Friday, July 31, 2009

Squids Squeal? (Live Movie Blog)


Hello, and welcome once again to the idiocy that is a Down with Goldy live movie blog, this time taking on Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep. Your summary, via DirecTV: A Marine Archeologist and Sailors search for an artifact guarded by a Giant Squid. Well ok. Let's roll.

- We start out with a naughty couple making out on the deck of a sailboat, when they hear a noise. Girl, "What's that?" Boy, "Probably just the wind, let's make out." Note here folks, when you hear a noise in a scary situation and you're about to get some, it's never the wind. It's always a monster of some type. This is just common sense.

- Ok, horny couple has a kid, who just so happens to be reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. We are less than one minute in, and this is already the cheesiest movie I've ever seen. I haven't decided yet if that is a positive or a negative.

- Squid got the guy, but only by the ankle. He's still holding on to the mast or whatever it is they have on boats. Meaning a giant squid with the strength to take down a Sperm Whale (hee hee) can't separate some fat middle aged piece of garbage's grip from a boat. Oops, and there goes mom into the water. Less than five minutes in and two deaths. Solid.

- I should have mentioned that it is 1982 here, so that means the kid is going to end up coming back and being the "modern day hero." This movie is so cliche ridden it could be the next Scary Movie, if it wasn't taking itself so seriously already. Although the production designer's name in the opening credits is "Tink." I wish I was kidding. I suppose I wouldn't want my name attached to this garbage either.

- Apparently in the "present day" female marine archeologists, which I'm not quite certain are even a real thing, are quite busty and feel like the proper uniform for research is a skimpy bikini. I told you science was awesome.

- Chick with a giant rack in a bikini now reading off nautical coordinates. This might be my favorite movie ever. Not counting The Lost Boys.

- I recognize this main archeologist girl with the big rack. I'm going to see if I can figure out who she is.

- Ok, she was the female lead in the made for TV version of "Journey to the Center of the Earth" from a couple of years ago. I feel a little awkward admitting I watched that, so I'm going to distract you with this picture of her:

- They just told us the name of the artifact they are looking for, it's a Trojan War Mask, which if you know me in real life is all kinds of funny for reasons I'd rather not admit here. Aren't inside jokes the best. Also some old dude just got garroted by some kind of guide-wire for a sail in a freak accident. I'm guessing it's a curse. And then when he fell overboard he got eaten by the squid kraken. So in order to get the Trojan Mask of Death, you have to deal with a curse, a kraken, and some big breasts. And o dear god that's an O'Connell brother. Not the good one. Awesome just got awesomer.

- Speaking of awesome, my life got a lot easier as the big presentation and what not I have referenced on here went off without a hitch this week. A full on month of work boiling down to 55 power point slides and an hour long presentation, and I nailed it like I nailed your mom. Sometimes I'm so awesome it makes me feel sad for other people.

- FYI, I have a non-sexual man crush on Romany Malco, who you remember as "that black guy from 40-year old virgin." You racist son-of-a-bitch.

- Oh crap, not the good O'Connell is going to end up being that kid who is all growns up. God this is awful.

- Average rating for this on IMDB = 3.9 out of 10. Seems high.

- That O'Connell guy's character's name is Ray Rider. Ray freaking Rider. Who wrote this, a team of 13-year olds and/or Michael Scott?

- This weekend is the start of shark week on discovery by the way. Too bad that doesn't mean dick anymore. Shark Week used to mean a whole assload of new shows with new footage and a bunch of very awesome stuff, but now it's just discovery taking their "popular" shows like Mythbusters and Junkyard Wars and shoe-horning in a shark theme. It's gone commercial and sold out. I barely even look forward to it anymore.

- Oh for christ's sake the squid just roared. It roared. Why must everything roar. It's the bane of my existence. If I was LIU, it's my Miles Tarver. Also I've had a couple of beers to celebrate my awesome meeting that I kicked ass at earlier this week.

- There was just a lot of dramatic music, but I'm not sure anything actually happened. That hot chick is in a wetsuit and hyperventilating, so I'm going to assume she must have seen the Squid. Or O'Connell's penis.

- I just read that the Pirates would have taken Aaron Hicks straight up for Freddy Sanchez. Since Hicks has slowed in his development and is hitting just .216 at A ball this year, and we have a ton of outfielders + Ben Revere in the minors, and we would have gotten 2 years at least of Sanchez, wouldn’t you have made that trade? Maybe I should just be happy they did anything at all, but if that's all it took to get Sanchez, coupled with how easy it turned out to get Cabrera, why not get both? Harris is your utility guy, and then take your pick of Punto/Casilla/Buscher and ship the other two to Rochester.

- Well they got their Trojan Mask. That Squid isn't much of a guardian. New troubles are arising, however, because we just saw a second boat pull into view with a bunch of evil looking people all dressed in black. I'm going to guess, based on this movie's complete dependence thus far on stealing formulaic elements from every other movie, that these are the bad guys.

- Some rednecks are now out fishing at night. This has nothing to do with anything, except I'm guessing they can't figure out a way to have the Squid kill more people that fits in with the plot, flimsy as it is. Sorry rednecks. Although this would actually be a pretty good idea in real life. Kill all useless rednecks. Sorry Snake.

- I think I've mentioned this here before, but Rick Reilly used to be a really good columnist when he wrote for the back page of Sports Illustrated. Now, however, he's some kind of combination of Pat Reusse's lack of research and Sid Hartman's senility, culminating in this column about how Tiger Woods needs to stop getting angry on the golf course. My god, what a woman. He swears, he slams clubs, it's corrupting all our children. Shut up. Just shut up and stop being such an idiot. He's allowed to show emotion. I could write on and on about this but it would basically just me calling Reilly an idiot a whole bunch of different ways, so I'll stop.

- I think the bad guys just recruited big boob archeologist's deckhand to do something nefarious. Not sure what exactly, but they beat him up, then threw an envelope of money at him, and then asked "Are we clear?" So expect some ninja type sabotage in the future.

- NOTE: Every time the Trojan Mask has changed hands, it's been associated with a major marine accident. Also Not Jerry O'Connell just confirmed what I had feared - he is indeed the little boy from the opening scene. WHAT A CRAZY PLOT TWIST!

- Yep, big boobs' boat just blowed up. Now she, the other big boob girl, and Not Jerry O'Connell will have to team up with the bad guys in black who apparently have some kind of connection to big boobs. Also I'm not sure why they are still there since they already have the mask, which is what they wanted in the first place. I hate it when I try to make sense out of this crap.

- There is also a big fancy rich Opal down in this same shipwreck where the lady found the mask, and that's what the bad guys are trying to find. The good guys were trying to find the mask, which they already found, and their boat got blowed up, but they are not only still sticking around, the O'Connell character just bought a brand new boat (I'm assuming with the money Jerry got from Can't Hardly Wait). Also the good guys aren't going to have to team up with the bad guys at all. I lied.

- FYI - Earlier tonight we were watching BB gun pitch, and Mrs. W goes "Is that Nick Blackburn?" I said yes and she sighed in a very sexual way. Damn.

- Jerry O'Connell's brother now thinks this isn't a giant squid at all, it's the mythical Scylla from the Odyssey, and it's still around guarding the opal which I guess they must have mentioned earlier but I missed it, probably because I was counting the dots on my ceiling or mentally going over possible new Twins' batting orders or something more entertaining than this.

- Scylla just ate the girl on the evil team. That's too bad, this is her:


- It took three people to write this. Three. I wonder how long they argued about which movie cliches to put in. Although one of the writes has also written Mammoth (about an unthawed Mammoth that terrorizes New Orleans) and Gryphon (about, naturally, a Griffon (spelled correctly). You got to like that commitment.

- The opal is a translucent blue, even though Opals are supposed to be white. Hooray.

- A bunch of people from both teams went diving and there was a bunch of horrible shaking cameras and some people shot other people with harpoons and some people got crunched by Scylla and I think I saw somebody get stabbed with a knife. I'm not sure. It was hard to figure out what was going on there, especially because the Squid kept making squealing noises like a pig that kept making me black out with rage. It looks like the archeologist with the giant rack and the fake O'Connell are both still alive, as is big rack girls' friend, big rack #2, the lead old man bad guy, and his #1 henchman, who is naturally a Russian. The bad guys have the Opal and rack #1, while O'Connell and rack #2 have the mask. I think.

- Wait. The bad guys have both racks, the Opal, and the traitorous deck hand. On that note, I still don't understand why the bad guys blew up the good guys boat, especially because the old guy said, "if it wasn't for [traitor guy], we wouldn't even be here right now." But the only thing traitor guy did was blow up the boat, which didn't help the bad guys find the shipwreck. Confused? I sure the hell am. I'm drunk and all, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have a clue whats going on either way.

- It's going to be very interesting watching Peavy once he gets back from his injury and now on the White Sox. Not only is he going from the NL, which is weaker and has pitchers bat, to the AL, but he's also leaving Petco Park, the most pitcher friendly park in the majors to U.S. Cellular, a hitter's park. Add in the pressure of a pennant race, and we'll find out how good Mr. Peavy is in a hurry.

- Now the Squid is ramming the boat, which, just like squealing like a pig, is complete normal Squid behavior. Oh, right. This isn't a normal giant squid, it's Scylla from 1,000 BC, still hanging around and guarding some random wrong colored Opal, even though the Opal is now gone and so is the mask. Yeah, awesome, right? And how come we still use BC for dates? I thought we had separation of church and state? This is probably all the republicans fault.

- Jerry OConnell's little brother to the rescue! He's now on the bad guys ship, and is being like Stephen Seagal in Under Siege. See, what really makes some of these movies go straight to hell is when they are too shitty to make the creature the antagonist, and instead have to toss in "bad guys" to play that part. The squid in this movie has come in second to the good buy vs. bad guy conflict, and that's retarded because nobody watched this movie for that garbage. I want to see some kind of kick ass creature kill a bunch of fools. I don't need your subtext of a plot, just give me a scary monster and some blood. Sharks in Venice suffered from this same disease (and also had the worst brother in a family). A giant creature movie writes itself, no need to get cute - especially when cute = retarded.

- The last remaining bad guy held rack #2 hostage, but then the squid grabbed them both and chopped them to bits with it's apparently razor sharp suckers. Then it attacked the boat where Oconnel and rack #1 were hanging out. They are the last two left, so I'm guessing they live and win and get rich and make babies and all that jazz.

- Where the fuck did they get a machine gun?

- I guess a machine gun cuts through a squid like a hot knife through a squid. Movie ends with the "Opal" on the sea floor surrounding by squid babies. SEQUEL!!!!!!

- Formulaic at times, down right confusing when they tried to get more interesting, but overall not the worst movie I've live blogged here (which still doesn't mean it was anywhere near good). Overall I prefer my krakens to look like this:

but whatever. Don't rent this. Or watch it on Sci Fi SyFy.