Tuesday Talkings

I wasn't planning on posting anything tonight because, let's face it, just the idea of writing two days in a row makes me tired, but there's nothing else to do.

-  I'm watching the Twins for some reason (it's currently 3-2 Twinkies in the 2nd) and holy crap is Chris Davis the worst hitter ever.  Last night, when the Rangers scored something like 30 runs and had 64 hits, he went 0-6 and made two errors.  Now I've just watched him just wildly flail at two Pavano pitches.  He strikes me as the kind of guy who can crush a fastball if you try to blow it passed him, but any finesse whatsoever and he's hacking at it like Delmon Young wearing a blindfold.  Should end up being a hell of a softball player in a few years.

-  You want to know what sucks worse than Jose Mijares?  When you make a bet against Ryan Howard doing well because he's going up against Tim Lincecum and then Lincecum is scratched with the flu and Barry freaking Zito gets the start instead and gives up a home run to Howard in the first inning.

-  As you could have predicted there are a ton of rumors/stories/whatever regarding NFL player movement since they're actually going to play now, and there are plenty regarding your precious Vikings - McNabb, Sid Rice, Tavaris Jackson, Ray Edwards, and Kyle Orton are all linked to Vikings in one way or another.  I was going to run down each of these things individually but then I yawned and now I'm bored.  So I'll just say that T-Jax going to Seattle makes me giggle.  And lest you think they are just handing him a starting gig they've also signed sexy Matt Leinart.  And they still have Charlie Whitehurst who I'm pretty sure is a werewolf.  So yeah, I'd say they're in pretty good shape. 

 -  Other than that I guess losing Sidney Rice would be a big deal, but only because they don't have any other options, not because he's all that good.  He had one good year because Brett Favre realized that you can just throw the ball up high to him and no matter how not open he actually was he'd just go catch it.  Give him a real QB and he can't do jack.  Do you really think Ponder is going to come in and start flinging the ball around like he's playing drunk foosball?  No.  He needs precise route runners with good hands who can get open.  Rice can't do that.  If he comes back to the Vikes he's going to be bust city.  With Seattle he'd have a fighting chance, if only because none of sexy, crappy, or the werewolf are real QBs so they might buy into the whole "lob it up" strategy.

That being said, the Vikes still need him because what's the other option here, Bernard Berrian?  Buzz.  Your girlfriend.  Woof. 

-  Those two broads behind home plate are ridiculously hot.  God bless Texas.

-  I can't prove it, but I strongly suspect Carl Pavano is actually pitching underhanded.  It's the only explanation.

-  I finished the new Song of Ice and Fire book (same series that gave us the Game of Thrones TV show) and I'm stunned.  I cannot believe Voldemort was Frodo's father.  That is just stunning.

-  Chris Davis is the next Brooks Robinson.  Just so smooth, and such a termendous gloveman.

-  J.J. Hardy hit two home runs tonight.  That gives him 16 homers on the year.  You know who else has 16 homers this year?  The entire Twins roster combined.  Fact.  Hardy has become a top five shortstop in all the majors, meanwhile the Twins are hoping either a foreigner who dances around at the plate like Natalie Portman in that lesbian movie or a 28-year old who everyone is still waiting to reach his potential to take over the SS role.  Great.  At least the guys they got when they traded Hardy have done really well. 

-  FUN FACT:  Justin Verlander is completely unhittable against everyone in the league other than the Chicago White Stockings.  Tonight's line: 8ip, 7 hits, 1 walk, 7 Ks, 4 ERs.  Not bad, right?  As a Twins fan we'd take it every night, but not a great outing for Verlander.  The interesting part?  That's just the third time he's given up more than 3 earned runs in a start this year - two of them against the White Sox.  That's just the 8th time he's allowed as many as 7 hits in a game - three of those were against the White Sox.  That's just the 7th time he's had 7 or fewer strikeouts - 3 against the White Sox.  He's allowed 14 home runs this year - six of them against the Sox.  And it doesn't really matter because Detroit won and Verlander got the win, but it's kind of interesting.  Nobody else can hit him.  

-  Matt Capps just threw a fastball that was 93mphand pretty clearly had significant tail on it.  I'm pretty stunned too.  This is just like the ending of The Village - never saw it coming.

-  FUN FACT:  If Tim Lincecum is supposed to pitch and gets scratched they wipe out all player prop bets for that game.  The good news is that I didn't lose my Ryan Howard bet now.  The bad news is that I also had a bet on Aubrey Huff to not get an RBI and Vance Worley to throw more than 99.5 pitches, both won, neither was remotely affected by Lincecum not pitching, and neither is a win now.  Not fair.

-  Thome just came a few feet away from an opposite field jack to take the lead in the ninth.  Which is extra funny because I was just typing how I was watching this game and barely typed anything about it because the Twins have broken my brain.  Also funny - teh ball Thome hit should have been caught by Hamilton.  Looked like he misjudged it a little, got a little off-balance, and lunged a little too far in the wrong direction.  Just like that guy he killed by tossing him a ball.

Too soon?

-  Nishioka is a retarded version of Ichiro, and he just tied the game with a retarded version of a hit by hitting a bouncer up the middle and getting an infield hit out of it.  I really kind of hate him.  Only partially because of racist reasons.

-  Mauer pinch hitting.  Runners on the corners, tie game, one out.  Texas playing back at all infield positions.  You know why?  Because Joe Mauer is god damn ground ball machine and they know they can turn two.  Announcer guys are stunned by them playing back, but that's because they're idiots.  If you took a pitching machine and pointed it at the ground and fed it balls and had a contest with Mauer to see who could hit the most consecutive balls on the ground I'm pretty sure the machine would win.

-  Well fuck me.  You know that Simpsons episode where Skinner says something like, "You know none of these kids are going to college" and then when he realizes the kids are listening he says "Prove me wrong kids, prove me wrong"?  Well that's what I was doing there - daring Mauer to prove me wrong.  I'm a great motivator.

-  I also was going to try to look that quote up and to do it I just typed "google.com" into the google search engine box.  Maybe it turns out I'm the dumb one?

-  By the way, when Nathan blows this one I'm going to bed and not sticking around for extras.  I've got the new James Rollins book to read.

-  Ripped single, fielder's choice, hit batter, strikeout, strikeout and the Twins win and I gotta say, that was vintage Nathan:  some very good unhittable stuff with some terrible pitches mixed in.  He's back, baby.  Now somebody trade something good for him.

Weekend Review - 8/24/2009

Yep, it's about time to bring back the Weekend Reviews every Monday. Let's get started. I could probably have mentioned Michael Cuddyer's two homers in one inning as being awesome, and it was, but I'm not going to.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Matt Hasselbeck. Yes, it's preseason football so really gives a crap, but you can still pay attention to a few things; one of which is that Hasselbeck is poised for a big year. He's coming off a year when he was hurt most of the season, and he sucked even when he did play, putting up a career worst 2-to-1 INT to TD ratio, so he's sort of been forgotten, but he could easily return to his 2007 form. Remember, not only was Hasselbeck hurt last year, but his his top two recievers, Deion Branch and Nate Burleson, were both hurt all year. This year, not only are those two back, but he now has a bona fide #1 in T.J. Houshmanzilly. And there is still no running game to speak off, so they're going to have to chuck it. It's going to be a good year.

2. Tavaris Jackson. If you read the live blog I did of the great Brett Favre's first Viking appearance, you know that I switched over to the Twins game as soon as the world's biggest attention queen left the game. I wish I wouldn't have, because according to the box score and Theory, T-Jax put on a straight up clinic. The numbers are gaudy, 12-15 for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns, and the reviews are glowing. Personally, I hope this gets somebody interested enough to give the Vikes a fifth round pick for him. No chance this guy becomes anything more than a poor man's Vince Young - and that is poor indeed, no matter what Bogart says.

3. John Smoltz. I don't know if it was the motivation that comes from getting cut, or facing a team in the Padres who really can't hit, but Smoltzy reached back in time and tossed a gem on Sunday in his debut with the Cardinals. Well, gem is probalby a bit strong, considering he only threw five innings, but giving up no runs and three hits while striking out 9 in those five innings is impressive, particularly coming from a guy who got destroyed when he was tossing for the Red Sox. The Cards have the hitting to make a run (and Pujols hit #40 yesterday), and if Smotlz can solidify an already very good pitching staff they will leap the Dodgers as the NL favorite.

4. Jay Cutler. I don't like to say nice things about other people in the NFC North, or about drunks because drinking is wrong and against God's word, but Cutler suddenly makes the division seem extra interesting. He played in just three series Saturday night, and managed to direct that shitty Bears offense to scores in all three - 2 TDs and a field goal. He did Cutler-like things, going just 8 for 13, but racking up 121 yards and a TD in the team's 17-3 win over the Giants - a pretty good defense. If Cutler gets that offense in gear, we are looking at a three horse race in the division.

5. Charlie Haeger. You're wondering who this is, and so I'll tell you. He's a knuckleballer for the Dodgers, and I love knuckleballers who aren't named Dickey, so this is even more exciting. On Saturday, Heager pitched a honey of a game against the Cubs going seven innings and giving up just three hits while striking out seven. That makes two starts for Haeger this year since being called up, and he's gone seven in each and has tallied an ERA of 1.93 and a WHIP of 0.86. Could this be the dominant knuckle ball pitcher American has been waiting for all this years? Yes, yes I think it could. And he's working with Charlie Hough, which can only help.

WHO SUCKED

1. Mark Buehrle. Remember when Buehrle set a record for most consecutive batters faced without allowing a runner, including his perfect game? Well things have sort of gone all to hell since then. After getting racked for five runs and 11 hits in 5 1/3 innings against the Orioles on Sunday, he's now gone 0-4 with an ERA over six since that perfect game. I don't really care, because he's half a fag and the White Sox are nothing but a collection of pedophiles and rapists, but I thought I'd point out that noted butt pirate Mark Buehrle sucked this weekend.

2. Arizona Diamondbacks. They beat the Astros on Sunday, so that takes a little bit of sting out of this, but prior to yesterday they had lost seven straight. They've been awful all season, and my preseason pick to win the NL pennant is currently sitting at fifteen games below .500, 19 games out of first in the division, and 15.5 out of the Wild Card. How could this happen you ask? Brandon Webb blowing out his shoulder after one start didn't help, but overall the starting pitching has been good, and the offense has been ok. The bullpen, however, has been a nightmare, putting up the fifth worse bullpen ERA in all of baseball. Scott Shoenweiss, who is fifth on the team in games pitched, is sporting an ERA over 8. Dan Haren is still awesome though.

3. Matthew Stafford. I already hit on an NFC North QB, so why not another one? The difference is that this one sucks. Yeah, yeah, he's a rookie and everything so we shouldn't expect him to be a star right away, but 5-13, 34 yards, and a pick on his very first attempt isn't exactly reassuring, especially when Culpepper played well and Drew Stanton threw a touchdown pass. He wasn't exactly rosey his first time out either, completing half his passes and going for 1 touch and 1 interception. Obviously as a rookie it's not quite time to give up on him or anything, but I'd say it's looking more like Culpepper will be the starter, and I'd guess for the entire season. At least one of the teams in the division will suck.

4. Cowboys Stadium. I mentioned here before that when I drove passed Cowboys Stadium it looked like a metal garbage dumpster, and it sounds like Jerry Jones tried to spruce the place up by putting a giant, 160 foot HD TV screen above the field. There's just one small problem: it's getting in the way. Titans' punter A.J. Trapasso hit the video screen with a punt in the Titans/Cowboys game this weekend, and the Titans actual punter, veteran Craig Hentrich, said that he and Trapasso both hit it several time in warm ups, and that any punt with a five second hang time is going to hit the screen. Jerry Jones response, "You don't gotta move it. The rule is very clear, you just kick it over." So it sounds like Jones screwed up by putting it to low, and now that it's going to be a major issue, his response is to ignore it and make teams take a do-over whenever it happens. This whole story is like a metaphor for the Jerry Jones era.

5. Harrison Barnes. I didn't read this and I haven't bothered to look it up, but according to the radio this morning, Mr. Barnes narrowed his possible schools list to six: UNC, Duke, UCLA, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Iowa State. You'll notice there is no Minnesota on the list. Really a shame too. I was looking forward to stealing and Ice Cube lyric so I could say, "If you F with Barnes, he leaves scars." I guess I'll save that one.

Honorable sucking mention to Super Sioux Fan. Not only has she stopped posting or commenting on this blog, but here own wildly entertaining blog, Diary of a Sioux Fan, has not only been killed, but she deleted every post she ever made as well. You suck, SSF.

Welcome to Minnesota, Pete Rose! (and then Twins)

7:00 - Well he's here, the Pete Rose of football. I'm glad he's here because I think he gives the Vikes the best chance to do more than limp to an NFC Central title and a first round bounce, but I still hate him. In any case he's here, and like all the rest of you ass clowns, I can't help it but I need to get a look at this. So why not blog it? Also, Mrs. W is super annoyed right now. She doesn't like football, hates Favre, and especially hates the preseason because there shouldn't be football in August. Plus, I never watch the preseason, ever, so this is extra irritating right now. I might have to watch something like Mona Lisa Smile to get back in her good graces after this. I hope you're freaking happy.

7:03 - The superlatives are flying.

7:04 - This commercial with Paul Allen "announcing the couple" bringing their couch inside their house, and then they pull the sheet off and it's a Vikings couch? It needs to go. It's embarrassing. And does anybody else thing PA is just a little too into his job. Jesus, dude, relax. He's going to have a heart attack within three years. I won't miss him.

7:06 - Percy Harvin and Favre shake hands, right as the camera is zoomed in on them. Yeah, that's not contrived.

7:07 - Sideline chick (note: not hot) has her microphone not work when they go to her for a story that was presumably about Favre and Booty, since they showed their pictures. Nice job ABC. This is why you lost your NFL contract. Well, actually it was because of money, but still.

7:09 - Vikes start on D, and force major pressure on Cassel two of the three downs and stuff old ass Larry Johnson on second down. Of course, Cassel still manages to find the world' s fattest, slowest, whitest tight end for 12 yards and a first down.

7:11 - Chiefs fumble, Vikes recover. Good defense. Of course, when KC refuses to throw the ball to one of the best receivers in football (Dwayne "the Show" Bowe) that'll happen. By the way, if you don't think Bowe is having a huge year, you really need to axe somebody.

7:14 - Favre's first pass attempt as a Vike: attempted two yard dump to some dumbass fullback - two feet in front of him, incomplete. Freakin' Tavaris could have done that. My football wang remains flaccid.

7:15 - Third and eight. Favre completes to Harvin (Favrin?) but shy of the first down by a half yard. That looks really familiar. They go for it on foruth down and AP gets stuffed. Chefs ball. I don't know, I would have put in Chester Taylor right there. Or ran a half back pass.

7:19 - In all seriousness though, do you realize that with Brett Favre at QB Thomas Jones led the AFC in rushing last season. Thomas Jones. T-Jones. Yes, that one. I'm serious. I'm not making this up. No, I will not shut up. Yeah, I'd put the over/under for AP yards this season at about 2,800.

7:21 - Catch Dwayne Bowe! Thirteen yards and another KC Chief.....FIRST DOWN!!!!

7:24 - Challenged by the Vikes, overturned. What do you think the combined IQ of the coaches of the Twins and Vikings is? Dawger + Super Sioux Fan level?

7:25 - The Twins are already down 1-0. Of course they are.

7:27 - Field goal, and it's 3-0 Chiefs. The Royals are about one hit away from having that same lead on your precious Twins and Nick Blackburn. Wow. Twins/Royals. Vikings/Chiefs. What a night to be alive.

7:30 - After a fake reverse kick return by Percy (which I admit got me kind of excited) we see Favre running back out for another series. Announcer guy definitely has a boner. I remain unmoved.

7:31 - I hate to divulge secrets when I know many of my fantasy golf leaguemates read this blog, but I have to just tell you that I know who is going to win the Fed Ex Cup: Padraig Harrington. Book it.

7:32 - If the Twins get beat by Luke Hochevar I quit. He doesn't even bend his hat brim. And he's white. Christ.

7:33 - Favre throws one about five thousand miles an hour, but misses the receiver by approx. 100 feet. Announcer guy wants us to know, "I'm ok with that. That should be a completion once the QB and receiver get to know each other." I can't wait until they're still saying that in week 9.

7:34 - Big time blitz not picked up. Instead of eating the ball, Favre tosses it up randomly like you would do in Madden when you're facing Engage 8 (unless you're the Colts). Luckily it just harmlessly hits the ground. These two series were super unfulfilling. I have to watch Mona Lisa Smile for this?

7:35 - Oh god the chin strap thing! Maybe nothing has annoyed me more over the years than Favre's constant need to unhook his chin strap the second the play is over - every. single. time. And now I have to root for that guy. I didn't realize how hard this would be.

7:39 - Bad thing number two, as I once again listen to the announcer say things like, "Man, Favre is down there talking football with Berrian, I want to be down there" - the constant, constant, constant, overstated praise of Favre, not matter what the situation actually is. I don't know that I can handle this. Also the defense seems to be sacking Cassel a lot, which I think is good.

7:42 - T-Jax in. At least he can't be worse than Favre.

7:44 - Ok, he was worse. He just scrambled, ran five yards passed the line of scrimmage, and then threw a pass. Oh, sure, the receiver was open. That'll happen when you run where the linebackers used to be before you toss the ball. My god. It's time to cut bait.

7:48 - Another Royal ding-dong. Blackburn sucks and so do the Twins. I can't do this anymore.

8:40 - I'm back. Did you miss me? BB Gun decided to start throwing BBs, and somehow the Twins scratched out three runs against this year's Pedro Martinez, and we're all tied at 3-3 heading to the 7th.

8:41 - Cuddyer whiffs on three pitches, the last being a slider so far outside and so far in the dirt that a retarded monkey with a hairlip wouldn't have gone after it. That dude is driving me crazy.

8:44 - According to Coomer the ball Crede just hit, "Would have been out of here if he hadn't hit it in August." What. The. Eff.

8:47 - They're forcing Ragarm McTiredarm out there for the bottom of the seventh because everybody in the bullpen (save Nathan) is currently icing their arms thanks to this starting rotation. I'm expecting bad things.

8:56 - T-Jax is 9-11 for 117 yards and a touch? I almost wish I had kept watching.

Almost.

8:59 - Well I was wrong. Still tied, top o' eight on it's way.

9:04 - Casilla bunts Gomez over to second after Gomez got on first somehow. I'm not sure, I wasn't paying attention. In any case, here is a spot I actually agree with a sac bunt. I generally agree with a sac bunt most times when it's used properly. When Gardy has Cabrera sac bunt in the first, however, is where we have problems.

9:10 - Twins take the lead on a Span single and the worst throw I've ever seen from the KC center fielder. Also the remote control is missing.

9:12 - Tavaris is now 12-15 for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns. I almost wish I had been watching to see how this was possible.

9:16 - Yeah, you go ahead and walk Mauer to face Kubel. Let's see how that works.

9:18 - Dammit.

9:21 - I FOUND THE REMOTE!!!!!

9:25 - Dwayne Bowe had a TD today. Expect to hear that about 16 times this season.

9:29 - The Guerrier/Mijares combo works how it was supposed to all year (including a pick offed runner at first), and we head to the ninth with the Twinks still up a point.

9:30 - Did Strasburg end up signing with the Nationals? Jesus I don't even know. Hold on.

9:31 - Yep, four years, 15.1 million. Everything I've heard says he could pitch now. I'm assuming the Nats will at least hold off until next season, but I'm looking forward to seeing this kid. Hopefully he doesn't follow in Mark Prior's foot steps.

9:34 - It's bizarre to me that Cuddyer just struck out. I mean, this is equivalent to striking out Joe Sewell.

9:35 - Crede flies out to center. I'm guessing if it wasn't August that ball is gone.

9:36 - Del-Money hits like he usually does, and we go bottom (like your mom). Nathan on. I'm struggling to stay interested.

9:42 - Nathan struggling to handle Teahen of all people. This doesn't bode well. I'm predicting extra innings.

9:43 - Teahen grounds out. This whole thing with Calipari is kind of garbage, to be honest. Suddenly Memphis is not only vacating it's most succesful season ever, but is also on probation for the next there years (I haven't seen what this entails).

Say what you want about Calipari's culpability (I've heard excuses that neither Memphis or Cal knew Rose cheated on the SAT), but this is the second time he's taken a team to the final four only to have that appearance stricken from the record books due to cheating - and yet once again he has escaped scott free.

Let's be honest here, the guy is dirty as all hell, he's just been pretty good about staying ahead of the law. Kentucky is the perfect place for him. Those rednecks will do everything they can to cover for him. Marriage made in heaven.

Oh yeah. Rose took his fraudulent SAT test in Detroit. He's from Chicago. A lot easier to have someone take a test for you in a state you aren't from. I have a very hard time believing Calipari didn't know this.

9:47 - Someone named Brian Pena (related to Tony? I don't know) just tied the game. Told you Nathan didn't have it. I suppose when your team gets you a save chance once every month you probably get a bit rusty.

9:50 - Coomer (is this even Coomer? I'm just guessing. Where's Bert? What's happening?) goes with the "the ball doesn't carry in August" angle again as some guy I've never heard of almost wins the game with a ball that only goes off the wall. You know, that might possibly even be a true thing, but when I hear some jackass just popping off on a broadcast, I need a little more than anecdotal evidence. And now we head to extras. Brian Pena is a dickweed.

9:56 - Oh good, Soria is in. The new Mariano Rivera. Assuming he goes two innings, no chance the Twins could possibly win this until the tenth. And they just showed Jesse Crain warming in the Twins' pen. This couldn't be more over.

9:59 - Casilla bloop, Cabrera bloop misplayed by Willy freaking Bloomquist and the Twins go back on top. Horseshoe up ass kind of stuff going on here.

10:00 - Another intential walk of Mauer. Don't let me down Kubes.

10:06 - Oh, I forgot to mention that he let me down. Nathan still pitching. One out, one on.

10:14 - Two runners on with nobody out, and Alberto Callaspo has fouled off about six straight two strike pitches. There's no way he should still be in there. Nathan doesn't have it tonight, and we saw he didn't have it last inning. I know what you're thinking, "Who else could they put in?" and I have no idea, but it's clear Nathan is not on his game tonight. And Callaspo fouled off two more pitches while I was typing that. This is ridiculous.

10:18 - Joe Nathan has thrown 48 pitches. Joe Nathan has thrown 48 pitches. JOE NATHAN HAS THROWN 48 PITCHES. Ok, 49 now. Great job Gardy.

10:20 - Fifty.

10:21 - I can't find a website where I can get pitch counts by game, but I'm willing to wager my house that this is the most pitches Nathan has ever thrown in a game as a Twin, and I would almost bet it's the most a closer has thrown since the early 80s, or at least towards the top of that list.

10:22 - 52

10:23 - Line out. Twins win. Nathan's arm probably shot. Not that it matters. This season is a dick.

Weekend Review

Can't really put Gopher hoops in either category this week. A win over Michigan State to go along with the Ohio State win would have put them in the Awesome column, but they certainly didn't suck. My thoughts on the games are in previous posts, but I'm very wary of this game at Iowa this week. I think this game will go a long way towards telling us what kind of team the Gophers are this year. If they can't win at Iowa, you might as well mark down all road games not against Indiana or Penn State as a loss. More on that later in the week.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Arkansas Hoops. Maybe the most surprising team this season, the Razorbacks are 11-1 with a win over #4 Oklahoma this week and heading into SEC play as a suddenly interesting team. Sure, none of their other 10 wins are against anybody good, but that sounds an awful lot like the Gophers. And why not? Maybe the biggest reason for their fast start (they were picked last in the SEC) is one-time Gopher target point guard Courtney Fortson. If you recall, Fortson was ranked #60 on the Rivals 150, and was their 9th ranked point guard, and chose Arkansas over the Gophers, Tennesse, Florida State, and Missouri. He’s certainly lived up to his high billing, teaming with vastly improved big man Michael Washington (from 4.3 points and 3.9 rebs per game to 15.9 and 10.4) to revitalize the Razorbacks, leading the only Arkansas fan I know to say, “Hawgball is back.” Um, ok. But I do know Fortson is the real deal, as he’s averaging 15.5 points, 5.5 rebounds, and 7.1 assists per game (third in the nation) and nearly put up a triple double in the big win over the Sooners, going for 12 points, 10 assists, and 8 rebounds. His turnovers are a little high at 4 per game, but hell, he’s a freshman whose only 5-11 and he’s putting up those numbers? I’d take it.

2. Utah Football. Well I’m going to go ahead and say that was a pretty big win, stomping all over former #1 team in the country Alabama 31-17 in the Sugar Bowl to finish up as the only undefeated D-I team in the country. The Utes used their underrated and underappreciated speed to jump out to a 21-0 nothing lead right out of the gate, and to harass Bama QB John Parker Wilson (dude, just go by J.P.) all night, picking him off twice and sacking him 8 times despite the supposed stronger, faster, and more powerful Crimson Tide offensive line. What I thought was even more impressive was that after falling behind 21-0, Bama scored the next 17 to cut the lead to four. Just when it looked like Utah’s fast start might be wiped out, they shut ‘em down, scoring the next 10 points to get to the final margin. My favorite part was the radio guy whose name I didn’t get I heard ranting the next day about how this was the one time in 100 games where Utah would beat Alabama, how they wouldn’t beat USC in 100 tries, and how the only reason they won was because Bama didn’t care, and he “guaranteed” the Crimson Tide spent their month of practice before the game “working on other things” and “didn’t even prepare for this game.” What? First of all, you’re an idiot. Secondly, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And lastly, Utah stomped the shit out of Alabama; that’s a very good team right there in Mormonsylvania.

3. Michigan State Hoops. Yep, they get this spot again after a couple of very nice road wins to start the Big Ten season, following up the whoopin’ they gave your beloved Gophers by beating a much improved Northwestern team in Evanston 77-66 on Saturday to move to 2-0 in conference played, tied with Wisconsin at the top. Kalin Lucas, Chris Allen, and Raymar Morgan were once again the catalyst, leading the team with a pair of excellent games a piece. Lucas followed up his 24 point destruction of the Gophers with 17 points and 9 assists, making sure the Wildcats’ Michael Thompson knew he didn’t belong anywhere near the best PG in the Big Ten list. Chris Allen stayed hotter than Valerie Malone, going for four more three pointers and 17 points, and Raymar Morgan’s under the radar double/double against the Gophers (10 & 10) was much more obvious, this time going for 22 & 13. After the first weekend of Big Ten play, it’s very much looking like it’s the Spartans and everyone else. I still think Purdue has a chance to compete with them, but they looked very shaky in their loss to Illinois.

4. Pitt Hoops. I’ve hated the stupid Pitt Panthers every since the Brandin Knight and Carl Krauser days, mostly because those two were queers, but also because they were overrated every year. Every year they would play an essentially worthless non-conference schedule, get ranked in the top 10, play ok in conference, and then get bounced in an upset in the NCAA tournament, but things might be changing. The team is still a bunch of queers, especially Levance Fields, but this might actually be a complete team this season. They made a major statement this week winning both Big East conference games on the road to go to 2-0. First with a win at Rutgers, not a very good team but the RAC is always a tough place to play, and then with a monster win at #11 Georgetown in convincing fashion 70-54, led by monster DeJuan Blair’s 20 points and 17 rebounds. Blair leads the Big East in rebounding at 12.5 per game, and along with forwards Sam Young and Tyrell Biggs gives the Panthers not only a big team but an extremely talented team this year. Pitt has the talent to make a deep run this year, but I’m almost certain Fields will continue the tradition of crappy Pitt point guards and screw it up somehow.

5. Boston College Hoops. This spot was going to go to Wake Forest for their impressive win over BYU in Provo, ending the Cougars 53-game home winning streak, but it’s impossible to ignore BC’s huge win over North Carolina last night, especially because it happened in Chapel Hill in their ACC opener. Naturally, Tyrese Rice led the way for the Eagles with 25 points on 7-13 shooting with 8 assists and five rebounds, and got help from swingman Rakim Sanders who chipped in with 22. BC was able to hold the Tar Heels to just 38% shooting and turned them over 15 times in the win. Ty Lawson (3-13) and Tyler Hansbrough (6-15) both really struggled with their shot, in Hansbrough’s case frequent double teams slowed him down, as well as BC center Josh Southern who did a hell of a job. At least that’s what I read, I really wish I had seen this game so I could form an opinion on just how fluky this result was. Obviously defeating the Heels at home is a huge occurrence, especially for a team who has a loss to St. Louis on their record and whose best win was over Providence before last night. Was this a case of BC turning the corner? Are the Heels vulnerable? Was a UNC weakness uncovered or was this just a weird night? I’LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!!!!!


WHO SUCKED

1. Big Ten Football. God dammit, every year it’s the same “The Big Ten sucks” talk and every year the conference as a whole goes out and proves everybody right, and this year is again no exception. The conference is 1-5 after another embarrassing Rose Bowl loss to USC, this time by Penn State 38-24 in a game that wasn’t nearly that close until the Nittany Lions went on a last quarter rampage and outscored the Trojans 17-7 after USC had given up and put the water boys and cheerleaders in the game. Thankfully Iowa salvaged a modicum of pride by whomping on a horrible South Carolina team 31-10 behind Shonn Greene who it turns out is kind of a pretty big stud. The rest of the conference was pukey. Michigan State lost by 12 to Georgia, Wisconsin got rolled by Florida State by 29, and Kansas thumped our very own Golden Gophers by 21 (btw, you’re kind of an idiot if you didn’t see that coming). Hard to believe Northwestern’s loss was the best non-Iowan result from the bowls, as they lost in OT to Mizzou. Tonight’s game is going to be ugly. I think the spread could be pretty much anything and I’d take Texas over Ohio State. Only the biggest Big Ten homer in the world (Hi Dad) could find anything positive to take out of this bowl season.

2. Gonzaga. Ok, I’ll be honest: I have no idea what is happening here. Going into the season I thought this would legitimately be the Bulldogs best team ever. With Pargo back at the point, Pothead Heytvelt in the post, and Bouldin and Daye on the wing I actually thought this team might be a legit Final Four contender. Instead they’ve lost three straight after losing 66-65 to Utah on Wednesday, and really look more like a bubble team right now. Their only signature win right now is against Tennessee, and with the WCC looking down as St Mary’s and San Diego disappoint, they have two more chances: this week at Tennessee (again, for some reason) and against Memphis mid-season. They should be ok, with a strength of schedule ranked 12th right now, an easy conference, and wins over Oklahoma State and Maryland on the books, an NCAA berth shouldn’t be an issue. Then again, with four losses in the last five games, including against Portland State and Utah, maybe they need to be worried.

3. Minnesota Vikings. I don’t even know what to write, this was incredibly disappointing. Not necessarily because they lost, since it should have been obvious to all that this wasn’t a very good team that basically had no chance to win a Super Bowl or anything, but because it really felt like with a better QB and/or a better coach this game was there for the taking. The defense must be really frustrated right now, since they played an awesome game and were completely undercut by a bad gameplan, poor QB play, and atrocious special teams – all of which can be traced directly back to coaching and Mr. Brad Childress, not to mention the bizarre decision to give the Eagles a field goal by declining a penalty that would have backed them up 10 yards. Of the 26 points the Eagles scored, only the long screen pass to Brian Westbrook TD was really their fault, every other point came about as a result of either an offensive turnover or a long punt return by notorious bonehead DeSean Jackson. Speaking of Jacksons, Tarvaris had a really poor game, even by his standards completing just 15 of 35 passes for 164 yards and one interception, but actually played much worse than that, with several of his incompletions hitting Eagle DBs in the hands and dropping to the ground. Jackson fooled me like many others into thinking he might have figured the game out with a few good outings recently, but I was strongly reminded otherwise by the countless poor throws, bad decisions, and Adam Weber-like staredowns of his #1 options. I’ve never really been a “fire the coach” kind of guy, even giving Mike Tice the benefit of the doubt throughout his tenure, but I’m starting to get on board with the fire Childress brigade, even after a division title (won mostly by default). And they really need to figure out a new solution at QB, whether Cassel, McNabb, or Warner become available or through a trade for Rosenfels or someone. I don't know the answer, but there are a lot of questions.

4. Georgia Tech football. Ok, so I kind of realize that a lot of bowl games are mainly won by the team who is happier to be there or who has more to play for, but some times one team has EVERYTHING going it’s way and they still get rolled, and that’s pretty much what happened with the Yellow Jackets. Playing in the prestigious Chick-Fil-A Bowl essentially in their own backyard in Atlanta against an LSU team that couldn’t have been too excited to be there after a disappointing season where they were ranked #7 to start the year (with a #1 vote) before going 3-5 in the SEC, Georgia Tech got completely whooped on 38-3 by the Tigers, in a game that was 35-3 and basically over by halftime. Tech QB Josh Nesbitt was particularly awesome, completing just 8 of his 24 pass attempts. Seriously, this was a pretty embarrassing performance. I’d rather be a Gopher fan than a Yellow Jacket fan.

5. Notre Dame basketball. If you're a top ten team, you don't lose to St. John's, even on the road. In a very good Big East, wins like that are key and you can't afford to drop that game. And Harangody is overrated.

Oh My Sweet Jesus

Wow. Tavaris is not a good QB. And there's no possible way anybody could think differently. Unless they're really dumb. Bogart probably loves him.

Actually, he'd be a really good college QB. Highly mobile. Can only make one read and if it's not there takes off running. Routes he can throw to are limited to slant, swing, screen, and fly. Questionable decision making. Perfect for like, the Gophers. A nice step up from I-AA. Good job, T-Jax.

Additionally, how much does Aaron Rodgers want to be Brett Favre? Let's see, you have the ill advised random toss deep downfield that works out. You have poor throws in the redzone that find where they need to go (that TD pass was either the best throw of all time or very lucky - you go ahead and guess which). And, even worse, you have the constant unsnapping of the chin strap after every single god damn play. Throw in a vicodin addiction and making his wife get cancer and you get Favre. But I miss the long hair, he looked exactly like Cook, a friend of a friend. But less pretentious. It's funnier if you know him.

So, my real issue here is with Vikings fans. What the hell is wrong with you people? You embarrass me. Here are my favorite people from tonight.

1. Guy in the Vikings Crocs. Crocs are pretty much the worst invention ever. Girls can kind of get away with them, but they have boobs so they could pretty much get away with anything. But on a guy? And Vikings crocs? Do you have zero self respect? At what point in your life do you not only give up on respectable footwear, but go with a team-themed version? And it's not like regular sandals are so uncomfortable you have to go with something else. Jesus, you make socks with sandals guy look like a fashion wizard.

2. The guy in the Rod Smith jersey. This guy was awesome, and I'm not kidding. it's nice to see someone else appreciate a top 5 receiver of all-time.

3. The dude in the Chris Walsh jersey. My feelings on Chris Walsh jerseys are well documented. I have nothing more to add. Except to say just stop it.

4. The chomo in the specially made #35 jersey with his own last name on the back. Honestly, if you know anybody with their own name on the back of a Vikings jersey, you should probably sit them down and have a long talk. There's so much wrong with this I can't even describe it. When I saw this dude, I thought "How sad." When Mrs. W saw him, she said, "What's wrong with that guy?" and when Snacks was told about him, he said "did you tell your daughter people like that can't be trusted?" I mean, it's a just a sample size of three, but I think if you take a poll of America, the overwhelming majority would call this guy a douche.

5. The dude wearing the Onterrio Smith jersey. I'm not even exactly sure how to react here. Snacks said, "That will never go out of style" and I'm inclined to agree. You know, it's a special kind of flame out that involves whizzinators and what not. Also that Brody dude from the Hills is a total ass. Heidi is so stupid for staying with him. I mean, come on.

6. The guy with the Troy Williamson jersey. You know, I feel like I'm being too hard on Bogart here, but if anybody I know would ever buy a Williamson jersey, it's him. You know, get super pumped about his potential and go all out and throw a bunch of money at him and get no payoff. Much like the Viking front office.

7. Every chick in a pink jersey. STOP.

8. The guy who needed to talk about 8 thousand decibels too loudly while telling his friend about the plays that the Vikings should have called or what T-Jax should have done. Look, I think Jackson is just as horrid a QB as you do, really he is, but you aren't better, and you wouldn't make better decisions. And no matter how poorly you think the play calls are, I'd bet Childress knows this shit infinitely better than you do. He's making millions. You're in a shitty ass bar, wearing your faded Culpepper jersey with your porn stache and ranting and raving like a crazy psychopathic lunatic. I was going to say more but now I'm distracted because Audrina and LC are arguing and I'm hoping they make out.

9. No such luck. And I can't remember all the other people I hated, but it occurs to me that the perfect burger may very well be a juicy lucy, but using pepper jack cheese and cajun spices on the burger part. Dear lord, I'm going to have to try that.