed by this fact. I'm currently enjoying a high life light in a night camouflage can.

I love you Kangas! Great save. Defense, you are dead to me.

End of the 1st period. A good physical game so far. I expect things to slow down and teams to tighten up a bit. They cannot afford any penalties. Then again, based on the Gophers last power play the Sioux can hack away.

I should note that I feel like a complete dork right now. Sitting home on a Friday night blogging. What a damn dork. Whatever, I'm going out tomorrow night for what should be an epic bachelor party. Aren't they all though? Cast should include The Nut, The Todd, Snacks, and Klinger.

It makes me sad to have to watch Sioux fans enjoy a fine hopped beverage while at the game. Apparently the second level and Mariucci and the suites inside the new football stadium aren't "on campus" W T F. Cash rules everything around me. Nuff said. Well, only when the cash comes from Fortune 1000 companies. It's not good enough when it comes from the rest of us schleps.

This post is already too long and probably way too boring. If you've made it this far I probably owe you a beer or 10.

Simply embarrassing. We loose an edge in the corner, turn over the puck, odd man rush, goal. No back check, no hustle. SSF just peed her pants in excitement. Dawg has to change two diapers now. (I have no idea if that comment is relevant or not.)

The music at Ralphy leaves a little something to be desired. I enjoyed the Pantera fill in but "Put your hands up in the air" is where I draw the line. Let's do the chicken dance while we're at it.

First Woogism. In regards to Genoway. "Ya, he'd be all-world, if they were all 5' 10" and under." Sick burn, Woog. Sick burn. Too bad Lameriouoieoix just owned a gopher in the corner just before that.

Another power play for the Gophers. Down 2-0, this is a real test. We need to convert this into a goal, desperately.

End of the 2nd period. Gophers look slow and fat. Where are our forwards? At least Darby finally got a damn haircut and stopped looking like a petterass.

Woogism #2: "He's not the cream in the Oreo. Get him out of there."

Well the Gophers just crapped the bed. Giant ass Budish was in position to block the shot but instead provided a screen. No clue what was going on. Up until that piont, Kangas was looking great considering the number shots he has taken and the amount of time that was spent in our zone.

Ha! Correction. Now they have really done it. 4-zip. I think I'm done here.

Recap:

The Gophers looked overwhelmed, underprepared, and underconditioned. They were out skated, out shot, and out hustled to every loose puck. The defense was repeatedly out of position. The forwards were so quiet and worthless tonight that I couldn't even begin to give an assessment. They did absolutely nothing. The Gophers lost in every possible stat. I can't remember another game that they played this poorly. Lucia did not even begin to get these guys ready for this game. I'm really starting to wonder how much longer Lucia has here. The Gophers have top tier cake-eater talent and didn't do a damn thing. It's not going to be a good year for MN hockey. I'm hoping for a complete 180 tomorrow night but I'm not optimistic. Not at all.

WCHA Preview

This just came in via fax from Senior Snake, who is in a meeting but took the time to put this together any way.  As usual, I have no idea who any of these people are, but I'm sure Snake does and he's kind of a hockey savant, so I'd go right ahead and listen to him if you know what's good for you.

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The College hockey season started last weekend with a couple non-conference meaningless games.  The true kickoff to college hockey starts this weekend with several big games around the country.  None bigger than the lovable Gophers heading up to the University of We Hate Indians and Jews (UND).

Minnesota enters the 2009-2010 season with plenty of things to prove after a very disappointing 2008-2009 season.  The biggest disappointment from last year was not making the NCAA tournament with the regional being held at their home arena.  There has been plenty of BS printed the last couple of weeks about the Gophers being upset and embarrassed about last season.  To improve on last year the entire team stayed in the cities to work out and hangout together all summer.  I am not sure if it will make any difference, but it sounds good in the paper.

The biggest change to this years Gopher team comes from behind the bench.  Assistant coach Mike Hastings became the associate head coach at the University of Nebraska Omaha were he will work with the greatest coach in college hockey (and future gopher coach), Dean Blais.  Hastings was replaced with former Gopher great Grant Potulny.  Lets just say I am not a big fan of this move.  The first reason is Potulny has as much college coaching experience as I do.  Second, this now gives the Gophers an assistant with no experience and another assistant (John Hill) who is a complete worthless tit.  "Thanks again to Coach Hill for the backbone he showed last year in N. Dakota, Pussy!"  I also believe the only reason Potulny was hired was to silence some Gopher boosters.  Lucia has been taking a lot of heat the past couple of years for his failures in the playoffs.  Last year the boosters where really chirping after missing the NCAA tournament and because no member of the coaching staff was an "M" man. I am not sure what having a former gopher as coach really accomplishes but I guess it is important to the old guys who wear gold sweaters to games.

As far as the team goes, the Gophers should be good this year.  I am not ready to say they will be great yet, but they have a chance.  The biggest on ice question mark for the Gophers is in goal.  Kangas came into last season as the 2nd coming of christ, but better and without the stupid sandals.  He ended the year like every goalie since Travis Weber left and thats not good.  If the Gophers want to make the leap back to the promiss land Kangas needs to return to his old form otherwise it will be an up and down season that will most likely end in the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament.  Whats even worse is Kangas has no backup.  Patterson is just another average MN goalie.

The Gophers have plenty of talent and depth at forward this year.  They are led by all world forward Jordan Shroeder.  If Shroeder stays healthy and Jay Barriball finds a way to score those pesky open net goals, there is a good chance shroeder will break the 60 pt. mark.  If you haven't seen Schroeder play this will be your last chance because he will be in the NHL next October.  Schroeders line mates will be Barriball and Mike Hoeffle to start the year.  This has a chance to be one of the best lines in college hockey.  Hoeffle WILL replace Stoa's production.  After the first line we run into a lot of question marks.  There is plenty of talent and NHL draft picks, but none of the players have proven themselves.  There is a lot of chatter about players like Nico Sacchetti, Jake Hansen and Patrick White stepping up this year.  I have high hopes for Hansen, some hope for White and little hope for Sacchetti.  To be brutally honest I think Sacchetti sucks and I would rather watch Jumpers than Nico play.  I am actually looking for Ryan Flynn to have a big year for the Gophers.  I have always thought he looked good when he got the chance to play with descent players.  If he doesn't get stuck the Lucia and Carman all year I see him scoring 30+ points.  Book it.  Other forwards with a chance to contribute are Taylor Matson (my 2011 man crush), Zach Budish and Josh Birkholz.

One thing I am really excited for this season is the Gophers Defensive unit.  They have a great mix of size, strength and skill this year.  I am also excited because Anderson graduated and Kevin Wehrs will most likely play about 8 games all year!  David Fischer and Cade Fairchild should be the leaders of the D this year.  Fairchild has a great chance to be an All American if he reaches his full potential this season.  Fischer seems like he finally figures things out last year and no longer thinks he needs to prove he's a former first round draft pick. Aaron Ness and Nick Leddy have a chance to be the most fun defenseman to watch since Mike Crowley.  Leddy will be a stud in college and the Wild have already stated they don't want to sign him for at least another year.  Sam Lofquist and Seth Helgeson will add the muscle that the Gophers have been missing for a couple years.  Lofquist can be a bit of a clown at times but I think he is going to be a stud once he gets his head on right.  Lofquist is a big, strong, skilled defender who suppossibly has a much needed mean streak.  Brian Schack.  I have nothing to say about him but wanted to add his name for a very special someone.

Over all I really like this Gopher team.  I haven't been able to say that for several years now. Look for them to challenge for the league title and a top 2 seed in the NCAA tournament.  The regional is back in MN this year (Xcel Center) so things are looking good for MN.

DWG Predictions for WHCA Standings
1) Denver- Denver has everything needed to win the league.  Plus I give them bonus points because they hate North Dakota more than the Gophers. Joe Colborne should be a stud.
2) Wisconsin- This is probably to high but the return a great defensive unit.  Biggest question with Bucky is in goal and the sexual preference of there coach.
3) Minnesota- If they can get through the first 8 games with a good record they could finish higher.  They Play UND, Wiso and Denver all in the first 8 games.  Have I mention how good Jordan Schroeder is?
4) North Dakota- This should be about right for these hacks.  They lost a lot of talent and leadership from last year and have 10 frosh on the roster.
5) St. Cloud- Wild card team in the WCHA.  They have tons of offensive talent and have a highly touted frosh goalie.  Question for Suck Cloud is can they defend.
6) UMD- Lost their goalie and top forward but return some very good talent.  Frosh Dylan Olsen is suppose to be the cats ass.  They could also finish higher, but UMD always finds away to fail.
7) Colorado College- Lost everything worth talking about.  This might be high but the bottom 3 really suck.
8) Alaska Anchorage- They finally have some depth and experience.  Plus no huge issues in the program over the summer.  Push for the top half???
9) Michigan Tech- Probably to high but why not.
10) Mankato State- Stealing a bit from the common man here.  Bad team, bad uniforms, bad mascot, bad arena and retarded coach.  All this adds up to last place.

WCHA Player of the Year- Jordan Shroeder
WCHA Defender of the Year- Cade Fairchild or Ryan McDonagh
Frosh of the Year- Drew Shore, Nick Leddy or Dylan Olson
Coach of the Year- George Gwozdecky- Best team, hates all things UND including SSF and puts on a great show behind the bench.  Until Dean Blais is back in the WCHA George should win it every year.

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Thanks Snake.  No doubt Super Sioux Fan will be here shortly to disagree with everything you just said, and probably in a grammatically correct way.  Enjoy your stupid hockey with it's stupid fighting everybody.

NCAA Basketball Preview: The Big 12

There are two teams here that are clearly head and shoulders above the rest of the conference, but most of the rest of the conference's teams are no slouches following them.  Other than a couple of bottom feeders, almost everybody should be in the mix for an NCAA bid at some point. 

1.  Kansas.  There are some loaded teams this year, but it would be hard to argue that another team out there is as talented or as loaded as the Jayhawks.  They have it inside with Cole Aldrich, who makes my heart hurt every time I see him.  They have it outside with Sherron Collins, who transition from supporting player to lead-dog brilliantly last season.  They have experience, with everybody back from last year's Sweet 16 team.  They have youth coming in, with three very talented sophomores who should be even better this year, as well as one of the top recruiting classes in the country coming in, topped by SG Xavier Henry, Rivals #8 prospect.  They deep at every position, with 8 guys who averaged more than 12 minutes per game last season.  Simply put, there's nothing not to like about Kansas this year, as long as they don't get in any more fist fights with the football team.

2.  Texas.  One of the few teams in the country who can legitimately claim they might have a better recruiting class this year than the Jayhawks, Texas brings in two Top 10 recruits in guards Avery Bradley and Jordan Hamilton, and two others in the top 75 as well.  If that's not enough, PG Jai Lucas, a top 50 recruit when he originally signed with Florida, has transferred in and should fit in well since he won't need to score.  The Longhorns only really significant loss was guard A.J. Abrams, who you will remember as the Gopher destroyer, but I don't think that will hurt much.  In a couple of the games I watched last year, their offense would some times get caught up in trying to force him the ball, and that won't be a concern this year.  Like Kansas, Texas is loaded in every way and everywhere.

3.  Oklahoma.  It's always tough to start over when you lose a guy like the genetically engineered in a lab Blake Griffin, and the Sooners also lose their Cooper Manning in Blake's brother Taylor as well as starting guard Austin Johnson and his freaky-deaky mohawk.  So why pick them third?  Simple:  Willie Warren (who I actually thought was Johnson at one point, mostly because I liked the 'hawk) and a recruiting class right on par with KU and Texas.  Warren is a complete guard who can score inside and out, and managed to average nearly 15 points per game in a role where his job was to compliment Griffin (Blake not Taylor), with him turned loose this season, he could be a superstar.  Tony Crocker and his stupid long-sleeved T-shirt are also back to annoy you.

4.  Oklahoma State.  The Cowboys finally broke through last year, reaching the NCAA Tournament (and beating Tennessee) after three straight NIT trips, and their reward is losing their entire starting back court.  Luckily for them, they will have two of their top players back, both wing types in James Anderson and Obi Muonelo.  Anderson is really impressive, a 40% three-point shooter who is also nearly impossible to stop when he's driving to the basket and plays his best against good teams (his two highest scoring outputs last season were 35 against Texas and 37 against Oklahoma).  His 1/1.4 asist to turnover ratio is troubling, however.  OSU also has a good recruiting class that would have been better if their top recruit wouldn't have been bounced for academics.  Three of the newcomers are point guards and one of them will have to be able to step in for departed PG Byron Eaton - that could be the key to their season.

5.  Kansas State.  A few short years ago, K-State picked up Beasely and Billy Walker and was suddenly relevant to the college basketball landscape.  Huggins then bolted for West Virginia, Beasley and Walker headed to the NBA, and the Wildcats were in danger of sinking back into obscurity.  Luckily for them, it turns out Frank Martin is a pretty good recruiter, too, and he brings in a very nice class.  The star is Rivals #19 recruit Wally Judge, a 6-9 power forward who was named a McDonald's All-American and will make a big impact.  He's joined by two other top 150 guys, as well as UCONN transfer small forward Curtis Kelly, who was a top 30 recruit in 2006.  Add in a good returning back court in Denis Clemente (who dropped 44 on Texas last year) and frustratingly awesome point guard Jacob Pullen, who is equally likely to score 20, dish ten assists, or go 1-13 and turn it over seven times (which he did against Texas), and KSU is going to be an interesting team.

6.  Texas A&M.  Every year I dismiss the Aggies as a fluky school that managed to somehow wrangle an NCAA bid despite being mediocre team.  Then I was doing some research for this, and read that they have now made the tournament four straight years, winning at least one game each year.  It may be time to pay more attention - especially because they have top shelf recruiting classes coming in 2009 and in 2010.  The most exciting newcomer to me is Khris Middleton, although not the highest ranked (two other guys rank above him).  He's gone from a non-ranked player to breaking into the Rivals 150 (#140) after averaging over 24 points a game his senior year.  He's 6-7 and the reports I have read describe him as a "slasher", an "athlete", and a "terrific outside shooter."  Sounds outstanding - I'm giddy and I'm not even a fan.  I'm so excited, I'm actually going to give him his own label.  Look below, it's there.  I might even have to try to find him on facebook.  They also have improving center Bryan Davis back, mostly known for looking like an older Shelden Williams.  You read that right.
  
7.  Baylor.  Man did this team break my heart last year.  They were my secret bargain futures bet at 40-1 to win the whole thing, with a team loaded with good guards, everybody back from an NCAA tournament team last year, and just a good vibe.  They beat both Providence and Arizona State, and hung tough with Wake in an early season tournament and I was feeling it.  Then they won just five conference games and didn't even make the big dance, settling for an NIT bid whereupon they got their collective shit together and made it to the championship game.  Too little, too late, asshats.  Anyway, they lose two of their good guards but still have two more back, and they gain something they haven't had in years - a big time inside defensive presence in Ekpe Udoh, a transfer from Michigan who you may remember as offensively challenged but a very good shotblocker.  They will need someone to become a third scorer, but with two very good recruiting classes the next two years (and another on the way in 2010), they should be just fine.

8.  Iowa State.  The Cyclones have probably the best player in the conference back in power forward Craig Brackins, who averaged 20.2 points (2nd in conf.) and 9.5 rebounds (3rd) per game last season and was a near-lock as a lottery pick for the NBA draft before he surprisingly decided to return to Ames, which is even more shocking since it seems every season since Jake Sullivan graduated has seen a mass exodus of players every offseason.  Not this year, since almost the entire team returns and should be much improved this season.  They are also joined by a couple of top 100 JuCo players, although that list can be a mixed bag at best, but both are described as very athletic and one was a highly regarded prospect coming out of high school and the other was named the Big 12 Preseason Newcomer of the Year.  McDermott seems to have Iowa State back on the right track, especially if the hometown squad can snag Harrison Barnes away from Duke or UNC - which is starting to sound less and less likely.

9.  Missouri.  A very fun team to watch last year, and a pretty fun program ever since the days of Rickey Paulding and Big Artie, I'm not sure what to make of the squad this season.  With Coach Mike Anderson back, you can expect them to continue with the "40 minutes of hell" style game plan, but they will have to do without last year's top three scorers, including star forwards Leo Lyons and DeMarre Carroll who were not only good players, but also fit the system perfectly.  Luckily, they are getting back all their main ballhandlers, including starters J.T. Tiller and Zaire Taylor and add in the Missouri High School Player of the Year in Michael Dixon, so the backcourt is in good shape - key for an uptempo attack.  They will just need somebody to stand out in the frontcourt, and while there are plenty of candidates, there's no obvious option.

10.  Texas Tech.  Pat Knight has done a hell of a job breaking down what daddy built in Lubbock, getting to the point where he described going into games as "going to a gun fight with a squirt gun."  Ouch.  And since he hasn't done much in terms of recruiting talent, he's turning to the JuCo ranks this year, which should be interesting at the very least.  The Red Raiders are bringing in and expecting significant contributions from three Jucos who ranked in the top 33 on Juco Junction's Top 150, highlighted by #7 Brad Reese who had originally signed with LSU.  Will it work?  Who the hell knows, junior college players are always a crapshoot, but it's an interesting strategy, especially for a team with three double-digit scorers returning.  That group includes forward Mike Singletary, who notched two double-doubles as well as a 43 point outburst in the team's last four games last year.

11.  Nebraska.  I know virtually nothing about Nebraska basketball outside of that little weiner guard a few years back who spelled his name Cochrane or something but pronounced all frenchy, but that's ok, because in my experience people in Nebraska don't know much about Husker basketball either.  When I had to go to Lincoln a couple of years ago for work, I started talking with the guy I was meeting with there about sports and mentioned that without a pro sports franchise in the state and only one major university, U of Nebraska sports must be pretty huge.  He affirmed this, and then started talking about Nebraska football.  Then Nebraska baseball.  Then women's volleyball.  Then swimming, track & field, and softball.  Didn't even mention basketball until I asked him, and then he talked about Creighton.  So, yeah, 11th place sounds about right.

12.  Colorado.  I'm really struggling to write something positive here, but I can't seem to come up with anything.  I can't remember the last time the Buffaloes were relevant, and the that includes the recent few years when they had Richard Roby, one of the better Big 12 players in his years at Boulder.  There's a sliver of hope here, with a good returning backcourt in All-Big 12 Third Teamer Cory Higgins and returning double-digit scorer Dwight Thorne, and with almost Wolves' head coach Jeff Bzdelik on board you have to think he'll get the program turned in the right direction, as he did at Air Force.  But really, the most exciting news is incoming freshman Shannon Sharpe, who obviously has a famous name, but even better is described in Athlon Magazine as "a Youtube sensation."  I haven't bothered to look him up or anything, but man, that sounds cool.


Holy crap is this conference deep this year.  There are about nine teams here with a reasonable hope for an NCAA Bid.  I don't remember who they play in their cross conference challenge thing (gun to my head I think it's the Pac 10), but I bet they end up winning it.

Other Previews
Conference USA
Atlantic 10 
Mountain West 
Atlantic Coast

Iwanna Iwamura?

I received an email from super awesome reader Kate J. yesterday where she asked an interesting question,

Iwamura?  Do we want him?  (I do!)  He’s probably (maybe) going to be available.  He could potentially be part of the patch up for the left side of the infield, he’s not super Nick Punto-like and his defensive prowess is something to be admired.

 

Do you take the Crede/Harris until Valencia is ready approach or Iwamura at third until Valencia is ready and then transition Iwamura back over to 2^nd?

 

I think for the money Iwamura is a good option.

 

I am also in love with Jason Kubel—good to see some other Kubel lovers out there and to see former Kubel haters come around to our kind of thinking.

Mainly I find this intriguing because the times I've watched Iwamura play, I've liked him.  Of course, subjective opinions based on small sample size observations, despite being the main info sources for mainstream journalists these days, are not the best way to evaluate things, so let's take a look.

First off, he's under contract with the Rays, and they have an option for 2010 at $4.25 million, compared to his 2009 salary of $3.25 million, with the buyout at $250,000.  Based on the fact that Iwamura just missed half the season with a torn ACL, that the Rays are reportedly going to be over budget already next year, and that the Rays have other options including prospect Reid Brignac who are cheaper, I think the odds that they let him go are fairly good.

Iwamura was a .290/.355/.390 hitter in 260 PAs this year before getting hurt, and is a .281/.354/.393 hitter for his career (3 seasons).  These numbers rate him as an average major league hitter, and also average for his position in the AL in 2009.  What really stands out to me is a good average and a very good OBP - his overall numbers are dragged down because he doesn't have much power (14 career homers), although he did have 45 extra base hits in 2008.  Over a full season that .355 OBP would have ranked him 36th in the AL, and fifth amongst second basemen (just .002 away from 3rd).  He would certainly be an upgrade over Punto, whose .337 OBP isn't that far off but he is nowhere near Iwamura in average or slugging.  He's also a better hitter than Brendan Harris or Alexi Casilla.  Imagine Punto's patience, but with more hits and a lot more doubles.  This, I like. 

Fielding metrics aren't perfect, and we've been able to see how good Punto can be with our own eyes, but according to Ultimate Zone Rating (which I think is considered the best of them), he's comparable, though slighlty worse than Punto, and far better than Harris (who, by the way, is a much better defensive second basement than third basemen - nice job Gardy.)  In a trade off, Iwamura's offensive upgrade at second outweights the slide downgrade in the field, and he's an upgrade at third from Harris in both ways.

Perhaps most interesting, I found something at the wonderful Fangraphs.com that takes into account a players hitting and fielding, their position, how much better or worse they are than a replacement level player would be, the league's aveage salary, and computes what a player should be worth on the open market.  Interestingly, Iwamura comes out at $11.8 million in 2008, and $5.5 million in 2009 (for half a season, so double it to $11 million) - a veritable steal at his option of $4.5, not counting of course the risk of coming off a major injury.  According to this metric, Iwamura falls between Cuddyer and Kubel in his value - certainly someone the Twins should look at.

I have no idea what the market will be like, but I would much rather have Iwamura than Orlando Cabrera, if they end up at a comparable price.


Thanks for writing Kate.  I'm glad somebody pointed him out to me, because now I have someone to pine for the entire offseason.  Hopefully with the "new money" coming in from the stadium, they will at least take a look.  And as always, if any other readers ever have a question, shoot them on over to downwithgoldy@yahoo.com.

Oh, and I also had a dream last night where the converted Jason Kubel to a DH/8th inning relief guy.  He threw in the low 90s with a good slider and impeccable control and mixed in a knuckleball here and there.  I think this could happen.

I am back and I smell like Hippies.

Hey folks, hope you didn't miss me too much while I was enjoying a much-needed vacation in Portland, but I'm back and better than ever.  Or not, who the hell knows.  Before I get into the sports goings-on that I missed, let me tell you something about Portland.  It is full of two things:  1.  Beer and 2.  Hippies.  I only approve of one of these.

The beer is awesome, with Portland being just full of Microbreweries and a ton of Brewpubs.  Pretty much everywhere had a huge selection of local beers on tap (and always just one macrobrew), and even places like hotel bars had a selection in the double digits.  My favorite joint was a place called Henry's, which had 105 beers on tap, enough to make even Old Chicago feel embarrassed.  If you're ever in the Pacific Northwest, I highly recommend trying Mac and Jack's African Amber.  Very, very good.

The hippies were far less awesome, and they are seriously every where.  The problem is you can't tell the hippies from the homeless, and the city is overstaffed with both.  I saw some dirty person sitting on the ground with a cup in front of them and assumed it was a homeless dude, but when we got closer his cup was actually full of coffee and he was listening to an ipod.  So really he was just some dirty hippy sitting on the ground listening to his hippy music.  And every dude here either has those ear gauge things that stretch your ipod like some kind of African tribal shaman or is wearing a stupid looking hipster hat, and all the chicks here wear really tall socks with weird designs on them.  And they're proud of it, too.  There are signs and bumper stickers everywhere that say, "Keep Portland Weird."  Well you're doing a hell of a job.

Lastly, three quick recommendations if you are ever in Portland:

1.  Voodoo Donut is absolutely worth the hype.  The line was never shorter than a 15 minute wait, but like I said, worth it.

2.  If you like books, definitely check out Powell's City of Books.  It's the biggest non-chain bookstore in America, and they aren't kidding with the "big" part.  Imagine a Walmart, but on three levels, and all they sell are books.  It's huge.  There's like, a room for sports books, and a room for history books, and different rooms for each book subject, and they aren't small rooms either.  Very cool, and I could have probably spent a full day in there, no problem. 

3.  Rent a car and take a drive up the Columbia Gorge.  Very scenic and a really cool drive.  Thanks to a recommendation from my good buddy Tim Dogg, we crossed into Washington and drove up that side, stopped at Cape Horn to take some incredible pictures, then kept going and crossed back into Oregon at the Bridge of the Gods to head back, stopping in Multnomah Falls for lunch and a little hiking on the trails.  Good times. 

This concludes your travel guide portion of this post.

- Obviously the biggest news since I've been gone is the Twins getting bounced from the playoffs without so much as a whimper.  It wasn't exactly a shock, but it was definitely a disappointment.  There were plenty of opportunities in Game 2 and Game 3 to win, but thanks to Joe Nathan's batting practice fastballs they were swept and revealed to be exactly what we should have always known they were - a thoroughly mediocre team who got white hot at the same time as their biggest division rival commenced completely tanking their season.

Meaningful baseball in september and making the playoffs are always good things, and honestly I'm having trouble being at all negative about this season since I didn't think they had a chance to really beat the Yankees anyway, but it would have been really nice if they would have at least put up a fight.  I was really hoping for a split in New York and getting it back to the Dome with a chance to win two and take it, and it almost looked like that was going to happen, but unfortunately Nathan and A-Rod decided not to let that happen.  Second choice would have been to win both at the Dome after losing the first two in New York and getting it down to a 1-game toss up, but once again, it was not to be - although Pavano looked awesome for about five innings.

Obviously for me the biggest disappointment was Jason Kubel, who looked like he regressed back to two years ago when he had zero chance of hitting lefties and was nothing more than a fourth infielder type, not the top ten hitter in the league he developed into this season.

It's still too early to really think about next season, but the Twins should be similar.  Span-Morneau-Mauer-Kubel-Cuddyer is a very nice base to a line up, but there are plenty of other holes and decisions that need to be made.  I've warmed up quite a bit to Punto, but you can only have one of him in the lineup, not two or three.  I'd like to see Crede back, but only if he will sign for 1-year at $1 or $2 million, other to man third for 80 games again or, if Valencia is ready, to be an actual power bat off the bench - the Twins' pinch hitters this year were really sad.  I suppose bringing Cabrera back wouldn't be the worst thing, if he's cheap, and in terms of free agents I haven't really done any research yet, but if the Tigers let Polanco go I'd like to see them go after him.  I hear Chone Figgins name a lot, but I don't think that's possible.  He's going to have a lot of interest, and even in a down economy I expect him to get a pretty good deal.

As for pitching, if Slowey comes back all the way you have three pretty good young pitchers as your core, and that's not counting whatever you think of Duensing (optimistic) or Perkins (not optimistic).  I haven't thought to hard about if I want Pavano back, so that's a maybe, and I have no idea who might be available.  The bullpen is interesting because the numbers look pretty good, but I swear they suck.  Nobody typifies this more than Guerrier, whose numbers show he had an excellent year but I swear he got lit up every time I watched him hit.  I've heard talk of Nathan being washed up, but that's pretty retarded.  Who knows what happens with Bonser or Neshek and how they come back.  I know of at least one pretty big Twins fan (Snacks) who is convinced Bonser will be an absolute shut-down 8th inning guy.  We'll see.

Maybe the biggest question is what to do with the outfielders.  Kubel should be locked in as DH even against lefties, despite his struggles in the playoffs, which still leaves you with four outfielders for three spots.  Both Gomez and Young need a full year as a starter so we can really figure out what they can do, but with Span and Cuddy needing to be in the lineup that can't happen.  Maybe a trade.  They can't trade Gomez yet and Delmon's value is likely pretty low, so it might have to be Cuddyer.  His numbers show his value, but he has a big contract as well and is wildly inconsistent.  If you put Cuddyer together with someone like Morales or a minor league prospect, maybe that will get teams interested, who knows?  Could be an interesting off-season, or perhaps the Twins will follow the same model and do nothing except sign a couple of retreads and hope they stick.  The fact of the matter is, they need to get better.  A mid-eighty win team in the worst division in baseball isn't going to get it done. 

-  Finally, in case you missed it, my NL team, the Rockies, also got bounced thanks to a blown save by a usually reliable closer.  In this case, you are probably wondering who I am rooting for now.  I think my answer is "not the Yankees." 

College Basketball Preview: ACC

Remember at the end of the Mountain West Review where I said I was going to get less fact, number, and research intensive?  Yeah, I'm still going to keep that going.  It's much easier for me, and probably a better read for you.  Plus, it lessons the chances of me getting attacked by rabid fans of whichever conference I review, and my feelings are already a little bruised after a Dayton fan said I probably live in a trailer.  I'm still trying to get over that one.  Why don't people realize that words hurt?

1.  Duke.  More like Puke, am I right?  Seriously I hate putting these guys first, I just hate it, but I think they're the team to beat while the Heels figure out their new team.  In a bit of a switch, the Devils will be thin in the back court this season, with just Nolan Smith, Jon Scheyer, and graduated from high school a year early guy and big time recruit Andre Dawkins.  Luckily for them they have a whole bunch of big tall white guys who like to play on the perimeter and are comfortable handling the ball, as usual, so lack of guard depth shouldn't hurt in the half court, at least.  That group includes Kyle Singler, the preseason favorite for ACC Player of the Year.

2.  North Carolina.  Losing Hansbrough, Lawson, Ellington, and Green gives the Heels a lot to replace, but as you would expect there's a whole other group here ready to step in.  How good can Ed Davis be?  We'll find out.  I remember last recruiting season it was Ed Davis this and Ed Davis that and blah blah blah.  He will be counted on to be a big part of the offense.  The Heels recruiting class is loaded, with all five guys in the Rivals top 70.  Carolina will be loaded with big guys, with leading returning scorer Deon Thompson back, Davis, and three of the recruits 6-10 or bigger, headlined by John Henson who was described by Athlon as a "game-changing talent."  The key might be PG Larry Drew, the only real PG on the roster and a top recruit two seasons ago who was sheltered behind Lawson.

3.  Georgia Tech.  "Georgia Tech?" is probably what you are saying right now, but you best believe the Jackets are ready to make a run.  They bring in an outstanding recruiting class, including Rivals #3 overall Derrick Favors, a 6-9 center out of Georgia and the next Ralph Sampson III, as well as two guys the Gophers were looking at:  PG Mfon Udofia (#32) and Glen Rice, Jr. (#45).  With Gani Lawal's surprise decision to not enter the NBA draft and Iman Shumpert also back, the Jackets have as much talent as anybody (well, other than UNC or Duke).  Sadly, there is not a point guard from NYC on the roster, but one of the other newcomers this year is named Brian Oliver, so they got that going for them.

4.  Maryland.  Grievis Vasquez is still around?!!?!?!  Guy is on the Wade Lookingbill/Brian Cardinal program apparently - except he's talented.  Very talented, very good all-around player, and a flat-out stud, as shown by his triple-double against North Carolina last year, as well as several other near triple doubles.  The Terps have almost everybody back from last year, but don't have a secondary star to compliment Vasquez.  If one of the returners or top 100 recruit Jordan Williams can elevate their game to help him, Maryland might have a sweet 16 run in them.

5.  Clemson.  It's tough to know what to make of the Tigers.  Losing both K.C. Rivers and his-range-starts-when-he-enters-the-gym-type Terrence Oglesby weakens their perimeter, but they still bring back superstud post player Trevor Booker.  He can not only score, but he's one of the best rebounders in the country.  McDonald's All-American Milton Jennings joins up to help solidify the paint, but, like UNC, point guard play will determine how far Clemson can go.  Hopefully Oglesby enjoys Europe, his loss certainly weakens their hopes.

6.  Florida State.  Toney Douglas is gone.  Wow, how weird is that?  Dude seemed like he had been around forever, but I never got sick of him - now the Seminoles need to start life without him and they have a pretty good base to work from.  As usual they will still have a bunch of athletes, starting with 6-9 wing Chris Singleton and 7-1 beast inside Soloman Alabi.  Perhaps most exciting, however, is #7 recruit in the country Michael Snaer, a combo guard who was the California Player of the Year, will be lacing them up for FSU despite offers from UCLA and Kansas.  He should give Henson and Favors a run for ACC Freshman of the Year, and gives the Seminoles a chance to win on any night.

7.  Virginia Tech.  This is a team that I can see ending up higher than 7th, but right now I'm putting them here because this is where they ended up and I don't feel like cutting and pasting anything right now.  They lose their leading scorer in A.D. Vassallo, but returning guard Malcolm Delaney is a pimp and forward Jeff Allen is a beast down low, giving them an excellent inside-outside tandem.  The Hokies have been an NIT staple the last few years (other than '07), but if those two can get a little help from someone else the NCAA Tournament is certainly within reach.

8.  Wake Forest.  Last year the Demon Deacons raced out to a 16-0 record and a #1 ranking in the polls before coming back to earth and then flaming out in the NCAA tournament with a first round loss to Cleveland State.  This year they will have a tougher road ahead, losing their two leading scorers, James Johnson and Jeff Teague, off to the NBA.  Luckily, they still have hyper athletic and likely lottery pick next year Al-Farouq Aminu to work with.  They should be a very athletic team once again this year, but a mediocre recruiting class on top of losing their two studs means a step back.

9.  Miami.  I'm going to have to be honest with you here - I don't think I've seen a Miami game in two years.  Usually I've seen almost ever team, particularly from the power conferences, at least once or so a year, but somehow I've missed the Canes.  I know they lose Jack McClinton, who was their stud for a couple of years, and that certainly can't help.  The things I'm reading say that they have some pretty talented pieces and might be better than they were last year, but since I've never heard of any of these people I don't really know.  and I assume they'll lose a player or two to some sort of suspension since Miami is full of criminals.  Wow, I should really get to know this team better before they play the Gophers December 2nd.

10.  Boston College.  The Eagles were in a lot of ways a one-man show last season, and with Tyrese Rice now gone, some of those bit parts need to become major cogs.  BC does have two really interesting players, both oversized wing guys who can score inside or out in 6-8 Joe Trapani and 6-5 Rakim Sanders - who was a big part of their upset win of UNC at Chapel Hill last year.  Their issue is with lackluster post play, and with no new signees for this season they'll be relying on the same guys; foul-prone center Josh Southern and undersized PF Corey Raji, whose improvement might be the key for this season. 

11.  Virginia.  Tony Bennett is the new coach in Virginia, so you can expect the Cavaliers to get very slow and very boring in the near future.   For now, Sylvan Landesburg is an incredible player, but he needs a J.R. Reynolds to go with his Sean Singletary, or a Curtis Staples to go with his Harold Deane.  Yes, I'm trying to say he needs help.  Top 100 recruit Tristan Spurlock, a 6-8 wing from Virginia who was recruited hard by Georgetown, could be what he needs, but I don't see much improvement this year.  Bennett will make a difference, as boring as he his, but it will take time.

12.  NC State.  Man, has the this program taken a down turn in the last three years, and with their top three scorers gone to graduation it's not going to get any better this year.  Tracy Smith looks like he's going to end up being a very good player, but there's not much else here to get excited about.  Sid Lowe is still around, and he brings in good size and a couple highly regarded players in PF Richard Howell (Rivals #61) and C DeShawn Painter (#127), but took a big hit when PG Lorenzo Brown (#37) failed to qualify academically and had to go to prep school.  The school seems to believe in Lowe, and with girls like those above I doubt anybody is even paying attention to the court. 


So there you have it.  The ACC is always competitive, always tough, and always one of the best conferences in the nation and it should be the same again last year.  And with that I'm off to Portland for a well-deserved vacation until Wednesday, so I won't be around to either comment on the Twins/Yankees series or defend myself against the inevitable hate mail that will follow from this preview.  Hopefully Dawger, Snake, or Sidler will write a Twins post or two, but those guys are pretty much lazy sacks of crap who are borderline illiterate, so I wouldn't bet on it. 


Other Previews:
Conference USA
Atlantic 10 
Mountain West

I hope the Red Sox Lose

Sitting here at my parents' house (due to a flight tomorrow early and a babysitting issue we are spending the night over here) and having a nice glass of a fine Captain Morgan and taking in the Red Sox vs. Angels game.  Naturally, I hate the Red Sox more than I hate communists and  spiders combined, so I hope to hell they lose.  We're picking this up in the bottom of the third, tie ball game at 0-0.

-  By the way, since I'm here I saw my mother is currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover (the book).  Yes, I get it's supposed to be a classic, but of course I had to tease her about reading smut.  Somehow this led to my mom talking for like five minutes and using words like penis and phallus.  I think I need another drink.  A double.  Or triple.

-  Now she just used the C-word.  Not as a curse word, but explaining how they use "that word" a lot in her smut book.  I swear to god I'm not making this up.  And now I'm getting the whole synopsis of this book.  It's basically porn.  Some chick is married and screwing around but her husband told her to go ahead and get pregnant by some other dude.  I don't know.  I just came here to watch baseball, jesus.

-  Somebody's on second for the Angels with one out.  God please I need to change the subject of my brain.

-  Did  you know Jon Lester once had cancer and then came back and pitched a no-hitter? 

-  I should also mention my mom went to a wine-tasting tonight.  Now she won't stop talking.  I can't even concentrate on the game - I have no idea what's happening, but I can tell you that some daughter of someone my mom knows is not behaving very well.  I don't know.  I can't keep up with the stories.

-  Bobby FatBreau walks, putting two on and one out for Torii Hunter, my mom's favorite player of all-time.  So NOW we get to watch the game.  I see how this works. 

-  Now the conversation has turned towards my blog, and she said I really need to "clean it up."  Well F that.  How am I supposed to clean it up with all this smut talk she's throwing my way.

-  Hunter walks.  I don't think I've ever seen that before.  First time for everything I guess.  So now we're loaded up for Guerrero.  I haven't looked up his stats this year, but he used to be pretty awesome.  Time to break this game open Vladdy.

-  Vlad strikes out, swinging at three straight pitches and reminding me of Jose Morales.  He used to remind me of Kirby Puckett, now he reminds me of Morales.  I'm guessing he must have hit some sort of age wall here.

-  My dad now called to have me check the playoff tickets that came in the mail today and tell him what section and row, so I missed the first two outs but now Roided-Ass David Ortiz is up.  He hit no home runs early but hit 27 late, I wonder if he re-learned how to swing or if he started up another cycle.

-  I just checked and this was Vlad's worst year of his career and by a lot.  Also Ortiz whiffs.  My mom seems to be slowing down.

-  Did you know Vlad led the league in caught-stealing in 2002?  It's true.

-  I think Lester is wearing a Crain-necklace.  Probably why the ump just made a horrendous call against the Sox.  Kendrick on first and two outs and I think someone named Mathis is up.  He might be a catcher but don't quote me on that.

-  Well I don't know if he's a catcher but I know he sucks because he just struck out.  Lester is seemingly developing quite well, too bad the Twins couldn't snag him in that stupid Johan trade.  Yeah, that's working out beautifully.  Christ, the centerpiece of the Yankees offer was Phil Hughes and he's developed into a stud 8th inning setup guy - more than the Twins can say they got out of their actual trade right now, apologies to C-Go fans.

-  Did I ever tell you how I almost played softball with J.D. Drew.  True story.  It was when he was holding out and playing for the Saints, and he was staying at a hotel down town where my friend Bear was working and they kind of got to be buddies.  We were playing on the same softball team and Bear asked him if he would play with us, he said he would, but before we had our next game he finally signed and obviously couldn't play softball with a bunch of weirdos.  Frickin' Scott Boras.  One more week.  One more week.

-  Wait a minute.  They're shooting something into the moon tonight?  That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.  Or, more accurately, an unmanned spacecraft launched in June will finally crash into the moon tonight in an attempt to find out if there is water or ice under the moon's surface.  This seems pretty elaborate to test for something they could have found out with, you know, a shovel, in the 1960s.  I'm guessing this is cover because the government has found out the Ko-Dan Armada is preparing to attack, and this is a covert test of our outer space missile defense system (OSMDS).  You heard it here first.

-  It seems I'm not paying any attention to the game, but it's now the bottom of the fifth with 1 out, runners on 1st and 3rd, and your boy Torii Hunter up again.  And now he's no longer up because he just hit the longest home run of all-time to give the Angels a 3-0 lead.  Jon Lester:  he could beat cancer, but he couldn't beat Torii Hunter.  Also my mom would like you all to know that she loves Torii, even though he doesn't have the sweetest ass in the league.  That belongs to Johnny Damon.

-  People who don't love baseball are idiots.  Seriously.  I bet if you did a correlation study where variable a = IQ and variable b = love of baseball, r would equal like, 0.9.  For real.

-  Did you see my Rockies tied up their series at 1-1?  I'd report more on it, but the game was at 1:30 when I was at work because I have a real job.  Rockies guy, take it away.

-   I really didn't like On The Road.  Sorry Dharma Bum.  Sorry.  I also feel like I'm getting really random.  I think their might be some rum in this rum and coke.

-  Football and IQ is probably like a -0.8.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

-  Game update:  Angels up 3-0, bottom of the seventh.  Care level:  dropping.

-  Bobby Fatbreau is now 0-0 on the game with four walks.  God that gives me such a boner.

-  Hunter hit by pitch.  Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to do that when he was with the Twins? 

-  Good thing the Sux brought in Mendoza or Ramirez or whatever Mexican that was so he could walk, HBP, and give up a hit.  Bases loaded and nobody out.  Good night Boston, you freaking retahds.

-  Would you believe my parents down own a pizza cutter?  True story.

-  You know, Nick Blackburn is a better pitcher than A.J. Burnett.  Unfortunately, the Yankees have a much better offense than the Twins, obviously.  Just get a split in NY and let's get a little more dome magic, am I right?

-  Some japanese guy almost got out of the jam but then instead gave up a two run double.  So close.  My dad's home now.  He was at his bowling league tonight and then the bar.  I'll be sure to let you know if he says anything wacky.

-  Well now they're talking about my academic career and how I got Cs a lot because I would never ever hand in homework but would ace all the tests.  Yeah, a non-conforming genius who plays by his own rules.  What up, ladies?

-  We're now getting a rundown of the bowling league tonight, so instead I'll tell you what's funny about the guys who are already getting thrown out as possible Free Agent targets of the Twins:  Chone Figgins and J.J. Hardy.  Guess who two of the top Targets are of the Tigers, according to my Tiger fan friends?  Yep.  And if you don't think there's about 15 other teams with those guys on their radar, you don't know dick.

-  this game is lame, my parents aren't being funny, and I have to get up before dawn to head to the airport, so I'm going to shut 'er down.  Look for a scheduled post of an ACC preview at around 1:30 or so tomorrow, then I'll be back Wednesday - so no Weekend Review this week.  Hopefully you'll figure out a way to get over it.  [of course, as I sign off I hear not only my parents discussing the merits of Nick Punto, but also hear my dad go on an absolute rant about Cub being sold out of roasted and salted soynuts, so I may be missing out on the good stuff]