Bloody Awful Blood Surf (Live Movie Blog)

So here's the scoop. Mrs. W went to Dr. Acula's wife's birthday party (we couldn't find a baby sitter so I'm at home watching the kid) and had a shot or two and is now staying over at their house. So I'm here all alone, and unsure what to do with myself. I know you are all used to me live blogging while I watch Shark movies, and I think we can all enjoy that, but from time to time, a guy has to branch out a bit. Take in some new culture, new types of entertainment, and experience new things. In that light, I thought I would take a step away from the usual shark movie, and bring you something completely different.

I present, "Blood Surf", a movie about a giant crocodile. Your summary via DirectTV "A monstrous saltwater crocodile terrorizes a group of documentary filmmakers in Australia." Sounds good. And possibly somewhat realistic. No mutants. No prehistoric creatures come back to life. No revenge (I hope). Call me cautiously optimistic. I know, I know, two live movie blogs in one weekend? I must be in heaven.

- This was directed by someone named James D.R. Hickox. Tell me that doesn't sound like a director of more, um, adult, entertainment.

- We start out with a close up of an eyeball, and then cut to an Asian in some water, and back to the eye, and back to a different asian, and back to the eye, and so on, getting faster and faster and faster until the tension is so thick I feel like I could puke. It starts moving too fast to really tell what's going on, but I saw some teeth and some bloody water (or Blood Surf, if you will) at one point. I have a feeling this one is going for "artsy-fartsy." That always works when your antagonist is a giant crocodile.

- Now there's a bunch of stoner/surfer types in a float plane above some kind of tropical paradise. They are using words like gnarly and shredding. I really hope they crash and get eaten, and that this isn't our intro to our main characters. Cautious optimism waning.

- One of the stoners, who I am starting to suspiciously suspect are our main characters, references the movie Jaws. I take it as a good sign that the writer of this crap has at least heard of that movie.

- Oh man, I just got the main plot point of the movie, and I can't decided if it's awesome or stupid. These stoners are going to chum the water to attract sharks, and then go surfing in shark infested waters. And they are going to call it, "Blood Surfing." Wow. Since this is a crocodile movie, I'm guessing a croc shows up and ruins the fun. Which makes no real sense, because what could one crocodile do that a whole mess of sharks couldn't? God damn it why do I always try to rationalize these stupid movies? Why do I even expect anything to make sense? Why do I even watch them? I'm an idiot, aren't I?

- I was rewatching Mean Girls the other day (still one of the best movies of the 2000s) and holy cow the amount of talent in that movie was sick. Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried, and Lacey Chabert? Holy wow. Plus Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. And one of the best written movies in a long time! Just a great flick. Add in the janitor from Scrubs and that movie had it all. This movie doesn't.

- Jesus we're only 3 minutes into this movie. The opening credits are still rolling. This is going to be the longest movie blog ever. Rock on.

- NBA draft early entrants have to make their decisions by Monday, and there are still a few interesting fellas who I feel I should comment on.
AUSTIN DAYE, GONZAGA: Probably a mid-first, but doesn't have a guarantee of first round. I really hope he stays another year in college, because he is absolutely one of my favorite players. Reminds me a ton of Keith Van Horn, but blacker.
PATRICK MILLS, ST MARYS: This guy is a big one because I read the Wolves have a lot of interest in him, and I'd love to see him on the team. I don't really see how he can improve his stock much, so this year would be the time to go.
GREIVIS VASQUEZ, MARYLAND: Snacks loves this commie, and he is a very solid all-around player. It appears he isn't likely to go first round, so he should probably stay in school, but he has a lot of skills and honestly I think could be a Manu Ginobli type. I hope he stays in the draft and the Wolves get him late.
JODIE MEEKS, KENTUCKY: Big time scorer, and yet not projected to go until round two. I don't really know what else he could do to improve his stock unless he goes to John Stockton camp and learns how to really handle the ball. Might as well stick around and help his legacy at Kentucky so he can become an assistant coach some day. He's not an NBA player.
LUKE HARANGODY, NOTRE DAME: Not a first round pick, but apparently he might be ok with that. I don't see him hitting the first round at all. He's Michael Madsen, who I once played in a softball tournament against - very spastic there too.
There are plenty of others, but I'm tired. Plus I'm super excited to see what happens with this movie.

- They just showed some jackass surfing with an angle from below, and guess what? Yep he looked just like a seal. Seriously, why even add the chum in the water when surfing is already the most dangerous thing in the world? You're basically playing russian roulette already, but now they want to add chum? It's like playing russian roulette with a bazooka. This movie is already irritating. I need another drink.

- The main chick in this movie looks like Molly Sims, so that's what we are going to call here.

- The two main surfer dudes are super homo-erotic. Think Iceman/Maverick levels of sexual tension going on here. Even though one of them just hit on Molly Sims. That doesn't prove anything. Maverick hit on Kelly McGillis, and it turned out she was a man.

- They just hired this movie's version of Quint to take the boat out and chum the waters and all that about the Blood Surf or what not. Except he reufsed to do it, saying he would be "an accessory to murder." His girlfriend is this movies version of "super hot chick in a 95% see-thru tank top and no bra" - who is now shakin' that thang in the middle of the bar for no discernible reason. It's kind of like in Roadhouse how when that one hot blonde girl does a striptease in the middle of Dalton's bar for no good reason. Man did I rewind that part a lot. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, for some reason her dancing in the middle of the bar convinced her husband, Quint, to agree to take the surfer guys out to the sharks. Makes total sense.

- I just looked this movie up on IMDB, and it's original name was "Krocodylus." That is the most awesomest name ever. Why would they change it.

- By the way, if you google "Shane Schilling drunk" now, we are the first AND second link. Awesome.

- So we have Quint, Quint's girlfriend, hot foreign chick, some asian chick, a more annoying Matthew Lillard-type with spiked hair, Molly Sims, an old asian dude, a pretty boy, and the mastermind who looks a lot like DJ Tanner's boyfriend all on the boat going to the "lagoon" where all the sharks are (and apparently Krocodylus). Got it?

- Asian chick and asian dude just did a prayer circle to protect the surfers. I bet it doesn't work.

- Well, their chum has fish parts in it. They're already a big step ahead of Megalodon.

- The sharks showed (still no Krocodylus, unfortunately) and it was pretty underwhelming. Jazzy music, hyper fast effects including sharks moving way too fast accompanied by "whooshing" sound effects, and shots of great whites, blue sharks, and bull sharks (and what I think was a tuna). Oh they tried to make it dramatic by having the camerawoman (wearing chain mail so pretty much 100% safe) get surrounding in about ten feet of water, but it didn't work. Twenty-nine minutes in and nobody has bothered to die yet. Lame. Man I really wish I could have a bunch of drinks, but seeing as I'm the only adult here, I'm going to have to limit myself.

- Ok, message received. A shark just got kilt, but all we saw was a fountain of blood and then some bubbling blood in the water. Krocodylus? Or Shark-exploding AIDS?

- Did I ever tell you that Wonderbaby^TM can recognize a shark, and say the word? Whether it's on TV, a real picture, a stuffed animal, or a drawing in one of her books, she see's it and she says, "Shark." Seriously, she knows like, 15 words and one of them is shark. That's so awesome.

- So right now more-annoying version of Matthew Lillard is banging Foreign chick, and DJ Tanner's boyfriend and Molly Sims are going at it too while Pretty Boy Surfer is out on the water by himself. Sounds like a good time for Krocodylus to appear.

- Random asian chick just jumped in the water too, which makes no sense because Asian chick and old asian dude are the ones that are all hyper about their being too many sharks in this area of the lagoon. yet she's all like, I'm going in the water and he's all like ok even though he is the one who was having such a spaz earlier. Once again, really top notch writing here.

- Something bumped the boat, which knocked old asian dude into the water and then there was a blood spurt and I guess he's dead or something. Because crocodiles ram boats all the time. I guess it's contagious and they caught it from all the sharks that are swimming around. I'm still waiting for my first Crocodile roar. That would really make tonight complete.

- And there he is, roar included. He just ate the foreign chick. It's nighttime now though, and nobody has even acknowledged the missing asian dude. It's like the WW2 interment camps all over again.

- Damn, they keep answered all my questions. They just found the arm of the asian dude, and the boat is missing. Well, not so much missing as sunk. The crocodile sank the entire boat. As we all know, crocs hate boats, so it makes sense.

- I have no idea what is going on. The dock is exploding. Not with fire, but exploding nonetheless. Sequentially too. Like, there's a little explosion, moving closer to shore each time, every two seconds or so. I don't get it. I wish this movie was over already. This is by far the worst one yet.

- Oh dear god. Apparently this island is populated by Pirates. Pirates. PIRATES. Most movies would be better with Pirates. That crappy cheerleader movie from last night would have been 10x better if Pirates showed up to raze the cheerleader camp. Think about how much better Forrest Gump would have been if suddenly pirates showed up and destroyed the Bubba Gump boat. What if pirates showed up to F with Frodo and Rudy? Awesome, right? But when you already have sharks and crocodiles, you don't need anything else. What's next, bring in the ninjas?

- Anthony Swarzak grew up a bit today. Even though he had a couple of good starts to start his career, a big knock on him was that he was getting lucky. He was letting a lot of runners on base who were luckily not coming around to score, and he had a 1-1 BB/K ratio, a number that essentially guarantees a pitcher's doom. This bore itself out in his next two starts where he got killed, and honestly things were not looking good for our young friend. Today against the Cubs, helped by Jason "the awesome" Kubel's massive bomb of a home run, Swarzak picked up the win. He stuck around for seven innings, giving up just four hits and one walk while striking out six. Those are some very solid numbers. Based on this last outing, and the movement I see on his fastball, I think he's going to end up being pretty solid.

- Ok, so I'm barely paying attention here, but the Pirates decided they were going to rape Molly Sims since she's the only girl left. Right as he's about to get into it, Krocodylus leaped out of the water and grabbed the potential rapist by the head and took him down for a nice meal. And they were on the second floor of the boat. And the boat had a roof. So it jumped about twenty feet in the air with perfect aim to get it's snout threw the window to grab rapist guy. And our heroes pushed every pirate off the boat in the confusion and started to drive away but then a Pirate shot at the boat and hit the gas tank and now the boat is on fire. Confusing to you? Trust me it's every bit as confusing to me watching it. I don't know if I can get through the rest of this movie.

- That Quint guy just showed up to take the good guys back to the safety of the island. Turns out he wasn't actually with them the whole time. My watching comprehension skills are sorely lacking.

- Ooh, they aren't safe yet. Instead of trying to get everyone to safety, he's trying to attract the salt-water croc because Quint hates them. Turns out he had a cruise with some people, and they all got killed by a croc so, in a huge twist, he's out for revenge instead of the animal (I guess only shark's are in the revenge business). We learn all this info from Quint's girlfriend who is now wearing a slightly different, 80% see thru tank top with no bra.

- IT'S THE SAME CROC!!!!!1111111!!

- Now he's fishing for the Croc with some kind of crazy bobber that looks like the bouncy kickball Wonderbaby^TM likes to kick around the house. Yep, it appears I'm raising a soccer player. Kill me now. Any tips, Snake? Other than hunting squirrels, which I know you love to do.

- Serious question: If you could be a vampire, would you? You'd have to survive on blood, but you could get around the whole killing people bit by eating rats or deer or mexicans. And you'd live forever, and think of all the crappy movies you could watch. I pick yes.

- Fun fact: I was all prepared to comment on how the Croc roars constantly in this movie, but I actually wasn't sure if they do in real life or not (my animal's that don't roar expertise only extends to sharks) and according to this site which ends in .org so it has to be legit, they do. So, you know, there's that then.

- Molly Sims was in the water to film them catching Krocodylus, because they are still trying to make their documentary, and he got off the line and came after her and she escaped by climbing up a ladder and he couldn't get her. Keep in mind this is the same creature that leapt twenty feet through a window to get a rapist. Clearly, crocodiles hate rape and it motivates them to incredible feats of athleticism.

- No worries, he got to eat Matthew Lillard instead, despite him trying to stab his head with a knife and having it make the same sound as banging two cooking pans together. Fun fact: Crocodiles have heads like stainless steel pots.

- This fake Molly Sims has a nice rack (middle):


- Ok, this movie can just die. DJ Tanner's boyfriend saw a surfboard floating on the water and decided he was going to take the surfboard back to safety, even though it's a half day away by boat - you know, with a motor (their boat is grounded or something, I don't know) because apparently that's something someone would actually do in real life. Of course, he "surfs" right into Krocodylus's mouth. As Michelle would say, "How rude." Pretty Boy's reaction, "Well that sucks." I'm going to assume he's talking about this whole movie.

- Krocodylus just ate Quint in pretty much the identical scene from Jaws. Flooded boat, animal's head poking in through into the boat, tries to fight but basically falls into his jaws. If Pretty Boy ends up killing it by shooting an air tank it it's jaws I'm going to be pissed. Actually that would be kind of awesome.

- The Pirates are back. Jesus Christ.

- I found that scene, but it's in like, french or something - which explains a lot.


- So they blew up the great Krocodylus. Or, more accurately, they blew up the rocks around him which fell on his head. Of course, it's still sitting there, not moving or anything but they are sure it's dead because "If that didn't do it, nothing will." Twenty bucks says one of the three people still left dies, and fifty bucks says it's Quint's girlfriend because the other two are romantically involved (Molly Sims jumped on Pretty Boy as soon as DJ's boyfriend died).

- Yep, Quint's girlfriend decides to kick the "dead" croc in the face while shouting "I hate you" over and over again (which sounds like kicking a cooking pot, for some reason) and the croc wakes up and eats her face. Also Pretty Boy keeps calling the chick Sis which confuses me like you wouldn't believe because they were making out pretty hardcore a few minutes ago. What is this, Star Wars?

- It jumped at them and landed on a pointy tree. It is now impaled, as if Vlad Tepes had risen from the grave and orchestrated this himself. Please let this be over.

- They're making out again. WTF?

- Ah ha! Her character name is Cecily. Thus, it's Ces or Cis or something, not Sis. Still weird.

- Thank god it's over. I'm not going to lie, that was seriously the worst movie ever, outside of Jaws 4. I'm now going to cry myself to sleep.