Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Tuesday's Rage

I feel compelled to write tonight as an outlet for my rage - rage against stupidity and failure to not be an idiot. I left work late tonight, and was already in a pretty good lather due to co-worker incompetence and some stupid ass parade that went on for five hours down town and forced me to listen to marching band music the entire time while in my giant office with a giant window because I'm so awesome. Marching bands infuriate me, so I wasn't in a good mood heading home and wasn't helped by the massive herds of massive hippos waddling into the metrodome to watch the Twins suck and refusing to get out of the crosswalk or even stop to consider anything regarding the laws as they pertain to pedestrians.

Anyway, I was already in a bad mood, and then I hear Gordo ask Danny-boy Gladden, "The Twins were swept four straight games by the Yankees earlier in the year, do you think they are looking for a little payback here?" Naturally, since I'm not an idiot and I pay attention to the home town club, I knew that at the very least Joe Nathan had said, "We need some revenge", which I had read not only in the linked article but had also heard straight out of Nathan's mouth on the radio. You'd think the radio announcer or color man or resident white trash retard or whatever you want to call him would pay a little attention, but instead we get, "I guarantee you there isn't a single player in that clubhouse who is thinking about revenge." I shit you not. He guaranteed it. A statement that is completely and 100% falsifiable with just a modicum of research, and it's guaranteed. I have no idea why that hack has a job announcing baseball games. If I hear something insightful out of him it will be the first time.

Then, just to add insult to injury, here comes a radio interview with Twins' resident media whore Mike Cuddyer. The question? "The Twins have been playing much better recently than they were the last time these two teams met, what has changed?" The answer from Cuddy Bear? "Nothing's changed. We are just playing better now and not making the mistakes we were making earlier this season." lka;jdf;lsa hgoigh. THOSE. ARE. CHANGES. The definition of changes. You just said nothing has changed and then told us two things that had changed in the SAME SENTENCE. Doesn't this crap bother anybody else? Is it that I'm mad, or is it the rest of the world that is stupid? Isn't that like saying "I'm not gay, I just like giving dudes oral and taking it from behind?" Seriously?

Finally, just to make sure my head explodes, Coom-doggie gives us this on the TV box, "Sabathia is one of those pitchers who if you don't get to him by the fifth, he's pretty much unhittable." Guess what his two worst innings are? Yep, the fifth and sixth. Of course. What else would it be? Now, granted, his point isn't terrible, because Sabathia over his career is pretty much unhittable once he gets to the 7th, 8th, and 9th, but after everything else I had to deal with today, it's the last straw. I've decided to deal with my rage/depression by drinking heavily and blogging about less offensive sports.

- First up, a little bit of a scouting report from an informer who was at the Howard Pulley games last night, in the form of two text messages:
TEXT 1: “U r gonna love this cobbs kid!!! Royce and Rodney combo. Wow”

TEXT 2: “Nvmd. Wrong kid. Cobbs not here. But the kid I thought was him is a freak lol.”
So there you go. We here at Down with Goldy are always striving to bring you the most accurate and up to date information. Glad to help.

- Secondly, I want to recognize with some propers our very own Rockies guy, who called out a Loooooooooooooooong time ago (back in April somewhere, I can't find it) that Jason Marquis was the man. A couple of nights ago Marquis became the majors first eleven game winner, so I'm inclined to agree with Senior Rockies. And since I'm not a retard who judges pitchers solely on wins, I should add he also has a good not great ERA of 3.61 and a WHIP of 1.29. Those are decent numbers on any squad, but for a dude who pitches approximately half his game in Coors he's having a very good season.

Rockies guy also said that Clint Hurdle was the worst manager in the majors next to Gardy, and after canning Hurdle's ass the Rockies have been on fire, bringing their sorry asses back over .500 after starting the season 18-28. Todd Helton is having another solid season (sorry Rockies guy, I know you hate him but it's true), Brad Hawpe is suddenly one of the better hitters in the NL, and Jason Hammel is looking like a future star since being plugged into the starting rotation. The Division is probably too much to ask for being nine back already, but they're just two games out of the Wild Card. I'd expect to see them make the playoffs so Helton can suck again and break everyone's heart one more time.

- Oh hey, speaking of retards who think wins are the best way to measure a pitcher's ability, check out his quote from Joe Morgan's chat today on ESPN, "The name of the game, people always want to forget, for pitchers is wins and losses. If you beat a team 1-0, as he did recently, or 5-4, it doesn't matter. If you win, that goes on the team's side of the victory column. I'm not so much for a guy that has a low ERA and a losing record. That tells me that the other pitcher pitched better than he did, because that team scored more runs." On a single game basis? Yes. For a season? This is what sucks about Firejoemorgan.com going out of business. I really don't have the energy to tear this one apart too much, but here's a simple quiz.

Which pitcher would you rather have on your team in 1992?
A. Jim Abbott, 7-15 with a 2.77 ERA
B. Jack Morris, 21-6 with a 4.04 ERA

If you chose Morris, please chainsaw your own face off (yes, that means you Dawger).

- On a non-sports note, Mrs. W and I recently started renting the HBO Series True Blood, and I have to say it is awesome. It's set in Louisiana, in a world where Vampires have revealed themselves to the general public, and just want to live amongst humans in peace (well, some of them, at least - there are still evil ones). It is masterfully written and very well acted, and to say I'm smitten with female lead Anna Paquin is a major understatement. I recommend this highly. Very highly. And here's a picture of the lovely Ms. Paquin, if you need extra incentive (plus it's on HBO, so it's boobs all over the place:

- A new list of all-time disappointments now needs to start with Rangers' 1B Chris Davis. I mean, sure, it's early and he's only 23 so it's probably too early to judge, but I'm going to anyway.

After a rookie season last year that saw him knock seventeen dingers in just 295 ABs (and a respectable .285/.331/.549) and saw him become THE NEXT BIG THING. Unfortunately, he kept the power this year but lost everything else (15 homers but .202/.256/.415) and a lead leading 114 Ks (in 258 ABs). He was sent down to AAA this week to "get things together." When a guy has a strikeout of an unheard of 44% and doesn't walk very much, he's pretty much screwed. When he can't hit the ball, it's even worse.

Davis's contact rate (% of balls swung at and made contact with) was all of 58%. To give you an idea of how awful that truly is, here is a distribution of all major league players' contact rates, with Davis included:

I'm not going to sit here and explain just how bad that is. If you don't get it, I'd rather you don't even read this blog to be honest with you. Simply put, he's three standard deviations away from the mean, which means 0.1% of all players in history have put up this kind of contact rate. I feel pretty good just giving up on him. Plus, bonus, he was on my fantasy team this year. Go me.

- Speaking of prospects flaming out, the Twins signed some dude from Germany who is apparently a pretty big deal. I've never heard of him and know nothing about him, but with a name like Max Kepler he sounds like a pretty solid Nazi. Super Sioux Fan and the rest of South Dakota or North Dakota or wherever she's from should be pretty stoked.

- The last thing I want to mention is a quick little update on WonderbabyTM, as I know I have been lacking in that lately and I'm sure you are dying to know what's up. Well, WonderbabyTM has joined her first organized activity, a tumbling class at which she excels and is already a supremely gifted athlete. You can fully expect her to not only be the first female major league pitcher, but also the first pitcher to play a position on her off days. I will leave you with a picture of the most beautiful child of all time doing her gymnastastics:

Ok not the last thing. You should also look at this awesome fish I caught this weekend. I'm awesome at everything. You should try it sometime. Life is much easier for me than you.

And that's the second biggest fish I've caught this year. Recognize.


Dawg said...

Yes, I would take Jack any day over Abbott. Not because of the win total but because he has two functioning hands. The cripple can go to hell.

PS That bass is like 2 lbs, Grace has caught bigger fish then that.

snacks said...

Yeah Dawger, WWWW is not much of a fisherman as you can tell. He gets pretty excited about medium sized fish. My wife actually caught a bigger bass this weekend - and I'm not sure which one of them was screaming more as they reeled in their respective fish.

snacks said...

Oh, but at least he's better than Optimator who was 0-for thursday night and friday afternoon.

goldybobblehead said...

a. True Blood is amazing and I am glad season 2 is finally here.

b. You need the Awesomeness motivational poster from How I Met Your Mother in your awesome office.

Optimator said...

Greatest quote to date on DWG.

"If you chose Morris, please chainsaw your own face off (yes, that means you Dawger)."-WWWWWW

Not sure how the mechanics of chainsawing off your own face works but it would make a great scene for one of your cheesy b-level horror movies.

I didn't use any live bait like you tools. Otherwise I would have had at least 1 catch. Also, 2for gave me his busted Jawbreaker because it was clearly defective. I say return it.

Anonymous said...

Not only is it a small fish, but you're holding it like a pussy. If you're going to take the time to photo it, do it right. A proper photo would have added another pound and saved you some humiliation.

P.S. Don't give me the "it was taken on a cell," not an excuse.

Anonymous said...

Mike and Mike in the morning were making a case, all be it without much effort, for "the knuckler" Timmy Wakefield to start for the AL in the All Star Game. Femmy Mike stated that he has the most wins and should get a look but fatty Mike said he shouldnt even be considered with Halladay and Greinke in the mix. Even a full time sports whatever on the largest sports network cant see past the whole Wins and Losses arguement. sad

Anonymous said...

WWWWWW, You should have let Moma W hold that fish. I am guessing her wrist is a whole lot less limp than yours. Snacks, W doesn't need a confidence boost. Call it what it is, a small fish!

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