Tuesday, September 2, 2008

NFL Football Preview of Football


Hooray for Football! Since I was dead on with all my football predictions for last season, I thought I might as well fire it up again this year. This time, I'm going team by team - I'm just that good.

Before I get to the preview, the answer to the two questions I know you have for me are no, I didn't watch the Gopher football game since it was on the Saturday evening of Labor Day weekend and I have a life (kind of) and yes, I did watch the new 90210 and IT. WAS. AWESOME.

Anyway, here we go:

BUFFALO BILLS: Ok, so I was kind of sort of wrong about JP Losman and Lee Evans last year. Losman couldn't even have started on the Vikings last season, and I think is either dead or out of the league or something. Or maybe he's the back up now, either way I'm predicting a breakout season in either the CFL or AFL at least. Trent Edwards is the new QB, and I know nothing out him. Marshawn Lynch is not going to be very good, and Buffalo continues to be a complete dirty wasteland. At least they invented chicken wings.

MIAMI DOLPHINS: Can't be worse than last year, right? Maybe, what with Chad Pennington in charge now. Expect Pennington's arm to fall off halfway through the season, and Chad Henne becomes the new guy in charge - and sucks. Good news is they double their win total from last season with Ricky Williams, not Ronnie Brown, leading the way.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Gay. And by that, I mean the entire team and all their fans are gay. That being said, they'll probably go 15-1 or so this season. Brady and Moss's numbers go down, but how couldn't they? Laurence Maroney finally comes out of the closet.

NEW YORK JETS:
I think Brett "Pete Rose" Favre wanted to go to this division because it's the only one with a QB nearly as gay as him and he wouldn't look as fruity. Seriously, does anybody expect him to be awesome this year? No chance. He's been average at best the last like, five seasons, except for a decent stretch last year that ended in disaster anyway. I have a feeling we're in for a disaster of Armageddon proportions here. Movie and event.

DENVER BRONCOS: Once again there's all kinds of crazy confusion at running back in Denver in the fantasy world. Selvin Young gets the Shanahan curse of death, and there's about six other guys waiting in the wings to grab some carries. I wouldn't be shocked to see Mike Anderson pop up at some point.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Do they have a QB? I think it's Brody Croyle, but I don't know who that is. Maybe Dave Krieg? He's probably still around. All I know is whoever is the QB there should probably just throw every ball to Dwayne "The Show" Bowe with an occasional one tossed to Tony Gonzalez, but only if Bowe is quadruple teamed. He can easily burn three guys. Bowe is the third best young receiver in the game. More on that to come.

OAKLAND RAIDERS:
Darren McFadden is not the next Adrian Peterson. Probably. The line is kind of a mess in Oaktown, much like the city itself. And one of my past jobs had a headquarters there, so I know. When I was out there to visit I was told not to leave the hotel after dark. And when I was in a training class in the HQ, there was an announcement telling everyone not to leave the building because the bank next door was robbed. Nice city. Get out McFadden, get out NOW! Between that and the fact that Dawger drafted him, he's pretty much screwed.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: I'm still madly in love with Tomlinson, in a mostly platonic way as far as you know. Rivers seems to do just enough to get the team close, but can't quite close the deal. Although last season was quite a bummer with LT being hurt and mostly unable to play in the playoffs. You know the Chargers thought they were better than the Patriots in the AFC championship, and kind of in a way they maybe were, so expect them to be extra super-charged this season. Get it, super-CHARGED?

BALTIMORE RAVENS:
This team is still around? Feels like it's about time to disband, no? They just keep getting more and more insignificant. The defense was the strength of the team and still is, which is now a bad thing because they just aren't that good anymore. And they just named a rookie from some small college in the NE their starter. Oof.

CINCINNATI BENGALS: I love this team. Just a complete mess. And their whole "attitude change" in the front office lasted all the way until Ocho Cinco got hurt, when they signed the Human Jail Cell Chris Henry. He probably won't even last until he gets off his latest suspension. Still, in a weak division they could contend with that offense. I expect Carson Palmer to have a superb year.

CLEVELAND BROWNS: Everyone's cute little darling pick this year is about to go splat in a big way. Derek Anderson was a fluke and Jamal Lewis is 2000 years old and his backups and nobody and who? They have a solid defense, and Braylon Edwards is the second best young receiver in the league, but there are going to be a lot of disappointed fans in the shitbox that is Cleveland this year.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Boring. So boring. The only thing that could make this team exciting is getting a little more G. Russell involved, but since they drafted Mendenhall that probably means they don't recognized the greatness that is G-Russ. Expect to hear Roethlisberger to Holmes far too many times, assuming there isn't a hang-gliding accident or something.

HOUSTON TEXANS: Here is your sleeper team folks. Schaub will have a second year in this offense, and the running game is rejuvenated with Steve Slaton and some other young guy, if only they'd just cut Ahman Green already. Add in an improved offensive line, a good defense, and the best young receiver in football in Andre Johnson and you've got a killer squad. If they were in the broke NFC, they'd be a Super Bowl contender.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: I love Peyton Manning. Not as much as The Sidler does with his two fathead stickers in his bedroom, but still alot. It hurt me to see Brady break his records last year. I don't think the Colts have it in them to give Peyton a shot to break the record again, but don't rule out Marvin Harrison just yet. Remember, he didn't actually go to jail, he just gave his gun to someone and said, "Go shoot that guy" but then they couldn't prove it so all is fine.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: I still can't believe Byron Leftwich flamed out. I thought that guy was going to be good. I guess they have that other guy, Garrard, who is solid not spectacular. Also Maurice Drew is very overrated. If Fred Taylor gets hurt, expect Drew to suck spectacularly. And they have Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson at WR. That defense better be good.

TENNESSEE TITANS: Here's a question for you, why not make Vince Young a wide receiver already and just skip the next two painful years? It's obvious to anyone not named Bogart that the dude just flat out cannot throw the ball. Maybe defenses should just not cover anybody and rush eleven guys. I'm sure he'd manage to complete a few when everybody is wide open, but I'm still betting it would be a pretty close game.

DALLAS COWBOYS: Am I crazy or is this team about fifty times better than anyone else in the NFC? Romo is a top QB when he's not out shagging hollywood tail and TO is still one of the top receivers out there. The defense is also top flight. The only real question mark is if Marion "The" Barber can hold up as the feature back, which he can, and if not they have the other rookie RB from Arkansas, Felix Jones, to help out. They shouldn't lose to an NFC team all year. Unless of course they play the awesomeness that is the Vikings.

NEW YORK GIANTS: Poor little Giants. They win the Super Bowl but still don't get any credit and aren't considered a real threat to win again. Well, they shouldn't be. They got pretty lucky to be honest, and the main reason they won, their defense, won't have either of their two top players this season. And Brandon Jacobs is maybe the worst feature back in the NFL.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: I was in Philly once. The Cheesesteaks are awesome and so is the baseball stadium, except that little SOB Griffey Jr. sat the game out when he was going for #600 because he hates me I guess. Anyway, Donovan McNabb isn't very good, and he has less than Tavaris Jackson to throw too over there. At least Westbrook is good.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Another boring team. Seriously if they were on TV there's no way I could possibly watch. Do they even have any wide receivers? Remember when they had Art Monk, Gary Clark, and Ricky Sanders? Now that was a nice little triad. When your best receiver is Chris Cooley it might be time to pack it in.

ARIZONA CARDINALS: All they need is a QB, but too bad Snake's boyfriend can't handle it and old man Warner looks like he's going to be the guy. With Larry Fitz and Boldin they should be lighting up scoreboards. I expect a nice bounce back year from Edgerrin, reminding everyone why he has all those gold teeth.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Could be a nice surprise team if JT O'Sullivan turns out to be a decent QB, not a great bet but you never know. I think their receivers are better than most people think, and Mike Martz has turned Mike Furrey, Shaun McDonald, and Az Hakim into good weapons at times in his career. Frank Gore is pretty much the man.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: What the bloody hell happened to Shaun Alexander? I know he was banged up last year and didn't play well at times when he was "healthy", but he's just a couple years removed from one of the best RB seasons in history. He's been banged up the last couple of years, and I'm not saying he can be great again, but it just seems weird that nobody will even give him a shot at being a backup. WHERE'S YOUR JESUS NOW, SHAUN?

ST LOUIS RAMS: Let's see, you were almost as putrid as Miami last year, and you did nothing to better your team other than draft a DE. Nice work. Drew Bennett is starting at receiver for you. Who is in charge of this team, Bill Smith? Torry Holt is still ok, Steven Jackson is quite awesome, and Leonard Little is a killer, but you have nothing else going for you. Worst team in the league. Maybe will win 2 games. Shame on you.

CHICAGO BEARS: Have they ever had a good QB? Ever? It's like the same thing every year. Too bad that little bubble screen crap stopped working, because now Orton/Grossman actually have to throw downfield which is bad news for everyone except opposing d-backs. The defense is going to have to be even better since along with that disaster at QB they have no running backs and no receivers. And anybody who ever kicks it to Devin Hester should be fined. Except that I have the Chicago defense in a fantasy league so never mind that last part.

DETROIT LIONS:
Way to pick up Rudi Johnson. That's probably the change the team needed to propel them to greatness. Although did you read about Tatum Bell stealing his luggage? You can't make that up. Seriously, with Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams they have weapons. Just no defense. Speaking of defense, on my way through downtown Minneapolis this morning I saw a white van with no windows and a logo for a Drapery shop. With the Republican Convention in town? That was either a terrorist looking for St. Paul or a crack Anti-Terrorist FBI group. A drapery shop? Come on.

GREEN BAY PACKERS: Well let's see: Brett Favre was an average quarterback and the Packers made the NFC Championship game. Very little has changed other than Favre. All Rodgers has to do is e an average QB, and the Pack should be at least fairly successful this season. So there you go. I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict that the Packers' season rests in Aaron Rodgers hands. Ballsy? Yes. But that's why you read DWG. Also, Ryan Grant might even be worse Brandon Jacobs.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Relax, nerds. Yes the defense looks like the '85 Bears, but there's no Buddy Ryan and Mike Ditka here, just a non-genius named Chilly. Let's not forget the QB is untested, unsmart, and ungood. If they could just hand the ball to AP and/or Chuck Taylor all game they'd be set. Unfortunately, they have to actually throw the ball to whoever those guys are they have. I still think a good offense would be the wishbone, with T-Jax, AP, Chuck, and Tapeh. Come on! It's brilliant!

ATLANTA FALCONS:
Let the Matt Ryan era begin! What better way to forget about a crappy black thug QB who hates dogs and people and can't throw than with a clean cut whitebread drop back passer! It's a like a Disney movie produced by David Duke. The most interesting thing here, other than that of course, is if Michael "The Burner" Turner can be an every down back. After backing up the Black Jesus and doing a bang up job, he gets the big bucks and the big carries. Of course, the team is basically pretty terrible, so it's a thankless job, but he should be less than terrible.

CAROLINA PANTHERS:
With DeShaun Foster out of the way, it's finally DeAngelo Williams time to shine. Except for that pesky first round rookie running back Jonathan Stewart. He's a power back, and the rumor is the Panthers want to go with a power attack, so it still may not be DeAngelo's time. If Delhomme is back 100% healthy and Steve Smith stops beating fools who step to him up, the Panthers will have the offense to go with the defense and will be a top contender. If Delhomme can't do it, maybe Brett Basanez will finally get the chance he's always deserved.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Remember how awesome the Saints were supposed to be last season? And then they started out 0-4 and had to scramble and ended up missing the playoffs, a season even more disappointing than Reggie Bush's career so far. I know, I didn't think it was possible either. So add in Jeremy Shockey and what do you get? A team where Deuce gets hurt again and Bush can't carry the load, so they miss the playoffs again.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: The Bucs should consider themselves lucky they didn't "win" the Brett Favre sweepstakes, as Jeff Garcia will well-outproduce the Vicodin All-Star. Sadder Buc QB news is that Tampa let go of Chris Simms. This is quite a sad day in the W household, as Simms was a superstar in Madden 2004 for the Amity Island Sharks. Sad day.

So there you have it, a little bit for each team. If I forgot anybody, I don't care go to hell. Post season stuff:

DIVISION WINNERS: New England, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Dallas, Arizona, Green Bay, Carolina

WILDCARDS: Houston, Cleveland, Minnesota, Seattle

AFC CHAMPION: Indianapolis over New England
NFC CHAMPION: Dallas over Carolina

SUPERBOWL: Indianapolis over Dallas

OFFENSIVE MVP: Peyton Manning
DEFENSIVE MVP: Mario Williams
OFFENSIVE ROY: Matt Ryan
DEFENSIVE ROY: I have no clue. Like anybody cares.

I don't really have anywhere else to mention this, but I expect Tedd Ginn and Calvin Johnson to have breakout seasons this year. Also, I'm already sick of football.

8 comments:

Trig said...

It's about time, I couldn't wait to see what silly nonsensical gibberish you would have for us this year. Where does one even begin? AZ wins the west, Edge returns. Edge is 30, he's done. And Andre Johnson is 27 idiot, he's like 4 years away from retirement.

Why do you ridicule Brady and fawn all over Manning? Brady is a man's man, ultimate teammate, and a complete gamer. Manning is a bigger whore than PA, "hey if you pay me enough, I hump it," the epitome of a dog shit teammate, and a choking mutt (insert blind squirrel line). Let me guess, you think LT2 is classy and a great teammate too.

P.S. The Williams sisters look even hotter when they are out there together.

WWWWWW said...

He's a better QB. I could give two shits about their personalities.

Trig said...

Now you're just being silly, Brady is better than Manning and you know it, so does Sidler and so do the people of Indiana.

WWWWWW said...

Please.

JP Losnman said...

WWWW, I/We want a top five players to watch list so we can tear you apart in November. Please!!!!

WWWWWW said...

Write your own.

WWWWWW said...

Ok fine. Later.

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