Saturday, September 20, 2008

Just Kill Me Now


After a long awesome day of watching the Ryder Cup and looking at the Sharks at the Mall of America, I owe my wife a bit so we are about to watch Made of Honor, a phrase that truly makes my skin crawl. But, since I'm watching football tomorrow, sacrifices must be made. And since this is going to suck, you're going to have to read about it.

- This movie stars that dude from Can't Buy Me Love and that one show that all the chicks love. I will be referring to him as "Ronald Miller" today.

- The lead female is someone I've never heard of nor seen. What a waste. If people are going to make stupid crappy chick movies, at the very least they should have to give the female lead to a super hot chick like Linda Cardellini:

($20 says Snacks says she isn't attractive)

- So quick background: Ronald Miller is a player. His not attractive "best friend" is getting married and for some reason that would never happen in real life, she asks him to be her Maid of Honor. Even less realistic, he accepts. Anyone who rents this movie and likes it should probably be killed, and I'm only ten minutes into it. I will bet you five thousand dollars that they end up together in the end. And didn't they already do this movie with Cameron Diaz and Julia Roberts? I'm kind of angry right now.

- I had a black & white cookie today from some place on Grand Avenue. There's a Seinfeld bit where he equates the black & white cookie with racial harmony. The funny thing is, my cookie broke in half in the bag before I even got it home. And it broke right on the racial dividing line, so instead of a black & white cookie, I had a black cookie and a white cookie. I'm not exactly sure what that means. Maybe I'm a racist. Ok, fine. Probably.

- OMG they're flirting!!!1 the sexual chemistry is OFF THE CHARTS they totally belong together it's crazy!!!!one1!!

- Yes I'm drinking.

- Sometimes I think I should take all this energy I pour into this shitty blog and try to write a book or something, but I'm pretty sure I know how it would go: "There once was a man and and a woman. They sucked. The End. P.S. You're an idiot if you bought this book."

- HOLY SHIT!! Dwayne Wayne is in this movie. I'm totally not kidding. I now have a new opinion of this movie: It's awesome. AND Dwayne Wayne is going to play basketball, just like out of White Men Can't Jump. We goin' Sizz-la. We goin' Sizz-la.

- Uh oh. Ronald Miller is starting to realize he's in love with not attractive chick. He just made a weird phone call very reminiscent of Mikey in Swingers. THINGS ARE REALLY PICKING UP NOW!!

- Your sleeper NCAA Hoops Pick this season: Baylor Bears. Currently 80-1.

- OH NOes!! he just admitted to his friend, Dwayne Wayne, that he has feelings for Hannah! (That's his friend, the not attractive girl). He also said, "I've realized there's more to life than sleeping around." That's quitter talk. He's going to ask her to marry him when she gets back from England. You know what marriage is? Prison. A man-made prison.

- Oof. She got engaged in England to some other dude. And she wants him to be Maid of Honor. That's like getting kicked in the nuts and then having your head cut off like Medusa in that movie with the flying horse.

- And the guy she's marrying is from that failed show Journeyman, which was an ok show, but mostly a poor man's Quantum Leap.h

- Sunday pairings up for the Ryder. Most intriguing: Garcia/Kim, the first match of the day, Karlsson/Leonard, Stenson/Perry, Poulter/Stricker, and Jimenez/Furyk. Although I have to question using Chad Campbell as your final golfer. Is that really who you want bringing it in if it comes down to the last match? And his matchup is Padraig? Who you think is going to take that one if it comes down to it? The dude who has won three majors in the last two years, or some fat ass down syndrome looking guy who I don't really get why he's even on the team?

- Busy Phillips is in this movie too. If you don't know who that is then you better axe somebody.

- They're making fun of a fat chick now. I can get on board with that, even if the movie is mostly pretty homo.

- You know what's really freaking gay? They took Boy Meets World completely off TV. It used to be on both the Family Channel and Disney, so you could watch the wacky adventures of Corey, Shawn, Topanga, Mr. Feeney, and the rest as much as four times per day. Now it's all gone. Is a shame, really.

- Remember when Cory made out with Marley Shelton, even though he was still with Topanga? Actually, Cory and Topanga once broke up because Cory had "feelings" for Linda Cardellini, who is also mentioned above in a non-related context. That's CRAZY!

- Hey, the dude from Journeyman just dunked from a standstill in a totally realistic scene that in no way stretches the boundaries of belief. And now, despite the fact that his character is from Scotland and has never played basketball he's awesome and we get a little "I got the Power" action. And now, in a moment I wish I was making up, they make it clear that he has a gigantic penis. This is quite seriously one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Mostly because I'm jealous.

- According to this site, Kadeem Hardison once dated Cree Summer, who was the voice for Clogged Duanne, Pagan Megan, Plain Jane, Heartless Hal, and Trashed Tracy on the Garbage Pail Kids cartoon.

- Don't forget, Rodney Williams is visiting the U this weekend. If he doesn't sign by next weekend, expect him to join Santa Clara.

- Ooh, Busy Phillips just tricked Ronald Miller into accidentally throwing a "Pleasure Party" instead of a baby shower and the grandma ends up with anal beads around her neck. Now not hot girl is mad at him. You know, how like in every Romantic Comedy there's the part where the girl is mad at the guy? Yeah, we're at that part.

- Ok, here's what I don't get. The title of this movie is "Made of Honor" obviously a play on Maid of Honor, implying our lead, Ronald Miller, is "made" of honor. Then the dude spends the whole movie trying to steal this chick away from her fiancee. How the hell is that honorable? That's not even the least little bit honorable. It's like, the oppositive of that. Like, dishonorable. This movie should be called, "Made of Dishonor." Or "Faggy."

- Yo mamma so poor, I saw her kickin' a tin can down the street and I assed her "what you doin?" she said, "Movin."

- By the by, if you are interested in playing online poker you can get a free $50 from here by clicking the Doyle's Room promotion. Upside is it's free and you don't have to give them any kind of bank or credit card info. Downside is you have to give them your number to have them call you and it takes about a week to get your money. Up upside is that it's a free $50.

- I'm not even paying attention anymore. Everybody is dressed in kilts now. I don't know why. Probably to represent just how gay this movie is. And now they're throwing trees, which are really just giant phallic symbols. So the main character is dressed in a really short skirt and is handling a very big phallus. I think I've seen a different version of this before.

- Oh my. The main chick wanted to taste some of her fiancee's chocolate cake, and she tried to eat it off his plate and the dude was all like, "Oh no you didn't" and instead HE CUT HER A PIECE AND PUT IT ON HER PLATE FOR HER. How dare he? How dare he? I guaran-damn-tee a woman wrote this garbage.

- You, know, I'm not some gun-toting, animal-killing, car fixing, manly macho manly man. I like a decent chunk of chick movies. I like The Cutting Edge. I loved Can't Buy Me Love. I think 10 Things I Hate About You is a very clever way of retelling The Taming of the Shrew. I consider Mean Girls to be one of the best written movies of the 2000s. So I'm not against chick movies. I'm just against this chick movie. There's nothing clever, witty, or intelligent about this at all. It's generic. It's not even interesting enough to be called cheesy. If you rent this movie, you will probably die.

- Ok. So, if you want to know how dumb and predictable this movie is, Busy Phillips gets drunk and goes to Ronald Miller's room the same night he tells not attractive lead chick that he loves her and she decides she loves him but then sees Busy Phillips trying to get on him and misinterprets whats going on and makes a big deal of it. just like every other stupid chick flick ever.

- HEY! IT'S THE AFRICAN ANTEATER RITUAL!

- Does anyone know what that killer song was from that one Nike commercial? It's also from the Frankenstein movie starring Robert DeNiro and Kenneth Branaugh.

- We're laughing at the fat chick again.

- You want to know how bad this is? Mrs. W just fast forwarded through a good fifteen minutes of it. And she rented it. And she likes anything romantic - probably because I'm such an ass.

- We just had the big speech here at the end that wins over the girl. It made me fart.

- It won her over anyway. I bet Journeyman wants to go back in time and fix this, and fix it but good. I wish he'd go back in time and shoot me in the face before we rented this.

FIN.

3 comments:

Bear said...

I'm assuming you mean that "Killers" song and not "that killer song." Anyways, it's All These Things That I've Done.

WWWWWW said...

No, I meant, that killer song. Meaning awesome. It's classical, not by some trendy assholes.

Bear said...

Oh, sorry. I think it's called You're A Douchebag In C Minor.