Of course, this movie has two strikes already. First, it was produced by Roger Corman, who is notorious for shoveling out horrible movies. He's produced 386 movies according to IMBD, and other than Piranha, not a single one is a good movie (unless I missed one). Most of these have names like "Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women", "800 Leagues Down the Amazon", and "Dino Croc" (although I might have to try to find this one), as well as the god awful Carnosaur series and like nine Bloodfist movies. I do like the cheesy movies, but this guy is pretty much always a failure.
The second major problem here is the poster. I usually find the movie poster and put it at the top of the post, but I was concerned that after you guys saw it you would stop reading. So here you go:
Yes, I'm serious. No, I don't know why there appears to be a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator on there, but I fear it means that Supergator is a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator. Whatever, let's get going.
- And we open with a couple kissing while lying next to a lagoon with a very pretty waterfall. It's a very idyllic setting, which is how these movies always start, I swear to god. A guy and girl going to get naughty in paradise, the girl gets nervous about a noise or a feeling (which she is doing right now), the guy says, "It's nothing, lets get back to fooling around." Then there is another noise, which they still manage to shrug off, and then everybody gets eaten. In this particular case, the girl says she wants to hold off on the humping until they get back to the hotel. The solution? They go swimming in the lagoon. The same lagoon, mind you, from which noises were eminating that were so discomforting the girl wanted to stop making out. Yet they go swimming. I'm sure you can guess what happened next, and it's a shame too, because this girl is one of the most perfect looking females I've ever seen. I predict she'll be doing real movies someday. No visible signs of T-Rexism on the Supergator as of yet. Roll opening credits.
- Holy crap! Kelly McGillis is in this, she of Top Gun fame. She really hasn't aged well. I mean, she's not in Kathleen Turner's level of not aging well, but she's in the upper tier for sure.
- I looked up that hot chick. Her name is Meg Cionni, and although she hasn't done much with her career yet, I'm still predicting big things. Very pretty. In Colbie Smulders league, even.
- We know get to see these geologists and the volcano, both referenced in the summary. So far the movie is not a liar. Of course, we also get this exchange between head geologist and his intern or assistant or whatever:
Head Geologist who looks like the leader of the Cobra Kai: "Well, you're not in Kansas anymore, bonehead."
Assistant who looks like Nick Papageorgio: "That's Mr. Bonehead to you."
Shoot me. Also it turns out those two are father and son.
- Wait, they aren't father and son, Papageorgio just called Cobra Kai guy "Dad" because he was trying to tell him not to have another drink. The plot twists in this movie are too confusing.
- According to old man geologist #2, thus far the volcano is negative for gas emissions. I wish I could say the same.
- Two girls in bikinis are bored sitting by the pool, so they have decided to go hiking to see some waterfall. The same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- Flashback: Cobra Kai lost a grad student assistant last time he expolored a volcano. The grad student fell down a cliff after the rope they were using to cross broke, Cliffhanger style. And some black chick was there too. And now she's on the island for some reason. I think they explained it but I forgot.
- Now two different chicks in very small bikinis with very large breasts are bouncing around by the waterfall while some poneytailed douche with a very bad fake french accent takes their picture. I think they're supposed to be models, I'm not sure, all I know is they have huge boobs. Is this the same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- French guy just got eaten in a spray of horrible special effects. Now the two models are
- Bobby Keppel is really not a very good pitcher.
- And here's Kelly McGillis, sporting Kurt Warner's wife's hairstyle. She looks exactly like how you would picture a typical lesbian gym teacher. Hard to believe this is same person who played Charlie in Top Gun. She was smoking hot then. The years have......not been kind.
- Kelly McGillis and her partner, Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa (which is awesome, by the way) are not affiliated with the other group, comprised of Cobra Kai, Nick Papageorgio, Hot chick, and Black Chick.
- Now we're introduced to a group of wannabe frat boy surfers (+ their fat friend) tromping about the wilderness. They sure are giving us a ton of characters here. This can only mean lots of killing. This bodes well.
- Surfer guys are out there to gather some kind of worms which can be ground into a liquid and then when drank will erase the effects of alcohol. I don't know, I didn't write it.
- Ok, so Kelly McGillis is the one who created the Supergaytor. She created it using DNA extracted from the jaw bone of a Phobozucus (a fake made up extinct species), and implanted into an alligator embryo. Once again, I don't know, I didn't write this.
- Bill Bob gives McGillis the whole Ian Malcolm speech from Jurassic Park about messing with nature and the species time had run it's course on earth and playing god and blah blah blah. I just want to see Supergator take on Krocodylus.
- I just searched for this movie on IMDB, and guess what? There's another one coming out, called Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and it's in post production which means it will probably hit TV in the next six months. I'm super stoked.
- By the by, I Love you Man is an oustanding movie, which I'm guessing you already knew from the trailer. But just in case you weren't sure, I thought I'd let you know that it really is very, very good. It's like the opposite of this crap. I mean, way less Alligators and stuff, but still a way better movie.
- That movie also totally puts me in the mood for Rush. I think I downloaded like ten Rush songs off I-tunes right after we watched it. I also downloaded a bunch of Public Enemy, so who knows.
- That chick in the pink bikini is still bouncing around in her thong. And she just ran into those two other bikini non-model chicks. Maybe they'll all make out.
- Ugh. Pink bikini model is totally cock blocking everybody by bitching about something about some giant alligator. I'm not even paying attention anymore, this chick has an awesome rack. I don't even remember what this movie is about.
- oh right. A giant alligator that just ate those two stuck up bitches who wouldn't make out with that hot chick and were all like, wearing clothes and stuff. Serves you right, your majesty.
- Vick to the Eagles, huh? I'm struggling to come up an kind of opinion here. It seems I care even less than I thought I did.
- Black chick from the Cobra Kai group just found a severed arm of one of them cockblocking ladies, and just then Top Gun lady and Billy Bob Thornton show up to try to scare them away. Billy Bob tries to use threats and a gun. If they really wanted to get rid of them, they really just should have had Top Gun lady make the "Large Marge" face.
- Our neighbors had to use our driveway for a couple of days (it's a long story) and as thanks they gave us a $25 gift card to Olive Garden. A $25 gift card is awesome, but does it really count as a gift if it's to the Nickelback of restaurants?
- Oh, there's a good view of Supergator finally. He's eating the surfer guys who were going to get all rich from their anti-alcohol thing. He's definitely got some T-Rex characteristics going on. At this point though, that might be the only thing that can save this movie. He reminds me a lot of Tokka from TMNT:
But more alligatory and T-Rexy and less snapping turtley and humany. So really, I guess, they aren't very similar. But at least I proved I'm a total dork.
- Ah crap. Now the gator ate the hot bouncy chick (and the fat nerd guy). So no more boobs. There's still some hot chick on the Cobra kai team, but she hasn't shown any inclination to take her top off in any way. And can I just say here that the death scenes in this flick are quite lackluster? When the thing ate the chick and that fat guy, it showed the gator, then showed those two asshats screaming, and then the gator going in, and then scene ends. How is that cool? It's like Jap porn where they fuzz out all the good parts. There's no payoff.
- I don't know what happened, but the Cobra Kai team and the lesbian top gun girl team are now together. Lezzy is trying to find the Supergator, and the Cobra Kais are doing volcano research, as well as looking for opportunities to sweep the leg.
- I also just realized that this movie is going to end with the supergator falling into the volcano. I'd bet money.
- Papageorgio just got eated by the gator. The scene was basically the kid screaming, shaky camera work consisting of extreme close ups, and liberal amounts of ketchup. To say this movie has been a disappointment is like saying Delmon Young hasn't lived up to his potential.
- So this is pretty fucked up right here. Jeremy Tyler, a five star forward in the class of 2010 recruited by Louisville and UCLA has decided to skip his senior year of high school to go play hoops in Israel for $140,000 next season. It will be very interesting to see how this works out. Clearly he's mortgaging his future and banking on making a living in basketball, forsaking an education. On the other hand, $140,000 is about what I make every two months, so hey, good for this freaking idiot. Godspeed kid, godspeed.
- I love movies where volcanic activity is a major plot point but then there isn't any volcanic activity the entire movie until the part where they get to the top of the volcano and then there is volcanic activy like crazy. They should make a movie about this. They could call it, "Volcano."
- Dude that gator just ate the crap out of that black chick. I bet she tasted like fried chicken and watermelon. On the bright side, that one hot stuck up chick I mentioned earlier went in the water to try to save her and her shirt got unbuttoned somehow and she's all wet t-shirtish now. So that's happening.
- Wait, that black chick is still alive. Now I have to figure out who just got eaten, and I don't want to rewind because, much like the KKK, I just want my long national nightmare to be over. I haven't seen kelly mcGillis in a while, thank god, so I think maybe she got eaten, thank god.
- Billy Bob drops a "I bet you didn't expect we'd be the endangered species" line. This movie is pretty much mad libs at this point.
- Gator just ate some random fisherman who we just met. As much as I love a movie that keeps introducing characters just so they can die, you kind of undermine your whole goal when your death scene consists of alternating scenes of the fisherman running and a camera panning as if it was running, culminating in one frame of gore-free computer animated attacking. Weak. So weak. Glen Perkins fastball-weak.
- I think Dawson Leary just got eaten. I have no idea where this character came from. This movie is like Nick Blackburn at the 140 inning mark.
- Hot chick died in what I think was supposed to be a graphic scene but really just showed her with ketchup on her face. I think we have cobra kai guy, black chick, and billy bob thornton left alive. Plus whatever random characters they decide to toss in here.
- You know, Cobra Kai guy looks a lot more like Tom Berenger in Major League. I really dropped the ball on that one. Is it too late to start calling him Jake Taylor?
- Here's the scene ripped from jaws where black chick tells resort owner to cancel the Luau because some giant freak gator mutant is coming down the river and he says "but it's the biggest party of the year and we make all our money and shit." Only 17 minutes left. I think I'll watch the rest on x2 speed.
- Some awesome hot blonde with porcelain skin and a great rack who might have been perfect just got eaten in one of the worst death scenes ever. God the effects in this look like computer animation from 1991. I think they just gave the job to the closest intern they could find who would work for free. This is more embarrassing than what most people think Saved by the Bell is even though it is not it is awesome and I still watch it whenever I can and own every episode on DVD.
- Luau still going foward (no word on if the pupuku are involved), but Supergaytor crashes and eats some fat hawaiians. Apparently this volcanic eruption has pushed the gator away from it's super happy home and down into the mainland or whatever you call it. And it's pissed and keeps eating people, with seemingly a preference for hot blondes - there goes another one. RIP.
- They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo!
- Well they just shot gator with like 8,000 rounds and it didn't even matter because that dude just bit Billy Bob's head off. I'm no hunter, and maybe Snake can chime in here, but that seems like a lot of bullets to not kill something. Oh but it's ok because instead Jake Taylor shot a "volcanic vent" which created a plume of lava and fire and it made the gator blow up. Shit, I don't know. I didn't write this.
- FYI - that gator never looked at all like that movie poster. Total false advertising.
- Well that was pretty god damned terrible. As far as terrible movies go, that one is right up there with the worst ever. I'd even say it might have been worse than Jaws 4, except I know that's not possible. Ugh. I stil have something called "Croc" on my Tivo, so hopefully that goes a bit better.