Friday, August 21, 2009

Welcome to Minnesota, Pete Rose! (and then Twins)

7:00 - Well he's here, the Pete Rose of football. I'm glad he's here because I think he gives the Vikes the best chance to do more than limp to an NFC Central title and a first round bounce, but I still hate him. In any case he's here, and like all the rest of you ass clowns, I can't help it but I need to get a look at this. So why not blog it? Also, Mrs. W is super annoyed right now. She doesn't like football, hates Favre, and especially hates the preseason because there shouldn't be football in August. Plus, I never watch the preseason, ever, so this is extra irritating right now. I might have to watch something like Mona Lisa Smile to get back in her good graces after this. I hope you're freaking happy.

7:03 - The superlatives are flying.

7:04 - This commercial with Paul Allen "announcing the couple" bringing their couch inside their house, and then they pull the sheet off and it's a Vikings couch? It needs to go. It's embarrassing. And does anybody else thing PA is just a little too into his job. Jesus, dude, relax. He's going to have a heart attack within three years. I won't miss him.

7:06 - Percy Harvin and Favre shake hands, right as the camera is zoomed in on them. Yeah, that's not contrived.

7:07 - Sideline chick (note: not hot) has her microphone not work when they go to her for a story that was presumably about Favre and Booty, since they showed their pictures. Nice job ABC. This is why you lost your NFL contract. Well, actually it was because of money, but still.

7:09 - Vikes start on D, and force major pressure on Cassel two of the three downs and stuff old ass Larry Johnson on second down. Of course, Cassel still manages to find the world' s fattest, slowest, whitest tight end for 12 yards and a first down.

7:11 - Chiefs fumble, Vikes recover. Good defense. Of course, when KC refuses to throw the ball to one of the best receivers in football (Dwayne "the Show" Bowe) that'll happen. By the way, if you don't think Bowe is having a huge year, you really need to axe somebody.

7:14 - Favre's first pass attempt as a Vike: attempted two yard dump to some dumbass fullback - two feet in front of him, incomplete. Freakin' Tavaris could have done that. My football wang remains flaccid.

7:15 - Third and eight. Favre completes to Harvin (Favrin?) but shy of the first down by a half yard. That looks really familiar. They go for it on foruth down and AP gets stuffed. Chefs ball. I don't know, I would have put in Chester Taylor right there. Or ran a half back pass.

7:19 - In all seriousness though, do you realize that with Brett Favre at QB Thomas Jones led the AFC in rushing last season. Thomas Jones. T-Jones. Yes, that one. I'm serious. I'm not making this up. No, I will not shut up. Yeah, I'd put the over/under for AP yards this season at about 2,800.

7:21 - Catch Dwayne Bowe! Thirteen yards and another KC Chief.....FIRST DOWN!!!!

7:24 - Challenged by the Vikes, overturned. What do you think the combined IQ of the coaches of the Twins and Vikings is? Dawger + Super Sioux Fan level?

7:25 - The Twins are already down 1-0. Of course they are.

7:27 - Field goal, and it's 3-0 Chiefs. The Royals are about one hit away from having that same lead on your precious Twins and Nick Blackburn. Wow. Twins/Royals. Vikings/Chiefs. What a night to be alive.

7:30 - After a fake reverse kick return by Percy (which I admit got me kind of excited) we see Favre running back out for another series. Announcer guy definitely has a boner. I remain unmoved.

7:31 - I hate to divulge secrets when I know many of my fantasy golf leaguemates read this blog, but I have to just tell you that I know who is going to win the Fed Ex Cup: Padraig Harrington. Book it.

7:32 - If the Twins get beat by Luke Hochevar I quit. He doesn't even bend his hat brim. And he's white. Christ.

7:33 - Favre throws one about five thousand miles an hour, but misses the receiver by approx. 100 feet. Announcer guy wants us to know, "I'm ok with that. That should be a completion once the QB and receiver get to know each other." I can't wait until they're still saying that in week 9.

7:34 - Big time blitz not picked up. Instead of eating the ball, Favre tosses it up randomly like you would do in Madden when you're facing Engage 8 (unless you're the Colts). Luckily it just harmlessly hits the ground. These two series were super unfulfilling. I have to watch Mona Lisa Smile for this?

7:35 - Oh god the chin strap thing! Maybe nothing has annoyed me more over the years than Favre's constant need to unhook his chin strap the second the play is over - every. single. time. And now I have to root for that guy. I didn't realize how hard this would be.

7:39 - Bad thing number two, as I once again listen to the announcer say things like, "Man, Favre is down there talking football with Berrian, I want to be down there" - the constant, constant, constant, overstated praise of Favre, not matter what the situation actually is. I don't know that I can handle this. Also the defense seems to be sacking Cassel a lot, which I think is good.

7:42 - T-Jax in. At least he can't be worse than Favre.

7:44 - Ok, he was worse. He just scrambled, ran five yards passed the line of scrimmage, and then threw a pass. Oh, sure, the receiver was open. That'll happen when you run where the linebackers used to be before you toss the ball. My god. It's time to cut bait.

7:48 - Another Royal ding-dong. Blackburn sucks and so do the Twins. I can't do this anymore.

8:40 - I'm back. Did you miss me? BB Gun decided to start throwing BBs, and somehow the Twins scratched out three runs against this year's Pedro Martinez, and we're all tied at 3-3 heading to the 7th.

8:41 - Cuddyer whiffs on three pitches, the last being a slider so far outside and so far in the dirt that a retarded monkey with a hairlip wouldn't have gone after it. That dude is driving me crazy.

8:44 - According to Coomer the ball Crede just hit, "Would have been out of here if he hadn't hit it in August." What. The. Eff.

8:47 - They're forcing Ragarm McTiredarm out there for the bottom of the seventh because everybody in the bullpen (save Nathan) is currently icing their arms thanks to this starting rotation. I'm expecting bad things.

8:56 - T-Jax is 9-11 for 117 yards and a touch? I almost wish I had kept watching.


8:59 - Well I was wrong. Still tied, top o' eight on it's way.

9:04 - Casilla bunts Gomez over to second after Gomez got on first somehow. I'm not sure, I wasn't paying attention. In any case, here is a spot I actually agree with a sac bunt. I generally agree with a sac bunt most times when it's used properly. When Gardy has Cabrera sac bunt in the first, however, is where we have problems.

9:10 - Twins take the lead on a Span single and the worst throw I've ever seen from the KC center fielder. Also the remote control is missing.

9:12 - Tavaris is now 12-15 for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns. I almost wish I had been watching to see how this was possible.

9:16 - Yeah, you go ahead and walk Mauer to face Kubel. Let's see how that works.

9:18 - Dammit.

9:21 - I FOUND THE REMOTE!!!!!

9:25 - Dwayne Bowe had a TD today. Expect to hear that about 16 times this season.

9:29 - The Guerrier/Mijares combo works how it was supposed to all year (including a pick offed runner at first), and we head to the ninth with the Twinks still up a point.

9:30 - Did Strasburg end up signing with the Nationals? Jesus I don't even know. Hold on.

9:31 - Yep, four years, 15.1 million. Everything I've heard says he could pitch now. I'm assuming the Nats will at least hold off until next season, but I'm looking forward to seeing this kid. Hopefully he doesn't follow in Mark Prior's foot steps.

9:34 - It's bizarre to me that Cuddyer just struck out. I mean, this is equivalent to striking out Joe Sewell.

9:35 - Crede flies out to center. I'm guessing if it wasn't August that ball is gone.

9:36 - Del-Money hits like he usually does, and we go bottom (like your mom). Nathan on. I'm struggling to stay interested.

9:42 - Nathan struggling to handle Teahen of all people. This doesn't bode well. I'm predicting extra innings.

9:43 - Teahen grounds out. This whole thing with Calipari is kind of garbage, to be honest. Suddenly Memphis is not only vacating it's most succesful season ever, but is also on probation for the next there years (I haven't seen what this entails).

Say what you want about Calipari's culpability (I've heard excuses that neither Memphis or Cal knew Rose cheated on the SAT), but this is the second time he's taken a team to the final four only to have that appearance stricken from the record books due to cheating - and yet once again he has escaped scott free.

Let's be honest here, the guy is dirty as all hell, he's just been pretty good about staying ahead of the law. Kentucky is the perfect place for him. Those rednecks will do everything they can to cover for him. Marriage made in heaven.

Oh yeah. Rose took his fraudulent SAT test in Detroit. He's from Chicago. A lot easier to have someone take a test for you in a state you aren't from. I have a very hard time believing Calipari didn't know this.

9:47 - Someone named Brian Pena (related to Tony? I don't know) just tied the game. Told you Nathan didn't have it. I suppose when your team gets you a save chance once every month you probably get a bit rusty.

9:50 - Coomer (is this even Coomer? I'm just guessing. Where's Bert? What's happening?) goes with the "the ball doesn't carry in August" angle again as some guy I've never heard of almost wins the game with a ball that only goes off the wall. You know, that might possibly even be a true thing, but when I hear some jackass just popping off on a broadcast, I need a little more than anecdotal evidence. And now we head to extras. Brian Pena is a dickweed.

9:56 - Oh good, Soria is in. The new Mariano Rivera. Assuming he goes two innings, no chance the Twins could possibly win this until the tenth. And they just showed Jesse Crain warming in the Twins' pen. This couldn't be more over.

9:59 - Casilla bloop, Cabrera bloop misplayed by Willy freaking Bloomquist and the Twins go back on top. Horseshoe up ass kind of stuff going on here.

10:00 - Another intential walk of Mauer. Don't let me down Kubes.

10:06 - Oh, I forgot to mention that he let me down. Nathan still pitching. One out, one on.

10:14 - Two runners on with nobody out, and Alberto Callaspo has fouled off about six straight two strike pitches. There's no way he should still be in there. Nathan doesn't have it tonight, and we saw he didn't have it last inning. I know what you're thinking, "Who else could they put in?" and I have no idea, but it's clear Nathan is not on his game tonight. And Callaspo fouled off two more pitches while I was typing that. This is ridiculous.

10:18 - Joe Nathan has thrown 48 pitches. Joe Nathan has thrown 48 pitches. JOE NATHAN HAS THROWN 48 PITCHES. Ok, 49 now. Great job Gardy.

10:20 - Fifty.

10:21 - I can't find a website where I can get pitch counts by game, but I'm willing to wager my house that this is the most pitches Nathan has ever thrown in a game as a Twin, and I would almost bet it's the most a closer has thrown since the early 80s, or at least towards the top of that list.

10:22 - 52

10:23 - Line out. Twins win. Nathan's arm probably shot. Not that it matters. This season is a dick.


Anonymous said...

You quit too soon. T-Jax es enfuego! Will the announcers credit that to the instruction he's gotten from the Old Man these past three days.

You and your Vikes are doooooooomed. And I don't like the chances for your marriage either.

Dharma Bum said...

Sometimes I wonder if you even follow baseball. First of all, did you even see the in the park home run? How could you not mention how a Major league baseball player picked the ball up and somehow threw it behind him. That was a my softball team kind of play. He thunderhawked that one. Second of all, I kind of wonder if you play all stupid for the blog like in a fox news way because you don't seem quite this dumb otherwise. I don't know, you probably are, I'm just usually to drunk to notice.

WWWWWW said...

No, I did not see the inside the park home run that was actually a triple. If you notice, there is a gap between 7:48 and 8:40 when we were watching the end of I Love You, Man.

Also, what?

Anonymous said...

ABC didn't produce the game. KSTP did.

snacks said...

7:35 - Oh god the chin strap thing! Maybe nothing has annoyed me more over the years than Favre's constant need to unhook his chin strap the second the play is over - every. single. time. And now I have to root for that guy. I didn't realize how hard this would be.

That's funny because I turned to the people I was watching the game with and said the exact same thing Saturday night.

Also, why in God's name do you think Dwayne Bowe is going to have a huge season? Yes, he is very talented. However he has 1) the next Scott Mitchell at QB, 2) throwing behind a crap offensive line, 3) without a decent couterpart (i.e., Tony Gonzalez) to take some extra coverage, and 4) a feature running back who may or may not be finished. He's already behind the 8 ball. I say 800 yards and 5 Td's.

WWWWWW said...

Because he's on my fantasy team.

snacks said...

Nice, thorough, objective analysis. I would expect nothing less.

WWWWWW said...

FYI - This is the game that lost the playoffs. Gardy killed Nathan. Maybe they should just trade him.