Saturday, October 17, 2009

I don't want.....your squid (Live Movie Blog)

It's been a while my friends, but I'm back with another live movie blog, and don't even try to pretend like you didn't miss it, because I know you damn well did.  After an excellent day of softballing, in which we played in the State Tournament and beat the #1 team in the state 10-9 in Game 1 and then kicked the crap out of a bunch of kids from the same high school I went too 20-3, I deserve a few drinks to relax.  Relax and watch an awesome movie.  This time we are going to take on another squid movie, which, after Kraken:  Tentacles of the Deep seems like a pretty stupid idea.  I am encouraged by this one, however, because it stars the one, the only, the magnificently cannon-armed, nimble-footed, Ivy League Smart Jonathan Moxon aka Dawson Leary aka James Vanderbeek.  Yes, I'm being serious.  For real, look it up.  He plays Dan Leland in Eye of the Beast (which is what I'm about to start watching).  That career is in rough shape, bro.  But Dawson was quite the movie buff, so he wouldn't star in a bad movie that totally lets me down, right?

-  Interestingly (well, more like predictably), this one starts just like Kraken did, with a couple trying to enjoy naughty time in a boat in the middle of the ocean.  She hears a noise, he says you're imagining things and tries for second base, she denies him and says she heard a noise again, he looks around and says there's nothing there, then they see an otter and assume that's what made the noise, and then they both get eaten by a squid.  Only difference this time?  The horny jock dude threw an empty beer bottle into the ocean first.  So Litter causes death.  Al Gore would be proud.

-  Oh, and also what tells me this movie is totally classy is that before the squid ate them, they were making out and it's tentacle came onto the boat and felt the chick's leg and she thought it was the guy trying to get to third base.  Classy.

-  Oh right, I haven't given the summary yet.  Here it is, "A scientist tries to stop a giant squid from killing residents of a small town."  Oof.  They didn't even make an effort.

-  That chick who got eaten apparently has no parents, and her brother is in charge of the family now.  I know this because he called the cops when she didn't come home last night and says things like, "She's my sister, man." and "Without mom and dad, I'm in charge of her now."

-  MOX!!!!  The Mox is here.  Sling that pill Mox, sling that pill!

-  He's got to be "the scientist" from the summary, right?  Also we just learned from a stereotypical creepy old man with an eye patch that this island (they're on a island, of course) is famous for the legend of the sea monster that patrols the waters around it.  And yes, Dawson is the scientist.  This movie is moving quickly.  Hopefully we get to the killins.

-  And he's got a beard.

-  Ah, we get a little backstory.  Dawson is there to figure out why there are no fish around the island and the fisherman can't make a living.  The fisherman are all bitter at the Indians, believing it is their fault since they can "catch whatever they want with no permits, some tribal right's crap."  Sounds like we'll get some good ole fashioned racism.  And for some reason that isn't explained, the fisherman are also mad at a scientist showing up - a scientist whose job it is to research the issues they are having and help them get back their livelihood.  Once again, logic and reason lose to a hastily written script - I assume scribed on either a napkin or some sort of cracker.

-  Did you know Captain Morgan is only 70 proof?  Real alcohol is 80 proof.  That really rocks my world.

-  Some poor dumb bastard just got eaten.  But he got eaten when he was standing on shore, and so the squid glided up to five feet from shore or so.  Meaning either the squid has no body, this part of the ocean drops off to about 10 feet right off of shore, or once again logic and reason lose.  Let's just choose B, which has at least a possibility of being true.

-  Looks like there's a full moon, and the Mox Boat is still out on the water.  I suppose it's too much to ask that Mox could turn into a werewolf.  God that would be sweet.

-  Ok, so they just found the destroyed boat from the opening scene, as well as the dead dude who it seems didn't get eaten.  Based on everything else so far, including the fisherpeople's complete disregard for science or facts, I'm going to predict that Mox tries to tell everybody it's a squid but the town's people and fishermen won't believe him.  Sort of like trying to talk to Dawger about Cal Ripken, actually.

-  Oh for christ's sake he's alive.  He's been out there at least a full day and night, and it's fall wherever they are (gotta either be the pacific northwest or the northeast) and it's cold because everyone is wearing stocking caps and big ole jackets, yet no ill effects suffered by being in the water 24 hours.  Nevermind, he only snapped awake long enough to cryptically say, "A monster...." and then died again. 

- So the sheriff, there's a female sheriff helping Mox if I forgot to mention that, is half-Injun, with a full Injun mother.  A minority sheriff on an island spilling over with racial tension and poorness?  It's like we're sitting on top of a powder keg here people, one little spark could cause an explosion the likes of which hasn't been seen since Nagasaki.  Powder.  Effing.  Keg.

-  Dawson - a marine biologist, mind you - is now researching the giant squid.  Using google.  I am 100% serious.  I'm just surprised they don't spring wikipedia on us too.  Actually, everything I've written on here before about giant squids is probably more scientificaly accurate, so maybe DWG will pop up on the Mox's computer.  His honey Darcy has been on here a couple of times.

-  Indian sheriff lady to Mox, "I'm heading over to the east shore to investigate a missing tourist, if you're up for it."  Mox, "I'm up for anything."  You sly dog.

-  Boring chit chat, minor flirting, bunch of drinks, sheriff let's her hair down and looks kind of hot suddenly, major flirting, Dawson accidentally starts a race riot between the indians and whiteys.  Yawn.  This might be the most boring one yet.

-  Some 700-year old man fishing finds a severed leg, which I guess is supposed to have come from the squid's first girl victim, confirming for the guy who had to raise her after his "Parents are gone, man!  They're gone and she's all I have!" that she is, in fact, dead.  Nice job raising her, paco.  Maybe you shouldn't let her go out on strange boats with Rapey McGroperson.  It's a fact that squid hate pre-marital sex.

-  Speaking of pre-marital sex, how hot was Courtney Thorne-Smith in Summer School?  Dear Lord.  Actually, that's a pretty good movie all the way around.  Plus Mark Harmon gallivants around the whole time with his chest hair hanging out.  You should probably rent it.   In case that's not enough from you, the chick who played Alotta Fagina and this chick are also in it:

-  Wait wait wait just wait a minute.  I have just learned, and there's a good chance they said this earlier when I wasn't paying attention, that they are actually on a freshwater lake.  So essentially, not only is this the first-ever freshwater squid in history, but it also happens to be a giant.  Dawson, of course, theorizes it could be an architeuthis, which is straight up incorrect because that is a genus of saltwater squid, and if they suddenly found a freshwater giant squid it would be a whole new genus and probably family and even order as well.  Hooray for science.

-  Mox just claimed that there are freshwater squid documented in Florida.  Hold on.

-  Hmm.  I found a site that has a whole breakdown of the history, physiology, and habits of a freshwater squid found in Florida called "The Mayfly Squid."  But I also found one that dismisses all freshwater squid talk as urban legends, dilluision, and wishful thinking, so I'm not sure what to think.  Unfortunately that already took like 10 minutes, during which I'm sure I missed several important plot points, so I won't be able to research further, lest I fall too far behind.

-  BACKSTORY - Injun sheriff lady saw her dad get killed by a giant squid all those years ago in this same lake, so now she holds a grudge and that's why everyone thinks she's crazy and that there's no squid here at all.  I think they did this with Jerry O'Connell's brother in that other squid movie I already blogged.

-  Holy crap was that awesome.  Some douchebag and his ugly wife were having a heart to heart about if they could stay on the island anymore what with the fishing sucking and no money and all that and in the middle of their sappy little hug and shit the squid attacked out of nowhere.  So awesome.  Of course, they got away after the dude sliced part of a tentacle off.  He then brought it to the bar, apparently the only one on the island, and showed everybody there saying, "The Fells Island Monster is real!"  Then everybody ran to get their boats to go after it.  Kind of like in Jaws when all the boats are around looking for the shark, but with more inbreds.

-  Then Dawson goes and finds indian lady (she wasn't at the bar, she was getting drunk at home) and drops this line, "We're gonna need two boats."  I can't decide if that's an homage or a rip-off, but either way it's his best line since "I don't want..yo' life."

-  By the way, it was total bullshit that the Twins didn't bring back Mo Sanford (whose page we sponsor at Baseball Reference) for any of the Metrodome festivities.  Total bullcrap.

-  There's been a god awful amount of lead up to this stupid squid.  It better be worth it.

-  I'm too tired to explain what stupid thing just happened, but let's just say it's impossible to see a giant squid in a tiny lake in the Pacific Northwest with a satellite.

-  So here's the big plan.  Mox and Injun Jane have their precious two boats, one captained by the redneck fisher dorks and the other captained by the Injuns, in a perfect display of the racial harmony and coming together that plagues low-rent, poorly written movies and they plan to net the squid between the two boats and "keep it at the surface so it's bouyancy sensors are disoriented and it will be helpless."  What?  I have no idea what that means, but it sounds a lot like the "if we turn on this strobe light it will make that shark jump in the air and we can ram it" plan from Jaws IV.  I'm just praying for this to end at this point.  Preferably with no boat ramming of any kind.

-  American Psycho is on IFC right now.  I actually own it on DVD, but I'm still quite tempted to flip over instead of finishing this.  Just 25 minutes left according to Tivo.

-  PRIVATE MESSAGE TO The Todd:  You mentioned on here once that there were some "adult" pictures of that chick from the Big Bang Theory.  I have been unable to locate.  Plz hlp.

-  The Squid is approaching.  Fisherman guy:  "That's no boat.  That's a space station."

-  Squid rammed Dawson's boat, somehow making the boat stop moving and creating more smoke than that time I tried to warm up a Wendy's Junior Bacon Cheeseburger while still in it's foil wrapper.  Man, was that a mistake.  Almost as bad as the time I tried to heat water in the microwave to make cup o' noodles for lunch, but I tried to warm it up in a cup that was partially metal.  Yeah, I'm not really all that great with microwaves.

-  Pretty sure A-Rod has shirked that "not clutch" label, yes?

-  I feel like this Live Movie Blog is devolving a bit, you?  The squid is attacking and there's a lot of yelling but I'm not really paying attention because I'm writing about my troubles with microwaves.  Speaking of waves, did you know if you turn your tv to a channel you don't get and you see that white static, a small part of those waves coming through are left-over from the Big Bang?  I'm totally not making that up.  Some dudes won the Nobel Prize for that.

-  The boat full of indians is the one what that got attacked.  There are no more indians now.  Squid boy did quite a number there, quite a number.  I think the plan of trapping the squid in a net between two boats is probably out the window at this point.  You know, cuz they only have one boat.

-  Wow, this baseball game just won't end.  Angels and Yanks heading to the 12th.

-  I'm not sure what the plan is now, but it appears to be:  fishermen hack at tentacles and then get eaten, indian lady gets her shirt wet, and Mox does something in the control room while never putting himself in danger.  Shit dude, that would be my plan.  Why would I give two shits about some rednecks and some red faces?  Let the squid be, my brother, let the squid be.

-  By the way, all we ever see of the squid are tentacles, which are clearly made out of plaster.  This is a real let down.  They didn't even bother showing the squid at any point.

-  Oh.  There it is.  Traditionally a giant squid is described as having eyes the size of dinner plates.  This one's are the size of a car.  But the good news is, it can be killed by some indian lady throwing a harpoon into it's eye.  Feels like a Nintnedo game, no?  Oh, the end boss is indestructible - unless of course you hit it in the freaking eye ball with a harpoon.  The same harpoon you had to get from the elvish king in the forest of enchanted unicorns by beating the cyclops, but only after you make sure and get the golden sword from the Dark Wizard of the forbidden cave.

-  OMG.  That's so dumb.  After the squid is dead, they go ahead and manufacture even more drama by having the indian lady have her leg get caught in the anchor rope of all things.  Dawson jumps in and saves her and then they make out in the water.  Her leg got caught in the anchor rope and pulled her over board.  Honestly I have no words at this point, so thank god that's the end.  Despite actually probably the best acting of any of these movies I've blogged on here, the plot and effects and writing were unforgiveable.  Not worth it.  Don't be brave and try to rent this.  I promise it's not worth it.  I've been putting off blogging "Giant Octopus vs. Mega Shark" because I know it's going to be a classic and I'm building up the anticipation, but I may need to turn to it next.  Check back next time.


Dr. Acula!. said...

The internet tells me that Jagermeister is also 70 proof.

WWWWWW said...

Weekend Review will be delayed this week. Playing 7 softball games in 9 hours doesn't leave a lot of energy for writing. I will try to get it up tonight. I'm sure you're heartbroken.

WWWWWW said...

I just realized I wrote "I will try to get it up tonight." How did nobody jump on that one? Does anybody read this blog anymore?