Thursday, October 8, 2009

I hope the Red Sox Lose

Sitting here at my parents' house (due to a flight tomorrow early and a babysitting issue we are spending the night over here) and having a nice glass of a fine Captain Morgan and taking in the Red Sox vs. Angels game.  Naturally, I hate the Red Sox more than I hate communists and  spiders combined, so I hope to hell they lose.  We're picking this up in the bottom of the third, tie ball game at 0-0.

-  By the way, since I'm here I saw my mother is currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover (the book).  Yes, I get it's supposed to be a classic, but of course I had to tease her about reading smut.  Somehow this led to my mom talking for like five minutes and using words like penis and phallus.  I think I need another drink.  A double.  Or triple.

-  Now she just used the C-word.  Not as a curse word, but explaining how they use "that word" a lot in her smut book.  I swear to god I'm not making this up.  And now I'm getting the whole synopsis of this book.  It's basically porn.  Some chick is married and screwing around but her husband told her to go ahead and get pregnant by some other dude.  I don't know.  I just came here to watch baseball, jesus.

-  Somebody's on second for the Angels with one out.  God please I need to change the subject of my brain.

-  Did  you know Jon Lester once had cancer and then came back and pitched a no-hitter? 

-  I should also mention my mom went to a wine-tasting tonight.  Now she won't stop talking.  I can't even concentrate on the game - I have no idea what's happening, but I can tell you that some daughter of someone my mom knows is not behaving very well.  I don't know.  I can't keep up with the stories.

-  Bobby FatBreau walks, putting two on and one out for Torii Hunter, my mom's favorite player of all-time.  So NOW we get to watch the game.  I see how this works. 

-  Now the conversation has turned towards my blog, and she said I really need to "clean it up."  Well F that.  How am I supposed to clean it up with all this smut talk she's throwing my way.

-  Hunter walks.  I don't think I've ever seen that before.  First time for everything I guess.  So now we're loaded up for Guerrero.  I haven't looked up his stats this year, but he used to be pretty awesome.  Time to break this game open Vladdy.

-  Vlad strikes out, swinging at three straight pitches and reminding me of Jose Morales.  He used to remind me of Kirby Puckett, now he reminds me of Morales.  I'm guessing he must have hit some sort of age wall here.

-  My dad now called to have me check the playoff tickets that came in the mail today and tell him what section and row, so I missed the first two outs but now Roided-Ass David Ortiz is up.  He hit no home runs early but hit 27 late, I wonder if he re-learned how to swing or if he started up another cycle.

-  I just checked and this was Vlad's worst year of his career and by a lot.  Also Ortiz whiffs.  My mom seems to be slowing down.

-  Did you know Vlad led the league in caught-stealing in 2002?  It's true.

-  I think Lester is wearing a Crain-necklace.  Probably why the ump just made a horrendous call against the Sox.  Kendrick on first and two outs and I think someone named Mathis is up.  He might be a catcher but don't quote me on that.

-  Well I don't know if he's a catcher but I know he sucks because he just struck out.  Lester is seemingly developing quite well, too bad the Twins couldn't snag him in that stupid Johan trade.  Yeah, that's working out beautifully.  Christ, the centerpiece of the Yankees offer was Phil Hughes and he's developed into a stud 8th inning setup guy - more than the Twins can say they got out of their actual trade right now, apologies to C-Go fans.

-  Did I ever tell you how I almost played softball with J.D. Drew.  True story.  It was when he was holding out and playing for the Saints, and he was staying at a hotel down town where my friend Bear was working and they kind of got to be buddies.  We were playing on the same softball team and Bear asked him if he would play with us, he said he would, but before we had our next game he finally signed and obviously couldn't play softball with a bunch of weirdos.  Frickin' Scott Boras.  One more week.  One more week.

-  Wait a minute.  They're shooting something into the moon tonight?  That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.  Or, more accurately, an unmanned spacecraft launched in June will finally crash into the moon tonight in an attempt to find out if there is water or ice under the moon's surface.  This seems pretty elaborate to test for something they could have found out with, you know, a shovel, in the 1960s.  I'm guessing this is cover because the government has found out the Ko-Dan Armada is preparing to attack, and this is a covert test of our outer space missile defense system (OSMDS).  You heard it here first.

-  It seems I'm not paying any attention to the game, but it's now the bottom of the fifth with 1 out, runners on 1st and 3rd, and your boy Torii Hunter up again.  And now he's no longer up because he just hit the longest home run of all-time to give the Angels a 3-0 lead.  Jon Lester:  he could beat cancer, but he couldn't beat Torii Hunter.  Also my mom would like you all to know that she loves Torii, even though he doesn't have the sweetest ass in the league.  That belongs to Johnny Damon.

-  People who don't love baseball are idiots.  Seriously.  I bet if you did a correlation study where variable a = IQ and variable b = love of baseball, r would equal like, 0.9.  For real.

-  Did you see my Rockies tied up their series at 1-1?  I'd report more on it, but the game was at 1:30 when I was at work because I have a real job.  Rockies guy, take it away.

-   I really didn't like On The Road.  Sorry Dharma Bum.  Sorry.  I also feel like I'm getting really random.  I think their might be some rum in this rum and coke.

-  Football and IQ is probably like a -0.8.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

-  Game update:  Angels up 3-0, bottom of the seventh.  Care level:  dropping.

-  Bobby Fatbreau is now 0-0 on the game with four walks.  God that gives me such a boner.

-  Hunter hit by pitch.  Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to do that when he was with the Twins? 

-  Good thing the Sux brought in Mendoza or Ramirez or whatever Mexican that was so he could walk, HBP, and give up a hit.  Bases loaded and nobody out.  Good night Boston, you freaking retahds.

-  Would you believe my parents down own a pizza cutter?  True story.

-  You know, Nick Blackburn is a better pitcher than A.J. Burnett.  Unfortunately, the Yankees have a much better offense than the Twins, obviously.  Just get a split in NY and let's get a little more dome magic, am I right?

-  Some japanese guy almost got out of the jam but then instead gave up a two run double.  So close.  My dad's home now.  He was at his bowling league tonight and then the bar.  I'll be sure to let you know if he says anything wacky.

-  Well now they're talking about my academic career and how I got Cs a lot because I would never ever hand in homework but would ace all the tests.  Yeah, a non-conforming genius who plays by his own rules.  What up, ladies?

-  We're now getting a rundown of the bowling league tonight, so instead I'll tell you what's funny about the guys who are already getting thrown out as possible Free Agent targets of the Twins:  Chone Figgins and J.J. Hardy.  Guess who two of the top Targets are of the Tigers, according to my Tiger fan friends?  Yep.  And if you don't think there's about 15 other teams with those guys on their radar, you don't know dick.

-  this game is lame, my parents aren't being funny, and I have to get up before dawn to head to the airport, so I'm going to shut 'er down.  Look for a scheduled post of an ACC preview at around 1:30 or so tomorrow, then I'll be back Wednesday - so no Weekend Review this week.  Hopefully you'll figure out a way to get over it.  [of course, as I sign off I hear not only my parents discussing the merits of Nick Punto, but also hear my dad go on an absolute rant about Cub being sold out of roasted and salted soynuts, so I may be missing out on the good stuff]

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Soynuts help produce manboobs, you must eat your weight in those things.