Hola from Los Angeles!

That means "The Angels" in Spanish.  You're welcome.  I've written from LA many, many, many times and I got to say, it's still a weird place.  The people all wear weird hats and everyone has sunglasses and fancy shoes and their clothes look weird.  The hotel bar has like, The Big Bang Theory on instead of the Monday Night Football game, most of the cars cost more than my house, and there's more movie billboards than you could shake a stick at and they're all bigger than my house.  Then when I first got here we went for a light breakfast and I ordered two eggs (over easy) and bacon (NOT extra crispy) and when they brought it out they brought it out with a ramekin of ketchup.  Ketchup.  Why on earth would I need ketchup for that meal?  It's probably some proto-hipster thing that is just on the coast right now and will make its way to the midwest in a year or two.  Weird place, but not in that charming way Portland is weird.

-  I'm not sure how long I'll be with you tonight, it's been a long day.  I had to get up at 5am to head to the airport, followed by a 3.5 hour flight into LAX.  Got to the hotel at 10 (12 your time) and of course my room wasn't ready, which I expected, but they said they'd rush it so I could get in the room before I had to head over to the HQ for meetings because I'm a high roller like that.  After my breakfast which should have been ketchup free I got up to the room for an entire 15 minutes.  Then came 4 hours of meetings.  We did get a 2 hour break after that but I used a good chunk of it walking to the grocery store to get booze for the room (actually grabbed a bottle of wine to go with the beer because I'm classy that way) which was about 6 blocks away in 95 degree heat (and what the fuck LA?  You're supposed to be good for three things:  making movies and tv shows, awesome sushi, and being 80 degrees everyday).

Then came dinner at Pink Taco which was fabulous.  Endless pitchers of margaritas, family style food consisting of some weird avocado salad, some kind of excellent chicken skewers, corn tamales, cheese quesadillas, pork burritos, carne asada tacos, churros, and topped off with a shot of some very good tequila.  I'm still not sure why I did that shot but whatevs.  Also pretty solid cleavage on the waitress.  All in all an A+ meal.  So anyway it's 9:18 out here which means it's 11:18 back there which means I'm sitting at about an 18 hour day right now.  I'll try to cram in a bit more, but only because I love you.

-  College basketball magazines are starting to come out, and of course I didn't wait for the good one (Athlon) or the decent one (Lindy's) but instead grabbed the first one that was available from the Sporting News.  Big mistake.  First thing I did was flip to the Gophers, and what do I find:

Omg Sporting News is stealing my bit! pic.twitter.com/0MiFHXXXlh
— Down with Goldy (@DownwithGoldy) September 10, 2014

And it just gets worse.  Well actually not worse because that's impossible but just bad.  The team previews are terribly written and don't go into any kind of depth.  Then they have this thing where they give you the "difference maker" for each team which is a good idea, but then they name the team's best player nearly every time.  Sure, sometimes it makes sense as Andre Hollins (Austin's bro) and Branden Dawson for MSU are probably their team's best player and both probably will make a huge difference to their team's success depending on how they play.

But for Penn State they have D.J. Newbill.  For Nebraksa is Terran Petteway.  Indiana is Yogi Ferrell.  I mean, you pretty much know what you're going to get here.  The difference maker should be somebody like Ross Travis for PSU (if he can learn to give them another scorer), Tai Webster for Nebraska (they need someone to become a good point guard to make another leap forward), and basically anyone else for Indiana since Ferrell is the only known quantity.  Seriously this probably is really whiny but it just feels like they made no real effort.  And before you say anything I'm allowed to make very little effort since I'm just a poor crappy blogger living in his mom's basement.

-  Also, and I know this kills you since I've called the college basketball champ both of the last two years, but I don't have a call yet.  I was all over the SMU train, and loaded up on them at 33-1 to win the whole thing, and then that son of a bitch Emmanuel Mudiay decides to go play over seas.  What a jerk.  SMU was set up perfectly:  tons of returning talent from a good but not great team, good experience, returning starters in the front and back court, and getting a big time scorer transfer in Justin Martin.  With Mudiay they were getting that big time talent who could put them over the top and carry the team when needed.  But now he's gone and SMU is just another team hoping to make the Sweet 16.

-  I know you've all been waiting to hear what I have to say about the whole Adrian Peterson situation.  Here it is:  just kidding.  Seriously I didn't start this blog a million years ago to talk about icky things that are actually controversial and you have to have real feelings about.  I started it to talk about who sucks and who is awesome.  So that's what I'm going to do instead.

The one guy who has really popped for me this NFL season so far is Le'Veon Bell.  There is no doubt in my mind he's the next great running back in the league.  He's like a new version of LeSean McCoy.  He's got that same elusiveness and quickness with the ball, good speed, and can catch which makes him that much better.  If you're in a fantasy keeper league, go get him.  Do it now.

Also awesome is Gio Bernard (just a step below Bell), Darren Sproles (just thriving in that role), Frank Gore (does this guy ever age?), Carlos Hyde (just biding his time), Matt Ryan (he's back), Philip Rivers (just keeps humming along), Derek Carr (going to be a good one), Calvin Johnson (duh), Dez Bryant (also duh), Andrew Hawkins (haven't actually seen him since he's on the Browns but I hear good things), Brandon Marshall (still unstoppable), Steve Smith (Flacco has complete radar lock), Markus Wheaton (could be a star in a year or two), and Julian Edelman (he's boring, but he's being Wes Welker and doing it quite well).

The people who suck are Matt Cassell (duh, #freeteddy), Brian Quick (no, he's not a thing), James Jones (just no), DeAndre Hopkins (if Andre Johnson would just stop we could see what we have here), all Tennessee WRs (who knows who is good there from week to week?), Dwayne Bowe (it's over), all New York Giants (that offense is so gross), DeMarco Murray (hot start won't last), Chris Ivory (no idea how he has so many yards), Zac Stacy (going to lose that job by week 8), Bernard Pierce (what a terrible back-up plan), Bishop Sankey (when you can't beat out an old Shonn Greene oof), Steven Jackson (just waiting for one of those two donkeys to grab the reins), Tony Romo (should be better for the 20th year in a row), Ryan Tannehill (perhaps that leap isn't coming), Josh McCown (if you didn't see this coming you're stupid), and Jason Witten (is he suddenly too old?)

-  So how about that Big Ten football?  Oof.  If you're the kind of person who follows college football you already know this, but it's been a brutal year for the Big Ten football player guys.  Just this weekend alone Maryland lost to West Virginia, Indiana lost to Bowling Green, Iowa lost to Iowa State, your Gophers got rolled by TCU in a game that wasn't nearly as close as the 23-point margin, and Illinois got crushed by Washington.  The week prior Purdue got beat by Central Michigan, Northwestern was dropped by Northern Illinois, Michigan and Michigan State were non-competitive against Notre Dame and Oregon, and Ohio State got dropped by Virginia Tech.  I'm not a big college football guy, but I know the Big Ten has a terrible reputation in relation to the other major conferences lately, and this ain't helping.

-  I was going to do that fun thing where I look at the NBDL draft this year and laugh at who all got drafted, but it turns out the draft hasn't happened yet.  So instead I looked back and the 2013 draft and I think it's getting worse or something because I've barely heard of any of these guys and I pay way too much attention to college basketball.  Out of the 17 first round picks (what kind of league has 17 teams?) I could only tell you about 8 of the guys without cheating - James Johnson (wake), Quincy Douby (rutgers but hasn't he been out of school for like 5 years? What are the rules of this draft?), Pierre Jackson (baylor), C.J. Aiken (st joe), DeAndre Liggins (kentucky), William Buford (osu), Bo Spencer (nebraska), and Dario Hunt (nevada, not as good as his name sounds).  The second round is even worse.  Ryan Evans (wisconsin) got drafted (not joking), plus two guys with busted knees (Reggie Jackson, miami and Abdul Gaddy, washington who should have been the next circus ball captain), and a guy who couldn't crack the lineup at Arizona in four years (Kevin Parrom) plus a whole mess of guys I've never heard of.

I swear this thing used to be more fun and full of guys where you'd say "yeah, I could see him cracking an NBA rotation."  Now it's a bunch of guys I've barely heard of with no shot and guys like Salim Stoudamire and Ricky Davis (yes that Ricky Davis) are getting drafted and yes I'm serious.  And suddenly it goes from 17 picks per round to 8 picks in the 7th and then 4 picks in the 8th.  This draft makes as much sense as ketchup with eggs and bacon and it's making me cranky and tired.  I'm leaving.

Monday's Musings

I promise that I plan to get back to doing the week in review type posts every Monday, but Easter weekend was hectic as all hell and by the time I finally got to sit down on a stupid computer it was late Sunday and I just didn't have the energy or care enough to slap together something.  Plus, that wouldn't live up to the fine tradition I've started here of high quality postings every single time.  I couldn't possibly betray you that way, gentle reader, so I just didn't type up anything.  Instead I'll just put together my thoughts into this evening's post.  Just like this:

-  Tip o' the ole cap to our buddy Grandslam for bringing this to my attention, but guess how much money Kyle Lohse is going to make this year.  Go ahead, guess.  You're way low.  It's $12 million.  Nope, not in his career, but this year alone Lohse will make $12 mother-effing million dollars.  And in 2009 and 2010 combined he made about $16 million to deliver right around a combined 200 below-average innings to the Cardinals.  This, my friends, would be why you don't suddenly throw a 4-year, $41 million extension at a pitcher with a history of mediocrity simply because he has one slighly above average season, especially when advanced metrics can tell you, if you take the time to put down the binoculars and game worn miniature scorebook pencil, that he was a little bit lucky and you can fully expect him to regress back to the same mediocre pitcher.

Now Lohse is off to a 3-1 start and coming off a gem of a 2-hit shutout against Washington (WASHINGTON!!), and has a low ERA and WHIP, but honestly you don't need advanced metrics to tell you he's not that good (note:  he's been very, very lucky so far).  He's an average pitcher at best who has just enough of a live arm that he's going to jump up and give you a good start or two here or there - he did it for the Twins, he did it for the Phillies, and he's done it before for these very same Cardinals.  But guess what?  There's not a chance in hell he's worth $12 million.


Want to know the best part?  When they extended him they also gave him a full no-trade clause.  L-O-freaking-L.  Who's running this team, McHale?  I'm expecting another extension any day.

-  And since we are on the subject of former Twins' pitcher who define mediocrity (or worse) guess who currently has a no-hitter through five innings against the Yankees?  Phil freaking Humber.  I know there's no way this can last more than another batter or two, but could there possibly be a bigger kick in the nuts?  Player acquired for former superstar who the team couldn't afford to keep who washes out pitches a no-hitter for a hated division rival against the old team's arch nemisis that's bounced them from the playoffs the last three times they've been there?  Honestly, the only way you could possibly make this worse is to have it be a playoff game.  But yeah, this will do.  Ouch.

- Greivis Vasquez plays a meaningful role for the Grizzlies?  I had no idea (but I guess why would I when it pertains to the Memphis NBA team).  I've been watching this game for about four game minutes and he's hit two buckets as well as a three-pointer.  I think he might be MVP.

-   Humber now through six.  Still hitless.  If he can get through the seventh (Granderson, Texeira, A-Rod) he'll have a chance.  Of course, that still lives Cano.  Wait.  I got it.  He's going get all the way to the last out, which will be Jeter.  Jeter will break it up. All announcers/journalists everywhere will collectively mess their shorts to race to their typewriters to write up an article about how tough he is and his intangibles.  One journalist will out-crazy them all by writing about how he believes "some part of Jeter really didn't want to break that up, because he knew what a great story it was, but he's such a competitor that the though of lying down never crossed his mind."  Book it.

-  I just realized A.J. Burnett is on the other side of this, and he's only allowed 2 hits and one run.  This is like bizarro-world.  There must be a five-hundred mile per hour wind blowing in, the infield grass must be three times longer than normal, and whoever is umping home plate obviously is calling everything a strike tonight.  That has to be it, no?

-  Moment of silence of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, who died nine years ago today.  You may remember her as the crazy as shit broad from TLC who burned down Andre Rison's house, but what you might not remember is that Andre Rison died exactly four years ago today.  Creepy, right?  But I should mention that I actually have no idea if Andre Rison is dead or alive, and if he is dead he probably didn't die on this date.  But he could have, and that's creepy.

-  I just read that a judge or something lifted the NFL lockout.  I'm not going to lie to you.  I have no idea what this means.  All I know is I want scab players in at least one NFL game.  Come on.  Tell me you don't want to see Adam Weber throw a TD pass to some 33-year old slob who was selling cars or schlepping concrete last year.  How much fun would it be to go through the rosters and see guys you remember as the third WR on Michigan in 2002 and be all like, "Ronald Bellamy!  I remember that guy!  He's a fag!"  Seriously, it would be like Christmas.

-  A-Rod breaks up the no-hitter with one down in the 7th.  I feel both relieved and saddened at the same time.

-  That Joe Mauer/Troy Polamolu commercial creeps me out.

-  I know what you're wondering.  You're wondering what's going on with the NBDL right now.  Well I'll tell you.  They've reached the finals (which is a best of three affair) and the Iowa Energy are up on the Rio Grande Valley Vipers after taking game one by a score of 123-109.  Iowa was led by Curtis "The Curt Man" Stinson who notched a triple-double (29-10-10).  Also apparently Stinson was MVP of the D-League.  How proud of that would you be?  I'd say it's kind of like getting into Harvard and getting a communications degree.  I mean, it's better than slinging crack or living off welfare, but even so you gotta feel like you didn't quite get everything out of life that you maybe should have.

-  I don't know how anybody could root for the San Antonio Spurs.  You have the world's most boring superstar surrounded by a bunch of commies and some ooh la la frenchman who probably smells like Drakkar.  Gross.

-  Speaking of Drakkar, Memphis is about to be up 3-1 on the Spurs tonight and I can't help but a feel a bit of a pang of jealousy.  I know this would be their first playoff series win ever, and they picked up their first playoff win ever earlier, and I also know the Wolves did have that nice run the conference finals, but Memphis being successful when the Wolves are in the pooper makes me, and baby jesus, cry.  How can Zach Randolph become a leader?  How can a backcourt of O.J. Mayo, Mike Conley, and Tony Allen do, well, anything?  And the Wolves are not just worse, but significantly worse.  That feels like a place to end.  Plus I have to go stab myself in the temple with a crossbow quarrel, but before I go I want to leave with this piece of wisdom...."The eyes are the groin of the head."

-  Wait, I just realized I didn't even put a picture in here. So here's a pic of Alison Brie. Top 10, easy.  Should also drive some traffic because cash money ya'll.

California Love

Now let me welcome everybody to the wild, wild west, a state that's untouchable like Elliot Ness
The track hits your eardrum like a slug to your chest, pack a vest for your jimmy in the city of sex.

By the way, that means I'm in Los Angeles for work.  Which also means I couldn't attend nor watch the Gopher game last night, but it looks like the Gophers went with their standard operating procedure of sucking for the majority of the game and falling behind to a far inferior opponent, and then turning it on in the second half to cruise to a win that looks a lot easier than it really was.  That's all well and good, but if they are still doing that crap once the Big Ten season gets underway it's going to get ugly in a hurry.  Maybe Nolen can fix all that, maybe not.  We're going to find out.

-  No real exciting meals to report.  Well, actually I had one of the best burgers in the history of burgerdom last night at a place in Hollywood called Lucky Devils.  Kobe Beef burger (medium) with lettuce, onions, and some kind of home made secret sauce.  Outstanding.  And the rosemary garlic fries were out of this world.  Although I think Elk, who I am out here with, made the best call of the night (besides the restaurant) going with the Diablo burger, which was a spicy version of what I had.  I had a chance to try their hot sauce and it was really, really good.  I should have ordered that.

Later in the evening we hit up an establishment called the Pig and Whistle for a couple after-dinner drinks and ended up having one with a Michael Jackson impersonator - unless it was really him and the whole "death" thing was a sham.  Stranger things have happened.  Or not really, I guess.  That would be pretty strange.  In any case it was a bit of an unusual occurrence.  But now I'm in the room with nothing but a few Coors Light silos to keep me company, so let's see what things are going on.

-  Jesse Crain to the White Sox, huh?  And Guerrier to the Dodgers, but that doesn't interest me nearly as much since Crain is going to the most hated rival in the world.  They pretty clearly overpaid, but Crain showed just enough in the second half of last year when he started using that slider all the time where I'm pretty nervous to be facing him in the division.  Will he give up tap measure home runs?  Of course.  But the first time they bring him in to face the Twins in the 8th and he shuts them down 1-2-3 I'm going to die a little inside.

-  And speaking of free agents, this Cliff Lee to the Phillies thing is really unfair.  I know the Giants won the series this year with a combination of insane pitching and Buster Posey and that's it, but the Phillies actually have an offense.  Howard is going to hit 40 bombs, Victorino has developed into one hell of a hitter, and Utley and Rollins are great hitters for their positions, even if they were a bit off last year.  I know Werth is gone, but it doesn't really matter who plays left or center or third or whoever the hell their catcher is.   And their only going to have score 2-3 runs a game to win most of the time, and they won't even need a bullpen because Halladay and Lee are just going to pitch complete games every time out anyway.  Halladay, Lee, and Oswalt are all in the top 14 in active complete game leaders, and that includes ancients like Tim Wakefield and Jamie Moyer.  Actually, Halladay is 33, and amongst pitchers 33 or younger they rank 1, 5, and 6.  Ridiculous and basically just unfair.  The over/under for their season wins is going to be like 110.

-  Oh, and if the Twins trade for Joe freaking Blanton and his Nick Blackburn-like career 1.34 WHIP I'm going to drive down there and maim somebody.  Why make a trade for a fifth starter when he's worse than whoever you call up from triple A?  Come on geniuses, don't be stupid.

-  Of course, this is not my first time in Los Angeles for work.  Prior to this I was introduced to the weirdness of everybody in the city trying to get a movie produced, and before that I was lucky enough to become good friends with Larry David and learned a little about women.  L.A. is weird, but I always have a good time.  Plus, I was in a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode that time with my good friend Larry.  You can actually see my bald spot in the scene.  I'm famous.

-  Interesting week in college hoops so far.  Three teams who I don't think anybody was super sure what to make of (Louisville, Tennessee, and UNLV) all went on big runs early, picked up huge wins (Louisville over UNLV, Tennessee over Pitt, and UNLV over Wisconsin and Va Tech), got themselves highly ranked (Tenn #7, UNLV #20 , L'Ville #20) and then all crashed and burned this week.  Louisville got beat at home by Drexel, Tennessee got beat at home by Oakland, and UNLV by Santa Barbara.  But no real worries, because they're all still better than Gonzaga who is an absolute nightmare right now.  They're going to end up scrambling to even sniff an at-large bid.

-  In case you're wondering what's going with the world's worst shooting guard, Scottie Reynolds was picked 13th in the first round of the NBDL draft by Tulsa, who then immediately shipped him off in a trade to get of his stink.  Since play began he ranks 19th in scoring (behind guys like Pat Ewing Jr. and Roderick Wilmont), and 19th in assists (behind guys like Curtis Stinson and Luke Jackson).  Nicely done.

-  Speaking of the NBDL draft, other picks of interest:
First Round:  Alan Anderson (Mich State like 100 years ago), Robert Vaden (UAB), Magnum Rolle (LA Tech - love this guy).
Third Round:  Lawrence Westbrook (averaging 7 pts, 2 rebs, 2 asts per game with Maine)
Fourth Round:  Derek Raivio (Gonzaga, the living clone of the Professor)
Fifth Round:  Daniel Horton (Michigan, this guy sucked)

And that's it.  Every year I think there's going to be a bunch of funny in this draft, and every year it turns out I've only heard of a handful of guys.  And I know way too much about college ball to not know who this many guys are.  So where are these guys coming from?  Some secret basketball concentration camp?  This is bullshit.

-  John Shurna tonight:  28 pts, 4 rebs, 2 assists, 3 steals, 3 blocks, 1 turnover.  That's 64 fantasy points, baby.  And guess whose got 'em?

-  Shelden Williams is still in the NBA?  What the hell?  The guy's offensive game rivals Miles Tarver and his defensive game is what I imagine Blake Hoffarber would look like if he was taller and blacker. 

-  You ever just sit around wondering who the top scoring Big Ten college basketball players would be in a Bi g Ten fantasy league (pt = 1pt, reb = 2 pt, assist = 3 pt, block or steal = 4 pt, turnover = -2 pts)?  Well wonder no more.  The top ten in our league:
1.  Jon Leuer, Wisconsin
2.  Darius Morris, Michigan
3.  Trevor Mbakwe, Minnesota
4.  Jordan Taylor, Wisconsin
5.  Blake Hoffarber, Minnesota
6.  Draymond Green, Michigan State
7.  Jared Sullinger, Ohio State
8.  JaJuan Johnson, Purdue
9.  Demetri McCamey, Illinois
10.  E'Twaun Moore, Purdue

It's worth noting I have none of those people, and also - not coincidentally - I'm the only team that's 0-2 thus far.  Also props to Snacks, Bogart, Snake, Dawger, Elk, Grandslam, and Optimator.  I sent an email one random morning asking if anybody wanted to do fantasy Big 10 hoops, and by that afternoon we were in round 3 of the draft.  Nice work, gentleman.

-  By the way, yes, that's Blake Hoffarber at #5.  He's having a hell of a year.  14.8 points per game (13th in the B10), 4.9 assists (3rd.  THIRD!!), 3.5 rebounds (39th), and 1.7 steals (5th, and wow) all while shooting 40% from three (leading the conference in both makes and attempts) and turning it over just 1.6 times per game despite being the defacto main ball handler.  Actually, he's been efficient enough on offense to rank #63 in kenpom.com's offensive efficiency ranking, which may not sound that great but keep in mind there are 340-some teams and this ranking includes all those dudes from smaller conferences who dominate.  In terms of Big Ten players, he ranks behind just Jon Diebler, John Shurna, Jordan Hulls of Indiana, and Jordan Taylor.  Combine fantasy points, which shows he's putting up numbers, and efficiency rating, which shows he's, well, efficient, and you could make a case for him to be behind just Taylor as the most valuable player in the Big Ten this year.  I can't believe I just typed that sentence.  I'm now going to pull my fingers off with bolt cutters.  Which I just happen to have here in the hotel room.

I haven't been to New Jersey in a while. I haven't missed it.

Sorry I haven't posting while out here in Jersey so far this week, folks, but each night when I got back to my hotel room I was just plain tuckered.  The first night the plane didn't land until 7:30, and after the hour drive to the hotel we had dinner (cajun chicken sandwich, fries) and then I finally got to my room about 10.  I didn't want to start drinking since I had a long day the next day, and god knows the only way I can get up the effort to type on this stupid blog is if I'm into a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine.

And boy was I right about a long day.  A scheduled eight-hour meeting just kept going and turned into a ten hour meeting, which meant there was no break before dinner.  And wow.  This was a 3.5 hour dinner, no joke.  Everybody there had to order every course.  First, we had to get appetizers for the entire table (calamari, prosciutto, grilled shrimp, eggplant, brie bruschetta, mozzarella), then salad (I had a ceasar), main course (cajun rib-eye, roasted squash, whipped potatoes - and that rib-eye was not cajun in the least), and then everyone just had to get desert (I almost got a port, but since I had to drive went with the creme brule).  Then when I got to the hotel, I had emails waiting for me with questions that needed answering that night, so needless to say blogging was out of the question.

Tonight, however, I am on my own and the only thing I have to accomplish is getting on a shuttle to the airport at 9am tomorrow, so I can have a little time for just me and you, my old friend, just me and you.  I had a nice simple dinner (bacon cheeseburger, onion rings) with a couple beers and a couple cocktails (vodka & tonic), and picked up a six-pack of Coors Light Silos on my way to the hotel.  So let's see what we see, shan't we?

-  For some reason the internet is telling me the Gophers are up just 32-24 at half against Utah Valley, which is less than encouraging.  I almost tried to write a quick preview of the game last night, but when I was researching Utah Valley I realized it wasn't worth it because they are god awful.  But now the Gophers are just up 8 at half.  I know, thanks to texts from Snacks and Grandslam, that Westbrook is out because of food poisoning, and I know I said I thought he was heading for a "special" senior season, but come on.  It's Utah Valley.  I'm almost certain a roster of Terrance Simmons, Steve Esselink, David Grim, Travis Busch, and Kevin Loge could take these guys.  I'm going to assume the second half is going to go much better. 

- In more impressive news, I watched Syracuse kick the crap out of Cal tonight in the bar.  I may have underrated the Cuse.  From my vantage point it was tough to tell who was doing what (Wes J might have had 5 or 25 for all I know) but one thing I could tell is the Orange point guard situation is in much better shape than I anticipated.  Scoop Jardine looked great (how could I doubt a guy named Scoop?), and this kid Brandon Triche looked really good as well.  He's going to be a star in two years.

-  Gophers now up 41-26.  Much better.  I feel now like I can relax, and just get ready to watch Ohio State beat the piss out of the Gay Heels.  Seriously.  You watch.

-  Speaking of basketball, I'm sure you're dying for an update on my college basketball fantasy league.  I won't post the whole draft list, you can find the earlier picks in some other posts, but here is an update since I last posted:

8.12 DWG - Damian Johnson, F, Minnesota

9.1 DWG - Edwin Ubiles, G/F, Siena
9.2 TLEF - TaJuan Porter, G, Oregon
9.3 NotoriousTREJetBrit - Rotnei Clarke, G, Arkansas
9.4 Saintfool - Theo Robertson, G/F, Cal
9.5 Aerial Assault - Matt Bouldin, G, Gonzaga
9.6 WuBanger - Jason Love, C, Xavier
9.7 Truck - Herb Pope, F, Seton Hall
9.8 Jeter23 - Austin Freeman, G, Georgetown
9.9 Tar Heel Boy - Mike Tisdale, C, Illinois
9.10 BasketballCoach - Avery Bradley, G, Texas
9.11 Tobias Funke - Armon Johnson, G, Nevada
9.12 Balco - Vernon Macklin, F/C, Florida

10.1 Balco - Elias Harris, F, Gonzaga
10.2 Tobias Funke - Michael Dunigan, C, Oregon
10.3 Basketball Coach - Klay Thompson, G, Washington St.
10.4 Tar Heel Boy - William Buford, G, Ohio St.
10.5 Jeter23 - Scotty Hopson, G, Tennessee
10.6 Truck - Malcolm Lee, G, UCLA
10.7 WuBanger - Durrell Summers, G, Michigan St.
10.8 Aerial Assault - Ekpe Udoh, F/C Baylor
10.9 Saintfool - Raymar Morgan, F, Michigan St.
10.10 NotoriousTREJetBrit - Bo Spencer, G, LSU
10.11 TLEF - Nolan Smith, G, Duke
10.12 DWG - Jordan Crawford, G, Xavier

11.1 DWG - Brandon Paul, G, Illinois
11.2 TLEF - Joe Trapani, F, Boston College
11.3 NotoriousTREJetBrit - Eric Boateng, C, Arizona State
11.4 Saintfool - Landon Milbourne, F, Maryland
11.5 Aerial Assault - Ryan Rossiter, F, Siena
11.6 WuBanger - Tyler Roche, F, Boston College
11.7 Truck - Jimmy Butler, G/F, Marquette
11.8 Jeter23 - Storm Warren, F, LSU
11.9 Tar Heel Boy - Mike Singletary, F, Texas Tech
11.10 BasketballCoach - DeWayne Reed, G, Auburn
11.11 Tobias Funke - Dee Bost, G, Mississippi St.
11.12 Balco - John Jenkins, F, Vanderbilt

12.1 Balco - Chandler Parsons, F, Florida
12.2 Tobias Funke - Derwin Kitchen, G, Florida State
12.3 Basketball Coach - Mike Davis, F, Illinois
12.4 Tar Heel Boy - Marcus Ginyard, G, North Carolina
12.5 Jeter23 - Marshall Moses, F, Oklahoma St.
12.6 Truck - John Roberson, G, Texas Tech.
12.7 WuBanger -
12.8 Aerial Assault -
12.9 Saintfool -
12.10 NotoriousTREJetBrit -
12.11 TLEF -
12.12 DWG -

That gives me a team of:

G:  Chris Warren - Ole Miss, Nic Wise - Arizona, Deonta Vaughn - Cincy, Jordan Crawford - Xavier, Brandon Paul - Illinois
F:  Luke Harangody - Notre Dame, Tyler Smith - Tennessee, Damian Johnson - Minnesota, Edwin Ubiles - Siena
C:  JaJuan Johnson - Purdue, Derrick Favors - Georgia Tech

I like it.  Coming up, I'm hoping to get Ralph Sampson and Courtney Fortson.  Sampson is even more valuable since centers are such a commodity, I probably should have taken him last round.  I'm nervous because not only because of the rare good centers thing, but because I know team NotoriousTREJetBrit is from Minnesota, and was not happy when I picked DJ.  Hopefully Ralphie slips by them, I'm going to be heartbroken if I miss out on Ralph.

Fortson is a risk because he's suspended right now, and actually I haven't looked into exactly why and that's probably something I should investigate before I pick him.  But on stats alone, he would have gone at least two rounds earlier and probably more like four.  If he cuts down on turnovers he'd be a fantasy, and real life, star.  I'm willing to risk it, since I'm very solid at guard.

-  Just heard on ESPN2 "The Big Ten is the deepest conference in America" right as they go into Penn State highlights.  Oops (although I do happen to agree with that sentiment, except maybe the Big 12).  I have no doubt I will write about this further on Monday.  That's right Penn State, you officially suck.  To give you a quick preview, Penn State was a 12 point (or so, I don't remember exactly) favorite, and my instinct said to bet Wilmington.  Then I researched Wilmington, and switched to Penn State because UNCW sounded THAT bad. 

-  Now with 9 minutes to go, it's just 51-43 Gophers.  I think they were like a 26 point favorite.  This is disappointing.  And so is this Ohio State game.  Kyle Madsen over Dallas Lauderdale?  Why would you make that call, especially against UNC and Ed Davis and Deon Thompson?  No Lauderdale is in at least, but if they can avoid playing Madsen the rest of the game, it would be a good move.

-  Now 17-11 UNC.  P.J. Hill just scored.  Barf.

-  I just went to get ice and now suddenly it's 26-11 North Carolina.  My prediction of Ohio State as a final four sleeper is suddenly looking like my "JP Losman will have a breakout year" call.

-  Wow, the Gophers somehow managed to win 76-51, and snacks reminds me that it was a -24.5 spread.  WE WIN! 

-  Wonderbaby is freaking awesome, by the way, thanks for asking.  She can now count to four, and she was advanced enough in her gymnastics thing to skip a whole class, and is now tumbling with three year olds.  She's 19 months. Suck it, every other baby.  And she even likes yard work.

I'm totally winning.

-  You want to know something completely bizarre?  Do you remember Shane Mack's season in 1994?  Absolutely, undoubtedly, an unreal year.  He hit .333/.402/.564 with 15 dingers and outstanding defense.  He was 7th in both average and slugging that year, just off the top 10 in OBP, and was 8th in OPS.

-  With Allen Iverson released by Memphis there seems to be some kind of movement to villify his career.  Hogwash, I say.  Iverson is without a doubt one of the best players in NBA history.  Do you realize the best teammates he ever had were a mostly-washed up Dikembe Mutombo, Aaron McKie, and Eric Snow?  He basically took that Sixers team that made the finals there single-handedly.  I will grant you that at this stage of his career I can't see a good fit for him.  He's clearly not happy taking a backseat to youth (as seen by making his way out of Memphis), and what good, contending team would he fit with (Chicago, maybe?), but make no mistake, this guy was one of the greats.  If anybody ever goes on some "selfish" or "not a winner" rant, kindly bunch said person in the neck.  If charges are pressed, I'll take the rap.

-   Ohio State is depressing me.  I'm about two seconds away from switching the NBA (*gasp*).

-  Ok, nice try to keep me interested by Larry Drew.  He gave a forearm shiver to noted douchebag P.J. Hill and absoultely flattened him on his dumb ass.  I'll stick around for a while to see if anything comes of it.  I feel like a hockey fan all of a sudden, but far less dumb.

-  Far, far, far, far, far, far, far less.

-  They just said Justin Watts hit a three.  Since I've never heard of him, I'm switching to the NBA.  Lakers/Bulls.  Bulls ++9.5, OVER 195, and first quarter over 49.5.  My Ohio State = Memphis call is just dumb now.  Ohio State = Rice is more like it.

-  Dear god these NBA guys are terrible, especially Derrick Rose.  He can't shoot a jumper for shit, like, T.J. Ford style, and it's like he's too lazy or disinterested to get into the lane.  He's on my fantasy team, and I was all like "Dude I have Rose" and "Derrick Rose is on my team, brah" and stuff, but now I'm just ashamed.  I almost want to just break the TV so I don't watch any of these games.

-  Ugh, these games are depressing.  You know what's not depressing though (besides Audrina)?  The NBDL draft, which I promised I would get to.  So let's look.

-  Nevermind for a minute, just got a text from snacks that OSU cut it to 2 with 11 seconds left.  That is confirmed.  Unreal.  How does that happen?  Kind of wish I had kept watching now.

-  Well that was anti-climactic, and didn't cover the +2 either.  Kind of wish I hadn't switched back over.

-  Back to the NBDL - first overall pick, Carlos Powell.  Second - Donell Taylor.  Third - Deron Washington.  Huh.  this is a lot less fun than expected.  I know Powell was either at Texas Tech or South Carolina, and I think Washington played for Arkansas or Mississippi or someone like that, but this is just lame.  Let's just pick and choose a few highlights (or lowlights) instead, and go with my favorite pick of each round (they do 8 rounds of this garbage):

1st:  Latavious Williams, high school.  High school.  How do you think that's working out?  This is even more inexplicable since the NBA has that one-year in college rule.  So did this guy think the NBDL was the path to fame and fortune?  Did he sign somewhere but couldn't qualify for whatever reason and decided this was a better back up plan than JuCo?  Honestly, I'd look it up but I'm pretty drunk.  If you're bored at work - and you know damn well you are right now - you could go ahead and post any relevant info in the comments section below this post.  RUNNER UP:  JamesOn Curry.  I'm 99% sure this guy has NBA experience already with the Bulls.  Do they even have rules in this thing?

2nd:  Mustafa Shakur, Arizona.  Yep, pretty clear there are no rules.  This guy was a second rate PG back in what I swear must have been the 90s for Arizona.  Actually I just looked it up and he graduated in 2007, so who am I thinking of?  Arizona has basically run a bevy of mediocre point guards through that program who get hyped because it's Arizona.  They're pretty interchangeable.  RUNNER UP:  John Bryant, Santa Clara.  If I had known Shakur wasn't whoever it is that I thought it is, this guy would be my choice.  Being large and uncoordinated gets you riches these days?  Actually, I guess Greg Ostertag perfected it.  Did you know Mrs. W will see a large, uncoordinated white guy playing on a basketball team and say, "Is that their Ostertag?"  True story.

3rd:  Chris Lowe, UMASS.  Not because it's a bad pick or anything, because Lowe was actually a pretty damn good point guard for the minutemen last year, and him being gone is a big reason why they're a big ball of suck now.  The funny part is on the NBDL website they have no link to him.  Yet they have links for Kevin Goffney, Sean Barnette, James Cripe, and Cecil Brown - guys I haven't even come close to knowing who they are.  I'm not some expert (NOTE:  I am), but four dudes I've never heard of get a link and no Chris Lowe?  That ain't right.  RUNNER UP:  All those weirdos.

4th:  Jason Richards, Davidson.  Just stop.  You know what I saw while watching basketball tonight?  Gerry McNamara as a grad assistant on Jim Boeheim's bench.  And that's awesome.  Guess what white point guard guy?  You aren't making the NBA.  Take a page for G-Mac, and try to become a coach.  Go the Jeff Capel route.  It works.  RUNNER UP:  Leemire Goldwire.  This is beyond weird. 

5th:  Shagari Alleyne, Kentucky.  Remember when Kentucky, and I think it was Tubby, actually, recruited Alleyne and someone named like Lukasz Orbzut and they were both 7-2 and were going to be all twin tower and such?  Nice plan.  And this guy is still getting chances based on his height.  Not fair, Jeff Hagen, not fair.  RUNNER UP:  Scooter McFagdon, whose name is funny, whose potential was unlimited, and whose disappointingness is complete.  Also want to give a shout out to Joe Darger of UNLV here, whose name is nearly identical to a kid I knew in high school and never fails to make me giggle.

I just want to mention here that I went to go get a couple beers (NOTE:  Silos running low) before the bar closed and on the elevator back up some cougar lady asked me "So what are you doing, want to go back down and get a drink?"  I demurred.  But I want to mention it here anyway.

6th:  CJ Anderson, Xavier (via Manhattan).  This guy WILL be in the NBA at some point.  Maybe it's not for long, maybe it's a cup of coffee, but he will get a shot.  You watch, I'm predicting he leads the NBDL in scoring, which I just realized I'm using as a high end compliment.  Whatever.  This dude is awesome.  RUNNER UP:  J'Nathan Bullock, somewhere.  I know I've heard this name before, because it never fails to make me laugh, but I can't remember why right now.  Seriously, why my parents didn't just name me J'Nathan will haunt me to my dying day.

Just realized my flight tomorrow is at 11:20, not 11:00.  That's 20 extra minutes of sleep.  Time to get more drunker.

7th:  Garrison Carr, American.  This guy was awesome for them.  But was his career more, or less, successful than Tasheed Carr?  That's one to think on.  RUNNER UP:  Rodney Alexander, no clue.  I don't know who this is, but that's a hell of an NBA name.

8th:  Lawrence McKenzie, Minnesota.  You probably know who this is.  Hey, whatever works.  No doubt he'll grind out a career in Europe making more than I could possibly dream of by playing basketball.  I do have a hint for him:  look to New Zealand, it seems any mediocre former Gopher can make a nice living over there.  Plus, outside the Aborigines, he'd probably be the only black dude over there, and that's got to be an advantage.  RUNNER UP:  A.J. Ratliff, Indiana.  Senior Year = 1.7 pts, 1.3 rebs, 0.6 assists per game.  This folks, is the NBDL.

-  Lastly I want to close with something snacks sent me since apparently he doesn't do any work.  This here from Peter Gammons, the jesus of baseball analysts (sorry Aaron).  He mentions that Joe Mauer hit just one infield popup the entire season.  Sound ridiculouly hyperbolic?  Well, he is wrong.  Mauer actually hit two.  That means he popped up 1.5% of the time, fourth best in major league baseball (behind ryan howard, derek jeter - puke, and joey votto - stud).  I find the fact that we are privy to this info fascinating.  Common DWG whipping boy/stud, depending on who you ask, was 9th at 2.1%, pretty good.  But I know what you're waiting for, you want to know Twins, don't you you provincial son of a bitch?

Well, I know one guy who is going to enjoy this, but guess who was fifth worst in the majors in popping up?

It was Mike Cuddyer.  He popped up 15.5% of the time.  That is awful.  But let's look at something a little more for just a minute.  Let's assume that all fly balls and ground balls at least have a chance at getting the team closer to scoring a run, where popups and strikeouts don't.  Cuddy also strikes out 20% of the time.  That means that 36% of the time he is at the plate, his results have no chance of doing anything good.  That seems high.  this feels like the kind of thing I should research further, so somebody remind me because I'm going to bed.

I really hate New jersey. 

Return to Awesomesylvania (I mean NBDL draft stuff)

I've done live blogs of movies as I've watched them here before (notably Made of Honor and Jaws IV: The Revenge) and they seem to be semi-well received and I quite enjoy doing it so sit back and let another one have it's way with you as if you've had a good solid dose of GHB. Tonight, Mrs. W and I will be taking in Return to Sleepaway Camp, the fourth in a series of completely awesomely cheesy horror flicks. The first was good, the second was awesome, the third was ok. Hopefully the fourth is good for some drunken entertainment. Oh, yeah, I'm drinking. Shocker.

- We start with a Se7en-like opening, set to a wannabe Nine Inch Nails sounding band complete with newspaper type clippings flashing by far too quickly to read. I like where we're going with this.

- Followed up by a group of young boys in nothing but their underwear lighting farts. I don't necessarily like where this is going. We are now introduced to a main character, a fat kid named Alan, who is so solidly written that Mrs. W asked, "Does that guy have down syndrome." Things are not looking up.

- I'm actually going to the Gopher football game tomorrow, which is the first for me this season. Did you know the Gophers are favored by 8.5? Let me get this straight, a team that has just been exposed as not nearly as good as their record shows is laying more than a TD to a team that has owned them for like, two thousand years? Yeah, I'm taking the Wolverines and the points.

- Holy shit! It's a guy who talks with one of those things you put against your neck and it makes you sound like that part of the Beastie Boys' classic, "Intergalactic." You know, this. Those things are sweet.

- One really good sign about this movie is that all the cliches act appropriately. Jocks act like jocks, stoners act like stoners, black guys act like either 80s rappers or gangsters, and hot chicks act like sluts. Just like a true 80s style horror movie - excellent.

- The dude from the Sopranos who plays Big Pussy is in this movie, and Alan just called him a big pussy. That's the kind of writing that leads to an Oscar someday.

- Speaking of being a definite 80s Horror movie, we just had our first kill - the cook got dumped into a giant deep fryer of hot oil and got his face melted off. Truly an excellent kill that even Jason Voorhees would be proud of. It reminds me of Sleepaway Camp 2 where this super hot chick was killed by being stuffed down a port-o-potty toilet right after she humped some dude wearing a bandana. Also, Mrs. W just remarked, "this doesn't have the same feel as the other ones, it's too all over the place. There's no flow." I have never loved her more than this moment.

- Here's what's confusing, the Down Syndrome kid is confusing. I can't tell if he's supposed to be sympathetic or not. Everyone picks on him, so you'd think you're supposed to feel sorry for him, but he picks on all the younger kids and is generally a dick, so I don't really feel even close to sorry for him and hope he dies. I guess we'll find out how we were supposed to feel by if he lives or dies in the end. It's confusing. I'm as confused as a kid with downs syndrome with a kaleidoscope.

- This is that hot chick who got killed in Sleepaway Camp 2 by getting stuffed down an outhouse toilet after humping a guy wearing a bandana:Her name is Valerie Hartman and you can see more of her by using the google.

- Kill #2: Tie up a stoner so he can't move and pump his mouth full of gasoline. Tape over his mouth so he can't spit out the gas (actually, it was a bumper sticker that said 'Drugs are for Dummies'). Then put a joint through the sticker and in the mouth and light it. It burns down and BAM! Explosion and dead stoner.

- Paintball scene. Direct ripoff of Friday the 13th part VI. I guess if you're going to steal bits, might as well steal from the best.

- I have now been forced to turn the movie, due to Mrs. W saying it sucks too much to even watch. I've never hated her more. It was pretty god awful I will admit, but I would have kept watching, at least to see if there were boobs. Plus, the original trilogy was absolutely classic, so this is a bit of a crushing blow. Much like Jaws IV. So, instead, I'll just comment on the results of tonight's NBDL draft, which I am totally pissed that I forgot to Tivo.

- Round 1, pick 1: Chris Richard, Florida. I thought he was on the Wolves. I'm almost positive. This must be some kind of mistake. Although I guess they could have cut him by now. When you have a guy like the Manatee, you don't really need another fat power forward. And whatever happened to Dametri Hill anyway? The original meathook, because it makes more sense because he played basketball. Dmitri Young is not the meathook. Also the answer is he's playing basketball in the hotbead of action that is Slovakia.

- Round 1, pick 2: James Mays. Either a rookie from Clemson or an old guy from Texas.

- Round 1, pick 3: Jermareo Davidson, Alabama. Good defender. Also i'm realizing there are 10 rounds to this garbage so I can't go through player by player. I'll have to skip to the good ones.

- Round 1, pick 5: Derrick Byars, Vanderbilt. I thought he would be a pretty good NBA player, showing once again that I know nothing about the NBA. Didn't stop me from betting on the Wolves game though.

- Round 1, picks 9 and 12: Denham Brown, UCONN and Smush Parker, Lakers. These guys are like 100. And Parker has already been in the NBA. I don't understand this draft.

- Round 1, pick 15: Cartier Martin, Kansas State. Dude was K-State's best player before Beasley and Billy "sky" Walker showed up. He should have been there with them, but got suspended or kicked off the team or something I don't quite remember, but that team would have been three deep instead of two if he stuck around. Bummer for them.

- Round 2, pick 4: Keith Butler, Temple. Actually if I remember he transferred to DePaul, but what an absolute stiff. I realize the pickings are slim and it's an NBDL draft, but this dude is going in the second round? I just looked it up and he averaged 1.8 points and 2.2 rebounds a game as a senior and he's 7-1. Second round. This is already getting stupid. Also I'm pretty sure John Travolta is secretly gay.

- Round 2, pick 7: Russell Robinson, Kansas. Now this a pick I can get on board with. And did you know Mario Chalmers is averaging 8 points, 4 rebounds, and six assists in 32 minutes a game for the Heat, and had 9 steals in a game already this year? And did you know the Wolves drafted him and then traded him for nothing even though they had a major team weakness at PG? I think I need to take a job out of state so I have an excuse to root for some other teams, this state is a wasteland.

- Round 2, pick 9: James White, Cincinnati. Remember him? Crazy athletic, went to Florida and then something happened I don't remember and ended up at Cincy because they'll gladly take any criminal? Yeah, I liked that dude.

- Round 3, pick 12: Kurt Looby, Iowa. Yep, Kurt Looby. Let's all treat this as a completely legitimate and real league when Kurt Lobby gets drafted.

- Round 4, pick 1: Kris Collins, New Mexico. That's right, the same Kris Collins who originally enrolled at Minnesota but was chased off due to "issues." Way to go Monson, you missed out on a guy who ended up drafted after Kurt Looby. That coul dhave set back the program for decades.

- Round 4, pick 10: Oliver Lafayette, Houston. I will personally guarantee this guy ends up with a stint in the NBA, although short it may be. Can score a bunch, and it turns out they like that.

- Round 5, pick 2: John Gilchrist, Maryland. Wasn't he on his way to being kind of a star, and then had some sort of mental breakdown and/or issues with the coach and ended up being kind of irrelevant? Is that right? Am I thinking of the right guy and right situation or am I way off here? His interests include jet skiing, which, if I may be a grumpy old man for a moment, is really loud and really stupid.

- Round 6, pick 1: Isaiah Fox, Arizona. Was supposed to be a pretty big deal - wasn't. Some may choose to blame it on injuries, I choose to blame it on sucking.

- Round 7, pick 14: Kris Clack, Texas. He's really old, but before he was all old and stuff he was a monster for the Longhorns. He was a shooting guard who couldn't shoot, but he was so quick he could still drive on people and could just jump all over their heads and dunk on their stupid faces. He was like a Rico Tucker who couldn't shoot the three. Or, more accurately, Rico Tucker is like a combination of Kris Clack, Glen Rice, and Magic Johnson.

- Round 10, pick 12: Ashanti Cook, Georgetown. I have nothing really to say here, but he's the only guy in the last three rounds who is even worth mentioning. I really plan to Tivo this next year, I can foresee several laugh out loud moments, like Abu Shamala getting picked. As for now, I will say adios, and I'm sorry the sleepaway camp thing didn't work out. I'm looking forward to my hangover curing screwdriver tomorrow at Jimmy's pre-game. Go Michigan!

What up with the NBDL?

So I'm drunk in Lincoln, NE - again - and I'm bored. I have three Newcastles in the bathroom sink - with ice - and figured, "why not figure out what's up with the whole NBDL thing?" Now, I dont have the energy or soberness to figure out the rules and what not with the minor league thing, so instead, I'll just find some players who are in the league. Couple quick points:

1. These people are all better than Rick Rickert, who plays in the Australian YMCA league.

2. This Craig Monroe trade pisses me off. It's like, they're doing something just to do something and saying, "Hey, look at us. We're doing something." Well screw that. Craig Monroe is a chomo.

3. It's nice to be able to find Seinfeld on TV at pretty much any moment.

4. This is why having a bottle opener on your key chain makes you smart and prepared, not immature.

5. If I'm asleep by 3, I can still get 6 hours of sleep. Sweet.

6. I'm going to be a father. This scares me, and should probably scare all of you.

7. I found out I officially have a reputation in my company as a "Big Drinker." I can't decide if this is awesome, or kind of a bad thing. Since I'm drunk right now, I"m going to go with "Awesome."

On to the fake basketball league:

Albuquerque Thunderbirds: Serge Angounou (Ariz St), Kris Collins (New Mex), Darvin Ham (Tex Tech), Daniel Horton (Mich). Obviously the big news here is Kris Collins. I don't actually remember all the crap behind him, but I know he was a Gopher at one point or another, and it clearly didn't work out. I think he was too dumb or something. Darvin Ham once broke a backboard (might have been twice), and Horton was supposed to be a pretty good player at Michigan. He seemed to be pretty solid oh my god Eliza Dushku is on that seventies show and how did I not know that? That chick is so way hot.

Anaheim Arsenal: Guillermo Diaz (Miami), Anthony Harris (Miami), Steven Smith (LaSalle), Marquis Webb (Rutgers). Diaz and Harris were a pretty dynamic show at Miami. I have to think having two guards who were pretty good in college and are still together can only help. Not help getting them to the NBA, because clearly they kind of suck since they are in this league, but still. Smith was the best player at LaSalle since Lionel Simmons, and dominated the A-10 - which obviously means nothing. Webb was basically known just since Quincy Douby was so good.

Austin Toros: Justin Bowen (UIC), Ashanti Cook (G-Town), Kevin Pittsnogle (WVU). Bad team. I only included Bowen here because he went to UIC, and my buddy JC and I saw him play in an exhibition several years ago where they had a VIP booth we couldnt' get into, despite his friend who was supposedly a high roller there. Cook was terrible, and obviously Pittsnogle is a joke. When you're tall, for the love of god please try to play in the post once in a while, there are enough short people who can only shoot outside. Weird, kind of like JC in intramurals. Tall, yet too afraid to play downlow and only roam about the three point line. Rickert-like. They also have a guy from Tarleton State, new home of Limar Wilson. So there's hope for him yet.

Bakersfield Jam: Brandon Bowman (GTown). This team is boring because I'm hardly heard on any of their guys - I'm gong to assume they suck. Plus, the Jam? Really? Did you have a contest to name your team and only invite retarded fifth graders to submit nicknames? Brutal. I also actually like Bowman quite a bit, and still think he could be a good player. He's by far the best player out of this group of clowns so far.

Colorado 14ers: Julian Sensley (Hawaii), Kelly Whitney (Seton Hall). Bad. Also bad name. This is Rickert's former team, but I guess he couldn't crack this tough roster of guys who I've never heard of other than two I think I maybe kind of know who they are. I think Sensley was a guy who put up good numbers for Hawaii every year, and always kind of thought about going pro but never did. Probably shouldn't have. Not entirely sure who Whitney was, but I think he played with Holloway, and that guy was the fucking man.

Dakota Wizards: Blake Ahearn (Mizz St), Will Frisby (Miami), Armein Kirkland (Cincy), David Palmer (South Utah). Ahearn, if I remember correctly, was one of the best free throw shooters in collegiate history. Frisby had a sweet name. I saw a game once where Kirkland was awesome, but I think it was one of his only good games - ever. David Palmer was a hell of a kick returner for the Vikings - also one of 2P's favorite players ever.

Fort Wayne Mad Ants: Shagari Alleyne (Kentucky), Justin Cage (Xavier), Earl Calloway (Indiana), Roderick Wilmont (Indiana), Sammy Mejia (DePaul), Lukasz Obrzut (Kentucky). Tubby Smith's two biggest mistakes ever might be on this team, in Alleyne and Obrzut. Very tall, and very retarded, these two never really amounted to much - yet they would have been awesome at the U of MN, so keep that in mind. Two other teammates here in the Indiana guards, both pretty solid players. Mejia is the kind of player who might still make the NBA at some point. Also that nickname is so stupid it's awesome.

Idaho Stampede: Randy Livingston (LSU), Brent Petway (Michigan). Petway was crazy athletic, and is still young enough to possibly develop into a decent player. Livingston I swear has been around since the Chris Jackson era. I think he hurt his knee 17 times, and is still hanging around the fringes of the NBA, so good for him.

Iowa Energy: Jeff Horner (Iowa). Yep, Jeff Horner's all they got. That guy was always a little weiner. Like Wojo from Duke with less gay and more offense.

L.A. D-Fenders: Sean Banks (Memphis), Errick Craven (USC), Jelani McCoy (UCLA). It's cute how they don't spell out D-Fenders. Very LA of them. Banks can score, and Errick Craven is only memorable because he had a twin named Derrick, and also because I used to have a friend named Eric Cravens. I wonder what happened to him? His family was rich, and had satellite TV when it wasn't normal with the big dish and everything, and had the playboy channel when I was in eighth grade. Awesome. Anyway, McCoy was one of the best shot blockers I've ever seen. I know the Sonics gave him a chance. It's too bad he had zero offensive game, because defensively he's an absolute force. That dude should have a highlight film on youtube, but alas, it's not to be.

Rio Grande Valley Vipers: Steve Novak (Marquette), Kevin Bookout (Oklahoma), CJ Watson (Tennessee). Novak will end up in the NBA at some point. He's way too good a shooter to not. Bookout and Watson are two fo teh most overrated college players ever. Bookout was supposed to be a big deal recruit, but he's really just an average, bigger, white guy. Like Kris Humprhries but way less talented. Watson was a chucker. Like Scottie Reynolds now. Hey Scottie, Look! It's your future!

Sioux Falls Skyforce: Marcus Bailey (Wyoming), Nik Caner-Medley (Maryland), Ben Jacobson (North Iowa). Well, just the fact that Caner-Medley is playing professional basketball is a testament to human will. Jacobson seems like that type of player who will always find work playing somehwere. Not sure why I highlighted Bailey. I think I"m thinking of Mario Bailey, former U of Washington wide receiver and Bill Walsh College Football (Sega) All-Star.

Tulsa 66ers: Dwight Brewington (Liberty), Ramon Sessions (Nevada). I remember Brewington from Providence. Seemed like a pretty good player. Guess he transferred to Liberty though. Totally memorable. Sessions I can't say crap about, because I don't live on the West coast and dont' think I ever saw him play. I honestly couldn't pick Nick Fazekas out of a lineup. I could pick out Eric Chenowith though, because I once stayed in the same hotel as him and got his autograph. Not because I wanted it, but because Snacks and I were drunk and laughing about him, and my mom went up and got his autograph for both of us as a joke. True story.

Utah Flash: Andre Ingram (St. johns), Jeff Hagen (Minn), Kevin Kruger (UNLV). Kruger is like Jacobson, just the kind of player who will never have to get a real job because he'll just keep hooking on with low level basketball teams. Big story here is Jeff Hagen, obviously. As much as I would love to have more info on him, there is no link to him on their site. I'd try to look it up but it's 1:33am and that's just about enoough.

Hey Sidler, way to have Dwight Freeney get hurt. Nice job.

I was Wrong About Rick Rickert

When Rick Rickert decided to go pro after his sophomore year with the Gophers - averaging 16 pts and 6 rebs, I thought he was making a huge mistake. When he didn't get drafted until almost the end of the second and final round of the draft, and it was by the Wolves who felt sorry for him, I laughed. When he got cut, I laughed. When Garnett punched him in the face, I laughed even harder. And when he got stuck playing in the D-League, I laughed.

But I was wrong. Oh, so wrong.

My friends, the great Rick Rickert has a chance to be a champion. His Colorado 14ers will be playing the Dakota Wizards this Sunday for the D-League championship.

Rickert got everything he wanted. After averaging eleven points and six rebounds per game in the NBDL, he's managed to carry his team to the championship, averaging 8 pts and 8 rebs per game in the playoffs. And now, on Sunday, he'll be playing for every little boy's dream: an NBDL championship.

I apologize Rick Rickert. I was wrong. You win.