Monday, September 8, 2008

Oh My Sweet Jesus

Wow. Tavaris is not a good QB. And there's no possible way anybody could think differently. Unless they're really dumb. Bogart probably loves him.

Actually, he'd be a really good college QB. Highly mobile. Can only make one read and if it's not there takes off running. Routes he can throw to are limited to slant, swing, screen, and fly. Questionable decision making. Perfect for like, the Gophers. A nice step up from I-AA. Good job, T-Jax.

Additionally, how much does Aaron Rodgers want to be Brett Favre? Let's see, you have the ill advised random toss deep downfield that works out. You have poor throws in the redzone that find where they need to go (that TD pass was either the best throw of all time or very lucky - you go ahead and guess which). And, even worse, you have the constant unsnapping of the chin strap after every single god damn play. Throw in a vicodin addiction and making his wife get cancer and you get Favre. But I miss the long hair, he looked exactly like Cook, a friend of a friend. But less pretentious. It's funnier if you know him.

So, my real issue here is with Vikings fans. What the hell is wrong with you people? You embarrass me. Here are my favorite people from tonight.

1. Guy in the Vikings Crocs. Crocs are pretty much the worst invention ever. Girls can kind of get away with them, but they have boobs so they could pretty much get away with anything. But on a guy? And Vikings crocs? Do you have zero self respect? At what point in your life do you not only give up on respectable footwear, but go with a team-themed version? And it's not like regular sandals are so uncomfortable you have to go with something else. Jesus, you make socks with sandals guy look like a fashion wizard.

2. The guy in the Rod Smith jersey. This guy was awesome, and I'm not kidding. it's nice to see someone else appreciate a top 5 receiver of all-time.

3. The dude in the Chris Walsh jersey. My feelings on Chris Walsh jerseys are well documented. I have nothing more to add. Except to say just stop it.

4. The chomo in the specially made #35 jersey with his own last name on the back. Honestly, if you know anybody with their own name on the back of a Vikings jersey, you should probably sit them down and have a long talk. There's so much wrong with this I can't even describe it. When I saw this dude, I thought "How sad." When Mrs. W saw him, she said, "What's wrong with that guy?" and when Snacks was told about him, he said "did you tell your daughter people like that can't be trusted?" I mean, it's a just a sample size of three, but I think if you take a poll of America, the overwhelming majority would call this guy a douche.

5. The dude wearing the Onterrio Smith jersey. I'm not even exactly sure how to react here. Snacks said, "That will never go out of style" and I'm inclined to agree. You know, it's a special kind of flame out that involves whizzinators and what not. Also that Brody dude from the Hills is a total ass. Heidi is so stupid for staying with him. I mean, come on.

6. The guy with the Troy Williamson jersey. You know, I feel like I'm being too hard on Bogart here, but if anybody I know would ever buy a Williamson jersey, it's him. You know, get super pumped about his potential and go all out and throw a bunch of money at him and get no payoff. Much like the Viking front office.

7. Every chick in a pink jersey. STOP.

8. The guy who needed to talk about 8 thousand decibels too loudly while telling his friend about the plays that the Vikings should have called or what T-Jax should have done. Look, I think Jackson is just as horrid a QB as you do, really he is, but you aren't better, and you wouldn't make better decisions. And no matter how poorly you think the play calls are, I'd bet Childress knows this shit infinitely better than you do. He's making millions. You're in a shitty ass bar, wearing your faded Culpepper jersey with your porn stache and ranting and raving like a crazy psychopathic lunatic. I was going to say more but now I'm distracted because Audrina and LC are arguing and I'm hoping they make out.

9. No such luck. And I can't remember all the other people I hated, but it occurs to me that the perfect burger may very well be a juicy lucy, but using pepper jack cheese and cajun spices on the burger part. Dear lord, I'm going to have to try that.


The Sidler said...

What is worse, Vikings Crocs or dudes wearing purple and gold beads? I say the beads are much worse. The commercial with the guy proudly telling Peterson about wearing beads to the game is sad.

These "professional" Madden players scare the hell out of me.

The Onterrio Smith jersey is timeless.

snacks said...

Are you kidding? How is it not hot to see a chick in a pink vikings jersey? You can have your homely ass tv stars, I'll take my hot chicks in pink jerseys.

Justin Bobby said...

Dipshit - Heidi is with Spencer not Brody. Brody is Kim Cardashian's step brother.

PS If you hate Vikings fans so much maybe stay home and watch the game rather then go to a bar for Monday Night Football featuring the Vikes and Packers.

bogart said...

I just want to set the record straight - I was never a T-Jax or Williamson "guy." I understand your assumption about T-Jax, because of the whole Vick / V. Young thing, but Williamson? Come on. I think I'm being treated unfairly on this blog and might go the way of Dawger if it continues. I do think Casino (Eddie Royal) is the shit though. Where was he on your top five "young" players to look out for list?

bogart said...

By the way, I've never owned a Williamson jersey. I've only owned two NFL jerseys my entire life - Randy Moss and Cade McNown, both of which I still ocassionally wear.

WWWWWW said...

Justin Bobby - I'm not an expert on the Hills, especially when it comes to which dude is which. And I don't hate Vikings fans, I just don't get it.

Bogart - I apologize. I agree I treated you unfairly, but in my defense, I'm kind of an ass. And I had no idea who Eddie Royal was until last night.

Justin Bobby said...

Sorry, you just refer to The Hills every other post so I thought maybe you should sound like you knew what you were talking about.

Heidi with Brody, haha, thats just proposterous!

The Todd said...

Crocs are the bomb but even I'm not pathetic enough to get a team themed pair. You really need to try them. They are the perfect fat man's footwear. Comfortable as they are retarded looking. Trust me on this one. Would I lead you astray? I think not.

I agree with Snacks on this one. Chicks that wear pink jerseys are way hot.

WWWWWW said...

I'm not entirely certain why I wrote that last night about the pink jerseys. A hot chick in a pink jersey looks awesome. An ugly chick in a pink jersey looks even more retarded. That's probably what I was thinking of.

Anonymous said...

Save your money on vikings crocs, and buy some gopher crocs instead.

Oh and why did 2 gopher blogs both give you props today when you have done nothing amazing in some time?

Randy Moss said...

Straight cash, homey.

WWWWWW said...


Tiffany said...

Bogart- You have been portrayed perfectly on this site by WWWWW. Gambling problem (check), poor eye for NFL QB talent (check), love of wearing NFL jerseys (check) and poor skin (check). I would say WWWWW has you pegged perfectly.

n. armstrong said...

Don't forget - 5) being richer than astronauts (check)

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